Fried potatoes and marinated foraged porcini mushrooms. The bartender has nothing to say except that the bartenderโs mom wins everything. This weekend cannot come soon enough, with or without mushrooms. (Some of you may hate mushrooms. More for me). Open thread!
Tags: open thread, the bartender
Goooooood morning lovelies! Am I really the first?
YOU ARE. Well done!
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!
I guess I’ll share some Ruthie pictures then. She is such a goofball, oh my goodness. Here she is supervising me in the bathroom:
Dog head tilts get me EVERY TIME. Thank you for that!
So cute! Guess we’d better make this the dog thread then ๐
Awww, s/he looks concerned!
She should, she is a giant troublemaker.
That is definitely a “Oops busted” look.
She is not a particularily snuggly dog, so you know when she climbs in your lap and gives you that look, she’s done something wrong and she knows it.
These pictures are so sweet! Thank you for sharing. My 15-year-old dog passed away this past week and I’m still adjusting to life without her. Cherish these moments, please!
I’m so sorry for your loss! ๐ My childhood dog is nearing 14 now and I’m dreading that day.
I got a dog! I kind of got her last week, but was unsure about keeping her until Monday, but now I’ve done the adoption paperwork and informed my landlord, so it’s official!
She’s super sweet, and a bit of a princess. Her name is Trixie and she’s adorable.
LOOK AT THAT PUUUUPPPPP. I snuggle you, you lil cutieface!
Aww, she’s adorable!
I have no photos, but I want to add that watching my pup’s joy in the snow every day is really getting me through the winter
SO CUTE! She’s getting bigger every time!
If I remember correctly, last week or the week before you were having a tough time – hope everything’s ok.
Yes, thanks for asking! I’m doing… ok. My new therapist has been great and things are not as bad, but they’re still not great. I’m working on not being a total sad sack 24/7 though. This helps:
Glad to hear you’re doing better!!
Omg she is soooo cuuuuuuuute. Anyone would get better if they could look at that little face every day!!!!! Spring is coming, you’re gonna be okay ๐
Guess who got a new sweater…
This puppy cannot possibly exist.
Toasts. Hello.
Please tell me how you are staying warm. I’m out of ideas and it was -22 at my house this morning.
I highly recommend space heaters and never leaving your bed. Alternately, go outside without a jacket for a minute, and then when you get back inside or go out with a proper jacket you’ll feel all warm!
I’m staying warm cause it is is 50 deg F outside (I’m sorry don’t hate me).
The cherry trees are flowering already! IT’S NOT EVEN MARCH.
In my city, tooooo!
I know it!
My feeble brain cannot comprehend trees blooming in February.
Electric lap blanket.
Stay safe.
I bought an electric blanket earlier this season and it was an EXCELLENT investment.
Yes. I got two of them for Christmas and they’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
love boiled wool. Warmest per ounce in the closet.
I’ve moved into a hot shower for the remainder of the winter. Electricity bill will be a beast, but I’m really into this minimalism thing lately.
Heated mattress pad. Best Christmas present ever.
I can’t even tell you how sad we are that my electric mattress pad shorted out and died two years ago. So. Unbelievably. Sad.
IN your house? That is too cold. Stay in bed always. Sleep in a hat.
No, thank whatever deity is in charge of my furnace staying lit, just outside. However, that made for the interesting effects of 1) a rather thick layer of ice on the inside of the windows, and 2) the knowledge that there was an 80-degree temperature differential between inside and outside, which, BUH.
I’m getting the hell out of Dodge! Leaving work in 3 hours to fly to Arizona! Highly recommend this method.
a wise decision. it’s only 64 now but it supposed to get up to 82 today *bask in sunshine*
“Only” is not a word that goes before “64” when talking about degrees Fahrenheit!
i am entering my 12th year as a Phoenician. i have been thoroughly spoiled and ruined by the heat. anything below 70 in the morning and i’m leaving the house in warm pants and a scarf.
I am applying this method to early March.
Or move to Los Angeles 7 years ago, be warm this winter. Too warm.
Be careful of which part of Arizona. I spent 19 years there. Flagstaff should be in a deep freeze about now. Stick to The Valley.
Wearing today at the office: Smartwool socks, Cuddl-Duds (top and bottom), thick leggings, leg warmers, knee-high boots, waffle-knit thermal top, thrift-store cashmere turtleneck, infinity scarf, fleece beret, fingerless gloves.
Not. Even. Joking.
That seems 100% reasonable.
Seems legit.
Currently in Smartwool hiking socks, jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, and a knee-length bulky wool cardigan. Blanket in my lap. Working at home. It’s so cold that the insulation in my walls has basically given up. Current room temperature, despite the mighty struggles of the radiators: 62F.
Excuse me, I’m going to make another cup of tea.
Pashmina. It’s not cheap, but it’s cheaper than electricity and incredibly un-bulky.
Oh and hot water bottles are surprisingly warm.
Feather duvet, heated car seats, all the sweaters, using my office space heater as a foot rest, fireplace, boyfriend.
FIREPLACE AUGH.
I love my fireplace beyond the telling of it, but it’s in the same room as the thermostat which means the heat for the rest of the house turns off if we have a fire going, which means frozen pipes, which would be dreadfully inconvenient.
Fleece pajama pants. Also friendly cats. Fleece bags filled with flax seeds and heated in the microwave for 1-2 minutes. Lots and lots of tea.
The Burgomaster bought me a pair of those seed-filled microwaveable slippers for xmas. HEAVEN.
OMG slippers…I never thought of that. I am staring into space in awe and glee at the very thought. Flax seed filled slippers are definitely going on my list of things to try and make.
Why flax seeds in particular?
Well, they work similarly to rice pillows, but with flax seeds it’s the oil in the seed that is heating, so you can reuse the same pillow for much much longer. Rice seed pillows eventually stop working as well because the water in the rice evaporates over time (or at least that’s what I was told by the person who introduced me to flax seed pillows).
Flax is more expensive, but I just found a place in town that sells it bulk as bird seed and it’s so much cheaper!
I’m not. But I am thinking of starting a fire in the recycling bin.
I highly recommend moving to the west coast or taking to the sea.
But in all seriousness, with a grain of salt, my parents have been seeing a chiropractor who does a lot of woo-woo unscientific stuff (as far as I’m concerned). But they say that biofeedback and mindfulness has measurably increased the circulation to their extremities, which, in turn, means they feel warmer. They have actual temperature readings from their hands and feet to prove it so…? I guess concentrate on relaxing your back and shoulders, which allows the blood to move more freely.
This advice brought to you by my mom’s woo-woo chiropractor.
All these responses and nobody has mentioned sex? You’re slipping, Toasties.
Seriously, if I could, I would stay in bed all day with the Boo and stay warm. Maybe this is an unrealistic option, seeing as most people have jobs, not all people have partners etc, but just humor me for a second…
My kingdom for a balaclava….
I read that as “baklava” and was totally with you.
Why not both? I mean one makes the other hard to eat, but eh.
I store my boots and slippers over the heating grate.
Down coats, fleece blankets layered in under the comforter, flannel sheets, long underwear under the clothes, wool socks, hot-non-caffeinated beverages, dogs to cuddle with, wool sweaters layered over long underwear tops, swinging legs and arms about or doing situps or yoga to get the blood flowing, lighting candles for the psychological benefit of seeing fire…
Lots and lots of layers.
Still playing outside.
Running a dehumidifier inside to avoid glaciated windows.
We’re getting much warmer here as you all freeze, and it is very very disconcerting.
I converted my couch into an epic pillow/blanket fort with cushions, throw pillows, bed pillows and 3 (maybe 4?) blankets. I hunker down there with my book and my tablet and my tea and my cat and try not to move.
Fleece-lined tights and giant hoodies that I buy from the men’s department because they’re way comfier than anything made for women. Also, leaving my bed as little as possible.
The thermostat in my office is broken so it’s 90 degrees in there (not exaggerating). Weirdly, after 8 hours in the sweltering heat, being outside feels nice for a few minutes before it’s awful again.
My friend (who, amusingly, lives in a much warmer place than I) introduced me to the wonders of fleece-lined tights, and they are THE BEST.
I am wearing some now. Under my jeans, over my wool socks, beneath the undershirt, overshirt, and lined wool cardigan.
Please tell me how you are staying warm.
I’m not. It stinks. Every time it snows more, I feel on the edge of tears.
THIS SNOW IS HARSHING MY MELLOW.
Okay, there is one way I keep warm. The Fella has discovered my secret, in traditional beauty-and-the-beast style: at night, I revert to my true form, which is a heap of blankets. (He looks over at me, sees maybe a pair of eyes shining out in the dim light and a pair of hands tapping away on deadline, and he still says “You’re pretty.” He’s got it pretty bad, is what.)
I work from home, which means I rarely have to brave the towering snowbanks outside our home, but I’m beginning to think that “never go outside” is maybe not a tenable strategy. I forced myself to go out yesterday. I hated it. I don’t suppose anyone’s noticed, but it’s cold out there.
samesies. Currently being forced to work from starbucks due to lack of internet at home. Not happy about it. People keep OPENING THE DOOR!!!
My friend’s mom shared a video from the Press Herald of the harbor frozen over, and it just blew my mind. I admit to being hugely sad that I am not there for the epic winter of my romantic childhood dreams. It seems so much more exciting when it happens back there than in the normal course of events here!
I’m not. ๐
The refrain of the week’s been “why on earth did I not go to grad school in Victoria?!” because seriously, this part of Canada is a damp frozen hellscape and no-one should live here.
I stay warm by living in Hawaii. ๐
It’s supposed to get up to 83 degrees today, and at the moment I am lying on my living room couch while sunlight streams through the windows and Hawaiian music plays from somewhere outside.
You’ve just made yourself quite the target.
Jammies under regular clothes! I’m toasty!
Marinating in white hot rage, because I love in the south and it’s NOT supposed to BE like this.
EXACTLY.
I have the space heater going in my freezing office, and I’m wearing wool pants and a wool sweater with thermal underthings beneath them, and I’m drinking tea — so I’m almost cozy at the moment. Not looking forward to going outside to go home, though.
Last year during the polar vortex, my apartment building’s heat failed. That was fun (she said sarcastically). I spent several days wearing five layers of clothing and fingerless gloves, and huddling under fleece blankets on the couch.
My recent amazing warmth discovery: I’m wearing one of those belly bands you get to hold your pants up when you’re pregnant, but don’t want to go full on maternity pants yet. And it turns out that because it’s basically a thick layer around your midsection, it’s the perfect tummy protector for that horrible moment when you move too much and the wind gets in the crack between your jacket and pants and you want to die. Seriously, everyone, pregnant or not, should get one of these just to help with February. Bonus: I’ve been walking around with my pants unbuttoned all week.
Today marks week 4, post-breakup and after a lot of thinking I’ve realized that it really wasn’t my fault. Someone who’s determined to be unhappy will find a way and I was just unfortunate to be collateral damage along the way. How about you, dears? What’s your best “it’s not me, it’s you” story?
Mine echoes yours a lot. He was determined to make a martyr of himself and in the end I couldn’t take it anymore.
It’ll be a year three weeks from now and I am finally, finally starting to fully recover and realize this.
My last girlfriend broke up with me because “being in a relationship stressed [her] out” except whenever we tried to talk about it, it became really obvious that she was stressed out about a lot of other things that had absolutely nothing to do with me, but I was the expendable element in the equation. Like “I am so overwhelmed by finals” –> “I would have more time to study for finals if I were single” even though I knew better than to ask to spend time with her when she had tests or projects coming up and her time-management problems were entirely her own.
It was a really great relationship in a lot of ways (we were very good friends before we started dating and we still are now) but it wore me down being considered a burden all the time when the real problems were completely unrelated. Girlfriend was not big on Talking About Issues, she was more into bottling up her feelings until she would finally explode… over stuff that would most likely have been an easy fix if she had brought it up earlier. For example: sometimes I would go pick her up when her classes ended so we could get coffee or something. I did this because we didn’t always get to spend a lot of time together and if she had picked ME up after class I would have been touched by the gesture. It turned out that this bothered her because she saw it as me being clingy. If she had said something I would have stopped doing it, but she just let it stew until she snapped and said she wanted to break up with me because I was too clingy – which for me came completely out of the blue because, again, she had never said that she didn’t like it.
Guh. This is too familiar. My last girlfriend also found habits of mine “too clingy” (this included gchatting, and saying that I would miss her when she left, and offering to come visit her in her town) but didn’t bother to tell me about it until we were breaking up.
Also she apparently spent the entire relationship mad at me because she thought she wasn’t allowed to date other people but I was, when in fact I thought we were both free to do so. COMMUNICATION.
I might still be a tiiiiny bit bitter, 8 years later, that more often than not she would refuse to have coffee with me between classes because she “needed to use that time to study” but if one of her friends suggested straight up cutting class, that was not a problem.
Oh how about the ex who cheated on all of his partners but being in an honest open relationship with me (I have a primary partner) was just too much, and oh by the way, he never disclosed that he had genital herpes (thank goodness for my hyperfocus on safe sex and not doing anything but hand stuff without testing!!).
No, I was not the reason you punched that wall. No, I was not the reason you broke my glass candle holders but magically had the awareness to only pick “the ones I wouldn’t mind losing”. No, I was not the person feeding a story to friends that was different from the story told to her therapist that was different than the story told to me. No, I was not the reason you stood on the front lawn and screamed obscenities at me. No, I am not the reason you slammed my head into my car. I’m not saying I was 100% blame-free for all our problems, but those things? Those things were not me.
Good on you, Momthra. Here’s to future happy relationships!
Similar to some other people, I am putting a five-year open relationship to bed because he wasn’t actually good at communication, consent, or checking in with me on how I felt about stuff. Because it was his RIGHT to have an open relationship, and I was being manipulative by dangling that carrot but then putting strings on it like “You need to tell me when you see other people” and “I would like to meet your other partners.”
Now we’re in the dredges of complaints like “You were too busy with your exciting professional/academic future, and I felt lonely.” And “what if you made some concessions, too, like if I gave up seeing other people for a while would you give up TV” arbitrariness.
It is very hard to continue seeing him as a good person and not a jealous hold-back-y privileged male.
“what if you made some concessions, too, like if I gave up seeing other people for a while would you give up TV”
WHAAAAAATTTT. throw this man in the GARBAGE. i’ve been where you are and being free of that kind of bullshit is gonna start feeling so good. I’m sorry your relationship is ending — that’s always hard — but congrats on being free of manipulative dick moves like that (hopefully your other relationships(?) are much more focused on giving than on taking away).
Guh, mine follows the cliche “reformed bad boy” narrative (think Barney and Robin from HIMYM) so closely it’s embarrassing. I was his secondary partner for a long time, and he was sleeping around with a few other girls along with me and his primary. After he and his primary broke up it was effectively just me that he wanted as a romantic partner, but, you know, wanted to keep sleeping around (when I expressed my worry that he would replace me he said “Well, I’ve pretty much worked my way through all the girls on campus, I’m kind of out of options.” Nice guy). I finally snapped and told him I couldn’t do it anymore, I needed monogamy or nothing at all.
Huge fight ensued, all over FB chat because I was studying abroad at the time. We “broke up” (though he insisted it had never been a relationship – news to me). A few weeks later he came crawling back and said he would do it, he would be monogamous with me.
“Hell yeah, I fixed the bad boy” I thought. “I’m so special, I changed him.” Nah. He spent the rest of our relationship resenting me for demanding monogamy. Requesting three-ways, asking if he could dom another girl if he didn’t have sex with her, generally making it clear that he was doing me a huge favor by not sleeping with anyone else.
I thought it was my fault for not being adventurous enough, kinky enough, just ENOUGH in general. For not being a dozen girls at once, for being clingy and “causing drama.”
I finally came around a few weeks after we broke up, when he told me how he was reading The Ethical Slut and was coming to understand that one girl can’t satisfy all his “needs” and he just can’t be monogamous. Still framing it as “it’s your fault for trying to make me into someone I’m not.” No, it’s not, you made me a promise of your own free will and I expected you would live up to it without resenting me for it.
The guy I spent a good year all kinds of wrecked over recently emailed me.
(sidebar: we’re now very good friends; in fact, he came to our Thanksgiving shindig a couple of years ago and he gets on famously with MrChouffe, but for a long time we were just very very bad for each other and I was moderately torn up about his decision to cut things off.)
In this email, said ex let me know that he’d made a huge mistake leaving me and had been talked into doing so against his better judgement. It was really, really odd, and surprisingly painful, and really reassuring.
i’m in bed with flu and it is SO BORING. so boring!!!!
also my boyfriend has been away all week and gets back in like an hour and the kitchen is covered with dirty plates etc…. so maybe i should try and deal with that before he gets back… but standing up makes me feel like i want to die, so.
Oh, honey. I was in bed with the flu two weeks ago and I’m still recovering. Sending you good wishes for quick healing.
Fuck the dishes. Stay in bed.
Oh, it’s so boring. Here’s a simple game, so simple you can even play it in the flu-addled state you might be in.
Be patient with yourself and let your plates sit, or call a loving friend and ask from help. Once when my husband was traveling and I got the horrible flu, my sister insisted on bringing soup and saltines and Oreos (for when I felt better) and even did some of my dishes, which I thought would tear at my soul (I am deeply, weirdly private, especially about my messiness) but in retrospect it was like being visited by a benevolent force of nature, all golden haze and harmony.
ugh, I hope you feel better soon! :c
Husband and I are sick (he’s in worse shape than me and carrying on like he’s dying). I stayed home yesterday but then felt stupidly guilty at the thought of taking 2 sick days in a row so came in today – even though I knew very well that I would have nothing to do here. Bluh. I wanted to see a movie this weekend, maybe go out for dinner, but it looks like we’ll be staying in.
I’m also annoyed because I took a bunch of dresses in for tailoring because they gaped at the back, and one of them still does – much less noticeably, but still. Another had 3 “bows” down the back (half a bow on each side of the zipper) and I told the guy I wanted to keep them and… they’re gone. Husband picked them up for me and didn’t know about the bows and there doesn’t seem to be much of a point in going there and being all “DUDE, MY BOWS” but 1) how hard would it have been to sew them back on 2) they were the one ornamental detail on an otherwise plain Little Black Dress so now I am left with just the plainness.
(I also may or may not be in one of those “griping about everything under the sun” kind of moods, so… bear with me.)
I have always had the WORST luck with tailors! One beautiful dress got taken in so much that I couldn’t breathe, and then I gained like, two pounds and couldn’t even zip it anymore. ๐
jacked up tailoring is totally worth griping about. i’d be marching right back in there demanding satisfaction. if i wanted a half-assed job done, i’d do it myself. if i’m gonna pay a *professional* to do something, it WILL be done right or i will get a refund.
(i apparently have many strong FEELS about this.)
My male partner is also being an unrelenting baby about having a cold and I want to set him alight.
Earlier this week he texted to ask me to buy a thermometer on my way home because he was running a high fever. I replied that we already have one and it’s on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. He said he couldn’t find it, so I went and bought a new one, and when I got home – yeah, you guessed it, the old one was exactly where I had told him it was. He insisted that he looked there and didn’t see it – and I don’t think he’s lying about looking there – but it’s like how dense can you be, our medicine cabinet is tiny and you can see everything in there at a glance.
The best part is that his temperature was in the normal range.
How do they manage to do this? My husband never knows where things are, and when he asks, I’ll give him specific locations like “the new toothpaste is in the hall closet next to the soap bottles.” Then, later, he’ll say something like “I couldn’t find the toothpaste. It wasn’t in the bathroom drawer where you said, so I ordered more off Amazon.” Or if he does actually look in the hall closet, he doesn’t see it right there. ?!
I DON’T KNOW but he does it all the time, so I feel your pain! I’ll say “Hey, can you pass me the ____, it is next to the TV” and he’ll start wandering around the room looking for the ___ on the bookcase, on the side table, on top of the rabbit hutch, inside my secretary desk. I just watch him, biting back the urge to shriek “I SAID NEXT TO THE FREAKING TV, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING.”
Oh man, I don’t know. But when I was younger I was that person. I could never find anything, had to get my mother to find things that were hanging in my closet.
Now, I am the person who finds things in my house. my boyfriend is hopeless. He is a competent professional person, and yet has no idea where anything in our house is ever.
I’ve been on both sides of this – generally do know where things are, although I have started telling everyone to “look, dammit – pick things up, put things down, move things around, it was there when I saw it last”
BUT!! I have also been the person asking for help looking for a thing because although I knew it was right there in front of me, my eyes were just drifting over it. So, yeah. Finding shit.
Hahahahaha yup. I’ll tell my boyfriend, “can you grab the sieve out of the bottom cabinet please,” and I’ll see him actually open the cabinet, look inside, and report “it’s not there.” Somehow it manages to re-appear in the next ten seconds when I go over and open the cabinet myself. Men!
why are men so bad at being sick? why are they such annoying babies about it?? Every time a male partner of mine has gotten sick I’ve had a moment of “wow, I could not marry this man” because of the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows. if you’re sick and being a baby about it I’m outtie.
A couple of weeks ago, my male boss was in the office whining about how he was sick and why was no one being nice to him, and my direct boss (female) straight up told him that men were babies about being sick and women are not required to be patient about it. It was great.
Because their mamas babied them for every illness. My mama babied my brother for every illness. But she fussed over my illnesses for exactly 24 hours. Then it was, Get out of bed and help me with these dishes. And make yourself some tea. You can lie down again after the kitchen is clean.
So the question is, how are we raising our sons? Are we teaching them the same coping skills we teach our daughters?
Well my spouse was raised by a single mom who was …. well anyway, she alternately doted on him and was violently abusive so who knows.
I”m not sure. My partner is almost always really great at being a feminist ally, and examining gender roles and his own privilege and prejudices. I’ve called him on it a few times this week and all I get in response is whining about how bad he feels. This is a conversation that may have to wait until he feels better and is less exhausted, but I am so frustrated with him.
Honestly? I started doing it, too, a couple years ago, on the basis that if my husband was going to be a huge whiny baby every time he was sick, then by God I was going to whine and demand to be catered to, too — and it turns out they do it because it’s awesome. It’s great to have a man-cold! You can imperiously demand that people bring you tea and blankets, and THEY ACTUALLY DO IT!
Obviously this depends on the man in question accepting your demands to be babied as having equal merit to his, and I know there are men who would not rise to the occasion as well as mine has. But so far it’s working out pretty great for me.
SAAAAAAAME! I mean, I feel like I get treated a little less excellently than Mr. Pamplemoussi gets treated when sick, but that’s mostly because I’m much better at anticipating needs than him. So it means I have to ask for tea/a hot water bottle.etc, but at least I get to lay in bed and receive those things!
You should totally go demand your bows. He stole your bows! That ain’t right!
I agree. If you don’t get your bows back, you’re gonna regret it every time you wear that dress!
SAVE THE BOWS
Friends! I was so frustrated with my office smelling bad that I decided to make a Tumblr about it: http://thingsmyofficesmellslike.tumblr.com
That being said I am trying to suppress a panic attack over my impending annual review. Some wonderful Toastie Twitters talked me down a few weeks ago but I’m still anxious as hell. I just feel like my manager is getting more and more frustrated with me.
