EXT. NIGHT. The PROFESSOR’S hut. It is raining. GINGER stands outside the entrance, mascara running down her face. She has a machine gun for a leg or something. The PROFESSOR opens the door.
GINGER: I need another abortion.
THE PROFESSOR: Christ. Christ. Christ motherfucker.
She walks inside.
FLASHBACK to three years ago. Before the island. Before everything. EXT. DAY. A large, squat building with a sign out front that reads “FUCKED-UP ASYLUM FOR KILLER DOLLS.” Inside we see MARY ANN, wearing gingham Band-aids over her nipples and a bloody loincloth.
DOCTOR: It’s time for electroshock therapy, because you set your entire family on fire.
MARY ANN: I’m going to have a flashback-within-a-flashback about all the sexual violence I’ve ever experienced or witnessed first.
THE ISLAND. GILLIGAN stands outside of the hut, moaning and waving his bloody arm-stumps.
GILLIGAN: My hands…my hands…
THE SKIPPER is wearing an eyepatch and a silk dressing-gown. He puts out his cigar in Gilligan’s eye. It is raining.
THE SKIPPER: I used your hands to strangle your stripper girlfriend. The cops found your hands at the scene.
GINGER: Someone’s been murdering all the stripper girlfriends on the island.
THE PROFESSOR: We’re all going to die in a coconut prison.
MARY ANN struggles up the pathway. All of her limbs have been replaced with machine guns. She is wearing a chain of lizard teeth as a bra.
THE PROFESSOR: Christ. Christ motherfucker.
EXT. NIGHT. The edge of the tallest cliff on the island. MRS. HOWELL is slowly choking THURSTON HOWELL with a string of her pearls.
INT. NIGHT. The PROFESSOR’S hut. He is showing GINGER a series of inkblots tests.
GINGER: That’s a group of WWI-era German mobster girlfriends using their sexual wiles to defeat a group of misogynist samurai.
GINGER grinds a coconut shell into the PROFESSOR’s face. She slowly rises to her feet and performs a six-minute-long striptease to a Morrissey song as he bleeds out at her feet.
MARY ANN’s face has been replaced by a machine gun. Her entire body is now six machine guns affixed to a pair of breasts. She is wearing an inkblot.
THE PROFESSOR [gurgling through his own blood]: Christ motherfucker.
GILLIGAN [with coconut hands now]: This is so much more realistic.
Wait until you see what they do to Hogan’s Heroes. The jackboots, the prison showers, Bob Crane… well, basically just being Bob Crane.
Schultz saying he ‘sees nothing’ is real, bc he literally doesn’t have eyes in this reboot.
He identifies prisoners by smell, which leads to some amusing if improbable mishaps.
If Schultz doesn’t have eyes, he couldn’t get in the Luftwaffe (or the Wehrmacht, for that matter) in the first place.
“She slowly rises to her feet and performs a six-minute-long striptease to a Morrissey song as he bleeds out at her feet”
christ motherfucker
Oo! Oo! Is it “Everyday Is Like Sunday”? I hope it’s “Everyday Is Like Sunday.”
That’d be “Late Night, Maudlin Street”, right?
Primitive as can be.
Can we put The Skipper on one of those Rascal scooter things, and have the front basket of it just used as an ashtray? Coconuts for wheels of course.
Not far off from Russell Johnson’s role in “The Space Children”.
While some groups complained about the Gilligan’s Island reboot due to perceived misogyny and excessive violence, we must remind our viewers that this is just how things were back then.
You know, back in the ’60s. When everyone had machine gun limbs and lived on islands they could never escape from. Many of our more enlightened viewers have lauded our commitment to realism.
-HBO
That Elizabeth Moss has not won an Emmy for her committment to playing Peggy with historical accuracy, by actually surgically replacing her limbs with machine guns, is a travesty.
This is my favorite comment on this article, I would just like you to know.
Mine too. It’s perfect.
Something tells me that the Harlem Globetrotters are going to sit this one out.
.
He puts out his cigar in Gilligan’s eye.
Let’s be honest, no one who watched the original would mind seeing that happen.
“Well, it’s set in the far-future and is about psychic dragons fighting robowizards on spaceships made of galactic crystals.”
“SciFi and Fantasy are too genre-y for us. I think we’ll pass–”
“Every episode at least one woman is sexually assaulted and/or murdered.”
“Well, in that case we’ll give you a 22-episode order! Why didn’t you just say it was Realist fiction in the first place?”
I laugh so I don’t set things on fire.
I sincerely hope the theme song will now be performed by Marilyn Manson.
That would. be. perfect.
Anguished viewers write in: “Why can’t the Navy help those poor people trapped on that island with so few firearms?”
Remember that one episode where the planeload of Japanese schoolgirls infected by zombie rabies washed up on the island, and the Professor built a pimped-out Dodge Charger made of chainsaws out of coconut shells?
But why weren’t there more pregnancies on the island? They didn’t have any birth control! Where was the “very special episode” on that?!
Coconut diaphragms.
You think any of those men had the first idea of how to satisfy a woman? Ginger and MaryAnne gave up on the men a week in.
Really good point.
Is there a Femslash Friday about them? There should be.
Lovey taught them everything they know.
The pearls came in awfully handy.
Directed by Zack Snyder.
“What the fuck is wrong with him?”
“Goddamn it… he must have gotten into that latest batch of botanical alkaloids I cooked up. I’d been hoping to test it out on the girls.”
“Christ, look at his eyes, he’s tripping balls. What’s he saying now?”
“…We built a little spaceship… It was crude, but it could flyyyyy…”
Mallory’s been reading Sarah Kane, maybe! This is going to be a weird week.
Lovey taught them everything they know.
Wait. Is this not just a recap of regular Gilligan’s Island?
A recap of the original show would have to mention Dawn Wells using her harvest goddess powers.
I thought LOST was the gritty reboot of gilligan's island
He identifies prisoners by smell, which leads to some amusing if improbable mishaps.