Recent studies suggest that it’s very important that you come into this room right over here just now. Studies also suggest that it’s equally important you do not waste time asking questions like “what room” and “why” and “why is this so important to you,” but just step this way through the door very quickly and by yourself, immediately.
The studies were conducted, and the evidence is conclusive: this room just over here is where you should go next, without anyone coming with you. Scientists did them, the studies. Which ones? Yes.
The studies are all finished now, and you don’t need to see them. The studies suggested that it’s not important you see the studies at all, but it is important that you hurry along, quickly now, because time is of the essence. The studies say now is the best time for you to be alone in that room.
Recent studies suggest shhh and hush.
A number of studies – more studies than you could count, but don’t count them – have all concluded the same thing. The room is for you. Go there now, without looking inside of it first or leaving the door cracked open behind you. All the studies agree. They’re all concerned about you, and they want what’s best for you, and for the room.
A new study reveals the alarming fact that you are not in the room. Normal things will happen in the room, good things too. You’ll like them, the good and normal things, and you’ll stay the same, which is normal and good, the studies agree. Studies show there is a way out of the room, and you will find it, but the most significant findings definitely suggest that getting into the room is much more important than thinking about leaving it again.
These recent studies show it’s just as important that you come into the room alone as it is that you go to the room in the first place. Bringing someone who hasn’t been invited into the room along with you is almost as bad as not going into the room at all.
Studies suggest that you’re not in the room yet. Do you need more studies demonstrating the importance of going into the room, this one right over here? All the studies have proved conclusive. There was no margin for error. None of the scientists had any worries about the study, and if they did, the studies would have put the worries away, somewhere far away, in a different room, not a room that you need to be in so not a room you need to worry about. Studies show that the very best thing for you is to go into the room, just open the door and walk inside, no matter what you see or don’t see in or beyond or underneath it, and stay there, alone and by yourself. What happens next wasn’t a part of the study.
Studies show there just isn’t a good reason not to go in the room. We couldn’t think of any. Can you? You can’t. The studies were exhaustive. All the reasons were good, and not bad.
The studies were published. The studies were conducted. The studies started and happened and ended, and they’re full of data, and the data is for you. As it turns out, “Things are best for you when you go into the room right now without bringing anyone with you,” one of the scientists from the study said. “That’s when things are best, in the room.” You should go there now.
Tags: come here won’t you, science, studies show
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“But Larry just went in the room and he’s dead now!”
“The plural of anecdote isn’t FACT Jessie. I for one am going to trust the study and go into this nice, empty ro–“
Wait. Is this a room in a non-existent Night Vale house?
CARLOS?!
A+ script, would listen to Cecil read it.
Then would turn on all the lights and hide from the room. Hide where it could never find me. Like maybe under a pile of my cats? Sounds good. Sounds…safe.
Would really prefer not to listen to Kevin read it though.
I know. “Studies show there just isn’t a good reason not to go in the room. We couldn’t think of any. Can you?” was very Kevin.
I got to that bit and realised the red in the picture wasn’t an arty filter, but actually depicting the freshly decorated room
Yes, I definitely heard this in Cecil’s voice. (Though I would love to hear it in Mallory’s, if only I were better acquainted!)
Mallory’s magnificent old-timey heroine voice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUrqUWNcSOg
(*may cause butterflies)
Both of the cigarettes agree.
I love that related links include “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus and “Dying in the Pussy” by Antwon. Also, awesomely, “How To Tell If You’re In A Jane Austen Novel”.
You can never be truly alone in this room, the faceless old woman that lives in your house is always there… watching and rearranging the dust motes.. I have disproved the validity of these studies, I will wait patiently for the vague yet menacing government agencies to come for me
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Scientists were just trying to plan a nice surprise for you. Scientists know you have your worries about this relationship, and scientists wanted to show their commitment. See? Scientists cooked you a lovely dinner now that there are no masked armies in their kitchen. Scientists made you an omelette with actual eggs. Scientists do care.
Replace “room” with “garage,” and you have my cat’s default mindset.
A followup study demonstrated that you are hearing these words in the voice of Cecil Palmer
Does the Daily Mail think that the room prevents cancer or causes cancer?
Yes.
Mallory Ortberg, you are insane, and you are great.
I just watched The Babadook last night, so this is exactly what I needed to read today. (I highly recommend the film and suggest a double-header with The Shining).
B.F. Skinner: history’s worst pick-up artist.
I just left the room and I really wish I hadn’t
…please tell me I’m not the only one who mentally heard this in Cecil Baldwin’s voice.
Well, I heard his actual voice whispering in my ear as I read along, so that’s a bit different.
New aesthetic: scientific rigor gothic
In addition to the “things Mallory does for no reason” tag I feel like there should be a “things Mallory does for the very specific and intentional reason of making you feel like someone distinctly sinister wishes you ill” tag.
No need to find this person, they’ll find you.
Quick, let me into the room! I feel a compulsion to go in there and I don’t know why. Was there a study?
come into the shadow of this red room
I will show you studies in a handful of dust
…GlaDOS, is that you?
And now, the weather.
I went into the room. Things happened. I left the room.
Thinking about going back in again. Really, I can’t think of anything else.
Recent studies suggest shhh and hush.
….
Mallory, never change.
Oh, so is the room a study?
Did you hear about the studies on NPR? Because that’s where I hear all my studies.
“Which ones? Yes.” Sooo, kinda unrelated, but my daughter (10) is now super into Hunger Games and I’ve got to tell you, I cannot watch those gd movies and am seriously regretting letting her read the books and watch the movies. State-sponsored violence and totalitarian governmental control is so completely terrifying to me. Much worse than, like, random serial killers. I sat through True Detective, for chrissakes and I won’t sit through Hunger Games.
Well, I’m ever so glad that after turning off all but one light, way down the hall, I sat in the dark reading this, with every intention of heading immediately to bed afterward.
The clock struck midnight as I read it. None of the clocks in my house actually strike, but it happened anyway.
Good night.
Good … bye?
Did your bedroom become The Room? Can you get out?
So far, I’m still trapped. Alive, but trapped. (That may have to do with the comfy pillow, though.)
I guess we’re having Onion with our Toast now.
I’m going into the room now…..and I hope to find you there. If you gave me a tour, that would ruin it.
Am I the only/first one who assumed that sexy things would happen in the room? What does this say about my state of mind?
I love that related links include "Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus and "Dying in the Pussy" by Antwon. Also, awesomely, "How To Tell If You're In A Jane Austen Novel".