Background reading here. Also, go look at the comments on Facebook, they’re even better, and we don’t bother deleting them! I think the white dude reaction to very gentle teasing about books I openly admit to owning as well speaks for itself, so I will not bother to add to it. I will say that I had not really meant to make much of a point about anything, just goofin’ on the books dudes tend to enjoy, but now I think I might have…accidentally made a point? A very threatening one, apparently!
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HONORABLE MENTION BECAUSE OKAY, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD BURN, PATRICE:
Tags: anger, beauty, comments, how can i be racist and sexist when i have a white husband riddle me that, lol men, misandry, rage, the internet, they slew all those mammoths for us but they cannot take some gentle ribbing, touchiness
Related Posts
no YOU were refreshing the homepage over and over at 1 pm
No, you’re right though, I absolutely was.
You two were not alone.
Excellent user name!
Hi hello hi. You are apparently my internet doppelganger and I wish to befriend you. I like food and also cats and am named Alicia.
yes. yes I was.
“MAYBE LITERALLY WASN’T THE RIGHT WORD.” Makes you think…
*crying laughing at that one*
don’t even have one stashed under my bed!!!
HELP WHAT IS SATIRE <flails>
Oh crap, did anybody remember to sign up for “you misused ‘literally'” in the Toastie drinking game?
I think so.
Hopefully that person had already declared they were playing with water. Even then, SO HYDRATED.
I got off easy, I only count two instances of female authors mentioned, both Ayn Rand. (High School Internalized Misogyny Me would have made a “Does she even count?” comment, feeling smugly superior while I did it.)
I got a “clickbait,” so dutifully gulping my seltzer. Bourbon later, when I re-read this joyous compendium.
I came up empty handed, but I am going to go ahead and pour one for the dudes in my AP English class, who certainly would have said something something canon. Perhaps young surly me schooled them so hard that they’ve all reconsidered their life choices? I’d like to think so.
There’s a Margaret Atwood in there somewhere too!
YOU’RE RIGHT. So, three.
Also, does the 50 Shades comment count, since it was written by a woman?
I checked, it was Hedwig.
That poor soul.
I was a little annoyed this fell in my week of not drinking, at first… but now I’m grateful, since all this tea will not have any dire consequences besides frequent bathroom visits. Totally worth it.
I didn’t see my word (“classic”) used but I’m chugging my doubleshot anyways!! wooo workday!
ETA: ok it was used 3 times, but in my defense, reading is hard when the only authors are white men
there is a classic in quotation marks – drink up!
I’d say the quotation marks warrant an extra shot!
It’s there!
I got that one (from a lady who is a delightful pendant) and an “is ANYTHING from the Toast even good?” (from an atheist hipster bro)
Also, several “this list is not nearly gay enough” (from several white gay male friends).
So.
YESSSS
I know I’ve dated/been dumped by a bunch of libarts dykes, so he’s not entirely wrong.
I would thumbs-up this comment, but it’s sitting at 69 right now and I’m not gonna be the one to mess that up.
Deeeelicious.
“This list is pretty disputable”
I see you are new here. Settle in, we like to dispute our lists all the time.
I’d say that, along with gentle misandry, disputing lists is our all-time top fun group activity.
Which makes Nicole’s original list and this one basically the best EVER Toast-fun-wise.
The amount of disputing from regular commenters was pretty great. Gentle disputing. Loving disputing.
And recognition of ourselves in the list, of course.
Higher or lower than disputing Mallory’s identification of musical instruments and fibre arts?
This one was my favorite. There’s something simultaneously aggressive and lazy about it, and I admire that.
This one is my very favorite!
There are SO MANY THOUGH.
I’ll take this opportunity to once again thank our lovely comment moderators, you’re doing the Lord’s work.
Is there a little part of your soul that wants to see the deleted comments from this post, and then the deleted comments from the post of those deleted comments, and on down into an infinite regression of mansplaining?
Or is that just me?
I want this so badly. The infinite spiral of mainsplaining comments would keep me young and beautiful forever.
I like you.
Was literally my first thought. “If this gets posted to FB, and turns up in the same internet garbage pits that the first one got posted to, maybe we will be able to do this forever.”
No, I was definitely thinking that as I was reading through this post.
And I thought this list was white male comment-proof because if they defended a book, they proved the point! I guess I forgot that if they didn’t feel the need to add their opinion, they wouldn’t be White Men.
“I don’t get this…I HAVE TO REGISTER MY CONFUSION POSTHASTE!”
“But I still understood Slaughterhouse-Five on a deeper level than you!”
If they didn’t feel the need to add their opinion of the list plus the perceived fuckability of the author, that is.
Yep! Yep!!! But, an “opinion” that is actually a disguised misogynistic insult, of course.
In related news, The Toast’s recent article has highlighted the true lack of Wah-mbulance services on the Internet, as all the available units were working overtime to accommodate the injured white male pride. The triage was brutal; many egos were left behind to fend for themselves. Some are still bruised.
This comment is golden. A++ would chortle with glee again.
the “where’s bukowski” dude is killing me
No one has ever missed a point with more drama than that guy missed the point.
That dude came so close and had a valid point about the omission of Tim O’Brien!
That exact comment would have totally been approved if he hadn’t gotten ugly toward the end. He clearly couldn’t stop himself and his emotions took over.
*shakes head sadly* men, they get so emotional and hysterical all the time.
I was explaining the medical procedure behind my hysterectomy to my 15 year old yesterday (they’re doing fetal development in biology) (also advocating abstinence until marriage, because it’s not 2015 AT ALL here in Texas), and he’s like ‘wait, hysterectomy & hysterical have the same root word?’ and I’m like, ‘yep’ and he’s like ‘wow. language is so sexist’ and then I told him to go to bed. I mean, I agreed, and then I told him to go to bed.
Anyway, that’s not relevant to this (though same son DID take this pile of books on his recent band beach trip) but the word hysterical made me think of it. Poor men.
Your son gives me hope for the future.
Well, I mean, look at his parents. We’re amazing. It’s really no wonder.
It’s those fragile parasympathetic nervous systems they have. Just can’t keep it under control, poor dears.
so close, yet so far.
Yeah totally. I thought Tim O’Brien was the most notable omission from that list. I know way too many assholes who believe that they finally learned to feel feelings because of that nonsense than I care to count.
Where’s Bukowski Guy is my fave!! I love his gentle not-swears– “goofy” list, “nutty chick.” Like a chihuahua trembling with rage!
exactly.
I am SO SO GLAD the comments are moderated on this site. Like, SO SO SO GLAD. I can’t even.
Can we all pitch in and get the moderators something nice for the holidays, the way parents do for elementary school teachers, as a thanks for schooling (man)children so that we don’t have to? Maybe a spa gift card, or a nice bourbon?
WORD. It reminds me why I used to read sites like Jezebel and now I JUST. CAN’T. The agita…
“WHITE MAN HERE”
Dude, the rest of your comment pretty much announces that, no need to be redundant.
that’s my favorite part, though!
I love when guys do that in Toast comments! I immediately know (a) they aren’t one of our regular, decent white men, and (b) I don’t have to keep reading.
I always feel confused when I see one of those comments…it’s like, you poor soul, how did you end up here? How did you lose your way so badly? They’re like Maurice stumbling into the Beast’s castle.
WHITE MAN HERE. I am lost; how do I escape? Nothing but misandry abounds. I am cast adrift, never to know the shores of being privileged again.
Sometimes I see “as a fellow man” or “as a dude commenter,” and I just want to scream at them (“nobody cares! why are you including this information? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”). But then I worry that I’ll look hysterical, so I don’t, because not wanting to Start Something is deeply ingrained.
I am pretty sure you are totally at liberty to be hysterical at “as a dude commenter” guy. Fire away. It’s fun.
Be warned, once you start, you may never stop.
I did enjoy when one of the other dude commenters did that for us.
Also, can we talk about how annoying it is when men apologize “on behalf of [their] gender”? No, stop that, don’t apologize to me, go yell at them. Cowering will not exempt you from the wrath to come.
yyyyyup. Dudes, if you are good dudes, trust in your goodness to shine through!
Yesssss. It makes me suddenly perceive phantom fedoras.
And it’s almost like a reminder of their power. “Well, as a man in this woman’s space, let me give you, a woman, this sudden responsibility for my feelings. BTW, I still earn more on average than you do.”
Also, we had an asshole man (with whom we have a business loan, which is annoying) come in to the store today to “check on [his] investment,” and he remarked the only two of us there at the time being women, “two women working alone. Anybody could come in, and you wouldn’t know until they’d gotten all the way to the counter back here.” Oh, ok, thanks for reminding us of our perceived vulnerability. Also, there are fireplace pokers literally everywhere in this store. Also, you can fuck right the hell off.
The moral of this story is that men are the worst.
Ugh.
Also, I’m imagining that you work in a place that sells (say) mutual funds or above-ground pools, and you just happen to randomly have a million fireplace pokers lying around. It’s more fun that way.
There’s also a display of fine Swedish axes, if that adds to the joy.
Gränsfors Bruk? They make a fine ax.
Wetterlings. If I could justify spending $80 on a hatchet, I would totally add their bushcraft hatchet to the display of sharp objects that lives next to my fireplace at home.
It does!!
But if we didn’t know you had a penis, how else would we know your opinion was more important than ours?
