Serious question: why is it so impossible to find tiny wild strawberries in the states? A kingdom for wild strawberries! Though I guess I’ll never see fruit now that it’s winter again. What’s your favorite kind of fruit that you eat rarely? Or is The Bartender the only one with senseless fruit longings? Open thread!!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
Halloween in April!
Inspired by yesterday’s Scare Yourself Silly and the “[Your Region] Gothic” meme that’s been going around tumblr, tell me the creepy stories about the places you call home! What ghost stories, taking place in these very woods, did you tell your friends at backyard campouts? What abandoned buildings did even the most reckless teens know to avoid exploring? True crime? False crime?? I want to hear your near and dear tales of horror.
Here’s my contribution: when I was living in Providence, I got into amateur mycology. Providence has a sub-tropical climate—read:bountiful humidity—which leads to the most diverse and incredible fungal diversity, and I got really into photographing all the interesting fruiting bodies I could find. Fly amanitas, devil’s teeth, honey fungus, you name it. Then one day, as I was walking up College Hill, I saw a proliferation of beautiful, perfectly white shelf fungi growing off the hollow trunk of a dead tree. I whipped out my phone and cued up the camera, and was about to shoot when I realized: these were not mushrooms, they were ears. Dozens and dozens of human ears, trailing up and around the rotting wood. I assumed they were plaster, but I wasn’t going to touch them to check. A few months later, the trunk, which had been left alone for at least the past three years, was pulverized into woodchips by the city. And that was that.
Ears? Or are the fungi learning to emulate us?
I don’t know any scary stories specific to my area (though i’m sure there are plenty. Bigfoots maybe?). I should look into that.
I actually wrote a [your region] Gothic for Central NJ! (here, in case anyone would like to read it)
I mean, NJ is chock full of stuff (see: Weird NJ) but I think the creepiest story that ever got passed around was the Jersey Devil. To this day I won’t drive through the Pinelands alone, day OR night.
EARS THOUGH, THAT IS FREAKY AS HELL
Growing up, I spent most of my summers at a day camp. There was a little cave up on a mountain, and every so often we got to gather in the cave and hear the tale of Rusty.
The cave itself was shaped like a Y, and the legend was that it had once been a mine. Not overly prosperous, and mostly mined by the children of the camp as a punishment. It was overseen by old Rusty who was particularly cruel. There were a couple of kids who were just in trouble all the time and, naturally, spent about half their summers working in this mine growing more and more discontent, until they finally came up with a plan. When Rusty sent them into the mine, they went down the tunnel that had already been all mined out and waiting for Rusty to come looking for them. When he was down at the very end of the active tunnel, which was over a mile long, they ran and caused a cave in, trapping Rusty in the mine forever.
But Rusty didn’t die. He was too evil. He ate the bats that lived in the cave and drank the limestone water that dripped down, which was all very nutritious and kept him alive and wanting revenge.
At this point the counselor would start knocking rocks and stuff off the wall (the story was told in pitch black) claiming that it was Rusty, trying to break out of his prison. And all the kids would run out of the cave before Rusty could get them.
My proudest moment was when I’d been at camp long enough that I got to help with the rockslide at the end and spun a story about actually getting captured by Rusty to explain my lateness in returning to the group.
This is true.
I was at my best-friend-in-high school’s house in rural Minnesota. I was up in her room, waiting for her to return while she was outside helping her mom with something. So I heard noises downstairs and someone, I assumed to be my friend, running up the stairs. I called out to her ”–Hey! Do you want to go to Jen’s house?” but she didn’t answer. I walked out of her room and no one was there. I looked outside, and she and her mom were still out by the barn.
I freaked out and ran downstairs and outside. I told my friend what had happened. She said the house was haunted.
She then showed me a trail of blood going down the hall and into her sister’s room, where there was a pool of blood that had soaked through the hardwood.
The story was that a young man had just returned home from a psychiatric hospital. He lived in the house with his parents. One day, he went into the barn and came back out with an ax. He went into the house and caught his mother in the foyer, and he hacked her to death. He went to a closet and got a shotgun and chased his father upstairs, down the hall and shot him to death. He then went into the bedroom and hung himself.
The sounds I heard on the stairs were the father running up the stairs, and the noise I heard was the mom and dad yelling and screaming.
Whenever my friend was alone in the house, she would call me and tell me to come over. I had never understood before that why she was so scared to be alone there, but after that day, I did. I’d come over, and she was usually outside waiting anxiously for me to get there. I asked my step-dad about the story, whether it was true or not, and he said that yeah, it was a huge thing when it happened.
( I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my 30’s and after that my step-dad always seemed to watch me with this scared look on his face, as if I was going to lose my shit and attack him … . One day, out of spite, I asked him “so, the ax is in the pole barn? Good to know.” I wouldn’t lose my shit, but I could be evil. )
I had not heard about the gothic meme until yesterday, when my friend sent me a gothic meme on law school and I am completely in love with it, it is perfect. Shameless promotion of friends:
You craved power, once, and now the quest will destroy you from the inside out. It infects you, that smell of stone and old books, moral decline and ivory tower oblivion; it still oozes from your pores once you escape into the sunlight.
Law School: A Gothic Horror
That is so glorious and weird and creepy. I love it.
When I was a young teenager, I had a Very Strange Experience. At this time, I lived with my mother, my adult sister, her toddler daughter, her infant son, and my toddler brother. I was woken up by someone knocking on my door in the wee hours of the morning and got up to answer the door. It was my toddler niece, who’d come to my door because she had a bad dream (and for some reason I was the one to bug instead of a grownup?).
Then there was the sound. It was a loud, awful scraping sound, which I’d liken to throwing a cat into an empty bathtub and its claws scrambling in helpless rage at the porcelain. My niece leaped into my arms and she and I rushed out into the hall. My mother–holding my baby brother–and my sister came out into the hall as well. We all stood there, confused and unsure of what the hell was going on. As a group, we walked out into the living room and looked around. Then we heard the sound again, even louder. My sister freaked out because she’d left her baby alone and sent me to go into her room to retrieve him (because once again I was the one to bug instead of a grownup?). I went into the room to get him and the door slammed behind me. My mother pushed it open and felt resistance against it, but of course wouldn’t actually enter the room to figure out what was going on and just sort of leaned into it to hold the door from the hallway. My life, apparently, is the expendable one in the family.
So I got my baby nephew and we all moved as one big scared lump toward the front door. We opened the door and…the porch light went out. Just POOF. OUT. I think at this point there might have been some screaming and running. At any rate, we all went for the kitchen instead. As we stood in the kitchen we heard weird rustling and rattling and other sounds, but still couldn’t figure out what the sound was. My mom called my aunt to come and pick us up. When she pulled up outside, we ran out the back door and climbed in her car and went to her house.
We checked everywhere we could for some indication of a storm or an earthquake, but couldn’t find any. When we went back to the house, we discovered that a number of pictures off the dining room wall were gone and left behind were big black streaks on the wall, as if their felt backings had been scraped off by being dragged around in circles against it. The pictures themselves were discovered tucked under (???) the cords for the desktop computer. Some experimentation found that the sound of a picture frame scraping hard against the wall produced the sound we heard, but we still haven’t been able to explain how it happened.
No earthquake, everybody in the house accounted for when the sound happened. The door slamming might have been from an air pressure change, even though the house didn’t have central air or heat. The light going out on the porch was likely just a coincidence. But those damn pictures…
Oh my gosh this sent shivers down my spine! You’re so brave, and it’s really cute and lovely that your niece and nephew could count on you as a protector. But yeah, also scary as heck. Do the kids remember that night at all?
My niece remembers a little bit about it being scary and mysterious, but probably any specific details she recalls by now are just from the retelling! My brother and nephew must have been too little to remember at all.
My favorite scary stories came from my elementary school librarian, Mrs. Torres. On rainy days when we couldn’t play, she would always give us the option to either watch a movie in the library or listen to her tell stories. She was the best. Here is my favorite:
A long time ago, when our grandparents were young, the town was much smaller than it is now. A young man and his parents moved to a house a couple miles outside of town from California. They were a poor-ish family, so the young man would walk into town to go to school. He didn’t socialize much with the other teenagers, because he never had any money. Every day, as he walked, he would pass a house, set apart a little way from the road. It was old, not very well taken care of, and everyone in town new that an old widow, Señora Gomez, lived there. One day, the young man saw a beautiful young woman sitting on the porch of the old house, rocking back and forth in a rocking chair. He waved and smiled, and she smiled back. Each day, he would wave and smile at the girl, and she would only smile back. This went on for a couple of months, until he finally got up the courage to go up to the house and talk to her. He asked her name. It was Maria (of course it was, just go with it). He asked why he never saw her at school. She had to stay and help her mother, the old widow. They talked briefly every day after that, and eventually the young man fell in love. At school, there was an announcement for a fall dance. Everyone was excited, and so was the young man. He knew just who he wanted to ask, and he did. Maria shyly agreed.
The night of the dance came, and the young man walked to Maria’s house to pick her up. She was wearing a beautiful pink dress, with a large pink rose in her black hair. They went to the dance, where there were many whispers about the unknown girl in the pink dress.The young man didn’t pay any attention to any of it, even when he overheard some of the other girls at the school mention how old-fashioned Maria’s dress was. He and Maria danced the whole night. They had never been happier. He walked her home, and let her wear his jacket because she was cold. She offered to give it back as he left her at the porch, but he insisted he would pick it up the next day. She seemed sad, but the young man didn’t pay attention. He was thrilled and in love.
He barely slept. The next morning he half-ran to Maria’s house to see her again. But the porch was empty. She must still be sleeping. And so he knocked. And knocked again. At last, old Señora Gomez opened the door and asked what he wanted. To see Maria. The woman’s face went white as the young man told her about the wonderful time they had at the dance the previous night. When he was finished, she took a deep breath. “Come with me, mijo.” He follwed the widow around to the back of the house. There was a small yard, with a large and very old piñon tree. Señora Gomez began to tell the young man about her family – the daughter who died so young, her husband carried off by grief – but the young man heard very little. Beneath the tree lay his jacket, a large pink rose tucked in the lapel. It was laying on a simple headstone, with the name Maria carved into its side.
This is not very scary, but it is my favorite local ghost story:
When the Great Storm of 1900 hit Galveston, one of the many places that was completely destroyed was St. Mary’s Orphanage, located at what’s now 69th and Seawall. The nuns and the children, having nowhere else to go, had sheltered on the upper floor of one of the dormitories, and when the building was washed away, nearly all of them were killed. Decades later, a Wal-Mart Supercenter was built at 69th and Seawall… and immediately people began finding the toy department in disarray, no matter how recently it had been straightened up, and hearing children’s voices just around the corner even when the aisles were empty.
(I’m working on a Texas Gothic post for my Tumblr, but I can only think of like 3 things.)
Those ghost children must be so happy!
I found it easier to break it down by region (instead of the entirety of NJ, I focused on just central) – maybe break it out into an area that you are more familiar with? One of the big cities?
When I lived in upstate NY, I spent a summer living/working at my boss’s house (she owned a gift shop in town as well as an old Victorian house that was both her residence and a b&b during the summers), since my girlfriend was in DC for the summer on an internship and the place we had been living (along with where we were slated to move in the fall) had been turned into ultra-expensive summer rentals for vacationing families. I’d heard from my boss’s daughter that the place was haunted, but didn’t quite believe it.
At least not until the morning we found her dog in one of the guest rooms behind a locked and bolted door (a door that had been so for a week). “Oh,” my boss said. “That was probably the children who show up sometimes. I think they miss having a pet.” Apparently, the family who lived there back when it was first built had had two children die of…cholera, I think? in the room we found the dog in.
There was also a malevolent ghost who haunted the maid’s quarters on the third floor, which conveniently was also where my boss put me up all summer long. Outside of one night when something started shaking my bed and side table in a distinct pattern and rhythm, I actually didn’t have any problems with it, which I’m glad of. That said, the few times I had to be alone in the house when my boss was off on an overnight business trip, I made sure to make a verbal pact with it (“Hi, ghost, I am going to bed now, and it’s just you, and me, and the dog up here. Please let me sleep, thanks.”) just in case.
I have experienced one unexplained event that isn’t really scary, but is slightly creepy.
I was back home visiting family and was staying at my boyfriend’s mom’s house, which is an older almost farmhouse-feeling house in the woods. We left the house to go to the grocery store and when we got back, a mug had mysteriously moved from sitting on a shelf about 3 feet above the ground, to sitting in the middle of the floor as though someone had placed it there. All of the many other objects on the shelf were undisturbed.
Neither my boyfriend nor his mom seemed too concerned about it, but I was so intrigued as to how it got there! Ghost? Animal? Random stranger who broke into the house? I will never know.
I love these!
Here in Hawaii, we have what we call the Night Marchers. These are ghostly processions of ancient Hawaiian warriors who rise on certain nights and march along a path that they knew in life, being led by their king. If you happen to be in their path, they will kill you, unless you quickly undress and lie face-down on the ground – this would be so shameful that you would no longer be worth killing. You could also be protected if one of your ancestors happened to be in the march, but the odds of that happening always seemed way too slim to me.
I’ve also heard that our state capitol is haunted by our last reigning Queen, so – no joke – part of the reason I took Hawaiian language during high school was in case I ever came across her, or Pele (our lava goddess), or night marchers, I’d be able to converse a little with them.
Ooh, I have a story! And I think I remember most, if not all, of it. So, I went to a sleep-away camp in my early teens, and across the lake from the camp was a stone chimney – the remnant of the previous owners’ house. The camp lore was that no one could get a picture of it on film (this was before cell phone cameras, natch) and that any photo of it would only show a black shadow. Aaaaand if you camped there, at night you could hear the ghosts of the house’s former occupants.
The story was that a farming family lived there. One day, the husband? was out chopping wood but he didn’t have any food with him, so when he got hungry he ate some berries he’d found. Little did he know that the berries were poisonous – And as he ate them on his way home, he went more and more insane, until he got back to his cabin and proceeded to hack his family to death in his madness. The town’s people captured him and burnt down the house as punishment/to cleanse the area.
At the time, I believe all of this 100%.
The state prison, weirdly, was in the middle of downtown in my historical state capitol home town until like 5 years ago. It is very haunted, and so is the women’s prison across the river. No interesting stories, just $75 overnight ghost tours.
So when I was a single young adult in my twenties and going through my dabbling-in-tarot cards phase, we lived in a 3rd floor walk up in the “alternative, used to be the hippie hangout” part of town in a slumlord building. The super was always high and the roaches were …very, very large, but not quite NYC large. Anyway, I lost my job, my boyfriend wasn’t proposing (and I knew he had the ring), I either had to get another job or go back to school. So I read the tarot and it very clearly came up “death/rebirth”. Weird. Had a small panic attack, took a walk, had some tea, boyfriend came home. Read HIS cards….same message.
So, the weird super had some friend who was homeless but apparently at some point had saved his life, so he illegally cleaned out a basement apartment and gave her free rent. She would always hang out on a chair on the fire escape so that when you climbed the back fire escape from the parking lot to your apartment after work we’d stop and make small talk. She was pretty sick from being homeless so long.
Well, after my boyfriend’s cards had the same message, we got the friends from across the hall to come and I read the cards again, and they said the same thing. It was very very unsettling at that point, as we knew it wasn’t reading US. But it was the same message every time.
It turns out the super’s friend had TB and died that same night, but nobody found her until he checked on her the next morning.
I have never read tarot since then. NOPE.
Oh, how sad and awful. Obviously, death/rebirth cards aren’t supposed to be literal normally, but…yeah. I’d be a bit wary about touching them again, too.
Yeah, it was sad, but then, what if he hadn’t found her when he did and gotten her a place to live? She died being taken care of, even if he wasn’t there at the actual moment. So it was a better death than it could have been.
I should eat kiwi fruit much, much more frequently than I actually do.
Hello, Toasties! I am having A Week at work, but the upside is that our fantastic legendary sandwich shop opened up today, so I am daintily nibbling at a turkey-cucumber-tomato-herb mayo-brie-housemade pretzel bun thing. It is spectacular.
So, what’s getting you through the week?
I just finished the Mycroft/Lestrade fic at 12:30 am last night and now I’m devastated because IT’S OVER AND I WANT MORE.
ngl, I immediately started it over again when I finished it. And I am still thinking about it probably more than is good for me OH WELL NO REGRETS.
That sounds like an excellent plan, I shall do that when I finish the silly The 100 fic I decided to read to try and get me through the day.
Ooh, link? I am shamelessly addicted to The 100 and am on the lookout for good authors in fandom.
It’s Bellamy/Clarke AU, please don’t judge me.
Thank you! I know what I’m reading on my commute home tonight!
Apparently B/C AUs are my shit, because I’ve been reading a LOT of them recently. Let me know if you want any more recs- some of them are really good, but some of them…not so much.
That would be great! I love AUs, and for some reason I’ve been having trouble finding many that I like by just sorting the AO3 entries by bookmarks/kudos. Bring on the recs!
HERE WE GO:
i’m not asking much of you: Bellamy pretends to be Clarke’s date to Finn’s wedding. Not the best writing, but still enjoyable.
home is where the heart is: Clarke’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere Georgia and Bellamy comes to her rescue
We Are Undone By Each Other: Bellamy and Clarke are archaeologists who have been working at the same site for years. THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY
Slow It Down: God bless the unplanned pregnancy trope.
Oh man, that fic. It was amazing. I’m tempted to read all of the author’s other fics, even if I’m not in the fandom they’re associated with, simply because it was so well written.
Legitimately the only thing I am sad about re: that fic is that I will never again have the experience of reading it for the first time.
Also I am not really a fanfic person, and that story made me want to be, but also know that like 99.999% of the remaining fanfic in existence won’t even come close to measuring up.
There are some that might. I’ve read my fair share of really shitty fic, but I’ve also read some that are mind-bendingly good.
I agree with the feeling of sadness that I will never read it for the first time again. I’m trying to make all my friends read it so that they get to experience what I can no longer experience.
Do it! rageprufrock is amazing.
ME TOO ME TOO. I didn’t even turn on the tv last night, I was so motivated to finish it. Obsessed.
I finished it last night too! So o so good. Can we get the author to write a sequel?
I waaaaaaaant this.
(I may or may not be reading it for a THIRD time in between trying to put together meeting notes what is the matter with me)
The next step is reading everything rageprufrock has ever written, which is no hardship.
I found this on the otter-batch tumblr and it has helped me with my week.
this is amazing, thank you forever
This is so good. I love that she’s such a stan for him.
Two words: GOLDEN. KIWI.
So much superior to regular kiwi.
I have acquired a proper grown-up bike! My first one ever (if you don’t count a “Gnome-3” tricycle manufactured in the Soviet Union).
So, what tradional accoutrements do I need? Sparkly streamers, pink basket, plastic flowers…? I already have a lock, lights, a rear view mirror, and reflecting thingies for the spokes.
Get a bell. Sometimes you just don’t want to shout at people that you’re on their left, especially when it’s windy out. A bell (or horn) helps with that.
A bell? I’m pretty sure they’re available in sparkly pink.
depending on how far you go, some padded shorts
Baskets are amazing. Or, get a lovely biking backpack!
Yes, a basket! Front or back, they’re so handy. And bells come in all kinds of colours/designs now, so you can pick something fun.
I have a basket and a pannier bag so that I can carry each and every thing I’ll ever need. Speaking of baskets, I kinda want to replace my boring wicker one with one of these – http://houseoftalents.com/shop/product-category/b….
Those are beautiful baskets. I want one now.
I don’t have a basket, I have panniers (these ones: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/546131892283014447/… that are boringly practical (but are very practical — I can fit a tonne of stuff in them).
Also, to the original question, if your bike does not have fenders, I highly recommend getting some. It makes biking in the rain (or leftover puddles) so much more pleasant.
I think having a bike computer is fun. I’m not a very serious rider, but it’s kind of cool to see how far I’ve ridden, how fast I’m going, etc.
Milk crate for a basket! A cop once told me that bikes with junky milk crates on them are less likely to be stolen, so I rock a gross old yellow crate on my fancy road bike.
Good idea! I’ll probably just get a wooden wine crate instead, they’re easier to find.
Maybe a pump to keep your tires inflated? Riding on underinflated tires is too much work and can lead to flats! I have one similar to this ($35 on amazon), although you can probably find them cheaper.
If your bikes a halfway decent one (or maybe even if it’s not) get an additional heavy cable to go through the other wheel that loops through your U lock (you do have a U lock, right? Any others are junk). Also if you have an expensive seat, you should lock it onto the post permanently with a light cable and lock. Get grease for your pedals (to keep them from squeaking) and decent wax for your chain (also called chain lubricant) at a bike shop and use both frequently, especially if your bike gets wet.
Are you going to stick a baseball (or other) card to the spokes of your bike to warn oblivious pedestrians by using the doppler effect to warn of your approach?
IT’S DAREDEVIL DAAAAY
I actually won’t get to watch until I get home from lab today, but then it is ALL DAREDEVIL UNTIL I FINISH SOMETIME TOMORROW. THERE WILL BE GF PIZZA AND BEER AND MY BODY IS READY.
And then we get Jessica Jones and Luke Cage and JDJDHDSAKLGKJLGFJKFJKDJKLDSF i have a lot of feelings about Marvel characters
Daredevil! So excited! Our plan for tonight is homemade pizza and Daredevil binging.
Yay!!! We’re doing pasta instead of pizza, but I am SOOOOOO looking forward to tonight! YAY!
I took the day off today, and it was at least in part because of DD-day. Only watched 2 so far, but the end of that 2nd episode is sooooo good.
I saw The Mountain Goats last night. Anyone else seeing them on this tour?
I was at that show!! Holy crap so good.
Yes!
I see them Tuesday! I’m so excited!! But I preordered the CD and it STILL hasn’t arrived, thanks Merge Records…
I live in a teeny-tiny apartment, so I bought the MP3 album.
I was there too!!
Awesome!
So many of my friends went last night! I have no idea who they are :/ What are your favorite songs by them so I can gobble them up??
When people talk about The Mountain Goats, they mainly mean John Darnielle, who you can follow on Twitter or Tumblr, if you’re interested. The Mountain Goats have, last I think I heard, something like over 600 songs, so everyone’s going to have a different answer to favorites. I got into them when Heretic Pride was their latest album, and I think that’s probably one of their more accessible ones. My favorite Mountain Goat album is All Hail West Texas. But with so many songs, no one album is going to have all your favorites.
The Mountain Goats are a band that are really special when you see live. So I might start by watching concert videos on youtube. Here’s some of my favorites live:
This Year: https://youtu.be/ok1dve7Fp9E
Broom People: https://youtu.be/x4MYlxUspIY
No Children: https://youtu.be/JPy_fiv3sAw
Love Love Love: https://youtu.be/8fyBdfoehwo
Dance Music: https://youtu.be/8YizW2G4xSY
The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton: https://youtu.be/G_FNcW3GThY
You Were Cool: https://youtu.be/3flgL7_5wkQ
(My favorites tend to be show-closing, anthem-y songs, so you should see what else your friends rec.)
I’m hoping to and you just reminded me that I haven’t bought tickets yet because I keep meaning to buy them from the venue but I never manage to get over that way. I’m about to suck it up and pay the dumb fees now
SHIT NO NO NO JINXIE YOU IDIOT THEY ARE SOLD OUT NOW
Do I want them badly enough to pay double for them? It’s some TicketMaster+ thing or something and they’re letting people resale tickets which is BULLSHIT because it’s just TM sanctioned scalping. Fuck, man.
One of the “perks” of being in NYC is that everything sells out pretty much immediately, so I totally feel you.
I am seeing them when they come to SF! I am very excited though I wish the show was sooner.
Going in Chicago next week and I already want to cry
Seeing them on Monday! I’m so excited!
i ate an early nectarine yesterday and it was subpar but worth it.
toasties, it’s your last chance to give me new orleans recommendations, as i am leaving mid-week! your suggestions from when i asked this about a month ago have been very helpful in planning, but i figured there was no harm in me asking again!
EAT AT COOP’S PLACE. there may be a line out the door but it’s WORTH IT. there was a dish called… I think “tchoupitoulas”? anyway sometimes I still dream about it. heavenly.
this is definitely on my list! my coworker has a story about buying a fried shrimp poboy there, and receiving a plate that just looked piled with shrimp. when he expressed his confusion to the waitress, she said, “don’t worry, honey, there’s bread under there.” MY KINDA PLACE
There’s a cafe called Somthing Else Cafe in NOLA, it’s right in the French Quarter and they had the most amazing french toast in the world. Also, their coffee was lovely. As for things to do, it depends on what you like. There’s a little bit of everything. Personally, my favorite thing was the cemeteries.
someone may have already recommended this to you, but — the doberge cake at cafe amélie, or its annex, petite amélie. it has NINE LAYERS (!)
Green Goddess in the French Quarter, if you’re into modern cuisine (with a New Orleans twist).
Hey everyone!
My beau and I are considering joining fetlife. I figured this place may be a treasure trove of stories and reviews of it and what I can expect. We’re not SUPER kinky, but we’re definitely into some stuff that’s a bit outside the “norm” (threesomes, exhibitionism, light BDSM) and I think our goal is to find some more like-minded individuals to be inspired by and possibly play with. ALSO, I work in healthcare, and I think we want to proceed with caution so as not to jeopardize my career, if that’s a thing? Thoughts?
My friend is in a similar situation re: being worried about jeopardizing her career (she is a baby lawyer). She wanted to attend this kink speed dating event and then got paranoid when she found out that the organizer was also a lawyer. I had to talk her into going anyway and she had a good time and met a few good prospects. It might be worth it to investigate any similar events going on in your area!
I was on fetlife for maybe six months, tops, so I do not have a whole lot to draw on here, but my experiences were… not great. I dunno, it was a bit much for me, but ymmv!
If you are at all concerned about a social networking site affecting your career, it’s probably a good idea to not get on said site, but there are definitely ways to protect your identity.
joining in to see replies – I wonder if the whole “community” aspect of the site helps maintain a sort of sensibility about the confidentiality? Does that make sense?
*Waves* I’m on fetlife, have been for several years, have met friends and partners as a result. Some thoughts:
–You are definitely not the only one with a sensitive career, or who prefers to be discreet. This is very common, as is etiquette along the lines of not sharing legal names, home address, job information. This is not to say everyone gets it, but a lot of us use a pseudonym, don’t talk about our jobs at fet events, don’t post pictures we could be easily identified from, etc. I would err on the paranoid side at first, since you can always open up more later but pictures on the internet are forever.
–Portions of the site/community are terrible, largely because people are terrible on the internet. Avoid and block freely! Do not feel any obligation to respond to unsolicited messages! But don’t let it discourage you either – there are a lot of great people there too.
–I have found it most valuable for informing me about events taking place offline, then meeting people at those events. How well this works depends on part on where you live, but the site is well organized to help you find events near you. I know that’s more intimidating than posting on boards and exchanging messages, but really truly, for meeting like-minded folks you’ll get 10 times more out of going to a munch or two.
— I’m talking about events where you would probably not be doing kinky things, but rather a pub night, or a class, or a book club, or a casual social meetup (munch) where everyone knows that everyone else is kinky and the point is to meet like-minded folks, but you may or may not even discuss BDSM
–A general note I guess: fetlife really is more like facebook than okcupid – really not a personals site.
Good luck!
Hi! Also on Fetlife, which I don’t mind admitting because I mostly use it to make friends who are cool and open-minded, and find models for photoshoots / offer my services for kinky personal photos
This is an awkward time to talk about this — today it was revealed that someone exposed a security flaw in the system, scraped the database, and published usernames, ages, and locations of a bunch of women under 30.
Soooooooooo not really sure what to tell you. Make a throwaway email address, put up some non-face pics, create an account for yourselves as a couple, not as individuals, and make it out to some of the friendlier social events (“munches”) rather than using it as a dating site. It’s really scummy for single women.
You will enjoy it a lot more if you make friends, go to some board game nights, etc., and then use those social connections to find out which are the best play parties. Don’t just go to kinky parties advertised on the site, not without someone you know and trust telling you which ones are best. (Reach out to munch organizers as well – they are generally the best people to know first.)
been on FL for a few years.
i’ve never met anyone online there and moved it to a real life situation. i use it mainly to stay in touch with people i already know IRL. as LilyR said, it’s more analogous to fabebook than okcupid.
it’s a great resource for local events, though. munches and play parties and the like. there’s a huge calender of events. it’s also a fabulous reading resource. tons and tons or archived information.
We had wild strawberries in the backyard where I grew up. Mostly stolen by deer and raccoons, but they were very pretty. No idea why they’re rare now other than the general crowding out of things by other things.
Tea-loving Toasties, were any of you members of Yogi Tea’s Tea of the Month club and just compulsive enough to save the literature that came with food, meditation and yoga tips for each month? I have five of them, but am seeking copies for February, and then July through December for a year full of advisory twaddle. I won’t just pay you for copies and postage, there’s some kind of care package taking shape in my mind as well. I’ve been looking for these things forever, and the Yogis are surprisingly unhelpful. Thanks and thanks again.
We used to have a strawberry patch in our backyard that produced the loveliest, tastiest little strawberries. Unfortunately, some fucker of a weed moved in and took over the bed, despite my back-breaking attempts at weeding every weekend. Eventually we just gave up, rototilled the bed and turned it into grass. *sob*
My sometimes-fruit are fresh figs; they are super hard to come by but oh, are they delicious!
Toasties, I am going to a MINERAL SHOW this weekend and my geology degree combined with my recent fascination with Steven Universe is definitely going to have me dropping a lot of coin.
Does anyone feel like talking about Steven Universe? I’m absorbed, I swear to god, I haven’t gotten this into a show in forever. So much so that I threw out one of my cosplay ideas just to be able to cosplay Jasper for AnimeNext. Yessss.
haven’t watched Steven Universe yet, but OMG MINERAL SHOWS ROCK (sorry)!!
No seriously though, mineral shows are amazing and I am jealous
SO HYPED! I was rambling about it on Twitter this morning, but they’re going to have a whole huge display of fluorescent minerals from the Franklin/Sterling Hill mines around here and they are my f a v o r i t e. I can’t wait to glow under UV light with rad minerals!!
sweeet, I love florescents 😀
I have a fig tree in my yard. They all go to waste because the tiny tiny seeds creep me out. Come and get them! (in a few months, you know, when they exist…)
I love fresh figs so much. The building I moved into has a lone little fig tree in the tiny ‘garden’ (woodchip depository) just outside the entryway, and when I moved in toward the end of their season last fall I would pluck one off every time I came and left my apartment. I would look down at the tree out of my window and lament the fact that I could never reach ALL the figs on the top branches – AND LOOK HOW MANY THERE ARE.
I would do all this while simultaneously worrying about the possible ramifications of eating the fruit of a tree that grows in the yard of a 100 yr old building with a semi-regular exterminator appointment, located just a few yards around the corner of a major roadway, in a heavily populated and definitely polluted urban area. Also none of the other tenants seem to eat them.
AND YET FIGS.
I love it and keep singing the songs.
Grandma Thread!
I’ve been thinking a lot about my dear, departed Abuela lately. I’ve briefly talked about her before, but she was a refugee from Spain who met and married an American while living in Cuba. They returned to the states and she earned a MS in Chemistry from Stanford. She taught Chemistry and Spanish in girls’ Catholic high schools for most of her adult life. She had four boys, and always wanted a daughter. She was also a bit of a fashion plate, and gave me four extremely important pieces of fashion/beauty advice.
