Recent studies suggest that it’s very important that you come into this room right over here just now. Studies also suggest that it’s equally important you do not waste time asking questions like “what room” and “why” and “why is this so important to you,” but just step this way through the door very quickly and by yourself, immediately.
The studies were conducted, and the evidence is conclusive: this room just over here is where you should go next, without anyone coming with you. Scientists did them, the studies. Which ones? Yes.
The studies are all finished now, and you don’t need to see them. The studies suggested that it’s not important you see the studies at all, but it is important that you hurry along, quickly now, because time is of the essence. The studies say now is the best time for you to be alone in that room.
Recent studies suggest shhh and hush.
A number of studies – more studies than you could count, but don’t count them – have all concluded the same thing. The room is for you. Go there now, without looking inside of it first or leaving the door cracked open behind you. All the studies agree. They’re all concerned about you, and they want what’s best for you, and for the room.
A new study reveals the alarming fact that you are not in the room. Normal things will happen in the room, good things too. You’ll like them, the good and normal things, and you’ll stay the same, which is normal and good, the studies agree. Studies show there is a way out of the room, and you will find it, but the most significant findings definitely suggest that getting into the room is much more important than thinking about leaving it again.
These recent studies show it’s just as important that you come into the room alone as it is that you go to the room in the first place. Bringing someone who hasn’t been invited into the room along with you is almost as bad as not going into the room at all.
Studies suggest that you’re not in the room yet. Do you need more studies demonstrating the importance of going into the room, this one right over here? All the studies have proved conclusive. There was no margin for error. None of the scientists had any worries about the study, and if they did, the studies would have put the worries away, somewhere far away, in a different room, not a room that you need to be in so not a room you need to worry about. Studies show that the very best thing for you is to go into the room, just open the door and walk inside, no matter what you see or don’t see in or beyond or underneath it, and stay there, alone and by yourself. What happens next wasn’t a part of the study.
Studies show there just isn’t a good reason not to go in the room. We couldn’t think of any. Can you? You can’t. The studies were exhaustive. All the reasons were good, and not bad.
The studies were published. The studies were conducted. The studies started and happened and ended, and they’re full of data, and the data is for you. As it turns out, “Things are best for you when you go into the room right now without bringing anyone with you,” one of the scientists from the study said. “That’s when things are best, in the room.” You should go there now.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.