Not today, but my warehouse frequently smells like raw sewage. There’s some sort of portapotty farm nearby.
I once did a job at a place that made like, cottage cheese and stuff, and it was in the middle of dairy cow country. When they cleaned the cheesemaking equipment, the whole facility would smell of vinegar, cooked milk, and cow poop.
OH GOD someone burned their bagel in the microwave here yesterday and I about had a rage meltdown.
HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT
Step one: Get a graduate degree…
oh my god just spat tea EVERYWHERE
MY WORK HERE IS DONE
I had a roommate do that because (this was a million years ago) the timer was a dial and he thought it was in seconds, and so defrosted his bagel for 10 minutes.
No but really, how????
I have No. Fucking. Clue. Superior inattention capabilities?
Because like, even in the dial example above, why would you look at it and go “oh I guess this thing only goes for a maximum of 30 seconds,” instead of “hm maybe it isn’t seconds”???
Waiting for the review is so much worse than the review! (I am not great at talking-down, here comes my best shot.) Remember to breathe, remember how great you are, and let go of what you can’t control. You’re going to get through this juuuuuuuust fiiiiiiiine.
That is always the case and I hope it remains the same for this one! They’re the worst and I hate them and I just never want one ever again.
If it’s out of my control, there is nothing I can do.
<3
Annual reviews are poop. If it makes you feel better, I also feel I am severely disappointing my manager and making the same mistakes over and over.
Toasties, I am waiting to hear back from a job that I had an interview for yesterday. (They said they wanted to decide by the end of the week.) I am nervous and have already planned out my new future life, as always. I also have a second date with an awesome boy next weekend.
Everything’s coming up Milhouse?
Hey, they’re working!
Good luck with the job and the boy!!!
I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to do too much of the premature future-planning. It makes it feel so much worse if the good news doesn’t come through.
But the good news WILL come through!
Area baby popped up ready to meet the day at 2:37 AM, when my alarm was set for 4:00. But! I finished an annoying whack of paperwork that I’ve been allowing to hang over my head for months! Which means that my household taxes are up next, and I don’t want to.
Bookwise, I’ve been on a Tana French binge this week. Any similar suggestions welcome.
FALLEN LONDON THREAD! What is everybody up to?
I am working on breeding monsters for the Bishop, but I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing. I caught 2 monsters (the tomb-lion and the hyena) and went back to the Labyrinth of Tigers to breed them. I succeeded both times, but in succeeding I lost my monsters and my related qualities were reset, so it doesn’t look like I’ve actually achieved anything.
I’m also holding on to the Encounter at the Feast card because I can’t decide which companion(s) to choose. Do you only get one chance to meet the Lady in Lilac and exchange gifts for Masquing – ie, do I have the possibility of getting more Masquing if I receive more gifts, or is this it?
I’m finally on a path to being a PoSI, now I just need to become a master thief to get to the next step.
I picked the Spy because I didn’t realize that is when you got your companion, then I pulled that card again and got another one. So it does come up multiple times.
I play this! I’m O. C. Watkins (OCWut). I kinda got out of playing for a month, but Eli_Cordingly – ginkgotree here in the comments – got me back into things (thanks!). Currently, I’m trying to get my Watchful to 110 to progress on my Ambition, but I am trying to enjoy the story rather than just focusing on raising my stats.
Also, I got Sunless Sea! I’ve been enjoying it, once I got used to captains dying and the rampant cannibalism. ๐
Someone on the forums said they’ve drawn her twice already, though the RNG hates me so I haven’t seen her once yet. And if you spend Masquing to under 20 you can build more through the Feast card, I know that for certain.
The Feast will end in very early March, per the forums.
(Delicious Toasties: I have enough Feast gifts for the next few years, please direct your resources elsewhere; but I remain happy to reduce menaces and send First City coins (but not investigate photographers): an_ocelot .)
What is the deal with the affluent photographer? Do you ever actually learn anything about her? I never got anywhere in all my time investigating.
It ties into the Revolutionaries somehow, but I don’t remember the details as it was a while ago and also I personally think the Revolutionaries are full of it. =>
The revolutionaries are absolutely full of it, you are correct. Down with the liberation of night!
I’m also working on breeding monsters and haven’t had much luck. Oh well, maybe one of these times…
FINALLY figured out how to progress in the War of Illusion but now am stymied – how can I possibly choose between bats and cats? Am also working on putting out the very first edition of the Harridan Neath-Times which, contrary to its name, is aimed squarely at the lowest, most scandal-ridden demographic.
Then once the Feast is over, I can finally take to the zee! Very excite.
I think you eventually get a chance to be a double agent and work with BOTH bats AND cats!
I got a Ghostly Presence! I like him, although I wish he had been any kind of ghost other than a dreary poet. I find the game a little oversaturated on Poets and Artists and the like, although maybe I’m just extra-sensitized to them at the moment because I spent most of this week grinding my Persuasive up to 100 and getting fed up with it.
The good news is, I did it! Now on to Shadowy, which is also kind of tedious (and I have SO FAR TO GO) but at least I like the stuff I’m doing more.
Also this week, I have been thinking more than usual about “roleplaying” decisions within this game, spurred by my affair with the Once-Dashing Smuggler. I really want to see where this goes… but in order to keep pursuing him, I find myself going along with things that I consider out-of-character for Elsajenish, to the extent that she has a defined personality. How do y’all choose, on cards where you have more of a roleplaying-based decision to make? How much do you think of your person as a character, with a coherent personality and principles, versus just doing whatever seems most fun or like you’ll get the most in-game benefit from it?
When I first started, I thought you focussed mostly on one stat or maybe two, to define your cahracter, so I was going to be a mostly shadowy somewhat watchful character. But once I learned you just need to get all your stats up to progress, I kind of let roleplaying go out the window. I do tend to be very hedonistic in choices, and fairly altruistic with this character.
Same! Cynthia Hawthorn is just floating through life doing whatever seems like a good idea at the time. Really into seducing devils, but otherwise pretty aimless.
Dang I worry about this sometimes. My character is here to STEAL SHIT, so I have a hell of a time figuring out how she ended up as a respectable academic researcher who breaks bread with aristocrats. She’s just really good at bullshitting, I figure. I also haven’t done one single “get paid to write poetry!” type storylet, which sucks because I kind of want to see how they work, but I’m a thief not a poet dammit.
I like breeding monsters and am building up a collection — the slavering dream hound is very comforting at night, and the corresponding ocelot helps you get better as a scholar of the correspondence if you rub her belly. I’m trying to trade them in for a magical owl of some kind eventually, but it will be really sad to see those two go…
In response to your question: having the animals is supposed to compensate you for losing the build-up of qualities you expended to get them, I think. That, and the increase in your dangerousness. Or occasionally the reward if you give them to the Bishop — but you don’t always have to give them to the Bishop if you don’t want to, even the Hound of Heaven; he can come in handy to you on other occasions if you keep him.
In other news I am running out of things to be interested in doing otherwise in Fallen London, not sure why. Technically I am trying to build up Notability in order to become a Midnighter, but it is pretty dull goingโฆ Maybe I need to just take to the sea againโฆ
The Lady in Lilac is extremely attractive but she won’t let you pick out a pet just yet; all you do is trade in gifts for the moment. (Or at least it was my experience). Does anyone know what happens with Gifts of Scorn (whoops) that you can’t trade in? Can they be used or dumped somehow?
Companions are on the Encounter at the Feast card, not the Lilac card!
I think the only thing you can do with Gifts of Scorn is sell them at the Bazaar. Or hold onto them for next year.
thanks, on both counts!
Gifts of Scorn are worth way more than I expected — 20 pence! That was cheering.
The feast of the rose is fun, but otherwise I’m kind of bored. I’m going back and forth from grinding for lamplighter beeswax to build my Zubmarine, and grinding for Eyeless Skulls to get into the Cave of the Nadir, and both of them are going to take forever.
I’m feeling that way about my Watchful – going from 90 to 110 is going to take awhile. I’m really into my Ambition too! I would like to continue it sometime soon!
If you want a hint, I can tell you what you need to progress in the Labyrinth of Tigers story!
Lilac shows up many times, so you’re fine there!
I would love a hint! The wiki has not been too forthcoming.
OK so! The two important steps towards getting a Hound of Heaven are (a) breed the correct beast, which it looks like you haven’t done yet, and (b) pull out all the stops. The beast you’re looking for is the one that you haven’t gotten yet and that doesn’t involve spending Nex to get to it.
Once you’ve gotten the Hound of Heaven and given it to the Bishop (or not!), you’re at the end of the non-Nex portion of the storyline. That said, the continuation is one of the best Nex storylines in the game and I highly recommend it!
(Also, delicious new Toasties, make sure you’ve found an Absconding Devil in Ladybones Road (under Working with the Honey-Addled Detective) and then gotten to at least 8 in Entwined in the Intrigues of the Clathermont Family, which is opened up by finding the Devil, in order to meet Lilac, because I don’t think that’s obvious.)
Thanks, I had no idea.
Sorry, I messed up–you need that for a cool extra story, not to meet her at all!
Uh ohโฆ do you need to meet Lilac in order to spend your masquing on companions? Because I never did ANY of those storylets and I just dropped a bunch of Nex so I could upgrade my pet Revolutionary Firebrand and I’m gonna be MOST DISPLEASED if I can’t ๐
WAIT, SORRY:
Lilac will show regardless; but for the cool extra story, you need that storyline.
VERY SORRY.
Oh good, thanks for clarifying! I’m fine with missing the extra storyline, I’m just here to make PETS OUT OF MEN
I got Entwined up to 9 and now I can’t seem to find the Clathermonts anymore. Actually there seem to be a lot of things listed under Story that I haven’t had an opportunity to progress in for quite a while (so long I had actually forgotten about most of them) like A Survivor of the Affair of the Box or Investigating the Secrets of St Dustan’s…
Do these storylines taper off or do they come back into play somewhere down the line?
1) Clathermonts: I had to check the wiki, try Wilmot’s End.
2) Affair of the Box: has an actual ending! If your quality is 60, you’re done, if not, look at Spite;
3) St Dunstan’s: I have that at 7, and I can’t remember if it was a conclusion or not, because it was a long time ago.
Some of them
Delicious Toasties, I messed up: you need that for a cool extra story with small but unique permanent bonus at the end on Lilac’s card, not to meet her at all!
Anyone read any good graphic novels lately? I’ve just finish the first volume of The Age of Bronze by Eric Shanower. It is so good. I also just read George O’Connor’s new book, Ares. His whole series on the Greek gods has been excellent. In non-Greek myth reading I read Steam Wars, which is a wonderful steam-punk Star Wars story and Fatherland by Nina Bunjevac. Any suggestions for what I should read next?
if you read digital comics – not quite a graphic novel, but becky cloonan has three beautiful short comics on comixology for like a dollar each (69p here) – demeter, wolves, the mire, and i love them a lot.
i haven’t heard of the ones you mention – i’ll have to look them up.
Thanks! I got Wolves to try out.
I don’t know if this counts as a graphic novel, but I recently bought Henry and Glenn Forever and Ever which is about Glenn Danzig and Henry Rollins being in love and living together. It is very charming. Danzig is my problematic fave (in real life, not in H&G F&E).
A quick read, but I took out “Peanut” from the school library, and it was a cute little story which depressed me greatly.
Ms Marvel is fucking adorable.
I just bought that a week ago, and I’m looking forward to reading it. But I am waiting for a Saturday that is warm enough for me to sit outside while I read it.
What a lovely thought! (She types, from under her electric lap blanket in the wind-chill-warning Northeast.)
It is so awesome! I’m waiting for the next collection to come out rather impatiently. In fact, this just reminded me that I should look into preordering it.
I’m reading comics digitally these days, and given that collections aren’t priced cheaper than issues, I gave in and subscribed to it–I also subscribed to the new Catwoman, because my friend (and esteemed novelist, and excellent media critic, and one-time contributor here) Genevieve Valentine is writing it, and I discovered that reading single issues isn’t my favorite way of doing things, so now I just let them pile up and binge when there’s several unread. Once I catch up on Captain Marvel I’ll probably subscribe to that too.
I’m actually kind of terrible at reading comics digitally. I’m fine with most ebooks, but I just can’t get into digital comics. I’m also bad about subscribing, I usually wait until collections come out. However, I make an exception for Lumberjanes, which is adorable and awesome and I should be getting the next issue in the mail any day now!
That one I’m actually waiting for paper on, because I suspect SteelyKid (age 6, previously massively enjoyed the Zita the Spacegirl series, currently tearing her way through the Dragonbreath hybrid books) will really like it!
A friend just sent me the fourth collection of Saga. But probably everybody has already been recommended that series…
I have been eyeing Saga for awhile but have not actually gotten around to getting the first one. I might just have to get it now.
Do it! But: maybe not at work. Or in public, unless you’re totes comfy with reading on the bus and suddenly ORGY.
Or: GIANT BALLS
(definitely happened to me on the bus.)
SO MUCH BALLS
Wait’ll you see the opening pages of Volume Four. EXPLICIT VAGINAL BIRTH SCENE OF A ROBOT PRINCE YO.
Adolf: A Tale of the Twentieth Century, by Tezuka. An amazing Japanese graphic novel about actual and counterfactual history.
That looks really interesting. Thanks!
I recently read the graphic novel Calling Dr. Laura by Nicole Georges. Highly recommended! It’s about her search for her birth father, who she thought was dead until a psychic tells her he isn’t and she realizes that fits with some details about her childhood that don’t add up. But also about relationships of all kinds and Portland and backyard chickens.
How about “Here” by Richard McGuire?
That looks amazing. Thanks!
The Wicked and the Divine is somewhat mythological, and delightful and really really pretty. The first five issues are out in a trade paperback.
https://imagecomics.com/comics/series/the-wicked-…
Cool! Thanks!
Good afternoon, babes! I am so excited to be in the open thread that I don’t know how to proceed. Um…have you guys bought any clothes/accessories you liked recently? I bought a sweater from Kate Spade Saturday’s 40% sale and it is very cute & I’m excited.
(first off, thanks for the chris evans: imaginary boyfriend article yesterday! what a dreamboat.)
i have been trying to cut back on the clothes shopping, but i bought a cool architectural/modern/romantic lace/crochet top (ugh it’s hard to describe) from forever 21 and i lopped off the weird sleeves and hemmed them all by myself, which felt very satisfying.
I recently discovered Kensie dresses and bought TWO. They are super comfy worn over leggings and I’m pretty sure my friends are going to get sick of seeing me in them, because now I’m never wearing anything else.
(Hat tip to CleverManka, who made wearing leggings under long things sound so alluring that I finally bought some – it turns out I just need the RIGHT leggings, thank you CleverManka and thank you Hue!)
*happy sigh*
Hey on those Kensie dresses, how full are they in the hip? According to their size chart, I fit a medium on top and a large on the bottom. I don’t want the large falling off my shoulders (ugh I hate that), but if I’ve got 40″-42″ hips, can I get away with the medium?
They’re pretty full in the hip! I opted for the XL in both because I’m stacked and have swimmer back, but the large was only just a scootch too small on top and I wanted to leave room for layering. You’re probably safe with a medium!
Awesome. Thanks! 6pm has a couple I’m eyeing right now…
I don’t want to be *that girl* but I finally bought a bra in what seems to be the correct size two weekends ago and my life is transformed.
For the past two years or so I have only had one bra that actually fits. I hate bra shopping with an indescribable passion so I just dealt with it, but finally the One Bra was just too old and gross so I bit the bullet and went bra shopping.
I found four bras in the clearance section and they all fit like a dream, either in a sexy way or in a “really soft and comfortable” way. And…I spent less than $45 on them. I don’t know what good deed I did to deserve this.
I scored two cashmere sweaters at the thrift store last weekend. This brings my total to (I think) about eighteen cashmere sweaters, none of which cost me more than four bucks each. Fuck yeah, wasteful rich people!
How are there ALWAYS such nice sweaters at the thrift store? I don’t understand but I love it.
I know how mine end up there. We moved from New England to central Texas. Before completing the move, I filled my car trunk with sweaters, his and mine, and took them to a New England thrift store. Texas requires little in the sweater department.
hell yeah! i don’t understand why people buy cashmere sweaters new. hop down to the thrift store (especially in affluent suburbs) and you usually have your fair pick of cuts and colors, for 5% of the original price. spend another couple bucks dry cleaning them and they’re like new, usually.
Cashmere takes really well to careful washing in most cases! The washing makes it softer and dry cleaning chemicals can be bad for wool if done too often. I have a 2-ply cashmere sweater that I thrifted (it has a ton of little holes, so I only wear it indoors but it is the warmest, softest thing I own), and I wash it in cold in a mesh bag and then stretch it out and dry it flat. I’ve had it for ~5 years and it’s just getting softer.
But yeah, I always find a ton of cashmere sweaters of varying quality for like $5 when I go thrifting. So many that I probably don’t buy enough because I figure they’ll always be around.
I bought SHINY SILVER CHROME SHOES. They are like mirrors on my feet and I feel like space-age Dorothy when I wear them.
Followed a link from a Toast commenter to an Etsy shop and bought a big shiny pendant necklace. It’s made of repurposed parts from 3 musical instruments, 2 of which I played in a former life. I looove my big shiny jewelry!
Ooh, do you have the link? I’d love to check that out.
I bought this: https://www.etsy.com/transaction/242678162
The shop is UpBeatAccents. You are welcome to post a picture. I’m too lazy to look up how.
I found a pair of galaxy-print leggings in a thrift store recently. They shade from violent sunset-pink to deep blue. They would be kind of tacky-pretty, but they also have….wait for it…
Cat faces. On the knees. Just two floating cat faces, one on each knee.
They’re horrible and wonderful and they were $4 so I bought them but WHERE WOULD I EVER WEAR THEM.
I also got a lovely faux-wrap grey sweater from Macy’s that has a cool lace-up detail on the side. Really I have enough grey sweaters (my wardrobe gets very monochrome in winter) but this one is my favorite.
Oh, and, how could I forget…these tights: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/clothing/teal-peacoc…
Where won’t you wear them? They sound amazing.
UPDATE: I wore them to dinner tonight. I have no regrets. I love them. I cannot wear them to work because I want to be taken seriously but I will wear them any time I am with friends who share my sense of humor.
Yes! See my Twitter for pics – two new dresses from eshakti that came in last week and with which I am quite pleased. Sadly I have to wait for it to not be “OMFGcold” out before I can wear them.
Also I had a major work road trip at the end of January so I bought two new suit jackets/blazers from Lane Bryant for like 70% off and this was a very good life choice.
eShakti is life, eShakti is love. I only wish their dresses didn’t wrinkle so easily. But oh lord, the pockets.
My best friend and I happened to buy the same eshakti dress so now we have twin days where we both wear our dresses (as well as accessories and jewelry we’ve given each other). Except no one knows it’s happening except us because she lives in Nashville and I live in Philadelphia.
Oh good I spent so much money at Marshall’s this past weekend but I LOVE everything I got so, eh? The biggest unnecessary purchase was this lightweight anorak type jacket that’s very Nantucket boating type with the drawstring elastic waist and everything but it completely fills a hole in my coat closet so HATERS GONNA HATE (more like “my budget gonna hate”).
I may have gone sadness shopping recently and bought a bunch of stuff including: cool geometric earrings, a gold tooth necklace, another black dress (my total is now up to 6. But this one is so cute!!), and pants with moths on them. Oops. Oh also things with gift cards but that doesn’t count because they were free for me.
On Tuesday I bought this necklace from Etsy, which combines two of my obsessions: turquoise and superlite concrete blocks. https://www.etsy.com/listing/161669077/turquoise-…
Then yesterday I went to Target to buy batteries and discovered Orla Kiely’s travel collab. I love Orla Kiely and my rollie broke on my last trip, so I am sorely tempted, but I am going to look at reviews before I bite, since the last suitcase I bought only lasted 1.5 years.
I also bought the Orla Kiely yoga bag from Target, since I am still searching for the platonic ideal of a work tote bag, and this checks many of my boxes (has lots of pockets, can fit laptop in it, slips easily onto shoulder, zips on top, etc.)
I bought a J. Crew linen sweater off Ebay … it’s navy embroidered with little green whales. Since it’s technically new to me, I wore it for Chinese New Year!
Toasties I bought a wedding dress and it is naturally the two things I said I absolutely didn’t want – it is backless with swiss dot. BACKLESS ON MY WEDDING DAY, I HAVE NEVER BEEN BACKLESS IN MY LIFE. I am on pins and needles waiting for it to come in so I can prance around the apartment in it (Mr Polka Dots To Be has seen photos already, we are not fussy about this stuff).
Tangentially related: one of my best relationships is my pen pal, a former coworker/current friend of my mother’s. I’m not sure how it got started, but my sister and I both write to him and he sends back his thoughts on the latest opera he’s seen, obscure 400 page Scottish crime noir read, etc etc. He keeps starting his letters with something like “Just think, in a few months you’ll be Ms. [my last name]!” or “Is [fiance] ready to become Mr. [his last name]??” and it has been giving me such joy during what one of my other pen pal friends calls “this bogus journey” (because it really is).
For those of you on twitter, my $600 chair problem was solved by finding a local family owned place that will rent me chairs for $300.
Tell me about the best time you bought something or did something that was SO NOT YOU but yet SO ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Does not have to be a wedding dress.
Wedding dress, no question. Ugh. What. What the even. There is no even.
What’s it likeee tell meeee!
It is this!
It is FAR more wedding-y and FAR more Anthropologie-associated than anything I would have ever ever ever thought I’d buy.
What’s yours?? SPILL IT. ๐
This! You cannot see, thankfully, the horrible trim around the waistline, which will be covered by some type of beaded belt thingy, TBD. It was one of those dresses you look at and wonder “Does anyone actually look good in a backless halter????” and then your sister makes you try it on and then the next thing you know you’re at the register.
THAT IS SO PRETTY AUGH.
That is gorgeous!
Good deal! I love that one. I also ended up with something FAR more weddingy than I ever thought I wanted. I was all prepared to be cool and anti wedding and then it was like NOPE give me the mothafuckin train.
I love that lace!! And the eensy train in the back! Gorgeous.
Thank you!! I am probably going to style it more-than-slightly Lady Mary. ๐
YESSSSSSSS I hope you share the final look because that sounds AWESOME (if you’re on twitter, I’m @ediehan there)
I have just requested to follow you!!
I bought some $150 sandals bc someone told me they were super comfortable. When I think about it now, I am so shocked!!! But I’ve had them for three years (including 1.5 years in LA where I wore them everyday) and they’re a little frayed & I’ll have to superglue some parts of them but. But! They are some of the comfiest shoes I’ve ever owned. I also bought some heels from them too, which are just as comfy but a little hard to walk in bc heels are treacherous.
I’m thinking of buying the boots but they are $180 and ahhhh that’s so much.