1: Stay out of the sun
2. Don’t over-pluck your eyebrows.
3. You don’t have to have gray hair if you don’t want to. You can dye it.
4. Always have properly-fitting foundation garments that are appropriate for what you’re wearing.
Toasties, what sort of advice did your grandmothers give you?
Here’s a picture of her with her two sisters. She’s the one in the middle with the (pretty great, imo) ruffled blouse.
My grandmothers were polar opposites beauty-wise. One was a farmer’s wife and nurse and I don’t think she wore makeup a day of her life. The other “did hair” for all the neighbor ladies in her basement and was beyond glamorous. I don’t think either of them ever gave me much wisdom (other than “it hurts to be beautiful” which even as a young cookie I knew was bullshit) but in retrospect it was nice to have two very different demonstrations of how to be an adult woman.
Yes! My mom is sort of the opposite of my grandmother. She’s from Germany, quite athletic (swam competitively for years), spent a large portion of her childhood on a farm, and her beauty/fashion sense is definitely the product of the 70s/80s in Northern California–lots of chunky fabrics and silver jewelry and colorful scarves. She is also mystified by beauty products and had no idea how to deal when her extremely latin-looking daughter grew an hourglass figure (and a unibrow!) overnight. My abuela was like a life raft to teenaged me, but thanks to my mom I have always known that the plucking and the shapewear and the makeup and the heels are strictly optional.
My grandmother died a few years ago…some of her advice:
“Keep your maiden name or you’ll regret it”
“Don’t bother with plastic surgery, unless it’s for a chin tuck, because a saggy chin will make you look older faster than anything”
“Don’t hold onto things and dust collectors unnecessarily”
“Always live with a dishwasher”
Ahaha that’s great advice. Your grandmother sounds pretty great.
She really was
My beloved grandmother did not give a rat’s ass about fashion or, to be honest, just about anything else; I always really admired that about her. She just did her own thing and was happy. (And, now that I think about it, pretty much let other people do their own thing and be happy – being a Baptist from a small town, this is more significant than it could otherwise have been.)
I miss my grandma.
it took me a long time to appreciate the quieter sorts of rebels, but your grandma sounds like one, and therefore awesome!
“keep warm and don’t dress like a cabaret girl”
My granny was Russian, practical, and the best (despite the cabaret girl thing — cabaret girls are FAB).
My great grandmother (mom’s side) was a cabaret girl, so I agree completely.
I have a very colorful family.
hahahaha
My Russian grandma IS in Russia, but on the rare occasion that I talk to her, it’s always: dress for the weather, get enough rest, think positive thoughts, eat grapefruit, don’t eat anything spicy, tell me the truth what are all the health problems your parents are keeping from me.
My grandmother was a total glamour queen, and wore furs and jewels until she died at 98. When she was dying, on my visits to her I would pluck her eyebrows (and, let’s be real, her chin and stuff too), and do her makeup and she would perk right up. She was delerious most of the time, but could direct me around her makeup kit like wow. She liked Baileys and champagne and ice cream. Oh wow now I’m really sad. She died just about a year ago.
Oh Toasties I’m crying at work oh no.
oh, I’m sorry. Your grandma sounds like a lot of fun.
About three years after I lost my abuela I burst into tears in the produce section of a Safeway from missing her, so I sympathize.
Aaaahhh thank you.
My grandma was also a TOTAL b word, like in a bad way, not so much to me, but definitely to my mom. So it’s complicated.
I just got engaged, and am super stoked on planning a wedding, and I think also this “new beginnings! families are important!” stuff is just bringing up the past and missing my grandma and realizing that my grandma lived to 98 and did not see a single one of her grandkids married (my cousin got married on a remote non-elderly person friendly island). I really wish she could be there. She loved dresses and flowers and parties, and I am going to give her a show.
When I got married I missed my abuela intensely (like, cried for the first time in YEARS about missing her). I am lucky in that she did get to meet Mr. Delperro (I married my high school sweetheart, but in my 30s. It’s very Persuasion) and really liked him. I was privileged enough to get married in a church near to the cemetery where she is buried, so that’s where my bouquet went. I also wore her (mantilla-style, cathedral-length) wedding veil, which made all my dad’s relatives cry a whole lot. You should definitely try to remember her in some way.
Thank you for this advice. One sure- fire way I will include her is by wearing/including sequins in my wedding (she loved sparkle!).
We’re also going to figure out ways to include my fiance’s dad, who died 10 years ago, and his beloved grandma.
I was really lucky to meet his grandma about 2 months before she died, when we had been dating only 4 months, and he met mind, about 5 months before she died. I’m so glad for that. .
My grandma was an elegant lady, but she grew up poooooooooor. As in, grew up in a large family during the Great Depression and only ever had enough to eat when she was sent to a sanitorium for the TB. But her family used whatever they had to transform a terrible situation into something better.
She never had much money as an adult either, but she was always the best-dressed woman in the room, could make frank-and-beans seem like fine dining, and could make tiny gifts seem like the perfect thing just for you by dint of a well-told story and some creative wrapping. She was probably the most creative person I knew–she could turn secondhand rejects and other assorted bits and scraps into pretty much anything she wanted. She didn’t give me advice, per se, but I was her shadow whenever I got to visit and tried to absorb every little thing. (Holy crap I miss her so much!)
I learned:
-Having your own vision inspires and persuades in a way that following fashion can’t.
-Nothing has to be perfect. Figure out what counts and go for the overall effect.
-You never have to use anything for its intended purpose. Save it. Take it apart. Turn it around. Change its color. Use it again.
-Don’t save things for special occasions; create the occasion by using them.
Your grandma sounds great! What great lessons to draw!
A mug of whiskey and hot water is a cure for absolutely everything, even if you’re only 8 years old.
that’s the best advice in this thread so far.
That worked in my family too. Especially with aspirin and a lemon in the mix
From my maternal grandmother:
* “Don’t smoke!” because she did, for the majority of her life (thanks to her scumbag first husband whose first order walking in the door each night was “Betty Jean, light me a cigarette.”), and died from emphysema because of it.
* Take no guff, from anyone.
* If you find a good hairdresser, keep her, learn her name (Mary), and trade Christmas cards with her every year until you die.
* If your flirty new neighbor makes eyes at your husband at a Christmas party, throw a drink on her. Then make her your best friend.
* No matter how handsome the man stealing your tips is, he is still stealing your tips, and you should yell at him for it. But maybe marry him, too.
* An expression that says you do not suffer fools is a marvelous thing to cultivate (Grandma is the one in front):
If the afterlife exists, I hope she’s hanging out somewhere and mouthing off at everybody.
Major babes, both of them.
Hooray for mouthy broads and grandmas!
My paternal grandmother was also extremely difficult, had delusions of grandeur in which she fudged details of her life, and was not nice to my mother. She also lived for many years past the point where her mind and body really gave out and it was sort of a relief to my father and I (and her, I don’t doubt) when she finally passed.
However, she was a really great cook and lately I have been nostalgic for both her kitchen (the oven was in a separately built column, separate from the stovetop) and she always had freshly made cookies and goldfish crackers in snack jars, and her cooking. I remember being fascinated by watching her turn pan drippings into gravy, because as far as I knew, pretty much all food came out of cans.
I can’t say she ever gave me much in the way of advice, but I’m glad she instilled a love of cooking in me since my mother hated to cook and my father would be happy taking a pill with daily nutrition in it instead of eating.
I’m sorry your grandmother was difficult (I had one of those too), but I’m a bit jealous, because neither of my grandmothers could cook worth a damn (my abuelo worked for Armour meats, so my abuela put hot dogs in everything when my dad was growing up), so I’m entirely self-taught. What I wouldn’t give for a bunch of old family recipes…
Well, there were a lot of mid-century doozies in her recipe collection but I don’t recall her ever making them. There were a lot of weird gelatin things and casseroles but I don’t think she ever made them for me. There was a jello cake that I’m thinking of making though that I remember she would make in the summer – make a white or angel food cake, then pour lemon or lime jello in its still hot, not set state over the top of it.
Oh that cake sounds good. My (difficult) maternal grandma used to make a jell-o salad with orange jello and celery (and some other things too). I know it sounds awful but I really miss it.
My grandma didn’t give me advice so much as make me realize why I am such a feminist hellbent to make a career and have a family. It runs in my blood.
Statement from Grandma: “You know, there are some women who do EVERYTHING for their husbands. Can you imagine?” Working single mother widowed in the 1950s married my grandpa, had three more kids, and they both worked and ran a farm (that was not the primary job of either of them!). Not always an easy woman to get along with, but neither am I. But thanks to her I was raised not to put up with crap from men, because she passed that on to my mom.
I had a Nanna (Mum’s Mum) and a Grandma (Dad’s Mum), both of them passed away within 6 months of each other a couple of years ago.
Nanna was more conservative, came from a country town, and was the most energetic woman I’ve ever met (except for maybe my Mum!). She died at 92, and she was still going to the nursing home to volunteer with the “old people”! She was on the social committee of her assisted living place and was always writing letters constantly. She was always worried I was going to break my neck in high heels, but was always so well turned out herself, just in sensible shoes, haha!
My Grandma was a bit more out there, she told me stories of wearing huge high heels all day working at a department store (whenever I complained about my shoes hurting), she was working class, a feminist and a communist (when it was illegal!). I spoke at her funeral and I could barely get a thing out, it was terrible.
I’m due with my first baby in July, and I’m definitely missing them both a lot right now, I wish they could have been here to meet her. I’m so grateful they were both at my wedding 3 years ago, I have those photos to look back on.
Ever since Mallory’s post about crows I can’t stop taking pictures of crows. Am I becoming a crow-slave?
Debatably enslaved. Keep it up though, that picture is gorgeous 🙂
Thanks! it is kinda crappy quality since I had to digitally zoom on my phone to get close enough. At some point I’ll take my real camera out and get some nice photos :).
i dunno, it looks great on my (admittedly old) work computer 🙂
You were fine until the third crow, which noticed you. Now you’re probably doomed.
I knew it!
You have always been a crow-slave. You have merely become aware of this fact now.
So I’m just realizing my full potential now? I can live with that.
May I have your permission to base fiber artwork on your photos?
This is a crow of mine:
and a bluejay:
I value different angles on birds – the backgrounds I make up. These pieces are 5×7″ (12×18 cm).
Of course! Those are lovely! I just posted some more on my instagram too: @teuthida
Overslept this morning, and after I’d gone to bed early, too. Whoops!
I finished The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith, aka J.K. Rowling last night. Cats and kittens, let me tell you, JKR’s adult stuff is crazy underrated. If I didn’t have two other library ebooks that I needed to get through (Yes Please and Station Eleven, both relevant to Toast Interests) I’d have checked out the sequel already.
Her adult stuff is fantastic! That lady knows how to build up some suspence!
i read part of “the silkworm” (which is the sequel, i guess) over someone’s shoulder on my morning commute and was so intrigued, i googled the character names and was like, “whaaa, a j.k.. rowling-penned book about heinous torture????”
Ha, that’s awesome. I used to have an hour-long train commute and whenever someone next to me was using an e-reader, I would try to guess what they were reading based on surreptitious over-the-shoulder creeping. I got pretty good at it after a while (or, people read a LOT of the same books).
I really want to read J.K. Rowling Does Mysteries!
my favorite spot on BART is leaning against the wall at the far end of the train (where there are doors between the cars). i’m basically standing half-behind whoever is sitting down in the last row, so it’s super easy to read over their shoulder without looking super obvious or them noticing. or at least, i hope so.
i have seen a LOT of people reading either “gone girl” or “the devil in the white city.”
The Silkworm is not as good as the Cuckoo’s Calling. I was actually very disappointed.
I read both of them last summer and also liked them a lot! I hope she writes more. They really are perfect beach books– plotty and fun but not formulaic.
In a similar vein, I really liked the Case Histories by Kate Atkinson. Haven’t read any of her other Jackson Brodie books yet, though.
Oooh noted!
I love her Robert Galbraith books so much! I’m so glad it looks like it’ll be a series. I hated A Casual Vacancy though, I just hated the characters so much that I couldn’t get invested in what happened to them at all.
I really liked The Cuckoo’s Calling! Mainly because of Robin and Cormoran’s relationship (they respect each other’s skills! They trust each other! They are friends who help each other become better people!). It suffers from some of JKR’s flaws (please don’t do phonetic accents), but I stayed up late reading it so I could get to the end and then was too excited to sleep. (And it was much better than The Casual Vacancy.)
Toastlets, I’d like to crowdsource an opinion. The ingredients in your bath/body products—shampoo, lotion, face cream, etc.: are you concerned about them? Parabens and phthalates and such? I never thought much about it, but some friends recently showed me an app that rates items based on “nonbiased identification of the potential risks associated with the personal care products [consumers] use every day,” and it’s somewhat alarming to see my face cream, for example, rated a 10/10 on the carcinogenicity and developmental/reproductive toxicity scales.
I’m hesitant about so many topics like this because it can so easily veer into pseudoscience-y/Food Babe/ ~*~omg, toxins!!! chemicals!!!~*~ territory. But I also don’t want to discount something that could be important. The articles I briefly looked up were basically like, “Should you worry about these things? Maybe not! But also maybe totally??”
Should I just delete this app? Should I buy different products? help me what do you guys thiiiiiiink
Ahh, the GoodGuide dilemma!
What I ended up doing was Googling the specific ingredients that were considered problematic. Is it that they’re really really bad for the environment? Is it that they’re linked to liver damage and banned in Europe? Then on a case-by-case basis I either changed or didn’t change products.
(Note: I live in the US. My totally non-scientific guide was that, if other countries had banned an ingredient, and if a legit study linked it to health problems, I totally bought that the US is just behind the curve on this one, and changed products.)
I don’t think it’s a huge deal? But also I buy hippie products unless the non-hippie product has something I want, mostly because the hippie products have less packaging and avoiding excess packaging makes me feel virtuous. And then I buy other stuff that’s all individually wrapped and it probably cancels out.
If you’re worrying about it, you could try the hippie versions of things, and then if you like the non-hippie ones better and go back to them you’ll at least know what you’re gaining in return for the “toxins.”
I care somewhat, so I have all sorts of rules. Like, I try to buy “better” products that stay on my skin all day – lotion, make up. But then I will buy whatever shampoo is on sale because I figure it just gets rinsed off anyway. That’s probably not how it works at all, but it works for me?
I mean, it makes sense to me!
That *is* how it works. Most of us can use any old detergent to get clean hair, clothes, skin, etc. We need not pay any attention unless the bit left behind causes irritation (see unscented laundry detergent). Read the labels and you’ll find shampoos are mostly all the same. It’s a marketing ploy to get us to think otherwise.
But for hair conditioner, skin moisturizer, and anything else that stays put, that’s when quality counts. You got this.
Thanks for legitimizing my made up rules!
Personally, I am super picky about shampoo and conditioner and soap and pretty much am a LUSH fiend for those things, but everything else, meh, whatever. As long as my body lotion doesn’t have a ton of alcohol in it, I’m fine.
I care to a certain extent, but I have finicky, sensitive skin so my ultimate concern is “Does this work for me?” and if it does, I’ll keep using it regardless of what consumer guides say. I might die of cancer caused on by my moisturizer 60 years from now but I might also get hit by a bus in a month and on the whole I’d prefer to have nice, non-flaky skin in the meantime.
I like to read Beautypedia for product reviews before purchasing something, but I’ve been led astray by that website before and I find that the reviews can be weirdly inconsistent.
This is me too. I react badly to SLS, so I’m starting to carry soap with me to work and stuff because regular hand soap dries me out (living in Utah probably doesn’t help my dry skin) so I look for cleansers without it. Shampoo is less of a problem, unless I’ve colored my hair, then I go for sulfate free to keep the color in longer.
Totally agree with the bus/nice skin thing. That’s kind of how I’ve been thinking about it all along, but that app got me worried.
I used to have the worst time with reactions to certain nail polishes, so I researched by reading a lot of blogs by cosmetic chemists. Lab Muffin comes to mind, and The Beauty Brains, and whatever else I found by googling “cosmetic chemist”. I found that never relying on just one source seemed to be the way to go – that way you can deal with the multiple agendas people have for writing (some write for educational purposes, some write for marketing purposes, some are a combination of the two, etc.).
I agree with thedaela that it’s worth finding out what’s been banned/limited in Europe, since it turned out for me that a lot of the problems I was having with nail polish ingredients cleared up once the U.S. started to catch up in awareness of certain ingredients.
At the moment, there is no evidence to support the idea that parabens and phthalates are harmful in the concentrations used in cosmetics. Pretty much any formulation of chemicals is gonna have “potential risks” (like, you can die from too much water!) so I’d steer clear of the app you’re talking about.
Personally I prefer a lot of the “natural” stuff just because it has fewer fragrances, which I tend to be sensitive to. And like some of the other commenters mentioned, a lot of the “natural” companies are better about environmentalism/animal testing/ethical issues. I like to combine my crunchy granola stuff with my high-tech prescriptions, so basically, do what works for you!
My scientist says anything can cause harm, in great enough quantity. Think about it. Drink too much water and die of electrolyte imbalance. Too much sunlight, burns and melanoma. Too much darkness, die of vitamin D deficiency. Eating apples can kill you, even the organic ones, if you eat enough of them.
Moderation has never steered me wrong.
I don’t care. I do care about animal testing but I’m not fussed about ‘natural’ etc etc.
I am personally not super worried about bath & body products, because I figure I can only worry about so many things, and I’m probably more at risk from things that actually go inside my body than stuff that just sits on the outside. But I’m not a big make up or spa products kind of person, so for me this is hair products and like, soap.
Married to a scientist who reminds us that “carcinogenic” is not enough info. Some of you Toastfriends are old enough to remember the brouhaha over aspartame and before that, similar panic over saccharine. Turns out, if you actually *read* the studies, troubles only occurred when lab mice were given, all in one day, more product than a typical human would consume in an entire lifetime. We’re so much bigger than mice. We use these products in very small amounts. All this means nothing to worry about.
Other “carcinogenic” labels are applied because ingestion caused cancer, when the product is used topically and not meant to be eaten.
How to get the necessary info, I have no idea. My Beloved Scientist has access to clinical studies and *all* the data used, whereas we commoners have only the popular press. As consumers all we can do is demand detail and ask hard questions.
One thing about access to scientific studies– if the research is funded by the US government, it has to be available online, for free. You can find a lot of stuff at PubMed Central if you do some digging– not the studies that manufacturers do of their own products, but a lot of other research. Understanding it all without a science or statistics background, on the other hand, can be difficult.
This is a helpful reminder, thanks.
I USED to! I think I had orthorexia, but for personal care items. Now, I’ve read enough actual scientific studies as opposed to scaring the crap out of myself looking every ingredient up on EWG (a lobbying group BTW). So no, don’t worry too much. And don’t trust people who are trying to scare you. I would recommend checking out the subreddit Skincare Addiction. They have tons of good info about things you put on your skin that are proven effective by science. I’ve shown a lot of improvement using that as a resource instead of all these sites that scare you into second-guessing every damn thing you put on yourself. I still pay attention to ingredients, especially ones I know my skin reacts to, but I’m so much happier now that I don’t obsess over it. And remember, “natural, organic” personal care is still just businesses trying to sell you stuff.
Props to you, for recognizing any orthorexic habits! Yes, we all need to learn to Nope away at the first hint that anyone is trying to scare us. This habit would keep us away from most marketing aimed at women and from all Republicans.
Thanks for the responses, everyone– I think I’ll try out some specifically paraben-free products and see how I like them, but I’m not going to freak out about it.
I’ve been so anxious lately–my husband and I are thinking seriously of having a baby, and the minute he said he thought we should start trying in a few months, my anxieties about autism, chromosomal abnormalities, and everything else that can go wrong just ramped up majorly, as well as anxieties about my chronic, severe insomnia +pregnancy (because of course I don’t want to take anything that has the slightest chance of creating a problem). I wish I had a non-anxiety disordered brain that wouldn’t latch on to everything I can’t control! In addition, I just went to the dentist for the first time in many years and found out I need to have four cavities filled and a deep cleaning because my gums suck. So I also feel depressed about my lack of flossing skills.
But, it’s warm. And tomorrow I’m hosting a Sichuan food dinner party. So I’ll try to concentrate on that.
Oh saaaaame! Before I got pregnant, the idea of abnormalities and miscarriages and such caused me SO much anxiety. And then I spent the first trimester kind of in a daze of assuming something would go wrong? But then by about 20 weeks, everything seemed to be going ok and my anxiety just kind of… floated away? YMMV, of course, but it was really refreshing as an anxious person to find that the only things I’m stressing about right now are like, work and giving birth.
I read a book of birth stories, and one writer talked about how she had anxiety disorder, and when she got pregnant, it somehow went away (at least as far as the baby went). She somehow really got it through her head that she couldn’t do anything about it, so she wasn’t going to worry. I definitely want to enjoy the planning process, the pregnancy, the first few years, and not be consumed with worry! I’m trying to concentrate on the small percentage chance that anything would go wrong, talking with my husband about what we’d do if anything did go wrong, and we decided we’d be willing to pay out of pocket for the non-invasive blood test they can do now (I’m under 35, so insurance probably won’t pay for many pre-natal tests it seems).
I hope your stress about birth isn’t too bad! I’m trying not to read any horror stories about that (though who am I kidding, I’ll probably click on any that I see floating around the blogosphere).
Re: fancy blood tests: a lot of the companies that manufacture the tests have programs that make you not have to pay the whole $2-3k – a well-placed phone call or two can save you at least a thousand bucks. Or so my BabyCenter board led me to believe (I didn’t actually have it, and through a mix-up, missed getting the NT test as well. (baby is fine).
Also you can take Unisom while pregnant (is advised for morning sickness). ALSO you may actually have a lot more trouble NOT sleeping than you do sleeping, at least for a few months. Also a lot of anxiety meds are ok for pregnancy, if you’re into that sort of thing.
I feel you so hard on this, I have anxiety and am currently pregnant (and I hate the dentist). Hormones and lack of sleep and new things to worry about have been a real struggle for me, but I’ve also found that as it gets later in my pregnancy I’m more able to focus on the things I’m excited about. Part of what was so hard about the first trimester was that all the things can still go wrong, but your baby is still just this thing that you can’t see or relate to and just hangs out in your abdomen making your feel like shit. Once you get to see a baby-looking thing on the ultrasound and start buying stuff, it gives you something happier to focus on, plus you have more evidence that nothing is wrong with your baby.
Like lemonadefish said, there are a lot of deals you can get on testing. My doctor’s office had a partnership with a testing company for a comprehensive genetic panel that wasn’t covered by my insurance for around $100, and once you’re cleared you know you’ll be fine for future babies as well. I’m also under 35, so my insurance didn’t cover the blood test for Downs Syndrome. But they did cover the ultrasound to look for markers of it (BUN test). This was the cutting edge of testing technology like 3 years ago, so I didn’t really feel like I was getting screwed over by having to do it instead, plus you get a bonus 12-13 week peek at your baby. I have also found it very reassuring just to listen to the heartbeat at all my doctor’s appointments. It lets you know everything is going well and even early on, a strong heartbeat is a great sign that everything will continue developing normally.
Also, people who tell you not to stress and just enjoy it are so obnoxious. Do you really think I couldn’t decide if I should stress or not but I was like whatever I’ve been enjoying a lot of things recently, I think I’ll try stressing about this one just for fun.
so–my experience only, but: I puked 5x a day for 6 months, and actually lost weight, so anxiety didn’t have any time to take hold until then. My first pregnancy, holy hell, anxiety city. Nursing, colicy, anxiety city afterwards too. But hey, having insomnia isn’t that bad then, because at least then you aren’t so angry when the baby’s up late at night because you are too (I eventually came around to that way of thinking but it took a while). Want to know what’s awesome????OXYTOCIN. that wonderful, wonderful prolactin-making chemical that, once you get the hang of the nursing thing, turns you into a melty puddle. It was way better than any therapy for my anxiety. But it was hard work letting go of all my expectations and getting to that point. So, you will definitely worry. You will worry about insane crazy things when the pregnancy brain takes over–in this, you will no longer be an anxiety-prone woman, you will fit in with every other pregnant woman on the planet, because woo, do those hormones play with your worries. So relax and enjoy being allowed to obsess, and good luck trying!!!
I was pretty sick for the first 3-4 months, then I had a really adequate 4 weeks, then I was in a lot of pain because my dear love of my life was crushing my internal organs and sitting comfortably on my sciatic nerve. The joy of the 10 (yeah…its really 10) months honestly didn’t alleviate my anxiety. But to be fair, I had some other things going on so you will be fine.
I’m not a fan of women that have perfect pregnancies, look perfect while pregnant, have no labor pains and can’t wait to do it all again. There is a good chance they are also great mothers but….they terrify me and I feel like they are making virgin sacrifices in their basement. I totally think I could be wrong about this, but to be safe I try to keep my distance.
Guys in 4 hours I’m getting on a plane to visit Nicole Cliffe how many hugs should I give her for everyone?
One from me, please!
One from me! Also smooch baby.
One for feeling those strong arms. One for baby! And a sombre handshake for the sir.
Approximately one hug for each thumbs-up on your post – make sure to set a decent hugging limit though so you don’t smother her!!
At least a thousand, I think.
All of them.
Definitely at least two, plus a nose-nuzzle with the babes.
Not much for hugs but if you’re wearing a hat please doff it in her direction.
TWO FROM ME!
seems you’ve got the hugs thing covered already so i’ll just ask that you please nibble on the baby toes for me plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. they’re The Best.
Toasties, does anyone remember last summer, around July, when I started posting in the Open Threads about my friend “Gertrude” and her very sketchy new boyfriend? She had quit her job because he kept saying he could get her a better one as his assistant, but every job he lined up for her mysteriously fell through, and the details of his own employment changed all the time. First he was a video game designer, then part owner of a media company, and he was constantly driving from Montreal to Toronto and back again for days at a time. I felt very uneasy about the whole situation.
Well, he is no longer her very sketchy boyfriend. He has leveled up to being her very sketchy fiancé!
She’s told me that her family is skeptical about this, but she’s sure this is what she wants. She has also said that most of her friends dislike him, but that’s only because they don’t know him like she does (right, because that’s not generally a red flag or anything!). I hope I’m wrong in my assessment of the situation, especially since I haven’t actually met the guy yet, but I can’t help but feel that this will all end in tears. :/
Wowwwwww. This is amazing.
Engagement gift = a criminal background check
this isn’t a bad idea. sort of. part of me says “woahhh that is overstepping boundaries” and the other part of me is like “this guy is SKETCHVILLE, at the least he’s a…con artist? a grifter? what if it’s something worse. what if he has a second family in montreal? what if???? no smoke without a fire, etc etc”
I’m pretty sure you can’t do a criminal record check without the person’s permission in Canada.
My pet theory is he’s running drugs along the Quebec-Windsor corridor.
At least he’ll have a reasonably steady income that way?
I confess to having idly wondered how Gretchen was doing since you stopped posting about her. So thanks for the update! But that does indeed not bode well.
ohhh my god. i have been wondering about “gertrude.” this is insane. when you said “he is no longer her very sketchy boyfriend,” i got my hopes up.
there are just so many red flags, i can’t see this being aboveboard. the changing employment seems really weird to me. could you maybe…encourage her to sit down with him and a financial advisor OF HER CHOICE to go over both of their finances before they get married? maybe then something will come to light?
I’m not sure to what extent I can raise the issue of him most likely being an untrustworthy shitlord :/ she obviously doesn’t see any of the red flags and I don’t want to alienate her by ragging on the guy she loves.
Yeah sadly there’s a point where you just have to step back and let people dive into the massive holes of their own digging 🙁
I’m really hoping in 50 years to somehow highly improbably hear about the “sketchy dude 50th anniversary” that Gertrude is having with this guy. Maybe it’s so unlikely it’ll work out?
YIKES.
Oh, dear. He sounds like massive trouble.
Although, I knew someone in a similar situation, and her mother hired a PI and all the sketchy stuff came out (which was lots!) … And after that they still stayed together and are apparently happy? So, you never know what might happen.
OMG. Yes, this will end in tears. We can hope it ends sooner, though, short of marriage. It would be kind of you to research some info regarding Canadian divorce law in the event of fraud or misrepresentation. Just to have it ready.
Oh man I have been waiting for a Gertrude update! I was really hoping it was going to be, “Gertrude was an undercover operative exposing this man’s epic trail of fraudulence,” but maybe that is still an option?
I read that as “epic trail of flatulence,” which would be a great band name
Their first album can be named “Cropduster Nation” !
2nd album “Sharting Over Again”
Yessssssss I am so glad you updated! 😀
Nooooooooo it keeps getting worse! D:
GERTRUUUUUUUUUDE.
wow, and um, and that is not so good.
but it is very hard to change people’s minds. good luck and be supportive and be there, i guess?
gift her the book “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy bancroft. Or, you know, just leave it around on your coffee table every time she comes over alone. And hope she opens it.
Mark relevant passages with fluorescent stickies.
I had a very similar situation with a sister-in-law, who ended up marrying a narcissistic, pathological liar, in spite of everyone’s warnings. She’s already heard your warnings and concerns–just be there for her now. It’s hard, and frustrating, but I can tell you from experience that if you keep expressing your concerns to her now, you will likely push her even further away.
(Obvious caveat for if Mr. Sketch becomes Mr. Abuse, of course!)
I’m sorry–it’s a rough situation to be in.
I was at that show!! Holy crap so good.
I’ve had a crazy stressful work week and I’m girding my loins for things to get even worse over the next two weeks, but today the office is quiet and I’m eating this f-balls amazing salad that I made last night: http://www.budgetbytes.com/2014/05/falafel-salad/
So basically, everything is good and I’m going to buy a lot of booze and hopefully read a lot of Middlemarch this weekend. What’s everyone reading/eating?
I’m still savoring my way through Wolf Hall, and I just had a breakfast potluck at work where our amazing IT guy made us crepes a la fleur d’oranges following his Parisian mother-in-law’s recipe.
I am reading George Eliot’s Felix Holt the Radical and I just got to a section where Felix Holt goes to the house of a female acquaintance on a Sunday afternoon and manplains to her how she is doing Sunday afternoon wrong. The more things change…
Amphora, the closer you get to the end of The Luminaries the faster it will go, not because the plot picks up but because the chapters get shorter. 🙂 I was not wild about that book, though.
That salad looks amazing!
Yay!!! We're doing pasta instead of pizza, but I am SOOOOOO looking forward to tonight! YAY!
Good morning Toasties! Against my better judgment I went out last night and now I am… alive, maybe? Unclear. BUT I just went to get some coffee from the office kitchen and we now have Lunchables in our vending machine! All is not lost. (I know they're made of plastic and salt and lies but they're so delicious and taste like field trips…)
Also: sexists, amirite? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2811
Ahhh I’ve missed the Toast as so much has been going on in the past two weeks! I applied for my citizenship two weeks ago, moved house two weeks ago and had a job interview today. This was the first major house move I’ve ever done, where we had to rent a truck to haul all our crap, and after two extra car trips, it’s still not out yet. We still have lots of boxes left to unpacks, but now that we got the internet yesterday, I’ll probably waste time on the internet instead. However, the new place has a garden, and I’ve already got some nasturtiums going, with a view to growing scads of tomoatoes, squash, pumpkins and lettucey things. AND FRUITS.
I just really, really REALLY hope I get this job. The interview went ok, I think? Smiles and pleasant nodding all around and I didn’t completely choke on everything I said? blerg.
