Toasties!
Summer is marvelous. Unless you hate it, in which case, don’t worry, life is fleeting and will soon turn to winter. For now, eat all the avocado toast and drink all the prosecco. Open thread!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender is in
So I was reading the marriage equality majority opinion, looking for a good pull quote, and
“…rights come not from ancient sources alone. They rise, too, from a better informed understanding of how constitutional imperatives define a liberty that remains urgent in our own era. ”
No, you’re crying at your desk. I have…allergies…to bigots.
Also “They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”
Man, this must be a widespread allergy sort of day…I am also not crying at my desk.
No, YOU are! (runs away in tears)
My Fundy in-laws are going to be nuclear tonight. I shall drink much booze and watch them fume with a beautiful smile on my face.
You should come up with a drinking game. May I suggest a drink for every time “activist judges” is used?
Good call. Though I think the Bible will be making a lot more appearances. So I will drink each time someone mentions the Bible, Leviticus, St. Paul, or violating God’s law.
I have had an epic week of unfriending. Thanks, rebel flag, ACA and gay marriage!
There’s nothing like a barrage of right-wing petulance fits to simplify one’s social calendar, is there?
Dear Toast, I wish I had more time for you during my work day!
So, my dad has finished three rounds of chemo now and is going to have a CAT scan done to see if this is actually, you know, producing any results. I am so scared for him and stressed with a million other life things, but what really sucks is that tons of people in my life who were very lovely and sweet at first are now nowhere to be seen. I totally understand that this is not a big deal for other people, they are not my family, but it seems like most people are afraid or just frankly forgot that my family is going through this horrible thing. I get that people are busy and have lives, and I don’t even live near most of my friends, but really, all I am looking for is the occasional email or text to say “Hey! How are things?” Not, like, constant fruit baskets. But acknowledgment. And I feel stupid being the one to reach out to say “hey, please pay some attention to me?”
I realize this is all stuff I really should discuss with my actual counselor and all, but I am just going to vent here in the meantime because you’re all so lovely and understanding.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad, and that your friends have been out of touch 🙁
I’m sorry that people aren’t keeping in touch with you, but I am glad that you’re giving us updates on your dad. I shall be sending you and your family all kinds of happy and supportive thoughts.
thinking of you and your dad <3
For what it’s worth, I’m thinking about you and wishing all of you the best. <3
I’m sorry this is going on. I hope his CAT scan results are positive and that people come back out of the woodwork for you when there’s an update.
That’s tough 🙁 It is so hard for people to know how to deal with major illness, and so often, they default to doing nothing because they just don’t know what to do. Hugs to you.
That totally makes sense. I hope the CAT scan turns up good news. I’ve been thinking about you and your family, and looking for your updates on the open threads, if it makes any difference.
You might want to consider doing a mass email update post CAT scan results with some gentle words at the end indicating you welcome hearing from people despite this being a difficult time, etc. People, especially people who are not in the innermost circle, are often afraid of intruding during illness. Issuing a more explicit invitation won’t move people who are just selfish or terrified generally, but it may well move people who have been hesitant to “bother you” to pick up the keyboard.
seconded!
Also, there are websites you can set up that give updates to everyone and encourage people to check in regularly. If your dad ever posts/emails people at large on this even once or twice, people will respond and probably have stamina to keep on responding — they will feel “in-the-loop” and like they’ve been given instruction & permission in how to help.
At least, it worked well for us when my mother had cancer. And she didn’t have strength to update much, but she did once or twice and that was all people needed to then understand and take things up on their end.
People are endlessly disappointing too though. I remember all the people who didn’t want to wear the face masks in her isolation positive pressure hospital room, and, well… their thoughts are in the right place even if they are bad at follow-through.
I am really sorry that this is happening with your father, and that the supportive people in your life are not actually there supporting you. I am on the other end of it, I am trying to be supportive to someone whose family is having a rough time, and I am not always sure how to do that — sometimes it feels like asking them how they are is rubbing their nose in it or trying to get overinvolved in their crisis or whatever? So as a would-be supporter I would encourage you to tell people what you need and let them rise to the occasion! Maybe if you say once that you need them to check in and to remember to do it without you asking, they will listen!
agreed, I am so much on the side of not wanting to tell people about […] and i REALLY don’t want them to bring it up when I’m trying to think about other things. and it’s hard to remember that’s not everyone’s approach. so hearing “hey, I’m gonna text you when I’m sad” or “please send jokes and cat photos” from friends going through rough stuff is super valuable.
not to be like “you should have told them what to do” – of course, it’s fine to feel let down if people aren’t reaching out! but you know what you need and good friends won’t mind at all if you ask for it.
Thank you for keeping us updated. I know I haven’t commented on your OT posts about your dad much, but just know you definitely have tons of support from this corner. Sending all of you good thoughts! <3
Sorry to hear you’re not getting what you need from your friends. CaringBridge.org is a good way to loop a bunch of folks in via email, and can also have the effect of compartmentalizing this one specific thing so your friends can either respond there and feel like maybe they can be there for you in more general ways, or just come to you knowing more of what’s up and thus not having to ask and potentially remind you of it at a time when that would be draining. I posted for a family member who had surgery/wasn’t great with the interwebs, and it seemed to help a little. I hope your dad has a positive outcome, and that you get some respite and friendship soon.
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I don’t know your dad and from the past year of comments I know only a small sliver of the pie chart that is You, but I know that it really shakes you to your core when you’ve grown up with “home” (family culture, etc.) being your safe place and then suddenly it isn’t.
And double that when you don’t live in the same city as your family and you can’t be there to experience every emotional step and stage with them.
And triple that when your friends are uncomfortable talking about negative life events, or have never had something like this happen to them and have a weird insufferable sense of “invincibility,” or even just forget because they see that you’re doing other seemingly unrelated things like work and baby-making and writing and they don’t know how a tragedy like this gets under your skin and permeates everything. Having to add “exulansis” to your list of sorrows makes them all the more gut-wrenching.
My dream for you is that you will find people in your life who see all these things – even if they’re people you didn’t expect.
And in the meantime – not that you need any of us to validate your experiences or your pain – please know that we are here if you need a venting session or a show of solidarity.
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this, and I’m grateful that you’re willing to share with us. Like others, I scroll through OT specifically looking for updates from you, and although I don’t always comment on them, please know that you’re in my thoughts.
My thoughts, hopes and prayers are with you; so sorry to hear about your Dad.😞
Toasts, it is a beautiful day.
That’s all I’ve got. It is 66 degrees and sunny, my best friends can finally get married, and I am three days away from being done with an event that is sucking my soul. All is well.
My interns showed up literally two minutes before the ruling was announced and I’ve been Staying Strong but they just left with my boss and now I’m bawling at my desk because this showed up on my timeline and I can’t actually stop crying.
That is precious.
Weather-wise Seattle is overdoing it… it’s going to be like 90 F this whole weekend.
As a Spokanite, I resent all of the extra degrees you’re sending our way to keep yourselves from being too miserable 😉
But for us in the west 90 degrees is miserable! 🙂
Another Spokane resident here! Sending my kids to summer camp on Sunday on a predicted 106-degree day is making me feel a little queasy.
Here in Portlandia, they are saying 105 tomorrow. That’s not OK.
That really is unacceptable. Someone should file a complaint.
Toasties! You may recall a long post of mine in the open thread about a month ago about my job/housing situation. In it I mentioned applying for a job that looks 100% fantastic and like it would put me on a great career track and is much closer aligned to where I want to be career-wise. Well, earlier this week I got a call to schedule a phone interview for the position! So thank you for all the good vibes and advice you guys sent my way! Now I’m in full-blown interview-prep mode, which mostly consists of me frantically googling and trying to figure out what they might ask me based on the job description and past interviews I’ve been in.
Can we talk about phone interviews for a bit? Share your good experiences and your awful experiences on both sides (as the interviewer or the interviewee), advice for having a good phone interview, suggestions for good questions to ask at the end of a phone interview, stuff like that!
Okay, first rule of phone interviews: wear a headset of some kind. In my case that just means my iPhone headphones with the little microphone. You get better sound quality and free up your hands! They will almost certainly start with some variation of “tell me about yourself,” which I always answer as most recent role + how long I’ve been in this line of work + why this role is interesting to me. I tend to keep my questions to a minimum on phone interviews because I don’t want to waste my time or theirs with lots of questions until they bring me in for an in-person round, but I’ll ask about things like the org’s structure as it relates to this role and what the previous person is doing next. And I walk/move a lot during phone interviews – if I’m not actively referencing a document on my computer, I’m bouncing around my living room and kitchen, because that’s how I do phone calls most of the time anyway so it makes me sound more natural.
I’m also a wanderer when I talk on the phone at home! I just make circles through all of my rooms and stand at windows a lot! I actually think I’m going to have to do this one in the car though, which is less than ideal. It’s scheduled for 6pm my time (which is 3pm their time), and I’m usually in the middle of my commute then. My plan was to print out all the important docs (the e-mails scheduling it, my application, the job description, etc.) pull off into a shopping center and hang out in the parking lot for the actual call though, so obviously I won’t be driving while talking!
The headset is a great idea though! The last phone interview I had I couldn’t hear one of the people at all, it was terrible! headphones I’m sure would have helped!
Wear real clothes! Not necessarily a suit/business clothes, but something that makes you feel like a human being who is capable and together.
Yesss this is important. My nightmare example is when I was living in Russia and I had a phone interview for a job in DC. We did it over Skype because my Russian cell phone wasn’t great, but I didn’t realize that what I thought was just a change in the technology by which we were connecting our voices meant they wanted it to be a video interview. I was wearing a men’s white ribbed tank top and no makeup and it was like 90 degrees in my apartment because this was the summer of the huge heat wave so I looked like garbage. I did not get the job, but more importantly it was a fucking excruciating interview.
But even if there’s no chance they’ll unexpectedly be able to see you, putting on a bra (if you are a bra-wearer) and some actual clothes is a solid idea.
First question I got asked on mine: why do you want this position/why are you a good fit? So have a prepared/rehearsed answer to that one! I also practiced with friends beforehand, which helped a lot. And I got the job, woo! Good luck!
That’s a question that will get asked at almost every interview. Always important to have a good, articulate answer.
If you can, ask who all will be one the phone interview. I’ve had plenty of phone interviews where I’ve assumed it would be 1 or 2 people and it was a half dozen or when I was initially told it was an informal HR interview only but the prospective boss and their boss also were on the line. Obviously prep like it’s going to be everyone always but it helped me a lot to know who (at least by title) I would be talking to.
Like owlegg said, wear nice clothes. Sit up straight at a desk or stand. Remember to smile even though they can’t see you you’ll be more relaxed and confident and they’ll hear that.
Personally, I don’t think I show off my best self on phone interviews, I have a harder time reading the room and get flustered when I don’t feel like I have enough time to really work through a question before responding. I also have trouble prepping for any interview, so these tips are all very helpful!
Ask a Manager has a guide you can download on prepping for interviews–I’ve found it super helpful.
I just had a phone interview this morning! I think I rocked it.
Definitely second the advice to use a headset. I usually stand up but this time I had to just drive my car a few blocks away from my office and do it there. Have water nearby in case your throat gets dry. If you need a few more seconds to think of an answer, you can say “That’s a great question” or repeat the question.
Write down a couple of questions ahead of time. The initial screen isn’t the place for super detailed questions, but here’s what I asked today:
– How big is this team? What’s the management style like?
– How would you describe your organizational culture?
– What do you think are the biggest challenges of working here?
– Plus a couple of questions about details of this particular role.
Also don’t forget to google the company. The first thing she asked me today was to describe what I knew already about the company and this role.
Oh here’s one thing she asked me that almost threw me: She asked what my ideal team and manager looks like, so I answered. Then she asked the opposite, what kind of team/manager I don’t want to work for. In case you get asked something similar, think of a diplomatic answer that’s true but won’t totally rat out your current or most recent employer!
Ohhh good luck! From the sounds of it you were definitely prepared for it! Those are all great questions, I may steal one or two myself!
Most of my interview nightmares have involved being asked technical (like, Math and Comp Sci) questions and immediately forgetting the absolute basics of things I actually know. I am terrible at thinking on my feet / doing oral testing, so I come off terribly in those kinds of interviews.
I actually had a great interview yesterday, though. Not great as in “I aced it!” (I think I fucked up) but as in they asked really cool questions, like asking me to design an algorithm to optimize their recruiting strategy. They also asked a fun question, which was “What is something you know is true, but everyone else thinks is false?” I probably won’t make it to the next round, but it was an excellent advertisement for their company.
TGIF for real this week. It’s been rough. Haven’t felt like myself, overslept this morning (which really only happens when I’m sick but I’m not sick) and have just generally not been My Best Self. But this weekend looks pretty unstressful– I have a workout plan, I have fun stuff to do at/near home, and no social obligations.
Toast, tell me about your Wikipedia browsing habits. I read a lot of Wikipedia during downtime at work– I love unsolved mysteries, archaeology, and cuisine pages. My “weird thing” is that I read plot synopses of horror films–gives me all of the cultural reference, none of the jump scares.
What sends you down a Wiki-hole? What articles do you love?
I fell down a wiki/TV Tropes hole about East Germany the other day. It was Intense.
Other things that lead me on wiki rabbitholes: amusement park injuries, the entire series’ synopsis of The Simpsons by individual episode, obsolete restaurant chains.
Obsolete restaurant chains! I love those. Just restaurant chains in general, even: the other day, I learned that Panera was purchased by Au Bon Pain Co., which then sold off Au Bon Pain to another company. And that there’s an Original Pancake House near my brother’s apartment in Tokyo.
TV Tropes is amazing, too. Second only to Wikipedia proper in terms of rabbitholing.
I backed the TV Tropes Kickstarter and now I have a sweet TV Tropes tank top that I wear ALL THE TIME.
I always end up on amusement park injuries too! That or megatsunamis or executioners in history!
And since I have I have a brain that picks up on details that I have emotions attached to, this means I have an entire library of very very morbid facts in my brain at all times.
Amusement park injuries are one of mine, along with general disasters – plane crashes, fires, train crashes etc. And then I freak myself out horribly and wonder what I was thinking.
I spent, like, a week reading through all the wikipedia articles about Antarctica a while back. Did you know that the world’s southernmost ATM is a Wells Fargo machine at McMurdo station?
I did not! I did read somewhere that they go through an incredible number of condoms, but what else is there really to do down there?
I did, but only because I have done Antarctic research! (Not that actually involved me going to McMurdo, but a bunch of my friends have been and I am a little jealous.)
But … who restocks it?
…. why exactly *do* they need cash down there, anyway? I assumed they were living off some kind of pre-packaged Scientist Rations™. Is there a Starbucks or something…?
What a great business plan– open a coffee shop in a barren wasteland with a totally captive audience.
But imagine the wages you’d need to offer your staff to get them to agree to going down there!
In the interests of keeping up my Spanish with nobody to help me practice, I have turned to Spanish-language wikiholes, especially those about the Spanish/Mexican/Argentinan zeitgeist that are sorely underdeveloped on the English site.
Ooh this is a good idea. I really need to practice my Spanish more.
etymology, especially of place names, always sends me down a wiki-hole: “omg, THIS is related to THAT!”
I want to be fascinated by the anatomy/medicine wikipedia articles, because there are so many parts of the human body I don’t even know about! But they’re usually too technical to trigger that “whoa, weird, that’s INSIDE me and THIS is how it WORKS” reaction.
Oh man I love etymology. I assume you’ve seen this site?
http://www.etymonline.com/
I haven’t – it’s been mostly an accidental wikipedia “I wonder where that came from…” thing so far. I will….not click this link at work.
Yes, why is that? The medicine/physiology/neuroscience part of Wikipedia sucks, it’s way over the head of anyone who actually needs to look these things up in Wikipedia. Anyone who can read those articles already knows their stuff (or have textbooks that explain it better) and need more than what’s on Wikipedia. I’m a lowly undergrad in a similar field and I do use Wikipedia, but I either want even MORE details that actually explain it properly or just refresh my memory with simple explanations of concepts. This is too much and not enough at the same time.
Whatever you do don’t go to http://tvtropes.org . You’ll never make it back out again.
I love TV Tropes. I can now analyze Chopped episodes with obnoxious precision and have convincing conversations with my college friends who majored in Semiotics.
oh noes. i clicked. please send sandwiches. i’m gonna be here a while…
I’m on the phone to the Red Cross now. They’ll be sending in a response team.
Or http://oldloves.tumblr.com/
Take snacks
I’m more of a history/technology wikipedia browser. Trans-atlantic telegraph cables! Electric cars in 1895! How’d Belgium get into the choclate game–wait, why was Belgium owned by Spain for, like, a century?
I went to the Science Museum in London last week and had an excellent time learning about transatlantic telegraph cables. Telegraphs in general are so cool! The electrochemical telegraph worked by sending out bubbles of hydrogen next to the letter or number chosen by the sender: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrical_telegrap…
There are some bonkers categories and lists on there that can fill up an entire afternoon. Military animals, female murderers, premature obituaries, people who disappeared mysteriously, people whose existence is disputed, individual trees, superlatives, etc.
My favorite article : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Windsor_(go…
I have been in a hole reading a lot of articles on the Mercury Seven, the Apollo 1 fire, and the Gus Grissom Liberty Bell controversy because I have been watching the Astronaut Wives Club (which is not that good) and because I love space race stuff. Sadly, the show keeps playing up the sweetness of the Grissom marriage which is filling me with pathos because I know where that ends up.
Also I find it hilarious that Wikipedia lists the height, hair color, and eye color for each of the Mercury Seven.
Serial killers. The more detailed the timeline, the more fascinating I find it. I read waaay too many of John Douglas’ books in college…
yes, same here! I mean inevitably it ends up in a simultaneous serial killer/horror movie/scp reading trainwreck that fucks with my ability to sleep with the light off, but I can’t not, it’s just totally engrossing.
Have you read the “Wiki Wormhole” articles on the AV Club? Lots of interesting stuff!
http://www.avclub.com/search/?q=Wiki+Wormhole
I did not know about the series but I am so glad you’ve enlightened me
Yay! (The guy who writes it is an internet friend of mine, and a super awesome person).
I read plot synapses as well! I hate being jump-scared! High five!
I read synopses of horror films too, although I find that even those scare me.
I have been stuck at home all week with the flu, but last night I got my first good night’s sleep all week (thank you, NyQuil) and I feel a lot better today so hopefully I’m on the mend. It’s been such a boring week, guys, just lying around in bed with barely enough mental energy to read a book or watch Netflix.
Ugh. I got hit with a similar-sounding flu last fall. I didn’t even have the energy to read. Glad to hear you’re on the mend.
One of the upsides of travelling for work this week is that I was able to get through a bunch of new books – Bryony and Roses by T. Kingfisher (Ursula Vernon), A Key, An Egg, An Unfortunate Remark by Harry Connolly, and Uprooted by Naomi Novik. Every one of them was chock full of wonderful women from 17 to nearly 70 who got shit done by paying attention to the world around them. I have a real weakness for competence porn and the related narrative of “I may be thrust into an overwhelming situation where I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m going to trust my system for figuring things out”, and these all deliver. Uprooted in particular is going straight to my comfort read shelf; it’s the perfect book for anyone who’s ever dreamed of growing up to be Baba Yaga.
What is everyone else reading?
i read “drinking coffee elsewhere” by zz packer and looooved it. one of the best short story collections i’ve read in a while.
dude, that collection is fantastic
yes! there were moments where i was reading it on public transit and i had to pause and make googly eyes off into space, because some parts were so intensely good that i was like, is anyone else reading this right now? i need someone else to be in this with me!
“It’s the perfect book for anyone who’s ever dreamed of growing up to be Baba Yaga.”
Well THAT got my attention as I was scrolling down the page! *Adds to her to-read list; sits in an urn hopefully.*
I just gave up on John Le Carré’s A Perfect Spy, about 40% of the way in. Which is sad because I love love love Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. This one just feels so damn overwritten, with too much focus on the main character’s tortured relationship with his asshole father, and not enough fascinating bureaucratic spy stuff. Also, the book feels terribly cruel to its female characters. Shoulda been warned off by the fact that Philip Roth considers it the finest post-war British novel.
I’m in too much of a depressed mood these days to deal with tortured male feelings. So now I’m doing a massive switch and reading Kushiel’s Avatar instead, aww yeeahhh.
It is totally about his relationship with his dad – the spy stuff is completely incidental. They may as well have both been accountants, so be at one with stopping it!
I’ve also gone and hunted out Uprooted!
Phew, absolution!!
I bought a bunch of queer books at Pride, because they were there and I am weak. I’m halfway through one on “outlaw marriages,” or long-time partnerships of influential queer couples. I can’t believe it took me this long to learn that Aaron Copland was gay.
Heh, coming from the opposite direction. My husband is traveling for work this week, so I knocked out three books and have started a 4th. I read Gone Girl, This is How You Lose Her, Gregor the Overlander, and I just started Station Eleven.
Every time I hear about Uprooted, I get more interested in it. I may just have to track it down. Not that my to-read list needs to be any longer than it already is
I just finished In The Unlikely Event by Judy Blume and thoroughly enjoyed it. That woman hits all my sweet spots: complex female characters dealing with everyday and not-so-everyday life. Multigenerational stories. Stories about Jewish women! It was a pretty quick read and well worth it.
Just started Thrown by Kerry Howley, and read quite a bit of Call and Consequence: A Womanist Reading of Mark by Raquel Annette St. Clair; which was really great.
(learned a new-to-me word: diunital)
I loved Thrown enough to buy my own copy (post-library) but it is weird and definitely has its problems. I am excited for you to return to discuss it!
I’m reading all the biographies of Eleanor of Aquitaine I can find.
Really close to finishing Bee Wilson’s “Consider the Fork.” Totally fascinating and engrossing look at the development of kitchen tools over human history — big chapters like the pot, the knife, cold, fire, etc.
Besides the great crash course in anthropological study and comparisons in different cultural culinary emphases, an unexpected bonus is Wilson’s critical voice. In the bit about modernist cuisine, she praises the philosophy of “why not?” but casts shade at how the modernist cookbook (you know, that tome) sneers at mothers and grandmothers who fed their families in all of history, as if that’s not one of the most important and noble things a person can do. She also makes a point of discussing labour by women and the poor, and lightly touches on issues of class, sex, gender, and how it has informed food and kitchens. It’s not a *big* part of the book by any means, but it’s been unexpected and on point.
Recommended!
brb putting that on pile
That sounds fantastic!
This week I have read book 4 of The Expanse (Cibola Burn) by James S. A. Corey, which reviews were very split on but I liked just fine, Ms. Marvel 2, Saga, and am about 3/4 of the way through “The Media Relations Department of Hizbollah Wishes You a Happy Birthday” which is a book of essays by Neil MacFarquhar about the Middle East which are interesting, but the book was published in 2009 so there isn’t anything on the Arab Spring or its effects.
