Bejeweled Skeletons and Bee Curses -The Toast

Turns out when you travel through Eastern Europe researching a book called The Empire of Death, you run into some pretty interesting things:

“It sounded like something from the Brothers Grimm,” he recalls. “But I followed his directions—half thinking this guy was crazy or lying—and sure enough, I found this jeweled skeleton in the woods.”

The church—more of a small chapel, really—was in ruins, but still contained pews and altars, all dilapidated from years of neglect under East German Communist rule. He found the skeleton on a side aisle, peering out at him from behind some boards that had been nailed over its chamber. As he pried off the panels to get a better look, the thing watched him with big, red glass eyes wedged into its gaping sockets. It was propped upright, decked out in robes befitting a king, and holding out a glass vial, which Koudounaris later learned would have been believed to contain the skeleton’s own blood. He was struck by the silent figure’s dark beauty, but ultimately wrote it off as “some sort of one-off freakish thing, some local curiosity.”

But then it happened again. In another German church he visited some time later, hidden in a crypt corner, he found two more resplendent skeletons. “It was then that I realized there’s something much broader and more spectacular going on,” he says.

“IT WAS THEN” OKAY BUDDY

Also, last night a reader sent this to me:

For a Swarm of Bees is an Anglo-Saxon metrical charm that was intended for use in keeping honey bees from swarming. The text was discovered by John Mitchell Kemble in the 19th century.

Despite the ostensibly mundane intent of the magic charm, many scholars have seen the sigewif (‘victory-women’) as metaphors for supernatural beings to be called on for aid in battle, or a direct reference to them. There are similarities between the Anglo-Saxon bee charm and the 9th-century German Lorsch Bee Blessing.

The translation?

Settle down, victory-women, never be wild and fly to the woods. Be as mindful of my welfare, as is each man of border and of home.

And the Lorsch Bee Blessing?

Christ, the bee swarm is out here!

Now fly, you my animals, come.

In the Lord’s peace, in God’s protection,

come home in good health.

Sit, sit bees.

The command to you from the Holy Mary.

You have no vacation;

Don’t fly into the woods;

Neither should you slip away from me.

Nor escape from me.

Sit completely still.

Do God’s will.

“Christ, the bee swarm is out here!” What a marvelous world we have been selected to live in. Have a great weekend.

[Image via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+112 Vote up Vote down

deleted5647547 126p · 531 weeks ago

Ha ha just gonna unearth some ancient bejeweled skeletons, no big deal, probably not releasing an ancient evil into the world at all or anything, doop doop doop.

Those are some fly ass skeletons though, not going to lie. Some appear to have what the youths would refer to as "swag".

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2 replies · active 530 weeks ago

+103 Vote up Vote down

JocastaCarr 134p · 531 weeks ago

"Sit, sit bees." Good bee! Who's a good bee? You're a good bee!

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5 replies · active 530 weeks ago

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youremomdotcom 102p · 531 weeks ago

WOW. Thank you. I am going to recite the Lorsch Bee Blessing to my bees this spring, repeatedly! I love the idea of telling them to "sit completely still."

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+46 Vote up Vote down

Kitling 105p · 531 weeks ago

Hey yeah would love to talk but I gotta go start a feminist collective/punk band called THE SWARM OF KILLER VICTORY BEES.

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+25 Vote up Vote down

mittenstheboar 100p · 531 weeks ago

Kickstarter to restore all the skeletons!

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2 replies · active 531 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 531 weeks ago

As he pried off the panels to get a better look, the thing watched him with big, red glass eyes wedged into its gaping sockets

AND THIS IS HOW A HORROR MOVIE BEGINS

Or at least the next installment of The Mummy franchise.

But some kind of movie involving evil, vengeful spirirts.

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+170 Vote up Vote down

ramina 119p · 531 weeks ago

And this one's all

draw me like one of your French skeletons

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6 replies · active 531 weeks ago

+96 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 531 weeks ago

"Christ, the bee swarm is out here!" is more a cry of horror than of blessing, though.

Christ, the bee swarm is out here!
Get them off me!
Dude get these bees the fuck off me
I'm allergic
Oh god they're in my eyes
Somebody help

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2 replies · active 530 weeks ago

+73 Vote up Vote down

GoatseFanfic 120p · 531 weeks ago

It's good that someone's finally started to shine a light on the crisis that is Germany's massive homeless lich population.