Can we start reacting the way they do when they see a girl in online gaming?
“I didn’t even know dudes knew about the Toast.”
“Haha, yeah, show us your dick!”
But then they would.
Evidence suggests men gladly share photograph of (allegedly theirs) genitals.
Even if they are ex-NSA and thus should know better.
Even if said genitals look like a dead newborn mouse.
I’m literally crying from laughing so hard at this.
So there’s “This is just the list of books that anyone who is marginally cultured/educated/literate has read,”
And then there’s “But I am a white man and I’ve read literally none of these books,”
But the real gems are the comments that say BOTH.
NO SHAKESPEARE?!?!
oh, buddy
EVERYTHING ELSE IS STAR WARS EXTENDED UNIVERSE NOVELS hahahaha
i mean
that one has to be self-aware joshing, right?
RIGHT?
That HAD to be a joke, right??? I mean. Right?
I think my favourite is “I only have ten of these, the rest of my books are Star Wars Extended Universe novels”.
Don’t forget political and social examinations of various historical periods.
(I really hope a political examination of one of my periods is someday worthy of a place on a white guy’s bookshelf.)
That was absolutely my favorite as well. <3 <3 <3
That one is a masterpiece, and rendered me speechless. I actually made a Tina Belcher “uhhh” sound aloud.
So cute that they think we don’t know what misandry is. SO ADORABLE. *squishes cheeks*
Thank you for bringing that gif into my life.
I was hoping someone would post this 🙂
I have a condescending boop on the nose for anyone who thinks I don’t know what that word means.
this is mostly unrelated but at a party last fall I was drinking out of my “world’s best misandrist” mug (to establish dominance over all other partygoers) and a white dude asked me what “misandrist” meant.
“Uh, it’s the opposite of a misogynist.”
“I don’t know what that word means either.”
that was my cue to fill my mug with whiskey and leave the party.
*puts misandry mug on shopping list*
men truly are the more delicate sex
Just astoundingly fragile. We really shouldn’t be letting them have any positions of power if this is all it takes to destabilize them.
We have a male president and people make fun of him ALL THE TIME, he really shouldn’t have his finger on the big red button!
feelings more fragile than an apple blossom in a hail storm
“Real White Man’s Bookcase” doesn’t contain quiche. More at eleven.
How did that not give me a BINGO???
I agree, I was very disappointed with my bingo card results as well. It was so close though!
I paid careful attention to keep the NICE TRY ones I knew for a fact were coming off the same line but yeah I’m surprised it never got to a bingo considering like 18 of the 25 squares are in here.
Wait, there’s a bingo game? For white male online responses?
it’s buried somewhere in the comments to the original list. i need it, too. someone plzzzzzzz help us!
EDIT: found it. it’s in the comments under Nicoles first reply to yesterday’s Link Roundup 😀
“A bunch of these are curriculum requirements in our compulsory education system. I just really don’t get what you were going for.”
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
OH, oh wow, you know, I only just got that, the whoosh I mean, and the blindness, and what it says and….everything. URGH, tbh I hate eye-opening moments like this. *firmly re-attaches rose-tinted glasses to face.* pfew, close call…
REQUIRED REQUIREMENTS IN OUR COMPULSORY REQUIRED EDUCATION SYSTEM THAT IS COMPULSORY.
Similarly, my favorite Facebook comment.
hahaha “books happen.”
In my case, they kind of do, though
‘books happen’ was pretty great.
Almost excused the inanity of the rest of the comment.
This gif made me ” ‘ ” literally ” ‘ ” laugh out loud. The pacing . . . the eye contact . . . just perfect.
I was filling out a Hurt Feelings Report and I’m not sure if “both” is what you’d choose for “which ear were the hurtful words spoken into” when you’ve only read the terrible, hurtful words…
WAS TOLD TO USE MY SLEEVE god is great
brb, printing that out and leaving a copy surreptitiously…
…nah, to heck with that, I’ll place it WITH GREAT FANFARE…
…next to the mailboxes, down the hall. YES.
“I didn’t get a hug”
priceless
Apparently Ron Swanson is real and making internet thingies.
My heart leapt when I saw that this had gone up! Also, I am HERE for any and all posts that use the tag “they slew all those mammoths for us but they cannot take some gentle ribbing.”
That tag is the best tag.
But to be fair, hunting the mammoths was probably pretty hard work. They’re probably all tuckered out and cranky…
They just need a graham cracker and a nap.
Oh! That just meant *generic* mammoth-slaying! I thought it was We Hunted The Mammoth getting a little dig in the ribs, and couldn’t understand why.
Oh, I love that site! It makes me too mad to read it regularly, but I would never dig at them.
but did they look under the bed?
As a white male-bodied genderqueer, I was horrified when I looked under my bed and found all of the books there, just as Nicole had suggested. Incredulous, I grabbed the nearest one and pulled it open.
To my relief, while the book jacket was for Malcom Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, the contents within was bell hooks’ Ain’t I a Woman. Exhausted, I fell to my knees and thanked God.
And, lo, a miracle was performed here, on this day, amidst the dusty confines of dinosaur’s under-bed-space. Some might proclaim that trickster dust bunnies substituted the texts, but DO NOT BELIEVE those naysayers, friends! Rejoice, rejoice, that the DudeBooks were expelled, and pray ye that God will see fit to enact Her Merciful Substitution far and wide across our blessed Earth.
Oh this is glorious, and I cannot choose a favourite! The one who presumably doesn’t know we moderate comments and thinks he’s the only special snowflake who doesn’t find it funny? The one who called Nicole a feminist and then asked her how she liked it when someone makes assumptions about her? The one who said we probably wouldn’t publish any negative comments?
I READ MORE MARGARET ATWOOD THAN ANYTHING ON THIS LIST YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID
Whether you liked Oryx and Crake better than Year of the Flood is actually a litmus test for me that serves to show whether I will like a person or not.
People liked Oryx and Crake better than any of the rest of them? Seriously? That’s the one about Jimmy, right? Did I miss something?
I like Oryx and Crake better than MaddAddam but Year of the Flood is obviously the strongest of the trilogy and I don’t see how anyone could argue otherwise…
(except that I can easily imagine some dudebro arguments about “why’d she have to bring female sexual politics into this, why’s it always gotta be about rape with these lady writers”)
My favorite is the one who suggested that we needed to look up the dictionary definition of “misandry”. Oh honey…
Not sure why, but “. . .and I know a lot of readers” makes me laugh the hardest.
Who else would he know? Scads of illiterate people? A lot of people who prefer audiobooks? Every qualification would only make him sound even funnier.
I don’t think he used “whomever” right in the next sentence? His readers aren’t really helping him
ALSO HOW DID SO MANY WHITE MEN FIND THIS SITE?!!?!?!?!?!
I bet they have a google alert, or their ears turn red when someone threatens the good name of white male.
or a siren so high-pitched and whiny that only they can hear it.
The Man-Signal!
If you stand in front of a mirror and say “Hemmingway” three times, a white man appears and mansplains to you why he’s evolutionarily better suited to scaring people than Bloody Mary.
That made me cackle like a hen.
THEY’VE FOUND US. Everyone, quickly and quietly proceed to your nearest exit and proceed to the evacuation site. This is no time for panic.
I can only speak for myself, but it was Mallory’s horrific rewrites of classic children’s books. Specifically the Giving Tree.
We’re everywhere. It’s terrible.
Dirtbag Hamlet. It really just…spoke to me, y’know?
Personally? The Western Art History articles.
Fredrik de Boer criticized the piece as lazy and hacky. (While praising Mallory Ortberg’s work and citing other Toast articles he thought were good.) Maybe some of his readers saw him saying that critique would be dismissed as “white male tears”, then decided to try and write the white-male-tearsiest things they could over here. I have no idea if the comments here are just nutpicking. It’s bad enough either way.
I really need to know whether or not “nutpicking” is a typo.
Also, he doesn’t seem to realize that our other editrix wrote this. DO ALL WOMEN LOOK THE SAME TO YOU?
“It’s just a literal list of books. Could such a thing be clever, funny, perceptive?”
Yes! Could you?
so is “catlady” with no space now an established identity/epithet/thing? in the parlance of the white man, your ideas intrigue me and i wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
also: my white man father died two weeks ago. i laughed at him re: this list anyway.
I assumed it was the more prim cousin to Catwoman. Always keeps her knees together and ankles crossed.
“no,” i whispered, looking deep into their eyes, seeing the miracle of another human soul for the first time. “no, you’re not like other boys, are you?”
bwahahahaa
The Bible is not on the list.
My humble favourite
This was one of my very favorites.
Came here to say exactly that.
Its even better in all caps. “The BIBLE is NOT on the LIST”
“what a surprise, a feminist is wrong again”
“WHITE MAN HERE SHOWING YOU HOW TO BE RIGHT”
HA! Thats the t-shirt they all think theyre wearing
“Excuse me, white man here, and I don’t know anyone who thinks they’re wearing a t-shirt.”
This was the best. I hate that person so much that I almost love them.
I love the way he wrote it so much! Two sentences, just simple periods. The flow is so disjointed and understated but then juxtaposed with the content?? I love it to pieces.
To which the only reply is: “what a surprise, a white man is being a jerk again”
I have card access to a room with a fancy embroidery machine here at work. I’m this close to going in there and stitching this onto a sampler for my home, just to look at every day for strength and amusement.
