1,055 Comments

  1. CleverManka +40

    I’m looking forward to being back for Open Thread!

    I don’t remember which Toastie posted (ages ago) about The Schrödinger Sessions, but I wanted to thank you. The Burgomaster was accepted and attended and he had a fantastic time.

    Also! My Etsy shop is restocked with more larger-size bloomers and a coupon code. Use code TOAST for 20% off through the end of the month.

          1. CleverManka +1

            Thank you! And they look so much better on a person instead of lying flat on my cutting table. I would like to photograph them on a mannequin but I don’t have the space or the money for one. *sigh*

    3. katenepveu +4

      Oh wow, that’s almost certainly me–I’m married to Chad Orzel, one of the co-runners and the guy who gave one of the intro lectures. I’m so excited to hear that it went well, Chad thought it did but feedback from the participants is always awesome. Thanks for reporting back!

      1. CleverManka +4

        Yay! I’m so glad you saw this and replied. I’m not gonna reveal his identity, but please tell Chad the Burgomaster was the one with the kilt and he had such a great time and oh my god he won’t stop talking about it. Never mind that maybe two of our friends (on their good days) can understand the science he’s sharing. At first it was adorable, but after six days of it?

        But also how fun to have a tiny real-life connection with you! eeee!

      1. CleverManka +1

        I am out of white ribbon and black lace, but if you don’t mind cream-colored lace, I can make you a special order! PM me on Etsy if you’re interested and I’ll let you know what fabrics I have in stock.

  2. deleted7410012 +33

    i’m just glad it’s the weekend. happy weekend to those who get a weekend, toasties.

  3. houblonchouffe +41

    Tonight will be a celebration, for today is the Mantern’s last day. Halle-fucking-lujah. We will also be sending off friends who are moving out of town, AND next week is a short week because next weekend is the Hippie Family Reunion that has been part of my life since… since forever, or before, really; it all started when a bunch of high school and college kids worked as lifeguards together in the mid-1960s and became best friends, and then lived in a commune together. Some went to Vietnam, some went to Canada; some married each other and some married outside the group; some had kids and some didn’t; but they’re all still soul-friends to this day and we have a weekend-long-or-longer party every summer. It is the literal best thing that happens in my year most years, this year likely being trumped by wedding, and I cannot WAIT to get there and campfire and sing and eat and catch up with everyone and, of all bloody things, they’re throwing us our only actual wedding shower, which, given the people involved, is going to be hilarious.

    On top of all this, I am rejoining one of my very, very favorite theatre families this fall. In 2006, our community theatre did a production of The Rocky Horror Show, which was revived with much of the same cast in 2012 but I lived too far away to be in it. This week, the director confirmed another revival for October and asked me to join the cast and it’s all my friends from the 2006 show and I CAN’T WAIT.

    So, my dear Toasts: tell me about your chosen family and how you celebrate together.

    1. CleverManka +10

      Family of choice is the best. Have a great time!

      My chosen family is mostly a bunch of introverts (with the exception of the Burgomaster, lucky me). We celebrate together by hanging out (with food, sometimes a movie) three or four times a year even though we all live in the same town. WACKY TIMES!

    2. celyse +3

      This sounds beautiful! Wishing you perfect weather and bottomless cups of your beverage of choice.

      My chosen family came from humble beginnings: the nerdy fraternity who liked dressing up for parties and kicking creepy dudes out of aforementioned parties. They’re good dudes who’ve picked good dudes and ladies to make a solid core family. Five years out, we’re a hodgepodge of ages and states and marital statuses who get together every New Year’s Eve and have epic text threads in between various other weekends. It hasn’t been that long, but we’ve seen each other through many graduate programs, elopements, weddings, cross-country moves, and cancer diagnoses. I love them all so much and I am so excited to share so much with them!

    3. Heathered +16

      I’m hunting for my chosen family now! Not like Steven Seagal, with a bow and arrow or anything, but looking for people who mean home to me. Also, a place that means that. So these stories are really nice to see.

      1. houblonchouffe +2

        eeeee!!! <3

        This popped up on my FB feed yesterday and I kind of lost my mind a little.

  4. BourneApprox +121

    I quit my job as a physics postdoc this past week, voluntarily ending my 12+ year voyage in academic science and giving up a position at a good university, because I was miserable. I’m currently unemployed, have no new job lined up, and will never again be able to call myself a physicist. And I could not feel better about it. No more pointless make-work tasks or stressful work trips to listen to bad Powerpoint talks. No more being strung along for a faculty or government lab job which will never materialize. No more trying to stay awake during incomprehensible theory seminars, or being forced to work with the world’s worst C++ framework (fuck yooou ROOT). No more worrying about betraying the entirety of womenkind and feminism by “leaking out of the pipeline.” I am free. -Ish. (Still plan on looking for STEM industry jobs.) Husband is still employed, so I have the freedom to take a week or two to stop being so angry at it all. Well, maybe just less angry. Maybe I’ll play some videogames and nap a little first.

      1. BourneApprox +16

        But if the water had just tried harder and shown a little more initiative…. /s

    3. grumblyqueer +52

      The thing everyone seems to forget about the lack of women in higher STEM education is that higher education in general is rough, STEM degrees are a nightmare, and academia is decidedly not for everyone. Staying in a miserable job wouldn’t be sticking it to the man, it’d be sticking it to yourself.

      1. BourneApprox +11

        Yeah, it got easier for me to leave once I realized how many excellent scientists I knew of both genders were leaving before tenure track. The system is deeply broken right now, at least in my particular field, and I’m only hurting myself here.

        1. sorrycassandra +10

          Definitely not just in your particular field…

          Raising a toast from a humanities exile who’s also on the nonacademic job market right now! I feel like the challenge is making a doctorate look sexy instead of making them go, “Crap, s/he’s way out of our price range/will leave us posthaste when the next academic thing comes along.” I promise you, potential employers: (a) I remember grad school and my definition of a decent paycheck is not that exacting, and (b) there will never be a next academic thing.

    4. cosetthetable +46

      will never again be able to call myself a physicist

      fwiw, I only have a BA in math, and my job involves some basic arithmetic but certainly no higher level math, and i still self-identify as a mathematician.

      So, I mean, call yourself a physicist IFF you want to call yourself a physicist, and everyone else can fuck right off.

      1. houblonchouffe +26

        Took the words right out of my mouth. Even if I never run another marathon, I can call myself a marathoner for the rest of my life. Even if you never again [practice?} physics, YOU ARE A FUCKING PHYSICIST FOREVER.

        1. cosetthetable +30

          I mean, I acknowledge that with just a BA, I’m on slightly shaky ground. But I presented at multiple conferences and still try to use graph theory terms to try to explain things, so, whatever. But postdoc = after doc = AFTER FUCKING PHD.

          I think we can all pretty much agree that a PHD IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. (also marathons. daaaaamn. marathons. daaaaamn. dissertations.)

      4. logicbutton +22

        Tbh anyone who uses “IFF” in conversation has no need to justify identifying as a mathematician.

        1. cosetthetable +17

          Every so often I explain different sized infinities to people just to see their brains break.

      5. BourneApprox +19

        Dawww. Also, at the very least, I can still put “Dr.” at the front of my name on forms. Damn it if my whole PhD wasn’t worth it just for that, woohoo!

      6. mmsees +8

        Yeah, I’m in my second year of a neuro PhD (just qualified! officially a candidate!) and I occasionally call myself a neuroscientist. If I can claim neuroscientist, you can claim physicist.

    5. cait0716 +18

      Cheers. And you can still be a scientist even if you aren’t in academia. I quit physics a while back and now I’m some mix of systems and software engineer.

      1. BourneApprox +10

        Oh yeah, I think I’ll definitely still try to be a scientist! Maybe actually doing science for a change, instead of being essentially a low-paid middle manager and poorly trained computer scientist, heh. How did you go about starting to find new fields when you left?

