Link Roundup

by Mallory Ortberg · January 8, 2015

linkAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA FOIE GRAS IS BACK IN CALIFORNIA AND I AM GOING TO EAT LIKE A DANG BARON KING:

Menus across the Bay Area were being hastily rewritten Wednesday after a federal judge struck down California’s ban on foie gras, allowing restaurants to serve up the delicacy for the first time in two years.

U.S. District Judge Stephen Wilson in Los Angeles ruled that the state prohibition on the sale of foie gras, a fatty liver dish made from force-fed ducks and geese, illegally encroached upon the regulatory domain of the federal government.

California lawmakers passed the groundbreaking ban in 2004 amid concern that force-feeding poultry is inhumane. The law took effect eight years later, immediately putting a crimp in California’s dining scene, where the French-inspired fare is celebrated at many high-end restaurants for its rich, creamy flavor.

“It goes on the menu tonight,” said Ken Frank, chef and owner of Michelin-starred La Toque in Napa. “All of my sous chefs are jumping up and down. This means chefs in California can cook with their favorite ingredient, just like chefs everywhere else in the world.”

I have absolutely already been eating it at the Presidio Social Club, which is located on federal property near the Golden Gate Bridge and is not subject to state laws and has a secret foie gras plate that I have already been eating from. I had some last month for my birthday. Nothing will ever ever ever stop me from eating duck organs, when I desire them. (This is not a real problem; this was never a real problem, but it is a dumb thing I am very excited about and also I have been told [mostly by people who make or cook foie gras and are probably deeply invested in convincing themselves that it’s not MORALLY QUESTIONABLE, but whatever!] that ducks and geese don’t even have a gag reflex because they essentially force-feed themselves when they gulp all those whole fish down into their gullets.

DOESN’T MATTER. EITHER WAY, I’M EATING MEAT BUTTER TONIGHT.

***

This is, I think, going to be a particularly light-hearted and frivolous link roundup, today. I play exactly pass-the-time-style two games on the internet: Slingo and Text Twist. Please recommend to me at least two more. I do not want to click on little jewels or have to engage in a narrative.

***

a list of fictional heirs apparent who never acceded

***

Roxane is recapping Empire for the Wall Street Journal! Did you even know that the Wall Street Journal had people recapping TV shows? I did not!

“I was really looking forward to “Empire.” Family intrigue! The music industry! Overacting! As NPR’s Linda Holmes said on Twitter earlier today, “Empire is very much hip-hop Nashville.” She is absolutely correct.”

Oh, that is all I needed to hear, my love. I will be right over.

***

a list of fictional patent attorneys

***

I’m sure that you never do this. But sometimes I will RT or signal-boost a project a friend or acquaintance is working on or has recently finished — something that genuinely interests me, something I’d actively like to read or watch — and I never get around to buying it. It’s generally sheer laziness that does it. I’m happy to spend $40 on heirloom cornmeal (SHUT UP). It’s not the money that bothers me. It’s all the typing of credit cards and clicking and writing out the little captchas and this is not the part of myself I am proudest of.

The point of this, I ACTUALLY PURCHASED AND READ Avery Edison’s essay collection Right Body, Wrong Junk yesterday and I would like to take the time to recommend it to you now. It made me laugh. I liked it. I don’t know how I feel about the unicycle, but it’s the differences that make life grand.

***

Here’s a video of pretty much every time Stephen Fry says “BAAAH” as General Melchett on Blackadder:

***

a list of fictional witches

***

Keep paying attention to the Tamir Rice shooting. The Cleveland Police Department released records on Wednesday that revealed the officer involved “scored a 46 percent on the department’s written cognitive exam, administered by Cuyahoga Community College and given to potential recruits. Seventy percent is considered a passing score.”

They’ve also released extended video footage of Tamir’s death. After Tamir was shot, his fourteen-year-old sister was handcuffed and placed in a squad car for attempting to help him. Keep paying attention.

***

“The grandfather of long-grain rice in the Americas, Carolina Gold is a delicate non-aromatic rice with chameleon starch properties that allow it to produce fluffy, individual grains; creamy risotto; or sticky Asian-style rice, depending on how it is cooked. Exclusively new crop and milled to emulate fresh, hand-pounded rice, Anson Mills Carolina Gold rice has a clean, sweet flavor and mouthfeel superior to modern long-grain rice.”

Why am I such a sucker for anything that calls itself a heritage grain? Or whatever a rice is. Cereals. That whole family, you know, bottom of the pyramid. If it’s $35/lb and milled by Rapunzel and particularly glutinous, I am seized with a hateful desire. I must have it, every time.

***

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261 Comments

  1. SwitchingGenres +15

    Wooh, Anson Mills shoutout! I live in Charleston and recieved Sean Brock’s new cookbook for the holidays, and so of course I immediately went to Anson Mills’ website and ordered a ton of heritage grains. I can report great things about their farro and cornmeal. I have the rice and red beans in my cabinet, just waiting to be made into hoppin’ john.

      1. SwitchingGenres +2

        I do! And I’m a librarian too! (I looked at your twitter feed). We should have a Charleston Toast hangout. I wonder if there are more of us.

        1. bibliobotic +2

          I am amaze.

          I don’t know if there are! I asked once in an open thread, but I think I was pretty far down in the comments, and nobody replied. Womp womp!

          1. SwitchingGenres +3

            I hope there are. I need more people to commiserate about how …weird Charleston can be sometimes. And complain that we don’t have nearly enough bookstores.

        2. Currer_Belle +4

          I’m in Greenville! Is that close enough? Pleasepleaseplease.

          Full disclosure, I am not a librarian.

    2. houblonchouffe +1

      Anson Mills made me a grits convert, and the Carolina Gold rice is unbelievable.

      Makes me miss my old job where I could eat these things literally daily without guilt or fear, because they were on the menu and we always, always had leftovers.

  2. plspassthePinot +34

    Low impact phone game : Two Dots– you connect dots and break ice and its not timed + plus cute graphics.

