There are plenty of ways in which I feel COMPLICIT and GUILTY about our constant photo-surveillance of celebrities. ON THE ONE HAND: it was weird and creepy for photographers to follow Kristen Stewart around on the beach last week. ON THE OTHER HAND: if she’s wearing men’s shorts and dating a woman, I want to have this information uploaded into my brain without a moment’s delay. If leaked photos of Kirsten Stewart in a state of disheveled undress were released tomorrow, I would not look at them.
But I am only a human woman, and she was wearing Y-front shorts. Here is a list, in no particular order, of celebrity photos I would be unable to keep myself from viewing, were they leaked tomorrow:
- Kristen Stewart reading a dog-eared copy of Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues
- Terrence Howard purchasing a used version of Audre Lorde’s Cables to Rage with that line from “Martha (“We shall love each other here if ever at all”) already underlined as he seriously reconsiders his opinion of feminism
- Blake Lively absent-mindedly braiding her own hair as she picks the tomato off of a BLT
- Jimmy Fallon sitting quietly in a room, not doing anything, simply content to experience his own existence for a few minutes
- Kirk Cameron and Bill Maher holding hands wordlessly and tenderly on a sailboat
- James Franco being told — and listening to — the word No
- Vin Diesel catching the last fifteen minutes of The Iron Giant on TV and watching along, silently mouthing No following along with the script
- Terrence Howard purchasing a copy of Janet Mock’s Redefining Realness while wearing sunglasses to hide the fact that he has been recently moved to tears
- Eartha Kitt writing a letter before she died that confirms she did have that threesome with James Dean and Paul Newman and she did say “White boys are so delicious” and placing the letter as well as extensive (tasteful) photographic evidence into an easy-to-find time capsule
- Terrence Howard removing his sunglasses because he is no longer afraid to admit that he cries sometimes
- Tina Fey reading Melissa Gira Grant’s Playing The Whore and Toni Newman’s I Rise
- Iman smiling tenderly at David Bowie over a crisply folded newspaper as they eat toast in companionable silence (both of them swathed head to toe in fresh linen robes)
Tags: didn’t really know how to categorize this one, dreams
I could really go for a BLT right now.
I just had lunch and my mouth is watering for one.
Iman and David Bowie’s life together is, I think, the Platonic ideal of “life” itself. All of us are just imitators who have no style, no confidence, and no fresh linen robes.
I can’t not think of this: http://www.theonion.com/articles/david-bowie-asks…
Hadn’t seen that one before; am delighted.
That is EVERYTHING to me. Thank you for the link!
The moment when Iman calls him Dave i completely lost it. Dave Bowie. DAVE BOWIE.
This just gave me feelings of unrelenting joy.
Especially this: “James Franco being told — and listening to — the word No”
SOMEONE SHOULD TELL HIM NO
James Franco is like that hysterical woman in Airplane!: we need a large group of people to line up in front of him and tell him “no” in rapid succession.
“Hey guys! Should I make a movie where I’m a struggling writer living with a cursing, hawaiian-shirt-wearing man in an ape suit???” “No, James Franco. Go to film school.” “I’ll go to A MILLION film schools!!! And I’m still making this movie.”
That’s essentially the reason that part of me grudgingly likes James Franco – he sets his mind on something and then goes for it full-tilt.
Cher eating pickled banana pepper rings out of the jar as the sun sets
I want nothing more than this. Except, perhaps, photographic evidence of the direct link (perhaps firewire cable?) between Cher’s brain and her Twitter machine of choice. Because those tweets are not created by typing fingers.
Kirk Cameron and Bill Maher holding hands wordlessly and tenderly on a sailboat
I . . . I don’t know whether to laugh or dry heave.
the ladies from sex and the city drenched in mud.
yeah not so fancy now, are you?
These are all beautiful and perfect. Or at least they would be, if they were real. Why aren’t they real??
I’m pretty sure the David Bowie and Iman one is real.
Good god I hope so. Sigh….
hey what if they made sunglasses that had the frame and lens extend down to closely hug the contours of your tear lines on your face so no one could ever see you cry
they would just think you had a really sweaty neck or something
lulllzzzz
also: “These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me/ I’ve just been cutting onions, I’m making a lasagna for one”
Eartha Kitt writing a letter before she died that confirms she did have that threesome with James Dean and Paul Newman and she did say “White boys are so delicious” and placing the letter as well as extensive (tasteful) photographic evidence into an easy-to-find time capsule
yessssssssss would also totally look at that
(Also James Franco, OBVIOUSLY)
Blake Lively absent-mindedly braiding her own hair as she picks the tomato off of a BLT
I’ve never seen anything with Blake Lively in it, so I didn’t realize she had three hands.
Lol, this was my struggle when reading that one, too.