I did that with boots! I can’t remember the exact amount but I had to take several deep breaths before I bought them….and two years later they’re making an appearance as well-worn and well-loved in Figgy’s blog. GO FOR IT!
I still remember the day I bought an uncharacteristically expensive pair of sandals I’d been eyeballing (EIGHTY DOLLARS! But this was in the early ’90s, so adjust amounts accordingly). My own sandals had a catastrophic failure just as I stepped out the door of my work to walk a mile+ home; the shoe store was just across the street, and I just marched over and bought them immediately, thinking sourly that it was stupid to pay so much for the privilege of wearing new shoes on the long walk home and getting terrible blisters.
They were miraculous. Not a single blister, not a single pain. I spent the next day, my day off, walking around Boston for hoooooours with friends, and when they finally asked to sit and rest their feet, one of them (knowing me so well) said “If my feet hurt, yours must be killing you.” I thought for a moment and, surprising us all, said, “No. My feet feelโฆ fine.”
These shoes were my introduction to the idea that hey, maybe shoes don’t always have to hurt. I’d spent my childhood squeezing into hand-me-downs and wearing the cheapest shoes possible, so by the time I was choosing my own shoes, I was resigned to the fact that my feet would always hurt, so I might as well wear whichever shoes I wanted, however outrageous the heel or cheap the construction.
A decent pair of shoes changed my life, or at least my shoe-buying habits. I still look for bargains, and occasionally I buy a regrettable pair of painful shoes, but I have zero patience with them now. Now I expect shoes to be comfortable, and if they aren’t, I know it’s the shoes, not my feet, that are at fault.
That is awesome!
I have yet to find a pair of comfortable sandals that don’t look like something worn while playing shuffleboard. I have the jealous.
This is such a great story!
Clothing. Mr. Rose sends me into the dressing room with something I am certain will never be flattering, will never fit well, certain I will hate it. He says, I only ask that you put it on once and show it to me. So I do. And goddamn he’s always right. It always looks wonderful and I would never know if not for his ability to see its potential while still on the hanger. I don’t dress very well, but I dress so much better since meeting him.
Is this where I admit I’ve had the same thing happen?? Including with my wedding dress?? Mr. Polka wasn’t there when I finally tried it on and bought it, but he came in when I was about to buy a different one and pointed it out. I don’t know what it is either, because I dress reasonably well on my own, but he just KNOWS somehow. Maybe because he doesn’t have the insecurities that might be floating around our heads telling us it wouldn’t look good? So they’re confident in their picks? I dk!
Mr. Rose chose my wedding dress, as well. The shop women were horrified that he was even present, much less ordering them around and obviously taking charge.
Oh whew so glad I’m not the only one!
I made my fiance come with me to try on wedding dresses because HE was the one who wanted me to get married in a white dress. I was like, you know what’s nice? Skinny jeans! Skinny jeans are nice! But no. I did end up loving the dress I got, though. Which is good because holy shit, EXPENSIVE.
Hahaha EXCELLENT job. My fiance has also been doing the things most important to him (photographer, hotel room blocks) and it is a JOY and a DELIGHT to not have to deal with that ish.
Uuuuggh yes! My dude says things like “nah, I don’t think you have the right foot shape for those shoes” when we’re shopping and he’s always right and I don’t understand how.
MRCHOUFFE DOES THIS. It’s fucking sorcery.
That explains it!
The first time he did it, we’d been dating about six weeks and he held up this tiny red cocktail dress at Express and told me to go try it on. A) I don’t wear red, ever. B) I don’t wear cocktail dresses, especially not SOOPER SHORT ones. C) Express?! I am a Target girl, tyvm.
Fucking thing was stunning.
Something like six months ago, I bought this Sally Hansen nail polish called Raisin The Bar, which is this iridescent sickly burgundy pink with undertones of violet. I finally tried it recently. It’s possibly one of the worst shades ever for me. Even M. Siniichulok, who never notices appearance-related things and supports whatever thing I do to or on myself, said that it looks wrong. And it does, but in such a right way! It glided on with almost sinister ease. I didn’t even have to correct the job my right hand did on my left hand like I usually do (I’m left-handed). I’ll go back to my winter-complexion-friendly nail polish eventually, but for now I love the heck out of this one.
Ooooo tbh I might have to find this shade, it sounds amazing.
MINE IS BACKLESS TOO YOU’RE GONNA BE OK but that said it’s kind of freaking me out too. We’re gonna be ok. Did you find it with your sister??? Where??
WHEW! I did! At David’s – I have a link to it to above! Now time to find a backless bra in my size…..oy vey. How was your fitting??
I love it!! And that is not all that backless, so you needn’t feel naked. Mine is way worse, my mother was scandalized. For the fitting, I went in after eating pancakes so hopefully that will build me in some room to breathe, ha. As far as the bra goes, you may not need one? Most of the time they sew in those hideous beige cups during alterations. But since yours isn’t super structured in the bodice, maybe you would need one. I recommend Braza brand, they have a lot of solutions (check amazon).
Yeah they would have to sew in cups, and the alterations lady WHILE LOOKING AT MY CHEST said “Oh yes we go up to a C!” Lady, no. These are clearly not C cups. Thanks for the Braza tip!
Lol a friend of mine was worried about dress shopping post-lunch at a brewery and I was like “Well you want room to hold beer during your reception, right??”
I was always into skinny guys with dark hair and then I met the Burgomaster who is bald and built like a Chris-Evans-esque Dorito. Best thing I ever did that was SO NOT ME but yet SO ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
Yesss best story! <3<3
Aw, thanks!
I know there are more, but weirdly, lipstick. MAC in Diva, which is a matte, super-pigmented reddish-burgundy. I am a super-pale redhead with pink pink skin, so I usually avoid any cool-toned lip color like the plague, as it tends to highlight my visibly blue veins and make me look zombie-like or just really, really tired. But I was at the MAC store with a friend and feeling adventurous and asked the woman helping us to suggest something, and to move away from what I told her I usually wear, and it was glorious. I mean, I have to be specific about the rest of my makeup (warm, warm, warm around the eyes, gold and copper and brown, mostly, and concealer) and wear warm colors with it, but the first time I wore it I paired it with a cream blouse and a tangerine orange skirt and it looked fucking amazing.
Uhhhh you were clearly sent here by a higher power because I am a super-pale redhead with pink skin and wear brown/gold eye makeup and TOTALLY need lipstick ideas! That one sounds like a good place to start!
It is definitely a Look. You need to commit to either looking like a vampire (which is cool, I mean, why not?) or really making sure that you do the rest of your makeup right – I usually don’t do much with the cheeks because it’s not like anyone will be looking anything besides my lips, anyway (maybe my eyes – mine are green, the purpley tones do play them up), and sticking with a warm palette for your clothes. It’s really a very autumnal/winter look for me and I don’t break it out much but it looks AWESOME. I usually stick to corals and oranges and peaches with the occasional pink or orangey-red for lips, and if you want a dark dramatic lip that you don’t necessarily have to own quite as hard, I bought the same finish in Chili the same day, a nice warm dark red. If you look like me you can also, and this is actually lots of fun, wear straight-up orange lip color.
Hey, Toasties. Feeling super hermitty lately and haven’t been commenting. I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff, physical and mental right now and haven’t felt particularly interactive. I got a gorgeous pair of earrings from Figwiggin’s Etsy shop, and I highly recommend her work! I took a photo, but couldn’t muster the energy to post the pic. UGH.
Last week I posted on my LJ (yeah, I’m still on LJ) a thing about disordered eating that I thought maybe some folks here might appreciate. I had a moment that I thought I might submit it for consideration here, but then found out about the submission policy and also I am just too fucking lazy to put together an actual polished piece of writing.
Hope you all are doing better energy-wise than I am. Kisses to you all.
*hugs*
Hi ocwut. Been thinking of you. Hope you’re well. No doubt you are still an amazing person.
That is one of my favorite cartoons ever! It is up there with Duck Dodgers in the Twenty-fourth and a Half Century and Duck Amuck. So cute!
Aw! So happy I picked a perfect response gif for you!
It’s Feed the Kitty! So great!
(Also, What’s Opera, Doc? goes on my favorite cartoons list, but that is a given.)
YES
YOU ARE MAGIC
We miss you, of course, but it’s OK if you don’t feel interactive just now. Do what you must to take care of our CleverManka. I will lobby for being kind to yourself, but you know what’s best for you. Toastfriends will still be here when you feel more social. ::hugs::
hiiiii
<3
hi
AHAHAHAHA THIS IS PERFECT
<3 hope you feel better soon.
Sorry to hear you’ve been down, and hope you feel better soon. You are always so kind and helpful to people. It is appreciated. (<3333, from someone you helped a few weeks ago.)
toasties, i’m planning a vacation to new orleans! give me your recommendationsโplaces to stay? eat? drink? bookstores? museums? places to hear music? ANYTHING! i’m budget-minded but tell me all!
Do you already have your dates picked or is it still up in the air? If you aren’t decided yet, I’d suggest trying to go during the Jazz Fest at the end of April/beginning of May. So much music (not just jazz) and the food in New Orleans is so good that even the food stands have better fried chicken and bread pudding than you could get in the north.
we don’t have dates yet but we were thinking the end of march or the end of april…so if jazzfest is happening at the end of april, that might sway our decision! thanks for the heads up!
it is in april! we’re going to the 2nd weekend and i’m very excited.
http://www.nola.com/jazzfest/index.ssf/2015/01/ne…
Here’s this year’s line up, featuring hundreds of local performers and also Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga, who are apparently a duo now.
If you’re sensitive to cigarette smoke, definitely try end of April. Currently a LOT of the bars still have smoking, and the smoking ban doesn’t go into effect until April 22.
Also, Three Muses had the best mac and cheese I’ve ever had in a restaurant (but tiny) and Bacchanal is like eating bread and cheese and wine in the Secret Garden, if the Secret Garden had twinkly lights and a jazz band. I think we had to take a bus to get there, but it was so lovely. You have to wait a while to get a free table so don’t come hungry, but once you do you go inside, pick out your wine and cheese, and then sit in the garden where you’ll never want to leave.
ETA: It’s been a few years since I was there last, so hopefully both places are still open.
mmm this all sounds amazing!
Elizabeth’s in Bywater for food! Oh god, it’s so good. I didn’t go, but the WWII Museum is supposed to be great. I enjoyed the zoo, and it’s only $17! dba on Frenchmen for drinks and music. (There’s music pretty much all along Frenchmen).
thanks for the recommendations! i haven’t been to the zoo in years! might as well go while on vacation…
They have TWO albino alligators, plus a WHOLE TANK of baby gators!
ahhhh
adorable but terrifying!
There are a couple of museums in the French Quarter that you should not sleep on! The Historic New Orleans Collection was really fascinating, and I liked the National Parks exhibition there too, and it’s free. The Katrina museum is worth your money.
There was a weird little bookshop that I seem to recall had a huge used cookbook collection. Don’t remember exactly where but it’s in the FQ.
Spitfire has really really good coffee. Galatoire’s is okayish as far as food goes (although the bar next door has fantastic food) but the atmosphere, service and experience are A+++.
Beignets and sweet potato biscuits are mwah “kisses fingers as the French do*. I got bored of pralines quickly.
Enjoy!!!
thanks for these recommendations! oh god sweet potato biscuits. i can’t wait!!
The botanical gardens are also really beautiful and I think only $5 to get in. the pagoda cafe is a great place to have lazy breakfast and read the paper. also the mardi gras indian museum in the Treme is awesome. the guy who gives tours has led second line parades for years and years and years and knows everything about the costumes.
i love botanical gardens! thanks for the recommendations!
Eat: someone upthread mentioned Maple Leaf for the music, but now that it’s crawfish season they also have an all-you-can-eat crawfish boil on Sunday nights that’s really good. Best poboys in town are Crabby Jack’s fried green tomato and shrimp remoulade poboy and Parasol’s roast beef poboy. Other people also mentioned Coquette and Elizabeth’s which are both excellent. If you go to Elizabeth’s make sure to get the praline bacon.
Drink: Cocktails are good at Bar Tonique (French Quarter) and 12 Mile Limit (Mid City). If you’re in the Garden District area, Avenue Pub has one of the best beer selections in the city and good bar food.
Museums: Ogden museum is my favorite, and very close to the WW2 museum if you’re going there. The WW2 museum also has a John Besch restaurant that according to my mother has the best tomato soup she’s ever had. If you’re in the Quarter/Treme area, there’s also the New Orleans African American Museum of Art.
Music: Spotted Cat on Frenchman.
Books: Faulkner House, Maple Street Books, Tubby & Coo’s, New Orleans Public Library on St. Charles (beautiful and they also have book sales twice weekly)
Other: Indywood is a really cute tiny movie theater in the Marigny
And more!
ooh, thanks for all these recommendations! i love me a crawfish boil.
We went on a bike tour with this company: http://www.crescentcitybiketours.com/ and it was just delightful! We went on the morning ride but the afternoon one also sounds good. Really interesting facts, beautiful scenery, you don’t get rushed from place to place and the tour guide we had was super nice. Plus we were the only ones on our tour. It wasn’t exactly cheap but it was definitely worth it to see so many different things around the city that we wouldn’t otherwise have got to.
Also would recommend a walking tour around the Garden District. We just used the self-guided one in our guidebook, but I believe there are professional tour companies as well. I do not have words to describe how gorgeous and opulent the houses are, and you can stop by the Lafayette Cemetery while you’re in the area. Have fun! I
thanks for the recommendations! this looks like all good stuff!
Good morning, would you like some feels? I just found an excellent collection of short French films (by students, I believe) against homophobia. They’re meant for the high school population but they shattered my 20-something heart anyway. En Colo (At Camp) is my favorite. I think the message gets across even if you can’t speak French or read the Italian subtitles.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qo0ncUn_-0&l…
I talked about it in a link roundup, but the Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu (translated by Ken Liu) was really really worth reading. The most popular Chinese SF novel ever (from what I can tell, almost Harry Potter levels of fans and excitement) and Cixin Liu’s first novel translated into English. It does have a bit of the over-focus on *hard* science fiction and not all the characters, but it’s still really good.
A question, anyone have rec’s for webcomics by people of color, particularly slice of life ones like Questionable Content or Girls With Slingshots? Would love to get into one or two.
Oooh, I’m glad to hear it! I bought that book for my mother-in-law for Christmas, and I’m waiting for her to read it so I can borrow it back from her.
I’m fond of Spike’s Templar, Arizona, which is a kind of very weird alternate history comic. It’s slice-of-life ish, though maybe not as much so as QC? It’s updated very sporadically at present, but the archive is good.
Thank you! I follow Spike on twitter! I thought she did print comics (which she probably also does) and planned on getting to them at some point! Now I can get into this, which is exactly the kind of thing I’m looking for.
I have this book on order from the bookstore near me right now! It has not arrived yet, but it’s good to hear that it’s worth it. Waiting is so hard sometimes though.
There’s Maki Noro! http://www.sufficientlyremarkable.com/
Have you seen the YouTube show Adult Wednesday Addams? It’s to die for. Probably I should have linked this in the Link Roundup, but that was then, and this is now.
Also, by the same creator, this fake (and yet very real) commercial for 1-800-Adopt-A-Dude. “Will you be an angel for a fully grown, yet utterly helpless man? For just a small donation, you can rescue a dude from himself.”
I love Adult Wednesday Addams. My favorite is the street harassment one, it’s just perfectly Wednesday. You can tell the writer truly understands Wednesday and how she would think as an adult–there’s so much love for that character it warms my heart.
New Season ๐ YEEEY. Thanks for reminding me this great series exists.
Soon I will be off to Maine for delicious ramen and beer and grits and donuts. But before then, a little self promotion:
I know we have some Jupiter Ascending fans around here who might enjoy this tumblr I made dedicated to fashions suitable for the Abrasax family.
Now, your turn! Link me your blogs, your tumblrs, your etsys and your other newfangled online dealies!
I never need another opportunity to pimp my own blog. I get the most enormous kick out of it .https://yahistoricalvault.wordpress.com I am exceedingly proud of myself.
I love your Dear America posts! Those were a favorite of preteen me, and it’s fun to read well-written recaps. I’m giggling at the “2015 hipster baby name” references in the Oregon Trail one.
I have not seen that movie yet but I love your tumblr.
this tumblr I made dedicated to fashions suitable for the Abrasax family
+FOLLOW
My Etsy Shop
My Tumblr
My LJ
This is GLORIOUS. Enjoy Maine!!!
HEY MILWAUKEE/MADISON AREA TOASTIES!
Winter has been shitty and so I think we should hold the first ever Wisconsin Toastie Meet-up! I was thinking sometime between February 24 and the beginning of March. Let me know your thoughts — when/where to meet, weekday or weekend, etc.
I have created a private Wisconsin Toastie Facebook group and you can either join there and share your thoughts or we can just keep the thread here. Whatever works.
On Wisconsin!
Yay!
I would like for it to be spring- even a little teeny bit- so I can have watercress sandwiches. They’ve become my traditional First Days of Spring food over the past few years. Big old mounds of watercress on thin toasty bread, with lots of butter schmeared on. I also can’t wait to figure out what I’m going to plant on my balcony this year! Maybe tomaters again, and some peppers? We’ll have to see.
What are your spring traditions, Toasties?
I love the first days where you can open all the windows and wander in and out of the house, half gardening and half just basking in the watery but perfect early spring sun.
I drive down the road with the windows open and blast Nightmare Of You’s self-titled album. I feel like somewhere along the line I decided That Was The Spring Album and when I can do that, I know it’s ready.
You guys. Last week I posted here about how I’ve been dealing with seasonal depression and it’s causing me problems at work. So the other day I get called into the boss’s office (oh shit) where I see a couple of other managers sitting expectantly. They tell me to close the door (OH shit) and my boss says “it seems like you’re not happy here.” (OOOHHH SHIT).
“So we have an opening for another position that I think would be a better fit for you. You can start immediately if you want.”
What?!? Deus ex machina, motherfuckers! I essentially got a promotion for being depressed. I mean it’s the same amount of money but much more interesting work that’s more in line with my overall career goals. I still can’t believe it happened.
I’m feeling very hopeful and energized with my new stuff. I mean, I’m still a little down, but I’m seeing my doctor about it on monday. And work is going to get a lot busier soon, so probably no more open threads. I’ll miss you all, but just know that sometimes the fates can smile on you.
Congrats!!! I’m so glad it turned out that way ๐
<3<3<3<3 gene kelly my love come to me
Congratulations! I hope your new manager is as thoughtful as your previous manager seems to be.
THAT IS SO AWESOME!! What a great twist. I’m so happy for you!
that is fantastic!
That is so awesome, congratulations! Spring is coming!
You guys I had my babyyyy yesterday at 39 weeks. It was really wild. We got to the birth center at 5:20am, with me convinced that they’d send me home because the contractions were pretty whatever. Then I got there and suddenly everything was intense and I was like WTF I AM PUSHING? And then bam, BABY, just about 1 hour later. She is now napping on my arm.
And because it was a birth center, it was just so chill. Add to the parent paradise post the other day: A woman eating cheese and crackers in an herbal bath 2 hours after giving birth.
Baby! Easy delivery! Cheese and crackers! So many amazing things in one post. Congratulations!
๐ congratulations!!
My mom once told me the exact thing happened to her when she gave birth to me. She said it was like her body knew once she got to the birth center it was a safe place to have the baby and then just zoomed into birth soon after they tried to get her to go home.
Congratulations!
That’s pretty cool! It was really different from my first, where it was more classic mild to strong contractions, a long while pushing, etc. Bodies are strange and weird.
ahh, baby! congratulations!!
Congratulations!
Whaaaaa! That’s an amazing birth story. I will copy it to my email draft of positive birth stories to inspire me for the next 23 weeks. เฒ _เฒ
Congrats on everything!
WOW! Congrats, and hope you got to enjoy some cheese and crackers yourself. : )
congratulations!!
Awesome!! Congrats!!
Babyyyyyy! Congratulations!
Yay baby! Congrats, that is so exciting! I’m so glad everything went smoothly. ๐ I’m trying to keep filling my head with positive birth stories so that I don’t end up having constant panic attacks for the next ~5-9 weeks.
Congratulations!
I love that a day after bringing a new human into the world you are here, sharing that tiny human with your fellow Toast-ers. What a wonderful place this is.
(But also: YOU JUST MADE A PERSON, GET SOME SLEEP)
Congratulations! How wonderful that it was so fast and easy for you! CHEESE AND CRACKERS YEEEEEAH
and also a baby, that’s nice tooooooo
Congratulations!!!! May your first child be a misandrist child ๐
Any toast readers in Philadelphia want to hang out (when it’s less shitty out, though I’m not opposed to drinking indoors for fun)? Is there already a facebook/google group I can join?!
My social circle suddenly feels a little too tiny; I work at a med school and live with medical students, and suddenly a girl my roommate is dating is also a research assistant on my project and the coworker I share an office with and I hang out a lot and take the same train home. IT’S WEIRD.
Hi! I’m in Philly and it would be fun to plan a meetup of some sort.
I’m Jersey shore, but I’d be willing to make the trek! There don’t seem to be many other Jersey toasties around here.
I’m in Philly, and I’d love to meet up.
there’s an old “hairpin philadelphia” group on facebook that I started up lo, so many years ago, and it has kiiinda been a meeting place for us? but maybe we could make another toast philadelphia group?
I’m a member! I tried organizing things twice, and actually had one meetup with exactly one other person who was lovely. But it’s a rather quiet group so I thought I’d ask if another existed.
Maybe I’ll post another doodle poll or something for March.
Mayyyybeeeee a Toast group would be better? We can post to the Hairpin group that we’re starting the new group. And mayyyybeeee someone with more time than I can start the new group, since I feel like my lack of energy may have contributed to the general entropy/apathy of the current group. Thoughts?
I would be happy to do this, though I feel a bit weird because I’ve only been a Toastie for a few months.
If no one else volunteers I’ll make the group and post the link in next week’s open thread!
If anyone wants to follow me on twitter I’m @carolyn_sarah27
I’m in Philly and I can count my whole social circle on one hand! Let’s make this happen.
Yes, absolutely! I’m currently away, but should be back in the city in about a month.
*insert enthusiastic endorsement from an occasional commenter!*
Hello toasties! I moved a couple of weeks ago and it is going so wonderfully so far. On Wednesday night I was hanging out with my roommates (watching Netflix, drinking tea, nothing extraordinary) and it was just one of those little moments that was so nice and made me really how happy I am with where my life was at that exact time.
What little things have you been grateful for or have made you happy this week?
Yesterday I ordered a pizza from a fancy place and was able to tip well (first time in a long time, on both counts.) Very satisfying!
My birthday is next week! Happy slightly early birthday, me!!
I have discovered recently that I have some really lovely true friends who have collectively dragged me out of the worst depressive episode of my life as well as some ugly Personal Stuff; they are great, and I love all of them.
