INT. DAY. It is early morning — the sun is coming in through the window. CHANNING TATUM is asleep in bed, one foot hanging over the edge. He is wearing oversized blue footie pajamas — NOT a Snuggie; old-fashioned footie pajamas with the buttons in the back — and snoring gently. MARK RUFFALO climbs in through the window.
MARK RUFFALO: Channing. Channing. [No response. He nudges CHANNING gently.] Hey, Channing.
[He nudges CHANNING less gently this time, who rolls off the bed and onto the floor.]
CHANNING TATUM [blearily, as if still half-asleep]: Whozzat. m’fight you. Fight you in the…face. Mmf.
MARK RUFFALO: You have to get up, Channing Tatum. We’re best friends, and today is fox-catching day.
CHANNING TATUM: Oh, shit.
[CHANNING leaps up and executes a series of flawless air kicks.]
CHANNING TATUM: Lemme just put on my good track pants. It’s time to do some…
[Screen fades to black]
FOXCATCHING
EXT. DAY. MARK and CHANNING are sprinting merrily through the woods, giggling and leaping over one another and talking about their feelings. There is a beautiful red fox in the distance with a puffy tail.
MARK RUFFALO: What are you going to do with your fox once you catch it?
CHANNING TATUM: I’m not sure. I mean, cuddle the shit out of the little dude, for sure, at least at first. But I dunno what I’ll do, like, forever with him, fox-wise. Lemme think about it. [CHANNING removes his shirt and shoes.]
MARK RUFFALO: What are you doing?
CHANNING TATUM: This helps me think. Someone told me that taking your shirt and shoes off helps you think better.
MARK RUFFALO: I’ve never heard that before.
CHANNING TATUM: Really? People tell me that, like, all the time.
MARK RUFFALO: I think maybe people just tell you that to get you to take your shirt off.
CHANNING TATUM: You think so?
MARK RUFFALO: I think maybe they are not being honest with you.
CHANNING TATUM: Thanks, Mark.
[He does not put his shirt back on.]
CHANNING TATUM: You’re my best friend.
MARK RUFFALO: I love catching foxes and not getting shot with you.
CHANNING TATUM: And I love that you have a full, luxurious head of hair, and not a close-cropped balding wig.
MARK RUFFALO: Huh. Me too, I guess.
CHANNING TATUM: Oh shit, oh shit, Mark, there he is! There’s that little fox dude! I’m gonna catch the shit out of him!
[CHANNING leaps and pirouettes over a series of brambles in his pursuit of the fox, tearing his good track pants into a pair of track shorts.]
MARK RUFFALO: Wait up!
[MARK sprints after CHANNING, using pretty much all of his muscles, and the two of them tumble over the fox, rolling head over tail over toes into a clearing. They start laughing as the fox flicks its puffy white tail at them.]
CHANNING TATUM: Holy shit, this fox has a puffy tail! Look at how puffy his little tail is, dude!
MARK RUFFALO: I feel like I can tell you anything, Channing.
CHANNING TATUM: TICKLE FIGHT!
[MARK RUFFALO pulls out a set of squirt guns from his upscale track pants, which are somehow both comfy-looking and also classy and also you can see just a little bit of the outline of his dick, nothing obscene, very tasteful, and points them sideways at CHANNING TATUM.]
CHANNING TATUM: Oh, shit, Ruffalo!
[The squirt guns are full of jelly. The fox romps playfully over both of them, happily licking jelly out of their hair.]
MARK RUFFALO [suddenly]: Were we supposed to be somewhere today?
INT. DAY. STEVE CARELL sits forlornly at a table with three scripts in front of him. AN ASSISTANT pokes her head in the door.
ASSISTANT: Can I get you anything, Mr. Carell?
STEVE CARELL: No, I — I don’t need anything, I guess. [to himself] I guess I got the days wrong.
EXT. DAY. The woods.
CHANNING TATUM: All this jelly makes wrestling really slippery.
MARK RUFFALO: You’re just saying that because you’re losing.
[Image via Darth]
Tags: channing tatum, fan fiction, mark ruffalo, movies, movies that don’t exist
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Look, I know he’s not in the movie, but can we get Chris Evans in on this somehow
he’s at the den being licked and romped over by wee little fox kits
Thank you. Just…thank you.
Chris Evans was just ripping apart some logs with his bare hands in his cabin nearby, as one does, but was perfectly happy to accommodate a couple of jelly-smeared foxcatchers and their fox with a bath and some tea.
This makes me so happy…..
He and Chris Pratt are taking bets on who can catch a fox first and take the adorable little kits to play with sick children
he’s walking through the woods alone, singing to himself and tearing up at the sight of waterfalls and sunsets, when he stumbles across a whole passel of kits. “chris, you meatball!” he says to himself. “i nearly stepped on these little guys.” the kits don’t seem too worried about it, since they jump on him excitedly, accidentally (???) tearing the sleeves away from his flannel shirt.
YES THIS NEEDS TO BE A THING.