I got my nails done yesterday and had a pedicure as well because I haven’t had one since November and I really, really want to start wearing sandals again. I know there were recs last week, but my head wasn’t in the game – can anyone recommend some comfortable sandals for wide feet? Flats or wedges preferably, but no thongs/flip-flops as I can’t wear them in the office 🙁
My current favorite pair are a pair of black strappy wedges I got at Payless last year, but I can sense them falling apart. I’ve been debating taking the Birkenstock plunge again (I had a pair when I was in high school and ADORED THEM) but I don’t know if I want to spend that kind of money!
The great thing about Birks is that they last FOREVER, so the investment is worthwhile. My little picture there on the left? Those are ten years old.
These were the ones I had many many moons ago, the temptation is so strong!!!!
Birkenstocks aren’t quite as pricy as I thought they were. I bought mine on sale for about $100, but I think the regular price was only around $130. So definitely more than Payless, but not really more than other decent quality footwear.
Of course, the price gap between Payless and decent quality footwear is not exactly narrow.
Yeah, I was just poking around the website and the price is approximately what I paid for my Doc Martens two weeks ago, but it’s definitely a case of big expense all at once vs. itty bitty prices multiple times a season, so I may just have to take the plunge.
This might be the most obvious recommendation ever, but Saltwaters really are great. They last FOREVER and are so, so comfortable. Not a bad price either, for the quality.
ooooh I just bought some Saltwaters and am eagerly awaiting spring here so I can wear them! Do you think they would work for wide feet? Mine seem snug on my narrow waterski feet.
Hmmm, I’ve always thought they were built to fit quite wide feet. I have probably average-width feet and I definitely feel there’s a little room there. I’ve read that if you wear them in water, the leather will shape to the contours of your foot, so that could also be a factor?
I got some Propet walking sandals a few weeks ago and not only are they wide enough for my very wide feet, I’ve actually had to tighten them at the widest part of my feet. And I wore them to do tons of walking and my feet were just fine in them, which I consider a miracle for sandals.
They are not, however, cute. They are straight up little old lady sandals. But Propet does have some cute pairs on their website, so probably if you don’t have both long and wide feet like me, you could find cuter ones.
I am just this moment wearing a pair of Softspots sandals in a pleasing shade of aqua. It’s what I ended up with after ordering 12 pairs from Zappos. (Just this morning I ordered five more pairs. I love Zappos. Shoes show up, and then you just send them away again!)
I love Softspots! Their boots are great too. I have a weird nerve thing in my feet where I need that squishy inner sole that conforms to your foot.
I also like Raffini for sandals – they have the same comfy inner sole thing going on and last a bit longer than Softspots.
I have some that I just bought made by Sofft that I really like (and I have super wide feet – like a baby).
I’m also looking for flat sandals, but my feet aren’t wide everywhere, just at the arch. My heels are narrow and my toes are average, but my “arch” flops over the edge of most sandals. The only pair that seem to work are my teva flip-flops, but I’d like something a hair dressier, to go with skirts or jeans and a cute top?
I got my nails done yesterday and had a pedicure as well because I haven't had one since November and I really, really want to start wearing sandals again. I know there were recs last week, but my head wasn't in the game – can anyone recommend some comfortable sandals for wide feet? Flats or wedges preferably, but no thongs/flip-flops as I can't wear them in the office 🙁
My current favorite pair are a pair of black strappy wedges I got at Payless last year, but I can sense them falling apart. I've been debating taking the Birkenstock plunge again (I had a pair when I was in high school and ADORED THEM) but I don't know if I want to spend that kind of money!
Entire Hannibal Season 2 thread. Spoilers in the first comment to follow.
Who do you all think is still alive going in to season 3? Will, obviously. Everyone else is sort of up in the air, except for Freddie, which makes me so thrilled, because I came to love Freddie.
What is the deal with Bedelia? So confusing, but if it means more Gillian Anderson I’m thrilled.
Michael Pitt isn’t going to be returning to play Mason. Shame, I loved his insane take on that character.
I hope Jack is still alive. I want Bryan Fuller to realize his full arc for the show and get to Silence of the Lambs era (though maybe he will change things up?).
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em?
It is a shame, I enjoyed his take.
I really want Jack and Alanna to both be alive. (Abigail has got to be definitely dead this time.)
I am greatly concerned about Bedelia’s safety. The rumor mills state that we will finally see what happened with her patient in Season 3, and I think that will greatly clear up things about her and Hannibal’s odd relationship. I think Hannibal’s therapist person-suit was modeled directly after her, personally, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a mentorship involved in their past. I think he considers her a kind of safe space to show some of his true evilness, since she’s already compromised herself by whatever the hell happened in the past. (Very similar to how he gets close to Will this season.) My current best guess is that he finds her (he did, um, burn a lot of bridges in that finale) and she goes along with him out of the country because it’s a way of ensuring her continued survival and freedom, as the FBI would definitely turn to her because of her earlier involvement with Hannibal/Jack/Will.
So long as they keep Katharine Isabelle being fabulous as Margot, then who cares who wears the face contraption as Mason is what I say!
Katharine Isabelle is so great as Margot.
With the amount of flashbacks the show likes to employ I would love to imagine we will finally see the action of what went down with Bedelia and Hannibal’s incident.
Yes, Margot is amazing.
I met her (and Mads!) and she is the sweetest human being alive.
So happy to hear that! Was Mads really intense in person? I’ve heard that about him and would expect nothing less.
Uhhhh it’s hard for me to say because I was so starstruck that I left the room and immediately started crying. I couldn’t even think straight but he seemed like a big old goofball! My sister and I were trying to figure out whether we would take pictures with him separately or together and I said “Sorry, we’re thinking” to him and he said “Good! If you are thinking, then I am drinking.” He looked like he hadn’t showered in 3 days and smelled like sweat and cigarettes but like, in an erotic way.
Here’s the picture 😀
Excellent! Great pic, too, BTW.
I’m pretty sure Gillian Anderson is a regular for at least the first half of the season, so I’m thrilled. Basically, all the casting announcements have been making me freak out at regular intervals.
I’m betting: Abigail is dead, Jack and Will are alive, and it’s 50/50 chance on Alana (my guess- alive, but blind).
Where is the blind thing coming from? I hear that a lot. Is it just because of the “I was so blind,” etc., exchange?
Also, Rutina Weasley! And Thorin!!
There was a really interesting post about it back right after the finale aired that mentioned a few things- that Alana fell and hit the back of her head (where the vision center of the brain is, and trauma to the back of the head can lead to blindness), that she didn’t recognize Will until he spoke to her before he entered the house, and calling back to the “I was so blind” remarks.
It’s just a pet theory that I found really interesting and seems along the lines of something that Bryan would do.
BEDELIA WHAT THE HELL. I have no idea what’s up with her but I am stoked to see what happens.
Will’s definitely alive; I’m betting yes on Jack but I could well be wrong; likewise with Alana but she’ll be permanently disabled in some way; if Abigail’s not dead I will throw something at the TV. (Not because I don’t love Abigail – I do! – but doing that fake-out twice would be cheap.
I’M SO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT HANNIBAL
So I seriously doubt Abigail is still alive. I believe in one fake-out death, but not two. My main concern is Alana, my precious darling light of my life Alana (I really love her okay). I read a synopsis of the first episode that mentioned her (not gonna dig through my tumblr to find it) so I’m hoping and praying that she’s alive.
I can’t wait to learn more about Bedelia. I just honestly have no theories at all at this point.
I loved season 1 Alana! Then in the middle of season 2 Alana flabbergasted me by hooking up with Hannibal and giving him an alibi and I just about lost it.
The final episode brought me back around. Hope your source is right and she survives.
I know a lot of people weren’t happy with her characterization in season 2, but I feel like she did what seemed right to her given the information she had at the time. She’s known Hannibal longer than Will, she likes and trusts him, and her feelings for Will were so tied into wanting to save him. And after she couldn’t do that, she turns to Hannibal, who doesn’t need any saving, who’s a seemingly stable person (hahaha) who can give her what she needs.
…I’ve always kinda shipped it though (I ship every permutation of Will, Hannibal, and Alana) so maybe that’s why it didn’t bother me.
Can we do another fanfic recommendation thread? Because the Mystrade fic destroyed me, and then the sequel to one of my favorite Steve/Darcy fic ended and I am at a loss here.
I am here for your Steve/Darcy fic. Link?
It’s the All The Dead Lie Down series because Steve + Darcy + zombie apocalypse. The author has also written a bunch of other AMAZING Steve/Darcy fics, so just go through her backlist.
Just started that one and was 30 minutes late to meet a friend! I told her I was napping and missed my alarm :0… it is SO GOOD
Joining for fanfic recommendations. I’m interested in hearing more about this Steve/Darcy fic.
Have you read everything else by Rageprufrock? Because that’s probably a good place to start. My actual favorite of hers is probably “On the Road”, but also “Conflict of Interest” (and it’s sequel, “Visiting Hours”) and “Drastically Redefining Protocol” and “Bell Curve, or, Ladies Night at the Boom Boom Room,” or if you can handle the warnings, “Cartography by Touch.”
I’m also reliably crying at every new chapter of “World Ain’t Ready” by idiopathicsmile, http://archiveofourown.org/works/2306315, over how good it is.
If you want more Darcy fic, I also love “The Only John Wayne Left in This Town” by gyzym.
(I have been prepping to answer this question for the last 17 years. If anyone wants specific fandom or topic or trope recs, I can probably provide them.)
None of the rageprufrock fics are in my fandoms, but I’m reading them anyway because THAT WRITING.
I just recently read that Darcy fic and it BLEW MY MIND. I’m one of those “Ship-Darcy-With-Everyone” people, so I’ll read anything that isn’t Darcy/Loki (because, nope).
What are your fandoms? That list of Rageprufrock favorites is pretty restrained. I could easily replace them with her Supernatural or Inception or Captain America stuff, and nothing would change about how much I love, love, love them.
I’d rec gyzym’s stuff across all fandoms too.
Also, Copperbadge across all fandoms.
I lovelovelove Copperbadge’s Steve Rogers – possibly my favorite interpretation.
I would broadly rec Copperbadge as a human being. Like, I’d be hard pressed to find something I don’t like about him.
“A Partial Dictionary of the 21st Century” is basically my entire Steve Rogers headcanon, right there. Especially the parts about food.
I’m planning to read her Cap stuff, since these days my fandoms are mostly MCU, Harry Potter (yes, still), The 100, Star Trek, Doctor Who, sometimes The Hunger Games if it’s really, really well-written.
Copperbadge has some great Torchwood/Doctor Who stuff. I’d particularly rec “The Theory of Two Centres.”
If you’ll read things that are mostly more on the Torchwood side of that divide, Demotu’s “A Matter of Time” is earth-shattering.
I haven’t read any The 100, but one of my favorite authors, lady_ragnell on AO3, has started writing in it.
Edited to add:
Wow, how did I talk about Copperbadge without talking about Marvel? Everything, but particularly “Ironsides”, “Exclusive”, “Robot Trip”, “After the End”, and “A Partial Dictionary of the 21st Century by Captain Steve Rogers, US Army.”
THANK YOU oh my god my TBR list is so long now this is glorious
No problem. This was the comment thread I was born for.
This is not actually a fanfic at all, but I recently watched a Star Trek: Voyager episode that was basically about an in-universe unfinished quasi-fanfic, and it was delightful and I recommend it. It was called “Worst Case Scenario.”
I am completely obsessed with this The Social Network bakery AU called Sweet On You. I was SO happy when the author finally put it up on AO3 because that meant I could download it to my iBooks and always have a copy of it with me wherever I go.
There is so much fanfic on my Kindle at this point, it’s ridiculous. Every time someone asks me what I’m reading, I always panic for a second and blurt out the last non-fiction book I read so they don’t realize it’s a fluffy Cap fic that I’ve read a million times already.
Are you looking for recs? If you liked “Sweet on You,” I’d recommend “Ten Cups of Coffee (A Love Story)” by Harriet_Vane and “I’ve Got Nothing To Do Today But Smile (The Only Living Boy in New York)” by gyzym.
I am ALWAYS looking for recs, bless you my friend
Legal Partners (Ace Attorney, Phoenix/Edgeworth, set after Dual Destinies). My best friend and I treat it like a fandom in its own right.
Aw man, I miss my days in the Ace Attorney fandom! Thanks for the rec!
Agreed, good fanfic is super important. I’ve read a lot of really bad fanfic, and while it’s sometimes fun, the good stuff is what I stick around for. I can probably dig up some good Jane Austen fic recs if anyone is interested.
I’d be interested in seeing what good Jane Austen fic is like.
Well, if you like minor character retellings, this Pride and Prejudice told from Kitty’s point of view is pretty good: The Brighton Effect
Thanks! I’ll check it out.
Here are some Pride & Prejudice fic recs, heavy on the genderswap!
Yeah so I was like “jeez it can’t be that good” then I read it and even at the end I was like “what is up with everyone saying they just started over again at the beginning when they were done” and then I … started it over again immediately and got sucked right back in again.
So yes I definitely did this and am about to start it for the third time, which is FINE I obviously don’t have any problems what are you talking about, and it just occurred to me that the writing is liquidly compelling. The first few lines, the first chapter, it’s like quicksand starting to give way and all of a sudden you’re under.
Ummm, anyone want to shout about hockey fic? Ahaha no one does, of course not [looks around shiftily]
I did not know that hockey fic existed, but I am up for learning. Where is a good place to start?
Girl! It’s great, if you like fic and also muscular men. Get yourself over to AO3 and search the hockey rpf tag, and then hit up tumblr for some visual inspiration/short writing. Want more specifics?
I will! What are you reading? I guess today is the day I have no shame and admit that I’m still not over Tympani by Demotu.
HA, I just reread Tympani. NO REGRETS. Good lord. Everything she writes is great. I’m also a big fan of “A Light-Handed Approach to Regulation” by Hazel (I think) and “Tour de Force” aka my fandom staples. Hmm, recently read a long Sid/Geno one on which Sid goes to Russia, forget what it’s called, though. So good.
So much yes on “A Light-Handed Approach to Regulation.” I also love Hazel’s “Say it with Flowers.”
And as long as we’re going there, “The Way You Drink Your Coffee” by sabrina_il is like, everything I love in fic.
(I also enjoy how hockey tumblr loves to provide the nsfw visuals to go with all the fic.)
I’m also crazy obsessed with imogenedisease’s hockey original fic, “You Could Make a Life,” and then all of the sequels and spin-offs.
Oh yes, “Say It With Flowers”!! I can’t remember the sabrina_il one, but…I’ve probably read it and this is a good excuse to re-investigate. Hmmm what else was I thinking of, of course I can’t remember anything now. Hockey tumblr, A+ work.
I haven’t read “You Could Make a Life”! I’ll have to check it out!
You should read imogenedisease if you haven’t. Her stuff is under hockey rpf but it’s almost entirely original characters. She’s got a lot of great stuff but “you could make a life” is sort of where the universe started expanding and lately I’ve been partial to “between the teeth”.
Hello friend who rec’d the same fic I did. Every time I think I’ve chosen a favorite couple (Mike & Liam), I’m reminded how great everyone else is (David & Jake! David is becoming a real boy. Ulf! He is wonderful. And Dan & Marc! And everyone!)
Hello! They’re all so great and I love them all even when I hate them (DAVID).
This is not hockey fic but if you haven’t read Check Please! you should. It’s a webcomic about an ex figure skater who joins a college hockey team. It’s cute. And heartbreaking. But mostly cute.
The Responsible Science series by Lettered is so good I want alternate fanfic written about it. It’s the Avengers, focus on Bruce Banner. Also, if you like Xmen read Nezumi Pis Xmen series. One of the titles is Cerebro was built by Hippies. Its a good thing I’m at work and unable to link things because this comment would be so long.
OHHHHH, I just remembered an epic HP fic, which I found years after it was written, but it’s amazing and still holds up well. It’s Harry/Draco, which I did NOT understand at the time, but now I am 10000% on board. http://trickster.org/res/transfig.html
(Yes it’s 2015 and I’m talking about Harry Potter fic, what of it.)
The one where Harry wasn’t good enough for his American boyfriend and then had to undo all the sigil booby-traps in the Hogwarts castle with Draco!
Oh, I love that one.
Ah, yes! That one’s amazing, but I think I like the Snape/Neville prequel even better! http://archiveofourown.org/works/1104139 Night Blooming Heartsease by Julad (but written with resonant’s permission!)
I have basically no interest in Sherlock, but philalethia writes the dirtiest, best genderswapped Johnlock that even a non-fan can enjoy.
If you like Revenge, “Insurance” by frabjous is some filthy, amazing character work.
My main, super-weird fandom is figure skating fic, and anything by Mosca is absolute gold.
If Johnny Weir is your thing, may I recommend Training Season by Leta Blake: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18781329-trai…
Wild blueberries and raspberries — nothing beats picking your own in the middle of the woods.
And, now it’s April, which means summer warmth, sunshine, dry ground, is coming up so soon! I’ve been filling the rainy days making summer plans. We’re planning a canoe trip which I’m incredibly excited about (although, sadly, not in blueberry season) which means campfire food, paddling till your arms ache, roughing it in the bush. It’ll be lovely!
Toasties, what are you excited about for summer?
SUNSHINE! And the beach, oh golly, am I ready for the beach. I moved “down the shore” last year but didn’t really take full advantage of the ocean – I will definitely be changing that this year.
Ooh, beach weather!! Maybe it’s the influence of too many Archie comics, but I’d love to live close to the ocean!
Avengers and all the summer moooooovies!
Long days. Every few more minutes of sunlight are so precious. Finally it doesn’t feel like the day is over when the workday is over.
And I feel a bit of a guilty twinge at this once, since tornadoes destroyed a whole lot in the region yesterday, but DARK SCARY VIOLENT THUNDERSTORMS. The kind that build up over an unbearably humid day and fix everything in a big booming catharsis.
Oooh thunderstorms. I’m looking forward to warm rain — the kind of rain where you can run outside and just enjoy
Stripping my baby down naked before feeding her. She is so messy! It will be nicer to hose off a baby than do more laundry. THough the laundry doesn’t squirm when you wash it… hm…
Laundry takes less time, and is much less adorable!
Going to the chapel and going to watch somebody get maaaaaaaaarried.
Heading to Jamaica for high school friend’s wedding. Hope it’s good.
I had a rough 1-2 weeks, guys! I felt lonely and isolated from a lot of people in my life, I had a lot of emotions roiling near the surface, I was starting to doubt my inner compass, I wasn’t sure I was “doing” things right, some guy I’ve been sort of having fun with but sort of tolerating made fun of my body, and then I found out a man kidnapped and raped a woman in a house on the street right next to me, for five days. In the neighbourhood I grew up in.
I felt awful for her. I wasn’t really scared for myself, or shocked — just shaken and sad. I was so angry at all the people showed on the news who said dumb things about how “good” the neighbourhood was, that the area has schools and even a CHURCH (gasp), and the neighbours are so friendly. Like bad, terrible things don’t happen in good neighbourhoods, that bad things don’t happen near schools, and bad things *certainly* do not happen in churches. Gregarious people can’t do bad things.
When they got the neighbours’ description of this man as quiet, kept to himself, kept his head down when he was out, I was like, “That’s me too, you idiots.” Everything people were saying was so useless and about themselves, and what they thought the world was supposed to be like.
I was crying that I was near this woman who needed help but I didn’t know and I couldn’t help her. I felt awful for being so much in my head during the time, and I wish we could have helped her sooner. I hope she’ll be okay and can find a way to feel safe.
An article came out later interviewing the man who found her and helped her. It was amazing and I hope people feel okay enough to read it, because I think it’s a well-written article of how to be human and to care for someone in a dangerous situation:
http://www.thestar.com/news/crime/2015/04/08/when…
Oh my god that’s traumatising. I won’t be able to read the article, but I’m glad to hear the woman survived and another human was able to help her. That kind of thing would throw me right off too. Just the sense of anger that someone’s freedom and bodily autonomy was just taken away from them, and that we live in a society that normalises the low-level end of these same concepts (when it comes to women’s bodies and personal freedom). The classist nonsense of the press is horrible too. So cruelty and abuse have never happened in middle class neighbourhoods? Ugh.
Try not to give yourself a hard time though. You couldn’t possibly have known what was happening. And it’s not as though this case negates the tough time you were going through as well. You can feel sad and angry for someone’s else’s pain without cancelling out your own, even if they are at different levels. Just the fact that you are still thinking about it now proves you’re a caring person. Maybe it would help to make a donation/volunteer for a local domestic violence or rape crisis charity? Give you the sense that you’re contributing something to the good fight. Or to services that provide free or low cost counselling to victims of violent crime, if something like that exists in your area.
Thank you so much! I would have never thought of the charity/volunteer contribution, and I will definitely think about it. Thank you so much.
I’m so sorry about everything that happened. I’m relieved and comforted by how respectful that article was, and I hope that that woman will recover in whatever way is best for her.
I do hate how something so terrible can happen and all anyone can talk about is how it doesn’t make sense in the way they see the world. But you’re definitely not responsible for what happened, no matter what you were going through at the time. It’s hard to feel like your own pain is worth it, when there are worse things going on in the world, but in the end you are doing the best for yourself and for your community that you can, and you are deserving of self-care, even if that’s just taking some time to be in your own head.
Thank you! Sorry for the super late reply as I was out of the country, but I made a note to come and say I appreciated your comment.
Music Thread? 2015 has had a lot of great releases so far, I’ve been replaying Sufjan’s ‘Carrie & Lowell” and Father John Misty’s “I Love you, Honeybear,” nonstop these past few weeks. Looking forward to Best Coast’s “California Nights,” Speedy Ortiz’s “Foil Deer” and Built to Spill’s “Untethered Moon”
Also heard Yuna’s cover of “Strawberry Letter 23” in an H&M ad and am exploring more of her work
What are other toasties listening too?
HOUNDMOUTH
That’s all I’ve got because that’s the only thing I’ve been listening to for like a month.
The World/Inferno Friendship Society has long been one of my favorite bands and they’re coming to Chicago this year and I’m going to finally get to see them live!!!! So a lot of that, mostly.
Oh my god, W/IFS is one of the best live acts I’ve ever seen!! I went to Hallomas a few years ago (right around the time Addicted to Bad Ideas came out, I think?) and it was akin to a religious experience. I hope you have a fantastic time!!
(I’m from Bridgewater – of Bridgewater Astral League infamy – you know how the first song on Red-Eyed Soul was called “Brother of the Mayor of Bridgewater?” – that’s…actually a true statement. Jack Terricloth is legitimately the brother of one of our former mayors. That BLEW MY MIND when I found that out.)
When I was in college one of the first times I went to NYC with just friends was to see The World/Inferno Friendship Society and it was AMAZING. I don’t even listen to them but I count that as one of my top live music experiences. The last song of the night was this kind of waltz? And I didn’t really know most of the people I was there with but we all automatically paired up and did terrible, sweaty waltzes in the mosh pit.
I finally bought the new Decemberists album and am utterly thrilled, to my own complete lack of surprise.
I also took advantage of the USB port in my new car (I have been driving a 2000 Taurus up to now so this is like LIVING IN THE FUTURE) and dumped most of my library into it and hit “random,” which means my drive to work this morning was Yael Naim, Britney Spears, Dessa, and Carbon Leaf. So classy.
What a Terrible World has been the happy happy companion to my no-good-very-bad roadworks-filled commutes through the unlovely British greyness since I bought it last month, which has naturally triggered a wallowing in the back-catalogue. It’s been a very Decemberist Spring!
I am going to see Devin Townsend tomorrow so I’ve been listening to him, and I also just got tickets for L7 in June, so I will shortly be moving on to them!
And the new Faith No More album is out in a month so that will be played a lot.
I’ve been listening to the new Dwight Yoakam the last few days and it’s so good.
http://www.npr.org/2015/04/05/396881299/first-lis…
This is a last year release, but I’ve been listening to the soundtrack of Only Lovers Left Alive a lot. Amazing soundtrack.
Another newish release is the new Faith No More, which is excellent.
LIFE IN FILM!
I bought Paloma Faith’s third album last month and have pretty much been listening to it non-stop, with breaks for Sam Cooke
I’ve been listening to Young Fathers, Courtney Barnett, and the new Jon Spencer Blues Explosion on repeat all week.
I love Yuna’s cover of Frank Ocean’s “Thinkin Bout You”
It’s that time of the year when college students have to start considering grad school (too damn early, I might add, given that I’m still working out my major/s). I know there are a metric fuckload of librarians and MFAs on this site. How did you decide to go? Where did you apply/go? Is it worth it In This Economic Climate?
I’m about to graduate with my MLIS and have a staff library job. I recommend asking yourself the following questions:
1. Do you really want to be a librarian? (Though this can include non-“librarian” jobs like research data management, competitive intelligence, etc.)
2. Like, really really really want to?
3. What kind of librarian-type do you want to be? Helping teens find graphic novels or crosswalking metadata for a university repository?
4. How do you feel about any debt you might already have?
Then weigh the answers to 3 and 4 against each other. If you’re interested in the technical kind of librarianship, you can probably handle a little more debt because the job prospects and pay are better.
As for where to go, that depends on where you live and (again) what you want to do. You’ll often hear that it doesn’t matter where you go, the MLIS is just a professional stamp and they’re all the same so you should just go to whatever school is cheapest. That might be true for things like public librarianship, I don’t know. But in my experience, it is NOT at all true for metadata/systems/data curation. And if you’re looking at online programs, be extra discerning. Good luck!
Honestly, the best advice I ever got was to wait 5 years. I went out into the world, paid my bills, and got experience under my belt. I got a chance to work at things, see what appealed to me, and make a good choice re: grad school. YMMV, but I might consider giving the working world a year or two – grad school can be pricey and it’s worth it to know that you really, really, really want to do it and that you’re doing exactly the program you want to do.
Also, sometimes they’ll help pay your tuition!
I think it’s been improving, there’s more hiring going on lately. I’m in a public system so all that 2008 mess torpedoed everybody’s budgets for a long time (no raise for five years). Salaries vary widely between different counties and schools but there IS decent money, even below management.
I went to library school so long ago now that all of my advice there is certainly outdated, but the online programs really broadened the availability. I went where I went because I had no choice (though luckily it was a good school, til they closed the program.).
I’m a librarian. I decided almost on a whim–I had thought of it in college, been told that it was getting more and more computer-oriented, decided not to do it, went for an MA in English, decided I didn’t want to teach, and so went to library school (I went to UNC-G). As for worth it in this economic climate… I think it depends. 1., have you worked in a library before? Are you willing to do lots of internships in library school? Are you willing to learn techy things? Most library jobs that pay anything don’t care as much about your schooling, they care about experience. If you graduate without every working in a library, at least as an intern who is really doing more than shelve books you won’t get hired easily. 2., Think about what sort of library you may want to work at. University libraries can be almost as much work as being any other tenured faculty job–research, teaching, plus normal work. Public libraries have a very different feel. I really like museums and historical societies. Also, do you want to do libraries or archives? That sort of thing should help determine where you go to library school, what sort of internships you want, and whether you’ll need another master’s degree. It’s not the best paying job, especially not at first, but if you’re willing to do research, and if you go to a good library school that gives you access to good internships, you can do well.
YES. Get in the building, even as a volunteer. Get that on your record. I was trained very well at Borders, and it was harder work, but it didn’t get me hired.
Thirding the internship/volunteer/DO THE WORK strategy. I did three internships and a year of volunteering, and I have no doubt that’s the only reason I’m gainfully employed in my field today.
Me too–I actually hadn’t worked in a library prior to library school, but I did an internship during school, and then I interned/volunteered at three different libraries–two of those places eventually gave me part-time jobs, then one of those turned into a full-time job, and that led to me getting a job in a larger library. It takes time, but it works!
first off, I figured out if I could go to a school for my MLS that if it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t be totally screwed with debt (I was basically thinking less than 10,000 was not going to be horribly awful).
Then I read as much advice about how to get a job as I could find online (I like http://letterstoayounglibrarian.blogspot.com/ and the http://hiringlibrarians.com/ and what I would be willing to do (move to a new place where I knew no one was a big one, which I have since done).
Then I hoped it would work out! (so far so good?)
I went straight from undergrad to a PhD program in English. And then at the end of it I decided that maybe I didn’t want the life of an English professor after all. So I went and worked in a library for a couple of years, then library school, and now here I am a couple of library jobs later.
It worked out all right in the end (for me. And I’m one of the lucky ones, I should emphasize), but if I had it to do over again: 1) I would have taken time off between college and grad school, because if you don’t have that perspective, it’s very easy to believe the Academia Is The One True Career Path And All Others Are Unworthy belief system that grad school will push on you; 2) I might not have stuck around after getting the subject master’s, even though I’m a weirdo who actually enjoyed writing (most of) my dissertation; 3) I would have periodically stopped to ask myself, how badly do I want a job in one of two fields where jobs are scarce and you don’t always get to decide where you live? (This wasn’t something that I thought I cared about when I was 22, but I cared about it a lot more at 30, and even more so at *cough*almost 40*cough*.)
TL;DR: This Economic Climate is not kind to PhDs or librarians. Then again, This Economic Climate sucks for nearly everyone, and I don’t think the world really needs more people deciding to be bankers.
I could complain about everything that’s happened this week, but what would be the point because the important thing that’s happened is that the depression-monster is back. The most distinctive symptom of depression for me is this empty, sucking feeling in my chest. It’s not heartache, it’s more like the feeling that my heart has been removed and the rest of me is caving in around the empty space. I remember once in college, waking up and looking over at my empty bookshelf (all the books were packed for the end of term) and thinking yes, exactly like that.
Sadly I’ve gotten pretty good at this part. I know what to do: exercise, real food, sleep but not too much, and generally keeping my brain so occupied that I don’t have enough spare cycles to beat myself up with. And reminding myself that as long as all I want to do is sit on the couch stuffing myself with junk food and half-watching whatever I can marathon on Netflix, what I want has nothing to do with what’s going to happen. Still. I would like to take this opportunity to kick my heels and scream about how this isn’t fair, you know?
Any support/sympathy/brain-cycle-using distractions you have to offer would be very, very welcome.
If I can find an absorbing book, that is helpful for me– either something frothy and comforting and silly, or something hard in ways that my life isn’t. Escapist, in either direction.
I did pick up a promising book this morning. Hopefully that will help.
Yeah I think I get the most use out of exercise, but also especially outdoor exercise whenever I can, because for me a lot of times depression has this really…I don’t know exactly, like I feel like it infects the physical space that I’m in and makes it really claustophobic, so walking around outside, throwing all the windows open, &c. is really good for me.
(in related news: Every. Single. Winter. is a god-damn nightmare)
I hear you on winter. I would have had a much better day yesterday if it hadn’t been pouring down rain & I could have gotten out for a walk or something.
Oof, my sympathies to you. For me it can help to focus on carefully completing little rituals of taking care of myself. I work from home, so while I often wear sweatpants and no bra all day, it can make me feel more cared for to put on a cute dress and a little makeup, even if no one else sees me.
Mmm, good point. I might get all fancy to go to my writing group meeting tomorrow, just ’cause.
Aw, honey, all the support and sympathy for you. This sucks, doesn’t it? It really isn’t fair.
When I was having a hard time a while back I got a grown-up coloring book and some nice colored pencils, and coloring turned out to be a really nice semi-meditative, calming thing to do. That might help with your brain cycles, maybe?
I do this but listen to an audiobook at the same time, especially when the anxiety is choking me. It really helps to occupy multiple parts of my brain and be repetitive and soothing.
