I have bad habits or I had bad habits but now I have given up those bad habits and I still hold on to a small piece of them. I love reading the Casual Encounters, m4w, on Craigslist. No matter what city I am in, one of the first things I do is check in on the menfolk seeking instant sexual gratification from women. They are always up to something and rarely do they adhere to traditional conventions of language and grammar usage.
In smaller towns, there are a lot of missives from “country boys.” Sometimes they want to cuddle and make out. Other times, they are far more explicit. Don’t let country boys fool you. Then there are the college students in college towns, so very young, and mostly they want to just get laid and they aren’t going to be too picky about it or they are and they want an 18 – 22 year old co-ed with a slamming body or they are looking for a tutor, if you know what I mean because they need to “cram” for a final exam in physical education.
Anything goes in big cities. Visiting men want you to come to their hotel rooms. There are a lot of older men looking for attention from very young women. Some of these older men are a bit sheepish about their age and yearnings for nubile young lasses. Corporate types are seeking a young woman to come to their office for a quick blowjob because they are very busy and important but they also have needs. Dominant men are looking for “daddy’s little girl,” or “a submissive slut” or a woman with a “submissive streak” or a “slave.” There are men who want to be pegged or who would be happy to serve as a woman’s footstool. There are exhibitionists and voyeurs. There are self-proclaimed virgins looking for some invaluable instruction and men who are inordinately self-deprecating as if through abasement they might finally win a woman’s attention. White men take to Craigslist looking for black women or “ebony females” or Asian women or Indian women or Latinas because they want to try something different.
Married men, though they rarely admit they are married, are looking for a hasty encounter in a car or you have to “host.” Some married men are totally open about their situations, generally with sad stories about how they are bored or neglected by their wives or their wives are totally fine with them seeking a little strange or their wives want to watch or their wives want to join in. Then there are the men who have recently divorced or broken up with their girlfriends and they want a revenge fuck or they want a woman to be a balm.
There is a lot of demand for women who are 18 to 22, but there is also brisk demand for older women, mature women. A good number of men are interested in BBWs or big, beautiful women though many are clear to add, not too big. A number of the ads include pictures of, well, you can imagine—it’s the Internet, so anything goes. A surprising number of the ads discuss, at length, how these men love to go down on women, how you don’t even need to touch them if you will just give them a taste. These men give the impression that what men really want, is to satisfy women orally and receive nothing in return and only on Craigslist can this truth be known.
A unique vernacular flourishes in these ads—there is assistance or roses or gifts, offered by the men willing to spend money to get the attention they seek and 420 friendly for those who partake of herbal recreation and are willing to share and snow bunnies or skiing if you want to enjoy some cocaine, at least that’s what I’m guessing they mean by that. Men with BBCs abound. Either you know or you don’t. A majority of the ads are seeking a FWB arrangement—friends with benefits—once desires have been satisfied, the relationship will come to an end which is more like a benefits arrangement if you think about it. The guys who are a bit more careful refer to these arrangements as NSA, or no strings attached, which is far more accurate. Travel is a big concern, particularly in sprawling cities so the men will indicate which regions of a city they are willing to visit to find what they want. In many of the ads, there is a plaintive line or two about how these men know no one is reading their ad, no human at any rate and still, they make these offerings.
The instructions for getting in touch with these men are rather specific—share your favorite color so I know you are human, address me as Sir, tell me why you deserve my attention, remind me why I hate myself, tell me what the weather is doing today. There is also a hyper specificity to so much of what these men desire—puffy nipples, saggy breasts, hairy vaginas, bare vaginas, a woman who will make fun of a tiny cock, ANR enthusiast seeking a pregnant woman who is lactating and willing to share her bounty, a woman who will come over and receive a disciplinary spanking and then leave.
Only, within the anonymity of Craigslist, the white background crossed with blue letters, can these men share what they really want, what they need. So many of these men seem resigned to never finding that which might fulfill their desires and still they persist, still they hope. It kind of breaks my heart.
Tags: craigslist, desire, men, sex, we all want something, you can’t always get what you want but you sure can reach for it.
I hadn’t thought of this specifically as “men sharing what they really want,” but that has got to be true—you wouldn’t put up an ad unless you were hoping to get what you wanted.
Society bombards us with men’s desires, but rarely does it step to the side and examine the very nature, vector, and as Roxane Gay concludes, the bit of tragedy, of that desire.
Damn.
About “sharing what they really want!”
A few years ago I, too, perused the m4w ads–casual and otherwise–for entertainment, but also for possibilities. And I saw an ad for a gentleman my own age who just wanted to have dinner. He included a photo, and reader, he looked exactly like a dude who was sitting across from me at a coffee shop, so I Emailed him to see if he was that dude.
He was not that dude, just a doppleganger, but I met him for dinner anyway, and we ended up dating for seven or eight months. He was a good boyfriend–good company, good listener, all that.
Anyway, one day I went to check my webmail on his computer, and when I went to type in my own Email username, the webmail field autopopulated with an unfamiliar, porntastic name.
Naif that I am, I suspected malware, so I googled the name to see if anyone else on the internet had encountered such a thing. Nope.
Then I got self-conscious about googling such words on his computer, so I popped into his browser history to delete my last search. I know, I know! The point is, he had a history of posting ads on Craiglist–the generou$ kind. He says he never met up with anyone, and you know? I kind of believe him, because I honestly don’t know when he’d have the time. If true, though, there’s a dude who isn’t posting from a place of vulnerability, but throwing the kind of bait he thinks will show him the kind of fish he’d like to see. It’s a slightly less tragic and sweet story, sadly.
So many of these men seem resigned to never finding that which might fulfill their desires and still they persist, still they hope. It kind of breaks my heart.
