Happy Friday! Here is Edward G. Robinson’s second-best scene in Double Indemnity (the best one is the end, when he grimly and lovingly acknowledges Fred MacMurray’s guilt). Who but Edward G. Robinson could deliver a line like “Come now, you’ve never read an actuarial table in your life, have you?” and still sound like a force to be reckoned with?
“Now you’re an honest man again.” Have a great afternoon and turn the lights out when you’re done.
Tags: open thread
Toasties, this week I realized that Raphael Bob-Waksberg is:
1) The author of this fantastic post about gender expectations
2) The creator of Bojack Horseman (OK, I already knew that one)
3) The author of this Missed Connection
4) A reader of The Toast
Now I am perusing his Tumblr in delight.
Also my cousin’s cousin!! I met him at a wedding. He was very nice to all the children and did coloring books with them while the adults were talking, and also wore electric blue jeans to a wedding.
So many people are talking about how good that show is… and I didn’t listen. UNTIL NOW. I will binge watch tonight!
My horrible boss is still horrible, and I failed to get to the second round of a job interview for a position I wanted, and now I’m considering just flinging myself into the sea/moving to an economically depressed small town to work on a novel/having babies just for the maternity leave.
I want to hear from people who really love their jobs and tell me how you got there! PLEASE. MORALE BOOST NEEDED.
Oh! You were me, like, last year! I’d been at a company for over four years and was super unhappy there. I didn’t fit in with the office culture, I was constantly being told that I was too emotional and I felt bored and sad most of the time.
So after a few months of job searching, I got a call back from a school that I’d applied to on a total whim, and then I went through three interviews and then I GOT THE JOB. And it’s the best and the office culture is fun and supportive and my work feels fulfilling and I understand what people were talking about when they said they liked their jobs! (sidenote: even though I like my job, there are still days I don’t like going, so let’s stop with the myth that a good job means you bolt to work with enthusiasm every day!)
I think this can happen to you! It might take a bit of searching and it might take looking in an industry you wouldn’t have considered before, but you can do it!
I’m having trouble finding the balance between “it’s okay to occasionally not like some tasks and some days” and “I’ve hated this whole month but last September was awesome”. I’m trying to be realistic and not have too high expectations, but I feel like I’ve dipped the other way and I’m unhappy too often? It’s hard to tell
I worked at a job I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATED and then one day I walked out of it and suddenly had no job and no savings and 1/8th of a tank of gas.
Now I’m in the best job of my entire life. I had to switch fields and be willing to temp and apply at weird places – but I had decided I was not, not ever, going back to the field and type of role that had made me so unhappy. So much of job hunting is just not getting discouraged (too much – of course job hunting feels discouraging sometimes) and sticking it out.
You can do it! I believe in you!
I applied for a job I was 100% convinced I was underqualified for, because a friend convinced me to leave that decision to the hiring committee. Also, I sent my bare bones resume to my sister and let her work her resume magic on it.
Eighteenth century-loving Toasties! Have any of you read Amanda Foreman’s biography of Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire? It has been the SALVATION of my subway commute and wintry evenings. Next up, I’m thinking of reading one of Fanny Burney’s novels. I shockingly haven’t read her yet, despite my proclivities. Should I start with Cecilia or Evelina?
Oh, that’s such a hard call! Evelina is more accessible, but if you’re interested in toxic masculinity, Cecilia is far and away the better choice.
Both are awesome. Read both. Best way to spend January.
And then read Camilla.
IDK about Fanny Burny, but for non fiction try “The Courtiers” by Lucy Worsley.
Another non-fiction suggestion: Stella Tillyard’s Aristocrats. Like Amanda Foreman’s Georgiana, has been turned into film.
I have NOT read it, but I WISH to read it, and I did recently re-watch the Keira Knightley movie version, so I’m glad to hear it’s so good!
I JUST read this book and I could not stop talking about it to everyone, even though it just baffled and bored them. I was always pleased in my 18th century studies when Georgiana came up, but had no idea of the full extent of both her awesomeness and her tragedy.
As for Burney, I have read her whole oeuvre and most of her books just stress me out. It’s all the high social awkwardness of a woman never really being able to say “no” without being punished, but also being punished for failing to say it. My heart rate remains elevated for the whole 600 pages of whichever novel it is. However, I have a deep love of The Wanderer, which is her last book. It is more or less about how being a woman outside of the patriarchal culture means being a woman without an identity at all. It’s much less stressful for me to read, since there’s less story about a woman being dragged around the social scene, higgledy piggeldy, whether she will or no. But it’s also much more melancholic, a.k.a high Romantic Emo. I don’t know if it’s everyone’s cup of tea, but if it is, you’ll drink the whole teapot. Failing that, go with Evelina–it’s the shortest.
The high social awkwardness is actually why I really love Burney — it’s such a searing critique of all the horrid failures of patriarchal society. And so many different examples of men who utterly fail to live to the expectations of the patriarchy. (I can talk a lot about masculinity in Burney..)
I like Burney and her critiques of masculinity and patriarchy are amazing–but the stress her heroines feel is written so persuasively. Learning to say no or defend my personal space/bodily autonomy is my especial struggle. The social awk scenes make me feel like I’m gonna empathy-barf.
I can sympathize — her writing is incredibly vivid, and still translates depressingly well to contemporary situations.
I really really offended my high school boyfriend by telling him that he reminded me of Edgar Mandlebert and making him read Camilla. He did not take kindly to the comparison (which was surprisingly apt).
You made him work hard to catch that shade. Well-played!
Well, fifteen-year-old me thought Edgar and my boyfriend were both awesome (don’t ask). Age and critical thinking skills made me realize otherwise.
This exchange has me even more intrigued by Burney than ever! Thanks!
as my prof said to our 18th century survey course to inspire us to finish Evelina:
there’s a monkey.
If you are into 18th century novels, you should read ASSAULTED AND PURSUED CHASTITY. The title and the first 20 or so pages are a lecture about Never Leaving Home, but it is all a RUSE to fool nosy parents. As soon as the novel actually starts, the main character gets kidnapped by pirates, sold into a brothel, puts a bullet in her first potential john, and then RUNS AWAY TO THE OPEN SEA.
also there are cannibals and war and almost 99% canonical lesbians. It is the greatest.
OMG that sounds amazing. I will look on Google Books for it!
Oooh, I loved Foreman’s Georgiana. I have an extreme fondness for biographies of interesting historical women. Have you read any of Antonina Fraser’s books? My favourites are The Weaker Vessel (about women in 17th century England) and Warrior Queens. (She has also written a contemporary mystery series, because why not. And she was married to Harold Pinter.)
I love The Weaker Vessel! I read it at very formative age, about twelve or thirteen, and I think it warped me for life.
Evalina! There’s a wonderful first-novel enthusiasm bursting out of it–“okay, now let me get THIS off my chest! And THIS!” Plus, it may be lower on the toxic masculinity spectrum, but it’s top of the pole in terms of “oh my embarrassing relatives.”
My ultimate goal in life is to write and produce an Evelina movie or mini-series.
YES HELLO 18TH CENTURY STUDIES PHD ALL UP IN HERE.
For non-fiction, I really, really recommend anything by Amanda Vickery. ‘The Gentlemen’s Daughter’ is a study of genteel women’s lives in northern England, and reconstitutes their experiences through letters and diaries. It covers the kind of thing that used to be dismissed as ‘not history’: their marriages, childbearing, homes and interiors, social networks etc. Quoting the actual letters is so effective, because you realise how modern most of their concerns sound, and it’s very personal and emotional.
Her newest-ish book is ‘Behind Closed Doors’, which looks at home design and interiors in Georgian England. It does a fantastic job of analysing things through the lens of gender and class, and in general she just writes really well, in a way that’s scholarly but totally readable and fun.
Also, check out Vic Gatrell’s ‘City of Laughter’, which is about comic and satirical prints in 18th century London (the thesis topic of yrs truly), as it’s full of Rude Bits e.g. bottoms.
Period novels – I LOVE ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ by de Laclos – only ever read it in the English translation but it is so good and well-paced and smart. Smollet’s ‘Humphrey Clinker’ is also awesome and still manages to be funny 250 years later.
Thank you so much for these tips! Your thesis sounds amazing.
Toasties, it smells like kielbasa in here and I don’t have any, and that is an egregious sin.
I’m so excited for this weekend. I started off on the wrong foot at work this week, but things are looking up (sometimes a come to Jesus is all you need, right?) and I’m going to be working on sewing, going to my niece’s birthday party, and a friend from high school’s bridal shower.
Also, crafty thread? This is one of the quickie costumes I’ve been working on, my femme!Space Dandy! I’m in the middle of sewing what is essentially a prom dress right now for another costume so I needed something quick and fun. It’s not quite done (need the accessories and patches on the jacket) but here goes!
Costume progress: substantial, bathroom cleanliness progress: not so much.
AMAZING *heart eyes*
SPAAAACE DANDY! ahaaha we just discovered this show and watched ALL of it we could find on netflix. Brilliant costume.
You are seriously the cutest, and you have the best hair.
Between my cat, my computer, and now my car (in the shop right this second, when is the mechanic going to call meeeeee, I have been sitting in this coffee shop for yeeeeeeeears), 2015 is poised to become The Year I Hemorrhaged Money! wooooo
Saaaame! Except mine are all for really small things that add up, like needing new glasses and contacts since my vision has changed and suddenly having really expensive phone bills.
Guys I scraped our car against the side of our building the other day, which sounds (and feels) like such a Dumb Woman Driver thing to do, ugh, people keep asking what happened and I feel so judged. Which I should be, because it was a dumb thing to do, but it’s not because I’m a woman, it’s because I’m a dumbass. I mean, okay, maybe being 5’2″ and thus unable to see the same things from the driver seat that other people can see has something to do with it, MAYBE. But mostly I am dumb and our driveway is stupid and narrow.
Anyway it’s just some scrapes and ONE dent and the body shop was like, ehh, prolly $1800. Jesus fucking Christ.
Jesus murphy, that sucks, I’m sorry! I just barely backed into a parked car last summer at <5mph and the other car was a write off, so I relate. 🙁 I feel like such a moron, I just didn’t see it there and I didn’t stop until I felt it.
Bodywork prices are balls-out ridonkulous. I get that there’s a lot involved and they often need to replace large parts entirely, but the ROI is laughable. Only a few months after I got my car my then-apartment manager cracked the bumper pulling it out of a snowdrift. He said he’d pay for it, but then the estimate ended up being $900, and I just couldn’t.
You are not dumb, you made a mistake, it is an easy mistake to make or it would not be so common, and those people judging you should go jump in cold lakes until they calm down. It is not like being judged and stressed and anxious and embarassed makes people do a BETTER job driving.
We have scraped every single car we’ve ever owned, and with one of them it was like within a week of getting it. It is annoying and embarassing but oh well, the car still works.
My husband knocked the side mirror off the car we share and just shrugged it off! Tt’s just a thing, you’re still okay. I like that attitude 🙂
So glad open thread time is here. Work rant ahoy!
My boss is terrible at work-life balance stuff and I’m really burnt out and I keep trying to remind myself that quitting with nothing lined up is a Bad Idea but I am really hitting a wall here. I’m a VERY private person at the best of times, and this is just making me insane. None of the stuff that comes up outside of working hours is an emergency, ever, except in the minds of the idiots who call me with them. I submitted an application for a job that looks really great but I am worried I’m over-educated for it. UGH I’m sick and tired of my shitty awful job and my disorganized, no boundaries boss, and I feel so trapped and sad. My town has like, zero jobs open (unless you are a nurse).
Yeah, I just handed in my notice today to a job like that. I’m so sorry — it’s so frustrating to work evenings and weekends all the time for no good reason.
Can you find another job that you can do remotely? Like, something that you could do from home? Or, how does your boss react to you setting boundaries? Like, can you say that “I’m not going to be available via phone this weekend — I can handle any issues that come up on Monday morning”? Or does that not go over well?
What are the consequences for just *not* answering the phone/email/whatever until next time you’re in the office?
Are you salaried? I think that’s where the line gets blurred. I’m hourly and if someone from work calls me about something and it’s going to take more than fifteen minutes to do, I can be like NOPE catch you later.
Yeah any time I try to set boundaries about stuff outside of work hours, I get told “that’s just how the job is.” Except….it’s so not. One of the reasons we are always scrambling at the last minute before big events is because he can’t keep to deadlines, which he doesn’t see as important because he doesn’t mind working at all hours or being on call all the time. We have a fundamental disagreement over how to run the events because they are religious in nature and he wants to allow as many people in as possible and never have or enforce deadlines, but that leads to these exact last-minute “emergency” situations. I don’t mind working the evenings and weekends for the actual events, but he expects me to be “on call” for a vague and fuzzy number of days beforehand (including this weekend and the holiday on Monday) and I just……can’t anymore. I can’t. The work is too exhausting and intrusive and it’s not remotely in my background and also I’m an atheist, soooo. Yeah.
My coworker recommended I get HR involved to do some mediation before I quit because the last person quit for exactly these reasons. I don’t know — I feel like that’s totally pointless and it’ll just be more of the same “well that’s just how this job is” bullshit.
My last supervisor was like that – we did 90% of every job in the final 4% of the time because he couldn’t manage a schedule. I would just pre-work while he was dithering, because I could see what was coming, and it flipped him out. I told him (in our review) and his boss (after that) that I thought he had really poor management skills compared to anyone else I’d worked for — and it didn’t do that much good but I felt better having reported it and if there was an HR dept to go to I’d have done that too. I wish you the best of luck if you throw in the towel. He probably won’t change – but if you’re going to have a job you don’t like, it might as well be nine to five and stop there.
Yay, open thread! I was waiting for this one, because, well, I kinda wanna brag, if that’s not too unseemly. Because while I have a responsible job and all that, for a while I tried to be a pop culture journalist, and well, that didn’t really take off. Apparently, though, that’s because you should give all the networking two years to ferment!
So now, aside from the superbusy job, I’m also doing a lot of film stuff on the side (for example, speaking of Double Indemnity, I do video intros on youtube in Dutch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_lTm5qIROU), and I’ve been asked to pick a movie for the film festival in Rotterdam and to make a “visual introduction” for that. And now the whole selection has been announced and I’m feeling a little intimidated (some of the other critics have written whole books about film! And crafted tons of gorgeous video-essays, while I’m just figuring out Premiere Pro for this!), and worried that I made the most mainstream solution, but I’m also really excited about getting to do this.
The movie I picked is Lynn Shelton’s Laggies, btw. It’s all about Keira Knightley being scared of becoming an adult, and it’s quite lovely. There’s a tortoise. And Sam Rockwell.
MY CAT HAS LOST HER MIND HELP. Yesterday she suddenly started hissing and growling at her sister and I separated them and I got the Feliway going but I’m so worried that she won’t get over it and omg omg my little cat sob. She gets wound up and angry because of the goddamned cat that roam the neighborhood and antagonize them through the Window and shit in our yard and it’s horrid.
And I HATE MY JOB and my boss wants us to start making fifty fucking cold calls every day and I want to cry. I want a new job so badly because this one is making me want to cry at my desk.
My husband has been gone this week and he’s back tonight and I’m just going to fucking unload on him when he gets home because I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE.
I can’t even participate in open thread properly because we have no internet at work and I have to do this on my phone.
Probably worth taking cat to the vet to check she’s not in pain – that is the number one cause of them suddenly being arsey with their siblings. The other thing is the other cats causing her stress and making her feel defensive and vulnerable (which is also what being in pain does). Can you get proactive with a water pistol and try to make your yard a less pleasant place for InterloperCat?
Sympathy for the rest of it as well!
I called the vet and they even told me to wait a week or so and see if it got any better before bringing her in. She’s fine with humans and eating and drinking and excreting normally, eyes and nose and ears all check out, so we’ll wait before dropping a hundred bucks on tests to hear “she’s just stressed.” I wish we could deter the damn cats from our yard but there’s no easy way as it isn’t fenced and we can’t scare them away quickly. I have to investigate some chemical repellent.
That’s a shame – over here they’re normally quite happy to have a poke and if nothing obvious, send you away with a bottle of metacam and see if a week on it makes a difference. Hopefully the feliway will be enough to tip her back over the edge.
Hooking up a movement-triggered air spray and noise making system is not as hard as it sounds — and no harmful chemicals, yay! Just buy a can or two of this stuff, and set them up near doorways or windows, wherever your neighbor’s cats are spraying or staying. http://www.amazon.com/Contech-StayAway-Motion-Act…
If you know for sure that there are non-neutered males spraying around the perimeter of your home (and it really sounds like they are), then purchase a gallon of odor eliminator (enzyme type is usually best) and treat the outside of your home.
An additional option is to block your cat from seeing outdoors. Sad, I know, but it can help.
Significantly cheaper (and also sold on Amazon) is SSSCAT Cat Training Aid–I can attest that it trained my cats to keep off the counters and table quite quickly.
I’ve also seen motion-detecting water sprayers for sale at Canadian Tire. I don’t know where you’d get them in the US but I’m sure somewhere has them. Maybe gardening stores?
Can you make a game out of cold calling? Maybe a bingo card of common responses?
Oh, no, I’m so sorry — cold calls are some of the hardest things to do. I hope it gets better soon and you find an incredibly awesome job!
Friends of mine had a similar problem with their two sibling cats and an antagonizing outdoor cat. Their solution was separation, gradual reintroduction, and pouring the juice from canned tuna on them so they have to clean it off each other.
i don’t know how big your yard is but…
i once had a problem with strays using the bare dirt beneath my bushes as a littler box. i mixed together black pepper, cayenne pepper, and ground cinnamon, then sprinkled it HEAVILY under the bushes. their sensitive noses were offended and they stopped doing it.
maybe you can try some of that to keep the stupid neighborhood cats out of your yard?
Can you try giving her Zylkene? When I adopted Buttface from the shelter, we were given a month’s supply and told to put one in her food every day, because she’s v. nervous to the point of having behavioural problems (or was, when we got her). It’s a milk-protein something-or-other which calms kitties down, and it seemed to work even better than Feliway. http://www.zylkenepet.co.uk/
GUYS I PASSED MY NURSING BOARD EXAM YESTERDAY!!!! I LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO STUDY AND I FEEL LIKE I WEIGH MAYBE 10 OUNCES IT’S SO AWESOME.
and the Best Boo is truly the best, he accompanied me to my exam, hung out at a cafe whilst I took it, and then picked me up afterwards and we spent the day together iN fabulous idleness. One of my favorite parts of the day was when I said “I’m not sure what I’m gonna do tonight..” and he replied “you don’t HAVE to do anything.” and I was all “yeahhhh… YOU’RE RIGHT FUCK YES!!!” It’s literally been about 3 years since I’ve felt that way.
In anxiety news, having this test behind me def helps, but what helped several days before the exam was upping my vitamin D dosage… about 3 days after making the change I found that my brain was calmer and not trying to tear itself to pieces nearly as much, which gave me the wherewithal to do more supportive activities to strengthen myself. YAY!
Thanks so much for all your commiseration and sharing about anxiety struggles… it really helps to know you’re not alone <3
Hooray hooray congratulations!!
Woohoo!
Congratulations!! You rock!
I am so happy for you!
Hoooray!! Congrats!! You rock!
Also, soooooo jealous- two more licensing exams to go over here (architecture). Just two more…
Wait, you didn’t burst into tears as soon as it was over? That is the normal response to NCLEX exam taking no matter what the result. Congratulations! Being a nurse is the best! I’m taking the ACNP exam in the next couple weeks and I keep bemoaning the taking of more certification exams in my lifetime.
Hello Toaties! Drynuary is halfway over! How are you all feeling?
I’m finding this year is easier than years past. I was started to do well with exercising when I got bronchitis. I literally just had it around Thanksgiving, and it’s the worst thing ever.
I’m doing good! Once or twice I have absentmindedly reached for a bottle of booze without thinking about it but have come to my senses before actually closing my hand around it. I was also given a present of booze at my last D+D sesh which I really want but am saving.
And then we went and scheduled our next game session for JAN 31ST which was dumb of me but I guess I will survive and have a celebratory drink if we make it to midnight.
Yes! Me and my friends who do Drynuary always have a midnight drink on the 31st/1st.
I did not make it even a week. 🙁 But we are not keeping any wine around during the week and therefore not drinking on weeknights, which I think will persist past January, and which is a good change.
I’ve made a few bargains that I’m not super proud of – my husband and I (doing it together) had a date and other plans for the first weekend, and I went visiting a dear girlfriend the next, and tomorrow we’re seeing his horrible bio-dad, and we need to drink after that…. We’ve been great weekenights though!
As I introduced the “Winter is terrible” thread last week, I’d like to share two things that are making me feel much, much better about the whole winter. One is free and one is not.
Free: ALL THE HARRY POTTER AUDIOBOOKS ON YOUTUBE. Pretty sure listening to all of them while slogging along at work will last me at least into February. AND I had no idea that Stephen Fry had done all the UK versions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fbwvN_AfWM
Not free: THE BEST COAT. I swear this thing is made of some kind of magical cold-weather Mithril. It doesn’t just feel like I’m protected from the cold, it feels like it’s 20 degrees warmer out. http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-lightweig…
What’s working for you, fellow winter-haters?
I just bought something at Joann Fabric last night called the “Happy Lamp” and I am really, really hoping that it will help out. I haven’t had a chance to test it yet!
I’ve been using one for a few weeks and I think it’s helping! Good luck!
I just got regifted one of these from my dad (who, in dad fashion, had already built his own 20 years ago) and I’m… not sure I’m using it right? Like, is there a time of day you’re supposed to be using it? How directly do you have to be looking at it? I’ve just been turning it on before bed and doing my nightly reading by its light, but that somehow seems wrong.
What I’ve heard is that it’s best to use it in the morning or daytime because otherwise it could mess with your sleep. And it’s supposed to be pretty close to your face, and directed at you but not so that you’re staring directly into it. I’ve been reading by it’s light in the mornings.
That’s the advice I got when I first started (the advice came from the health and counseling center at my college, so it’s likely legit).
a good coat would definitely make my winter less awful. What a fantastic price!!!!
as mentioned upthread, vitamin D is pulling me out of my winter-hate, bit by bit. (ymmv, check with your dr, etc).
But also, my mom got me delicious hot chocolate accoutrements for Christmas, and I finally delved into them last week. WHOAH. game changer, for real.
I dunno if you drink alcohol, but a bit o’ Bailey’s in the hot chocolate is pure heaven. It makes me feel sophisticated and decadent!
I doooo drink alcohol in moderation, and that sounds delightful! I feel like a splash of cointreau would have a similar effect…?
I add cointreau and stir with a fancy cinnamon candy stick. It is completely and utterly blissful.
Oooooh I think that’s this year’s version of the coat I bought a few years ago when I was still in college in Ohio. It was the first time I realized it’s possible to go outside in the dead of Midwest winter and NOT feel like your death is imminent.
Last year I knit the World’s Most Giantest, Plushest, Orange-est scarf known to humanity, and it’s huge and warm and VERY ORANGE, so while I slog through the miserable grey Chicago winter, at least one item I own is bright and colorful and nice.
Also thanks for the coat rec — my current winter coat is my ex-roommate’s (she left it behind for me when she moved to California) and I want something that is Mine and fits me properly, heh.
I’d just like to give a shout out to Origin’s Drink Up moisture masque and skin-so-soft baths for making me much less skin-peely/ gross/ cranky during this trying time of cold weather.
Lately I’ve been so glad I have a sunrise alarm clock. It was ridiculously expensive for an alarm clock but it helps so damn much.
Using my fireplace every day. Occasionally supplementing with candles.
Giant hats! This is the winter of amazing faux fur hats. I got a cossack hat and a Spirit Hood for Christmas and I’ve been wearing them 24/7. I’m like eight years behind the trends and no desire to go to Coachella but whatever, having a big furry wolf head on my head is amazing, and the admiring looks I receive from the “girls under five-years-old” demographic out shopping totally re-affirms my winter fashion choices. Also warm ears. Cannot recommend that enough.
I bought a different Lands End down coat a few years ago and it was an absolute game changer. It’s so cozy and just feels like walking around in a bubble of warmth. I moved somewhere without terrible winters so it mostly sits in my closet, but I was perversely pleased to go to Boston over Christmas and get to break it out again (mostly so I didn’t freeze to death, since moving away from New England has made me a huge wimp about winter).
Tea in the morning has been getting me through (as discussed earlier this wk). Also PODCASTS. In the morning when its dark and the world is cold and covered in ice, its nice to have someone talk to me gently in a 1-sided convo to wake my brain. Also also– house slippers lined w faux fur from Restoration Hardware.
Oh my god I ordered those slippers and they went out of stock in between the time I put them in my cart and checked out I AM STILL SO HEARTBROKENNN.
I am generally a winter lover, but my winter got extra great this year when my dogs (with help from my husband, I assume) got me a giant plush robe (in a beautiful color) and shearling slippers for solstice gifts. Now those are the only things I wear when I’m at home.
I’ve also been using lots of bright, fresh flavors in cooking- lots of citrus, mango, cilantro, etc.
Electric blanket every night while I sleep (heated up ahead of time while I shower) and my puffy long coat from LL Bean. And, honestly, a lot of fantasizing about the sleeveless tanks and sandals I’ll wear to work in the summer.
Oh also I repeat “I FUCKING HATE WINTER” to myself under my breath while I walk in between the train and my office and my house and it doesn’t HELP, necessarily, but it gets some of the aggression out.
I am so tempted to get that coat even though I do NOT need it where I live! I want to just have it around in case I go somewhere cold one day.
Hi Toasties! Have any of you ever up and moved across the country? My partner and I are considering switching coasts (from east to west) but aren’t quite sure how to go about it. Do you fly out there for a week to do a mad scramble for jobs and housing? Or do you apply to jobs from the comfort of your home and then offer to fly out for interviews? Do you simply pack everything into a truck and then throw caution to the wind? Moving and jobs seem to be a chicken-and-egg situation… Any anecdotes or advice would be much appreciated!
I moved the opposite direction (for about a year) and took the throw caution to the wind approach, however with some caveats: 1) I moved out with a friend so I already had a roommate 2) I was fresh out of college so had no real attachments and not much stuff.
Whereabouts on the West coast would you be moving?
Hopefully to CA? My dude’s parents live out there already so that is definitely helpful, I just don’t want to like…move in with them since they’re a bit wacky. But maybe we could have them do the apartment hunting for us or something??
I will say in our situation, it definitely helped that we had a local friend in San Diego who gave us some advice on which neighborhoods we might want to look into. And then it was a mad dash for apartment hunting, but at least it narrowed it down somewhat. And we had a couch to crash on for a few days while we hunted.
Agreed, having someone local to give you advice is a big help. In my case, my friend was moving out for grad school, so the program helped find good places to live, etc.
If you are moving to LA, plan to be looking for an apartment about 2 weeks or so in advance. I’ve heard that in other cities you have to look much earlier, but here (at least on the westside), it seems that buildings often show the apartments when they are almost ready to go/other tenants have left/etc. My friend in Boston said you have to look for places several MONTHS ahead of time, which just seems crazy to me, but would also be nice for long-term planning types.
I don’t think it’d be LA, since I’m more into the idea of northern CA. LA seems too cool for me!! I’m actually in Boston now, and in my experience you have to look about a month or a month and a half in advance here. But I do like when I get a good amount of time to figure things out!
Oh yeah, month or month and a half is way more reasonable than what he was saying (like 3ish months).
You don’t have to be cool to live in LA! Well, maybe on the east side, you do. West LA is way less city-like, which I appreciate. I’m a total LA-vangelist and try to convince everyone to live here, so there is a clear bias at play.
Oh you are moving to NorCal? Just buy a field and grow pot job problem solved! 🙂
THE DREAM
NOT ALL NORTHERN CALIFORNIANS
I haven’t moved across the country, other than for school, but I have moved 16 hours north (which wasn’t far enough to even leave the province because Canada) which is still a long way. I applied to jobs from the comfort of my home. It meant I did a lot of telephone/video conference interviews and had one place fly me out and another offer me a job without actually meeting face to face. I think it’s important to include something about how you are already planning to move to the new city in your cover letter to show that you’re serious.
I was moving to a university town in the summer, so I got a one-month rental of an empty dorm room from the university while I looked for places, I had another coworker stay with very generous people from their new job for a week while they looked (although it’s not like you can ask for this or assume people will offer I guess), and I know a couple who flew up for two days, looked at two dozen houses, and then bought one in a mad scramble. All three ways seem to have worked out, so I guess just do whatever seems likely to work best in your situation?