        1. cait0716 +10

          It turns out physics prepares you really well for most engineering jobs. I had enough programming experience (Java/C++) to get my foot in the door writing software. And the fact that I’m not scared of math is greatly appreciated, because most people are scared of math.

        2. Beakses +5

          My husband dropped out of his physics PhD program about a year in or so, but stayed good friends with a bunch of people from the program, so he has a whole range of friends and friends of friends doing all sorts of non-physics things (actually, I’m not entirely certain he knows even one physics PhD who is actually doing physics, so you’re in good company there).

          I know one couple wound up doing physics adjacent research at IBM, a few others had found their physics research going in slightly non-physics directions during school and kept going down those sorts of paths. There’s at least one or two data scientists in the mix, too.

          We went to a wedding celebration for the couple who is now at IBM a few years ago, which contained vastly more physicists than I ever expected to meet in one room- they were all doing really interesting things (from what I understood, at least). I might be able to put you in contact with a few of them through my husband- you’re welcome drop me a line at [email protected] if you want.

    6. octopoda +6

      Congratulations! I was debating trying to go to grad school for physics / astronomy for a while (and didn’t get in anywhere the first time I applied) then decided maybe no. I’m pretty happy just having a steady job and reading blog posts on space stuff.

      Video games are definitely called for!

      1. BourneApprox +6

        Thanks! Welllll, it just so happens that I’ve got a (free!) copy of The Witcher 3 sitting right here on my desktop. If that’s not an Unemployment Game, I don’t know what is…

    7. Hey_Cinderella +16

      I feel like you’ve earned the right after all that to still call yourself a physicist. I mean, I’m an editor for a craft magazine and I STILL refer to myself as a historian. Old habits die hard, and if you’ve put in your time (3 years teaching small things at a history museum for me) then you can absolutely give yourself that title.

      Enjoy your bit of freedom!

      1. literarysara +18

        Yes to this, and more of it please. Neither a doctorate nor a university posting nor recognition from some credited person should be necessary for pursuing and identifying with the field you’ve already dedicated a huge chunk of your life to.

        I’m still working on my doctorate but I’ve been in the program so long and feel so out of love with my university that I identify as an “independent scholar” on my publications.

    9. literarysara +9

      Congratulations, Bourne. I respect your decision and am here to commiserate about academic nonsense at any time. Or commiserate about video games if you prefer!

      1. BourneApprox +4

        Haha, juuuust about to start The Witcher 3, so you may be getting some rants re: misogyny in videogames pretty soon. (I loved The Witcher 2 dearly, but that love came with some MASSIVE reservations about its politics and representation.)

    10. eleventysix +14

      “No more worrying about betraying the entirety of womenkind and feminism by ‘leaking out of the pipeline.’ ” ooooh man, this! have been told multiple times i’m “not allowed to leave academia bc i’ll be contributing to the problem. and for now, i don’t want to, but…hmmm.

      anyhoo: congrats to you! i’m glad you’ve found freedom and no misery! good luck on the job search – hope you find something fulfilling.

      1. ToastiewithCheese +19

        A female professor tried to guilt me into staying using that argument. Yeah, sorry. My happiness takes precedence over statistics.

        2. sorrycassandra +12

          But who wouldn’t want to sacrifice everything to be the department Smurfette?!

          Oh right, me. Women were pretty well represented in my field, but not in my particular corner of the discipline where toxic stagnant machismo reigned. I was the only woman who ever did a dissertation with my particular advisor, and that should tell you something.

      2. BourneApprox +9

        Thank you. 🙂 And yeah, the feeling that I needed to “carry the torch” was a constant source of background static for me throughout my whole career, even when I was doing work that made me happy. It doesn’t help that modern internet culture tends to rather fetishize women in science sometimes as well. Like, geez, I just want to be my vaguely unenthusiastic mid-level-quality self, not someone’s brilliant symbol of social progress, thanks.

    12. missmonicae +6

      Congratulations! And good luck!

      “No more worrying about betraying the entirety of womenkind and feminism by “leaking out of the pipeline.””

      I’m struggling with this as I plan to ditch my plans for grad school in math. Do these worries evaporate once you pull the trigger? How did you deal with it?

      1. cosetthetable +10

        My worries didn’t evaporate. I deal by reminding myself that I because I wouldn’t have been happy pursuing research mathematics for that long, I wouldn’t have actually been a great boon to womankind if I’d kept going. Who wants a miserable role model?

      2. BourneApprox +14

        I actually feel completely fine. What really helped me was realizing that the whole idea of “leaking out of the pipeline” is in itself bullshit, as if all that talent suddenly evaporates into nothingness. (I’m rather sick of academia’s idea that academia is the only path that matters, mind you.) This essay, about re-hiring back into the pipeline, helped a lot: https://modelviewculture.com/pieces/re-recruit-fr…

        1. missmonicae +5

          Oooh, good point. I’m going to hang onto that one (especially since I’m “leaking” into public health or teaching).

      3. lolzenges +1

        I have alot of feeling about math. I didn’t really like school, so it wouldn’t actually have made much sense to go to grad school, but I still feel guilty that I didn’t do well enough/set myself up in my undergrad to apply. I have vague plans to write the math GRE at some point just to prove something to myself.

    13. GruntledDave +54

      “Leaking out of the pipeline” implies that there is in fact a pipeline that leads somewhere. Academia is more like a big, stagnant vat where you wait for someone to die and then you get to Hunger Games with everyone else for the empty spot. Congratulations on escaping!

      2. Mrs_Peel +1

        This is the best description of academia I’ve ever heard, and I’ll be passing it along to my adjunct professor boyfriend.

    14. LaxMom +9

      You can get industry jobs, get paid tons more, and screw whoever said that to you. But consider teaching high schoolers? My kids really love their teachers that aren’t from an educational undergrad background. And you could teach the honors kids.

      1. BourneApprox +5

        Hah, I would do that, but unfortunately my dislike for teaching was one of the reasons that I decided to leave the tenure-track path. I have two friends who’ve gone on to teach math and physics in high school, however, and they’re having a great time!

    15. ToastiewithCheese +9

      Agree with everyone here saying you still get to call yourself a physicist. I still do! And I “leaked out” (ugh, hate that phrase) as soon as they gave me my PhD. It’s too valuable a weapon against mansplainers to just give up!

      1. BourneApprox +14

        I’ll happily keep my decade of training just for the pleasure of saying “Actually, it’s DOCTOR [BourneApprox].”

    16. MayKatieMae +11

      You might feel a lot better once you’re away from the academia mindset. I left the world of academic physics/astronomy after my first postdoc, and it was a great decision! You’re just making a career change, getting a different job, and people do that all the time. You might end up still doing a lot of physics, in an environment with like 50% of the bullshit!

      I think that while you’re in the “pipeline”, all you hear is that tenure track is the ultimate and only goal, and anything else is a failure. I never wanted that kind of job, and was always told “But you’re smart enough! You can!”. Listen, there are not enough faculty jobs for every Ph.D., leave that life to the people who want it and get a job that you enjoy! You got your Ph.D. and that was hopefully worthwhile to you no matter how you end up employed.

      1. BourneApprox +8

        The moment I started thinking about leaving the field was a dinner with a female professor on my experiment. Her “advice” for me essentially broke down into two points: A) Academic science is a difficult career, and you have to really WANT it to succeed. B) But why would you ever want to do anything else? It’s the only field that’s worth doing! Suddenly started seeing how unhealthy the whole mindset was, for both genders. Honestly, what I need to do is stop pursuing the most “prestigious” jobs – if I’m being honest, I previously did this in looking at jobs and universities, and now the classic “prestigious” post-physics job is hedge fund work – and to start looking for something that I actually find intellectually and personally rewarding. Here’s to better times!

    17. AnonyName +4

      Thank you so much for this post and the resulting thread! I am in the same boat (though, only an 10 year journey). My current position is up next month and it’s hard to shake the feeling of ..well.. everything you wrote is exactly on point! Knowing that this is the first year in a long time that I won’t be submitting an abstract to Big Annual Conference is giving me conflicting feels.