I think we need to commission some cross-stitch patterns
Tell me what to make! I just made “Big Hair, No Heart” I’ll try to remember to post a pic in open thread.
I don’t know if you’re serious, or what cross-stitch patterns go for these days on the open market (*wide, expansive gesture toward the ceiling*)… but in all seriousness, if you are willing to make a pattern (or finished pieces, even) that says “Damn it feels good to be a spinster,” I would be happy to PayPal you some moolah for your trouble!
I’m serious! I want to decorate a wall with a ton of feminist/misandrist arts and crafts so I’ve been building a mental file of things I want to make. “Damn it feels good to be a spinster” would be great! (Realistically I’m in the middle of a couple of other projects so it might be a really long time before I get to it.)
I WANT ALL OF THIS.
I’m mentally furnishing my craft room (in my house-to-be which is not built yet) and I have just realized I NEED a wall of misandry. In fact I might DIE without a wall of misandry.
The best wall of misandry is the wall you build in your heart.
One of my friends did a very pretty cross-stitch of “LET’S FUCK SHIT UP.” in just the prettiest scripty font. I was delighted.
I know I’m late to the party, but I just went and cross-stitched at a bar last night (there was an event, rather than me just bringing crafts to drinky-times), and I’m therefore halfway through a ‘SMASH THE PATRIARCHY’ cross-stitch. I wanted to make one that said ‘Give me intersectional feminism or give me death’ but I haven’t had the time to sit down and design it yet.
I would definitely be down for ‘Damn it feels good to be a spinster’.
But also there are a bunch of patterns out there for “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta” that would be easily adaptable.
I could also help you with this! I’ve been cross-stitching (and transforming others’ patterns) for 20+ years now. How much stitching experience do you have?
Well… none, actually. My grandma is boss at it but I never learned. But I love learning new little finger-fiddly hobbies.
I’m really bad at counted cross stitch (although I haven’t tried in probably 15 years), but I do ok with with stamped/printed embroidery, or embroidery with applique.
I am STILL stuck on:
big old
witch bird
from the Dirtbag Arthur Miller post.
Sometimes I just whisper it to myself when I’m alone.
It will never cease to amaze me that so many men think it’s necessary to share their opinion on an article or website that clearly wasn’t targeted towards their readership, and whose jokes they clearly didn’t get. Wow.
How did they even get to the article?
I am trying to imagine going through the world thinking that I have to say everything that pops into my head about something even if it doesn’t involve me or I have to interrupt an established conversation to do it. I can’t imagine feeling that entitled, and yet, men constantly shout things at women/groups of women, come to articles like this specifically to say they don’t get it, and comment on youtube posts.
I am trying to imagine going through the world thinking that I have to say everything that pops into my head about something even if it doesn’t involve me or I have to interrupt an established conversation to do it.
One of my coworkers is like that – it’s like she can’t bear to go 5 minutes without hearing the sound of her own voice. I don’t get it either. I don’t understand wanting to be constantly blurting out all my stupid, inconsequential thoughts. How hard is it to just keep your mouth shut?
Which is what I really love about the comment moderation…I just like to think of them furiously commenting and then…deleted. Sorry dude, it’s almost as if your opinion never existed.
“it’s almost as if your opinion never existed.”
the deepest cut of all!
*the deepest cut of all(?)
hahaha thank you; this meme is still so funny to me.
I tried to make this joke at Mallory when I met her. I got cut off in traffic by someone with an “AYNRND” vanity plate and I thought of her, and tried to do a “and I thought of you, which is maybe the greatest compliment of all(?)” thing but naturally I fucked it up.
and you have to, like, make up a username. And type. And make some sort of effort. JUST WHY.
It’s like the people who leave yelp reviews of places they’ve never been to or wanted to use the services of. (There are so many of these! Why?? All over the reviews of my favourite fabric store all “Uh, well, I went in here with my sister…uh, I don’t use fabric or anything, but I guess it had some? And was fine? 3 stars.”)
It’s like going to a Men’s Rights site and whining that they don’t cater to feminists. I stay away from sites that I would find either boring or blood pressure increasing so the sense of entitlement it takes to come here and then bitch about how it doesn’t meet the ego-stroking needs of a bunch of dudes is just off the charts.
Nicole, is this classified under ‘Beauty’ in the Canadian usage sense?
Am Canadian, can confirm. She’s a beaut.
My favorite comment starts with, “Is this meant to be a joke?” Yes. Because this is a humor site.
White men just dont UNDERSTAND humor
Men just aren’t funny, i’m not being sexist, it’s just evolutionary psychology. they never had to attract mates with their intelligence and sense of humor because women just wanted someone who could hunt mammoths for them. sorry to play devil’s advocate but it’s just science!
Please allow me to quote you on this for the rest of my days.
Jesse Thorn agrees with you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH9Et487uXY&f…
“I’m a white male, and I own literally none of this books.” So, so beautiful.
“I’m a white man, and I’ve never owned anything.”
I subsist on manna, and clothe myself in privilege. It is a hard road I walk.
My favourite so far is “where’s Tom Wolfe”, he was definitely on there (unless the commenter meant the Look Homeward, Angel fellow?)
I own both of these books and enjoyed the one with Bruce Willis on the cover a lot more.
My white male ex-boyfriend owned a copy of “Look Homeward, Angel”…because he mistakenly thought it was written by the other Tom Wolfe, author of “Bonfire of the Vanities,” which he also owned. He had never read either novel, or anything at all by either author.
Fellas, there’s the door. Go! And take your copies of Naked Lunch with you!
The pride these men take in having never read any of these books is going to keep me giggling all day. “I DON’T HAVE ANY OF THESE BOOKS! DON’T STEREOTYPE ME AS BEING ABLE TO READ!” I know honey, shhhhhh.
I just love that the original article had absolutely nothing about shaming anyone about these books, and yet SOMEHOW everyone is reading “You should be ashamed of these books” into it…
(Also, the commenter who was offended that no research was done for the list)
“White men” kind of has a pejorative (or at least “gentl[y] ribbing”) ring to it around here. A little. Sometimes. Just a bit.
“Look up misandry.” “Who is this nutty chick?” Ok, my day is made.
This is going to be posted to the Toast’s Facebook page too, right?!
It’s recursive!!!
I didn’t even consider that until this moment, and now I am filled with joy.
I am really actually disappointed at the lack of Men with Opinions commenting on the Facebook post 2.0.
I didn’t read carefully enough the first time and thought the second comment was a response to the first (despite this not being possible because… deleted… comments…) and that they wanted to burn men. Oh dear.
Also, CIS Lewis?
CIS Lewis is the straight male version.
i believe it’s the Lewis who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.
I mis-read that as “CSI: Lewis” and had a very enjoyable moment thinking about a crime scene investigation show set in Narnia.
Yes! I would watch that show.
OMG, yes please.
That would be awesome! I would watch the heck out of that show.
Surely there must be fanfic?
As opposed to gender fluid Lewis. Possibly dressed up as Jadis.
Genderfluid Lewis is the Lewis the world needs, now more than ever. Why can’t we have a 20th century Anglican lay theologian / Oxbridge philologist / beloved children’s writer who comfortably but firmly rejects the gender binary, dressing sometimes as Jadis, or her sister, or Orual from Till We Have Faces? And prepares popular lectures explaining what’s wrongheaded about the idea of the “head of the household” and the husband : wife :: Christ : Church analogy? And writes articles in Time and Tide about how Christian marriage can only truly call itself Christian if it is available to same-sex couples? All while smoking a cigar, surrounded by the copiously annotated works of George MacDonald, in a cozy wood-paneled study?
I want this Lewis.
Dear Madam,
Having seen your advertisement in The Toast, I wish to apply for the above position.
Respectfully,
Lass
I can write about the wrongheadedness and theological mistakes of Ephesians 5 until the cows come home. I probably will be arguing about how marriage can only be Christian if it includes same sex couples in two weeks at Annual Conference (please pray for me if you pray). I don’t know how well I fit the bill on other things, though I do have my own study full of theology books and smoke a cigar on occasion.
I’m not totally sure “I’m a white man, and I haven’t read ANY OF THESE” is a retort that makes one come off particularly well.
“I’m a white man, and I only read BEER CANS and LEAGUE OF LEGENDS FANFIC, so, uh, your use of ‘literally’ here is incorrect?”
Yeah well I CAN’T EVEN READ, I AM AN ACTUAL TODDLER shows what you know
I’m a white man and I haven’t read any of these!
I also haven’t ever left the woods
I also eat only fish and berries
update I may actually be a grizzly bear
What a way to find out you were a bear all along!
“I bet you won’t even publish a single critical comment”
Or then again…
Nicole really upped the ante with that one.
How much? How much do you bet? Can I see the cold hard cash you’re putting on the line? gleeful hand rubbing
“Who probably doesn’t see too many second dates” – bwahahahaha, wow dude, SICK BURN against a woman who’s married with two kids. You’re right, she probably isn’t going on too many second dates these days.
hahaha yes I saw that and was like, “This is probably a true statement about Nicole, at least recently.”
lol I know right? Good for you, lil’ buddy, you got one thing right!
something about broken watches or something.
