The Bartender is off this weekend (they’ll return, never fear!), but in the meantime, would you like to look at vintage lesbian erotic art based on Christina Rossetti’s poem “The Goblin Market”?
Of course you would. Here they are. They are, I should mention, not safe for work. Look at them on your phone, hiding in the bathroom. Have a wonderful weekend.
Now talk amongst yourselves before you all scuttle off into the darkness.
Tags: friday, oh god take me home, open thread
Toasties, tell me of your solstice/yule plans! I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to eat after I don’t set the house on fire with candles.
ETA: HOPEFULLY don’t set the house on fire with candles.
I have five days off (YAY STATE EMPLOYEE WINDFALL THIS YEAR) and I plan to be anything but sober for as many of my waking hours as possible.
Me and mine are not religious, nor do we travel to see family during the winter months. IT’S BLISS.
Same here re: not religious and no travel. It’s the best thing. It means xmas is basically just some free vacation days for no reason.
Us too! I work at the yard in the morning, work up an appetite mucking out stables. My sister cooks (really really well), we all head over there (10 minutes drive), eat ourselves into a coma, do presents, and home in time for Dr Who.
My family holiday meal tradition is quiche. Dinner quiche. It is as decadent or as healthy as you want it to be, surprisingly easy to make, and customizeable to most tastes and diets, so long as you like eggs and cheese. Plus, great leftovers!
Heading home for Christmas with my wonderful parents and 2 dogs. Then going to see all the grandparents and extended family, where the choice topic will be “Grandpa, you really do need to see a neurologist and you really shouldn’t be driving.” It will likely be a very big fight. But then back in town for NYE KARAOKE.
So much family and travel. We’re* doing four different Christmases with four different groups of people in three different states. Deep breath.
*Me, my husband, and my brother
Spending the Holidays with the future in-laws. We did ALL of the Christmases last year, and it was an exhausting marathon of merriness, so we’re sticking with one side or the other from now on. However, that still means 3 separate celebrations (mom’s extended family, mom and sister, and dad’s place), so I expect I’ll spend most of my free time the following week in a deep, deep sleep.
Also, there are some traditions among her extended family I’m not quite sure I’m prepared for. It’s as far from my family’s celebration of Christmas (which is pretty much entirely secular) as can be, and I am super worried my total unfamiliarity will come across weird. Anyway, should be a blast!
Just don’t say “Jebus” and you’ll be fine.
Driving to Mom’s house this Sunday, staying until Grandma’s birthday on the 29th. Nobody has kids or cares much about presents, so celebrations are mostly centered on food and family. Grandma’s birthday will as usual be the Big Event, she will be 104 (not a typo!) and loves being the center of attention.
Go grandma~!
SOLSTICE FUCK YES. Short days are kicking my ass this year.
If we get a break in the rain I will go for a walk with the dogs and be excited about daylight. Then we will open our solstice stockings. There’s not much in them yet though.
THE SUN WAS OUT TODAY WHEN I WALKED TO THE BUS STOP and I immediately felt 100000% better than I did yesterday.
I wish my weather app didn’t tell me the exact times of sunrise and sunset. It’s somehow so much sadder KNOWING that yes, the sun set at 4:30 today.
Solstice bonfire at home, followed by day-after-solstice wedding anniversary, followed by yule at home (this year we’re staying cozy, having a scando-inspired feast, and watching beautiful movies set in Russia).
What do y’all do to celebrate actual solstice? I’d like to do a just myself yay for longer days celebration/ritual/something but I don’t know where to start.
I stay up all night to watch the sun come up, which frequently sounds like more fun than it is, but I treat it as a meditation practice (since I also treat Solstice as the beginning of the new year, this works out well). Open flame is also always appropriate.
I’m having my first solstice get together this year. I bought a fire-box, going to make hot toddies, squash and chestnut soup, sprout and radish salad, sing old ballads, hopefully.
I will do some solitary-type introspective work starting at sundown and ending at the actual solstice, which for me will be about an hour and a half later. Writing and meditation and going outside, mostly, plus lighting some candles and possibly some Tarot readings. Then wine and food! I won’t be staying up all night but I do plan to be up for sunrise the next day.
One year there was a gingerbread stonehenge (complete with grapenuts ground material). Lighting things on fire is always appropriate.
I’m celebrating 40 on Sunday, and I’m always happy that the solstice falls on my birthday. It means the days get longer again!
Happy birthday!
Since the Bearded One and I are, totally coincidentally, from the same general area (and also because “love and important relationship and I want my family to meet him” shit – even if we weren’t from the same area we would’ve travelled and done Xmas together, we just would’ve picked one family to visit) we’re traveling back home together and are…Officially Doing The Holiday As A Couple. Planning has taken a spreadsheet, extensive map-consultation, and more than one passive-aggressive phone call from my mother. We have done the holidays the same way for a very long time and I am changing shit up this year and Ma Jinx does NOT like it (though luckily everyone else is either pretty cool with it or just polite enough to keep their misgivings to themselves). Xmas Eve is with Dude’s mom, and it will be polite and sober and church-going (and everyone is shocked she’s letting me sleep over). Xmas morning, quick visit to Dude’s dad, then on to Bro Jinx’s house for 24 hours of eating and bourbon-drinking and playing with my niece and nephew and trying to ignore my mom’s critiques of my haircolor. Then friend shit, then more family shit, then blessedly, blissfully back home to CA for NYE which I will hopefully spend indoors away from as many people as possible.
ha, this sounds so familiar. The problem with children not getting hitched right out of the nest is that parents get far too used to certain holiday traditions, and get very bad at sharing with others. My parents are slowly adjusting, but my bearded one’s parents Do Not Accept Holidays Away from Children. Since he has to work, they have decided to fly to us and rent an air bnb down the street thereby impeding my plans to hide indoors away from as many people as possible.
Maybe when y’all are officially newleyweds you can use “oh, it’s our first Christmas together, we just want to spend it alone, tee hee” as an excuse to flee family…?
And Ma Jinx aside, I think my family will adjust fine. I’ve lived far away for so long that they’re used to short trips, infrequent visits, etc, and are just stoked that I still make it back for the holidays every year…Now, *I* am feeling guilty about changing things because I’m the baby and Irish Catholic guilt complex and all that. Dude’s family is, I think, a little more like your dude’s family and Mom Beardo is bummed that her baby boy is only coming home for a week (that was totally my doing – a week is my max) and that she has to share him with some new chick and her family, but eventually she too will get used to disappointment.
My husband and I throw a winter solstice party every year that includes obnoxious amounts of food (especially pork) and beer as well as a really big bonfire. Like, 15 feet tall. We live in the boonies, so that kind of thing is allowed.
To be fair, Goblin Market is basically lesbian erotica as it is.
MenSellNotSuchInAnyLand.com is prolly porn though.
I’ve finished watching the Gilmore Girls. I skipped most of the seventh season and only watched the last three episodes of it. I do not regret my choice. I’m proud of Rory for saying no to Logan’s proposal and going off to follow Barack Obama instead. Overall I mostly didn’t dislike Logan, but you have to wonder how well he knew Rory if he thought proposing to her in front of a party full of people was a good idea.
Since I skipped most of the seventh season, I missed most of the Lane stuff. I haven’t avoided spoilers so I knew for a while that she would get pregnant immediately with twins, but I did not know that the show would end with Zach getting the opportunity to go tour with a band while she stays home. So now in my head canon, Zach ends up touring for much longer than the original two months. The longer he’s gone, the more Lane realizes that she’s happier without him. They separate and eventually divorce, and once her sons are a few years old she gets to live the life Mallory thought up for her in the “characters who should have had abortions” piece, writing and traveling. She can leave her sons with her mom or Loralei for short trips and bring them with her for the long trips (with a full-time nanny, paid for by the magazine, of course). And she always makes sure to visit Dave Rygalski for some sexy fun when she’s in California.
YES THANK YOU YOU HAVE FIXED EVERYTHING. Seriously what even HAPPENS to Dave? He just like, goes to college with no fanfare and she mentions having a phone call with him a few times and then suddenly she’s in love with this total douchebag instead.
I think that’s when he took the job on the OC
This is perfect and I accept it as new canon.
FRIDAY CAT THREAD
Whoever you are, wherever you may be, we welcome your cats.
We went out to take some pictures last weekend, and as always, the clingy little shitbags followed us to the car.
Witness Bonny’s blank anxiety
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And Anne’s stumpy grumpiness
They’ve been especially naggy about climbing under blankets and quilts with us this week, and I had to step into a disagreement with a fluffy tabby that had come right up to the cat flap.
No cat pics for me this week, but little miss spent the morning splayed on her back in a patch of sunshine. We should all follow her example.
I do not have an accompanying photo, but I just want to complain in this cat thread that my poor foster kitty, who is temporarily living in a cage at Petco because I’m traveling a lot, got adopted and then returned this week. A volunteer convinced the adopter that she was super affectionate friendly cat, which is total nonsense because she’s a skittish former stray who only began snuggling with me after living with me for 6 months, and even then only first thing in the morning.
So I got to have long phone calls with the volunteer and the adopter and the poor kitty got returned. I want her to find a home that is right for her and also not mine. 🙁
You are a good person for fostering. Thank you.
Usually I foster kittens, which get adopted more quickly and therefore are easier, but this cat is a whole different story. I feel so bad because she has kind of bonded with me and everyone thinks I should keep her, but my cat is so much happier when the foster cat isn’t there.
Anyone want a cute, low-maintenance, sweet but shy little calico weirdo cat? I will bring her to you…
Oh, she’s so pretty! But NO MORE PETS FOR ME.
Awwww! Lookit Bonny’s worried little face! She is adorable.
Moxie managed to get into the bag of cat toys/catnip I thought I had hidden. He got way too much catnip and spent the next half hour racing around the house with his brat face on, jumping on counters, knocking shit off the tables and shelves, and nipping my feet. Then he “hid” inside a clear bag and purred to himself until he crashed and fell asleep.
Bonus sleepy (non-catnipped) kitten:
Poor hiding skillz there Moxie.
He is the worst. I have seen him stick his head inside a small paper bag and consider himself “hiding”, which I know he is doing because he won’t respond to us, even if we poke him, except for the occasional excited wiggle.
Oh yes, I know that one. Incompetent hiding!
No photos of the Christmas tree that I promised weeks ago, but it is still standing and mostly intact. The furry decorators have ripped the strings out of several of the wooden ornaments on the tree, in their enthusiasm for re-decorating, ha! Though most of those ornaments are, uh, 30ish years old, so no surprise that the strings finally gave way. And, as always, I’ve had to put the bead garland back on the tree almost daily. But all the fragile ornaments are intact, on their high perches with wires twisted around the branch. I’ll try to eventually get a photo, but I was felled by a bad bout with my old foe, bronchitis, and am behind on many things, so uploading photos is low on the list.
And someone has objected to the flowers on the new Christmas cactus (the poor old one is hanging in there, but it didn’t even try to bloom this year, too stressed from last year’s unceremonious re-potting. And re-potting. And re-potting. The extra cat, when first allowed into all the house around this time last year, decided that the cactus would be happier *out* of a pot and took some convincing to leave it alone.) and has removed the ones they can reach. Sigh. But the new cactus is sturdy and healthy and has not been dumped, so it should be ok.
They all remain fascinated by the lights, but they just sit and stare at them, they don’t even bat at them.
How are the other trees with cats faring?
Weirdly, our super playful Gus has pretty much ignored the Christmas tree. But since we moved the space heater in order to make room for the tree, he has since discovered the fish tank, which he stares into for hours on end. Occasionally he taps on the glass or tries to bite or lick the fish. Usually it’s the catfish that gets him all riled up.
He also falls off of the heater a lot.
Picture link
Both little kitty assholes have been up in the tree, but thankfully we have a nice sturdy base, so they haven’t managed to knock it over. Here is Asa up in the tree before we got lights and ornaments on it.
I got a real tree this year instead of putting the fake one up specifically because they loved the last real one I had and I thought it’d be fun. Little shits have not even knocked one bauble off.
Soooo my college roommate, who is near and dear to my heart even though she keeps trying to convince me to move to New York City, has recently gotten into cross-stitching weird shit. THIS masterpiece arrived on my doorstep yesterday:
Yes, that is a pillow with a cross-stitched portrait of my stupid-ass cat. If you look closely, you can see that it’s surrounded by a ring of increasingly creative swear words.
Now that I look at it, I’m not actually sure that’s cross-stitching. Embroidery, maybe? WHATEVER STILL BEAUTIFUL ART
Fantastic!
I don’t have any cats or pics of cats, but the other night when I was driving home, just past the turn to my house there were three cats chilling on the road – one all the way on the left hand side, one in the middle of the road, and one all the way on the right hand side. They were just lying there, staring in the same direction, like little guardians of the cul de sac. I was so surprised that I laughed out loud, then immediately told my wife what I saw as soon as I got home.
Does Anne have a stubby tail, or is that just a trick of perspective because she’s flicking it toward the camera? (My cat has a bobtail, and is the first bobtailed cat I ever met, and now I’m always on the lookout for other ones.)
Anne is not a bobtail, but when she was born her tail was all shortened and squished up and it never straightened out.
If you run a hand down it you can feel that near where the tail meets her spine, a good portion of it is fused together in kind of a zig zag. It doesn’t hurt her, and the vet says there’s no reason to remove the tail, so we just let her be as she is. Wonky little baby.
I have boxed cats this week.
My butthole cat engaged in his usual semi-consensual cuddling with my poor, put-upon dog:
No pictures, but Chloe hates the purring website somebody linked to on Wednesday. Her eyes got all big, she started looking around the computer to see where the other cat was, then she ran away, since that’s the usual conclusion to her interactions with other animals.
Also, does Anne have a kink at the end of her tail? It’s hard to tell in the picture, but Chloe has one, and I’m trying to figure out if it’s congenital or not. She looks exactly like Anne in all other ways, right down to her wing-tip front paws.
Anne has a severely kinked tail that’s all seized up close to her butt – the vet said ‘congenital birth defect’ which I suspect is true because Bonny has a very minor little kink right at the end of hers.
Chloe has a little kink at the end of her (pretty short) tail. It looks like a question mark. SO CUTE. It doesn’t seem to hurt her, so I’m guessing it’s also a congenital thing. I’m now wondering if this is a common trait in tuxedo cats.
Fallen London go go go
I became a Person of Some Importance kind of by accident. I thought “I’ll just start the storyline off and finish it later when I have all of the expensive crap you need.” Turns out… I already had it lying around? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hooray for hoarding! (I thought you had to buy all kinds of expensive clothes but it turns out you can substitute a bunch of other things for that step, including some social connections I already had.)
Also I am about ready to set the goddamn Tiger Keeper on fire. STOP HIDING, ASSHAT
Congratulations! The Ambitious Barrister came to visit this week but (perhaps coincidentally THOUGH I SUSPECT NOT) my next step can’t be completed without getting my dangerous up like, a lot. Spent the week engaging in fisticuffs, and Theoretta Rizing is just as bad at Black Ribbon duelling as she is at stab-and-grab. It’s only training, how can I be this beat up just running around and spying on people?
The advent calendar and Christmas cards are super fun, though!
I became a PoSI too, and also got kicked out of the university but I don’t care because that bastard is a murderer goddammit! I’m currently trying to do stuff to get a ship but it’s sort of just grinding to get stuff and it’s a bit dull-o.
Holy crap you aren’t kidding, they should rename it Person of Eternal Grinding because apparently THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW
Ahhh I totally missed this! I have a billion Christmas cards, who wants one and/or new acquaintances?
I feel like I am stuck in a weird between-levels state where my stats aren’t high enough for any new stuff but too high for my existing options.
Are you mittensblum there? I’m always up for new acquaintances tho I’m out of Xmas cards until that bastard Time shows up again. Theoretta Rizing, hit me up.
Still working on getting my Dangerous up (it’s up to 87! progress!), but I’ve died like three times this week (my general approach to menaces is “oh, fuck it,” but this is starting to get annoying).
I have joined the Tournament of Lilies, which is fun except my empathy/identification for my plant is out of control and when its verdant menace gets crushed, it is way more of a bummer than when my character gets wounded. Maybe because it rescued me from suffocating in a velvet-lined box in the Orphanage all those times? I don’t know.
I have also robbed the Ministry of Decency so many times lately that they should dedicate a corridor of it just to me. Making Books of Buried Bodies is no joke!
I think I am going to join the Parthenaeum Club because Chucklehead McAvoy with all his larks about putting catmint in the Duchess’s underwear is really grating on my nerves. Unless there is another club (other than Dilmun) — anybody know?
Just the two clubs, sadly, both of which are foul with the stink of masculine energy. I hereby petition for a Ladies’ Neathy Misandry Club. Activities shall include sewing, full-contact croquet, and setting fire to Chuffy McAvoy-Dauntless.
How long did it take to get your vegetable grown enough? I have been feeding mine jade & pearls for ages, and I’m still around 3-4.
I have joined the Young Stags & am so glad to be a member – destroy clubland from the inside out!
(this is for Bunburying)
the key to growing your plant all the way is occasionally fertilizing it with dead rats, lighting candles around it, telling it some good secrets, and above all, if you get an Orchid Keeper card, if you’re not going to spend Nex on the plant, just discard her. Don’t risk it. Her advice is at random and usually it wilts your plant right back down, at least for me.
Yes, that is exactly my experience with that card – I’ve been gradually building it up and then all of it goes away! I could drop some nex on it, if you think it’s a fun story – the last nex thing I did was Pygmalion in the mahogany hall, and it wasn’t that exciting.
I don’t remember that you *have* to spend Nex on it, but it helps. And yes, the plant is great, especially if you ever go to the Orphanage or if you want to play in the Tournament of Lilies!!, which is sort of like the wax and stab game but for plants.
The main thing is just *don’t* let the Orchid Keeper look at your plant — the option that is based on the random luck generator. Whenever she misidentifies it as a hell-fern, you lose growth – and she misidentified mine more often than not. But if you discard her, I think you can probably also build your plant up without Nex – it will just take longer. But hey, it’s a plant, it takes a little time!
I would be delighted to join your Neathy Misandry Club! we should petition. Sewing, full-contact croquet, and long botanizing walks in the woods. I would be the first to light a match for Chucklehead McA-D.
So this is a bit late to be asking questions on the open post but you seem to be in the know and I have a quandary on my hands. After so much work to become a posi in the 90s+ in all the skills I still can’t get through the godamn labyrinth because I’m missing the key. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I go to fallen London and red wine in equal parts to relax so it’s possible that I somehow gathered all of those candles, got buried alive a couple of times, and then got to the rescue those damsels point and missed the picking up the key point I guess. Now I go in use a couple of actions and get bounced because I don’t have the key. Am I now the minitouar? Is there an opportunity card that comes up so that I can just burn that mother down?
I think I pick pocketed it from an orderly? I did it pretty soon after arriving at the Orphanage. Try the Opportunity Cards?
burning it down is actually totally a possibility, so keep at it!!!
p.s. it is hard not to like the Tiger Keeper once you find him — good luck with the hunt!
(p.p.s. the very last step involves something you have to wait for, so don’t fret too much if you are going from 13 to 14 in the tiger labyrinth)
I recently unlocked my first new location (The Flit), which is exciting. Otherwise I’ve been playing at a leisurely pace and enjoying the advent items. If anyone wants an acquaintance or Christmas card, I’m onelittlefish in the Neath as well.
I am incredibly lucky– this is my last work day, and I get the next two weeks off. Had enough vacation time to cover the whole thing! I’m flying back to the Midwest to see the parents, and my brother is coming in from Tokyo, so the whole family will be together again for the first time in three years.
Howwwever I’m kind of worried I’m going to go crazy because (1) the Midwest and (2) none of my old friends will be off work for more than a couple days. My parents work and have social lives, and my brother won’t be around until the second week. So… anyone have ideas for short-ish term projects I could start? These could be productive (knitting something!) or fulfilling (reading the collected works of Tolstoy?) or just fun (a videogame that my 4+ year old laptop could run)– I’m open to all suggestions and anecdotes.
I would say plan for a combination of things, so that you can switch around.
If you are a knitter (since you mentioned it), this might be a good time to try to learn a new technique or work on a finnicky pattern that you need to focus on. Or it might be a good time to find a nice, simple pattern and knock a whole thing out in two weeks.
Check out your local library and see what books look good. If you have an e-reader, see what you can load up with. Assuming you have access to streaming video, you could binge-watch TV or check out movies you’ve been meaning to see (those movies that sound really good but you don’t feel up to on a Wednesday night when you are trying to unwind).
Are your family doing gifts? I often find my “what to read over Christmas break” quandry is solved Christmas morning.
ETA: at the Hairpin Jasmine posted a list of books other people recommended for her http://thehairpin.com/2014/12/books-you-might-lik…
I would also suggest trying to go for a walk or some other outside activity every day, so that you get some sunlight and fresh air, that helps with SAD and cabin fever.
Good point on the fresh air. It will probably be very cold air, but I have been meaning to take a camera out to capture the frozen wastelands & show them to my urban-coastal friends.
TOLSTOY!!! War and Peace is insanely slow and each character has 5 names but once you get the hang of it you’ll be locked in! Anna Karinina is also incredible with a much more focused plot. Do it. Enjoy. We can discuss 🙂
Hahaha oh man I brought up Tolstoy as an example because… I’ve already done that. Took a Tolstoy survey class in college. I love Anna Karenina– I’d already read it twice before the class, hence my motivation for taking it, and I also enjoyed seeing the W&P side of his writing. I enjoy his way of writing relationships, the way they never seem tied up with a bow, no illusions of “one true love” or a “right” partner, just realism and conflict and back-and-forth.
Actually now that I’m saying that, maybe I should re-read W&P next week. It’s been a while and I remember very little in detail. Just snippets, like when they pushed the bear out the window, and all the Napoleon fanfic.
YES! And tied the bear to a police man! What lovable scamps.*
* = the patriarchies word for white thugs
What part of the Midwest? Can you get to the St. Louis Art Museum? I make a pilgrimage there every time I visit my folks and sometimes it’s the only redeeming part of the visit…Maybe there is a good art museum close to you?
Poll: how do people manage their hormonal emotional jags?
I have figured myself out enough at this point to understand that 1.) it’s happening and 2.) my (tortured/angry/morose) feelings are likely not an accurate reflection of my “reality”. But still get quite weepy and sad, so struggle with managing that. It would be ok if I were in a vacuum, but I’ve got things like friends, boyfriend, family and work colleagues, and would love to try any magic tricks our collective awesomeness may have discovered. I get this going a couple days when I ovulate, and then around my period, so… yeah. It sucks.
Yes, I would like to know this too…
(you aren’t alone)
I get like this as well! I have a (non-foolproof, but what’re you gonna do?) two-step method:
1) Fake it ’til you make it! At least when you’re around people that aren’t your boyfriend
2) Copious amounts of TV/movie watching to take my mind off of things
So, I’ve been depressed most of my life and have had varying success managing it. But now that I’m a more or less functional adult with friends/boyfriend/family/work, the thing that really helps me on the day-to-day is that Agent Cooper life advice: every day, give yourself a present. Some days, if you’re doing pretty well, that present might be a literal present to yourself, like an extra cup of coffee or something fun at a store, but on the rough days, it’s a way to justify NOT doing something: skipping the gym, not answering a text, going to bed early. Limiting it to one thing a day keeps you “functional” but allowing yourself that margin keeps you sane.
I don’t know if this answers your question but it keeps me going on the good and the bad days.
Honestly, I make a habit of saying it out loud because I find that helps me manage it and go perform self-soothing actions faster. So I’ll notice I’m crying or stomping and say OUT LOUD (sometimes even to friends or partner or coworker) “Ugh, I’m hormonal right now, so my body is crying/angry at everything! I should listen to some happy music/watch some muppets/take a time out in my cube before I make dinner/finish this report/meet everyone.”