I have Nimona, Book 5 of The Expanse, and Seveneves on request at the library so I am eagerly anticipating them, although I have heard that Seveneves is pretty disjointed.
Seveneves is certainly disjointed but in exactly the same way every Stephenson novel is: bits of story interleavened with nerdy infodumps. I like them, but I can also see how they could be entirely not someone else’s cup of tea.
I enjoyed Reamde, in which I read the infodumps, and The Cryptonomicon, where I just skimmed them and figured if the characters could understand encryption and codebreaking, then I didn’t need to. I’m looking forward to infodumps about space though, I love space stuff.
You’ll probably enjoy Seveneves then! Bonus: it is also thinly disguised Neil deGrasse Tyson fanfic.
Okay, I’d been hesitating on Seveneves (I run hot and cold on Stephenson), but “thinly disguised Neil deGrasse Tyson fanfic” may have actually just convinced me to give it a try.
VERY thinly disguised.
I really enjoyed Seveneves a lot. I heard it may be a series? (I really hope so as there is lots of places the story could go).
I’m like halfway through “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better” by Monica Heisey, and I am also reading the Spanish edition of A Storm of Swords as a way to keep up my language skills.
I just started “The Distant Horns of Summer” by H.E. Bates.
It’s about a teenaged babysitter who has sole charge of a small boy for the summer while his parents are away in Tangier, and they develop their own imaginary world with an imaginary friend named “Mr. Pimm” who comes to visit. Highly recommend it so far!
Pretty much anything by H.E. Bates is terrific, and also a great choice for the summer. He writes incredibly beautiful descriptions of nature and the English countryside. “A Month by the Lake” would be a perfect summer read.
I’ve been reading an old collection of 50 short short science fiction stories curated by Asimov. some are great, and some are eh, but i almost never read physical books anymore and simply the very physical process of holding the book and smelling the old book smell is making me really happy and making me realize that I need to spend more time with real books.
Now that I’ve gotten back into the library, I am loving having physical books again! Even though apparently paperbacks are no longer A Thing. It’s especially nice now that it’s summer, I can read outside without having to hunt down my rarely used Original Kindle, charge it, and desperately try and coax it into downloading new books.
Halfway through My Real Children (new-to-me Jo Walton)! She is so good, how can a writer be that good?!
I just finished Confessions of a Shopaholic (I very recently discovered how funny Sophie Kinsella is and I am glad she has such a big catalog of books) and I’m annoyed at all the goodreads reviews that come down to “main character is silly and unlikeable.” C’monnnn it’s a screwball comedy, her whole job as the protagonist is to get herself into ridiculous situations! Can’t really begrudge anyone that reason for not liking a book, but I just want us as a society to retire the term “fluffy chick-lit” and rename it “comedy.”
I’ve only read Among Others by her, but that was great!
that was probably my favorite read of 2014! So so good.
My Real Children is SO GOOD.
My library hold on A God In Ruins came through on Monday! I’m about 185 pages into it and just can’t come up with anything to criticize about it, because Kate Atkinson is the best. I’d be okay with her writing a book from every member of the Todd family’s perspective (except Maurice, even though I’m sure she would find a way to make him bearable). It’s especially neat seeing Ursula and hearing details about her life from another family members (Teddy, in this case).
I’m finally reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. Bought the book years ago, never got around to it, but now there’s tv show I don’t have time to watch so I thought I’d finally read it. Progress is slow, however, so it’ll keep me busy for a while (+/- page 170 now)
I just finished rereading it yesterday. I had forgotten how good it was.
I’m not usually a high fantasy fan (I do like urban fantasy ok, it’s generally more lighthearted, which I want in fantasy), but someone recommended I read the Chalion trilogy by Lois McMaster Bujold and I’m loving it. I pretty much devoured the first, had a bit of trouble getting into the second, and now I’m to a point that I don’t even want to be at work when I could be home reading! I’m excited about these like I get with a new Jo Nesbo or Tana French novel
She just announced yesterday that she’s releasing a new novella in the Chalion universe and I’m so excited!
Also I love those books so much.
Yay!
I spent all of Paladin of Souls agog and thrilled that I was reading a fantasy book whose main character was a middle aged woman.
You might like A Key, An Egg, and An Unfortunate Remark then – it’s urban fantasy in which the protagonist is a woman in her sixties, and very much in charge.
Me tooooooooooo
I still have yet to read the third one, but Curse of Chalion and Paladin of Souls are, like, almost everything I ever wanted in a fantasy book.
I am rereading Jo Walton’s _Tooth and Claw_ which is a lot of fun, and I am also reading _Outlander_ because, well, why not? I am liking it a lot more than I expected, although I still would not want to travel back to the 18th century. I have heard the show is good, I might try it after I finish the book if I can find it streaming.
I just finished Seveneves by Neal Stephenson and it was so good! I’d especially recommend it to anyone who enjoyed The Martian as it has a lot of the technical meandering, but also Stephenson can write a plot and characters (I liked The Martian but those were not its strong suits).
Just started one called The Summer of the Bear and it is enjoyable so far.
I picked up The Martian yesterday and basically didn’t put it down until I’d finished (except for, like, work. I did have to work. But I was thinking about Mark Watney for most of the day.) It was so engrossing! I really enjoyed it, even if I did stay up maybe until 2 in the morning thinking about it after I’d finished.
Now I’ve moved on to The Girls from Corona del Mar, which a lot of my bookish internet friends have been recommending, and enjoying that so far, just in a very different way.
I loved The Martian so much that I stayed up late reading it and then the next day I cornered my friend in a swimming pool so I could talk at her about it for half an hour.
I just finished reading Uprooted! I couldn’t put it down. So excellent. I love that it’s a standalone, but I kinda want it to turn into a series.
Then I read another book that everyone seems to like (The Girl on the Train) and really did not care for it. So now I’m just rereading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The least of the Harry Potters, but still wonderful.
I also did not like The Girl on the Train, after being told I would since I liked Gone Girl, and I’m glad there are other people it didn’t work for.
Ok, so I have a book reviewing job that lets me get sneak peeks of upcoming releases, so I am technically not even supposed to be writing about this yet, but it was so good…
I just finished reading a collection of short stories called “Let’s Tell This Story Properly”, a collection of shortlisted stories for the Commonwealth prize. It is excellent – the sotries are gems, and the collection was impeccably curated, and there was nary a story about a straight white dude having trouble bedding ladies. #glorious
Waiting on a tandem bio of Sandra Day O’Connor and Notorious RBG for work, which is now three days late in arriving, so, reading nothing and none too patiently. Recently finished The Ghost Network by Catie DiSabato which was all kinds of delightful: Pop stars, lesbians, Situationists, conspiracy theories. I felt really well fed afterwards.
I just started All the Light We Cannot See. Literally just started, so no opinion on it yet. Hopefully I can finish it this weekend before my loan runs out and the digital library gods steal it back from me.
I loved Uprooted! Totally my favorite fantasy to come out in a long while (and I agree with rallisaurus that it was nice to see a standalone, although at the same time I’d be down with seeing the universe or the characters again … maybe that’s the trouble with fantasy, it’s hard to let go).
I’ve read most of Novik’s Temeraire series and liked them well enough, but they’re pretty fluffy and get a bit repetitive; I thought Uprooted was a major uptick in ambition and I’m excited to see what she does next.
I am like 17% through My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante and so far I am extremely bored and annoyed at it. Does it get better? Dithering is pretty much my main pet peeve in books, and so far that seems to be all that’s happening.
I actually got to read this week! The Descendants by Kaui Hart Hemmings (ugh, did not like) and Makai by Kathleen Tyau (L O V E D). I also borrowed Obake Files (book of Hawaiian ghost stories) “for my son” but so far I’ve been hogging it.
I read Meg Cabot’s The Boy Next Door while on vacation because after being exhausted by both a trade show and Disney World I could not engage with anything that required any effort. I haven’t read anything by her since I was in high school, but this was fun and light and pleasant.
Now I’m reading Kissing In America and it made me cry at my desk over lunch.
I’m a bit stressed so I’m binge-reading Mecedes Lackey (running count of Evil! Antagonists! Of! Eeeeeeevil!!!: 1.25 per book) and L.M.Montgomery.
I took a break from that because the second Raksura anthology finally came out and I had to read it right away (SPOILER, or probably not really a spoiler because it’s in the blurb, but: Jade being grumpy while she waits for her clutch to be born is best.)
I stayed up way too late at least two nights this week plowing through Red Seas under Red Skies, which was not quite as good as The Lies of Locke Lamora but still pretty darned good and ripped my heart out equally. I am reading a far less interesting book that I can’t remember the title of, something with a WWI nurse who solves mysteries or something, to space it out a bit before I start the third in that series. Although the main characters are men, RSURS features some kickass female pirates, if that’s your kind of thing. And in a nice change from tradition, in these books it’s bad luck NOT to have a woman on the ship.
I slept in today (nasty viral thing kicking my butt and not letting me fall asleep!) and woke up to the news that #lovewins and I am just kind of crying for all my friends right now, Toasties. And considering whether I want to head down to Stonewall tonight just to BE THERE.
It will be a clusterfuck, but the BEST clusterfuck. A giant metaphorical orgy of love and acceptance. Do it for all of us.
It will be a clusterfuck for sure but at least I live on the 1 train, so it will be an easy-commute clusterfuck, right? I just want to go and cry with people. I should figure out if any of my friends will be going.
Oh wow. I would definitely go.
Toasties! I was about to leave work but I am happy the open thread opened just in time 🙂 I am also really happy about the SCOTUS decision. Rainbows for all!
How about a gaming thread? This week I discovered the most casual of casual games, Japanese cat-collecting game Neko Atsume, and I love it. I almost have enough gold fishes to expand my garden.
I also bought Sunless Sea (by the makers of Fallen London) in the Steam Sale and finally played it last night. So far I like it! It’s very atmospheric. I haven’t ventured too far out yet, but I’ve already had to resort to cannibalism.
Here for Neko Atsume! I’ve been playing for almost 2 months now and I’m only slightly less addicted than when I began. Once the kitties start bringing you their ‘treasures’ (yes kitty, I WILL accept your love in the form of a dead cicada, THANK YOU!) it’s the happiest thing. Also I realised that, at a certain angle, my husband kind of looks like the cats when they’re looking directly at you and thinking of this when I’m annoyed at him makes me less annoyed. I really hope I don’t die suddenly and he discovers the shit I write.
Neko Atsume is lyfe. I’m trying to get more of the fancy cats. So far I have the baseball cat, the train conductor, the king, and the swashbuckler.
Did you hear? The real-life train conductor cat died: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2015/06/25…
brb, sniffling sadly and renaming my train conductor cat Tama.
RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE FOR EVERYONE!
I’ve been playing Sunless Sea pretty much non-stop for the past month, and while I’m still terrible at killing zee-beasts I’ve cheerfully embraced cannibalism and agreeing to do anything for anyone regardless of how morally turpid the task might be (sorry, Tomb-Colonists I fed to the sorrow spiders!)
I almost got Sunless Sea during the steam sale, but ended up getting Regency Solitaire instead. It’s surprisingly addictive…
I resorted to cannibalism very early on in playing Sunless Sea the first time too.
This week I have been getting into 4X games hardcore. I asked about them in a previous open thread, and then bought Endless Space and Civ IV (because my computer is too old to handle Endless Legend and Civ V). I have gotten my sister hooked on them in that time as well! We are both still playing on the easiest setting, but having fun. I used to have a hang-up about playing on easy settings (I play video games frequently, therefore I am too good for those setting or something) but have since realized how stupid it is to do that when you find it genuinely more entertaining if you take out the frustration attendant to high difficulty, low experience.
And lastly, in other marriage equality news: I just found out that the new Fire Emblem game allows same sex marriage! It’s limited though. They’re doing a Pokemon-style release with two separate games in the same world but with different campaigns, then a third release which allows a totally new, neutral path. The single dude option for gay marriage is only available in one version and vice versa, the third has both (unfortunately, the one I wanted to get is the one where I will not be able to marry another lady). Still, I’m fairly certain this is the first time Nintendo has published a game which allows same sex marriage, so I’ll take that baby-step of a win for now.
Rereading this comment I guess I should note for those of you that don’t play FE: you get to choose the gender of the player character.
Civ IV is a much superior game to Civ V, I think, so you’re not missing anything there. Endless Legends looks like something I should love, but so far it’s boring me to tears.
Hmmmm. I don’t know if I agree with that, but I’m interested to hear why. I really, really love all the Civs, and I was really put off by V at first because it was SO different. But after playing it for a long time, and having gotten all the updates/expansions, I have to say I really do love it even though it takes forever to play. It almost feels like a different game to III and IV.
I think because it feels like such a different game, I had a strong reaction to it. Civ IV always felt like a strong balance between the different modes of play and I really enjoyed playing for cultural victories which I’ve found nearly impossible in Civ V.
One of my friends started playing Neko Atsume a few weeks ago and it has spread throughout our friend group. I have it on both my ipad and phone. Because I need all the cats and I need lots of them.
I gave up on Neko Atsume because the only time I ever saw any cats was the very first day I played it. Despite buying a ton of treats and toys! They would drop by with sardines but would never actually appear on my screen 🙁
I have been loving Neko Atsume, although I haven’t really gotten any new cats in a while. Baseball cat (whom I have named Sisko) shows up quite frequently and gives me a lot of grey sardines but they’ve all been pretty stingy with the gold ones lately.
I also downloaded Fallout Shelter and have been playing that, although I am not terribly incentivized to expand beyond my 25 or so people since I’m just going to need to build new power plants and everything. They could also all be dead, because I haven’t charged my iPad to check on them in a few days.
My refurbished PS4 died and I was going to send it back for a replacement, but GameStop is currently offering a $150 and a free game towards a PS4 or a XBox One if you trade in your 360 or PS3, so I think I am just going to get a refund on the refurb and get a new one for less at GameStop. Sadly, I think this means I have lost all of my Last of Us Progress.
I am also planning on downloading Episode 3 of Tales from the Borderlands this weekend.
Also thanks BourneApprox for the Invisible, Inc suggestion, that game is so fun!
I love a video game thread, even though I am only ever playing the same things all the time. Mass Effect. Skyrim. Mass Effect again. Oblivion, surprisingly. And now Skyrim again. My problem is that whenever friends or Toasties talk about a game I’ve played and enjoyed, I immediately want to pick it up again.
This playthrough I’m a Khajiit thief and mage. Part of the fun is trying to impose limits on a game that really wants you to explore and conquer everything, so instead of sneak-attacking everyone with a bow I’m setting everyone on fire. I married Ysolda to stay in character, and let her stay in Breezehome since she’s so into becoming a merchant in Whiterun. I’d really like to raise my pickpocket skill to 100 so I can change her clothes though. At first I tried to stay out of the cities and follow the Khajiit caravans around, but that was a little too much limitation.
On the last Skyrim playthrough I started I did similar, a Khajiit thief type and I wouldn’t let myself do any of the storylines that didn’t fit the character (Mages and Fighters storylines). I feel like the previous game had at least a nod to having to have some specialization in those fields to play in those guilds, Skyrim almost feels too open to me.
Not only that but the game actively nudges you toward doing and being everything. I started a real Lawful Good character once–helpful with minor quests, intolerant of thieves, mildly religious (Divines not daedra), Imperial warrior, etc. Jumped on the main quest right away because this character followed orders. But as you go along the main quest, the game kind of ushers you into situations that would open shady quests that were totally OOC for this PC–oh hey, you want to find this old guy in Riften? better talk to Brynjolf and maybe become a thief! Oh hey, you want help with a book? Better go to the College of Mages and maybe become a mage! You can get around these things, but still.
Yeah I found that aspect really annoying. It’s like they really wanted to push you into doing every single thing on one playthrough.
I’ve gotten back into Two Dots after a long hiatus. I have a tendency to get really stuck and then quit until they update the level to make it less difficult, and it must’ve been a while because there are a ton of new levels.
I finally sent off my Wii U for repairs and I got it back on Monday,* so I have been playing Lego City Undercover some. There are parts of the game that I really like, but it’s also really sexist and racist in the way of things that were made by well-meaning people who intended to be inoffensive but didn’t actually think very much about how to do that.
I have plans to do more of the Wii Fit U dancing activities, now that I have both the required controllers and a console that doesn’t freeze when I’m trying to pick an activity.
*This is a lie, I got back a different Wii U with my save data transferred to it, but that’s close enough.
Neko Atsume just like appeared for me at exactly the moment I was getting super frustrated with phone games. “These games all want me to be either messing with them every 2 minutes or only once every 8 hours or are constantly bugging me to give them cashbux or all of the above! All I want is a Tamagotchi with even lower stakes and possibly cute art, IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK.” And then ~Neko Atsume~.
Otherwise it’s just been Splatoon and FFXIV lately, both of which are some quality-ass games.
Toasts, as of COB today I will have worked 53 hours this week and I have to work on Sunday AGAIN. I am so exhausted and I miss my weekends. This is stupid whining but I have nothing better to say right now.
PETTY WHINING THREAD, then!
OoOoOoO My petty whine is about the heat. I hate summer and I’m ready for fall. no more of these 100F+ days and having to wait to eat dinner until 9pm (when my kitchen finally drops below 90F). I want snow, and lots of it.
Co-signed!
I was bred for Irish and Siberian climes. This is too much for me.
SAME. Why is eating in the heat so hard? I’ve been staying up way too late because it’s too goddamn hot to move until like 9:30.
I’ve resigned myself to eating only what I can cook in the microwave and rice cooker (my crockpot broke *sob* time to go back to the thrift store and look for another one) I even bought frozen cooked brown rice (I can’t get it to turn out unless I bake it and NO WAY am I turning on the oven) to reheat and eat with microwave steamed veggies and a rice cooker poached egg. I’m ok with eating in the bedroom (where my window unit it) but it’s too hot to even go in the kitchen for more ice.
Also, my friend with a pool just moved and no longer has a pool, so I need to make a new friend with a pool
My hands are really cold at the moment because the office AC is cranked down to negative a million. Whyayayyyyy?!
nooo, time to break out the fingerless gloves in the office.
the other day, it was so cold in the office that i caught myself thinking “my skin hurts”—ugh.
I should! I feel like freaking Bob Cratchit over here.
Ugh, I feel your pain. I have an AC vent blowing right on me for like half the day. I actually keep a zip-up hoodie on the coat rack nearby.
Ugh. I am ALL FOR a petty whining thread. I hurt my shoulder doing the PT exercises for my SI joint so now my left hip and left shoulder both hurt in the exact same way.
Almost everything in my garden has either been destroyed by doves or eaten by some unknown varmint before it has a chance to ripen. Even my yellow pear tomatoes have been plucked as soon as they start to get yellow-green and it is absolutely disheartening. The only thing that’s doing pretty well are my potatoes, but only because the doves haven’t figured how to burrow yet. It’s only a matter of time. (Doves are, for the record, The Worst.) It’s never been this bad before, and even with fence and scare tape (which is a load of bull, by the way) my garden is getting ravaged.
My parents have woodpigeons in their garden, and they have a habit of eating all the growing vegetables before they ripen. Purple sprouting broccoli was a particular favourite.
Hello yes I have a petty whine about my dumb unattainable crush on a celebrity. I don’t usually get this type of debilitatingly distracting crush, but jeez, y’all, I have not gotten jack shit done all week because if I leave my brain unsupervised for five seconds it takes off on an elaborate fantasy.
I know that feel. What the fuck, brain, are we 13 again? Apparently so. (Thank gods for Tumblr where this bs can be fully indulged. Though I do sometimes wish my husband didn’t read mine :\ )
This seems like some very legitimate whining to me.
*exhales*
Online dating thread!
Several slightly boring conversations on OKC. I expect them to peter out soon. I’m disliking my profile. I want to flip it over like a table and start over.
Date I Decided I Have an Interest in Cultivating as a Friend: Seems okay with it but also seems a little needled that I don’t have a particular desire to have sex with him either. I’m okay with that, as now I’m more at ease with him and can view his small irritants through the magical friendship lens of “oho, you goof!” We were going to go to a Edith Piaf tribute concert at Casa Loma but he had to cancel because he stepped on a wine bottle and cut up his foot real bad, and uhhh, also some other stuff that made me feel glad that I’m not interested in getting romantically involved with him. We’re just not a match, and it’s a relief to feel that clearly.
Also, I need to do a regular routine of STI tests, which I have never done with my long monogamous relationship, and I feel very awful I haven’t gotten to them sooner. I am determined to be responsible to myself and my sex partners. I have an appointment with my current doctor on Monday (even though they’re a little sex-shamey and I’m in the process of eventually switching to a different practise). I actually had a test done in April but they never called me with the results and I ignored it because I also found out I was *not pregnant* at that point, so. (I have never failed to use a condom for sex, but whenever I’m worried, I’m of the “better find out via SCIENCE!” camp.)
Please encourage me and tell me I’m not a bad person for having put this off until now.
Is it possible the office doesn’t call when the results don’t come back with anything worrisome? That’s how my doctor handles test results, radio silence means everything’s good to go. But that may not be the case for all practices. Doctor’s appointments are the worst, I try not to think about how terrible I am for putting things off and congratulating myself when I finally get things sorted.
Same here! I only get notified if something is Weird.
That never occurred to me! They always call me with pregnancy test results, all of which have been negative, but maybe that’s a Different Beast.
Making and going to doctor’s appointments is definitely a challenge of adult life. I always, always feel better after going, but I somehow forget this completely the next time.
For certain STI’s I think there’s a public health requirement that they notify you. So yeah, it seems unlikely that they’re sitting there going “hope she knows she has the clap!”.
HAHA. I love the mental image of the receptionist furrowing her brow and sending me psychic waves about gonorrhea.
In honor of this lovely Pride month, I have developed the very best way to get those random messengers from such unenlightened lands as Morocco and Cairo and Arkansas off your back.
okay so I opened mine back up last week I think? And have been messaging pretty routinely with someone nice, really generic conversation though, but switched to texting last night. Not sure where this is going, but I always tend to think of things in friends-first-then-see so shrug.
HOWEVER, now that the convention is over, the guy I’ve been really casually seeing since March has been a little more free, and we got dinner last night (I insisted on paying because he has bought nearly every meal for me!) and we ended up talking until like 10:30 last night. Conversation is easy with him and that feels great, but still nothing physical. I know everyone says to just make the move yourself, but I really hesitate to do that because it’s gone catastrophically wrong for me in the past. AUGH.
A guy who is offended by your moves is not a guy you would want anyway.