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1 reply · active 531 weeks ago

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winterbymorning 133p · 531 weeks ago

This one's got a grill made of SEED PEARLS. (Your move, rappers.) His eyes are SAPPHIRES. Dude's been dead for hundreds of years and he still looks cooler than I ever will.

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5 replies · active 531 weeks ago

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projectbeks 119p · 531 weeks ago

Wow, the Old High German of that bee blessing is actually really beautiful sounding (if you're a German speaker just try sounding it out - it's like a mashup of modern German and Anglo Saxon, fun times!).

Fun fact re: rando skeleton parts in churches. When I was in Italy, I visited a monastery outside of Rome. Very Byzantine, very big, and very empty, except for a few locals and some touring priests. While wandering around, I came across an entire ROOM of relics. Floor to ceiling containers of every shape and size containing various body parts of questionable origin. Weirdly, it was the only part of the church that seemed to be neglected. There was dust everywhere. Super creepy. I skeedaddled.

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7 replies · active 531 weeks ago

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sausagedog 127p · 531 weeks ago

I am not living my Best Life because I have neither an army of helpful spirit-bees nor do I have the means to cover my corpse in jewels once I die. Gotta keep on that hustle I guess.

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+143 Vote up Vote down

Kitling 105p · 531 weeks ago

One time, my friends started discussing whether they would prefer cremation or burial after death. I googled this and then turned the screen around and cleared my throat pompously:

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17 replies · active 530 weeks ago

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doublehoagie 100p · 531 weeks ago

You know what keeps the German bees in place? The bakery case in summer. Those things are full of bees.

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+49 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 531 weeks ago

BRB rewriting the will to instruct my progeny to exhume me, dress me in couture, and arrange me in a come-hither position in the front yard. The great-grandkids will love it!

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+19 Vote up Vote down

Rillquiet 118p · 531 weeks ago

The Bee Boy's Song by Rudyard Kipling

Bees! Bees! Hark to your bees!
"Hide from your neighbours as much as you please,
But all that has happened, to us you must tell,
Or else we will give you no honey to sell!"

A Maiden in her glory,
Upon her wedding-day,
Must tell her Bees the story,
Or else they'll fly away.
Fly away - die away -
Dwindle down and leave you!
But if you don't deceive your Bees,
Your Bees will not deceive you.

Marriage, birth or buryin',
News across the seas,
All you're sad or merry in,
You must tell the Bees.
Tell 'em coming in an' out,
Where the Fanners fan,
'Cause the Bees are just about
As curious as a man!

Don't you wait where trees are,
When the lightnings play;
Nor don't you hate where Bees are,
Or else they'll pine away.
Pine away - dwine away -
Anything to leave you!
But if you never grieve your Bees,
Your Bees'll never grieve you!
==================================================

I am also disproportionately fond of Ivan Kupala's version of an old song used to wake the bees in the spring (ain't nobody got time for lazy bees):

Oh, you, my bees,
my ardent bees,
Why do you sit quietly?
why don't you take flight?

So a rain didn't drench you,
and a breeze didn't dry you.
So a rain didn't drench you,
and a breeze didn't dry you.

Oh, you, my guests,
My dear guests,
Why do you sit quietly?
Why don't you eat bread and salt? [a traditional Slavic symbol of welcome]

So my bread is ordinary,
and my husband is sad.
So my bread is ordinary,
and my husband is sad.

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1 reply · active 531 weeks ago

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QuinonaNox 122p · 531 weeks ago

Bees, you have no vacation --

I'm sorry but as the incantation implies a contract rather than an employment relationship, you'll have to take it unpaid.

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Pocket_Witch 122p · 531 weeks ago

I appreciate the tagging system on this website.

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+12 Vote up Vote down

JGlo · 531 weeks ago

I am going to stand at my hive and pray these in the spring.

Apparently there is another metrical charm Against A Dwarf. Smaug must have known it, but not bothered to learn Against A Hobbit. Hence his untimely downfall.

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SwitchingGenres 113p · 531 weeks ago

One of the perks of working in an academic library is that I can read about books about bejeweled skeletons on The Toast, and then go out into the stacks and check them out!