Thaaaaat sounds perfect. Audiobooks and coloring on the schedule for this evening.
*hugs tight* This is something by Ned Vizzini (RIP): Ski. Sled. Play basketball. Jog. Run. Run. Run. Run home. Run home and enjoy. Enjoy. Take these verbs and enjoy them. They’re yours, Craig. You deserve them because you chose them. You could have left them all behind but you chose to stay here.
So now live for real, Craig. Live. Live. Live. Live.
Live.
Thank you.
Depression is a garbage monster and I am sorry it’s visiting you right now. I’ve had it bad for the last three months and I think it’s *maybe* starting to loosen its grip now that it will be warm again (starting tomorrow!) but I don’t want to get my hopes up, because, well, you know.
+1 to the getting outside suggestions, if it’s possible. If not, I find cleaning my apartment (even though I hate doing it) can help, because it makes me feel less trapped and claustrophobic if my space is semi-inviting.
Hugs and good luck to you.
“I have a clean apartment” was actually on my list of “things I have not failed at recently” that I made this morning! It is weirdly satisfying. (It was probably the reason I didn’t turn into a useless lump yesterday.) But you know, the bathtub could always be cleaner, I’m sure.
Thank you.
Everyone’s posted about really important self-care methods, and I just wanted to put it out there, I recently went on Lexapro after a lifetime of denying myself meds, and it’s helped so much. The little voice telling me I’m worthless is gone.
Good luck, you are fighting the good fight.
Oh my goodness I hear you. I would not be able to do any of this self-care stuff if not for my Celexa; I would have spent all day curled up under a blanket hating myself instead. Meds are not sufficient for me but they are vital to the process.
Remember, you will feel better again! Probably sometime soon! For me this is always hard to remember when I’m in the middle of a down-time, but it does help to think about.
Have you tried taking vitamin D? I now take it year-round, regardless of how much sun there is. 1,000 IU per day. It has seriously changed my life.
Sending Hugs!
Thank you! Yeah, right now it feels like it will never stop, but I know it will. I mean, it wasn’t here last week.
I have a pretty good fruit source in the Reading Terminal Market and my own neighborhood’s farmstand during the summer, but the fruit I long for is fresh figs. Purple/brown ones, preferably. They really are only good for a few weeks at the end of summer; blink and you’ll miss it. A couple of years ago I dated a guy who had a friend with a fig tree that would explode every August, and I don’t miss the guy but I do miss the tree.
Along the same lines: apricots. Apricots come into RTM periodically throughout the year, but there is nothing like an apricot grown in a PA or NJ orchard in the heat of high summer. Those apricots are like jewels. They are like candy made of the sun. I missed them entirely last year and it is one of my great life regrets.
FIG TWINS. My grandmother had some once, many moons ago, and I have never fallen harder for a fruit. But I never seem to catch them in stores or farmers markets around here! Though I’m pretty sure we’re regionally fairly close – if I find any, I will absolutely let you know.
In, y’know, August. 🙁
Girl, we’ve got each other covered. I think a lot of the fruit providers at my Philly markets are from NJ (Fruitwood Orchards for example, and I’ve definitely bought a “Pine Barren” honey before lol whut) so I’ll holla if I see any here, too!
Hey! I work at several Philly farmers’ markets, and always go a little nuts when figs start coming in. Let me know if you want me to give you a heads up when/if that happens! Protip: Mill Creek Farm out in W. Philly has outstanding figs when they’re in season.. Feel free to touch base if you ever want to talk markets, food, whatever! lkelly81 at gmail.
Also, I’m a lurker extraordinaire here and this is my 1st post! Go figure it was RTM that pulled me out of my shell. I adore that place.
screw it, just signed up for an intense debate account. tada!
I LOVE that it is RTM and Philly farmshare talk that pulled you out of your shell. Emailing now.
Philly friend! Hello! We really should do a Toast meet up (I say for the fourth time without ever taking any action).
I’m up for a Philly meetup! Went to a pinup at Eulogy a few years ago but didn’t get to any others bc my schedule is so wacky.
Okay, that’s it! I am making a Phillytoast Google group. I’ve toyed around with the idea of a Phillytoast Twitter list (not unlike the existing Toast Twitter list) to make it easier for Philly-area folks to find each other, but I think more folks have Google accounts. Will you try it out? https://groups.google.com/d/forum/phillytoast
You should be able to request to join, but I can’t see that part since I am the host. If this seems easy to use I’ll send it to a few other Phillytoasts I know on Twitter.
I once had a fig vinaigrette at some restaurant and it was so good. I tried to make it on my own, but there were no good figs in Reading Terminal or in the Italian Market. I look forward to continuing my quest this summer.
wanna hear my main concern for the past few weeks?
I’ll present it to you in the form of a song!
Weird Leg Pain
Weird Leg Pain
Why Can’t I just Ignore It?
Weird Leg Pain
Weird Leg Pain
I don’t like my HMO doctor!
Weird Leg Pain
Weird Leg Pain
Does this mean I’m getting old?
I think it doesssssssssss!
bad headache
bad headache
it’s probably brain cancer
bad headache
bad headache
i’m going to die
i have this exact thought roughly every 2-3 months.
and the related, but less dramatic “so I guess maybe I get migraines now? I shoud probably get this checked out or something?”
only then I don’t; see above
¯_(ツ)_/¯ self-care, I am not great at it
Hey, if you can deal with your migraines without intense prescription meds, that’s pretty awesome. I started on Imitrex for mine around ten years ago and they’ve gotten way worse since, which is totally anecdotal and doesn’t necessarily mean the Imitrex is triggering rebound headaches. But I used to be able to function without it and now I can’t, so…there’s that.
yeah, I dunno. I only work until 4:30 and mine typically hit in the late afternoon. So at worst I’ve left work early a few times. nothing genuinely seems to help except passing out and waking up many hours later.
lately i’ve had some success with smelling peppermint oil. I also suspect this might be due to horrible sinuses rather than genuine migraines but the symptoms are pretty similar so not sure.
and good luck with your own. there’s something so exasperating about this type of pain, because you just can’t put it to the side and get on with everything else in life, it is the most greedy and demanding kind of pain.
I just realized my comment was kind of ambiguous – I didn’t mean “hey, my migraines are worse than yours,” I just meant that you shouldn’t feel bad about not going to a doctor for them, because it’s possible that dealing with your migraines the way you’re doing is actually the best thing for them. I wish I had never gotten on Imitrex, but it’s too late now. But then again, I don’t really want to badmouth triptans because I have only very anecdotal evidence against them, they’re a real lifesaver for a lot of people, and it may be that my migraines would have gotten worse anyway, even without them.
I’ll give peppermint oil a try. The only non-med thing that works for me so far is to get my heart rate way up, and keep it up, the second I start to feel a migraine coming on. If I can catch it while it’s still a vague feeling in my temple, before it becomes genuine pain, I can jump on my bike and bike hard for half an hour and then it is usually gone by the time I stop. But that’s obviously not something that’s usually a possibility. I recommend it, though, because it works and also I feel like I’m in some kind of non-violent, non-offensive version of the movie Crank.
oh! i didnt take it that way at all!
peppermint oil works for me, but per my internet research migraines are special snowflakes that refuse to respond equally to different treatments (like the CRANK thing kinda terrifies me buut maybe it would work?)
good luck on your fellow make-my-head-not-hurt journey
my finger hurts
my finger hurts
it’s probably arthritis
my finger hurts
my finger hurts
what the fuck i’m only thirty
my 32 year old beloved was telling me about this weird foot stiffness/pain he’s got, and in my head i was like “oh my god you have arthritis” but i didn’t say it out loud. i was like “it’s probably tendinitis because you’re SO ACTIVE haha”
Ahhh I’m just shy of 25 and I have legit arthritis in my foot. Tell your beloved that it’s probably fine, but that he should go to the doctor anyway. Sorry to be alarmist — get it checked out!
So, er, legit question here – what does an official diagnosis of arthritis do? Is there something they can do about it, or do they just go, Yep, you have arthritis, take some aspirin?
(I am getting tired of going to the doctor and being told, Yes, that’s a thing, now give us all your money. But if there’s something they could do that would improve things I will definitely go.)
Ah, so! I can’t speak for all circumstances, but: I officially have hallux rigidus, which means rigid big toe. It can happen for various reasons (weird foot shape, age), but I think mine is from an old injury that never healed properly. I haven’t really done much for it yet (because I found out a few weeks ago and I’m still pretending it’s not real). In my case, they told me to wear shoes with inflexible soles, not to put pressure on my flexed toe (e.g. don’t do lunges, pushups), don’t wear heels, I can get shoe inserts. Down the road, I can get cortisone shots, but apparently that’s something to put off as it’s not good for cartilage. Apparently one can also get their big toe joint replaced! But it does not last forever, so then you can get your toe joint fused, which is pretty much the last step.
I really don’t know what happens for any other part of the body, though. Um, my dad has arthritis in his back and was basically told to stop carrying heavy things and to do core exercises, which seems to be helping. Physical therapy seems to be good, too. I’m sorry that I don’t have any real answers for you! Maybe look into physical therapy? I’m sorry you’re hurting and that you’re not getting great help.
*grump* That to me falls into the category of “information I can dig up without paying my deductible,” so I guess it’s aspirin and trial-and-error for now. And denial. I’m good at denial.
(And don’t apologize! I acknowledge that I am asking strangers on the internet for medical advice rather than going to a doctor, I deserve everything I get.)
Lower back, lower back, what are you saying? Am I dying or just aging? Let me beeeeeeeeee
this may be my favorite, because I established a very simple melody pattern, like very childhood rhyme type, and I can’t help but read yours as more of a straight up musical. Very Sondheim.
also, I feel you on that lower back stuff
aw, thanks! you’re an inspiration to us all. Also I am going to be a weirdo and stand at my desk for a while because my back is hurting.
foot pain
foot pain
weirdly only the right foot foot pain
foot pain
foot pain
is it because of my pointy flats?
is it the arch?
is it the toes?
foot pain
foot pain
i think it’s time to buy me some old lady orthos
cripes i am only 26
1) sport orthos are less likely to make you feel like an old lady
2) the cheapo $15 sport orthos at target are officially approved by my physical therapist as “better than the prescription ones” (I paid $300 for a couple of years ago)
ooh, thanks for the heads up!
In the words of Monty Python (I think)
I’m so worried about the fashions today
I don’t think they’re good for your feet
And I’m worried about the shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat
Heartburn or heart attack? Heartburn or heart attack? Heartburn or Heart attack?
Well, I’m not dead, so I guess it was heartburn.
(Not to worry, I got an EKG, it was heartburn.)
knees and shoulders
fuck you both
fuck you both
repetitive stress injuries, get in line, one at a time goddammit
FALLEN LONDON THREAD! I wasn’t around for the thread last week, oops. What is everybody doing?
I have moved into rooms at the Brass Embassy. My Connected: Hell is in the 70s now, which pleases me. One of the game cards associated with this lodging is a decent source of certifiable scraps, but on the other hand, I keep getting the City Vices cards – they might drive me back to my zee-znail’s zhell before long.
I got exiled to the Tomb Colonies because my mostly-nude ballet was too avant-garde for the Court.
I also joined and then quit the Moon League – I guess I just didn’t really understand the mechanics of Moon League game play? I prefer the quick and brutal murdering of the regular Wax and Stabby games.
I moved into the Royal Bethlehem, which pleased me as both my parents worked at the Bethlem Royal Hospital in S London in real life. I am also enjoying my extra certifable scraps and also hate the City Vice cards! I hate them I hate them I hate that guy who wants the jade all the time why do you need all the jade.
Does anyone have any tips on how to increase your making waves well? I want to raise my notability but shooting for 20 making waves is killing me.
Get an orphanage or a salon. It can “store up” making waves for you, and then you can “release” them when you need a gigantic boost for Notability purposes.
Use BDR equipment to reduce the Making Waves requirements. It helps *a lot.*
The “A Polite Invitation” storylet creates a good deal of MW, but you have wait for it to come up. “The life of the mind” storylet in the Palace creates only 1 point of MW, but is extremely reliable if you can pass the check. You can sit there and spam it all day. Inviting people for dinner at your lodgings creates a decent amount, but you can only do it 5x per week. Between them all you can do pretty well.
Thanks! I am going to have to look up orphanages or salons as I’ve not heard of those before! I have quite a lot of BDR items – I guess it’s time to equip them!
Get yerself a Handsome Townhouse and check out the options on its opportunity card!
In addition to smeesmeesmee’s recommendations, the illustrious NiteBrite created a chart of which item conversions give a small amount of Making Waves, which you can see here: http://fallenlondon.wikia.com/wiki/Items_%28Guide…
But definitely get a salon or orphanage. Salon is better, I hear. (I have an orphanage.)
I finally completed the Cave of the Nadir (enough for now anyway) and have started construction on my zubmarine. I have rooms at the Brass Embassy as well! Though my highest connected is the Rubbery Man at 63.
THE MOON LEAGUE IS A LIE. It is supposed to be this beard-stroky diabolical game of faking out your opponent and it ends up being exactly as random as Waxy Stab Regular Edition but takes six times as long. CONSIDER THE EVIDENCE: I have now played 8 matches in the Moon League and I have lost 7. In every single case except for one, I had significantly higher stats in my attack form and lost anyway. The single time I won, my stats were lower than my opponent’s.
MR IRON WE NOW HAVE AN INTERNET BEEF
And you can’t ever leave the moon league? I haven’t figured out how to anyway. It just seems so anticlimactic.
You can leave w/ an option back at the Gameskeeper’s Cottage, but I can’t because if I go there I might run into Iron, and WE’RE BEEFING
my money’s on you when it comes to beefing tho
I am TWO POINTS of shadowy away from finally getting to 100 in all my stats. UGHHH So close, I would just buy a stat boosting item and get it done with but that would mean removing one of the other stat boosting items.
I moved into the Royal Bethlehem and now need to make myself a bejewelled lens so I can look at my food with it. Then had the somewhat dubious achievement of my main and my alt going mad at the same time (who knew you could get your nightmares up to 12?); that’s a lot of cats and mirrors, I tell you.
Also went to Polythreme, which took FOREVER to get anything done but on the upside I still have a bunch of stuff to do the next time I go. Also the Iron Republic, which may be my new favourite place: it is completely bonkers and I love it.
Off to breed myself a Hound of Heaven!
There are some storylets where you can just keep repeating the action even if your menace goes over 8, so as long as you don’t leave or do anything else it can just keep getting higher and higher!
If I recall correctly, I was in the Cave of the Nadir and did something unwise – not there are any wise options in that place, really – and went from 6 or 7 to 12 in one click. But yes, it wasn’t until I left the cave that I went mad.
Apparently there is some way you can get wounds, nightmares, scandal and suspicion simultaneously to 8 and I am…intrigued. Well, Insufficiency Jones is; Theoretta Rizing has no interest in dying in the Neath.
I want to meet the Repentant Forger at some point and apparently you can only do that if you go to prison? But I presume they confiscate all your echoes and it maybe messes with you in other ways, so I’m hesitant about that.
I do believe you can only meet the Repentant Forger in prison, but don’t worry about having your echoes confiscated. As for other things, apparently the Absolution Solution stops working if your criminal record gets too high, but I’ve been three times and it hasn’t happened yet nor has anything else bad. Go ahead and get yourself tossed in the hoosegow!
What is the Iron Republic like? I want to go very badly but it will take ages for me to get enough Mark of Credit pages for my safe-conduct.
I’ve only done one loop but a lot of the storylines are based on checks against weird qualities like Gang of Hoodlums, Committed (so glad I got hitched to the Master Jewel Thief before I zailed), Heartless, Admirer of Art etc. Apparently you can cycle through again and again and get different choices every time, and the text is just…deliciously zany. It’s kind of like the Neathy equivalent of an acid trip.
Thanks for the info to get hitched before going to the iron republic! I don’t even have my ship yet so it is way in the future — but I do have my safe-conduct.
I live there! I think from reading the wiki that looking at food is more about qualities than echoes? You won’t get 12.50 echoes of goods out of it….
That’s cool, weird stuff and cool experiences are more interesting to my character than Neathly goods anyway. Now to find a Magnificent Diamond!
I’ve been thrown out of the University! THOSE JERKS.
I’m now at a point on all of the major storylines I’m working on (Solving Cases Around London, the Cheesemonger, the Labyrinth of Tigers) where the next thing to happen requires a certain opportunity card to show up, so… just waitin’, I guess.
Online dating thread? This will take forever to show up,so it’ll probably be up before you see this, but! Here we go.
Dude never texted again. Just…silence. I mean, I get it, it was two dates, you don’t owe anybody anything. But I just feel like it’s the considerate thing to do to be like, “Hey, I don’t actually think this is going to work for me.”
I am taking a break from dating, partly because I find it boring and exhausting and partly because a few days ago I just got really jazzed on the idea of having time to/with/for myself. Wouldn’t say no to a FWB situation, but that’s about it. No interest in anything else all of a sudden.
So lame. I find that rude. It was two dates, you don’t owe anybody anything, but you kind of do?
Go for it. Feeling jazzed about anything is a great feeling, and when it’s about you, it’s even better.
I don’t know whether I find it rude (because, indeed, you don’t owe anybody anything) but I certainly find it more considerate to text to break it off. And it leaves things so much more clear!
I have twice semi-recently sent the “hey actually I’m not feeling it” message after two dates with someone; in one case I received an “I totally understand” reply, and in one case no reply at all, and in both cases I felt so much better and calmer after sending the message. Hurray direct communication!
Yes, for sure, the direct communication is great! I’ve received enough positive response — just “thanks for at least letting me know instead of letting me hang” — that I know it’s the way to go and to treat other people (unless they massively squandered good will by being terrible, etc.).
I think if you get somebody to go on two dates with you and invest even two dates of time to get to know you, you can at least say, “Thanks for the time, but I’m not interested in more.” Just a text! It’s not physically taxing!
Yes, exactly! I was a little confused because he had replied positively to something I’d texted him and then it was just…silent. Like, dude, if you’re going to ghost, really COMMIT.
And I’m always conflicted because I *do* think it’s rude even though I feel like I shouldn’t? Like, no, it’s not the fact that we went out on dates that means I think people *should* say, “Hey, I don’t think this is for me,” I just think it’s because we’re people fumbling towards interaction and intimacy and I value honesty and manners and niceness. I have done the “duck the calls and never respond again” thing and I felt shitty. I think when they’re a nice enough person (because obviously if they are horrible you are not required to do anything except maintain your safety and sanity), you owe them enough to be polite just on the basis of our awkward humanity.
Text etiquette is a mess of passive-aggressive headaches no matter what you do. Apparently my phone service stopped delivering texts from other carriers without notifying me a little while back, and I only found this out a month later because that’s how long it took for someone to call and ask me why I wasn’t responding to their texts instead of immediately deciding I was ignoring them on purpose and forming an eternal blood vendetta
I went on a date last night and I am feeling lukewarm about it. The dude was nice, we have some common interests, we have similar ideas about what we’re looking for out of dating, and similar values. It was better than I expected based on his message style (he uses a lot of unnecessary words like therein and query, and his texts are really long, but his in person conversation style is much more relaxed). I don’t know, I guess I didn’t feel much chemistry? I usually feel it right away, so now I am debating whether I should go out with him again to see if any develops, or just leave it at that. I do not know why I’m feeling so indecisive, I guess I’m just used to having clear feelings one way or the other.
I guess one reason I’m flailing is that I really want to get laid? And I can’t decide how much I want that vs. how much I want to hold out for better chemistry. Bah.
Yeah, if Mr. Ghosted-after-two-dates were to say, “So I don’t think we’ll work as a couple, but the sex was fun and would you want to do that again?” I would be all. over. that. I definitley understand the desire to look at something sub-optimal and say, “But…sex?”
I’m very strongly pro-second date if you’re unsure. Very few people are at their best on a first date and you just never know!
This is a good way to look at it, thank you.
The dude I’ve been seeing (originally from OKC) introduced me to a bunch of his friends last week and he met one of my best friends in this city last night. In the past week things have suddenly felt a lot more domestic, in a way that is both really nice and really terrifying. Aaaaaahhhhhhh.
I went on my first ever Tinder date last week. The guy was sweet, nerdy, a good conversationalist, and we snuck into an auditorium after hours, which was cool. We kissed goodnight. I’m not sure if I feel a spark, and I have a ridiculous tendency to get farther into relationships than I should just because I’m afraid of hurting the other person, but I think I’ll at least see him again.
Found a SUPER CUTE, socially aware, cat-loving dude on OkCupid a few months ago and went in HARD. I don’t usually message first and definitely don’t usually express more-than-friendly interest right away, but it was like, damn, I gotta meet this guy. He’s super bad at messaging back but seemed interested when he did finally write back, so I’ll forge ahead.
And, in a weird twist, the guy I was semi-seriously dating last summer just Facebook messaged me. Our breakup was weird but amicable (lots of misunderstandings followed by me meeting someone else), so I’m not sure where this is going to go!
My husband is the best. He read an article on-line about Margaret Atwood, which talks about a book she wrote about science fiction called In Other Worlds. Because he knows I like science fiction and Margaret Atwood, he bought the book for me. I’ve read the first two chapters and it is really good. I am very happy to learn that she also likes comic books. It is so nice to have someone discuss these genres seriously and really look at how they fit into the the literary canon.
Ooh, great find! Adding it to my list …
I am adding that to my list too, and I must say you have selected a good husband.
Did you know that there are science fiction conventions for readers as well as one like comicon which aim at movie and TV watchers?
The WorldCon this year is in Spokane and the Hugo Awards will be presented there. ReaderCon is in Boston and caters both to readers and to writers. Many publishers choose their new writers at ReaderCon. And in Ottawa, Canada in October is CAN-CON which is particularly aimed at Canadian writers and publishers.
WisCon in Madison, Wisconsin for feminist SF & Fantasy! 4th Street Fantasy in Minneapolis for people who read War for the Oaks too many times!
I love small SF reading conventions. If you’re in the US/Canada, there’s probably one near you.
Guys, the creepy dude in my office just asked me if I wanted to go grab lunch at the place I was going to grab lunch from today and I told him no. Obviously. But now I don’t know what to have for lunch:-( Booo creepy office dude. Does every office have one? Tell me about your resident CODs!
My office is mostly excellent ladies, but we just hired a terrible dude! He isn’t creepy, but he IS smug and condescending and probably a giant misogynist. So disappointing.
I started weighing which would be worse, creeping creep or smug misogynist. But then I thought, why am I even asking this depressing question? Burn it all.
We laid off our COD a few weeks ago (and he sexually harassed me after he signed his release letter) but now the office is so great.
Our COD is involved in one of those pyramid schemes—oh, sorry, Direct Marketing Opportunities—so he used to stop by my office every day and ask me if I was looking for a way to make extra income and maybe I would like to become a rep too…?
I reported him to HR for violating our solicitation policy. 🙂 Problem solved.
Our resident COD likes to sexually harass women, and guess what! Management is doing DICK ALL.
The creepy dude in MY office sent me dick pics and told me he’s had his eyes on me for a long time.
Jesus H. That goes beyond “creepy” and into “case for restraining order.”
Oh, he got fired after that. Apparently he’d sent similar pics to someone else.
Oh, thank goodness at least 1 HR department can do their job!
edit: Not that it should take multiple dick pics to fire someone!
They were VERY prompt. He was especially creepy because he’s like 15 years older than me.
uGHghGhgHGHghhghG
I’m glad he got shitcanned but I still feel like I need a shower
*shudders* AND, later he proceeded to text me asking me if it was me. I ended up blocking him.
did the dick picks have googly eyes on tho
Have you received a dick pic with googly eyes? Do tell!
Former COD pounced on me as soon as I broke up with my ex, but in that annoying condescending way (do you need someone to talk to? We can meet after work, you look like you could use a friend…) that would make me look like a stuck up bitch for *assuming* he wanted to fuck me or whatever. I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND DUDE. Tech jobs are the worst sometimes.
Ugh.
GROSS. That guy needs to back off.
We used to have one, when we were moving offices and had flatpack cardboard boxes to pack our stuff in, he offered to put mine together for me in case I couldn’t manage to de-flatten it.
I just had a looooooong conversation with my COD about taxes. It was in my office, too, so I couldn’t leave. Urgh, good luck! I just say I have a lot to do 🙁
I had to report a COD to HR. He asked me to lunch, I said yes thinking oh he wants to be friends, then he comes by my office, gives me his number, and says “let me buy you something.” That does not sound like friendly lunch to me. I am married. Men offering to buy me things = not appropriate.
Luckily my boss and HR took swift action and didn’t downplay my feelings. He isn’t allowed to approach or talk to me anymore.
My birthday is on Sunday and I’m looking forward to all of the Facebook comments of “why didn’t you tell us, we could have celebrated” because no one remembers until they get that notification. I’m not big into celebrating, so I’ll hunker down with a bottle of wine and the 12 Monkeys finale.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you!
Happy Birthday!! *pops open wine bottle*
happy birthday! Don’t you have any relative or friend who could “accidentally” prime the birthday wishes by posting early? Then you could go out?
Or just post, “because I always forget, before it’s too late, I’m announcing it now: It’s my birthday Sunday so let’s get together, post your suggestions here”.
Can we have a support thread for people who are reading that Mystrade fic? I made it through the Scandal in Belgravia chapters last night before I had to sleep, and I am SO WORRIED about what’s going to happen in Reichenbach.
I can’t say anything except oh, love, we are here for you.
There will be tears and rage, but keep reading, it’s worth it.
Meeeeeeeee
It was amazing and brilliant and sad and god I love Molly she is awesome. Keep in there!
Hello TOASSSTTTTTT!!!! it’s been a while! I’ve been slogging through my job search and trying to keep my head above water. I’ve been reading our open threads though, and you all are amazing and awesome <3
The big news: in one week I have my first pole dance competition! It’s kind of a BFD, and somehow my category has only three individuals in it so BOOM! guaranteed medal! and it’s on my birthday! I’m getting a medal for my birthday!!!
Yay, job searching toasties! May the perfect job find you soon <3
Also yay! Pole dance! Birthday medal! This is awesome and I miss pole dance so much!
Yay, good going! Also, Happy Birthday!!
I know this is a million internet-years old at this point, but is it by chance the Atlantic Pole competition? Because I am going to support my good friend (who is AWESOME and wonderful and won her category last year). It is SUPER FUN! Everyone is so nice! Pole dancers are the sweetest/most intimidatingly-awesome! If that is where you’ll be and you tell me your competition name (here or on my twitter, LezzyBeaverman) I will cheer for you THE MOST LOUDEST.
My high school had an entire wing of dressing rooms and a really clanky old boiler under the theater that got closed off because of flooding, so naturally there are a bunch of stories about some kid who got locked in there and drowned, and if you press your ear to the stage and listen closely, you can still hear her pounding on the door…
ETA Wow, IntenseDebate, this was supposed to be in response to the (Your Region) Gothic thread.
Hi Toasties! I am back!! Surgery was scary but went well, so I have been holed up at home recovering. I am going to have a GNARLY scar on my back, and a smaller one under my arm, but at least they’ll make me look very cool.
The good news is that all of the biopsies (the lymph nodes they removed and the tissue on my back they excised) have come back negative, so I’m finished with treatments! Now I just have to, you know, make sure I don’t get skin cancer again.
THANK YOU for all of your support and love! I feel so glad to be part of this wonderful community.
Yes!!! *claps* Time to start building elaborately spun scar stories. Those are the best.
Take care of yourself! And treat yourself 🙂
YAY! I’m so happy for you! Sending many warm wishes 🙂
WooWooo! Happy healing!
Marvellous news!
I’M SO GLAD! I HOPE YOU HAVE A SPEEDY RECOVERY! *gives all the trashy magazines and cookie dough*
YAY so glad to hear good news!!
So glad to hear it went well! Take care of yourself. Sending (gentle) hugs and healing vibes.
Toasties, I have no idea how to make and keep girlfriends. I am terrible at it. I yearn for close female friendships, but they just don’t happen for me. What is my major damage? How do you make new friends in your 30s?
I see this as being just like dating, except easier in many ways. It just takes some willingness to be awkward and bold. But I’ve made new girlfriends by first being in a place where there are cool women around, chatting with people and occasionally just straight up saying “Damn, you seem awesome. It’s so hard to make new girlfriends! We should get a drink sometime!” Then some of them follow through and some don’t, some turn into real friends and some don’t. . .just like with dating. But I think the biggest hoop is often just being willing to straight out ask people on friend-dates.
dude, it is so very awkward. i was always one of those loner kids, so i hate taking the first step and risking rejection and i am not always great at bold. buuuut, i think it’s gonna be necessary to build up any new friends/develop closer networks
I host events, like craft night, or learn how to make cookies from scratch night, or movie and popcorn night. I invite all the women at work, and my other two friends, and have them bring people. It works ok. (Would work better if I did it more often I think).
And the other part is, if you have someone you want to be friends with, it’s almost like dating – you have to keep asking them to go to lunch and ride bikes and all those things that I’m pretty sure people do. It took me a long time to realize that it’s not like college – there aren’t really that many casual opportunities to just end up hanging out with people. But you could join a kickball team or something maybe…
Definitely like dating, as paddlepickle and lemonadefish say. Invite people to do things. Don’t feel bad if they don’t want to go. Give them two, maybe three chances to say yes to you before you let it go. Likewise, say yes to things. If you can’t or don’t want to say yes to a specific invite but wish to befriend the invitee, say thank you and I’m sorry I can’t make it and how about this other thing at this other date?
And be patient. It’s easier to make friends when you have friends. It’s easier to meet new people when you know a lot of people. It takes time to build momentum. But as the Awkward Army might say, your people are out there. In the meantime, enjoy dating yourself
Is there a group nearby that has similar interests? Like a sports team or craft group? I’ve made a few friends in my local quilt guild and enjoy guild events. Most of my other friends I met at church. If you’re not religious, there might be a Sunday Assembly near you?
Seconding this — sports and trivia night have saved my social life. I moved here about 3 years ago and most of my initial friends are either gone or imminently leaving (grad students, such heartbreakers). Having a regularly scheduled activity gets you out of the house, gives you something to focus on that isn’t just socializing, and eventually you come out of it with actual friends!
I make mine out of wax and keep them in my underwear drawer.
haha but for real I wish I knew
I hang around with Toasties. Then again, I’m not in my 30s yet.
I’m in my 30’s and I’ve made some Toastie friends locally! Twitter helps.
Is anyone else having this issue? I am logged in under my blog at WordPress, but unable to log out of it at the Toast. I click “log out” and either get a nonce error, or I am successfully logged out but can’t log in using my commenter WordPress name. If I click “Log in using WordPress,” it tried to open a login window, fails, and then the Toast page refreshes and I’m back logged in under my blog WordPress. Alternately, if I get to the Intense Debate login page, it fails and kicks me back to the opener again. This is like the final straw in a very long and shitty week for me.
-aravisthequeen
Haven’t seen that before but sometimes weird browser stuff can be fixed by clearing the cache? (and maybe cookies and other things).
There are cute little wild strawberries growing in my parents’ back yard! My dog sometimes eats them because she is a monster.
It might finally be getting nice, here in Chicago? Maybe?? It was nice, then terrible, then sort of nice again, but the temperatures are rising and the teeny sliver of sky I can see from my cube looks nice, soooo… yay?
Last night I was able to sit in my porch in an enjoyable way.