NO, MARK RUFFALO. YOU ARE WRONG. LISTEN TO CHANNING & TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT. LET YOUR CHEST HAIR RUFFALO IN THE BREEZE
“LET YOUR CHEST HAIR RUFFALO IN THE BREEZE”
And that right there is where I spit coffee on my keyboard. DYING
I was going to scream at the next person who walked through my door and now all I can feel is the purest joy. CHANNING TATER and SCRUFFALO and PLAYFUL ROMPING FOX.
I am filled with joy and delight that is tempered by a smidgen of sadness for Steve Carrell.
EXCEPT THE PUPPY IS A FOX
YOU ARE A HERO
CHANNING IS THE REAL HERO. FEEDING PUPPIES FROM SPOONS FOR AMERICA
omgggggggg
that’s it, I’m dead and it’s all your fault
It’s the way he makes little lapping-it-up faces along with the puppy. HOW IS THAT EVEN REAL.
I can just hear him saying “nyum nyum nyum” along with the puppy STAAAHHHHHHHP
He and the puppy are nomming on each other, it’s too too much. I am indifferent to Channing Tatum as a sex symbol and actor, but I love him very much as a borderline cartoon character of a human being.
“Comfy-looking and also classy” is the perfect description of Mark Ruffalo and anything attributable to him.
Oh, fact.
I need nothing else in my life. Just this article and the thoughts of these two men gallivanting with foxes.
I have been not so patiently awaiting “If Mark Ruffalo Were Your Boyfriend.”
Ruffalo……man…..his hair in “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind” is basically my best bedhead ever and I’m not even sure I ever manage it. And he was able to just make it happen! And then he waxes on The Clash and that FOOL ignores him.
That’s when I knew we were friends.
I just set this article as my homepage on my work computer. I hope that anyone who ever borrows my computer will be as delighted as I am right now.
I had a horrible horrible day (it involved a panic attack in a job interview) and I thought I would never smile again BUT THEN
bless you, mallory. bless your powerful soul and febrile imagination. I hope you lift a personal best.
I’m so sorry for your horrible day and interview experience! I just finished a less-than-ideal one myself, but it didn’t involve panic attacks. I hope the next one goes better.
That’s weird, I had a less-than-ideal interview experience yesterday too. It didn’t involve panic attacks, just being almost half an hour late to the interview. This fox is healing a lot of wounds.
I have only seen the first five minutes of this movie, and am now content to live the rest of my life believing that this was the story sad Channing Tatum was about to tell.
May I point out that there are in fact two precedents for taking off your shirt and shoes to think better:
1) take off your shirt like Andy Dwyer
2) take off your shoes like John McClane
I used to take my top off to do homework in college. And I hate shoes, so I think this might be true for me. Not that it would work at the office, which is too bad.
MALLORY. Please make this a real movie immediately. If it helps, I am 100% certain Channing Tatum and Mark Ruffalo would go for it.
I was with you right up until the jelly.
And afterward:
I THINK WE ALL MISSED THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS POST
CHANNING TATUM IN BUTT-FLAP JAMMIES
One button should be teasingly unbuttoned to complete the picture.
Mallory, I was so happy about the fox-catching and the jelly and then forlorn Steve Carrell made me so sad. Why did you let Steve Carrell’s sadness make me so sad? Why can’t he have jelly and foxes too?
Because Mallory, in Her infinite wisdom, must always twist the knife a little bit. It’s a potent and purposeful reminder that She can giveth, and She can taketh away.
I AM ALSO DREADFULLY SAD ABOUT POOR STEVE CARRELL. THERE MUST BE A SEQUEL.
Some deft detail work in these documentary photographs of the Tatum-Ruffalo Vulpine Search & Rescue Team.
Oh, but who’s sheltering the fox while sending the boys off, tally-ho? GASP.
Saw your tweet re: this. I just wanted to say I had this problem too seven years ago when I sat down to watch rupauls dragrace and there were no car racing in full drag component to the competition. I am ok now but it took me a long time to get over.
I printed this out and will keep a copy in my purse so that I can read this even when the power is out and I have no phone or internet or I’m stuck underground like on the metro or something.
I would be fully in favor of fox hunts if they involved cuddling the fox.
To quote the recent “Can you make a fox into a pet” article that was posted in the link roundup: “We want to hug foxes, and we want them to like it.”
I think I just favorited every single comment in this whole thing.
Ruffalo……man…..his hair in "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" is basically my best bedhead ever and I'm not even sure I ever manage it. And he was able to just make it happen! And then he waxes on The Clash and that FOOL ignores him.
That's when I knew we were friends.
“Whozzat. m’fight you. Fight you in the…face. Mmf.”
I haven’t even gotten past this line and I’m already howling with glee at my desk and this is going to be the best, I know it is, what a glorious day this is already.
I love this more than many things. ALMOST as much as a four-day extension on a paper due to weather issues preventing source materials from arriving and being useful for myself and my classmates.