The dudefriend moved from Chicago to Boston with a job lined up, but no apartment, and we flew out for a weekend and did a mad three-day Craigslist scramble to find him a place. I tried applying for jobs remotely but didn’t really have any luck so ended up moving out a year later and just applying from there. It’s much harder to get a job if you have a non-local address on your resume, I think, and the process is so slow. It was hard, I didn’t really know anyone else there at first and it took me like 9 months to finally get a job (though Boston is not a great scene for my industry), but I think it was totally worth it. I am totally in favor of the “chuck it all and go” strategy!
I moved across the country (Victoria to Ottawa) in my second year of university, as a 21 year old. I arranged an apartment sight unseen (that turned out to be HORRIBLE) and just got on the bus. I wasn’t in a position to find a very good job, but I got on at Starbucks and settled pretty quickly.
My fiance (girlfriend at the time) and I moved from DC to San Diego. We first decided on a region of the country we wanted to move (SoCal), then started applying for jobs. We decided that whichever city we both got jobs in would be where we would move. It turned out that I got the job first, and I was going to move out there while she stayed in DC until she found one in San Diego, too. It turned out that while we were driving across the country to move me out West, she received a job offer, so it really, really worked out with perfect timing.
I would highly recommend having at least one of you with a job lined up before making the move.
Wow it does sound like your timing worked out perfectly! We would definitely only go if one of us had a job… I can’t imagine getting out there and being unemployed. I hope we have the same luck you do!!
I moved from North Carolina to NYC about 5 years ago, with an apartment lined up (a former coworker’s then-roommate was moving out to get married) but no job. My first full day there was spent unpacking, and my second full day was spent pounding signing up at temp agencies. I found temp jobs pretty quickly but it took almost 2 full years (2010-2012, so still pretty recession-y, even here) to find something I LOVED.
I moved Boston to Chicago with a job but only a 1-month sublet – finding housing was super-easy. The thing that made it notable is that I moved *by train* b/c it was cheaper than a one-way plane ticket. Most of my stuff I sent by Fedex (sold all furniture, still was about $400). My epic train journey still remains a good anecdote, and it was pretty fun as I had sorted out 2 series of Dexter to watch on my laptop over the 26 hour journey.
A sublet is a great idea! Then we could leave our stuff at my dude’s parents’ place while we took a bit of extra time for house-hunting.
Also, your train ride sounds excellent. Trains are the best!
It is really a great anecdote, b/c all Americans say it’s simultaneously the most and the least American way to move out west. (I’m not American) Only thing I would have done differently is brought a blanket, b/c in the height of summer the air-con on Amtrak trains is turned way down, so much so that I was shivering in jeans & a sweater & had to pull towels out of my luggage to warm myself up.
I moved from Portland to upstate NY with my girlfriend back in 2011–we were able to find a place to live before we got out there (there were nine-month rentals in the place we were moving to that were essentially defacto student housing for students in her program), and she had a work-study position as part of her financial aid, plus we both had savings, so we were able to squeak by on that for a few months while I madly applied for jobs.
To get out there, we drove cross-country, which I’d recommend if you can–it’s a lot of fun. Our route was based mostly on how long we wanted to drive per day and where we had friends willing to put us up (out of six nights on the road, we only stayed in hotels twice).
Good luck, and I hope you both love the Best Coast–I miss it terribly.
If you are thinking of moving to the Bay Area we are happy to answer detaily questions if you end up having any. 🙂
Thank you that’s so nice of you! At this point my next step is researching jobs – hooray 🙁
Yeah, I packed all my shit into my car and drove across the country last year. After what turned out to be a two month detour in Austin, I ended up in New Orleans with very little money, but was able to get a service industry job right away.
It was a good decision for me in many many many ways (mostly, I just needed to get out of the PNW), but I don’t have a partner, I had somewhere to crash in both Texas and Louisiana, and I had low expectations about what kind of job I’d be able to get right off the bat.
I probably won’t move again without I have a place to live lined up and either more money than before or at least a few interviews lined up.
my boyfriend and i are moving from portland, oregon, to NYC! he moved two months ago, and i will be joining him next month. he secured his job via numerous skype interviews – no flying necessary! – and i hope to do the same. he will be finding us housing, and i will be shipping our things out there, likely via amtrak. amtrak is the cheapest shipping option overall, and since we move around quite a lot we are not taking any furniture with us.
i would recommend subletting as a great way to complete your move and buy time to find decent digs, or possibly airbnb, if you have the budget for it.
Hey Toasties!
So I’ve been having a real tough time of it this past week. I just got a celiac diagnosis and I’ve been struggling to accept it and make the changes I need to, but it’s been really hard. I’ve always been such a foodie and it’s one of the few things that’s always made me really happy (baking, try new restaurants, meeting with friends for good beer).
Have any of you had to deal with this? Any messages of hope out there? Any really good gluten free beer to try????
Are you Twitter pals with @slowseptember?
To answer my own question, it looks like you’re not! I’ll give her a ping.
One of my best friends has been celiac since just out of high school. A few years ago she was lamenting about not having a good soft pretzel in a really long time, so we looked up a gluten-free recipe and made them ourselves, which was one of the coolest things we’ve ever done.
Luckily (?) with gluten free being somewhat of a trend now, it’s a lot easier to find GF baking supplies (so many different flours!) so that one isn’t entirely for nought! I should see her this weekend, so I’ll ask her for any advice she may have for a new diagnosee and ping you on Twitter 🙂
My friend Erin is a baker and foodie who abandoned gluten ca.7 years ago and still loves the rich world of eating and making meals. Her blog is https://bigsislittledish.wordpress.com. Do you have access to an Indian grocery store? That’s where I get the widest variety of GF/alternative flours.
My Dad (who has celiac) swears by “Promise” brand bread — it’s made in Ireland, is newly available in Canada (not sure about the US), and it’s the closest he’s found to wheat bread (and he’s tried a *lot* of breads). I think it’s pretty pricey, but given that most non-wheat breads are…. not great, it’s worth it. Toasting non-wheat bread before eating is a must, regardless of what type of bread.
As for restaurants, it can be tricky (especially places frequented by people who’re treating it as a fad diet), but it’s doable. Places that specialize in food from cultures where the dominant grain is rice tend to be easier to negotiate.
As for beer, I haven’t tried it, but if you’re in Montreal, Helm has a glutenfree beer. (Glutenburg Blonde, I think it’s called)
You can do it! It is way easier now than it was even a decade ago!
First of all, friend, I am so sorry. Because while on the whole, this is a Not The End of the World diagnosis – oh boy, does it suck at first. And it’s okay to be pissed about it sucking.
HOWEVER! Are you ever getting diagnosed at the right time. The world is really coming into its own regarding understanding of celiac disease, for which I am eternally thankful.
Where do you live, if I may ask? I live in a biggish Canadian city, and I am pleased to tell you that while it takes a bit of time for you to get used to, you can absolutely be a celiac foodie. I consider myself one. My brother’s girlfriend is an excellent gluten-free baker, I am a restaurant devotee, and there are even reportedly good gluten-free beers (although I just switched to hard liquor or wine, haha).
I was never a big beer fan before my diagnosis, so I’ve been fine going the Strongbow cider route if I ever need a kind of ‘equivalent’, but my (also-celiac) brother drinks Glutenberg and likes it fine.
(I could write a novel about this).
Places to start: Gluten-Free on a Shoestring (cookbook). Gluten Dude (FB page and website). Carol Blymire’s Alinea at Home and Gluten for Punishment websites (Alinea at Home is a cook-through blog, but she wrote a lot about celiac and workarounds in it, and I find it very inspiring. They’re both on hiatus now, but they’re good reading). Make yourself a card you can give to waiters.
And take heart, my friend. Your life is gonna change, but you are going to feel SO, SO much better. And sometimes when you figure out a workaround or you find a sandwich place that can make you a GF sandwich and make it so you don’t get cross-contaminated or you find a restaurant that has a whole printed menu for you and a manager that comes out to review their kitchen procedures without you even trying – you feel like a food million bucks.
I have written one review for gfyyc.com and have a couple more in the works, so this is a bit self-promotional – but Gluten Free Calgary doesn’t only cover Calgary, it also does recipes and general celiac knowledge, so check it out if you like.
Email me at rsl dot sprung at gmail dot com for more. I can talk about this for days and days. I’m celiac, my mom’s celiac, my bro’s celiac, two of my aunts and two of my uncles are celiac, a large percentage of my cousins….
Thank you so, so much for this. My mom and sister have gluten allergies, but they don’t have to worry about the cross-contamination thing like I do now. I’m so grateful for the support you and everyone else is giving me here.
I live in San Diego, aka one of the capitals of the microbrewing world, which is part of why the beer thing is so huge for me. Theres beer at EVERYTHING, and there’s usually cider too, I just really like good beer. There are a few places here that are getting better at serving GF food, but we’re still more of a vegan city (unlike LA which is a gluten free haven).
Anyway, I’m trying to see it as a way of making me feel better physically rather than a loss. It’s just a big adjustment.
I am glad I could help a little 🙂
Like I said, I am certainly available to chat more at any time – just email me, as I’m not around the comments much anymore. (My name is Rae haha)
Maybe you already know about this, but Omission beer is quite good! As far as I know it’s available all over the West Coast.
Yes, that’s one of the ones that’s been mentioned. I also know Stone has just started putting one out that’s more or less sold out all over the place, so I’m going to try and track that one down too 🙂
I don’t know if the relaxes BC-Alberta alcohol rules have made it easier to get BC alcohol in Calgary yet, but if you get the chance to try either Merridale Cider or Sea Cider they do some really excellent traditional ciders! Most of the them are very dry (except Merridale’s Cyser and Sea Cider’s Rumrunner) so they take a bit of getting used to but they are definitely worth a try.
Thanks!
Envoyé de m
Oh these ciders. They are so amazing. have you tried Meri-Berry? It’s a dry apple with blackberry cider and it is easily their best.
So I am currently obsessed with this recipe which apparently comes from Alice Medrich’s new gluten-free baking book. I’m just going to recommend that book based on this recipe (which I have now made three times, don’t judge me).
Hey there! I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I think you will start feeling better soon emotionally because gluten consumption can lead to mood disorders in people with celiac. I am myself celiac and have been gluten free for two years now. There are times when it’s harder but overall, I’m fine with it. I am a really good cook and baker now–I was always pretty good, but celiac really forced me to up my game. So there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, which is that you will be a more legit foodie than ever before. Can I ask–what kind of food do you like? What kind of food does your family make, and what’s your heritage? (If you don’t mind me asking! I ask because many culinary traditions didn’t actually use wheat that often til recently. So it’s possible to remake your favourite dishes to be gf.)
Before I get to the practical, here are some tips for blogs, etc. that will make you feel better about being GF.
1.) Check out blogs–Gluten Free Girl; David Lebovitz (he’s not gf but he has mad respect for us GF people); Gluten-Free Pantry, Gluten-Free Recipe Box, etc. I, Asshole is a great blog and the blogger there was recently diagnosed celiac. She posts amazing experiments with Victorian recipes.
2.) Italy–it’s great for gf options. Check out Italian blogs, instagram accounts, etc. You will see some of the most beautiful pastries in the world. It’s been a huge consolation to me that the country with the best food in the world is also very gf-friendly. If you search for ‘celiachia’ on instagram or ‘senza glutine’ you will see some great stuff.
3.) Beer–I like Quebec buckwheat beer, but I am not a huge beer person.
4.) Mexican food–it’s really good, it’s usually GF, and the cilantro.
5.) You will discover socca and buckwheat crepes. (If you don’t know them.)
6.) You will never have to go out for a crap meal at a boring chain resto again (unless you want to–chain restos often have backup gf menus, but you can use celiac as an excuse to avoid them if you wish. Win!)
7.) Historical recipe books/blogs–these might also be awaiting your discovery! Many European cuisines didn’t use wheat regularly til the 19th century, so if you get into historical recipes you can often find gems. I found a bunch of great things this way.
Some pieces of practical advice (disregard what you already know):
1.) if you have a smartphone, install the free GF apps (Gluten Free Scanner, Find Me Gluten Free, etc.) Rely on Yelp as well. Yelp will save you. Search for the reviews by people with celiac so you know how ‘safe’ a place is.
2.) If you have a shared kitchen, put aside your old dishes for roommates/partners etc. Except for your old strainer and wooden spoons/cutting boards. Throw those out. (Even if you never use them again, they contain enough gluten to make you sick. Trust me.) Go to the dollah store and load up on cooking supplies. Get your own baker’s rack or cart to store your own stuff. (I did this over a period of a few months, and pretty inexpensively.) I have found that in a shared kitchen, gluten pasta and flour are no-nos. But others can keep crackers, bread, etc. YMMV.
3.) Avoid eating out for a couple of weeks. Right now is not the time to get glutened.
4.) Take supplements–a probiotic, a multivitamin, and l-carnitine
5.) Be upfront with everyone, starting now, about your diagnosis. My doctor gave me this advice, and she was right. It makes things easier and less awkward when choosing a restaurant, catering for events, etc.
6.) Bring your own food everywhere–like Kind bars. Have a backup so you don’t make rash decisions when hungry.
Anyways, this is a lot! I hope it helps! Let me know if you’d like more advice or have specific questions! I can also email you if you have a throwaway you use, etc.
THANK YOU! I’m trying really hard to be upfront and not ashamed of it, but it’s a little tough for me since I loathe being the center of attention and calling more attention to myself than necessary. Interrogating waiters is going to be an adjustment for me :-). But I’m hoping going gf will help with my anxiety and other stuff that makes my life so much more difficult.
I’d love to email with you, if you don’t mind. While my mom and sister have gluten allergies, they’ve never had to worry about cross-contamination and dealing with a shared living environment (I have a roommate who isn’t GF and cooks quite a bit). I’m ppyajunebug at gmail dot com.
You’re welcome! You can do this and you are going to feel so much saner soon. I can almost guarantee it. I had anxiety for years, and it wouldn’t budge. It’s much better now (granted, I still had to do other things, like medication and therapy, but these only started working once I cut out gluten.)
I am emailing you now! Check yr inbox. Exciting things to follow!
Lots of good advice so far, I’d add that until you’ve tried baking GF for a while, it’s probably better to spring for one of the flour mixes, rather than buying all the individual flours. They are pretty expensive and unless you bake a lot, they’re not going to be used much.
If you like bread, Bob’s Red Mill GF bread mixes (their cinnamon raisin and hearty whole grain are my favorites) and Hodgson Mill’s GF bread mix are really good–I prefer to make my own bread as I find a lot of GF pre-made breads still have a problem with being too dry and falling apart or going stale very quickly. My sister, also with celiac, swears by Pamela’s GF bread mix but I keep forgetting to try that one.
For eating out, http://www.findmeglutenfree.com/ and http://glutenfreetraveller.com/category/gluten-fr… are decent resources for finding restaurants.
On that note, I just saw some VERY intriguing Gluten Free Flour baking recipes on Bon Appetit! They look REALLY good – http://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/desserts/slides…
Cooks Illistrated had a gluten-free pizza crust recipe not too long ago and I seem to recall that the recipe was from an upcoming GF cookbook. They, as usual, went into the science of GF baking and came up with their own blend of flours for the crust that had all the features they wanted. If it’s out, and you like to bake and know why recipes work, I’d check it out! Cooks Illustrated has made me such a better cook!
Questions that should have occurred to me earlier in life: does having a humanities PhD make it harder to get a job outside of academia? Like, do you look overqualified or like you wasted years of your life? I’m considering putting myself in massive debt just to stay in the country and if it makes me less employable that’s… a factor I need to consider….
I can’t personally answer to employ-ability, but you could always leave qualifications off resumes to certain jobs? Though, you would still probably have to explain what you have been doing with your time to potential employers I guess.
I think it depends on what your PhD is in and what field you are applying in. I work with a lot of PhDs, and it is definitely a plus when one is applying at my company (at least in my division), but I work in educational assessment. It’s not academia, but it is education-related. I’ve also worked as a tour guide/park ranger at some historical sites, and having a PhD in history or a related field would be a positive there as well, and might qualify you for a higher pay grade (in fact, when I worked for the Park Service I had a number of coworkers who were full-time PhD students and part-time Rangers). The research and writing skills necessary to get a PhD are transferrable, I think (Anne Helen Petersen writes about this a bit), but there may in fact be industries where it is seem as an overqualification or a useless degree. So the answer is “it depends”.
Yes, it will. It is going to raise a lot of questions about what you really want to do, and take you out of he workforce for a while when others were getting experience there. Check out Ask A Manager.
I can’t answer your employment question (I’m getting a doctorate myself and am worried about this) but PLEASE don’t go into debt to get a humanities Ph.D. They should be paying your tuition and a stipend for the entire program.
If I did pursue a PhD, it would be really hard as an international student to get funding (for a humanities degree). I would actually have been willing to put myself in massive debt if it got me a visa here, but luckily that’s now Plan C… anyway. My motives are probably an insult to people with Actual Interest in their studies.
I am fully employed at a decent job as an academic administrator, where my PhD in English actually serves me in several ways. My institution likes its staff overqualified, plus I know how the game works and some of my skills translate directly. But I think it largely depends on the field you are looking at.
I have always been employed in addition to school in one way or another, so I had a chance to build skills and a resume. Several of my academic colleagues were actively working on Plan B in at least their last couple of years in school and are employed elsewhere. But all of us had to do it on the DL, because my field (and my department especially) was slow to recognize and adapt to how new economic realities were affecting new PhDs. Working is frowned upon and in some cases outright forbidden. You are marked as “unserious” about being an academic–as if eating and putting a roof over your head are optional activities.
Don’t underestimate actual $$$ costs and opportunity costs. Though I kept my hand in the “real job” world, I am not in the same position as I would have been in if I had focused on building my career through my twenties and early thirties (assuming no disasters). I could have been putting my financial ducks in a row or at least not have gone into so much debt. Debt is stressful and limits your choices–for me, both in how long I stayed on the academic job market and in the kind of position I could take once I left. I had to make a certain amount of money. I loved working on my degree a great deal and I am OK with the choice I have made–but I am keenly aware of what it cost me and the price was hefty.
Aaah, thanks dudes. I just decided to not do the 6-year part-time PhD thing because that would be so much money for a degree I don’t even plan on using, and instead I’m going to apply for a (second) 2-year part-time MA at a uni that will actively try to place me in internships etc. so I get some Experience. And hopefully I can get a partner/spouse visa after residing with my SO for those 2 years. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, it’s so much less fucking stressful
It doesn’t disadvantage you in jobs that are ‘academia adjacent’. I have a history of art PhD and I work in a museum: not strictly ‘academia’ as I no longer teach, but I do write and research alongside all the hands-on curatorial stuff.
Is anyone else excited for the bbc production of Wolf Hall airing on Wednesday? Because I am super excited about that.
YES. Also, Daniel Lewis? A++ casting there.
WOLF HALL! I did not realize that it was starting in the UK so soon. I am going to be a sly American and obtain it before it airs on PBS, muhahahahaha!
I was telling a male coworker about Wolf Hall the other day and he said, “oh so it sounds like it’s a revisionist history of X movie from the 60s.” And I was like…dude, we work in history, all of it is just interpretation, you should know this, end of conversation.
Wait, he thought that Wolf Hall was… based… on a movie?
WHATEVER MEN, I am super pumped for the show!
Maybe A Man For All Seasons? People bring that up a lot when they talk about Mantel’s version of Thomas More, and I can see someone going “oh it’s a revisionist Man For All Seasons” though I don’t really know whether Mantel cares about that play/movie at all.
Well, I am now.
VERY VERY VERY EXCITED.
WANTS!
*mutters* stupid not-living-in-England *mumble mumble mumble*
There are always… ways. (I assume this will be streaming someplace, could use a location switcher plugin to a web browser).
it will be on the bbc iPlayer, but I’m in the uk so I don’t know how well it works with location switcherifying.
I think I’ve heard people say they can watch fine on that. I’ve heard people say the Hola better internet plugin is good.
I can vouch for this. It’s amazing!
This is true. Also, though, I just like grouching at myself for not moving to the UK back when I was Young And Free.
Fair enough!
I think PBS will show it in the US… eventually?
YES. I’m re-reading to be ready!
SO EXCITED. I have a lot of feelings about Mark Rylance and from the stills I’ve seen on Tumblr, the costumes look amazing.
Has anyone ever taken Gabapentin? My doctor prescribed it for fibromyalgia but was pretty cavalier about the side effects, and my internet research is showing that there’s a not-small likelihood of some pretty substantial side effects. Is drugs.com a real website I should trust? So far the most measured, clear information has come from consumer reports so IDEK.
I’ve taken it. I had no problems, and normally I’m queen of the side effects. What in particular are you worried about?
I’m afraid of everything! Honestly I’m just kind of in freak out mode. The uncontrollable eye movement thing was particularly freaky to me. It’s great to hear from someone who has taken it and didn’t have problems, thank you.
I took it without problems as well, but when I came off I had weird nerve sensations in my face for a few weeks. An annoyance more than anything else.
Interesting! I’m really afraid of withdrawal symptoms in general (you aren’t even free of side effects once you stop taking it!) so it’s good to hear that yours went away. Thank you so much for sharing.
My dr wanted to prescribe it after I had to stop taking amytriptylene because of the side effects it was giving me (I have a back injury and a lot of nerve pain from it) – he didn’t seem bothered about the risk of side effects even though I have never taken any kind of presciption medicine ever other than the contraceptive pill without having to come off it due to side effects. I still said no to it, but he wasn’t worried.
If you don’t mind my asking, you declined to take it because you’re prone to side effects?
My doctor was also very chill about the side effects but I don’t know whether to trust that. Thanks so much for sharing.
Yep, I can’t take apsirin or ibuprofen at all because they give me blood clots, paracetamol more than once a month or so makes me vomit, the standard asthma inhaler gives me the shakes, and after a month of taking it, the amytriptylene gave me heart palpitations! I am the same with several foods as well – can eat them for so long and then my body says no more thanks.
So when I had to come off that Dr said let’s try gabapentin and I said is there any point, I’ll take it for a month and start reacting to it, I’d rather live with the pain for the minute and try to actually get to the bottom of the injury. Dr and consultant were both very cross but as it’s so very far from being an isolated incident I didn’t want to take the risk.
Wow, that sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Thanks for explaining more.
I had no side effects at all, but I am not particularly sensitive to drugs.
and for what it’s worth, it worked really really well (nerve pain and insomnia).
Good to know! Thanks so much.
My partner has been taking Gabapentin for 3 years now with absolutely no ill effects. My BFF has been on it for about 9 months, also with no side effects whatsoever.
I wish you the best as you and your doctor work together to manage your fibromyalgia,
Thanks so much, this is extremely reassuring. And thanks as well for your good wishes!
I take it to stave off migraines, and it’s been a lifesaver. I feel so much better! The only side effect I notice is that it makes hangovers feel worse.
Well I don’t drink, so that works out perfectly for me! Thanks so much for sharing.
http://www.crazymeds.us is a great way to find out about all the weird side effects of various drugs.
I took it for nerve damage for many months and had no side effects, except perhaps very mild drowsiness (I also started another Rx at the same time that could have been the culprit), and it definitely helped me cope with the pain. No matter what you decide, I would encourage you to expect/demand more from your doctor – if his/her first reaction to your voiced concern is cavalier, it’s OK to say, “I sense that you’re not terribly concerned about this, but I would appreciate some more explanation as to why you think this is the best option, and why you would recommend it over the alternatives.” This was a tough lesson for me to learn, but once I did, I felt so much more in control of my care and well-being – hugely important when you’re dealing with conditions that resist diagnosis and/or treatment. Best wishes!
I was prescribed it for nerve pain and I did have trouble on it, but I’m very sensitive to that class of drug. It made me very dizzy and confused all the time to the point where I could barely remember anything. I had to leave myself dozens of reminder post-its on my desk at work just so I would be able to do even the most basic functions of my job I’d had for seven years. I felt so out of it all the time, like part of my brain was locked away and I just couldn’t even access it. And it didn’t even make my pain better.
The AV Club shared their favorite Simpsons quotes this morning, and I think we should do the same.
What quote from The Simpsons do you find yourself using most in real life?
Mine is “But how many monkey butlers will there be?” which is a great line for when someone is painting too rosy of a picture for the future.
I’m pretty fond of referring to milkshakes as “partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages.” But really, I could go on all day and not pick a favorite. That’s just the first that came to mind today.
Also, I made reference to this in a work meeting yesterday and was quite proud of it: http://imgur.com/r/TheSimpsons/i28BO
Really, anything that Troy McClure ever said. “I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-zeeee…”
Also you need to follow @simpsonsqotd if you’re on twitter. Just Simpsons one-liners, all day, every day.
“oh my god, I was wrooong, it was earth all aloooong!”
“I thought you said that guy was dead!”
“No, I said he’s sleeping with the fishes!”
Ha!
-Edna Krabappel
“Gay? I wish!”
Oh, my husband and I go through the peanut routine all the time! How could I forget that one?!
A recent gem is “Go back to Russia!” when my vegetarian boyfriend tries to talk me out of eating something meat.
“It’s a perfectly cromulent word.”
I have used that one often! I think I probably use “Everything’s coming up Milhouse” and “boo-urns” the most frequently. I also like “My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours!” and I tell my cat that his breath smells like cat food very often.
I say “My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours!” daily, as my husband is tall. I’m Canadian, so I also frequently use “I moooved from Canada, and they think I’m slow, eh”.
Same on “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!” Definitely my most used quote on a day to day basis. I’d add “money can be exchanged for goods and services!” to my most-used list.
Thirding (or fourthing?) the “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!” Perfect for any situation, guaranteed!
Oddly, the one I remember best is “nuts and gum, together at last!” which isn’t even something a character says, but on a billboard, I think? For some reason I find that combo so revolting that the saying pops into my head all the time.
Ahaha! “I’m a white male, age 18 to 35. Everyone listens to me, no matter how stupid my ideas are!” *takes jar out of cupboard* *jar is labeled NUTS & GUM, TOGETHER AT LAST*
The nuts and gum are on the same aisle of the Target where I do my grocery shopping and I think of that line every time I look at the sign.
I say this whenever there’s an ad clearly aimed at my embarrassing demographic.
“Forty seconds?! But I want it now!”
“The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That’s bad.”
I also call myself SMRT when I make a silly mistake.
OMG how could I forget about these ones; I say them constantly.
I am so smart. S-M-R-T.
Haha, my husband and I use “…but I want it now!!!” every time we find out something will take longer than anticipated.
I also find myself saying “Time for a booster!” in my head a lot when I’m taking my prescription meds. 😀
Probably the one I say most often is, “It’s ‘nu-cu-lur,’ Lisa. ‘Nu-cu-lur’ but I also love “the fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.”
Honorable mention goes to “Well, pie, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but I’m going to be going AUMP-AUMP-AUMP and if you get eaten, it’s your OWN fault.” Pro tip: it works for other foods than pie, too.
Speaking of fingers, I regularly look at my hands and think of Otto’s observation that “they call ’em fingers, but you never see them fing. Oh wait, there they go.”
I also like “My name is Otto. I like to get blotto.” during the AA meeting.
“mmmm floor pie”
Oooh, also, “Lousy Smarch weather.”
I’m tied between “stupid sexy Flanders” and “It’s just a little airborne, it’s still good it’s still good!”
It’s like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!
Oh, and every time we have a pork product:
“Sure [Mr. BlueBlazes], some wonderful, magical animal…”
“Rat! You promised me dog or better!”
“Why are my bones so brittle, I drink plenty of malk”
“Hotdiggity, that’s how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!”
Also “Hey, I’m not a nerd! Nerds are smart.”
Talking out of turn? That’s a paddlin’. Making fun of my sandals? That’s a paddlin’. Paddlin’ the school canoe? Oh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’.
“Just because there’s snow on the roof…I forget how the rest of that goes.”
I’ve begun to lose track of what are Simpsons quotes and what is just English. It’s alarming when I see an old episode sometime and realize “Oh, that’s what that’s from!” It’s like Shakespeare.
Don’t you hate pants?
“Tastes like burning” comes up pretty often. We also say things are “tasty fish.”
As I said over there, I’m determined to end my dissertation with “in conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast.”
I also use “back in pog form” and “but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin.”