There was a tornado last night! You’re mad 😉
I must be, or I wouldn’t have come here!
Currently sitting on a lawn in the sunshine (in Chicago). Still got my coat on, but. Progress.
I learned yesterday that a few years ago North Dakota had a statewide referendum on whether to change the name and logo of their University’s sports mascot (previously the Fighting Sioux), and over 60% voted to get rid of it!
But they don’t have a new name yet either, so during last night’s Frozen Four the espn commentators were calling them the “University of North Dakota North Dakotans”, which was both great and hilarious.
I dunno, obviously I missed out on all the endless debates I’m sure took place pre-vote, but they fact that it passed and they went through with the change so quickly was impressive, and makes me want to shake certain other teams like “hey! it’s not that hard! get with it!”
Hahahah “Please welcome the University of North Dakota’s…Football-Playing University Students! Woooo!”
Oh man. Because I follow college hockey, which is one place that UND is a national presence, I see so much angst over this all the time. Any post that mentions UND contains multiple comments either decrying the “PC police” for taking away their mascot, or fans of opposing teams calling them the “Whioux?” as an insult. It is exhausting. But good on the respondents for voting to ditch the name!
Yeah, I’m sure there’s still a lot of terrible bellyaching over it from certain sectors. (i feel like it should be harder to decry since the ‘pc police’ in this case == the whole state of north dakota, but fans looking to maintain a racist status quo probably… don’t take that into account)
I don’t really follow hockey at the college level, except for the Beanpot, so I didn’t know they’d changed the name at all until last night. It was a nice surprise.
One day Dan Snyder will die. Until then, there isn’t a chance.
Check out the mascot at http://www.scottsdalecc.edu/
“An important part of the college’s history is encapsulated in its mascot—the Artichoke. Born during a period of student unrest in the early 1970s, Artie the Artichoke was adopted as the school’s mascot to express a difference of opinion concerning budget priorities. Originally intended to be a source of embarrassment, Artie has been embraced by students, athletes, staff, and the community as a beloved character.”
I remember the unrest. It was a new school and the student body was incensed that the board wanted a football team. Then further incensed that the board funneled a huge amount of funds to the football program no one else wanted.
Should I be concerned that my only male roommate (in a house of a bunch of people) was watching pickup artist videos/tutorials? He was watching them pretty loudly in a common area (most of what I heard was about kino and a video by that asshat Mystery). He turned it way down when he realized I was in the next room, but it still kind of made me want to vomit.
He hasn’t done anything towards me or any of my roommates that makes me think he wants to creep on us, but he does have a tendency to do kind of odd things. (As one roommate put it, there’s a disconnect.) Mostly, he’ll do something kind of dumb/annoying with common spaces, agree not to do it anymore, and then keep doing it. (Turning up the heat, recycling trash, leaving food out overnight, etc, but in a way that seems more…amnesiac than just careless.) He also once sat in the next room (in the dark!) eavesdropping on a friend’s and my conversation after barely greeting her–we know this because he suddenly started talking to her about what she and I had been talking about when she was leaving my house. Something seems a bit off with him, but he also hasn’t raised any real red flags, so I can’t tell if I’m overreacting/being paranoid.
He also once sat in the next room (in the dark!) eavesdropping on a friend’s and my conversation after barely greeting her–we know this because he suddenly started talking to her about what she and I had been talking about when she was leaving my house.
Nooooooooooooooo
Did he sign any sort of agreement to live in the house? Any way to oust him? Because yes, this is not normal.
I feel like the PUA stuff is good information about what kind of dude he is, but not a red flag that he’s actually going to do something to disrupt your lives? The eavesdropping, though, that would legit creep me out. There’ll always be some accidental eavesdropping among housemates but intentional & making it known that he did it? Definitely over a line.
I think I would also be upset. It sounds like maybe he has trouble relating to and interacting with people, and maybe he thinks PUA shit will help him?
Personally, I would be giving him major side-eye after the eavesdropping incident. That is not okay. The rest sounds like general oddball behavior, but sitting in a dark room listening in, and then entering the conversation?? completely different level of strange. 🙁
I can see forgetting to not put food away, and maybe forgetting to put stuff in trash rather than recycling, but it seems to me like it would be hard to forget not to turn the heat up. In general, I would be inclined to suspect that he is not so much failing to remember these things as failing to give a shit about other people.
that’s just, like, the way he IS, man, can’t expect him to CONFORM to your EXPECTATIONS
I know of guys who got into PUA because they were shy or awkward and the “motivational” aspects of the strategy were encouraging for them. For a guy who has no idea how to strike up a conversation and is really intimidated by women, those strategies can make it seem less scary. Most of them weren’t paying any attention to the toxic parts because, well, those don’t apply to them, right? I’m not by any means endorsing PUA, just saying that there are two major categories: predatory guys seeking predatory strategies, and awkward guys trying to learn how to be less intimidated.
From what you’ve mentioned here, sounds like he’s in the “socially awkward and confused” category. It’s possible he just doesn’t know how to interact with people and is failing badly at his attempts. I can see how a socially awkward person might listen to other people interacting normally to try to figure out how it’s done. Then later he’s like, “You interact socially by talking about things of interest to the other person, so I shall do that!” And may not have figured out how weird that behavior is. I don’t know if your guy has a social disorder of any kind, but it sounds like he might, and these behaviors might just be him trying to figure out how to interact with others. Maybe even the ignoring your requests part is hard for him? Like, maybe he can’t sort out in his brain why he would stop doing something he prefers out of deference to housemates, because that’s a social interaction thing too. Understanding why we make compromises for others we are living with is a social dynamic, and it sounds like he has a lot of confusion about social dynamics.
Mostly the reason I’m suggesting ANY of this is that you’re saying he doesn’t feel predatory to you and he’s not raising other red flags. If he starts edging toward “creeper” or makes you uncomfortable or if you get even the whiff of a vibe that you don’t like, by all means, get him out of there. But from these specific examples, my first impulse is some kind of social disorder. An actual disorder, not just a shy person or an awkward one. Sounds like he is genuinely confused about how people interact.
EVERY man I know always turns the heat DOWN, not up, until I am shivering and freezing. So…. you kindof have it good?
I assume that all of you are in your late teens to early twenties? If so, he’s most likely just an immature twit. When he gets out of line, say so.
Be polite, but firm. And get the other girls to do the same. Either he will shape up, or leave. So win, win.
How did he get to be the only male in a house full of women, btw? I’ve lived in communes/co-ops and we usually went for roughly equal gender numbers.
But it was a different time. Since we also cooked and ate dinner together, and had a rotating chore list, anyone who did not shape up in a hurry, stopped being fed. And eventually was told to leave.
When term is up is usually a graceful time to kick someone out.
Thanks, everyone (I hope this reply goes to all of you!). It’s good to have outside validation that that was pretty damn weird but not necessarily a huge waving red flag.
To answer some questions: we’re all young working adults, mid-20s or older. I’m not sure why the ratio ended up the way it did. I know the roommates in charge of choosing people barely vetted me. Luckily, it’s generally worked out well besides this issue. I do wonder sometimes if he has feelings about the gender dynamics/ratio.
As for general social skills, he kind of switches between barely grunting hello and being very engaging/friendly (in a good way). That generally doesn’t bother me, since I’m often exhausted/busy when I get home and don’t really want a long chat (I sometimes wonder if he’s just like that around me because I seem unfriendly, though I always say hi and am polite). But the oddness/his kind of odd moods mean I usually don’t start conversations with him because I feel kind of uncomfortable around him unless he’s in a chatty mood.
I know one of the housemates is leaning towards wanting him out because of the not-following-instructions behavior (which goes to sometimes not paying his share of bills on time), but I’ve been on the fence about it, which is part of why this pick up artist stuff feels significant.
Halp! I want to post the “Happiest Woman In The World” photo I look this week, but I don’t know how to post photos in Intensedebate!
1. upload photo to some other site, like flickr or imgur
2. post [img src=”URL of photo”] here, except with pointy brackets instead of square ones
3. godspeed! intensedebate may ruin it anyway
Thanks! I got it after about ten tries 🙂
As Emily said, above, but make sure that url is something that ends in .jpg or .png or .gif or whatever, if it is not linking to a file it won’t display.
So I know that this has been discussed in comment threads before but I can’t find it: How do I make Flash stop being evil on the Toast??? It’s getting impossible to navigate at all. 🙁
(I’m using Chrome)
You could use a blocking plugin like FlashControl or Adblock, and target the problematic element directly (turning other stuff on if you want).
You can also disable Flash in Chrome entirely by putting “about:plugins” into the URL bar as disabling the Flash plugin (but that will break all other Flash content of course).
You can also set plug-ins as click to play! Then Flash content will just be disabled until you click on it.
In Chrome, go to Preferences and scroll all the way to the bottom of the page and click on Advanced Settings. Under the Privacy heading, click on Content Settings. Under Plug-Ins, select Click to Play.
Ah nice! Chrome isn’t my primary browser so I’m not as familiar with it vs Firefox.
Thank you so much! I never would have looked for that under Privacy. This is much better than just disabling Flash.
i have this same issue. go to chrome://plugins and you can click “disable” on flash. that will turn off flash for everything, and you’ll have to turn it back on to watch certain videos and such.
OR (but i think this depends on what version of chrome you use) but this link will show you how to disable flash for certain sites.
Any ideas on how to fix this for Firefox or… work where you have limited ability to change software preferences?
Firefox: Click the little lego block at the left end of the address bar, then click “Block Plugin.”
GOD BLESS YOU. My work computer is a piece of garbage so this will come in handy for basically every time I use a web browser.
I got FlashControl. It’s in the Chrome web store. I can turn it off when I don’t need it and it appears to have fixed the problem.
Yesterday I was at the grocery store and there was a guy who looked exactly like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but like five years younger. That is all.
There’s a guy who lives in my building who looks EXACTLY like Justin Timberlake. Like, I had never spoken about this to my brother/roommate and we were walking out of the building together and that guy was walking in dressed in a karate uniform, and we turned to each other and said simultaneously, “JT IS A NINJA”. Also he always holds the door open for me when I have my bike so I’m kind of in love with him.
.. .sorry I guess you didn’t ask for a celebrity resemblance thread but here you go.
Well, I didn’t NOT ask for a celebrity resemblance thread, so. (and seriously, he looked SO MUCH LIKE HIM, not in an “oh, from the corner of my eye he kind of” way but in an “…are you absolutely sure it’s not?” way)
One time I saw the guy who plays Locke on Lost in a grocery store in Baltimore. He looked very grumpy.
MUCH more exciting, I once saw Donald Glover getting off a plane in the New Orleans airport. I almost had to physically restrain my boyfriend, who was doing full-on cartoon heart eyes.
A friend of mine once saw Donald Glover on the street but was kind of spaced out so kind of half-recognized him in that way you recognize a friend of yours, so she said “Oh, hey!” and he was really confused and then she realized what she had done and ran away.
Hahahaha the exact right reaction
gah, working retail here the beautiful city of angels I often had to play “vague middle school acquaintance or minor actor? Pretend to recorgnize or not to recognize…quickly now!”
Ohhhh yes, this thread!
I saw a guy who looked exactly like Paul McCartney at the supermarket once. Later the same week, ON MY BIRTHDAY, I saw him again at a pizza place. I may have attempted to creepily take a selfie with him in the background, but it was too dark. Boo.
Can anyone look younger than JGL?
*lovesick sigh*
AMEN, SISTER.
I DON’T WANT TO BRAG BUT, sometimes in the right light and at the right angle, my boyfriend looks a little like JGL. He has the same hair, similar nose and eyes, and is also tall. Whenever the resemblance happens to strike me, I basically just melt into a puddle of desire.
Speaking of other celebrity resemblances, there is a girl in one of my classes who looks a helluva lot like Jennifer Lawrence, and has a similar kind of husky voice too. I spent the entire first week staring at her and trying to figure out who she reminded me of, and then was like, OH.
DON’T LET THEM HEAR YOU. *tries to hide envy*
Sometimes my mom’s fiance looks like Brad Pitt, to which I say well done, mom.
Someone needs to write the “If JGL Were Your Boyfriend” post. (Not me, though, because I don’t really want to date JGL, I just want to hang out with him and pilfer his entire wardrobe.)
I have an interview for a teaching assistantship that I want very badly (…and would pay for the REST of my grad program). Please send all your best teacherly vibes… Department administrators apparently are going to pretend to be checked-out and bored students as I teach my lesson, which seems both hilarious and intimidating. I am also directly competing for this position with my best friend, though trying not to let that psych me out.
GOOD LUCK BEE! I HAVE MY FINGERS CROSSED. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU’LL GET IT.
Break a leg!!!!!!!! I hope it went smashingly! That does sound like a stressful teaching demo.
Hello all! Would anyone be interested in a weekly thread on mental health? (I at first wrote “depression” but things like anxiety, chronic pain, and substance abuse are often intertwined so perhaps it would be better to be inclusive. Would be informal – just a space for people that struggle with this stuff (or are close to those who do) to vent and sharing ideas/resources that might help (like right now I’m reading Pema Chodron – good stuff).
I’ve personally been struggling with depression and anxiety for awhile, and its ramped up (to 11!) after a really tough year. I find I do SO much better when I can share stuff once in awhile with people who get it. My therapist suggested a meetup of people with similar issues, but… I don’t know, I don’t love group therapy-type stuff. Anyhow, any interest? Or, does anyone know of something like this elsewhere (online)?
I would love this. Chiming in to support and see what everyone else says 🙂
I’m currently sitting at my desk staring down a brand spanking new bottle of Paxil, debating with myself if I should actually take it, but then I remember that I can never get out of bed and I have panic attacks so bad that I went and drank a double vodka tonic at lunch yesterday because I thought I was going to pass out from hyperventilating and my give-a-shit levels are so low that there are days when I don’t even brush my hair… I should probably take the fucking pills. Monday seems like a good day to start.
I took paxil for a long time and, while I hated the hazy way it made me feel and some crazy side effects (i.e. eye problems and a major meltdown/suicide attempt), it did allow me to be a somewhat functional human being in a period when I had multiple panic attacks daily. Sometimes it’s just a matter of not falling completely apart until you find something that works better, you know?
Why wait until monday though? Wishing you the best <3
In a lighter note, I buzz my hair now and never have to brush it 😉
Sounds like meds could help, but who knows. My ass needed to be dragged kicking-and-screaming into the anti-depressant world. Especially after reading some of the critical pieces (this is a good article outlying of some of the key issues raised by critics – focuses more on antidepressants, but a lot of the points stand). Since I wasnt getting better with therapy, and I wanted to avoid the self-medicating-with-wine-or-other-stuff route, I gave them a try. I think they’ve been helpful overall, for me, but no huge changes.
I would love this, here or anywhere else on the interwebs (anywhere with toasties I mean, not the other people on the internet. They’re awful)
Yes yes. Internet people are mostly terrible, but mental health threads with toasties would be great.
i do better when i share stuff, too. i’m down for a weekly thread!
i mostly struggle with anxiety, mild depression, and body image/eating issues. at their best(worst), they all muddle together into a big ol’ mess.
so, i kind of have a question for those with eating disorders or other body image issues: how do you come to a place where you feel hopeful? i’ve learned to take care of myself physically, but not mentally or emotionally. all my inpatient and outpatient eating disorder treatment really focused on the physical aspect of my issues, and while therapy has helped with my other issues, like anxiety, it has never helped me with how i feel about my body. and i’ve learned to keep my body fed and relatively healthy, so i can get on with the rest of my life. but what goes on inside my head? i’ve never managed to break free from it. it just feels like…what i’ve thought can’t be un-thought. so…how did you get there? was it just…a lot of forcing yourself to think positively? affirmations? do you have techniques from breaking free from poisonous thought patterns?
I have found that thinking about myself in the third person really helps? Like if I’m down about myself, I try to consider the facts:
“GreenGrasses has her face, and it is the face she will have forever. It is a nice face. GreenGrasses’ body looks like this, and her body can do so many wonderful things! Her body is large, and pale, and sweaty sometimes, but it is, and that’s what matters!”
Stuff that like really helps me get out of my weird thought patterns – I’m prone to thinking, like, “if only I could just change this, then people would love me!” but I really need to step back and realize that I am the way I am, and people love me anyway. I hope it can help you too!
i’ve never tried this, but it sounds like it might be really helpful. thank you for sharing!
I don’t have an eating disorder, so take this for what its worth, but I definitely empathize with the need-to-get-out-of-my-head stuff. (By the way, you differentiated it from anxiety, which is interesting. My therapist would say thats a manifestation of anxiety. Personally I have no clue bc that term confuses me.) Anyhow, the book I mentioned above, Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You (cringe-y title I know) has been really helpful in getting a grasp on why this happens (though not on medical terms); just understanding it and being able to identify it as its happening can be really useful. There are other practices in the book, many of which are related to mindfulness… and I find that mindfulness can also be v. helpful in getting to a place where you’re more accepting. However, for me personally theres a huge chasm between being able to read about something and understand it better and the actual *ability* of being accepting (of everything), loving myself, and quieting that noise. Some of the mindfulness practices I’ve been told are: meditation/focus on breathing, stop what you’re doing and evaluate your environment via the 5 senses (eg what are you tasting right now), even having a cheesy mantra or 2, listing what you’re grateful for at night (or in am). Also, if you struggle with – not sure how to say it – liking yourself, one option that was mentioned to me would be putting up a picture of yourself as a child… the idea being that it might be easier to have empathy for, and try to do well by, that kid (esp good for ppl w/difficult childhood). Ironically, I think peace takes a lot of WORK. if you’ve had self-critical thought patterns for awhile – lord knows I have – it can be hard to steer that ship elsewhere. So yr brain essentially needs practice in other ways of thinking so it doesnt go on autopilot toward the bad stuff.
TBH I am guilty of writing off various “exercises’ bc they seem silly, and i think i just need to TRY things more. Like, reaffirming your worth in various ways – hell, even saying “you are good and worthy” every morning – must have some unconscious benefits! Crap didnt realize I wrote a novel, sorry!
thanks for sharing this! mindfulness sounds like, at the least, it would help me with my anxiety, and hopefully the body stuff too. it sounds like it would definitely help in the moments when i feel dissociated from my body.
putting up a picture of yourself as a child…intrigues me. i remember a moment from a television show where a therapist told a girl to picture herself as a child, and asked if she would say all the horrible things she said to her present self, would she be able to say them to that little girl? it was a cathartic moment. there was definitely a time in my past when i didn’t worry about my body. it was definitely…when i was probably 7 or 8, honestly, but that still counts. there was still some version of me who didn’t feel like this, and that’s important to remember, i think.
i separate my eating/body issues from my anxiety, mostly because as far as thought processes go, i’ve gotten better at hunting down irrational/poisonous thoughts and breaking the cycle, when it comes to anxiety. you know, reality checks, cutting off thoughts that are not helpful and are only harmful, etc. but when it comes to my body, it doesn’t work in the same way. not sure why.
Lord I wish I could just get a break from my head for like an hour sometime. Agree the picture thing is interesting… I never did it I was worried that, instead of having empathy and love for myself, I’d be like “oh thats when I had potential and was happy, before I fucked it all up *SOBS* heehee. I can see though how it might help others that may have not gotten the care they needed when young.
I do something kind of like what GreenGrasses said, but I try to … refuse to let myself talk to myself in a way that I wouldn’t talk to my friends.
Alice James says a really interesting thing about mental illness in her diary (which I recommend to everyone!), about how it’s exhausting to be doctor and patient and nurse simultaneously, all the time – you’re experiencing the illness but also monitoring yourself for the illness, and also judging how well you bear your illness, etc etc. This really resonated with me, and maybe I’ve actually partitioned my thought patterns along those lines in order to cope. When the patient part of me is getting too self-loathing or whatever, I try to switch to one of the other patterns.
Sometimes that doesn’t work and you just fake it until you make it [or don’t, as the case may be]. I’m not sure this is me getting to a place that feels hopeful, but it’s getting to a place that’s functional.
“Fake it til you make it” is the only thing that’s ever worked for me. (Well, that and meds, which make the faking it possible in the first place.) I sat down this morning and made a list of everything that’s going right in my life so that I could say to myself, look, self, by all external measures you are doing great. If your internal measures feel off, maybe your internal measures are wrong.
(Like almost all mental health advice, I think this is something you can only ever say to yourself. Because sure, the external measures might be out of whack with your priorities. But these are external measures I set for myself – having enough money to impulse-buy books, writing every day, having a clean kitchen – so clearly feeling bad about things has some other cause.)
It delights me that someone else takes the “fake-it-til-u-make-it route. Sometimes when I am TOO focused on my problems and the “illness” aspect – like when I did an outpatient treatment program with 5 hours of group therapy a day – it makes things worse. I focus too much on my issues and not enough on… I don’t know, tangible things that I can do and change and be. I start thinking of myself as a sick person and dwell on “what ifs”. Not that thats what you said at all! But for me I definitely find that sometimes just distracting myself with various things works better than, I don’t know, trying to talk myself out of negative thoughts or feelings.
I know exactly what you mean about thinking of yourself as a sick person. I bounce back and forth – sometimes I need to remind myself that this is really an illness and I need to take it seriously, and sometimes I just need to call it the depression-monster and do my best to ignore it. There’s no one strategy that works every time, which is frustrating, but I think I’m getting better at figuring out what I need when?
I’ve recently gotten into sleep hypnosis. On spotify there are a few albums by Anna Thompson that are really soothing and I think she has a body image-specific one. You could try that?
YAY! Is it weird to be excited about a depression grp? Whatever, yay to our glorious fucked-up selves!
Definitely would like a weekly mental health thread.
Last week was really bad for me. Spring is always tough.
Spring is always tough for me too. I always think I should be feeling better- it’s warmer! there’s more sunlight!- and no. Time to feel worse. Brains are weird.
I think I forget every year that I don’t have SAD, just plenty of regular depression depression, and it isn’t going to go away on a schedule.
Yes please I’m in.
I’ve just been having the worst winter and my moods are so mixed up and rapid that I’m afraid to post anything anymore anywhere. A mental health thread would be great, and I’d know that I wouldn’t have to do a trigger warning or anything (I guess?).
I just came off a 3 day mania, diving right into depression, and I’m going to bake Snickerdoodles today instead of going to my doctor’s office to pick up my prescriptions. I can’t make myself go out of the house, but gosh darn it, I’m gonna have my house smell of sugar and Saigon cinnamon.
And stare at clouds. The clouds the clouds the slumbering clouds.
Now I am so hungry, that sounds awesome. I couldnt really tell by your post whether you dont want the meds or you dont want to go GET the meds. If the latter, I have sometimes used online services like TaskRabbit where someone go gets yr meds or food or whatever… its pretty easy to sign up and while I only use it once in a blue moon, its an option for days where small tasks seem rly hard. Then there’s calling a friend, though thats more obvious. Just a thought, sorry if I misinterpreted your words.
Snickerdoodles are awesome. My daughter has had a bad week, and may come to visit me tomorrow, so we will have something to binge on.
And I don’t WANT to go pick up the meds. I have to take a taxi to my doctor’s office, not the bus or I will get lost, and I don’t want to do that either, since that will involve talking to the taxi driver, arranging for the ride, paying for the ride, finding the address of my doctor’s office … getting showered and dressed and hair & makeup done, finding something to wear … and I’m putting so many roadblocks in my way that … yup nope, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not even sure I can figure out how to turn on the shower. I’m laughing at myself a little bit here. I can make the Snickerdoodles, but I can’t go out.
I looked up TaskRabbit and they aren’t in my town yet. But there must be something similar, so I’m on the lookout for that. I used to have a pretty good support system for when I fell into a depression before getting all my errands done, but I’ve moved to a new city. Also, my old pdoc was willing to mail me things, but this new doctor won’t … . She wants me to come in. And if I go someplace new on the bus in my current condition, I usually have to have my daughter come with to navigate.
I mean, I’m just impossible to deal with today. I’m even telling my own self, “come on! Really?” But there it is, really. You know?
So you’ve set me off in a new direction to find help! Thank you!
I totally get not wanting to leave the house. Even though I usually do feel better when I do! Sometimes my lack of internal logic confuses even me. But you have a good plan going! Cookies, self-care.. all good stuff.
Oh and its a bummer TaskRabbits not nearby.. other delivery sites are Fiverr and Zaarly (maybe others?) tho I know nothing about them. I also use Instacart when I cant get my ass out grocery shopping. U pick out yr food online and if u spend $40 theres a flat 3.99 delivery fee; it usually comes in 2 hrs. (Caveat: the delivery fee is 3.99 in my city but foods slightly pricier.) One option might be to make a list of delivery resources (delivery sites, friends etc) and do the pre-work (signing up, giving friends a heads up) so that when bad times hit BOOM you’ll be ready. Crap I didn’t mean to get so prescriptive and advice-y! I realize that sometimes you just need to vent and you dont want anyones 2 cents 🙂 Anyhow good luck to you!
7 Cups of Tea is a very good website for Online Therapy. Of course, not all of them are professionals, but they’ll listen to you and be pseudo-therapists.
yes I would appreciate this.
I am on an anti-depressant which I hope to stop someday, because situational depression more than chronic, and for the last month or so also ADD meds. Figuring out at 28 that the reason you have been failing at just about everything for your entire life is probably a treatable disorder is both wonderful and incredibly depressing at the same time. I always thought I was just lazy/procrastinating. and beat myself up all the time because I constantly let things fall apart just by not putting in the work. Because I literally do not know how to just get shit done.
but, now there are meds, which are helping to let my brain stay on track. this is a start but I badly need more resources and support to figure out productive day to day life!
<3 toasties for talking about real shit.
like right now I am refreshing Facebook and this Open Thread instead of cleaning up or buying groceries for the party I am having TOMORROW or making sure I have clean clothes to leave town with on Monday.
This is a terrible plan, Facebook isn’t even entertaining at all, I feel really shitty about not doing things. And yet, oh look someone commented on a post I’m not interested in in a group I’m only in for volunteer obligations.
and in the last 40 minutes I unpacked some necklaces, did a few dishes, started laundry, came back to the internet, completely forgot what I came back to the internet for, remembered, looked up some super deep clean instructions for my kitchen, reminded myself that I am having a party tomorrow. This is not the time to start elaborate bleaching plans. Just tidy shit. Replied to some comments on the internet, hunted around for a receipt I need to find and now I’m sitting down again and don’t know why this time.
My original plan was to was dishes and clean kitchen counters.
Oh God, this is me. Like instead of prioritizing the important stuff I prioritize the stuff I feel like doing that second… and then I end up with a bunch of half-finished products and a faint sense of “wait what just happened?” Anyhow, dont be too hard on yrself! Downtime is important too.
I was on ADD meds for awhile, and they did help with focus, but sometimes it was counterproductive, like focusing on one paragraph for an hour trying to get it right.
I actually read through these cocktail threads for the posts about mental illness because it makes me feel less alone and love how Toasties talk about these things.
I had a bit of progress this week when I found myself spiraling downwards. I was lying on my bed feeling terrible and I said to myself out loud “This feeling is something that is happening to you. This feeling is not you”. Oddly it kinda worked, will be trying it again in the future.
I’m down. I’ve been in treatment for major depression and generalized anxiety for like 12 years now, and while I’m doing better than I ever thought I would, it’s still tough. I really struggle with executive function and getting into a routine, and I get so angry at myself for not being able to do tasks that require executive function, which makes me more depressed…it’s a bad cycle.
It’s super cheesy but I’ve been doing some editing work for a personal development (self-help and other “improve your life” tactics) program and there are a lot of good ideas in there, despite self-help’s bad rap.
My husband has that same cycle. It’s a rough one. Hugs for you if you want them, or cordial shoulder-pat, or friendly wave from across the room, as appropriate
A weekly mental health thread is a great idea! I started taking Zoloft a couple weeks ago and it’s…fine. I think I need to go up to a higher dose, though. Any insight on how long it took to find a good med and dosage for you?
(Sorry if this was directed to someone else!) I’m still in the process of finding a good med combo…its been about a year now. I haven’t seen a huge difference; the main benefit is that my “lows” don’t get as low anymore. I’m generally more even-keeled. As far as side effects I’m on a medium-level dosage and I’ve basically had nothing (on any med) which also may not be typical.
As a semi-digression, my psychiatrist has told me that, as a field, psychiatry is essentially 10-yrs behind other biological sciences, in terms of understanding the condition and treatments. And it doesn’t help that the brain is so complex. So he basically said they know what various drugs DO to the brain, they just dont know (w/certainty) how yr particular brain will react and how you will experience that.
Personally I do think that the dosage can make a huge difference tho, in terms of effectiveness, so it may be worth asking about higher dose? (I know that some folks feel strongly about meds; I am obv not a doctor and have no “stance” here, other than I think everyone should do what works.) For me, I just got to the point where I wasnt getting better and I wanted to throw everything possible at the problem… also, my doctor is convinced that my depression has a strong biological/ physiological underpinning (tho he said there isnt really a way to establish this with certainty) and thus theoretically would be comparatively more responsive to meds. Crap I’m all about overly long answers today, sorry 🙁
We are putting up wall shelves for our cats this weekend! Dreams are literally coming true here!
Also, I had kind of a rough week, so I just bought myself a coloring book and fancy colored pencils to de-stress, but I forgot how bad I am at coloring!
My coworker and I were literally just talking about coloring. We’ve had a shit week and are debating buying a coloring book and crayons and taking them to a bar with us after work…
You are good at coloring. Unless you stab yourself in the eye or something. (Don’t do that.)
Oooh what kind of shelves? I’ve seen the fancy modern kind and some IKEA hacks that I’m scared to try.
They’re from Catastrophic Creations. We just got a few to start, but we eventually want to get a whole fabric play place!
Aw, the kitties will be so happy! My dream home would have cat-ledges and tunnels and wall nooks.
Aw, dang, tomorrow I am doing a live reading of Terry Pratchett’s WYRD SISTERS, I am very excited about it.
EDIT: here is a picture of it that I think is funny, because why does Nanny Ogg have a banjo?
(it is from a really great place full of Discworld prints! http://www.pjsmprints.com/colourprints/index.html…
(Anyway, if you are IN OR NEAR PHILADELPHIA on Saturday and you want to go to see this reading, you should do it! It will be fun! https://www.facebook.com/?_rdr#!/events/155981056…
I imagine she is singing the Hedgehog Song! I can’t quite picture her having the patience/dedication to learn an instrument to accompany it, though. That sounds like a job for a son-in-law or new friend she just met at the tavern.
I can’t picture her playing an instrument, but I can absolutely picture her grabbing one and just kind of strumming aimlessly as she sings. It sounds godawful. She has a delightful time.
No one tells her to stop, half because they don’t have the nerve to defy her and half because she brought a jug of something to pass around.
Doesn’t she canonically play the banjo, though? (E.g. in Lords and Ladies when having her annual bath.)
That sounds like so much fun! I just re-read Wyrd Sisters, it is great.
Toasties! In the last months I’ve been posting about my feminist-y feelings conflicting with my want-to-be-engaged feelings.
ANYWAY, now I’m engaged! It’s all so very hetero! It’s also really fun. I feel really in love, and am half-drunk on champagne approximately 1/4 of my waking hours, currently.
Congrats! *hugs*
WHY THANK YOU!
YAY!
Congratulations!
yay, cheers!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! *confetti canons*
Congratulations! I hope any wedding planning you chose to do goes smoothly and that you and your beloved have many happy years together <3
Mazel tov!!! That is wonderful, happy news. Enjoy!