Possibly the single best thing about being married is not having to go on second dates anymore. That and he does the laundry.
Oh man, someone wrote CIS Lewis and now I’m thinking of what CSI: Lewis would look like as a TV show.
YES! That was my first association, too. And now I’m thinking of the excellent British show “Lewis” (it’s set in Oxford!).
I’ll watch it, but only if Tolkien guest stars.
He’s a Roman Catholic. He’s a Christian Apologist. Together they solve crime.
THIS. I need this in my life, especially if it features occasional appearances from the rest of the Inklings, and perhaps Dorothy Sayers and Virginia Woolf coming by now and then and leaving everyone green with envy at their perfection.
I feel like the Bloomsbury Group would be their own separate show and every now and then they have a crossover episode where everyone gets all stroppy with each other.
YES. Done. Let us begin production of these shows immediately.
this is a thing that I would happily give my money to…
This here is the comment that finally made me snort hot mint tea out of my nose. Well done.
The show would be great and the slash fanfiction would be great too!
This would be like if the CSI gang took a trip to Oxford, right?
“Wow, you guys lose a lot of people here to murder, in Oxford.”
“You’re bloody right. It’s a mess most of the time, and if it isn’t a mess there’s about to be one. Here, let’s go grab a pint.”
Make it so. Direct me to your kickstarter. Whatever it takes.
Just send me to the UK, and I’ll change my nationality and submit the whole thing directly to the BBC. They’ll have this done in like 4 months.
Lewis: What the devil is that?
CSI Guy: It’s a laser-guided spectromter.
Lewis: [with that Lewis-face, you know the one he always makes] What’s it FOR?
CSI Guy: We can tell what kind of soil is under his body this way.
Lewis: [hands in pockets, firmly] Why can’t you just bloody roll him over?
CSI Guy: Well, we have the spectrometer. And a laser.
[music plays as Lewis walks back to his car, hands still in pockets]
DS Hathaway: [shoots a wry but not apologetic look at CSI Guy, follows Lewis to car]
Hathaway. More like, “Hathaway-to my pants”!
UGGGGGGGGHHHHH
I second that UGGGGGHHHHH.
James Fox reproduced well. (My 1960s James Fox obsession is both embarrassing and incredibly long-lived. Only the love of similarly vintage Omar Sharif surpasses it.)
yup
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH 👉🏻👌🏼
Heyo!!
Every time he shows up in another show or movie I yell “It’s ‘the dishy Sgt. Hathaway!'” at my screen.
i’m so glad this is here.
I would watch so much of this. Esp. if Hathaway gets to spend all his time translating the tech-speak to Lewis-speak and then back again.
God what fun that would be!
If you’ve ever watched Inspector Morse and Inspector Lewis, you will remember that there are many, many murders in Oxford. There are plenty for CSI Lewis and Tolkien to investigate.
In my ideal world, it would be a lot of beautiful people standing around an immaculate, high-tech forensics lab and discussing medieval courtly love, allegory, and how they all came back to religion after university.
Can we shoehorn just one Marsh-wiggle in there?
Of course, the Marsh-wiggle is the one in the corner wearing designer jeans and going BLEEP BLEEP BLORP on a sophisticated computer console.
#downwithcislewis
I may be wildly missing the point, but imagining a crossover of CSI and Lewis is going to keep me occupied for about 7 hours. Although CSI: Morse would probably be even better.
I personally would be 100% more fond of a crossover with Lewis than I would with C.S. Lewis….but it kinda works either way.
We were watching Morse last night on Netflix. I have to say I would watch either of these shows. You are my people!
CSI: Morse had better just be Max being grumpy at everyone for two hours a week.
I’m imagining CIS Lewis as a member of the team that never won a gold medal on Global Guts.
oh, thank god, i’m not the only person who misread that and had the EXACT SAME THOUGHT.
“The trees have ears… but can they help solve this heinous murder?”
We pretty much all are.
The original article got posted on a subreddit somewhere and they’re still over there frothing in their own rage I’m sure.
MORE EVIDENCE…THE EXTINCTION OF WHITE MALE CULTURE….OPPRESSION….HOW DARE WOMEN
OH MY GOD, I CAN’T LISTEN TO MEN WHEN THEY GET ALL EMOTIONAL LIKE THIS.
#WINNER
They’re so cute when they’re angry.
If only.
I also vote this for winner.
Are they trying to use “catlady” as an insult? That’s … actually kind of adorable in a pathetic way. I’d say we should reclaim that term, except we already own it.
Now I want a t-shirt with CATLADY printed underneath a picture of a cat.
“pissy catlady blog”
Where was this guy when they were naming the site??!
When I got to “pissy catlady” I thought, yes, that is actually a pretty good description of me and I am 100% okay with that. What else you got, bro?
My secret weapon is the amount of cat hair on everything I own, making many people sneeze in my presence. Do not assume I am defenseless. Also, I am statistically likely to live longer because of my cats. Science!
I’m totally a catlady and just waiting for my husband to die (he’s older than me, so…) so I can fill the house with cats and I’m not even ashamed.
Cats are better company than most men, and they shit/puke/piss where they shouldn’t a whole lot less.
“how can i be racist and sexist when i have a white husband riddle me that”
Thank you Nicole, I look forward to seeing so much content under this tag that it makes it to the top nav.
Also my favorite!
Also, really enjoying all the white guys who feel the need to inform all of us exactly how many of the books on the list they actually own/have read, and how that apparently invalidates the entire thing, because naturally Nicole couldn’t have been using the word “literally” in any way other than the literal (ha) meaning of the word. They sure showed her!
So focused on ‘literally’ they completely missed the location of the word ‘all.’
How are my fellow white dudes this sensitive? I really, really don’t understand this.
I also don’t understand how literally all of these dudes complaining about the use of “literally” have literally never heard of hyperbole once in their lives.
I know! Clearly I am the target audience even though I’m a white guy, but even if I weren’t, it’s a list of books. Like, this isn’t in the top 20 of scathing articles about white men on this site this year!
I demand that “2015’s TOP 20 SCATHING ARTICLES ABOUT WHITE MEN ON THE-TOAST” be tomorrow’s post.
It should have the names of articles that haven’t been written yet, so we have goals and something to look forward to in the rest of 2015.
the stalwart Guardians Of English never seem to have enough familiarity with linguistics to work out that dictionaries are descriptive documents, not prescriptive, so something high-level like not taking literally literally may be a bit much to ask
I particularly love how they all seem to assume Nicole was trying to use “literally” correctly and failed.
You really aren’t like the other dudes, are you? *flutter flutter*
A+ Sad Doctor gif usage.
That was so perfect. <3
I was actually considering using that one in the comments of this morning’s link roundup. Glad I didn’t.
Also, since I cant quit this thread, Gawker has a piece up on an Asian American sci fi writer and posted his award-winning short story which blended magical elements with his complicated relationship with his Mom. The 1st comment is “Its fine, but I DONT KNOW WHY IT WON ANY AWARDS, just because he’s asian and its sentimental. Its not like its Lovecraft.”
… and my eyes roll off of my face and onto the floor
Commenting “It’s not like it’s Lovecraft” on any short story virtually guarantees that it will, in fact, be so much better than Lovecraft.
Yeah, that’s the kind of comment that’s basically guaranteed to make me go find & read that short story, so good job, bro.
After meeting told for years how great Lovecraft was I finally read it and wow, yeah being compared to Lovecraft is not a compliment.
I’ve no doubt we were all writing better prose by Grade 1, tbh.
Gawker is a leaking latrine in the middle of summer.
Hey, do you think we can see some deleted comments for this post, too?!
I am really interested in watching this spiral throughout the rest of human existence.
ETA: I’m not being sarcastic! I would love it!
WHITEMALETEARSCEPTION
um actually “inception” refers to [REDACTED DUE TO NOBODY CARING] just fyi???? thanks for your time…
I just burst out laughing in my cube.
A+ use of “um actually”
You describe a beautiful future. We must keep this going forever, a picture, within a picture, within a picture, of joyful misandry.
I….may have just done a desk doodle about how I expect this to play out.
This is the greatest thing I have ever seen.
<3 I’m really quite proud of it! Now where are our environmental engineer commenters, we can’t have those things leaching into the groundwater…
We just need to make sure that there’s some kind of tear catching tank or vessel of some kind, double-walled and probably within secondary containment. We can run the tears through GAC before discharging to the ground surface. The carbon will probably have to be changed out yearly, and we’ll need a discharge permit, but should be doable.
There’s a toastie for every occasion!
Agreed!
LITERALLY????
I bow to your vast and immutable prescience.
They… they should have sent a poet.
Preferably of the white male variety, as that water wheel ain’t gonna turn itself, ya know?
This is the sustainable energy revolution I didn’t know I always wanted, bless you.
Can we get some Toast gear? I would 100% buy this on a tote.
YES, a tote would be PERFECT.
yessss, could totally redraw this to be…like…legible and not in highlighter.
I would love The Toast to open up a reader craft section… like Etsy but ALL MISANDRY. I bet there’s a bigger market than we all think there is.
I would love that as a tote…
I second this! (I am not crafty, but am very willing to throw money at you gals who are).
Oh, so THAT’S why tech industries employ so many white men! Their servers would power down otherwise.
The facial hair really makes it for me. Sustainable!