    1. ann1011 +8

      Does it ever become timed? Because Candy Crush started off okay and then there were bombs and pressure and manipulative leveling tactics and I gave up.

      1. plspassthePinot +5

        UGHHH i hate the Candy Crush timed levels! So far, Two Dots isnt timed? I’m about 50 levels in. The reason I hate Dots is that you have to do everything in 1 min. I cant handle unnecessary stressors.

        1. allofthewhine +10

          I’m on level 210 of Two Dots (as far as it goes right now) and it does not get timed.

    2. ramina +2

      I got way too stuck with Two Dots but I totally recommended regular version Dots below. Not only cute graphics but cute noises, too!!

        1. ramina +2

          YES okay that is exactly where I am stuck (on phone version, I didn’t know it had a Facebook version!).

      2. leahrobinn +2

        I have come to the conclusion that Two Dots lets you hang in despair for a few tries, then makes it easy for you. Currently stuck on some absurdly low level like 13. Previously was stuck on 9 or 10, and one day I opened it up and it was all just full squares and I won with honours. That’s how they get you.
        I don’t like the ‘use up your lives then wait 20 minutes for the next lot’ though.

        1. willsnarkforfood +1

          Yes, the 20 minute thing is bugging the crap out of me! Triple Town had a similar set up but you could pay a couple bucks for unlimited lives, which I was playing enough at the time to seem worth it. It doesn’t seem like Two Dots has that option, but I would take it in a heartbeat!

    3. erindubitably +2

      I came here to recommend this too! Best game! Though at least some of the fire levels are time-sensitive, if not timed.

      1. Kai_Ko +8

        I thought that too, but I actually then slowed down and found out that the fire only gains dots-ground when you make a move. I was literally sweating those levels until I figured that out.

    4. bird_internet +12

      My only phone game is the LOWEST impact phone game– it’s called Pottery, and it’s just a rotating lump of virtual clay that you shape with your finger. It somehow assigns you points for making a good pot, but I think it’s just rewarding the biggest ones so I don’t really worry about it

    5. literaltrousersnake

      Desert Golf, 2000 holes of anxiety rosary. Also Monument Valley but it’s a bit too involved for the bank line.

    6. liznieve +5

      I am addicted to Threes, which is the original 1048 (1082? whatever). It’s like a slide-y puzzle of numbers and you have to combine same numbers to double the value, etc etc. Can’t explain, can only mindlessly play while sitting on the toilet at work. What.

      1. Soramke

        YES! And Threes is so much better than 2048! I have spent way too many hours of my life playing Threes obsessively.

    7. neuromanticism +1

      Entangled. You uncross a pattern of lines. Perfect for people who take true pleasure in disentangling necklaces or tricky knots. Very calming, very satisfying…
      https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=cz….

    8. mirandawmeyer +2

      2048! The only problem is it’s pathetically addictive. I’m probably a good 10% less functional as a human because I want to swipe powers of 2 around alllll the time.

      2. leahrobinn +2

        Oh god I lay in bed sometimes after a particularly long session and my brain just won’t stop trying to swipe twos together. My eyes sort of semi-autonomously follow the swipes, too. Send help.

    9. leahrobinn +3

      My regular rotation is Two Dots (currently stuck and over it), Solitaire, 2048 and Flow Free. Flow Free (which sounds a little… menstrual? now I come to write it out and also I don’t know if ‘free’ relates to the fact that the game is free or that the flow wants to be free…) is excellently time-passing, where you have coloured dots in multiples of two on a grid and you must connect all the dots and also fill up every grid square. It has time-trial options but I never play them, just go through all the packs you get for free with it. Ostensibly based on water pipes being connected, I think, which is the actual meaning of flow.

  3. eastcoastanne +18

    Anyone interested in Carolina Gold should check out the Sean Brock season of Mind of a Chef, its a PBS show and is available on Netflix. He is best buds with the Anson Mills guy and they have a whole episode about grains and showcase a dish he makes with the Carolina Gold rice called “Charleston Ice Cream.”

    1. sausagedog +7

      Mind of a Chef is great! It’s also on Prime instant for those without Netflix.

      (Also re: season 2, I’m rooting for April Bloomfield to be the next Doctor Who even though I do not watch Doctor Who and am pretty unqualified to make that kind of call.)

      1. avidbiologist +4

        APRIL BLOOMFIELD IS MAGICAL. I was charmed throughout all her episodes and I cannot get over how awesome she is.

        1. laurenipsum +4

          I love her! I have a giant crush on her and all I know of her is her appearances on that show. She’s so no-nonsense!

        3. Alli525 +4

          One of my roommate’s “cool exes” (as opposed to the ones not worth speaking to ever again) works with her at Spotted Pig! She sounds really delightful.

    2. SwitchingGenres +2

      I’m watching the third season now, and it makes me want to go live in a tiny village in Sweden. Also, I agree with the other comments that April Bloomfield is great.

  4. Lily_Rowan +15

    Hip-hop Nashville sounds absolutely PERFECT. Am excite!

    And may I recommend 2048 for your time-wasting needs?

    1. m98widow +2

      Or Threes! I don’t mind paying a couple of bucks for the adorable faces and noises the tiles make.

  5. raqueue +27

    I appreciate the order of the thwarted heirs list:
    Greek mythology
    Tolkien
    Blackadder (of course!)
    and other

    2. manulpika +4

      It made me so happy because of course the biggest contributor to that list is Tolkien. I’m sure he’s a favorite of obsessive wikipedia list compilers, and “heirs apparent who never acceded” is like the whole plot of those books.

      1. V_Hardapple +3

        Exactly! Evocative of champagne bubbles, cheese, chocolate, good coffee, and supreme doucheyness all at once.

  8. pamplemoussi +17

    Best iPhone game ever (do iPhone games count as time-wasters?): Threes! You move little tiles around to add threes together and it is ADDICTING. My husband gets super mad whenever I beat his high score, but I can’t help that I’m better at it then him (the secret is that you focus on getting the numbers as BIG as you can, not on making lots of little additions).