Also, in my ongoing quest to start loving myself, I have: started stretching my ears, bought the Dr. Martens I have always wanted, been diligently doing my therapy homework, eaten at least two meals every day this week (I don’t eat when I’m sad, and I’ve visibly lost weight thanks to the Sadness Diet, so this is a big deal for me), and gone on my first two First Dates ever (both, fortunately, pleasant). Everything is (sort of, starting to, might be) coming up Atalanta, is what I am saying!
Happy slightly early birthday!
I had an amazingly profound yoga experience on Tuesday night. So good and so needed at the moment.
My cat being a sweet little weirdo. Never fails.
I am mostly recovered from the stomach flu-ish thing I had. I have been mostly recovered since the wee hours of Tuesday morning. But I still don’t have my normal appetite or energy levels back, and it’s getting annoying. Is anyone else dealing with mild winter illnesses?
Yes! I had a horrible flu, what, in January? And I am still coughing. It’s not, as I feared for a while, the bronchitis I get some winters; it’s diminishing slowly but surely. But the coughing is loud enough that I had to postpone a podcast appearance because my occasional snort-snorf-snarf-HACKHACKHACK would gum up the recording.
I’ve been sick basically since August, which, coincidentally, is when my daughter started going to daycare. We’ve had cold after cold, and now I’m on my second stomach bug. Yeeeeeeah. I hope you feel normal again soon!
I’ve been teaching English in Russia since October, in a town a couple of hours away from Moscow. I’ve wanted to teach English here for a long time (not because I love teaching English, but because it’s a way to get a visa). But of course, after I got here everything just went terrible with the ruble, so now my salary is worth much less when converted to dollars than when I accepted the job. My contract ends in June. I was thinking that I’d sign on for a second year as long as they agreed to raise my salary to a level that I’d consider acceptable for another year, since right now I’m making poverty-level wages when the rubles are converted to dollars. But I think if I did agree to stay, even for more money, I’d just be settling for a situation that is okay but not great. Since I’m not in a big city there are very few people who speak English fluently aside from the other teachers (one American and four Russian) and my Russian is very beginner level, too low for any kind of conversation. Because of that it’s pretty impossible for me to meet anyone outside of the school. I like my coworkers but they are definitely more “work friends” than “friend friends”. So right now my social life pretty much consists of talking to the other teachers while we’re at school and occasionally going out with them. Most weekends though are spent at home, being bored. So now I think that I should try to find a new job, regardless of whether or not they offer me a raise because even though I’m not unhappy right now, I’m not particularly happy either.
The problem there is that I don’t know where else to go. Staying in Russia will mean I’ve got the same ruble problem. Even if I could find a higher salary, it’s still a really volatile currency right now. I’d be interested in other Central or East European countries, but I’m American and need a visa and that makes jobs harder to find. So basically I have no idea yet where I will be four months from now or if I’ll have a job and a place to live. It is both exciting and very stressful to think about.
Why not look at international schools and at centers teaching English in a place you want to be? Probably everybody applies to Berlitz etc. in Moscow and St. Petersburg, but why not applying to a place on the Black Sea, or some other less obvious city that interests you?
I’m in a less obvious city now but unfortunately had underestimated how hard it would be to meet people in a town with such a lack of English speakers. If my Russian was better I could maybe meet people with a bit of English and use my bit of Russian and their bit of English, but sadly it’s still not that good!
I’ve met many Americans who’ve had success finding ESL work in Prague and Budapest. You might have to look around but it’s definitely not impossible. I bet if you looked at smaller cities too there would be less competition for teachers. Good luck, sounds like you’re doing cool stuff!
I have a good friend (who is American) who did ESL work in Poland for a few years.
Thanks! I’m hoping I can find something like that. I do worry that it might be easier to find jobs in those places if you’re actually there and can go to the schools to inquire as opposed to doing everything online like I’ll have to. The problem with a smaller city, which I’m finding now, is that it can be difficult to find the few English speakers in a small town and if you don’t speak the language of the country, it can be really hard to meet people outside of the other teachers. But I’ve got two months until I need to decide what I’m doing about my contract in Russia, so hopefully I can figure something out before then!
I know this is probably an annoying comment for someone who’s in a region with lots of languages and dialects, but immersion really is the best way to learn! You didn’t leave the US just to hang out with Americans. But I know how isolating it can feel to live abroad, at the same time. Good luck with your plans!
I know! And it’s helped with things like food words and trying to figure things out in stores and whatnot. It’s just really hard when it comes to social situations, and what I’d like is friends I could hang out and talk with. I’m not looking to hang out with just Americans, but when I don’t speak enough Russian for a conversation and the other person doesn’t speak enough English for a conversation and there’s no pressing need for us to talk, no talking occurs. I think if I tried to talk to people in a bar or wherever in English and they didn’t speak English, they’d probably tell me they didn’t understand me and leave the conversation at that. So far the only people outside of the school who have really tried to talk despite language differences are (of course) the creepy older male friends of a coworker’s husband. Fortunately I’m not desperate enough to pursue those conversational leads.
Yes! Ugh, it’s so rough getting to the level of fluency just a step above talking about the weather and asking what someone’s profession is. I had good luck buying newspapers — not tabloids, they’re usually full of colloquialisms you won’t find in the dictionary, although if you can read these they will ultimately be your best proof of fluency and best hilarity card at parties (“the American knows our celebrity gossip!”), but actual real newspapers — and literally sitting down and translating the stories. You will build up your vocabulary sooo fast plus you will automatically have conversation topics and you can memorize the vocab from the newspapers to just repeat — “Hey, did you hear about the new supermarket they’re building? Do you think this will hurt local businesses or do you think it’ll be good competition?” etc even if that sounds boring.
And yeah, definitely stay away from creepy men!
Sorry, I gave you advice to a question you didn’t ask, but I’ve been there. Sounds like you’re doing great. And I definitely know the relief of talking to fellow native English speakers — “finally, someone who knows what a muffin is!,” etc. ๐
Hi! Are you in Vladimir? It sounds like it. ๐ If you want to stay in Russia and be happier, here are a couple suggestions:
First, I would recommend getting to a bigger provincial city, where there are a lot more English speakers you can make friends with. I spent a year in Vladivostok (big) and a year in Taganrog (small) and the difference in people’s cosmopolitan-ness and English speaking ability was huge. My personal recommendations are Vladivostok, Irkutsk and Kazan, but I’ve also heard good things about Khabarovsk, Yekaterinburg, Yaroslavl, and Krasnodar. If you go to Irkutsk and you like outdoorsy stuff you should volunteer with Great Baikal Trail! They are the best and also good English speakers.
You might also want to look into an American Center or Corner (US-run English language libraries housed within Russian libraries; although I’m not too sure what their status is at the moment given US-Russian relations) – or British Councils, which is similar. They’re usually looking for native speaker volunteers to give talks about their interests or about life in their home country, and it can be a good source of new Russian English-speaking friends. While I was in Russia I also started a blog on Livejournal and met a lot of good internet-friends that way.
Failing that, I highly recommend going to Georgia next. Wonderful country, friendly people, good food, and a more favorable visa regime than Russia.
Smaller than Vladimir!
Thanks for the recommendations! I will keep looking at Russia too, though my worry there is the salary. When I accepted this job, it had the best salary I’d seen in my search for someone with my level of experience. Of course at the time, that salary was worth a lot more in dollars than it is now. So I’m wondering if I’ll be able to find a job in a bigger city with a higher salary than this one. Mine is perfectly fine for living in Russia, but when you convert it to dollars it’s poverty-level for the US. It makes it hard to save for things or to resume paying my student loans.
Yeah, I can’t imagine trying to work in Russia right now and also save money. I imagine it will take a lot of hustle, or a sweet deal tutoring an oligarch’s kids. Good luck!
Hmm… Kazakhstan, maybe? Last year, I’ve worked on some software for a company in Almaty, and it sounds like a pretty cool city. And Astana is still being built, so there’re bound to be jobs there. I’m not very familiar with the Kazakh visa regime, though.
I don’t really know how to compartmentalize this in my life so I thought I would make a throwaway name and share it with the internet in general. Many years back in my life I was in an abusive relationship with a dude for a few years. I fled to a DV center, got my shit together, and have frankly been a better person for going thru it. But things are complicated: said dude is trans (came out to me when we were dating), and is now living female full time. She also works in the same male dominated industry as me. And she’s prominent in the local community as a champion women’s issues with the field, working for various Women In X Job events and speaking about women’s issues in the field, all of which I find hilarious because this is someone who once shot at the wall of my bedroom to try to scare me, and threw hot coffee at me whenever I had a feeling or need.
ANYWAYS. I’m frustrated y’all. I feel like I can’t participate in the very small community of women in my field because there’s no way I can do so without encountering this shitbag. I’m angry because women are turning to this terrible human being who I know as a violent, women-objectifying misogynist for support in their battles with male privilege. And frankly I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it with any degree of professionalism, other than relocate to a city/community in which she does not reside. But I wanted to throw it out there, if any toasties have input on how the hell to come to terms with a clusterfuck like this I’d be much obliged.
Oh, torgo, this is hard. I am sorry you have these troubles. You don’t deserve it.
Therapy is helpful, with a goal. One possible goal: I suggest you aim for that internal serenity that keeps you on the high road and presents any inevitable encounter with this person short and frostily polite. All observers will know from your head-held-high and cool, dismissive demeanor, that this person is not worthy of you.
But my suggestion is not what’s important. What would you like to aim for?
Thanks, RoseCamelia. Yeah I have no plans for being confrontational, but it’s also tough to know how to proceed professionally – this is a person I’ve gone out of my way to avoid for years. After the shelter I lived in a friend’s spare room for 2 years, with no bills or anything in my name, so that I wouldn’t be trackable, and yet the ex still mysteriously showed up at the front door. Maybe the next step is to come to terms with the fact that I’ll need to be around her professionally if I want to participate in community, and just dive in with that; but I also worry that if I take that step she may use their dislike of me and her masterful skills of manipulation to tarnish my professional reputation.
Alternatively, I could plan to relocate once I’m ready for a new gig. My job skills are portable and in demand all over, I could be free of that historical baggage, but I would miss the community I have here. It’s worth considering.
More than anything it is helpful to talk to anyone at all about it. This is all TMI for my work colleagues, and venting it with other women in the broader professional community is out of the question. After so many years it’s a real bummer to realize this is still a big stressor for me. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, it was very helpful to one random internet stranger today, thanks. ๐
I don’t have any advice, I just want to say I’m sorry you’re in this hard, shitty situation.
That sounds so hard. One idea–is there a nearby lgbtq dv organization you could reach out to? It might help to find someone who will be able to listen to what you’re going through that has appropriate context (that abusers can be any gender/sexuality/etc.) and isn’t part of your professional world.
Huh. I left my husband when I found out he’d had a twenty-year mistress AND multiple girlfriends in the marriage, oh, and incidentally, had engineered “accidents” and accidental pregnancies that resulted in multiple hospitalizations. I lived through losing my farmhouse, my marriage, my last baby, relearning how to walk…but I have 3 kids with the S.O.B. I worked my ass off to pass my GRE and got funding, only to be told that if I relocated to the town 4 hours away (where the school was), I’d lose my kids.
He’s since gone through 2 women and been arrested for domestic violence (but got off because she moved out of state). Every other weekend I have 2 weekdays without my kids, and he manages to call/text/show up with some kid emergency. He’s TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL at my church, which means I never go there anymore because a Sunday without him is more necessary. At the kids’ school functions he follows me like a puppy despite being in new “happy family” mode with his newest. I cannot leave. I cannot ever be away from him. I can’t find a full time job, because they are all in other part of the state where the school was. I have 7 more years.
I’m saying this because I know what it is like to be unable to leave. Everyone tells you it will be better when you leave the guy and, sometimes, the only benefit is you’re not actively being attacked. The abuse is still there, the constant presence is still there, the ultimate control of your life…yeah, he still has it. It completely and utterly sucks and nobody who hasn’t lived through it gets how it can be JUST AS BAD as the physical stuff. I had a major money meltdown when I realized that I may yet, 5 years later, still go bankrupt because of him.
If you have to chance to relocate and truly start over, take it, and don’t be afraid of anything. By the time I can leave (unless he’s in jail, which has already almost happened and that is a whole ‘nother mess), I’ll be 52. Leave. Do what you can to spread the truth to somebody who can put a check on him, warn who you can, and get out. (I’ll be sending the church a copy of his court records anonymously)
You deserve a life without your abuser—it’s just sometimes it takes unusually extreme measures to get free. I wish I could actually get away from him, and I can’t, and it’s something I’m stuck with. I’ll send you all the power I’ve got so somebody else CAN cut the abuser out of their life and move on.
Oops, this is the same poster as above, just–I suck at internet and had to create a new account, so I can’t edit.
I hope you can move to a new town, with an awesome job, and I want you to feel free to do so. Reading that again I made that all about me, and it wasn’t, except to say that I’d jump at a chance to move if I could. I don’t want you (who are probably a lot younger than me), to waste any more time with that person in your life, even tangentially, it’s just not fair, and I’m sorry and I empathize a lot.
Hello Toast! It is VERY cold in my neck of the woods and so to keep myself from completely succumbing to Old Man Winter, I have been listening to Harry Potter on audiobook. I am a very late comer to Harry Potter and only read them for the first time in the past couple of years, and I would like to DISCUSS HP with you all because you have such good thoughts about other things.
I’ve seen a lot of people gushing about Snape’s eternal love for Lily and I don’t totally buy it. Also, Sirius seems like the WORLD’S BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN. Also, I know that owls are useful pets, and Hermione’s cat is part kneazel and therefore useful, but are cats/rats/toads actually good for anything? Like, do they do magical stuff? Or are they just sort of Vaguely Spooky Friends, kind of like how everyone in the wizarding world seems to be really keen on pumpkin stuff when I think pumpkins are just sort of generally fall-related and not particularly associated with witches and the paranormal?
The words “I would like to discuss Harry Potter with you” are music to my ears.
What don’t you buy re: Snape’s love–that it’s something worth gushing over, or that Snape in fact had eternal love for Lily?
I’m pretty sure cats/rats/toads are just “Here, have an animal that’s kind of associated with witchiness.” They never do anything useful.
I feel ambivalent about Snape’s love. I have seen similar types of long-term pining in real life, and although I loved it in the books, in real life it tends to be creepy. And I mean, let’s be honest here — James must have had some redeeming qualities for Lily to get together with him and stay with him. Perhaps some of those qualities weren’t “creepily loves me from afar but never does anything about it creepily.”
I will say though that Snape’s patronus gets me right in the tear ducts.
Ethyl said t better than I did. The long-term pining is very Book Romantic but struck me more as “pining away but never doing anything or changing ad a person or apologizing for calling someone I loved a horrible slur.” I read somewhere that it was symbolic that James and Lily’s Patronuses matched each other–the stag and doe are mates and partners–but Snape’s only mirrored Lily’s back to her.
Interesting about the Patronuses. I definitely think it’s clear that a part of Snape kind of froze back in high school (yet another true-to-life feature of the longterm pining!), but I do think it’s kind of romantic (sorrryyyyy) that Lily is still sort of representative of some sort of safety and protection for him.
Oooooo, I hadn’t heard that about the Patronuses before! Very cool.
I think Snape pining for Lily gets hugely over-romanticized, but it hits me in the heart every time. I definitely don’t think his love is anything to aspire to, or anything anyone should wish on themselves. But I am 100% a sucker for Love Is The Most Powerful Thing stories, and I love it that even someone who is such a patently awful/mean/bitter person as Snape would run any risk for the one thing he loved in his life. I don’t think this makes him a nice person, and it may not even make him a good one. But I still think it’s a wonderful story.
Aw, that’s not fair to Crookshanks, with his impressive ability to detect frauds, or to rats and toads, which have magical properties when used in potionsโthey just aren’t particularly talented while alive.
The whole Snape/Lily thing is soooo grosssssss. Classic “nice guy” story.
As tumblr likes to point out, if he hadn’t had this unrequited love for Lily, he would have just been a straight-up Death Eater. He wasn’t actually committed to the fight against Voldemort. He only agreed to protect Harry (and was horrible to him anyway) because he was Lily’s son.
This is where I whole-heartedly agree with tumblr. Even as a child/teen I felt this way about Snape’s unrequited love. Actually, one of my now very good friends and I became so partly by bonding over our very similar opinions on HP and Snape’s love, so I now have a weird fondness for this particular view of the character.
Harry Potter discussion thread? Here. For. It.
Snape/Lily is romantic only possibly in a literary sense. I do find it tragic – it is sad that Snape had these unrequited feelings, that he never got over them, that he was so emotionally damaged. But to claim to love someone and yet spend your life working for something that is diametrically opposed to what they stand for, to actively seek to destroy other people who are like them, etc. Yeah, he protected Harry, but out of selfishness, and it’s not clear that he ever actually came to disagree with Voldemort’s politics, he just was mad because Voldemort killed the girl he wanted (and I imagine he was 100% on board with Voldemort killing James, and probably imagined comforting Lily and having her all to himself, which is super Creepy). I wonder what would have happened if Harry had looked more like his mother and less like his father?
But Snape is essentially a Nazi who is fine with genocide as long as it’s not the neighbor girl he had a crush on.
Sirius is totally a drama queen, but I think he probably had PTSD and possibly some other psychological issues from things like being disowned and having his best friends murdered and being locked in a prison that is basically designed to fuck up your head.
I think the animals are just classic familiars associated with witches. They’re not explicitly magical in the books (which is funny, since the owls are obviously capable of more than we give them credit for in the Muggle world, you would think the other pets could do useful things like fetch stuff or whatever, but it’s never discussed). I associate pumpkins primarily with Halloween, so it makes sense to me, but it amuses me a little because pumpkins are from the Americans and the original Jack-O-Laterns in Britain were made from turnips.
Okay, I have a very specific question about the American HP audiobooks, which is this: Has anyone else noticed the similarities between some of Jim Dale’s HP voices and some of the goofy voices used in the Carry On films, of which Jim Dale was a part in the 1970s. Also, has anyone noticed that sometimes Rita Skeeter sounds like Julian, of ‘Julian and Sandy’ from Round the Horne? I’m aware that the Venn diagram of people who listen to American HP and old British radio shows might be just me, but if not, let’s chat!
(Edited to correct a typo.)
I’m 17 weeks pregnant and I kept feeling these little BLOOPs. I can’t tell if it’s the baby or just my organs resettling! It really is as if someone BOOPED you on the stomach, but from the inside.
Also, I think my midwife thinks I’m nuts because I was complaining about the discomfort I have under my ribs and I asked if it could be organ failure. My husband said she gave him a look like, “Is she always like this?” which yes, yes I am. I don’t like unexplained pain!
Are you short in the torso? Most of the women in my family are and they describe similar pregnancy sensations. Those with longer torso do not understand. Do you think it’s related to amount of spare room available to expanding uterus?
Not particularly, but maybe I just have really big organs taking over my torso!
I have a pretty long torso and I’ve definitely experienced the rib pain, so maybe it’s also related to the way the baby is sitting?
I cannot stop watching that gif, Good lord.
It’s so creepy and weird, right??? Although I feel a little better about feeling completely out of breath constantly after seeing that – there’s just no room for lungs!
Ugh, the rib pain. I had that. It wasn’t constant, if that helps, it came and went?
The BLOOP does sound like fetal movement to me (I compared it to “like a water cooler sounds when it’s refiling”). Best wishes!
Ah, good, someone else who had it! My friends all say, “Nope, no rib pain, just <insert list of unpleasant pregnancy symptoms>” so I was beginning to worry it was something wrong with me!
It DOES feel a bit water cooler-y. Ooooh. That would be so exciting if it was actually baby and not just indigestion.
Well, I mean, I can’t guarantee there isn’t something wrong => , but if that’s your only weirdness, I think it’s probably just your torso rearranging itself!
(My “no-one has ever heard of this” symptom first pregnancy was adrenaline jolts completely out of nowhere, like I’d be sitting down reading something and all of a sudden it was like I was driving and someone had just swerved into my lane. Many tests later, it was determined to be “just one of those things.” Second pregnancy I had something related, so we chalked it up to “okay, Kate’s endocrine system does weird things when she’s pregnant.”)
I had those! I had those! The first time, but not this time. Never could find out much about them.
Further proof that the surest way to find someone else who X is to post on the Internet, “No-one but me X!”
I wore a heart monitor for a day and, ugh, I don’t even know what else, and yeah, my endocrine system just does weird things when I’m pregnant.
Wait, that’s a thing?!?! I haven’t even mentioned it to my OB because I assumed I was just weird and broken, but not dangerously so.
It’s a thing now! We have collectively decreed it to be so.
I thought the baby kicking was gas at first, but then it just kept getting stronger. That’s probably what your bloop is.
I’m really sad about Harris Wittels :(. I found out just before I was going to go to bed last night and stayed up for two extra hours reading Twitter and listening to clips.
Me too. The animal control guys were my favorite minor P&R characters. He also wrote one of my favorite episodes: 94 Meetings. Too damn young.
Also, according to one of the creators he came up with the never not funny “Perd Hapley over-explains things comically” gag.
God damnit.
God, I’m going to miss his amazing Foam and Analyze Phish. Sarah Silverman’s twitter feed from last night pretty much destroyed me. Such a talent. So tragic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUcNQ69F0_0
“I’ve decided not to get married until gay people can get married. Because I’m gay.”
The Foam Corner song makes me dance and smile, every time. I’m feeling so many Feelings, and it’s not comfortable.
I still laugh at that stupid Tapas the Mornin to Ja joke. I’m really sad about this.
I love St. Vincent’s reaction to it. Makes it even better.
I started crying a little last night when I found out, and I couldn’t fully explain to my husband why.
Yesterday, I’d been reading Amy Poehler’s Yes, Please in the bathtub, and I swanned out of the bathroom swaddled luxuriously in towels and determined to sidestep any sadness about Parks & Recs ending by looking up what each writer/creator was doing next.
Then I opened my laptop to do exactly that and went “Hey, why is everyone on Twitter talking about Harris W- OH NO.”
I never did look up the other writers’ projects. I’ll save that for another day.
Yes me too ๐ Definitely had a cry at work reading all the online response to it, and then it was an extra punch in the gut when I learned he went to my college and everything. It’s so, so sad and I will have a hard time seeing the animal control guys from here on out.
February
BY MARGARET ATWOOD (I know you’re lurking around here somewhere. Just wanted to let you know that this poem is helping me deal with this month’s innate evilness).
Winter. Time to eat fat
and watch hockey. In the pewter mornings, the cat,
a black fur sausage with yellow
Houdini eyes, jumps up on the bed and tries
to get onto my head. Itโs his
way of telling whether or not Iโm dead.
If Iโm not, he wants to be scratched; if I am
Heโll think of something. He settles
on my chest, breathing his breath
of burped-up meat and musty sofas,
purring like a washboard. Some other tomcat,
not yet a capon, has been spraying our front door,
declaring war. Itโs all about sex and territory,
which are what will finish us off
in the long run. Some cat owners around here
should snip a few testicles. If we wise
hominids were sensible, weโd do that too,
or eat our young, like sharks.