I feel the same way. It helps to say it to my group text of friends or to my boyfriend, and it also helps them recognize it. Saying it out loud makes it feel…more legitimate, maybe? Obviously feelings are always legitimate, but vocalizing it makes me realize that this is a real thing that I’m dealing with, and therefore something that deserves attention and action.
Oh! I am going to try this. I tend to stew and cry in silence.
I think just understanding #1 and #2 are half the battle. I have a #3–training myself not to be hard on myself for having feelings and not keeping them under wraps 100% of the time. I don’t know how it goes for you, but for me this is a biggie. It takes some of the anxiety away and makes me less likely to weep because I’m not having feelings and also wrapped up in some terrible shame vortex for having them. I wish I had a step #4 for the remaining weep-attacks, but I’m still working on that…
Mine are sort of a jumbled mess due to ALSO having depression/anxiety on the regular, so it’s…amplified. I’m working on various methods, but I’ve found getting enough sleep helps, as well as exercising. Also it helps to be aware of it (like, ‘hi I am having crazy thoughts because of hormones and not because my friends and family ACTUALLY hate me”). Keeping myself busy is also helpful, since if I have too much time to think about it my thoughts turn into a runaway sad train.
and wine. wine helps.
but.. wine is crying juice 🙁
I hear you on the depression front. PMS turns into utter despair for me, with a side of anger.
Oh wow, this is so relevant right now. Hormonal blues club *high five*
For the part of handling your environment, I usually give a PMS warning to everyone (even the dudebros in my former all-male office, much to their horror) so they know why I’m so weird and try not to talk about dead puppies and other things that make me sad, and overall just leave me alone. I understand this is in terribly bad taste and most people wouldn’t want to do it. Sorry I can’t help more with that.
For the warped feels, one thing that has helped me a lot is learning about cognitive therapy and techniques to “unwarp” them. Since I can’t afford actual therapy, I did the training on https://moodgym.anu.edu.au and was pleasantly surprised with the results. You are already aware that what you feel at this time is not the reality, so maybe some of the techniques would work for you. My favorite is talking to me about my feelings like I would to my best friend — so simple, yet so effective.
I… hope any of this can help you. I’m looking forward to more suggestions because I struggle so much with this ugh.
I signed up for the “mood gym” – thanks for the recommendation! I’ve been doing CBT with my amazing therapist for a couple of years now and it’s made a really positive difference for me.
I hope it helps you! The exercises are a bit repetitive, but I like their approach of not taking themselves too seriously. Best of luck!
With things like this: http://www.herbalist-alchemist.com/item/David-Winstons-Womens-Calmpound-1093. Let us know if you try it! (Also helped stop monthly acne.)
Guys! all this advice is so good! I agree that acknowledging it is key, and tracking my cycle (I do FAM for “birth control” lololol but it’s been effective for a few years now) is another huge component. So I’ve got those things down pretty pat. Not coming down too hard on my self, and also letting others know that i’m more “raw” than normal is going to be my next step. I had a rough night the other night – not AWFUL, but definitely went to bed in tears b/c I felt lonely and hormonal, and then the Best Boo came home early to me being this way and let me know that I can always give him a heads up, so he can give me extra support when i’m there. Which – is why he’s the Best Boo. But I’d like to not feel like that’s my solution.
I think “fake it til you make it” is a good idea too – simply because these hormone jags put my mind in such wild, untrue places (“everyone hates me!” or “I’m the worst at everything!”) – I find that if I can invest time in things that make me feel good about myself, like my dance or my friends, then I definitely do better. I kept thinking that meditation would help, but that ended up getting me too far into a hormonal mind, which is really not good.
And for what it’s worth – I’ve noticed that caffeine makes things worse for me, as well as alcohol.
I used this technique today: I know that I’m going to be hair-trigger grumpy and take everything personal. So, instead of reacting directly, I write down: so and so said this and that to me and now I want to kill them. Then I check after my pms/period, see if it’s still relevant, and only then do I take it up with them. This helps with hysterical accusations of: “You alwasy say xyz because you think I’m [negative thing] boohoohooo”
I went on the pill and it made a massive difference. I still suffer a bit, but the other good thing is that I look at my pill pack every month and when there are only three or four pills left I know I am going to be irrational and crabby for the next week so when it happens I can sit on it and also know why it’s happening. I used to get taken by surprise every single time, and my cycle was massively irregular so it really was quite unpredictable.
Yeah, me too. I went off for a few months at felt totally at sea (in a bad way) because I couldn’t tell what was real and what was just dumb hormones, because they were fluctuating all the time. I had no emotional barometer, if that makes sense. Went back on, and at least now the hideous weepy fests are predictable.
Not consuming caffeine starting 3 or 4 days before I ovulate or menstruate helps me a whole lot, especially with pain/bloating but also with mood stability. I’ve had luck with certain herbs (vitex/chaste berry and black cohosh) but I’m reluctant to advise anyone else to take them because they can be dangerous if you have hormonal problems or don’t take the correct dose. Oh, and they can lessen the effectiveness of HBC so please be careful if you choose to explore this path!
I used to get semi-dehydrated much too often. Once I learned better habits, drinking water or water-like fluids at regular intervals throughout the day, I discovered a happy effect on mood. Evening out my hydration levels also evened out my mood swings. YMMV, but there’s not downside to drinking a bit more water every morning and afternoon.
I take hormonal birth control, and it’s changed my life. Now I get slightly irritable, and have a day or two of discomfort. Previously, I was irritable and filled with despair for a week to 10 days (seriously, convincing myself that getting out of bed was worth it was a chore), and then had death cramps. So yeah, estrogen therapy, it’s the best.
Bioresponse DIM and calcium d-glucarate. You’ll have to research your own situation, but i’ve tried every hormone AND every anti-depressant AND every anxiolytic for premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Those two things keep me out of jail.
My wife an I are moving this weekend. EVERYTHING IS CHAOS! THE CATS MEOW IN MOURNFUL CONFUSION! I DID GET CUTE CHEAP SOCKS AT TARGET SO THERE IS SOME JOY LEFT IN THIS WORLD.
Oh man pets and moving! Mr. Floridagal and I moved recently and the whole time were were packing things up, driving to the new town, the rabbits stared at us mournfully with this expression of “why are you doing this to me, you haaaaaate me, you’re going to get rid of me, everything is terrible” that was kind of funny.
Then when we got to the new house, we set up their cage, opened the door (they’re litter-trained free range rabbits, but we keep a cage set up with their food, water, and litter box in it that they can go in and out of as they want) and they refused to come out for like 4 days. Poor buns.
oh man, I am thinking of moving soon and also have a free range bunny who is a bit elderly, and am mildly worried how he’ll take it. This sounds very funny and sad!
At least there was no protest pooping. My bunny has excellent litter box habits, but he does like to express his feelings if you upset him — Orions and Cassiopeieas and Gemini of protest poops. (Dotted) lines drawn in the sand! Thank god bunnies are vegetarians.
Protest pooping! I am so familiar with that. I call it hate-pooping. Once Mr. Floridagal was gone for a week for work, and on the last night of that week I went solo-camping (it’s not quite a witch-cave, but I was living in a prairie province at the time and its the closest I could get) for ONE NIGHT, and when I got home lo and behold one bunny had hate-pooped all over the bed. The bed was like 3.5 ft off the ground-only one of our bunnies is able to jump onto it. Gross 🙁 So I was very happy that when we moved there wasn’t any of that. Remember-we don’t do people things for people reasons.We do people things AT them to ruin their lives because we’re horrible giant monsters who steal their poop. (Our bunnies also get very upset and antsy whenever their litter box is cleaned, even though this happens fairly regularly a couple times a week. IDK why.)
I found hate-poop on the floor of my study exactly where I put my feet when I sit at my desk. It was not, as you say, because I was doing people things for people reasons. It was not because I was sick that I was sleeping on the sofa during the business day, in plain sight of dogs who desired to be petted. No, it was because I am a horrible giant monster and I was ruining their lives by neglecting them right under their noses. Clearly I deserved protest poop. How can such cute little dogs be such nasty little shits?
Oh god my cat yowled for months at random doors after our last move. I think she was convinced one of them would open up into our old apartment.
Happy holidays Toast! Today is my last day of work until January and I’m driving home to see my parents (and their dogs yessssss) tomorrow!
I’ve done SO well on Christmas presents except that I’m still totally stumped on my mom. So far I’ve gotten her a scarf she told my dad she wanted and salt shakers shaped like wiener dogs inside hot dog buns, so… something else would be good. Any gift suggestions for a cool mom who knows everything about everything and doesn’t take shit from anybody?
A tote bag with a witty saying? Moms always seem to need/use tote bags.
I bought my mom a book about lady spies in the Revolutionary War! It’s called Liar Temptress Soldier Spy, I think?
I am going to eat Chinese food and drink wine with my wife while sitting by our little metallic purple Christmas tree.
“Metallic purple christmas tree” makes me think of the scene in Charlie Brown Christmas where they go and look at all the expensive fake trees and Charlie Brown is bitching about commercialism and even as a kid I was like “FUCK YOU CHARLIE A PURPLE CHRISTMAS TREE IS ALL I WANT IN LIFE”
in short you are living the dream
Toastiverse! I am busy with many things at the moment (work! school! my idiotic promise to knit everything in the world as Christmas gifts!) but I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season and a glorious New Year. I am looking forward to seeing my whole family at Christmas and then having a week of glorious solitude to myself. There will be baking.
I want to make sure everyone knows about this photoset of Kristen Stewart that appeared on my Tumblr dash today.
The 20% coupon code for my Etsy shop is still active: WINTER20. If you order today or tomorrow, I promise to get them in the mail same day.
And here’s what I wore to my office party last Friday night. The headache abated just long enough for me to dress up and make an appearance. My hair is almost down to my waist, but thanks to the magic of bobby pins and a lot of product, I managed to get it up into a fake bob.
You look fab!
That close up is now my third favorite picture of you, after the one with your car and one of the bellydancing ones.
You were not kidding about sequins and a camo tule skirt. I never thought I would type this. Please lead us, O Queen! I desperately want to be cool enough to pull this off AND I’m digging the faux bob!
I desperately want to be cool enough to pull this off
Fake it ’til you make it, bb! No joke. Never accept the idea of being too old/too skinny/too fat/too anything to wear A Look. If you love it, wear it with confidence. Your confidence and love will sell it. I promise.
Now Go Forth and Look Good!
If the Gif Queen says I can, I will. I’ll rock some outrageous Christmas look and post pictures to prove it!
Amazing!!!
Fancy! Hope you had fun.
Yes, I did, thanks! My office party is actually not too horrible. The free booze helps.
SMOKIN’ HOT
I am so late to the thread, but had to comment nevertheless to say: that is a strong look. Love it!
Last day of work before holidays! I’m headed out to a Family Christmas in Washington on Sunday and hanging out with friends in Oregon for a few days before flying back to Boston on 12/31 to HOST a New Year’s Eve party, because I make bad decisions.
This is just to say: how do you deal with your family around the holidays? How do you deal with anxiety about family holidays? Mostly they go well but when they go bad it’s so stressful.
I am lucky to have family holidays go well most of the time, but for me, it’s all about having a place you can retreat to and something you can do while retreating there. Maybe it’s a Starbucks down the street, or maybe it’s guest room or an office or even just a bathroom, but someplace you can go where you can be quiet and alone. And then a book to read or a distracting game to play on your phone or something. (Unless you’re someone who can meditate, which is amazing. That has never worked so well for me.)
GOOD LUCK ROBOT!
The Starbucks is a whole 1.4 miles away which is absurd they live near Seattle.
But I will have a guest room and I can always retreat there no matter what which is a good reminder, thank you 🙂
When I used to visit my folks in their tiny house (nowhere to hide) in the middle of nowhere (nowhere to go), I would go outside. When I heard my father turn on Rush Limbaugh, I’d go shovel snow. No snow? Sweeping. Or leaf raking. If Rush is still on when I come inside, I pretend I only came in to get a drink of water, then go out again and rake leaves for their neighbors. And for their neighbors’ neighbors. Or walk down the hill to see if i can spot a deer. Takes a long time to spot a deer in the dark. Long walks.
Good luck. Take along a flask.
Can you bring work home? I find that having something that simply MUST get done is helpful. Then you can’t get any guilt trips for doing it, possibly for hours.
Drinking & retreating are both great options. You can also try to get people to do activities that don’t involve talking about yourselves in any way. Games (charades, balderdash?), movies, or some thing energetic like the cross-country skiing I am really hoping to pull off this year. Or getting the oldest person in the room to tell stories about a time before you were born. Anything that will get you & family members out of the usual conversation patterns (if they are patterns that can go horribly wrong).
Someone at my work said he was surprised to learn that I love Christmas. This just proves that my coworkers are not my REAL FRIENDS.
And, although this is weird, I wanted to recommend these shoes because I feel like Toast people would like them: http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Girls-9-16yrs-Shoes…
They are technically girl’s shoes, but I got them in a US 9 and they fit really well and are insulated and people compliment them every single time I wear them. So…go forth and have gold booties!
OMG! So cute! What size do you wear in women’s adult shoes? I am seriously considering obtaining these because I need all the gold accessories. All of them.
My husband told me he couldn’t afford to buy me a Christmas present. Today he is travelling 9 hours to buy a motorcycle. But, I am not angry. [Although, I did ask him how he reconciled motorcycle vs. my gift and he looked shifty & guilty. But that question was for my amusement.] No, I’m not angry. Because I know he won’t be arsed to get his motorcycle license this year. I plan to take the training course this spring and get mine. So I’ll ride the bike! So really, I’m getting a motorcycle for Christmas!
Congratulations on your new motorcycle and your ability to get your manservant to travel 9 hours to get it so you don’t have to!
You win Christmas!
Thanks for mentioning the Reith lectures. I just downloaded the Marina Warner one. I love BBC’s offerings–I listen to In Our Time and Food Programme all the time.
I feel like my parents often assert things about me that I disagree with, but I rarely contradict them because it would just devolve into an argument.
(This is supposed to be a reply to foxinthe_snow, but it doesn’t seem to be putting it in the correct place.)
Finals: DONE. Grad applications: DONE. Manuscript of my thesis: DONE.
I basically have nothing to do for the rest of break besides read and go to Pure Barre (sorry, I’m becoming one of the Hey, Ladies D: ). What should I read over break/how should I distract myself from checking all my grad application websites??
Knitting toasties! Look what I did!
I finished my bisexucowl!
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and I MADE A SOCK
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I am anninyn on ravelry and my project details can be found there
Don’t have good picture yet, but I FINALLY finished my Mom’s xmas shawl.
Close up of the lace pattern
gorgeous! I haven’t tried more than super-simple lace work with chunky yarn yet. It scares me.
I made a beanie! This is my first knitting project ever, it’s made from merino wool and it’s so soooffft.
Practical AND attractive!
I love the pompom on top!
Yay! Congrats!
Congratulations on both! They look faboo.
Last week I told you guys that I was going to be doing the first reading of my work — the first reading I’ve ever done in my whole life!
And I was scared as all get-out and didn’t know what to expect from complete strangers hearing my work.
So I started off really shaky. My daughter and her boyfriend were there, and he said “I thought it was going to be awful, with your voice trembling … but you turned it around. And it was good, really really good.”
Other people said that what I wrote was beautiful, and that I should continue *trying* to become a writer with a capital “W”. At that point, though, I was just happy that I was still alive, because I thought I was going to die … and it wasn’t all hysteria and melodrama. Mostly, but not all!
I am now re-energized and walking on solid ground again after a few days of floating and head-bursting happiness.
I DID IT!
I DID IT!
< Breathing again >
Highest of fives!!!
Like many of the weirdos who are more afraid of public speaking than dying, I highly admire (while also questioning their sanity) someone who faces a crowd voluntarily . So glad to see you are celebrating your victory accordingly 🙂
Wonderful! congratulations <3
LEGEND OF KORRA LEGEND OF KORRA
THEY WALKED INTO THE YONIC SUNSET TOGETHER AND IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING
Spoiler alert!!!
I haven’t watched a single episode of Legend of Korra yet (I am 2/3 done with Avatar) but this made me soooo happy when I heard this morning. NICE.
OH MY GOD THAT HAPPENED AND NOW I CAN WATCH THE WHOLE THING.
The dream is real THE DREAM IS REAL
I haven’t watched the finale yet but that is awesome.
I keep smiling and tearing up.
I swear my heart actually stopped beating from sheer joy when this happened.
I am way too old for a cartoon to affect me this much. But man, nothing else has shaken me out of my funk this entire month. I keep whispering to myself “Korrasami is canon!” and smiiiiling.
What an absolutely amazing, thrilling, beautiful finale.
Okay, now I HAVE to catch up on Korra. I’m a huge Avatar fan, but I rage-quit Korra after the first-season finale (Seriously? You have such an interesting set-up to deal with institutionalized oppression and you resolve it in the most boring and status-quo-reinforcing fashion imaginable). I hear it got better, though?
I stopped after S1 too, but my friends convinced me to watch S3 and I’m glad they did because it is fucking amazing. I think S3 is stronger than S4 but not by too much, esp. when taking the earlier seasons into account. I loved the finale a lot, also, and not just because of this final scene. So you should watch!
OK, fangirl squeeing aside, this is so important. So so important. With the whole Avatar universe, we now have a cartoon — for children — that has:
– bisexual women of colour
– lots of strong female characters
– many awesome older characters
– several badass disabled characters
– depiction of a main character suffering from PTSD
– ethnically diverse characters and no canon white people (this is Word Of God, so if anyone has any “but [x] LOOKS white!” feels, take them elsewhere)
– dealing with big questions around politics, morals, etc.
– direct dealing with sexism, physical/sexual/emotional boundaries, and relationship problems (romantic, familial, social) in remarkably progressive ways
– lots more stuff I’m forgetting about at the mo
– AND all of this is done in a quiet, non-self-congratulatory way, as if it was no biggie
If I ever have children, I can’t wait to share this with them, and I am already showing it to my friends’ children (who all love it — it’s also entertaining as heck, funny, and beautifully animated). What a great show. I’m sad it’s over, but I’m thrilled with how it ended, and I will always love it.
…..!!!!!!!!!!!1
Reposting my facebook question.
Having now heard It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year approximately 189 times, I have questions. The one line declares that “there’ll be scary ghost stories/ and tales of the glories” Who tells ghost stories at Christmas? Is this a thing of which I was unaware? Is it just a strained attempt at a rhyme, and if so can we ban the song for gross inaccuracy?
Also, having failed to find a catsitter in time, my shall we say intense landllady is going to be watching her. And cleaning my apartment. Which I’ll admit sounds like a sweet deal, but as I said she’s umm a lot to handle and I get freaked out about people being in my space. Must relax and be rational. Or start drinking the 22nd and keep going until I’m home again.
I always thought that was in reference to A Christmas Carol and the Ghosts of Christmas Past/Present/Future. No idea if that’s right, though.
I had that song stuck in my head while I was wrapping presents and WONDERED THE SAME THING. It had never occurred to me how odd that line was until recently.
I dunno, A Christmas Carol is kind of a ghost story? That’s the only thing I can think of.
It used to be a Christmas tradition to tell ghost stories. That’s why the Christmas Carol features ghosts. Victorian readers expected a good scary story for their Christmas entertainment.
Last year, the Guardian ran a series of modern Christmas ghost stories: http://www.theguardian.com/books/series/guardian-…
http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/dec/23/ghos…
christmas eve is the traditional time for all ghost stories but specifically ghost stories from the era of framing devices. Any ghost story that starts with a bunch of men telling stories to each other in a gentleman’s club or otherwise and then one of them is all like, the Crimean War was a good time to be sure but how about now we turn away from stories about bayonets and towards stories about GHOSTS is sure to be set on Christmas Eve.
I am short of examples because it is literally all of them but the last one I read was The Woman in Black by Susan Hill which is self-consciously retro about it.
edit: oh, the Turn of the Screw is a Christmas ghost story, that’s a good characteristic example. I forgot about that due to not having read it.
edit edit: and SUPPOSEDLY it (Christmas ghost storytelling) is a genuine folk tradition thing and not something invented by Dickens and beat into the ground in literature for the next fifty years but I don’t know if that’s true or not. alls I know is I like it.
It’s less of a thing now maybe, but in the nineteenth century people definitely read ghost stories to each other around the fire. Personally, I would like to revive any tradition that involves ghost stories. Further reading: A Christmas Carol and The Turn of the Screw.
By all means ban “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” though.
I think it used to be more of a thing, and that that is part of why A Christmas Carol is a thing.
I think the ghost story thing is more of a British thing than an American thing. Although apparently Americans did it too. Someday when I’m hosting my own Christmas/New Year’s celebrations, I want to revive the custom, because the coldest and darkest time of the year is an ideal time to stay inside, turn the lights down, and try to scare each other silly.
Yep, British Victorian tradition. There is a one-man theatre thing that tours each winter reading M R James’ stories b y candlelight, I discovered it last year and didn’t get round to going and have been twice this year. Loving it.
Ooh, I’ve heard about that guy’s James performances, and I would love to see one someday. Too bad I live on the wrong side of the Atlantic to just pop over to one of his tour locations.
Somewhat related… The CBC Radio program “As It Happens” always shares a ghost story called The Shepherd on Dec. 24th. It added a spooky edge to the Xmas eve drive to grandma’s house throughout my childhood.
Here’s a link to the recording: http://www.cbc.ca/asithappens/features/2011/12/23…
So glad to hear someone else knows of this story! My family listens to it every christmas eve; the tradition started before my parents were even married. Thanks for the link.
Don’t forget my favorite Christmas ghost story, that one episode of The X-Files. You know the one.
I just saw this article come across facebook: Why ghosts haunt England at Christmas but steer clear of America.
Toastitos: I get to be home in my PJs for all of Christmas Eve and Day! With a dog and cats and the dude! We will be skyping family in the leave it on for three hours hang out way, and playing videogames and watching specials. I miss my Mom/Dad, but this new pajama reality is possibly the most beautiful possible consequence of not having money to fly home.
I get to play Dragon Age Inquisition! And Persona Q! And eat delicious food while looking like a bum and not seeing my extended family!
Now how do I avoid becoming attached to this new reality and therefore grumpy when I have to start going home again.
I get to be home in my PJs for all of Christmas Eve! With my dog and my dude will be at work, which means that I can stretch allll the way out on the couch and watch Sherlock all day. And make a delicious dinner and do a 3000 piece puzzle.
And then the next day we have to drive to see my family and then the next day we have to see his family and I’m afraid instead of being refreshed from Christmas eve, I’ll be grumpy thinking about all of the puzzle potential I’m missing out on.
So, I feel ya.
This is the Christmas I thought I was going to have? And while Im glad the bf is an air travel price master wizard and we’ll be heading to LA– PJs + spinach artichoke dip + movies would have been a great alternative. ENJOY IT!
ARE YOU ME because I’m playing DAI and PQ, and both are so good that they’ve restored my hope in humanity.
1. MALLORY IF YOU ARE READING THIS why did you not ever tell us they made a movie out of THE PASSION OF AYN RAND [1] starring HELEN MIRREN as Ayn Rand and ERIC STOLZ as Nathaniel Branden and JULIE DELPY AND PETER FONDA as the frowny witnesses to her depraved objectivist sexual predation upon the gentle star of Some Kind of Wonderful
maybe you did post about this a billion times already and I forgot every time. that is more than likely.