Toasties! I ran my half marathon and it was fantastic! My time was 2:11:59.5, and I ran almost the entire thing (except for walking through water stations and one bathroom break). I am already looking for other long races to do, but have asked my loved ones to slap me hard across the face if I ever say I want to run a full. It’s just not something I think would be good for me, but I know how easy it is to get sucked into the idea of it.
In any case – yay! I feel like a real runner now!
Also, the conference panel I asked about a long time ago and was selected for is tomorrow, and I’m doing my best not to freak out about it.
Congrats! You are totally a real runner. Well done.
YAY!!!! That’s great!
MALLORY: People still exist, this many days after your ‘furious’ post. What do I do?
I very nearly cried at work yesterday from stress. I can’t do this for much longer.
((hugs))
I don’t know your full work situation, but this sounds like a cry from the heart. I hope your day improves and you hear some good news soon and someone in your life is willing to feed you soup and/or chocolate as required.
I would like to just curl up with my favourite boy this weekend and read and nap and just be completely quiet. But I am fairly certain that’s not going to happen, so it’s up to the cats to make me feel better instead.
*tacklehugs* I’m so sorry to hear that. If it’s worth sticking around for, bear it out, but if it’s not, quitting isn’t bad. 🙁
Quitting is totally what I need. But I have to have something else lined up first and that is the major problem in my life right now: no callbacks.
Hang in there, Peri. It’ll work out soon enough. I went through the same thing but I couldn’t quit even with a second job – may you have all the glittery luck!
My Happiest Woman In The World Photo!
I took it before I left because it looked prettier not in tupperware, but I rode my bike out to Valentino Pier in Red Hook Brooklyn and it was windy so nobody else was there and I got to sit and listen to music and stare at the ocean all by myself for two hours. Then I realized two of my best friends were in the same area so we went on a fancy whiskey tasting. BEST DAY.
Anyone else get to take a Happiest Woman photo, or have a Happiest Woman moment this week?
I LOVE IT
Oh my gosh, that sounds like the most wonderful day. Just knowing about your awesome day has made my own ten times better.
LATE CAT THREAD!
So cute! I have no new cat photos to contribute this week, unfortunately. Just a corgi with a goofy face.
Moa is settling in! He really enjoys laying on the spare-room mattress and taking naps.
That is a very unworried cat!
Oh gosh, that face!
Cats tolerating each other in a way that I can interpret as cuddling!
That is definitely cuddling.
I should not complain because they get along quite well and their pack dynamics are extremely amusing. But I want MORE CUDDLES. I try to smoosh them together when they are napping and it never, ever works.
YES I ALSO SHIP EVERY KITTY WITH EVERY KITTY
They are so united with their judgy faces! I love them.
Dolly’s glamour shot:
Toast friends, I got in an awful stupid fight with my boyfriend last night, and I don’t know if we will break up or we won’t, but it is a horrible nagging weight and makes me so sad and frustrated. He is so delightful most of the time, and a weird incredibly withdrawn ass who won’t share anything about himself the other much smaller portion, and just, augh. I haven’t dated many people or any for as long, and I feel Out of My Depth. Plus it’s raining, gr.
On the upside: I have a case of mangoes! It was $6!
$6 for a CASE of mangoes??? That is amazing. They are $3 EACH where I live.
We have this giant market and it is great and bonkers. A quart container of chia seeds is like $3! (Do you live near Atlanta? Because if so, I have good news for you!)
Doraville! Is this Your Dekalb Farmer’s Market or Buford Highway Farmer’s Market? I also need this $3 chia.
I live in Alaska, but it gives me great comfort to know that at least somewhere in the Toastverse, there is a great giant bonkers market full of affordable deliciousness.
If it’s any consolation, we also have horrible pollen. 🙂
Emily Chapman
[email protected]
“so delightful most of the time, and a weird incredibly withdrawn ass who won’t share anything about himself the other much smaller portion”
This describes nearly everyone I’ve ever dated. I feel you, that’s the worst.
It’s just, like… I can’t tell if I’m prying or what.. But we had this thing yesterday that was like, he wasn’t coming from work to my place, he was coming from somewhere else, but… wouldn’t specify besides “had to take care of some things.” And I’m like… were you running errands? Or committing espionage? Or at the grocery store? We will never know!
I hate that. Like at first you’re just a normal amount of curious. But then when he’s evasive you become convinced he’s don draper. And by you of course I mean me.
I’m sure it will all be fine, and you’ll talk about it and you’ll feel better.
And hey, if it turns out he is Don Draper, I get to have the best terrible dating story. 🙂
Emily Chapman
[email protected]
I am having one of those hollow days when I can eat and eat and drink gallons of water and still feel hungry. What can I fill up on? The grocery store is 5 minutes away and I might starve during the walk
My advice is to get something with protein and fat, because those help make it satisfying. Maybe cheese and an apple? Pepperoni is good, too. Are you looking for snack-ish ideas or meal-ish ideas?
Hmmm, I could really go either way. So far I have had a protein bar, a muscle milk, 32oz of water and 30 almonds (I know, almonds are horrible for the earth, but the smoke seasoning is just SO GOOD).
I am only being precise because it is 10 a.m and the list is short. I am not someone who normally counts food obsessively. What I WANT to eat is a whole box of graham crackers or a cheese bagel. Pepperoni might be a good compromise.
Those things are all tiny or liquid. Pepperoni might not be a good compromise, because it is also tiny. I would go with the cheese bagel.
Absotively is right.
Beef jerky AND the cheese bagel.
When I can’t fill up despite actually really trying, I try eating just as many delicious veggies and/or fruits as I can get my hands on.
I thought it was just me who thinks “Fuck yeah, crudites!”
I don’t even need much dip, I really do like broccoli and carrots.
CLAUSSEN!
Also, wandering around the big Asian-centric grocery store half an hour ago, trying to not buy any chips or crackers I found this neat little package of peas that had been fried (apparently) and salted, and hey, I’ve still got that plastic spoon in my car, it’s two bucks, I’ve got something to eat!
I don’t feel good right now.
I am glad it’s not just me that has those days.
I ate too much hamburger helper for lunch and now I am Too Full 🙁 I think the pepperoni would be good if you still need to eat something! Ooh, or beef jerky! That’s always good.
What works for me on hollow days is acorn squash with butter. I just steam it in the microwave – you poke it all over with a fork, microwave it for like five minutes, cut it in half and microwave the halves, covered, with butter in them, for another few minutes. It’s warm and comforting, like eating mashed potatoes but tastier, and the butter helps me feel full.
Across the Pond Grad School Update: I got accepted to an awesome program at Bristol and I’m think I’m going to accept! Any Bristol Toasties in the thread? Anybody want to tell me about the city? Is it great? Will I love it? I’ve heard its very “cool”, and I’m down with that, but I’m not very cool at all – at least I don’t *look* cool (ie I don’t have quirky or trendy style, no piercings or tattoos or interesting hair and although I really love going to indie shows and shit I’m definitely not of the artsy hipster variety). Basically is there a place for a bookish semi-introvert who wears black pants and neutral button-ups and is afraid of drugs? Eeep!
I am not in Bristol but one of my good friends is and I go there for gigs a fair bit. It’s a lovely city!
I am a Bristol Toastie! Bristol is a great city and you will (probably) love it. I am pretty broke and not really a going out type but there are loads of excellent bars and coffee shops, it’s got beautiful buildings, it’s surrounded by delightful countryside and is near various coasts, there’s cider (if you’re into that), all the bands come through Bristol on tour (not to mention Glastonbury once a year)… you’ll love it. (Unless something terrible happens. I can’t promise you something terrible won’t happen.) But I think you’ll love it! Let’s go for a cup of tea when you get here!
Bristol toasties yeah!!!! We definitely need to have a toast meetup at some point!
Yes, let’s! Follow me on Twitter at @_caitycat and DM me your email address so we can get together!
How very timely considering I haven’t logged in here in months, then today I do on a whim and see this post!
I am a Bristol toastie, and also from across the pond. Move here, it’s awesome! There is a great alterna-vibe here, but I’m also desperately uncool and I feel like I fit in fine. The coolness is mostly concentrated in certain neighbourhoods anyway, and I hang out in these places on occasion and don’t feel like an outcast at all. The central library is great and Bath is nearby, which is the prettiest place on earth.
By the way, are you the toastie who is also from Belleville? Either way, move here and let’s hang out!
Yes, let’s! Follow me on Twitter at @_caitycat and DM me your email address so we can get together!
It’s my hometown! And I am desperately uncool, it’s more hippy and relaxed than anything really. The beaches nearish, maybe 2 hours, are really wonderful too.
Hi Toast! I’m having a pretty intense day at work and may not find too much time to comment, so just in case: thank you for your help last week! You are lovely and deserving of all the fruits.
Good luck, Social!
Thank you bb!
GUYS I’M MOVING THIS WEEK AND I’M SO EXCITE.
I’m moving to Brooklyn Heights from Manhattan, and I am so SO so SO in love with the neighborhood (it’s a little lacking in the people of color situation, but um, I guess my presence can provide some of the color?). The apartment is an adorable studio with lots of exposed brick and a working (!!!!) fireplace, and it’s right by the Brooklyn Bridge park. And I’m paying less than I had budgeted!
This is my first time living alone (well, it’ll be me and my kitty), so I am a bit nervous about that. My boyfriend’s will now only be ~20ish minutes away (as opposed to the 45 minutes Manhattan to Brooklyn long distance relationship we’ve had!), and I have a few friends also living close-ish. But I’m still a little nervous about getting lonely. Do y’all have any tips? Fears you overcame? Stuff that was unexpectedly awesome?
I was just in Brooklyn Heights last night and wishing I lived there! It’s this tiny beautiful corner of peace. I was riding my bike on all the cobblestoney streets and it felt like I was in some perfectly abandoned European city. I’m sure you’re gonna love it!
Yes! If it’ll just effing warm up…
Congrats!
I think the thing that has helped me the most is when I’m lonely, try not to always fall back on other people. Sure, we love our friends and boyfriends and girlfriends, etc, as applicable, but learning to have fun on my own and reinforcing that lesson positively is really helpful. (And of course, especially helpful when other people just aren’t available.)
Cultivate hobbies. Go out. Put on a lot of music (or podcasts). Schedule yourself stuff! I buy movie and concert tickets ahead of time so I have stuff to look forward to and not be anxious about how “empty” things look ahead. It’s also a tiny bit nice to tell somebody “I’d love to but I’M BUSY let’s find another time”
You got a leg up with a kitty and you have people nearby. You’ll do great.
Best parts of living alone: No negotiations. Eat when and what you want. You do everything, and you get to feel aggrieved but also proud.
Living alone is awesome. Especially moving into a new neighborhood that you love! When you start feeling lonely go out and explore the neighborhood. Make yourself a regular at a bar/coffee shop/bookstore/etc because having somewhere that people recognize you can be super helpful when you need human contact.
Oooh, I love this suggestion, can’t wait to find out what my “spots” are going to be.
I love Brooklyn Heights so much!! There’s a momofuku out there so you can get pork buns on seamless if you want.
One of my best friends lives there with her Sheltie who I take care of when she’s out of town, and I always take him to the dog park at Columbia Heights and Vine. Petting dogs is perhaps my FAVORITE pastime and there are LOTS of dogs to pet in that neighborhood, especially on the promenade and down by Pier 6. Plus I find that petting dogs is a fairly low-risk low-investment activity. Put pants on, go outside, get a coffee, find a dog, pet the dog, go back home, take pants off.
Oh, Brooklyn Heights is so pretty! And A WORKING FIREPLACE, OMG. Congratulations!
As for living alone, I’ve done it for years, and I’m a huge introvert so it actually works quite well for me, but if I feel the need to be around other people I’ll often just bring whatever I’m reading or working on to the nearest coffee place and hang out there for a couple of hours. And once you do that often enough, you start to become a “regular” and that can lead to conversations.
I live in Brooklyn Heights! I love this neighborhood and the park is one of its best features. Can’t give any tips about living alone since I’ve been married for almost 10 years, but I can give you neighborhood tips if you want. Good luck with your move and welcome!!
Tomorrow is International TableTop Day! Is anyone going to any events or playing some games? My sister is going to go hang out with the folks from Looney Labs and I’m jealous. I’ll probably swing by my local game store and I miiight take advantage of the discount. Any suggestions??
I really like smallworld, Tokaido, and Dixit if any of those are available.
I’m sadly not planning on doing any tabletop gaming tomorrow (in-laws are in town), but I might have to stop by my local game store as well.
Bridge!
We are having our monthly-ish board game night tomorrow with friends :). I’ve been enjoying Masquerade lately as a simpler and faster game. We also got one called Eldritch Horror which is pretty good.
Toasties! I am having surgery next week and I’m scared and I need to be reassured!
In December my gyn found a huge lump during my pelvic exam. It turned out to be a huge dermoid cyst (9cm) attached to one or both of my ovaries. So they’re going in next week to remove it. My surgeon is confident that he’s be able to do it laparoscopically, but there is a very small chance it will be a laparotomy. There is also a small chance he’ll have to take an ovary.
Anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that it’s no big deal and that I won’t wake up in the middle of it unable to move or speak, but otherwise completely lucid and not numb. I’ve read everything I can find about the recovery, and I’m prepared to take some time off work just lying around asking my partner to fetch things. If you’ve had something similar do you have any recovery tips?
Ugh, I don’t wanna have surgery!! (I am being a very big baby about this, and not at all stoic and brave)
My surgery was much more invasive than yours and it was no big deal! I never hurt, not once. And I had an incision from navel to pubis. Modern drugs for pain management are amazing.
I was/am a very big baby about needles, so I was a mess getting my IV port installed. But I was upfront about my fear, so they gave me anxiety drugs first, then a local anesthetic for numbing the area in advance of installation. So much extra care. Just tell people you’re scared. I kept saying, “I intend to cooperate, but I am so scared.” “I’m not refusing anything, but I am so scared.” Keep in mind medical personnel are legally required to stop if you even hint that you don’t want something.
This is very good advice, one of the things I’m also nervous about is the IV (why oh why do they insist on putting a needle IN YOUR HAND). When did you tell them about your fear? Would it be worth it to mention it at my pre-op? Getting anxiety meds sounds like a pleasant solution.
I asked my surgeon/gynecologist for anxiety meds in advance. And asked permission to premedicate. And I asked again the day of surgery when I arrived at the hospital. I waited for the nurse to bring word from my medical team that I could take my anxiety drug now (30 min before my scheduled intake). There’s no way I was going to risk being sent home without surgery because I took a drug my surgeon did not want in my system. Rescheduling would have been a nightmare.
Oh I had one of those! Mine was plum sized and removed laparoscopically because it had twisted my fallopian tube (which, ouch).
I definitely did not wake up during the surgery and felt fine in the recovery room, except for the fact that I was crying and the nurses were very concerned about it (a fun side effect of the anaesthesia?). I took at least a week off to recover, but it wasn’t too bad. Make sure you practice standing up straight as soon as you can, because the nurses all warned me I would heal improperly if I didn’t!
You’ll be fine! Stock up on things to watch/do because you do need a few days of just laying around.
Thank you! I am prepared for much crying.
You are totally being brave! Taking care of yourself even when it’s scary is hella brave!
Thank you! This is very sweet and makes me feel better.
I just had surgery last week! I was scared too! I’ll admit I was a bit of a mess in the hospital, but everyone was very nice and they calmed me down and acted very professionally as they worked around my sobbing. So don’t feel like you have to act a certain way!
Thankfully, my doctors didn’t tell me when I’d be falling asleep – they wheeled me into the OR, asked me the requisite ID questions, then I just zonked out. Recovery was certainly a bit rough since you wake up with a sore throat and you’re not 100% what’s going on, but you get back to normal super quickly.
You can do it! We’re all rooting for you!!!
Thank you!! And way to go! Glad to hear yours went well.
Good luck, Em!! *hugs*
Had the same problem, lo these 20 years ago. My last memory before the operation was seeing the anesthesiologist holding the mask. Then all of a sudden I was in the recovery room. In my case, they ended up removing the ovary. Recovery took about a week and then I was fine. My scars are covered by all but the teeniest of bathing suits. Dunno if you care, but having one ovary had exactly zero impact on my fertility, too. You’ll be fine!
This is a late response but I also have a dermoid cyst about the same size (well, 6-9cm) that might have to be removed–I’m seeing a gyno in a month because socialized medicine, and also my family doctor didn’t think it was urgent, and I originally got it looked into because it was causing pain but then that stopped so now I don’t even think about it most of the time? I’m also nervous about the prospect of getting it removed–I had an unrelated surgery in my lower abdomen two years ago so my doctor warned me that the scar tissue from that might make a surgery more difficult.
But that earlier surgery was laproscopic and I was totally up and running again two weeks later (like, carrying large pieces of furniture around and taking a spontaneous last minute flight to see a friend) so if that’s the way it goes then you’re in luck! The first week was hard mainly because my lower abdomen surgery meant using my ab muscles to sit up or sneeze/laugh/cough were very painful. I don’t know if that would also be the case for pelvic surgery, though. I don’t know if this is what you’re into, but I loved having a big book of NYT crossword puzzles/sudoku for when I wanted something a little more interactive than reading/watching things. Also during my recovery, I had friends coming to see me which was lovely, but I also got a little tired of having to explain about my health situation over and over and having that be the only topic of conversation. I liked it much better when friends who knew the drill would come over just to play some cards or something.
Stay strong, you’ll be fine!
Cherry season is the best season of the year.
Yes.
It’s not yet cherry season in Michigan. I’m looking forward to that one week we can get sour cherries. And the four or five we can get local sweet cherries. YAS.
SOUR CHERRIES! This is the fruit that I love that is ridiculously hard to find. It stands to reason that you can make a better pie with things that start out sour than with things that start out sweet, because that way you can add exactly the amount of sugar that you want, yet somehow people keep making their cherry pies with sweet cherries and ignoring the wonderful sour cherries that are nature’s gift to us all.
Books!
-Does anyone else own 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die? The first edition is from 2006 and it’s been revised three times since. I bought it the year it came out, and I made it my goal to read them all. Then they changed some of the books in 2008, 2010, and 2012, so now there are way more than 1001 books to read. I approve of the changes though, since the main reason they swapped a bunch out in 2008 was because people were like, “Hmm, seems to be a disproportionate number of white Western male authors in here”, so now there’s more diversity. I know I’m not alone in trying to read them all since there’s a spreadsheet you can download online to keep track of what you’ve read and how far along you are (48.5% of the way through!), but I was curious if any other Toasties have this book or are doing anything similar with other book lists.
-And what are you currently reading? I don’t only read books from the 1001(+) books. A lot of my other reading material also comes from recommendations here. Right now I’m reading City Sister Silver from Jachym Topol. I’m not super into it yet, but I’m only about 20% of the way through, so we’ll see.
In non-reading news, spring might finally be here to stay and the ruble has been on a hot streak for the last week, so I’m in a pretty decent mood.
I found out this morning that my elibrary hold on Wolf Hall came up and got checked out two weeks ago and now I have 4 DAYS to read the whole thing since loads more people have holds on it. Is this doable? I must have missed the email that told me I had checked it out. I wish it would check out and download so I would have seen it sooner.
oh noooo I suppose it is doable if you are not doing anything else this weekend?
I love Wolf Hall immensely but I am a fast reader and it took me a couple weeks to get through.
Booooooks! I just started The Ghost Apple, and it looks promising – I’ve laughed out loud a couple times so far. I hope I can trust this kind of dark twisted humor to not get cruel or over-the-top.
I just finished Spin by Catherine McKenzie and it felt like the perfect example of a story that got branded “chick lit” and given a “girly” cover for no good reason other than “female author & narrator.” It was that kind of “asshole protagonist trying to be a little better” plot you see by/about dudes all the time. And I liked it!
I also finished Ancillary Justice recently. It was a very challenging read, in terms of keeping track of alliances and politics, so I had to abandon reading it while I was sick last week. It was also a fun one to find interviews & goodreads comments from the author, she has a lot of interesting thoughts on the gender language in the book.
I’m currently reading Station Eleven (very good). Next up is The Three Body Problem. (Both reading for my SFF book club).
I really want to read The Three Body Problem I gave it to my mother in law for Christmas, and she loved it. I need to borrow it from her.
I’ve been hearing great things about it, I’m excited to start!
I am reading The Three-Body Problem right now and I am loving it. Existential scientist feels! Badass lady scientists! Occasional dry humour!
I am only about half way through and already lamenting that the next books haven’t been translated yet.
Station Eleven is next on my list! I bought it on Kindle sale and my fiancee read it (as I’m in the middle of a different book) and really wants to discuss it with me.
Julian Barnes’ “Nothing to Be Frightened Of,” because it’s nice when someone acknowledges the horror of oblivion we all walk around with. Like poking a bruise. I’ve also got McEwan’s “Sweet Tooth” coming from Amazon any day now.
I do have that book! My friend gave it to me for Christmas one year. I went through and marked all the books I had read, but I haven’t looked at it since. It pushed me towards one or two things, but my to-read list is already so big and growing that I just couldn’t commit myself to working my way through something like that. It’s fun to look through, though.
I just (like, an hour ago) finished The Giver and man. It was so good and so perfect and important in the way that The Little Prince is important and how on earth did I miss out on it for this many years?
I have Signal to Noise up next, and I’m really excited for it. Music and magic in Mexico City!
Signal to Noise looks awesome! [adds to towering, precarious, to-read pile]
Ooh, I have that too, I think I might read it after my next book.
Finally reading Pratchett’s Night Watch, which I have somehow never gotten around to reading (I deliberately stopped myself from reading the entirety of Discworld, so I would always have more to finish).
I don’t want it to ever end.
I just read Ms. Marvel (the first collection), the first Discworld book (somehow I have never read them), and Half-Resurrection Blues by Daniel Jose Older. I also just started The Grace of Kings by Ken Liu, but I’m on like page 30.
I read Ms. Marvel last weekend and loved it and the second volume is out now and I need to go buy it.
I keep hearing about Half-Resurrection Blues. What did you think of it?
I liked it… but didn’t love it? I follow Older on twitter and really like him so I will probably give more of his stuff a shot. He just released a short story called Stay that everyone seems to like, but I thought Half-Resurrection Blues was a little sterile, I guess. It took a while for me to get into the story, and then once I finally did it was over pretty quickly.
I started To Break the Demon Gate this morning, which is about A Hard-Boiled Cop With Nothing Left to Lose, except for cop read demon-hunter, and in ancient Japan. (Unfortunately, written by a white dude.) And the library just delivered to me Monica Byrne’s The Girl in the Road, which is one of this year’s Tiptree winners, so that’s exciting.
I love that opening up the open thread means automatically opening up goodreads because I know I’ll have books to add to my to-read list.
I am excited for two books coming out this month:
1. Where the Words End and My Body Begins by Amber Dawn. Poems in homage to queer poets like Gertrude Stein, Christina Rossetti, and Adrienne Rich. Hello yes please. I saw her read a few of these at a reading a few months ago, they are great.
2. My Body is Yours by Michael V. Smith. Memoir by a queer artist/filmmaker/drag queen.
Both of my pre-orders shipped this week, so I should get them next week!
I’m reading Rebecca Solnit’s A Field Guide to Getting Lost, which I really appreciate, but I haven’t gotten fully into yet. I sometimes have a problem with beautifully-written essay-ish writing–I love it, but it just doesn’t stick in my head. I’ve also been on a children’s/YA book kick, and I just read Beyond the Pawpaw Trees, a 1950s children’s book by Palmer Brown that i first heard about from a book called Lost Classics. It was very fun and I wish I’d read it when I was 7.
Suite Francaise. Just started it today and loving it so far.
Looking for a less depressing read after this so I have The Sot-Weed Factor lined up next.
Man I never have time to read for pleasure anymore, but I read Americanah last weekend and really enjoyed it.
I’m working on Americanah right now. I’ve been having trouble getting into it, but I think I’ve just crossed that threshold and should be fine. The main problem is I’ve been reading after going to bed at night, and I can only get through a few pages before I doze and drop my iPad on my face, so my recall is also not great. I’m spending as much time re-reading pages as I am reading new ones.
I’m reading Sophia: Princess, Suffragette, Revolutionary by Anita Anand, biography of Princess Sophia Duleep Singh, who’s father had been the last king of the Punjab before being disposed by the British. She was born and raised in England, and went on to become a leader in Britain’s suffragette movement and also supported the movement for India’s independence. It’s very interesting, she wasn’t someone I had known about before, and welcome after a recent string of books abandoned because I couldn’t get into them.
My reward for a good study session is finishing one of those page-turner science/memoir/investigative journalism books: Mary Roach, a day in the life of a death row lawyer, some post-grad documenting six months they spent undercover in a batshit fraternity house. I’m popping them like Skittles.
I have a couple questions that I think some Toasties may be able to answer. For a very long time (10+ years!) I have wanted to teach English abroad. Since I have just finished my post-secondary education I figure now is the time to do it before I get a real person job and am too settled. BUT, some things have changed about teaching English in the past ten years, namely most places require some sort of TESOL certification. I have two questions:
1. I have looked at Oxford Seminars and was wondering what toasties think of this particular program. Is this a good one to go with or are there others?
2. I’d also like it if toasties who have done this sort of thing could share any advice. Particularly: what countries are good to go to/how to pick somewhere. I’m leaning toward Korea at the moment, but am open to other places as well!
HELLO TOASTIES! I AM HAPPY TODAY! RAINBOW SPRINKLES FOR EVERYBODY! How’s your week been so far?
I’m unemployed and my butt broke! ARGH!
Luckily my father is an angel and added me to his health insurance a while ago, but his coverage is not the greatest, I have to do some pretty expensive exams and NOTHING EVER BROKE when I had the best coverage ever in my job. I may even need surgery — I’m terrified of surgery, needles, blood and all this shit.
And I can’t even fucking walk. All I do all day is send resumes and feel miserable, and I’m having some wicked migraines for staring at a screen for 16 hours a day.
Toasties, send prayer/good vibes/witchyness my way if you have some to spare, please.
Having a broken butt sounds really painful! You’ll make it though. If there is anything I have learned in the past year on this site, it is this: Toasties are strong as fuck.
*sends hella positive vibes*
Best best best wishes. I had four months of unemployment and just got a formal job offer today. Hang in there. Your self worth does not depend on this job (which I say because I felt awful at times) and things WILL CHANGE.
Sorry to hear that. Positive vibes coming your way.
Ugh I’m sorry what a mess. Thinking of you. Take some time to not stare at a screen, if you can? I know that’s a glib answer but maybe hearing it from someone else will help.
I am planning my first trip abroad and have no idea where to start. Well, not entirely true, I did apply for a passport this past week which makes me feel like a proper adult. I’m going to the UK in September (specifically Scotland, and more specifically Edinburgh and Islay) and I have no idea about plane tickets, places to stay, etc. I think we’ll do a tour to Islay so we don’t have to rent a car/worry about that part of the trip, but does anyone have advice on where to stay/what to do in Edinburgh? Or buying international plane tickets? Any help and advice is much appreciated.
I went to the UK last Spring! EDINBURGH IS AMAZING! I fell in love with the city. I stayed at the Edinburgh Backpacker’s. It’s a decent price, very safe, great view from the window and most places are really close by from there. It is a MUST stay. I asked them for a map and the lady at the counter circled out places I should see (Museum of Childhood, everything on the Royal Mile, Hollyrood Palace, etc.) and then you can go take a bus tour up to Loch Ness and stuff like that, or go to the Edinburgh Dungeon. Transportation in the UK is the best so I doubt you need to rent a car. Buses like Megabus are really cheap. I don’t know about international plane tickets because my brother bought them for me, but I can help you with anything else you need!
Ooh! What places do you recommend visiting? What were your favorite museums? Where should we eat? I am always worried about going someplace terrible to eat while travelling so if you found some wonderful little spots I’d love to hear about them!
This is the link to the Backpacker’s hostel I mentioned: http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g186525-d…
I went to two museums: The National Museum of Scotland and the Museum of Childhood though I’ve heard the Scottish National Gallery is worth seeing! And if you’re in for traditional Scottish stuff, make sure you try fried Mars bars, Irn Bru and proper Scotch Whiskey. I didn’t have Haggis because the guy at the cafe explained to me how it’s made, so, don’t ask them that. Restaurants are expensive, so, cafe’s are your best bet. I went to a cafe along the Royal Mile (some Italian place) where I had a really good wrap. They make surprisingly delicious wraps in Edinburgh. ALSO, don’t forget good shoes for walking. I walked all around the city, so, sturdy shoes are important. I also went up to Calton Hill which has the BEST view in the city. It’s horrible to walk up there, though. Make sure you try to see at least everything on the Royal Mile, and if you don’t want to pay big bucks to go inside Hollyrood Palace, it doesn’t matter. Buy something from the giftshop, those things are really pretty! The Edinburgh Dungeon is a must-see as well, if you’re in for a little spook. I toured Edinburgh for a day, and booked a tour on Scotline and went to Loch Ness, Glencoe, Highlands, Falkirk, etc. Princes Mall is a good place to hang out. And I think I bought my tartans (the skirts and scarves are so good!)… I don’t really remember now, but any place is okay. There was a really nice family shop that sold whiskey, which I’ve also forgotten. Also, I bought these amazing little jars of whiskey-flavored marmalade. *I’m rambling, sorry*
HAGGIS IS SO GOOD, THOUGH.
Sorry I have Feelings about haggis. It is sausage meatloaf, and it is a gift from God him/her/zeself. Irn Bru is God’s gift to a hangover, also, so have one plenty if you go out of an evening!
Great information, and the dungeon sounds like fun! I have a thing for good walking and hiking shoes (I own more hiking shoes/sandals than proper dress shoes) so quality walking shoes will not be a problem and a trek up Carlton Hill sounds like fun–I firmly believe a less than fun climb is well worth the fabulous view. Don’t worry about being rambly, and if you think of anything else tack it on!
Also: Who knew you could get great wraps in Scotland? The more you know!
One can get vegetarian “haggis,” made out of lentils or walnuts or something like that. But it doesn’t really count as haggis. (The one time I was in Edinburgh I tasted both. The real thing is surprisingly tasty if you don’t think too much about what’s in it.)
Oh, and Holyrood Park is beautiful, and if you’re feeling energetic, I highly recommend tackling the hike up Arthur’s Seat. Sturdy shoes are a must for that, too!
I went to London last summer, and because it was summer I was able to stay in a university residence, which worked out quite well and I’d recommend it. I was staying for over a week, so it was nice to have access to a kitchen.
I’ve wanted to do this but last time in London stayed at an AirBnB instead. Can you share some resources if you still got them? Thanks!
I stayed at Queen Mary University of London. I found them through a hostels site, but I ended up booking directly through their summer accomodation site for some reason which I can’t remember. I was in an apartment-style residence, so the kitchen was only shared between six rooms. The room was pretty small but it had its own tiny bathroom and also a mini fridge. The neighbourhood seemed to be sort of mid-gentrification – there were some decidedly rundown looking bits but also a fair number of shiny new bits. It’s not really walking distance from any tourist attractions, but it’s close to three tiny corner grocery stores and two Tube stations.
The main catch is that there’s no dishes and stuff in the kitchens, unless someone else has left it there. Also there’s a cafeteria one building over but its hours didn’t often line up with when I wanted to eat.
Oh, and there’s a canal that runs right nearby, which was kind of neat.
Wait, I remembered why I booked through them! The hostel site only had their “B&B” option. The only difference between that and the “room only” option is that the B&B option includes breakfast in the cafeteria. But even if you wanted to eat breakfast in their cafeteria every day, it’s cheaper to buy breakfast separately.