My office sometimes calls, sometimes not. You can always call them though! (Calling them sucks, but it’s better than wondering.)
I am super smitten with the guy I’ve been dating for a month who is too dang normal and well adjusted for a nickname. This is the first weekend since we started dating that we’re actually able to get together on the weekend and I’m super looking forward to it. It’s supposed to rain all weekend so we’re just hanging out watching some netflix. What should we watch?? Does anyone have favorite early-relationships shows/movies?
I won my date’s heart by getting him to watch Sleepy Hollow. Silly, has a cute protagonist couple with awesome chemistry, and have I mentioned silly? (Slightly gory at some times.)
EDIT: Oh, derp, I don’t know if it’s on Netflix. But maybe that’ll give you ideas. Good luck!
So far, I think my new dude is faking it. We’ve watched Clueless, Heathers, This is Spinal Tap, Working Girl… And he says he likes all of them! <3
But I would suggest any of those bc the whole time he was like “that’s where that phrase came from?” It was adorable!
UPDATE: I just called and the receptionist was like, “APRIL???”
And I had to say in a low voice because I’m in the office, “A STI test. Also a pregnancy test.”
She was like, “Hmmm. Well, you probably know about the pregnancy test by now. Was the STI test a urine or blood test?”
“Urine??”
And she was like, “Well, if we didn’t call you, you’re probably fine.”
OKAY???
Oh my god this is why people hate going to the doctor. “You’re probably fine” — I mean good, you probably ARE! But this is an important tidbit that would be very helpful to know for sure!
Ugh, I’ve been contemplating re-opening my account again. I blame Pride Month / binging OITNB. Somebody talk me out of it!! (or into it, longer summer days = more time to devote to my OKC hobby, right?)
ahhh, you reminded me that just a few days ago I was all ‘okay! Time to be responsible and go get tested!’ and then promptly completely forgot.
That’s going back on the to-do list! I am newly single and having hella fun rebounding so it is a thing I should get on.
Two guys at work keep calling me “dear” and I’ve had enough. One talks to me like a child, but he seems to do that to everyone. He also pointed out that I’m the only women in our weekly meetings with the client, thanks bud I hadn’t noticed. I’m 100% done with this project and am now regretting putting off all vacation until September, but I’m sure going home for a jazz and blues festival will be worth it.
When men at work point out that I’m the only woman in the room (which I am, very often, and I do notice every time) it puts me immediately on edge. Like by pointing it out, they removed some ward of protection I had around me, and suddenly the situation feels very dangerous.
I don’t mean to say my workplace IS dangerous, but pointing out how outnumbered I am spooks me terribly. And it has, in the past, been followed by harassment, so I’m not saying this in a vacuum.
It spooks me too, there’s no other reason for someone to bring that up other than to single you out and put you on edge. It’s a non-traditional field, and pointing that out forces me to work harder to prove my worth. In another meeting, a group of new grads were told that two of the men were experts and would be good resources with me sitting there (and having more industry experience than the both of them) feeling useless. Thankfully my department manager interrupted to include me, but that was really telling on where I’m perceived in the totem pole.
oh man, this one job I used to have, my first day when the manager was showing me around he said, “You’ve probably noticed that you’re the only woman here,’ and I, responding “WELL,” but unable to think of how to go on because a workplace where that is something you notice is not a workplace where you would ever bring it up, looked to him inquiringly for elaboration, and he said, reassuringly, “Oh, it’s just because [the owner]’s a misogynist, that’s why, you know, in case you were wondering.”
GOOD REASON, I said. And in fact it was fine because all he ever did to me was occasionally bark at a random male employee to demand that he drive me to the metro because he would not allow a woman to walk over there at midnight or whenever I got to go home, which seemed designed to turn all the guys against me by inconveniencing them, ostensibly for my benefit even though it was against my will. but they all had a lot of worker solidarity and never blamed me for it so it was all fine.
I’ve had the opposite happen on occasion (as a lawyer), where I’ll be participating in a hearing and the judge and all the other attorneys, doctors, et al., are all women. Sometimes the judge comments on it, and we all have a little chuckle and mentally high-five each other. Those are my favorite!
Ugh. Both sound gross. Have you tried the Carolyn Hax “… why do you say that? <quizzical smile>” tactic on the one who points out you’re the only woman?
Or a totally deadpan ‘what’s your point?’ also works well.
Last week I saw this person call for a self-insert fanart challenge and I thought that sounded like some fun so I threw this together. I’m not 100% thrilled with it (I haven’t done any art in a while, I’m out of practice, and it shows) but I had so much fun with it. I laughed out loud more than once while putting it together. The challenge isn’t actually until tomorrow, but since OT is today, y’all get a sneak preview.
Any other fanartists here?
that is ridiculous and lovely
Thank you! Definitely not my best work, but SO MUCH FUN.
That was so cool! Loved reading about the different materials you used!
Who wants to recommend to me a book? A psychological horror, crime type of book? A book you would recommend a friend if they really liked all of Gillian Flynn, really liked Girl on the Train, sorta liked The Husband’s Secret, really liked A Dark Adapted Eye and Ruth Ressler in general, really liked We Have to Talk About Kevin?
On Kindle? Please? I need2read.
Into the Woods, Tana French
The Snowman, Jo Nesbo
both are parts of series, Into the Woods is the first of that series, The Snowman is the most psychological of the Harry Hole novels
Second for all Tana French books
Third all Tana French books, especially the first two. Also, maybe The Secret History by Donna Tartt. Not exactly the same, but it’s a great crime book!
Into the Woods, maybe Fingersmith if you are OK with something a little more historical?
The Poison Tree, Erin Kelly is another good one https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9209512-the-p…
BY WOMEN is a priority ty
Omg, I haven’t heard of any of these! Thank you so much. I am gonna go on after work and get free samples and have a wonderful reading weekend. Thank you <3 Also more is gr8.
Justine Larbalestier’s _Liar_ — it is YA but otherwise right up that alley, and the author said one of the books you mentioned was one of her big inspirations — I am not saying which one because it is a book that is best read knowing nothing at all going into it.
Anything by Patricia Highsmith! I just checked and there are quite a few on the Kindle.
I haven’t read the Ripley novels (though they’re probably very good), but I’d recommend her book of short stories called “Eleven”, “The Cry of the Owl”, and “The Price of Salt”.
I am a huge fan of Heartsick (first in a series) by Chelsea Cain. It’s a nice reversal of the Silence of the Lambs effect and has some very tight breathless writing. It is pretty bloody which usually wracks up bonus points for me. Also, the Dexter series (very different from the tv series) are a ton of fun with a surprise magical realism element in the later books.
The Diver’s Clothes Lie Empty by Vendela Vida
AND it’s not coming out until August but go pre-order or reserve a library copy of In a Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware – it is FANFLIPPINTASTIC and will be “the next Gone Girl” even more than any of the previous “the next Gone Girl”s, god willing.
Out by Natsuo Kirino is one of my all-time favorites. I’ve read and re-read a few times, and every time I end up staying up well into the night so I can finish it in one sitting. It is GRIPPING.
Fourth(?)ing Tana French. I actually started on The Likeness, even though it’s technically a sequel to Into the Woods, but it’s following a different character so it doesn’t matter too much.
A Secret History is good if you don’t mind slower pacing.
I just finished Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng, and I would loosely categorize it in this genre. It centers around the mysterious death of a teenage girl, but not in a gross titillating way. It’s mysterious and I was pretty surprised at the end. But it is largely about how a million random impossibly to predict factors led to her death, and the implosion of her family afterward. Gorgeously written, finely observed.
Seconding “The Secret History” by Donna Tartt and “Fingersmith” by Sarah Waters.
Also, anything by Megan Abbott (Dare Me, The Fever, The End of Everything) or Laura Lippman (she has a long-running series but I kind of prefer her standalones). They were what I turned to when I ran out of Gillian Flynn novels.
Seconding the anything by Megan Abbott recommendation! I recently finished reading all her books and they’re so great. I’d especially recommend The End of Everything, The Song Is You, and Bury Me Deep.
Also, Fingersmith is a great book, but try Sarah Waters’ Affinity too!
The Aud Torvingen trilogy by Nicola Griffith. Scandanavian lesbian supreme bad ass ex-cop turned PI who gets her hands all kind of dirty. Very dark and gritty, but beautiful and sensual writing. No authors write hotter sex scenes than Griffith.
Griffith is so, so amazing. I love everything she writes, even her early novels which are a little clunky.
I really liked Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll (I listened to the audiobook).
Sister by Rosamund Lupton
I just finished The Winter People by Jennifer McMahon and I loooooved it. Anything by her that sounds good is a solid bet though.
DC Toastie book club read Helen Oyeyemi’s White is for Witching and everyone seemed to really enjoy that one.
Old and not by a lady, but very lady-centric is Ira Levin’s A Kiss Before Dying.
Also old and by one of my favorite noir authors: Vera Caspery’s Laura. There’s actually a moment where the detective character is thinking negatively about the titular character and how many boyfriends she’s had and then catches himself in that thought and amends it. Which, to me, was basically a miracle for a book published in 1942. It’s divided into three parts written from the perspective of three different characters and I enjoyed that aspect as well.
Anything by Jo Nesbo is something I can read in one or two sittings and without any feeling of ennui.
So I have bookmarked this and I’m so happy and I’m gonna start reading and report back next thread. Thank you all so much for giving me this 🙂
Winter is coming. Winter is ALWAYS coming.
but
Coincidentally, I rewatched the first episode of Game of Thrones last night. The joke’s probably already been made time and again, but so what:
Eeep you guys, my heart is overflowing for so many reasons! Mawwiage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, something awesome and wonderful but also inconvenient and complicated is happening in my life, and I need advice/support from my trusty Toasties:
I’ve had this awful crush on my best dudebro friend for like a year (the kind where he would go out on a date and I would do the HE CAN’T LIKE HER HE CAN’T LIKE ANYONE BUT MEEEEEEE wait what stop you don’t like him like that MARRY MEEEEEEEE) and, while he and I and a bunch of our other friends went on a group vacation together last week, he kissed me! And since then, we’ve done a lot of banging. The magical kind where, like, the darkness parts and the world is made of pizza and rainbows and baby basset hounds. This is great, right? Everything is perfect and wonderful, right?
Except it’s not. I’m moving to England for graduate school at the end of August. Help.
Tell him to move with you! I hear England is pretty nice!
I live by an Ask Polly line that told us all to Tackle the Motherfucking Shit Out of Love. Ask him to move with you! (In time). Life is wild! So are you!
Well, unfortunately it’s not quite that easy, what with visas and so on. Otherwise this would be a great solution.
Do you want him to follow you to England? Is this love or just Super Quality Banging? I mean, I know you’ve only been at this stage for a week, but if you’ve been BFFs for a long time…can you tell if it might (snort) go deeper for both parties? And he knows you’re leaving, right? So maybe if you want to start a conversation with him about it, lead in with something like “Ugh, it’s gonna suck when I go to England this August and we stop doing this” and see how he responds.
I’m definitely IN LOVE with him, and I know he is too (because he said so) and gahhhhhh. But, him coming with me is not really an option (visas, jobs, etc) and I’m having the battle between wanting to be with him so much, and wanting to be focused on my studies and learning/doing as much as I can.
I’m married to my LDR person, now, after a year and a half of long distance. My sibling is married to his lady after like… 4 years of LDR. – I’m of the opinion that if it’s the real shit, he’s your best friend + love, the LDR is totally workable. But if it’s anything less than that, prob not worth it. It sounds at least like you guys might be in a position to give it a shot, if you’re both in the same place! And frankly, if you’re anything like me, being in a fulfilling loving relationship actually gives me focus.
Uh not that marriage is the be -all end-all or marker for a successful relationship.
Ugh. Okay, so if his not coming with you isn’t an option, I think that actually makes this a little easier…in the long run, anyway. I bet after your first couple weeks in England, after the homesickness and missing-the-banging dies down a little bit, you’ll be able to focus on your studies and such. And then he can come visit between semesters or whatever they call them there!
Phew. Okay. Yes.
OH NO. NOOOO. That is wonderful but horrible at the same time! Does he seem the type of person to give long distance an actual try?
(also can you send some good juju into the world and make this happen with me and my best dudebro friend)
I think he would do it, and I would do it too, but the thing is, is that I was so accustomed to being unattached and so ready to go on to graduate school and make it the number 1 priority in my life and not be distracted by BOYS. Which, I know he supports me 100% and wouldn’t want to get in the way, but how many times will I just not do what I’m supposed to be doing because I want to talk to him/think about him instead?
WHAT IS LOVE.
Love is having someone who will be there to support you when you need it and leave you alone when you need it. If you both believe you can do that for each other, definitely talk to him about packing up and joining you.
awww yes that is perfect. if it’s great, you’ll have no problem taking a break from him to focus on school, because you won’t have to feel scared he’ll be gone when you come back. an awesome, loving boy won’t be a distraction (except when you really need one).
To throw a possible wrench into your thought-processes, Mr Dubh and I hooked up in May of sophmore year of college, in Ireland, shortly before I 1.) went home to NY for the summer and then 2.) spent junior year in Strasbourg, France, which is NOT convenient for travelling to cheaply, let me tell you. Then we had senior year near each other and did another three years long distance across teh atlantic.
TL;DR:
Long distance sucks dead bears but it can work out and do so wonderfully (same country for 4+ years now! Woohoo!)
I did a huge project for a friend, delivered it on Tuesday at 2 am, and have not heard back beyond the “wow, I’ll get to reading!” email.
Friend has seen my work before. I know he knows I can write. But I usually teach him how he can improve his own writing – this is the first time he’s hired me to take something he’s written and make it better. And I’m really nervous about it, because this guy is one of a group of guys that I used to look up to when I was 16 years old, and I apparently have not grown out of needing their approval.
This makes me feel very small and silly and ridiculous, but it is true.
What I want is for him to email me back and be like, “This is amaaaaaazing, you are the best, let’s talk about how we can collaborate on all these notes you left in here.” And what I am afraid of is that he will just . . . not say anything, because he secretly hates it, and I’ll find out later he reverted everything back to the horrible organizational structure he had before and my position as The One Who Knows Writing Stuff will be gone forever and everyone will talk about me behind my back saying things like “She thinks she knows what she’s doing but she ruined my thing.”
Even as I type it I see how ridiculous it really is but I feel very small and unsure and highschoolish again and it blows.
On the other hand, SCOTUS is killing it this week, so in the big picture, life’s pretty grand.
I totally understand this and I am there a lot more often than I would like to be when I put things I have created out to people. Take deep breaths! I am sure you know what you are doing, that is centred in you, not in his (or anyone else’s) opinion of you.
I am finally watching Sense8 and I have FEELINGS about it. I missed previous discussions because spoilers, so if you want to talk about it more with me I am here.
Also me!
Ah! I started the thread last week as I watched all of it and love it a lot. I still feel obsessed about it, and have read all the fan fic that there is. Where are you up to?
I just have the finale left! Which I will probably watch tomorrow, due to plans tonight.
The last episode is great. I feel a deep need to talk about it a lot of the time. The other day at work I overheard someone talking about it and I spun around and asked him if he’d watched the whole series and he had, and I got up and gave him a hug.
We’ve just watched ep 11! One more to go! It is so good!
I just watched episode 6 last night! I’m loving how rich these characters are!
Agreed, even minor supporting characters are surprisingly well rounded and not just to move the plot ahead. It really adds to the world-building aspect that you can see a whole life around each of these characters.
I was also struck by how much each story revolves around family (and chosen family) relationships.
I’m here for this conversation!
I’m four episodes in to my rewatch, and I’ve been looking for evidence to support my theory that each episode is about an emotion. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Ep 1: Confusion? (This doesn’t really fit)
Ep 2: Fear
Ep 3: Despair (or, like the feeling of being trapped? claustrophobia maybe?)
Ep 4: Joy
Ep 5: ?
Ep 6: Love
Ep 7: ?
Ep 8: ?
Ep 9: Grief
Ep 10: ?
Ep 11: Courage/Bravery
Ep 12: ?
Anyone else have thoughts?
I’ve read and discussed with smeesmeesmee, (and I can see it) that each sensate has their own ‘style’: Lito’s story is filmed like a telenovela, Capheus is in a B-action movie, Will, Riley, and Nomi are in a conspiracy thriller, Kala is in a love story, and Wolfgang is in a Russian gangster movie. Each one seems to have a different kind of filming style a bit.
Yes! It’s like watching a bunch of mini-movies inside of a television series, and is much more interesting and complex than, for example, Lost.
I think I will have to re-watch with this in mind, but I love that you’ve thought this out.
So far my thoughts have been pretty random, like:
1. Why are these lesbians spending so much time in the Marina?
2. Nomi’s MOM ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH stabstabstab
3. Amanita’s Mom <3 <3 <3
4. I want to go out with Hernando, please universe find me this man
5. How do members of other clusters connect to them like that?
6. I don’t think girls were named Riley until a few years ago, and I’m pretty sure Icelandic naming rules would forbid it but whatever
7. Wait, is Amanita…. Martha?
8. We really need someone else who can fight besides Sun… oh. Good.
Hello, Toast. I’ve been sitting on this comment for a couple of weeks now because… well, it’s going to make me look really bad. I hesitated about even posting under this name. However, something is eating at me so severely that I have to ask: how do you deal with guilt?
I made a mistake, I behaved foolishly, and I betrayed someone. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It is not going to happen again, and I have taken steps to ensure that.* But… now I can’t stand myself. I think about it all. the. time. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus on work. It’s haunting me. I haven’t told anyone. If I were to confess to the person I betrayed, I believe it would not be productive and would only cause harm. I don’t know what to do.
I know I don’t deserve to feel better, per se, but for two weeks I’ve been obsessed with this and I just… I don’t know how to move on, or if I should. Is this something that will fade with time? Is it… ok, not to tell the person? I’m so, so angry for even putting myself in that position.
*I have cut a predatory friend out of my life. This is complicated and comes with another set of issues, which I am also struggling to deal with, but for now I’m most focused on the guilt.
Oh honey. That sounds pretty rough.
Yes, it will fade with time.
I mean, we can’t tell you if it’s ok not to tell the person you say you’ve betrayed. But sometimes it is ok and the right thing to do, for sure. Maybe this is one of those times.
Are there any steps you can take to right the wrong you did? Sometimes guilt is like panic, and it clouds your thinking. Take some time and a deep breath and then consider if there are reparations that can/should be made.
Would you be so hard on a beloved friend who did what you did? I think probably not. Try to be kind with yourself. The thing about loving yourself is that it’s the same as loving someone else. Sometimes (often) it requires forgiveness. Love is not just for the light times, but also for the dark. You’re remorseful, you’re learning, you’re taking steps to not repeat your mistake. That’s what we expect from good people. So you’re a good person.
I whole-heartedly second thinking of a friend or loved one in a similar situation. This helps me forgive myself a little in moments like yours.
Sincere thanks for your kind comment.
I am not sure if I will tell him or not. In any case, I didn’t want to tell him until I’d taken concrete action to prevent it happening again, which I have. (And it’s not even that it WOULD happen again—I am positive it won’t—but I wanted to kind of have evidence that I was doing something about it, you know?) I need to figure out if confessing would genuinely help anything, or if it would be me dumping out my feelings because I can’t stand harboring the guilt alone. We’ll see.
Thank you again.
I can’t comment on your decision not to tell anyone because I don’t know specific details but it sounds like you’re taking steps to be accountable and prevent further mistakes. It also sounds like you care more about the hurt you’ve caused than its potential consequences for you. Your acute sense of guilt will fade and you’d do well to let it as long as you’re mindful of how shitty it was to hurt someone else.
Believe me—so super aware of the shitty.
(Reply to Battle_Swine in case IntenseDebate eats this.)
It sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot.
People don’t often own their mistakes, especially in a public forum like this. This post makes me see you as very brave. I don’t know what happened or whether you need to tell the person in question. If they are in danger, yes- if they are going to find out anyway- those are the two instances that come to mind that would probably require some notification.
Like SmokeShow, I have “been there” as well. If I could I would hug you. Just reading your post I feel a great deal of compassion for you. It worries me how much this has taken over your life.
It’s hard, but try to separate this from the other areas of your life. Think of it this way: actions have consequences, yes. But your one mistake does not need to throw the rest of your life in turmoil. Confine the mistake to its proper silo– only you know how big or small that needs to be– and continue eating and sleeping as best you can (use sleeping pills if you must) and going to work and taking care of yourself in your usual ways. Give yourself a set amount of time to dwell, and then cut yourself off.
Oh, man. Thank you. I didn’t see your comment at first because I didn’t get an email about it… just had to shut my office door so I could cry a little bit. Thank you for the words and the virtual hug. Confine the mistake to its proper silo—I like that. I’m going to try my best.
I know these feels. I liked to imagine that they were a sharp, pointy crystal, which I then imagined was an ice crsytal, which I then imagined SHOVING DIRECTLY INTO MY HEART where I watched it melt. In retrospect, I am not sure this helped. But the feels did pass.
*hugs*
Thank you <3
Guilt is a horrible monster of a feeling.
I can’t tell you whether or not you should tell the person you betrayed. But if you did — would it just be to make yourself feel better, or would telling them have an actual benefit to them? Also, is there a chance they will find out through other means farther down the line? Imagine what it would be like for them to discover this in, say, a year. I don’t think telling is necessarily required if they are not going to find out otherwise, and if it didn’t put them in danger. But only you can do that math.
You’re not a bad person. A bad person wouldn’t be going through this much anguish and trying so hard to prevent it from happening again. Try to give yourself a break.
I’m having a hard time imagining any benefit, except the vaguest-possible “I tell you everything, and now I’m telling you this thing, because I’m honest with you,” which… is a stretch and probably a ploy to feel better about myself. This person is also having a hard time right now because of outside circumstances, which is another reason I wouldn’t want to tell quite NOW, if I do decide to. I don’t want to compound it.
I suppose it is theoretically possible that he could find out otherwise, if the aforementioned predatory former-friend turns out to be even more sociopathic than I realized, but I believe that is unlikely. (No threat of physical danger, though, but it certainly would tear him up emotionally.)
Thanks for the advice. I will continue trying to battle (hah) the horrible monster of a feeling, as you so rightly put it.
Oh so I knew we all said everything we could last week but ANOTHER THING I HATED ABOUT JURASSIC WORLD was that Chris Pratt and the Capitalist Lady went on ONE date but they seethed with such familiar hatred it was exactly like they were divorced. Like they were supposed to be the divorced parents but then they were like “that’s TOO Jurassic 3”. When all that happened on their date is they rubbed each other the wrong way. Had to get that out there.
