Previously in this series: Dirtbag John Milton.
BIFF enters, skateboarding.
BIFF: more like willy blowman
BIFF exits, skateboarding.
LINDA: oh Biff
when are you going to make something out of your life
BIFF: i went on a job interview today
LINDA: that’s wonderful
how did it go?
BIFF: stole a pen
LINDA: oh Biff
BIFF: s’a good pen
[BIFF leans over and carefully draws a mustache over LINDA’S mouth]
BIFF: see
WILLY: oh god ive lost my job
i’m nothing
i might as well be dead
christ, without a job i can’t feed my family
i need a job
CHARLEY: did you say you lost your job?
WILLY: fuck off charley
CHARLEY: because i would be happy to give you a job with–
WILLY: i said “fuck off Charley”
not “keep talking” and “keep standing in front of my door like a fuckface”
WILLY: they cant just throw me away like that
you can’t just eat the orange and throw the peel away
a man’s not like a piece of–
BIFF: no that’s exactly how you eat an orange
[At WILLY’s funeral]
LINDA: I don’t say he was a great man–
BIFF: no one says that
HAPPY: yeah literally no one says that mom
***
KATE: Joe
Joe did you realize the engine parts were cracked when you shipped them out?
did you know those planes would crash?
JOE: no
i dont know
i was sick that day
KATE: oh Joe
we’ve got to go to the police
you’ve just got to turn yourself in
JOE: sure thing babe
you got it
let me just grab my coat
[JOE shimmies out the bedroom window, drops into the car, and drives away]
JOE: “did you know those planes would crash”
like anyone can ever actually know anything
***
ABIGAIL: your wifes a witch probably
JOHN: no she’s not
ABIGAIL: mmm sounds like something a witch would say
REVEREND PARRIS: so you’ve seen some witches, eh
ABIGAIL [lights a cigarette]: ive seen a lot of things
REVEREND PARRIS: who are the witches, girl
name them
ABIGAIL: everybody
REVEREND PARRIS: what, everybody?
ABIGAIL: yeah
REVEREND PARRIS: even me?
ABIGAIL: thats what everybody means
REVEREND PARRIS: who else is a witch?
ABIGAIL: mmm idk
that yellow bird
REVEREND PARRIS: what, the yellow bird on the barn-post?
ABIGAIL: yeah
big old
witch bird
[GILES COREY is being slowly crushed to death under a pile of stones]
REVEREND PARRIS: ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT
GILES COREY: why dont you put some more rocks on me
maybe that’ll help solve the mystery
fucko
Tags: arthur miller, books, teenage dirtbags
[GILES COREY is being slowly crushed to death under a pile of stones]
REVEREND PARRIS: ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT
GILES COREY: why dont you put some more rocks on me
maybe that’ll help solve the mystery
fucko
That is exactly how witch trials went tho
MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR WEIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTT
I intend to shout ‘more weight’ in extremis, no matter the manner of my passing. Imitation, flattery, &c.
[BIFF opens the door to WILLY’s hotel room]
BIFF: hi dad how’s bos-OH MY GOD
WILLY: this isn’t what it looks like
BIFF: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US
WILLY: do what
BIFF: how could you leave Mom for some HUSSY
WILLY: what hussy
she’s just here to confirm that order
for the stockings I’m very busy selling
WOMAN: we confirmed that order SO HARD
BIFF: my life is a lie
WILLY: so how about business school, huh, son?
I vote for
“big old
witch bird”
as a new Toast tee.
It’s basically what I am already.
One of the finest line breaks I’ve seen all year.
Second. Please, O Toast Witch-Queens!
That was handsdown my favorite part. Brilliant work.
YES PLZ.
[hurls all my money at Mallory]
i never thought i’d enjoy imagining a dirt bag “enter on a skateboard,” but now that’s my favorite way to imagine any dirt bag entering a room
I was dead at “more like willy blowman”
no that’s exactly how you eat an orange
ahahahahaha
i said “fuck off Charley”
not “keep talking” and “keep standing in front of my door like a fuckface”
Sometimes I’m tempted to say such things to people who bug me at my office. (Corporate Private Sector Dirtbag)
The very first excerpt strongly reminded me of the skinhead hamlet: http://web.mit.edu/johanna/Public/skinhead.hamlet
OMG-that link! Who knew the University of Toronto could be so entertaining? Bonus: I finally got the gist of Hamlet.
“Skinhead Hamlet” is now my favorite Hamlet. Thank you.
“Delighted, fuckface”.
“fucko”
now to resist calling everyone i cross paths with today “fucko.”
I couldn’t get past that first line without cackling loudly and having a cubicle neighbor asking if I was okay.
heh heh blowman
BIFF: Shut up Happy
no one likes you
I mean just
what kind of a name is Happy
it’s the name of the dog on Seventh Heaven is what
This is AWESOME
This is AWESOME
UNCLE BEN
or you could just kill yourself
and join me
in the jungle afterlife
ghosts have the best ideas, what what.
UNCLE BEN
or you could just kill yourself
and join me
in the jungle afterlife
ghosts have the best ideas, what what.
Dirtbag Arthur Miller plays >>>>>>>>> Serious Arthur Miller Plays About Men And Their Problems
its a tragedy that Abigail doesn’t smoke in every single production of the crucible
its a tragedy that Abigail doesn't smoke in every single production of the crucible
Please. Never stop writing these. My mental health is now pretty much reliant on your articles and features.