      1. Sheila +1

        if you are very patient you can get a high score of 133K-ish. sometimes I play while listing to audiobooks == patience.

      3. floridagal1 +1

        I got to 4096 on 2048! When it happened I immediately took a screenshot and texted it to basically everyone i knew.

    3. liznieve +2

      phone game twinsies! confession: I once stayed home from work because I was sort of sick, but mostly because I was on a Threes streak and dear jesus I just had to get that damn 1536. Had. To. Get. It.

    4. octopoda +1

      Came here to post this. Threes! I think I’ve gotten in the 7k range twice.

      ETA By which I mean total points, not number combos.

  9. aravisthequeen +28

    1. For time-wasters, anyone who wants to is welcome to play me on TriviaCrack because I CANNOT FUCKING STOP WITH THIS GAME OH GOD. You can find me at @ s d q s d q (no spaces) and I play all comers.

    2. If you’re looking for some fucking depressing shit from Canada, this story from my graduate school is out! http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/unb-d… A prof at UNB has come under fire for basically saying there are too many immigrants and they all suck. Duchesne’s published academic work exalts Western culture, which, he says, is threatened by overwhelming numbers of immigrants.

    He said immigrants don’t respect white liberals, who don’t take pride in their own nation and hand over everything.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to write a very strongly-worded letter (although this gross man is at a different campus) about COME THE FUCK ONNNNN.

    1. winterbymorning +26

      He said immigrants don’t respect white liberals, who don’t take pride in their own nation and hand over everything.

      1. I am a white liberal (well, card-carrying NDP member) and an immigrant kid, where does that leave me in this guy’s racism paradigm? Is he doing that thing where he says “immigrants” but he means “brown people”?

      2. What elements of this great pride-inspiring nation are Canadians supposed to protect from immigrants instead of handing them over? Does he want human barricades at every Tim’s? “These double-doubles are for REAL CANADIANS ONLY! Go back to your own country if you want cheap coffee!” Should they be prevented from playing hockey? Not allowed to watch Road to Avonlea or Heartland?

      1. aravisthequeen +18

        I am a white immigrant married to a brown immigrant. He clearly means “people not like meeeee!” which….it’s so fucking obvious. In my office of three people two of us are white immigrants and we are far, far more threatening because WE ACTUALLY TAKE JOBS WHITE CANADIANS WOULD WANT TO DO. But nobody is complaining about us! Because we look “like Canadians!!!!!” OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP.

        I’m assuming by “everything” he means “money” which is a laughable joke.

        1. winterbymorning +12

          If anyone gives you shit just unhinge your jaw and start talking about L. M. Montgomery. They will be intimidated by your superior knowledge of Canada’s most beloved writer and run away, leaving their jobs free for the taking.

    2. fishesinthetwee +19

      2. omg, did that guy just say there wasn’t rape in places like Norway until they opened the doors to immigrants? HE DID. WOW, HE SURE DID. So many, many levels of obtuse and contrarian and bigoted, I’m almost impressed.

      I liked the part where he was like, “why are you afraid of people like me talking?” Because your hate-filled speech is like a virus, buddy. It should be under quarantine until science figures out a cure!

  11. ramina +12

    I will add on to every single BAAH with Phill Jupitus pretending to be Stephen Fry on a space hopper because it’s a thing of beauty, y’all.

    All of my pass the time internet games are of the clicking jewels variety, I’m afraid. Fucking King sagas have their claws in me between Candy Crush Soda and Diamond Digger and Bubble Witch. Wait! Except for Dots! Dots does not involve a single jewel OR narrative. It’s charming, simplistic, and has really cute noises. Which should absolutely be disabled before playing them in the bathroom at the office. Or anywhere, really.

  12. cestlahaley +4

    Smash Hit for iPhones is viscerally satisfying as you smash panes of glass with Solar Babies-style glowing orbs.

    1. Bothari

      Woooooo Solar Babies! (I do not have an iPhone to play games on, but it makes me happy that someone else has seen that bonkers movie.)

  13. seapartridge +148

    Did anyone hear the This American Life a few weeks back about foie gras? Apparently, there is a man in the Spanish countryside who discovered that you can produce foie gras without force-feeding if the geese believe they’re not in captivity. He keeps this farm filled with goosey delicacies and just accept the fact that a stupid number of them will get killed off by predators, and apparently it’s such a goosey wonderland that wild geese sometimes come join the flock.

    Also, they tried to replicate this in America and failed miserably, so it’s possible that this guy is just a one of a kind goose magician.

    1. safvn +117

      I would read a novel, poem, or screenplay called “One of a Kind Goose Magician” if anyone’s interested in writing that.

      1. CalliopeRo

        It is not at all the same thing, but this did make me think of The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, which does have a legendary falcon, a black swan, and a girl-woman-magician who dreams of summoning the elusive Liralen bird. She/her family of magicians have also acquired a dragon, a lion, a wise boar who speaks in riddles, a cat who casts spells, and a black mist that causes death. So. You know. Also this book is great, you guys, and highly informed my youthful romantic/fantastical dreams.

      1. amanita +23

        I feel like there is a small but specific demographic that would LOVE a goose whisperer.

        2. PonyAlong +10

          This, uh, would be me. Geese are notorious jerks and if there was a person out there transforming them into something cuddly, enough said.

          1. freshwaterpearl +3

            Sadly, the whole basis of the operation is that the geese don’t know they’re domesticated, so they don’t have any direct human contact and are probably still jerks.

    3. chnellociraptor +28

      Yes! That was my first thought when I clicked on this roundup! I really want to meet that goose magician; I feel like he has a tiny moustache. That was the best story.

    4. deleted1508189 +15

      YESS there is a TED talk about him, where an American journalist who came to observe his practices (I forgot his name, sorry!) tells everyone about it, and about how this was the way people got foie gras before they began the practice of force feeding. I love the way he describes the farmer as basically an all-knowing The Goose Whisperer.

