If Famous Show Tunes Had Been Written By School Librarians -The Toast

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“A Graphic Novel is Still a Book” (to the tune of “A Secretary is Not a Toy” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying)

A graphic novel is still a book
Yes, a book
Take a look
Stop telling your students
That they shouldn’t read them
If they were just taking a look, yes!
Remember that even you
Once hated Hemingway too
For god’s sake just be glad
It’s a book.

“JSTOR” (to the tune of “Memory” from Cats)

Show you how to use JSTOR
What I’m actually here for
Not just copier jams
Doing research that won’t involve a Googling spree —
Wait, that’s better
‘Cuz it’s free

“The Internet is for School” (to the tune of “The Internet is for Porn” from Avenue Q)

The Internet is for school
The Internet is for school
Using sites like NoodleTools for school, school, school

“Living with My Cat” (to the tune of “Finishing the Hat” from Sunday in the Park with George)

Living with my cat
How you have to live with a cat
How you have to constantly lint-roll your cardigans
When you live with a cat

“Summer Reading” (to the tune of “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera)

Summer reading
Planning summer reading
Arguing about it
In three hundred meetings
“Make them read the classics
Or else they’ll play with matchsticks”
“Screw the classics, long live Common Core!”
“Anything but 1984”

“All Your Data in a Chart” (to the tune of “Jacob and Sons/Joseph’s Coat” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)

You are perfect, you are smart
All your data in a chart
With an S-L-J devoted feature
On life-changing projects with your teacher

“525,600 Emails” (to the tune of “Seasons of Love” from RENT)

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred emails
Five hundred twenty-five thousand message alerts
Five hundred twenty-five thousand ALA listservs
All about e-books, so pointless it hurts

“The Library Way” (to the tune of “Iowa Stubborn” from The Music Man)

Oh there’s nothing halfway about the library way to treat you when we greet you
Which we may not do at all
There’s a library kind of special doing exactly what you do
So you can be rehired in the fall

E. Sparling is a freelance writer and speed reader.

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