So you have a closet full of these-weren’t-supposed-to-be-crop-tops and I-can-sleep-in-this-I-guess commemorative t-shirts from trips you weren’t invited on. My mom did, too. I was recruited to help her sift through clothing during a recent visit home, and we emerged with three garbage bags full of sundry goodies for the Salvation Army. As we worked, we came up with a list of songs to help us cover that crucial distance from discerning to ruthless. These are guaranteed to be effective, so let’s get to it, hoarders.
Scandal, “Goodbye to You”
Those times I wore all these clothes seem so long ago. An obvious choice, but a motivational one. Also, now you know that this song isn’t by Pat Benatar (I’ve been listening to it for years and I still typed “Pat Benatar”).
The Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Give It Away”
What I got I probably got it from my mama. She loves to buy peasant tops and then pass them to me. And every single one makes me look like a perforated floral circus tent.
Joni Mitchell, “Both Sides, Now”
I’ve looked at this dress from both sides now, from back and front, and still somehow it’s in my closet. I do recall this dress’s illusions, because I was stupendously drunk at the wedding I wore it to, but in the harsh light of day, it occurs to me that I really don’t know this fugly dress at all.
The Beatles, “With a Little Help from My Friends”
What would you do if I wore this outside? I’d pretend that I’ve never met you.
R. Kelly, “Trapped in the Closet”
“God, please, don’t let this man give me any more clothes to put in this closet.” The advantage of this one is that it’s a full-on hip-hopera. If you combine the sections (Chapters 1–12, 13–22, and 23–33), you’re flush with 133 minutes of clothes-sorting time.
Neil Young, “The Needle and the Damage Done”
It’s universally accepted that this song is about heroin use, but I posit the true inspiration for the lyrics has more to do with the piles of embroidered sweaters in my parents’ basement.
The Cranberries, “Linger”
You know I’m such a fool for shoes. Do you have to let them linger? No. No you don’t. Because they smell when it rains.
The Band, “The Weight”
My bag is sinkin’ low and I do believe it’s time to drive it down to Goodwill and take a tax-deductible load off. For free. Just put the load right on them.
Joy Division, “Atrocity Exhibition”
You’ll see the horrors of a faraway place—namely, the blue garbage bag of a prom dress I left in my closet when I first moved out of my parents’ house nine years ago.
The Byrds, “I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better”
After what you did (to my ass in that photo my “friend” posted yesterday), you can’t stay on, and I’ll definitely feel a whole lot better when you’re gone.
Pearl Jam, “Better Man”
She lies and says that she loves those jeans. Can’t find some better pants. Eddie Vedder almost definitely wrote this about a bad relationship with hand-me-down flannel shirts. Out with the old, in with the new. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF.
Modest Mouse, “Bury Me With It”
I just don’t need none of that Express bullshit. I clearly cannot be trusted to dress myself, so would you just please bury me with it?
Missy Elliott, “Pass That Dutch”
In the spirit of “How high was I when I bought this? Jesus Christ.” Plus the spirit of sharing!
Prince, “Raspberry Beret”
I have an actual raspberry beret? Give that shit to the secondhand store.
Tags: cleaning, lydia pudzianowski, moms, music
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I used to have a raspberry beret and I wore it with joy in my heart in the 1980s.
I coudl also have done with this playlist a few months back when I gutted my wardrobe. It was beautifully cathartic!
Just last night, my husband said “So, we need some more storage in our tiny apartment.” I said “Or we could get rid of some stuff. When’s the last time either of us used any of the stuff cluttering that big bookcase/armoire thing?”
He said, in the least judgmental tone possible, “That’s all your stuff. I never even look at it.”
YES, EXACTLY. So this weekend, I’m giving it allllllllll away.
OMG, I hard that last phrase to the tune of Phil Collins’ “Throwing It All Away,” which would be pretty perfectly theatic here too.
This is great! I just cleared out my closet using the Konmari-esque guideline that “if it doesn’t fill me with delight when I put it on, it’s getting donated” and it felt amazing.
I am so proud: someone offered me an article of clothing she’d bought and never worn that “you might find useful” and I (gently, gratefully) turned it down unseen, because I do not need any more clothing, and especially not clothing that doesn’t fill me with delight.
I have plenty of blandly useful clothing, and I rarely wear it; I need to get rid of some of that, not acquire more.