    5. liznieve +7

      yes! and there was the Ted talk, and then a followup Ted talk I think by Dan Barber, or an associate of his. DB tried to replicate the technique in the Hudson River Valley and I belieeeeve it failed because his farm (Stone Barns) gets lots of visitors, and one of the tenets of the natural foie gras philosophy is that the geese have to reproduce naturally. And apparently goose sex is… traumatic and cruel. For both humans to see, and, apparently, geese.

    7. threatqualitypress +57

      you can produce foie gras without force-feeding if the geese believe they’re not in captivity.

      Christ, if that isn’t a metaphor for late-stage capitalism.

        1. threatqualitypress +9

          “What? I’m not in captivity! I’m not poor!  Look how much food I can shovel down my gullet!  AUUUGHWAAGGGHONKHONKHONKHONK!”

  15. sarahsaysssoo +14

    I love meat butter.

    Speaking of poultry liver and California, when I was in SF recently I had an incredible chicken liver mousse at State Bird Provisions. Highly highly recommend.

    1. winterbymorning +7

      I had sauteed duck hearts last year and I enjoyed them a lot more than I was expecting. Between that and the new Mexican place down the street that has ox tongue tacos, 2014 surpassed my expectations in terms of Amounts of Delicious Offal Consumed.

    2. Either_Ada +5

      When I last went to SF I waited in line for 3 hours at State Bird Provisions before it opened and then had to put my name in and then come back later in the evening for the second seating. So, I spend about five or six hours wondering how anything could possibly be worth the trouble, but it was! It was one of the best meals ever! And I got to eat my former state bird in two different formats!

      1. walkingthecow +1

        Whoa, 3 hours? I planned on going recently, but my gf and I decided that the 1.5 hours we were going to spend waiting before opening wasn’t worth it. I’m glad we didn’t bother, since it sounds like we would have actually been far back in line.

        1. Either_Ada +3

          I think it might have been more like 2.5 hours before or something. But the worst part was that it looked like we were good for the first seating, based on our line position. But a little before the line started moving, people in fancy cars started rolling up and spewing out the well-heeled people who had paid for a line-waiter. The couple in front of us was the last to get seated… People are jerks.

          But I think it’s calmed down a bunch since I’ve been.

          1. LeastBittern +1

            There used to be some people with reservation-making bots reserving all the tables and selling them on craigslist? It varies, how effective the restaurant has been at repulsing the bots from month to month.

  16. gorebooth +14

    The Wellcome Library makes a bunch of fun historical/scientific games: http://www.wellcomecollection.org/explore/play

    My favorite is High Tea, which is about the opium/tea trade in the 1830s, but that has a bit of narrative. If you’re more into eye-hand coordination stuff there’s Axon, in which you build neurons. And I spent several idyllic days solving the bizarre puzzles pitting gardeners against insects in “Who’s the Pest.” Oh, god, I love Wellcome’s games.

    1. ramina +18

      This reminds me of a game that my sister and I pay called “I’m Thinking Of A Fish.” It is exactly what it says on the tin. One time I stumped her for like 45 minutes with “halibut.”

      It’s great at parties!

      edit: I guessed the word, too! I’m #14 on the daily leaderboards??

    2. sausagedog +1

      Yesss manual binary searches!

      ETA: #15 on Joon’s word and #2 on Mike’s, good times but I’m kicking myself for mistakes (and ranking is dropping quickly)

    4. puzzleg +3

      I’ve been playing Guess My Word for a couple of years now (I’m Margaret there, as I used to be here) and I was devastated in December when the leaderboard was broken. I got Mike’s word in three (THREE!!!) guesses and there is no record of it.

      1. puzzleg +1

        BTW, I’ve only had an account for a little while, and I’ve only commented a couple of times, but every time I comment it posts with a +1 like already on it, as though I’ve liked my own comment. Which is ridiculous. Can anyone tell me if I’m doing something wrong? Or how to fix it?

    1. themegnapkin +7

      QuizUp is ridiculously addictive. I live in a small state, where it is totally feasible to become #1 in random topics.

  19. CleverManka +14

    OH STEPHEN. Welp, looks like I’ll be marathoning my Blackadder DVDs this weekend. Except I almost always skip the fourth season because oh god that ending.

    2. Steph +6

      In a similar vein, the last sketch in That Mitchell and Webb Look (Sherlock Holmes suffering from dementia) is *heartbreaking.*

      1. CleverManka +5

        OH GOD.

        Thanks for the warming. I’ve only seen clips from that show (love the homeopathy one), but will certainly avoid that sketch.

      2. mbculver +5

        Thanks for the heads-up! I am only most of the way through Season 2.

        (Is this a safe space to admit that I might have a bit of a crush on Rob Webb? Mostly, I think, because of That Dang Plummy Voice.)

    4. neuromanticism +5

      I think it was That Ending that made me realise that WWI was a real thing that happened to real people.

      Reminds me of that time I saw a blurb for Dancer in the Dark in the newspaper and thought “oh how fun, a musical about a factory worker who wants to buy glasses for her kid, that sounds super dumb, a silly happy musical is just what I need”…

        1. neuromanticism +3

          It literally was pitched like that! Why? Sadism? Trolling??

          Ugh. It’s one thing when you know you’re watching a thriller or an action movie or something, but I kept waiting for it to turn back into a silly musical. I just kept. thinking. it. would. work. out. Aaaaall the way, right up to the final moment, I was expecting someone to jump in and save the day.

          uuuughhghghhh

  20. fishesinthetwee +15

    The people at the Presidio Social Club were so nice to me and my wife when we stumbled in, sunburned and sweaty, completely exhausted from an underestimated day of touristing. They should have kicked us out on our ears but instead let us split a plate of something delicious and drink a bunch of cocktails. Thumbs up to them and their secret foie gras!

    Did you know tourists in San Francisco don’t usually get sunburned? I didn’t know, but a lot of people told me. A lot. Thumbs also up to my sheet-white skin and inadequate sunblock, I guess?