But itโs love that does us in. Over and over
again, He shoots, he scores! and famine
crouches in the bedsheets, ambushing the pulsing
eiderdown, and the windchill factor hits
thirty below, and pollution pours
out of our chimneys to keep us warm.
February, month of despair,
with a skewered heart in the centre.
I think dire thoughts, and lust for French fries
with a splash of vinegar.
Cat, enough of your greedy whining
and your small pink bumhole.
Off my face! Youโre the life principle,
more or less, so get going
on a little optimism around here.
Get rid of death. Celebrate increase. Make it be spring.
Margaret Atwood, you know what would happen if you were dead: the cat would eat yer face.
I say that but I love this poem so much.
Ahhhhh. This is exactly what I needed today, thank you!
Yep, that’s about right for Canadian winters.
Stunningly accurate. All I want is french fries and vinegar.
“Cat, enough of your greedy whining
and your small pink bumhole”
this is basically my entire life
This poem so perfectly captures my feelings right now that I can almost, ALMOST forgive Canada for fobbing this disaster of a weather front on us. We made it through January, that’s usually enough! We have no more reserves; it is the emotional Starving Time.
These are exactly the set of feelings I am having. When will it not be cold. I literally have dreams about warm sunshine and good weather.
Guess whose office is having DIM SUM FOR LUNCH.
In related news, I have a massive tummyache.
I have an etiquette question for you Toasties today:
What do you do about a dog in your building that barks incessantly? I am more worried for the dog’s health and safety, but the owner has interpreted my offers to help walk her dog, and reminders that a constantly-barking dog is probably not a great thing, as a noise complaint, and has started being defiant about it.
At what point do you call the SPCA and break down the door, Toasties?
Dogs bark for lots of reasons, most of them largely unrelated to their health and well being. So it’s probably more of a noise complaint issue than anything. The neighbor probably feels helpless about it because it’s so hard to control when the dog is alone… hence the defiance/defensiveness. It’s a tough one. One tactic that can help break down that defensiveness is acknowledging how you may be contributing? Something like “hey, I’ve got a lot of compassion for both of you! I know it’s impossible to control dog barking when you’re not there, and I know he probably is itching for some interaction! I would be glad to help and this is in no way a criticism” unless that’s too far from the truth of how you feel about it? What do you think?
Her response when I was first like “What’s up with your dog” was “He’s just uncomfortable in the new place” (they moved apartments in the same building) and “He’ll calm down soon,” but it’s been two months and he really does bark incessantly when nobody’s home. The second message was just meant to be like “Yo, here’s what’s happening when you’re not home, in case you didn’t know!”
Of course the noise bugs me but it’s the actual helplessness I feel that makes it awful. I would totally let her dog come over and romp around my apartment when I’m home and she’s not. He sounds SO SAD AND SO LONELY.
My elderdogs were in our current home more than a year before they settled down and got used to it. Each dog is different, emotionally. Mine had only known two homes previously, 3 and 5 years in their first home, and 6 and 5 years on the second. Transitions are hard for all dogs, especially for older ones not used to change.
Daaaaang. ๐
you’re a much kinder person than i. i have zero patience for incessantly noisy animals. by the end of day two, I’m calling property management. my next call is to the ASPCA and/or the cops to find out from them *exactly* what the procedure for legal recourse is.
then i continue calling property management twice a day until, based on the information i got from the ASPCA/cops, i’m ready to escalate and get someone other than property management involved.
it’s a noise violation and a nuisance. if someone living in shared housing doesn’t have the time and resources to properly train and care for an animal, they shouldn’t have one. period. it’s not fair to the animal or the neighbors.
Oh man, the property-management situation here is totally crazy. Basically everyone in this building except me are friends and coworkers and it’s really awful the way gossip travels, etc. I am the outsider here — and anything I do affects my roommate’s position in that social/professional hierarchy. It is The Worst. And the super is really nice but way overworked and I’ve taken on some duties around the building to help him out, but there’s no clout included.
TLDR I am extremely hesitant to call the super. I might call the city and see what the legal situation is, though.
oh: what are you all reading at the moment? i re-read sorcery & cecelia recently and it was the best decision i’ve made in a long time.
I have just begun re-reading Game of Thrones in anticipation of watching season 4 once season 5 starts to air. It seems incredibly fitting for the time of year.
I’m reading How to be both by Ali Smith and An Equal Music by Vikram Seth. I dunno, I guess I was in the mood for stories set in dreary England? I should probably look for something sunnier next.
I’ve yet to decide if I like either, but I appreciate the way both authors use language ๐
ooh, i haven’t read anything by ali smith but i keep meaning to! although given that i live in dreary england maybe i’ll wait until summer to look this one up ๐
I just finished Amy Poehler’s Yes Please and oh my gosh was it ever delightful. Just further confirms my opinion that she’s one of the best people on the planet, and not simply for the fact that she thanked Dolly Parton (“Just because”) in the acknowledgements section.
I really enjoyed it too! I also cried more than I expected.
The Boo and I have given each other reading assignments, so mine is “The Forever War”. (I gave him “the Left Hand of Darkness” – we are sci fi dorkuses)
I really like both of those, curious what you think of “The Forever War.” (I liked it, but read it when I was in high school, so..)
I’m about mid-way through, and I like it so far!
I talked about The Three-Body Problem upthread which I just finished. Now I am reading A History of Seven Killings by Marlon James. I’m less than 10 pages in, but it’s good so far.
Marlon James taught at my college!! I haven’t heard of anyone outside of our school talking about his book, so this is exciting to me. I’m sure it’s very good.
i just read bobcat, a collection of short stories by rebecca lee, and i liked it quite a bit!
That’s such a good one!
Reading Laura van den Berg’s “Isle of Youth” this week.
I’ve just started The Headmaster’s Wager, by Vincent Lam. (I really loved Bloodletting and Other Cures by him)
I had to stop re-reading that because I knew it too well and it was losing its magic! I look forward to going back to it someday.
I am binge re-reading JD Robb’s In Death series, which are . . . not good in a number of ways . . . but which have several significant comfort-reading factors to them, and also go very very fast and take up very little brain.
I’ve been on a Regency romance kick, which is super weird for me. I tend to read darker crime stories, like Jo Nesbo or Tana French, but I keep going back for more romance. Not sure what’s wrong with me, why I can’t stop with the junk food of books?
There have been literally months when I have read nothing but fanfic. I’ve decided that if this is what my brain wants for its pleasure reading, I am going to let it, because: pleasure reading.
(Not Regency, but have you read Courtney Milan?)
Yes! She’s pretty great. I think I’ve now read all the historical romance my library offers on Overdrive in the last two months. I’m blaming it on the dog, she just wants to cuddle all the time, so I’ve been spending more time in my reading chair than usual.
Regency romances are fun and great! There are so many wealthy handsome rogues and layered silk dresses! Plus something tragic will always happen at a DANCE. OMG Regency novels are basically 90s teen movies.
Lady Audley’s secret, thankyouverymuch Monday’s open thread.
I just finished reading Ancillary Justice — it took me a little bit to get into it, but I ended up loving it. And now I want to reread The Left Hand of Darkness, and James Tiptree Jr./Raccoona Sheldon/Alice Sheldon’s short stories, and generally roll around in a giant pile of gender and science fiction.
I just read Ancillary Justice a few weeks ago and loved it, although I too needed some time to get into it. I own Left Hand of Darkness but have yet to read it. I will probably do so after reading Ancillary Sword. I know the books have some obvious similarities, but am not sure if they are close enough to warrant reading something different in between. I tend not to like reading things that are too similar back-to-back.
I LOVE THAT PILE. Octavia Butler might also suit.
I just finished City of Stairs for a book club, and enjoyed it. It is kind of fantasy-ish meets late 19th – early 20th century equivalent time / technology?
I started and am almost halfway through The Martian now.
Oooh, I got City of Stairs for Christmas and haven’t started it yet. This reminded me that I should move it to the top of the stack.
I JUST read The Martian a few weeks ago!!!! There are a lot of people in this thread reading things I have recently read. No one else I know has read these things, so please excuse my excitement. I am very excited for the (potential) movie.
I’m reading both for two different book clubs ๐
The Martian would make a pretty great movie. As far as the book, some of the dialogue is pretty silly, and the other characters besides Mark are pretty thin. I really enjoy the concept and the protaganist, and how it nerds out about all the survival stuff.
Exactly. I felt similarly about Gravity: the characters were not well-developed (Sandra Bullock’s character even less so than Mark, but it’s a movie so I guess that makes sense) but the survival stuff was fantastic. I pretty much love anything that involves humans surviving in extreme conditions.
And I can see how all the survival detail would maybe annoy some people (it basically reads like a long form XKCD What If column) but I like it a lot ๐
It’s already started filming and it has Jessica Chastain in it! Matt Damon is the titular Martian. Cannot wait.
City of Stairs!!! I read that book last month at just the right time. It was a balm to my weary soul (I had read several books in a row that defaulted to “traditional” gender roles, often for no conceivable reason, and many of those books had been unhumorous and unimaginative to boot. City of Stairs brought me so much joy by comparison.)
Georgiana: Duchess of Devonshire and I looove it! I didn’t pick it up for a long time because it’s thick with tiny print and I had seen the movie so why bother, but the book really brings her to life in a way the movie didn’t/couldn’t. I haven’t had much time to read lately so I’m not very far along in it but I’m hoping I’ll find time soon.
I’ve been slowly (so slowly) working my way through the 4th Wheel of Time book. The beginning dragged, and then I just had a hard time finding time to sit down and read. So in two weeks I’ve gotten about halfway through it.
But! Last weekend I read the XKCD What If? book, which was excellent, and Octavia Butler’s Kindred which was also excellent and horrifying.
I just started Boy, Snow, Bird by Helen Oyeyemi and the prose is so lovely I want to hold it in my heart as long as possible.
I just started The Country of Ice Cream Star. It was either referenced here on The Toast or on a list linked from here, and is part of my goal to read way more books written by women this year. The basic premise is that a disease has spread that kills pretty much everyone by the time they turn 20. As a result, the first-person narrator has a very specific dialect that is the result of language evolving over several generations of all child-aged people. So far it has been a slow read (only about 50 pages in a week) because of the style, but I’m starting to get into it.
Anyone else familiar with the book and want to share early impressions?
I was re-reading one of the X-Wing novels, and then suddenly my favorite character died offscreen between chapters — which I have no memory of at all from when I read this previously — and even though I actually do know that this is misdirection and he’s not really dead (because I clearly remember the major part he plays in the next book in the series), I was so upset I had to put the book down.
I’m in the middle of many books, as is my custom. A friend gave me “Engendering Judaism” for Christmas and I bought “Chattel or Person? The Status of Women in the Mishnah” the other day so I’ve got my queer-feminist-Jewish bases covered. I’m also reading “Island of the Colorblind” by Oliver Sacks.
Huh, I guess I’ve got a lot of nonfiction going right now.
I just started The Girl on the Train, a new thriller/mystery. So far I’m liking it much better than Gone Girl, which I hated and didn’t finish (I figured out the ending way too soon). I’m also halfway through the third book in Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan novels, and I will recommend them to everyone. And I’m reading Kelly Link’s new book of short stories, and am about to pick up After Birth by Elisa Albert from the library. And I’m reading the second Lord of the Rings book. So my night stand is full.
I’m nearing the end of “The Surgeon’s Mate” by Patrick O’Brian. good good fun, as usual ๐ (though I wish I liked Diana more…)
I love Diana, but I don’t exactly like her, if you know what I mean.
oh, definitely!
Sorcery & Cecilia! That’s exactly what I need to re-read, thank you.
Just finished Jo Walton’s The Just City, which involves Greek gods, time travel, excellent women characters, actual Socratic dialogue, and robots; I cannot wait for the sequel to come out this summer.
The Book Of Strange New Things. Loving it so far.
In the middle of a few things! Outlander and The Luminaries on Kindle, and I have Redefining Realness and A Cup of Water Under My Bed out from the library but haven’t started them yet.
My library has a delightful shelf called “Lucky Day” where they put a few copies of high-demand books — things with long wait lists — you can grab them from that shelf and skip the wait list but you can’t renew them. I snagged Station Eleven there and was very excited about it, went into it knowing nothing other than a bunch of folks here read and liked it. I enjoyed it a great deal.
I’m reading Collective Courage by Dr. Jessica Gordon Nembhard, which is an awesome book about the history of black cooperatives. If you’re interested in black history or cooperatives, it’s definitely worth reading.
I’m having a pretty meh week. It’s stupid cold in Toronto, and the bear man I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is starting to get lukewarm on me. It’s a lot of “let me check my schedule and get back to you” followed by long silences, which makes me feel like I’m wasting my time waiting for someone who will inevitably blow me off. I can appreciate that our schedules are hard to reconcile (he works in a restaurant, I have an office 9-5, so our free time rarely overlaps) but come on, man. I’ve dealt with the slow-fade ghost before, but not from someone I’ve slept with, so it bothers me more.
Which is all my way of saying, have at the online dating thread if you wish. I still have little to share; when things briefly took off with this guy, I kind of stopped actively talking to dudes, so now I’m kind of stalled out with little motivation to keep playing. I just need a nap, you know? The thing I’ve discovered I hate about dating is that it’s not enough to just have a good first date, you have to keep up this level of being interested but not TOO interested, this low-level commitment. I’m not looking to move in with someone tomorrow, but I like to know where I stand with people and if I’m going to see them again. But I’m way too afraid to ask point-blank, because that seems like expecting way too much of someone I just met.
Okay, I’m actually leaving it here. I’m just going to retire to bed this weekend and read books and drink wine and make cookies and forget all men.
Books and wine and cookies sounds lovely. I often stall out on dating this time of year, it’s just so much energy and this is when winter finally starts getting to me anyway. Speaking of which, I have nothing to report re: online dating. Ho hum.
This makes me feel better. Thank you. I shall raise my books and wine and cookies to you!
Slow fade ghosting can be so frustrating, sorry that’s happening to you.
Things are still going well with the guy I’ve been seeing, but I do get the frustration you’re talking about with figuring out how things stand. I feel like I’m in a period now where I really do like this guy, but I don’t want to see overeager, but I don’t want to seem like I’m not interested, and on and on and on. I think it can also be hard to know where people are coming from and what they’re looking for (especially with online dating), but I agree that asking point-blank can seem like too much. So it becomes this sort of “let’s just see what happens!” scenario but something clearer than that would be awfully nice.
Which is all to say that I can’t complain too much since things seem to be going well, but whoever knows because talking explicitly about it early in the game is verboten, so basically I support your reading and wine and cookie making.
It’s exhausting! You are welcome to join me in books and wine and cookies.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with a slow fade. But. When I was dating, I learned quickly to make myself a No Waiting rule. I was so much happier after I learned to refuse to allow myself to wait for any man. If the one I wanted was not available or not responding, fuck him. I went out looking for another. You are not me and your goals do not need to match mine. I just wish for you the giving no fucks attitude that saved me some pain. I trust you to know when to deploy it.
LEGIT. If he can’t be bothered to make me feel interesting and desired, then he’s not right for me.
I admire this attitude so much and I’m trying hard to ape it. I’ve given myself a deadline of Sunday night to start actively finding another guy to hang with, so as not to mope and be lethargic forever.
Ugh, and a bear man would be so great for cold winters :c
Most of my dating happened in college, where things were either one night stands, friends with benefits, or IMMEDIATE SERIOUS COMMITMENT. The “define the relationship” talk happened early and often. I’m baffled by this low-level commitment thing. Sometimes it’s easy; I dated a guy from OKC for two months or so and my feelings were just right for the situation. I felt the warm squishies for him but not the anxiety about “where we stand,” so casual dating worked well. That was an anomaly though.
Epilogue: I now work in the same hospital as him, and though things ended amicably, I still feel like I have to look SUPER GREAT all the time in case we run into each other.
Bear men are SO good for this weather! It slipped right through my fingers!
I’ve never really dated, so I’m just sort of winging it? Once I got over my fear of first dates, I thought I had it all figured out. LITTLE DID I KNOW.
I bet he’s eating his heart out.
Winging it is totally a legitimate way to do it.
I’ve only been dating for about six months, but there’s been tons to learn, and it’s kind of scary and sometimes agonizing, but also very interesting. I’m learning a lot about myself, and also how to say no to what’s not working for me (something I didn’t do well before).
Lame bear man!
For “seeming interested but not too interested”, I get what you mean. I’m trying to take a philosophical approach — if what I’m saying and showing feels right, then we just don’t match if they feel it’s too much. Or they can be straight-up with me. I know it’s not perfect, since I can get weirded out by some guys, but then, well, their approach just doesn’t work for me. Maybe it’ll work for someone else.
As for me, uh, the man in an open marriage I’m seeing just invited me to come over while he’s dog-sitting for someone as well as taking care of his YOUNG SONS. One is about a month old, and the other is four. I’m slightly freaked out.
1) I never really expected to meet his kids, although I did want to meet the baby, because who doesn’t want to meet babies and babies will forget me.
2) I am anxious around children, because I’m afraid I will not impress them.
3) I don’t get the point of this, even though he says he just wants company.
I’m leaning towards going, because I do think I’m just stressing out, but I don’t know for sure.
Other OKC: I’m meeting a guy for pie on Saturday. So even if it’s terrible, at least I get chocolate pecan pie. I also just stopped seeing a guy I slept with, because I felt our conversations kept stalling and were awkward. But I miss him a little. Another guy treated me to a delicious Korean stuffed waffle (shaped like a fish!) but I’m unsure about another outing.
Slightly off-topic: You’re in Toronto too?! Maybe there can be a TO Toastie meet-up!
If I start online dating again, I think I’ll hold all first dates in bakeries so as to console myself with desserts if the dates are terrible.
I think as long as the wife is fine with you meeting the kids, it wouldn’t be too big of a deal. The baby won’t remember you and the four year old may not even care that you’re around if he has toys he’d rather be playing with. Or he’ll be adorable and you won’t regret it having met an adorable child.
Thanks! Yes, I know he wouldn’t ask me unless he had discussed it with his wife.
And totes on the bakeries. If not bakeries, I’m trying to pick cafes or other places I’ve always wanted to go to, so I get that done! There’s a place across the city that serves Parisian-style eclairs and I’m scheming to get a date there ….
IT’S SO COLD IN THE T
Sorry about bear dude ๐
Still haven’t managed to get an actual Tinder date. Going to pretend it’s because everyone is hibernating. Also, GUYS DON’T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS AND IT’S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.* Why am I being forced to carry this entire stupid conversation about tacos? Jesus Christ.
*my improved ability to notice this about men has made it a lot harder for me to sustain crushes than it used to be.
If I have learned one thing from my experiences, it’s that dudes are so much worse at conversation and being people than girls, which really helps me keep things in perspective.
Okay, just on cue, I just gave a guy my number and then soon followed up with “hey um maybe you can give me your number if you feel like it” and he was like “I’m gonna! I was going to send you a hilarious photo first!”
DID NOT PLAY IT COOL.
It’s okay. The pie will soothe my jangled nerves.
Oh the saga of the friend whose wedding I shall not attend continues. Spouse went to NYC the other weekend for a thing and they met up. Right at the very end, as friend was leaving, he was saying his goodbyes and then goes all nonchalant “oh by the way, can you talk to Ethyl for me?” Spouse very smartly stood up and took him outside and let him know in no uncertain terms that he would not be any kind of go-between, that friend’s issues are with me, and that he needs to work it out with me. Friend went into defense mode, even managed to cry a couple of crocodile tears, but said absolutely nothing that could indicate that he understands what the issues are or his part in fixing them.
Fun bonus points — he called me “rigid” multiple times. I guess? If holding a firm boundary that “these people are no longer permitted in my life to abuse me relentlessly” is rigid? I mean, ok I am understanding that narcissistic parents expect everyone around them to bend to their will to avoid the hurricane of abuse that will be unleashed otherwise, and that it can be jarring to see someone go “actually no I’m not going to do that.” I just think it’s an interesting feature that friend keeps harping on and really says a lot about this whole situation.
Use of “rigid” vs. “firm.” HOW INTERESTING.
Yes, isn’t it though???
I don’t know if this is your situation, but I have found that when you are usually soft and squishy and accommodating, ANY kind of boundary is perceived as “rigid” by those who are used to crossing those boundaries.
This.
Yeah — I wish I had spent less time trying to get this woman to like me and more time setting firm boundaries from the get-go. It was hard to see clearly what was going on at the time. I was young and I didn’t really believe that someone could be that weird and horrible and manipulative, yanno? EDITED TO ADD: I should point out that the evil manipulator was my friend’s mother, as well as his stepsister (in different ways). Friend is just sort of the one caught in the middle.
With this friend and this friend group in particular, when I stopped playing along as the Exceptional Woman, I got a TON of pushback. Being called a feminazi, why can’t you take a joke, I’m no fun anymore, the whole thing. This friend seemed to have gotten on board with feminism but I think ultimately he doesn’t really believe in other people’s rights to their own lives. I think partly that comes from, as alluded to above, the particular flavor of horrible manipulator his mom is (I am not diagnosing, but reading up on narcissistic parents gave me a TON of insight about this whole situation).
I am tearing my hair out over this and I am not even the one NOT attending this wedding.
Good luck and godspeed friend!!
I have my first interview next week! it’s for a full-time position in the nursing unit I most want to work in. CURRENTLY REQUESTING (RESPECTFULLY) BEST WISHES IN THE FORM OF JUJU, CROSSED FINGERS, ELABORATE INCANTATIONS, OR BURNT OFFERINGS.
All of the above!
Nobody will ever get close to your gif game, CleverManka.
Crossed fingers *and* toes.
*ululates* Good luck!
GOOD LUCK AHHHH!!
I respect the hell out of nurses. My best friend and sister are in nursing school and the stories they tell make me want to pass out; I wouldn’t last a second actually doing their jobs.
Yeah, I’d snap at a patient to quit being such a baby within … oh … the first two days on the job.
I’ve been a nurse for 8 years, I always tell patients to suck it up, because being a grown up is hard and you can’t stay in bed forever so get up. They love it.
CRUSH IT NOODGE
I am drinking pink fizzy wine toward the cause (pink fizzy wine is the traditional offering-of-good-wishes sacrifice in my tribe).
What kind of unit?? Nursing is the best! It is so hard but it is the best.
Toasties, it’s a cold, clear sunny day here in the Koots and I hear the boarding barn calling my name. “What’s that, Red? You want to go for a ride under frozen blue skies? Don’t mind if we do!”
Actually, it’s probably more like “PonyAlong, gimme all the kookees, pweeze, now go way”.
On another bright note, I’m thatclose to finally getting some western-themed art cards and/or small prints made for selling at summer fairs, retail spaces, etc. My biggest obstacle: myself (losing interest through self-defeating thoughts) but gotta keep running up that hill, as the lovely Kate Bush would say!
This sounds lovely. I’m from the Okanagan (currently an Islander) and it’s beautiful and clear here too!
TRANS REPORT
So, transitioning is a lot of waiting. But life keeps going! I’m getting close to graduating this semester, and I have to decide whether to commit to socially transitioning now or coming out after I get a job. I work in a conservative field and most states don’t have discrimination protection for trans people. So, my thoughts are that I either have to be closeted or be passable to avoid the issue entirely.