2. toast, I am literally angry with rage, which of these gym events justifies it more:
a man 20 years older than me doing pullups at me
or
a woman ten years younger than me doing handstand pushups
old man, I will destroy you
[1] aka the book my mother adduced as evidence as to why Heinleinesque plural marriages would dissolve into disfunction if attempted in reality.
why was adolescent me arguing about heinlein with my mother
who knows
adolescent me argued about nearly everything and there’s a lot to argue about with heinlein
oho but I was pro, not anti. my mom had only read them cause my dad owned them and thought (and said) that he had no idea how actual human beings behaved. that was far too adult a conclusion for me to have any patience with.
I still take the position that “heinlein juveniles” is a term properly applied to all of them and that far from corrupting youth, the later weirder long ones that everybody hates are completely fantastic for kids to read, though perhaps only for kids. if you are a twelve-year-old you are in the prime zone to read them with a generous mind, you are having enough new weird shameful sex ideas of your own that you are not going to judge old Robert for his right off the bat. plus I still think that however gross it may have become in development, the basic idea of a longing for a 1960s-style sexual revolution in 1950s outfits with 1940s dialogue has a certain something to it. like even though unlike him I am not a terrible sexist monster, the idea of wishing to go directly from the 1930s to the 1970s with nothing in between has a lot of power to it.
Yes! Friday is the thing to read when you are a fourteen-year-old girl who just wants to know that she can have choices and agency and maybe kick a butt every now and again.
Christina Rosetti, warming my spinster heart.
“Promises, like Pie-Crust”
Promise me no promises,
So will I not promise you:
Keep we both our liberties,
Never false and never true:
Let us hold the die uncast,
Free to come as free to go:
For I cannot know your past,
And of mine what can you know?
You, so warm, may once have been
Warmer towards another one:
I, so cold, may once have seen
Sunlight, once have felt the sun:
Who shall show us if it was
Thus indeed in time of old?
Fades the image from the glass,
And the fortune is not told.
If you promised, you might grieve
For lost liberty again:
If I promised, I believe
I should fret to break the chain.
Let us be the friends we were,
Nothing more but nothing less:
Many thrive on frugal fare
Who would perish of excess.
Oh, my spinster heart is warmed too!
THANK YOU. I was just looking up my favorite Rosetti poem, “In an Artist’s Studio.” Didn’t know yours before!
Guys I am so over Smug White Ladies right now. Last night I had to tell off a terrible rape apologist and just now I had to do a funder site visit with one who talked real slow and condescending to the older lady gardeners at a housing project. Can I just never talk to anyone ever again?
oh god i am so ready for it to be tuesday night so i can be at home with my parents lighting hanukkah candles, not staying late at work for the 35784th time in a row trying to get insane requests done before the holiday.
I’m flying from New York to Michigan tonight and I’m going to be there AN ENTIRE WEEK with my family and my husband’s family. I get to do some aunting and hopefully see some real snow and I’m so excited and I’ve done almost nothing at work, HOORAY!
Hooray Michigan! Hooray doing almost nothing at work! Here in mid-Michigan we haven’t had any snow the last few days, just some freezing rain, but I hear we’ve got some snow in store. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!
Yes! Michigan!
We’ve got like 3″ in TC/Leelanau County, which I can’t really decide if that’s an improvement over last year. And I also don’t want to jinx myself into another winter where we get TWENTY TWO FEET OF SNOW because I am not sure I can handle that two years in a row.
TC!!! My brother lives in TC and I wouldn’t mind moving there in the long run. The local culture is just so delightful.
It’s my favorite. 🙂
Finals: DONE. Grad applications: DONE. Manuscript of my thesis: DONE.
I basically have nothing to do for the rest of break besides read and go to Pure Barre (sorry, I’m becoming one of the Hey, Ladies D: ). What should I read over break/how should I distract myself from checking all my grad application websites??
PS. Are IntenseDebate comments not working for anyone else using Chrome? I can’t log in/see thumbs up on Chrome, but on Safari now and it looks normal.
They look normal for me, but they’ve been suuuuper slooooooow and hiccupy. Until I went to chrome://plugins and disabled Adobe Flash Player. It’s a bummer because I have to disable it to read the Toast and comment and then enable it to use our work expense program but eh, whatcha gonna do.
Comments weren’t working for me but turning off AdBlocker fixed it!
Can we talk about books? I recently started One Hundred Years of Solitude, and I am really struggling with it. I think it’s mostly because everyone always talks about how good this book is and how great Marquez is, and I’m just not there (yet?). Mostly I’m finding it uncomfortable, especially the sex scenes. But I am determined to make it through.
What are you reading? Are you enjoying it?
Also, any books you’re hoping to get for Christmas? I dropped hints about Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events, and I have my fingers crossed.
May I hijack your thread with a sub-topic? I would like recommendations of easy, not-too-heavy reads that aren’t completely stupid either.
I have been reading a lot of PG Wodehouse and the weird fan-fic PG Wodehouse book that just got published (that made me MAD). And enjoying it but I need to move on with my life now.
I tend towards The Dresden Files when I need some light, action-packed supernatural stuff. The main character’s a jerk, but most of the side characters are cool.
Also, Scott Lynch’s Gentleman Bastard series. They’re long, but they’re mostly fun books about con men screwing over the rich and powerful.
For easy, not-too-heavy, satisfying reads, off the top of my head:
Attachments by Rainbow Rowell – love it
Kate diCamillo books – possibly more rewarding for adults than for the kids who are the target audience
The Twitter account of Jonny Sun
Attachments is one of my comfort books – I just finished listening to the audio version for the 3rd time. So good.
I really liked Where’d You Go Bernadette?, which is sometimes fairly silly but is still well-written satire. If you want something more literary but not depressing, The Beauty of Humanity Movement definitely touches on some heavier stuff, but is really warm and optimistic and life-affirming. It’s also one of less than half a dozen books in the last 6 years that everyone in my book club liked. I read Brendan O’Carroll’s The Young Wan a few months ago and it was quite funny and easy and not at all stupid. That one’s about the lives of working class women in 1940’s Dublin
While at the beach this summer I read the Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert. It was a great not-heavy but not-dumb read.
I’m reading the Heir Apparent by Jane Ridley–non fiction about King Edward VII. It’s really good, and not at all stuffy.
Also I really enjoy these threads and keep my Goodreads page up while reading them as I have a bookshelf labeled “The Toast recommends” to keep all your suggestions.
I’ll recommend Wise Children by Angela Carter, which is my favorite Angela Carter book.
FWIW, my sister is reading that book and also struggling with it in the “Why is this so great again??” and I also didn’t get it during high school so….you are not alone (or you are my sister, and you are, in which case – sorry)
Thanks, I’m glad I’m not the only one. It just gets tough when everyone raves about something and you’re like why?
I just read the Amy Poehler memoir and really enjoyed it. I had read criticism that she spends too much time talking about how difficult it was for her to write, and she does do that. But I actually found that really interesting – at one point she says she’s been procrastinating on the book by writing literally anything else, as long as it didn’t have to be in her own voice, and that seemed really telling to me, because while Amy Poehler is super amazing, she doesn’t really have a well-developed public persona in the same way that Tina Fey or Mindy Kaling (to name two others with comedy memoirs) do. She seemed to be struggling with writing the book because she was struggling with how much of herself to really put forward, and how authentically to do that, which was fascinating.
Also there is a very moving chapter on apologies.
oooh, I want to read that. And all the other comedienne memoirs that have come out recently. New Year’s Resolution maybe
I am almost done with it and I am really enjoying it, too. I *really* liked the chapter on working on Parks and Rec (which I adore).
Same! It made me tear up a bit :’)
I looooved that book and like, most of my book club didn’t and as a result I’m semi-seriously reconsidering my friendship with all of them. I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
Oh, her book is so incredibly lovely. The apologies chapter made me cry. I loved Amy before reading it, but it just cemented for me how smart and genuinely kind she is.
A whole lot of it made me cry!
yeah, that apologies chapter is incredible. I actually got the audiobook, which is pretty great, because she is the main reader (with some guest stars) and she does a really good job in her reading.
audiobooked it and promptly bought it in hardcopy as a christmas gift for a friend. I loved the bit where she talks about watching the moon with her sons, so incredibly heartfelt.
I think for a lot of people One Hundred Years of Solitude is their first experience reading magic realism, which is part of why they find it so entrancing. I really liked it even though that wasn’t true for me, but I was also 16 so I’m not sure if I’d feel the same being introduced to it as an adult.
This is definitely one of the reasons I loved it. Another is that I really like generational stories/stories that talk about a family over several generations…Toast Librarians, is there a name for these? Like A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.
I think I was also entranced with the language on a sentence-by-sentence level, not quite as much the overall plot.
I think I’ve just heard of them as “multigenerational epics/dramas”. Have you tried Michael Crummey’s Galore it’s a multi-generational book with some great magical realism set in 19th century rural Newfoundland. I loved it a lot.
I really enjoy multigenerational books too. If you haven’t read it already, I’d recommend Wise Children by Angela Carter (again, because I already did up top), which is about twin sisters in particular but also just a whole big messed up family. What a Carve Up! by Jonathan Coe was also very good. Aaaand also A Suitable Boy, which is 1488 pages long so not exactly light holiday reading, but feels much shorter than 1488 pages.
And not a recommendation but a question: Did anyone else read the Sweet Valley High specials where they would do the story of someone’s family back to the 1700s? One was for Jessica and Elizabeth’s mom’s side and one for the dad’s, and then Lila Fowler and Bruce Patman also had one each. I loved them so much. It would always start with a couple who was supposed to be together but then something would happen to keep them apart, and then like 250 years later their descendants would be the Sweet Valley parents, so the two families were joined together at last.
does The Namesake (Jhumpa Lahiri) count as a generational story? would recommend regardless
I don’t think that’s it for me. I’ve been deeply immersed in magical realism for years. I read and loved a lot of Jorge Luis Borges’ work in my AP Spanish class. I really expected to love this book. Maybe my expectations were just too high or too different. Maybe i need to be in a better head space
Oh, and book-wise I am about 1/4 of the way through Hild (on the advice of multiple Toastfolk) and have secured an unabridged audiobook of Jane Eyre for my holiday roadtrip.
I just started Laline Paull’s The Bees and so far it’s pretty fucking amazing.
It does not get worse, let me tell you, it is fucking amazing to the very end.
Hurray!!! Thanks for the reassurance! First novels always make me a little nervous, but this is just SO GOOD.
That looks so cool
Oh look it is $1.99 for Kindle right now! Done and done.
I just picked it up as well. Thanks for the rec!
I’m reading Possession by A. S. Byatt, which won the Booker prize and came very highly recommended on the blogosphere. I am about 1/3 of the way through and I Do Not Get It. It’s… not bad, it’s just very… boring? And it’s skirting around the edge of some feminist issues and I can’t tell if they’re going to resolve satisfactorily or if I’ll come out of it being like “wow that had issues,” and it characterized an American character (book is set in England, very English) as having an old-money estate with a name in Arizona (??) which is just… not…
I’m sticking with it because my boyfriend finds the too-British-for-their-own-good excerpts I text him hilarious, and so do I. But I also feel uncultured and sad for not liking it.
Oh man I have attempted to read Possession… three times now, I think? And every time I got like 50 pages in before I was like LOL NOPE FUCK THIS FOREVER BYE. I have an English degree, I work in publishing, I love pretentious literary bullshit, but I just couldn’t do it for some reason. You’re not alone!
Ditto – I thought it might have been because I was reading it in a sort of musty attic guestroom in a state of terminal summer lassitude, but I think it may just be… *looks around nervously*… a truly dull book.
I have read it and many other Byatt novels and I seem to remember liking *all* the others more than Possession.
I actually loved the movie of Possession when I first saw it in high school (can’t vouch for whether it holds up), but then I got the book and could NOT get through it. Maybe one of the rare instances of the movie being better than the book?
I started it three years ago, stopped in the middle and haven’t finished it. So so boring. Maybe someday I’ll finish it… can’t bring myself to give it away yet.
I looooooved Possession. but i also tend to love any book that wins the booker prize — they tend to be kindof similar in style, haughtiness, etc. that is, i’m never very surprised to hear what the winner is. so maybe you’re just not a booker person? the orange prize for women (now being called the baileys prize, after baileys liquor, happily enough) could be a better place to look?
That’s very interesting, I never thought of the different prizes having different characters, but I haven’t been paying close enough attention, I think. I’ll go look at the Baileys winners!
I find it enjoyable overall but I always sink into this bored miasma when I read it. I’m not sure how that works. I do really, really love The Children’s Book, though.
I’m reading The Man with the Compound Eyes by Wu Ming-Li – it’s pretty wonderful so far!
I just started Station Eleven!
Station Eleven is my favorite book of the year, I think. I highly recommend reading the last 100 pages or so while on an airplane, that really enhanced things for me.
ooo I am taking a flight on Sunday night that will likely coincide with the last 100 pages, excellent synergy my friend.
A Christmas miracle!
I’m really surprised people are saying Station Eleven is one of the best of the year. I read it with my book club & none of us thought it was that great. For me, it was interesting but not special.
I just finished reading The Last Hour of Gann which was…an experience. It went from joke reading (sexy space lizard romance!) to actually kind of enjoying it, to hate reading. Then I made the mistake of reading a few things where the author responded to criticism of it and now I hate it even more.
Now I am just starting The Perks of Being a Wallflower for bookclub, which I only really associate with dramatic teenagers so I don’t know how much I’ll enjoy it. I think I’m going to buy a book from my Wishlist as a reward for getting through two unenjoyable books. I haven’t decided which one yet, though. Maybe The Last Unicorn?
I wasn’t all fired up about it either. I could appreciate why other people love it, but it was just Not For Me. Well, and, the sex scenes made me very uncomfortable, too. But it’s OK. This book will survive without my love.
I am going through a similar thing right now with Le Guin’s Left Hand of Darkness. It has so many things that seem right up my alley (a genderless society! alien encounter told from the alien’s perspective! thoughtful world-building!), but I have been hauling it around in my bag for weeks and doing anything on the T but read my book. I just can’t get into it, no matter how hard I try. So I traded out Le Guin for a new book this morning and I feel such relief!
I had a hard time with The Left Hand of Darkness, too. For the first third or so I was just confused by all the alien language I didn’t understand, and it seemed really plodding. I thought that last third, which traps two characters on a glacier for several months, was absolutely fantastic and worth it if you can push through. But the first part is definitely difficult.
I’m about half-way through and it just barely seems to be getting past the set-up to the meat of the plot. Maybe I will put it away for a little bit and come back to it when I’m patient enough to wait for the glacier to arrive.
No, please don’t! The end of it is so incredibly good it will make all the slow political stuff worth it, I promise!
I also didn’t like the Left Hand of Darkness and I feel HORRIBLE about it. I didn’t care for the characters and, maybe I am just expecting too much of a 30 year old book, but I was actually kind of disappointed in the gender stuff? It’s not fair to read it after reading Ancillary Justice and being like, “ugh why aren’t you using they or she pronouns, Ursula?” since Ancillary Justice obviously builds on LeGuin’s legacy and wouldn’t be possible without her writing, but it’s still how I feel.
I too am disappointed in the use of male pronouns for non-gendered people. There’s even a line or two from Ai about how using male pronouns is misleading, but it’s just some ineffective hand-waving at the end of the day. It is really is hard to imagine the characters as anything but male, even though I’m constantly straining to avoid that. Like you say, I can’t fault her for writing ahead of advocacy and use of non-gendered pronouns… but it’s a persistent enough irritant that I just can’t let go and be in the story.
I guess at least I have a strong example of why using male pronouns is not all that universal when used in real life. Silver linings?
I’m re-reading A Room of One’s Own (Virginia Woolf), also The Art of Loving (Erich Fromm), War Talk (Arundhati Roy), and I just finished A Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood).
I am reading Finding Beauty In A Broken World by Terry Tempest Williams which is so lovely and meditative and I’m learning A LOT about prairie dogs. I loved her other book, When Women Were Birds. It’s fabulous and you should read it.
I am still working my way through the Dear Canada books (almost done, unfortunately), but I have Amy Poehler’s book from the library along with the new No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency book, as well as The People Who Eat Darkness lined up for my holiday reading pleasure. I have it on good authority that my husband got me All The Light We Cannot See for Christmas and I am SO EXCITED to reread it because I FUCKING LOVE THAT BOOK. I can’t wait to recommend it to everyone I know, again.
I read that book and didn’t like it either. Everyone has the same name! Weird incest! Like, he has a beautiful writing style but I’m not really a fan of a lot of his books. I did read a good short story by him though.
Someone on here (who are you, brilliant stranger?) recommended The Golem and the Jinni a few weeks ago, and I stayed up until 3:30 am this morning finishing it. It was so good! But I’m pretty tired today so you know, beware! I also read Eleanor and Park recently and loved it.
The Latin American literary boom is anything but sexually enlightened. That said, Solitude is a masterpiece of magic realism, perhaps its epitome. Very different from Borges, which is more aligned Bioy Casares or even Horacio Quiroga. If you want an easier introduction, collected shirt stories by Cortazar would be better. What most of the world doesn’t realize is many crucial in Solitude events are actually historical, idk if that would help your focus in any way. I also have read none of these in English transalations, so don’t know how much has been lost in translation.
Hi! How is everyone this week? More importantly, how are you taking care of YOU as we head into what is likely the stressiest stress-ball time of the year?
Me, I’m just sitting in a quiet office because my boss is out, and I’m letting myself off the hook today. It’s been one hell of a fall/early winter for the organization and I have to get a huge grant together, but today is a day of rest. I will watch a webinar about the grant application and call it a day.
Were there ever any arrangements made for “Toast Secret Santa” that I missed? I know the topic had come up a few weeks ago.
I signed up for it, bought the stuff, boxed it up, and then SHAMEFULLY forgot to put it in the mail. *hands head*
I’ll be doing that tomorrow.
Edit: I just realized this wasn’t a very helpful response to your actual query. I saw a last call for participants on Twitter but UGH now I don’t remember whose Twitter.
Ah, I missed it, bummer!
Oh boo, same. I picked the wrong open threads to miss, I guess!
Happy Hanukkah ToastJews!
Tried to post The Chanukah Song and this is what happens:
<iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”//www.youtube.com/embed/8eB4PkCo4Lo” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>
Intensedebate is an anti-semite.
Maybe if *I* try, the result will be different!
<iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”//www.youtube.com/embed/8eB4PkCo4Lo” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>
Edit: nope. I bet IntenseDebate won’t allow iframes.
Happy Chanukah! Have we all listened to the Maccabeats’ song for this year, All About That Nes?
FUN FACT! In Israel, Nescafe is wildly popular, despite tasting like burnt ass (in my opinion). This, according to my Hebrew professor, is because “Nes” means “miracle” so it’s “Miracle coffee.” I don’t know if this is the actual reason, but damn, I drank a lot of Nescafe during my semester in Jerusalem.
Toasties, my wife and I, when it came time to go to bed last night, had just finished watching the 2nd to last episode of Broadchurch. Which means we stopped watching Broadchurch with only one episode left to watch. I do not know how we accomplished this, but we did. The show is gripping and beautifully shot, and I can’t imagine that remaking it on Fox made it any better so I don’t think I’ll be consuming that version.
Yesterday, Dear Leader Mallory favorited one of my tweets. I think I have won now? Yes? I think so.
We are going to see Big Hero 6 this weekend, finally. Any of you have exciting weekend plans?
Okay so I totally couldn’t get into Broadchurch, should I try? What other TV is there out there that is good?
I was reading this thread with increasing confusion because I was mixing up Broadchurch and Bletchley Circle, which is about SECRET WWII LADY CODEBREAKERS SOLVING MURDERS TOGETHER and is pretty much the best thing ever. So… watch that!
I honest to god stopped watching Broadchurch about two thirds through when I A) got a hunch as to who the killer was, B) googled to confirm that it was indeed my favorite character, and C) narrowly avoided throwing something at my laptop. Damn charismatic fictional characters.
The UK version was really good. I got four minutes into the American one was like “Why am I doing this to myself, again, without even David Tennant’s delicious accent to comfort me?”
My friend and his wife are having an ugly sweater/beer drinking/white elephant party tomorrow. Tonight I am going to see Nightcrawler by myself with a free movie ticket I got from work. Sunday will be drinking and Seahawks.
Huzzah!
Aren’t Marllory favorites the best? Still holding out hope for a RT in the future.
Mallory RT’d me once and my phone spent the next hour buzzing constantly, like it had a bee trapped in it.
It was amazing.
I just wanted to share that I am starting my thirteen-year-old self’s *dream job* in a week and a half. I get a five-day weekend for Christmas, then I get to go from being front-lines headset-wearing customer service at my company to being a Music Librarian. This is my first big girl job! Toasties, what did you do to treat yourself when you felt like you had *made it*? I bought myself some mid-end foundation finally and it is magic, but I really want to celebrate in a way I just couldn’t have in undergrad and then grad school.
I bought myself decent non-falling-apart boots and some new bike parts, IT WAS GREAT.
I bought boots with my first real paycheck too! For a while I called them my paycheck boots, but that seemed to have negative connotations.
I second (third?) boot shopping. I also bought a fancy point-and-shoot camera to take in travels.
Oh, and haircuts. Every accomplishment deserves a new haircut!
Ooo #TreatYoSelf is my area of expertise! Maybe buy yourself some flowers because you’re great! OR– find a bar w a nice wine list and a crowd that is likely to interact with you at your preferred level and get yourself a glass of red wine/ sparkling something/ bourbon on the rocks and toast to your DAMN self. Another trick is to take yourself to a vintage shop / outlet store / TJ Maxx and splurge on something that will be nice, but still not completely out of control on your budget.
I have not quite *made it* yet, but my favorite way to treat myself is with a luxurious facial. The kind where they blow steam at your face for twenty minutes and also give you a foot massage. It is transforming.
I bought BOOKS mostly for me but also very useful for my job. This included splurging on Oh Joy Sex Toy’s “first year of comics” book.
My plan for when I finally get another job is to take my best girl friends out for drinks and dinner at a mid-end Mexican place. Which, sure, is a bit “Hey Ladies” of me, but the place I plan to take them serves a literal bowl of melted cheese and calls it salsa, so I ultimately have no qualms.
I started watching the Supersizers Go… and I’m so happy.
I adore this show. “Gouty meat sack” has become an all purpose insult in my house. It’s just so British.
Oh, those are so delightful! My only problem is that I have watched them all already and they don’t seem to be making more of them.
I’m so into how well the two presenters get on without being a romantic item. FRIENDSHIP IS REAL, and it involves drunkenly peeing into a bucket during dinner while wearing period clothing.
Giles Coren is also apparently friends/brother-in-law with/to Alexander Armstrong – this week I watched an adorable programme they made about ‘The 12 Drinks of Christmas’. Their friendship dynamic was also real and nice to watch. And they called each other Zander and Giley.
In case comments screw up: this is for fictitious.
Also brother-in-law to David Mitchell, as his sister is Victoria Coren Mitchell!
Yes, it’s one big nerdy TV family!
That show is *fab* and I don’t care if they ran out of eras to cover, I want new episodes. They can just stuff Sue and Giles into random period costumes and feed them from tins left in student cupboards, that’d work for me.
Though some of the episodes make me never want to eat anything ever again.
It is such an awesome show. I love the episode where there is no tea and Sue Perkins goes a bit bonkers in her withdrawl.
Webcomic recommendations!
You should absolutely read Nimona. It’s beautiful, it’s brilliantly plotted, it’s funny, it’s charming.
I just finished catching up with Monster Pulse and I am so happy I did. It’s a story based comic around kids and monsters, and it is extremely smart and touching.
I think you should check out Perish the Thought. This comic is by a friend of mine. It started in October and I think it is turning out really well!
Another really enjoyable comic is The Creepy Casefiles of Margo Maloo. It takes a little bit of time for the plot to get going, so I would encourage you to tough it through the beginning before you give up on it. I think it’s worth it.