    2. sarahsaysssoo +4

      I got the worst sunburn I have had since I was a child in San Francisco this summer and stayed completely pale and pain-free during the week I spent at the beach on the Gulf of Mexico.

      1. fishesinthetwee +2

        Not surprising at all! If you can FEEL the sun, it’s easier to remember to protect yourself. But if I had to choose, I’d go the route you did, and be pain-free on the warm, sunny beaches. Sunburn + hot + more sunshine is the pits!

    3. msjinxie +3

      Everyone who told you that was lying. Tourists get sunburned, locals get sunburned – everydamnone gets sunburned, pretty much. Especially the last few years we’ve had where our weather’s been weird and we’ve had less fog than usual. I am historically bad at remembering to put on sunscreen (I’m trying to change!) because it’s cold here, dammit, you don’t get sunburned in the COLD. Except, Jinxie you dummy, it’s not the heat it’s the sun up there in the clear blue sky that’s going to fry your skin.
      Admittedly less of us tends to be exposed at a time, so there’s less surface area TO burn (except for the odd nudist) but, still.

      1. fishesinthetwee +2

        Oh GOOD, because I felt like an asshole! Someone was like, “You’re not from around here, are you,” in this pitying tone, and I was like, in a lifetime of going places, this is the FIRST TIME my tourist newbie no-nothing status got pointed out. 😉

        We were just there three years ago, I think–if that was during a year of less fog, I don’t want to meet your typical fog!

        It’s hard to do sunscreen in the cold, you’re not alone there. It’s like our brains that can’t accept LIGHT burns as opposed to HEAT burns?

  22. anon210 +71

    Of course Calvin’s dad, of course. Remember when Calvin calls him up at work demanding a story, and his dad starts reading him the patent application in front of him?

  23. wallofillusion +13

    I’m sorry that your preference for no narrative in your time-wasting games makes Fallen London a non-starter for you because you are very much missing out! But there’s a game called Flow that I enjoy, in which you make paths between sets of colored dots on a grid. It starts out pretty simple, which makes you feel very clever.

    Also, seconding 2048.

    1. bibliophibian +1

      Is Flow a mobile game? Is it on the ITunes store, or is it web-based? I want to try it but I know googling “flow game” will get me NOWHERE.

    2. keristars +3

      wait is FLOW basically a touch-phone version of PIPE DREAM because you guys I played that game SO MUCH on the hand-me-down Win3.1 machine we had back in 1998.

  24. wallofillusion +2

    And making a second comment because
    Arachne Gorgon (Soul Eater)
    Medusa Gorgon (Soul Eater)

    Shaula Gorgon has existed for over two years now and she is not listed here. I am offended for her sake. I am going to edit this page right now.

  25. hedinthecloud +7

    As a patent attorney/agent in training, thank you for that list! I knew about Calvin’s dad (I mean, I named my cats Calvin and Hobbes, of course I know), but the other ones are new to me.

    Yay meat butter!

    Also, random side question, and I know this isn’t the open thread, but anyone know a mkv->avi converter that doesn’t come with spam, malware, etc.?

      1. ToastiewithCheese +1

        Another patent toastie, yay!

        My comment just disappeared on me (sorry if this double posts), but the gist was: I’m in the Netherlands, so it’s all a bit different (you don’t have to go to law school to become a patent agent here). I am currently (supposed to be) studying for a patent law exam next Monday. I’m not there yet, but hey, three full days to go.

        I’m also already working as a (trainee) patent agent, and that’s challenging so far. I’ve been at it a year now, but my year-end evaluation was below-average. So I don’t know if this is the right path for me yet, but hey, might as well persevere, see if I can’t ace this test, and see how it goes in a few years.

  27. ppyajunebug +111

    Toasties, let us all gather ’round and witness possibly the loveliest moment of last night

    CHRIS EVANS, STOP IT. I didn’t need my ovaries, did I?

      1. ppyajunebug +102

        He wore a SWEATER over a BUTTON UP to an AWARDS SHOW and all I want to do is jump him.

    4. sednarea51 +56

      I literally shrieked “ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU ENORMOUS MISTER ROGERS CLONE STOP IT”.
      A friend of mine pointed out that Betty White probably planned for this. Of course she did, right? Betty White’s been to this rodeo before, she knows how to get young handsome men to escort her around. ::WINK::

      1. dakimel +29

        I saw that & was “way to totally cockblock ol’ white-hair dude, CHRIS” but of course Betty was into it, no fool her.

    5. winterbymorning +43

      I am so into him that sometimes it passes right through into BURNING HATRED territory.

    6. threatqualitypress +79

      I like how apparently at some point he just thought to himself, “Hey, what if I just WAS Captain America?” and then decided to do that.

    7. deleted7410012 +23

      yep this one did me in. in the next second after this gif, he gently and sweetly places his other hand on top of hers.

      HO WWHY
      why

  28. OncoMouse +7

    Hungry Shark for iPhone is my go-to time-wasting game. It’s satisfying in that the whole goal is to eat as much as you can before something kills your shark. I’ve also discovered that it’s very helpful to play with I’m on the verge of a panic attack in a public setting (and I do mean actual panic attack; I get panicky in places where I feel trapped, like public transit).

    1. bitzyboozer +3

      But without them how would you know that “depending on how it is cooked” applies only to the last item in the list? HMMM?

      1. hearyoume +3

        All I’m saying is that I would sooner restructure a sentence than write it that way.

  30. vanadiumoxide +3

    Google “puzzle baron” and then you can play unlimited amounts of various puzzle games.

    1. PaigePoo +2

      YES I’m addicted to logic-grid style puzzles (basically the opposite of mindless), and I LOVE puzzle baron!

  31. SwitchingGenres +3

    Time-wasting game: Zen Bound 2. It’s a very pretty game where you have to twist animal-shaped wooden objects in order to twist a rope around them in a precise way. It’s meditative (hence the title).