      1. BourneApprox +3

        Glad it helped a little! 🙂 There are so many little science rituals that I’m both going to miss and be SO GODDAMN HAPPY TO NEVER DO AGAIN EVERRRR.

    18. poppy +2

      Well, not sure if it is your cup of tea, but you can easily go into finance with a physics PhD and be well paid. I have a friend who does that and teaches one course a semester at a university, just because he doesn’t want to forget the pure discipline.

      1. BourneApprox +6

        I actually interviewed with a few companies earlier this year, just to get practice. I’m not entirely opposed to it, and holy shit it pays well, but I have to be very choosey about company culture and what parts of finance I go into. For instance, banks are full of bros, and high-frequency trading is extremely dodgy and probably going to result in a new crash at some point, but there are certain investment advising firms which do really interesting technology-based work. The interview process was frikkin terrifying, though, which was good prep for the future. (Holy shit, do NOT make me do math over the phone!)

        1. Dr. Sugarbean +3

          I am currently stuck in my academic job because of visa issues. Right now I’m feeling imposter syndrome big time. The truth is I’m being overworked and had I less on my plate, I would do better, but I’m completely unable to communicate that to my mentor.

          1. BourneApprox +3

            Oh geez, visa troubles make things SO much worse. I’m lucky enough to be a US citizen, but most of my close friends in science are foreigners on J1s or H1Bs, and they feel intensely trapped sometimes. We managed to get my husband a greencard after we were married, which has made things a lot easier, but the process was AWFUL. Bureaucratic stress + overwork + impostor syndrome + bad communication = urghhhhhhhh. So many many sympathies here. 🙁

          2. Dr. Sugarbean +3

            Thank you so much for replying! I’m currently in lab looking at yet another failed result and you made me feel so much better. (Also illegal wine in a coffee cup 😉

          4. Dr. Sugarbean +1

            Sorry if this ends up being a double post, but I wanted to be sure that my thanks got through! Really, thank you for responding so encouragingly. And best of luck with your search! My friend transitioned from academia to data science and finds it fulfilling. I hope you find something wonderful too.

    19. fenixdawn +11

      Former academic here to give you so many high fives!! Good work, congrats, and good luck!!!!!!

    20. Cricket

      Chicago is the home stomping ground of my favorite street band, Environmental Encroachment!

  5. grandma_nancy +24

    I’m looking forward to my move to Chicago, ONE WEEK from today! Tell me everything you love about Chicago, Toasties.

        1. j_bird +3

          LETS TAKE THIS OUTSIDE

          …no, wait, it’s probably either bitter cold or super humid outside.

          2. j_bird +2

            Thin crust???? Blasphemy!

            Actually, upon looking at the website, Spacca Napoli sounds delicious.

          3. Just Saying +1

            I respectfully disagree with all of you. The pizza at Eataly is even better (this is coming from a former Spacca Napoli evangelist) 🙂

          4. anniekate76 +3

            Friends, friends! Who is to say what pizza is best!? I love all our many pizzas, from the lowliest dive bar slice to the thickest and most cheesey of deep dishes. Pizza is meant to bring us together not tear us apart. Fight if you must but not in Pizza’s name.

    2. Olgasrevenge +8

      Hello and welcome! My favorite thing about Chicago is the lakefront. I’m from a rural area and moved here about six years ago, and I find that when the buildings/people start to feel like they’re closing in on you, walking along the lakefront is the perfect way to decompress. There are beaches and parks all along it, my favorite being Promontory Point in Hyde Park. Navy Pier shoots off fireworks over the lake in the summer on Wednesdays and Saturdays and you can see them from several places along the lakefront.

      The lake is of course not everything I love about Chicago, but I think it’s safe to say it’s up there with my favorites.

    3. her_again +13

      Hey, I used to live there! I think what I miss most is the huge array of things to do on weekends. You’ll never be bored, even in (shudder) winter. The big attractions (Art Institute, MSI, Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium) get a lot of well-deserved hype, but the Chicago History Museum is a super interesting, super engaging little gem of a museum. (Plus you can get a Groupon for $8 tickets.) And of course the free zoo in Lincoln Park! The Children’s Zoo actually has a lot of really interesting animals (e.g. bears and wolves), so don’t skip it.

      Also, the city itself is just really liveable and easy to enjoy. The el generally runs frequently and on time, and the streets are clean, and the public parks are well maintained. I found Big City Living in Chicago to be so much easier than, for instance, New York. Enjoy it! I miss Chicago!

    4. irishbreakfasttime +6

      The big parks! The lovely old enormous downtown library. And the million little branch libraries, so I can grab books and hang out in a park reading, possibly with a tasty deli sandwich. The way I don’t have to plan my day precisely because the city (at least the part I’m in) is quite walkable and full of frequent buses.

        1. grandma_nancy +3

          ooh, thank you. this looks great, and it’s only a couple of weeks after my boyfriend moves out there too, so it’ll be a fun activity for both of us!

    5. Either_Ada +8

      THE VIOLET HOUR. It’s like an English gentleman’s club inside, but lavender. And the cocktails are perfect. Then one might go get Big Star tacos across the street, for alcohol absorption.

      1. deleted9457019 +2

        oooor for more whiskey?? seriously how do you not avoid just getting more whiskey

        But actually, that’s good to know Violet Hour is still open! I was on the Big Star patio in Sunday and across the street there was no line so I wondered.

        1. Either_Ada +2

          I did not even realize they had a good whiskey selection (though that doesn’t surprise me). I usually get so deep into “bartender’s choice” cocktail territory, there’s no coming back. I would require a second liver.

        4. irishbreakfasttime +3

          ok! Question: Is VH unbearably crowded on a Friday evening? Also, is there a facebook or some other group that is a better meetup planning forum?

          1. onehundredthjen +2

            There is a Chicago Toasties group on fb which has been used to plan meetups in the past!

          2. RudyRed +2

            I am not 100% positive but I’d be willing to bet money that VH is unbearably crowded on a Friday evening. Or, if not unbearably crowded, then possessing of a long line to get in.

          3. irishbreakfasttime +4

            good to know – I’ve actually never been! But next time I’m on FB I’ll find the toastgroup and propose a couple weekday nights, see if we can get a classy cocktail Toastup going.

          4. sluts4ever +5

            You should plan to go on a Tuesday because contrary to popular music the club does not go up on a Tuesday in Chicago and Violet Hour will not have a line and I will finally be able to go (loath lines).

      4. houblonchouffe +3

        welp that’s added to the “when we finally get around to going to Chicago” list

    6. onehundredthjen +8

      The Heartland Cafe in Rogers Park. Even with kind of crappy recent changes it’s a great place.

      1. deleted9457019 +5

        OMG I am going there (actually the Red Line Tap) tonight to see my college roommate’s band? I haven’t been there in YEARS.

        1. onehundredthjen +2

          I hope you have fun! I always want to like the Red Line Tap so much (the stumble home from there being ridiculously short). Report back!

      2. whizzdumb +2

        The Heartland Cafe was basically my living room from 2003 to 2005, when I was young and in the way, and lived next door in a big building on Lunt.

    7. grumblyqueer +13

      Lou Malnati’s, everything mentioned above, and the queer neighborhoods. Not just Boystown, which is more of the twinks-in-mesh-tank-tops scene, but Andersonville. It’s like a bunch of dog-owning dykes decided to settle down all at once in a land of Swedish festivals and locally-owned eco-friendly businesses. It’s a thing of beauty.

      1. RudyRed +1

        I have a hypothesis that Logan Square is the new queer hotspot in town. Have you seen how many cute gals in button-down shirts and Tegan and Sara haircuts there are around there?! (Hypothesis is complicated by the queer-looking straight hipster phenomenon.)

    8. onehundredthjen +7

      Oh also the Newberry Library Book Fair. Make a mental note to hit it up next July!