Okay! What else you got?
The only bad thing about Nimona is that it ends – in a perfect world, it would go on forever and ever.
I don’t know! I really like that thing about it. It’s a story with a satisfying conclusion.
I’m loving omgcheckplease.tumblr.com.
It’s finished now, but I loved The Less than Epic Adventures of TJ and Amal.
Been checking out Check Please on your suggestion. It’s really endearing!
The interface is sort of annoying but I suppose you can only do so well on tumblr.
Read more at http://the-toast.net/2014/12/19/open-thread-3/#dw…
Hotblood! is really fantastic if you’re into gay centaurs in the American old west (and who isn’t)? Also a friend of mine makes it. I like Octopus Pie for millennial relatable-ness.
TJ and Amal +one billion, amazing but n.b. it contains some dongs so maybe not at work!
Meaty Yogurt, a fun comic with a great art style and a fat protagonist
Girl Genius, an extremely long-running and brain-busting steampunk comic with amazing art (do not be put off by the generic name and the fact that Phil Foglio draws all women like they have crenshaw melons stapled to their torsos; this comic will blow your mind if you give it time)
I’m still reading and enjoying Questionable Content, even after lo these many years.
MARTEN! AND! CLAIRE!!!!!!! <3333
Me too! Also Girls With Slingshots.
Vattu. Sprawling post-colonial alien Roman empire feminist fantasy, if you like that sort of thing.
Oh, heck yes. Thanks for the reminder.
Read through Rice Boy back when it was the only game in town and I’ve been meaning to go back.
Taking my knitting along with me the last time I visited my parents was a godsend – I was working on a very simple pattern (honey cowl) so I just blasted pretty much the whole thing out. Good luck!
(ETA this is @sausagedog above)
I RAN 6 MILES IN ONE GO LAST WEEK! (Well, actually, I ran 2, took a break for a minute and then ran 4 more because the treadmill won’t let you do more than 60 minutes at once, but STILL.) I am super jazzed about my progress with running and am a little concerned I’m turning into one of those insufferable people who’s always talking about running, just about to go run, or just back from a run. But SIX MILES THOUGH. Have 7 to run this weekend. We’ll see how that goes. I’m optimistic.
Wedding planning is both good and the worst, but it’s moving along and the wedding is now less than 5 months away so it’s all starting to seem so real and so much more exciting and AAAAAAAA. So that’s fun.
Also, I managed to get through the anniversary of my friend’s death (which I mentioned in a prior comment thread), and actually had a lot of nice interactions with our group of other mutual friends who all check in on each other every year, which is good.
CONGRATULATIONS. On everything, but on the running in particular. I know how amazing that feels — it feels like such an accomplishment, especially if you are someone (like me) who was never much of an athlete.
Thanks! It has been pretty cool to see how far I’ve come. I realized at some point last week that in my training I have at least one 5K run per week, which is a distance that used to require quite a bit of training (and pain) for me. Now it’s like nothing!
10K was a huge milestone for me and my running. Once I hit that it felt like I could feasibly do a half-marathon and then, halfway through half training the lightbulb went on about the full marathon and well.
Anyway, good on you, that’s a huge accomplishment and you should be very very fucking proud of yourself.
Until this comment thread, it hadn’t actually occurred to me that 6 miles was just about a 10K, which was my next major distance goal anyway. That’s great! When I first started running and signing up for races, I thought I’d do a 5K, 8K, 10K, 10 miler, and then a half-marathon. I guess I’m doing them all on the way to the last one, though. Fun!
And thanks! Also, if you didn’t see it (because I was *way* late to the last Open Thread), your advice about having fuel/food with me at the treadmill has been great for my longer runs. Apple slices have been my choice so far, and I can definitely tell they’re helping. Still haven’t sought out/tried Gu, but I’m still considering it.
Oh good, I’m really glad to hear that 🙂 My coach swears by orange segments but if apples are working for you, go for it.
We are getting a new treadmill this weekend, thank heaven.
So this week I was finally brave enough to rock the gigantic square plaid scarf ( https://img1.etsystatic.com/034/0/5643247/il_570x… ) I bought last winter at Zara, and I love it so much I’ve repeated it for three days straight. It’s SO USEFUL, because when I’m sitting for a long period of time (I’ve been writing at coffee shops lately, mostly to keep myself on task and off The Toast), I can use it as a shawl/blanket.
I’ve been pairing it with solid color sweaters, skinny jeans (today I’m wearing red skinnies and a black v-neck sweater), black leather mid-calf boots, and giant earrings.
Toasties, have you lately taken any fashion risks?
(The girl in the picture is not me. I am significantly less blonde.)
It’s not much of a risk, but I am wearing an outfit today that I decided on after staring at all my clothes for ten minutes and finally saying “ugggggh fuck it” (a super-loose, comfy sweater with taupe and white stripes, which is ill-fitting because it is from the men’s department and I have big tits, and loose comfy brown jeans) and I’m a little afraid that it too clearly conveys the message “ugggggh fuck it, it’s rainy and Friday and if you leave me unsupervised for too long I’ll probably sneak home and nap.”
I just bought glittery teal eyeliner and am trying to work up the courage to actually wear it out of the house.
I was literally just at Ulta deciding between teal and copper. I went copper and now will procede to wear it around my apartment for a few days before I’m brave enough to wear it in public. (Even though it’s likely no one will notice/care)
Do it! Wear it to go run errands, or get coffee, or something else quick and then you’ll gain the confidence to rock it all day. Baby steps! (This is how I introduce all risky fashion into my wardrobe).
Ooooooh I just got a giant scarf like that (from noted underwear emporium aerie) and I wore it for the first time to go lie in the middle of the street and watch the meteor shower last weekend. It basically swaddled my whole face and I felt like the warmest, happiest turtle.
LOVE IT! And what a great thread idea! I love hearing and seeing people’s takes on fashion and their own style creations.
For 2015, to celebrate the new Mad Max movie (just thinking about it makes me giddy), I’m going to start incorporating even more military influence, but with a decided post-apocalyptic feel. I even joined Pinterest (yikes) to track my design ideas. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!
whenever I think of Mad Max fashion, I always think of fingerless gloves, so I fully support this.
(I love fingerless gloves, and I love convertible mittens even more).
Yes! And armwarmers! So sexy.
I hope to get some Drunk Sewing done over my holiday weekend and test-drive some of the altered clothing ideas I’ve pinned. If anyone has altered tee shirt tutorials, post them, pretty please. I’m especially looking for laddered-look stuff.
Waay back in the day, a friend of mine used to mod this LJ community, in which there are tons of tutorials. (LJ is always a bit clunky to look through, but it’s worth it.) http://t-shirt-surgery.livejournal.com/
Oh, thank you! I’m among the last few gasping die-hards on LJ, so this is perfect.
High-five from one LJ die-hard to another!
I was gifted a beautiful silk scarf last year so I’ve been trying to incorporate it into my wardrobe. Then I bought another one in attempt to become chic silk scarf woman. However, I’m having a hard time finding ways to tie it that don’t skew too older lady. Any chic silk scarf women out there who want to help me?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeUQaKU8u3c
I am particularly fond of the second and third method in this video.
(Be warned, youtube scarf tutorials are strangely addictive)
I have been trying to find fabric to make myself that scarf for the last 2 weeks. Why doesn’t anywhere carry plaid shirting that isn’t christmas-y????
I am just going to leave this here… http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HVRAPV4/ref=o…
I am spending the holidays with Mr Polka Stripes’s family for the first time and I am greatly looking forward to it. I will apparently be a recipient of New Pajamas and have been assigned the Guest Stocking, although I had my mom ship one of my ones from home so I will have my own/a little bit of home with me. But I am honored to be included in the pajama tradition!
Tell me your best/worst stories of doing holidays with someone else’s family for the first time?
New holiday pajamas! That’s a tradition in my family, too! This will be my first year missing out on it, and I’m more than a little bummed out about it.
Best holiday celebration with someone else’s family: My future father in-law is Polish, and they still observe some Polish holiday traditions, including “The Star” (the first star on Christmas Eve) being the one to bring the presents (rather than Santa), leaving a vacant spot at the Christmas dinner table for an “unexpected guest,” in case it is Jesus in disguise, and the breaking of the oplatek, which is like a large, rectangular communion wafer. Everyone takes a piece, and exchanges small pieces with each other, along with good wishes toward each other.
The first time I spent an xmas with my ex who was the oldest of seven, I had to escape down to their basement and put my head under a desk. It was horrible. From then on, we drove separately so I could leave early. Thank god they lived in town.
My boyfriend’s family only spends Christmas with a small group and I still have to tell him that I’m going to drive separately or make him leave early. Nice people, but their house is so loud.
Guysssss I had a rough Wednesday. So I wrote this article about Cards Against Humanity (http://www.dailydot.com/opinion/cards-against-humanity-problems/) mainly touching on its questionable humor. I tried to be really even handed and not just needlessly bashing it, but yeah, I bring up a lot of issues. I was proud of it, and definitely expected some blowback from people who are obsessed with the game.
I was totally not prepared for the fight that’d go down on my Facebook page. Basically, two white guys who I consider really good friends started arguing with other friends of mine who commented in support of my piece/against CAH. It was awful, and they were writing in ways that made it clear they just didn’t understand things like privilege and racism and such . Like seriously, one of them pulled a “sorry I’m white.” But then, all of the people who were on “my” side were just bashing them like “lol okay white boy” and emailing me like “ugh who are these asshole dudebro randos,” when these are very close and dear people to me.
I can’t tell if my feelings are just hurt or if it just really illustrated to me how much FB arguing accomplishes nothing. Like yes, a lot of my friends were calling these guys out on their shitty behavior, but it wasn’t done with any care and wound up just putting them on the defensive. I’ve had minor successes talking to them in person about stuff like this, and it just feels like a setback that lots of people are gonna claim as a victory for the social justice warriors.
Ugh okay this comment is a mess. It’s just hard when your friends can be assholes but are your friends nonetheless. These guys are worthy to me, even if I know they’re wrong.
Oh no, that is way too many nasty discoveries at once.
Ugh I’m sorry, that sounds really stressful. I think people forget that arguing on Facebook is different than arguing in comment sections (another useless activity) because there are people someone actually knows and cares about involved. I have made this mistake unfortunately, but now I’m much more careful not to take a hostile tone in FB comments unless I see that the original poster is too. A word to your friends about this may help– it did for me. And yeah, totally with you on the ‘arguing on Facebook accomplishes nothing’ thing. I keep hearing that we’re supposed to engage rather than defriend racists etc, but when I argue on Facebook I just find myself sucked down into a quagmire of useless misery, and I do not believe I have ever changed a heart or mind while doing so.
Your piece is fantastic by the way!
Thank you! And yes, like, I want to engage and have these discussions, but I try to find ways to do it where it’s a bit more guaranteed to be productive. I didn’t comment, because I stood by my article, and feel like a lot of the things they were arguing about were addressed in it. If it comes up in person I’m happy to explain, but Facebook seems to devolve into name calling so fast.
I think people forget that arguing on Facebook is different than arguing in comment sections (another useless activity) because there are people someone actually knows and cares about involved.
So much yes to this. Arguing in comments sections is like getting into fights with random strangers on the street. Arguing in Facebook threads is like going to a friend’s living room and picking a fight with that person’s other friend while your host looks on helplessly. There’s a whole added dimension of Bad Guest Behavior involved. But it’s on the internet, so people forget it’s not the same as a news site or whatever.
1) I really liked that piece. I’ve only played CAH a couple times but never really enjoyed it and you articulated a lot of my problems with it.
2) I HAAAAATE “lol ok white boy” type facebook responses. Entirely useless, entirely unhelpful to the “feminists are not humorless man hating harpies!” cause, does not add anything to the conversation OR change minds, totally dismissive….I could go on. I’m sorry you had to navigate that. I’d also suggest talking to your SJ-type friends, and hopefully things with your guy friends can be smoothed over?
Okay, so I just read the article, and it’s great. Not that I expected otherwise, but it’s nuanced and thorough and doesn’t dismiss anyone’s perspectives. I hope that, once your friends get over the shock of being told that they’re doing something wrong, they can take it to heart.
Jaya you just need to “widen your prospective.”
Great piece.
That article was great! I’m sorry your Facebook became a mess over it. CAH bugs me because people act like they’re Lenny Bruce for matching column A to column B and then get so smug about it.
Great piece. I was peer pressured into playing CAH last night at a friend’s thing. I generally avoid it because of the gross-out humor aspect, which I hate, but as we were playing I noticed a lot of the casually racist/misogynist/ableist stuff you pointed out (but didn’t bring it up, since I didn’t feel like being a killjoy).
Hey, you wrote that article!? I loved it and I didn’t even notice someone I “know” wrote it.
I have a lot of facebook conversations, often productive, and I have found that making it really clear to everyone involved, publicly, that you value everyone involved in the conversation as a person is a really helpful way to keep the level of discourse up. For example:
[post article]
Person 1: [racism isn’t real, adjacent horrible opinions]
Person 2: [dismissive response]
You: Person 1, I’m really disappointed to hear you say that. I value your friendship a lot and I disagree because [x y and z]. Person 2, I understand where you’re coming from but I would appreciate if you could please speak more respectfully with my friends on my facebook. Thanks!
(and then maybe a private message to Person 2 being like, “ugh, I know Person 1 can be real annoying sometimes, but I know them from [place] and they are an important friend to me. I feel like I’ve been able to move them on this issue, so I’m trying to help them not feel attacked — if that’s not a way you want to engage with them I totally understand! But I’d prefer if, on my facebook wall, you didn’t talk to them like that, even though I totally understand how you feel.”)
But as logicbutton said, that is way too many bad things to find out about people at once; sorry you are dealing with it.
Also once some people got in a huge fight about vaccines on my wall while I was asleep, and it was mostly because one person with the correct, pro-vaccine opinion, said something incredibly condescending that appealed to exactly the wrong notes (“trust me, I’m in a medicalized profession and deserve your respect!” but smugger) and it was horrible and I still don’t post about vaccines, even though I post about everything else and one of the angriest people unfriended me already.
I like lilsebastian’s respectful refereeing approach, especially since I’ve been thrown to the wolves a few times just for asking a question I couldn’t easily search online. Some people I follow make every effort to accommodate MRAs and all flavors of the opinionated rainbow, but once they’ve had it they block and move on. Anyone willing to listen and learn (not necessarily convert) is welcome, which is as it should be.
Track track track that period! (it kind of sounds like you’re doing this already). I use the Clue app, it suits my needs. Then when you are emotional you know why and it seems less like ‘oh my god I am unhappy and will be unhappy FOREVER.’
Also, evening primrose oil during PMS worked wonders for me.
ETA: supposed to be in the hormones thread!
It was pretty fun and inspiring to see this out of context though.
Clue is the best!!! one of my favorite things about it is that absolutely NOTHING is pink.
I replied upthread that I do track that period! FAM is my birth control method (don’t laugh – I’m neurotic and it works for me!).
but side-note – EPO doesn’t work for everyone, and for my PCOS it actually made my cycles awful and my moods horrible. meh – YMMV I guess, like with everything else.
I’m so stressed about holiday travel. I’m desperate to get home and visit since Thanksgiving was upended this year due to a family emergency. But I have to work on Christmas eve, and then I have to rush from the office to the airport for a flight with a layover. Last year my Christmas travel got heinously fucked up and I spent like 18 hours in the airport on standby before shelling out a ton of money to get on another flight. What are your suggestions for making sure that definitely doesn’t happen again?
Be early, be kind to TSA people and gate agents who have very little control over whether you get home or not, and recognize that when you fly you have almost no control over when you get home. That last one is the tough one.
Aside from making sure all your flights are with one airline so you don’t end up paying if you miss your connecting flight because the first is delayed, there’s not a whole lot you can do in general. Sometimes there are workarounds for particular airports, like my local one often has morning flights cancelled due to fog so if you want to make sure you get out you book with the airline that overnights at this airport rather than the one that comes in from elsewhere then leaves (since planes can take off but not land in fog). That won’t help you with snow or freezing rain, though.
Hi! Holiday travel is mad stressful, I feel you. So here’s some tips for future booking of travel: fly nonstop if you can, or fewer stops. If you’re nervous about missing connections, go for longer layovers, and definitely greater than 90 minutes. If you miss a connecting flight due to a delay and you had a reasonable connection time, most airlines will work very hard to make sure they can get you on the next flight, where if you had a very short connection you’re more likely to end up needing to pay a fee.
For getting to the airport: if you can, take a taxi. It’s faster than public transit or having to park, and it is significantly less stressful. Be as kind as possible to everyone at the airport if something does go wrong. Airline employees may have some discretion over how they rebook passengers and you definitely want them to think kindly of you. Oh, and avoid checking a bag if possible, that should save you some time and keeping your baggage in your control means it’s much harder to lose, and if you’re stuck in the airport for longer you’ll have something to do. And again, the best thing really is to be at the airport as early as possible, and check in online in advance. Good luck!
1. My birth father called this week. We hardly ever talk on the phone, we just email, and it was nice. He totally surprised me, in a good way.
2. I am now COMPLETELY done with grad school. My Master’s degree will be mailed to me at some point. People keep asking what I’ll do now and I’m like SAME OLD.
3. idk why but my kids have somehow acquired four toy Nativity sets and I don’t even have one real one.
When I finished my MA I didn’t walk in convocation or anything, I just had it mailed to me, and everyone was like “OMG aren’t you EXCITED????” and I was like…..you know, it wasn’t a feeling of EXCITEMENT so much as mixed relief, pride, and a sort of low-grade happiness in a hard job well done. For some reason everyone was like “Aren’t you going to PARTY?!?!” and it wasn’t like that at all.
yeah, that’s kind of how I feel. Undergrad commencement (from this same school) was a BFD, of course, but I’m in my 30s now? I already miss my classmates, though. I was commuting to the school so it’s not like we can hang all the time.
What a week! It was exciting but bittersweet.
Bad stuffs: We had the death of a beloved former coworker the same time that we were marking two years since another coworker took his own life. Both were so fabulous while they were with us that I almost can’t be sad, just glad that I knew them. Plus I probably have an ear infection.
Good stuffs: A first date with the finest man I have ever even spoken to. I have no idea why he wants to see me again because he is too hot to even exist but we are having drinks tomorrow. Plus second date with the cutie I mentioned last week and we TOTALLY SMOOCHED. And now I really want to move past smooching if you know what I mean but I won’t be able to schedule another date for two more weeks because holidays, and by that time I’ll be on my period, UGH. I just want to furnish my temptress’ lair with shy bespectacled men, why must life get in the way.
That super hot dude? He wants to see you again because you’re beyond rad. He is damn lucky to get a second date!
I just want to furnish my temptress’ lair with shy bespectacled men
yes ma’am
Temptress’ lair yessss. I’ve taken to mentally referring to my bedroom as “the inner sanctum”. Can we have a thread about the perils and joys of the dating world? I’m preparing myself to ease back into it, and I’m a little trepidatious.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR HOT DATES BET YOU’RE A HOTTIE TOO YAY!!!
We can definitely have a dating thread! In fact, you’re looking at it!
see what I did there
How do you plan to do “the dating thing”? Online? Real life? How do you even meet people in real life? I’ve dated guys I met in train stations and coffee shops, but it’s rare.
I have found no one worth talking to on Tinder, due mostly, I imagine, to a reluctance to waste my time with anyone who doesn’t impress me right off the bat. I’ve fared a bit better on OKCupid. Met a cute guy through that this summer, and we dated for a few months and it was super pleasant! Good sex, good conversation; he talked a little much for my tastes but was generally a good dude. Having positive, healthy feelings for a guy was all new to me. I’m used to SUPER TOXIC INTENSE RELATIONSHIPS that crash and burn. Then he did something sexually that triggered a lot of bad stuff from a past relationship (don’t introduce BDSM things without SO MUCH CONVERSATION before, guys). It wigged me out (I had nightmares) but I didn’t say anything, and I spent several weeks trying to meet up with him so I could talk about things, but right at that time he got super uncommunicative and hard to reach. Finally we hashed things out over FB message, he apologized, and we parted ways amicably.
By that time I’d met the most amazing girl, again through OKC! So there are good people out there on dating sites. I am soooo into her. I told her how I felt about a month into knowing her and she said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me yet, so I’m just waiting now.
I do all my dating online (right now, just OkCupid). Because I like to shop around and do a lot of research before I make a decision on something.
Laughed aloud at “TOTALLY SMOOCHED” because it was so damned cute. Congrats on your kickass dates!!
“Smooch” is my favorite word right now. Last week it was “bloviate.”
Also I’m starting to look at other jobs because there’s some major uncertainty in the future where I work now. And yesterday I saw the PERFECT job listing– it’s exactly the same description as my current job, but for an organization that advocates for a niche issue that I’m really passionate about. But they want a few more years of experience than I have right now. I’m toying with the idea of applying anyway. Has anyone ever done that?
Do it.
You should apply! I keep seeing comments everywhere that women see job postings as “everything on this list is an absolute requirement” while men see them as “these are mostly nice-to-haves” and so hiring managers see a lot of resumes from less-qualified men and hardly any from women (and those are often over-qualified). You should absolutely buck this trend, especially since as a manager myself I know that “X years of experience” is often used as shorthand for “you should know your stuff”.
Do it!
Hey so, I’m in my entry-level job, but I have now been on the “hiring/interviewing” end of that process, so:
Companies don’t post jobs thinking that they’ll get someone with ALL the listed qualifications. You should definitely apply. Maybe you won’t be lucky, and they’ll consider the lack of experience a dealbreaker, but if they don’t and you get through to an interview, it kind of wipes the slate and they start judging just on the interview performance. Plus, at the interview, you can address the lack of experience if they bring it up, and spin it into a positive– “I’ve been in the industry only X years, but I’m a fast learner and passionate enough about it that I want to take my involvement to the next level” and so on.
tl;dr: APPLY! Worst that can happen is you get rejected.
Yes yes yes do this. Years of experience is utter garbage, if you can say you did all the stuff they expect of you and mastered it in far less time. That is entirely a hire-able quality.
APPLY APPLY APPLY APPLY
Do it! I did the exact same thing and now I have the job, real-life proof that a lot of the stuff in job listings is kinda sorta bullshit.
Seconded.
I just did it, because my recruiter told me to . I didn’t actually get an interview for that one, but that’s ok! And actually it makes the rejection hurt way less, because hey, I was WAY junior for the job, and so it makes sense that this wasn’t my time.
That must have been really stressful for you! I have had similar feelings about CAH so I’m gonna go read your article. First I thought I’d drop the link, because I think it might be broken in your post: http://www.dailydot.com/opinion/cards-against-hum…
Thanks for fixing the link! I’ve been feeling weird about the game and definitely want to check out the article. We played CAH with my family a couple of weeks ago, and I found myself hiding several cards at the bottom of the deck because I found them not at all funny and more than just “ha-ha that’s gross” offensive.
Haven’t read the article yet, but my friends and I do the same thing – we play the free printable version of the game, and we trashed about half the cards before even starting. (We do the same thing with Apples to Apples, which is basically the family-friendly version of CAH, because sometimes cards are just not fun to play (September 11, what, who put that in there) and sometimes they’ve gotten way less fun since the game came out (Bill Cosby)).
Measha Brueggergosman performed in my north of nowhere little town last night. She is lovely and funny and has such a powerful and expressive voice. If ever you get the chance to hear her, give yourself that gift. Her performance of ‘O Holy Night’ nearly blew the roof off and brought tears to the eyes of this cranky curmudgeon 🙂
Omg I LOVE her.
Dear Toasties who are/were in long distance relationships: I would love to hear your stories. Happy endings not required.
That sounded dirty.