I think I have to wait. I’m not really sure that I can make progress on both transition and school right now. It is going to suck to not be able to be myself and having to go back and change my diplomas and everything else. I guess I’ll just continue with HRT and being one of feminism’s double agents against the patriarchy – I’m a woman that people perceive as male, so I’m going to use my privilege for good while I have it. ๐
It’s always so good to hear from you. I’m glad you’re doing well and that you seem to be in a good place emotionally–even if it’s not where you want to be right now.
Likewise! You are one of my favorites. ๐
And with some exceptions, I am in a pretty good place. I am with an absolutely wonderful personfriend, my family is still behind me and loves me, and I’m making new friends. ๐ And hey, I remembered the Open Thread before the evening! Win!
How hard this must be. I cannot imagine. But when I try, it seems so very hard. But on behalf of all women everywhere, thanks for the double-agent-ing!
Seriously. I’ve almost outed myself so many times! But I’m happy to use whatever power our culture gives me to stand up for people who aren’t given that power. ๐ Besides, whatever privilege I have has an expiration date, so I want to make sure I’m getting as much worth out of it as possible.
I’m not really sure that I can make progress on both transition and school right now.
It stinks that you have to make a choice between those two, but you sound so confident and in control of your process. That’s unsurprising, coming from you, but still awwwwwwesome.
one of feminism’s double agents against the patriarchy – I’m a woman that people perceive as male, so I’m going to use my privilege for good while I have it. ๐
<3 You genius <3
Honestly, I usually just say that I’m trying to keep my feet under me through my last semester, but I do have more control and confidence than I credit myself for when I actually think about it. *hugs* Thank you for your insight!
“I’m a woman that people perceive as male, so I’m going to use my privilege for good while I have it. :)” <– you’re amazing! With all these practical difficulties you have to face right now, you’re taking the time to think about your wider community as well as yourself. That’s so cool of you!
Hello friends!
I had to be at work til 10:30 on Tuesday, so I racked up a few more comp hours on Wednesday and Thursday and took today off. I’m snuggled up in bed with coffee and haven’t had to go out into the 12-degree weather yet, but when I do leave the house it will be to meet my friend for margaritas and nachos. Tomorrow I’m seeing Jupiter Ascending and a Miyazaki-themed burlesque show. I got paid today for the first time since I started my new job.
Also, I seem to be good at my new job. I’m like a counselor/advocate/general support for people in mental health crisis and I seem to be good at it. I was really scared I wouldn’t be. I ran group therapy for the first time yesterday and it went really well.
After the shitshow that was the last few months of 2014, I kind of can’t believe how well things are going right now :3
MIYAZAKI-THEMED BURLESQUE SHOW? I didn’t think I needed that, but now I know it exists, and damn do I need that.
Hullo! I started an e-mail newsletter last week. Gotta get my shit out there. Feel free to subscribe, or don’t, whatever! It’s at tinyletter.com/stuffroachknows. Anyone else getting their creative juices flowing in this dreary month?
Hey Toasties! I need your thoughts. So I’ve been feeling lately a bit at a loss in a few ways, one of which is related to the menz. I keep meeting guys who are not bad dudes, and who I get on with well, but who aren’t long term prospects.
The guys in question aren’t bad guys who have drinking problems or like, don’t return my calls. I’m talking about good guys, who are cute and smart and nice but who don’t want what I want. I am flexible to some extent, but overall, certain things (children, openness to moving elsewhere) are dealbreakers. I meet these dudes both online and in real life. I keep my OKC account up and running, but few of those people are my kind of people. I am getting a bit worried, since I’m also entering the early thirties, and the people I know who settled down did so younger than I. Eeep. Any ideas? Reflections? Comforting wisdom?
I didn’t find the Burgomaster until I was 35 and he was 37. One of my besties didn’t find her Good Love until she was 55. I know it’s hard, but try not to set a timer on yourself. Remember, “settling down” includes the word “settling” and nobody needs that.
All I can tell you is that every once in awhile I think “who am I to be so picky? this is a perfectly nice person” and then I try to force myself to date a perfectly nice person who I have nothing against but I feel no spark with and it’s exhausting and when I do meet someone who I spark with I realize how much I was forcing myself with the perfectly nice person and vow never to settle again. The risk, of course, is that I will end up with no one, but since I enjoy being single about as equally as I enjoy being with someone, that’s a risk I take with an open heart.
+++++1 to the “when I do meet someone who I spark with”
Do not let “perfectly nice” creep in your vocabulary! You want someone you really want to be with, because that should help it last longer (hopefully).
Thanks, guys! I’ll keep your advice in mind. One thing is that I’d like a kid or two, preferably not alone. It makes timing important. But I guess I will just have to keep on going and see what happens.
I think I’m getting sick but I’m combating this by saying “I refuse to be sick!” taking lots of baths and drinking citrus airborne (zicam gives me hives). Luckily today is our Presidents’ Day holiday (it’s a class scheduling thing) so I can rest for 3 days before re-entering the Germ Thunderdome that is the library.
Things from my week I want to share with you:
1. I met a male student named Summerun
2. I saw a car at the DMV with the plate SASS-C1
3. Stray cat I’ve been feeding now enters my home and makes me carry it out to the porch to be fed. I am highly trainable by animals.
4. I cleaned all the keyboards/mice in the library this week (they’re white mac ones so they were filthy). This is just a PSA to say–clean your keyboards today. Also go through your medicine cabinets and toss out expired stuff. That is all.
SASS-C1!
Try this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG9nq3qPO68
WE ALL SAW THIS, RIGHT
http://www.thefrisky.com/2015-02-20/brayden-olson…
right
He doesn’t even have a helicopter!
hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
oh, men are such amusing creatures. goodness.
No but seriously, ew.
This is great when taken with Roxane’s review. I wonder if he has a personality.
I had a dude hit on me by saying that he was a Christian Gray type and I told him that Christian was not someone I would ever want to date and he tried to argue with me about it.
Of course he did. Of course he would argue about what *you* find attractive. Misandry solidarity, friend.
I have had it happen many times! Usually with dudes who take objection to me saying that I don’t date libertarians or whatever in my profile. But I love it when they compare themselves to fictional characters who are actually jerks and then are surprised when you don’t want to date them (another dude called himself a Tony Soprano type, and while I have never watched the show I know that Tony had anger issues and was not super nice to his wife, so no thanks).
If you identify as a dominant, there are better ways to express that! Even better fictional characters you can use as “code” to express that you are kinky if you don’t want to come out and say it. Unless you are offering to buy me a new computer, car, wardrobe and personal trainer, don’t compare yourself to Christian Gray.
I had to wait till I wasn’t at work to check that out and ahahahahahahanooooooope.
Also…. Do you guys think Brayden Olsen is even actually his real name?
You guys, I made An Art!
It’s in my bedroom and I love it, except that it really emphasizes how truly awful the paint color is and how if I’d known when I moved in that I’d be living there for at least five years, I would have gone ahead & painted it.
that is so cool!
Thanks! (just to be perfectly clear, because I forgot to mention it in my original post: Mallory’s words, not mine.)
CATS.
Here is half an upsidedown cat poking out of the duvet on the sofa.
And here is the best working companion a girl could wish for.
Pretty kittehs!! Shall this be the Cat Threat, then?
Here is the Boy Cat, being (respectively) handsome and rude:
GOOD LORD THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL CAT
Thank you!ย He is a shy boy, but I will convey your compliments to him. ^_^
TUXEDOS UBER ALLES
Damn straight.
I love his little nose-splodge!
Sometimes he stealthily puts his nose in a yogurt container and he gets a splodge on his splodge! Then my heart explodes.
Wow he’s so handsome! I bet he gets all the girls!
It doesn’t hurt that he’s an expert cuddler too.
Here is a cat that was not pleased that I decided to work on a journal club talk instead of paying full attention to her.
(Not pictured: the large amount of time she spent sitting in front of the laptop where I was deeply torn between just paying attention to her and doing the presentation I actually needed to finish)
I’m home with Kismet today (can’t get pictures to load) and she isn’t getting the treats-are-only-at-night concept. Also she was so happy that I wasn’t going to work that she made biscuits on my neck (ouch).
nooooo I love and hate making biscuits. It is so sweet but why must you make them on my boobs and stomach.
Babycat ruined a Modcloth dress straight out of the box once. It was a knit dress and I was wearing it around the house, and Babycat came onto my lap to snuggle. He made biscuits on my chest for like half an hour and when I looked in the mirror I saw that he had…what’s the verb form of pilling? He’d tugged little threads out all over the dress. Little shit.
*cry* My FAVORITE red sweater
why, you tiny adorable bastard, why
Here is a very sad emo cat who doesn’t understand why it is not dinner time yet, can’t I see that she is wasting away?
Poor starved thing. Very sad.
Hello, cats!
I have no photos of Diesel this week because really, it would just be a photo of a lump of duvet.
This was in my Timehop the other day. My little guy has no sense of personal space. (Trying to figure out how to post pictures here, apologies if I screw it up)
Kitten scarf!
I bought this bed in the hopes of getting my clingy rescue dog to stop hanging out on the couch (of which he, a 35-pound corgi, takes up 2/3). As you see it’s backfired spectacularly.
Well, the cat DOES match the pillow! Only fair!
that pillow used to be on my couch but it was so thoroughly colonized by the above cat and her brother that when I eventually replaced the couch pillows and gave that one to them as tribute.
Cat was trying to kill me this morning. I was having bad dreams, and suddenly felt a thing stepping on my face. I nearly took a swing at what was just in fact a cat perching on my chest (and seeing if I was ready to be eaten yet). Drifted off again, and when I reawoke freaked out because all I could see was blurry cat earl. Or as my sleep addled mind called it, SASQUATCH COMING TO KILL ME! Darn cat
My good friend just got her first boyfriend (we’re 26) and she’s going off the deep end into Teenage Lurrrrve territory and it’s so hard to watch, guys. Any tips for being supportive when your natural instinct is to be like D:?
Much listening. “I’m glad you’re happy” is your go-to phrase. And changing the subject after a reasonable time.
I’m in a similar position! I’ve been saying very neutral things (like “that’s great :)”) and biting my tongue HARD when my cycnicism wants to rear its ugly head.
WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Good God he’s so sexy. Unf. But yes, lasso, drink wine forever!!!
I think most of us don’t get to fall in love that many times in our lives/ we hope we don’t. For me it’s happened maybe 4-5 times and I got started earlier than you friend and am older than her too. The chemical part doesn’t last that long. I think you could try and find joy in the fact that it’s a temporary and delicious state that wears off, and about being the kind of person who takes joy from other people’s joy, even when it’s sappy and cliche. Especially if your friend has felt like she’s getting to this later than other people, she just wants everyone to be radiant with joy for her.
Smile and nod, “I’m glad you’re happy”, “how nice!”. If she asks for advice, give it kindly. If she doesn’t, keep it to yourself. If it ends horribly, take her out for drinks, and if it doesn’t, celebrate that someone you care about got lucky.
My friends had/have to deal with me going through this, and I’m… 37? and I’ve been married twice before too. So IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. The other advice here is spot on, but I would add… be compassionate because you may be going through it yourself at some point, despite your best intentions.
Toastrons is there a Boston toast or hairpin Facebook group?
We have a Google group!! I don’t know much about the Internet, but I think you can just search for it and then apply for membership?
Ooh, excellent.
Baking thread? It’s really fucking cold here, and I am not leaving the house for any reason today, so I’m baking Challah, using this recipe, http://www.thefreshloaf.com/recipes/honeywholewhe…. I’ve made it before, but this time it took a full 20 minutes of kneading for the dough to come together. Does weather affect gluten? I’m hoping it’s not too cold to rise.
Weather and indoor air quality can definitely affect dough hydration, which would in turn affect gluten, but I’m not totally sure to what extent. I made seeded rye bread last weekend and it didn’t rise as much as I wanted but at a certain point I was like “fuckit, I am baking this dough.” It was fine, if dense ๐
Hydration makes a lot of sense. It is super dry here. I ended up having to add more water before it would stick together at all.
When it’s cold I put my dough in the water heater closet to rise. It’s usually the warmest spot in the apartment. Also cold tends to mean drier air, which might make gluten development more difficult. More water tends to mean more elasticity, less water makes a stiffer dough that requires more kneading. (remember no-knead bread? it was super wet and developed gluten by just sitting around, same principle)
The dough has been rising for an hour now, and I barely see any difference. I brought it into my bedroom, which is at least 5 degrees warmer than the kitchen, so hopefully that will help.
I have a trick–it’s better with gf bread, but it should help with yours, too. You need a microwave, though. Microwave a damp tea towel for 45 seconds. Then, place the bread in the microwave with the hot, damp tea towel (obviously, don’t microwave it. Just set it in there with the door closed.) See if you can force it to rise more.
Thanks for the tip! I’m trying that. The temperature must be the only issue with the rise, since I proofed the yeast and it was very bubbly.
Let me know how it turns out! I work a lot with a starter now, and I find cold air drafts really do affect rise. It sounds fussy and weird, but the yeast seems to need the room to be damp, hot, and still. Good luck! Post pics of your delish challah after it’s baked!
Oooh, do you have a good GF bread recipe? My metamour has a non-Celiac gluten allergy and so I am always looking for recipes and things to make for her.
Well, this is definitely not going to be the prettiest challah I’ve ever baked. The dough dried out the moment I uncovered it to shape it, and it cracked as I braided it, plus I seem to have done something unpleasant to my wrist while rolling it into snakes for braiding. But the loaves are braided, and they’re doing their final proofing now, so they should go into the oven in an hour or so.
Picture!
Yeah, not my prettiest effort. But it tastes good!
Brilliant!!! I am sorry it cracked a bit, but these things happen. I bet it’s a delicious bread.
I’m feeling so trapped that I want to chew my own leg off to get away. Still trapped in the mystery of my AWOL periods, trapped by lack of prospects in this country, and trapped in the apartment for I-forget-how-many-days by mommy-toddler gastroenteritis and a severe cold warning outside.
Also, my closest friend here has suddenly stopped communicating when it was an at-least-several-times-a-day thing. All the kinds of things she used to chat about with me (our mutual depression, toddler rearing, husbands, toxic families, BBC period dramas, etc.), she’s started writing about on this treacly online mom’s group she got me into, and if I write to her (which I’ve stopped doing because it’s feeling borderline stalkerific), she sends terse answers. She’s always been Eyore-ish and anxious to be reassured that I still like her, and now nothing. My feverishly bored former-analyst brain, after going through our previous chats, can only come up with the possibility that I offended her by complaining in a rageful way about my doctor (who belongs to a practice that she’s a patient of and recommended), and her thing is being Helpful. (I’ve tried to get her to believe that I hang out with her because I enjoy her company, not because I need her to be Helpful). But I’ve also noticed with her unsolicited Help that if you act anything but 100% pleased with it, she takes it very personally. So maybe it was that. I have no idea. I even asked her, in an is-everything-OK-because-I-haven’t-heard-from-you-lately kind of way, and got terse, short answers. I give up, even though it sucks. Anybody else have one of these?
I’m sorry. But you’re right. You have to give up after asking if everything is OK and getting short responses.
Time for more mature friends. I know they don’t grow on trees. Believe me, I know.
with her unsolicited Help that if you act anything but 100% pleased with it, she takes it very personally
Ain’t nobody got time for that, seriously.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I feel like with friends with mental illness, there is sometimes a period of weirdness in the friendship that is down to her moods more than anything else. Even if she is a Helper, and you did badmouth someone she recommended to you, it is on HER to be the grown-up and not take your reaction personally. (Which may not be possible for her right now if her brain is putting a negative spin on everything.)
It may help to reduce contact with her for a while so she can cycle through this. She may come back around… if not, as RoseCamelia said, it could be time to find a more mature friend.
*hugs*
Any RI toast-folk around?
Hi! Sorry for the late reply–I’m not in RI but my sister moved there in the fall and has been hoping to expand her friend group! Could I put you two in touch?
GUYS I NEED HELP SETTLING A DEBATE WITH MY 11-YEAR OLD:
do monkeys have 2 hands and 2 feet? Or 4 hands?
…. paws?
Is “hand” defined as “having an opposable thumb?” I am not the right person to answer this question.
At first that’s how I was defining it, but now we’ve moved more into function. My son is all “they can peel bananas with their feet, which makes them hands!” And I’m all “but they walk on those, which makes them feet!”
And this whole thing was preceded by a similar debate about dog paws and corresponding human extremities. (Me: A DOG’S FRONT PAWS ARE LIKE THEIR HANDS, HOW DO YOU NOT GET THIS)
No way! A dog has four feet-paws and no hand-paws, this is the only truth in the universe.
Point 1: You trim a dog’s toenails, regardless of whether they are on the forepaws or the back.
Dammit you make a good point and I have no rebuttal
I think 2 hands and 2 feet like us (we are somewhat closely related right?), but they use their feet way more. I agree with the opposable thumb criteria for hands so if monkeys have tumbs on their feet, 4 hands then, fine. But them lower 2 are walkin hands.
http://www.nhptv.org/wild/primates.asp
This is truly the only debate worth having.
I say four hands. And also that you take this opportunity to watch the David Attenborough special on tree-climbing mammals, which is one of the best hours of television ever.
I have not seen it, but I will definitely look it up once my kids get home because it sounds wonderful, so thanks!
It’s part of the series “The Life of Mammals,” which is on Netflix
Two hands, two feet!
Caveat:
I’m surprised that the bird isn’t just pictured as a sphere.
I WAS TOO! ๐
Your 11-year-old talks with you. At length. This is the prize. Excellent parenting.
Yeah, it is pretty exciting when anything gets him to move beyond communicative grunting
Hi Toasties, hope y’all are staying warm! (And Toasty.) (Sorry.) My only pressing comment this week: how do you start writing again after you’ve stopped?
Last winter, during a bout of mostly unprecedented creativity, I started writing fanfiction. It was fun, there were even reviews, which were sometimes even good, but then life got in the way and I also picked up this habit of hating every single word that comes out of my mouth/keyboard.
How do you… words… after a long period of… not words? This is all very silly, since this is not even Real Writing we’re talking about, but it made me happy and I miss it.
If it makes you happy, it’s not silly ๐ For me, what really worked was forcing myself to write 100 words every day, for myself. It didn’t matter what they were — it could be working on a bigger project, or it could be a journal entry, or it could be literally just describing whatever was in front of me at the time. I did it right before bed. I would permit myself to skip a day if I was traveling or had been at work for 12+ hours, but if I did that, I had to write 200 words the next day, and I could never skip more than one day. I tried not to edit, just get something on the page.
For me, this really worked. It never took that long and sometimes it got me started and I did way more than that. I will say it wouldn’t work as well if you’re writing freehand (I was on a laptop).
Good luck!
This is a really good strategy. Especially love what you said about not editing- I edit a lot of things for my job so it is easy for me to leap into editor mode and forget that I’m not actually doing a work assignment.
12+ hours? Girl, that is dedication. If I have a 10+ hour day I’m all set. There’s a lot of discipline in doubling up your word count if you miss a day too.
What safvn said. I would add, do your daily 100 words in a special notebook, one you chose as special. I like paper. I like notebooks. I take pleasure in handling them, feeling the paper, seeing the cover I chose as special just for me.
Thanks! That sounds like a nice ritual from a self-care perspective too.
Darling Toasties!
So a while ago I was posting about deciding to look for mental health help, and then a while after that about being super nervous about my first psychiatrist appointment. I figured I should post an update!
Drugs are magic.
I started taking an antidepressant about 5 weeks ago, and Oh My God it is the best thing. I don’t sleep until noon every day anymore and when I wake up I actually feel like I want to accomplish things. I’m only doing okay at actually accomplishing things, but I want to. Which is a huge improvement over the last year or so of my life.
I have optimism! It is great!
!!!!! “Yay!” seems so trite in the situation but YAY!!
*You* are magic. You did it. You got help. It was hard, but you did it. You took a drug you had not taken before. It might have been scary, but you did it. And now look at you, wanting accomplishments and achieving some. Go you!
I am pretty much walking around thinking ‘wow, is this how normal people feel?’ It feels pretty magical.
I know that exact feeling! I remember my jaw actually dropping as I looked around and thought, ‘Is this how normal people feel? No wonder they get so much stuff done in their lives. Imagine if I felt like this all of the time!’
YAY
My doc started me on Buspar this week — only starting at a very teensy dosage so no effects yet, but I would sure like them to start working soon. I would very much like to be able to devote time to basically anything besides managing my anxiety.
I’m on wellbutrin, and it kicked in at almost exactly three weeks.
I hope it starts working for you soon and that things get better!
I’m so glad the meds are working for you!! Way to be brave!
Oh my god! I am literally in the EXACT same situation (5 weeks and everything!) and I just can’t believe it’s taken me this long to turn to the magic of drugs! I have been evangelising anyone who will listen because I am just so happy that life, while still challenging, is worth living again. High five for you ๐
Videogame thread! What are all you folks playing right now?
I’m traveling this week, so I’ve only got my laptop. This means that I’m currently working my way through Analogue: A Hate Story, a neat little visual novel about trying to figure out what happened on a derelict Korean spaceship which devolved into a traditional class and gender structure. Most of the action involves reading, and interacting with (and possibly romancing) two dueling AIs. Lots of commentary on the gender binary and such – very much recommended for the Toasty crowd.
Also waiting to get home so I can play Sunless Sea, which I’d only started scratching the surface of before I left, but which was lovely and delicious. So very delicious. *Dreams of eating her crew zee-bats.* And maybe I’ll finally get started on METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE. I wish to be an anime cyborg with a sword and a robot dog.
BROFORCE
So much Crusader Kings II.
I’m on a hot streak : bits of the Holy Roman Empire keep rebelling, and I just swoop in and gobble them up. Also, I got nicknamed ‘The Great’ before my 25th birthday.
The husband and I started playing Myst. It is so amazing. I used to play it with my mom when it first came out and we never finished it because there was no internet to help you when you got stuck on puzzles, but this time cheating is an option. Also, I am impressed by how nice the game still looks.
I’m also about halfway through my second Dragon Age: Inquisition playthrough and already planning for my next one…
There’s a DA:I patch coming out at some point soon which will add a storage chest, a face-changing mirror, and a way to CUSTOMIZE THE COLOR OF YOUR ARMOR COMPONENTS arglgsadfsadfpppp. Think I’ll wait for that to start my second one!
i want to play all of the dragon age games in order, but i’m still on DA:Origins, and it’s such a slog.
very curious about sunless sea!
First time on Origins? I recommend putting it on Casual if it’s not already. There are too many samey battles which take forever.
I am still at the same ~80% finished state of Dragon Age Inquisition that I have been for a few weeks. I really just need to fire it up and power through the main quest to finish it, but I’m weirdly overwhelmed with starting it back up again. My whole life is littered with 80% finished video games. I really need to work on that.