Mine is from the episode where Bart has to join the “Pre-Teen Braves” and Milhouse joins the “Cavalry Kids”. It’s the one with the huge brawl at the end and singing the Canadian national anthem. During the brawl, while everyone in the town is fighting everyone else, they cut to Moe, who’s about to square off with Drederick Tatum. The way Moe says “Aw Jeez, how did this happen?” is just perfect, and has applied to so many different situations in my life.
Also, pretty much anything Jasper says (or does).
I keep thinking of more.
“I hate to say people sucked, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”
“Homer!”
“Oh, I have to go. My stupid wiener kids are listening.”
“We’re not wieners!”
“Oh yeah? Then why are you dressed like that?”
“They made us!”
“Oooh, ‘They made us.’ That’s loser talk!”
“And now we play the waiting game….eh, the waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!”
“Ow, my frickin ears!”
And when going through an automatic door: “Thank you, door!”
I can’t stop with this thread. I wish I could make that noise that Marge makes when she’s concerned about something, because I’m convinced that my primary emotional state is Marge Simpson’s “hmmmm!”
I also like to remind myself that there’s no shame in being a pariah.
“You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel” and “Honey I am in mine home” are most commonly used around our house.
I have a couple.
“I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?” I think that one to myself whenever anyone is trying and failing to sound intelligent.
“From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn’t enjoy a good sit?” Self-explanatory.
I am incapable of seeing references to Jeremy Irons without hearing Lisa’s “Jeremy’s … iron” in my head.
“Tie good, you like shirt?”
Every time we order Thai.
“Oh my god… It’s a ghost car!”
We also like to sing “Spider-Pig” from The Simpsons Movie a lot.
“That’ll make your bull run!” From the episode with John Waters, where Marge is trying to sell the antique Civil War figurine that turns out to be a liquor bottle.
And of course “Trying is the first step towards failure.”
The lesson is, never try.
So many already mentioned here, but also “rock and or roll”
“If it’s tangy and brown, you’re in cider town / if it’s clear and yella, you got juice there, fella.”
“I read at a 78th-grade level!”
“We’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want any more bears” (that whole bear sequence is wall-to-wall applicable-IRL-quotes. “That’s specious reasoning, dad.” “Thanks, honey.”)
Lisa, I would like to buy your rock.
“Choo-choo-choo choose me!”
Obviously I use “Everything’s coming up Millhouse!” all the time, but I also quote this line of Homer’s to myself whenever I shower:
“‘What if’. What if I’m taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? *pause* Oh my god, I’d be killed!”
Do you ever have a nice romantic/sexy dream featuring a celebrity and then when you wake up you’re kind of irrationally annoyed at your real-life SO, as if they are the reason you’re not with the celebrity? This happened to me this morning. “YOU’RE NOT IDRIS ELBA!”
My last sexy celebrity dream was about Joel McHale! I woke up and immediately rolled over and said “I just had a sex dream about Joel McHale. I want to watch a lot of Community today.” My partner was fine with it because he is the best and he would give me his blessing if I ever met JM in real-life and was offered a night of wild passion.
Oh yes, that has definitely happened to me. Also the dreams where your SO does something really shitty and you wake up furious with them and then have to explain that you’re cranky and pouty because they were awful in a dream.
Oh man, that has happened! Being a good natured fellow, my bf actually apologized for dream-bfs insensitive behavior.
I’m permanently mad at all men for not being Idris Elba, honestly.
You’re right, of course.
This happens, like, monthly. Sometimes if I’m needlessly snippy in the morning my boyfriend will be like “was I a dick in your dream again, or are you mad that you’re not on a date with Chris Evans?”
(Edited because I just realized I left out “date with” but also I am usually mad that I’m not on Chris Evans, so.)
I had a sexy threesome dream recently, co-starring my real-life husband and a celebrity. Not quite as bad, but I definitely still woke up feeling irritated that the celebrity was not ALSO actually in my bed.
The Oscars are revolting. Can we have the Toastie Awards instead? What categories and nominees would you have for the year that was?
if it would still be movies, i’d have liked directing and production design nominations for snowpiercer. and a lot of nominations (at least screenplay!) for obvious child.
Oh see I read this as “which TOASTIE would you nominate, and for what made-up category.” Not actual awards show with pre-set categories.
I was about to say CleverManka for Best GIF Usage, obviously.
I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. I’m getting a tattoo tomorrow. It’s going to be my biggest one. And it’s my first that I haven’t justified through some symbolism/deeper meaning. It’s just pretty. It’s a gorgeous mermaid designed by a tattoo artist in my roller derby league. I’m out with a nagging injury, so this seems like a very good use of my recovery time.
!!! how exciting!
I’m sort of tentatively sliding towards getting my first tattoo and I’m now avidly reading everybody’s tattoo stories.
I just got my first 2 weeks ago! I have felt zero regret even though I sort of got it on a whim (I’ve always wanted one, and just was finally like, okay, get one). It hurt more than I was ready for but it makes me so proud of myself for being brave enough to go finally follow through in getting myself what I want!
Mine carbon date me. My first ones were done more than 15 years ago and are very mid-90s women’s tattoos. Women seemed to get much smaller pieces done back then. Now, it can feel like everyone of any gender is covered in glorious colourful ink.
Hurrah for tattoos! Will we get pictures?
I am starting to tentatively think about my next one.
If I can figure out how to post them.
What up Toast! I’ve got a fractured foot, sort of! Any other sports-playing Toasties ever fractured a sesamoid? How long will it take for this jerk toe-bone to heal itself? I’ve been continuing to play indoor soccer twice a week, because I already paid for the season DANG IT (sports doctor said that was okay but not ideal), but it HURTS and I want to start running again grumble grumble
Oh me! I did! Are you not wearing the boot, then? I had the boot for like six weeks. It sucked. I have custom orthotics now, though I only wear them in my running shoes and not in my daily shoes anymore. Sometimes it still aches if I spend all day on my feet. 🙁
There was no discussion of a boot for me! I am seriously considering custom orthotics for sports though. They’re SO pricey, but my company kicks in a little bit of money for my FSA and I might just use my whole year’s worth on that. The doctor I saw recommended a particular brand of over-the-counter inserts that I’ve been using for my last few soccer games, and it DOES seem to have made a little difference in how much it hurts afterwards, so I’m hopeful!
How did you injure yourself? I don’t recall a particular event, so for me it was probably just my shitty flat feet + too many games on terrible hard indoor turf.
I went for a run, and my toes all hurt at the end of it (it was time for new shoes), and then the toes stopped hurting except the big toe. I walked on it for a good long while, like several months, before going in — maybe that’s why I had to have the boot.
I have the opposite of flat feet — my arches are so high that nothing touches the ground in between the ball of my foot and my heel — so the ball and the toes carry more weight than normal. (I also carry more weight than normal in general, but have gained weight since the injury and it hasn’t gotten worse.)
I hope the OTC inserts help. It might be worth getting the custom ones, especially since it sounds like you’re pretty active. $ for inserts probably preferable to six weeks in boot.
(The next year I twisted my other ankle so bad that I had to have the boot on *that* foot. I spent two summers in the boot, basically.)
I haven’t broken a sesamoid (as far as I know) but I have broken other toe bones a few times! I would say, unscientifically, if it’s just cracked a little and I’m still walking around on it all the time, like 3-4 weeks to be healed to the point where it stops annoying me? There was one time that I smashed the bone clear in half and that took like 6 weeks in a boot and I almost lost my mind.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented and offered outrage/sympathies on my racist-encounter-in-Morrisons post that I made in last week’s open thread. Toasties are aces! I left work about 5 minutes after posting it so couldn’t say thanks at the time. I filled in a ‘report a hate crime’ thing on the police site and two police officers from my local police force came and took a statement on Sunday at my house and said it was, “Bang out of order” and will forward the information to Camden police. So it’s a statistic at least, now!
Also, foxinthe_snow and Pear – your comments about Morrisons and supermarkets in Camden really make me laugh. You’re right about everything: the secret lift from the market up to Morrisons car park is magic. The number of supermarkets in Camden is crazy. I won’t lie though – I often walk down to the Waitrose simply because it’s further than Morrisons so I get a longer walk at lunch. If either of you are around Camden during the days and want to have lunch in the West Yard at one of the food stalls let me know. I get an exciting £1 off with my work pass.
“Bang out of order”!! The UK is so delightful. I’m glad the police are taking it seriously. Good luck to you.
Hello fellow Camden-ites!
Running toasties – I need some help!
I’m about 8 weeks into a 12 week half marathon training program, and have started to experience some troubling leg pain. I’m wondering if anyone has any advice. I had worked my way up to a full 9 miles with little to no pain, but now if I go more than 3, I start to feel some pain my my lower leg. It’s on the outside (fibula side), just about 2 or 3 inches below the knee. Running frequently at these distances is fairly new to me, but things have progressed pretty well so far.
I’ve been doing some reading and found some information about underpronation/supination injuries and pain that sounds pretty accurate to my situation. I tried to adjust my gait while running yesterday, and found some relief. Does anyone have any personal experience with this/can you provide any advice on exercises or techniques to work on it?
I unfortunately have no advice, but just wanted to say congratulations on everything you’ve accomplished. I have huge admiration for you. Running AT ALL is hard, and running nine miles is superhuman. I hope someone else can help, and that you don’t experience any more pain!
Thank you for the kind words! I’ve been pretty pleased with my progress, and am mostly just worried this will give my lazy brain an excuse to backslide.
How about your shoes? They sell running shoes for under/over pronation issues; they offer different support. I forget which one I tend to, but I have to make sure the runners I buy have a stiff heel and have a very squishy insole. And adjusting my gait has helped too.
That may be a starting point. I purchased an expensive new pair of fancy running shoes a few weeks ago. I don’t know whether they might be the reason for the change, but I may go back in with them and ask the shop to help me. We’re fortunate to have a great store here in town that really knows their stuff.
yay for running! Yay for running a half! Congratulations on making it this far! YOU ARE GONNA BE AWESOME.
1) have you done gait analysis at a specialty running shoe store? If you supinate enough to cause injury, shoes with the proper support/cushion can help! Old shoes can also contribute to injury.
2) Does your training plan have drop down weeks built into it, to give you time to recover as you’re increasing mileage, or is it just increase-increase-increase? Dropping down for a week can help your body recover, and taking recovery days throughout the week is necessary too! Also a mix of easy and harder running. Not every run should involve tons of effort.
3) Stretching and strengthening are important too. Does your planned race have a healthcare sponsor? You may be able to get a deal on a screening from a sports med/chiro office that’s sponsoring the race. Your local running store may also have recommendations or injury clinics.
4) Icing and compression can also help sore/tired legs feel better. I am a big fan of compression socks and sleeves, and wear them after my long runs to help speed recovery.
My running bugaboo is my IT band, so if you were having hip/knee issues I’d be here for you! Take it easy and listen to your body. And if you have access to a local running specialty store, abuse their knowledge and expertise!
I have not done a gait analysis yet. I’m thinking I should, though. I had previously had a quick walk-in consult with one of the sports medicine doctors they bring in from time to time, and he hooked me up with some shoe inserts, but otherwise nothing. I’ll have to look into it. The shoes are only a few weeks old, after starting the program with some New Balance shoes that were at least a year old, but had never been used for running before.
The program had a few drop down weeks built in, mostly when increasing the running intervals (it’s a run/walk plan). Interestingly enough, the pain started during one of the shorter distance weeks. I only run three days per week, and try to do some other cardio/cross training when I can.
I make a point to stretch before and after runs, but could probably take more time with it. I’ve added some stretches to my routine since I started, but if you have any good suggestions, I’ll take them.
I had been experiencing some minor soreness in my IT band and hip area, but found some great stretches for them that really helped. Still, if you have suggestions, I’m all ears!
I had a very similar-sounding pain during marathon training and it turned out to be, of all things, shin splits. Ice and compression sleeves and SHOES SHOES SHOES, if you have more than 200 miles on the ones you’re wearing, get new ones.
I’ll have to look into compression sleeves. I had thought maybe shin splints were the issue, but most of what I’m seeing about them says they’re an issue on the tibia side. As for shoes, they’ve got about 30 miles on them so far, and were purchased on some advice from the running shop in town. I worry that maybe they’re a contributing factor, but I sure hope not, considering what I spent on them.
I thought so too, but my coach says they’re equally likely on the fibula side. Who knew?
Does your running store have a good returns policy?
Good to know! Maybe that’s it after all.
I believe they said 30 days, though I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of returning shoes I’ve run 30+ miles in, though at least they were all indoor, so they aren’t too dirty. Definitely going to have to stop in and ask for some help from them, I think.
Most places do 30 days. Don’t worry about the mileage–that’s their problem!
yay you! It can be pretty tough to work out the source of pain — if it’s gait, it can be coming from the hip, back, knee, overly strong / weak opposing muscles, etc. The fact that you felt some immediate relief when you modify your gait doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a gait issue either — it might have just taken some pressure off a sore spot. Pain is common with these intense training programs, just because your muscles aren’t used to it. While you look into the source, try rolling out the spot on a lacrosse ball or tennis ball every day.
Adding to the chorus of checking out your shoes! See if you can get some kind of gait analysis done, or at least go to a running store where they are more than willing to talk though your options, why they’re giving you different shoes, etc. I went to a new running store recently where the guy had an iPad and filmed my feet running around, specifically showed me what he was looking at in the videos, and talked through each shoe in detail when he gave it to me. It was incredibly helpful and I felt really confident in the shoes I ended up buying.
Stretching and foam rolling are great, and compression socks have helped me too. My biggest suggestion is to just really back off and don’t push through unnecessary pain. Before my first half I started having some foot problems and I was really paranoid about cutting back on mileage but also worried about making the pain worse or seriously injuring myself just before the race. I would be way more concerned about trying to sort out what’s happening with your leg than concerned about losing fitness or not following the training plan exactly. If you can find some other exercise that doesn’t bother you try cross-training more, or just give yourself a bit of a break. Letting yourself be smart about recovery will almost certainly be better in the long run than pushing through a persistent low grade thing that ends up getting worse.
Good luck!
Seconding the shoe store/gait analysis suggestions! My local running shop has you run in any shoes you’re trying while they watch, to see whether the shoe is compensating correctly. I got shin splits for a bit (and still do if I don’t stretch adequately), but getting the right shoes definitely helped.
Which half marathon are you running? I’m doing one in Gloucester (Mass) but not until May.
I actually haven’t signed up for a half yet. Mostly I’m just goal motivated when it comes to working out, so I decided to set my sights on half marathon distance. Unfortunately, the way the training program shakes out, I’ll be finishing it up in early February, and I’m not even a little bit interested in running 13 miles outside in Michigan in cold snowy icy wintertime. Looking at a few here in Michigan in late March and April, though. Also considering keeping up with the training and trying Detroit in October (either alone for the half or part of a team full relay). Also considering running one in Chicago, but the one I had my eye on is the day after we’ll (hopefully) be returning from our honeymoon, so that’s probably out.
Good luck with yours! How many have you done?
I am also goal-motivated but I need the additional pressure of having committed to an actual event with a deadline, otherwise I tend to be like, ehhhh, I’ll just run more next week, but then every week is next week and I end up woefully out of shape. I am super impressed that you are sticking with the training schedule! Replying in 2 comments because intensedebate keeps failing me.
I did one half-marathon last October (in Oregon), which was great except for the several miles it went pretty much straight up a giant cliff. That part was awful and I did not check out the course in advance so I had NO IDEA it was coming. Before that I’d done a couple very slow 5ks around Boston, and before that I strolled on the treadmill while watching Criminal Minds and occasionally jogged along with the team when they were chasing suspects, which was the closest I could get to actually have Shemar Moore as my personal trainer.
FRIDAY CAT THREAD
Bonny refuses to leave our bed. At night, she curls up in the space between our bodies, our legs or behind our knees.
During the day, she does this:
Kismet’s been really snuggly because of the cold weather.
However, she’s less than excited about the two strays I’ve been feeding on our porch. I usually don’t do that but a gray cat came to our door and meowed for food and it was so icy/rainy/cold that I gave it food and set out a box & old towel for it to keep warm in. The next day it brought a friend. Oops. Pictured below is that friend (Marmalade).
My cat sleeps behind my knees or in between my legs, too. I purposefully took this picture of him the other day for the Friday Cat Thread.
That is some quality side-eye mansplaying right there.
Catsplaying!
Mine love the bed.
Inspired by the knitting thread last week, here is Asa posing in a cowl that I finished recently.
Moxie has cabin fever. That seems to involve a lot of trying to steal food off my plate and liberal use of his “attack position”:
It’s been cold at home.
oh man, Klaas-Jan does this too. He’s got a fleece blanket he’ll burrow under and sleep in for hours.
Klaas-Jan is very fond of the box of my Christmas hamper from the university.
An original grumpy cat! …at the Houghton Hall exhibition at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco.
Any gardener Toasties out there? My boyfriend and I just had our offer on a house accepted (yay!) and I’m really excited to have a bigger yard so I can move up from my small garden. Does anyone have any good gardening blog recommendations? Or any good websites/books/blogs for cold-weather gardeners? I’m in Zone 3 up here and it’s surprisingly hard to find appropriate plant lists and the like.
How exciting! My fiancee and I got very into gardening a few years ago and have had a ton of fun with it.
Some of the best resources we’ve found have been from University extension sites (eg: http://migarden.msu.edu/). Also, getting a good grow light and starting plants indoors could be super helpful so you don’t have to wait until it warms up outside to get started.
I bought The Vegetable Gardner’s Bible when I moved into my house last year and made a little garden patch. The author is from Vermont so there is a lot about how to keep plants warm and how to start them inside and everything. I originally bought the Kindle version but then ended up buying the paperback because it was easier to read the charts and everything that way.
Bookmarking this for later — I yearn for a vegetable patch, and Vermont is pretty similar weatherwise.
If you’re in the US and live in a state with a land grant college, it wouldn’t hurt to check out their extension website. The on here offers a lot of gardening information and also runs a master gardener class that was really useful for me (I grew up in a Zone 6 area and now I live in Zone 4, so it’s taken some getting used to). Also, raised beds help a lot. You can make nice easy little hoop houses over them to help out in the spring and fall.
I really enjoyed building and growing a square foot garden — I built two 4×4 foot gardens using the directions / soil mix in the square foot gardening book, and it worked really well! I grew tons of lovely leaf vegetables (among other things) and I’m sad it’s not something I have anymore. The best piece of advice I have is to start planning now. I missed out on a lot of potential vegetables because I started seeds too late indoors. You might not have the same problem since you’re in a much warmer climate zone, but it’s still helpful to keep a detailed schedule of planting / starting times.
And good luck! Gardening s so satisfying.
I was going to mention the Square Foot Gardening book, too. It is an excellent source.
Aside from everyone else’s great suggestions, I also like listening to gardening question and answer shows on the radio. Ed Lawrence (former head gardener to the Governor-General, Canada — not sure how to format that phrase…) is on CBC Radio 1 on Mondays 12:30-1pm for a live call-in. And I love Gardener’s Question Time on BBC Radio 4. Both are available to listen to either streaming or whenever you wish. (The BBC questions are, obviously, less cold-oriented, but so interesting and encouraging.)
Most public libraries have a good gardening section.
I recommend Marjorie Harris books (although her idea of ‘affordable’ and mine are not even in the same postal code; and any old Harrowsmith books you find.
You might like http://yougrowgirl.com/ – she’s based in Toronto, which isn’t Zone 3, but is at least Canada.
Also, you can get seed catalogues from places like Richters and OSC for free – great for day dreaming, even if you don’t grow from seed. (I mostly grow from seedlings these days)
Exciting!
I second the land grant university/Master Gardening hotline/office. I was one for my county in Ohio and it was really fun learning and solving people’s gardening problems. I really like the blog “A Way to Garden”, she has solid advice, good links on sources, and is zone 5B. I just googled “zone 3 gardeners”, and on the 2nd page of results was a pdf from the University of Idaho that looks helpful.
from experience, I can tell you, that garden on paper looks way smaller than when you have to dig it. Conversely, once you start digging, it’s hard to stop. Don’t prep more than you can maintain each year, and start small.
Don’t start your seeds when the seed catalogs say, and don’t order from catalogs that won’t hold shipments or replace ones that died because they ship in march and you can’t plant until June.
Good luck!
I’m in a zone 3 area as well, and I’ve pretty much given up on any type of melon or cucumber. Lettuce, peas, grean beans, potatoes and beets always work. I grew tomatoes for years, and would begin harvesting in July/August. A couple years ago I made a simple frame with scrap wood and stapled clear plastic around it. Since I began doing that, I’ve been harvesting from May to September. Then, you can cut the tomatoe plants at the base, and hang them in a cool dark place (my basement) and they will form tomatoes of diminishing quality for months. It’s crazy.
That’s one thing I really miss about Vancouver, is the growing seasons.
See if you can find a book called The Organic Vegetable Gardener by Yvonne Cuthbertson! She has a handy guide by zone
Toasties, what do you do when you get Night Sadness? Recently I have been a happy, productive person during the day and around 10:30 I get incredibly worried and sad and question all of my life choices. This happened all the time in high school but not as much recently. Obviously the easy answer is to go to sleep, but the worrying keeps me up. Does the whole “no screens an hour before bed” thing work? I know this is something basically everyone deals with, but it feels new to me, and I’m wondering about tips.
I have this too (though I do have anxiety/sadness during the day, I just don’t swell on it like I do at night). I read things that I can get really absorbed in (recently, Elena Ferrante’s books and folktale books) or watch comforting videos that I’ve seen before. My husband is also helpful: he’ll rub my feet, which helps. Also, petting my cat. I’ve heard that journaling works for people, but I can never keep that up.
YO YO YO YO THIS IS MY JAM. For me, the sadness starts around 9pm when it’s time to start winding down, and then suddenly I’m like “man, everyone on Tumblr is living an amazing life” and “what will it be like when I die?” and “what if my partner dies and I can’t remember anything about him?” and FUN THINGS LIKE THAT. My solutions are the following:
– get in bed and turn on an audiobook to listen to while I fall asleep
– watch some TV in bed until I fall asleep
– make some tea, light a few candles, and read a really good absorbing book to distract my mind
As for the “no screens before bed” thing, I actually talked to my therapist about this a lot because I was feeling guilty that I was supposedly interfering with my natural processes and that I essentially needed distraction to be happy. The bottom line is, it’s fine! If it works, then it works, and there is no need to feel bad about it.
I love your therapist.
“Needed distraction to be happy,” oh man my brain knows that one. My therapist is great for reminding me that the worry isn’t actually doing anything and that the “distraction” is really just stopping the pointless worry loop (she calls it “being on a rocking chair,” like you’re moving but not getting anywhere).
Interesting as we just had a guest lecture at my dept about circadian rhythm disruption and health effects. He was saying incandescent bulbs are better than compact florescent at night (as the light spectrum is more in the red range and suppresses melatonin less). Also reduce lights / screens / etc as much as possible before bed. I am not a doctor or scientist or anything so just relaying this third hand (probably poorly 🙂
You can get CFLs in lots of color temperatures anymore- look for “soft white” or “warm white” (or if you can find the numbers on the package, shoot for 2700-3000K. The lower the #, the warmer the light color).
My best bets have always been:
1. a good night playlist or two. One for the songs that are saying what you’re feeling & you can lean into them. One for the encouraging songs that remind you that your current Sad-Soundtrack isn’t true, and it’ll be okay.
2. Being Unplugged. It amazes me how much my stress calms down when not attached to a screen sometimes. Just grabbing a blank sheet of paper and pencil/pen to doodle, copy out a meaningful quote, unsuccessfully attempt my umpteenth monogram design, helps me a LOT. It’s probably different for different people, maybe creating something else, or organizing, or cleaning, or dancing helps you. There’s nearly an endless list of tiny unplugged things to do.
3. Have you looked into ASMR? It stand for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and it describes the tingles that some people get when they hear certain noises (tapping, paper-noises, scratching, etc) or close-up whispering, or personal attention. It’s a shot in the dark (not everyone has this, obvs) but the ASMR community on Youtube has loads of videos which are either 1. stultifying if you’re not into it (an hour of light tapping on a desk), or 2. possibly helpful (there’s a lot of talking to the camera, saying nice encouraging things, and *also* a lot of guided meditations, etc.) The focus is on helping people relax who are stressed, and being bothered by worrisome thoughts.
I hope any of those help! *hugs from afar* Hopefully your NightSadness will only be a phase that is soon over.
I don’t quite have time at the moment to respond to everyone individually, but thank you all so much! These are incredible recommendations, and I will try one of them tonight. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help. This kind of moment is what reminds me that the Toast community is the best community.
wow, I never knew what ASMR was before and now I have a word to put to the sensation! I am VERY sensitive to this, so much so that the tingling is actually uncomfortable.
I have never suffered from night sadness, nor can I offer much insight re: no screens an hour before bed because I don’t have that much self-control. But! If you do suspect that blue light is adding to the difficulty in getting to sleep, there’s a program called Flux that changes your computer’s lighting based on the time of day. It gets rid of some of the blue light that makes it hard to sleep, and I find it very helpful!
Seconding the recommendation for Flux. I have it set to fade in slowly as the sun goes down, and it’s honestly helped more than a little with insomnia for me.
thirding the Flux rec! it’s amazing.
fourthing, and adding that I have the android app “Twilight” which does the same thing on my phone.
I spend about half the week at my place, and half the week at my boyfriend’s. My bed is not very comfortable and it is also the main piece of furniture that I use in my room (rented room in a shared house), so I do all the things you are not supposed to do in bed – watch TV, surf the Internet, work, eat, etc. At the boyfriend’s, the bed is much comfier (by my standards) and there are no backlit screens in the bedroom (there is no bedroom TV, and we leave our phones in the living room). I sleep MUCH better at the boyfriend’s. I do take my Kindle to bed, and read it either with the overhead light on or with the reading light in the cover, but I often fall asleep before I even finish a page, and I do much less tossing and turning and ruminating before falling asleep.
So, yes, the no screens thing works, banning them from your bedroom works. Pretty much all the advice out there about sleep hygiene works.
Do you think your situation could be a manifestation of SAD? Is it something that has only happened during the winter? If so, general tips for helping deal with seasonal depression might work.
I have also experienced something where when I am out being active (at work, going to school, whatever) I feel fine, but then when I sit quietly and don’t have distractions I feel sad, and in my experience that is because there is, in fact, something that I am unhappy about that I have been burying (e.g. when I was in grad school I was also very lonely and touch-starved, which made me sad). Sometimes it can help to tease out what that is and Take Steps to handle it. But sometimes it is just your brain being wonky and there isn’t anything wrong.
Is it feasible to go to bed earlier? If you know that around 10:30 is when this sets in, can you maybe try going to bed at 10:00? Take a book with you, but no computers or phones or TV, and see if just reading something (not something stressful!) and being quiet and peaceful in bed helps.
When my brain starts down the worry path at bedtime, I work on re-directing it. For me, the best way to do this is to tell myself a story. Usually I either start imagining the way I would furnish my dream house, or I make up a story (of which I am the heroine) and write it in my head (oftentimes this narrative involves me describing a peaceful bedtime ritual or something else that involves sleep).
I tell myself stories too, to help me fall asleep! For a good long stretch, I was designing a garden for the house I don’t have, down to the anti-deer fences and where I’d put a nice bench for when I get tired. Organizing things in my head is way more pleasant than organizing things in real life, so when the garden was done, I was imagining a potting shed with a pegboard with outlines of all the tools so they could all go into the right place… I may fall asleep right now.
All of my most massive panic attacks happen around bedtime and I find that having warm, not-too-bright lighting in the late evening helps. I’m more or less convinced that avoiding screens is effective but I’m not great at following that advice. White noise is good too– and you can get a phone app to do it if you don’t want to buy a sound machine.
Another thing- my grandma always used to say that if you’re anxious and can’t sleep, you should recite the rosary. I’m not religious but I think she was onto something. When I’m not calm enough to, like, ~meditate,~ then just reciting or listing something can help to put my mind back on track. See if you can recite a poem you’ve memorized or list all the state capitols.
I listen to meditation podcasts. Even Buddhist lectures will put me out if the voice is soothing enough. I’m about to invest in a pillow speaker because my headphones are from the 90s and therefore huge and ridiculous.
I did not know this was a thing. I’ve only started feeling this lately and it’s been freaking me out. I’m SO GLAD that’s it’s a normal-ish brain chemistry thing.