    1. pretty_monster +7

      i was informed that i was “making sex noises” at my plate. let zero be counted as the number of fucks i gave. it was sooooooo good. mmmmmmmeat butter.

  33. thecaitd +5

    I LOVE THREES and totally kick ass at it. The other key to winning besides making the numbers huge (as you said) is organizing the board so the biggest number is isolated in a corner and all the numbers decrease as you get further away from that corner, to decrease the likelihood that you’ll have to combine 72 with 3 (for instance).

    Sooo clearly I’ve thought a lot about this.

      1. highfivesforall +4

        This technique also works like gangbusters for 2048, if you’re into that. My high score is approaching the six figure mark with basically just this strategy.

    1. shinkickmorning +35

      there is an ad for Uggs at the bottom of my screen and I just thought sadly “can I get a full body Ugg?” why are the non-feet parts of my body being discriminated against? Why am I out of bed? everything is awful.

      1. Ethylbenzene +14

        “Why am I out of bed? Everything is awful.”

        That’s pretty much how I feel for 7 months of the year here in upstate NY.

        1. Bothari

          Seven months?!?!? This is my first NY winter (Kingston) and that does not sound acceptable to me.

    2. ramina +4

      It was a whopping 9 degrees when I woke up this morning! My hair froze twice!! I know it’s winter, blah blah, but it is COLD and I am not too pleased with it right now, can it just jump up 30 degrees and I promise I won’t complain as much.

    3. Olgasrevenge +22

      Checked the weather before walking to work. Temp: -3. Feels like: -23. Fuck you too, Chicago.

      1. ehmgeebee +9

        For the second day in a row, my partner’s school is closed. My kid’s school is closed. My school is NOT CLOSED. My toes have NO FEELING.

        1. Olgasrevenge +5

          Yeah my roommate works for CPS and has had a nice two day vacation. I meanwhile work for a university that doesn’t care if staff and students freeze into human popsicles on the way to campus.

          1. RocktheDebit +9

            Would this be the university in Hyde Park? The one with a wind tunnel dividing the campus?

    4. steelyglints +47

      I highly recommend a neoprene facemask. Not only do that keep your face warm and from peeling off from the cold they are fucking terrorizing. Who is going to mess with you looking like some kind of winter monster:

      2. BourneApprox +6

        OMG. Need. Warm, and increases the chances of no other train passengers even THINKING of talking to me!

      3. bibliophibian +3

        Do your glasses still fog up when you wear that? Cause if no, I’m buying one FOR SURE.

        1. steelyglints +5

          They do sometimes, but you can adjust it so that it doesn’t. I just move them around till they stop fogging up…or I walk around like a blind yeti. It’s still worth it.

          If you get one make sure it’s fleece lined. I ordered a cheap one off amazon after temporarily losing this one and it reeked of neoprene and didn’t feel so great on my skin. I think I have this one – http://www.rei.com/product/725712/seirus-neofleec… it’s a large but fits fine despite my tiny head.

    5. beakbreath +28

      I stopped to buy gas this morning and there was a dude pumping gas in jogging shorts and flip flops.

      BRO WHY. Who are you trying to impress? Are you an x-man? Did someone steal your clothes at the gym?

      1. m98widow +7

        There is a dude (50ish?) who is always near me on the train platform in the mornings who usually just wears one of those heavy duty LL Bean plaid shirts as a coat and no other protection against the weather. It was 0 when we got on the train this morning and probably even colder when we got off in Boston.

        You’re not fooling anyone, dude. And if you’re trying to impress people, no one is impressed. I’m much more interested in tips on how to get even more clothes on my body.

      2. ninathegreat +26

        I watched some asshat in flip flops trundle out this morning with his dog, which he then let off-leash (NOT ALLOWED) to crap in the square without cleaning up (OMG NOT ALLOWED), but the dog was so enchanted by the snow that he refused to come back to the dude, and dude had to barefoot shuffle through the snow to retrieve the dog.

        That’s the only thing that has made me feel warm inside all week. Asshat.

      3. MilesofMountain +3

        I knew a guy from Whitehorse who would wear sandals in the winter. To be honest, I don’t even think he was trying to impress people, he just legitimately didn’t think it was cold enough out to bother with proper shoes most of the time.

    6. winterbymorning +9

      -35 C here with the windchill and we had to evacuate the office because of a fire alarm. My rage was strong but not strong enough to keep me warm for the 45 minutes that we had to stand outside while firefighters confirmed that there was no actual fire and that the alarm had been set off by faulty sensors.

      1. Steph +2

        One of the apartment buildings near mine had a fire alarm on Tuesday night, and I don’t think anyone braved the -30s windchill. January is THE WORST.

      2. Toft +8

        I know. When fire alarms happen on days this cold, you would think the building would have the decency to actually go up in flames for once, but no.

    7. paddlepickle +1

      SO COLD. And there is SO MUCH MORE WINTER LEFT. I might be driving myself insane by figuring out exactly which two weeks of the winter I should spend in California to minimize winter misery, then panicking because two weeks is so far from adequate and winter is gonna be sooooo loooooooong uuuuuugh.

    8. blushingflower +2

      I have a 15-minute walk to the Metro, which is then followed by a 30 minute train ride. The walk is just long enough that I am warm by the time I get there, and then it is warm in the station, so the fact that I am bundled up for the walk makes the station and the train very warm. This morning I was regretting not wearing long underwear (my boots go up to just below my knees, and my coat stops at about mid-thigh, so my thighs get very cold) but adding an additional underlayer seems like a lot of work because I would have to take it off when I got to the office. I need snow pants or something (probably just wind pants would do).

    9. silverandsnow +1

      -33C with a windchill of -47C when I left for work this morning. It’s warmed up to -27C now…

    10. keristars +4

      it was windchill 21degF when I left my house today and that was basically unacceptably freezing, because this is Florida.

      yes, yes, I know you guys up north have below zero temps, but you actually have socks that cover your ankles and pants that have linings and shirts made to go underneath other shirts and also both shirts cover your shoulders and so on and so forth.