That’s a Nobel prize right there. Not only have you solved the energy crisis, you’ve invented the perpetual motion machine.
Who knew white men could be so useful??
This is all kinds of magical.
GLOBAL WARMING = SOLVED
Also a solution to the three-body problem!
I am literally (yes, literally goddammit) crying with laughter at work. I don’t even care who hears me.
I think you’ve cracked not just the key to powering the Toast’s servers but possibly also the renewable energy crisis!!!!
it’s male tears all the way down.
I once went to a neighborhood group meeting and the big issue was that someone had been stealing lawn ornaments and I mean, these ladies were pissed. Pissed! I spent the entire time looking down, trying to cover my enormous smile. I’ve never stolen a lawn ornament, but goddammit. This feels kind of like that, like what teenage dirtbags feel on the regular. Teenage dirtbags unite!
Did Jess live in your town?
Nicole, please take a lesson from Murray and the boys.
Crying right now.
BTW, I think this is my favorite set of tags on any Toast post. (Especially the one about mammoth-slaying).
“Poor thing, you know little of men.”
NO. THE OPPOSITE OF THIS.
“Oh, revered Misandrist, you have wandered so far in life without the weight of knowledge of inconsistent Men. Many are your blessings, few are your troubles.”
Alternatively, “poor thing, you know much of men.”
“they slew all those mammoths for us but they cannot take some gentle ribbing” – Nicole, your tags are the best!
God, white men are so thin skinned. And of course they have a right not to be offended. We should all be ashamed of ourselves. Let’s look up misandry together.
“I bet you won’t even publish a single critical comment because you know it’s true and would hurt your ad revenue”
*giggles hysterically, falls off chair*
I love the idea that a company advertising with the toast would see a critical comment and just immediately withdraw funding. “Oh, one white dude doesn’t like this? SHUT IT DOWN.”
I hope that Nicole and Mallory do a countdown whenever they post something like this: WHITE MALE FRAGILITY IN 3, 2, 1….SUBMIT!
I feel like it must be a surprise every time. Like “haha, here is the mildest joke, a lot of white guys have predictable taste in books, haha”. And then there is an avalanche of rage and hurt.
Also, the one who ended with “I didn’t really like Lord of the Rings” is just a Toastie straight-up TROLLING Nicole, right? If so, well played.
We really should have had a “comments condescendingly addressed to Nicole by name” on the bingo sheet.
And what fools we were to leave out “Nicole’s undesirability as a sex object”!
We were giving white men way too much credit. We won’t make that mistake again.
Fool me once.
It was right in front of our faces, as well! Too obvious. We couldn’t see the trees for the forest, or something.
A+ gif usage Nicole, A+.
How do I sign up for this racket?
Oh you precious flower.
I want to moisturize my face with these comments. Refreshing!
Is there a best deleted comments for the pegging article? Cause I wanna read that.
VERY YES. I’ve been wanting one since it came out.
I am dying for it.
I’d give money for that. Not like a lot, but like loose change or something.
haha “C.I.S. Lewis” also,
I misread that as “C.S.I. Lewis” and I want the world to produce that TV show.
I want to gather them all in sour, grumpy room, and then climb up on stage, and yell at the top of my voice:
“AT WHAT POINT DOES SEX HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS? LOOKING AT YOU, Mr. ‘Portnoy’s Complaint is okay I guess if you know nothing about sex,” AND YOU, Mr. “bet you don’t go on any second dates.”
Gee, I was just unaware my dating history informed my taste in literature, nay, even my eyes to see what other people are reading, SO MUCH.
“The Bible is not on the list.”
“A Feminist is wrong again.”
“For what it’s worth I only have about ten of these books, everything else is Star Wars extended universe novels.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[deep breath]
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
The Toast once again makes my goddamn day.
Are we sure the one with the extended universe reference isn’t Mallory trolling us?
…..it could genuinely go either way, oh my god. [casts a gimlet eye in her direction]
I feel like Mallory would have correctly called it the expanded universe, even posting anonymously in Sad White Man guise.
I think she could fit that in with her textile arts-trolling.
“Beauty”, indeed.
“I’m so glad there are so many smart women out there putting these white men in their place!”
This guys comment gets so hysterical, I am literally positive that by the time he finished typing it he was screaming at the sky, weeping into his dogeared copy of “On The Road”, and jerking off all at once.
well yeah but that’s just Tuesday for some of us
such adorable tiny babies
GUYS GUYS Nicole’s piece is showing up in sensitive white male blogs and it’s the greatest. I mean:
Now comes the stock response: white male tears! You dislike the piece because you’re implicated by it! You’re insulted! Well, I’m insulted all right, but it’s not because I feel affronted as a white dude. I’m insulted because an adult got paid to rifle through some Wikipedia list of best sellers and throw it on a Word doc. I wish I was affronted politically or personally, because that would imply that there’s something actually interesting going on in this list. There’s many more subversive ways to try something like this. For example: a more honest version of this list would have to include Toni Morrison’s Beloved and Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart.
(Thanks to Shrill for calling this out on Twitter.)
WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT IF YOU AREN’T AFFRONTED
(That’s my question for that Sensitive White Male.)
What Is The Point Of this blog post?
The insistence that he’s not personally affronted trolollololo!
oh my god, can we call Nicole “Clever Internet Moses” FOREVER NOW?
edit: Context for above: “The Toast publishes some smart, funny, perceptive stuff. And it publishes some lazy garbage like the above. The problem is that there’s no incentive for them to put in the effort to do the former rather than the latter because their fans celebrate every piece they run as if Clever Internet Moses has just handed down the next clay tablets to the people, no matter how good or bad it is.”
AHAHAHAHA because he gets to decide which is funny and which isn’t how DARE a site run something that ISN’T SERIOUS.
“This site publishes things its readers like, which is terrible!”
“the problem is…” there’s a problem gals, did you know there’s a problem EGADS A PROBLEM.
If I were Nicole I would put that on my business cards.
hey hey hey… WHITE MEN (TM) did not give Nicole THE PERMISSION to make fun of things they dont understand or agree w!
I sincerely wish that someday, someone will call me Clever Internet Moses.
Said with enough sincerity, reader, I would marry him.
HE’S WORRIED ABOUT US
DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THAT WARMTH OF FINALLY
FINALLY
BEING CARED FOR BY A MAN
NO NO
A GENTLEMAN
i hereby renounce thee, demagogues and harridans
farewell
LAST OF THE TRUE “NICE GUYS”
we are in the presence of GREATNESS
It’s like I wouldn’t even have SEEN what the problem was until I READ THIS.
*weeps tears of joy*
such such clarity
If we’re lucky he won’t move and he’ll keep talking while I casually reach for the lute
just because I need to sing a song about how much sense he makes.
Demagogues and Harridans is going to be the name of my tell-all book when I finally shuck off the chains of feminism and take my rightful place as subordinate according to White Jesus’ Plan. It will sell tens of copies, just you wait and see!
BLUESTOCKINGS 4 LYFE
Omg. I don’t think I have the strength right now to click on the link AND hold back my laughter. Damn being in a public place right now. Damn it to heck.
SAME
I’m smiling so much at my desk, one of my coworkers just stopped by and commented, ‘You’re looking so pleasant today, [gripyfish]!’
I came very close to serenely informing him that laughing at white men is a great and glorious cause for pleasantness.
It gets me through so much.
Poor Nicole gets no credit in that post though. It’s all Ortberg this and Ortberg that.
I never realized that in enjoying Mallory’s work, I thought I was committing a “meaningful political act.” So glad he’s here to tell me these Very Important Things.
Well heck, I guess I can give up on voting and just read The Toast then like a good little woman. Voting and reading might be too many meaningful political acts for my feeble little body/brain. Thank you Sensitive White Male for making my life easier.
THANK YOU. I am the one! I am the one bringing down the movement with my garbage! ME.
You are the Clever Internet Moses we all deserve.
And we respect you for it.
I’m sorry, I think that many Internet Men believe that you and Mallory are the same person, interchangeable, and that you are writing to appease a vast, adoring audience of fake feminist men.
hahahahahaha oh man Freddie deBoer. Classic “here far too many words about a list put together in 30 minutes and vague critiques of Ortberg with the requisite claim he is not ALLOWED to criticize as he self-refutes himself by critiquing her.”
I don’t get these jokes so here’s 10,000 words on it.
It looks like he’s critiquing Ortberg, but he’s not good enough at reading bylines to actually do it. He links to three articles, praising Mallory’s and bashing this one by Nicole and another by Lindsay King-Miller.
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNORTBERG.
His addendum is gorgeous. “Since WOMEN keep HARPING ON how I am GETTING FACTS ALL WRONG, let me double down by explaining at length why I will not correct the article’s attribution!”
oh man, time to go back and read the addendum!
From his update;
“But that kind of site attracts followers who have a hard time separating their vague cultural affiliations from their politics, and it leads to deep sensitivity about criticism of their favorites.”
DEAD
I think he’s confused about who, exactly is showing deep sensitivity about criticism of their favorites.
My favorite part of this is “an adult got paid”
Bro! She paid HERSELF! It goes all the way to the top!
Follow the money!!!
WAKE UP SHEEPLE
[trying this again] ahahahahahahaha OMG it’s Freddie DeBo(n)er of Tiger Beatdown [BONER] fame!!! And here I thought this couldn’t get any better – how wrong I was. What a persistent lil’ goober!