I get super weird and anxious and melancholy around dusk – I think there’s something about the murky light as we transition from daylight to nighttime that unsettles me. I occasionally have Night Sadness, too, but I usually just chalk that up to being up past my bedtime and being more tired than I *think* I am.
I feel the same way about the light. I always take care to turn on the lights inside before it starts to get dark outside, or else I’ll look up at a dimmed room and suddenly realize that the human condition is pain, or something like that.
ME TOO. It’s miserable looking up from whatever I’m doing, realizing that it’s begin to get dark out, and feeling like all life is doomed.
YES. As in: I’m sorry that’s happening to you. But I do know what worked for me.
It’s sugar. At least for me it was. In my teens and early twenties I was an every-night-before-bed bawler. So sad about how my life just sucked big suckness and how I’d never have friends/boyfriends etc. Every Single Night no kidding. Then, for unrelated reasons, I stopped eating sweets and sugary things for a while. After ten days I suddenly thought: “Hey, I haven’t been having evening-cry for ten days now…WOW.” And really, to me now, even years later, it’s still a total causality thing: Eat lots of sugar & sweets = boo hoo hoo, no sugar and sweets = right as rain.
Worth a try, and good luck to you. (((hug)))
At the end of my 2nd Week At a Real Office Job, I have discovered I am only productive from 10 am-2:30 pm.
So far today, I have done none of the productive things yet, and the window is closing alarmingly fast. I can only hope I was wrong about the 2:30-5 window (probably not). Anyone have any tips at how to survive/thrive/best use office time? (because my “work at home” ability is only a long tuba fart-noise)
I really struggle with this too. Some things I’ve found that help:
– setting arbitrary goals/contests for myself with rewards, like, if i do X in Y minutes I’ll go get a cookie
– pumping up the jams on headphones
– going outside and taking a walk around the block for some fresh air
Also, honestly, facing my computer screen out so everyone can see it is a total bummer but also keeps me doing actual work.
I hope you figure out some strategies that work for you!
🙂 this is so helpful though. I’m figuring out how to implement a daily walk, as I you’re right, I’d go stir-crazy too.
Hmm, the ol’ visible laptop screen. You’re right, it works. Maybe if I can find a way to work elsewhere and not huddled in my office, it’ll help. 🙂
Thank you so much!
If you have any freedom to schedule your tasks, save the mindless ones for late in the day. I save all filing for 4:00, for example.
I have incredibly delayed emotional reactions to bad/sad things, and due to Childhood and Mom Stuff I have a very, very hard time feeling anger or identifying it at anger until much after the fact, so now I am fucking furious at my ex for a bunch of things he did while we were dating, then things he did while we were friends after the fact. Which sucks, because I do want to be friends, but he did a bunch of things that hurt me really, really badly (note: some of which were objectively not that bad, but I have fucked up emotions and 0 self-esteem) that I pretty much swallowed because expressing emotions and/or needs about it would be “not productive”, and now it’s making me crazy. Like, I picked a giant potentially friendship-ending fight with him over something that didn’t matter, because I’m mad and hurt about stuff that happened months ago that I just let fester.
which is a tl;dr way of saying, I’M SO GLAD I FOUND A THERAPIST. I have a whole list of questions (how do I feel anger? how do I express anger and hurt in ways that are healthy so I don’t turn into my mother*?), all of which boil down to, “how do I exist in this world as a human being without hurting other people or myself?”
I feel like I can finally believe I will be healthy and well, and not sad all the time, or constantly worried that I’m a dangerous, horrible drain on everyone around me, and that feels… well, not even close to the same thing as being okay :v but it beats a sharp stick in the eye!
*my mother and I now have a good relationship, but she is also The Worst at expressing feelings in a healthy way, and things were really bad for a very long time.
Oh hey, me too! I started seeing a therapist about anxiety with no idea that repressed anger was any kind of factor in my life, and it turns out literally all of my anxiety is a matter of repressed anger. It’s overwhelming, isn’t it? Because now it’s like ‘what the hell do I DO with it now that I know it’s there and driving me slowly insane?”. Anyways, congrats on finding a good therapist and starting the process of getting better!
IT REALLY IS! Like, I always knew in a general sense that most people aren’t constantly fighting themselves or trying to self-destruct the way I do, but I didn’t realize the magnitude of how terribad my coping skills are until recently, and it’s kind of paralyzing, honestly.
Good luck! May we both improve, at some point in the nebulous future!
One very comforting thing I have started to realize is that when I finally let myself feel the anger, it’s not nearly so bad as I imagined it to be. The anxiety is so much worse. It’s actually one of the things that keeps me from acknowledging it– like ‘No way, these insane feelings I’ve been having can’t possibly just be a result of my old boss being a dick to me? Or my mom making mean comments about my weight when I was a kid?’ I tend to write off these things as petty (maybe kinda like you did by clarifying that your ex didn’t do anything THAT bad) even though they caused me a tremendous amount of hurt, so I don’t feel the anger and turn it into incredibly terrifying anxiety instead. So I’m trying to be like “They’re NOT petty, they are really important and hurtful, but they are also not so scary that I have any reason to continue to avoid feeling them”.
Anyways, good luck to you too!
I am very glad you found a therapist too, and I really hope that it is productive for you. We are still trying to figure out how to have our feelings in the moment and not a few days or weeks later, and it is very hard work!
Boston Toast folk: tonight I’m appearing with some other contributors to “Women In Clothes” to talk about…women in clothes. 7 PM at Harvard Bookstore. It’s free and includes a clothing swap! http://www.harvard.com/event/women_in_clothes/
This sounds awesome! I will try to come, pending a potential social obligation…
Do you have any idea if it will fill up quickly? Should I try to get there really early?
I’ve no idea about what kind of crowd we can expect. But the bookstore generally doesn’t have a lot of room for readings and is a great place to browse, so there’s no downside to going early.
That sounds so great! I am sorry I have other plans already (as glad as I am for the actual plans….)
Yesterday President Obama made a surprise visit to my workplace to eat lunch and to talk about paid sick leave. I was home with the baby instead, but it was still pretty amazing. This morning people were still going bonkers. Several requests for “what the President got,” and lots of general enthusiasm. The POTUS agreed to a selfie with my co-workers, and now their physical appearances are being sternly reviewed on reddit.
Oh man, I just saw that photo and was rage-ful at Imgur’s commenters (as I often am).
Oh, jeez. One of my coworkers posted a photo from work last year that made Reddit’s front page, and the comments on the visible coworkers were horrifying/awkward. (Even the complimentary ones, because they were made about a person who did not want their photo splashed all over the internet.)
But what DID the president get?
Ha, I just a few minutes ago drove my friend to the Greyhound station, and as we passed by I pointed and said, “The _president_ was there yesterday, drinking English breakfast tea!” She was duly impressed. Take that, friend going back to New York City.
(For real, though, I would also have been excited to be drinking coffee next to Barbara Mikulski.)
This morning I parked near a car with the vanity plate WRA8TH
At first I thought it was a fan of the seven deadly sins but then I realized the owner might just be a proud ring-wraith. As license plates go that’s pretty bad ass either way. Certainly better than GOPGRL (an actual car I was behind in traffic last week. Her bumper stickers were giving me angina and it’s a miracle that I didn’t rear-end her just to do it).
There’s a Lexus I see on my way to work on a fairly regular basis with the license plate “WEALTHY.” It is really hard to resist the urge to flip a double bird as I drive by.
Other worst license plate I’ve seen – a BMW with the plate “IRSLWYR.” I wonder how often that car gets keyed.
1. Give in! Don’t resist! Fuck that guy.
2. My brain really wanted that to work out to something like “I R Srs Lwyr” like a lolcat lawyer. I liked that person much better with that interpretation.
Those are the kind of cars that it requires all of my mental strength not to rear-end.
Last night my car started having problems while I was on the freeway behind a car with plates that read OH NOOO. Whether the curse is permanent or temporary remains to be seen.
Hey guys? Could you tell me nice comforting reassuring things?
I am about to head out to my first appointment with a psychiatrist and while I know this is a good thing I am kind of terrified.
Tell me I’m pretty, tell me how mental health professionals made your life better, etc?
You are beautiful and it will be okay! I found that going to a therapist truly was very helpful. It helped me be more conscious of my emotions and the reasons I was feeling things. Just being able to talk to someone without the expectation that you’ll then listen to their problems later was incredibly soothing. (Not that I resent doing that normally — that’s what friendship is — but a relationship with a therapist is different in a really useful way, I think.)
Good luck, you are amazing!
Not exactly what you asked for, but I just wanted to say: do not be afraid to talk back to/question your psychiatrist! I’ve been to some great mental health professionals, but also to some who didn’t listen or tried to diagnose me with too little info, and some that just weren’t good fits. So don’t be afraid to question things and make your opinion known.
This a lot. Therapy can be really unpleasant, and your therapist may not always readily acknowledge your discomfort.
My last bout of therapy CHANGED MY LIFE.
It really, really did – in such a positive way.
You are awesome, and it will be okay. *hugs*
My relationship with my psychiatrist has never been particularly close, but he’s referred me to therapy programs that have made my life a ton better and helped me find resources that I can use to keep going. Additionally, the medication I’m on right now (that he prescribed me) has improved things like 80% and I’m so happy to have found something that works.
You are wonderful and fantastic and brave!
I’m going to see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am actually excited to see him just to tell him that the current meds I am on seem to be working and I am happy and in a good place. Mental health professionals can really help, and if this isn’t the right psychiatrist you can always try someone new.
Taking the first step in deciding to go to therapy is the hardest part!! So you are already awesome and have already hurdled the biggest hurdle so now it’s just good mental health from here on out! Seriously, though, remember that a psychiatrist’s JOB involves developing rapport and gaining the trust of their patients, so if you don’t feel those things remember that that’s on them, not you — there’s no such thing as being a shitty therapy patient!! (I mean, yeah sure there *is*, like if you steal from your psychiatrist or don’t show up at appointments without calling or whatever … but this is a pep talk so let’s proceed from the premise that you are not shitty!!)
I am so happy today, because I just handed in my notice to my incredibly toxic and stressful job.
Although, I had nothing else lined up, so I negotiated with my boss to work part-time for three months training my replacement, so I don’t have a horrible gap on my resume. I can live off the part-time income.
Also, I just got an awesome part-time internship with a really cool local arts magazine which I am super excited about.
I have been struggling with SAD and depression so badly recently and this just helps so much.
whoah, nicely done with the negotiation!
Cheers and congrats on leaving a terrible job. I hope things improve exponentially after this!
Well done!
Oohhh I wonder if that’s something I can negotiate. We have several part time folks and volunteers who I’m sure would love the hours…..
I’m writing my notice for my garbage job as we speak. HIGH FIVES, TODAY IS A GREAT DAY!!! CONGRATS!!!
Yay! Awesome! Go you!
Hello, my frenemies self-loathing and ptsd are visiting this week. The former is even moving furniture in,messing up the floors.
Tell me something uplifting.
Hello LacaunaKale! I’m sorry about your awful mental housemates. I don’t know what kind of things you like but here are some things I reblogged recently on the tumblrs because they made me smile. http://toushindai.tumblr.com/post/108032712710/hu… http://toushindai.tumblr.com/post/107890645040/me… http://toushindai.tumblr.com/post/107117838265 http://toushindai.tumblr.com/post/106945654670/ch…
and here’s a terrible pun: http://toushindai.tumblr.com/post/107115848395/ch…
Are you a dog person? My usually standoffish little female spent my lunch hour today lying in my arms, her eyes closed, her head on my shoulder. This is not a first, but it is damn rare. Rarer yet, she stayed there for 15 minutes. All previous instances have been less than 20 seconds. It was soothing and I wish the same feeling for you.
The sun is coming back! It is getting higher and higher in the sky every day.
Toastfolk! Hurray for Fridays!
1. Are any of you in/around DC, and of that subset, are any of you law school grads who have successfully passed the bar? I wondered if anyone would be willing to be a study helper once or twice for a friend who is studying for next month’s exam. He’s a very lovely person and very smart, just struggling with focusing a bit right now.
2. VANCOUVER AREA Toastfolk! It’s now January! We thought we might want to meet up and chat to each other again now that December’s hustle and bustle is over. Do you still want to? Thoughts on what to do/where to go?
Ok, hi, I’m in Vancouver as you know, but got crazy socially anxious before the last meet up when Mallory was here (here is a sad tale: I was outside the bar, trying to psych myself up to go in, but then got on my bike and rode home. What.)
Anyway, I’d like to try again.
So.
Would it be easier if you met one or two of us at something else first, rather than a group thingy? If you work downtown, we could do a food fair lunch one day or something, that would be easy-peasy.
Ah you are very sweet. How about we just plan a bar thing (or whatever you like) and I will get over myself and come, and you will all be a little bit nice to me?
I think you are probably going to meet me and think “THIS person was so socially anxious?” and the answer will be yes.
I have plenty of friends with social anxiety, so I know what this looks like/have a sense of what it feels like. Really, the offer is open, if you’d like to do something smaller as a warm-up. I am often nervous in large groups I don’t know (especially when there is no cat around to retreat to).
Ok this is going to sound super weird but I don’t actually know where else to find it soooo does anyone have any practical advice or resources re. threesomes? Google has been incredibly unhelpful, it’s all terrible Cosmo/Esquire vague nonsense and articles by housewives questioning their choices about giving their husband his “special birthday gift.”
Dan Savage/Savage Love. The general advice that I find helpful: talk about it a lot first with your partner, and also with the third if you can. Make sure you know boundaries. Don’t try to go too far the first time. Don’t be afraid to speak up during if things seem weird. If you can, make it happen with an ex you’re friends with or a friend, someone who is comfortable with you and your partner and who is invested in your two as a couple. That way there won’t be the worry, what if my partner likes the other person better? And have fun! They can be great! I gave my husband one for his birthday one year, and he was very happy about it, and it was super fun. We do have to talk a lot about it, because I have jealousy issues, but it worked out pretty well for us!
I think Oh Joy Sex Toy (a webcomic by Erica Moen) has a comic about them that could get you started! I don’t remember how in-depth it goes buuuut I’m at work right now so this is all I can do for you.
I was just coming here to recommend that comic. Oh Joy Sex Toy is the best and most of the comics include links to more info (I’m also at work so I can’t check it either).
Conveniently I work from home on my own laptop! To the Google I go.
there’s a book called “The Ethical Slut”
similarly, if you search Amazon for polyamory you’ll get a lot of nonsense but also some useful books.
I hated Ethical Slut, but Tristan Taormino has books on the same topic that I liked better. Not that Ethical Slut is bad, many people love it, just saying that if it isn’t your thing, that may not mean that non-monogamy/group sex/poly/monogamishness isn’t your thing.
I’m curious – why did you hate ethical slut? I haven’t read it yet but was thinking of picking it up.
Yeah it’s not amazingly great or anything, but useful in expanding one’s ideas of what’s possible and how other people are doing it (doing it hehehehe)
I thought that was more about long-term open relationships? Does it also apply to “I don’t necessarily see this as more than a one-time thing?”
Threesomes can be pretty fun! Or terrible. I’ve experienced both. My main advice would be to talk about it a lot beforehand, with everyone involved, and really make sure you’re all on the same page. Though maybe have the conversations separately from the actual event, because it’s very easy to get nervous and start feeling weird about it.
A list of books I read during my 11 days off of work, in chronological order and for no particular reason other than I felt like sharing:
Gorky Park by Martin Cruz Smith
Scandals of Classic Hollywood by Anne Helen Peterson
As You Wish by Cary Elwes
The Man Who Loved Children by Christina Stead
Jazz by Toni Morrison
Get Shorty by Elmore Leonard
Dead Babies by Martin Amis
The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson
Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay
All courtesy of Overdrive and the lovely Toasties who first alerted me to Overdrive. Now I’m back to work but reading Popular Crime: Reflections on the Celebration of Violence by Bill James, which I believe was mentioned by someone somewhere on the Toast.
And I was going to read Fall On Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald but then realized I had already read it and just forgotten the title. I did not forget the ending though, which still pops into my head sometimes. I just forgot which book it was a part of, which I suppose is one of the dangers of reading a lot.
How was As You Wish? Worth it?
Good if your favorite movie is The Princess Bride, as mine is, and you want to every last thing about it. Probably not worth it if you’re looking more for books about Hollywood or making movies, as it is a book about making a classic film where everything was pleasant and everyone got along.
How was Scandals of Classic Hollywood? It sounds fantastic and wonderful.
Great, but much too short. Especially since I was reading on a Kindle and did not think about the endnotes, so the actual book ended when the Kindle said I was only at about 75%. I thought I had more to read and was very disappointed to come to the end. I would love a second book, especially about lesser-known early Hollywood stars.
I just started reading Elmore Leonard last year and holy crap is he great! I thought Get Shorty was really deftly plotted and man does that man have an ear for how real people talk.
Oh Toastfriends, have you ever experienced the pain of true guilt, where you really are the one to blame, and you purposefully hurt people who loved you?
A few years ago I cheated on my boyfriend and left him. I will qualify this by saying that I was in the throes of my FIRST EVER major OCD breakdown – but that just doesn’t even begin to excuse the horrible way I behaved to someone who did nothing but love and support me.
My boyfriend and I got back together about a year and a half later, and after a very happy year of being reunited I recently told him the whole story of what had happened (he knew most of it already, but yes, I do feel very bad for not telling him sooner). Instead of feeling like this was a huge weight off my mind, this sent me into – wait for it – ANOTHER massive OCD downwards spiral, where I can’t stop feeling the need to tell my boyfriend every single detail of what happened, stuff that I’d completely forgotten because I haven’t thought about it in so long, or that I don’t remember well, or the exact way I was feeling at each time.
My boyfriend keeps telling me that he doesn’t care about the past any more so long as I love him now. And I do! But I just keep thinking ‘but if he knew THIS ONE FINAL AWFUL THING, would he still forgive me then?’.
I spend so much time wracked with guilt and despair over how callous and cruel I was, and I just don’t understand how he can possibly be able to forgive me. I’ve finally gone on medication because CBT alone is not helping at all. Just don’t know what to do anymore 🙁
Oh honey, that sounds awful and hard. Please, if you can, give yourself a little bit of forgiveness and kindness, for all of it.
I think that he may not want to know every detail. I think he loves you so much that he has truly forgiven you, even if he doesn’t know every piece of it, and being with you is more important than indulging in the harmfulness of turning over every rock and pebble for information that he’s better off without.
Unless not telling him would harm him (e.g. an STD or something), I think you have to now forgive yourself.
*hugs* if you want them. Try to be gentle with yourself. I have had a few True Guilt episodes in my life, where it’s not just my jerkbrain trying to make me ruminate on pretty inconsequential (or nonexistent) stuff, but something I have to acknowledge was genuinely shitty of me.
When I have had the True Guilt despair going, I found mindfulness/meditation very helpful. There are lots out there on YouTube and so forth, and you should try a few to see if any are useful to you. I like Jon Kabat-Zinn’s recordings that guide one through some meditative practices. I am fond especially of his Body Scan exercise, and there are shorter ones available on YouTube (or his books, which I recommend if your financial situation allows it). I also found physical exercise to be helpful, and did a lot of outdoor running (often while listening to Kabat-Zinn on my earphones, ha) during the worst of it. Ditto crafts and gardening — work that requires your focus, and that produces something tangible and positive, can be very good for you during a time like this.
You are a good person. Even if you have done something bad, you are a good person, and you deserve to be cared for and loved, and you deserve peace of mind. You are not defined by what happened during a particularly rough part of your life. Hang in there. It will get better.
Agree with all of the comments above!
Also, maybe try to keep in mind that you aren’t the same person you were a year and a half ago? You’ve grown, you’ve learned, you’ve experienced way more than the you from all those months ago.
Hi, fellow scrupulosity-OCDer! I have not been in your particular situation, but I do think that medication can sometimes provide the boost needed for the CBT to actually do something. All of the suggestions I have feel a bit reassurancey, and I don’t know if your therapist is down with reassurance for at least the time needed to get the medication to an effective level. (Reassurance doesn’t really help over the long term, I’ve found.) But I don’t know if you’re at a stage where you can do low-level thought exposures to your fears.
Yes.
I am really sorry you are going through this, this kind of shame & guilt is very difficult. But it is yours, not your boyfriends; there is nothing he can say or do to you which is going to relieve you of the weight because you are the one carrying it and you are the one who will have to find a way to set it down.
This is a gut reaction from a stranger, but if you are doing talk therapy, you might explore where it is your standards come from that having been callous and cruel is something that is so hard for you to live with? I am not sure I am saying this very well, but … yes, it sounds like you made some mistakes and did some terrible things. This just makes you human, like all the rest of us! So why is it so hard to live with being human? Why is it you cannot forgive yourself for it? What is it you are getting out of making yourself continue to suffer?
You (all of you) are so wise.
Good News everyone! I’m losing my job this month! Hehhh. I’ve always been pretty frugal, so there’s not much fat I can cut from my budget EXCEPT for my spendy grocery habit. Does anyone know of good websites or cookbooks for frugal foodies? Something that isn’t just 20 variations on rice and beans (I like rice and beans, but I usually put some nice fresh chorizo from the farmer’s market in there to give it actual flavor, just one example of me tarting up a normally ‘cheap’ recipe…) I feel like I could really save a ton of money if I could find the right recipes.
Budget Bytes! She breaks her recipes down by cost, advises on different ways to treat a bulk purchase (such as making shredded pork or beef and then 3-4 recipes on what to do with it) and all of the recipes I’ve tried from her website are really good. Southwest Chicken Skillet is my jam.
Ok that Southwest Chicken Skillet is looking realllllly good right now. I should not be cruising food sites before lunch, it makes my sandwich look pretty sad!
If that link isn’t working it’s http://www.budgetbytes.com.
Budget Bytes! I love her recipes and she has some pretty good tips. Some of her recipes are spendier than others, but her Food Stamps Challenge posts from a few months ago have some really dirt cheap recipes.
Budgetbytes.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha, clearly there’s a consensus here.
I LOVE BUDGET BYTES!
I won’t be getting my promotion until a while even though I was told it would be done early in January (booo) but I AM going on a second date with a cutie on Monday and I DID read this great piece at The Atlantic on Tori Nelson and women’s boxing (http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2015/01/the-real-knockouts-of-womens-boxing/384568/?google_editors_picks=true#disqus_thread) which is (no duh) fraught with sexism and male pride.
CHOICE QUOTES:
“Esparza’s value to society lies not in her athletic ability but in her sex appeal—and that’s what we’re rewarding her for.”
“Male boxers who are represented by good gyms have the luxury of declining to fight anyone who might conceivably have the talent to beat them—and they often do, in an effort to preserve their records and their images as champions…’They like to hand-pick their fighters, but not with the women,’ [Cassandra White] said. ‘The women are willing to fight anyone. They refuse no one. ‘Bring ’em on!’”
I’m torn between thanks for the article rec and UGH, sexism.
And the comments are a hideous hive of men arguing why even they, armchair athletes, are probably better than these women. And how no woman could ever hope to win against a man, so all women’s athletics are pointless.
I restarted physio for my back injury yesterday as my physiotherapist has been off sick for three months and I am in HUGE amounts of pain now. She acupunctures me and having needles stuck into the 18-month-old spasmy muscle knots in your back hurts like a motherfucker. I feel like I’ve been beaten.
But I am going to see Omid Djalili tonight so that is making me happy. My family all got each other tickets for it instead of our secret santa thing for Christmas. (I mustn’t forget to go and pick mother up in half an hour.)
Why are the comments all weird, is it just me? No thumbs-upses? Weird format?
This happened to me a while back! You might try uninstalling and reinstalling AdBlock, if you’re using it, or making sure that it’s not blocking an IntenseDebate process.
I am oh so tired and really need to use today to take back Christmas stuff, but after a night of being kept awake by on/off/either-way-always-dysfunctional girlfriend fucking her new boyfriend (in her defense, the walls in her new place are insanely thin) I am just not feeling life. And I would have headed home but a water-main break kept me away from my car, and well, of course it did. Seriously, just, just read what I just typed, what the fuck is wrong with me. Hey 2015! You look a lot like 2014!!
I fucking hate January. I fucking hate malls.
(hope everyone has a great weekend!!!11)
That’s because malls fucking suck.
I’m sorry about all the other shit though. I hope your weekend is better than your Friday.
Thanks, I really appreciate it. At least I avoided the mall and think I have convinced another poor soul to return some things for me (they will be going to that horrorshow anyway) . Progress.
You have a minion! Well done.
Toasties, do any of you have good advice for dealing with nighttime “someone might break into my house” anxiety? I’ve been dealing with it on and off since October when an internet acquaintance had her house broken into and talked about it online. I know that it’s fairly irrational, we live in a fairly low crime city and the crime mapping website that shows all the police reports shows no burglaries in the last year in a 1 mile radius of where we live. However, I still get mild panic attacks most nights when I’m trying to go to sleep and house makes noises. I’ve tried breathing exercises and reading instead of screen time before bed, but that hasn’t helped much.
I definitely know that feeling — I only have it occasionally, when all my housemates are out of town and it’s windy. Have you tried playing music or a white noise machine as you fall asleep to mask the sounds of your house? I don’t use white noise but I know there are a few apps to download if you want to give it a shot.
I haven’t tried music, it might be good because it would give me something to sort of focus on like white noise wouldn’t.
Have you thought about getting an alarm system? My parents live in a super safe area, but something about sleeping alone in a single family home creeps me out. So the only time I ever have to do it, I set the alarm while I am sleeping.
I’ve considered it, but it’s kind of a major investment and I’m not sure I can justify. I am planning on lobbying heavily for motion sensor lights on the front and back door once it warms up enough for outside home improvement projects.
This is not helpful at all, but a dog is a really good alarm system. (If someone told me to get a dog, I would laugh in their face, and not because I don’t love dogs.)
My husband would love to get a dog. Our two cats, however, would never forgive us…
Some days I’m like “I WANT A DOG SO BAD” but 1) we both work a lot, etc, and 2) our cats would never forgive us, and our big cat would actually attempt to murder the dog, and may be successful, so.
One thing that helped me after I got mugged was to put something in front of the door before settling in for the night. It might not be a good permanent solution (and maybe shouldn’t be, for interests of general safety anyway), but just knowing there was a barrier, even a small one, between me and anyone trying to break in helped me sleep a lot better.
Can you identify concretely what it is your are afraid of? And then start taking steps to figure out what you would do if that thing happened? For me it is the free-floating anxiety that is the worst.
You can buy little alarms that will go off if, for example, your window is opened from the outside. Basically, they work by going off if the two pieces forming the alarm are no longer in contact with one another. You can find them by googling on-line. They’re often sold alongside things like pepper spray. It’s very cheap ($5?) but it will scare off many types of burglars (because most burglars want as low-risk a situation as possible).
I got it after seeing someone with a hoodie over their face peering into my ground-floor windows one by one — basically he was casing the place. Very scary! But knowing the alarm was there really helped — that, and having my cell phone near my bed at night. We can’t prevent everything, no one can, but it is good knowing there is something you can do, and that you’ve discouraged a big percentage of the burglar-types already.
I have a lot of trouble with this as well, pretty much all my life. For me the key is not letting my imagination get the best of me, because otherwise I jsut think of every possible horrible thing that can happen. Here are some things I do:
1. Keep pepper spray (well, it’s actually bear spray, because I live in Alaska) by my bed.
2. Think about calming stuff. For me this is usually thinking about doing stuff with people I love. I also find comfort thinking about my neighbors and how nice they are and what a nice neighborhood it is in the daytime.
3. If it’s really bad I do this weird thing where I slowly spell out the name of everyone I know in my head, starting with close friends and family usually. This really helps me fall asleep because its super boring. And it doesn’t tend to lead about thinking about scary things because I just end up thinking about people I know.
Finally, as to reading, I think it’s important to read the right kind of books. I think “chick lit” is great for this sort of thing because it’s easily engrossing and very rarely scary. I also find that books I’ve already read can be comforting and helpful towards falling asleep.
I’m sad about Selma not getting as many Oscar nominations as it should have, combined with the overwhelming white male-ness of Hollywood. I watched Django Unchained for its cathartic qualities last night, but today I was listening to a pop culture podcast about the issue, and it made me sad again.
Art ethics question: Let’s say someone wants to purchase a print of Picasso’s “Le Chien,” pictured below, from a dealer for something a little north of $100. But let’s also say that one could extremely easily just trace the same work and frame it yourself for, oh, $5. Is that unethical? It’s not like the printmaker is Picasso, and it’s not like I’d be selling it. Just hanging it up on our wall.