Perhaps she has especially coordinated toes?
If she ever had a horse, she may be able to do that magic one-handed braid thing that my friend in high school (who show jumped) could do.
I was pantomiming, trying to figure out the logistics!
To be fair, if Blake Lively has been hiding a secret third hand this whole time, I would look at those leaked photos IMMEDIATELY.
This is an excellent list.
As for Kristen Stewart, the important line to me is that she was in a public place (I assume a public beach) with her girlfriend. I would not like looking at photos of them in a house that were taken without their knowledge/consent.
This “Tina Fey reading Melissa Gira Grant’s Playing The Whore and Toni Newman’s I Rise” is really great and gives me a new book to read! (I was already planning on reading Playing the Whore at some point).
Also, Redefining Realness is so good.
Vin Diesel catching the last fifteen minutes of The Iron Giant on TV and watching along, silently mouthing No following along with the script
Does he cry every time the Giant says “Superman” at the end? I want to know if he and I have this in common.
Everyone should have this in common. If the Voight-Kampff test from Blade Runner were real, it would just the last 10 minutes of Iron Giant.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. Vin Diesel appears to be a huge dork, and I love it.
Jimmy Fallon sitting quietly in a room, not doing anything, simply content to experience his own existence for a few minutes
If I can’t have this, Jimmy Fallon dying of mortification about having failed to realize that Nicole Kidman tried to seduce him once is an acceptable substitute.
I am losing it at my desk watching that rn. Jimmy Fallon is such a treasure.
I didn’t think I could like him more than I already do.
I just…I really want to be friends with Jimmy Fallon, is that so much to ask?
My grin muscles hurt!
OH MY GOD. That is golden stuff. I don’t watch much TV so I haven’t really watched his show, but I’ve always liked his face and especially that song he did last year with Bruce Springsteen, making fun of Chris Christie.
Oh my god. This is incredible. Thank you. I am dying here at my desk listening to this.
This is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened. Seriously, it’s actually kind of a really beautiful moment.
kstew reading Stone Butch Blues complete with loving highlighting of meaningful passages and nota benes and dog ears and possibly a self imposed term paper notes scattered carelessly about; she considers self-reflection just from her expressions—this is the height of everything i’ve ever wanted. especially if ruby rose also happens to be there, Female Masculinity half cocked open in her lap, looking out the window, and they laze about on a sunday morning.
If you pick the tomato off a BLT doesn’t it become just a….BL? That sounds so much less satisfying. The juicy, dripping tomato gives it a satisfaction you don’t get otherwise.
I’d settle for “Blake Lively reading the GFY challenge of whether a paragraph is from her weird lifestyle blog or the J. Peterman catalogue.”
this made me feel like i had just eaten a caprese salad. like it was healthy and sophisticated but also contained the cheese necessary for joy.
“the cheese necessary for joy” is one of the truest aspects of humanity ever put to words.
Comment of my life.
MALLORY surely you know this, but your face is in that last photo in the autostraddle article captioned “other women we think Kristen might enjoy a Hawaiian holiday with” !!!
being name-dropped (face-dropped?) by autostraddle is the height of internet celebrity as far as I am concerned
Eartha Kitt writing a letter before she died that confirms she did have that threesome with James Dean and Paul Newman and she did say “White boys are so delicious” and placing the letter as well as extensive (tasteful) photographic evidence into an easy-to-find time capsule
YES YES YES to all of these, but specifically, the awesome tag: “didn’t really know how to categorize this one.” Because, truth. HA!
I would sneak a glance at leaked photographs of Butterscotch Custardcake’s baby because the idea of a baby with Bulbasaur Cottagecheese’s face fills me with limitless delight.
Oh my god. This is incredible. Thank you. I am dying here at my desk listening to this.
OH MY GOD, THOSE KSTEW PICS ARE SO GAY. But learn what a fucking bikni top looks like, Daily Mail, JFC. I think my favourite/most erotic part is how she’s wearing a shirt that says “Captain.”
I would look at a leaked celebrity photo of Mallory lying supine on the couch writing The Toast in the supremely non-ergonomic manner to which she confessed.
I enjoy Terrence Howard’s narrative arc in this post.
Seriously. I felt like I needed to sit down reading that combination and then realised I already was.
chris evans dancing through the woods, trying to handfeed a chipmunk, smiling through teary eyes as he gazes upon a family of ducklings.
::collapses:: stooooopppppp
chris evans dancing through the woods, trying to handfeed a chipmunk, smiling through teary eyes as he gazes upon a family of ducklings.
DUDE
MY FRIEND DID IN JUNIOR HIGH!
They were in math class together and he asked to copy her homework, and she fixed him with a "what even are you asking" look and said, very firmly and with a very judgmental tone, NO.
He left her alone after that.
gal pals enjoying the single life