*gasp* It’s <BONER>Boy?! I feel like I’ve found my long-lost idiot little brother.
Joy, Joy, Joy, tears of joy.
I know, I was so delighted to see him resurface again!
Ugh, I should’ve said rise again. Boner joke opportunity wasted.
Oh god links please
I am so glad to be able to bring this joy into your life: http://tigerbeatdown.com/2010/04/09/why-tiger-bea… The article and the comment section are both things of pure beauty and brilliance. Sady Doyle 4ever
oh my GOD this is amazing.
I saw Sady Doyle and Jay Smooth on a panel at sxsw a few years back and it was everything I ever wanted in life.
Ooooh that was delightful. 😀 *settles in with a couple of Cokes to catch up on an entire blog*
Tiger Beatdown is amazing, it will be time well spent 🙂
I am in tears.
THAT’S why that name sounded familiar! Oh my gourd, Mr. BONERS himself. And he’s STILL TALKING, as if anyone cares.
Still trying to get us to care about his sad, sad boners.
Toni Morrison! Who called it? I remember that someone did, so there’s presumably a Toastie out there taking a shot RIGHT NOW, hopefully sending him the bar tab
YESSSSSSSSSSS ANGRY FREDDY DEBOER LOLOLOLOL
i can’t decide whether the selfie in the sidebar is perfect context for this or tipping its hand as satire
“The pressure to avoid criticizing current progressive practice is intense. ”
Yes… that’s a thing…..?
??
“Like I said, I like a lot of The Toast’s stuff”
shit, guys, I think we’re doing it wrong.
My sides hurt. Can’t breathe. Thank you so much.
wow…. so many words. SO MANY WORDS
“Poor thing, you know little of men. Look up misandry. Get a clue.”
Little do they know that Nicole is one of the Internet’s foremost experts in misandry.
Me either – it’s honestly baffling to me. Or that they have to share their opinion on things they know next to nothing about. I honestly cannot imagine living in the world with that mindset. Privilege is a hell of a thing.
This reminds me — i need to order the MALE TEARS mug from amazon.
Submitted at 10:20 is SO CLOSE. C’mon buddy, you can make it OOOOHHHH veered into outrage. Too bad, maybe tomorrow.
Can’t wait for the Favorite Deleted Comments to the Favorite Deleted Comments fromthe White Dude Book List.
C.I.S. Lewis – as opposed to T.R.A.N.S. Lewis, or that guy who wrote thinly veiled allegories about database management?
it’s the guy who writes offbrand Belarussian knockoffs where Aslan is a metaphor for Stalin
Good lord, it just keeps going and going and going and going.
lol, so much butthurt
I had no idea “cat ladies” were so threatening to men. I may have to re-evaluate my pet ownership habits.
Men, at least you get dadbods and bad opinions, stop complaining
My cup overfloweth!
I neeeeeeeeed that mug.
Ahhhh, I have been waiting for this all morning and am not disappointed!
I showed the book list to my husband and told him I was more of a man than he was. He said that was undisputed. Does that mean I have to get him a cat? Because I’m allergic and also I think my dog might kill it.
“lazy tripe”
I’m going to assume he was trying to use the word trope here but just couldn’t quite stick the landing.
Unless he’s implying that cow stomachs do no work?
In the uk it can mean ‘rubbish,’ ‘crap’ etc probably because nobody ever in europes long history of taking gross parts of animals and transmogrifying them into tasty foods through cooking/curing has ever ever made tripe taste good. it tastes like wet dog smells.
In all seriousness, I will never understand people who enjoy being angry. Because people who DON’T enjoy being angry don’t typically take the time to post a comment. They mostly just ignore the things that make them angry. So a lot of this reads a hell of a lot like people who just really love wallowing in their self-righteous anger crusade, which sounds exhausting to me.
But thanks for the entertainment, anyway, ridiculous commenters! 😀 I especially loved the huge paragraphs that were Taking This Very Seriously, which was the treatment that post absolutely deserved.
God almighty, how insecure do you have to be to get that upset over a list of books?
Well, I know I enjoy being angry, but I don’t waste it on comments. No, I horde it all. It gives me strength and makes my hair buoyant yet structured.
Well, that explains what I’ve been doing wrong all these years! Here I thought I just hadn’t found the right conditioner.
I would highly recommend maintaining a constant state of low-level anger as a hair treatment. The moments of true incandescent rage act like deep conditioning.
The Toast: where the only things funnier than Mal and Nicole are the men that get offended by them.
Most perfect gif to open the article with, ever.
Today I learned that Nicole is a dumpy, nutty, bitter, dimwitted catlady who married her husband on their first date since she’s never had a second date, and does not know how dictionaries work, and who put an amazing amount of work into her lazy tripe clickbait.
Not a bad resume, if you ask me!
The “Dumpy, Nutty, Bitter Catlady” sounds like a great cocktail. Initial thoughts: something involving a fat wash and some amaro.
This is too good, after spending yesterday watching the fallout from those guys who yelled obscenities at that female reporter, on camera, and insisted that it was funny and SHE couldn’t take a joke.
Not, apparently, that they can actually recognize a joke when they see one.
And you didn’t even yell obscenities at these guys!
yes! such an antidote to their horrible-ness.
(annnnnd they couldn’t even explain why they thought they were SO hilarious)
BONUS! They are losing their jobs! http://www.cbc.ca/news/trending/hydro-one-employe…
I have never commented before but this is truly wonderful. Thank you.
“I don’t see the pride in purging your mind and shelves of books.”
Er…wha?
There is LITERALLY nothing funnier than White Men who suspect somewhere out in the world, Women are laughing at them and THEY DON’T KNOW WHY.
the thing is, we always ARE
Wait, are there more deleted comments then there are actual comments? Because that’s a lot of deleted comments and I’m guessing they just keep rolling in.
“For what it’s worth, I only have about ten of these novels, everything else is Star Wars extended universe novels”
oh, bless your heart
thank you for clarifying that
ok so that guys has some good taste at least, he just needs to get rid of the 10 books off the list
And “political and social examinations of various historical periods,” don’t forget that.
And old textbooks. Very important.
It’s nice to see how neatly he avoids all of those tired stereotypes.
Like a bard of old, my new calling is to traverse the internet and leave this link on any comment thread where dudes scoff at women for being too sensitive about rape jokes.
Perfect game plan.
God’s work, literally.
I’m actually laughing pretty hard at the 50 Shades shade thrown at the end.
I literally love all of you misandrist catladies so much.
From the Facebook comments: “I don’t even know one other person who has a Thomas Pynchon book, so have no clue how it ended up here.”
NOT ONE OTHER PERSON. HOLD THE PRESSES, LADIES. This man is the only person who is intelligent and sensitive enough to own a Thomas Pynchon book. Let us pause and reflect on the sanctity of his snowflakeness.
“who *has* a Thomas Pynchon book”. “has”. HAS. oh son it is so important that you decorate your apartment with only the most illustrious of intellectual works.
Ooh, nice catch.
Scrolling down to say–y’all who are doing the drinking game, are you still alive?
I only got two shots. Yet another injustice wrought by white men.
I got no shots. In retrospect, I would have been much better served by “I am a white male”, but I cannot say that I regret not having known that.
I think that this post is one of my most proudest Toast member moments. I can’t perfect everyone’s gleeful comments… not even a little bit. The only thing I can do is stand by and applaud.
(if any article breaks The Toast due to sheer volume and traffic, it will be this one, mark my words)
FOR REAL THOUGH these comments on this deleted comments post are too good for me to do my actual goddamned person work. Well played everyone. well played.
Now I’m reading the Facebook comments.
In response to a woman finding the list sexist: “i think we white dudes will be able to soldier on through this very mild, very good-natured “sexist” joke but thanks for looking out for us”: NOPE. You clearly don’t know your fellow white dudes very well, white guy.
And:
In response to Callum: “No, Callum, this article is law now. Women don’t make jokes, this is serious.”
Callum’s response to the response: “I’m so confused.”
Shhh, we know. It’s okay. Just stop talking now.
And:
“I’m white and have owned and read exactly 6 of those books (19, 29, 42, 44, 50 and 53). Question: Why do you have to be a white man to qualify for that list? Many of those books are regularly assigned in various English/literature classes that I am sure are attended by blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Indians (native and non-native) and others.”
Yes, good point. I don’t see at all why this is a problem.
There are also so many beautiful, wonderful responses to these comments from people who are clearly Toasties because they’re too awesome to be anything else.
Callum can go suck a bag of dicks. I had to actually stop reading that thread because of (1) his terrible writing style (HINT: Shift-Enter means you can write multiple paragraphs in one post, you troglodyte); also (2) he was truly a horrid, antagonistic person.
He gives me major LJ flashbacks. Stop pretending you’re cute, Callum. You’re not cute. Go away while grownups are talking.
Oh my god. I did not know how people were writing multiple paragraphs on their facebook comments and it has been puzzling me for SO LONG. Thank you for clearing up this mystery for me, I will be able to stop writing facebook comments Callum-style.
THIS JUST IN: white man pretty sure that “blacks” and “Hispanics” attend English literature courses, but not confident enough to simply state that they do rather than couching it in what he’s “sure” of while explaining it to female writers whom were no doubt ignorant of this fact.