    9. osutein +9

      Welcome to the Windy City! The Lake, the Mexican food, the relative cost of living compared to most major cities in the US, the general friendliness and lack of pretention of the people, the 606 trail, the amazing array of free concerts, movies, and other events in the summer, the feel of the different neighborhoods, the skyline lit up at night that still 10 years on still takes my breath away sometimes.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +8

        Every time I’m coming home from visiting my folks in Indiana the skyline appearing just hits me in the heart like OH I LIVE HERE. I’m told that feeling never goes away.

    10. goonerkate +6

      Everything. I love everything about Chicago. I moved away in June and miss it desperately. There is always something to do, even if it’s just going to enjoy one of the million parks around the city. I’m a big fan of concerts, and there is always somebody good playing somewhere, the Art Museum is a cliched favorite but also completely unmissable, and the food. Oh my goodness, the food. And as someone else mentioned, the lake is always fantastic, especially if you need a break from the crowded city.

    11. larocquen +5

      Pretty much ALL THE THINGS. The Berghoff, the CSO and the jazz festival are my faves.

    12. eleventysix +6

      helloooooo! one week from today i will be thinking happy “welcome to the city!” thoughts.

      i love how much more bike friendly the city is getting – it makes it easier to take advantage of the great stuff to do in the neighborhoods. i like the random summer festivals you run into without meaning to, and that there is ALWAYS something going on by the lake. i like the museums and the FOOD (so. much. food.) and that the running community isn’t full of jerkoffs.

      basically, i like this city bunches. hope you will too 🙂

    13. RudyRed +7

      I love the weather. Yes, even the winters. Yes, even the rapid-fire shifts in weather. It keeps me on my toes!

      I love biking the city. It is, IMO, the ideal way of getting around Chicago. You are not subject to the vagaries of public transit delays, and you don’t have to deal with traffic or the lack of parking that car-drivers face. And you get to see the neighborhoods, and it’s good exercise.

      I love the food. There are so many options for good food – and I don’t just mean “good” as in “fancy.” There are so many little mom-n-pop restaurants and cafes that you can go to, and they are so damn satisfying. Like the tiny Mexican joint two blocks down from my place – they make the best beef burrito I’ve ever had in my life.

      I love how there’s always something to do, for every level of extroversion. Want to go to a giant music festival and party in the crush of humanity? Chicago has that. Want to get an ice cream cone, quietly sit in the park, and people-watch while you enjoy your dessert? Chicago has that too. Want to go to a nice, intimate pub with a handful of close friends and enjoy each other’s company? Chicago has tons of venues that fit the bill.

    14. fenixdawn +7

      I once went on a boat tour of the architecture, and it was totally amazing. Absolutely recommend.

    15. onehundredthjen +4

      Oh hey when you need to take a break from unpacking, you should hit up the Glenwood Avenue Arts Festival, it’s either a super quick train ride or a nice walk, depending on where in Edgewater you will be.

      In years past there has been a stall with champagne slushies. I cannot recommend this enough.

    16. grandma_nancy +4

      Thank you all so much for the great suggestions and the welcoming love! I can’t wait 🙂

    17. SmrtCookie +4

      All the little neighborhood festivals! Also the Chicago Architecture Foundation gives a huge variety of reasonably-priced walking tours which are great if you love history or architecture or want to learn a bit about your new city.

    18. sluts4ever +3

      Welcome (almost) to Chicago! It’s the best, and you’ll get to experience our glorious two weeks of fall when you arrive.

      I love basically everything about Chicago: the theater scene (big stuff and storefront stuff; rent is cheap in Chi so artists can actually live here and work together and make really, really cool things), the food scene (both fancy and cheap; you will find every variety and culture of food here, and the neighborhood joints are unbeatable and usually byob), the young people scene (so many opportunities to meet people who are into what you like…join boards, groups, meetups, rec sports teams, volunteer groups, etc and you will be welcome and loved), the arts/culture scene (soooooo many amazing museums, galleries, exhibitions, and opportunities to learn and see interesting stuff), the transportation (the L is awesome and you’ll be living off the red line which runs all night –if you enjoy riding a bike i highly recommend purchasing one and maybe doing a divvy subscription too because it’s really convenient); and the city itself is beautiful, clean, surprising, and a never ending treasure trove of stuff to discover and fall in love with. I think you’ll really love living in Chicago!!!!

    19. Household_Opera +4

      The Art Institute! So many amazing paintings. And don’t miss the massive Chagall stained-glass windows.

    20. systemed7 +5

      Contact me if you wish! I’m in academia, and I live near Edgewater.
      I propose a Toast meet and greet at Rogers Park Social, perhaps during the Glenwood Arts Festival weekend.

    21. Just Saying

      Welcome to Chicago! I’ve lived in Edgewater for ten years now, and it really is a great, lesser known neighborhood. My favorite things about living here:

      Hollywood Beach – best beach in Chicago IMO, doesn’t get as crowded as say, North Ave beach and we have a taco bar right on the water

      Good ethnic food abounds – Edgewater is home to a lot of Ethiopian restaurants along Broadway (we love Ethiopian Diamond, and there is a sweet little cafe called Royal Cafe a little north on Sheridan that serves Ethiopian coffee and food), if you go west on Devon, you will find a million Indian and Pakistani restaurants and grocery stores, a few el stops south on the redline is Argyle, the Little Saigon neighborhood, a mix of Vietnamese, Chinese, and Thai businesses. (Favorite spots: Sun Wah BBQ for Peking duck, Tank for Pho, Ba Le for banh mi, and VN Tofu for fresh tofu). Dak on Granville by the El has amazing Korean chicken wings. Farther north on Clark are a lot of Mexican restaurants but my favorite Mexican place is Mas Alla del Sol on Broadway – amazing cocktails made with real fresh ingredients.

      For groceries, the new Wholefoods is pretty good. I second an earlier commenter’s rec for Edgewater Produce and another independent grocer, Devon Market.

      The park district actually has a really great fitness (and arts) program. Absurdly affordable (like $20 for 10 weeks) yoga, Pilates, Zumba, and boot camp classes.

      We’re right at start of the lakefront bike path, so if you are inclined, I’d recommend taking advantage of that. It’s a beautiful ride.

      Good luck with your move and welcome to Chicago!

  6. grumblyqueer +6

    In less than 2 weeks, my friends, I’ll have to leave Open Threads for the cold embrace of an 11:40 discussion-based course. In the mean time: college thread! What degrees are you getting? What courses are you teaching? Have you ever sold your notes, and if so, how did that work out for you?

    1. alliana07 +3

      I’ve been working part-time on finally get my Bachelor of Arts (in Literature) for a few years now. Honestly the biggest motivator is I get free tuition (because I work at the college). But oy vey, I’m at the end stages and I am BURNT OUT. I have no motivation to do work, which you know, makes it harder to finish. I think I’m just tired of reading the same boring old white guys and writing the same essays over and over, tbh.

      Um, I hope you do not get burned out, haha.

    2. sarah_jay +3

      I’m pretty close to finishing, but I need funds to take more classes. I can do it online through the U I attended back when I was student-aged, but the money isn’t there. I need to take two more classes to pull my GPA up enough to get in to the program, then I can apply for financial aid, but I’m not able to pay for the classes (I had to decide whether laundry detergent or deodorant were more important this pay period)

    4. RoseCamelia +2

      I’ll miss you, grumblyqueer! Could you check the thread on a weekend once in a while?

      I was in college in the 80s and I did sell my notes. But it was because I was asked to. A stranger approached me and introduced herself as being in the same huge lecture hall class with me. She had sat behind me twice and noticed I had really good notes. Would I be willing to sell them? She made the whole transaction easy for me. She would see me after class 3 times a week, take my notes from the previous class (I rewrote all my notes every evening, for my own benefit) and from the one just ended. She would run with the pages to a photocopier (no email back then, kids) while I waited somewhere comfortable. She would return 15 minutes later with my originals and many dollars she had collected from multiple other students. She set the price, but I felt it was very generous, so no one was being taken advantage of.