I’ve never thought I would get myself into a LDR but here I am, in love (with a boy! Ewwww) and trying not to despair. Welp.
I was right there with you. No LDRs, not ever. And then I fell in love with a guy in college and we graduated and moved to different cities.
We did the LDR thing for a few months, but we started growing apart. We were both starting new lives and careers, and it was hard to figure out where we fit in each other’s lives.
So after about 6 months we broke up. And we both started dating other people, but we kept in touch in a friends way. Mostly through online games. And eventually I realized that all these other guys I was dating were just not as good as him and he, thankfully, came to the same conclusion and we decided to give it another go.
We got back together and were long distance for another year before I managed to find a job in his city. We’re married now.
It’s hard, and it requires a lot of communication. And sometimes I think you need to take a step back and make sure it’s what you want. But if you both want it to work out, you will find a way to make it work.
I definitely recommend something like words with friends or another ongoing online game. Something to keep the thread going when it seems like you have nothing left to talk about.
And sometimes I think you need to take a step back and make sure it’s what you want.
This. So much this. Last night I had a mini meltdown because reasons (I’m approaching quarter-life crisis and FOMO is hitting me HARD). My conclusion is that I’m an indecisive wimp that will never be 100% sure of her choices, but for now yes, this is what I want.
I’m so glad things worked for both of you <3
Heh, we used to play words with friends but I won EVERY SINGLE TIME and it wasn’t fun anymore, so we switched to draw something. I also love sending graphic emoji porn and silly random pictures when I have nothing to say. Just to show I’m here, and I’m thinking of him.
Hmm, I was together with a dude for 2 years and it was pretty epic love. then I graduated from grad school and I moved across the country for a job, and he was supposed to follow about a year later when he was done with his program. Without going into details, it fell apart because we treated it like we caught a delicious fish, threw it on ice, and expected it to taste just as fresh after sitting on ice for a long time. We didn’t continue to grow during that period, and when he finally moved out to be with me, it was just not the same. So I guess my advice is to make sure you’re not holding onto it over time based on a really incredible month or weekend or even a year that you hope to recreate when you’re finally together. Make sure you want what you have in the present, every time you see him.
This is scary, because we have CRAZY times when we’re together. Lots of traveling and hot sexytimes. I really hope I’m not holding onto this, I know “real life” won’t work like that — and I don’t think I am, at least not consciously. I get excited about silly stuff like buying furniture and getting a puppy with him in the future, which I hope is a good sign!
I am mostly an LDR failure (one college–>graduate school for me and job for hir failed several years ago; one currently circling the drain like a clump of dirty hair), but, hey, maybe that means I have some insight to what would have helped!
I think that one of the important things, if not the most important things, is having an end date, or at least having a plan for determining an end date. There has got to be something you are both working towards, and preferably a somewhere, if you are trying to stay committed to each other and to the future of the relationship.
I think one of the hardest things for me, and probably for many other Toast-minded individuals, is that a relationship goal is letting each other have independence, and not forcing decisions on each other. However, to bring about the end of long distance, MAJOR COMPROMISE is required (unless everyone finds dream jobs in a mutually pleasing locale, which, obviously is fantastic). So it can be difficult when figuring out an LDR requires at least a bit of abandonment of what was previously very important in making sure each person felt respected and valued.
Just one piece I think is important, and certainly let me know if you have any questions about any of that or comments!
I completely agree that what makes it work (in my mind, at least) is having an end date.
I guess what gives me the most hope in this relationship is that he was willing from the start to make the Big Compromise. His company has a branch in my country (which is how we met, but I don’t work there anymore) and he’s trying for relocation. We still don’t have a date, but the wheels are in motion, and that’s such a relief.
I do worry about him having to compromise – it seems so selfish to stay put while he leaves his life behind! But we talk about this A LOT. We’re very different people, he’s not attached to his family like I am, and he loves my country. My biggest concern is things not working out between us and him being stuck here, but in the end, he is his own man and it’s not up to me to question his decisions. He’s in peace with it and I… will try to be 🙂
I just want it to happen already!
When I met my now-husband, we were in the same state but about 6 or 7 hours apart (god love Texas). We were long-distance for almost two years before I moved, both for a job and to be near him. We mostly kept in touch by email and gchat, visits whenever I could, and we’d also meet in the middle every few weeks, so I wasn’t the only one driving. We’d watch TV shows together on Netflix and that was most of our “dates” when we couldn’t see each other in person. It sucked, but we made it.
There is something weirdly comforting about Netflix dates. We share an account, which makes it feel… official somehow?
I just need to remind myself to go out and have some fun with friends every now and then, instead of spending my weekends watching Frasier with him.
Mine has just got Netflix and given me his password, and we are watching American Horror Story together and texting through it to alleviate the terror!
I am a confirmed spinster who has never wanted ‘a boyfriend’ (in the abstract, although not averse to individual ones if they convince me), and even more so after my 10 year relationship ended.
Really didn’t want to end up in a LDR.
He lives 300 miles away and he snuck up on me without me noticing, we were meant to be friends who hooked up at gigs when we were in the same vicinity. That was 3.5 years ago and his mother writes christmas cards to us and his dog…
I do step back on a regular basis and think ‘is this what I want’ and annoyingly it is. It’s a pain, we miss each other, but neither of us want to stop.
The thing about LDRs is that they can really extend the NRE (New Relationship Energy aka “Honeymoon”) phase of the relationship. Because you only see each other occasionally, when you do, you get that same happy rush of hormones and chemicals that can make you forget all of the problems that exist otherwise.
Another hurdle I have found is that you often avoid serious conversations – you don’t want to have them on the phone, but then you don’t want to ruin your time together by talking about stuff that is hard. Try to be mindful of this and find a way to tackle stuff that works for both of you.
Yeah, I feel your first paragraph. I loved my LDR because I’m a really lazy/selfish dater. I could do my own thing and talk to him at the end of the day, when we got together every few months it was great, etc but at the end of the day it probably went on a bit longer than it should have because of the extended NRE phase.
Preach! I’ve been fucked by the honeymoon period before and try to be aware, but them hormones are sneaky.
He’s great when dealing with serious talks, and it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. This is my first “grown up” relationship and I’m having some unexpected feels. I think I’m not dealing so well with it though, often getting overemotional and bringing things up at the wrong time, so your advice is very timely. Thank you 🙂
a few disorganized thoughts, from my experience:
1. now that we live together, it is very weird not feeling that excitement/sexyness/wooooo I get to SEE YOU! feeling. that’s not a bad thing, just a big adjustment!
2. it is super important to have some physical non-internet things. not to be curmudgeonly about all the technology that makes LDRs bearable in the first place, but oh man it was always a great feeling just glancing at my bookshelf and seeing a book he gave me. like an “I love you” he didn’t need to be awake or online for.
3. people ask the weirdest questions! mostly when they assume they know how the long distance thing will end. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me “so when are you moving back to [city I never intended to move back to]?”…
4. if you can, i recommend planning a vacation solo or with friends. I didn’t realize how much it sucked having all my travel time/money tied up in seeing him until I did a weekend trip alone/visiting non-mutual friends, and it was like…oh yeah, I forgot how fun that is!
Weirdly enough, I look forward to that adjustment. All the excitement when we get to see each other is great, but I’m a boring person who likes routine. I can’t wait for “real life”, as we call it. I want to pick wall paint colors and plant tomatoes!
Number 2. So much number 2!
I have a small drawer on my nightstand that I semi-jokingly call “The Shrine”. It has stuff that he gave me, we bought together, or I stole from him (that hat looks much better on me!). I use a locket (my goodness, a LOCKET) with pictures of us at work to look at when I want to kill everybody. These little tangible things help me not to lose my mind.
Oh, and I sent him a letter on our anniversary. I’m obviously stuck in the 19th century.
We’re actually taking a vacation on my birthday next month! I’m soooooo excited about it, my friends probably can’t stand me anymore by now.
a locket!!! <3
I can’t speak to relationships that start out as LDR, but I think there can be value in distance in a young relationship.
My fiance and I fell in love in college. After four years of non-LDR we went different places to pursue our grad school dreams, and we’re currently in the fourth (and last) year of distance before getting married and being in the same place. Being able to see the end is really helpful, although the goalposts have moved — originally, we were going to do no more than three years.
It sucks a lot sometimes, but looking back the distance has allowed me to become my own adult person in a way I wasn’t while we were together. My mom once told me that every woman should live by herself at some point, and I wouldn’t have done that if we hadn’t been apart — and I do think it has helped me. I’m a better advocate of myself, I’m a better friend, and I’m a better partner because I had some space to grow into my own adulthood, instead of always shaping myself as part of an adult couple.
That Longread article on 2 Black lady blues singers in the pre war era is what I did this morning and it is PERFECT– the Toast should have a whole day of posts on it for every reason, but most probably this sentence: “”you cant tell the story of the early blues without the lesbians”. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/04/13/mag…
Additionally, I was just told to smile by 3 old white men on the way back from the bathroom and I cant eye roll hard enough — I OWE YOU NOTHING YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ENJOY MY BODY.
I absolutely loved that article. Everyone should read it. And listen to it.
I decided to just go ahead and listen to all of Serial this week so I could finally understand the entire internet and my RL friends again. It was okay, about what I was expecting. I started assuming about halfway through that there had been some kind of temporary dimensional break on the day of the murder and everybody involved was telling the truth but those truths don’t match up because they all took place in separate parallel universes, and that took a lot of suspense out of it.
It has been a long long month and half here. I’ve had some minor suckitude but it seems like all my loved ones are going through major stuff right now. I’m trying to ring theory and keep supporting them and bitching to not them but I’m at my limit and I can feel myself become the worst version of myself which will be completely not helpful. Toast friends, how do you support people who want and need your support when you’re just out of support to give?
Sigh, I feel this. I also feel like this has to be a pretty common theme for all of us here at the end of this Year of Garbage.
What’s helped me with this, recently, is opening up about my stuff to an outlet. I know, I know, that shouldn’t be as radical a revelation as it felt to me, but saying out loud (/ranting out loudly) some things that I’d been patiently keeping inside while listening and supporting others felt SO FANTASTIC. And it then allowed me to return to being Listening/Counseling Thescelosaurus to all the people who use/need me for that purpose.
I think, to that end, having some compartmentalization, if possible, can be really helpful. For example, where I used to live, the volunteer group I worked with met up every month, and so that was where we all vented about rape culture and systemic misogyny and racism. Then, perhaps another Person, who can serve as an emotional sounding board about all the frustration related to your career stuff. And an online group to talk about feeling like a bad friend for shutting down emotionally when people need you (hi, Toast!). That way, you don’t have to add feeling guilty about piling on all of your stuff onto someone else onto your plate, but you are getting a very real chance to take care of yourself, a bit.
Also, depending on what the stuff is the other people are dealing with, doing self care together. So, watching a fluff movie with someone who is coming to you for support, or just other activities that do give them aid, but also allow you to not be the sole provider of that support.
Oh, I think that’s why I’m so crabby- my usual outlets are the ones who I’m supposed to be supporting right now. Huh. It’s weird how when I’m stressed and in a terrible mood the most obvious things just don’t occur to me. Thanks!
Second dog!! Second dog! Added a sweet fatty corgi mix to our menagerie, as our anxious spaniel mix has been down since moving out of Brooklyn (we were like characters in ‘These are the people in your neighborhood’ walking around the old ‘hood, and she misses her people and familiar dog friends something fierce). I wish I knew anything about posting photos currently located on my phone, ’cause the new girl has stubby little legs and no tail. And she’s scared of our cats, which is ideal for our touchy resident feline assholes.
Also received an xmas card from my narcissistic father-in-law, which I’m pretty sure was telling us to get with the babymaking already. We were told to “delight in each other” this holiday season (hork!), and to remember that “unto you a child is born.” Eww. Ewww. Ewwwwwwww.
a) omggggggggggggg doggies
b) Eww! Good lord.
Right? Such an inappropriate weirdo.
I can post her petfinder link! Better than nothing, although the pics of Gertie (formerly Patti) and Leela together are much cuter.
https://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/30404418/
what a little sweetheart!
She’s so beautiful!
What a love! That belly!
We got a corgi to be a companion to our lab/pit mix and maybe try to calm him down. It… did not work ha. Now we have two crazy dogs (she got all his bad habits). She is also a huge grump.
To post photos here you’ll need to host them someplace, like imgur or instagram, or even dropbox. Someplace you are able to get an html link to the image.
Thanks! I hope someday soon to have a good brain day and get that shit done. These dogs are ridiculous and should belong to the world, visually-speaking.
Fantastic! Every dog needs a canine companion. A dog should never be alone. Pack animals, you know. Good work, getting a second dog!
Okay, first topic for the thread (startin’ off easy). This is my last day of work at my delightful job before a two week break! Huzzah! And I get to come back after! The employment gods are smiling today. Getting ready to go home for the holidays, and I want to know, Toasties, what are you planning on cooking??? I have a very elaborate spreadsheet in the works…
GONNA BAKE A YULE LOG HELL YEAH
Toasties! I have a New Boyfriend-in-conjunction with holidays question. I am bringing New Boyfriend to my family’s place for the weekend, and we’re doing Christmasy stuff and I’m very excited about it. I’m very close with my family, holidays are usually low stress and high enjoyment with lots of eating and drinking and playing stupid party games. Boyfriend was basically raised by wolves and is very worried/nervous about the whole family thing (he’s met my family once before, and doesn’t know them well).
I’m trying to be empathetic and understanding of his Family Stuff, but am not quite sure how to handle it since my general reaction is: “but my family is… nice? And won’t say mean things to you? And they generally think you’re nice and are happy that I’m happy?”
So my compromise is that we’re going to stay in a hotel instead of my parents’ house, but if anyone has other ideas for not being an insensitive Jerk Girlfriend (but still getting to enjoy the holiday myself, because come on) I’d be delighted to hear them.
I think staying in a hotel is a good idea under any circumstances. Maybe be sure to talk to your family beforehand to let them know he’s nervous? And maybe make it plain to everyone (family and BF) that if necessary, he’s welcome to escape back to the hotel without you for some alone time?
I did some prep-work with family, but should definitely remind Boyfriend that he can escape as and when he needs to, and will come up with some kind of subtle signal or… something.
Yeah, my primary advice would be to make it super explicit to everyone in your family that he doesn’t dislike them and isn’t trying to be rude, it’s just how he is. Your family sounds like mine and I know that if I brought home someone who was very withdrawn and didn’t explain it, my dad would end up teasing him for it and everyone would end up a little hurt. Just let them know that you’ve given him permission to go off on his own and that it isn’t personal.
This has my hackles waaaay up. I am just like your boyfriend. The idea of a weekend with noisy people I don’t know well and drinking and party games fills me with dread. You’ll have lots more holidays with your family. Let this holiday be about your boyfriend’s comfort. I think the single most important thing you can do is be on team him. Make a plan about when you’re going to leave and/or work out a signal for when he’s ready to go. If he is like me he will be trying to put his best face forward and when he says he wants to go he actually means “I’ve wanted to leave for the last hour but now I really really need to go.” Also when you announce that you’re leaving please please say “It’s time for us to go” and not “Boyfriend is a wet blanket and is making me leave.”
THE SIGNAL. This is so important to us socially anxious folks.
“Lots of eating and drinking and playing stupid party games” with family got my palms sweaty just thinking of it. It is definitely not my idea of low stress and high enjoyment holidays, just remember YMMV and his feelings, albeit weird to you, are valid. I think the hotel is a good start and hopefully will take some of the edge off him already. Warn him beforehand of any particular loudmouth relatives that could make him uncomfortable, and let him escape if it becomes too much for him, in a way that doesn’t make him feel worse.
The Signal! Such a good idea, I will talk about it with him. And also an excellent reminder for our Exit Strategy. Thank you 🙂
How familiar is he with the area you’ll be staying? If he can get around on his own, solo errands are a good out. Send him out to pick up milk or wine or a very specific medicine for his headache that will mysteriously arise. Or “forget” things at the hotel that you need him (and ONLY him) to get for you. He will be the hero for doing this and letting you spend more time with the family.
This is an excellent idea, and exactly what I would want as a person similar to the boyfriend.
Not familiar at all, but I can always hide a bottle of wine in the car and then he can wander off and back again without actually having to locate said wine (too convoluted? Nah).
As a fellow raised-by-wolves person who married into a family that is happy-to-all-consuming levels when they’re together, make sure that your family doesn’t read his nervousness/need for time to himself/feeling uncomfortable in family situations is a Slight on Them And Their Awesome Ways.
Also, don’t automatically prioritize every thing that your family does over any traditions that he wants/needs, or gratuitously insult his family’s ways of doing things and automatically assume that what your family does must be better because you’re the nice, good people and his family are not. (I don’t think you’re necessarily going to do this, but I am speaking from experience and a few fights with my husband here.) I realized that I was really unhappy at family gatherings because, while I like 95% of what my in-laws do, there are a few songs at major holidays that weren’t in their repertoire that I needed to feel whole. So I taught them the songs, and now they request me to lead them, and it’s really helped.
(I’m posting this as a sock because this is still top secret!)
So Toasties, I’m 7 weeks pregnant! Ahhh. And this was a very much planned and wanted pregnancy, but I’m struggling with feeling a lot of ambivalence about the whole thing. Sigh. And worse, I’m beating myself up for feeling that way. My husband is just SO excited, and every time he tells me how excited he is, I just feel worse. I think part of it is the nausea and exhaustion I’m feeling, but also I have this habit of feeling kind of meh whenever I’m worried about change (moving in with someone, getting married, etc). Has anyone else felt this way and managed to still be a good mother? 🙁
Oh my goodness, probably everybody? I think what you’re feeling is so, so normal, especially at 7 weeks when you’re feeling like garbage. It’s a big life change! Let yourself feel what you feel. You’ll love the little munchkin and be a great mom. And speaking as someone who is 30 weeks along with a second, totally unplanned pregnancy… gestation takes awhile. I was in total denial my first trimester. Now I am actually looking forward to meeting this little squirmy monster who is going to re-explode our lives.
So, I find when I’m feeling kinda meh or ambivalent in the face of something that’s supposed to prompt extreme emotions, it’s because I’m not convinced it’s something I can hold on to or control. For me, it’s a coping strategy to avoid feeling intense emotions about something I’m worried will get screwed up or backfire. Anyway, just my thoughts, since I have had similar reactions in the face of wonderful news about something I wanted.
oh, and I think this will not affect your ability to be a good mom at all!!! I bet the emotions will creep in when your guard lets down a little. I see a therapist for this exact issue and it’s really helping, but ymmv.
So, does anyone else do that thing where they romanticize people from their past into neat little narratives? And then, like, swoon over them everyone once in a while until they cease to be human? I think I do that a lot, and i’m not sure it’s healthy. Related – anyone have any success stories of being “just friends” with someone they used to date, in a normal, non-torturous way?
yepppp to the romanticizing. I tend to do it when I’m feeling lonely. There’s no known cure, unfortunately.
I am still friendly with an ex-boyfriend (dated 2 years, lived together 1), we’ve gotten lunch a couple times and text every now and then. I think it works because in the end we both realized it wasn’t a good fit, so there’s no unresolved tension or things left unsaid. And then when he tells me things like “I think I’m going to buy a farm after med school”, I can just roll my eyes and chuckle and appreciate the fact that my life isn’t tied to his.
I am dealing with romanticizing too, though, from a more recent breakup. It’s been two months and we’re in pretty close “friendly contact” because at the core we were really compatible, but building-a-life-together issues (money, mostly) derailed things. So I’m caught between my emotional side romanticizing the good parts and trying to gloss over the problems, and my brain knowing that it made the most sense for things to end. Not sure how that might play out.
Yeah, I’m in a situation where I’m not sure whether I want to establish a platonic friendship with someone I had a brief but intense fling with. I sort of feel like knowing him as a normal human would curb the romanticization process, but it might just suck instead.
His name is J. We kissed once one new years eve more than ten years ago and there has been nothing since.
I adore my husband. I love my friends and our occasional sextimes. I actually suspect that J is not a good match for me. I really like his girlfriend.
Sometimes, though – sometimes – little flutterings and wistfulness and ‘I wish’.
I am friends with practically everyone I used to date, except for my most recent ex who sucks and one ex who married a scary dude and cut off contact with all her friends.
The closest example is this dude I had a thing with in college, whom I now hang out with in a completely platonic manner at least once a week. He is a really great friend and I totally don’t want to date him and I’m fairly certain he does not want to date me, though I do wish he’d get a girlfriend and prove that. My mom likes to ask why dating him didn’t work out (because I decided to be with someone else, mom).
Also I recently got back in touch with another college ex, a toxic relationship that ended much worse than the one above because I basically fled the state under false pretenses to get away from it, and we texted a bunch and she came to my wedding and then we had lunch when we were in the same town and now I’ve met her future stepdaughter and will probably go to her wedding and all is well.
Yep, I’m good friends with two ex-boyfriends. I think the key is that both of you have to be sure that there are no lingering romantic feelings– if you have that down, it won’t be torturous.
I’ve only ever been friends with an ex person if it wasn’t in any way serious and I also didn’t talk to them for like two years, but I am also TERRIBLE at getting over feels, so YMMV.
I also think being friends with exes is generally a terrible choice and say this to anyone who tries, mainly because I’ve watched family/friends keep sticking their hands in fires in an effort to “be mature” and “get over it”. My attitude is mainly once one or both of us was no longer good enough to date, that person is no longer good enough to be a priority!friend.
I think it depends a lot on who’s playing – when my friends and I play, we all tend to discard the offensive ones and be mindful of how we play certain other cards. I’ve definitely played with other groups of people and enjoyed the game way less.
I agree that the group of players has a huge impact on my enjoyment of the game. If I were ever to actually own the game, I’m sure I’d go through and toss a handful of cards right off the bat.
mmhm, so tricky not knowing what are the Lines That Shall Not Be Crossed within any given group. I love the absurdist humor but some cards just make me so nervous!
A thing that was fun: subbing CAH cards for Pictionary cards. Extra absurdity, and lent itself more to the silly dick-joke ones than the [ones I find] offensive.
Sigh. Thank you. Intellectually I know that, but I’m also harboring a fear that he’s a sexy mirage sent to torment me.
The fact that someone sent a sexy mirage to torment you means you’re doing something right.
I will trade Christmas cards/acquaintanceship! Username is ‘bookaholic’.
Also I was grinding for SO LONG to get a zub and I finally caved and just got the tramp steamer for now. But I will get a zub eventually! I just wanted to go sailing sooner instead of later.
I am self-sabotaging in the face of a potentially huge new client. I haven’t slept in two days, getting no work done, and the assignment is due on Monday. I am hating on myself in a big way and none of my tricks for dealing with my anxiety are working. I need some love, guys.
You CAN do it! You are great, powerful, and thoughtful, and I believe in you.
I do this in reaction to basically every good opportunity I get. It sucks and it feels like you’re trapped in something you can’t control. (Plus the guilt of feeling like you somehow should be controlling it.) You didn’t ask for advice, but here is some anyway: move sleep to the top of your priority list. With a lot to do, it seems like sleep should be the last priority, but when you’ve gotten some rest, your anxiety coping strategies are more likely to work, the project will seem less daunting, and you’ll work more efficiently. Ugh rereading that it sounds incredibly pushy. I just mean, all of that is true for me, and might be for you too. In your situation I would go to sleep the minute I got home from work and see how everything looks in the morning. Good luck!!! Don’t be too hard on yourself!
I’m a freelancer, and I have definitely experienced this. I try to just focus on one task at a time and put any question as to whether I can do it out of my mind. And I get rid of any possible distractions (turn off phone, music, etc.) and just sit my ass down and get the shit done.
Self-recrimination takes too much valuable energy! And besides, you CAN do it and you WILL kick ass. That’s why they are interested in you!