Other things I just remembered: there’s free wifi. There’s laundromats in the residence buildings, but you have to buy a card to put money on and they don’t sell individual laundry detergent packets.
Ok, probably last addition: The “room only” option is only available if you’re staying at least seven nights, which is probably why the other site didn’t show it.
EDINBURGH! I actually used to work in a hotel in Edinburgh (left in January when my student visa was up) so I might actually be a lot of help? What kinds of things are you interested in, do you like touristy stuff, off the beaten path stuff, alcoholic stuff, what kinda stuff? I AM HERE FOR YOU!
YES! I would love to know some off the beaten path stuff to do, good places to drink (and good drinks to drink) as well as good drinking activities like brewery/distillery tours, places to eat, things to avoid. We love history, outdoors type things (although I realize that this is the UK and it will be September so outdoors might be limited), cozy bookshops, weird museums, etc.
Also, I should say that we’ve been saving up for this trip for a nearly a year so while we don’t want to spend like crazy, we are not pinching pennies either. I AM SO EXCITED.
YES! Okay, great. Off the top of my head:
The Scotch Whisky Experience by the castle is actually pretty great – even if you don’t do the tour (which is a kind of Disney-fied ride that teaches you about whisky), there is a regional tasting flight in the restaurant/bar downstairs that is WONDERFUL. It’s maybe 35 pounds for 4 drams and a cheese plate – perfect to share, you’ll get to taste stuff and get a little buzzed but still be able to walk.
Summerhall is one of my favourite quirky places to stop for a beer. It’s a little far from the Mile, but worth the walk. It’s right on the Meadows (a nice big park) and has a distillery/brewery, restaurant, and cafe. It’s actually the old vet school (the Royal Dick) and has kept the feel of it. Have a wander, grab some tea or beer and sit under artifacts, it’s bizarre and lovely.
Great bookstores aplenty – Grassmarket/Westport has a ton of used bookstores (Armchair Books is my favourite) and there’s a cozy one just off Middle Meadow Walk called Looking Glass Books that is super charming.
Arthur’s Seat is definitely worth the walk, bring water and prepare to be lapped by little old ladies. The view is wonderful, though. The Pentlands are also wonderful and worth the trek.
Not weird, but the National Museum of Scotland is just beautiful. Wander in, if only for a few minutes.
If you’re coffee people, there are some great coffee shops – Artisan Roast on Broughton Street constantly wins awards and is near quite a few cool, locally-owned shops that sell food and clothes and cute things. Brew Lab is great and also wonderful for overhearing pretentious undergrads discuss things like how they organise their bookshelves and whether or not they wear t-shirts (they don’t, I can only assumes t-shirts are not posh).
As far as boozing goes, oh, that is possibly the part of the city I know best! Haha. If you like beer, there are plenty of options – Brew Dog on Cowgate is fun, but Cowgate itself can be a little sketchy, so walk like you know where you’re going! If you want a fun pub, I love the Queens Arms on Frederick Street. Try to snag one of the cool booths to the right (they back up to the bar). Cocktails (my weakness) are a bit of a specialty in the city. Lucky Liquor on Queen Street does some cool, really creative things (full disclosure: I am friends with the manager and one of the bartenders) and has a really fun vibe, kind of dinner-meets-pool hall. Bramble is its upscale cousin, hidden away on Queen and…something? I forget. Panda and Sons is on Queen Street as well, right by Charlotte Square, and it looks like a Barber shop on top. You go through the door promising a shave for 25 cents and down the stairs. Heads and Tales is the bar for Edinburgh gin, a local distillery, and they make AWESOME gin drinks.
Food-wise, there is some great stuff. The aforementioned Queens Arms has some great food. Lucano’s on George IV has in.cred.i.ble. Italian food and is super cute. Spoon has some fantastic food, as well, of the Scottish/British/delicious variety and is known among locals as the place where JK Rowling *actually* wrote HP, unlike the Elephant Cafe which claims to be the “Birthplace of Harry Potter”. No. She wrote it in Spoon when her brother-in-law owned it (before it was Spoon).
Need to work, but will post more as I think of it!
I lived near Edinburgh for years, plus was there every August for the Fringe.
For Edinburgh itself:
The top of the National Museum of Scotland has a rooftop garden with an amazing view of the city.
The Royal Mile is sort of touristy, but at the end of it, the city half-disappears and your left with views of the countryside.
Kebab Mahal makes the best curry. Palmyra makes the best falafel. Sitting in the back at The Elephant Cafe and looking out the window is everything I wanted from ‘The Birthplace of Harry Potter’.
Oh, the view from that window! *swoon*
This is all excellent information and exactly the sorts of things I wanted to know. Thank you!
I’m glad! Also, OH GOD I MEANT ‘YOU’RE’, NOT ‘YOUR’.
Also, walking around the Meadows. And The Brass Monkey for a pub.
Also! I was supposed to go hiking in the Highlands once, and managed to sprain my ankle hiking in Yorkshire the week before, which left me unable to do more than limp from train station to hotel in any given town. I wound up taking the West Highland railway line all the way to Mallaig, where it ends, and got to see tons of the Scottish highland. So, if you want to have a day of seeing Scotland in all its glory, I recommend that.
Never been there specifically, but buying plane tickets is as easy as buying them domestically. You can do it online. I think you’ll need to put in your passport number and make sure your name matches how it is in your passport (like if it has your middle name and all that). But other than that it mostly involves spending a lot of money.
I’ve found that Google Flights is consistently the best way to search for tickets, domestically and internationally, if that helps.
Agreed, google flights is the best thing to ever happen to my travel planning!
I am endlessly devoted to Hipmunk for initial flight searching because the visual chart it gives is the only way my brain can actually assess whether I’m setting myself up to get up at 3 am to make it to the airport and how long is a 4 hour layover really and which flights are actually the same flights just with different names and if I leave at 4 am and arrive at 4:30 am how long am I traveling really. Plus their logo is really cute. Google Flights looks like it has some good tricks though.
That is good info, I don’t have my passport yet so it’s helpful to know I may need it before buying the tickets.
I’ve never needed to enter mine when buying- it’s an option, but not required! Just make sure when you apply you use the same name.
My last international flight included a layover in China, which may have had something to do with requiring my passport number. (Note: would not recommend a layover in Beijing)
I highly recommend Airbnb when looking for places to stay. You can always find options cheaper than hotels and as cheap as hostels, often with better locations or amenities (e.g. a kitchen–save money by cooking sometimes!) And the owners are usually happy to give you information on what to see and do in the area.
ALSO, HAPPY NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY, TOASTIES!!! APPRECIATE YOUR SIBLING OR DROP THEM LIKE A HOT POTATO – YAY EITHER WAY!
Videogame thread! What are you all playing this week?
I am still playing the lovely Pillars of Eternity (found some excellent Eder fanart here), and contemplating finally finishing the original Deus Ex after getting all excited about Mankind Divided’s reveal. But I’m also enjoying laughing at the new Witcher 3 trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYwe_WHARdc
Disappearing bra sex sitting on a unicorn! “Rated M…FOR MATURE”! So many people saying “cocksucker”! “EVEN [white elf] RACISM.” Prostitute threesomes and satanic rituals in the “most realistic fantasy of our time”! (Okay, the bloody ritual potentially appeals to the misandrist in me.) Pretty game, but man…we’ve reached Peak Gritty Dude Fantasy.
I finally finished Ori and the Blind Forest. Warning: then ending is sad too! (and hopeful).
I’m slowly making my way through Pillars of Eternity though I’m not very far at all.
I’ve also been playing an iPhone game called Wayward Souls which is pretty fun.
That Trailer! “Now with more racism!”
Oh maaan, I still need to play Ori as well. Though it has “I will cry” written all over it.
“EVEN Racism!” “Check out this blonde white elf lady! I’m telling you dude, she is stinky!” ~*~*~ADULT FANTASY~*~*~
You will cry, you will marvel at the beautiful artwork, you will swear at the game (because it is an actually fairly challenging platformer) , and then you will cry again, is pretty much how it goes.
“So gritty, so real!”
I am not playing anything currently, but that may change, because they’ve released Affordable Space Adventures:
Our newest Small Craft (TM) line with its intuitive and simple Heads Down Display technology offers all the functionality and flexibility of the Heads Up Displays installed in more expensive space ships, but at a fraction of the price.
I am still playing Ori and the Blind Forest (haven’t made much progress in the last week). I finished Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel last weekend and just started the Claptrap DLC, which is pretty neat so far. I also have an immense backlog of 80% finished games that I really need to get cracking on, like DAI, Minish Cap, Wind Waker, and Guacamelee.
So I moved away from a great job in August for my husband’s grad school internship and got a job so terrible I quit four months in without a backup. Now I’m home alone with my toddler all day without a car and really struggling to find jobs. I had reached a leadership/admin level in my field and I think I am truly qualified for equivalent positions here, but there aren’t many of them and I have interviewed for three jobs I haven’t gotten (admittedly one was a stretch). I’m afraid I’ve totally fallen off the hiring cycle and will have to wait until the fall for anything else solid to show up. If I didn’t have a kid, I could just volunteer, cobble together a bunch of part-time stuff, or take something low-paying, but now any job I get has to offset the considerable cost of childcare he’d need if I worked. I never planned to be a stay-at-home mom and while there is a lot I enjoy about it, I am starting to get really frustrated. I don’t know what I’m really asking, I’m just lonely and feeling like I wasted a very expensive education and years of hard work.
*hugs* It’ll all work out for the best. Just be patient, take care of your kid and take it one step at a time. I wish you all the very best!
I’ve been feeling broken and lonely and useless even WITH a job (which I also hate), as I’ve waited for the past year for my husband to finally finish up his own work so we can move on with our lives. Different situation (we haven’t had kids yet), but I’ve experienced a little bit of that frustrated feeling of having wasted my education and being unable to move on due to circumstances out of my control. And oh my god it sucks so much. So this is just a statement of sympathy and virtual hugs. I hope it all works out for you!
What are your toastie thoughts on dating someone with whom you don’t feel *electricity* but you enjoy his company and think he has many good qualities that you want in a partner? (It’s now been four dates and one small kiss that was pleasant but not thrilling.)
I have a very bad pattern of choosing the broken birds and those relationships – unsurprisingly – always fall apart. So I’m trying to consciously make different choices. I’m not doing or saying anything that I don’t feel genuine about; but in the past I would have written this one off as “not enough chemistry.”
I think I would examine how I feel about his enjoyable company and ask myself if it is enjoyable in ways that are important to me and that will help sustain a relationship I’m interested in working for. And does this enjoyability stand on its own, or does it shine only because I’m comparing to worse experiences?
My ex was/is a very nice person, with good partner qualities, and I think I could say I enjoyed his company, but I also eventually realized it was less enjoyable than merely not so objectionable. In my specific case, I made myself laugh more than he ever did, and humour is *such* a huge component of how I’m attracted to a person, it’s pretty funny (pun!). That element of enjoying a person, for me, makes everything so much easier, including the harder stuff of getting to know a person, like misunderstandings, expressing needs, being vulnerable.
Time is important! You might get a better handle on your feelings as you see this person more. Maybe you’ll build chemistry instead. Maybe not.
If I met someone I liked but wasn’t wild for, I’d open myself up to it — “give it a chance”, as we like to say — but also remind myself to be honest — to him and more importantly, to myself — if I just genuinely am not particularly looking forward to keep knowing and learning about this person.
This gent could also be one of the first people who teaches you that someone can be enjoyable and good on paper but still isn’t a partner for you. There are and will be lots of people like that! It’s confusing but good to learn.
Also, just slightly apart from everything else, I think it’s okay to say to yourself that you want chemistry with someone whose company you enjoy and who has good partner qualities. It doesn’t mean you should discard prospects who don’t have immediate sparks, but maybe explore this avenue where you give yourself permission to think and feel this way, instead of either/or.
I hope this helped. Good luck!
Ugh, that’s such a tough one. My knee-jerk response would be give it another date or two and some more smooching. (Which, fair warning, could just be internalized patriarchy bullshit “he’s such a nice guy, give him a chance”) Chemistry for me doesn’t really happen until the kissing starts and it sometimes takes a few tries to adjust to each other. BUT if there’s no chemistry after that and/or the idea kissing him more makes you sad right now, don’t do it. You can’t force chemistry if there’s really none there. I’ve tried. It sucked!
That’s sort of how it went when my dude and I started dating? He was a really nice dude, we had a good time on dates, great conversation, I enjoyed his company and he seemed – on paper at least – like what I wanted/needed in a dude but there was no zing. I was going to fade on him after a particularly awkward date when he invited me to this super cool performance of Macbeth in an old fort (how could I turn THAT down?) and when we were there we were forced to be in close proximity, with a lot of (chaste!) physical contact and THEN sparks happened. That date ended with a sweet little kiss and then on the next one we played mini-golf where there was even more casual touching and by the time we finished dinner I was ready to tear his clothes off. So I say, so long as you’re still enjoying yourself, give it one more date? I mean, you can’t force this stuff, but sometimes it’s a slow burn and not a spark.
Moar physical contact! I will keep this in mind too 🙂
Like – being near him in a more playful, active setting felt way more comfortable (and fun) than just sitting across a table from him, if that makes sense.
I totally know what you mean! I think it’s a shared experience thing?
I’m actually a big proponent of sitting next to each other instead of across, but that seems more like a French thing.
Great story – I went to that Macbeth at Fort Point, and it was super cool, but oh-my-god-so-cold in there. If I had been with any kind of date there would have been a lot of snuggling for body heat happening.
Honestly, as an old married woman the electricity does go away eventually, although the genuine fondness and joy of being with the person does not . So if you enjoy being with the person, look forward to seeing them, and like kissing them (and being kissed by them) I’d give it a go. It really is about enjoying the company and physical contact of the other person once you reach a certain point in the relationship. (Although I do admit, butterflies in the tummy are lovely.)
On a side note, I find that I am reminded how much I love my husband when somebody else hurts him. Once some of his friends made him cry (they were all drunk and foolish–it was over shuffleboard rules–Men) and I was so angry that somebody dared make him cry I was shaking and wanted to go into the bar and give the offenders a piece of my mind until they cried. In that moment, I knew that I was as deeply in love with him as ever. So if you find yourself wanting to punch somebody who has offended your partner because when they hurt, you hurt as well, then you are in the right place.
I love this.
Sparks are overrated sometimes.
I’ve never been a relationship with immediate chemistry, I’m often more attracted to someone the more I know him. My ex-fiance (amazing guy, I was just too young and afraid) and I dated for 6 weeks before I felt anything. Maybe I’m weird, but the chemistry totally came later.
Same. I could never do Tinder, for that reason. “How do I know I’m attracted to this person just looking at a picture? I haven’t even TALKED to them?”
I dated a lot of guys with whom I felt hella electricity, and the relationships tended to turn codependent and toxic – like I was chasing the “high” I felt when I first met them, but there wasn’t much else we had in common beyond how attracted we were to each other. So when I was ready to date again, I dated a girl with whom I didn’t feel a spark, but I really enjoyed her company. I thought “Hey, the chemistry turned out to be unhealthy; maybe this is how it’s supposed to feel.” And, honestly, it didn’t work out well. We never really got emotionally intimate, I didn’t feel a strong desire to spend time with her after a while; it felt more like “friends who have sex” than anything else.
So…there’s a happy medium, obviously, between “chemistry” and “getting along,” which I haven’t yet found. I say give it a few more dates but if you really don’t feel romantic urges, don’t force it. Have him be a friend, don’t force sex and romance into it.
Okay, so this Bruce Jenner interview happening: http://deadline.com/2015/04/bruce-jenner-intervie…
Honestly, I am just getting more and more irritated with the entire situation. This whole situation is not doing the trans community any favors. It is so frustrating to walk through the checkout at a grocery store and see all of the speculation and gossip about it, especially when Bruce has not given anyone the necessary information (name/pronouns/etc) to gender him appropriately. Ugh, just using he/him pronouns there made me uncomfortable. :/
I’m not sure where I was going with that – I guess I’m just frustrated. 🙁
Yeah, the speculation has been pissing me off, too. I can’t tell if this is a managed publicity thing, or if it’s totally out of control.
My heart goes out to Bruce. But I don’t know how to think of (him), or refer to (him). I wish (he) would just tell us what (he) wants. But then I’m being insensitive, thinking this poor person should self-identify on my timetable, for my convenience. I just feel bad for the obvious struggles and for the larger struggles I imagine, being in the public eye so much.
Oh, and Hi, ocwut!
I have spent the day revising and privately congratulating myself for having the foresight to choose Roman Law as my optional paper in lieu of anything which would render me remotely employable. Today I learned how to sue someone for stealing a tamed peacock.
were tamed peacocks a common pet in Rome? Inquiring minds need to know!!
You have clearly made an excellent choice. (And don’t some places like South Africa still have legal systems based on it? Totally relevant. We have a whole section on Roman-Dutch law in the law library where I work.)
ARGH! People are so dumb. This week has been non-stop stupid bankruptcy clients. Today we had two clients not show up to hearings. We sent them a letter with instructions for how to dress, what to bring, etc. They also got notice from the court and a letter from the bankruptcy trustee’s office with instructions for the hearing. I had an appointment not show up for the appointment he made yesterday, and when I called after 15 minutes he said he didn’t know he had an appointment.
Yesterday my chocolate easter bunny was only missing ears. Now, before lunch, all that is left are feet.
I did bankruptcy about 16 years ago, the type where you pay down your debt. . So for 5 years I made monthly payments. At the end, I got a letter from the bankruptcy lawyers, which said that I was one of the few people ever to fulfill the 5 years of payments thing. (I made payments ever while I was in the hospital and in a nursing home after a nearly fatal car accident with a bad head injury, six months of no walking, and major major pain meds, which impressed the lawyers even more).
I got the feeling that people who file for bankruptcy … maybe don’t have their sh** together. Not just their finances, but anything having anything to do with getting through the day.
I’d just like to say that the bankruptcy people I worked with were great and very accommodating. I hope you have lots and lots of chocolate.
It’s about 8% that finish right now. Congratuwelldone! (as my sisters and I say!)
I passed the certification exam I took at the trade show we went to! So I now have a technical certification from a national agency, which means a raise, and also that I’m super good at my job (this is also helping me with my sales work).
Plus, my stoic Norwegian farmer grandpa said it was “pretty great,” and he was noticeably happy and proud. SO EMOTIONAL, GRANDPA.
YAY!!!!
Wait, another post. I also want to share this awesome image, from the discardingimages medieval marginalia tumblr, of a bunch of ladies on a tower wearing bloody dragon hats:
Stylish!
Bloody brilliant!
Toasties! Toasties! I have never posted in one of these open threads before, BUT. I have what is perhaps the greatest story of all time!
SO when Nicole Callahan posted her reminder to check in about payment for work on this here lovely website, I realized I hadn’t done that yet for something that was posted here a while back. I emailed and got an immediate response (props to Callahan for emailing me on Easter Sunday btw; that’s dedication, and we began making payment arrangements. Since nothing I do seems to be able to cure paypal of the delusion that I still live in my childhood home, I asked for a physical cheque to be sent. The Nicoles, worried that it wouldn’t get to me in a reasonable time, enlisted the help of Nicole Cliffe’s mom (!) to write me a cheque, since she lives in Canada.
This morning I get the following email from Nicole’s mom:
Subj: Believe it or not!:
Mice in our mailbox at the end of the lane chewed up your cheque!
Chris the mail carrier was amused, me not so much.
I am reissuing and will post in [nearby town] after lunch. I am so sorry for this added delay!
Cheers
Nicole Cliffe’s mom
She also sent a picture of my poor chewed-up cheque. Can you embed pics in comments here? This greatness deserves documentation.
AMAZING. This is the stuff of Toast legend.
YAY! Welcome to the Open Thread!
Nicole Cliffe put up on pic of this on twitter, I was wondering what the back story was! So great.
If you have to have a delay on a cheque, at least it’s an ADORABLE delay.
I would like try try pawpaws, and never have because they’re apparently very difficult to transport, and there’s only so far I’m willing to drive for potentially mediocre fruit.
Also, I have just radically altered my life plans and am moving to New York this summer with some friends I really just met, instead of going back to the UK, where I have lived for pretty much my entire adult life. It’s very exciting and I’m a bit terrified.
I just read the children’s book Beyond the Pawpaw Trees, which led me to look up pawpaws, and now I really want to try them too.
We had a friend bring us a pawpaw, and I was very sick at the time and so barely tasted it, and now have many regrets. My spouse has a baby pawpaw in our backyard so will check back in 7 years. How amazing is it though, that the midwest has its own tropical-type fruit?! So amazing!
Excellent username, excellent courage RE living in New York, that is all.
I know nothing of pawpaws. They sound southern? And American – like American Gothic somehow.
OMG! There’s a pawpaw festival in Ohio every September! It’s only 3 hours away from me! I’m totally checking it out!
I LOVE pawpaws! They do grow near New York, but not so easily, and as you say they don’t travel, and nobody raises them commercially even for greenmarkets. Last year Dean & Deluca got a shipment and I fell upon it with gusto even at D&D prices which is not the kind of indulgence I usually allow myself. They are sheer heaven!
They are definitely similar to a cherimoya, which apparently travel better as we can buy those here.
Toasters, where should I move?
I am marooned in my hometown in the wilds of rural northern California, and finally have the means to be anywhere else. I work remotely for a company based in LA, and I am perfectly happy to move there in theory– I have friends there, the weather is wonderful, I refuse to subscribe to the standard belief in my area that it is a terrible city full of terrible people, etc.
But, obviously, it’s expensive. I make enough that I can support myself/cat/romantic associate while he looks for work, but I get money anxiety and it would be nice to have as much junk in my savings-account-trunk as possible to alleviate that. We want to get a dog, and it would be nice for that dog to have a yard full of mud or whatever dogs are into.
He wants to live somewhere with good backpacking potential, and is pushing for Colorado. I want to live in a city, and I don’t know much about Denver, so any insights there are welcome. We’re really pretty open to most possibilities, but I would like to avoid New England/Midwest-style winters after my stint in Vermont. I lived in Seattle and it was great but my ex still lives there and I want to give him as few opportunities as possible to accidentally-on-purpose run into me and try to convince me that he is not, in fact, the worst. Portland is promising, but it’s dangerously close to Seattle.
So. Where have you lived and why is it great?
I grew up near San Francisco, and it’s my favorite city in the whole world. Unfortunately, it’s also super expensive. So I moved to Salt Lake City, in part because I have family in the area (since I moved here a brother, a sister, and my mother have all moved to the valley near me) but I really like it here. We have seasons, but it’s not crazy cold and we don’t usually get tons of snow in the valley (mountains are another story!) There’s a great food scene here, the mountains are beautiful and there’s lots of outdoor activities. It gets hot in the summer, but not humid. Best of all, it’s affordable. Also, I can drive back to San Francisco in one day.
I have heard excellent things about SLC! One shameful thing about me is that even after living in Vermont for 6 years I never learned to ski and am honestly a little scared to live in a place where that’s A Thing. It’s expensive, and it’s all anyone talks about in winter! Do you find that it’s an overwhelming part of life there? Also, I know it’s not so much an issue in SLC proper, but do you find religious fundamentalism to be an issue? I’m not afraid of Mormons, I think they’re overall quite lovely, but I’ve never lived somewhere with a religious group that formed a noticeable majority, and I’m curious how that factors into daily life.
I’ve never been skiing. It’s too expensive and my asthma prevents me anyway. I don’t notice it being a Thing. There are people who go every weekend but most don’t go at all.
The Mormon thing I might not be the best to get an opinion on, because I am LDS. (That’s why I have so much family here, they were born here and never left!) The numbers IN salt lake is less than in the suburbs. It varies by area. Those of us in town are also more liberal. (You’ll probably want to avoid Utah County, unless you’re into conservitism and hunting) I’m the only Mormon in my 8 unit building, and lots of my friends (quilters, mostly) aren’t. My workplace is half and half, but there are only 4 of us, so I don’t really know how it affects other work environments.
It was an adjustment for me to be around so many Mormons, mostly because I’m far more liberal, though I’ve made it work with my religious beliefs. For example, I can’t reconcile conservative views on welfare and immigration with my religious beliefs. I think it was less about the religion than moving from SF bay area to a Red State, and probably would have had the same adjustment moving to Texas or something.
I live near the neighborhood known as 9th and 9th. I’m close to Trader Joe’s, Sprouts, and Whole Foods. There’s a large park within walking distance, decent public transportation, and our library system is great too.
There’s also a LOT of crafters/sewers here and loads of small, locally owned fabric and yarn shops.
I thought that might be the case, what with the family living there and all! I grew up in an area with a decently sized Mormon population, and I hung out with a lot of them due to my participation in school music programs (is it, like, a universal truth that Mormon kids are just unusually musically talented?), and even on a small scale there seemed to be a pretty substantial diversity of political opinions, so I’m not terribly concerned about persecution of outsiders or anything (though, like you said…Red State).
If anything, I’m apprehensive (and maybe a little jealous?) of there being a cohesive community that I’m not a part of, and am curious whether that can make it difficult for non-Mormons to develop support networks. Everything you’ve said sounds promising, though! I knit pretty obsessively, and I suspect that may be my key to making friends.
I used to live in Fort Collins, Colorado, and I loved it (we had to move for the husband’s job). There’s backpacking and outdoor options everywhere, you’re close to Denver, but not too close. The city has lots of wonderful breweries, and it’s sunny something like 300 days of the year. You get snow, but it usually melts pretty quick and winters are mostly mild. The downtown is lovely, the city is very bike friendly, and the public transit is pretty nice. What I loved is there was always something to do from free festivals downtown to brew fests and wine fests to outdoor movies. It had pretty much everything I want in a town (good places to eat, indie movie theatre, actual theatre, a wonderful local bookstore, cheese bistro, etc) while not being too big as to be impersonal. I highly suggest a weekend trip just to check it out, even if you don’t want to move there, Fort Collins has a lot to do.
I live down in New Mexico now, which I also love (and if you’re into the desert, it’s a great place to live as well–if you’re interested I can elaborate) but I still miss Fort Collins. Ooh, and they just got a Trader Joe’s, a CostCo, AND a Sierra Trading post outlet.
This is very good to know! I know basically nothing about the layout or culture of Colorado in general, and I don’t really have a good concept of which towns are enjoyable places to be (except that I have been told very emphatically never to go to Colorado Springs). My boyfriend is in Boulder now and we may take a trip out there together soon to investigate further. I’m apprehensive about Boulder due to its being a college town. I am just sliiightly too old for that shit and only getting older.
I am borderline sold on Fort Collins just for this alleged cheese bistro. This is an absurdly specific question, but what do you know about the local crafting (especially knitting) scene? Any good yarn shops? This is the closest thing I have to an actual hobby that can allow me to meet people so I’m curious. Making grown-up friends is hard and that’s part of why I’m drawn to LA (an assortment of friends already live there) but I don’t want to get myself in over my head financially just because I’m tired of moving to new places where I don’t know anyone. Bike-friendly is good, though. Very good. Honestly, this all sounds great and I’m surprised because I had never really heard anything about this place before. This country is just too damn big and full of places to choose from.
We’ve been kicking around the idea of desert living as well– a good friend of mine lives in Tucson. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with living somewhere so devoid of water, but then again I’m talking about moving to LA. Existence just seems so…precarious in the desert. Tell me more about New Mexico!
Long answer:
Boulder is lovely, although it is super pricey and surprisingly conservative in more recent years. (It’s filled with a lot of wealthy hippies who don’t want to pay taxes and their trustafarian children–but it is a wonderful town and home of Celestial Seasonings Tea.) Fort Collins is also a college town, but not really A College Town, if that makes sense. Basically, so long as you’re not in Old Town after midnight it’s really not that obvious beyond the fact that there are some wonderful clothing places aimed at the college kids.
Now as for the local crafting scene, oh you asked the right person. There is a VERY active crafting scene and some great yarn stores, one of which is built in a carriage house and is so beautiful I would happily live there among the skeins of yarn. There are stitch and bitch sessions at the coffee houses and a wonderful active community of makers. Interweave of Interweave Knits, Knit Scene, PieceWork, etc. has their base office in Fort Collins. If you knit, it is a great town. There are also plenty of groups you can join for hiking and biking, etc. for making friends. If you are into such things, I’ve heard that the book clubs at Firehouse books are wonderful great fun. The town has a lot of scientists and academic types that move in and out so there are plenty of folks in your same situation who are in need of friends. Oh, and it’s probably the most well planned city I’ve ever visited. There are parks EVERYWHERE and you can tell the city planners are thinking decades into the future when they make decisions. I really miss having so many parks and biking trails. It’s also a very green city.
Now, all that said, sometime Fort Collins can feel very white and entitled. There are lots of Whole Foods Moms and the like, but they are mostly easy to avoid. It can also be expensive if you’re close to Old Town, but if you don’t mind being in the “uncool” part of town it’s really not too bad. Plus you can get some amazing yards if you rent/buy an older house.
New Mexico is wonderful and weird. I live way down south in Las Cruces, near El Paso, and I love it. As much as I enjoyed Fort Collins, I am a desert rat at heart. The weather is gorgeous most of the year (although it does get hot, thought not Tucson hot) and people here are so friendly. You’ll get into conversations with strangers at the grocery store and neighbors wave as they drive by whether you know them or not. The food is unbeatable (if you enjoy spicy things) and there’s a pretty decent art scene. There’s also plenty of hiking nearby, although it does get hot after a bit. It’s a big town that still feels small. It doesn’t have as much as Fort Collins in the way of shops and places to eat (no cheese bistros) but El Paso is nearby for all of that. Oh, and the sunsets are amazing.
It’s also not perfect, you have a sort of hidden racism that’s rather odd, and there are dust storms in spring, but I love this place to bits. I think, though, that people either love New Mexico and do what they can to move and stay there or they cannot stand it and look for any escape. I actually know more than a few people who’ve moved here from Fort Collins and about half love it here and about half are trying to get back to Colorado. It’s not terribly bike friendly and I do miss having lots of parks, but I love all the wilderness areas close by.
If you have more questions let me know. I think you two might really love Northern Colorado more so than New Mexico (although one never does know–the green chile sauce is way better down here), but if you can visit before you commit I suggest it. Plus Colorado in sping and summer (and fall and winter) is gorgeous. (If you do visit, the cheese bistro is The Welsh Rabbit and it’s in Old Town.)
Ah, I think I’m in love. I didn’t even think of the Interweave connection! I especially appreciate the distinction you drew between types of college towns– I started to feel alienated in my own college town as soon as I turned 22, honestly, and it is known for being almost identical to Boulder. I’d like to live somewhere the population skews younger, but where the whims and rents of college students don’t completely dictate the experience of everyone else there. On the other hand, for the first time in my life I’m making enough money to be able to afford to live in a college town! Exciting! I have also spent my whole life around entitled white people, so at least I’m prepared.
I think I’m definitely one of those people who can visit the desert and enjoy it but I can’t really see myself living there. You’ve pretty much sold me on Fort Collins, though. Hooray! Thanks!
I live in Montana, in a fairly small city, and I love it. The backpacking opportunities are great. The downsides are that it’s hard to fly anywhere (which comes in to play if you ever have to go spend time at the base company and if you don’t want to drive many many hours for vacation travel). There are definitely more survivalists and Ayn Randians than I’d sometimes like, but I live in one of the university towns and that helps a lot. Also, there are so many dogs here, it is a total dog town!