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Frumiosa 141p · 531 weeks ago

I prefer the Izzard Charm myself.

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1 reply · active 531 weeks ago

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Steph 99p · 531 weeks ago

Thirty odd comments and not one of you's made an Izzard reference? Gracious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-tl6GBOBo

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1 reply · active 531 weeks ago

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steelyglints 94p · 531 weeks ago

ooh what about the bee charm read aloud in anglo saxon! http://acadblogs.wheatoncollege.edu/mdrout/catego...

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1 reply · active 531 weeks ago

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Maryaed 109p · 531 weeks ago

The Anglo-Saxons rarely disappoint.

I'm shocked that our consumerist society hasn't managed to make bedazzled skeletons ordinary yet. I'd think the 1% would be all over that option. Has Neiman-Marcus heard about this?

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rolotomassi5 103p · 531 weeks ago

BEADS?????!!!!!!!!!

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1 reply · active 531 weeks ago

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bocadelperro 112p · 531 weeks ago

Oh Mallory, this link roundup hits so close to my actual research specialties that I want to give you a big internet hug. May all the saints and martyrs bless you and your descendants for a thousand generations. I feel ever so slightly less like I'm toiling away in obscurity today.

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fakely_mctest 106p · 531 weeks ago

This seems relevant: bee high-fives drunk man

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emdash · 531 weeks ago

While we're at it, please be aware of the Bechbretha, an entire book of bee-related law in Old Irish.

http://www.cabdirect.org/abstracts/19840215009.ht...

And make the acquaintance of Saint Gobnait, the patron saint of bees.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gobnait

This website is making my post-secondary education just marginally less useless. Delightful.

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3 replies · active 531 weeks ago

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laurenipsum 109p · 531 weeks ago

Bee swarms are so cool. BEES are so cool.

Here is one of my swarms, the only one I managed to capture:

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1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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caelyd · 531 weeks ago

"You have no vacation;
Don’t fly into the woods;
Neither should you slip away from me.
Nor escape from me.
Sit completely still."

pretty sure that's a clause in my work contract

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leslieellenjones 109p · 531 weeks ago

Just like to give a shout-out to one of my favorite academic subtitles of all time: Popular Religion in Late Saxon England: Elf Charms in Context by Karen Louise Jolley.

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betsymore 124p · 531 weeks ago

This is THE BEST end to my week. A thousand thanks.

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helloimalion · 531 weeks ago

I'm feeling some major trying-desperately-to-keep-bees-obedient/trying-desperately-to-keep-ladies-obedient overlap. (It's probably mostly centered around "Stay completely still. Do God's will." Sheeesh.)

That being said, I come from a family of beekeepers and wild, disobedient women. So.

Anyway, I think this brings me one step closer to getting "be the swarms of bees you want to see in the world" tattooed on my body.

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mkpatter 114p · 531 weeks ago

Charms are ADORABLE. I want to be a hedgewitch when I grow up more than ever!

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heypresto · 531 weeks ago

Here's a plug: one of the great things about Mr. Heypresto's book is that it has new translations of lots of Anglo-Saxon charms and riddles, with the Anglo-Saxon on the facing pages. Here's the second stanza of David Barber's translation of the "Charm for a Swarm of Bees":
'Stay put on this plot, proud sisters in arms!
Never turn wild and take to the woods.
What is good for you is good for me,
As any man will tell you who tends the land.'
If you want more (including a new translation of "Against a Dwarf" by Thomas McCarthy), check out "The Word Exchange: Anglo-Saxon Poems in Translation." It's put out by Norton.
And right on with An Bechbretha!

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disfordragon 38p · 530 weeks ago

This gives new meaning to, "Those are pearls that were his eyes..."

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dancingcrowdesigns 111p · 530 weeks ago

At work my boss is self-diagnosed adult ADHD, and grossly over-committed AND spectacularly disorganized (yes those are separate things, even if the overlap is large) and I managed to ask him as we were walking down the hall at one point if he felt like his head was full of bees and he shouted "YES MY HEAD IS FULL OF BEES!!" at volume and with many other people within hearing. I am still proud of getting him to admit it, and yell about it, so loudly.

Bejeweled Skeletons and Bee Curses

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

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