Dear Femputer,
A: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Things have been going great between us, except for one thing: ever since I got a promotion at work two months ago, I’ve barely seen him. He says he’s excited for me, but whenever I get home late, he has a little comment to make about it. I know it will probably just take time, but is there anything I can do to help him understand that just because I’m doing well in my career doesn’t mean he’s going to start coming second in my life?
A: Kick him in the neck until there is no neck
Dear Femputer,
My husband is a great guy with one strange form of blindness: he can’t seem to notice if there are dirty dishes in the sink. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s been able to stroll into the kitchen, put his cups and plates in the sink, and then walk away like he’s finished the dishwashing process. He’s a great guy, really, Femputer. I’ve done everything I can think of — I’ve brought it up, I’ve pleaded, I’ve made a chore wheel (which made me feel more like his mother than his wife), I’ve washed his dishes for him — what do I do? The dishwasher is right there, Femputer! He’s so close to getting the dishes washed! How do I get him to take that final step?
A: Shove dishes in mouth until there is no mouth, only dishes
Dear Femputer,
I’ve been in a great relationship with a terrific guy for the last six years. He treats me really well and I’m really happy with him. The only problem is that I can’t seem to get him to help out around the house! He says he’s willing to do his part, but that my standards are too high, and if I want the sheets washed every two weeks, that’s my problem. Sometimes I think he pretends not to notice that it’s trash day or whether the sink has been cleaned so he doesn’t have to do it. He really is a great guy, Femputer. It’s just this one, constant problem. How can I help him understand that this is something that’s really important to me?
A: Hunt him with javelin until his neck is only blood
Dear Femputer,
How do I get my husband to —
A: NO HUSBAND
Death by snu-snu?
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
After reading the “Fuck Her Raw…” piece (which was equal parts amazing and blood pressure raising), I really needed this palette cleanser. My inner misandrist and feminist thank you.
The day Mallory stopped caring about whether she was passing the Turing test.
LENGTHY FEMPUTATIONS
Thank you femputer. Here, have some bath beads.
I would like my very own femputer, please.
Send to male co-habitator; when he asks “is this a threat?” Answer: “Yes.”
NO HUSBAND. I plan to troll the next person who assumes I am married (which happens all the time because why?) by pretending not to understand the word “husband”.
Stranger: “What does your husband do?”
Me: “My… house band? Oh, I don’t own a club.”
Perplexed smile.
Stranger: “No, your husband.”
Me: “Whose hand? I’m sorry…?”
Slight shake of the head, apologetic shrug.
Etc.
Do you have an air of harried and under-appreciated defeat about you?
THIS IS AMAZING. I am stealing it.
Anybody else think that the first one was a reference to The Devil Wears Prada? I like Femputer’s ending better.
Femputer!!! I hope these become regular. There are so many advice tropes to explore.
This speaks to me.
Ain’t gonna lie, DWIL can be a lot like a soothing Femputer. Black hole! Drop the rope! Two cards!
I have neither children nor inlaws of my own but I spent a good hour yesterday afternoon trolling the depths of the DWIL forum and it was great.
They’re so good at pointing out good boundaries!
I just lost another hour over there. I need to channel those ladies and put some boundaries between myself and that forum.
Wasn’t Femputer voiced by Bea Arthur? That makes this all the more wonderful to me.
I want this to be true so badly I am simply going to believe it.
It is absolutely true. Rejoice!
This just makes my Futurama-loving heart sing. This and the fact that so many Toasties also love the show.
This just makes my Futurama-loving heart sing. This and the fact that so many Toasties also love the show.
As others have said, YES and PLEASE MAKE THIS A REGULAR THING, MALLORY. <3
This sounds a lot like my advice when my straight friends come to me with their problems.
I misread the title as Advice From a Teleprompter, which would also no doubt be enjoyable.