Related = last night I watched the original Jurassic Park movie with my sisters (who have not seen Jurassic World yet) and after being struck anew at how awesome the first one was, I could not stop telling them all my problems with Jurassic World. I didn’t want to overwhelm with spoilers and yet I COULD NOT STOP.
I missed last week’s thread on this, so I am happy to reopen it because my god did I hate this movie. How did they make me hate Chris Pratt? HOW? THAT SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE.
I have yet to see it yet, but it kiiiiiiinda sounds like this summer’s Star Trek: Into Darkness? Continuation of classic nerd series -> hype + hunky actors -> reviews saying “it’s okay?” -> strange, retro sexism that is more sexist than the original -> ultimate dawning conclusion that the film is actually everything wrong with modern Hollywood.
It didn’t even feel like a movie. As a toastie so astutely pointed out, if the adult protagonists never went out of their mission/plotline, everything would have turned out the same. It was just a shitty build-up to dinosaurs and violence and sexism and torture porn and biology out the window and animal psychology out the window and theme park logic out the window and everything was out the window, and the only thing left was men.
It’s just written with such relentless inattention to detail. It’s a triumph of mediocrity and UGH I thought I was over it but NOPE.
I mean, it appears that after the date he sexually harassed her at every opportunity, so I can see how that would lead to seething hatred. It’s the part where she stopped hating him that I found implausible.
And then they kiss* (or he kisses her, anyway, ugh)! For some reason? And!!!!!! then even though Capitalist Lady (amazing!) has been demonstrably tough and kind of badass (sensibly recruits for personal assistance/keeps up with the guy I have to pretend is Not Chris Pratt/tracks down goddamn annoying nephews through the jungle in heels/picks up gun and saves Not Chris Pratt from …the flying dinosaurs, whatever they were, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM) her goddamn annoying nephews spend the whole rest of the movie talking about how they want to be around him instead of her because he’s more badass? I wanted to like it so much!!! And it was such a sexist clusterfuck.
*It occurred to me the other day when I watched Jurassic Park that Drs. Grant and Sattler never kiss! They hug a bunch, they’re clearly intimate and involved, but there’s no kissing, and yet the ten minutes of relationship that we actually see before dinosaur shenanigans is approximately 500% more romantic than the entirety of the NCP/CL interaction, including the kissing.
I kind of think the NCP/CL thing was supposed to be a sort of bantery/His Girl Friday thing, but they failed …horribly.
Anecdote about living alone: Last night, I lay spread out on my bed in nothing but panties, with soul music playing on my little speaker, and fell asleep briefly because I was so chilled out. I remember thinking about the moment in the moment, savouring that I was doing what I wanted to without bugging anyone, and nobody was bugging me. No kids, no significant other, no sex partner, and I was pleased. I want to hang onto this moment for later.
Anecdote about pregnant friend: At 18 weeks, she really wants to look pregnant (for … a variety of reasons, I guess?) and yesterday she was pulling up her shirt and going on about how huge she felt. I looked at her belly and she literally looked like me. I’ve got a belly, and I was like, “HONEY.”
Anecdote about Detroit: Don’t have any yet! I’m headed out next week, on my own as my friend opted out due to funds (I had also planned for this). Taking a bus! I’m nervous but excited. Diego and Frida, here I come!
I was doing what I wanted to without bugging anyone, and nobody was bugging me.
I know that feeling about wanted to hang onto those pleasant alone moments, and I actually have a memento of one that I’ve kept for years. It was a summer during college, I was camping with a bunch of friends who ALL seemed to be paired up and making out. It was getting super late, like 5am late, and it seemed like all of the tents were occupied with people hooking up. I felt so shitty and single and I didn’t want to be there anymore. Nobody noticed when I slipped off down a trail to the lake near the campground. I watched a perfect sunset in perfect silence, saw fish leaping out of still water and heard birds waking up and singing. I wouldn’t have seen any of that if I were one of the people making out by the campfire. And as I was walking back I found this exquisite piece of petrified wood lying in the sand. It’s really cool in its own right, but every time I see it I think about how peaceful it is to be alone sometimes.
That is really beautiful. I love it.
This, just, gives me hope. What a fantastic reminder to savor those “alone” moments, even when they’re super crappy sometimes.
Sincerely,
Another Alone Person Who Can’t Imagine Being Awake & Alone & Surrounded By Everyone Banging In Tents, I Mean, My God.
That pretty much sums up why I love living alone. I should possibly pay more attention to when the window cleaners are coming though, in terms of wandering round in my underwear – I live on the 2nd floor so mostly it’s perfectly safe, escept when it isn’t.
Right now my partner is at work and I have the apartment to myself and I am sprawled across the bed NUDE and SIDEWAYS (as is my right) reading the toast and listening to music and gazing out the window. Life is super.
Hope you got her shenanigans on video to show back to her when she’s at 35 weeks.
living alone is fucking *glorious*. one of my personal favorites is going full starfish as lie alone in my queen size bed. ALL MINE!
I have a remote protocol today, which means I can sit with this patient and observe him while being apart from the drama back at the research office. (I’m typing this on my phone.) Also, I fly up to Portland tonight and I’ll spend the weekend looking at apartments! And when I get back, it’s 3 more days of work here in Dallas, and then I’m GONE. And I got tickets to Night On the Towns and Marina and the Diamonds yesterday! AND I WATCHED THE NEWS WITH MY PATIENT AND HOLY CRAP.
So yes, I’d say today is going well.
Happy Equal Rights WEEK!!! I am SO HAPPY YALL! The gay mens choir singing uplifting freedom anthems from musicals had me WEEPING IN PUBLIC. AND we have healthcare! AND we have Fair Housing! EQUALITY!
I’m having pretty complex feelings. I am so, so happy that I now have the right to be married to my partner, and that marriage equality extends to couples in every state. I’m also appalled that it was a 5-4 decision, and there are 4 bigots on the supreme court. A good day over all, and I’m thrilled that we have a victory.
I was just about to start a COMPLEX FEELINGS thread when I saw this. I am also extremely happy that the decision went the way it did, but my heart was hammering for a while after I read just one pull quote from Scalia (why did I do that to myself? I don’t know).
My fiancee was working on the reference desk in the library, and when I was able to go see her on my break (we work in the same building, which is nice!) she told me multiple people had “congratulated” her. That just rubs me so wrong–like, congratulations, you are now (more) equal. I’m obviously all for people being happy for us, but I wish it didn’t feel like we were re-announcing our engagement.
I’m also bracing for the backlash, especially in a state that is among the worst for equality. I’ll just put aside some time to eat gummy bears and feel things over the next few days.
I feel like Roberts would have voted for if the outcome was in doubt. Not for any altruistic reason, but I think he’s trying to play both sides of “appealing to the right wing” and preserving his legacy as a decent Chief Justice.
My Facebook has exploded with these news today, and we’re not even Americans. My GF cries every time another country legalizes marriage. She’s on her way home to celebrate with me because our fellow queers in America can marry each other. This is echoing around the world. I’m so happy for you.
The 5-4 sucks, BUT also it’s a sign that the movement really has its shit together. They managed to get this all the way to the supreme court literally as fast as possible, as soon as there was a real possibility for a majority decision. 5 progressives are more than 4 bigots, no matter how bigoted those bigots are. This ensures the maximum possible amount of gay marriages in America’s future, because the activists got this case there so quickly. That’s an amazing accomplishment.
Still in Williamsburg, still melting, but now with delicious, delicious primary sources. I would like to thank the Rockefeller library and the fact that Shirley plantation apparently kept everything a Carter ever glanced at for having all their records. Particularly the long, long, LONG letters from the one guy who happened to be on the same expedition as my guy and apparently was bffs with him. So many references. So many pages. Such tiny writing. But actual personalities.
My favorite bit is when he complains that he may catch the ‘punning fever’ that is sweeping the officer’s mess. My guy is apparently the worst and most unrepentant of the punners.
“The worst and most unrepentant of the punners” is pretty much the best conceivable thing to learn from primary sources.
I could not be happier. Thus far the man’s personality seems to consist of art and questionable puns. And I still have a good twelve letters to go.
At first I thought the shadow was you, wearing a top hat while reading.
That handwriting is CHARMING.
A researching top hat has now moved to the top of my needs list.
And Mr RR Carter does have lovely handwriting. I know I couldn’t do so well if I had to write on tissue paper in a gale.
I think you need to share all the puns that you find during your research. Historical puns!
So far the closest I’ve come to a pun is an aside that notes that they call the expedition’s entomologist ‘Bugs’. Not good enough.
I will report back if anything more worthy appears.
Gold was struck and I finally found actual historical puns. They are in page two of the comments now. My joy knows no bounds.
Your guy is a historical person after my own heart. THE WORSE THE PUN, THE BETTER.
I could not be happier. His defining personal trait? Puns.
This is fucking beautiful.
It is not really so bad for we all manage to laugh, joke, quiz, and argue and Boggs to pun very much as men do when at their ease.
I am so stoked. The odds of striking gold on the very first page of the first letter were so slim.
Dog thread! Corgi belly!
Bonus corgi pics in the reply.
Corgi butt:
So regal:
I’m always in for corgi pics. <3
D’ahhhhhh! The sweet face! De widdle floofy pants sjfjgfjglgkh
Ugh. I miss my dog so much it hurts.
ohhhh buddyyyyyyy [grabby hands at big corgi ears]
I am across the country from my dog for a month and I miss him soooo much. It’s not even good you guys. 🙁
A big box came and girl dog immediately climbed in. This is where she goes to nap in the sun or to sulk.
Yes corgis are very regal. Such majestic beasts.
Hahaha this is great!
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY this is a glorious morning YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seattle toasties!
I’ll be visiting from Portland on the weekend of July 18. Is anyone interested in a meet up around the Time Traveler’s Rummage sale? (here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/events/671947216243897/ ) I’ll be by myself and I’d love to get a chance to meet some of you.
I asked in the Seattle Toast facebook page but no one replied yet.
Oh, I missed that post somehow. It is sometimes hard for me to get into the city on weekends, but I will try!
It’s not well advertised for some reason. Since it’s happening in a few weeks, I’ll post a reminder a week before in case people forget.
Fashion Thread!
I got nothing this week, but share what makes you feel fabulous, ask the cloud to find you witchy dresses that are appropriate for your sister-in-law’s baby shower, and debate romper vs playsuit vs jumpsuit terminology!
a romper is shorts, a jumpsuit is pants, and a playsuit is…i don’t know.
i spent $150 on two bras this week. even the freaking nordstrom here in san francisco didn’t carry 30F(G? DDDD? i’m still confused) in the bra i wanted in any color except bright pink, so i had to order them through the mail. overall, it hurt my wallet but i’d rather my wallet hurt than my back! bless you, freya, for your bosom-supporting fortitude.
Must be the week for bra shopping- I spent $100 on two sports bras because all of mine are either ancient and barely supportive or new-ish and not at all supportive. On the other hand, shopping at Title Nine was fun in a girl power kind of way, and the sales ladies were very helpful when I expressed a desire for sports bras that flatten. And now I own bras that will lock this nonsense down.
Fashion-related: I finally found someone to give me lessons on how to fully use the many functions of my serger and I can finally get started on all these thrift-store clothing refashions I’ve been planning in my head. VERY EXCITED to see if this stuff works as well in reality as it does in my brain.
YAY! for sewing experiments!!
Oh yay! I’m glad someone finally came through! (You were mentioning this in last week’s thread right?)
I bought one of those denim A-line skirts with the buttons last weekend! I have been wanting one for a while and I am wearing it now. I feel very ’70s. It’s this one from Topshop:
I bought a jumpsuit (and a romper) to wear on vacation and I did and they were perfect but now that I am back from vacation they languish in my closet – so this weekend I am going to wear one of them Out In Public and it’s going to be fab.
I’ve been hitting up Old Navy as often as I can and picking up what stock they have left of their men’s boxer briefs. Some cute prints (I got ones with whales, naval flags, dots) and they’re soooooooooooooooo comfy. They sit higher and have a nice, wide elastic waistband. Love.
Someone just needs to make boxer-briefs for women and sell them in department stores. I don’t understand why this hasn’t happened yet. They are The Best.
There are Hanes boxer-briefs for women. I have some and they are pretty good. Shorter in the leg than the men’s kind, but otherwise basically the same.
i forgot pajamas last time i visited my parents, and ended up just buying a 4-pack of hanes boxer briefs.
i was amazed by the INCREDIBLE COMFINESS (cotton! stretchy!) and also…pretty sexy.
aaaaaaa thank you this is the best tip. I totally need boxer-briefs and would never have thought to try Old Navy.
I’ve been wanting to find a neon pink bra in my size for a while. I finally found one and got it and the matching bottoms two weeks ago and they’re great and I’m very happy to add them to my too full underwear drawer.
I started paring down my closet earlier this week and had kind of a weird mental phase where I contemplated the philosophy of a full closet when you’re accustomed to lifelong poverty and thrift shopping is your only outlet.
Suddenly today I’m like “fuck this shit, I am consigning literally everything except my favourite jeans and two dresses.” wtf brain.
Toastfriends, I know a teen who recently started menstruating. This child has ADHD and developmental delays, so the I and the rest of the adults who love her have been preparing her in small doses for years now. She has asked questions, we have constructed short, factual answers. She happens to be fascinated with human biology, so we gave her a book about how girls bodies mature. She came to know much more about menstruation than I did as a teen.
Finally, the day came. Grinning, she ran to her mother and breathlessly announced she found blood in her panties. She asked does it mean she’s becoming a woman? Yes, her mother said. Congratulations. The ensuing week was happy and not too messy.
A month later, the child’s mother saw her lounging and said Oh, I see a stain on you pants. Hurry to the bathroom and get cleaned up. Your second period just started.
With saucer eyes, the child said, horrified, Again?!
We somehow missed teaching her this was not a one-time event.
AHAHAHAHAHA. Bless. Now I’m going to go watch those amazing Camp Gyno ads again.
This both adorable and so so sad. The poor girl. I’ve been dealing with it for … oh dear lord, 14.5 years at this point, and I still have trouble accepting “Again?!”
I feel the same way, although my lack of understanding about periods was that at the beginning – and for some women forever – they do not happen at exactly the same time every month. I truly thought I would get it, and then 30 to 31 days later, I would get it again, and it would continue that way for all of time. After a month and a week of not having a period, I went to my mom very concerned that I was pregnant. (I was 11 and had never kissed anyone. I was not pregnant.)
When I was a kid, I had a book about puberty, so I guess my mom thought I was prepared. I knew that it happened every month… but not that that it happened continuously for several days each month! I thought it was just one time per month. I was very confused when I kept bleeding after the first few minutes.
My younger sister and I were prepared in the same way as you, with the books — and she failed to understand that it did stop at all? When she started her first period she thought that she would bleed everyday forever. Which is the opposite of RoseCamelia’s teen and your experience!
It was nice to reassure her on the morning of her first period that — oh, yes, this is going to stop in about a week. And then you get 3 free weeks!
This is the perfect combination of horrifying and hilarious. I love it.
Favorite anecdote of the week!
OMG I feel so bad laughing at this poor child learning that yes, they are a joyless cycle, but this anecdote is hilarious.
Don’t feel bad. I laughed so loud when her mother told me, everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. And I love this child to pieces.
D:
Oh my god, this is amazing and hilarious. She’s lucky to have such great grownups in her life. And yes, alas, poor girl, it is going to happen again. And again. And again.
I am mentally storing this away as to not make this mistake with my daughter…
RIGHT? I don’t know that I would necessarily remember to say out loud “By the way, this lasts for 3-7 days, depending, and it happens roughly every month for the next 40 years, depending.” Partially because I am not a good teacher on any subject, and partially because why traumatize the kid? She’s already seeing blood where she’s never seen it before, after sprouting hair where she’s never sprouted it before, and her voice changing like it’s never changed before.
Man, puberty is the worst. I’m really glad I’m done and I’ve got a good 15-20 years until menopause.
Due to a confusing sex-ed video, for a couple of years when I was a child I thought periods were just something all teenagers got whenever they were angry and had an argument. I don’t think I was aware they involved bleeding? Until my Mum was like, “no, that’s not what a period is.”
YESSSSSSS
I was like “what is all this crying that everyone seems to be doing? What’s up with that?”. And then this happened.
OMG, I love this, and that it seems to be referencing the cover of The Suffragist when the 19th Amendment was ratified!! http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/files/2008/1…
Welp, that set me off again. :’)
Sorry, I fail at embedding!! Thanks for clicking through anyway. 🙂
Do you have a link to the cartoon you shared?
I just stuck it on my Tumblr. Do as you wish! http://elitzan.tumblr.com/post/122512276982
perfect illustration!!! Justice & Liberty together at last!
Oh god, this picture. Yes. Liberty and Justice.
yes I said yes I will Yes
Do you think the Scalia children awoke today with a chill in their bones and thought, “Winter is coming”?
Because it’s gonna be pretty frosty around La Casa Scalia this weekend. *wriggles with spiteful joy*
I should also add that I think the liberal justices should postpone any previously planned hunting expeditions with Nino.
I love the idea that he had to spend all of yesterday in an even fouler mood than I imagined because he knew what today was going to bring.
I was entertained by this humor piece. And then I realized I kind of wanted it to be true. http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/sc…
Scalia’s in his late seventies, so if his kids are still at home, they’ve got other problems.
Nah, he is EXACTLY the kind of Catholic patriarch who hosts pretty-much-mandatory Sunday dinners, at which his 54 children have to sit and listen to him harrumph. He will also insist on carving the roast, even though EVERYONE KNOWS that Helen’s husband is better at it.
(I may be projecting.)
What? I’m a lifelong Catholic (grew up in thinking 5 kids was the low end of average, mass-text prayer requests, the whole nine yards) and I’ve never encountered this as a Catholic thing. It sounds unbelievably WASPy to me. Anyone else? (And yes, I know this is a tangent.
I pulled this directly from my experience with my giant Irish Catholic family (specifically my grandfather and Uncle Mike). But your mileage may vary! 🙂
Actually, my Uncle Mike is also a judge, out there determining peoples’ fates. Which is terrifying.
Okay! My family is half Irish-Catholic and half Polish-Catholic, so that may have something to do with it.
Oh man you guys, it’s been a weird week. I’m beyond thrilled about all the SCOTUS decisions that have come down- it’s been beautiful and uplifting and wonderful.
But also, my grandma died on Wednesday and I’ve been struggling with the fact that I’m…not really that sad?
She was a pretty not-great woman and she made my mom’s life hell and she never liked me or either of my cousins very much (she looooooved my sister, which my sister did not appreciate). Everything only got worse as she got older and every time she had a health scare I’d think how much easier my mom’s life would be without her.
So yeah, I haven’t really been able to cry or anything and I feel like I should but…it’s just been weird.
Bring me your fluff fic please? Or we can talk about the complex nature of grief, whatever floats your boat.
Dude, grief is complicated and weird and I am happy to talk about the complex nature of grief all day every day. I loved my maternal grandma like crazy and she loved me and I was still totally relieved when she died, because she had dementia and my mother’s siblings had all moved far enough away that my mom was stuck dealing with all the doctor’s appointments and all the stuff at the nursing home and it was crap for my mom. I was not sad, because the woman in that nursing home hadn’t really felt like my grandma for a couple of years, didn’t even know what city I lived in, wasn’t really able to thank my mom for all she did, and just made our lives harder. I mean, I cried at the funeral? I gave a lovely eulogy? But life has been so much easier for all of us in the nearly three years since she passed away.
Yep, I was in a very similar situation when my maternal grandma died last month. It was awkward feeling basically nothing at the funeral, but she was so far gone at that point that her death seemed like no more than a formality.
My maternal grandma passed a few months ago after years of dementia. :/ I loved her, and she loved me, and the last time I saw her she probably couldn’t tell you who I was but her face lit up when I walked in the room. By the time she slipped away, there was nothing of her left. I was sad when it happened, but sadder at the way it happened and what had led up to it.
Such complicated feelings. Peace and comfort to all who mourn, and to all who feel like they ought to but the whole situation is such a mess that they find themselves reacting differently than the script says.
I feel like that’s going to be me when my grandmother dies. She’s 94. She had a stroke a few months ago, and then another one, and it’s like her memory is just… gone. My mother is with her right now and she said she has lucid moments, but most of the time she seems to think she’s still a young girl living with her family in the country, and she doesn’t understand who my mother is or why she won’t let her go “out in the yard” (my grandmother has been living in the same 7th-floor apartment for the past 60 years).
I called earlier today and heard my mom asking her, “Do you want to talk to winterbymorning?” and my grandmother answered, “I don’t know who that is.”
There’s just… nothing that can be done, and she’s not going to get better, and it all feels pretty pointless. :/
Fuck “should”. It’s more than OK that you’re not really that sad that grandma is no longer living. And it’s good that your mom’s life will be easier without her. I’m sorry you’re struggling. That’s OK too. Conflicting emotions are hard, but not wrong. Toastfriends got your back.
Thanks. I wouldn’t say that to my mom or anyone else in my family (except my sister who Gets It), but it’s really hard for me to work up that much emotion. I feel sad for what my mom is going through and for the fact that there really aren’t many people to mourn for her, but I’m mostly relieved that my mom never has to go to Florida again if she doesn’t want to.
Oooh yeah, when my dad’s mother died it was a lot like that. I don’t think it’s that uncommon, if that helps. It can even be a relief in a lot of ways. Everyone processes death differently but EVERYONE brings their own history to it, too.
Head up. No guilt. Be sad if you’re sad, and don’t feel bad if you’re aren’t.
Hey girl, it is fine to feel your feelings. I didn’t mourn my grandfather; he was not a good man, and had outlived one of his sons who WAS a good man.
So I am HERE for you with fic recs. What are your fandoms/pairings? I SHALL FETCH IT FOR YOU. There’s a really cute one I revisited recently about Sirius Black and Remus Lupin stuck in a boiler room, you want that one?
Ha that sounds great!
Really, I’ll take any Avengers funny/fluffy fic. I tend to steer towards Darcy/Steve, but I’ll take anything that involves the team being adorable/adorable assholes. My main fic fandoms right now are Avengers/MCU and The 100, but I also do love me a good Marauder’s era fic (so yes, I will be reading that boiler room story!).
Oh god, have you read “Steve Rogers: PR Disaster“? Subtitle: The Story of Steve “Walking PR Nightmare” Rogers, and How For a Short While He Single-Handedly Destroyed the Emotional Health of Eva Laura Ortiz, His Now Ex-Publicist. If not, then ENJOY!
And I will find you more post-lunch.
Oh, and that same writer also gave us “Mistake on the Part of Nature” in which Bucky Barnes discovers that Gros Michel bananas are no longer a thing and our modern agricultural strains are garbage.
I have not read either of them and now I am SUPER EXCITED THIS IS AWESOME. THANK YOU.