It’s my contention that it’s perfectly fine to trace and frame ourselves. It’s my fiance’s contention that this is weird. Jury?
I would tend to side with not weird myself. Consider it your interpretation on that piece :). But really, Where is this print dealer sourcing the prints from? Some official recognition of Picasso’s estate? In any case, I personally would think you’d be in the clear.
Do it! There are literally zero downsides I can think of. And you can put on dramatic music and pretend to be counterfeiting a priceless masterpiece like in the movies!
please do this
I dunno, I say trace away. I’ve never really been an art person — I’ve never gotten why people spend hundreds or thousands of dollars for a copy of something to put on their wall. Especially something like that that would be easy to trace. Maybe some actual Art People have different opinions, though?
My opinion is that of only one person, but as an art historian, I would say that the valuation of art is a collective delusion, forgery/connoisseurship is a lost art, and I would totally save some money and do a reproduction myself. It’s not even illegal as long as you don’t try to sell it.
Further reading: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_A._Landis
It’s the visual equivalent of a cover song. As long as you don’t draw a dude with an acoustic guitar warbling through Wonderwall or Wish You Were Here, you’re in the clear.
In art school they make you pick and artist and copy them paintstroke by paintstroke to be sure you understand what they did, so, consider it an art assignment.
Trace it. It’s not like Picasso is missing out on a sale. Besides, it might make you appreciate it even more. I made a set of napkins embroidered with art from French cave paintings, and I appreciate the nuances and artistry of them so much more now that I’ve had to really pay attention to the use of line thickness, perspective, and the other complicated stuff that isn’t immediately evident in a line drawing.
I’m also on Team Whatever, Trace That Shit (trace it onto a urinal! peg every art bird with every stone!), but I also want to ask if you have any pictures of those napkins, because that sounds absolutely gorgeous.
I don’t think I do! I took a bunch of photos, then I don’t think I actually saved them to my computer before I deleted them off the camera. They were a gift for my sister, I should really ask her if they held up to use and washing and whatnot and get her to take a photo if they did.
I also used to teach Ethics. (Disclaimer: HATED IT!)
And I concur — trace away, but write something snarky where the signature would go.
Art.com has one for $27, which might be a good middle ground? There are probably even cheaper prints if you look, I suspect it mostly depends on how fancy the paper is.
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/901510…
Unless you do something sufficiently transformative, or you’re doing it for educational purposes, it probably wouldn’t pass the four-factor Fair Use test. (Link) So it would violate the copyright on the work. As for ethics, I fall more on your fiance’s side of the argument, but I’m not sure why — part of it’s that for this work, it’s hard to tell a tracing from a print from the original anyway, I think.
Showing my ignorance of copyright law, but wouldn’t I have to in some way profit from the creation, or otherwise take credit for it, for it to breach copyright law?
Hmmmm, this from a NYT article [which I am copyingggg]:
But if the work of art is more recent, the artist generally has the exclusive right to any reproduction, and the piece is generally covered by copyright law.
In this case, “if you take a picture, you are making a reproduction and that is a copyright violation,” Prof. Sprigman said. And that applies even if you are just planning to hang the reproduction for your own private use. “That’s still a violation,” he said.
Meh. If the ghost of Picasso, or a member of his estate, visits my house and calls shenanigans, I will willingly submit to whatever punishments they deem fit.
Not exactly — for example, photocopying an entire book, even without monetary gain, is a clear violation of copyright law. But of course college students do it all the time, and no one pursues legal action, so.
Two things to keep in mind: first, fair use is a legal defense, not a standard, and second, it is an enormous freaking gray area. Basically this is how fair use works: someone says, “you’re infringing!” You/your lawyer say, “but fair use, because of 1, 2, 3, 4.” The judge then has basically all the leeway in the world to decide which of the four factors are most relevant and how badly you’ve infringed on them, or not.
That being said, I would estimate the legal risk here as roughly equivalent to driving one mile per hour over the speed limit. Maybe two. (I am not a lawyer but have lots of professional experience with copyright law.) In order to pursue this, the Picasso estate would basically have to break into your house to establish that you had reproduced content without permission, and then further prove that your reproduction did not qualify as fair use. I am not worried for you.
OH MAN.
On Tuesday, a lovely acquaintance/friend invited me to her house, along with another acquaintance/friend. On my way there, I had slipped on ice and smashed the bottle of red I was intending to give (I was okay!), but found a wine store right across the street. Hah.
We watched Downton Abbey and drank. It was great!
Then the other guest kindly gave me a ride home and it turned into a PITY PARTY.
First, she is very lovely, kind, and smart. She had announced to us she and her husband were trying to get pregnant. Cool! I gave nothing but well wishes and assured her I was sure she’d conceive soon (they’ve been trying for, like, a few weeks?). In the car, she asked me IF I WANTED BABIES. She seemed to think I was stridently against babies before (I’ve always, always taken the stance I didn’t want one at this time, but could see having one if the desire came, of course), when I was partnered, and now, as a single, MAYBE I DID WANT THEM NOW? Like, now that I’m a single 29-year-old woman, I’m getting baby and dying-alone panic? And when I told her I was doing fine and getting myself out and going out to movies and enjoying my own company, she was like, “WATCHING MOVIES ALONE — SO SAD.”
I do NOT want to be a bitter single person. I want to be vivacious, funny, self-assured, and a friend people want to see. I don’t want to be a person railing against partnership just because (although I continue to rail against BAD partnerships). But if this happens again, I can’t help but fear/worry I will begin to curdle and strike out in ways I don’t believe in.
And the worst part is I feel compelled to act graciously, or extend gratitude, because I do feel she is trying to comfort me or come from a place of empathy. But UGH. It was not helping.
My smile had become more and more plastic. By the end of the ride, I was pretty upset, inside. I went home and burst into tears a couple of times. Being an object of pity is horrible.
Ohhh my god. I just want to say, no matter how lovely and theoretically empathetic that friend is, she was WAY out of line. What she said wasn’t any more appropriate than if you’d said “Say, now that you’re married and getting pregnant do you feel sad about how you’ll probably never have sex again, at least until your highly-likely divorce?” Trying to comfort someone when they have expressed no need for comfort is not actually a nice act.
And honestly, people who feel the need to pity people for not living their personal nuclear-family dream are probably not actually as gloriously happy with their lives as they make out. She’s really more likely to be the object of pity than you are.
Thank you. Also the worst part: She was poking things I do think and worry about. I do think about kids a bit more, although I don’t know if I want them more. I do worry about the uncertainty of the future, and what choices I’ll be able to make. So it sends me into this worry spiral I’m already trying to manage without people bringing it up!
The part where she called my going to movies alone “sad” was probably when I realized she couldn’t even hear me being pleased. (Yes, I feel a little ambivalent about some things, but seriously, going to the movies is pretty good.)
Like she thought maybe I was just presenting a front for others, and I’m just lying to myself so I’m not constantly depressed and crying. Then I had to think, “OH MY GOD *AM* I LYING TO MYSELF?”
Oh man, I feel you on the worries about the future. Thing is, even if you were actually feeling a little sad about it that’s exactly WHY she was being so rude, because you clearly did not want to talk about it. You don’t say to someone “Sooo how are you feeling about your father’s death? Fine? NO REALLY, ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SAD??”
I think single ladies end up with a lot of pressure to either be TOTALLY STOKED or TOTALLY FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT. Like you either have to feel like being single is glamorous and the best and you never want kids, or you’re desperately pining for a husband. If you’re like me, chances are sometimes you feel sad about it and sometimes you feel great, like when you’re seeing an awesome movie by yourself. You’re not lying to yourself, you’re just yknow, a person with a normal range of varying emotions.
I don’t know if the system ate my email response, but SO YES on the totally stoked/totally freaking out dichotomy. And the bad part about the whole “you must feel one way” is that if you ever, ever change your mind, people will probably throw it in your face (like Bothari’s “you’ve been faking” friend)! So I feel compelled to be restrained all the time, or downplay.
Even just admitting to myself that I’ve enjoyed living alone I’ve only told a few people quietly, and I feel like I have to always say, “It still gets lonely sometimes.” Which is a bit sadface for everyone in the conversation.
Oh jesus, that’s horrible.
She miiiiight also be a bit jealous. I’m not sure. But maybe she would really like to be more alone than she is, and so has to criticise it in you.
(As an aside, I recently told my boyfriend how I regret never living alone, and he got SUPER NERVOUS and I was like GOOD. Be nervous. Make yourself the best roommate you can be, lest I leave you for sweet solitude. (no, actually, I was kind and reassuring because relationship, but still.))
She was way out of line. Sounds like she was trying to relieve some of her own anxiety about the BIG STEP she is trying to take by confirming to herself that her choice is the most desirable choice.
All you can really do when trapped in a car with such a person is reiterate how you are OK with how you are doing now/satisfied with the choices you’ve made. And hope that she takes the hint! Sheesh.
It was upsetting for so many reasons, even the idea this could really be about her feelings, not mine. I just want to comfort her if she’s unsure!
You’re totally right … I just tried to stick to the party line — I’m good, I’m working at it, and sometimes I’m down, but it’s okay. I had no idea how to “debate” her, so I just repeated the truth. I wanted so much to assure her getting out of the relationship was good, but I hate that it meant crapping on something my ex had with me, so I didn’t.
I don’t really want people to say they pity me OR envy me (please don’t make me reassure you how awesome your life is, because I do get lonely sometimes and have to work actively to deal with it).
Let’s just get a little drunk and let me make snarky remarks at soapy dramas. It’s all I ask.
Ugh, how dreadful!
I’m going to have to disagree with you and say that people that openly, tactlessly make a show of pitying another person’s life cannot be kind and smart. One out of the two, tops.
Armchair psychology time, but I believe many ‘well-meaning’ gestures and platitudes like hers come from a place of fear. I don’t doubt for one moment that her myopic, tone-deaf trampling of your feelings is the result of her own doubts of whether or not she’ll be able to conceive. The prospect of not having kids obviously unsettles her and that’s why she latched onto the topic and wouldn’t let go, like someone about to drown.
The other guest was superselfish! She may be totally wrapped up in her own quest but that has nothing to do with you or any other woman on earth. She probably did think she was showing empathy but she was doing no such thing, and you treated her generously.
Oh my goooood. When I was single I had this (VERY LOVELY) friend who was constantly telling me how much she wished I could just meet someone great. Like, fuck you, 1) thanks for the hot tip I’ll just get right on that I was only waiting for your advice to find someone great and now I will and 2) thanks for the pity which I really do not need.
I eventually told her to stop. I straight up told her that, while I think she was coming from a place of kindness, her comments were hurtful. It was a tiny bit awkward, but so worth it.
I don’t see her a lot at all, so I just want to endure it, but you’re right. Eventually I might just have to shut it down, but I HATE showing this real vulnerability to her. AHHHH.
I need some kind of snarky line about wishes. Like every time somebody wishes I could just meet a great guy (so I can finally be HAPPY), an angel gets its wings.
Argh, yes. And she waited till she got you alone so you could have this Lifetime movie heart-to-heart? No carpooling for her next time! I had two back-to-back relationships that I would go back and undo in a heartbeat if I had a time machine, and when I broke up with Guy #2, it was SO AWESOME and I loved being single and I promised myself I’d be single for six years (the cumulative amount of time I’d spent with Guy #1 and Guy #2) as atonement for my stupidity. It started out as a joke, but turned into years of happily single. At about year nine, I mentioned to a friend that maybe I wouldn’t mind going out on a date sometime in the future. Her eyes lit with unholy glee, she slapped the kitchen table, and yelled “I KNEW IT! I KNEW you were faking!” Seriously? I don’t get why people are so invested in other people’s love-lives. Or just life-lives.
FAKING? OH GOD NO. Why does wanting a new thing invalidate all the time before? I struggled with that early on and realized that’s completely silly. I can be happy single and also want one day to have a wonderful partner, if I can find such a person.
I think it was supposed to be kind … like we could have a private conversation. I get that. I was thankful nobody was there to agree with her, so I could concentrate on how crazy the entire moment was.
I like dating so far, but I also like taking it as trying out new people and seeing who I can meet. I’ve discovered I like discussing my dates with my co-worker because he’s more even-keeled, as opposed to other people I know because I subconsciously feel they’ll put WAY too much weight on it. Like, “DO YOU LIKE HIM? Oooooooooh.” Yes, I guess? But it could fizzle out. I’m not being down! It’s just the truth, if you remember how dating can be like.
Again, it’s like people think these answers are uninteresting. Like every date I go on has to potentially be THE ONE. Because that sounds both stressful and unrealistic.
I have a very good friend who I rarely talk to about guys because she always takes it way too seriously. I think it comes from a place of just wanting me to have a partner to love because I’ve been single since basically forever and would indeed like that to end. But every time I tell her about a first date she just gets way too excited. Once after my third date with a guy she asked me if I thought it could be love or just lust. After three dates.
That is a deeply bizarre response. However, I read it in Prince Humperdinck’s voice, when he’s on the bed and Westley has just managed to get up and hold the sword and then he collapses a little bit, and Humperdinck says nearly that exact thing, “I knew you were faking.” So that’s entertaining at least.
Ha! That does make it better.
Gloriana, you sound like you’re being tremendously sensible about the whole thing! Don’t let the well-meaning weirdos get you down.
Thank you; that is kind!
Hahaha that is so ridiculous. Get a grip!
People reveal a lot about themselves in their opinions about your life, don’t they?
That person was committing an act of aggression against you. Period. There is no excuse for behaving that way to someone. I would have had a difficult time not punching her.
I also wanted to tell you that once I broke a bottle of wine putting the bag down on a tile floor, and mentioned it off-hand next time I was in the liquor store, and the guy was like “oh, you should have brought it back”. o_0
But where live the liquor store is run by the government anyway, so everything is very topsy turvy.
So do I!!!! >_< LCBO
Is anyone watching Agent Carter? It’s only three episodes, but I’m starting to develop a dangerous obsession here.
yes! i posted about it last week in the open thread because i have hearts in my eyes for hayley atwell.
I have never shipped anything like I ship Peggy and Angie.
did you see hayley’s tweets that just said “angie i need you” and “peggy loves angie” I MEAN REALLY
hayley atwell has amazing chemistry with everyone though, it’s incredible. i love the friendship between her and jarvis. also how amazing is it that they gave jarvis the backstory of having committed treason to get his jewish wife out of nazi-occupied territory? the show could use more poc but in other aspects it has been A+.
That backstory for Anna makes me want her to be a developed, actual character. In the first two, I liked the idea that Jarvis had this wholesome, developed domestic life that we never, ever see. But now it’s a real thing and I want her to be in it.
it was definitely weird that we just heard her voice but didn’t get to see her. it makes me thing that when we actually get to see her, it’ll be a reveal in some way…and will hopefully involve something interesting for her character.
I have said this elsewhere, but I predict it will be the ship that launches a thousand ships.
I’m puzzled by all the people postulating that Carter and Souza end up together. He served on Iwo Jima, Cap served in Europe, Peggy says that one of the men who Steve freed became her husband, the end, right? My money’s on her boo being one of the Howling Commandoes, but I will SPIT if it’s Agent Blondguy McBlandersons at SSR.
i don’t think sousa was at iwo jima. the only time iwo jima gets mentioned is when sousa himself is talking about thompson (aka blondguy mcblandersons) and says “heard he had his personality shot off in iwo jima”
You are likely right. I just want it to be someone less predictable (I’d had hopes for it being Gabe Jones, but rewatching CA:TWS, I noticed that the pictures of her kids showed that he was unlikely to be their dad. Sorrow.)
gabe jones would have been great! but it sure looks like they’re pointing in the sousa direction…he’s been by far the most respectful and interesting potential male love interest so far. and that whole “she wouldn’t trade a shield for a crutch” thing was pretty well-crafted for everyone to yell at their tv, “but peggy loved skinny steveeeee.”
*whispers*
peggy & angie forever though
“Who Peggy marries” and “who is the love of Peggy’s life” are entirely different questions. She wouldn’t be able to make an honest woman out of Angie for another 60 years, and even if nothing terrible happens to her (if it does, so help me god, Marvel), I’m not sure Angie will make it into her 80s.
Which isn’t to say Peggy will have to give it all up! She’s probably bisexual, given her feelings for Steve, and she’s a secret agent, so it’s not like she’s trying to melt into mid-century suburbia.
Given how much I like Enver Gjokaj from Dollhouse and Community, this could veer into OT3 territory.
I mean, they don’t have to get MARRIED for her to tap that.
Peggyyyyyyyy! I just watched all three episodes last night and I’m loving it. I love Peggy and her fighting style of “hit men with things until they fall down.” I love Angie and her absolute determination to be Peggy’s best friend. I love Jarvis and his adorable househusband lifestyle, punctuated with random Peggy-related violence. And god help me but I am loving the Captain America Adventure Show.
Can I vent for a minute toasties? We need to go see my partner’s father tomorrow, who has recently returned to our area after a string of job losses in the states. He was a terrible father to my husband, and it sounds like he’s being a pretty lousy dad to the three daughters he had with his new wife. Anyway, I’m dreading this because he’s one of those guys who spends literally all day on Facebook reposting faux-liberal memes about how much he hates the government and the 1%. Caught up in these are often misogynistic “real women have curves” bullshit and how he’ll come after any man dating his daughters. He also likes to call women’s tattoos tramp stamps. I have three, so I guess I am a super tramp? IDK, dreading tomorrow. My husband also sent him money to help with Christmas, and never got a thank you.
Ugh that sucks. I’m sorry.
Whatever he says, whatever he does, you get to LEAVE and go home and bundle up in bed with maybe some tea or wine and a nice book/TV show. Good luck.
Does anyone here play the Professor Layton games? Has anyone played (and finished) Professor Layton and the Azran Legacy? Because I finished it last night and WHAT. THE FUCK.
(The other primary event of my week has been trying to deal, long-distance, with my husband and his dad getting into a nasty car accident in Florida. Husband is unhurt, his dad is hurt but not seriously, so there’s no reason for me to rush to their side or anything, but obviously husband is really shaken up and I have been doing a lot of emotional labor (and also logistical insurance crap labor) over the phone and I am DONE with this week. Let’s talk about the silly puzzle game instead.)
YES I love Layton hi. Yes indeedy. I got Layton v Phoenix Wright for Christmas but haven’t started it yet. Maybe it won’t be so insane?
I MEAN WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED. Also, I may have yelled “I CAN’T SOLVE A PUZZLE RIGHT NOW I’M BUSY CRYING” at the game when it tried to present me with the very final puzzle.
I haven’t been planning to play that one, because I haven’t played any of the Phoenix Wright games (and am not really interested in them). But once you’ve started it, I’d be interested in your review and whether you think it would be fun/worthwhile!
I am more of a Phoenix Wright person than a Layton person but I definitely found PLvsPW to be EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATING in places. Like, in all the best ways, but MAN. It does not shy away from [spoilers redacted].
Anyway enjoy it, when you have a chance to start!
I found the PLvsAA plot to be right in the middle of the Layton games, plot-batshittery-wise. More batshit than Curious Village, Last Specter, and Miracle Mask, but less than Azran Legacy, Diabolical Box, and Unwound Future. Unfortunately, Layton is Asshole Layton from the first arc of the Layton games, but Phoenix and Maya are good. Maya is the best character in the game by a laughably wide margin.
I tried so hard to play Diabolical Box but I was so bad at it that I actually looked up nearly every single answer. I loved the storyline though, but I’M SORRY I AM SO BAD AT PUZZLES PROFESSOR 🙁
Azran Legacy is my favorite! The interface and download puzzles are the best they’ve ever been, and I loved traveling the world. Also, I normally don’t like the batshit Layton plots, but the ending of Azran Legacy, specifically the Layton backstory stuff, was SO BATSHIT that it wrapped back around to awesome. It was supposed to be this heartrending tearjerker of a moment and I was laughing my ass off.
Yeah, you know, in retrospect I’m not sure why this was the one that struck me as just too far. Like: really, brain, you were perfectly happy to suspend your disbelief for the entire plot of Unwound Future, but you’re getting hung up about WHAT IS GOING ON, IS THERE NO DEPARTMENT OF CHILD SERVICES OR WHATEVER IN RURAL ENGLAND IN… WHATEVER THE HELL TIME PERIOD THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE, HOW HAVE WE ARRIVED AT A SITUATION WHERE THE ONLY POSSIBLE FATES FOR THESE TWO TINY ABANDONED CHILDREN ARE “BE ADOPTED BY A NICE COUPLE WHO HAVE SOMEHOW RANDOMLY HEARD ABOUT HOW CLEVER ONE OF YOU IS BUT AREN’T CLEAR ON WHICH ONE” OR “WHATEVER, WOLVES WILL PROBABLY RAISE HIM, IT’S FINE”? (Edit: oh my God, it just occurred to me that, y’know, everyone else who has ever wanted to verify Layton’s identity has made him solve a puzzle, and now I can’t stop imagining that scene with a PUZZLE CHALLENGE added. “Which one of you is the super-intelligent baby we want to take home? Let’s find out… using these matchsticks!” Why didn’t you go there, game? You should have gone there.)
… ahem. Anyway. I see above that you played Layton vs. Phoenix Wright — what do you think, would it be worth playing for a person who only really cares about one of the franchises involved?
I’d say it comes down to how into the Layton games you are – if you consider yourself legitimately a fan, I think you’ll like it enough for it to be worth the effort. Assuming you’re not specifically opposed to Ace Attorney, of course (but if you are, don’t play it). The gameplay alternates between the two series fairly evenly, but the world feels more like the Layton world, while the characters feel more like Ace Attorney characters. The plot feels like a Layton plot during Layton gameplay and an AA plot during AA gameplay.
AND RE AZRAN LEGACY, they knew the name of the boy they were adopting, but not his age? And whoever “arranged” it found a home for the older boy who ultimately proved capable of living on his own, but not for the younger one who ended up with no memory of his life beforehand?
I will say though, sincerely, that I cried at the end of the game. (And then again at the end of the credits, where I had just regained my composure and then the last little cartoon over the credits was Emmy walking away from the camera, ALL ALONE, and I lost it again.) It was batshit plot, but it was really well-told batshit.
Anyone else waiting for graduate school decisions? Want to flail in anxiety with me? I am actually not too stressed about getting IN, it’s the getting funding part, and then the making the big life decision about where to move, and is grad school even really a good idea, and let me see if I can mess up my newish relationship with my anxiety about whether or not I’m going to move away, and waiting, and blahhhhh.
My husband is waiting on his decisions and keeps turning to me in the dark and whispering, “What do I do when I don’t get in anywhere?”
Grad school application numbers are down, so it may be worth trying to negotiate with the school about fellowship money if you get in but it is a bit too expensive (maybe not for the most competitive programs, but once you are in it can’t hurt anything). Just my 2 cents as a grad school administrator.
If you don’t get any/enough money, GOOD GRIEF, DON”T GO! Reapply next cycle.
(This advice applies to PhDs in the humanities, where full funding is absolutely necessary. YMMV in other disciplines.)
Oh yeah, absolutely not. It’s a master’s degree and funding’s not guaranteed, though it is available at some places. But I’m not going to go if I have to go into (more!) education debt in order to do so.
Glad to hear it!
When it comes to grad school in the humanities, follow the money, and avoid debt like the plague it truly is.
It’s weird. I got healthy, well sobered up for a week and ate better, and now my body is like “No this is the new standard, you can’t abuse me anymore” so that’s good, I guess. Oh I have to watch what i eat and drink? This life is rough. Also I’ve been exercising (who am I?) I can do 9 pull-ups/chin-ups and I weigh 190 so that’s something. Pull ups are fucking difficult. Basically I’m telling y’all that I’m getting sexier than I was, which some would say is impossible. ALSO I’m still secretly in love with my friend who is not available for love right now and it is a legit struggle for me to suppress my uncontrollable feelings for her because they are in direct contrast to her situation. There’s a clash between staying cool, cerebrally, and the romantic emotions that spring up and overtake me without warning. I can only stifle so much, so I’ve taken to ignoring her as much as I can, for my own sake, (still hangout twice a week, way less texting in between) and GO FIGURE the oldest trick in the book still works (hard to get/show them what their missing) because she’s acting eager for me, missing me. Why do I need to vent these things here in addition to my 2 or 3 close friends? Probably because there is, almost without fail, at least one response/perspective that is more helpful than my friends saying “Yeah, that sucks” or “I feel ya”.
I quit drinking for a month, and now two glasses of wine will make me feel horrendously nauseous a few hours later. IT’S TERRIBLE. Also, I am also working on health/weight stuff and struggling to deal with the aspects of it that are inevitably about hotness and not just health in my brain, so I’m gonna adopt “I’m getting sexier than I was, which some would say is impossible” as my new mantra. Thank you.
I cut out drinking for about a year trying to solve some dietary issues / weirdness and have never recovered any sort of tolerance since. I actually start to feel ill way before any kind of drunkenness now if I drink too much (by which I mean a few drinks).
Tinder Update! (See last week’s open thread for part one.)
Went on date #2 on Monday with the great dude from last week, and we had a pretty fantastic time. No plans yet for another date, but I think I might text him later to see what he’s up to tomorrow. The part of my brain that looks for reasons to bail thinks that he might not be super into it — not much in the way of physical contact, and he’s reiterated a few times that he would be fine with being friends if that’s how it goes — but the Nicki Minaj part of my brain yells that I am a beautiful sex goddess and stomps on the first part.
Hey, anyone else out there trying the online dating thing and looking for cheerleaders? Let’s turn this into a regular thread! I’m also on OkCupid, with less success thus far. Talk at me!
Congrats on the date!
How is tinder treating you? How does it interface with your facebook account? I find OKCupid OVERWHELMINGLY anxiety-inducing (I dislike strongly the feeling of being looked at, and I was overwhelmed by getting a bunch of messages after filling out my race and my height and literally two sentences about myself), and tinder seems like it would be less likely to send me into a spiral of bad, although I may have to make a separate facebook account for tindering (and coffee meets bagel) purposes.
The relationship between Tinder and Facebook isn’t too bad! It will pull your first name, your age, and your profile pictures (you can choose which ones to show on Tinder); when you’re flipping through matches, it will show you if you have any mutual friends or interests on Facebook. I know there are some people who set up a second Facebook account because they aren’t comfortable with their real name being out there, but generally it’s not much of an invasion of your privacy!
What I really like about Tinder is that it gives you the opportunity to decide who is allowed to message you. If you get slimeballs, you can disappear them pretty quickly. I DO find that guys on Tinder are little more aggressive in terms of ascertaining whether you’re dtf (I have been asked my bra size more than once) but if you’re really just looking to exchange a few messages and then grab a drink with someone, Tinder is perfect. It feels to me like there’s less pressure to exchange a lot of messages, which usually causes me to lose interest.
Hope that helps!
That is really helpful, thanks!
I got out of a long-term relationship recently (my first experience with literally anything dating related, too), so low-key meeting people sounds way more my speed than my very brief OKC experience, heh.
Wow, good luck to you then! I hope you have fun!
YES hi I have been actually doing the dating thing recently! I have had absolutely 0 luck with Tinder, except finding ridiculous dudes to make fun of on twitter. But I’ve had surprisingly good luck with okcupid recently! I went on 4 dates with one dude who pulled the disappearing act on me, which was a bummer but I wasn’t all that sure I liked him yet, so I’m fine with it.
I had one perfectly pleasant yet boring date with a lawyer this week and I have TWO dates with other guys lined up for next week! I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself/the dates, and just have fun meeting new people and going on dates. So far it seems to be working okay!
Also do you know about the app B612? It makes you look like a beautiful goddess all the time. I recently changed my main photo to a B612 selfie and very shortly thereafter got a few good messages! I really recommend that. 🙂
Yayyyy good for you! I think that’s the perfect attitude for online stuff and one I’m trying to adopt as well. I’m curious whether you’re sending a lot of first messages or letting dudes come to you? I usually let guys message me first and then I’m not too shy about asking them to meet up, but I think I might switch it up.
I have never heard of that app but I am checking it out right this very instant!
Lately I haven’t had any luck with people I’ve messaged first. I dated one guy for a couple months in the fall that I’d messaged first, but otherwise everyone I’ve actually arranged dates with has messaged me first. I usually like to exchange a couple of messages and then quickly move to texting and making plans for a drink. If we’re not going to hit it off in person, better to find out before I’ve wasted tons of time emailing! I haven’t met anyone yet who balks at that timeline.