I hope I’m not projecting, but I was really impressed at how this article seemed to showcase so many desire to be offended and repulsed by, and then at the very end made the possessors of these desires into actual pitiable human beings.
So many levels of sadness, here.
i used to trawl through m4m a lot sometimes seriously mainly not, because it seemed the easiest way to get laid on there as a transwoman and well…it can be just as sad. just judging by the sheer volume of straight married men looking for nsa gay hookups i think it is kind of depressing how many men may have not come out of the closet and feel trapped in loveless relationships. even if it is just fantasy you know? dudes have needs that just posting an ad hinting at being in close proximity to another weiner can fill and they are not being met in the lives they have built.
straight dudes are weird as hell
Men are men. Flip through this for a while. http://imgur.com/r/lolgrindr/AF61TPV
I mean, gay dudes aren’t the ones cultivating hyper specific fetishes over the relative puffiness of my lesbian nipples and how they deserve to see it but sure I accept the contribution
You can’t convince me that’s not a straight guy trolling.
Weirdly enough, I met two of the best men I know through craigslist casual encounters. We had lovely casual relationships for about six months or so then moved on. They’re both now married to other women but remain close friends. I’m not sure what to make of the fact that of the men I’ve met through a variety of ways online, the ones from craigslist tended to be the best. It may just be because the men outnumber the women so much, I could afford to be extremely selective.
As a Craigslist inhabitant, I always found the NSA ads and LTR ads led to the same result in the case of a first contact, namely a meeting at a cafe where we sniffed each other over and decided if we had further interest. And both kinds of ads could lead to a one-night-stand or a sustained relationship.
People are wierd.
I can only read this title in the booming voice of a Welsh male choir singing “Men Of Harlech”.
“Men of Craigslist, march to glory, desperate lust is hov’ring o’er ye”
You are the best.
I’ve used craigslist personals for quite some time for reasons from a friendly cup of coffee to my own NSA thing (and I am a bi female, for the record). I think a lot about the experiences I’ve had there, many of which dovetail nicely with Roxane’s points about everything the m4w ads require a woman include in her response to their ads. I wonder if a lot of what informs our online dating/hookup interactions is our consumerist behavior and the ultra-finessed shopping behavior, ability to pare down and sort results. I think it can be overly simplistic to say that our shopping behavior forms other behaviors. And some of that is the nature of the beast, but a lot it makes me sick. Like when I’m talking to a guy and he doesn’t just want to see a pic of me but he insists that he needs to know my weight or measurements or see a whole body naked picture first, as if there is some sort of insurance program we have on each other. I can’t imagine that makes for a very effective strategy…
Am I alone in feeling like the ending of this post is rather tongue-in-cheek? In a society that still caters to men’s desires and wants and needs, while yes, it is important that we remember that men too suffer from the patriarchal standards (hiding their feelings, true desires, thoughts etc. behind a facade of “manliness” and/or “masculinity” that is expected from them) I don’t really see the heartbreak at the end here as genuine, but rather of the “Poor baby, [head-pat]” variety.
No, the tongue-in-cheek tone was very clear to me. You are reading this on The Toast/Butter, after all.
Wow, it’s like you’ve met my (soon-to-be-ex) husband. Or at least read his casual encounter ads.
This is *really* interesting. As a guy who has used the w4m side for the past year for dating/sex, I've always wondered (a) what a woman's experience of the m4w side is like, and (b) exactly how to express my distaste for the m4w posts. Roxane, thanks for writing this. On a brief skim, it matches and amplifies my impressions.
It *is* possible to have really, really good–sometimes, life-changingly good–meetings through Craiglist, but you have to wade through an awful lot of junk to get there.
In times of stress I turn to the M4W section of craigslist. I find it oddly comforting. First of all, some of the ads are hilarious- men saying they are laid back then detailing exactly everything about that the woman that they, this prize specimen of humanity will deign to allow to date them. Men who write No DRAMA in such forceful capital letters that you suspect they are themselves responsible for a significant amount of drama, men who want something so complicated and specific, for free, that you bless their optimism.
Part 2 though is the comfort that no matter how lonely I am, there’s someone sadder and more demanding than I am.
Synchronicity! I just answered a Craigslist casual encounter ad an hour ago. Perusing the M$W and Casual Encounters has been an on and off again guilty pleasure. So very fascinating to see when it’s time to use their words, what the heck these men say. Desire is an intriguing motivator. These guys still manage to surprise me. And it is most fascinating to see the differences in these sections depending on what city you are in, especially smaller southern cities vs San Francisco or the DMV. I personally could do without all the junk shots but whacha gonna do. LOL. I’ve had a few encounters that were not all together totally satisfying yet I did have had some great conversations. Found a kindred spirit with whom I had very similar musical tastes. One thing, I learned about myself and men. They became more human to me because I know now that for some, maybe most, that it is really about contact and closeness and access to that transformative moment. I want that for myself too. And I have evolved to the point where I am fine about that.
last time I was on m4w it was clear someone(s) was/were REALLY trying to capitalize on on Fifty Shades of Grey. Lots of overblown language promising to force a lady into heights of pleasure or whatever. Rang kind of false.
Also, I had a friend meet up with a guy from Craigslist. Pressured her into anal sex because he couldn’t come with a condom and didn’t get the hint to slow down or stop when she, in great pain, started to push him back away from her. Then ‘forgave’ HER for finally telling him to stop.
Not every lover met on Craigslist is going to be the tender yet intense, masculine but gentle sort of fellow who stops when someone says “ow!” It’s a risk that one runs when one does encounters with strangers. Sorry your friend had a bad experience.