HTH, and good luck.
In my head there is a list of Toast people I rate highly. You are on the short list for Awesome Toast People. You’ve been there for a long while now.
Can you pull the Internet and get your work done? Or put all the fun stuff — Toast, facebook, wevs — into /etc/hosts?
Hah, not an option for me (BOS->SEA, also I can’t drive) but I can always call my friend who lives down the road if she’s free. She’s great.
I have the condo to myself for a glorious twenty-four hours because my mother has gone to visit my brother in another city.
This week I started journaling when I feel anxious/depressed and it’s really helped so far. I taped a Strength tarot card into my journal’s front cover to remind myself that I can master scary things and I made it to an appointment for a job assistance program that I was really nervous about last night. Writing about it (and about the things I want from it) actually helped me get some sleep instead of stressing out all night. Writing really helps shepherd my thought processes, I guess. That’s an important thing to know!
Just a few more hours, and then I have nine entire days off! In a row! We’re visiting the in-laws in Florida and going to Disney for a day when we’re there – I get along well with my in-laws, especially my MIL, so I’m excited for the visit. And for nine days of sleeping in.
DO YOU THINK ADNAN KILLED HAE? Y/N.
I don’t want to talk about the reporting style of the show, or whether ppl think he received a fair trial here, I just want to know what people’s thoughts and gut reactions are on whether he killed her or not.
I feel so in the minority here, but it seems so obvious to me that he did it. I think it may have been some kind of accident (i.e., there is some kind of fight that goes too far) but come on! He had motive and the possibility that the call made to Nisha was not him/a butt call seems not very likely to me. He was in Leakin Park, folks!
I also feel,that no, he is not a psycholopath, but he is clearly arrogant and manipulative. He played Sarah like a violin! All the way up to the end where he tries to lay groundwork for disregarding the possible results of a DNA test by repeatedly saying, “The DNA has been lying around for 14 years.”
Toasties, tell me your thoughts!
Yes, I think he did it. I don’t think he’s a psychopath, but I do think he did it.
I think he probably did. Wouldn’t have voted to convict, but the motive and opportunity were there and IPV is depressingly common.
As to arrogant and manipulative, I don’t know. I think the affect he adopts in interviews could equally well belong to a man who is truly innocent, highly analytical, and has spent decades going over every facet of the case and anticipating counterarguments or a truly guilty man who is angry he got caught when the police never found anything solid linking him to the crime.
No jury should have convicted him based on the state’s case, but I think he probably killed her.
My big line is, Adnan seems so nice, it makes you wonder if Hae is exaggerating a little bit about being dead.
Nice, personable guys who love their families kill people all the time!
I still go back and forth, but Dana’s point that Adnan just sure did have some awful luck kind of does give me pause. I know bad luck happens, but a multi-coincidence bad luck streak tale of woe always makes me skeptical.
I’m going to be the dissenting voice in this thread: I really think he’s innocent. Or at least I really want him to be.
I am with Dana “Occam’s Razor” Chivvis on this one: it makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE that he did it, rather than that he was just at the epicenter of a huge number of horribly unfortunate coincidences.
The “guy just out of prison” lead that the Innocence Project people dug up is an exciting one, but there’s not much to substantiate it, and it leaves out the fact that Jay still knew where that damn car was, and there’s no explanation for that other than him having been involved. Which leads back to Adnan.
Adnan seems like a nice, normal, very likable guy, which I think is why so many people are hesitant about admitting he could’ve done it. But I think that has to do with a deeper feeling of discomfort at the realization that most people who commit horrific crimes ARE in many ways very ordinary, and often likeable. It’s usually not as black-and-white as “well, he’s a sinister serial killer who feels zero remorse, it’s okay guys, we are justified in blaming/disliking him.”
“Adnan seems like a nice, normal, very likable guy, which I think is why so many people are hesitant about admitting he could’ve done it. But I think that has to do with a deeper feeling of discomfort at the realization that most people who commit horrific crimes ARE in many ways very ordinary, and often likeable. It’s usually not as black-and-white as “well, he’s a sinister serial killer who feels zero remorse, it’s okay guys, we are justified in blaming/disliking him.”
Seeds of a different, interesting story that one could tell about a murder here, one where the focus isn’t on whodunnit, but rather why and what that means about the perpetrator and does that mean they should be imprisoned for the rest of their life?
I know this isn’t popular even among anti-carceral folks (because they much prefer to talk about the drug offenders who should never have been imprisoned in the first place), but American society is also disproportionately harsh to violent criminals. If you hurt or kill someone, you should face consequences for that, but life imprisonment is an extreme punishment from a comparative perspective.
Life imprisonment *in an American jail* is really just not OK.
Dana’s point goes both ways – yeah, if he’s innocent, he’s really really unlucky because of all the coincidences. But if he’s guilty, don’t you think it’s really unusual that there’s absolutely no evidence to prove it? How could one murderer get so lucky (or not lucky, since he was imprisoned for it anyway, but you know what I mean) as to have left behind NO piece of evidence after his crime?
reply to sockpuppy: Aww, congratulations! I am 12 weeks along and so while I can’t actually assuage your fears about being a good mother, I can assure you that this is absolutely normal for your first trimester (or, I mean, I can assure you that you are not alone and also probably that you and I are both people who will end up raising our children according to Mallory’s posts about teaching semiotics to babies.) My husband is also someone who was super-excited while I was feeling the same cocktail of ambivalence/fear/probably-not-going-to-be-good-enough, and that has faded away, along with the worst of the nausea/constipation/fatigue. Do not underestimate how much your hormones are fucking with your body/emotions at the moment. You *are* going through a major change. Feeling your feelings isn’t hurting The Womb, and luckily, you have a lot of time to adjust to this major change.
So I’m looking for some advice, Toasties. It’s not really a huge deal, but I know I’m not handling it properly.
My brother’s fiancee is a nice person. We aren’t friends, but we can carry on conversations and stuff. But I feel a bit overwhelmed by her sometimes. She’s apparently the kind of person who wants to plan big, grand events and do elaborate things all the time — she threw my sister a (not really wanted) baby shower complete with all those baby shower games earlier this year, she recently assembled an entourage for her wedding dress shopping that I only escaped because I had to work, and so on. Basically, it’s the sort of stuff that most women, at least around here, do all the time. But the women in my immediate family are very much not inclined to do these things and I resent being dragged into things that no one would expect me to attend if I were a man.
How do I learn to say no to at least some of these things instead of just hoping that I can volunteer for an extra shift at work each time they come up? She and my brother are getting married next June, so I anticipate an increasingly large number of events over the next few months. I think my dislike of feeling compelled to attend some of these things is negatively coloring my response to things she proposes that I would like. I got roped into a series of Facebook messages yesterday about a tacky Christmas sweater party that I immediately bristled at — but I think if my sister’s husband had proposed it, I wouldn’t mind so much.
Hmmmm. I think my advice would be to simply opt out of things that don’t sound fun that aren’t 1000% compulsory– like, wedding shower, you should probably go. Christmas sweater party, not so much. You don’t have to make up an excuse, just say “sorry, I can’t make it”. If pressed, I sometimes say “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately and need some time alone that weekend”, which is almost always true.
And I think, while you’re doing that, maybe think on why you seem to resent her for it? Unless she is incredibly pushy in ways you haven’t described here, it sounds like maybe the perceived compulsory nature is making you resent her, which isn’t really fair– she just likes to have parties, some that you might consider tacky! It’s not really sexist to have an all-girls event, but if that’s not your type of thing just don’t go. By liberating yourself from the obligation, hopefully you can liberate yourself fr om the resentment.
I do think part of my resentment stems from feeling like she’s doing a lot of this stuff because *she* feels like she has to do it because That’s What Women Do and not necessarily because she’s really all that into it. I don’t know if that’s actually true, but there’s been weird vibes from both her and my brother over the course of their relationship re: gender roles.
But you’re right, it is something I need to think about.
I hear ya. It can be hard to separate out resentment of gender roles from resentment of people who buy into those gender roles, especially if they maybe don’t actually seem all that happy about it. It’s definitely something I struggle with as well. This reminds of a few weeks ago I met up with some old college friends and a few of them were very into it being a “Girls Night Out!!!” and making it very Sex and the City, and made ridiculous comments like “Oh that’s so cool that you cook, when I was single I just ate Lean Cuisine dinners all the time” (because being single is just the time you spend waiting for a man to cook for, right??). This is probably a condescending and hence not great solution, but I tend to just feel sorry for people who buy into this stuff so much. It’s still a form of judging for sure, but it places less resentment on a person who isn’t really doing anything wrong.
Oh, that can be hard. I feel that in regards to my brother and sister-in-law. They enjoy conservative gender roles that are not at ALL how he & I were raised.
But I think it is possible to not capitulate/go along exactly with what they’re doing while still being nice & friendly about it all. Just talk directly to your bother & let him explain to her. My brother & I are really different, so we have a whole range of things agreed upon as “not my thing” for each of us that we never expect the other one to do, even if invited pro forma — we just know and understand. Also, my mother sometimes ran interference — maybe your parents will subtly help? I would have DIED if I had had to be a bridesmaid at my brother’s wedding, and instead my mom came up with a great excuse about how I was out of the country and couldn’t get fitted for the damn thing, so my brother asked me to read something during the service instead. There is almost always a compromise!
And you can politely say no too — definitely! Or suggest a really gender-bendery version of something. Or stop in for a few moments, greet them warmly, & then head on out. For me at least, the more I can keep myself from feeling over obligated and trapped, the more I am actually able to feel warm towards the person in question — so it is actually beneficial to the relationship to say no sometimes.
I would just be honest with her. Tell you you like her, but you’re not so much into big group things and you’ll be happy to participate in one every rare once in a while, but you’d much prefer to hang out with her occasionally in a small, low-key group setting.
UGH replies randomly runnin off on me.
Toastles, my boyfriend was robbed at knifepoint steps from our home on his way home from the train this week. He is physically okay, although the three people who attacked him punched and choked him, but was treated shabbily by our city police and of course now has the hassle of replacing everything (phone, IDs, credit cards, wallet) on him at the time. But mostly I think he is feeling negatively about where we live. He moved to Baltimore to live with me and has been here just 6 months, but it is my hometown. I don’t want to be insensitive to his experience, and I know my city is known far and wide for both its crime rate and awful cops, but I also don’t want to move to the suburbs. Not even sure what I’m asking for, other than similar experiences and fist pounds to celebrate the end of a shitty week. 2014, please see yourself out.
Oh, how scary!
Begone 2014, garbage year of garbage.
Ugh that’s awful, I’m sorry that happened to your bf and also sorry that the cops were shitty about it.
OH MY GOD.
I’m very grateful to report I do not have a similar experience, but here is a fistbump to say GOODBYE 2014.
Thanks my dudes. 2014 has been a real global crapfest.
Everyone I know who’s lived in Baltimore has been burgled or robbed, but OTOH I live in a residential suburban neighborhood where every other person has roughly the annual income of Germany, and last weekend a dude busted into my house looking to murder a roommate and had to be escorted out at gunpoint so yeah, it’s a wash.
Getting physically attacked is the kind of violation of self that sometimes needs a solution just to return to normalcy, even if it’s a totally fake bullshit one, so maybe find him another quick fix I guess.
Chiming in late here — having lived in Baltimore, and having been attacked in a much safer city, I’m so sorry. I do understand feeling like you can improve your odds by changing your location even though violence can happen anywhere; but I hope he’ll be able to get to feeling confident and secure with your home. Give him time (from my own experience, it takes longer to shake off than most people think it ‘should’). His fear or discomfort after this isn’t an attack on you and your heritage there, but it’s bound to feel like that to you – try to practice separating those threads, if you can, so you can be supportive of his very legitimate feelings without escalating it into a bigger imbroglio. I hope it gets better soon!!!
I always get here too late to ask, but in some future Open Thread I’d love it if people would give a non-self-endangering shout-out to wherever they live. I want to picture all the dots you’d make on a map! (Me: Stupid Northern California).
Mid-Michigan here!
Upstate New York! Used to be even further (think honorary Canadian) but now I’m in the southern Adirondacks. I like it. Fewer black flies.
Kansas.
NE Kansas. Not Lawrence.
Seattle, here.
Long Island, here!
Philadelphia!
Northern BC, Canada! I’m not in Prince George, but close enough for a dot on a map.
Former treeplanter here! I actually really like Vanderhoof. Not so much Fort St John. And I absolutely loved Quesnel and Williams Lake.
But also …. what is there to DO, up there, the rest of the year?
Outside Tacoma (south of Seattle)!
NYC!
Eastern Ontario, steps from the lakeshore!
In Russia nearish to Moscow, currently.
San Francisco!
Pittsburgh!
Bay Area! I’m new and not really sure if I like it though…might move? I’ll keep you posted for map-picturing purposes.
Take me with you! Not loving Santa Rosa and have less than two weeks to find wherever’s next. Ya. Hoo.
Florida panhandle!
South coast of the UK.
The second biggest city in Oregon! (I’m being discrete haha not really)
I live in east Tennessee, near the Virginia border.
Western Mass!
Labrador (Canada)
Dayton, OH! Gem City wooo!!
Also Northern California! Although technically also central valley :/ Are you coastal-northern or inland-northern? (if you want to share that far!)
Moved from Ukiah (Mendocino) to Santa Rosa, but I have to move, like, yesterday, and am not finding anything. Trying to go back to Ukiah and reboot everything. I’d be curious about the central valley if I had energy for curiosity.
San Francisco!
NYC!
Eastern Nebraska!
Hilo, HI!
Boston!
Toronto!
Interior Alaska!
West Kootenay, B.C. and just down the hill from Red Mountain!
Usually, Sydney, Australia! Currently at my parents’ place in far northern New South Wales – literally an hour from Queensland – for Christmas. Are there any other Australians here?
Radelaide! 🙂
Wow, i left to work and returned to find my inbox had exploded. Y’all are from everywhere!! Thanks for playing!
East of Pittsburgh!
Charleston, SC!
I’m in bed today!
My IUD insertion was last night and hoooooooooooboy that was a doozie. The actual insertion wasn’t screamy bad, just flinchy bad, but they had to use some sort of instrument that starts with a T to hold my cervix in place or something. And THAT. Was like what you feel like just after losing a pint of blood. I think my body was just trying to do normal fight-or-flight responses, but when something is clamped down on something *inside of you* ….. Welp. So I laid there for an extra half-hour and then they poured me into a cab for the two blocks home, and I haven’t gotten out of bed since. No screaming, though!
Self-care is tomato soup, grilled cheese, and probably all of the Harry Potter movies.
I was kind of hoping to save up my sick days so I could have more four-day weeks in the future, but this seems pretty legit.
Also hiding this under the cut because it is seriously TMI.
Either they used a LOT of that brown disinfectant stuff or I am dry-spotting, either way, I have had like three showers since and there is still brown gunk all up in my vagina. Just wanted to put that out there.
Sorry girl!! It’s super worth it in the long run (I am legit an IUD evangelist at this point), but I definitely remember those first two days of feeling crummy. Hope you feel better soon! Enjoy your grilled cheese. 🙂
(Also, re: your TMI: I spotted for like 5 days, maybe a bit longer. It’ll clear up, I bet!)
Thank you! Feeling evangelize-y too, even with the fainting spells.
The nice lady said I might accidentally pull out my IUD if my diva-cup causes too much suction. That was a very interesting conversation, having to balance my IUD love with my diva-cup love.
Did you Mirena? After I got mine, I spotted for a bit, and then haven’t had a period since–so it might not come up.
Yes! Hormones forever!
Slightly TMI, but…
I have an IUD and I use a diva cup. I was worried about using the cup at first (I had my IUD for about a couple years before), and then I got over it. You can tell when there’s a suction problem and then you just stick your finger farther in and break the seal and you are good. (I still sometimes worry about it… I’m a worrier. However, I think if you are careful, then there’s no reason to worry.)
Oh, and I was going to say that you may want to use tampons your first month because my first 6 months’ periods were VERY heavy (prob not if you have a mirena though ymmv)… but that probably wouldn’t really matter if you are ok with emptying the cup every few hours (I basically went through a super heavy tampon every few hours for the heaviest days of my period… not fun but that only lasted a few months).
Yeah, we talked about seal-breaking and stuff, I’m just the kind of forgetful person who will do it the stupid way once and ruin everything.
(Forgetful is why I was on the ring / wanted the IUD in the first place, let’s get real, taking a daily pill is the dumbest method of pharmacy ever.)
Oh god I am getting an IUD put in next month. I’m sure it will be worth it but I will be cringing all the way.
Hah, I was also subjected to the cervix death tongs (“I just need to hold your cervix open a little…”) and it is suuuuuuuuch a bizarre feeling! It’s not even straight up pain so much as your body being like HELL NO YOU ASSHOLE WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING THAT STOP IT IMMEDIATELY. There was a kindly older nurse in the room with me who let me hold her hand super hard, which helped a little. I was also dumb enough to schedule the appointment at noon on a workday, thinking I’d just do it during my lunch break and come back to work, which put me in the fun situation of having to go our (awesome, thankfully) office manager and be like “sooooo… I had an IUD put in today…” She dramatically clutched at her uterus and told me to go home, hahaha.
Anyway, that was like a year and a half ago and I have no regrets and almost no periods woooooooo. Congrats on your new vagina robot!
Lucky. When I got mine, I had to work the next night and I asked my boss for an aspirin. She, being super nosy, asked why; I, being super cranky, told her it was because I’d gotten an IUD; her response, being uber-right-wing-Catholic-neocon, was “Well, maybe that’s a sign;” me, being a snarky bitch, responded by saying something about yes, pain WAS a sign of having something placed into my uterus and it’d be awfully kind if she’d spot me a damn aspirin. tl;dr I hated that job
D:
That is AWFUL. I am so, so lucky to work with the people I do, but I sometimes forget just HOW much. Yikes. I hope you’ve moved on to a better, less asshole-ridden workplace!
Isn’t it WEIRD? My body had this crazy HELL NO reaction as well. Like HELLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO. And I got really woozy and kind of… not ok and weepy after. Really intense physiological/psychological reaction to having my cervix opened.
Seriously, what an odd feeling. I’ve done some pretty weird shit to my body and this was the first one that made me think “OMG is this what pregnancy is like, because, there should be mandatory epidurals just to keep from scarring people mentally for life.”
I’ve just made an appointment to have one fitted in January! I am excited. And also mega scared.
Take their advice and schedule it when you’re on your period. Pre-opened cervixes are my new jam.
I went to dinner with someone this week and it wasn’t supposed to be a date but it was more date-ish than I anticipated and I didn’t realize he is single and things were already rocky between me and my boyfriend and this dude is really cute and talented and now I have a little crush. Ugh/yay? I can’t decide. Both, I guess.
It’s definitely both ugh and yay. Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for that moment in your life.
(For me it was yay, btw 🙂
Oh, I was wondering about that. Did he definitely think it was datey?
It was left ambiguous, but he mentioned right off the bat that he had broken up with his girlfriend a few months ago. And then I was like, <strangled swallowing noises>
It was still fun. I kind of hope we get to do it again.
Well, then, actually break up with your existing boyfriend, and then you can chase cute talented people wihtout ambivalence.
Hey toasticles, I have a relationship question. I’ve been with my mister for about a year and things are really great. My problem is (and always has been) that my enthusiasm dial just doesn’t seem to go that high. I’m never overcome with joy. I’m just not that kind of person. But I’m starting to extrapolate from that and convince myself that I’m not happy in my relationship. I feel some amount of disappointment that I’ve never had a chance to get totally carried away – but that’s not my personality anyway so I don’t know what I expect. Do any of you have some good advice for some good ways for me to manage this thinking?
No advice, but I feel ya! Real life is often more humdrum than fantasy, especially when your imagination is really strong and creative. It’s ok! Could you perhaps add some creative outlet to your life? I think that’s what would help me, were I in your situation.
My guy and I have always been pretty settled (making each other dinner and hanging out on the couch while watching cooking shows is basically how we dated)- we’re just not the wild crazy over the moon type. But doing things together that are new/ exciting/ a little scary always makes me feel like we’re connected differently- like, we may be couch-based life forms a fair bit of the time, but we braved the rattle snake infested wilds of Texas to go on a hike! and got lost! together! (We have also done things together that probably fall a little higher on the standard excitement scale, but walking past rather a lot of rattlesnake warning signs and continuing to venture forth felt pretty risky at the time…)
Sometimes having a nice solid foundation with someone lets you go off and do more exciting things. And sometimes actions are easier to manage than thoughts- what sort of actions would make you feel “carried away”?
I agree with the “doing new things helps” that Beakses suggests (that’s why the Bachelor works! All those stressful situations make your heart flutter).
I also went through something sort of similar at about the 1.5 year mark with Mr. Pamplemoussi. I was still totally happy with him, but I just wasn’t feeling so overcome and sparkish anymore. Naturally my anxiety brain made me read all these columns about falling out of love and I figured I had to break up with him. BUT! I didn’t, I stuck it out and I find those little moments still pop up once in a while where I do feel very spark-ish. But I also grew to love feeling comfortable. I’m not sure if that helps? But I do know what you’re talking about and I don’t think you need to assume that you’re unhappy in your relationship.
Toastatrons, my gentleman and I got engaged this week!
We got matching engagement rings that are beautiful and simple, and we are so excited about them that we fistbump with our left hands and say “peeeeeeewwwwww!!!!!” They were also not expensive, and we paid for them with our joint account, so basically I got everything I wanted while also giving the patriarchy the bird.
This is delightful in every way. Congratulations!
My husband (who also wore an engagement ring) and I definitely did the “peewww!” fistbump too. Still do sometimes.
Ugh, Toasties. At a work event last night I was subjected to so much “I’m soooo fat” talk and I was just sitting there feeling AWFUl as definitely one of the fattest people in the room and it just sucked so bad. Also work friend is kind of friend-dumping me, which honestly is probably a good thing because I don’t think either of us have good enough boundaries right now to be able to be close friends AND work together, but it still hurts a bit and makes me sad. Also my uterus continues to misbehave and now my GYN wants to do a fancy 3-D ultrasound, and recommends ultimately doing that ablation thing (NovaSure? I think?).
On the friend front, thank you all so much for you thoughtful comments the other day. I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to not go to the wedding, barring any kind of miraculous “being a better friend” thing happening on his part, and will tell friend to his face if possible but much more likely in writing. It’s best for everyone this way. It *feels* like the right decision to me, too, down in my bones.
Oh, all the ‘I’m so fat’ talk is just… ugh. As someone who is basically always the fattest person in the room, I’m sending you all the sympathy vibes. I occasionally have luck deflecting those comments by making a comment about myself in return, but then (depending on the audience) you have to deal with all those people going ‘oh nooo, you’re not fat!’ and that’s almost worse sometimes, really.
People should just stop doing that. It’d make everybody a lot happier.
Oh, the fat talk needs to die. I am usually the biggest girl in that conversation, too. Mostly I just take the first available exit. I just don’t want to participate. All the things I want to say are rude and all the things I should say will make me want to cut my own tongue out.
Once, I just said, “Oh, I feel fine about how I look” when someone made overlong and pointed eye contact with me. That was the conversational equivalent of taking a big dump on floor, but I reallllly enjoyed it. But I was also really tipsy and never had to see any of those people again. Still, a proud moment.
I’m going to visit my parents this weekend! The are in their church’s choir and Sunday night is their concert. I am a choir alumna and honorary member-in-perpetuity, so I will also be singing despite no longer being a churchgoer.
Then it’s oral surgery Monday, work Tuesday and Wednesday, Christmas Eve dinner with in-laws Wednesday night, kosher vegan dim sum brunch with in-laws and Jewish cousins on Christmas Day, and going to see Matisse: The Cut Outs on Friday. BIG WEEK.