You and I have the same style! I haven’t been on any OKC dates yet but I’m glad that’s working out for you!
It really comes and goes in waves, I went months and months without anything and now like 3 guys at once!
With OKC I also recommend logging in pretty often, even if you’re not looking at profiles. The more recently you’ve been online the more you get bumped up to the top of searches, so the more people see your profile.
Ooooh, that’s a VERY good time. Thank you!
OKcupid is mostly dudes who clearly haven’t read my profile sending me messages calling me beautiful. I just got tinder last week, and while I’ve gotten a few matches, no messages.
Oh well! Alone forever!
I am also finding that on OKC lately! I also get a lot of guys from other countries, which is… no.
I get about one message for every 15 matches on Tinder, so don’t feel like a loser! Are you comfortable sending some messages? You might feel too ‘meh’ about it to bother (I did for a really long time) but if you’re really angling to meet someone it couldn’t hurt? But you do you!
OKC definitely has quite a few dudes who can’t read/don’t care what profiles say. I specifically put in my profile that I don’t respond to out-of-country messages, and promptly got like a dozen American guys saying “hey”. Oh lookie, the delete button. BYE.
Yay for the fantastic time! Maybe I need to give Tinder a try.
I’ve been online dating for a few months now, and it’s crazy how it can change from week to week. One week, I’m despairing of the people who choose to message me and men who write “writing about myself is HARD”, and figuring out how to end conversations I no longer want to have, and then the next week, I’m bantering with someone attractive, and on an up. So now, whenever I’m starting to feel grumbly, I try to remember I have ZERO idea what next week will bring.
EDIT: I am on OKC!
Tinder is a pretty solid supplement to OKC; I use it more heavily because it’s easier to squeeze in during bathroom breaks at work, but it is, admittedly, very very shallow.
I always find that when I start to click with one guy, suddenly a bunch of other good dudes come out of the woodwork. I feel like a baller for about 20 seconds and then I start to get stressed out about talking to so many people. And then all the good dudes dry up and I’m getting messages from 50-somethings in New Jersey. It’s crazy how it fluctuates!
I KNOW. And I worry about not putting enough effort into making a connection with some people when I get flooded, and miss out on some guys. But can’t worry too hard about that …
I still shake my head about the guy who was literally the same age as my dad (and I had specified a limit about a decade and a half younger). He sent me phrases in Mandarin (without even checking that I spoke Cantonese) and told me how he had held senior positions at companies.
But I’ve met some cool people, and I definitely am meeting more people than I would in my normal life (too averse to social meatspace). To me, it’s so much better than the alternative.
What is it with these dudes! I’m sure it never occurred to most of them that a woman might actually have tastes or preferences in men and think that just the gesture of sending a message with a compliment will win us over. Ugh. #misandry
As long as the cool person-weirdo ratio is working out for you, keep doin’ it, girl! That’s my plan, anyway.
I actually just disabled both my Tinder and OKC accounts. Tinder gave me too many creepers (first match said ‘how long do I have to talk to you before I get to send you dick pics’ and the second one that seemed nicer, when asked what his interests were, said “photography, baseball, porn :P” with the sticky outy tongue and all) so I’m hoping that after a slight break the pool will have widened a bit and yeah. I’d been casually seeing someone from OKC for a bit, but as I’ve lamented in other open threads before, he ghosted on me after four months and 😐
Ughhhh yikes that sucks, on both fronts. I have received a LOT of creepers on Tinder (requests for nudes, comments on my “delicious titties” and dick pics via moments, that charming photo feature that nobody asked for) but right now I’m also having enough fun to persevere! But I have definitely disabled Tinder and OKC multiple times, either from boredom or reaching my threshold with creepers. I hope that ghost guy chokes on his own tongue.
I just joined OKC after not having any real success on Tinder, and while I’m still not sure how I feel about it (some mix of overwhelming options & lots of random dudes who clearly didn’t look at my profile messaging me), I DID go on a really fantastic date last Sunday and I’m seeing him again this weekend and I’m currently in that terrible really excited/really nervous state, so we’ll see how that one goes.
Ahhhhhh good luck to you! You DO have to slog through some weirdos on OKC. A lot, a lot of weirdos. But if you found one great guy, even if it doesn’t work out, there’s bound to be another one! Fingers crossed for you that this weekend goes well!
Here is a question about Tinder: I usually swipe left to anyone who has not bothered to fill out their profile, or who has something really generic there like a quote about getting the most out of life or “work hard, play HARDER” or whatever. This is because I would prefer to match with someone who can spend 2 minutes to actually write something about themself, regardless of how hot they look in their pictures. Am I in the wrong place? Hardly anyone writes anything.
Also, pet peeve: people who have their child (and only their child) as their main photo. Why is your child in your online dating profile? I am not trying to date your child. (I mean I think the answer to why is: has not bothered to click 3 times to figure out how to change default picture, but STILL.)
I do the same, there are a lot of generic boringness ones and I can’t be bothered with them. I have also not had any successful matches last longer than 3 messages, so, take that with a grain of salt.
I have noticed a bunch of guys with kids in pictures, and some of them write “not my kid” in the description, but some of them don’t, and it’s confusing. That’s like, a pretty major factor that I would like to know ahead of time, if you have a kid or not! My other favorite is a group photo as the main one. WHO ARE YOU??
I actually have had a few satisfactory encounters (with people who had filled out their profiles). They are few and far between but I guess I should just accept that I have to wade through a lot to get to the people who put even the smallest bit of effort in.
I have seen people who have group profiles for all of their pictures. Are you hoping to match with a detective who can figure out which one is you?
The people who put kids in who don’t belong to them: I see what you’re doing there and it will not work on me! I do not find kids endearing, I am not particularly impressed by men who can interact with them, and I am not using tinder to look for someone to have kids with.
Yeah, Tinder is kind of a cesspool and sometimes a good egg washes up. You meet some juiceboxes but I tend to believe most people are just looking to grab a drink with someone and see where it goes! In which case, you’re probably not in the wrong place, but you may have to do some looking.
I have a friend who will default reject anyone with a kid or a girl in their picture (me: “But what if that’s their nephew/sister?” Her: “BUT WHAT IS THAT’S HIS SON/GIRLFRIEND.” She kind of has a point). Yes, I think this is an obvious attempt on the dude’s part to show that they’re good with kids/probably not weirdo sociopaths, and it probably works for some girls! But I’m on your team.
I will definitely concede that some people are looking for someone who is good with kids, either because they have them or want them, which is totally valid, just not for me. But I do not think that is the main motivator for a lot of those dudes.
Other ladies in profile pics: I will not automatically reject someone if it looks like it could be a sister/friend, but sometimes it comes across as “look, other ladies are into me!” Some of them definitely look romantic. One guy had blanked out the face of a girl who he had his arm around and photoshopped in the words “this could be you,” which, ahaha, NOPE.
If I’m being honest, I think I had like one sentence on my Tinder profile. The guy I dated/still talk to all the time now that we’re in different countries had maybe two words in his. I would say no to people based on things they wrote, but I would still say yes to people who didn’t write anything.
Hm, that helps in that it lets me know that it is considered acceptable to not write much on tinder. I think I need to at least supplement with another online dating site.
I keep meaning to sign up for Tinder, but I don’t have any recent photos of myself that I like. Partly because I don’t have many recent photos of myself at all. So I’m basically just working on my selfie skills, when I remember to.
Oh, and any Toasties in Canada/Ontario — please let me know if you have recommendations for buying renters’ insurance! I’m getting way in over my head and want to choose a good provider.
I’ve had good experiences with the Co-operators – there should be a local broker in your area.
Thank you! There is actually one right up the street from my work, *_*
I used an insurance broker and was really happy with the experience (I’m in Ottawa, I used Scrivens). They figure out how has the best deal for what you want/need, so you don’t have to do the bit by bit comparisons. Also, my experience with having a claim was that it was nice to be able to go to the broker, when the insurance company acted bonkers (the broker intervened — it was a slight thing, but helpful).
HEY SPORTSSSSSS ARE A THING THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK
The Wizards beat the Spurs after losing the last 17 to them. And beat the Bulls twice. Finals or bust, baby.
The Knicks and Bucks went all the way to London to be terrible at basketball.
The CFB playoff was a success, and hoo boy yes did I like watching Florida St. get wrecked. The hilarious Winston tumble at the end was delicious, delicious cake.
Ravens fans: I was up in your town to watch the game. So bummed for you guys. I was at Ropewalk, and a dude broke a bottle in anger right behind my head when the game ended. I still felt for the guy. Cannot wait for this weekends games.
Guys, I have to cut this short cause internet is being bad, but it’s been a while, so talk to me about your teams and why you love/hate all of them!
So:
Patriots are going to be in the Superbowl. Right? Right. I’m very sad about this. AFC needs to step up its game. People in my (Boston area) office are being even more obnoxious than usual and I don’t know how much more I can take.
NFC Championship: why did it come to this!?? My heart will always belong to the Packers, but I would kind of like to see the flawless Seahawks defense smear Brady into the turf, so I’m conflicted. Also, my boyfriend is from Seattle so we have to break up for 24 hours. Also why is Aaron Rodgers being limpy?? Whyyyyy to everything about this game. My mind is a mess. I am almost too emotional to watch.
I don’t give any shits about football but I live in Massachusetts and Patriots fans are so goddamn annoying that I wish only bad things for them (the team, mostly).
At this point I think Patriots have succeeded the Cowboys on my most-hated teams list
I was born and raised a Packers fan, but I really think there is no chance they will win this weekend. And even if the Seahawks beat them, I will still root for them over the Patriots.
Yeah, I think Packers could win if Rodgers were in peak condition and if our defense were still playing the way it did like… midseason. Mostly I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.
I would root for literally anyone over the Patriots but I do genuinely like the Seahawks. Just not when they’re playing the Packers.
Yes yes yes on wanting the Packers, but worrying about their chances against the Pats in the Super Bowl. Ugh.
ETA: I will not count Andrew Luck out, because I love him so much (but oh boy, good luck with that one, Andrew, eep).
Yeah if the Colts go through I will be pleasantly surprised (and vindictively pleased). Luck seems like an aight QB and I wish him the best this weekend.
Premier League, anybody? I’m still rooting (with increasing trepidation) for the lil Foxes to claw their way out from the bottom of the table. Also, that whole thing with Frank Lampard is FUCKED UP.
Arsenal finally seems to be getting their shit together (of course, now Arteta has joined Debuchy on the injured list, so I don’t even know what is happening anymore, do these guys keep slipping in the showers or something?), so I’m feeling vaguely positive about City on Sunday. Also, the Lampard transfer/not a transfer thing is bullshit.
I love the Seahawks and am especially enamored of Richard Sherman, so yes, Seahawks all the way. Sorry everyone else!
I disagree with some of this but Richard Sherman is my imaginary NFL boyfriend so yes.
I will be inconsolable if the Packers do not beat the Seahawks. My brother is a Hawks fan as of only 10 or so years ago, so he doesn’t really know what it’s like for his team to lose, and is therefore completely obnoxious about it, especially when they (continually, it seems) beat the Packers.
I typed out a long rant about the CFP and Ohio State, but it seemed unnecessary, so I’ll just say I’m happy for my OSU fan friends who are happy, but I still find the whole system to be unfair and ridiculous. Also, the Winston tumble clip with Yakety Sax overlaid on it should be playing at all times on all screens everywhere forever.
You know what’s interesting? I’d link something if I could, but my internet connection is insanely bad and I can’t really bring up another window: look at the QBRs for the last 10 QBs the Seahawks have played. They are, aside from one Elisha Manning (at 8th best) uniformly terrible. They haven’t had a challenge, QB-wise, in a while. A healthy Aaron has more than a chance in this game. You also now have the same rookie center who got smoked by them Week 1, now with an entire season of experience with Rogers, and who has also earned the position, no longer based on injury, but based on skill. Keep the faith, dude.
So, I keep thinking about that Dating Your Dad article from yesterday, and how it gave me the urge to stab my eyes out. Anyway, not much to add, but I get why Oedipus blinded himself a whoooooole lot better now.
I saw it posted in like three different places and clicked on it every time, because apparently I am a giant masochist. Whyyyyyyyyy. Why. Whhhhhhy. Noooooooooooooooo.
Tell me about the TV shows you watch/marathon with your significant other? Boyfriend and I need a new one. We’ve done a lot of white dude-centric stuff lately and it bums me out. I can’t watch anymore Breaking Bad/Newsroom/Walking Dead.
We’ve been doing Elementary, Scandal, and Spartacus recently. Spartacus is amaaaaaazing, ridiculously compelling, and full of equal opportunity nudity, but it’s also got lots of beefy white dudes, even if they are often naked (though it also has lots of good non-white and female characters, including Lucy Lawless). Major content warning for violence, though, some of it sexual.
Scandal and Elementary both have protagonists who are badass and women of color. They tend to be more procedural “case of the week” shows, though both do good long term arcs as well. Lucy Liu is the best Watson ever.
I’m assuming you’ve already done Battlestar Galactica?
We just discovered Archer. It was a very pleasant discovery.
Here are the most recent shows my dude and I have marathoned. I have NO IDEA what your sense of humor is, so I’m sorry if you start watching any of these and are like “man this is terrible GreenGrasses is the worst.”
– Broad City
– It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
– Brooklyn 99
– Key & Peele
I love It’s Always Sunny but, yeah, a certain sense of humour is required!
I marathoned Avatar: the Last Airbender with an ex, and we really enjoyed it if you’re into that sort of thing (beautiful animation, tight, intelligent worldbuilding, corny tween jokes).
We are actually re-watching all of The X-Files so we can follow along with the X-Files Files podcast (although we are way ahead now).
I would recommend Person of Interest and the Good Wife if you haven’t seen those. Hannibal, also great. We watch a ton of TV but I’m having trouble thinking of everything right now. Also all the shows listed in above responses.
Wait what. X-files podcast…. tell me more tell me more, like does he have a car?
I just finished re-watching the series last month, it was so great to go through the whole thing again instead of just cherry-picking episodes! Some of them I hadn’t seen since they originally aired!
It is “The X-Files Files” put on by the comedian / actor Kumail Nanjiani. He has guests each episode and totally geeks out over the X-Files, including reading old usenet posts from when each episode aired. He also sometimes has interviews with writers and actors who were on the show. It’s great!
We’ve just started Elementary and really like it! Our oldie-but-goodie right now is Star Trek: TNG. Only because he has never seen Star Trek (what? how? still boggles) and I just really want to re-watch DS9. It was slow going until we got to Season 3 and the cheese factor dropped off a bit though.
The West Wing is also always good. Still dude-y but I live for C.J.
Mt two favorites, from marathons with my partner are “The West Wing” and “the OC”. Seriously. They were both great, hooked each of us in different ways.
The OC is seriously great, I agree 100%.
Uh, we are currently watching Friends, but I’m a little embarrassed about that.
Seconding Brooklyn 99!! The funniest, and season 2 has been just as good if not better. (They have started using Andre Braugher to great effect)
Gravity Falls
Mind of a Chef
Sleepy Hollow (although we stopped after season 1…)
I’m a big fan of marathonning Chopped, but that isn’t out of the ordinary. My ex and I also marathonned Blue Planet once, and I adored that.
Thanks everyone! These are great suggestions, some of them are shows that I’ve thought about watching and then inevitably forget and get sucked into more dude show.
ORPHAN BLAAAAAACK
It’s all streaming on Amazon Prime, if you have that!
Seconding the Avatar: Last Airbender rec, and also coming here to say BUFFY. I just got Elementary out from the library though & am looking forward to starting that, plus have been meaning to do Scandal so clearly I am bad at TV.
Our recent ones have been Orphan Black, Friday Night Lights, Elementary, and Luthor, all of which have some fantastic non-white dude characters central to the show.
Treme.
A bit of a downer, but whenever they show music being played it basically turns into the most celebratory show ever. Also the cast is ridiculously talented and not even close to being all white dudes.
We’ve been watching MidSomer Murders on Netflix. So many seasons…. And it’s awesome. (Each episode is 90 minutes, so there is time to really develop the mystery and characters. It is so well done, but is very white-dude, although in an English countryside way — a bit different than the Newsroom!)
If you’re fine with subtitles (or speak French!), you should check out The Returned/Les Revenants. It is totally batshit weird in the best possible way. It was on Netflix this summer, but I’m not sure if it’s still available or not.
Also Bletchley Circle, which is a British show about a group of women who were super top secret codebreakers during WWII who start solving murder cases together because the police are garbage men who can’t get shit done. It is as delightful as it sounds.
Ooh seconding Les Revenants. So good.
I need to get on Bletchley Circle, heard many good things.
I haven’t seen a FALLEN LONDON thread so far, so here it is!
What is everyone up to?
I am working for the Dept. of Menace Eradication to get enough lamplighters’ beeswax to convert to phosphorescent scarabs and then to memories of light to get the components for my zubmarine. It is slow going. I also somehow caught a somnolent hyena but I’m not sure what to do with it or how this whole “breeding beasts” things works.
There’s something afoot at the University. I’m getting to the bottom of the murder of the Senior Reader of _______.
ENJOY that was one of my favorite storylines.
Building up dangerous while getting silk to pay for upcoming nuptials. Lady Smee, you weren’t kidding, this wedding stuff is expensive! But it is coming along.
I’ve also got nuptials on the brain! Just how expensive/time-consuming is it? Only the best for my sweetheart, of course…
So there are several tiers of wedding you can go for. The lowest tier is not that bad expense -wise, but mid to high range take a lot of high end resources. Basically you accrue wedding-planning points based on certain actions. Using up very rare materials gets you more points at once. The higher your pool of points the nicer wedding you can have.
The benefits of higher level weddings look to have to do with Notability (not sure what this stat does). Low end weddings will lose you Notability, mid-level will stay the same, mid-high will gain 1 point, high end will gain two points.
I finally got my notability up to 3 and got a 5-card suite at the Royal Bethlehem! I feel very fancy up here in my eyrie. I also started ‘The Gift’, which I am taking nice and slowly, and savouring. Going back to the forbidden quarter has reminded me that I never actually *entered* the Cave of Nadir (even though I got my ray-drenched cinder weeks ago) so I may enter & see if I can work out the Irrigo thing. Also I believe I’m on the brink of Flute Street, which looks fun. Other long-term ambitions include 1. salon/orphanage 2. ship 3. spouse.
Ooh, let me know what you decide about Turning Around at a certain point in The Gift?
I will! I don’t think I’m near that point yet, as I really am savouring it (30 Nex is a lot!)
I TURNED AROUND. I couldn’t help it. I went super crazy.
I finally became a Person of Some Importance! And now I seem to be drowning in bureaucracy as I pursue endless personal recommendations, legal documents, and strong-backed whatsit so I can do all the next things. Like buy a ship! What are people’s thoughts on the Zee-Clipper vs the Zubmarine?
His Amused Lordship also sponsored me to the Dilmun Club FINALLY; I eagerly await more radical academicity.
Breeding beasts happens in the fourth coil; you build up a number of stats there to improve your beast and then… allegedly… breed it. With the help of the Bishop. It’s all totally legit and above-the-table yes definitely.
I’ve been tending to my Noman! All of my quirks but my Magnanimous, which started at like 25, have been completely drained dry. My Noman is going to be subtle, melancholy, and magnanimous, which I suppose says something about how Avis is. Or was, before I handed over all my quirks. My Noman Knows got knocked down to 28 last time Time the Healer came, but I bumped it back up to 62 with all my Lacre stuff, so I’m hoping I get two more weeks with my Noman.
I don’t even know what a Noman IS, except what little I managed to piece together from wiki articles.
I am so close to getting all my stats to 100 (Shadowy at 98!), but I just went insane. Boo.
I am acquiring my own newspaper, which will be full of salacious gossip, misogyny, and artistic sketches catering to the female gaze!
Ugh, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Being completely gluten-free doesn’t have to end your baking by any stretch–like someone else said, there are lots of good flours out there. I’m partial to Bob’s Red Mill 1 to 1 all purpose baking flour myself–the stuff that you need to add a little bit of xanthum gum to depending on what you make gives it a lot of flexibility. (eta:there’s also a 1-1 with the xanthum gum added already that I haven’t tried.) I’m also dying to try a flourless chocolate torte when I have a cake pan and an efficient way to beat eggs. Unfortunately I don’t know much about beer, but really (REALLY) dry gluten free ciders often taste pretty close to beer as well if you’re willing to branch out. (The stuff you can buy in stores just isn’t anywhere near as good as a brewery’s on tap options in my experience, but Angry Orchard traditional dry is probably the least sweet. It unfortunately isn’t very beer-y.) Good luck with everything!
Hello lovelies! I’m so happy it’s Friday!
I need some work advice that I was hoping y’all could help with. I’m pregnant and I recently started a new job. Due to a lot of factors (depression, denial, not showing much, etc) I didn’t tell them before or immediately after I was hired, which is what I should have done. I’ve been at the company for about a month now and it’s going really well so far – they love me, I’m catching on quickly and fixing a lot of mistakes that my predecessor made, and it’s a great environment. But I’m coming up on 28 weeks pregnant now, and I still haven’t said anything. I feel like it’s super obvious, but it actually might not be?
So obviously this is a conversation I needed to have, like, yesterday, but how? My bosses are both really nice but I’m worried they’ll just get rid of me since I haven’t finished my 90 day probation period. It’s a small company and they really need everyone to be here every day. And obviously I can’t wait until then to tell them. I just feel terrible and guilty and awkward all the time. Should I lie and say I just found out? Or be honest and admit that I’ve been actively not telling for a whole month now? Gahhhhh!
For reference, this is what I look like right now. I feel like it’s kind of ambiguous, but maybe not? Do I look “obviously pregnant” or “I didn’t know I was pregnant”?
http://i.imgur.com/haQrMM9.jpg
Just tell them now, and don’t get into any of the other stuff like when you found out. Now is the time that you are telling them, and that is all they need to know. Unless your bosses are crazy people, they should be outwardly happy for you and supportive. (They may fret privately, but that is Not Your Problem.) People have babies, jobs deal with it.
They can’t get rid of you for being pregnant (assuming you’re in the US, http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/pregnancy.cfm). Figure out what kid of leave of absence you’re going to want. Read your employee handbook and see what kind of leave policies they offer. You might be eligible for 3 months unpaid leave under FMLA (a federal statute). Then go talk to them. Maybe tell them you didn’t bring it up until now because it was high risk or something. Being pregnant is your right, not a problem you should apologize for!
also, congrats!
Thanks! I’m in Canada, but I think it’s pretty similar legally? I have a preschooler already and when he was born I was eligible to take a full year under the federal EI maternity leave plan, which I actually didn’t take – I went back part time when my kiddo was only a month old out of sheer boredom and lack of adult conversation. So maybe I’ll offer them the same thing – a month or two off, then part time for a while? I just feel so guilty because my direct supervisor has been talking about how excited she is that I’m competent enough to cover for her to go on vacation, which was not the case for the last two people in my position.
Ah! Congrats!
The only tricky part might be the probationary period you are in. As a lawyer, I want to say “check with an employment lawyer”, but that’s going to cost some $.
Toasties,
Does anyone know how I could get an invitation to Learned League? I’d really really like to get one, but I don’t know anyone IRL that is in LL!
If I knew, I’d invite both of us.
Man, I want to invite all of us.
(Can anyone invite all of us?)
Good: I’m going to see Itzhak Perlman with a childhood friend who just moved to town, skipping out for a looooong lunch break.
Bad: In the midst of yelling at me my boyfriend told me that “People” say that he can do better than me.
Ugly: I did *not* tell him to go ahead and try. I got some excellent toastie twitter support though, so thank you guys for that.
Good: OMG I am jealous. Please clap extra for me.
Bad: That is terrible. My ex said something similar during a yelling-for-hours session.
Ugly: I am glad you found support. <3 although I think saying it could have been warranted.
It was awesome! I clapped very very hard.
I got “People say I’m out of your league” once in the middle of an argument. Believe it or not, it was meant to be a comment on the stupidity of the people. He still suffered for his sins.
Toasties! My boyfriend is currently 12 days smoke-free! (And so am I, but it was WAY less hard for me.)
I’m so proud of him. It’s great.
If you’ve quit, tell me the best ways you’ve been supported.
My partner is on Day 16!
I’m on Year Four.
I did it with Chantix and Oreos. For my partner, it’s Cold Turkey and Licorice.
HURRAY for you and your partner!
For me, it’s Cold Turkey and the occasional lollipop, which I bought for him but am eating myself.
For him, it’s the Patch, and it appears, gallons of beer.
The patch, by the way, is working really well for him. It’s really helping the cravings (duh). But because he was SUCH an habitual smoker, and loved it, it’s really great for him to be able to re-shape his habits without also going through withdrawal. Plus it’s prophylactic, because he can’t smoke on the patch without getting sick.
And in BC (Canada), the government gives out the path for free! I’m not sure who he had to call, but he got three months, graduated, for free. So BC smokers, look into that if you’re thinking about quitting.
Also, his sleeping was a disaster for the first while, but he finally slept well last night, and I’m hoping it will keep up, poor guy.
I wish him continued Good Sleep, and more lollipops for you!
My morning started out terrible but has gradually moved back to okay- both my lightbulbs burned out this morning, leading me to try changing them for the first time since we moved, which resulted in the light fixture hanging from the wires while I woke my poor, sick, just-got-to-sleep mother so she could help me fix it. After it was fixed, I didn’t have time for a shower. Then, when I headed off to my mock job interview (to help me prep for real ones), the elevator in our building wasn’t working so I had to scram down five flights of stairs. I caught the first bus and realized once I got to where I transfer to the next bus that one glove had fallen out of my coat pocket. Looking for it on the bus made me miss my transfer so I had to walk from there.
The mock interview went REALLY well. Apparently I blew the ladies doing it away, which felt nice to hear. Then I walked back to the transit station and retraced my steps (after going in the wrong direction on the bus first but whatever). I found my glove in the stairwell of the building and returned home victorious and well-exercised.
So, in ChouffeLife this week:
1. MrChouffe is applying for jobs and I am SO happy about it, he has been miserable for a long time where he is, but it pays… well enough, I suppose, and we needed that income a great deal because hooray, debt! BUT:
2. Two MAJOR payments are going away this month, which opens up a ton of jobs for him because he can now afford to take a pay cut
3. The treadmill is armed and operational! It’s even getting used!
4. However, I’m on light duty this week due to the unexpected appearance of a femoral hernia (wtaf)
So Toasties, how have you dealt with significant other career changes and subsequent income adjustments??
Often with a liberal application of your namesake (although I tend to lean more towards Westmalle when it comes to Belgians).
I may not have the healthiest lifestyle.
Westmalle Tripel is one of my all-time faves. Have I told you that your screen name is fantastic?
Yes- you’ve mentioned it before. It’s actually my drag name (although I’m not a legit drag performer). It’s probably a good thing that Westmalle Tripel is so hard to get here in Ontario, because I would probably drink it all the time and then die.
Tell me when you figure it out!
My partner, call him Mr. Robot, quit his job in December without a new one. He’s working til the end of March, and looking, and it’s going to be an interesting time until he finds one! He’s losing sleep over it, and at a certain point I will too, because while I make enough to support both of us I do not make enough to support both of us in the lifestyle to which we are accustomed, meet my savings goals, and aggressively pay down my debt. So it’s nerve-wracking.
I have spent most of this week on an interview panel for a position being staffed in my division. We’ve interviewed 9 candidates so far and have 7 left. It’s surprising how exhausting it is when all I have to do is sit there and take notes on what the candidates say and then discuss how we should mark them. It’s also really frustrating when candidates miss what should have been a really easy question because they obviously didn’t do even basic preparation, or they flub a question because they didn’t bother reading the instructions all the way through.
It makes my lack of success in lining up another job even more frustrating because I start to think – these are the people I’m competing against? This is how low the bar is, and I’m still not getting offers? What do I have to do??
I am so sorry you are going through this because I FEEL YOU. I feel you so bad. I don’t know what the answer is–i wish I did.
I have my fingers crossed for you to find something soon 🙁
Toasties! Does anyone else do social media for their job and have days where you feel like you need to treat every interaction with people on the Tweetbook like you’ve been kidnapped by a serial killer and need to make them see you as a human being so they won’t kill you? Or yell at you on the Internet? I even had to use the ‘I’m just an intern I’m really sorry’ excuse because someone was upset about a soda they bought.