DOGS! Dogs dogs dogs dogs
Are you in Missoula, by any chance? I’ve been told it’s lovely. Travel is kind of an issue, you’re right– I live somewhere now with a terrible, barely-functional regional airport and it is unbelievably hard to get anywhere. I love long drives and all, but…
I actually live in Bozeman right now, but I’ve lived in the Missoula area. Both are really pretty. Missoula is a bit more…crunchy, but Bozeman is also a college town, so there’s some liberal feeling as well.
And dogs, so many dogs. I just went for a walk at lunch and saw the cutest corgi puppy being walked. I almost stole it and went running for the hills.
I lived in PDX for 6 years and only ever went to Seattle 3x, because f u Seattle. So there’s that. I’m happy to answer any Portland related questions if you have them. It’s a lovely city and most of the time lives entirely up to all the hype. Plus it’s not as dense as other big cities, so it’s easier to enjoy if you’re not a big city person. And the ability to easily get “outside” for adventures is great (though not as great as AK, where I now live).
Other than that I’m not too much help because I would love to move to the wilds of rural northern California.
It’s good to hear it lives up to the hype! There’s so much that sometimes I get suspicious. From what I hear, it’s much cheaper and more pleasant than Seattle. How easy would you say it is to acquire a small house with a yard in a neighborhood close to Things? I really know nothing about Portland neighborhoods, actually. I’m a lapsed hipster who is very cool, I swear, but who finds the process of keeping up with trends exhausting now that I am pushing 26. Not too concerned with being in the coolest possible neighborhood, I’d be happy with a knitting circle, a good coffee shop, a bar or two, and a dog park, to be honest.
My ambivalence toward my hometown is mainly due to its being my hometown. If you like Alaska but would prefer larger trees and a total absence of snow, have I got the place for you! We have a horrific meth problem and no jobs to speak of, but other than that it’s quite lovely, if incredibly isolated.
It’s not impossible now but holy housing bubble, do it now if you think you might want to. We’re still cheaper than a lot of major cities especially Seattle but we’re heading the wrong direction.
Small house with a yard, easy to find. Cheap and close to things? Getting harder every day. Like Maryaed says, still cheaper than Seattle. But lots of neighborhoods have the things you asked about, even if they’re not hip.
It’s Merrie Monarch week here! This is the most prestigious hula competition, and it’s held every year around this time in our little town, and it means packs of roaming hula halau, good Hawaiian food, and a parade! So if any of you are curious about Hawaiian culture, come learn a little bit: http://www.k5thehometeam.com/category/294677/2015…
This also coincides with the protest that’s been going on atop Mauna Kea, which if any of you follow Jason Momoa you may have heard of.
I have been polling friends to find out a) if they think this was mean, and b) how mean. Most of them have gone, “OHHH CHARTREUSAN!” but then come around when I explained myself further. I went on a date on Wednesday, and it was bad. Bad like no chemistry, no laughing, no flirting, no connection whatsoever. On paper there was a chance we’d get along, but in actuality he turned out to be an under-employed, baggage-toting, possible-anger-issue-having guy with an inferiority complex and very little in the way of a sense of humour. AND HE MANSPLAINED AT ME. So when it came time to decide if we were ordering a second round, he said, “it’s okay if you’re not feeling it,” and I was all, yeah, I gotta work tomorrow, etc, we should go. So we left, and ended up walking down the street a bit before parting ways, and in MY head I was all, well, since I had agreed when he put the “not feeling it” vibe out, I think we both know this isn’t going anywhere. BUT THEN he said, “so, you think we should hang out again?” And I looked him dead in the eye and said, no, I don’t think so.
So, mean? How mean? Here’s my thing: he had to KNOW it wasn’t good, and then he asked ANYWAY. And guys always ad nauseum complain about “playing games” (my theory is they are just too dumb to pick up on PLAINLY OBVIOUS social cues and then try and gaslight us into thinking we’re the manipulative psychos), so I answered honestly and clearly. Why lead him on? PLUS THE MANSPLAINING. THE MANSPLAINING. Actually, the more I think about that, the more I think the best option would have been to set him on fire.
Guys can be dumb, so I always say be as direct as you can without being mean. I think that’s exactly what you did.
I can see someone being legit confused whether “I’m not really feeling it and I gotta work in the morning” means “not feeling like staying out tonight” or “not feeling this whole dating you thing at all.” Buuuuuut not with the giant contextual clue of no laughing or flirting whatsoever. So, he `splained at you, you are therefore entitled to clearly `splain “‘Not feeling it’ means ‘No, never gonna feel it'” at him.
Nope. You held back a lot of anger, and that was not mean. You were already nice to him. Believe that.
What you said was plain honesty. Sometimes we hem and haw about being nice AND honest, but you gave this guy more than he deserved. He killed the little good will between two people just trying to get to know each other because he made it as hard as possible.
He asked you a question, and you answered, as you said, honestly and clearly. That in itself is a courtesy a lot of better dates don’t get.
He probably asked because he was like “why not.” You can leave this guy far behind you!
It’s a trick question! If you hadn’t said it directly, everyone would have said “why can’t women ever just say what they feel, what if he didn’t understand social cues, etc,” but since you did say it directly, you hurt his precious fee-fees, and you’re a bitch, and why couldn’t you just let him down easy? Because there is never any winning in this situation.
YES. That is exactly how I feel. Last time I hedged, it got all weird and unpleasant, so I have resolved to do it NO LONGER.
What were you supposed to say? Yes?!? And then what, bail later? Go out with him again cause now you’re cornered? You did the right thing. 100%.
I think this is ZERO MEAN! If you’d rattled off a list of his shortcomings, or if you’d laughed in his face, that could have been mean. This is just honest, and I completely agree that it was a trick question anyway.
EXACTLY.
You were clear and direct. Unless you went out of your way to mock or insult him (which obviously you didn’t), there is NOT A THING mean about your answer.
No, not mean, just honest, and much nicer than leading him on.
Toasties! I posted in the Bosslady comment section last week, about juggling interview with jobs after accepting a position at a gift shop. I am happy to say that I was just made a job offer for a nonprofit position and I accepted!!!!! I did not start at the gift shop, although I feel really bad about it, I am just thrilled to be making a decent salary.
I got to judge a bunch of science fair projects this morning, and let me tell you, enthusiastic junior scientists are THE BEST. Some of them were doing more complicated things than may have been contained in my entire PhD thesis, which is simultaneously cool and a bit depressing. Also: SO MANY GIRLS, yay!
Toasties! Spring has been an awfully long time coming, but we’re finally seeing the beginnings of it in New York, and even though it’s gray out today, I’m full of cheerfulness and warm fuzzy feelings. And this weekend I’m going to hear a badass mezzo-soprano sing art songs at Lincoln Center. Which will make up for the fact that I still have to file my taxes.
Fruits: actually, what I really look forward to at this time of year is asparagus. Local, not-trucked-in-from-Florida asparagus. And the appearance of flowers and cherry blossom branches at the farmers’ market.
No dog thread yet? Ok, here is a goofy blurry corgi face:
Trixie has decided that the best place to sleep at the office is behind me on the office chair. The chair leans back more than I do, so she’s kind of like a fanny-pack on top of my bum. Not super comfortable.
It’s been a bit chilly here (like 40s-60s) so she’s been spending time near the space heater and wearing her hoodie.
CORGI FACE OMG *smoosh*
AAAAHH I am looking to get a puppy soon and I can’t stop fixating on corgis. I know we’ll end up just going to a shelter and falling in love with a mutt anyway, but I’m still obsessed with picking the perfect one and I love corgis to death. Also considering a Swedish vallhund, in case we feel like being insufferable hipsters and going with a breed that no one’s ever heard of. You know, for dog park cred.
Ah the eternal pull between helping out a shelter dog and getting a cool breed. We compromised by doing both (and we kinda got the corgi incidentally, we weren’t looking for one exactly but a breeder who was intending to keep her ended up not being able to for some breeding reasons and made her available).
Sometimes there are breed specific rescues you may be able to check out too.
Those Swedish vallhunds are adorable! I had not heard of them before.
They’re great! They’re like…wolfy Viking proto-corgs. Apparently they come with way fewer congenital health issues than corgis, too! If we can find a breed-specific rescue for them (this may be a bit of a stretch) then all my dreams will come true!
I’m so late to the thread! I was in the Meeting That Wouldn’t End 🙁
Blackberries are my ~indulgent~ fruit because they’re just never cheap enough for me to justify buying a teeny tiny pint of them. When I get them, though, oohhh, I pour cream and sugar over them (because I am a hedonistic child) and go to TOWN.
If anyone is reading this far: tattoos! Specifically, regretting them. That’s what I want to talk about. I am a young millennial and I constantly want more tattoos. I already have two and have at least three more planned. I still love both of mine but have only had them for a few years. Do any of you have tattoos that you regret? Or is this a lie my mother tells me? Will I regret getting matching tattoos with my three best friends, or an illustration from the album artwork of my favorite band?
Who among us can know what regrets the tides of time hold for us? That said, I do not regret the small tattoo I got 19 years ago which matches one my mom has, or the small tattoo I got 17 years ago which is very me-as-a-teenager but still charming to me now, or the larger tattoos I got 10, 5, and 4 years ago which all represent things that were important to me then. Still gorgeous, still love them.
Right, like, I can’t imagine regretting the fact that I once loved something enough to put it on my body. I’d rather be old and look at my tattoos and see a life full of things I was passionate about, even if the tattoos don’t look good anymore. I can’t imagine regretting it but I am also young and impulsive and lack foresight.
I have no tattoos, but sometimes I think about camouflage for the scar that runs from my navel all the way down.
I am glad I never got a christian-themed tattoo from my fervent believer years; I am now gently atheist. I am glad I never got a Billy Joel tattoo; I have come to see the era-specific redundancies in his performances.
I think tattoos are unlikely to cause regret if they are inspired by something eternal, like your bond with a parent or a child. Or pride in a time-tested tradition, like armed forces tats.
But I think you’re way ahead of the game because you are giving thought to your future tattoos. That fact alone prevents most regrets.
You know what? Technology is improving so rapidly that by the time you get around to regretting them it will probably be really easy to remove them. (I have a lot of tattoos and have never seriously contemplated removing any of them, but I do still have moments where I think about how if it was cheap and easy, I could go back to being a blank slate.)
Seriously. You can always just ink over anything you come to truly regret. Which is what I tell my cousin who disavows his KKK tattoo. “If you’re serious, obliterate that hateful thing from your skin. Ink over it until it’s unrecognizable.” I think he’s still racist as shit and I will not give him a pass.
I have two (beautifully done, I swear) blue footed boobies tattooed on my chest (HAHAHAHA GET IT???) that I got as a college graduation present to myself in a haze of stress and antidepressants, during a period of my life not characterized by good decision-making (I broke off the engagement, thank god), and occasionally I do entertain thoughts of regret. Not so much “this was a bad idea” as much as “I wonder if I will consider this to be a bad idea at some unknown point in the future?”
When I’m at my most reasonable, I tell myself that the future is vast and unknowable and other, less visible choices I have made will surely have a much more profound effect on the course of my life. I mean, don’t get matching face tattoos with your best friends, and don’t waste your limited supply of canvas on cheaply-done filler, but don’t worry too much. I’ve got a huge birthmark on my ass, it’s like a less-cool tattoo that I didn’t get to pick out myself. There’s nothing particularly virtuous about unmarked skin.
PS BLACKBERRIES
THEY ARE THE BEST FRUIT
THEY ARE MOSTLY SOUR AND DISAPPOINTING BUT WHEN YOU FIND A PERFECT ONE IT IS ALL WORTH IT
I know it’s far too late for you to ever see this comment, but I would like to say — in the non-creepiest way possible — that I have never ever wanted to see photographs of a stranger’s chest as much as I now want to see photographs of yours. (Because blue-footed boobies on your chest, the very idea delights me so much I have lost my words.)
COME TO THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST where blackberries are literally an invasive weed. Hell, come directly to my place and you can pick a whole gallon standing in one spot.
My oldest tattoo is only 6 years old but I still love and adore it. And all the others! I did plan for donkeys’ years beforehand, I always knew I wanted one, then I eventually got the idea, then I redrew it eight million times and one day the eight million and first iteration of it just clicked in my head and that was the right one. I designed all mine myself so they’re all my own art on my own body which is what I love about them.
Friends, my boyfriend of a year and a half just broke up with me. As in he was supposed to spend the weekend with me and just showed up with my stuff in his trunk. I’m teetering between incredibly sad and furious as fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
Oh my gosh, that’s terrible! I’m so so sorry. This is going to be a terrible time for you but you’ll get through it <3
Oh noooooo 🙁 This is terrible news!! I’m sorry darling – that’s quite an awful surprise. We are here for you forever and love you to bits.
That was very rude and childlike. He should have told you beforehand. I’m so sorry.
THANK YOU! He didn’t understand that I was mad he waited over a week to tell me because he wanted to tell me in person. If he had told me then I wouldnt have bought the dress for the wedding we were going to next weekend, started a baby quilt for our friends who are now his friends, and planned out our weekend, including buying food for 2 and turning down plans because he said he hadn’t been feeling well and didn’t want to make plans for the weekend. Huh, leaning towards furious now!
Furious sounds about right to me. UGH.
I’m sorry 🙁
Ugh, it sounds like his need to tell you in person was well-intentioned but misguided. But sometimes people call this stuff wrong. (I always hate the idea that someone has been sitting on this need-to-know info, but then other people are more bothered by bad timing.)
I’m really sorry you put in all the effort and I hope you will find a more deserving baby for your quilt and a great place to go dancing in the dress.
oh no I’m so sorry 🙁
that is the worst and he is a jerk.
I have nothing useful to say, but have all the internet hugs. Or help with a voodoo doll.
Oh, I’m so sorry! Fuck that dude.
Wow… that seems an awfully cruel way to break up with someone. I’m sorry. If you set him on fire I don’t think anyone would blame you, just saying.
HE IS THE WORST. I’m so sorry.
I really believe that this youtube video is what would happen if Mallory and Nicole’s twitters had a baby: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emi4UpeY6LY
This afternoon my GLORIOUS RUN of not getting asked out at work ended and I am annoyed. What…what makes a person think ‘yes, I will ask this person for their professional advice and then, I will ask this woman at least twenty years my junior if she wants to go out sometime, that is a reasonable interaction to have’?
Oh, ew. Sorry that happened.
(“insufferable presumption” is the only answer to your question that comes to mind)
Maybe he was overcome by your intellect and couldn’t help himself!
Unwelcome advances at work, ugh.
Is anyone interested in a Colorado Toastie meet up? Maybe in Fort Collins?
So I have recently started wearing mascara a bit but all of a sudden I want SPARKLY EVERYTHING. I found some makeuppy glitter left over from when I was in college like 15 years ago, and I put some on my eyelids, and I was super happy about it. Is this a thing that adults can do? What other kinds of sanctioned sparkliness can I find?
It is a thing that I do, I don’t know about other grownups. I have about 15 different glittery nail polishes which I wear almost all the time, I rarely wear makeup (about twice a year) but when I do, it’s glittery eyeliner and mascara. I like glitter and I’m at one with it.
I also put (edible) glitter on cakes.
edible glitter! Of course! I should start baking.
Thank you for the glitter solidarity.
This interesting. There has always been a bit of glitter in the aura around how I imagine you.
This is the most unexpectedly sweet thing anyone has said to me in a while! Thank you!
Enjoy, misandrists!
https://youtu.be/VEXgZtj0nyA
I was recently informed that my roommate (that owns the house) is in arrears for utilities and that if he doesn’t pay the whole 800+ USD, they will shut them off next Wednesday. So, yeah, that’s a thing.
Oh man, that sucks! Sorry.
Thanks. It just feels good to have it out there where someone somewhere can read it but doesn’t actually know me.
ughhhhhh
Do you have someplace else to stay while he gets his shit together?
Not really, no. I’ll figure something out if it comes to having the water shut off. I’m mostly concerned about the food.
Presumably you’ve been paying your portion, so I just hope you don’t end up bailing him out, mostly. Which is why my mind went to the next step of you getting out of there.
I pay my portion through working off rent while I’m unemployed. I’m loathe to leave because he’s disabled (he’s 62 so technically not yet elderly) and needs the help. I won’t be bailing him out with money, but I am going to try and help him find ways to pay off the bill.
Not sure if this is nationwide, but at least in MA, they will usually not require the full balance to prevent a shutoff, but the account holder does need to negotiate. So they’ll say at first that they need 100%, but if pressed they can, and I think are supposed to, accept down to 50% and put you on a payment plan for the remainder. And then if you ask to talk with a supervisor they’re allowed to go down as far as 25% required to prevent the shutoff.
If anyone in the house is elderly, or under 1 year old, or has a “serious illness” (which doesn’t have to be defined or connect directly to the need for utilities), you can get the account protected from shutoff, too.
This doesn’t address the deeper problem of roomie not paying to keep up the house, but maybe you can buy a little more time?
I do thank you for the ideas. I’ll have to see if some of the same sorts of things can be applied here since he is disabled.
The last time I lost electricity to the house, I called around, offering to bring my ice chest and pay someone to fill it with dry ice. I ended up talking to a woman who knew my neighborhood and sent a driver to *deliver* a big chunk of dry ice for *free*.
I am so sorry you have this awful surprise. Like Lauren, I’m hoping you can buy yourself some time until you can find a muuuuuch better housing situation.
Thanks. That’s a really good idea.
Edit: reply to mintmarshmallow in mental health thread page 2 of comments:
Do not worry about being too advice-y, you are being so incredibly helpful. I usually do everything — errands, food, housework — during my mania, but it was so short … that now I have things I have to do and I can’t seem to get my head around doing any of it.
And now you’ve given me other places to try, and I’ll get on it when my depression is over — my manic self will do exactly what you said and be all prepared.
I just heard from my daughter as well. She is in rehab for meth addiction, but she’s in despair because she thinks she may have bipolar disorder, just like me. She can’t come to see me because of her behavior so I have to see her. She wants me to bring both the Snickerdoodles and some pasta … ugh. But my master plan is to get her on The Toast website on Fridays, if this mental health thread is a Thing, so she can learn how to deal with her maybe-bp.
Told her I’d do my best to get out to see her, but … if I don’t she will understand .. but since she is in that state of despair, I really feel like I have to be a good bipolar mom and be there for her.
Soooo…thunderstorms cancelled our lacrosse game yesterday. Today as of the start of practice I was going to have to coach monday, our first game, ALONE. I had no idea what to do or how to call plays or timeouts or ANYTHING. So I was running around in a panic and thankfully the high school game got cancelled and my predecessor is coming back to train me on Monday during the game. Then, second game on Tuesday, and I should have at least one of my Kevins to help coach then.
My daughter is stressing about her brown belt test, to the point of crying in class yesterday (this kid has 2 big brothers. she never cries). Also, that was right after a counseling appointment for her AND on a “go to dad’s house” day, and my karate friends/parents told me this morning–right after I got the text from fuckface-the-ex that “Taidhgin’s not going to school today, her stomach hurts”. Hmm. He has a history of taking fridays off to “work at home”, and then letting the kids skip because he doesn’t want to drive them to school and can’t be bothered to wake up early to get them on the bus. So. Now I am wondering, is she really that upset that she is making herself sick? (this is how my eldest was when he was stressed). Or is she upset because counseling brought up something and I was busy coaching and wasn’t there for her and she didn’t get to process it before going to dad’s house? or both?
Luckily I got in touch with her today and sensei wants me to bring her to karate tomorrow during my normal tai chi time and let her get some reassurance and practice. She dissembled a little on the phone when I talked about her feeling sick, so hopefully she’ll let me know what really happened when I pick her up tomorrow. I suspect the idiot, he’s very good at manipulating them into thinking they decided on their own to do what works best for him.
Middle one still hasn’t broken up with girlfriend, he was sure the right thing to do was to do it face to face but now he’s chickening out. What do I suggest? Do I leave it alone or make him meet up with her or just coincidentally have some errand to run in her neighborhood and suggest he and she meet up for coffee??
I will talk about my feminist archaeology presentation for AAG in another post. Also, dance tonight, sci fi cosplay thing tomorrow and I’m probably going as Chelle from Portal or a gender-swapped Tenth doctor. and I’m late for the dance and still in LAX outfit.
If you’re comfortable with it, I’d love to see pics of whatever cosplay you end up going with!
well, the price was $55, so I’m not going. Bummer, because I had most of what I needed (and it was a good excuse to buy a new pair of converse).
Oh no! Wtf kind of event charges $55? Was it like a major con or something?
I guess you decided on Ten then? Do you already have a suit, or what was the plan?
No, it was some event hosted by the science museum downtown that costs $23 to get into just to go to the museum. Considering that I just turned down a chance to buy Morrisey concert tickets at $60, I was certainly not spending 55 on an event just to hang out with people I might want to get to know and make my buddy more comfortable (she decided not to go, either!)
I bought a suit years ago thrifting because it was perfect for Ten, but the pants were too big. I saved the jacket even though none of my kids wanted to be Doctor Who for halloween. Then a few months ago I found a matching tailored pinstripe dress, which I thought would make a perfect costume. I will borrow one of my kids’ sonic screwdrivers and wear the converse if I get the chance again.
That sounds perfect! I hope to see it someday. 🙂 Sorry this event didn’t work out.
If your boy can get transportation without your help, leave it alone until he invites your input. If he needs you for rides, yeah, make it easy for him to get face to face with the girl. But let him make his own mistakes. You are a good parent and you were leaning in this direction anyway. Just providing support for what you already know.
Your girl needs you to listen and I think you’re the kind of parent who will do that. I’m sorry she’s so upset. It must hurt like hell to see her like that. Your job is to engineer situations to her benefit, time for talking with you in the car or in the dark or wherever works for the two of you. You got this. It’s still gonna hurt, but you got this.
he isn’t driving yet, he’s only 14. I’ve already suggested that I’m around to support him on this.
We had a girls-only karate session today. Usually three of us (the only other karate mom, one younger sensei, and I ) do Tai Chi on Saturdays, but this time the head sensei came and invited my daughter as well. The other mom and my daughter T are belt testing soon, and we did three hours of drill work and encouragement basically centered on those two. I think T felt good about practicing, good about being in a small, adults-only class, and good about what sensei told her in regards to beating her nerves. Very positive day for her (and then I gave her back to her dad).
I replied to you but my post ended up down thread somewhere. Yikes.
AAG Chicago toasties! let’s make plans!!!
I will be there! Well, not in the conference, but tagging along to the conference!
Toast!! I am leading a good life at the moment! I am reading you all now while lounging in bed in my air bnb, and then I will start a new sock, in new beautiful soft blue wool, and watch some Leverage and then sleep (even after I had an unexpected nap this afternoon which was lovely) and tomorrow I go to a CLASS!! and it is with an online friend I have not ever seen face to face, even though we’ve mailed things back and forth over the last seven years (yikes!!!) and she is teaching us about using the colors of foraged things to dye paper (except I also brought fabric because that is my medium)
and then (I KNOW!!! THE WEEKEND HAPPINESS DOES NOT END!!!!) I find ANOTHER online friend I AHVE connecteed with before for supper, and after that (it just keeps going!) the night with my oldest fiend and after THAT (and breakfast with her) it is lunch and a quilt show close to home.
This is a nice piece of life, and it makes up for being pissed off at everyone and everything all last week.
Also I have revived my LJ after the massive nostalgia-fest, because I realized I like writing where I am moderately certain people will read it and comment on it. Some stuff I want feedback on. Some stuff I don’t – that goes in 750 words, and some stuff is public enough for my mother to read. We are all onions, with layers and layers of selves. So if you are also LJ-ing again, friend me! I’m dancing-crow there.
I want to be more like you. Keep rocking the textile arts.
Working the circ desk night shift!
Got a thermos of decaf and chocolate bar!
LET’S DO THIS
Are there Quaint, Quirky Characters dropping by to make witty remarks, or only Annoying Real People?
It’s a university library during finals week, so it’s pretty quiet… however there was one guy who wanted markers for a map he was making for a business class. Then when he came back to show me his work, which was a rather hastily drawn map of Europe with companies shown in various countries, I remarked that there was nothing in Norway. To which he replied, “Yeah, all they sell in Norway is viking hats.”
I remember thinking, when I worked at the law library, that those students were the worst procrastinators EVER. They all (this was pre-internet) were assigned the same cases to read a week ahead of time, and it was my job to copy-on-request the assigned pages for each individual student. Inevitably they all came 5 minutes before the class and then whined that I could only copy one case at a time (there was only one of me, after all). Then I would go shelve the books –most were very boring. I remember a Donald Trump biography and the new, “What color is your parachute” book (that should date me right there!)
I just read an essay about Archie comic books arguing that Betty is a psychopath. Discuss.
Whaaaaa? If anything Veronica is a sociopath and Archie is an unmitigated asshole who deserves neither of them.
The argument was based on her pursuit of Archie. Apparently there was a comic where he had amnesia and she convinced him he was in love with her, another one where she snuck up on girls and kissed them in hopes that Archie would put himself as bait to catch the “kissing bandit” so she could kiss him.
It did also talk about – how was it phrased – feminism did not reach Riverdale.
Why is it impossible to find wild strawberries? Because you must prove your worth before they appear at your feet. Preferably in a pristine meadow or along a trail up to the dunes. Only the pure at heart can see the berries.
I need sisterly advice! I am 26, and have dated very little. I recently moved to a new area where I don’t know anyone and have been upping my online dating game. “Upping” means I’ve gone on 5 whole dates in the last year, so… take that with a grain of salt. I realized after the fifth date which was earlier tonight that I have a great deal of anxiety about how to make things physical with men.
I have such a paucity of experience– I’ve had, er, “heavy petting” sessions with exactly three guys, two of which happened in college on drunken nights, and have never had sex. I’m not “saving myself” for anything, I have just never done it. The guy I went out with tonight is like my perfect match and I had a great time, but when he hugged me at the close of the date I felt panicked at the idea of kissing him or doing anything else with him– not just tonight, but ever. The last guy I went out with a couple months ago, same thing– I felt panicked at the idea of kissing. We didn’t see each other after the second date. I don’t want to have to get drunk to get physical the way I did on the two previous occasions in college. I feel like a freak for being a 26 yo virgin who is terrified of touching another human being for no discernable reason. Anyone have advice for how to get over this anxiety?
That was me at age 26. I didn’t really start dating at all until I was 25, and when I did I had such overwhelming anxiety about it that I would spend the entire day before the date terrified. And I could relax and enjoy myself while on the actual date, but like you I had terrible anxiety about anything physical, to the point where I straight-up could not tell if I was attracted to a guy or not, because the fear would drown out everything else.
My advice – and I know this isn’t what you want to do, but hear me out – is have a few drinks. Not enough to get drunk drunk, but enough that you can chill out enough to feel that pull of attraction if it’s there. If it’s not, there’s no point in working to overcome your fear; you’re not going to enjoy kissing the guy anyway. If it is there, it’s going to be a lot easier to kiss the guy, because you’ll actually want to kiss him. Getting somewhat drunk in order to get over first-date anxiety does not mean you are always going to have to drink in order to do anything physical.
Also, don’t get mad at yourself or think of yourself as a freak. You’re not going to overcome anxiety like this overnight, but you can overcome it; you just have to do it in stages, and be happy with yourself every time you make progress. Like, the fact that you’re going on these dates at all? That’s awesome in itself. Keep pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, and things will get better.
I’ve no advice, I’m afraid, but I hope it helps to remind you that you are not alone. http://captainawkward.com/2014/02/07/psa-for-the-…
Taiga, this made me smile and tear up at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Thanks for your reply Nausikaa. Such kind advice and somehow it helps to know I’m not alone! I totally feel you on not being able to tell if you’re attracted to the guy or not. As I said, I enjoyed myself, but I swear I don’t know even a little bit how I feel about him because I just get sucked into the fear.
I think you make a good point; a drink or two could get me out of my own head long enough for me to see what I feel, if anything. After a while I wouldn’t need the drinks because I’d know. I really appreciate the advice that I should be kinder to and more patient with myself as I try to overcome this.
oh gosh, it’s true that a few drinks or ecstasy might help, but I think that doing physical things in and of themselves will probably be really calming. Try some full-body hugs with the men in addition to/before kissing, if you can. We are mammals, kind of like puppies — we all respond really well to physical contact and especially skin-to-skin contact. You may have a lot of nerves *before* getting physical but hopefully getting physical, itself, will cure it. The crucial thing is to focus on your own physical sensations and on his physical reactions — be in the body — don’t let your mind or your inner commentator/critic get your attention. Just focus on sensations and responses. If you like the guy and trust him enough — just go with the flow. It sounds like getting over the hump of “getting started” is all you need to do.
About the wild strawberries.
They are not commercially available because they are so tiny that they are difficult to pick. That raises the price. And then they are tiny and the American preference is for large fruits. That limits the market and raises the price.
So you probably could buy them. But you would have to pay for them.
Enough to cover that 12″ pie illustrated would take about half an hour to pick.
But they are available. You just have to grow your own. And chase off the squirrels, birds, raccoons who will also eat them.
I grew them in my front yard at my old house. There were starts a the grocery store today, but we have deer in our town. There were four bucks on my lawn a couple of weeks ago.Which I am assured is not possible.
oh gosh, it's true that a few drinks or ecstasy might help, but I think that doing physical things in and of themselves will probably be really calming. Try some full-body hugs with the men in addition to/before kissing, if you can. We are mammals, kind of like puppies — we all respond really well to physical contact and especially skin-to-skin contact. You may have a lot of nerves *before* getting physical but hopefully getting physical, itself, will cure it. The crucial thing is to focus on your own physical sensations and on his physical reactions — be in the body — don't let your mind or your inner commentator/critic get your attention. Just focus on sensations and responses. If you like the guy and trust him enough — just go with the flow. It sounds like getting over the hump of "getting started" is all you need to do.
I have a professor I call Dr./Professor Satan that is killing everything I love about writing and literature. I only have 4 weeks left of the semester and I could really use some words of encouragement to make sure I continue to turn in assignments that will determine my grade.
Also have a creepy co-worker that keeps asking if I am married, and sharing with me that he likes “older” women. First creepy dude, it is totally ok for you to not talk to me at all. In fact I don’t think anything would please me more then you realizing I am avoiding you at every single opportunity. Second, yes I was married to a man…well men…3 of them so clearly I can not good at that because it turns out, I don’t actually dig dudes…at all. Third, please do not ask me any personal questions about anything at all or feel like you need to share any personal details about your life. I am perfectly ok with us being strangers that happen to work in a larger building and we never have time to chat.
Lastly, I was a guest poster on a blog for a textbook re-seller and it made me so happy and I shared the link with friends and was encouraged to keep sharing it. So I feel like…..I don’t suck…which is pretty damn fantastic in the world of writing.
Oh…this is actually the last part – This blog (its a blog right?) really made me ridiculously happy on just about every level.
She was AMAZING. I was talking to some people I know at the intermission, and we were all agreed that if we could afford it we'd be opera nomads following our favorite singers around the world. And she'd be one of the ones I'd follow anywhere.
I do thank you for the ideas. I'll have to see if some of the same sorts of things can be applied here since he is disabled.
I pay my portion through working off rent while I'm unemployed. I'm loathe to leave because he's disabled (he's 62 so technically not yet elderly) and needs the help. I won't be bailing him out with money, but I am going to try and help him find ways to pay off the bill.
Thanks. That's a really good idea.