Hopefully i can eat solid foods again by Thursday. Christmas Eve dinner I’m less worried about, if I can only eat mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie filling, I’ll be a very happy woman.
Today
1. I took a nap in the faculty lounge and it was awesome.
2. Our Dean is going to fix some stuff in the library and he is in super-dad-mode: “It’s a design flaw! What we need to do is counter-sink blah blah…” It’s great.
3. Not great- a student tried to mansplain me about opening a box. I kinda took his head off. Oops (it’s the last day of the quarter. We’re all stressed. And I am a grown damn woman who can open her mail any way she feels like it. Especially since the outside box is going to be broken down for recycling anyway. Ugh)
I… what… HOW DO YOU MANSPLAIN BOX OPENING
*head explode*
All I remember before my rage-blackout was cutting along the seam of the box and a loud, male voice going, “Oh no. What you want to do is–” (What I want to do is tell you to fuck off.)
What you want to do is–” (What I want to do is tell you to fuck off.)
Appropriate (although dogs) – http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dog…
I’ve been through the same kind of enthusiasm gap. My husband is a naturally effusive person who gets carried away easily, I’m more reserved and practical and both-feet-on-the-ground-ish. When we first started dating, I felt weird because I thought he liked me WAY more than I liked him, and I almost felt guilty about it. But whenever I asked myself whether I’d rather be with him than alone, or with some other person, the answer was always him. (This was big for me because I LOVE being alone and I always kind of expected I’d end up that way.)
It’s funny, over time (like, after 6 years) some of his effusiveness started to rub off on me. Sometimes I find myself scrolling through photos of him on my phone and grinning like an idiot.
(this is a reply to Momthra above!)
I have a mouse in my house, and I really want it gone. It is apparently too light to trigger the humane trap I set, although it seems to enjoy the cashew nut I baited it with. How do I reconcile my not eating meat with killing a mouse (or, a bunch of mice, dunno how many are there)?
ETA: Because I spoke with an exterminator, who recommended poisoning them. If I end up killing them, I want to do it humanely.
I used electronic mouse traps after sprinkling bay leaves and cotton balls soaked in mint leaf extract (which also made me want to barf) around my house to warn them off didn’t do much. Obviously the electronic trap kills them, but it’s totally instantaneous, unlike a snap trap or a glue trap or poison, all of which are kind of sad. You can get them on Amazon but some hardware stores have them too.
Or you could just keep feeding them cashew nuts until they’re really fat and heavy enough to trigger your trap.
Poison is a) very very inhumane (it basically dehydrates them, so they die of thirst, and that is not an easy death), and b) awful for the ecosystem (the mouse will likely crawl outside to die, something will eat it, and then that something will also have poison in it, etc). Snap traps are by far the most humane solution if you don’t want to/can’t live-trap them.
Thanks – I will stay away from poison, then.
Yeah I vote moving all your appliances and filling the holes with caulk / expanding foam / what ever. Even if you catch a few, more will come. I successfully ended my mouse issue this way!
Poison kills more than the mice. One poisoned mouse can kill an owl or hawk or other raptor that sees the slow moving mouse as an easy meal. I can’t find the info on their website, but in their live programs the World Bird Sanctuary discusses rodent control without poison (or glue traps, which are also a very inhumane way to kill something). They might have some info if you email them:
http://www.worldbirdsanctuary.org/index.php
They recommend the humane traps and then releasing the mice far enough away from your house that it can’t find the way back–in a park or field. Or, if that’s not an option, use snap traps. But I’d try contacting them, they probably have better info that my memory of the talk.
I have cats, so mice are not usually a problem. But as someone else mentioned, getting food stored in mouseproof containers helps a lot too. My house is too old and has too many holes to plug, but keeping all food in some kind of container has cut down on the mice supply, much to the chagrin of the cats, who keep looking for them.
FUNNY CAT/MOUSE STORY:
We also have a few mice, which isn’t terribly surprising given that we live on a sand dune on the edge of an 80-acre woods–there’s a lot of wildlife around, and our attic is a cozy place for deer mice to overwinter. I’ve seen one or two in the last couple of years, always in the basement. No biggie. So we had a dude out to give a repair estimate on our treadmill (in the basement) and he lifted up the deck and a mouse ran out. He told MrChouffe, who promptly encouraged the cat to go down to the basement where he isn’t usually allowed to go. Ten seconds in, the cat comes tearing back up the steps, hissing and yowling, with bottle-brush tail, and the only explanation we can think of is that the mouse scared the lights out of our 25-lb, ten-year-old feline.
I have one in my CAR. What do I dooooo
AHH! Do you see it all the time?
Thankfully no! I only found some shredded towels and other random crap in the trunk, and rodent poo. I live on a farm so I expect rodents in general, but it felt like such a violation to find that there was one IN MY CAR.
I drive infrequently and I haven’t seen any new sign lately; I hope it got settled in during a quiet period and got unsettled by the drive and then ran away when I was parked at the grocery store? 🙁 🙁 🙁
TOAST. I escaped work with a half day after doing fuck all, and it was GLORIOUS. Now it’s time for laundry and some relaxing before we make a nine-hour drive to visit my parents in Chicago for the week. I have Mixed Feelings about this since on the one hand, I haven’t visited the States in a year and I’m looking forward to shopping and eating and lounging on my parents’ couch enjoying their cable TV and snacks, BUT with my parents there’s always anxiety and stress and drinking (my dad is an alcoholic, so…..lots of fun there) and ugh. My parents treat me like a child although I am married and own a home and have a full-time job and all those other Adulthood Markers, my dad talks down to my mom, my mom will ask me ten thousand times when we’re planning to have kids (“about nine months after I get pregnant, MOM”) and so on and so forth.
Someone reassure me that everything will be FINE and the butterflies in my stomach will go away.
Everything will be fine! You have an excellent agenda planned! More importantly you have an end date for your visit and a car at your disposal. So whatever is not fine has a definite end date and you can run to the store/go visit other people/enjoy the city when you need a break.
Toastrons! My winter break starts on Tuesday and I’m off work until January 5th (yay!). So naturally I’m coming down with a cold. Tell me of your home remedies? I’m already taking extra vitamin C, knocking back shots of apple cider vinegar with horseradish and honey and garlic in it, gargling with salt water before going to bed (a friend swears by that to ward off the respiratory viruses), drinking lots of tea, and planning to make chicken stock tonight.
(My immune system is actually doing a pretty good job compared to my first couple of years in New York, during which I got colds in October or November followed by more colds in January and February. This year I made it all the way to December before catching anything. I must be toughening up.)
In other news, is anyone else really excited to see “Mr. Turner“? Mike Leigh, British 19th-century painter biopic, Timothy Spall, rave reviews. I’m thinking of seeing it tomorrow night or Sunday, if I’m not snotty and coughing.
My solution to everything: Booze, if you don’t have problems with alcohol.
Agreed. Hot toddies for days.
Good to know that my “a glass of wine with dinner is probably good for me” philosophy has science to back it up!
I’m also in New York and getting a cold. Germ solidarity?
I’ve also just come down with a cold! Go get some zinc drops – they’re, as far as I know, the only thing scientifically proven to help fight your cold. They work really well for me and keep me from needing to curl up in bed for a day. I’m sniffly but I can still function like a person.
I had some zinc tablets yesterday, and I seem to have warded off the worst of it, knock on wood!
I thought it was all out – but it DEFINITELY wasn’t. There’s probably a lot more to come.
Woohoo, six miles! I also reached that milestone recently– I moved to NYC this summer and I’d been pretty solid with 3-3.5 mile runs, but my goal was to run all the way around Central Park (on the main biking/walking path, which is 6 miles long). I did it on a 25-degree morning and it was gloriously quiet. Surprisingly, I LOVE running in the cold.
I’m going for 7 this weekend, too– I’ll be thinking of you while I’m doing it! If we can do 6 we can totally do 7.
(reply to StillTerry. I should honestly just start writing this in my posts originally because they always show up in the wrong place.)
Damn right we can do this! And kudos to you on running in the cold. It always messes up my breathing.
I have the sonic mouse deterrents, and I sprinkled cotton balls with peppermint oil on them around the house (I actually love the smell!), to no effect.
Toasties, cheer me up. My new doctor was cheerful and fun and cursed a lot (yay!) but also didn’t seem to take me too seriously on stuff that’s gone on this year (boo, boo, boo). She did order blood work for me, which all came back as normal, and that is raising a lot of contradictory feelings in my head and also means I get to start out the new year with a diet plan (?).
Toastie darlings, I suddenly feel very sad and single. Why is this? I have always been the posterwoman for fullheartedly embracing both witchy solitude and slutty single adventures and adventurous solo travels. And now suddenly out of nowhere I just want a Person to Cuddle. Does this mean it’s time to get a pet?
Welcome to team “Not A Cool Single Person!”
Meh, things change. I definitely went through a transition where I had to reconcile myself to the idea that what was once satisfying and enjoyable to me, no longer hit the spot. And I think that’s all part of the same philosophy of trusting yourself – when single life worked for you, that’s what you did because you wanted it and enjoyed it. If that’s not what you want or enjoy today, then you’re free to do something else. There’s no betrayal in that.
Sounds like winter boyfriend weather! Get one with a beard, that way you can pet it like a cat.*
*I’m not actually suggesting that you should get a boyfriend, or that it would be easy if you wanted to.
Thanks for the reply, I just wanted to groan on the internet “this sucks, was not okay, I do not agree with it” and hoped someone would agree. I’ll probably never see these jerks again and I’m trying to put it out of my mind. However my mind keeps bouncing between thinking: “oh, what if I said such and such, oh man that woulda been perfect….” and then thinking “I was required to say diddly-squat to these bozos and they didn’t deserve my time, my personal space or my mental space now, Screw Them!”
btw have recently read “Yes Please” by Amy Poehler and the anecdote of her cursing out some arrogant dude from first class is now my go-to revenge fantasy
(reply to sausagedog, who replied to me above)
THIS IS AMAZING
EMAILING NOW
You guys:
BOJACK HORSEMAN CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/80019503
I now have plans for the evening, THANK YOU.
I’m with you. Been reading since high school (also Something Positive and Girls with Slingshots…), so at least 9 – 10 years.
I love GWS!
May you all enjoy the holidaze next week and into the New Year. Here is Santa Claus entering a Texas square on a reinsteer named Hotshot.
The heck is that flag the guy is holding in the right of the frame?
That would be the Goliad flag, second only to Gonzales’s “COME AND TAKE IT” for bravado that got firmly quashed by Mexico. The origin is obscure, but as the person usually credited with the design had spent time “at sea,” I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some piratical antecedents.
That caught my eye, too. It’s gruesome!
However: REINSTEER.
Hello lovely Toasties.
So a random boyfriend anecdote, I wonder how much others identify with this:
earlier this eve my boyfriend, after sex, started watching the final episode of “The Fall’ on his laptop, lying next to me in bed. Didn’t ask if I wanted to watch too (I didn’t, the script seems shit and full of platitudes plus it glamorises male on female violence).
I find he does this on occasion: sticks on a show, or some music, without asking me what I feel like watching/listening to. I see it as male privilege morphing into a form of male dominance of the silence and space around both of us. Have started calling him out on it, mainly because I ALWAYS start a discussion before putting any show/music on, so feel like he darn should too.
Anyway, so I tolerated it briefly for some reason, then thought “why am I tolerating this, in my bed, in my bedroom”, and told him passive-aggressively (am working on that) to either put headphones in or go elsewhere as I was uninterested in what he was watching in the extreme. He moved to another room. I rolled around in bed having gleefully reclaimed what is mine. Sigh.
Agggghhhhhhh I have been there, although he does wear headphones/turn the sound on games off, so it’s not quite as intrusive. I use it as an excuse to go ahead and do what I want without him. Okay, you’re going to play your video game, I’m going to go read or watch something else or whatever without you. See you later.
M. Siniichulok does this with music or online news videos while I’m listening to music or watching something. For him it’s partly male privilege (he’s surprised and turns it off when I tell him he’s doing it again) and partly that he grew up in a crowded household in a communal society where everybody makes noise in close quarters and blocks each other out. But I didn’t, and it drives me nuts. He also used to change the channel when *he* found it boring (always while it was something I chose to watch, always when I was most into it), but he doesn’t do it anymore after we fought about it a lot. We’re still working on the I-listen-to-him-complete-his-thoughts-and-he-interrupts-me thing, which I think might be part of the same general phenomenon.
YES my boyfriend does this exact same thing. And I ALWAYS check with him before turning on music or the TV. IS IT a male privilege thing?? You might be right about that.
Sometimes I find myself reacting really passive aggressively and getting disproportionately upset when he puts on a TV show I’m not interested in without asking me. Partly it’s that I would rather he pay attention to me, and partly it’s that I’m hurt that he didn’t ask me. I definitely need to work on this.
Sometimes, though, he can tell I need to be cheered up and he’ll put on Broad City without asking me. I know he doesn’t even like that show, he just tries to like it for me. So that’s kinda sweet.
So, I have an update on the dumb facebook messages of last week! To catch you up: this guy I was friends with in college messaged me about a new years concert in a city I used to live in , 8 hours from my parents’ house and across the country from where I currently live. I politely declined and thanked him for thinking of me. He promptly replied with a very demanding “you’re turning down a date? no. change your plans or suggest something else. what is the point of being friends if we never see each other.” (paraphrasing a little bit here).
I wasn’t sure if I was justified in feeling nasty about the whole thing, but you guys were very helpful and supportive and confirmed that this was gross behavior on his part. I decided not to respond–not worth the energy, and when it comes down to it, I don’t care if this dude is in my life or not. Actually, I prefer not after this.
ANYWAY, so I just didn’t answer. He called a few nights later, I ignored it. He left a message “Hey, I owe you an apology and an explanation. I hope we can still be friends.” I texted that he could send me another message if he felt like it, I couldn’t talk. he called AGAIN. Ignored it again, texted again, “I’m out, can’t talk.” (Blatant lie lol)
So, here’s the message he sent later that night:
I’ve been single for two years
You’ve been a crush for two years
I day dreamed that you would accept my invitation, and I think that caused my frustrated response.
The new year’s eve hype is real, 365 days around the sun. Well, I’m done being single
I’m sorry for overreacting. I don’t want to lose your respect or friendship
And then there was a link to a terrible song that I initially thought he had recorded?? Turns out no, it is just sad emo boy music recorded by someone else. Anyway the whole thing is just SO GROSS. Wtf is he even talking about, “I’m done being single” Sounds vaguely menacing, right? I haven’t responded to this message either, but i might just thank him for his apology or something. Not sure yet.
But I do want to say thank you to everyone who chimed in last week for all for your advice and for validating my feelings of unease around the initial weird message!
Suspicions: confirmed. Dude is bad news.
I have no idea what he is talking about but he deserves absolutely nothing from you. That wasn’t even an apology. He didn’t actually apologize. He excused his feelings by blaming YOU for them and then vaguely threatened you. Do not respond, do not take his calls, unfriend him and block him everywhere you can think of. The new iPhones have a feature where you can block numbers now, isn’t that fantastic? (Ahahah ask me how I know….)
He also plowed right over your clearly stated boundaries when you told him he could send a message and he immediately called. No bueno.
Yes that too. It’s like a whole multi-layered onion of bad!
This guy isn’t safe to be around.
And if you have android, I use the Mr Number app.
Thank you guys so much, really. I have had a pretty terrible week by all measures, and feeling understood and supported, even in this small way, in this little corner of the internet, is actually super helpful. xxox
Well geez if you didn’t want to date the guy and solve all his problems what business did you have leading him on, in his dreams, for six years. I think you really owe him something for all that trouble your figmentary self put him through during their two-year relationship.
I’m posting this anonymously because she’s totally the type that if she ever figured out my username she’d troll through my posts to find any mentions of her, and I really feel the need to say I really really dislike my brother’s fiance.. She’s smug and insufferable and makes everything about her. She can’t ever let anyone else be the center of attention without derailing with a story about her, or inappropriately talking about how hot her ex-husband was (so hot strangers would ask her to let him father their babies, apparently!), or doing something weird like impromptu yoga in the middle of a conversation. It wouldn’t be so bad except she seems to be surgically attached to my brother’s side. She has invited herself, or he has invited her to every family event in the last year to the point where I have not seen him without her since last Christmas Day. I only get to see him a few times a year, but my siblings who see him more say it’s been about the same for them and are equally fed up with her. Not only does she come along any time he goes anywhere, she gets rude and huffy if he has us over at their place. My siblings and I are all very close and I miss hanging out with just them. Any advice on how to detach someone from a clingy partner who is guaranteed to take a straightforward conversation about it, or hearing that I had a conversation with my brother about it, badly?
She is awful. But she is not the problem. Your brother’s choice to continue to be with such a person is the problem. Keep the responsibility in his court.
You can tell him you prefer to see him without her. You can tell him that by making yourself scarce whenever you see her. And you can tell him that with words. Carefully. There is little you can do, really, other than remove yourself from the vicinity of toxic people. Maybe your brother would notice your absence and ask why. Then you can have a conversation. But that’s some next-level interaction for someone who has chosen a narcissist for a life partner. I think you have to wait for him to mature a bit more. Good luck.
My house is old and drafty – I don't know if it's even possible to plug up all the holes, but I'll try to tackle the more accessible holes this weekend.
I have a bunch of jeans that I got from Dickie's via Amazon. My waist/hip ratio isn't quite as extreme as yours, but I have found them to fit the way I want jeans to fit and to be reasonably good quality. They have a few different styles and washes.
Oof, I don't even know how people can manage being super social all the time. The family of a good friend of mine is like that, always doing stuff (possibly because, as a family, they aren't so great at saying no), and I just wonder if they ever get tired. My sympathies as someone who gets anxious about gatherings, particularly with in-laws.
And yes, I think you make a good point about the outsider thing. I want her to feel welcome and I'm quite happy to see her at family gatherings and whatnot, but I still don't really know her at all and maybe it'll get easier once I do. My brother-in-law has been around for over 7 years but I didn't really start feeling completely comfortable around him until about 2012 — and honestly, I probably wouldn't even want him to suggest things if I didn't already know that he's a pretty laid-back guy who won't push.
I should probably try a little harder at the sociable thing, I guess.
New piglets!
Edit: fixing links
HOMYGOODNESS
PIGLINGS
So cute!
I would be thrilled if it turned out this random serial killer were responsible–I feel like more implausible coincidences have happened? I really don’t want Hae to have been murdered by her ex-boyfriend and good friend (even though I know women are way more likely to be murdered by their intimate partners than total strangers.) I also feel like the podcast could have uncovered lots more doubts in Adnan’s favor if they’d looked more into prosecutorial misconduct or the fact that Don’s alibi was a timecard record and his own mother. (I cannot BELIEVE we spent hours learning about how cell towers and butt dials worked in the 90s but a timecard record is totally unquestioned.) And I don’t think Adnan received a fair trial and I don’t think he should have been convicted.
But, I mean, it seems extremely plausible to me that he was guilty and also wrongfully convicted.
Thank you guys so much, really. I have had a pretty terrible week by all measures, and feeling understood and supported, even in this small way, in this little corner of the internet, is actually super helpful. xxox
edit: Ha, this was in reply to myself, above, re weird guy on facebook, but it fits here too! this sentiment can be applied generally, love to all you toasties.
One of the teens in Leigh Anne Tuohy’s photo has spoken out. It’s about what you’d expect:
Yeah she never actually asked for it [the photo] as she was handing us the money she was like “hey you know what I think this would be a great picture” and everyone with her was yeah totally so we just kinda went along with the situation like sure why not your Michael Oher’s mom but the whole time I was thinking you know why’d she come up to us in the first place I was still clueless up until she posted the picture on social media and stated “the person with me said I bet they’re up to no good.”
Gaaaah she is so terrible. And it’s great to hear from one of the guys in the pic! Thanks for sharing.
Oh my god, oh my GOD she is gross. Ugh.
She really is the worst. I feel so bad for those kids. Infinite UGH for her.
She’s SO GROSS.
Did you see what she posted right after this nonsense?
https://www.facebook.com/TheLeighAnneTuohy/photos…
ARISTOTLE SAYS I SHOULD LEARN NOTHING FROM THIS EXPERIENCE SO THERE
Ahahaha christ
Ha! I should. He is generally a lovely, generous person, but he’s also way practical about the ol’budget.
OOPS I was in meetings all day and missed this post going up. HEY TOASTIES. I AM PLANNING A WEDDING. WE HAVE A DATE AND A VENUE AND I AM QUIETLY FREAKING OUT ABOUT HAVING TO FIND A WEDDING DRESS THAT DOESN’T LOOK STUPID ON ME.
The proposal story: I got kicked out of the apartment so boyfriend could set up whatever he was doing. I had given him a ring to use in the proposal, but I told him he had to, you know, actually ask. Anyway, an hour after I’d gone out, he texted me to ask where the Elmer’s glue was.
“What kind of proposal involves Elmer’s glue?” I asked my coffee buddy.
“IDK, maybe he’s making a ring out of macaroni?” she said.
But no! He made an Alexander Calder-style mobile, with the ring as the counter-weight, and wrote “will you marry me” on the pieces of the mobile. It was hanging in the entry-way when I got home. Relatedly, Boston-area Toasties, the Calder exhibit at the Peabody Essex Museum is GREAT and up through January 4th.
You don’t have to shop for “wedding dresses”. Come spring, there will be plenty of white dresses among the regular retail clothiers. You might prefer those dresses. Or find a dressmaker and a pattern. The dressmaker will help you choose fabric.
And congratulations!
All of my favorite dresses right now are on modcloth and Nordstrom – you definitely don’t need a “wedding dress” if you don’t like them or don’t want them!
I got my wedding dress at a shop that sells nothing but used weddng dresses and it was pretty calm. You only try on ones htey have in your size, the shop owner can judge whether an alteration would work (in my case), and if you like one you take it away right then.
And regular everyday white or other pretty dresses are A-OK, too. Everyone there will know you, or the boyfriend standing next to you. THey do not need a white dress to target. (Though if you don’t wear one surprising people will kvetch, so.)
Late as always to happy hour, BUT! I just got called for a job interview. I lost my job at a nonprofit about a month ago (the grant wasn’t renewed) and they were sad to lose me, so my boss has been pushing to have me come back for this other position with them.
There are lots of qualified people but he says I have his full support; I just need to convince the head of the department. It’s a position at a mental health crisis center, so it’s also the one organization where my “lived experience” with mental illness is a feature rather than a bug!
Cross your fingers for me please!
Good luck!
Toasties, I want to share a dream that I had.
This summer (IRL) I was living at my parents’ house, unemployed and socially isolated and unable to drive. I had nothing to do all day except avoid my parents–my father is horribly condescending to and critical of my mother, and both of them had catastrophically failed to support me the previous spring when I told them I’d been sexually assaulted. I didn’t want to talk to them at all.
I spent probably 8-10 hours per day on the Internet and I hated it. There were two things that kept me from committing suicide. First, knowing that I would start a new job in the fall (blessedly not in my home country). Second, reading the Toast. I’ve been reading for over a year now, but I really doubled down this summer. I read all the articles and all the comments and finally signed up for IntenseDebate (although my login has never worked for some reason). It really helped to read things written by smart, funny, feminist, well-read, and misandrist people. I’m counting the commenters as well as the article writers. It helped to remind me that not everyone is like my family (or the guy who assaulted me).
So this fall, shortly after moving to this new country and starting my new job and finally being able to breathe again, I had a dream that I was on vacation with my parents. I was terribly bored and uncomfortable. I backed quietly out of the hotel breakfast room where we were and ran away around the corner. We were in a city. I took some lefts and some rights and ended up at a small house that was painted yellow. It was the Toast. Inside, every room was full of women holding cups of tea and venting to each other about the things we don’t talk about enough. Sexual violence, racism, misogyny, things like that. I could add my voice if I wanted to or I could just listen. I was tired so I just wanted to listen. And I felt so safe there.