      (…this is mostly in response to people on my twitter feed, when I posted a screengab of the forecast.weather.gov details in dismay, responding with “but it’s even colder up here in the great icy north!”)

      1. keristars +1

        UPDATE

        It is LEGITIMATELY COLD here in Florida.

        We just had snow flurries blowing around and like everyone in the buildings on this street went outside to see if it was real. (Me included.) It was kind of hilarious in a self-deprecating kind of way. (I still have yet to see real snow. It snowed ~2 inches in 1989 when I was 5, but my memory for it is picture-based, so it doesn’t count.)

    11. StillT +5

      Currently 2 whole degrees (F) here in lovely mid-Michigan, with a windchill of -24. Everything is the worst.

      1. AOpp +1

        I am also in mid-Michigan! I went outside to start my car today to make sure the battery wouldn’t die from the cold, and for the second day in a row, it failed to cooperate. Yesterday, when this happened, I jumpstarted it from my husband’s car and then drove it around for half an hour to charge the battery. Today, I didn’t bother because I probably just need a new battery. In both cases, I wanted nothing more than to go back inside forever.

        1. StillT +3

          My fiancée was out of the country for the first half of last winter, and her car battery kept dying, no matter how many trips around the block I gave it to charge. I took it in to the shop thinking it must need a new battery, but they just put it on a very slow charger for a few days and it was fine. We had the advantage of nobody needing the car for a few days, but it may be worth looking into rather than having to buy a new battery.

          In any case cold + uncooperative car = the worst.

          1. AOpp +1

            Interesting… I need to take my car in for general maintenance, anyway, so I might just have them give that a try. My father-in-law also recommended checking to make sure the terminals aren’t loose. Luckily, we haven’t really needed to go anywhere for the last few days (spring semester at our university doesn’t start until Monday, although I do need to go on campus for a few things tomorrow), and I can use my husband’s car this weekend when I need to, but YES, you are correct.

            Thanks for the tip!

    13. ChloeKEvil +2

      According to my phone it feels like -28c out there. I had to go to the doctor for bronchitis today and my chest is really not happy about this weather.

    14. mirandawmeyer +3

      It’s not THAT bad here in DC, in the scheme of things (said the Boston native who went to school in Chicago), but holy shit I was not expecting anywhere this far south to get this cold. AND THEY DON’T SALT THE SIDEWALKS. I have to navigate a downhill slip ‘n’ slide of ice to get to class every morning. IRRESPONSIBLE, O NATION’S CAPITAL.

      I feel it is important to point out that yesterday neither the heat nor the electricity in my house was working, meaning that there was no way at all to produce hot anything, which made the relatively bearable 15 degree weather a lot less bearable.

      1. blushingflower +2

        Yeah. I have to remind myself that it was routinely colder in Upstate NY (where I grew up and went to college), but navigating the walk to Metro on streets and sidewalks that are not properly or uniformly cleared is no fun. I went to work on Tuesday with the snow, and I work in Georgetown, so that was an adventure. Brick sidewalks + snow are not a good equation.

    15. Beef +5

      Hello from Australia it is 2am and 105 degrees fahrenheit and there’s a thunderstorm outside so all the possums are sheltering in my roof and fighting with each other. Please send snow.

  36. amanita +13

    Mallory, have you explored the world of heirloom beans? It’s really magnificent. I recommend Purcell Mountain Farms, who also can ship you many, many kinds of grains and seeds. The best beans (so far): Anasazi, Rio Zape, butterscotch, marrow, Zuni gold. Those are only a handful of the available varieties, and they all have different flavors and textures and are so, so wonderful. And expensive. But wonderful.

  37. littlehuntingcreek +59

    No guilt for eating ducks or duck livers. They are velociraptors and would eat us if they could

    1. Either_Ada +12

      I’m pretty sure they try. I have a couple terrifying memories from when I was quite small of being chased around the playground at the city park/waterfowl reserve. I often think of them when I am eating foie gras.

    2. RuncibleSpoon +4

      true fact: geese are assholes.

      not that temperament should play a big factor in who we eat, it’s not like edibility is based on character (see pigs! can be remarkably sweet-tempered! I still eat ’em!) but it is true that geese are scary mofos and children do well to keep well away from them.

  38. mabissam +3

    Fun app
    Spider, the secret of Bryce manor https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/spider-secret-bry…

    1. leahrobinn +1

      Oh god I love this one. I replay it all the time. So sad! So satisfying! Still just tricky enough to be engaging!

      1. mabissam +1

        I wish one of the photos would wink at you, to up the haunted feel of it.

        Also, love the moths, and jumping on the wasps is great, ha!

  39. lilah80 +23

    My favorite time-wasting iPhone game is Plague Inc., and sometimes I worry that this is MORALLY QUESTIONABLE. The point of the game is to design a extinction-level disease for humanity, and anyone like me who spends an INORDINATE amount of time obsessing about historical (and future!) pandemics should really try it. You would think it would INCREASE my anxiety about diseases which will kill us all, but it is oddly soothing.

    A scenario takes on average about 15 minutes to play. You pick the country your disease will originate in, its methods of transmissions, its symptoms and characteristics, and adjust all of them as the game goes on, trying to slow progress of the human’s research into cures. Mutations automatically occur as well. And if it squicks you out and feels TOO REAL, you can also play variations like “Simian Flu” to turn the world into Planet of the Apes, or the “Necroa Virus” which makes zombies. And over Christmas they released the “Santa’s Little Helper” challenge, in which the disease you’re trying to spread is joy. It was adorable.

    Oh also, the studio which created the game is NOT made up entirely of dudes, and a woman designer is responsible for its graphics.

    1. iusuallyjustlurk +6

      I was getting more and more worried that no one would recommend this game. The joy I feel whilst annihilating the entire planet with weird infections is immeasurable.