      Selling my notes worked out great for me!

    5. eastcoastanne +3

      I am in a part time MBA program. Working and going to school sucks. In two weeks I will be done 1 year of 3…

    6. tragicallyludicrous +5

      I am currently getting a PhD. It’s in Holland which means I am junior faculty and not a student, which has its own plusses and minuses. (Plusses: salary and vacation days, not going to lie.)

      I am going to have to teach Arts Marketing again in the winter, and words cannot really express how much I hated it last year. Maybe it’ll get better? At least I’m not going to be teaching myself it again? Ugh. (One of my reviews was “her seminars were boring,” which yeah, it is a boring topic I dislike.)

    7. elsajeni +3

      I am a mere staffer in higher ed, but I have a College Whine for this week: whyyyyy won’t they fill out their damn teaching evaluations, what do I have to do, why am I not allowed to bribe or threaten them.

    8. Mrs_Peel +2

      I have a BA in linguistics and a law degree. I’ve thought about getting another degree in a health-related field (which would be very useful for my job), but I already have massive student loans so that’s sadly not going to happen.

      I do miss learning stuff, though. I’m trying to hold out another 30 years, until I turn 65 and can take free classes at the local community college.

    9. kayloulee +2

      I’ve just started a Grad Dip in Information Services (Archives & Records) and it is … interesting! I already have a Grad Dip in Information Management and fortunately there’s a lot of crossover, so I’m not jumping in at the deep end without knowing how to swim, I’ve got water-wings on. The entire course is online and that’s mostly what’s making it significant-pause-interesting, because I’ve always found discussions on Blackboard kind of fake, but a) there aren’t any local Archives and Records courses and b) in any case, I’m so sick of classroom-based learning that it’s kind of a relief.

      Also yes, this makes me yet another of the Toastbrarians, although I’m actually working as an archivist and plan to become a professional archivist.

    10. systemed7 +1

      Teaching my regular rotation: Native American Religions, Method and Theory in the Study of Religion. Them’s my thangs.

  7. EllaAstor +64

    Mental Health Thread:

    Well I’ve been having problems with my bipolar disorder and with finding a psychiatrist. But I would like to finally come to this Open Thread with good news.

    I have a psychiatrist and he has prescribed new medication and it seems to be working. I’m over my afternoon depressions, I’m writing again and feel whole and new and … I want to live life and embrace each day.
    I have been feeling really supported by this Toast community, and I am grateful that you all exist on this earth, the earth is a better place.

    And I’m sorry if I’m too effusive, but after these months of … I dunno, ?? struggle ?? I will take time to acknowledge the good things that brought me through. Thank you.

    3. dakimel +10

      Effuse away! It’s a giddy thing, to see yourself in yourself again. I’m delighted for you!

        1. sorrycassandra +3

          That is really profound and lovely. I need to memorize it and take it out to look at when I can’t find myself. Thank you.

      1. EllaAstor +3

        I’m so happy too. I think this is the first time a med has worked without going overboard into A Little Too Happy.

      1. EllaAstor +11

        I hope that someday, I will have as much wisdom as you do. I’ve been thinking that I’d be a much better writer if I could absorb some of your compassion and empathy.

        1. RoseCamelia +6

          Oh my goodness. ::blushing furiously:: You are so kind. I’m only trying to give others what I have needed and/or do need myself.

          1. EllaAstor +13

            Well, I think you have a gift and .. I’m so glad you share it here, on The Toast.

    6. SarcasticFringehead +16

      Yay! And for me, as a person who struggles off and on with anxiety/depression, I really like hearing about people who are having good enough experiences to be effusive – as long as you’re not turning it around and telling other people they’re Doing Mental Illness Wrong, I think more positivity can only be a good thing.

      1. EllaAstor +3

        Oh gosh, I hope I never tell people that they’re doing Mental Illness Wrong, and if I do I hope someone calls me out on it. Everyone is unique in their illness or disorder, and if something works for someone, I’m both grateful that it does work and happy for them. In my case, I didn’t expect the new drug I’m taking to do any good, but it has. I’m right now at the WOW stage, and maybe by next week, I’ll be at the *relieved that it’s over* state, and after that, maybe I’ll just go back to living life as if the daily depressions never existed.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +8

          I think Toasts in general are some of the least likely people to tell anybody they’re doing mental illness wrong, what with most of us being excellent, empathetic people who have dealt with or helped someone deal with all kinds of shit.

    8. AddieJoy +9

      That is so, so good to hear. It takes a lot of work and perseverance to get to this point, and as a Random Internet Stranger, I’m really proud of you for it. Toast is here for you in happiness and in sadness.

    9. Heathered +4

      Wow, great news! You’ve been really generous to share the hard bounces along this path, and brave to keep showing up and trying, so it’s gratifying to see that pay off with some blessed relief! Good on you and may things continue to improve.

    10. isabellebleu +2

      I am so glad for you. Thank you for taking the time to share your good moments.
      I’m having a hard day today & it’s always a lifeline just to hear of others & the good things.

    11. mintmarshmallow +5

      Prob too late but congrats, and so glad u posted! Echoing someone downthread, it gives me hope.

  8. Battle_Swine +15

    Hello, Toast! It has been a busy week. I have barely had time to read, much less comment.

    The Bad:

    1. One of my friends said something truly, profoundly racist the other day. (I quote: “This is going to sound racist, but [certain nationality] women are trash.”) I’d never heard her say anything remotely like that before, and I was so startled that I didn’t even reply. (It was a group setting, and I sat there agape as the conversation uncomfortably continued.) Now I’m disappointed in my own silence and disconcerted about the entire thing.

    2. The coworker who assaulted me is still trying to (a) blame me and (b) act like everything is fine, and I basically want him to be engulfed in a ball of flames, or possibly shot into space in a capsule full of scorpions and rabid honey badgers (or both!).

    The Good:

    Tomorrow is my birthday! And I have fun plans, and I think (?) there will be cake soon, and a happy hour after work (which is not actually for me, but I’m pretending it is).

    How was your week, Toasts?

    2. Hadrosaur +2

      Happy Birthday! Sorry to hear about your arsehole coworker, that must be really difficult.

    4. lilsebastian01 +7

      Happy almost birthday!

      It’s not too late to talk to your friend. You can still bring it up with her. Maybe something like “Hey, I was really surprised when you said that thing about [ethnicity] women the other day. Can you tell me more about where that came from?” And go from there?

      1. Battle_Swine +4

        Thank you! And yes, you’re probably right, and I should do that… I am chronically conflict-averse, but this is important.

        1. shucksmahoney +4

          One of the worst things about hateful language is how they make the listener part of the problem. Please don’t feel terrible for not saying something right then that solved everything, being shocked and feeling awkward is natural and happens to all of us. Bringing it up after the fact might even be more effective, and you;ll be prepared.

          Also – happy birthday!

    6. shartbreaker +2

      Happy birthday today! I hope it’s really wonderful!! [~i~i~] (this was supposed to be a birthday cake with candles but it’s not)

  9. owlegg +8

    Toronto Toasties! Meetup location has been set: we’re going to Victory Cafe this Sunday at 2pm. Fingers crossed for a spot on the patio!

    If you haven’t RSVP’d on the facebook event, reply here so that we know how many to expect.

    1. alexisnotthecar +1

      There’s.. a Toronto.. Toasties… where have I been that I did not know this???? AAhh!

    2. allanaaa +1

      aw I can’t go, but I hope you post about the next one here! / give every toastie a hug for me.

  10. bighairnoheart +70

    Pig thread?

    Pig thread.


    I really do like the pigs this year. Very personable. Very quick. Very keen on belly rubs. Very fast growing. Very hungry. Also they have excellent tastes in what footwear they try to eat.

    1. evieskye +7

      Ahhh! They are so cute! I just finished Sy Montogomery’s The Good Good Pig and I’m pig crazy right now. That top one in its little spa tub is too adorable.