You guys, I took my phone and got my food and sat down and actually became Woman Laughing Alone With Salad. I know that’s a ‘pin thing, but it was just such a joyful crossover I had to share.
My queendom for an edit button.
Yes yes yes me tooooo! I got comfy with my salad (taco salad, does that count?) at work and settled in to read this. Best lunch hour ever. I laughed so hard, unfortunately, that I am now “woman crying alone with salad.”
Saving for future use: http://17rg073sukbm1lmjk9jrehb643.wpengine.netdna…
Between this and all the articles about the new Mad Max movie, life is just so good right now.
I’m so excited to see Mad Max, I’ve never seen any Mad Max movie, but how can this one be bad? And it has the added bonus of making men angry! Before it’s even released!
I didn’t like the original, but I am so excited for the new one. Tom Hardy! Nicholas Hoult! Feminism!
Yes. Today feels like International Male Tears Day and I am so happy.
All hail International Male Tears Day!
But don’t let it being a Day stop us in our tracks! If we keep on our mission, never forgetting our origins and the importance of the cause, we can achieve our goal: International Male Tears Month!
(Those of you directing your energies to infighting about whether the Month should be May or August really need to keep in mind that we have a long way to go, and focus outward to bring more awareness to the campaign, instead, please.)
Why not both? Both would be good.
Male tears are so much more refreshing in mid-summer, though…
The only solution: International Male Tears Season
May – September each year. Bring out your slip-n-slides!
“I make tired sexist jokes at your expense and, whoa! you need to lighten up. Wait, how dare you make lighthearted jokes at my expense I take myself very seriously and hate laughter.”
My favorite part of this whole, glorious mess is the way we immediately got derailed from paying attention to all the hurt feels into multiple elaborate imaginings of CSI: Lewis.
That’s because the latter is so much more enjoyable. What are White Guy Hurt Feels in the face of Aslan in sunglasses and Puddleglum in designer jeans? Or C.S. and J.R.R. solving crimes in Oxford using the power of pints?
JRR: it was elves
CS: IT’S ALWAYS FUCKING ELVES WITH YOU.
JRR: ok fine it was a dwarf
It will sustain me through the week. This might be a possible friendfic in the making.
If this post does not fully sate your thirst for male tears, this metafilter thread is delightful: http://www.metafilter.com/149594/1-2-3-7-9-defini…
“I guess I always thought Mallory Ortberg was a pseudonymous group author, and that everyone over there sort of pitched in.”
oh my sweet unholy lord
So we can all start calling ourselves Mallory Ortberg? Or is it more of an “I am Spartacus” kind of thing?
I AM MALLORY ORTBERG
NO, *I* AM MALLORY ORTBERG
*Mallory smirks smugly as the patriarchy collapses in flames at her feet*
Personally, I am truly honored to think that I comprise even the smallest part of Mallory Ortberg.
I am Mallory Ortberg’s left pinky fingernail.
This is amazing, but also, imagine the sheer volume of scathing material a collective Mallory Ortberg could produce. We’d have SO many more dirtbag and famous-dudes-getting-pegged posts, surely.
omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg
Pantheism, with a twist.
Mallory is in all. Mallory is in us. We are all Mallory. Honor the divine Mallory inside you.
*Colors of the Wind begins playing softly in the background*
“I was upset there was no Tom Holt in the list.”
awww
The MeFi thread was…disappointing. Normally, I list here and MetaFilter as the only places on the internet where comments aren’t awful (wholly unsurprising, given that both are moderated fairly heavily), but the amount of point-missing and whining over there was depressing.
Yeah, The Toast has more or less taken over Metafilter as my internet clubhouse. I still check in on AskMe sometimes, and my spouse keeps me alerted to Metatalk drama, but … it’s cozier here. That thread is a good example of why.
I know– I have to laugh so that I don’t cry. Mefi is pretty good at being woman-positive; not so good at being man-critical. And lots of dudes there are uncomfortable with the idea of ‘white middle class male’ not being the ‘default.’
That’s the perfect way to put it.
They just don’t… stop… trying… to make everyone understand how great and special they alone are, since surely no-one else in the history of the world has such complex and sophisticated reading tastes. No matter how many people explain it, the special snowflakes keep obliviously wading in with their point-by-point Unique Takes. It’s like art.
I am having too much fun reading that thread! I have dumb work to get back to, so I stopped at this:
“This thread is like when a Chinese news agency treats an article from the Onion like real news.”
because: ha!
Perfect!
though, props to this guy –
Joke’s on whoever wrote this. I’m so privileged, I never even had to learn how to read.
“I assumed it was a woman as I read it, but when I saw the “i own most of these books myself” tag I switched to assuming it was a man. It made more sense as failed self-referential humor than failed othering.”
OTHERING.
To be fair, it failed to be othering.
“Better to have titled it something like “books from your father’s bookcase” or something, and kept it a lot shorter and maybe thrown in some Harold Robbins.”
THANK GOD metafilter has a professional editor in the house to offer suggestions to…the…editor…of a wildly popular site. Yes.
God, I can’t stop marveling about how many of these guys proudly “don’t get it” while also referring to Nicole as “he”.
Ok, the “books literally all white women own” comment is pretty good.
That gave me a chuckle, especially:
“67. Interview with the Vampire, Jane Austen”
I enjoyed “Captain America fanfic: Emily Bronte,” because yeah, I can see that. It’d be super-angsty. And then there was a link to Avengers fanfic as written by George Eliot! It was almost like a Toast thread.
” I realize The Toast is a proudly feminist blog, but feminism is about more than taking lazy, passive-aggressive potshots at the menz.”
Well, damn, I knew we were forgetting to do SOMETHING.
Excuse me, I need to go… burn my bra or whatever.
A white dude friend of mine on facebook said, “I’m confused. What’s the common theme? I haven’t even heard of most of these.”
Oh, pumpkin.
So is a catlady a cat lady without the space, or an adult catgirl, or a superhero, or what?
All the above! Embrace the catlady within and crush men’s delicate feelings beneath your paw.
Holy cow what a lot of ways to say “NOT ALL WHITE MEN.” Bros got all mad.
all these guys are gonna write outraged responses to this article too so really it’s self-sustaining
Between the time the Toast home page loaded and I clicked on this article, the number of comments went from 536 to 529. Such a warm feeling to know there was real-time deleting in action!
“this list is pretty disputable”
This. This is the best.
“[rant rant rant rant rant.] and yet people seem to be chuckling”
crrrringE!!!
“people seem to be chuckling” is the understatement of the year! We are guffawing mightily.
Reading these comments makes me feel powerful.
I have no power to do so, but I hereby grant you a The Toast Drinking Game Extension. Just get your tea consumed by your exam on Monday, and good luck!! (on both the tea and the exam).
Also, Important Tea Advice.
Bless you. I missed that post originally (what happened to my life that I no longer get to read every single article & comment on The Toast?) (Oh, yeah, I left my job & started working for myself. Dumb move, Mel.)
Refraining super hard from adding to the comments there. Not refraining at all from horrified laughter.
Oh my god, it just kept. going.
When I shared the list yesterday on Facebook, the same white male friend who is most vociferous in insisting that feminists have no sense of humor and can’t take a joke was the one who insisted that the list was “clickbait batsh*ttery” and that any intended humor failed because he was “missing the stereotype that the author assumes the reader would know about that would lend humor to the piece”.
I thought the list was funny, and its critique neither overly harsh nor unwarranted. And I am a Y-chromosome-haver of European descent. Now if you’ll excuse me, those mammoths aren’t going to slay themselves.
I’m laughing, but also falling down the stairs in despair. I have been so naive to think “wow! All the comments on toast articles are so great! This must be a part of the internet that terrible people don’t go to/haven’t found yet!’ I should have known that terribleness is an elementary particle, and only policing comments keeps it at bay.
Our fearless leaders take good care of us here.
Holy crap, have they ever seen the brilliant art posts? I cannot even imagine how much those would make their heads explode.
Sometimes I question whether misandry is a truly helpful endeavour in fighting the patriarchy…
…but good god, men like these make it so easy for us to make fun of them.
Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate
*raises umbrella against the tears of the white man*
I sincerely hope you slow-blinked at him, showily filled your mug with whiskey, and walked about the door w/o saying anything.
I liked that response out of context, and I like it even more now.
OMG WHITE GUYS i’m literally crying
Take up your White Man’s Bookcase
Display the best ye read
Go bind your hearts to stubbornness
To serve the canon’s need.
To bear the heavy burden
Of prejudice and scorn;
Misandrist, angry dilettantes
Who wish you never-born.
ETA Re:gorebooth and the Real White Man’s Bookcase.
*falls on knees in worship*
Marry me.
Why, Mrs._Peel, this is all so sudden. I don’t even have my “receiving proposals” hat on.
I promise not to play the lute at you or read any of my poetry aloud!
Well then, how could I possibly refuse?
*jumping ovation*
I’m making my way through the collected works of Kipling. This could not be better timed.
Those are also on the White Man’s Bookshelf, btw.
But oh no. According to the deleted man-rage comments this means that I should purge them from my shelves immediately. And probably burn them. Otherwise how can I live as a feminist? Whatever shall I do?