      1. lilah80 +11

        Look, I can’t explain to outsiders WHY it’s so satisfying to accomplish a humanity-extinguishing fungal disease with its origin in a COLD climate (so much harder to infect!) or to fight to infect an island nation with a nano-virus before all sea transportation between countries ceases.

        But let me tell you, if you’ve just had a bad interaction at work with the sales department or something, shut yourself in a bathroom stall and wipe out a few countries with the Black Death. You’ll feel positively chipper.

      1. lilah80 +2

        Totally, which is why I always give myself the water-borne boost. But at least you can see those easily on the map. The one I’m always forgetting about is the Carribean. I’ll be all pleased with myself, then suddenly notice that nearly every infected person is dead, transportation has entirely ceased, and I hadn’t noticed that the Carribean was uninfected. *shakes fist*

  40. alahmnat +7

    For games you can just start and then leave alone for days if you want to (not that you’ll want to because if I click the cookie just ten more times I’ll have enough cookies to buy a thing that makes more cookies for me more quickly), there’s always Cookie Clicker…

    1. Prawns +1

      I did not clear my cache for literally a year because of that game, and although I have now stopped playing and had not thought of it since about 3 days after, I now feel a strange longing to click that cookie….. 🙁

      *hiss*

  41. lesliejroot +6

    If you don’t mind paying a few bucks for a phone/tablet game, Osmos is really beautiful and pretty low-pressure. You’re a sphere of light and you have to absorb smaller spheres while avoiding getting absorbed by big ones.

    1. jenavira +1

      SUBMACHINE. It…doesn’t really have a narrative? Or it does, but it doesn’t make sense anyway, so there’s not much point in trying to follow it.

  44. Goomaly +11

    I’m totally down for slaughtering chickens if a) they are roosters b) they are mean girls attacking/eating the other hens c) Sunday supper, but I do treat them nicely before I murder them, and if that’s hypocritical I’m okay with that.

    1. amanita +4

      Chickens eating other chickens was my least favorite part of keeping chickens. I still treating those mean cannibal ladies well, and I don’t think that’s hypocritical at all.

    2. PonyAlong +4

      Treating an animal nicely AKA humanely before slaughtering then eating it is admirable, not hypocritical (especially when involving cannibal hens, sweet baby Jeebus).

  45. Absotively +2

    Boomshine is a nice way to waste a little time. You only click once per level, and then there’s a kind of chain reaction thing with pleasant chiming sounds that fit nicely with the relaxing background music.

  46. RuncibleSpoon +10

    dude, I read the FB comments on the Los Angeles Times article about the reversal of the ban and…I do not know why I still and always read the facebook comments. There was this woman trolling everyone who gave even weak support for the idea and then this asian teenager said something like “yummy! i feel kind of sorry for the ducks tho :(” and trollwoman replied with something super racist about chinese food/chinese people.

    And just. No. A does not justify B.

    I know it’s not the right response but it made me very viscerally want to eat bacon immediately.

    1. laurenipsum +3

      Oh, thank you for this. This certainly does cleanse the palate after that other horrible dad.

    2. sednarea51 +3

      I just gobbled this down with unbridled glee. What a great article! Thanks for linking it!

    3. RuncibleSpoon +2

      this has helped reset the universe a bit. also, so well written. So much more well written than that em dash filled pretentious literary series of pen-dribblings

  48. Rianne +6

    Speaking of time waster games, who remembers jezzball?

    I tried to find a decent version of it at about 3am last night and was sorely disappointed.

    1. keristars +1

      OH MAN i loved that game also. Favorite slacking-off thing during typing class in high school (because I sat in the backrow and sometimes it got boring trying to type too fast for the old Windows95 computers to keep up with me).

      Maybe when the Internet Archive gets finished with MS-DOS games, they’ll give us a jezzball simulator.

    2. ramina +1

      JEZZBALL! YES! I know it must be out there somewhere. I found Chip’s Challenge once so I will keep my fingers crossed that someone has Jezzball ANYWHERE.

  49. donkeywork +22

    Pro-Toast and generally pro-most Toast stances, but foie gras (no no never), composting (100% of the time yes) and tiny houses (even if you have to fold me up to fit in the damn thing) constitute the tiny trio of hills I’m happy to die on, thanks. No knock on anyone else’s enjoyment or hate-joyment, though, y’all do y’all. Oh, and EMPIRE was a damn riot.

  50. LacaunaKale +1

    I’ve become addicted to pastry paradise. Yes, I will stay up too late matching pictures of strawberries, thanks for asking.

  51. mkpatter +5

    FOWL ARE CALLED THAT FOR A REASON, PEOPLE. FORCE FEED THOSE MEAN LITTLE BASTARDS AND MAKE THEM EVEN MORE DELICIOUS AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

    Also omg I forgot abotu Empire! I am DEFINTIELY WATCHING IT.

  52. MadameDakar

    Letterpress is a fantastic phone game that require unscrambling words, and tactically defending your territory. Nice name and design too.

  53. Marissa Mac

    I wish one of the photos would wink at you, to up the haunted feel of it.Also, love the moths, and jumping on the wasps is great, ha!

  54. clew

    I have similar tactics.

    I live in my city's most gay-friendly neighborhood, and have established that I may actually be invisible to pretty young gay men — they look so *surprised* when they're two abreast coming towards me, and I stay on the sidewalk, and our shoulders bump. On the other hand, butch women will *look* as if they're not dodging, and at the last possible moment we each of us maybe sway slightly to the outside and don't quite touch. Which is, like, oo, excuse me, do you dance? levels of attractive.

  57. blushingflower

    I am all about the zipper. And all about getting on the bus first, especially if everyone else is clearly a tourist, because I don't feel like waiting for other people to get their dollar bill straight enough to pay their fare and I REALLY don't want to be stuck behind people who don't understand the "move to the back of the bus" concept.

  58. LaughableWalrus

    Oh man did this just give me a whole new world of things to explore (I live in Thailand and have am only now realizing how shamefully I have neglected my heritage rice grain game.) thanks!