I have also been playing Zelda: Minish Cap on the Wii U Virtual Console and Pokemon White 2 on the 3DS (although technically it’s a DS game). Minish Cap is pretty great, although a couple of times I have had no clue what to do next, and when I look it up online I realize that I probably would never have stumbled upon the answer on my own. I used to be a purist about not looking up FAQs, but I have gotten over that since the time I attempted to solve a Portal 2 puzzle for 45 minutes and could not think of a single other way to do it besides what I was already doing. When I looked up the FAQ it turned out that I was doing exactly the right thing but that my controller’s slightly off calibration was causing me to exit one of my portals at a slight angle that was ruining my momentum. Also, I just don’t have enough time in my life for video games to figure every last thing out without help.
After watching many of the Game Grumps’ Pokemon Fire Red videos, I decided to try a Pokemon game for myself. I’ve never played one before and I am too old to have been part of the phenomenon when Pokemon arrived on the scene, but it’s actually pretty fun! As long as I have the strength/weakness chart open to consult while I play. And I am in love with Oshawott. So cute!
If you like Oshawott in the game, check out some of the Pokรฉmon B/W episodes on Netflix! It is probably the most adorable wonderful pokemon in the world and I can’t get over him awwww
Yessssss! I have been watching little clips on YouTube but now that I know Black and White is on Netflix I’m definitely gonna check it out!
Oh my god, yes! Iris and Axew are also great but in this series the pokemon really steal the show.
I will definitely tell you that you should NOT listen to Minccino, because watching a Minccino episode convinced me to let my chinchilla out and then I spent an hour and a half trying to wrangle him back into his cage. Bad idea.
Wasteland 2! I made a party of 4 female Rangers and we are delivering hot [social] justice to shithead [male] raiders everywhere.
Analogue is a fucking great game but it for real gave me nightmares.
I’m on my second playthrough of Dragon Age Inquisition. It is consuming far too much of my brain. I tend to binge game RPGs, but this is ridiculous. It’s the romance options. They just make the game that much more addictive. I never seem to get bored.
I feel like I need to play ALL THE ROMANCES. My second playthrough lady Qunari is romancing Sera and it’s awesome. So awesome and sweet and silly and just a little sad. My first romance was Blackwall, and I’m torn on who I’m going to romance next. I want to do a male character for Dorian because he is awesome, but I also hear so much about how Cullen is the sweetest. So we’ll see which way I go when I finish up this playthrough.
I went with Cullen on my first go-round and quite enjoyed it. Now it’s all Dorian, all the time, and it is all I dreamed of and more.
Argument for Dorian: you get to see his butt.
I hear it sparkles.
That it does, my friend.ย That it does.
I am also on my second playthrough and plotting a third, purely for romance options. First time I was a lady elf mage who romanced Sera, and now I’m playing as a dude human archer just to get Cassandra (and I finally got her and it’s amazing). Next up: female dwarf warrior to romance Josephine? Maybe!
OHhhhh I am on my first playthrough and I am spending tons of time on the side quests so I am advancing the plot pretty slowly. I am flirting with everyone I can so far. Josephine shut me down. Everyone else has just chuckled at me.
I’ve been cleaning up all the side quests in Lego City: Undercover. I’m not sure how much fun I’m actually having, but the completionist in me really wants that 100%. I’m at about 60%. I’m still kind of annoyed by how few female characters there are though, both in the story and in the useful unlockable character types.
Oh, also I finished Mummy-Me Maze Forever in Captain Toad! I finally asked the internet for tips, and the internet reminded me that I could stun enemies by tapping them on the gamepad, and then it was relatively easy.
I recently bought Mario Kart 8 and have been playing that all week. I thought I’d main Rosalina like I did with Wii, but I was tempted away by Pink Gold Peach for two reasons:
1) the shiny! Especially on Rainbow Road tracks, so pretty!
2) This quote about her from an AV Club article about the playable characters:
“Pink Gold Peach is a straightforward avatar of pure vice, a character so obsessed with the trappings of royalty that she has turned her very body into an outlandish luxury item. PGP is Peachโs id revealed at long last. Sheโs also the most honestly designed character: She exists to be shiny, so she is shiny.”
I feel the fact that coating Peach in metal turns her eyes totally soulless matches well with this description.
I am also replaying Fire Emblem: Awakening for the fourth time. It’s my first lunatic playthrough; I am planning to use mostly women. I have to use Chrom for the main battles, and Frederick at the beginning b/c it’s otherwise impossible to pass the first four chapters. I am also playing with a male avatar, who I will later ditch in favour of his daughter, Morgan. By the time I can recruit Morgan, Chrom should be the only male character I will be using!
Awkward Zombie had the most amazing comic about Pink Gold Peach:
I’ve been sinking myself into digital painting tutorials as well as Blender and Unity stuff in my spare time so I haven’t been playing much. I did get the Homeworld Remastered collection though which releases in 4 days, so I’ll have to play that.
Aw man. I wish I knew how to do that kind of digital painting stuff – that’s really cool! Is this just for fun, or for work stuff?
Just for fun… I’m just starting out learning. I found a really cool site ctrlpaint.com with a ton of free video tutorials aimed toward beginners. Now I just need to practice ๐
Aaaand bookmarked. This is relevant to my interests. Thanks! ๐
A friend of mine bought me Borderlands 2 but I am having such a hard time getting into it because I don’t like bang bang shooty games. Instead I have been playing the new Pokรฉmon Shuffle game that came out for free in the Nintendo eShop because it is cute and free.
Which character are you playing as? I loved Mordecai in the first Borderlands game so I picked Zer0 in BL2 and didn’t really like him as much – BL2 really does not want you to play him as a sniper even though that’s one of the options on his skill tree. If you do end up playing more I recommend Gaige (you may need to get her as DLC depending on which version of the game you have) and using the BFF skill tree, then you can have your awesome robot kill things for you.
I also found that BL2 (at least when playing with Zer0) had a real steep difficulty curve right up until I killed Captain Flynt and then it suddenly got much easier.
Yeah, Gaige is really fun, in that she lets you play in ways that aren’t quite so bang-shooty. Things also clicked for me post-Flynt. Of course, I was playing the most shooty character of all, Salvador the Gunzerker! OH GUNS I LOVE YOU SO. Husband was on Zer0, which was a nice combo.
Sunless Sea and Hyrule Warriors are my main video game squeezes (??) right now. I’m also working on Skyward Sword but finding it kind of frustrating. I want to like it and I really want to get through the story, but apparently I completely suck at it.
I keep meaning to go back and play Skyward Sword since I own it but never got past the third dungeon, but I remember being really annoyed at the motion controls and at how Fi would try and give me helpful hints 3 seconds after I encountered a puzzle. At least Midna and Navi gave me a minute to think about it without immediately telling me the answer.
I’m playing Evolve right now, which is a 4 vs 1 shooter game where 1 player is a giant monster, and the other 4 players are monster hunters. Each person in the party takes a different role, like medic, or support, or assault, that kind of thing, and there’s a big variety of different characters you can play and a few different monsters. It ends up being pretty deep, tactically speaking, but it’s really light on story and since it’s multiplayer the quality of your experience depends a lot on who you’re playing with. I have not yet sunk enough hours into the game to be either an asset to my team, or a challenge as the monster, but it’s fun anyway.
Evolve looks like a lot of fun to me, and I really like the concept, but I always worry I’d not be able to get a decent group of folks together (a la Titanfall). I like what I’ve seen of the female character designs, though.
I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who replied to me a month or so ago when I had just started taking an SSRI. I was impatient and sad and scared and everyone really comforted me. I’m glad I stuck with it, because I actually feel like a human being again.
That said, anyone seen any good movies lately?
I am happy for you. Good for you, sticking with your SSRI even though it scared you. That’s courage. I’m proud to know you.
I saw Kingsman and Jupiter Ascending last weekend, and really enjoyed them both for different reasons. (although I would like to talk about the last scene in Kingsman with somebody, because I’m back and forth on it)
Whiplash. A bit over the top ridiculous at times, but it truly doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it and the last twenty or so minutes is just perfect and amazing. J.K. Simmons will win the Oscar.
The Raid 2. If you liked the first one, you will absolutely love this one. Some of the most bonkers action scenes I have ever seen.
Yes! I saw Whiplash and found it mesmerizing. I hope JK Simmons wins!
I’m not too into action movies but I’ll pass on your Raid rec to my bf!
I recently saw Two Days, One Night and can’t stop thinking about what I would do if I were in that movie’s situation. I really recommend it to everyone!
I loved Two Days, One Night. I’ve been pondering what I would have done for the entire week as well.
I also really liked A Most Violent Year. The acting was excellent all around (Jessica Chastain is perfect as always) and it really felt like the 80s. Slow paced but very well made.
Yay! You are so good and brave. ๐ I’m delighted to hear that you’re doing ok now.
Aaah that is great to hear! I’m so glad that it’s helping! Good job!!!
We watched both 21 and 22 Jump Street recently, and it did bring a great cheer into my soul. <3 U Tatum Channing.
Just saw this and now it is all I can think about for the rest of the day:
Yesssss. I was completely uninterested in the Aquaman movie until I saw this picture. Now I am super on board for seeing it in theaters.
YESSSSSSSSSS
. . . I don’t _want_ to care about the DCU, damn it.
Come to the DCU. We have diverse characters and far better snacks.
I should say that I’m incredibly bad at keeping up with TV, so I mean movies and not TV shows, and while the movie portion of the MCU is hit-or-miss for me, I love the ones that hit. As for the forthcoming DC movies proper, if they’re substantially more diverse than the MCU I’ve been missing something! Anyway, I would be delighted if there were more good superhero movies out there, the DC ones so far have been really not my thing. But Jason Momoa’s casting is awesome (Ronon! You were my favorite and SGA did so poorly by you!) and maybe it’s a good sign, like the comics side of things bringing in writers like Genevieve Valentine and Gene Luen Yang.
What a gorgeous man. Thank you for this. ::fans self::
I just sent a paper off for feedback from two very smart people and now I am all “omg what if it’s terrible and embarrassing and my science is bad or my grammar is terrible aaaaaaaaaah” and plus they’re in England so if they have any sense they’ll’ve left for the day and won’t even get it until Monday. ๐
On the upside, I am thiiiiiis close to submitting it for publication! (Which will incur another round of anxious flailing. Sigh.)
Stop flailing. Deep breath. Hold it. Let it out slowly. There. Feel better? You are a fine scientist. Your work is valuable, as are you. I believe in you. Do you?
I do! This is just the first time I’ve shown this material to people other than my supervisor / research group people, and it’s out of my hands temporarily and I’m sure there are nits to pick about it. Thank you for your lovely and supportive encouragement ๐
Finally I have found a video that truly shows what I I feel like on the inside basically all the time, and I wanted to share it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfHKy5nIElM
Have you fought your health insurance company long enough to get free birth control? Have been paying way, way too much in recent months and have spent a lot of time on the phone trying to work something out. I read the Time piece and Jezebel, and will try to convince my doctor’s office to call my insurance, but would really appreciate any experiences you can share.
My primary care doc had to refer me to a specialist for a particular kind of birth control. She said to call one of these two docs because she knows they will fight for me with my insurance and will Make. Them. Pay.
So maybe choose your doc with that in mind? It’s a good question for intro visits with a new doc: What are your strategies for getting insurers to pay? What’s your success rate?
Hi Toasties. I’m very sad today because yesterday my husband and I had to put down one of our cats because he had FIP, which is incurable. He’d been acting differently for awhile, but we only really noticed how sick he was last weekend. He wasn’t very old, only 4 or 5. And he was like my spirit animal. He was shy and anxious like me, but also really loved cuddles and interactions with very specific people. He had big eyes and a loud purr and was very orange, and I miss him very much. I feel glad that he didn’t suffer too much, but also guilt that we didn’t see that he was sick sooner, and also guilt over whether or not putting him down was right (the vet said it was, and it seems like it was and the cat had stopped eating and drinking… but you always wonder if you could have done more). I also kind of wish that I’d spent even more time with him after he was put down (I probably spent 10 minutes or so with him afterwards, after holding him while he was let go). If I had the money and my husband didn’t think it was creepy I’d totally be the weird lady getting her cats taxadermied. My husband and I spent a lot of yesterday crying, and I’m still very sad today, and I’m sure I will be for awhile. Anyone else here want to share pet grief stories? Sorry this is a big rambley and long, but I’m sure you all understand.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It was probably the best decision, to keep your dear cat from suffering. Feel whatever you need to feel, and remember we’re here for you!
Oh honey I am so so so sorry. Grieving a pet is such a traumatic thing. Here is the eulogy I wrote for my beloved Fetish Kitty in 2011. To be honest with you, I’m still not done grieving her and I’m pretty sure I’ll never get another cat. I know lots of people can move on and love other pets after losing one, but I don’t think I’m one of those people.
I’m sorry you had him for such a short time and I wish you’d had more than four or five years to pet his very orange fur and look into his big eyes and listen to his loud purr. My heart is with you and your husband.
That’s a beautiful eulogy you wrote. You wrote, “She was so quiet and peaceful, I couldn’t tell when she died,” and it was the same with my Murphy. After the vets left the room, I put my head to his chest and I thought I felt a vibration. He just didn’t seem dead and gone. I had to hold him for several more minutes before I could believe it. My pets are so important to me, and such a vital force in my life that I don’t think I’ll ever be “gone” grieving. We have another cat, one we’ve had since she was a kitten, and I know she’s going to be sad and lonely without her brother. At some point I’m sure we’ll get another cat, but right now I know I’d just be wishing I could have the same experience I had when I found Murphy online, the experience of seeing the picture and knowing, that’s the one! Thank you for sharing your Fetish Kitty’s story. She was lucky to have run across your foot!
Fetish and I were both very lucky. It sounds like the animals in your life are fortunate, as well, to have such a loving home. Hugs to you, bb. So many hugs.
I’m really sorry. I’m not familiar with FIP but when an animal stops eating and drinking and it’s incurable, well, I don’t see how you could have done more. That doesn’t make it feel good to have to make the decision though. Grieve your sweet orange kitty however you need to.
We euthanized our dog a few weeks ago, and the first 3-5 days were absolutely the worst in terms of crying and misery. After that it became a gentler sort of sad. The guilt is natural, but I hope you are able to let go of it soon since I can tell you loved him very much and always did what was right and necessary.
One thing I did that sort of helped in those first few days was every time my husband and I started reminiscing, or I started thinking about her was to write the memories down – I just kept a google doc open to make it easy to jot things. I don’t know if I’ll ever format it into something readable or even look at it again, but I like to know it’s there.
I am so sorry for your sadness, and I am happy that your kitty got such a good home and loving caretakers.
I’m so sorry!! I had a cat die of FIP about 5 years ago. He was only 6 months old and was the most loving, cuddly happy little gray kitten. It took us a while to realize something was really wrong with him too and I also felt guilty about that at the time. I was agonized about putting him down but now I’m sure it was the right thing to do for him. Just thinking about him is making me tear up in my office right now!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but from what you wrote about your kitty I know you made sure he had a wonderful life and he must have been very happy to have spent his time with you.
I sent out a handful of (unrelated) professional emails a week ago, and only two of them have had any response. Part of me is thinking “Well, sure, everyone’s busy, it takes time, this is why you do time-sensitive things as far ahead as you can, well done, me” and part of me is turning into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, barking out “I’m not going to be IGNORED!”
I need advice on a weird situation. Long story short, Iโm a 30 year old virgin (Iโm not religious, Iโve never really dated anyone seriously and it kindaโฆnever happened for me). Iโve done hands on special parts kind of fooling around but have never even had/given oral. Iโm casually seeing a guy I met on Tinder (yeah, I know) and I know he is very interested in getting it on. I donโt really see a long term thing with him but I think I am fine with that. So, do I have to tell him Iโm new at this? Is it really going to hurt? How do you have the sex? What if I do it wrong? I have no problem insisting on condoms/not doing any acts Iโm uncomfortable with. Will I regret having first time sex with someone Iโm pretty sure I wonโt be with for a long time? Is this going to open a Pandoraโs box of sexual deviance (this might not be a bad thing)? I am really enjoying feeling desired and womanly so is this just a head trip? I canโt talk to my friends about it because Iโve allowed them to assume Iโm sexually active (not currently but in the past) and feel like a big dork about it. Tell me itโll be ok!
It will be okay!
You may love it or you may be disappointed. It may be due to his skill, or not. It may be due to your nerves or confusion, or not. Vaginas (and penises, and fingers) are all different, so it may hurt or it may not. You might regret not doing it with someone amazing, but I didn’t – I thought of it as a practice round.
You can say stuff like “It’s been a while,” instead of telling him that it’s actually been a never. If this is a casual thing, it might be better off to lie than tell him something that he will probably overanalyze a bunch.
Also, I have a friend who is 29 and a virgin, also with a “…. never happened” story, so, don’t feel alone. ๐
I love both this advice and that your friend is in the same boat! Thanks!
It’ll be OK! Ymmv, of course, but virginity is not the huge deal our culture makes it out to be. Whether it’ll hurt probably depends on how familiar your vagina is with having things inserted inside of it (I’m assuming vagina from the content of your comment but correct me if I’m wrong). You should definitely mention that it’s your first time to the guy, and his reaction will be a good gauge of his quality as a person! First times are almost always awkward and funny and weird, so if you’re into the dude, just go for it!
Thank you! I KNOW virginity isn’t a big deal but I feel like society in general doesn’t and the longer I wait the weirder I’ll feel about it and sex is something grownups do and have fun doing and I’m a woman and my lady parts want to have fun too! That run-on sentence is indicative of my mind space about it – at this point I want to do it so I don’t have a constant commentary of pros and cons in my brain and can think about something else!
I not so long ago was a 23 year old virgin (it also just never really happened), and I ended up sleeping with a guy I also met on tinder and everything was totally smooth sailing (I mean it wasn’t fantastic but everything turned out fine). I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to, nothing weird or terrible happened, and the world kept spinning. Also I was not with that guy for very long at all and I did not regret that one bit. You’ll be great!
This. Thank you.
You don’t HAVE to tell him you haven’t had sex, but I think you should. First of all, his reaction will tell you a lot about whether this is the sort of person you want to be having sex with at all. Second, you have an AMAZING advantage over the people who have sex for the first time at 15 or 17 because you know how to COMMUNICATE so much better than they do and I think that’s an advantage you shouldn’t throw away! Being able to say “I don’t really know what I’m doing and that freaks me out a little” is so freeing compared to trying to bluff your way through the experience.
If you want actual nuts and bolts physical advice, maybe you could check out http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality The site is geared at teens but I think it’s overall pretty solid for people new to sex.
P.S. If his reaction is “we’re going to rectify the situation right now,” you are dating Christian Grey and you should RUN
HAHAHA. Luckily, it’s a situation I would like to rectify but dudebro is not about to go Christian Grey on me (I hope). Thanks for the link, I kinda think he might not be all that experienced so there might be a little bit of mutual fumbling. Or I could be totally wrong but I have been to his place and it isn’t big enough for a play room or whatever they call it in 50 Shades.
It’ll be ok!
I hope your questions weren’t rhetorical, because I am going to answer them!
So, do I have to tell him Iโm new at this? No, you don’t have to tell him. You can, if you want to, but it’s not really his business.
Is it really going to hurt? Maybe? Probably not, especially if you have lots of foreplay and are relaxed and aroused. But it might, especially if you are tense or he is larger than average. Use lube, and go slow.
How do you have the sex? Use lube, go slow. ๐ Do what feels good! Communicate about what feels good – it doesn’t have to be explicit or dirty talk, but letting your partner know that you are enjoying what they are doing will a) help ensure they keep doing it and b) increase their enjoyment – I have never been with anyone, even the most selfish partner, who didn’t like to hear my enthusiasm.
What if I do it wrong? There’s not really a “wrong” as long as you both have a good time! You and he may have different likes/dislikes, and it may take time for you to figure out what your likes and preferences are, but liking something different doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
I have no problem insisting on condoms/not doing any acts Iโm uncomfortable with. Good!
Will I regret having first time sex with someone Iโm pretty sure I wonโt be with for a long time? Meh. Probably not – sex isn’t always magical, and sometimes it’s just about doing something that feels good with someone who is convenient. If it’s something you feel okay with now, you will probably continue to feel okay about it after it is over.
Is this going to open a Pandoraโs box of sexual deviance (this might not be a bad thing)? As someone who might be considered a sexual deviant in some circles, I’m going to say that it is probably not a bad thing! Hooking up with a guy may start a trend of casual sex for you, or it may not. Either way is okay! It is okay to want casual sex, and it is okay to want to only have sex with people you are in serious relationships with.
I am really enjoying feeling desired and womanly so is this just a head trip? The feeling of being desired and womanly can be intensely powerful, and can also make you FEEL very powerful, so I say enjoy it while it lasts. You found someone who wants to have sex with you and you seem to want to have sex with them, so if it makes you feel good, go for it!
I love that you took these questions literally! I’m kind of hoping it leads to at least a little bit of deviance. Go slow, lube, got it! Thanks
1. You don’t have to tell him anything you don’t want to, since you are not withholding info that can hurt him, like an STD.
2. There is no “doing it wrong”, short of ignoring consent. Whatever seems it will feel good, do that. Whatever did feel good, say so and do it some more. Whatever did not feel so good, say so and stop doing it. What feels good and what hurts can be different with different partners. Accept no limits, suspect all limits as tools of the patriarchy.
3. Pandora’s box, in sexual matters, is a tool of the patriarchy. What this will open is your well of experience. Sexual encounters tell you more about what you do and do not enjoy.
4. It’s good to feel desired and womanly. You deserve all the good feelings. Enjoy!
I love all of this. I know all the hype about hymen is a patriarchal tool, I’m ready to spit in the face of it!
As others have mentioned, it is different for everyone, but the pain was pretty minimal for me. As someone who had sex for the first time with someone ‘special,’ looking back I wouldn’t hesitate to have had sex for the first time with someone who wasn’t a long term thing. I am still having sex with my one and only, and often wish I had some other partners first (grass is always greener I guess) As long as you feel comfortable communicating your boundaries, which sounds like you do, I think if you want to have sex now, go for it!
I feel so supported, thank you!
I think this is the place to share my mother’s advice to me, when I lost my virginity in a one-night stand: “I think this is a really good time in your life to be having casual sex!”
For me, it didn’t hurt and I didn’t regret AT ALL that it wasn’t with someone special, and he never knew it was my first time, and it was all 100% okay!
^ 100% also my experience, and I was 28.
Haha, your mom is awesome, my mom literally gave abstinence lectures at every dinner ever growing up. I mean, she is awesome too but not in a sexual freedom sort of way. Your experience makes me feel better about it too, thank you for telling me that!
Here are a couple of other Scarleteen articles you might find useful (although geared maybe a little younger than you are, good advice nonetheless and I learned quite a bit there that I didn’t know about reproduction, bodies, etc., and I’m older than you are :P):
First Intercourse 101
Virginity in Context
I hope these help you!
Thank you!!!!!