1. Throw party, invite white men.
2. Get one of them to demonstrate his manly skills by getting a bonfire going.
3. Throw books on fire.
4. Make a martini from the resulting white man tears.
Ooh, what are you reading right now? I love talking about Kipling.
I bought a twenty volume set for pennies at a library booksale (it is in pristine edition and so pretty and there are gilt edges and the little tissues over the pictures and watermarks and they’re bound in what I’m assuming is some sort of faux silk and damn if I don’t love me some nice old books) so I’m starting from the very beginning. I’m currently on one of the Mrs. Hauksbee stories in Plain Tales from the Hills.
What an amazing find! That sounds like a fascinating experiment. I would love to hear how it goes.
Awww, never mind cis white guys. You still have all the power! I’m sorry that being made fun on on the internet made you feel all sad 🙁
Dumpy nerdette!!! My new self-descriptor.
I also just created an account to let you all know that this has completely made my day! The list was perfect, this post is perfect. Bless you all.
Very Caffeinated. Much Hydration. Wow.
I gave Hedwig an extension because she took “literally” mansplains (and maybe something else also), and while she’s also doing tea, she should be allowed to sleep at some point this week. I have no power to do so, other than the comment doing so got enough likes that I figure it’s cosigned by enough people to be legit.
This post is an ocean of aggressive, confused, and entitled masculine tears. My greatest joy would be to swim in this for the rest of eternity with a blissful smile on my face.
Some of these dudes have a good point . . . I think Bukowski was an oversight. #MISANDRY
But Bukowski was covered in the comments. Repeatedly.
The Toast commentariat:
This chick is also a cat lady
Frighteningly accurate, in my case.
I fucking love every last one of you SO MUCH.
Solidarity forever. <3
CAN I JUST SAY THANK YOU AND GIVE THE BIGGEST UPS TO THE COMMENT MODS HERE AT THE TOAST
The Toast is truly a virtual haven for us all, and from the looks of this post they keep its gates well guarded indeed.
There are many gems, but my favourite is the guy using “FAIL” in TYOOL 2015 while trying to tell you a thing or two about what’s REALLY funny.
“SOOOOOOO RACIST AND SEXIST!!”‘ Such raw, fearless emotion. You must be so proud that you gave so many white men the opportunity to experience true oppression.
Today I saw a jeep with a sign on the back that read: “Silly boys, jeeps are for girls.” Now I wonder how often she gets tailgated or cut off by infuriated guys.
white males literally have the poopiest diaps
Every white man knows the definition of ‘literally’ and is very confused about the definition of ‘racist.’
Good point on Bukowski, though.
At first I was confused at all the “wow, so racist” comments, but then I realized: they are talking about being mean to white people. Amazing.
I literally love everyone here.
Right back atcha (does Fonzie thumbs-up)
This post is worth twice what I paid for the first one! Buy one, get one free!
The original post, and this one, are making me positively giddy. I’ve never been happier that I’ve thrown away all our books. I feel like W. E. B. Griffin should have been on that list, but I suppose Tom Clancy is close enough. If I’d known there were this many male tears involved, I would have recorded tossing these “treasures” into the dumpster.
I “got” the original article, although I didn’t think it was particularly funny. That being said, there was no reason for these idiotic reactions. The article was not racist or sexist in any way. In fact, some of the books listed were there to make fun of their racism or sexism. There was also no reason for people to take the article personally. White men sure take it personal when you talk about whiteness or maleness, but they sure don’t mind talking about blackness or femininity.
It’s why white men will twist themselves into knots to justify jokes at the expense of women or minorities, but completely shit the bed when someone makes even the teeniest joke at their expense.
Actually, being not-quite-white not-quite-straight woman of non-US descent, I have a hard time “getting” the list.
It’s a nice mild-mannered list of mild-mannered and widely appreciated literature.
For me, the “main course” of the joke here are these hysterical overreactions on the part of people who aren’t even supposed to have a uterus (ta!).
As far as I am concerned, it goes like this:
Nicole:
White men read highbrow literature
Internet dudebros:
HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT WE READ LITERATURE, YOU SEXIST RACIST [DATA EXPUNGED]
And then a mid-sized US city drowns entirely in dudebro tears
Preposterous.
However, there’s apparently something about the list that makes these crybabies turn themselves inside out like a goddamn sea cucumber.
Francois, could you lend me a hand and perhaps explain what exactly is there in this list that has apparently wounded the self-esteem of so many dudebros?
I thought the article was a pretty bad listicle at first, but I’m pretty sure this validates it entirely
I think I had read 20, and own maybe 10? My only reaction was this is a good list, and I am not nearly as well read as I think I am.
Best fucking head graphic for an article ever! I lol’ed
“How about a good Vietnam war book like The Things They Carried or Fields of Fire?” I love how this guy can’t quite decide between wounded indignance and an earnest desire to help. I’m imagining him walking along the length of his Billy bookshelves, frowning at each spine in turn as he takes down titles for Nicole’s reference.
Earnestly Helpful White Men are kind of my favorites. They’re like puppies who pee on the carpet and then bring you the paper towels because they don’t quite get that peeing is wrong but they do get that you use the paper towels to clean it up.
HIS BILLY BOOKSHELVES OF COURSE
“regardless of how existing power structures play into it.” *icily* How nice for you that you can disregard how existing power structures affect real people in the real world because of their skin color (and gender, and orientation, etc. etc. etc.). What a pleasant life that must be, not only being able to ignore “existing power structures” because, hey, they don’t affect you; but also actually delude yourself into believing that you, you special snowflake, are able to judge people by the content of their character alone without being influenced in any way by our society’s prejudices. I can only imagine how tranquil your self-deluded reality-impervious existence really is.
*burns everything down*
“I’m glad there are so many smart women out there putting these white men in their place!” Me too, buddy, me too.
This is hilarious.
Also kinda sad.
And makes me wonder what exactly did people who were offended… perceive ? I mean, it’s a very mild-mannered and tame list, nothing particularly questionable there…
Their response is a joke in itself
They were probably just frustrated that they were forced to go update the Favorite Books section of their OKC profiles.
This is hilarious.
Also kinda sad.
And makes me wonder what exactly did people who were offended… perceive ? I mean, it's a very mild-mannered and tame list, nothing particularly questionable there…
Their response is a joke in itself
Actually, being not-quite-white not-quite-straight woman of non-US descent, I have a hard time "getting" the list.
It's a nice mild-mannered list of mild-mannered and widely appreciated literature.
For me, the "main course" of the joke here are these hysterical overreactions on the part of people who aren't even supposed to have a uterus (ta!).
As far as I am concerned, it goes like this:
Nicole:
White men read highbrow literature
Internet dudebros:
HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT WE READ LITERATURE, YOU SEXIST RACIST [DATA EXPUNGED]
And then a mid-sized US city drowns entirely in dudebro tears
Preposterous.
However, there's apparently something about the list that makes these crybabies turn themselves inside out like a goddamn sea cucumber.
Francois, could you lend me a hand and perhaps explain what exactly is there in this list that has apparently wounded the self-esteem of so many dudebros?
Evidence suggests men gladly share photograph of (allegedly theirs) genitals.
Even if they are ex-NSA and thus should know better.
Even if said genitals look like a dead newborn mouse.
Oh god I had forgotten about that, and now I am smiling at the memory of his impotent boner comments.
I love the dude bragging that he’s only read two of these. AWESOME JOB, GUY.
That C.I.S. Lewis gag was solid too
God, these men are terrible and also terribly sad. The fact that they all are insulting not only your intelligence, but also your appearance (???) and your appeal to men (??????) is telling. It sounds like somebody hit a nerve…it sure is embarrassing when someone astutely points out the total lack of diverse representation in the art you ingest…and I find it interesting that all though all of these men are more than happy to accuse you of “””racism””” or “generalizing,” and yet not one seems to notice that the list is a list of white male authors (with a few exceptions)…who have been assigned in schools for the past half a century BECAUSE OF THEIR PRIVILEGE AS WHITE MEN. Sigh…
God, these men are terrible and also terribly sad. The fact that they all are insulting not only your intelligence, but also your appearance (???) and your appeal to men (??????) is telling. It sounds like somebody hit a nerve…it sure is embarrassing when someone astutely points out the total lack of diverse representation in the art you ingest…and I find it interesting that all though all of these men are more than happy to accuse you of """racism""" or "generalizing," and yet not one seems to notice that the list is a list of white male authors (with a few exceptions)…who have been assigned in schools for the past half a century BECAUSE OF THEIR PRIVILEGE AS WHITE MEN. Sigh…
Yep! Yep!!! But, an "opinion" that is actually a disguised misogynistic insult, of course.
Indeed, I am a dude, and I have to say that these white guys are hilarious with their cultured, bruised egos. And ew, the comments are so sad, like whining little boys. Misandry is a beautiful thing.
I know I'm late to the party, but I just went and cross-stitched at a bar last night (there was an event, rather than me just bringing crafts to drinky-times), and I'm therefore halfway through a 'SMASH THE PATRIARCHY' cross-stitch. I wanted to make one that said 'Give me intersectional feminism or give me death' but I haven't had the time to sit down and design it yet.
I would definitely be down for 'Damn it feels good to be a spinster'.
I love that its always the same dudes who call minorities or women “pussys” for getting offended at deeply problematic jokes about rape or race who also lose their shit when someone pokes fun at them.
lol good emtional