      1. bighairnoheart +13

        She really needs a kiddie pool of her own. But it’s pretty much guaranteed that she’d continue to sit in the water dish anyway. At some point she’ll probably be this massive, ungainly sow STILL trying to sit inside it.

          1. bighairnoheart +12

            Very few things bind Pig Pig. I’m pretty sure she just respects the electric fence out of little more than courtesy.

          1. bighairnoheart +5

            Adding that to my list of slaughter day names. A list of two so far, but surely it will grow.

      1. bighairnoheart +6

        Scratching himself against it. Anything solid and protruding that is in their enclosure will be used for itch relief purposes. Including people. Especially people.

    5. laurenipsum +20

      Water trough, swimming pool, whichever.

      Your pigs are very friendly! You must hang out with them a lot.

      1. bighairnoheart +10

        Usually the pigs come from some sort of factory operation up in Quebec, but these ones came from the farm a mile or so down the road and came remarkably friendly and well-adjusted. It’s quite a nice change. They even escaped once and just nonchalantly hung out around the yard for a few hours instead of running off for a life of freedom and adventure and no sausages.

        1. laurenipsum +6

          Oooh, that’s a nice trait.

          I physically lost an adult pig last year. All 9 got out and went on walkabout; we only recovered 8. I still have no idea what happened. I looked for buzzards for weeks afterwards, and nothing.

    6. dakimel +16

      I see your pigs & raise you chickens (actually, my mom is raising these hens):

      me w/ Beauty

      Beauty figuring out how nesting boxes work (she’s pretty young still)

      A few of the others – the bluff ones let you pet all over them, but the b&w are like, no thanks, I’ll just peck your toes & skedaddle

      2. bighairnoheart +10

        Damnit. I am unable to counter with pictures of the chickens. (To be fair, I only have a part time share in them, same as the pigs.) Darn unphotogenic birds.

        ETA: Old, but it’s the best I could do.

        1. dakimel +6

          I would try to counter you counter with the ducks, but they’ve decided it’s better to stay as far from humans as the lake allows.

          Also, they’re kind of dicks.

          1. bighairnoheart +6

            And then I’d have to counter your counter of my counter with the turkeys. And then where would we be?

          3. bighairnoheart +8

            I don’t know. I’ve got a peacock across the road. That’s got to add some points for presentation or something.

      3. superscones +3

        My parents have some golden lace wyandottes and they are the same way. Our dominiques are super friendly and like to be picked up but the wyandottes just run away. I’ve taken to calling them whiny-dots.

      4. happysadcat +1

        Is the black one an Australorp? I have one sweet older Australorp and two dick ones. One of them thinks she’s a rooster and is mean as hell.

        1. dakimel +1

          Yep! They’re pretty friendly thus far – they hatched this past March.

          The other kind is Buff Orpington.

        2. laurenipsum +3

          The best rooster I ever had was an Australorp. He fought a raccoon that got into the coop in the middle of the night. When we opened the door he chased it across the yard in the rain. We were worried because he was covered in blood, but none of it was his.

          Also once when the hens couldn’t get into the coop to go to bed, he came up onto the porch of the house. We were like “that’s weird, it’s twilight, what’s up” so we went over and they were all milling about outside a door that had fallen closed. He waited until the last hen went in before going in.

          Best rooster. I miss him.

    8. extrayarn +3

      I do not have a pig but I highly recommend everyone follow Esther the Wonder Pig on the book’o’faces. Much wonderful pig-stuff there. (She was supposed to be a micro-pig. Spoiler: she isn’t.)

    9. fenixdawn +6

      Of COURSE there is a thread where I can share that last night I went to the state fair and watched some sort of pig . . . show? demonstration? Ummm, don’t know? They walked a bunch of pigs around with sticks? But it was weird and awesome and pigs are hilarious.

      1. Es_Petal +8

        THAT IS HOW YOU SHOW PIGS! My friend (who owns the pigs I post pics of) an I keep meaning to give it a try. You dress up in a big white coat and chase them round the ring, poking them with sticks and trying to head the front end off with boards to make them go where you want. We always go to watch it at county shows and laugh our arses off.

          4. happysadcat +9

            The white coats! The easel-like boards! “I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be a doctor or an artist, so I became a professional pig-shower.”

          5. bighairnoheart +2

            The bowler hat on (what I assume is) the judge makes it all so much classier. I’ll have to take pictures of a Vermont pig showing when the Tunbridge World’s Fair happens. The whole affair’s a beast unto itself. …if the World’s Fair part of its name didn’t already imply that.

          6. BestLaidPlans +1

            I LOVE the Tunbridge World’s Fair! We went every year when I lived there. The animal showings there are the BEST.

  11. ppyajunebug +10

    Okay friends, it’s been a WILD ride on TV this week, between the UnREAL finale and the Daily Show finale (oh god, excuse me, I’ve just started crying again) and the debate (also, may still be a little drunk) and the sheer wonderfulness of Another Period and last Saturday’s Hannibal.

    SO let’s talk TV! Because my fanfic week was mediocre and my TV week was epic.

    1. sparkwoodand21 +5

      UnREAL! Loved the Quinn/Rachel stuff in the finale. Also Jeremy is the worst.

    2. viviennestreet +5

      What do you think of Another Period? I started watching it because I will always be there for Paget Brewster’s Transatlantic accent, but I’m usually wildly confused about how to feel about what I just watched. I did love the absolute insanity of this week’s episode, though. I’m the commodore! We should have enough servants that our every whim in seen to, but not so many that they murder our families! Etc.

      1. rolotomassi5 +3

        I would watch the show just for Peepers, Hamish, Garfield, Blanche and Chair. Paget Brewster is just the cherry on top. Plus I love Riki Lindholme.

      2. ppyajunebug +3

        I kind of love it? Like, it’s super odd and a bizarre mix of the Housewives shows and Downton Abbey, but I’m always just so happy while I’m watching it? Beatrice especially- I could watch Riki Lindholme pretend to be/actually kind of be dumb ALL DAY. Oh man and this week with the weird kidnapping that sort of turned into a BDSM thing? GENIUS.

    3. rolotomassi5 +4

      I’m way behind, but just finished Season 2 of Bojack and am trying to find Diane’s Serial ringtone online to no avail.

      Also, the episode before the finale was devastating and hard to watch. Olivia Wilde is so good in that tiny role.

      1. PierrePoutine +3

        The penultimate episode was so brutal I had to go back and watch the Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface scenes again to get it out of my head. (He’s a loose cannon but he gets results!)

      1. sparkwoodand21 +2

        This might be a slight stretch (it’s not nearly as dark), but I loved the first season of Hindsight on VH1. Basically it’s about a 40-something woman who tries to “redo” her 20s and finds herself making a lot of the same bad decisions, only in different ways… much like Rachel. Plus, ’90s nostalgia!

    5. extrayarn +2

      I can’t figure out who’s fucked up and who’s telling the truth on Unreal. It’s delicious. Is Rachel the only sane one there and everyone else is convinced she’s crazy, previous breakdown notwithstanding? Is Adam a nice guy or a weasel? Love it. So happy it got renewed.

  12. cait0716 +9

    Toasties, I read The Martian this week and I hated it. Please tell me I’m not alone.

    1. octopoda +10

      I liked it but could easily see why a lot of people would not. Most of the characters were paper thin at best.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +10

        Agreed – I found it super compelling and unputdownable, so I would definitely say I liked it. But if I were going to measure it against books I love? Hrmmmm.

        1. octopoda +3

          I’m curious how the movie turns out. If any book could be improved by a big screen treatment, it’s this one. Though I personally did like all the technical tangents, which I imagine will not be hugely featured.