Of course, this isn’t exactly what the Toast is IRL, but I guess this is what it feels like in my heart. It’s worth noting that there’s pretty much no place where I feel safe in the real world. So, I am really glad that the Toast exists and that you are all here.
What a nice story and a lovely dream! Yes, isn’t this yellow-house-that’s-not-a-house a good place?
Ugh, replying to myself to make it clear that by “nice story” I meant I was glad it had a happy ending and that The Toast helped you get through an incredibly difficult time. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that before you found this place. Thank the gods for other commenters who are more sensitive and articulate than I am!
Anyway, I am glad that you are here and glad that we are all here together. Be well!
I am sorry you were assaulted. You did not deserve any part of that experience. I am sorry your parents have so far failed to support you regarding that crime. I am impressed with your making a home in a new country and starting a new job. Those are seriously draining undertakings. And you’ve done it. I hope you are proud of yourself. Admiration and pride, these you deserve.
None of us here at The Toast is surprised that you felt safe in a dream Toast House. The Toast is a safe place IRL too. You are safe here. You are accepted as-is.
Thank you for sharing that lovely dream.
Oh, what a horrible IRL experience, and yet what a lovely dream. I’m glad you’re here with us, IR-internet-L.
I hope you can have a place to feel safe in the real world soon. <3
What a lovely post. Sending love and hugs and more love and more hugs your way. 🙂
Thanks guys. I appreciate you so much.
Long-time listener first-time caller. I’m supposed to go on a date tonight and I really don’t want to gooooo. I saw the dude last night whilst I was out two-stepping with my buddies and he was quite occupied with another girl, or else I would have said hi. Instead I just sort of awkwardly pretended like I didn’t notice he was there, and I’m not sure if he saw me or not. I’m not at all concerned that he was hanging on some other chick, because I was probably going to stop seeing him after tonight anyway because I’m just. not. into it. I’ve only been out with him three times, and we’ve had fun, but I feel like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not around him, and I’d really rather be spending my Friday night sitting in my cozy house with a glass of wine re-watching Parks and Rec.
Pretend you’re sick. It’s winter, people get colds, it’s plausible.
Ditch that shit! I’ll get some wine and we’ll e-date on bad TV.
Hey y’all, I need to talk disability. I have ADD without hyperactivity, just the inattention, and I’m also super tired all the time in a way that means I miss out on A LOT of normal life stuff. I’m in college in a European country (i e no mandatory attendance, grades are based on a single huge exam and maybe a paper) which works okay most of the time.
It’s really hard to explain my disability to people. It doesn’t come off as very severe or, you know, actually disabling – I’m often expected to be able to compensate fully by using the right apps, planning carefully and being smart. But this isn’t possible all the time.
I’m really affected by the responsibility narrative, which even progressive people buy into btw. Disabled people should take responsibility by never inconveniencing others, basically – so if someone IS inconvenienced by something related to my disability, that means that I wasn’t being responsible. I feel like I’m constantly put in positions I wouldn’t choose (I chose to go to college but I didn’t choose surprise mandatory group projects, for example), and I have to do a lot of practical and emotional work to compensate. I constantly have to do spoons math in my head, and it feels like I’m never allowed to be wrong, because mistakes can create a hassle or extra work for other people. The emotional work is the worst part – I feel like I’m constantly apologizing for things I can’t help and tried to prevent (and I also feel like people aren’t happy with a simple “sorry I’m late”, like I have to grovel to show that I really mean it). My levels of tiredness are kind of like the weather, I can predict the climate and the season but not the actual weather on a certain day. I can’t commit to plans, not really, but I’m not really allowed to NOT commit either. Life depends on plans.
It also makes me sad when I miss out on work I actually would have loved to do and get treated with suspicion – I actually DON’T enjoy sleeping all day instead of going to interesting classes that I chose because I really love the subject. It’s like being fired from your dream job and having people congratulate you on your vacation instead of showing sympathy, or being sanctimonious because THEY certainly go to work every day. It’s exhausting.
Disabled Toasties, how do you deal? I’m not seeking practical answers like “talk to your college” or “talk to your doctor” right now – I’m on it, they’re not super helpful but not completely unhelpful either. I mean like, how do you deal with the social, emotional and psychological fallout of disability?
Whoa hey is the constant tiredness thing a known issue with ADD cause I’d never connected those dots, or really thought about the ADD thing since dropping off concerta in highschool. So, uh, I guess good news is you can get through college and almost a decade of successful work life just fine feeling like shit five days out of the week, and none of your associates will really care or notice as much as you do. People’re gonna be pissed when you’re late, or if you forget things, or are otherwise unpredictable, and sorry isn’t gonna make ’em happy about it, and it won’t really make a difference whether it’s down to disability or just you staying home to get baked, but they’ll get over it if you’re otherwise competent and helpful and it is very rare to find someone who will nurse, like, a blood vendetta over someone who gets the job done being a little flaky outside the bottom-tier managers in the very shittiest of entry-level jobs.
Group projects are inherently a miserable academic three-legged race that ends in all involved temporarily loathing each other, that comes with a bunch of near-strangers with limited experience being thrown into a crisis with no organization and a looming deadline. Don’t take it personally,and use the opportunity here where it doesn’t actually matter very much to work out ways to accommodate your difficulty in keeping to a schedule cause uuuh that problem may not ever go away.
I’ve found that working is infinitely more agreeable to me than school ever was. I spent so much of high school and college being told that I ought to be ashamed of myself, that if I couldn’t handle some shitty group project or get a paper in on time that was irrefutable proof that I would be a failure in the adult world. That has not been the case so far– although I still feel a lot of shame.
My big huge problem is getting places on time, and it’s one that I don’t really talk about with anyone because there’s no way around the fact that it’s embarrassing to show up to work late three days a week. I’m lucky to have a fairly flexible workplace– like goatse said, once you get up into salaried positions nobody really gives a shit if you’re a little outside the lines.
If you’re anything like I was in college, here’s the advice I will give you– handing in a shitty paper is better than not handing in anything at all. Having to walk into class when you’re already late sucks but it’s better than not going to class at all. Looking like a hot mess in front of a professor who probably thinks you’re a moron is better than never asking for help. All you have to do is get to graduation, even if you do it with low grades. Once you’re out of school you will have a lot more freedom to make schedule s and responsibilities that work for you.
One more thing– I think that a secret strength of ADD is the power to not give a fuck. If something upsets me I can just sort of not think about it, which is a skill most people don’t have. I know that it flies in the face of all your coping method s, because usually we try to think about things more to compensate, but try just not caring about others’ assessment of your situation. Stop groveling for forgiveness– other people don’t really care how sorry you are, so why are you expending energy on it? Say “I’ll try to do better next time” and MOVE ON.
Yeah this is all very good and definitely stop groveling, beyond a basic acknowledgement of their annoyance all anyone’s looking for in an apology is that you won’t do it again and if you can’t actually deliver on that then don’t promise it
Yeah but… that’s not really possible? I mean, in theory, yes, never promise things you can’t do, but it’s weird and assholeish to NOT promise to do better in the future. Very few people are okay with that, in my experience – they’re way more likely to write me off as flaky or a weird asshole.
It’s a whole lot less assholish than constantly promising shit you don’t actually have any plan to deliver on, which is a fucking infuriating habit to cultivate. If you can’t be on time, talk with them to work out some division of responsibilities where you take on a greater share of what you can do, or explain how you’re going to make up the slack, or whatever it is you can do to compensate that is not empty words and false promises. You’re still capable of contributing something, just not performing flawlessly in all skills and roles (like everyone to one extent or another), and going around lying to people all the time to get out of momentary embarrassment just guarantees you are perfectly useless to everybody. Even if you’re not capable of contributing at all, that’s more than a little annoying but someone who’s upfront about it is whole worlds less so than someone who assures you things are going just fine for days and weeks and then turns up at the last minute with a ‘welp I didn’t do shit, we’re screwed’.
Again, you’re not the only one out there who’s late to stuff, or sleeps in, or can’t focus on things. It happens, it’s not the worst thing in the world, some people learn to curb it to some extent and some just live long, functional lives like that. There’s people out there who are super organized but panic when things don’t go as expected, or who can’t restrain themselves from starting fights, or compulsively steal small items, or simply cannot socialize, or work really hard but can’t think more than a day in advance. All these people exist out there in the world leading normal lives, you will get stuck living and working with them in the future, and while their flaws are obnoxious and obstructive under the wrong conditions they work out ways to live around them and avoid making everyone else count on the skills they’re worst at. For a lot of them, including some other people who can’t stick to a tight schedule, a fundamental part of managing their own weaknesses is being able to navigate them around others who are at least more or less predictable in doing what they say.
I’m a non-traditional student, slightly older than the usual college age – I’m in college because I couldn’t hack it in the working world. As a highschool dropout I was only able to get ~simple~ jobs, which are not simple at all for me since my tiredness, borderline-but-not-actual dyspraxia and lack of focus means I’m useless at blue collar work. College has actually been easier – I’m good at learning, and nobody is going to punish me for missing class (since attendance isn’t mandatory), but when you miss work you get fired. If I graduate from this program I’ll have a very attractive white collar profession, which I hope means I’ll have more freedom to shape my job into what I need.
Man, isn’t it funny (by which I mean horrifying) how the better-paid jobs are the ones where you can get away with the most? I regularly do things that would have got me fired when I was cashiering in college but now nobody says one word.
I recently had to tell someone “I am sorry I failed to meet your expectations”.
When he responded that he could not imagine a good reason for my failure, I thanked him for asking (he didn’t ask) for the reason. “I have always struggled in that situation; it is common for people with my diagnosis. You are not wrong to want a healthier response from me. I am sorry, but I am not healthy enough meet your expectations.”
I’m not sure if this is helpful to you, parsleymouth. I have lifelong clinical depression and this situation was about failing to respond to correspondence quickly when I am often overwhelmed and just getting out of bed is a win.
I feel better when I think of it as *others’* expectations. I am meeting my own expectations if I got dressed today and if everyone I am responsible for is warm and dry and feels protected. I set my own expectations. I owe no one an explanation, though I am free to make one if I choose. I feel better when I see the situation as mine to control.
It is hard, I know. I wish I could help. I hope to see an update from you. I want to know how you feel next week, or whenever you can post again.
You are so kind. I am glad you are here.
Thank you very much, RoseCamelia, I’ve noticed how thoughtful you are and I’m happy you wrote to me 🙂
What I struggle with is basically that I WANT to tell people to expect literally nothing, because I can’t truly promise I’ll be able to do anything. But, that also means I can never participate in anything, so I miss out on… everything. My friends are project-y people, we met through a hobby that can become very demanding. I would love to plan camping trips, theater plays, craft projects etc (okay maybe not the crafting, because borderline dyspraxia) but I can’t ever commit to anything. Will I show up at the planning meeting? Will I be there at the actual event? Could I write some stuff for the webpage or bring something for the event? I DON’T KNOW. When I say yes and fail, that reflects on me – people remember who’s a flake and who’s reliable, it doesn’t matter if there’s a good reason. Like you, I have a lot of days when I can’t get out of bed.
I feel like I’m fundamentally a responsible, reliable person – those values are really important to me, that’s what I’d be if I could choose. If I’d at least been the laid back hippie type of person, flaking would seem more, I dunno, logical? Expected?
My plans are “spend a lot of time at my parents’ house snuggling my cats even though I have an apartment now, because I am young and unemployed and afraid and their house always has food and coffee.”
This has been my plan since I lost my job, but it seems a lot more socially acceptable during the holidays.
Today we lit the Chanukah candles and are ordering Chinese food because latkes feel like a lot of work right now.
We haven’t gotten a tree yet and are debating whether to get one at all, because our new baby (who was teeny tiny and couldn’t do much damage Christmastime last year) has turned into THE LITERAL DEVIL. Nothing in the house is safe from him. Yesterday I got up and he’d eaten part of a loaf of rye bread (WHY?) – chewed through the plastic bag and started nibbling the bread itself. Today I got up to learn he’d eaten our box of Chanukah candles. PROBABLY just the box; we don’t think he actually consumed any wax, but we don’t remember how many candles were in there, so…
He had to go to the hospital last summer because he swallowed a penny, and will not stop chewing my dad’s shoes. There is no surface in the house that he can’t reach. The point I’m trying to make is that Christmas ornaments seem like a choking hazard, he’ll probably knock over the tree, and holy shit he’s lucky he’s the most beautiful cat in the world because he is THE DEVIL.
I have once again forgotten how to post pictures in the comments here, so here’s a link to a picture of him the time he got stuck in a cardboard drink holder: http://i.imgur.com/2eAeUDl.jpg
Oh my god, that is adorable. He’s a beautiful cat! If it helps, mined calmed down a lot around the 1.5-2 year mark. He even cuddles now, when he was previously anti-cuddles! So there is a possibility that at some point he might become less of an asshole. Well, more accurately, he might become an asshole who can’t be bothered to cause much trouble, which is the most you can hope for with a cat.
I absolutely spent the first two paragraphs thinking you (femaelstrom) were talking about a human baby. Knowing it is a cat makes it much more logical but also somewhat less hilarious…
Right there with you, watching that infant chase a wrapped rye loaf with a pair of shoes…
Gotta love the way IntenseDebate posted all my comments on the last page instead of in their proper threads! Doesn’t make me look nutty at all.
Intensedebate, you’re doing it again! This was supposed to be a reply to foxinthesnow’s invitation to vent about people assuming things about us based on their idea of us rather than reality:
Ach, you are so sweet to create the opportunity for me to gripe about this! I have this friend. We met in a newborns-and-parents class last year. Our toddlers are buddies. I like her a lot, though she puts her foot in her mouth without realizing it fairly often (she once gave me a formula-related present saying, “I couldn’t fix your boobs, so I got you this,” and I was too polite/surprised/embarrassed by getting a present to say WHY THE FAACK DO YOU THINK MY BOOBS NEED FIXING OR THAT I WOULD WANT YOU TO DO IT?? This was in the summer and I’m still thinking about it.). So she was telling me about how one child was enough for now and she and her husband aren’t sure if they want another, and she asked me what I wanted. I said that I was interested in having another and was in fact wondering if I was pregnant then (turns out I wasn’t–long story). She burst out, “but you DON’T want to get pregnant now! You don’t! You just got your body back!” When actually, I very much do, and I have complicated feelings about my body and how/when/where/why it is “back” postpartum, but I haven’t shared them with her.
I’m pretty sure that she also has a version of me in her head and therefore false expectations. She describes situations that she had or has– difficulty getting pregnant, self-identified total misfit/outcast status in high school, migraines with aura, to name a few random ones–and assumes without asking that I experience/d the same things, and seems worried/resentful/*something* when she learned it wasn’t or isn’t the case for me. I really do enjoy her company most of the time, but find myself yelling at her in my head sometimes after the fact. I don’t know what to do about it, because I want to spend time with her, and I don’t always notice that she’s doing it again while she’s doing it again.
I would be delighted to join your Neathy Misandry Club! we should petition. Sewing, full-contact croquet, and long botanizing walks in the woods. I would be the first to light a match for Chucklehead McA-D.
the key to growing your plant all the way is occasionally fertilizing it with dead rats, lighting candles around it, telling it some good secrets, and above all, if you get an Orchid Keeper card, if you're not going to spend Nex on the plant, just discard her. Don't risk it. Her advice is at random and usually it wilts your plant right back down, at least for me.
Gripe ahead: My almost-18-month-old doesn’t say “mama” or “papa,” and won’t eat with a spoon, and doesn’t like to drink out of a cup unless someone else is holding it for him (though recently he started pretending to drink out of an empty cup and beaming, so…). He’s very contrary and only responds to his name if you’re not trying to get him to do so (like if you’re telling a story about him he’ll whip his head around every time his name is mentioned). He has a couple of words for the cats, one of which is “kitty,” and he says “mam-mam” when he wants to eat (since 10 months or so), and he has a few made-up words for when he’s happy, and he says “dees!” when he wants to show me something (I think it’s “look at this!”). He loves dancing and singing (he will often match pitch with me when I sing to him, while gazing into my eyes). He likes to “invent” different walks, like walking on tiptoe, or walking hunched over like a tiny old man, or galloping in a circle around an object with his head crookedly on his neck so that he can look at it, or walking bowlegged like a miniature cowboy. He adores attention and tries to fIirt with people on the subway (usually blinking at them like a friendly cat, and grinning and laughing like The Count from Sesame Street). I think part of it is that he’s a perfectionist and doesn’t feel comfortable doing something until he knows he’ll do it “right” in his mind. But people I know keep suggesting to me that he’s language-delayed at the very least, and I’m sick of it. I feel like he’s doing what he wants to do in the order that he wants to do it. We also speak two languages in our household (and sometimes four when guests come), and we’re not about to stop, but monolinguals we know keep gasping and telling me he’ll NEVER learn to talk if we keep it up. Why can’t they STAHP? They have me worried over what is most likely nothing. His pediatrician keeps asking me if he says “mama” and “papa” (no) and knows at least six words (yes), and *she’s* not worried.
WALKING HUNCHED OVER LIKE A TINY OLD MAN!
<3_<3
Bilingual children learn to talk a little later than monolingual kids, but once they learn, there’s no downside to being bilingual – quite the opposite, actually! They don’t get “confused” and definitely don’t develop any language disorders unless they were going to do so anyway. In my developmental psychology class they told us that bilingual kids have better executive functioning (self-control and concentration skills, which they get extra practice in because they switch between languages and suppress the one they’re not using), and in old age it protects against dementia 🙂
Tl;dr your kid’s gonna be fine and your monolingual friends will be jealous when your kid effortlessly switches between several languages while they try to make their monolingual kids do their French homework or learn Chinese or whatever
definitely! sorry, this is so late but i’m only now getting to fully read the open thread. boys develop language later than girls anyway, and two languages can definitely slow them down. but that’s a good thing! he’s just taking time to sort it all out in his head. probably in six months or so, or maybe a little more, he’ll surprise you with fully formed sentences in both languages.
a friend of mine was trying to teach his young son both his native language and his second language (a language not spoken where we live), and the little boy took so long to verbalize that my friend gave up and just stuck with english. i was a little heartbroken by it, because if you think the little boy was taking a long time now, well, it’ll take him wayyyyyy longer to learn that second language once he’s grown up!
good luck! sounds like you’re doing everything right. monolinguals just have no idea what they’re missing out on!
oh, another thing about little bilingual babies — your monolingual friends will probably tell you that the baby is really confused. but this is actually not true! even tiny babies can distinguish between the registers of different languages. they’ve been shown to react differently to people they hear speaking their mom’s native language than to people speaking a different language. they can really tell the difference! so don’t worry, it’s not like your baby is going to only speak some kind of mixture of your two languages.
i’m sure you’ve done all the research already! but just be patient, it’ll pay off 🙂
As the parent of an actual autistic kid 18 months is pretty early to get worried about language delay. He sounds like he’s moving along anyway. Lots of kid, especially boys, are late with the talking. And if it is something to worry about, you’ll get more data over time and be able to get it checked out.
There are always all those people who are all freeeeeeeeaaaaak ouuuuuuttt nowwwwww but even if your kid did turn out to need intervention, anytime before three is still very very early as early intervention goes. The people who say “if you have your kid diagnosed at 14 months intensive therapy can SAVE HIM so you must investigate intensively NOW” are lying.
I regret the time I spent worrying about my odd baby early on and feeling guilty that I should be doing more, rather than enjoying her for herself.
UGH. People need to get a grip! He sounds like a delight.
levi's curve ID supreme curve. I have similar measurements (27" – 41") and these are literally the only jeans I have ever purchased that gave me pleasure. perfect give and stretch, not too small in the waist that you can't get it up over your ass, but also yards and yards of beautiful, beautiful ass room.
OR (maybe AND): Trollope. All the Trollopes. They weren’t all deep, but they were all prolific.
I’d start with Domestic Manners of the Americans and then leap to The American Senator and then one of the long Anthony series if you liked that.
OR (maybe AND): Trollope. All the Trollopes. They weren't all deep, but they were all prolific.
I'd start with Domestic Manners of the Americans and then leap to The American Senator and then one of the long Anthony series if you liked that.
I will be spending more of the holiday than I expected thinking `Playboy reprinted Rossetti? ANY of the Rossettis?”
I will be spending more of the holiday than I expected thinking `Playboy reprinted Rossetti? ANY of the Rossettis?"
Can you pull the Internet and get your work done? Or put all the fun stuff — Toast, facebook, wevs — into /etc/hosts?
Well, then, actually break up with your existing boyfriend, and then you can chase cute talented people wihtout ambivalence.
I got my wedding dress at a shop that sells nothing but used weddng dresses and it was pretty calm. You only try on ones htey have in your size, the shop owner can judge whether an alteration would work (in my case), and if you like one you take it away right then.
And regular everyday white or other pretty dresses are A-OK, too. Everyone there will know you, or the boyfriend standing next to you. THey do not need a white dress to target. (Though if you don't wear one surprising people will kvetch, so.)
That's a brilliant capsule description of Cold Comfort Farm.
Lovely people, I hope you are having good winter weekends, perhaps pre-Christmas stuff if that is your thing! I… I am retreating upstairs because I had a mostly very good pre-Christmas meal with my family (slow roast pork shoulder~) but
um
the old white faction decided to show my Pearents 1940s Little Black Sambo books and Pearents do not understand why it's gross and I am TOO EXHAUSTED FROM ALL THE COOKING to be like, 'hi! context! it isn't that Nebulous People "don't allow it" or "don't like it" and (insert explanation of historical readings & contemporary audiences here)! They can be sweet illustrations AND have personal value AND be heinously dehumanising to Real Actual People generations back and forth! all at the same time!! thanks!!!'
Chiming in late here — having lived in Baltimore, and having been attacked in a much safer city, I'm so sorry. I do understand feeling like you can improve your odds by changing your location even though violence can happen anywhere; but I hope he'll be able to get to feeling confident and secure with your home. Give him time (from my own experience, it takes longer to shake off than most people think it 'should'). His fear or discomfort after this isn't an attack on you and your heritage there, but it's bound to feel like that to you – try to practice separating those threads, if you can, so you can be supportive of his very legitimate feelings without escalating it into a bigger imbroglio. I hope it gets better soon!!!
Radelaide! 🙂
UGH, ugh. That sounds so frustrating. But I bet your pork shoulder was delicious. If that helps. Which it probably doesn't.
Also, every single instance of "Pearents" makes me giggle with glee.
UGH. People need to get a grip! He sounds like a delight.
I think I pick pocketed it from an orderly? I did it pretty soon after arriving at the Orphanage. Try the Opportunity Cards?
burning it down is actually totally a possibility, so keep at it!!!
What a lovely post. Sending love and hugs and more love and more hugs your way. 🙂
YES my boyfriend does this exact same thing. And I ALWAYS check with him before turning on music or the TV. IS IT a male privilege thing?? You might be right about that.
Sometimes I find myself reacting really passive aggressively and getting disproportionately upset when he puts on a TV show I'm not interested in without asking me. Partly it's that I would rather he pay attention to me, and partly it's that I'm hurt that he didn't ask me. I definitely need to work on this.
Sometimes, though, he can tell I need to be cheered up and he'll put on Broad City without asking me. I know he doesn't even like that show, he just tries to like it for me. So that's kinda sweet.
Very belatedly, I wanted to second the comments about bilingual babies, and boys generally, speaking later. He'll be fine.
And he's adorable, so they can stick their drive-by parenting and assvice in their pipes and smoke on it (them?).