Okay, that’s awesome. I love crazy botany things, and that someone wrote it into a fanfic is great.
Oh, honey, did you call the family members of your generation and sing “Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!” without even saying “hello” first? Because that’s what I did when my narcissistic nightmare grandma finally died (peacefully in her sleep, because the Universe is Not Just). You don’t have to feel anything beyond what you’re feeling.
No, I didn’t go that far (though my sister and I talked a bit about how weird it was). But yeah, it’s hard to mourn much for a narcissistic alcoholic who didn’t like anyone and pretty much had no friends at the end.
Hey, fellow unloved grand-daughter of an alcoholic narcissist! It’s a big club, apparently. At my grandpa’s funeral, when I was 12 and devastated by the loss of the only non-parent adult in my family who demonstrated that they actually appreciated me as a human being (haven’t recovered yet, 20 years later), my grandma made sure to let me know how much time my grandpa spent with the younger girl child of my aunt’s BFF, and also, how pretty that little girl was, and how she was going to grow up to be such a heart-breaker.
She destroyed my aunt, engulfed my uncle like some crazy spider and took over his entire life, and my mom high-tailed it out of there as soon as she could. Some people don’t deserve to be mourned. I can look back with distance now she’s been gone for 10 years and feel a great deal of sympathy for a woman who should never have had children in an era when she could not say no to that life, but can’t excuse her personality disorder.
We should have T-shirts made!
Our ~favorite~ thing she did as a kid was leave the price tags on all our presents. My little sister would always get the most expensive one, my girl cousin and I would get something in the middle, and my boy cousin would get something from the 99 cent store. She HATED him and he hated her right back. And my sister loathed that she got all her attention because it was not much fun.
When my grandmother died, my father and I were extremely relieved. She was a unpleasant woman when she had all her faculties, and then proceeded to outlive her faculties by a good ten years so that she was just a ball of unfocused rage and unhappiness without the ability to function normally. We got a little teary at her funeral, but all in all I am not sad. She lived a long life (even though she was a pill for most of it) and she’s no longer stuck in a nursing home due to dementia. My father put off so much of his life because he was always dealing with her. It’s okay to not be sad or to be relieved when someone dies.
I think that feeling is ok. When my dad’s dad died, there was more a general sense of relief than sadness. He was getting manipulative and mean towards the end, exacerbated by senility. And mostly my mom had to deal with it while working night shifts at the ICU and raising two kids (he would do things like claim in public that my mom was mistreating him or stealing his money which of course were flat out lies).
I barely mourned my grandma, and she wasn’t even a bad person, just kinda bitchy (in a kind of amusing way: she kept a running tally of who would and would not be allowed to attend her funeral, as if it would be the social event of the century). But I didn’t know her that well, she was 93 (and for at least ten years before that my parenta would tell me to be nice and wave as we left because “it could be the last time”) and when people offered me condolence hugs I didn’t know how to respond because I didn’t feel that sad? I mean, shameful confession: one of my parents’ cats died unexpectly a few weeks before she did and that hit me a lot harder.
Tl; dr: grief is weird, no need to add guilt to it.
May I join you in this pity party? My grandma is slowly going senile, and since my mom is the closest kid with the least obligations, she’s had to do basically everything for her. The lady is a xenophobic alcoholic with a horrendous short-term memory, nobody’s been able to stand her since Grandpa died, and the day she finally goes into a home is going to be a relief for everybody involved. But my mother is understandably torn up over the fact that she’s losing her mom in bits and pieces.
It’s worse, in a way, when you lose somebody you should have been close to but weren’t. I always have this feeling of guilt over not being sadder, like I’m supposed to shove a certain number of misery tokens into the Grief Machine before acceptance pops out, and I’ve skipped a bunch of steps in that process. But on the bright side, whatever death is like, the dead person isn’t concerned with what people on Earth think of them anymore.
You’re not obligated to feeling anything beyond what comes organically. Same boat when my grandma passed. Sorry she died, but her alcoholic racist twattery and verbal abuse have not been missed.
YOU KNOW
A lot of people in my family died, and I did not really care because I was not close to them and I knew they were going to die, and then other people were like “something is wrong w you”. And I almost thought about believing it.
And then my cat I had since I was 12 died. And I cried, and woke up crying, and went to sleep crying, and I missed him.
It was a huge revelation! You don’t have to love people??? And you miss the people you love????? And your emotions are reacting to the emotional weight someone had with you? I mean all this seems obvious but… really was not to small and medium-sized me.
I sometimes worry that I’m an emotionless robot – beyond my immediate family, I just don’t care about my relatives that much – and then a few months my parents emailed me to let me know that one of our cats was very ill and the thought of her dying left me in tears for hours. (She’s okay – having what appears to be a series of small strokes, and going blind, but quite happy and normal when not in the immediate aftermath of a stroke, thankfully.) It was a weird relief to be reminded that I could feel like that.
Cats give such gifts, don’t they? =^o,o^= “we both know how to love, unlike other people we know”.
My not-great grandma who makes lives hell went into hospice several weeks ago and is continuing to live just to spite us all. So nothing to add, but fistbump of solidarity.
It is totally okay to not be sad when someone not that great who actively makes your life/the life of someone you love harder! I have been waiting for my mother’s father to die and put us all out of our misery for ..24 years (I’m 31) – like, there’s grief there, but it’s grief that my family got saddled with an abusive, alcoholic pederast rather than someone that might have been good to all of us – some people just never earn the kind of grief where you’re sad you’ll never see them again. It sucks, but – love and grief are pretty exhausting – save the energy for the people that deserve it.
Has anyone ever gotten their nose re-set after a break and have a story of how it was totally fine and not terrifying to have someone break your nose while you sit there awake and waiting for it?
I have no stories for you, but I am simply impressed with your badassery to sit there and let someone break your nose. Total badass.
Well, my appointment isn’t for 10 days, so level of bad-assary is TBD.
I am mostly anxious about it and am not sure what to expect.
Yeah, pretend you’re a captured cop in a badass Hong Kong triad movie, and you’re snarling, “I’ll never give into you!”
“Say it. Say Jurassic World is a good movie.”
*spits blood* “Fuck you”
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
not quite because an ex-boyfriend of mine went to sleep for it but he had the most perfect nose ever invented after that. I was always impressed and figured it was a fluke genetic blessing until he eventually told me it was repair job.
[PAINTS MY ENTIRE LIFE RAINBOW]
Sorry everyone, I’m just… really gay today. I got nothing else.
Any Buddhist Toasties out there? I’m going to my first retreat, at Zen Mountain Monastery in NY this August, and I’m very excited. I sit at home, but there aren’t any Zen groups in my city. I’m hoping this will be the first retreat of many!
that sounds so pleasant and calming! Can you please send me a link?
I wouldn’t call myself Buddhist, but I find the philosophy very helpful in managing depression. Hope I can attend a retreat one day.
lovely, enjoy!
(and remember not to get too attached to the process itself/the Zen leaders/the ritual, if I may offer a little warning based on friends I’ve seen go awry. but you won’t — and I am sure it will be a transformative experience!)
Hey! I think I just drove past there this morning. If it’s the one I’m thinking of (how many Zen Mountain Monasteries do we have?), you’ll be really close to the Phoenicia Diner, which has excellent pancakes. I’m not sure what a Buddhist retreat entails, but if baked goods factor in at all, it’s worth putting on your list!
I’m in a bad head space right now.
I want to move to a city that is only 3 hours away (by car). I used to be 3 states away.
I’ve been wanting to move there for over a decade and I’m so close, but right now it seems like the most impossible thing in the world.
I know, rationally, it’s not but I can’t shake these bad feelings that I’m a failure and I’ll be rejected from all jobs forever and all people will reject me.
So, what’s a way you guys cheer yourselves up when your brain refuses to behave?
I take refuge in romance novels or fantasy novels or netflix, until my head is totally immersed in those fictional worlds instead, and when I finally come back out my own feelings about anything other than the characters have had time to reset. Sometimes lots of exercise, but usually that gives me too much time to think.
Also, you’re here, so obviously you are a person of extremely good taste and are interesting, intelligent, and compassionate. And all the interesting and intelligent people here embrace you!
I literally have to tell myself, “Ok, RoisinDubh211 , I’m going to ignore you until you start talking sense.” and make myself DO something – knit or cook or watch a particular show (instead of random “this is on, it’ll do” that I usually do) to take my mind off…itself? And talk, talk to other people about what you’re feeling and write it down. Half of the time journaling will kind of exorcise parts of those feelings in an odd way.
Write down what you’re feeling to get it out of your head. It’s a total cliche, but it works for me when I’m overthinking something.
Other than that, I tend to do distraction-things instead of cheer-up things when I’m in a bad head space. If I’m at work (like now!) that means finding a mindless task (I’m putting stamps on hundred of envelopes and listening to a comedy podcast). If I’m at home, cleaning or doing the dishes helps, or taking a shower, or taking a nap! (Naps are always the answer).
Thanks for your responses everyone!
I’m feeling a little better now.
My contribution: Sometimes when my life feels really hopeless, I dig down deep and use spite to motivate me.
“He said I’d never be able to move to X. I’ll show that motherfucker!”
I find friends/family/bae and get them to reassure me that I’m allowed to feel bad, but I’m wrong. And then I watch videos of babies laughing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4abiHdQpc). When I feel like this, a large part of what’s making me feel bad is me beating myself up for feeling bad, so it’s a huge help to just accept that this is how I feel, and it’s okay to feel sad, and it will pass.
Good things that have happened this week include: dogs (our bookkeeper often drops her dog off in the office on Tuesdays and goes to run errands, so the dog doesn’t have to be alone all day. Nobody else was in the store, so it was just me and a sad dog, but the sweetest, most loving sad dog in the world. She gave me sad puppy eyes at the same time her tail was wagging frantically), the Supreme Court making good life choices, and my putting our office phone on the Do Not Call list.
Also, I got a scooter! It was delivered on Wednesday, and I put it together (except for the mirrors, because I was tired) yesterday. It works, it just needs gas and oil, but I have a title document stating it’s a 150cc, rather than a 50cc. This is an important distinction, because under 50cc is not regulated by the Commonwealth of VA, and I therefore don’t need a motorcycle license for it. 150cc, I would. Googling some of the numbers on the side of the scooter itself reassures me that no, this is a 50cc engine, but I still have the wrong paperwork, which makes me nervous. They also didn’t send me my helmet, which further annoys me, as I want to go places (and not have to take the bus every day).
I am excited about your scooter! I am also shallow: what color is it and does your helmet match or compliment?
The scooter is blue. The color was called “metallic blue” on the website, but is just your basic blue, much closer to royal than metallic. The helmet (or should be, at any rate) wood grain. Sadly, I gave my hot pink helmet to a thrift store when my old pink scooter broke down, so I’m going to be more understated now. It also has a trunk, and a backrest behind the pillion part of the seat!
I think brown and blue go together so well.
Now I just need to make sure they’re actually sending me a helmet.
Man, I don’t think I’ve EVER happy cried like this before. Feels great!!! And OMG my bestie can get married if she wants to and if she visits me here, in a different state, she’d STILL be married and now I’m going to cry again.
I know this isn’t the be-all and end-all of queer activism, but shit, man, it’s a good day.
Also, USA vs China tonight!!!
MARRIAGEEEEEEEEEEE <3
<3 <3 <3
my favorite thing is the photos of couples lining up to get married, or celebrating that their earlier marriage is now legally recognized. I totally understand cynicism and we-gotta-do-better and marriage-isn’t-everything but you can’t say it’s not vitally important to many, many people. not a whole lot of court rulings that bring about such joy on such a personal level.
Hannibal thread, Toast folks!
Margot can totally get with Alana if it hasn’t already happened. Season 3 Alana is going to be the best Alana ever. Love her iciness and cunning in this ep. CHILTON! You magnificent weaselly bastard.
All the Jack Crawford stuff. I was bawling at the end. Saddest/most moving episode ever.
I cried loads in this episode. It made me even less sure about what Will is planning. I also love Chilton
He gives good Bitch Face.
Revenge Alana will be the best Alana. She finally has a spine! And Mason is still annoying/horrible, which is perfect.
I am here all day for Revenge!Alana and sassy little shit!Chilton. That was basically a perfect episode (minus us losing Gina Torres because WHY GOD WHY).
YES TO ALL THOSE THINGS.
I loved the fact that while there was so little action in this episode (like, literally, so little physical movement in every scene), deep and vasty things happened.
Chilton just needs a friend.
I can’t believe even Mason is too crazy for Chilton (but not for Alana, GIRL!).
I interpreted that scene as Chilton being too crazy (well, too slimy) for Mason. Like, “You want to turn a profit off of this? I want to feed a man alive to specially bred pigs. BEGONE!”
MEOW. Cat thread!
New foster fuzzbutt (who is currently horking up his kibble on whatever’s hardest to clean):
He’s eleven years old! And so soft and playful.
Oh my god the barfing. My entire house is hardwood or tile except for the living room, and that’s where all the puking happens. Why can’t they just barf in the bathroom?
Minna hanging out on the headboard:
My parents’ cat Matka sunning herself:
Impurrator Furryosa is getting into tabletop, just like her big brother (who has swatted so many dice under the couch that my their humans have had to buy more d10s).
Late addition: Calvin being very fluffy
This thread is for self-pitying wallowing. Not for constructive advice, not for sympathy, but just for wallowing.
I am coming to the end of my current job, and I have no job lined up yet. My current job (an academic research position) has destroyed all of my previous confidence. I’m applying for jobs right now, and I’ve made a lot of really stupid errors in interviews, which helps confirm my worry that all of my useful skills have atrophied over the course of the past four years, partially due to my own laziness and lack of initiative. I feel completely unemployable, for STEM jobs or otherwise, and the idea of become a shepherd on a remote hillside is becoming more and more appealing, though I know I’m too lazy to keep up with the hard work of taking care of sheep. My current aspirations include lying on the couch in a tiny ball with my cats and being brought a nice cheese plate by my husband. Maybe playing some videogames.
Aaah, that feels better now. Toasties, please VENT UNPRODUCTIVELY at your leisure!
Yes, this is a great idea! Unproductive venting is great!
Disclaimer: for the following complaint, I DO NOT WANT ADVICE.
My boyfriend just got a job in my city, starting in August, and he found an apartment lease starting in August, and everything is lovely. But his last lease ended May 31. So in the meantime, he’s been crashing at either his sister’s house or my apartment– but more often my apartment. It makes sense– we’re dating, and he’s really close with my roommates– and it’s nice a lot of the time– he cooks dinner and gets groceries and stuff while I’m at work– but sometimes I just want to kick him out because mama needs her alone time. I want to sleep alone, eat alone, go to the gym alone. But I can’t think of a nice way to say “hey, why don’t you go to your sister’s for a day or two?” that doesn’t sound hostile, so I’ve just been dealing with it. It’s fine, but it does give me something to think about if we decide we want to move in together.
I alternate between thinking that the phone interview I had went REALLY WELL and that I BOMBED IT. Either way would suck. If it goes well, yay, moving again. if not, yay, even more broke. Want to strangle my 18 yr old boy child. Cannot even get a pool up and running in a month while the neighbors throw giggly screaming pool parties in their pool and don’t invite me. Three weeks alone with kids has ended and I did manage to go to a fabulous party and make friends but they are in another country and damn, married, christ 6 years without even a kiss is a LONG (not)FUCKING TIME! I could go on and whine about more but I think I will save it for my own update thread. Oh yeah, and do you know how hard it it NOT to scream at a kid, “you’re becoming just like your father”, when you see him being lazy and keep throwing you excuses and “white” lies while evading you by living at the dad-house and basically screwing up?
sigh. Going to eat lunch now and try not to cry for all of the reasons, good, bad, frustrated, stressed.
I am spending $184 that I should use to pay overdue bills to go to a massotherapist who I know as a yoga teacher from before-my-accident-happened who I know is probably the best chance to start getting myself back into one physical piece. I will probably cry, but hopefully it will be a good cry. It is in an hour.
YAS, this is perfect.
I’m SO unstimulated by my work. It’s simultaneously overwhelming and extremely boring. I both have A Lot Of Responsibility (writing two papers where I’m the first author, and the senior authors are very prestigious and want to publish in a great journal) and spend the day doing menial tasks (stamping and stuffing envelopes). I don’t get paid enough. I hate that whenever I talk about why I don’t like this job, a large part is the money. I’ve been applying to other jobs in the same area (academia, health research) but I’m not excited about them because they’ll probably be just like this one.
I once spent a good chunk of time looking for and enjoying job ads to be the resident “hermit” on somebody’s country estate… so shepherd sounds pretty good too.
Here’s one from 2014:
The community of Solothurn has placed a job advertisement for a local hermit to continue a 600-year-old tradition. But this time, they are looking for someone who’s sociable enough to get along with curious tourists and locals.
“Are you an idealistic, religious person who gets joy out of meeting people?” asks the notice in the regional Protestant Press publication advertising the position.
While those criteria may not seem to meet those of a typical hermit, the Neue Zürcher Zeitung newspaper reports that hermits who previously occupied the position were often overwhelmed by the number of hikers and visitors coming by their house in the Verena Gorge near Solothurn.
So, the community is now seeking a more sociable person who doesn’t mind greeting visitors or hosting events like weddings and baptisms that take place in a nearby chapel.
The most recent hermit, the first-ever woman to take the job in its nearly 600-year history, announced her departure in March following five years of living in the gorge and caring for the house. She moved to a retirement facility citing health reasons, according to the Solothurner Zeitung newspaper.
During her time as a hermit, she had expressed difficulty in dealing with the hype surrounding her role and retreated to a nearby monastery for one day each week.
The Verena Gorge is one of the places in Switzerland believed by some to hold mystical powers related to its geography. The first records of a hermit in the gorge date back to 1442.
http://www.swissinfo.ch/eng/culture/unique-job-ad…
“The community of Solothurn has placed a job advertisement for a local hermit to continue a 600-year-old tradition.”
HELL YES
“But this time, they are looking for someone who’s sociable enough to get along with curious tourists and locals.”
GOD DAMN IT
You make me so happy with this comment. I am not alone. BourneApprox feels just the way I do. Thank you.
:D! *Gives you a fist bump and then crawls back into her dark, dank hiding spot!*
Oh god yes let’s wallow. I broke up with my boyfriend of six years a couple weeks ago, and I have been, by and large, SO much happier and more content day-to-day, but now I’ve got the ghost of “almost 40 and painfully shy in person and I may never get laid again” following me around. And the boyfriend still sort of lives there (I KNOW) and I have to interact with his ridiculously handsome body and face and UGH. WHY WHY WHY. go away ghost. you’re fired.
We have to team up. I’m 44 and …my friend got me drunk at a party last weekend, and it sort of slipped out that I haven’t been so much as kissed in 6 years, and about 4 people almost fell down right there…they were then pretty sympathetic and disbelieving in the way that nice people are, and offered to hook me up with people in my neighborhood (which it was weird that they knew anybody in my neighborhood, as I live in Ohio and the party I was at was in Toronto). Anyway. That was nice and all, but today I had the choice to go to a wine-tasting friday at the art museum, alone, or go home and read, and I chose read. That doesn’t bode well for my chances.
I have been looking at meetup things, but wine drinking isn’t a thing I can do, I’m a lightweight and have a 45 minute drive home.
If I find any other ideas I’ll let you know next week!
I feel this so much. My current job has zero opportunities for advancement, and while it has provided me with a tiny bit of new knowledge, it’s absolutely nothing I could use to leverage my way into a better job elsewhere. Basically I’m a copywriter who has only written bad copy for the last 2 years because our head honcho has terrible, terrible taste.
Unrelated vent: My roommate travels for work, and the other day he brought two of his coworkers over to crash in our (studio) apartment. One of the coworkers would -not- stop skeezing on me and saying horrendous things (including rape jokes and random bigoted crap!). I am SO MAD that my roomie thought it was okay to bring these douchenozzles over. I confronted him about it and he said he’d never let them stay there again, but he was totally unapologetic. UGHHHHH.
Unproductive vent: I had just made peace with the fact that a friend was pulling a fade from my life, when she returns and apologizes but doesn’t seem to want to discuss any of the issues that led to her vanishing.
If you’re mad at me, saying “I’m not mad” and then pulling a Cut Direct is… not all that convincing.
I’m in an academic postdoc and while I do really like my job (I just…really like lab work?) I sooo need a holiday and some suuuuun (summer has skipped scotland this year) and some time off. But! Too busy and poor. Uuuuuggghhh.
I’m back from a vacation (I was avoiding the internet and I MISSED YOU GUYS) and I have a huge case of the I-don’t-wannas re:work. Not enough job-hunting success and too much pointless how-is-this-helping-anything crap to catch up on. And it’s been that way for a long time, but coming back to it after a week of driving around looking for fun regional potato chips feels like:
I know lots of y’all are in the same boat. We’re gonna start fresh on Monday and get some shit done, right? Right. [fistbumps]
(ETA: how did I miss TWO whining threads while I was typing this? Happy whinesday, everyone.)
I have felt exactly the same this week – I was away all last week having the most fun in the universe, and it has been totally the wrong week for work to do its annual colleague engagement survey!
*fistbumps* Getting shit done sounds good. (I am nearing the end of MA and just have the dissertation to do now, and need to be getting on with that and applying for jobs. I am instead just lying around doing nothing. Why, self?)
Hey toasties,
I just wanted to thank everyone who supported me when I asked for abortion advice. I have been feeling pretty not great, and all the good vibes helped. I am super excited for all this to be over, which it will be in a couple of weeks. Thank you all so much.
Thinking of you, girl. Take care.
This means WAY more than you know. Thank you.
I mean, this is probably hormones, but this gif mmade me cry.
Glad to hear from you. Thinking of you. You’ll be ok, I am confident.
Thank you. So so much.
Someone broke into my building’s garage Tuesday night.
This is not actually that big a deal. They did not steal anything from the garage. They broke the door frame, which kind of sucks, but one of the other people in my building screwed the door shut and there is another door. They stole a bike that was in the yard, but it wasn’t mine and I kind of feel like bike theft is just an unfortunate fact of bike ownership. Which I admit is easier to feel when it’s someone else’s bike.