          1. cait0716 +13

            Yeah. My biggest problem was that I really hated Mark Watney and felt that he deserved to die on Mars. He felt like such author-fantasy self insert character (so smart and funny and low-key racist and misogynistic without ever being called out on it because everyone just loves him and his perfect sense of humor so much. But really, he’s the kind of guy who would wear a t-shirt covered in naked ladies on TV and not understand why people were upset.) But I could see Matt Damon (and a better script) turning him into a likable character. One I’m not actively rooting against.

          2. seasleepy +11

            Yeeeep. I liked the book but I finished it with a very clear picture of the world where Watney gets home and I would be super excited by his accomplishments but end up eventually unfollowing his Twitter and groaning every time he showed up at events/shows/etc I like because he would be all over them.

          3. grumblyqueer +8

            It’s not only his sense of humor, but the way the author keeps shoving it at you. You’re never allowed to forget that Mark is ~so very clever~ and I started to drown under the sea of witty quips after a while.

          4. cait0716 +6

            And in that same vein, I felt like the author didn’t really trust me as a reader. The number of times he reiterated plot points or explained the technical stuff beyond what was necessary (the solar cells stopped working because they got covered with sand. Because they need the sun shining on them to work and the sand blocks the sun) left me feeling very condescended to.

          5. maggiegrift +6

            When the author has to TELL you that the main character is funny (rather than just show the main character being funny) you know you’re in trouble. None of his jokes were good!

          6. quotidianc +2

            I found it very readable and irritating at the same time, and yes, Mark Watney is awful. It bothered me how much money, time & energy was ploughed without question into getting him home, and I was so pleased to get that one negative comment about the sacrifice the Chinese space program had made for this.

      2. rolotomassi5 +4

        Totally. Mark Whatney is such a great character he makes up for the blandness of all the other characters IMHO.

        1. BourneApprox +4

          Loved the Mark Watney bits. Hated anything which was not Mark Watney. But the Watney bits make me really enjoy it. If you don’t like Watney, however, it’s profoundly hate-able.

    2. rangiferina +6

      oh thank god, I thought I was the only one who didn’t love it. :\ I could not stand the narrator (he could die on Mars for all I cared). On the plus side, I think it would make a great movie if done right.

        1. cait0716 +2

          I wonder how many of my problems arose because it was self-published. I think there’s a lot that an editor could have helped with.

          1. rangiferina +4

            yeah, I was wondering that too. I also thought I had read that it had been serialized online originally? that might explain some of the… idk. structural choices he made in the novel. or the constant cliffhangers (which were not actually suspenseful imo).

    3. +7

      Sorry, I loved it. I didn’t really like the main character, but as he was a paper-thin cardboard cutout I don’t think you could like or dislike him. I wanted the “oh my! how will I solve this horrible problem??? look at this clever solution I came to with my cleverness!” again and again, and that’s exactly what I got. No “here is how someone might actually behave if left for dead on Mars”, no depth, just a bunch of smart MacGyvery solutions again and again.

    4. maggiegrift +5

      Hated it! There was something about it that irked me… like, to imagine the author imaging himself as the main character? This lovable funny guy that just can’t land a lady! But isn’t he charming and nice and good for a chuckle??? It made me say “ugh, men” a lot.

      ALSO I’m a mechanical engineering and have done some rocket stuff, and felt the level of technical writing was inconsistent. He would take the same amount of time to explain an incredibly simple concept as he would an incredibly complex one. Who is the audience of this? Like if it was sometimes over my head, thats okay, but then don’t also try to make it accessible? Is this a worthwhile thing to be annoyed about? Maybe not.

      But it’s like in The Big Bang Theory when they make a science joke about a science concept that is really basic… you don’t do that about topics that are old news. Like “two atoms are walking down the street and the first says he thinks he thinks he lost an electron. the second asks him if hes sure and he says ‘yeah, i’m positive!'” is really funny when you are in grade 7 science learning about atoms for the first time, but very not-fresh to people who having been studying atoms for 25 years. Low hanging fruit isn’t joke worthy to experts!

      I’m rambling, somebody back me up! Or stop me!

      1. cait0716 +4

        Yes! Like on the 4th page he explains that CO2 = carbon dioxide and it was like, does anyone who would be interested in this book not know that?

        Or when he switched to third-person halfway through to explain the rip in the HAB, because Mark wouldn’t have been able to diagnose that problem and he just had to explain all the details. It felt a little show-offy, and the sudden switch in style just drove that home.

        The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

  13. hussified +2

    Happy Friday! I just finished a Whole30 challenge and had one day of eating whatever I wanted. That was a huge mistake. Big. Huge. So now I am back on the wagon, and eventually going to move to paleo, I think. What are your favorite paleo/whole30 recipes?

    1. CleverManka +2

      SO HERE for the paleo food talk. Melissa Joulwan has the best recipes, IMO, and I might be the teensiest bit biased because I know her but really she’s just an outstandingly amazing talent in the kitchen, and also a funny and good human being.

      I recently found this recipe for slow cooker chicken tikka masala and I’ve made it three times in a month. Just make the obvious paleo subs (coconut milk, no dairy, riced cauliflower) and it tastes like something you’d get at a (good) Indian restaurant. I added toasted slivered almonds to mine for a bit more texture.

    2. algebraic +3

      I’m doing a Whole30 right now with my husband and best friend. I made some kale chips last night that were delicious–I put garlic powder, onion powder, smoked paprika, cayenne and salt on them and they were great. My husband and I ate two sheet pans of them. We had lettuce wraps last weekend that were good–ground beef with coconut aminos, rice vinegar, and sambal olek topped with shredded carrots, green onions and cashews in iceberg lettuce cups. Making a giant batch of steak, chicken and vegetable kabobs made for a lot of leftovers for the week and that was pretty handy (marinated in red vinegar and olive oil). I have pretty much all our dinners planned out for the 30 days, but I’d love to hear other people’s recipes in case we decide to continue eating paleo after it’s over.

      1. hussified +1

        I have to give a shout out to the savory blueberry tortilla and to the cauliflower sausage bake – both became mainstays of my diet this month. I don’t think I can have an omelet any other way now.

    3. GruntledDave +6

      To quote my coach when the power went out while we were eating BBQ, “You know what’s REALLY paleo? Eating in the dark.”

      Steak, avocado, and some grilled/roasted zucchini (salt, pepper, wee bit o’ oil) are my weekly jam.

    4. alicia +1

      My mom is paleo and on the autoimmune protocol and she gets really tired of all her starches being sweet (squash, yams, etc.) so she was THRILLED when we made taro last week with the Paleo Mom’s recipe. If you’re looking for something to replace regular potato that’s high fiber, low glycemic index and not a nightshade taro is pretty great.

  14. RudyRed +2

    I’m looking forward to one of my partners returning home from his internship this weekend! Yay!

    BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS NEEDED, TOASTIES. I’m looking for books on the topics of:

    1) Metis culture in the late 19th century
    2) The experiences of black settlers (specifically women, if possible) in the American West post-Civil War

    Any recommendations you have are welcome. I’m going to pay a visit to my friendly neighborhood librarian soon, but I’d love to make their job easier by having a few titles already on hand.

    1. dakimel +3

      All I have for #2 is Beverly Jenkins’s Destiny series – http://www.amazon.com/Destinys-Embrace-Destiny-Tr…
      They’re historical romance & range geographically, but the characters are all tied to a ranch in California, and the characters are all black or have mixed heritage. Good reads, very well researched, but I’m not sure if they’re what you’re looking for.

      1. RudyRed +1

        Well, the reason I’m looking for books on those topics is that I want to write a book that is somewhat similar to Jenkins’s! I’ve never read her stuff before, but perhaps it would be a good idea to see how other authors have approached that time period.

        1. dakimel +5

          Excellent to hear that’s your goal – I’m excited for you!

          Someone recommended at a workshop – when she researches historical periods, she looks for juvenile biographies of contemporary writers / scientists / whatever. The kind of things in middle school / elem school libraries. They often have good “when X was a child, her dad used to slip her candy he kept in his pocket so her mom wouldn’t see” type details that she can steal / be inspired by in envisioning a fuller life of her characters. They’re basic, but personable, and give a good feel of the era. (I just read an essay about Virginia Woolf’s 15 year old diary – 1898 or something – and her frustration at learning to ride her new bicycle. Writer-inspriation-GOLD.)