Hi, I don’t even comment on this site a lot, but I relate to this because I am also responsible for the social medias. ‘Social media’ always sounds like a super chill job at cocktail parties, but it’s more stressful than anyone will give you credit for, as you know. Particularly since management tends to choose the youngest, most junior member of the team to do what is really one of the MOST visible jobs in the company.
/endrant
I’m a huge lurker… but 2015 resolution is participate more online on things I actually enjoy… instead of my usual “Really sorry you received a medium Sprite, by the way I am also a person.” It’s not the main part of my job but we’re a very small team and I handle the advertising so I also get to mod the comments. Two years on and I am desperate for an intern to pass it on to and that makes me feel terrible 🙁
Ooh, we are fellow-travelers. I also juggle social media work with the more central aspects of my job.
Seconding your idea of doing fun online things in your time off so you can break the association of social media = misery = people are going to yell at me. Also, some people in our field report going blackout on social media when they’re not at work. YMMV. Asking for more guidance from your manager on how to handle those tough comments is okay too.
Good luck! Wishing you all the likes and follows (the good ones, anyway).
I don’t handle it at my workplace, but it’s a huge part of our (media) company and I am familiar with a sliver of what you both deal with through the people who do your jobs. HOLY CHRIST. It seems frequently very difficult and draining and I hope at least you’re both in environments that recognize it’s a really challenging job.
Toasties, I have started doing clinic escorting! It is great (and infuriating/stressful/nauseating), but it is SO COLD OUTSIDE and I am from Florida. Do you have any advice on how to be less miserable while outside early in the morning on Saturday? I have long underwear and wool socks, I wear a lot of layers, but still. Misery. Primary difficulties are that the cold gets into my boots from the sidewalk and makes my feet SO COLD, and that I think I have the wrong kind of hat (wool, handmade, thick, but the wind cuts right through it). Can you help keep me Toast-y?
Try some of the chemical warmers that you tuck into your shoes! And definitely get a different hat that will protect you from the wind, or else combine your current one with some earmuffs. Also, I don’t know if this is part of your layers, but a huge scarf makes a huge difference!
Seconding the chemical warmers, those are great for when you have to be outside for a long time. Layer them with multiple pairs of wool socks for super-toastiness.
Wow, that is amazing. On the practical front: ski socks. Especially the nice long ones that go up to almost your knees? I wear them with my leather boots which are sturdy but have minimal wind protection and they are amazing. Also a puffy gilet/vest? They are a little ridiculous (what about your arms?) but it makes a strange and lovely difference to overall heat retention. If all else fails, spanx under tights under leggings.
Yay for you! Do you ever see those hand/boot warmer packets in Florida? We use them up here for skiing. They’re little bags of weird chemicals that you shake and they heat up. http://hotpawscanada.com/en/categories/106/produc…
Edited to add: Can you look for a more technical hat? That would help keep the wind out. This is a bit pricey, but I think it is very cute, in a Preppy Handbook sort of way http://www.rei.com/product/871656/outdoor-researc…
I don’t know about the hat problem, but SNOW BOOTS are the answer to your foot woes. I have something like this:
http://www.zappos.com/kamik-fortress-charcoal?zlf…
But you can get them for less $$ on discount sites–I think I got mine on Sierra Trading Post?. My feet are never cold, and I live in a very cold and snowy area.
Good for you! I was escorting in 18 degree weather here in NYC last weekend, so I feel your pain! Here’s what I did last week:
-Base layer on Under Armour cold gear, leggings & compression top.
-Knee-high Smartwool socks
-Jeans
-Fleecy mock-turtleneck zip top with thumb-holes (like this but better fabric)
-Knee-high leather boots
-Knee-length down coat
-Fleece gloves
-Scarf
-Hat with fleece lining over ears (like this)
Here’s the trick: you need warm socks. Not multiple pairs, just really good warm socks. I love my smartwools. Besides that, layer so that you won’t have leaks from the wind – hence my thumb hole things, which mean no wind up my sleeves!
Also, if you don’t have a chance to get good socks for a bit- plastic bag around your socks. It’s amazign in wet weather, to keep you feet dry, but it also helps with the airpocket thing like PRockette and MilesofMountain said below, and keeps the heat in your socks a bit better. (And if you’re stuck in the wet for a while, they do a gross but wonderful wet suit thing where they let your rain-soaked socks heat up to body temp and then keep that heat next to your toes. I have had this happen wearing meshy sneakers in winter, and it’s the best way to macguyver non-boots into a reasonable warm shoe)
Re: head warmth:
I suggest a hood over a hat. The hat insulates, and the hood deflects wind. Next level: make sure the hood has (faux!) fur trim, which is really great at disrupting air flow near your face. Top level: grow out your hair and give up on ponytails in the winter. Hair is like people fur!
What about thermal socks? Like ones made for minus 20 weather? I got some from Ardene, in Canada, but you can totally order them online.
Good for you! I have a wool hat with a fleece lining that’s really warm. Either look for one of those or see if you can find some fleece in the same color to pop on the inside!
It seems counter-intuitive, but you want to get winter boots that are bigger than what you wear normally. It creates an air pocket that your body heat warms up. If your shoes are too tight (even with your thick woolly socks), your feet will get cold.
I was going to post this! Yep, you want thick socks, but it’s also important that you’re not cramming too much sock into your boot. Wool socks are warm because they hold warm air in tiny little pockets around the fibres, but if you compress them you squish out the little pockets and lose the warmth.
They make insoles out of the same sort of stuff as emergency blankets, which might make help your boots if it’s just cold from below. I haven’t actually tried them, though, because I live somewhere where the correct answer is definitely winter boots.
And yes, you need a hat or hood that will cut the wind.
can you carry a beverage? a hot drink always helps me immensely, especially if i’m not moving around much. i’m partial to hot chocolate ’cause i don’t have to worry about getting over caffeinated.
Lately I’ve been wearing a fleece headband underneath my not-all-that-warm hat, and it has helped a lot.
I interviewed for an apartment yesterday that is somehow 2-3x bigger than my current one, has seemingly great roommates, and is not significantly more expensive than where I currently live. It’s a San Francisco miracle! I have to wait until next week to hear from them though, and I’m worried I’m getting my hope sup too much. Looking for housing is an absolute nightmare and I really wish I could stop jumping through all these craigslist hoops.
Craigslist is the devil. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
ALSO YOU GUYS. I’m doing a burlesque course! EEEEEEEEE.
I have to come up with a burlesque name. I have a front-runner. I will post it in a reply, if everyone promises not to steal it.
At a recent burlesque performance I attended, my favorite name of the night was Simone de Boudoir. I’d love to hear yours!
tell us! no stealing will occur—i only wish i was actually doing burlesque so i’d even have a reason to!
It’s…. Lady Libertitty!
omg that is SO GREAT
that’s BEAUTIFUL do that please
AMAZING
dear toasties, would anyone like to offer some thoughts on dealing with the impact that ultra-microaggressor-manipulative-enabler-codependent parents have on the relationships that one (cough cough) has with one’s partner?
you know, for a friend.
my SO and I have had a brutal time of it lately, and I have been dealing with my own complicity in managing/maintaining the status quo for many years, and being in pretty intense denial as to the level of dysfunction in my family. I’m pretty much 100% sure they view SO as a threat to their control over my life – disclaimer: hello we’ve been together for years and are in our 30s – but we recently moved across the country from where they live and damn if the last year hasn’t been hellish in its own gaslighty “no, you’re just being sensitive, that never happened, you should apologize for even thinking these things” way.
wise words, please! also: book recs? advice on finding a good therapist?
The reddit thread r/raisedbynarcissists is pretty interesting.
And good luck and hugs, that’s super hard.
Seconding the r/raisedbynarcissists suggestion.
For therapists, maybe check to see who’s listed on feminist sites? Bitch used to carry advertisements for West Coast feminist therapists, for example
thanks, robotneedslove. I appreciate it.
I have dug around on the subreddit for a while, and feel like it’s particularly tricky as so many of the people writing about their family experiences have such intensely aggressive conflicts, so out in the open and apparent… whereas my parents are incredibly subtle – or perhaps I have just been incredible naive. On one hand: yes! on the other hand: yikes, at least they’re not nearly that bad! on the magical third hand: no, not like that. ugh in all directions.
I really understand all those mixed feelings, it is very hard.
There are a lot of books out there about being a child of narcissists which combine stories with practical advice, unfortunately I do not know which ones are good. But that might be a place to start especially if you have a library or something so you can sample.
Whatever it is you read, I suggest you take it SLOWLY because oh boy the feelings.
I very much empathize with what you are experiencing and the struggle with trying to figure out “ok, how bad *really* is this situation?” especially when comparing it to other peoples’. I have a mom who resembles your parents in some ways and I have often found /r/raisedbynarcissists really sanity-enducing, though at other times I feel like a fraud when I post on there because my family isn’t as bad as some other posters’. I’d say, after having about a year of therapy so far dealing with this and other stuff, the fact that your family experiences feel not right to you (or worse, as it sounds) is sufficient evidence that something needs to change. And subtle mind-fucks can be the worst of all, because of the way they make you doubt yourself. One thing that was enlightening to me was to realize that perhaps my family members engaged in *subtle* shittiness not because they were being super-clever or nefariously crafty, but rather that in their own lives (in my family’s case, likely when they were kids), they learned that subtle attacks were effective more so than overt hostility, and now it’s just a habit for them. Thinking of it that way for me was helpful, because it actually felt accurate given my family members’ experiences, but also doesn’t let them off the hook for the consequences of what they do and say now.
As far as therapists, I found mine by asking a friend — who I knew was in therapy and who I knew was also dealing with shitty family members — to ask her therapist for a recommendation of someone who works with similar issues. If you are in the SF Bay Area, I am happy to pass on my recommendations to you 🙂
unfortunately, we’re in the NYC and not SF area –
but YES ABOUT THE SUBTLE WORST: “no, your dad didn’t avoid shaking hands with SO by super obviously turning away! no, I haven’t been avoiding eye contact with [spouse] for months! you know, I only want the best for you, but [enter criticism veiled as strange compliments under the guise of straight-girl-talk]. you know, your dad just loves you so much that he’s really sensitive about everything you’re doing in your life and worries and is horribly insecure and his constant undermining is just the manifestation of how much we love you.”
and yes about the childhood influence. yes about habit. yes, yes. I just feel like I was so complicit, so overly accommodating of their passive-aggressive behaviors that I have a seemingly-permanent bruise.
it is really good to hear that you’re making progress. my amazing MIL is the one who told me that she thought this had reached a point where therapy was a good idea, and I was sort of shocked to realize that it hadn’t occurred to me that one could actually go to therapy to deal with this (what??) and not wait until I was a pile of crippling anxiety (see: previous therapy sessions, all nominally successful).
these are painful and frustrating times, but I keep reminding myself that a lot of growth and healing is possible; that all of us are capable, with enough love and support and help, to become strong people with healthy relationships with others and our own self.
I think there are supposed to be new episodes of The Fall today? Is that right? And is anyone else as excited as I am?
More Gillian Anderson on TV is always a good thing.
I illegally streamed it and it’s good! Not quite as harrowing as S1, and the series (ie season) finale is maybe a little heavy handed in explicitly restating the show’s thesis, but it’s good
Is this where I can request a Riot Grrrl Tuesday? I really enjoy KITH Mondays and Fry and Laurie Fridays, but on a Tuesday I feel I need a bit more of a kick in the ass (I discovered this last week when I realized that the only thing that was going to get me through Tuesday morning was all of “Revolution Girl Style Now!”). I would love to see a weekly feature that addresses a specific song/moment/artist from the scene (and maybe looks at women in punk from other eras as well).
Besides, Riot Grrrl was the best punk from the ’90s, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.
Have you heard Huggy Bear yet? They were great!
I 100% support this idea. Have you read Girls to the Front? If i ever have a child, girl or boy, I will be buying them that book when they turn 12 or so. Related: a friend recently posted a photo of her 12 year old daughter wearing a bikini kill t-shirt. She’s a great parent.
I read Everything I Never Told You all in one sitting last night, and I have an emotional hangover now.
Does anybody else want to discuss the book? Some aspects of it were eerily relatable to me (Rust Belt upbringing, that Betty Crocker cookbook which is the EXACT SAME edition my mother has) and it really really hit me.
Hi Toasties. So, hi, I am new to the threads, but would anyone have thoughts on how to deal with a Clingy Sad Friend? I helped an acquaintance through a crisis, and now we’re both enmeshed in an online friendship which consists of her sending me daily emails about how sad she is, how much she’s cried or self-harmed, and the content of these is starting to become more than I am equipped to handle. Advice? For reasons I won’t go into here, I am deeply sympathetic to the mentally ill but … I feel like there need to be more loving-but-firm boundaries in place that feel healthy for both of us. Is this even possible? If you’ve been through this, how did you handle it?
I’ve offered to be a resource if the friend needed help finding a therapist, but let them know that I couldn’t be their therapist. You can tell them you want to be supportive, but you need to take care of your own emotional health, too.
She needs a therapist, as I think you sense.
Tell her kindly what you just told us: that you’re getting overwhelmed and you feel that you aren’t the best person to provide her with what she appears to need. You could tell her also that you’re happy to talk with her about positive things.
Be prepared for her not to listen, because unfortunately that’s how it often goes. If that’s the case, put a filter on the emails so they go into a different folder – you don’t have to delete them or block her just yet.
If you have contact over the phone/IRL, same rule applies: she starts with the sad, you cut the conversation short, saying that you have something on the stove or an appointment you have to go to.
Good luck.
Thanks for your replies! The funny thing is, she has a therapist. So maybe there are some emails to which I reply, “Sorry, I can’t comment on that, I would ask your therapist for help?”
I may not necessarily tell her I’m overwhelmed because I’ve been in that brainspace and personally I’d have interpreted “I’m overwhelmed,” when coming from a friend, as meaning, “You’re overwhelming.” I will, however, mention I have my own emotional needs and cut the difficult conversations short and see how that approach goes.
Thanks for the response.
That sounds like a good technique! Your phrase here sounds a little bureaucratic, though (“Sorry, I can’t comment on that”). Maybe you can say something a little more down-to-earth, like just simply “yikes, that sounds hard, seems like something to talk about with your therapist.”
I could swear there was a Captain Awkward question just like this but I can’t find it. Still, there’s a bunch of great advice in her archives regarding friendship, mental health, and friendship and mental health.
OH MY GOD I LOVE CAPTAIN AWKWARD. And you’re right, now that I think about it, they may have addressed a question like this (except my situation is not that far gone, thankfully- this only started a few weeks ago.)
Was it this one? I lent an ear to a friend, how do I get it back?
It can be really reassuring to have a person to tell, after a crisis, that you’re not “better now” because that’s such a common expectation, and it can be draining to get that prompt from all one’s friends, with a little dose of impatience that it’s taking you too long. That said, it sounds like she is opening you up to far more danger management/support than is fair to you or safe for either of you (and her degree of ‘not better’ is pretty high). Maybe you can offer to be the former person for her, even if that’s a little wearying, while quietly closing some of the paths she’s currently leading you along. You sound patient and kind, and I hope you can take care of yourself.
It’s tooooootally reasonable to go halfway across the country just to see Dessa do the weather for Welcome to Night Vale, right? Right?
Absolutely. Love Dessa and love Night Vale, when I saw they weren’t touring on the West Coast I was sad.
That show is coming to Charleston, where I live, and I’m very excited–nothing ever comes here. I say go for it.
At last year’s Librarian tour, the musical guests did an opening set as well as the weather, and Dessa did the same at the Old Oak Doors taping at Town Hall, so the odds are good that you’d be there for more than just one song. Weigh that in your decision, if you wanna.
Dessaaaa <3_<3
Yes. Yes, it is. I understand that it wouldn’t have been feasible for her to do the Minneapolis show since she’ll be out of the country right before then, but I was still disappointed to see that she wasn’t going to.
I LOVE IT TOO, going to the movies alone is objectively awesome. This woman was just projecting her fear of being alone onto you, gloriana.
Updates for my life:
1. My mom is doing well. She has something like ALS but is not ALS and getting an exact diagnosis is going to take some time. Right now it is just affecting her throat and neck muscles and seems to have stopped there. The good news is that she is up and walking around and slowly getting over the pneumonia that put her in the hospital. She should be going home in a week or two. It is hard to be so far away from her but I talk to my dad every night and we have bought plane tickets to see them in April.
2. Our foster dog Roxy was doing really well with her recovery from her spay until Sunday afternoon when she carefully pulled out half her stitches. It was only the stitches closing her skin flap so she is alright but now she must wear the cone of shame all the time. Poor dear.
Has your vet discovered the clown collar? Its purpose is the same as the cone of shame. Works better for my dogs. Soft. Silly looking, but in a different way from the cone.
The vet only had the cone. My husband wants to paint petals on the inside of the cone to make her look like a flower. We should not need it much longer as she is starting to heal.
I’m just going to feelings vomit here for a bit about how useless and incredibly frustrated I feel at my job and how it’s starting to wreck everything because all I see when I look at nice people with good jobs is consuming jealousy and I’m a horrible useless person to be stuck in such a soul destroying job and be unable to find a new one and I loathe sales and I have another two hours here and I’m considering faking food poisoning to go the hell home.
Will commiseration help? Because I know of what you speak. I am reaching my limit for learned helplessness here at this office and am going to start hanging up on people soon.
My jealousy usually comes in the form of “I really wish I had trained to be a(n) _____, I mightn’t be quite so frustrated now about my job-seeking potential”. Not being able to do anything other than office work, really, is very limiting.
man, I’m a bit better now, but there was a chunk of time when I was regretting my interests and training all the way back to HS.
I mean I love the humanities, but I do somewhat wish I had, you know, skills.
I feel that too. I LOVED getting my degrees, and history is really and truly my passion in life, but I look at my history and kick myself for not doing anything more proactive with my life, like taking internships or ANYTHING to make myself more marketable. I truly did not know, but I still can’t stop kicking myself.
Just commiserating–I feel the same way. I have a very hard time not feeling bitter.
It’s so hard. I don’t want to be a bitter, angry person, but on days like today it’s hard to stop myself from feeling that.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that and hope you find something soon that rewards the clever and talented person you so clearly are.
Thank you, you are so sweet!
just to let you know that I really enjoy your comments here and you are definitely not a horrible useless person
It can be very hard to step back, though, from when a job makes you feel that way. Many internet hugs and also some internet whiskey.
Thank you, many internet hugs. You are very kind.
The husband and I are going to Copenhagen and maybe some place else (Oslo is my vote) in April and I am so, so excited. We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in yeeeeaaaarrrssssss.
So! Anyone have any advice? Good places to go or things to see?
When I went to Copenhagen, someone recommended the Lousiana Museum to me, and the grounds were quite beautiful. It is a short train ride away. It was very busy the day I went, but that was in the summer so hopefully you would have lighter crowds. Dress warm!!
Seconding the Lousiana Museum recommendation. There is also a glass blowing factory up on a fjord north(ish?) of Oslo, which you should check out. It may be a group tour thing, but they have a huge lovely shop and give presentations explaining their techniques, etc. Plus – it’s right on the water, and the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. Stunning, postcard breathtaking. OOOH OOOH ALSO there is the Viking Museum in Oslo, too!! Such fun! Big boats in a space that absolutely passes for a church! HISTORY!
In conclusion: I heart Oslo and Copenhagen, 10/10, would tourist again.
Thirding the Louisiana, and also if you have time, do the train loop through Sweden, up through Helsingborg. It brings you right past the Louisiana, and also Kronberg Castle.
And I also recommend Tivoli, as corny as it is. I’m so excited for you! Enjoy your trip!
Tivoli’s really fun, definitely worth a visit. I studied abroad in Copenhagen and I didn’t really do that much touristy stuff, but you can tour the Carlsberg brewery. Also drinking in public is legal there and one of our favorite things to do was get beers at the 7-11 and sit in a square drinking them and people watching. And people come by to collect your bottles for recycling, so it’s a very efficient system.
I really liked touring Carlsberg as well! I was amazed at how you can just walk right into the stables and pet the horses with no supervision. And public drinking is great everywhere it is legal.
Another recommendation for OP: check out Christiania, sort of an independent hippie colony within Copenhagen. I don’t know how authentic it really is anymore, but it’s fun to walk through!
As for other cities to visit, Stockholm is ridiculously gorgeous. I only had a few hours there and didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted, but I would definitely go back. (All of Scandinavia is CRAZY expensive, though – be prepared.)
when I went to Oslo the thing I was most excited about was the Ibsen museum, because I’m a drama loser. The viking museum is well worth it also. And the salty liquorice! 😀
The best Edward G. Robinson movie ever is “The Whole Town’s Talking,” where he plays two roles: a mouse who eventually roars AND a criminal overlord for whom the mouse is mistaken. The first time he’s on screen as the overlord? Really frightening. Love him. Also featuring the lovely, bell-voiced Jean Arthur.
I’m seeing “A Girl Walks Home at Night” AND “Inherent Vice” this weekend. It is a two-movie weekend, repeat, a TWO-MOVIE weekend. I’m having a hard time fitting all the good ones in right now. Saw “Selma” last weekend: if you’re going, take some Kleenex.
I’m sorry you’re wrong, the best Edward G. Robinson movie ever is “Bullets or Ballots,” but it has nothing to do with Edward G. Robinson and everything to do with Joan Blondell, Louise Beavers, and Timothy.
…I’m sensing a gangster movie marathon coming on this weekend.
Fair enough. 🙂
I stand by my Edward G. recommendation, but in honor of Joan Blondell, here she is performing “My Forgotten Man” with splendid contralto Etta Moten in “Gold Diggers of 1933.” Mind-blowing staging courtesy Busby Berkeley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmHz80Ma4HI
“A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night” was a lot of fun. like, surprisingly funny, really. enjoy your two movie weekend 🙂
I am kind of busy at work but I just wanted to say that I saw Mother Falcon for the first time, live, on Wednesday after learning of their existence two days before and they are just amazing! If you like orchestra indie rock or post rock (my husband insists they are actually post rock) you should check them out.
WHOO FOR GOOD LIVE SHOWS.
I will look in to both of those places! Money is also a little bit of an issue at the moment (scarcity mentality!) but I appreciate the leads – I’ll file them away for later. Thank you!
CHICAGO TOASTIES! Help us set a date for the next meetup at Rogers Park Social! I’m thinking mid-February, but what day of the week? https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chicago-Toasties/1…
Any day that is NOT Wednesday.
So far, we’re floating Feb 15, which is a Sunday!
FALLEN LONDON
Oh my lordypants, I have had an unexpected visitor who wants to help me become a lady of some importance. So much excite!
Also, I have been breaking into everybody’s offices and stealing everything that the rats haven’t gotten to first.
Let me (dangerflakes) know if you’re down for loitering/thumping/etc! Turning in those second chances bumps my skills up pretty fast, so if you feel like I’m spamming you with social requests, that’s why.
Theoretta Rizing is up for all those things!
I am at Shadowy 98! SO CLOSE to finishing this part of the person of some importance storyline!
You can hit me up for any of those.
I think I’m far enough down in the comments that Mallory won’t tell me I’m gross, but: you guys, I stopped washing my hair almost 2 weeks ago and it is all I ever dreamed of. (I still use water and a lemon rinse sometimes). Granted, I do not look like a Pantene commercial, but neither does my hair look disgusting. And let’s be honest, I never looked like a Pantene commercial. Basically, it looks like I washed it yesterday, all the time.
I just… I mean, I did the baking soda thing on and off, or natural conditioner only, but I never imagined that there would be basically no difference in my appearance if I just stopped using any kind of detergent whatsoever. I want to tell everyone I see. I feel like I cracked some secret code.
And no, my hair doesn’t smell bad. It smells like roses, because I spray it with rosewater.
you’re gross!!!!!!!!!!! but i still love you
I have very frizzy, curly, dry hair that I straighten. I wash it every two weeks. I’ve gone three weeks before when I’ve had a hair appointment scheduled and didn’t want to bother washing my hair myself when I was going to have someone else do it a week later. No one can tell. Not even hairdressers. My two week hair looks like other people’s two day hair. It never gets oily.
Of course, I don’t go to the gym and get sweat on my scalp because I am lazy as fuck. Otherwise it would get mighty itchy.
washing hair regularly is not for curly girls. If I wasn’t such a gym rat I would never wash it and I would look even more like a goddess than usual.
Do you guys like crime dramas? My boyfriend and I are both into crime dramas and we both enjoyed Top of the Lake, The Fall, and Luther, all of which stream on Netflix.
This may be obvious but have you watched Broadchurch? It just started its second season and I am FREAKING OUT.
Yes! I have to finish Luther. Thanks for reminding me!
Have you watched Broadchurch? The first series is on Netflix and the second series is airing now. It’s incredible!
Is the second season worth watching so far? I was nervous about it because I didn’t think there would be the hook like the mystery of the first season, so I hope it’s as excellent as the first was!
YES! I obviously don’t want to give anything away and I’ve only seen the first two episodes, but so far, the second season is the people of Broadchurch trying to deal with what happened and “move” on.
Can I ask a maybe dumb question? I really want to get my first tattoo and I am completely ignorant of the process and don’t know how to get the ball rolling. Like, say you have an idea of what you want, and you want to get someone really good to do the work, obviously. Can you just make an appointment and go in and get it done? Is there like a consultation first, and then you come back later for the actual tattoo? HOW.
Do some research. Ask your friends who they know who does good work. Think about the style you want and find an artist who specializes in that style. Look at portfolios online. Once you have a shop in mind, call up and ask to make a consultation appointment. You’ll talk to the artist and they’ll sketch you out a concept. And then once you’re both happy, you make your appointment. And if you’re not happy, you don’t have to get the tattoo. Some places may take a deposit during the consultation process.
Thank you!
Also, trust your artist- they will likely have a good idea of how your design will translate best in ink-on-skin. It’s a medium just like painting or sculpting.
Seconding checking out an artist’s portfolio. Any credible artist will have one. If you don’t like a particular artist’s style, keep looking until you find one you like. Also, many artists will have online portfolios as well. Look for ones in your area.
Research tattoo shops in your area and find one with a really good artist. Most post pics in the internet, so that part shouldn’t be too hard. Then call and ask their process–some artists have you just walk in, but others are very busy and take bookings months in advance (that’s a good sign). That also lets you save up money. If an artist books in advance, you often email them an idea of what you want, or visit them for a consult, and they’ll draw up ideas for you.
You can, but I wouldn’t advise it.
You want to a) look at a portfolio of HEALED work- this is important as the way tattoos looked when healed is a way better indicator of quality, b) ask about their safety procedures (there are some good online checklists for this), and c) ask about how they prefer to work. Do they want you to provide the design and have them tattoo it as-is? Do they prefer to work with you to sketch up a design? I usually only work with artists willing to let me provide a design 100% as it is, but some places specialise in at least interpreting the design themselves.
Also, check out waiting times for the studio. Some will do all the above on a walk-in then do the tattoo (or at least the first session depending on size). Others will have a six month waiting list.
Bought 4 tickets to Sleater-Kinney thinking, obviously, “everyone will want to go!” But now all my friends are like, “oh I’m not that into them.” WHAT. In conclusion, my friends suck eggs.
Yes. Yes they do.
Tickets are for the Chicago show, actually, will you be there?
No, and now I am sad about it! My work colleague will be there, and I am jealous!
What indeed!! Where are you located? I’ll join you 🙂
Semi-snarky reply: Find new friends stat!
But no, that really sucks! BOO!
I’m going when they come here, but I’m lucky to have a bf who loves concerts. None of my other friends would go either (I suspect)… but probably more to money issues than not liking them.
Maybe you could sell the other tickets and go alone? (I say this knowing that selling is usually a terrible experience with people who do not come through and truly wish your friends change their mind.)
That quote is an insane thing to say. Sleater-Kinney is objectively good music and they are objectively bad-ass.
I bought two extra with the outside chance that my parents would come out to my country for it (my dad’s as big of a Sleater-Kinney fan as you’ll find, and my parents do a lot of music-related travel, so it wasn’t too strange to think of) but I don’t think they will and I’m not sure what I’ll do with the extras. I don’t think Dutch people know who they are.
I bet you can find an expat or an exchange student or something. Cast your net wider and include Belgium. There’ve got to be fans there somewhere.