Anyways, as we were checking if they stole anything and so on, I said, “I guess we should call the police.” Which of course means that I volunteered to call the police. Which, I don’t really trust cops much, but obviously there was no one there for them to chase, and maybe it’s part of a pattern or something, I don’t know, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It turns out our local cops have been hard at work making it difficult to report a crime. I called their non-emergency number. I got a complicated voicemail. I made a guess at which option to pick, and pushed the number for “property damage under $5000”. I got a recording saying that I really should use the online reporting form, then. I filled out the form. I got a website error telling me to try again later. Then, before I got around to trying again, I got an email saying my report had been received and was being processed. Then I got an email at 5:30 am telling me that they couldn’t accept my report from the website because this was really a B&E, so I should call another number. I did that last night. I had to wait close to ten minutes before I got to talk to someone. They don’t even have hold music. The person I talked to was nice and friendly and said that they’d send an officer as soon as one was available, so I figured things were looking up. An officer apparently arrived at 12:30 am and talked to my neighbour outside, but wasn’t able to take a report from him because he’s not involved, which makes no real sense because I’m no more involved than he is? And then called and left me a voicemail explaining that he didn’t knock or anything because he didn’t want to wake me, which I appreciate and I’m glad I have my phone turn its ringer off automatically when it’s plugged in at night. And he gave me a report number or whatever and instructions to call the same phone number as before, the one with the long wait and no hold music, and give them the report number, but I am just not sure if I care enough to keep trying.
What has the landlord done about this? Or is it a case for the HOA?
I’m sorry for your frustration. You are more than entitled to decide you’ve done enough as soon as you feel that’s accurate.
The building’s a strata title co-op, which is to say it’s basically like a condo but with different paperwork. So I and the other people who live there, including the neighbour who talked to the cop, own the building. I don’t think we have an HOA in the neighbourhood.
There’s only six units, so we don’t have a management company or anything and the division between the board and the other owners is basically nonexistent. I guess I could try claiming that the president should handle it. I suspect nothing would get done still, but I’d at least have passed the buck.
As someone who also lives in a coop, I’d say yes, the board president should be the point person on this.
Oh just FUCK the police. Ugh.
Toasties! I wore a maxi dress to work out of sheer “I didn’t wanna shave my legs” laziness on a day they told us a VIP is visiting and therefore no jeans allowed, and I keep getting all these lovely compliments for looking “so summery” and “so dressy” when really I’m basically getting away with working in pajamas. I FEEL LIKE I GOT AWAY WITH SOMETHING.
I have a coworker that I’ve never really been all that fond of — he annoys me on a strangely visceral level just by merely existing the way he chooses to exist (pompously, arrogantly, condescendingly) — and his last day is next Wednesday. Hooray!
The SCOTUS decision today has rendered today A Good Day regardless of anything else that might be going on!
Yey maxi dresses/skirts! Yeah, I love that I’m basically wearing yoga pants at work but it’s ok somehow because it’s a skirt?
My sister calls maxi skirts “crotchless yoga pants”
I have a knee length dress with 3/4 sleeves and a wrap-y/knot-y top in a perfect eggplant color that feels like pajamas, but looks amazing and gives me a tiny waist. I’m always on the lookout for another such miracle garment.
I was wary of maxi skirts but after this thread I think I will have to go try some.
I like the idea, but they seem to be pretty much impossible to find if you’re 5’2″ (and also plumpish and busty).
No! I have one dress and a couple of skirts and that is my EXACT body type! Just recognize that hemming is a thing that has to happen. And get one with a waist (no jersey or flowy for us). Life: changed.
I don’t really wear dresses outside (like, two or three times a year), but I have a jersey maxi from Old Navy that is basically my summer version of sweatpants. So comfy.
Work goal 4 out of 5 days is to look nice but feel like I’m wearing pajamas. For me this involves a lot of circle skirts and dresses. Maor maxi dresses!
this skirt is pajamas but I feel like I look like a professional business lady in it. I wish it came in a million more colors.
now i’m singing: “this skirt is pajamas, p a j a m a s!”
And I can even try it on in my little town! Thanks for the link.
ALSO: it has been brought to my attention that more people need to know about a stupid game that I play called Bathroom Survivor. I need more people to play with me and who better to involve than THE TOAST DOT NET?
http://tattooedtrilobite.com/2011/04/05/how-to-pl…
I didn’t realize that was any sort of official or wide-spread thing, but I definitely play that game. It helps that I’m generally the first person in my office, but also the cleaning crew comes through twice for some reason, so occasionally I can win twice in one day.
No YOU thought it was going to be a game about stinking up the bathroom so bad that nobody else could use it.
I always win that game.
My version of this is a game I call Toilet Chicken. When it’s just me and another woman in the bathroom at work, and I can tell she’s waiting for me to leave so she can unleash the full fury of her bowels, and I just dig my heels in out of pure spite like NOPE, gonna sit here all day if I have to, lady. My phone battery’s at over 80%, I’m not afraid of anything.
I have been watching my mother-in-law’s cat this week and will continue to do so for a few more days. My husband was supposed to, but then he got called out on a last-minute business trip, so it fell to me to drive over twice a day and give this cat food, water, and medicine. It’s not too terribly inconvenient or anything. But this cat is 20 years old, and I’m terrified she’s going to die while I’m the one watching her.
I once took care of an acquaintances two cats over a two week period. One of them was 18 or 19 and in poor health. I was also terrified that I would show up one morning and he’d be dead. It thankfully didn’t happen, so I shall pass on all my “temporary cat carer mojo” on to you.
My friend posted on FB that their daughter, when told of the decision today, said it was great because “now nobody can break up our family” and I canNOT stop crying.
Good lord, every time I think I’m done (happy) crying for the day something else sets me off.
Seriously. I had JUST regained my composure.
I’m so sorry! I definitely keep coming back to it, personally. Like, the fact that this sweet, intelligent, creative kid who was so loved had to worry about this! But now that’s all in the past! But it’s so sad she grew up for so many years that way! Aarrhhh!
I had the Best Week Ever (TM) last week. It was mine and the gentleman caller’s anniversary so I spent the weekend with him, then went to see L7 in an awesome ladyrocking night – both support bands were women as well, and L7 just blew the place apart. One of the best gigs I’ve ever been to, and I go to a *lot* of gigs.
Then Faith No More the next night who are my favourite band ever, and then a day trip to Scotland for the Royal Highland Show where I totally failed to take pictures of pig balls.
There were goats wearing coats with sheep on them though.
goats in coats on the toast? excellentttt
so they are … goats in sheep clothing?
I used to work for a catering place in Scotland and washed many a dish during the Royal Highland Show. I never got to see the goats, though, sadly. (Pajama’d or otherwise!)
Toasties, one of my new work compatriots (in the last 24 hours):
– regaled me with stories of his time running the marine search and rescue unit for the Chicago PD, including convincing me to just do one of those “for fun” SCUBA dives, also including a short but entirely sincere rant about crooked cops
– pointed me in the direction of both an outrageously amazing Polish deli (pierogis for all!) AND a really good, really cheap Korean carry-out counter right next to our office
Suffice it to say, I very much like my new job, and I feel very lucky. Thus, tell me about your favorite co-worker of all time!
I have tried for a long, long time to avoid making friends at work, but two years ago that got completely blown out of the water. I had just started working at the local newspaper in the advertising department. Two lovely people worked at the front desk/classifieds/circulation, and one of them, B, has become one of my best best friends. He and his partner are just ridiculously awesome and we’ve managed to be together for both the Windsor ruling (sneaky office emails when the ruling arrived) and the MI marriage decision that got stayed (had made plans for pizza that night, coincidentally) and I think we’re going to toast tonight just to make it a clean sweep. He’s got a viciously awesome sense of humor, is vastly intelligent and kind, and is just one of the best people I know.
Anyone who can recommend a good Polish deli is a good person. Pierogis are my litmus test.
My work husband, as I have gone on and on at great lengths about in other threads, a) no longer works with me but b) keeps in contact daily, either via email or text or facebook and c) has become one of the best friends I’ve ever had. He has come to my apartment to help me hang shelves, he helped me move with zero complaints, I convinced him to cosplay with me, and I love him more than most people.
HELL YEAH PIEROGIS
Hello Fellow Toasties! I have missed you all! It has been approximately a million years since I have been free on a Friday morning, but this week my son is in preschool and my daughter is in day camp and I do not have any pressing life situations to untangle or long-lost friends to reconnect with, so — hello!
We have made a good transition to summer and are starting to find rhythms for it, although next week will be odd again since our partner is off work and everyone will be home together and then Thursday we are going to visit friends and take advantage of their large air-conditioned house and lovely swimming pool. It will be really fun but I will also be glad for July and August when there is a routine again.
Other news? I had a birthday! There was an online party with lots of different people which was really lovely. I am liking 15 pretty well although it is weird to keep changing after so many years being the same always. 🙂
Happy birthday!
Thank you!
I was just thinking about all of you yesterday. So happy to hear from you! Happy birthday. Will there be ice cream? Chocolate?
Thank you! There was virtual tiramisu, but so far there has not been anything in the body. Maybe I will fix that tomorrow night. 🙂
Happy birthday and welcome back to the OT!
What happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Two wonderful SCOTUS decisions to be happy about, and nothing major-league on my plate. Hell, it may actually not rain this weekend where I live (as it has for what seems like several months now) and I can get out on the fucking bike and start putting in some serious miles. RAGBRAI is less than a month away now, and the first day has Four. Thousand. Feet of climb.
I remember RAGBRAI people camping in our back yard in the 80s. I was a very young kid at the time and I sort of thought the circus was in town. Thank you for the memory! 🙂
RAGBRAI has been at the top of my bucket list for years, but I’ve always worried I’d be too out of shape! But then if my dad can do it (while drinking heavily, no less) surely I would be fine?
I’m middle-aged and overweight, and did the whole thing last year, so you don’t need to be the sort of human greyhound that can ride the Tour de France without performance-enhancing drugs (if those actually exist). But you need to really like to ride bikes, because that’s what you’ll be doing all day for a week if you do the whole thing.
THAT IS A LOT OF CLIMBING YIKES
I am not such a fan of climbing but our localish lift-access MTB place is up and running for the season so that’s occupying some of my thoughts as I get back into mental/physical shape!
The toledo phone interview went well, I think? it ran double the amount of time budgeted? But I haven’t heard back and that was tuesday.
moving? staying? giving up? fighting with college boy via text?
The stress is just.too.much.
My kids come back sunday night and I know next week will suck bigtime. They fall apart after this much dad-time. I’m dreading all of it, job hunting, moving, kid going back to college, kid not making it back into college, dating, never dating again…yeah, basically. I ahve moved every year for the past 5 years. And I’m supposed to be the stable parent. On one hand I’m trying to determine how much money to ask for and mentally packing and checking out school districts and on the other hand i’ll need to stop coaching and move again in the next month before school starts and take middle kid (the one who is fine until he’s not and then he’s suicidal) away from high school, band, and disney trip, or leave him and ….LEAVE him with his father, at least for half a school year, or.. or…or…there are no good solutions. A good solution would be a wonderful job here that I can pay bills and not move.
I want to get the hell away from my ex so much that it scares me that I’d almost leave the kids to do it. Almost. That man is evil and I feel inertia pulling me down and I need to get away on my own with my own job that provides what we need to live and ugh. And my mom was goign to go on vacation (all I can spare, which was one overnight at niagara falls) but she let her passport expire. And my mom and dad have helped me immeasurably (without them I’m be bankrupt and homeless), and my mom is getting knee replacement surgery soon and if I get a job I won’t be there for her but OH GOD I WANT OUT. they promised me that I could survive and it would be better not being abused.Well, ok. I’m not being abused, except my kids are being brainwashed, I’m still dependent on him for money, and, oh yeah, the law could still tell me I”m not allowed to leave the county for another 6 years. Even if the job is amazing, I get it, and I can find a house in a good school district by August.
Stress? Just a little. what the hell do I WANT?!
Double the time scheduled for an interview? They like you. A lot. But I am not surprised.
I am sorry for all those scary feelings. They are legitimate. Please try to limit your attention to Right Now. And do you have a counselor you can talk this out with? A friend who provides a safe space to talk this through?
Good things are on your horizon. You already got a great interview. Good things!
Thank you. This is really the only place I let ALL that out. I have friends helping with the job stress, and friends helping with the kid stress, and I was trying to line up counseling for everybody (of course they had appointments this week but dad didn’t take them, so I have to reschedule), but the scheduling lady is on vacation until Monday. Short term goals are : paint daughter’s bedroom (it’s 1/2 done), get pool ready (ditto, but filling it took the longest, so more like 7/8 done), and get massage. Try to feel better about my body and maybe vaccuum by Sunday.
Tomorrow night there is a dance. I may go. I should go.
good things: I can pay for the massage and the trumpet and have grocery, etc money (even more etc than usual) this week. THose are good things.
Pregnancy thread! How is everyone feeling this week, in body/mind/heart?
I’m 24 weeks today and feeling really good, at last! My sciatica magically went away, I’ve figured out that as long as I don’t eat anything less than 3.5 hours before bedtime I won’t wake up with terrible reflux, and my midwife appointment went well. And yesterday I went to the BEACH in a BIKINI and felt awesome. I didn’t generally wear bikinis pre-pregnancy but it was really fun just rocking the bare belly and not giving a fuck.
Good for you on the bikini! I bet it felt awesome.
I’m doing good! I’ll be 12 weeks in a few days, we had our first ultrasound yesterday and it was SO COOL! Looks just like a human! Everything is looking good and I was cleared to run again, so I did my first run in over a month this morning. It wasn’t the smoothest run I’ve ever had but I feel so much more human now!
Haha, I had the opposite response to my 13-week ultrasound – my first thought was “It looks like a CREEPY ALIEN.” I’m so happy that yours went well and that you’re feeling better! You’re so close to being out of T1, which I, at least, found to be a great relief both physically and emotionally.
Haha, not currently pregnant, but pregnancy is also the only time I rock a bikini! The best part is that I have a membership at a college gym that is also open to the community, and seeing an 8-month-pregnant woman at the lap pool VISIBLY FREAKS OUT the 19-year-old lifeguards. It’s adorable.
I thought I posted a pregnancy thread earlier, but IntenseDebate is not on my team today.
38 (gah) weeks now and … okay, I guess? I found out on Monday that I’m GBS+ which is a bummer, because I was really hoping to avoid my last experience of being in the hospital the whole time (my water broke, I didn’t go into labor, they induced 30 hours later or so). My fantasy this time has been to labor at home and then show up and deliver 20 minutes later, but instead I have to go in right away if my water breaks/ once I’m in active labor and then be periodically hooked up to an IV.
The good (?) news is that I’m allergic to amoxycilin, so instead of penicilin every 4 hours, they’ll give me something else either every 8 or 12 hours, which–if second labors are really as much shorter as they’re alleged–means that I’ll only have to have one dose.
Also I’m pretty sure I’m in a nesting phase, although it’s manifesting as a sudden need to make All the Phone Calls rather than scrub the floor with a toothbrush, or anything that involves getting on my hands and knees (which would require an act of God at this point). I just have an overwhelming need to GET EVERYTHING DONE.
Sorry to hear that about GBS. 🙁 I hope that this time your water breaking doesn’t precede active labor by as much time!
Exciting that you’re so close to the big day, though!! Good luck getting through the last few days/weeks.
On March 28, I had to take a civil service test for my job (I was provisional). This is not my first civil-service rodeo; I know these tests are garbage but I wasn’t worried. But the test was AWFUL, even for a test-taker extraordinaire such as yours truly. I CRIED after. I was CONVINCED I would lose my job.
Yesterday (finally) I found out that not only did I pass, I was ranked #1. THANK THE MAKER.
Also maybe I should lay off the Dragon Age fic. Did I really just thank the Maker? Andraste’s ass.
Don’t you mean Andraste’s knickers?
I also find myself thanking the Maker more often than, ya know, God. Thanks Bioware.
I almost went with Andraste’s tits, but I like alliteration.
It’s knickerweasels all the way down!
“Also maybe I should lay off the Dragon Age fic.” Nope, time for more Dragon Age fic.
Well I’m certainly not editing some of my Cullrian trash right now even as we speak I would never how could you even say that.
“Cullrian trash”: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm-*schedules in some DA:I time tonight.*
Congratulations!
Thanks!!
Congratulations! What a great feeling. Time to celebrate this weekend?
Ohhhhhhhhh yes. There will be celebrating.
perfect gif is perfect. as always. 😀
My schedule at work might be changed and I’m really frustrated because 1) it will mean an overall more unpredictable and hectic work week schedule, 2) will interfere with professional development type things in evening (think trainings, classes, etc, which my boss has encouraged me to pursue), 3) will interfere with personal hobby things… which I’m the most upset about but I also know it’s the one that matters least to my work. How can I bring it up with my boss in a way that is not juvenile or stupid? Because that’s how I’m feeling about it right now.
I don’t see how “this will negatively affect my quality of life outside of work to an unreasonable degree” (which it totally sounds like it will) is juvenile or stupid. You don’t have to rank these things to your boss. Cumulatively, they’re more than enough to cause a legitimate complaint.
Ahh thank you… being validated like this means a lot and makes me feel more confident in bringing it up with my boss!
I would pick the top few things you don’t want to give up outside of work, and then raise the fact that you have prior commitments every x, y, and z, and while you realize you will have to work a new/different schedule and are flexible for all other times, you are absolutely never available at those specific times/days/dates.
Great idea, thank you!!
Pushing the “will interfere with professional development things that YOU YOURSELF ENCOURAGED ME TO PURSUE” is the way to go, IMHO.
Happy Distractions Thread!
Sometimes a day (or week) gets really crappy and you need a happy distraction video.
What are your favorite videos you’ve seen this week?
Here’s one of mine, a lightbulb ad starring Jeff Goldblum https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmq_sYXu64w
Shetland Ponies in sweaters (jumpers? cardigans? swathed in cuteness, basically): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfybEEWnYSI
The trailer for the Wet Hot American Summer Netflix series came out and it is absolute perfection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6tyKjNsyns
Baby laughter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4abiHdQpc
I saw a thing on Facebook that looked like it was a comment from Jill Biden, in which she said that Biden was running around the White House wearing a rainbow flag like a cape and giving everyone high-fives.
I don’t know if it’s true, I don’t care if it’s true, I believe that it’s true.
Sounds about right for Joe Biden.
I 100% believe this is true.
The twitter handle is a parody account, but it is absolutely true in my heart.
Hopefully, Biden will see it and go, “Hey, yeah! Where’d I put that flag?”
Have you seen Joe Biden today? I haven’t! Who’s to say what he’s doing? (I say he’s doing this exact thing.)
new headcanon
Someone has made it true.
I want to believe.
Is there really no Fallen London thread just yet? Am I going to have to start one on my own? I can do that, because HEART’S DESIRE UPDATED!
Involving not one, but two trips across the Unterzee, one of them to Polythreme. A little unkind. Other than that (and the godawful card luck I had on my last zee voyage home) it was fantastic though. Anyone else play the update?
And what is everyone else up to in the London beneath the earth?
Also I’m super curious as to which of the three options for trying to blackmail the final participant people chose. I went with the Seeking because god, godddd, I miss Seeking…
Hey, Nemesis people had to cross the Unterzee, too. To the Tomb Colonies!
I made it back from the Iron Republic! I slew my Nemesis and am following his clues to find more, bigger, more powerful people to slay! But the next step involves waiting for a card again, so in the meantime I’m dicking around teaching a devil manners, which is more fun and less grindy than anything I’ve done in a while.
I finally got my zubmarine!!! Just hanging out with the Three Sisters and on Mutton island for now. Have to figure out how to unlock all those other destinations.
I haven’t played the Heart’s Desire update yet because I stayed too long at zee and lost a point of Notability. I need 5 to upgrade to Correspondant, and I’m grimly grinding MW to get it over with. But then! Heart’s Desire!
That said, I now have everything I need to get back into the University too. In your face, Provost!
I have been trying to pick what to focus on next and I think it shall be opening up my own salon, OR upgrading my lodgings to the Sanctum at the Brass Embassy. But this requires an item that you can only get with 3200 certifiable scraps, so… that’s going to take a while. I’m also trying to get my Notability back up. I stupidly chose to trade in my Notability 5 to set my Persuasive to current level +5, which wasn’t really worth it (or hasn’t proven to be worth it yet).
I feel like I’m at a point in the game where there’s nothing to do, really, except wait for new content to be released. My own ambition is Light Fingers and I don’t think it’s been updated in a while.
In other news I started watching Black Sails. All I want out of life now is a video of clips from that show set to songs from Muppet Treasure Island. Is that too much to ask for?
SAILING FOR ADVENTURE ON THE BIG BLUE WET THING
(I have not seen Black Sails but I am delighted that there are others here that love Muppet Treasure Island!)
I also have not seen Black Sails! But I can sure as shit quote Muppet Treasure Island.
Oh! We see you have boom boom stick. Bye-bye!
I love Muppet Treasure Island with a fierce passion. It’s one of my favorite Muppet movies, and Tim Curry is my favorite John Silver in the history of cinema.
It is my #2 (hehe) favorite Muppet movie, after Christmas Carol, which is in my top 5 Christmas movies ever made
Muppet Christmas Carol is possibly my favorite book to film adaptation ever.
Black Sails is pretty great, the second season gets even better.
I’m really enjoying it so far. With that plus my naval expedition reading plus my grandparents’ sudden decision to watch Hornblower from the beginning last night it’s been a very nautical week.
Comics thread? I randomly picked up the first trade of Ody-C when I happened to see it at the store last weekend, and OH MY GOD, this is amazing! I love it! I haven’t finished it yet but it seems like the kind of thing that Toasts would like. It’s the Odyssey but with space warrior queens and space Greek goddesses (everyone is female!) and crazy art. (Who recommended this to me originally? SarcasticFringehead?)
UUUURRGGGGG YES ODY-C. I recommended that to y’all a while back, so it may have been me? But it’s so good that I bet it’s been rec’d many many times over in this space.
ISN’T ZEUS JUST GODDAMN PERFECT? Ugh. Can’t get over it.
I love that the main characters are allowed to be ugly. And the contrast between the poetic narration and Zeus’ and Poseidon’s casual swearing.
It might have been me? I’ve been reading it and I love it! I used it as an example for one of my literary friends of how cool comics are and how diverse they’ve gotten (although I also suggested that since she’s never really gotten into comics before, she might want to start with something with simpler art. Or just jump right in and roll around in the neon and spaceships and everything!). I’m not totally crazy about the “there’s only one man and he’s going to save us all!” narrative, but the focus so far has been on Odyssia and it’s sooooo gooooooood.
Have you had a chance to pick up Bitch Planet yet?
I haven’t, but I have a goal to read comics this weekend, because it’s going to be SUPER HOT and I’m a major temperature wimp (and I live in a stupid tin can aka RV that is parked in full sun), so we’re going to go to the library and hang out and read.
Ooh, that sounds delightful!
I just finished all of the available Saga. Now I’ll have to go find more comics! I’m especially getting into them since I’m teaching myself drawing / digital painting, so they are very inspiring.
SAGA <3 <3 <3
Actually, I’m going to lend you Ody-C (next week?), because the art is amazing. A pull quote from a review on the back of the book calls it “bonkers” and that’s totally correct.