I have plenty of blandly useful clothing, and I rarely wear it
“Blandly useful” is a great descriptor for the bulk of what I got rid of. It took a fair bit of mental effort to turn “I don’t really like this shirt, but it’s not damaged or unflattering or anything, so I don’t have a reason to throw it out” into “This shirt is boring and makes me think ‘meh’ when I look in the mirror, so I don’t have a reason to keep it” – and it was a pain to try everything on – but it was worth it. Now I only have clothes I actually enjoy wearing!
I find it really difficult to get past the “it’s not damaged or unflattering so I don’t have a reason to throw it out” thing – if it still fits and doesn’t have holes or stains, it feels so wasteful to get rid of it (especially as I find buying clothes alarming. They are much more expensive than books!). But it’s why I have so many dull clothes I don’t care very much about.
OMG Express. Are they even still around, or did they cease to exist when I graduated from high school in 2001?
An Express just opened up at my mall a couple of months ago.
Yes this is precisely my weekend plan, thank you! Also on the playlist: Chilliwack’s My Girl, for the Gone Gone Gone refrain.
I’ve got Nina Simone on repeat, so I’ll put “Take Care of Business” and “Feeling Good” on my list.
I actually do a ruthless clothes sort twice a year, when I take one set of season-specific clothes out of storage and put the other away. Stuff doesn’t get to go into storage if I haven’t worn it all season, and it doesn’t graduate from storage to the closet if it no longer fits my body or my lifestyle. Both of which have experienced some radical changes in the last year or two, so there’s been a lot of culling. And very little guilt: from thrift stores thou art, unto thrift stores thou shalt return.
In the emptying of my mother-in-law’s house I found bellowed sea chanties to be effective, but that was above and beyond the closet things. I do like the idea of a whole playlist devoted to ditching objects.
I love that you have sea chanties to bellow. I should learn some. It’s a talent.
Ahh thank you! I needed this <3
My favorite: Things, by Frightened Rabbit. “Didn’t need these things, didn’t need them all, Pointless artifacts of mediocre past” delivered in a delightful brogue. Amen.
Thank you, SO MUCH, for not including “Let it Go” on this list.
This is perfect. I made a youtube playlist (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9XxyJs4QWfmPJTJ42OVQNMgANfqEbPL8) of everything but Raspberry Beret (because Prince doens’t exist on youtube?) and I’m going through my closet right now. The taller half is going to be stoked when he comes home and finds me actually discarding things.
taller half! I have one of those too, and I now know what to call him.
George Strait also wrote a great song called “Give it Away”, though obviously it is about heartbreak. And crushing a man’s soul. But maybe that’ll work for you? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akU0srKozdQ
I think country has a rich seam of “end of relationship/get rid of it all” songs. Whitney Duncan’s Burn It Down comes to mind – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcXji2wRyfQ
It really is confounding that Pat Benatar didn’t sing that damn song.
“Can’t find better pants” made me choke on my pita.
I think country has a rich seam of "end of relationship/get rid of it all" songs. Whitney Duncan's Burn It Down comes to mind – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcXji2wRyfQ
Hi Toasty friends!
Here’s a Spotify playlist to go with the list: https://open.spotify.com/user/122870765/playlist/…
1) I hope the late Joe Cocker is a suitable sub for the non-Spotifiable Beatles.
2) I’ve included Chapter 1 of “Trapped in the Closet.” You’re on your own from there.
3) If I did this correctly, it’s collaborative. Add your songs and get donatin’.
I do have a long-standing hatred of Joe Cocker covers of Beatles songs; however, desperate times, desperate measures and all that. Seriously though, Goddess bless you for making this list! I have been staring at all my slacks that don’t fit me, and feeling the spring air outside and thinking….yes, it’s that time, isn’t it?? Let’s do this thing. =D
Hi Toasty friends!
Here's a Spotify playlist to go with the list: https://open.spotify.com/user/122870765/playlist/…
1) I hope the late Joe Cocker is a suitable sub for the non-Spotifiable Beatles.
2) I've included Chapter 1 of "Trapped in the Closet." You're on your own from there.
3) If I did this correctly, it's collaborative. Add your songs and get donatin'.
Yes, Fatboy Slim’s “Old Pair of Jeans” should also be on that list. Or any breakup list.
I’m both disappointed and relieved not to see “Cleaning Out My Closet” by Eminem on here.
I always play “Thrift Shop” because that’s where the clothes are going.