(1996-Belgian-exchange-student!laurenipsum is totally envious and would have come with you for sure)
Job hunting is the worst! Ah I went and saw a recruiter (a friend of a friend) who was all “yeah, your CV isn’t great, why don’t you try short term contracts first.” And yet, my partner got a job really fucking fast – 3rd one he applied for, he applied Tuesday, interviewed Wednesday and started Thursday.
So on the one hand, it’s great that he has a job, not just for him, but for our finances, but on the other hand it’s just making me feel even more useless than normal. Anyone have experience with the whole Yay for you/Why is everything so easy feelings?
I had (am having) a similar thing where I was the only half of the couple with an income and then not only does other half get a job, but now he makes more than me and will likely always make more than me (because of career path) and it is super strange and unsettling. I basically deal with it by making jokes about how I feel emasculated now that I am not the breadwinner (funny, ‘cuz I’m not a dude, so deep!) and making him buy the groceries with treats in it for me. (I am easily bribed with food) …which is to say, that I don’t really deal with it in any productive manner, but you aren’t alone and it definitely sucks. And also that it doesn’t mean that you are useless, because some workplace is out there that will think you are awesome and coworkers will introduce you to other people by saying “This is CaptainNancy, s/he basically is the best person ever and we are so glad we hired them!”
Thanks for the commiserations. Yeah, he will be making more than me because of career path as well. Which is fine, it’s more the lack-of-job that’s making me feel crap right now. Plus this mythical job would be my first fulltime job, so there’s that to be nervous about as well. Maybe one day someone will say what you mentioned, but it feels a LONG time off right now.
Ah Toasties, I clutch you all lovingly to my bosom (if you’re down with that, of course)! I’ve been so hermity lately, and reading all of the Edith Wharton. Whooo boy, would I love to read the Age of Innocence from Countess Olenska’s perspective!
In other news, PERSONAL STATEMENTS FOR GRAD SCHOOL ADMISSION: who knows how to write a good one? I have some questions. How long should it be? How awesome do I have to say I am? What is it all about? Give me some tips if you can- I’m looking to make a big leap across to pond to do my grad school in the UK (!!!!!).
Which is your favourite Wharton? I have only read three so far — The Touchstone, The Age of Innocence, and The House of Mirth.
I’ve read Ethan Frome, The House of Mirth, The Age of Innocence, and I’m about halfway through The Custom of the Country. HoM is definitely my favorite- I just LOVE Lily Bart, I think she is fantastic and I love the melodramatic ending. What about you?
Which field?
Development/ International Relations/Human Rights
Good luck! I did my MSc in Scotland. I’m not sure they even read my personal statement. I think they may have just gone, “She meets the grade requirement for undergrad and she’s foreign so we get more money from her. Sign her up!”
May I ask what school you went to, and how your experience was?
University of Glasgow. Socially and environment wise, it was great. I really liked Glasgow and would totally consider moving back if I thought I could ever find a job that would get me a visa. I made a ton of friends in my program which was really good for me because I’m not a person who makes friends easily. Academically, it was…fine. There are probably a dozen other schools that would have been the same but I didn’t have any real problems. And now I’ve got my masters and I only had to be in school for a year. The reason I chose that program instead of one of the dozen others was because being fluent in a foreign language wasn’t a prerequisite like it was for all of the American programs I looked at, and becoming fluent in a foreign language before grad school was going to add a whole bunch of years to my studying time. Plus it was a good chance to do something that could get me a visa to live in a foreign country for a year.
I am totally down with bosom clutching. thank you.
also thank you for reminding me I want to read Wharton. I’m working on Barbara Pym atm but my queue has a Wharton-shaped gap.
Hmm. Well, here is a post I saw on Tumblr recently that I thought had some decent advice — specifically down at the bottom, the most recent commenter, with the point about this being your chance to show that you’ll be a friendly, interesting colleague; I think, as with cover letters in job-searching, that a lot of people err on the side of formality and come off sounding stiff and weird, and it’s in your interest to come off as more conversational and relaxed. And here’s someone else’s advice.
My personal statement wasn’t exactly the same, since I was applying to professional programs rather than academic ones, but it was along the lines of what these folks are suggesting: more conversational than formal (I would say my target tone was “email to grandmother” — not completely casual and chatty, but treating it as if I’m writing to someone who already knows and likes me), focused around a narrative of why I want to do this that also addresses why my background looks different from a typical applicant (“Here is how my totally unrelated undergrad major led me to the realization that X was what I really wanted to do,” type of thing), and folding in elements from the program’s self-description and mission statement to explain why this program specifically. I don’t know if any of this is helpful; I hope it is! But either way, I have confidence in your ability to write an awesome personal statement and I’m sure you will do great!
Hey, a lot of people have been posting about job stuff today, so I thought I’d chime in with a couple of opportunities I noticed:
http://library.brown.edu/joshi/
Brown University is offering a 6-week, H.P. Lovecraft research fellowship! If this is relevant to your field of research, I don’t think there is a better resource for Lovecraft related stuff than the Hay.
http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2015/01/looking…
If you live in NYC and are looking for a paid, regular photography gig, this might be of interest.
I can’t personally vouch for either of these positions (although I can vouch that the Hay is a beautiful and magical place, and right down the street from the Providence Athenaeum) but maybe they will be of use to one of you.
Has anyone ever traveled on the Transiberian Railroad? My husband and I are going in May for our honeymoon. I am 70% excited for a grand adventure, 30% worried our murdered bodies will be unceremoniously dumped in the snow somewhere in Mongolia. Knowledgeable advice and reassurances would be appreciated!!
I haven’t traveled it, but I did see this article a while back, which has some useful information on food: http://www.seriouseats.com/2013/04/what-to-eat-on…
It also appears that these people were neither murdered nor dumped, so I guess that is a reassurance!
I hadn’t come across that — thanks!!
I would recommend Ian Frazier’s “Travels in Siberia” to anyone. Though it’s mostly not about the railroad, it might get you psyched up!
That looks great — thanks! Just added it to the list!
Bring bug spray? My only real knowledge of traveling to/through Siberia (I mean, aside from being exiled there as a political prisoner) is that it’s unbearably cold in the winter and there are crazy insects there in the summer.
Yes! My husband (then-boyfriend) and I did it in February 2007, with a pause in Irkustk to hang out on Lake Baikal for a few days before connecting down to Mongolia. It was fantastic!
We blogged about it, and if you have any questions or want to chat you can email me too at faye . c . willard (no spaces) at gmail.com. http://akgeographers.blogspot.com/2007/02/travele… http://akgeographers.blogspot.com/2007/02/riding-…
Also, I can confirm that the berths were amply sized for honey-mooning activities.
Also, also, I am just remembering how extremely hot it could get in the cars. Bring light clothing!
Ha, you have answered two of the very questions I would have asked you! Thank you so much — I will take a look at the blog this weekend and I definitely will take you up on your offer, as we have many known unknowns as well as, I imagine, unknown unknowns 🙂
OMG the envy. That is all.
US figure skating nationals are starting this weekend (for the littles, at least – the seniors aren’t competing until Thursday) and I’m…I don’t know if excited is the word? Watching a competition is always good times, but I’m so nervous for a few competitors! And if Gracie Fucking Gold wins senior ladies, I s2g I’ll punch a hole in my wall and I can’t really afford to make any major home repairs right now!
On a subject of more general interest, I’ve had an influx of followers from Toastie Twitter this week and it has enriched my Twitter experience immensely.
I’m a little late to the thread, but does anyone have some favorite lentil recipes they would like to share? or sources for said lentil recipes?
My little household is trying to eat more healthfully and I am getting bored of my standards + Mark Bittman’s suggestions in How to Eat Everything Vegetarian. Anything you’ve got that you like — veg or non-veg, doesn’t really matter — I’d love to try something new!
thanks.
(I’m still on the thread bc work is boring right now)
I’m a vegetarian so lentils are occasionally my lifeblood. Here’s my two favorite preparations: http://www.sproutedkitchen.com/home/2012/5/15/bra…
Braised leeks + lentils, really an amazingly subtle preparation. Also it looks all kinds of fancy.
And, this is my own “recipe,” it’s pretty simple but it works every time and is super comforting. Sweat some onions and carrots in a pan with olive oil, then add a 50/50 mix of miso broth and vegetable bullion (I use half a bullion cube and about a tablespoon of miso paste to 1 cup water) and your red lentils, bring to a boil, turn down to a simmer, and cook until lentils are soft.
Hope this helps!
Another lentil-lifeblooded-vegetarian here!
This one is super fancy. Reportedly the salmon is also good, but I have nothing to do with that. /shudders http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Salm…
I also am a fan of taking pre-packaged cooked lentils, heating them up with spices of your choice (rosemary & red pepper flakes are my jam) + olive oil, sauteeing some spinach in hella garlic, & topping the whole thing with goat cheese. Mmmm.
I will second this recipe and mention that Trader Joe’s sells vacuum packed pre-cooked green lentils that work well in this recipe. AND the salmon is also very good.
A favorite lentil thing is: boil up some lentils, then sautee them with garlic & onions, season with cinnamon & cumin, maybe some broth – basically get a nice lil stew going. Dice up a red pepper and/or some carrots and crumble up a log of goat cheese (one of the long ones, 8oz? Or, one of the little 4oz ones and some cream cheese, because the goat cheese is the spendiest ingredient). Put all those things in some phyllo dough (either layered in a baking dish or in little cups in a muffin tin) and bake it til the phyllo is all crispy & golden.
Very imprecise recipe because I kind of threw it together once while trying to think of a good phyllo dough filling, but the portions are totally flexible so I’ve made it a few more times successfully without paying too much attention to the amounts.
I love phyllo for basically elevating a cheapo thing like lentil stew to Fancy Thing.
Lentils only? I made some very yummy veggie burgers recently, but these ones weren’t lentil based, although I assume you could make lentil based veggie burgers!
Mine had black beans, quinoa, beets, onions, zucchini, and chipotle peppers, plus a bunch of spices and stuff. Oh egg, bread crumbs, and ground almonds for binder. They were great! We ate them topped with cheese on buns with mayo, so the health benefits were a bit offset. But still. Def. put salsa and avocado on them.
Ooh, check out 101cookbooks.com. It took me ages to notice all the recipes are vegetarian (I’m not but not opposed to it) because they are all so yummy and her photos are gorgeous.
I am not crazy about lentils, or Indian food, but WOW this recipe is good:
http://www.vegetariantimes.com/recipe/orange-dal/
Channa dal is my favorite, but probably any of the recipes on this recipe are good: http://www.northindiancooking.com/chana-dal.html
If you are looking for non-vegetarian, my husband just made this and it was delicious: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2013/01/lentil-sou…
(Oh, and apropos of nothing, this is the best carrots and peas recipe ever: http://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/gajar-matar-reci… More dal options on this website too.)
thanks, everyone! You are kind and these all sounds great (and a bit different from what I was doing, which was generally making daal with some carrots added in).
I did not know 101 Cookbooks and am glad to discover it — it seems delicious and convenient.
P.S. To Emily — I have just started using smoked cinnamon in stews and it is amazing. If you don’t use it already, sounds like something you might like too?
Oh man, that does sound good. There’s a fancy spices store I pass by to/from the library and I’m torn on whether it’d be a great or terrible-slippery-slope-to-never-buying-regular-grocery-store-spices-again thing to go in. Smoked cinnamon sounds like one more point in the “great” column.
I make mujadarrah and eat with fish or greens or both, it’s super-easy. All proportions are to taste and it is So Delicious.
As many onions as fit in your pan, caramelized in olive oil for as long as you have the patience (low and slow for like an hour if you can, or just sauté them up at speed)
A little less than a cup of rice, cooked til done
A little more than a cup of red (or whatever) lentils, cooked til done
– (you can do rice/lentils in one pot, if you know your timings; add the rice when lentils are part-done)
Combine all, salt generously, and stir. Most people would top with yogurt I think; season with cumin or what you please.
I cannot cannot cannot get out of my own head, and would love advice on a relationship issue with a boyfriend-type person.
I am crazy about this person, and he makes me very happy. Lately, something has been off– he doesn’t reach out to me to text me first, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t suggest we hang out. I played this role throughout the fall and was pretty passive in our relationship, and at first wasn’t even realizing that I was seeking him out almost exclusively. When we’re together, he’s wonderful and sweet and we have a good time, but something is off. I’ve asked him why he seems more reserved, and he apologizes and says he hadn’t noticed it. Okay, fine, I may be overly sensitive.
This has been going on for three weeks– the not reaching out, the not texting, etc. (We got into a big fight right before Christmas because he wanted me to spend it with his family, which I felt was not where we were in our relationship.) Should I text him and say something along the lines of “it hurts my feelings that you’ve stopped calling and texting me” ? My pride keeps telling me to GTFO, don’t send that. If he wanted to text he would, right? I thought his feelings were hurt but when we revisited the subject he said we weren’t at the “boyfriend girlfriend stage”, although we are exclusively seeing each other, by choice. I can’t decide if it’s mature or immature to ask why he isn’t paying attention to me anymore. also is it pathetic. also how do you say it.
tell me what to do, o wise muses.
Maybe start by asking in general if there’s anything new going on in his life right now. Is he really busy at work or school? Any personal or family stuff going on? And if he says everything is normal then you could lead into talking about how you feel like he’s been distant or distracted lately.
thank you, thank you so much. He’s generally very open so this is Freaking Me Out.
I think it’s totally valid to ask, but I wouldn’t do it over text – maybe instead next time you are together in person. But it definitely isn’t immature to a. feel hurt about it and b. bring it up!
thank you so much. I think that’s a good idea. I’m worried about coming off as whiny via text.
Wait have you not spoken to him for three weeks?
In any case, I definitely wouldn’t text him about the issue you’re dealing with. It sounds like you need to talk face to face.
I would have a come to Jesus talk about your relationship and how you two feel about each other, and how you want your relationship to work, now and in the future. It sounds to me like you two aren’t on the same page about a lot of things. The only way to start fixing that is by talking.
It is VERY mature to talk to someone you are intimate with about the way they are making you feel, and about they way they feel about you. It’s totally ok to have that conversation. It’s important! And if he has things to say you don’t want to hear, well, that’s ok too. Better hear them now so you can figure out how you want to proceed.
Look, it’s a jerky move to stop reaching out to someone you are in a relationship with, even if that relationship is somewhat undefined. His behaviour isn’t working for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re allowed to feel that way. There could be all sorts of reasons for that, but you won’t understand until you talk to him about it.
It also may be worthwhile to just talk about your relationship in general, without focusing on text frequency. If he says to you “oh, I REALLY like you, and I want us to be together”, you can say “ok, cool, can you please text me more often”. If he says, ” this feels like a lot for me right now” or “I started seeing someone else and I want to see where it’s going” or something different, you can figure out how you want to deal with that.
I also would spend a bit of time figuring out what you want from the situation, so you can be clear if your visions have a big mis-match.
No, I’ve seen him a couple of times a week, which is what makes it that much weirder. He’s more or less normal and sweet when we are together, but I feel like there’s something in the way that makes him laugh less, be more reserved, almost as if he is holding me at arm’s length.
I agree re: face to face. I have copy and pasted whole sentences from your comment into a word document that I will use to have this conversation. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.
Good luck!
Talking about feelings and asking for different behaviour can be so hard, but once you start, it only gets easier. I’ve been really lucky with my partner, because he makes it really easy, but family of origin did NOT. So I’m super proud of the skills I’ve developed.
I’ll never forget when my friend (maybe with fewer emotional issues than me?) was talking about how she told a guy she was casually seeing that “she was having hurt feelings” and I was like “omg, you can just tell people that? I’m allowed to have HURT FEELINGS? Jeepers.”
The truth with kindness; there is nothing immature about saying ‘I am feeling really anxious because you used to do X, Y Z and now you have stopped.’ My advice is to make sure you are focusing on the behaviour that you miss (like the texting/calling/initiating) rather than your *interpretation* of the behaviour which can lead to an argument about What It All Means.
“we weren’t at the “boyfriend girlfriend stage”, although we are exclusively seeing each other, by choice”
I find that baffling. You’re exclusive but he isn’t your boyfriend?
I also think he’s being disingenous. If he hadn’t noticed, you then told him, so why isn’t he fixing the situation? Either he is giving you the slow push, or he needs to call more. If you’ve been exclusively dating for months, then you should be able to express preferences about communication. If he can’t meet them then maybe you should dump him. There is usually not some mysterious reason in the form of a Debt to Science or a terminally ill relative making someone not call.
Wait, he says you aren’t at boyfriend-girlfriend stage but he got mad when you didn’t want to spend freaking Christmas with his family? Aside from everything else going on, that is extremely inconsistent and weird. You guys need to get on the same page, with a big difficult conversation.
Also, it sounds like you are second-guessing your feelings because it’s “just” texting. But the thing about texting is that it is here to stay, and it has become a way that people stay in touch quickly throughout the day/week/month. It’s ok to want people in your life to reach out to you, to have some kind of baseline amount of contact. Different people like different amounts of that, but it’s entirely legitimate to negotiate that in any kind of relationship.
I’m pretty sure the same damn squirrel that dropped thirty feet out of our maple tree and ran straight into the dogs last week did so again a few hours ago. I heard a *THUNK* behind me and saw this squirrel uncurl itself and then travel this mad circuitous route right into the waiting paws of my thoroughly-thrilled dogs. This yard is enormous. There are all sorts of ways to get out of the yard without running DIRECTLY into the dogs, one of whom hadn’t even noticed it until the dumb thing sauntered over. The squirrel lives yet, although this time I had to prise some grey fur out of Leela’s mouth, and it was gross.
Those were some happy happy dogs, though. Vicious little kill-beasts.
Question, fellow toasters:
I have a middling position in my NPO field and just keep on keepin on at some level of middling, without much advancement. I’m now at 6 years worth of muddling middling along. I really just don’t know how to actually advance, it’s like head+brickwall over and over again, and everyone in this field (people with more degrees than me! international experience! 15+ years more experience) seem to hustle through the same merry-go-round of not much advancement. So…I am reluctantly starting to think about switching gears.
my lovely SO (runciblefork?) has been pestering me for a few months to start training in his field (tech) because he thinks with my smarts and some experience I could do awesomely and make double my current pay with more autonomy and fun(er) colleagues. he’s picked up on the growing frustration with head+brickwall.
On paper switching industries sounds great, and even logical, but in practice it feels like giving up and walking away and being a quitter and all kinds of awfulness. I am conflicted, and although the coding stuff is pretty straightforward it doesn’t catch and keep my interest in the same way as the more creative aspects of my current field.
At the same time, the bit of my job that I love is such a small percentage of the day that I am thinking about switching places if not careers regardless. Except again I feel guilty and quitter-ish.
Any advice?
Maybe look at other fields? There might well exist something that would catch your interest without the brick wall.
Alternately, I’m a programmer, and I find that whether programming keeps my interest depends a fair bit on what result I’m working towards. If you want to give coding more of a try, maybe try a small project that would have a result you’d like or find useful, rather than the sort of assignments for learning to code that you get in tutorials and courses.
But then again, if you went into tech as a career, there’s a good chance you would be working on not-that-exciting stuff.
Thanks, that’s not a bad idea. So far I’ve just been doing some introductory tutorials on Python, since it seemed like a good starting point. The assignments are definitely a bit bland and pointless, at least this early in.
And then, there is that too. (the maybe not super exciting jobs part). But, like, I’d also like a house some day and that seems a little more feasible with a higher salary. So there’s that bit of it as well.
Thanks for writing from an in-industry perspective, I appreciate it!
If you’re comfortable sharing more specifics about your current field and position, I’d be really interested– I’m also in the nonprofit field and may have some thoughts about different types of nonprofits and the potential for advancement in them.
My feeling overall though, is if you’re going to switch fields it should be to something you’re really excited about. It doesn’t sound like coding and tech is that for you. It could take awhile, but if you can figure out what about the creative aspects of you do now really turns you on, and where you might find similar outlets, I’m sure you can find something more fulfilling.
And also, IMHO, it is not at all quitter-ish, but in fact much braver to leave a comfortable but unfulfilling job to do something new than to stay in something you don’t love. It’s more quitter-ish to stay, because you’d be quitting the pursuit of a career you love!
I don’t think it’s universal, but I was in non-profits for my first few jobs and always had that associated guilt with leaving- I think most have a culture where you are personally committed to the cause and are expected to invest yourself in it. I felt terrible each time I left, even knowing I had to. Then I started working at a university, and the first time I switched positions I was so shocked at how supportive my boss was of the move- there was an expectation that of course employees would pursue opportunities when they came up.
Anyway, I think my point is that it is easy to feel guilt and obligation when leaving non-profits, but that you’ve gotta be true to you. A smart organization will be supportive even if they hate to see you go, because they want to keep you as a resource/community member.
Meant as a reply to CaptainNancy above: I was very surprised when I started hearing that sort of comment from my coworkers (only my second real fulltime job, after I got laid off/fired from my awful first fulltime job), especially since I always see myself as a head-down, doing the work but not really noticeable kind of person, but it has happened. The job-hunt really sucks, so I can only suggest bolstering yourself with other good things (and I am going to file this away for myself, because I need to start the jobhunt/school application slog(s) soon and I HATE applying to jobs). Most of the time, finding a new job is a real slog, and the quick turn-around for your partner is not necessarily a reflection on how great he is (though he may be!) but a fortuitous turn of events.
May you find the perfect job posting and may they hire you speedily.
In the meantime, may I provide a cat gif?
Thank you mightily
Oh, I just noticed that I have a piece running today! Nobody told me! Well, I was coming here to weep about the apartment I went and saw (total waste of a day; they made me make an appointment then had someone there who knew nothing about the complex and wouldn’t let me even come inside to fill out the application while it was raining out. The place is a garbage farm, I’d be living in an overpriced box and looking out at a carport, and I actually cried while filling out the app because if I get it my life is over and if I don’t it’s ruined. Then we came home and my aunt got the call that she’s got a place. She signs her lease today, so her yay is my major stressor). Oh well, instead I choose to focus on the positive, that time when I ate bad food and made myself needlessly ill!
I turn 30 tomorrow! I feel that I am about to ascend to a higher plane of advanced misandry and cheese/wine pairing skills.
May the Toast be with you.
…and also with you. Happy Birthday and welcome to your thirties (tomorrow), may any pressure of being a sprightly twenty-something immediately wash away.
– your humble minion
thank you kind ma’am
wait no, kind sir
KIND PERSON THANK YOU
I just thought you were using it in a pan-gender way. Like “dude” is the informal and “ma’am” is the formal. Anyway I hope your b-day went well and the wine/cheese pairing facilitated a radical misandrist enlightenment.
Happy birthday! My 30th was a month ago.
Belated HB to you too!
omg I have a teen girl and her mom bonding over Texts from Jane Eyre in my library RIGHT NOW and it’s maybe making me a little misty eyed because it’s SUCH a radical thing for the community I work in and idk I love my patrons and I love seeing them reading Mallory.
If you are looking at men on Tinder, there’s a good chance they aren’t writing much (or anything) because they don’t consider it important when they look. My Tinder guy, who was fairly picky and has only ever met two people from Tinder including me, told me that he would swipe left or right based on the first picture alone, without looking at anything else. Whereas I would swipe left on people based on one picture but only ever swiped right after I looked at any and all pictures and whatever the guy wrote.
It does make a good supplement. I used it along with Okcupid (except for the times when I deleted it for being just too weird).
I get anxious about touching dicks before they’re hard, and this seems like just the place to talk about it. If I’m fooling around with a dude and he’s not hard yet, I feel like I should wait until he is before I touch it, but then I also understand that touch – whether by hand or mouth – would sometimes HELP the dick get hard. I just feel like…self-conscious about GOING FOR IT without a prompt (the prompt being…an erection). Has anyone else felt this way? Words of advice from those who have never felt this way?
I’m not sure I know many dudes who object to their dick being touched, at any time, under any circumstances. If you are having sexytimes, I think it is pretty much open season (though of course, you can always ask first).
Perhaps, as you’re fooling around, slowly run your fingers down his chest toward his crotch? Pay attention to his reaction: if he seems uncomfortable, back off, but if he likes it, continue the stroke aaaall the way down until you are successfully touching his not-hard dick. This way you ARE just going for it, but in a manner that he can stop or redirect if he doesn’t want that level of contact yet. (Disclaimer: If you think he’s on the shy side and wouldn’t stop you even if he felt uncomfortable, don’t do this.)
Another approach is to just tell him, all sultry-like, what you would like to do to him and ask what he thinks about that. Let him prompt you with his words.
I totally need somewhere to whine about this, I am an avid smoker who doesn’t want to give up (I KNOW it’s terrible for me but it’s like my one vice and it’s a lifesaver! I get to have a terrible vice) BUT I am going to have to start giving up in the next month! I’m trans and starting HRT soon (fingers crossed) and they don’t like giving it to smokers (which, admittedly, is because there are way more immediate health issues involved like sudden blood clots, which… yeah). Giving up smoking if you WANT to must be bad enough. How am I supposed to do it when I have no real commitment to it??
I mean I’m super excited to be starting HRT and stuff… but… this is a trial I hadn’t really considered til it was staring me in the face. Blargh. I might be able to use e-cigarettes, at any rate. Anyone have any experience with going from smokes to e-cigs? Are they a decent substitute?
I have no experience, I just want to wish you good luck. Use all the replacements, and start NOW (don’t start HRT and quitting at the same time, bodies can only handle so much change at once). If you find it’s a straight nicotine craving, you will have a month to deal with that – and if you find it’s more of a habit, or an oral fixation, or whatever, you can diagnose and treat as needed. Be strong! <3
Oh yeah, I’m starting as soon as I have finished all my cigarettes (so I don’t have any around to tempt me and because I refuse to waste money, period). I’m going to the e-cig store on Monday when they’re open. I do know it’s mostly the act of smoking I enjoy, so I’m really hoping e-cigs replace the habit.
Anyway, thank you! <3
If you’re not on SSRIs or benzos, consult with your doc to see if you can take Chantix. I took that stuff for about four months, and it completely eliminated my urge to smoke. Not all at once, but bit by bit, and eventually, completely.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, I am on a high dose of SSRIs. Woe 🙁
Thank you, regardless! <3
Aw, rats.
Still, good luck! You can do it!
I was putting the finishing touches on my grocery list when she sauntered into the room; reaching down and casually stroking my Dixon, she whispered, ‘It seems I like my men like you like your pencils: tall, sharp, and equipped with a rubber.’
(I’m working on my entry for the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.)
ginkgotree, I'm sorry to hear about your mom's cancer. You are so very thoughtful, considering her particular needs. What a loving daughter you are. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
fox, I am sorry you had a breakdown but happy to know you are in recovery. And it is impressive that you have specific goals. Admirable goals. You will succeed in being more present, I am certain of it. Libraries are wonderful places and always need smart volunteers like you. If going back to your old job feels wrong just now, let it wait. If it begins to feel better, go for it. And type about it here at The Toast, please. I would enjoy the opportunity to cheer you on. Go fox!
Thank you so much! There are a couple of wellness places down the street from me that I'm going to today to ask about physical therapy options (if they don't do it there, they might be able to give me some names). It does feel like there could be some alignment issue. And thank you for the tip about doing things really gently; it probably didn't help that my apt building's alarm went off at 2am the other night and I was rushing down and back up six flights of stairs. 🙂
Thank you! I am definitely going to look into PT now, and ITA about not crossing your legs being so difficult after essentially a lifetime of habit; I've mostly been able to stop, but every once in a while when I'm stressed at work I'll realize I've crossed them w/o even noticing.
Thank you so much; I'm really glad I asked about this on here. I plan to ask at a couple of local places about PT offering and see what I can find. I think that would be best, because I don't plan on giving up being active if it's at all possible, and I want to do what's best for my knees.
I don't really want people to say they pity me OR envy me (please don't make me reassure you how awesome your life is, because I do get lonely sometimes and have to work actively to deal with it).
I used to have a friend like this and the plastic smile you described was my most oft-used expression in her presence. I felt like I couldn't be honest with her about anything because she would react in one of the two ways you list above. So annoying, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that on what was supposed to be a pleasant ride home.
Oh man, that does sound good. There's a fancy spices store I pass by to/from the library and I'm torn on whether it'd be a great or terrible-slippery-slope-to-never-buying-regular-grocery-store-spices-again thing to go in. Smoked cinnamon sounds like one more point in the "great" column.