Oh that would be fantastic! Thanks! And if you want to bring up more lard, I get get that to my parents :). I’ll be around all next week.
This comment made me laugh because I know what you are talking about, but it looks super odd. “bring me lard for my parents, fellow toastie. Totally normal request”.
My life is not what I thought it would be. Lard is not the weirdest thing I’ve handed off on a street corner just off campus. (I think there was pork tongue once.)
In honor of today’s SCOTUS decision, I am listening to the Xanadu soundtrack.
I am listening to Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love”. *fistbump*
Will be cueing up some Sylvester and Cece Peniston momentarily.
Toasts! I made an honest man of Mr. Ada! We had a tiny wedding in the park, in which we broke from habit and made public displays of earnest feeling. Then we went to a tiny reception room and ate this cake, for which my BFF made the most awesome topper out of shrinky dink. It may be my favorite inanimate object currently in my possession. (Also, I made this cake and it may be my favorite inanimate object no longer in my possession.)
Congratulations!!
(Also I’m totally stealing “made an honest man of [X]” one day if I get the opportunity to use it)
Congrats! YAY for homemade and small weddings!
eeee! Congrats. What kind of cake is that? It looks delicious!
Milk Bar Confetti Cake, i.e. Funfetti Cake for the Compulsively Complicated Baker.
that is SUCH a good recipe! I love that cake
Congratulations!
Hooray for tiny weddings! And hooray for Either_Ada happiness! And yes, that shrinkydink is wonderful.
I got my period this morning, which means that my first cycle of Clomid was a failure. I’m technically happy because I did ovulate, and earlier than usual (I’m taking it for irregular periods with late ovulation [if I ovulate at all]), but it still didn’t work. I’m also going to my niece’s first birthday party tomorrow, and my brother and his wife are pregnant again… I’m so happy for them (and I adore my niece), but it’s hard, you know? Especially since I’m older than them. Not to mention my husband’s brother, whose wife is the same age as me and pregnant with their 4th child…
I’ve only been trying since November, but it already feels like an eternity, especially since I’m surrounded by people who seem to get pregnant really easily. It just sucks. I know there are women who have been trying so much longer than I have, I’m not claiming to have it the worst at ALL, I just didn’t expect trying to conceive to be so difficult. I’m already an anxious person, and I feel like this whole progress has just unhinged me; the number of symptoms/twinges/etc. I have googled is outrageous. And I can’t just “relax and stop trying” because of my irregular cycles; I’m lucky to have eight cycles a year, so I have so few chances for it to happen, I have to take advantage!
Blah. Just blah.
I am sorry – internet hug from internet stranger – it is definitely okay to be sad/angry/anxious. It does suck!
I’m so sorry, that sounds incredibly difficult. Take good care of yourself.
I’m sorry! I’ll pray for you. If Clomid doesn’t work out for you, maybe look into Creighton (or similar) fertility care? In any case, I’ll say double Hail Marys for you.
The Bartender sends you hugs! It shall work next time!!!!!!!!
Did anyone else watch The Rock’s new show Ballers? I thought it was pretty good! And I don’t know if this was the intention (because clearly the show is constructed as a long advertisement for The Rock’s tailor), but I thought it really highlighted the weird politics of how football is a way for old white men to control the futures of young black men.
Huh, I wasn’t all that interested before, but a show about The Rock looking sharp and also about how football is pretty fucked-up sounds like it might actually be right in my wheelhouse.
Agreed.
Also I will watch The Rock in just about anything. To the point where I watched Southland Tales and I was like “That wasn’t NEARLY as awful as I had been led to believe.”
(I also enjoy Seann William Scott send help)
Southland Tales is a mess and I can’t tell you a thing about what that plot is or what any of it means, but it’s also so much fun. I also though JT & Buffy acted their asses off.
I was interested because of The Rock but was hesitant that it would be too Entourage-y? But if you liked it maybe I’ll check it out after all 🙂
There is certainly the whiff of Entourage around it because it focuses on rich dudes living in Miami, but The Rock’s character is actually anti- all of that stuff, so it doesn’t feel like 100% glamorization of it.
There are definitely boobies though.
So many boobies.
But how much cod is there?
This is the critical question.
(I’m recorded it/am watching it tonight and I’m really excited.)
Dear Toastians:
I feel like you will love this too: http://herzoginspirationals.tumblr.com/
That…..
That is absolutely perfect, and exactly what I needed.
This is fantastic.
Oh yes. Yes please.
Yes, haha! These would be some good office/cubicle decorations paired, perhaps, with “baby photos” that are actually stills from Eraserhead.
Pregnancy! 38 weeks now and … okay, I guess? I found out on Monday that I’m GBS+ which is a bummer, because I was really hoping to avoid my last experience of being in the hospital the whole time (my water broke, I didn’t go into labor, they induced 30 hours later or so). My fantasy this time has been to labor at home and then show up and deliver 20 minutes later, but instead I have to go in right away if my water breaks/ once I’m in active labor and then be periodically hooked up to an IV.
The good (?) news is that I’m allergic to amoxycilin, so they won’t give me the standard dosage of penicillin every 4 hours–it’ll be something else given every 8-12 hours, which means less time on an IV.
Also, I’m truly gigantic.
How’s everyone else?
Can anyone recommend some good longform articles? No particular topics in mind, though I prefer reading stories over just straight opinions. Though are longform opinion pieces even a thing? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a moot point.
Everything Rachel Monroe writes: http://www.rachel-monroe.com/
I spent my winter break reading through most of these: http://longform.org/lists/best-of-2014
And an old Toast favorite: cruise horror! http://longform.org/posts/the-longform-guide-to-c…
My favorite of all time has got to be the story Washington Post Ombudsman, Bill Green wrote in 1981 in the wake of the Janet Cooke “Jimmy’s World” scandal. I also happen to love a good journalism or book fakery story: The Players: It Wasn’t A Game
Along those lines, Jon Krakauer’s Three Cups of Deceit
http://www.resilience.org/stories/2004-05-23/oil-…
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2004/…
http://dash.harvard.edu/bitstream/handle/1/365969…
I hate to recommend a middle-aged white man, but Skip Hollandsworth (https://longform.org/writers/skip-hollandsworth) is a goddamn national treasure.
world cup/soccer thread?
Anyone watching any games in stadiums tonight?? My girlfriend will see the France v Germany game tonight in the stadium and I am super jealous….A good friend is coming over to enjoy the #USvCHN game tonight and I look forward to shouting at the TV screen all afternoon. I have been talking everyone else’s ear off about the world cup, at least anyone who looks the least bit interested, to try and get them on board.
I don’t have a lot of knowledge about soccer but I do enjoy watching it quite a bit and I’ve been a bit curious about a lot of the negative articles on the women’s national team- it seems like a lot of the criticism is “you weren’t as good as you were before!” which, while it may be true, isn’t particularly helpful. I’m very happy with our defense even if our offense is nothing to be sneezed at so far, but like the coach pointed out- we have either won or drawn all games so far, so I suppose it remains to be seen whether we have what it takes to make it to the finals.
I hope so, though! My hope for tonight is that my newest and mainest girl crush Abby Wambach scores a goal or ten.
I’ll be watching the Canada game tomorrow (and I have tickets to the semi in Edmonton next week, so I really hope Canada advances!)
I watched USWNT’s last game against China and I have to agree with the critics: they didn’t look good. A lot of long balls and kick-and-run plays! They are just not as fun to watch as Germany, France or Japan. USWNT was “my team” growing up, and I played wearing jersey 9 because I loved Mia Hamm so much. But I think it’s time for me to move on!
Ooo it has been super fun to watch Canada’s games and see the crowd go crazy, and I hope they go forward so you can see it!
I mean yes, the USWNT has not been playing their best these past few games but it sounds like they know it and they know they can do better. I really hope they do! I really like being able to support my country in a sport that they are actually good at on a national level!!
I would love to see them start somebody else on forward with Alex Morgan! Sydney Leroux? Cristen Press?
I am actually leaving Canada in a few hours after watching several games in stadiums (and doing work – it was actually a business trip), but I’m embroiled in some major (and highly entertaining) trash-talking via text with a French-Canadian coworker, as we have strong opposing feelings about the France v Germany game.
…My flight just got delayed two more hours and now I’m going to miss the USA game. This is a tragedy.
noooooooooooo!! I’m so sorry you’ll miss the game!
Where are you able to find a live stream while still in Canada? I want to watch Germany-France! Sasic forever!
I have had avocado on toast every single morning this week. Although I like mine with a smidge of Maldon’s sea salt. Instead of all the processo I have been blending frozen watermelon cubes with mint and gin (as recommended by a truly magical Toastie). Summer is grand! (except for the bugs. and the humidity) but off to Cali next week where these nuisances are unknown.
Oooh how does this frozen watermelon cubes thing work? Is it something I can do despite not owning a blender? I have an immersion blender and a food processor and a love for mint and watermelon. But not gin – I would be subbing in vodka or rum there.
Cut watermelon into cubes and throw in freezer. I would imagine you could do it with an immersion blender but you would need an appropriate container to ensure thorough blending. I use my magic bullet thingy – intended for healthful smoothies but really an excellent daiquiri and frozen drinks maker. Here is another one – frozen bananas + peanut butter + handful of choc chips + milk (non dairy milk is fine) – instant chocolate PB milkshake! Working on how to add booze to this…
So for all that I had a freak-out anxiety thing at therapy yesterday about my job search and how I’m going to end up without health insurance as of my next birthday because I’m aging out and how having no control over how a job search works out makes me feel terrible, next week is going to be the eighth consecutive week with at least one phone or in-person interview, so I’m doing okay, right? Right? EIGHT WEEKS STRAIGHT. I need to drop some clothes at the dry cleaner, I think.
One-on-one contact with employers every week for eight weeks straight? Hell yes, you’re doing OK. Could you bottle some of what you have and share with the rest of us, please? But I am sorry about your anxiety. And I do understand. I’ll be thinking about you this week.
One-on-one contact, but no job offers. Not one. In fact, next week’s is one of the few that I’ve gotten past the first round, as far as I can tell – this will be my third interview with them, second in-person.
By the way, what I have is that I’m applying for jobs that are a good fit and then I write AMAZING cover letters, customized for every application. One of these days I’m going to end up running job hunt trainings and teaching people how to write cover letters.
Was going to ask for dead simple summer food suggestions as I’ll be housesitting all by my delicious lonesome this coming week, but after yesterday I decided to just reenact all those YA teen boy lost in the wilderness books. Who needs food?
one handed foods, then? fancy finger sandwiches. cucumber sandwiches are refreshing.
Just catch some salmon with your bare hands!
(My default meal during the summer is a sort of “caprese salad plus”: sliced tomato, mozzarella, fresh basil, avocado slices, and Trader Joe’s already-cooked rosemary-balsamic chicken breasts).
Gym PR thread!
Not a big week for new records, though I did front-squat 90% of my max for a triple, which is great, since I haven’t been able to get anywhere near my maxes since I went on a two-week vacation and then got the flu. I think I’m back on track!
Toasties! Don’t know if anyone remembers my last post-breakup tale of woe, but I have updates because I could use a venting space.
I think I may have angered a particularly vengeful witch?
1. Car stereo now seems to be slowly dying. I believe it’s the external USB port going bad. That is the only USB port I have left in that thing.
2. Did not get promotion at work.
3. Just fired personal trainer for ongoing issues with lack of respect for my time and failure to listen (trying to reschedule at the last minute when I have said repeatedly that I am coming from work and cannot do that), low-level sexism (had to beg him for YEARS to let me lift heavier weights, boxing training when I have experience is mild compared to ex’s training with the same guy even though the ex is new at boxing), relatively constant harping on my “problem areas” even though I have always said I want to focus on strength and lifting for bone-health reasons and do not want to talk about weight/dress size/”hotness”/etc.
4. SSN and other personal info part of massive government data breach.
5. May possibly anger father and stepmother by wearing black cocktail dress to stepsister’s wedding. I don’t know. My stepmother was trying to get my dad to buy me a non-black dress and he said he’d do it and I said that I liked my dress just fine. It could also be a really unfunny joke. I never know with those two.
Right now my plan is to dig a small hole and crawl into it. Also I am going to save the money I used to spend on the trainer and purchase a mattress ASAP.
I’m trying to keep busy and I have done some really fun stuff lately too, I promise. I just feel like I am metaphorically being rained upon by all the rain in Chicago (which incidentally did happen the last day I was there).
If anyone is in DC or near DC or knows anyone in the environs, my hot tip is that there will be alpacas on the Mall next Friday as part of the Smithsonian Folklife Festival. I believe the fiber blessing ceremony starts around mid-day but there is a complete schedule on the website.
UGH
I hope things turn up for you soon. Also, mattress!! That’ll be great once you’ve got it in all settled in.
Also, I’m way jealous of this alpaca thing. A couple of my friends might be hitting up a SHEEPDOG fest and I can’t go and I’m sad.
I am super looking forward to a new mattress. I’ve never had one as an adult! Anything is going to be better than the current situation, honestly. I did find out that those icy hot sticker things work pretty well.
Sadly, unless the alpacas are super docile I won’t get to see them myself. I’m volunteering in the arts and crafts tent, but only over the weekend. If the alpacas end up being good, calm alpacas they will do a decorating demo IN the tent, which I am crossing my fingers for. I am looking forward to arts and crafts time though.
Congrats on firing that ahole trainer! “Problem areas…” yeesh. Sound like the problem area is his attitude.
It was just that we had these conversations REGULARLY and then I felt like he only shut up about it because he didn’t want me getting mad at him again not because he actually truly understood that I did not want to shape my exercise routine around those goals.
He’d also say things like, “You don’t diet, right?” “You won’t take supplements, right?” Ugh, no and no. My diet is fine and weight loss supplements are garbage.
The day after the straw that broke the camel’s back on the subject he sent me this long text about how his friend had been murdered over the weekend and so I did feel guilty about unintentionally piling on, but at the same time that doesn’t have anything to do with his failure to hear me/respect my time, you know? I told him I was incredibly sorry to hear that and wished him the best of luck in the future, but I hadn’t changed my mind on ending the association.
Mm, yeah, that is too bad, but nasty manipulative people do have a way of finding something, anything that will help them turn the conversation around so that suddenly YOU are comforting THEM. You did the right thing by standing by your boundaries, and now you can work out without your shoulders all up around your ears! Which might have been good for your traps and delts, but is no way to live 🙂
I mean, he DID say I hurt his feelings by calling him sexist. Because let’s keep an eye on what’s really important here.
I think it can be hard to find a trainer who doesn’t think in the “woman = weight loss & not lifting heavy things” way because a lot of women do still think that way (fitness for women can be such a weird clusterfuck of male-gazey BS and preying on societally-encouraged insecurities) so it’s the whole “if you have a hammer everything looks like a nail” scenario BUT that is no excuse for not actually listening. And for the record, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a person making that choice, but that doesn’t mean everyone will want the same things out of their gym time.
Yeah I mean, it’s one thing to have certain assumptions going in, but when someone flat out tells you “I don’t want to do that,” and you do it anyways, and then tell the other person that THEY are making YOU sad, just gtfo.
Hey! You got rid of a problem area. Good work firing the trainer.
And a new mattress will do more for your health than any other purchase you’ve ever made.
Would the black dress be less provocative if you add some large amount of color? Like a big, colorful necklace or pastel bangles. I don’t know. But I feel for you.
😀
I don’t even know what the potential black dress problem is. I know there was an old-fashioned rule where you didn’t wear white, red, or black to a wedding but I’ve seen many many people in black at weddings so I think that part of the dictum is at least outdated. I basically have one fancy dress that I use for all things. I also have a shawl-type thing that I bought specifically for this wedding because my dad super hates my visible tattoos and he hasn’t even seen the newest. And it would be one thing if he kept it to himself, but he is fundamentally incapable of keeping his mouth shut on the subject and I really don’t feel like adding a “is this a cry for help” discussion on top of the typical “when are you getting married” stuff I get from a couple relatives.
The shawl has some color in it though. The fundamental thing is that I just really like black. 🙂
My sister’s bridesmaid dresses were black FFS, this is ridiculous. Your dad sounds like a piece of work. Best wishes dealing with the weekend!
Yeah, he’s been mostly a nightmare for basically my whole life, particularly as it relates to anything to do with money and clothing (like implying that I looked like a prostitute at one of my college graduation weekend events? WHAT). There is literally no subject on earth where he will not be right there to tell me what I’ve done wrong.
The one thing I’m sort of looking forward to is the fact that he’s on the short side and I’m a hair above average height, so when I put on tall heels I loom over him a bit. Which I’m sure is not the healthiest attitude but whatever.
Ooo. Alpacas. Just saw this now. I will most likely be in the area then. Will have to check them out. (I’m a little unwilling to leave Williamsburg and deal with northern VA traffic again, but the Smithsonian beckons…)
If it’s an extra inducement, the National Museum of the American Indian is opening a big exhibit on the Inca Road as well, I’m thinking that will be fascinating.
Also there will be 6 alpacas total, including 2 babies.
Definitely seconding anything by Chelsea Cain. Her Gretchen Lowell series is perfect if you liked Gillian Flynn.
Toasties! Super stoked because our living situation is once again saved from the fire.
I’ve been in my (“my”) house for almost four years, and have lived with almost 10 different people here. My sister lives with us currently, and is leaving to live with her beloved, and I was like “NO MORE RANDOMS I CAN’T” so we were going to move out into an apartment with just me and my own beloved and our two cats and I was very sad. I love my roommates! I love my house! It’s so CHEAP for what it is!
Anyway, my bestie and her boyfriend are looking for a place, and want to move in, so we are saved. It’s going to be great! We have the small problem of my other roommate, who is not *quite* yet ready to leave, but it turns out we are all ok with living with 5 for a month or two, so all’s well!
Plus we hired a wedding photographer! He specializes in gay weddings, and while we are not gay, I love that about him. And also he happens to have lived in the house my betrothed lived in during undergrad right after my betrothed moved out, IN THE SAME ROOM. Fate.
Dee Dee Open Thread!
Real fast because I’m already late for the farm:
She and I went for a lovely wee walk down to the creek where we walked and splashed around much to my delight (Dee Dee was more “THERE IZ NO GRASS HERE” but she did walk in and down the creek for about 15/20 feet before we walked out together so good girl!).
Off to clean out her pen and love her up but here’s a nervous dilemma: long story short, I promised her to someone who would give her a possibly really good home but I’m kinda falling in love with her and frankly, I don’t want to see Dee Dee go through a “whoops, sorry she didn’t work out” time again.
GAH! I also don’t want to be “crazy horse hoarder” lady (Dee Dee would be horse #3 which, in my mind, is two too many!). DOUBLE GAH!
Oh, fostering animals is so hard. Especially when you’ve healed them from neglect or abuse. Can you get visitation rights with the new guardian? You don’t need me to tell you, but I will: you are a very good person to determine what Dee Dee needs and provide it in just the right way.
I could totally get visitation rights, the woman in question is genuinely awesome! I Facebook her regularly with Dee Dee updates and always get prompt replies. And thank you for the kind words; I’ve always had “forever” pets, never actually bought and sold an animal in my life, and man…I’m finding it a bit rough!
Sent from my iPad
I don’t know if ‘loan with view to buy’ is a thing over there, but it can work well – so she’d go to them for a period of (for instance) 6 months, they take over all her running costs but you retain ownership, and then they either buy (for a price agreed at the beginning) or she comes home. Makes sure they are right for each other, you can keep some control to start with etc.
It’s hard having horses as forever pets – if nobody sold them, we’d never be able to buy them! And I quite agree three is too many – I hadn’t planned to get another until the old git went on his merry way, but I fell in love with Dexter several years too early…
tw: pet injuries
I am burying this in the comments because I am still a little (okay, a lot) upset by it, but on Monday I was trying to change my chinchilla’s bedding and trying to chase him into a corner so I could do so without him running away, but he slipped out of my hand and as he ran deeper into his cage I ended up pinching him on his tail and the tip of it just…popped off. Like I took a glove off and left exposed muscle. I FREAKED OUT, because holy shit my pet is injured and I love him to death, so I googled chinchilla vets in NJ and after a series of false leads, I managed to not only find a local hospital but also get there just in time for them to take me as an emergency appointment before leaving. The vet said what happened was called “degloving” and that he should be okay, he didn’t give me any medication or anything because it should heal fine on its own and grow back to normal in a few months, but now he is running to the opposite corner as soon as I go near his cage and I’m just. I’m gutted. I love my little fuzzbutt and he’s a great pet, I just feel like the World’s Shittiest Pet Owner right now so I have been giving him extra treats in an attempt to get him to love me even a little again. It’s hard because his previous owner had him for eight years, and that’s a long time to have a pet, and even though I’ve had him for a year it’s still hard to win his attention.
someone share pet woes with me?
Ok.
Two years ago, my partner’s (who works in the forest. Like. A lot. Like, 8 months of the year, a lot) cat got e. coli. But she has always been a barfy kitty, so I did not think much of it. For months. AND MONTHS. (I was having anxiety issues at the time, and couldn’t even with most of life) I did literally NOTHING about this (other than clean up daily piles o’ barf) until one day some friends were over and laughing at my skin-and-bones cat. I started bawling, asking if we could not giggle over my cat’s demise, and promptly took her to the vet. The ensuing years have been endless rounds of various antibiotics (pilling a cat is NOT easy. Or fun), determining she is allergic to food, determining that her e. coli was, in fact, an antibiotic resistant strain, so MORE antibiotics, including a 6 month regime of injected antibiotics, and also giving her 100 ccs of subcutaneous fluids every two days, because she still has bacteria in her urine. Just not, mercifully, the antibiotic resistant e. coli. We decided not to treat what she has now, because unless she is vomiting/diarrheaing everywhere, I AM NOT SCREWING WITH THAT. O, and now her kidneys are failing, so she is on low-protein hypo-allergenic foodz. After I nearly killed her. (I may still feel badly about that).
Then? Just when that cat was getting her sh*t together? My other kitteh, who has been sneezing for months (cats normally don’t sneeze) shows up in my bedroom late at night with one pupil hella dialated, and the other one supa normal. “O well” I think “can’t do anything about that now!”, and pass out. Next day, we arrange a vet visit. She is mystefied. So she refers me to the opthamologist, who informs me that my cat’s lens has popped out of the tendons that hold it in place, and that that baby needs to be removed. So yes. I got my cat a lensectomy. And now my baby, who otherwise loves me real real good, hates my face everytime I take him for a checkup, which he somehow knows about. And my vet refuses to believe that my monster remembers him, but I’m the one holding onto 12 lbs of angry cat, and I KNOW that my cat recognizes his smell.