Are you nervous about the sex itself, apart from the whole issue of knowing what you’re doing? The very most important thing you can do is chill out, because that relaxes your muscles and makes it less likely to be painful. If you need to tell him and get everything out in the open in order to relax, do it. I also lost my virginity late, and I told the guy I was a virgin. I’m very glad I did, because I was very tense and nervous and it took a couple of tries, and I can’t imagine trying to bluff my way through that. But everyone is different, and I was probably waaay more nervous than your average virgin.
But I think the most important question is one you should ask yourself: do you really really want to have sex with him? If so, go for it. If you’re just okay with the idea, and you like feeling attractive, but you’re not all that attracted to him yourself, I’d say wait for someone you’re really eager to have sex with.
Practice round!
It just takes care of this technicality,
you’ll never have to worry about telling a later, better guy that you haven’t done it (not that you need to worry! but clearly you’re thinking about it),
your first time [with anyone] won’t be the best sex you’ll ever have but you’ll have started.
It probably won’t hurt unless you’re really terrified/not excited.
Tell him if it’ll make you feel better, or tell him you’re not superexperienced, you can’t do it ‘wrong’ but you might feel like pre-explaining will help you not focus on that.
Also, yesterday we were driving and my 5-year old was playing Goat Simulator on the iPad when out of nowhere she yelled “BLAST HIM IN THE FACE, YO!” and then cackled maniacally.
Theoretta Rizing has more or less stuck to her guns as a mad-scientist-Moriarty type who needs to Know All The Things, which may also involve Stealing All The Things and/or Busting All The Heads. I excuse her occasional out-of-character forays as sowing confusion amongst her enemies.
People who have therapists that they like: where and how did you find them?
The last time I tried to find a psychiatrist (for medication management) through my insurance network, I wound up at this horrible “counseling” center where no one listened to what I had to say and shuffled me in and out within 20 minutes. I was so put off by it that I turned to a super expensive psychiatrist who doesn’t take insurance but who is great and helpful.
Now I’m realizing I have some stuff that’s messing me up and I would benefit from going back to weekly therapy. I went on therapistfinder.com (what a terrible domain name) and found all sorts of counselors who seem great, none of whom accept insurance and all of whom charge $100 an hour.
Any advice?
When I found mine, I asked my doctor for referrals. She had a list of therapists and their specialty areas, and I was able to find one from the list that was a good fit for me. If you can get a list like that and cross-reference it with a list of in-network therapists from your insurance company, that should be a good start.
Also, I would suggest making short, introductory appointments with a few and be clear with them (and yourself – this is the hardest part for me) that they are simply an introduction and you don’t have to go back to them if it’s not a good fit.
I found my therapist by looking at the websites of a few different therapy place in my city and looking at descriptions of therapists and what they specialize in. I really liked the website of this one place that felt very welcoming and progressive and nice, but they didn’t take my insurance. I still really wanted to go there so I called the place and it turns out they have intern therapists who have degrees but just need experience that were on a sliding scale and I found a really really great lady who helped me a lot. Personally I just felt a pull toward this particular place, so sometimes going with your gut works out! I would recommend checking out websites and seeing if you vibe with what they are saying, and if there are descriptions of therapists that would work well with you and whatever you are dealing with. Good luck!
Two strategies that have worked for me:
The primary care doc that I liked a lot gave me a referral to “the only *good* psychiatrist around here”. He was good.
I have liked every psychologist I have met whose online profile included something about welcoming gays and those in gender transition. I am not gay. I am not trans. But that’s what I look for. I am as common as can be: cis, straight, and white. But the fact that these counselors reached out to those without my privileges guaranteed they’d have an open mind, would actually listen, would be sensitive. And most important since I’ve been living in the South, it guarantees they’re not misogynists.
YES, this has worked for both me and Mr. Ipsum finding therapists in semi-rural Washington.
Also I look for folks who do email and I contact them with the main bullet points: childfree, not interested in talking about it; atheist, not interested in talking about it; sarcastic and swearing, not going to change. The couples therapist we now have said that she was delighted by my email and was like “oh boy I want to work with you!”
I go to a local place called Jewish Family Services and they’re great. I’m not Jewish, but they’re secular and serve the whole community, not just Jewish people. I pay $30 per appointment, but you can pay whatever you’re comfortable with, which is lovely. Maybe see if there’s something similar in your area? I’ve also heard that Catholic social services can be great, but where I live at least they tend to be kinda uptight and pushy about their beliefs, but obvi YMMV.
I’m curious, are you in Philadelphia (/Jersey/Delaware)? JFS is an organization around these parts (I’m in Philly) but I don’t know if they have branches in other areas or…?
If you are in Philly, what an awesome coincidence! I’ll have to check that out, especially because I am Jewish and love to donate my time/money to Jewish organizations :3
I’m not, but that’s awesome that there are similar organizations elsewhere! I’ve had nothing but wonderful experiences with all of the people involved.
Universities often have affordable programs that are run by PsyD students. I had fabulous luck with such programs — two years of twice weekly therapy, one year free, one year $5/session. And the therapists completely changed my life, for the better.
I had shit luck at counseling centers. I found those places, especially if they have walk-in service, often see really desperate people and aren’t good at just… regular therapy.
Good luck!
Thank you!! I live close to tons of universities so that’s definitely something I’ll look into.
And, yeah….there’s such a world of difference between counseling for acute mental health crisis and regular therapy. I am actually a counselor at a mental health crisis center, but I do it as a peer rather than a professional, and I know that I’d have no idea how to conduct regular therapy with someone who isn’t in acute crisis.
I found a great one by asking friends. One friend had a great therapist who also gave discounts (many therapists do give discounts) and he gave the name out. I’m sure there are at least 5 people in the same friend group who see this guy.
A lot of people gave you great advice, and I completely and utterly second RoseCamelia’s advice about, even if you’re NOT a member of a particular group, looking for people who specify they serve those communities may be a good clue about who they are.
I found my therapist via the doctor finder on Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist webpage – therapists.psychologytoday.com. They had a pretty big variety from step-above-yoga-instructors to PsyD’s with research cred.
I also used Psychology Today’s therapist search function, mostly because it allows you to search by insurance. I didn’t even allow myself to look at therapists who didn’t take my insurance. (I have a tendency to think that if I can’t afford something, it must be really great.) I searched on insurance and gender, then looked at individual websites. I let all my snap judgments come out, and didn’t try to convince myself that the person with the cheesy photo or woo-woo website could maybe be great. Nope, nope, nope. I made sessions with a few people who looked normal, and was explicit in setting them up that I was meeting with several different people to find a good fit.
I don’t love my therapist, but she’s good enough, and I trust her, which puts her in the top 10% for me. And with my insurance, she’s $25/session. I’d put off therapy because I assumed I couldn’t afford it, but nope, I couldn’t afford it because I was looking at therapists who didn’t take insurance.
By the way, any Toasties who are also Fannibals? I feel like the fandom has died a bit between seasons and I’m still as hyped up about it as I ever was, so my friends, even the ones who like the show, are sick of me talking about it :p
Totally a Fannibal! I’ve taken to stalking the entire cast and crew on Twitter (not really, but maybe kind of?) which seems to be helping with the crazy long wait for season 3.
Aaron Abrams (Zeller) is my favorite Twitter account ever.
I cannot BELIEVE this wait. I can only read so much weird Hannigram porn to fill the void, you know?
Yessssssssss!!!! I can’t believe the next season doesn’t start until the summer ๐
It’s killing me omg. And we’ve only gotten a few pictures from filming and a tiny teaser and WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS PAIN
Fannibal 4 lyfe!
Last week I had a nasty cough that came from deep in my chest and was, as they euphemistically put it on cough medicine labels, “productive”. This, coupled with the bitingly cold air that I encounter on my 20-minute walk to work, was apparently too much for my respiratory system. It was probably the moment that I stood on the frozen street, surrounded by banks of snow, doubled over in a coughing fit and frantically gasping icy air into my feeble lungs, that I decided I was officially Done With Winter.
The universe has thus far not heeded my demands, and here in Chicago there is nary a sign of spring. (Actually, the temperatures over the last few days were, as the email from my property manager put it, RECORD BREAKING COLD.) I mean, the sun now sets at 5:30 instead of 4:30, which is … better, but I would really like some warm.
A somewhat alarming Winter Habit that I’ve developed is online shopping. I have really never been one to spend money willy-nilly, but with being cooped up indoors and never having any fun (I’m in grad school) it just feels so good to treat myself to something pretty. This would be fine but I am also on a grad school budget (as well as supposedly saving up for some travel in the summer) so it needs to stop. But I can’t stop myself from browsing. And I’ve signed up to so many online stores that I get tantalising discount codes emailed to me like, every day. What are your strategies for putting aside the temptation?
1) if things are going to be out of your budget even with discounts, UNSUBSCRIBE. Or at least filter the emails so that they go to their own folder and not your main inbox.
2) Start yourself a wishlist. Amazon has a plugin for most browsers that will let you add things from anywhere on the internet, or you can start a pinterest board, or I am sure there are like 8 million other web-based wishlists out there in the world. When you find yourself tempted to buy something that you can’t afford or shouldn’t splurge on right now, pin it or put it on your wishlist. Then you have a link to it if you decide you really must have it, but you’re not spending the money.
3) If you are a person who is good at making/sticking to a budget, maybe see if there is a way that you can set aside a small portion for shopping? Then you don’t have to go cold turkey, but you have a framework to help keep it in control.
Seconding point #1! I have all of my “marketing” emails go to a specific folder in Gmail and rarely check it – that way, I won’t be tempted to go OOH PRETTY! and spend all of my money.
Oh, I’ve been there, my friend. Been there. One winter in Ottawa I was waiting for the bus at the crack of dawn, coughing my lungs out, doubled up and coughed up blood into a snowbank. It was then I figured I had better get my ass to the doctor. (It was okay, it was inflammation rather than, you know, TB, but it was pretty gross for a while there.)
And also, yes: the emails go into a separate Gmail folder. And I don’t know if it’ll help, but delete your credit card information from any sites you buy from frequently, and then make a habit of stowing your wallet somewhere besides Next To You. Honestly, I am so lazy that if I don’t have my information put in already and my purse is across the room, I won’t buy anything because I don’t want to bother putting in all my information. The laziness wins out.
Trapped under sleeping newborn. Baby #3 arrived unexpectedly in the early hours of the 7th due to my pregnancy hypertension. He’s settling in nicely here, but is still confused about the whole “sleeping at night” thing.
Another new Toast baby! Congratulations, though sorry that it was under rough health circumstances!
Eeeeee baby! Congrats! I hope you’re all doing well. <3
How’s your hypertension now? And happy baby!
The comment I am leaving right now is to reply to your statement to say, “This is so sad.”
My long distance boyfriend came to town for a week! It was so good. I am so confused as to what comes next and oddly enough enjoying the confusion. I feel in a huge rush and in no rush at all. So…that’s good. My life is also a crazy whirlwind of work and stuff.
I am little overwhelmed at the idea of Prince Harry dating Emma Watson.
WHAT! I don’t know how to feel about that.
I feel like she can do better than a prince?
Truth. http://www.womansday.com.au/celebrity/royals/2015…
I DON’T KNOW. HELP.
I also do not know how to feel about that. On the one hand, Harry does Things to my Pantsareas. On the other, he seems to be a garbage person and Emma Watson seems pretty cool.
I hope that she treats him in a similar fashion to the way RiRi is treating Leonardo DiCaprio.
WHAT???????
Wow, that is one heck of a situation! I will be of no help here, because kids would scare the ever-lovin’ shit out of me. Your other guys sound fun though!
TORONTO TOASTIES FOR THE WIN! We had a meet-up with Nicole (Cliffe) last February, and then there were a few more that I never made it out to, and then I think it kind of fell off everyone’s radar. But there’s a Facebook group you can join! https://www.facebook.com/groups/778422305518416/
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh you got to meet Nicole! Thank you! I’m way too excited to join. It’s just nice to know you ladies are out there.
My strategy is changing, but the current one is to plan dates at bakeries, so I can at least have something delicious ๐
Yes, and I was intimated by her arm muscles!ย
I like the way you think re: bakeries. My date strategy involves nachos, which usually works out well for me regardless of how the date turns out.
I don’t have my own Facebook, but I use a friend’s occasionally, and will try to lurk your group and crash your parties if I know of them in advance.
So, Toasties. I had a full-on mansplaining on Facebook this week. As in: somebody I went to grad school with repeated the argument from my MA thesis, (which I know he read, because I gave him a copy) to me. When I told him that was the subject of my MA thesis, he called me a Nazi. My MA thesis is about anti-Semitism in 17th century Europe.
Then it happened again later in the week, when a friend of mine tried to lecture me about how to approach Thomas Jefferson. I have an honors history degree from the University of Virginia.
Anyway I am totally through with social media, except for Instagram, (and that’s mostly because my feed is like 90% vintage clothing and bakelite collectors) and you guys.
Unfortunately it felt more like
Ughhhhhhhh ban men
Indeed. I work in a field that is full of “well-meaning” seminarians, so I have a pretty thick skin. I am generally impervious to that sort of shit, and kind of enjoy getting to lay the smackdown on old dudes who haven’t listened to what I’ve said/written. This, however, was just absurd, the first one because he went full godwin (he honestly compared me to Himmler. I’m half German, I’ve spent a good portion of my career teaching kids the historical-cultural background of antisemitism, and he was literally quoting my own argument back at me. I blocked him, which I’ve never done before), and the second one because this guy is usually pretty down (he actually apologized for his FB rant when I saw him IRL later this week). I just think the internet brings out the worst in people.
Toastrons! I am trying to read page proofs (for an article I wrote, my first “real” academic publication in quite a while, hooray!), and right now I’m in that headspace somewhere between “checking my own work for egregious typos is about as boring as boring can be”/”oh my God, what if all my citations are WRONG and I don’t catch it but then someone else does?” and “dammit, focus on how awesome it’ll be to put this on your CV!”
In other news, I went to a drag show on Valentine’s Day and watched a friend do a fabulous number to Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “I Put a Spell On You,” and we all mocked 50 Shades of Grey during the intermissions, and it was far and away the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had in years.
That’s awesome! And this is such a low-key post I wasn’t sure if I was reading this right, like, did this commenter really just produce a whole new human being?? Congratulations on being the most chill new mother ever.
Oh dang. ๐ My mom just told me that my step-grandmother, who is in her mid 90s and has been slowly slipping into dementia for several years, has finally been declared unfit to live alone. It’s a relief to the whole family, as she has been clearly a danger to herself for several years now, and she is extremely defensive about her condition. She’s refused every type of help that her family has offered, and she gets very angry at any implication that she cannot be fully independent. She doesn’t know yet – her son, my stepdad, is flying out to see her this weekend and help her with the transition to a nursing home – but we expect that she’s going to react very poorly.
I really hope she changes her mind about the nursing home, but if not then I hope for her sake that she passes away sooner than later. ๐ It’s so hard. She was such an amazing, brilliant person, and it’s got to be unbelievably difficult for her to be in the condition she’s in now.
Oh this is hard. We’re trying to transition Mr. Rose’s elderly mom. This is the second winter we have convinced her to spend with us. We’re extending each stay longer and longer. She needs to just straight up move in with us, but she cannot imagine it yet. So we manipulate her long winters. “But you can’t leave yet, you’ll miss my birthday.” “Your brother called to say he’s coming to visit you here at our house next month, so you can’t leave yet.” I think we’re getting through to her, since she has started fixing up her house as if to sell it soon. We’re afraid to mention it, though. But all the credit goes to the little dogs. She’s really just staying here in order to dote on her granddogs. Maybe your step-gram’s nursing home needs to get little dogs.
you are handling that so nicely! We are facing this problem with my husband’s mom, and alas we can’t do your solution because we live in a different country where she doesn’t speak the language and it would not be good, but it makes me happy to know you are out in the world doing this solution and handling it in such a sweet way!
Curly-haired Toastfriends, tell me your woes. I am fighting what seems to be a never ending battle against frizz. My hair is thick and curly and going gray, which means parts are even coarser and curlier. I just found a terrific conditioner and combined with a free sample of Devacurl gel I am somewhat presentable, but dry winter air and hats are Not Helping. I am already no-poo, don’t blow dry, and use an old, soft t-shirt as a hair drying towel. I may be interested in trying more Devacurl stuff based on the success of this sample. Anyone use it? I am starting to feel that my only option for truly silky hair is going back to regular shampoo and silicone additives ๐
Ohmygod, yes, I feel your pain. I have no real advice (sorry) but I’m going to follow this post and see if anyone suggests something good. Up until the last few weeks, coconut oil has been a great friend to me – and I’d still really recommend it, if you haven’t tried it – but recently I too have been losing the battle against frizz. Good luck, and commiserations!
A friend with curlier hair than I who is also no-poo said she had difficulty with the coconut oil leaving more behind on her hair than she usually liked. Do you use traditional shampoo to get it out?
Hmmm, I do use traditional shampoo, but I haven’t had the residue problem with coconut oil. I usually rub a few drops between my palms and then apply while my hair is still wet. For me, it works in the way that you don’t really notice anything *in* your hair after it dries (i.e. it doesn’t feel like you have product in it, or anything like that) but when I’ve forgotten to use it, my hair is really, drastically, noticeably drier and frizzier.
I have pretty curly hair naturally, and I went with the Devacurl stuff for a while. My hair really was very curly, but I could NEVER combat all the frizz. Never ever. It was a nonstop battle all summer (humidity) and all winter (dryness, hats, static) and I gaveup because I couldn’t handle the extreme frizz. I think at a certain point it’s a function of the very dry air and static and there’s a maximum to how much human intervention can do, really, because I TRIED. Oh lords, I tried.
Moroccan oil. It’s actually more of a cream than an oil, but that’s what it is called, and it is excellent as a de-frizzer, with added shininess benefits. It won’t weigh your hair down either. It is scented more than I like, but other than that it could not be better!
The way I deal with my curly frizzy hair is to let it do what it wants. Shampoo, moisturizing conditioner, blow dry with a side part. I love my puffy curls.
Acceptance, man.
At one point there was talk around here of starting a writing group? Assuming that’s something people are still interested in, what would it look like? I poked a bit for websites with infrastructure that would be helpful for hosting one, but didn’t find anything obvious. Would a Google Group be right? Just a forum? What do you guys think?
I was reading up on Shintoism a while ago and I found out that there’s a powerful goddess of the dawn called Ame-no-Uzume-no-Mikoto, whose epithets include HEAVENLY ALARMING FEMALE. How fantastic is that?! Now pretty tempted by my ancestral religion.
Went to an event today with someone I really admire since she’s an older woman who’s very successful in all the fields I’m interested in (literature, human rights, publishing). I had a great time in general but feeling a bit meh since I ended up having a big debate with her about trans* rights. The thing is she’s not transphobic as such — in fact she’s been very supportive of trans* rights. It’s just that for some reason she has a problem with the word ‘cis’ and that obviously raises so very loud alarm bells, being a characteristic of TERFs. I think I might have persuaded her a bit (“do you have a problem with people ever describing you as white?”) but I just find it all so frustrating — all these otherwise sensible, intelligent people… sigh. I just feel so bad for trans*people having to put with this.
Also, on a more I guess self-indulgent level, a) I feel quite disappointed and sad about her, and (b) it brings it back to the Charm article earlier this week. I knew that the more ‘charming’ thing to do would have been to be more diplomatic, less passionately disagreeing, less aggressive about my views. A part of me (which I feel a bit guilty about) wishes I could do that, that I could let things go. It would be easier. But I just can’t because I believe, ultimately, that you can’t say ‘well it’s not my battle’ just because you’re not the person affected. If you think something is wrong, then you have a duty to speak up — otherwise it’s resting on your privileges. Like if someone white just let a racist comment go — being non-white I don’t have that luxury and it’s everyone’s responsibility to create a social climate in which such views and comments are not considered ‘respectable’.
It’s possible your colleague had an experience similar to mine; the first time I encountered the term “cisgender” it was in a blog post and, not knowing what it meant but trying to infer from the comments, I asked. Someone did answer, but a bunch of commenters piled on with rude dismissals of my ignorance, after which, you know what? Not real inspired toward my usual sensitivity to nomenclature. I still ask or defer to whatever the person I’m communicating with prefers, but because of that experience I too have a negative association with “cis” that has nothing whatsoever to do with the concept it embodies.
Well, I don’t know. Usually defensiveness and a willingness to ignore one’s “usual sensitivity” towards marginalized populations should be cause for a pause and some introspection. Some people being mean to you on the internet* does not mean you get a free pass to be sorta kinda vaguely transphobic.
*Also, I’m sorry you got piled on, but was there a reason you could not have googled the term yourself instead of obliging the commenters in whatever space you were in to educate you?
Sorry for the late response! I have a couple, depending! For a healthy sandwich bread, here’s one go-to:
http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.ca/2011/05/whol…
Here’s one for French bread. I usually sub some of the flour out for buckwheat, which is healthier.
https://simplygluten-free.com/blog/2011/11/gluten…
Here’s a classic (their book is great!): http://www.artisanbreadinfive.com/category/gluten…
This weekend I went to a music festival, got in a moshpit, and at the end of a set I leaped up a stairway made of the backs of shirtless men who crouched on the ground before me until I was high enough to crowdsurf my way to the stage.
I just thought The Toast, more than anyone else I know, would appreciate the climbing a staircase of shirtless men bit.
Oh god we got engaged in Sept. and are shooting for Sept. 2016 and my fiancé did not understand why I wad started looking at wedding stuff already, even though he knows I am a) indecisive as fuck and b) do not have a Dream Wedding or really even an idea of what I want beyond "probably a Jewish ceremony, but Progressive or Reform (both concepts that basically do not exist where he's from)" and "I would like the venue to have some outdoor space because I keep visualizing outdoor space, but also some indoor space because what if the weather sucks/what if the weather is GLORIOUS the sun is my enemy". So when he decided he was ready to actually talk about wedding things "but it's still early", I said, hey, just for fun, let's price some venues/look at some dresses, and then he was on board with "probably we should start figuring this stuff out while we still have time to do it".
That does sound like a good compromise! ๐ And yes-I feel like all the Lois fans I know of are on the Toast, haha.
Hah! I had a dream last night that I was at an Oscars sponsors' party and I was talking to Jennifer Aniston about taco dough (in my dream, tacos were what empanadas are in reality – I have made neither) which we were making at a big fancy table with some other celebrities. Rihanna came and sat down next to me, wearing her giant pink dress from the Grammys, and I grilled her about dating Leo – "RiRi, he looks like a hairy toe these days. You can do so much better!"
She was not impressed.
I've been on both sides of this – generally do know where things are, although I have started telling everyone to "look, dammit – pick things up, put things down, move things around, it was there when I saw it last"
BUT!! I have also been the person asking for help looking for a thing because although I knew it was right there in front of me, my eyes were just drifting over it. So, yeah. Finding shit.
Uhhhh you were clearly sent here by a higher power because I am a super-pale redhead with pink skin and wear brown/gold eye makeup and TOTALLY need lipstick ideas! That one sounds like a good place to start!