But the bright side? After the initial healing phase was done (he is now and may forever be on pressure-regulating eye drops), my cat returned to his normal self. He snuggles just as much as he used to, and knows me for the loving maman that I am. It took a lot of love and snuggles, but our relationship healed. And I am sure yours will too. Courage!
I feel your feels. It wasn’t your fault and you have vet confirmation that he will be fine, but you still feel like crap because Tiny Helpless Creature. My ten-year-old cats have not had a lot of emergencies in their indoor lives, but when they do, hoo boy. Last year I had to take one of the cats to the vet because she was limping and not eating. Turns out she had an ENTIRE SEWING NEEDLE all up in her foot. I have no idea how she managed to get it all up in her wrist bones–pounced on it maybe?– but I do know which dummy carelessly let a sewing needle fall onto the carpet in the first place. (me.)
She is FINE. The urgent care vet extracted it without too much fuss, and I gave her two weeks of antibiotics, and she is fit as a fiddle and actually more affectionate after the event. She’s always been a skittish cat, prone to startling and hiding, and I felt truly awful seeing her stumble around in a cone and even worse shoving a pill down her gullet every day. But apparently all that forced pillicating was a form of bonding, because now she’s much more of a lap cat. *shrug* You love that little chinchilla and he’ll be fine, don’t worry.
oh no, but it was an accident! and chinchillas don’t strike me as pets with super-long memories. happy memories will take the place of this one in his mind!
I have a pet bunny who regularly gets miffed at me every time I clip his nails (about every 3 mo.; — and you have to with rabbits for their health if they are not outdoors actively digging burrows — this is not a declawing thing). Also I have totally partially stepped on/tripped over my bunny when he is leaping for joy around my foot level and I’m not paying attention. It makes me feel just terrible as well, but he’s been fine and gets over it every time. They recover!
My mom shut the dog’s tail in the car door and didn’t notice until she got all the way around to the other side of the car. She cried. The dog was fine.
The fact that the vet was somewhat blasé about it strikes me as a good sign? Like, this is a thing that happens, you’re not a horrible person.
I love a blasé vet. Absolutely sure the vet has seen pets and owners recover from far worse than a tail-tip injury. In regard to my sewing needle story above: when I recounted the events to my cat’s regular vet at her regular checkup several weeks after her urgent care experience, he was like “Jeez, that’s the third sewing needle injury we’ve had this month.” At least one of those other injuries was a needle that got swallowed. And the pet recovered. Perspective!
Well I managed to get through this morning with my cold, cynical heart mostly unaffected but then Obama started singing and I’m done for.
I _actively_ cried through it.
I promised historical puns from my research and as God is my witness I will deliver and give the people what they want.
We’ve some horrid Punsters in the mess, Boggs whom you remember is always at it but he never makes such awful puns as some of the quiet ones. I’ll put in a couple here which you can skip, if puns offend you. During a warm geological discussion one of the disputants asked which formation the butter found in the swamps of Ireland was of. When one of the odious Punsters not engaged in the discussion at all said he presumed that butter was “second dairy formation”, this the geologist granted when the milking was pri Mary.
One of the Scientifics thinks nothing good but French and is always eulogizing Bonaparte. Having as that Bonaparte never played at cards one of the acknowledged Punsters remarked that he had been “Loo’d once any how,” another, “yes and Loo’ed the throne of France in the same game” somebody wanted to know if Louis Phillipe filled the throne after the Empire, some one immediately thought “he would fill up a throne from Punch’s pictures of him”. We have a great deal of this sort of cross firing.
I *love* this. Love, love, love it.
Hee! Do you know the Patrick O’Brian novels? Jack Aubrey would love those puns. Who is it you’re researching? I love historic expeditions.
Toasties, wish me luck: I have to go try to buy a wedding dress tomorrow! Tell me wedding and wedding dress horror stories!
I was horrified by the wedding dress culture. My Beloved steered me to non-wedding dress shopping. Ended up with a dignified evening gown that just happened to be ivory. Good luck.
Thank you! My mother had heard of a parish near us whose ministry includes making weddings affordable, and they collect donations and sell them for cheap. I managed to find a dress I love for $90 (in under 2 hours!). But non-wedding dresses sounds like a good idea too. (Curse you, bridal-industrial complex! I should spend how much on a cake knife?)
I think you just won at wedding dresses!
I finally saw Mad Max: Fury Road this week and I think I am in love with Furiosa.
That is because you are a human with eyes and a heart. (One assumes.)
That is correct, I am a human, just like all the other humans here! I enjoy looking at things with my eyes and pumping blood with my heart, just like you, fellow human.
A delayed Welcome To The Club! There are some amazing comments in previous Open Threads that you should check out, as well as phenomenal tumblrs, and fanfics up the wazoo.
Thanks! I’ve had a bit of an explore so far, and there seems to be a lot out there.
OK, that eulogy was pretty amazing: http://jezebel.com/watch-obama-lead-charlestons-e…
Toast, do you have any mattress-buying advice? I have only ever had a mattress inherited from my parent’s house. I started looking for a queen mattress and box springs and was immediately overwhelmed by options and uncertain of how much money is reasonable (500? 2000?). I am a little disappointed in myself – I secretly think of myself as a talented shopper. Mattresses! I’m stumped and feel like the internet is suddenly only full of bloggers writing about how such and such mail-able mattress is wonderful and only for the low low price of $800.
I can actually vouch for the Casper mattress – I have one and I really do love it. (I’m super picky too.) I kept my old one until I was sure I wanted to commit but was an easy decision (and I have a $50 discount code, if you want it).
We have a Serta that was on clearance for $900ish, I believe. We decided to bite the bullet and spend the money after our IKEA memory foam one basically disintegrated under Mr. Blazes (who is a hot, moist sleeper). We kept the IKEA bed, though, so no box spring needed.
The Serta is Death Bed, the bed that eats people. AKA, it is so comfortable that leaving it is a battle every morning. It is the Hotel California of mattresses.
The big thing is, go to a real store and lay on the beds. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but the sales people are used to it. You’ll start noting differences and developing preferences. Also, do it soon. Life is too short to sleep on an uncomfortable mattress.
Nice! My husband has some insomnia issues and we’re working on making everything about our bedroom more comfortable and relaxing. We’d thought about $1500 total for a new, cozier and comfier bed felt right and hearing about the $900 Serta has me mentally upping new sheet thread count already.
Do you have an Original Mattress Factory where you live? I got mine there, and it was a LOT cheaper and better-made than at other places. And their salespeople are low-key and genuinely helpful. Otherwise, mattress salesmen are right up there with car salesmen in terms of unpleasantness.
Make sure you buy one that has double sides (i.e., the kind you can flip over). It’s a mark of quality and will last a lot longer!
Go and lay on a bunch of mattress. Ignore any advice on which is the ‘best’, the best is what feels comfortable for you. We recently got a new mattress and got the firmest possible one we could find, and it’s been great on our backs (my wife especially was having back problems from a too soft mattress).
When I was looking up reviews I always saw a bunch of negative ones for pretty much every brand, people saying they were wearing out, but over the course of several years? So that just seems like something mattresses do.
That’s super helpful – the reviews were making me anxious. Of course a bed that holds 300 pounds of humans every night (one of who is a thrasher) is going to wear out eventually!
I went to some mattress store, I think it was Sleep Train, and let the salespeople help me. They were not jerks and did not do a hard sell and I came away with an awesome mattress which I really like. I had to lie down on a lot of them to feel the difference. It was about $900? Which is not bad for something I am going to use *every day for years*.
I’ve had a few random variety spring with pillow tops over the years at reasonable price points (sub $500?) that have been very comfortable. Outlet type places are great, particularly if you don’t care that your box spring doesn’t match your mattress or whatever.
If you are going to be sharing your mattress with other human beings (or other creatures generally), latex is pretty good for not transferring all of the motion around. Ours is also quite comfy.
But really, laying around on mattresses is probably the answer. Also, unless you are the proud owner of a truck and a strapping young human or two, pay for delivery, as it is totally worth it. Mattresses are awkward to haul around, better to let other people deal with them.
Solid advice on paying someone else for delivery. Moving furniture with another person is one of a few things that I find intensely frustrating. I preserve my relationships by always paying for movers.
And they’ll often take your old mattress for free! Which is better than trying to figure out what to do with it
We spent a buttload of money on a TempurPedic mattress many years ago (maybe 10? more?) and it was a GREAT investment. Every single night I sleep in my own bed, I lay down and go “ahhhhhh.” I love my mattress so much I gave her a name (Maddie. Maddie the Mattress.). We went to the local Big Furniture Place and laid down on approximately four million mattresses and finally settled on this one because it was just the one we liked best. The only thing I’ll say about it is that after this many years, it takes longer to, like, “rebound” to its full firmness, especially when it’s warm. When it’s winter and cold it seems like it rebounds a lot quicker, which makes a certain kind of sense.
Also — if you can, get a split box spring, and save yourself the giant hole in the plaster we got from trying to move a queen-sized block of wood up the stairs 🙂 Mattresses you can bend to a certain extent, box springs not so much.
If you travel often, you have great opportunity. Hotel chains will tell you which mattresses are in their rooms. You can try before you buy. A bit like rental cars.
Good idea! When we were shopping I was actually traveling a lot for work and got to try the “sleep number” bed, which SUCKED. Saved us a lot of effort 🙂
Internet forum moderators! Let’s commiserate and share tactics. I’m one of the admins in a large facebook group, aimed at a certain hobby, with a strong progressive slant. There are good contributors who post well and help out others, but the group expanded very very quickly and got huge maybe 1.5 years ago, and with the influx of new members came a huge number of off topic posts (which end up in other people’s newsfeeds), a lower mean age and a large amount of members who don’t really get how the group works.
We’ve mostly sorted it out, but somehow the culture of the group evolved to be quite whiny, and I mean that literally – I don’t mean that people discuss why they don’t like a certain rule, I mean that it’s become normal to react with spammy passive-aggressiveness just from being told to not post off topic or to not use the group instead of Google. A lot of those people are very young (we got a whole bunch of members in their teens and didn’t realise at first) and panic because they believe that scary adults are mad at them, but some adult members also behave like that.
The progressive slant means that people argue back with social justice language (like “I thought this was a safe space”) each time anyone reacts with sadness, confusion and terror at getting told to update their post in a nice or neutral tone. It also means that many of the adults who are good contributors ALSO feel that it’s kind of wrong to enforce rules, because it makes people feel bad – but! They do want the rules to be followed, they just think we should be able to moderate the group without making anyone feel sad. The problem is that those people get upset simply because there are rules, not because anyone’s actually mean or unreasonable.
I feel that this creates a culture where the most upset person is always right and anyone can “win” by freaking out more than everybody else, and it’s kind of ruining this awesome discussion space. Threads get derailed with the speed of lightning, and we can’t lock threads because Facebook, and we can’t delete threads (well, we do) because that often spawns new threads complaining about “censorship”…
I’m afraid I don’t have much in the way of advice but as someone who has spent the year putting in a lot of hours free for an NGO that protects freedom of expression, I just want to express commiserations and also my contempt for people who use the word ‘censorship’ in such contexts.
YES GOD they literally use the word “tyranny” completely unironically. Completely unironically! I actually had someone remind me tearfully that “with great power comes great responsibility” because I had told someone else to remove some mildly offensive stuff, which drew out everybody with an opinion and the shitstorm was on. I wanted to say “well yes I agree, and with tiny power comes just a little responsibility”, buuut I didn’t.
I can’t argue with people who are this earnest, I just can’t. If they’re even a little witty or self-aware, I can handle it. I’ve no problem whatsoever yelling at people who put up a fight, or with banning them if they harass me. But when they’re just ineptly crying at me (even if it’s for oh I don’t know maybe EIGHT HOURS), it feels like I’m about to step on an extremely obnoxious kitten.
Oh my god. I think I was slightly sick in my mouth. Tyrrany?! WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY?! Oh god. URARGHH what a completely ridiculous thing to say in the context!! How can you bear it? You are a better person than I am, that you’ve put up with this for so long.
This is worse than the time I blew my top because some prick I used to know used the words ‘chilling effect’ (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilling_effect) because lots of people complained after a Conservative politician made a speech blaming feminism for holding back working-class men.
I feel your pain! I used to moderate two non-FB forums, and now moderate 2 FB groups. My favourite one is ‘this is not a democracy, it is a dictatorship and the moderators are the dictators’ minions. I’ts nothing personal, I don’t hate you, but [rule xyz]’
Also i always preface a moderatory post with ‘with moderator hat on’ and end it with ‘takes hat off again’ – so that I can contribute normally as well and not have people huffing and puffing.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa today.
I felt really off all day, couldn’t focus, was afraid to work on anything in case of screwing it up real bad.
Then all the best things happened in the States (but I am not lifting my self-imposed ‘Merica boycott, sorry, not until black people stop getting killed). I am about to watch the eulogy and cry my face off.
A couple of really horrible things happened in Canada, like the senate? I mean what even.
But I am here for advice on a specific thing: BIKINI WAXES. Today was my first profesh one in like a decade, and I can’t remember what standards are supposed to be. It’s asymmetrical, which I think I have a right to “NEVER GOING BACK” about, but I think I’m supposed to let go of the fact that I’m covered in leftover wax, and some straggler hairs? Is that about right? HOW DOES THIS WORK GUYS.
I don’t think we’re allowed to talk about that anymore…
http://the-toast.net/2013/07/02/all-you-can-say-a…
ugghghhhgh okay how about “professional waxing etiquette in general, in a being-nice-to-people-who-are-customer-service way.”
VANCOUVER TOASTFOLK!
(and those visiting for the FIFA final next weekend)
Would you still like to arrange some kind of meetup, maybe Friday night, or Saturday? I am going away to the island this weekend but if you all want to think about it and maybe we can kind of talk about it on twitter early next week?
**If you are single and not happy about it and want children then you might not want to read this.** (I hope this doesn’t seem patronising but I know I have lots of friends who would find my problem below really really annoying and frustrating and upsetting to hear.)
Sorry for length but I’m scared and need to get this off my chest and if you have any advice or wise words or comfort, please send them this way.
Arghhh I’m getting quite antsy and unhappy because I’m now 28 and I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 10 years and I really, really love him and we have a great relationship BUT recently I’ve realised that I still really don’t want children in the foreseeable future — in fact I think it likely I would never want children ever. I always thought when I was younger that it seems possible, even likely, that when I’m almost 30 and with a stable partner, the prospect of children won’t be so horrifying. But it still is. I don’t know what feeling broody feels like. Whenever I spend any time with young children, I sometimes think they’re sweet but the strongest emotion I feel is ‘Thank God it’s not my responsibility!’ However I know my boyfriend has always wanted children one day and is getting really broody and he wants one while in his early 30s and argh!!
We have talked about this problem a little bit but since now is a super stressful time and he’s waiting to hear back next week about whether his contract will be renewed, I don’t feel it fair to have proper discussions about it. Besides what is there to do or say? Neither of us can compromise on this. I can’t give birth to approx 20 yrs to a lifetime of responsibility because my partner wants me to and he certainly wouldn’t want me to do that either. And he can’t just not have children when he so desperately wants them. If I could guarantee I’d want children when I’m in my late 30s or something then I think he’d wait for me, but I can’t guarantee that at all. And it’s not every day you find someone you want to marry, let alone have children with and he’d need time to find someone.
I mean it’s possible that maybe once I have a stable job I would feel differently too. (I’ve only just finished my PhD so I have basically had a very prolonged student life.) I’m hoping so. Though god knows when that would be considering my field is academia. But I’ve never wanted children and unlike a lot of my peers now (both male and female) I don’t feel any wish for one when I look at children. What I want is travel and adventure and fun. I feel like our lives are diverging.
I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. I can’t imagine anyone who would be so perfect for me. I’m really frightened of what will happen to us.
(Also I feel weirdly guilty because so many of my friends would love to be in my position and quite a few of the friends I’d usually talk to, I don’t feel I can. And another tiny, even weirder part of me feels like ‘errm yay gender sterotype reversal?’ even though I feel awful and distracted and really wish I did want children so it wouldn’t mess up my life.)
I am sorry for all the frustration and anxiety around this, and the really really hard place it puts you into with your boyfriend. It is very scary when you look at your desires & a partner’s desires and see that they seem to be diverging. But I think you are *amazing and awesome* for knowing so clearly that you are not interested in taking on the responsibility of raising children and knowing that this is not something you can compromise on for anyone else.
Thank you so, so much for your comforting words. I really appreciate it. x
You are very welcome! It is something I have thought a lot about. 🙂
I am a person who does not want kids, and luckily my partner also doesn’t. So that’s where I’m coming from in this. But I will say, if my partner woke up tomorrow desperately wanting children, I know we would have to end our relationship. We would both be heartbroken, it would suck so infinitely bad, but eventually we would both heal. What wouldn’t heal are the wounds that would result from me having a kid I didn’t want, or from being a kid that wasn’t wanted, or being the partner of someone who resented you and the child you made together.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but you are hella smart for knowing what you want and what you cannot compromise on (it’s not like you can have 0.5 kids!). There is a reason that having children is one of those “deal breakers” for people. The stakes are so high, you know? You’re talking about bringing a life into the world. That’s not anything anyone should do half-assed.
Thank you very much for your advice — yeah exactly, the stakes are far, far too high! If it were anything else, like living in a country I really didn’t want to, I’d consider it. But a child! I just don’t think it’s right to choose to bring one into the world when your heart’s not in it.
You are me ten years ago. 🙁 I totally feel your pain and remember vividly how heartwrenching it was. We met at 20, it was absolutely perfect in so many ways until his biological clock started ticking and mine didn’t.
We ended up splitting up after 10 years. It just about broke me when we split up, and it was ever so hard for a very long time. It’s a horrible place to be in and I’m so sorry for you. But ilfe is great for me now – I was single for ages, now I’m in a long distance relationship which suits me down to the ground (because I still really like being single, didn’t and don’t want a boyfriend and was a bit grumpy about him creeping up on me and sneaking into feelings), and although I’m sometimes wistful for what we had before it went sour, my life in general is exactly what I’d always wanted it to be – just not with the person I’d expected to be sharing it with. Which is still (even after 7 years) sometimes a bit sad, but I am happy now. I love my life, I didnt’ think I woul ever be happy without my ex in it, but I am, and if you go down that route, you will be too.
Thank you very much for sharing your very personal experience. While it’s (obviously) not something that I can feel like ‘Oh right cool it’ll be fine then!’ about, it’s still good and reassuring to hear that life does go on from someone who went through the same thing — thank you so much. What I guess I’ll say to him is that I totally understand if he wants to leave to try to find someone who wants children, I would like it if he could wait another year or two until I have a steady(ish) job, in case that big circumstantial change makes a difference. I’ll be totally honest and make it clear that I don’t know if it will make a difference and I’m inclined to think it won’t, so he can make an informed decision. Do you think that’s a good idea?
Do you think that living the next couple of years with that hanging over you is going to be bearable? I am not sure it would have been for me.
Have you thought about counselling? Relate helped us (me) a lot – it didn’t keep us together but it was a massive help in both of us sorting out what we really felt, what might have been negotiable, what was definitely not, why I didn’t want kids,why he did, etc etc etc. It was also invaluable to me in the aftermath – I kept seeing the counsellor afterwards for a while and it really helped me cope.
Like the other posters above, I think you are awesome for taking this decision seriously. Parenting is too important to be accidental or a default. I chose to remain child-free. But I support good parenting when I can.
I think you will want to tell your partner soon that you are X% certain you want to remain child-free for the rest of your life and that you will not change your mind. Make it clear whether you wish to remain a couple with him. And make it clear that if he wishes to remain with you, he must accept that it is X% certain that he will also be child-free for life. Then you both need to discuss (or set a time to discuss in the near future) what you would do in the event of an accidental pregnancy.
The result of these conversations may well be a breakup. Or may result in your boyfriend deciding to sacrifice potential parenthood to remain your partner. Neither is easy. I’m sorry for your struggles. But I believe you have what it takes to get through this with integrity and kindness.
I’m a couple days late, but I am in a pretty similar spot, and I’m glad to hear from someone else working through it. I’m the same age, and I’m in the more stereotypical gender situation (I’m a man who is pretty darn certain that I never want kids; my partner is a woman who is unsure/doesn’t want to foreclose that option), but it is hard, hard stuff either way.
Here is how I’m thinking of it, for now. If we, the partners who don’t want children, are honest and up-front, and don’t string our SOs along with false assurances about maybe changing our minds, we are doing right by them in the most important way. But the tricky part is, we are also getting what we want from the status quo (no kids), and our partners maybe are not. Where I’ve landed for now is that so long as I continue to be honest, it’s not up to me to decide that this doesn’t work for my partner; she has to decide for herself whether our relationship is worth the probability of never having children. But somehow, it doesn’t seem fair to put the onus on our partners for breaking a status quo that is happy in so many ways, does it?
All the commiseration in the world.
i crave avocado almost daily, yet i am allergic to it. this did not used to be the case.
pity me, but do not judge.
I developed an allergy or intolerance or something to romaine lettuce and all I want now are Cesar salads.
Lighting up the White House in rainbow colours is genius. Congrats, Americans, welcome to the club. My country joined 10 years ago and there’s been no sign of the Antichrist yet, unless you count Rob Ford.
Sorry to hear that about GBS. 🙁 I hope that this time your water breaking doesn't precede active labor by as much time!
Exciting that you're so close to the big day, though!! Good luck getting through the last few days/weeks.
Often folks will just give themselves a pass on rules while on vacation. I feel like that is fair, personally.
Went to see Jurassic World this afternoon to get away from the heat. Main takeaways: 1) dinosaurs!!!!; 2) Andy Dwyer and dinosaurs!!!; 3) Jurassic Park sure was awesome; 4) Bryce Dallas Howard should be Beverly Crusher in the TNG reboot (which I just made up just now).
We're supposed to be closing on a house in four weeks and so I'd thought we'd wait. But I love a sale and am insanely attached to getting a deal. Maybe we'll go July 4 weekend and see if they can hold it…
Summer is marvelous. Unless you hate it, in which case, don’t worry, life is fleeting and will soon turn to winter.
Please can it be winter now? It is meant to go up to 32 degrees C here this week, the prospect of which fills me with horror.
Thank you! My mother had heard of a parish near us whose ministry includes making weddings affordable, and they collect donations and sell them for cheap. I managed to find a dress I love for $90 (in under 2 hours!). But non-wedding dresses sounds like a good idea too. (Curse you, bridal-industrial complex! I should spend how much on a cake knife?)
Oh good! And I will trust that advice (being disappointed/unsettled by a book, especially from an author you otherwise really enjoy, is a uniquely upsetting experience I think).
Thank you! It ended up being really nice.