    2. onehundredthjen +2

      Tangentially related at best, I think, but have you read Guy Vanderhaeghe’s western novels?

        1. onehundredthjen +2

          Really, really good, actually. The first one, The Englishman’s Boy, is about the Cypress Hills Massacre which seems at least related to your area of interest!

          I didn’t find the second book as compelling, and haven’t read the third yet.

    3. chickpeas +2

      Many Canadian universities have Metis studies centers or programs, you might start there and see what the faculty have published. (I am blanking on specific books/authors right now, alas.)

      2. Thujaplicata +1

        Oooh, that sounds interesting! I volunteer at a living history farm over the summer, I’m going to have to buy/ILL that and read up on the history so I can incorporate it into my interpretation.

      1. RudyRed +1

        I saw the piece that Al-Jazeera did on the topic a few days ago – very cool stuff.

    6. deesse877 +2

      _Exodusters_ by Nell Irvin Painter is older but well-written, and a good peg to hang further reading on. It’s about a sudden mass migration of formerly enslaved people to the West, after it became clear that Reconstruction was failing.

    7. the_lovecats +4

      I would also suggest checking out theses and dissertations – there is some wonderful yet unpublished work out there. Try the national database or, if you have access, your local university collection.

    8. systemed7 +2

      You need to read my BFF’s book on Louis Riel!
      Jennifer Reid, Louis Riel and the Creation of Modern Canada.

  15. secondursula +6

    Hi toast! I read this interview the other day: http://thebillfold.com/2015/08/chatting-with-the-… And have been thinking about class mobility, cross-class marriages, and just all that jazz all week. Anybody else want to talk about those issues? In the Jezebel interview with the author, the topic of differences between the UK and US conceptions of class is also brought into the mix, and I’d be fascinated if anyone had any opinions there.

    1. loren_smith +11

      So interesting! I think about it a lot, in the context of my in-laws, who while very wealthy, strike me as having no class, while my own economically middle class parents abide by a very WASP-y, Georgian Bay Eastern Canadian sense of class, so would be read by many people (I think) as wealthier than the in-laws as a first impression. Like, staying at some gauche $1,000/night hotel in NYC while facebooking photos of your new Louis Vuitton handbag (with tags attached!) seems less like a marker of high social class (to me!) than camping at some secluded beach and facebooking photos of the oysters you harvested and are grilling on a beach fire.

          1. PierrePoutine +5

            Ahh, I guess B.C. is more of a mix, Having worked for rich Albertans and rich people from Westmount, I am continually blown away by the affectations of people with Old Money. Rich Albertans go drinking in seedy bars with the rest of us and blast Kanye in their Hummer; the Westmount people get upset if the gardener asks to use the washroom.

          2. loren_smith +7

            That’s interesting – in my experience it is totally the opposite. My (very newly rich) in-laws have all these put upon affectations about money and class, where people with generation class (if not the actual money to go with it – my father’s once wealthy family lost the money nearly 80 years ago) are much more likely to be confident enough to roll around on beat up bikes and sleep in their trucks at the ski hill. Have you read The Official Preppy Handbook? That sort of class consciousness has informed my own thoughts about the subject more than anything.

          3. PierrePoutine +2

            Hmm, intriguing. Perhaps the nouveau riche in-laws are insecure about looking rich while the downwardly mobile don’t have as much to prove? I remember coming across the Official Preppy Handbook a while ago and it seemed very foreign to me. It would probably resonate a lot more now that I’ve encountered people who look like walking Ralph Lauren ads.

          4. proudsquarepeg +4

            I absolutely agree with that! The way I’ve always had it explained to me was that new money puts labels on everything whereas old money is so rich they don’t have labels at all. Like, a new money woman of a certain age will be decked out in Chanel/Dooney whatever designer with the logos showing proudly, whereas her old money equivalent is wearing something without noticeable descriptors but upon close inspection one would realize her shirt is worth more than someone’s yearly salary. Not to mention that new money lady is horribly precious about her things, whereas old money lady is careless to the point of recklessness out of the confidence that there will always be more where that comes from.

            I mean, I’m poor af, but working in development is a really weird and slightly fascinating way to see how rich people organize themselves amongst each other.

      2. owlegg +8

        I am very taken with the description “WASP-y, Georgian Bay Eastern Canadian” because it makes Georgian Bay sound like the Canadian version of Nantucket or something, which… does kind of work.

    2. happyharbingers +5

      Yeah, I was trying to parse this out wrt my life. My family bounced around the income spectrum throughout my childhood but was pretty poor by the time I went to college. We didn’t really fit into class markers, though, for reasons which are…complex. I got a scholarship to Fancy Private College, which definitely gave me a weird aspirational complex about upper middle class values. It also means that my ideas about money are way closer to my SO’s (who I met during school, and who came from a rich WASPy family) than my mom’s, which is SO WEIRD.

      1. secondursula +4

        SO WEIRD is exactly how I feel about this entire subject. College was also the place where I felt like a fish out of water, which is basically what taught me to understand what water was. Everyone had different ideas about money, some people I encountered had never even really thought about it at all before. It was such a strange experience.

        1. sorrycassandra +11

          SO WEIRD. I grew up as a solidly middle-class kid in the Midwest US and went to two good public universities for my degrees. I had my first and only academic job at a small, old, elite liberal arts college on the East Coast and lemme tell you, there was some culture shock. The first time I saw a bro-let walking across the quad in a prep school blazer and boat shoes I was like, “…holy shit, these people really do exist in the world.”

          1. alicia +7

            I was trying to explain to an east coast friend how other parts of the US see them (I’m west coast) and the closest I came was “You know how different Europeans seem to you? That’s how different you seem to me.” To paraphrase something Mallory once tweeted, the East Coast is all “This is where the HISTORY comes from, do you have a TICKET?, where’s your daddy from?”.

          2. Mrs_Peel +6

            I had a very similar reaction when I worked in Nantucket one summer as a chambermaid… I feel like I probably could have turned that experience into a sociology PhD if I’d really tried.

      2. SmrtCookie +3

        Yes, yes, and yes. My family went the opposite way, poor to middle class by the time I left for college, but so many of my friends at Fancy Private School were (are) very wealthy. It’s been weird/hard for me to figure out where I’m comfortable, friend-wise and dating-wise. I’ve dated/friended the spectrum and I’m still not sure, although I’ve been consciously trying to be more open about money, in no small part thanks to the billfold.

    3. fakegeekgrrrl +10

      This article was interesting but weird for me to think about. My parents did not go to college (at least not until after I’d gotten my degree), but earned what I think I would consider middle class income? I guess it’s hard to say, seeing as we never really had conversations about the things we had coming from income or from acquiring debt. Some of my grandparents immigrated here from other countries and were very genuinely blue-collar. I’m very anxious about money.

      My spouse on the other hand is from a family of very well-educated middle class folks going at least a couple generations back, and he has a pretty “laissez faire,” as the author put it, approach to money overall.

      But does anyone else think the choice to only interview white families is weird? I get not wanting to conflate race and class or whatever but those things seem pretty closely related, especially since in my case, my parents include 1st and 2nd generation Latin@s, but that pass very easily as (and indeed closely identify with) being white.

      1. secondursula +9

        Yes! I also found it strange and disappointing, because those things are indeed closely connected. If the author wanted to have a controlled study, wouldn’t it have also made sense to control for location? I’d guess that conceptions of class in the South or Midwest are very different from those in New England. And I’d like to hear stories about people like my own family, full of white-passing (and not) Latin@s and immigrants, because those factors make concepts like class feel even more fraught, and thus, to me interesting.

        For example, what does it mean to be wealthy if you are never really going to fit in to the WASP ideal of class? How does cross-class marriage look when the couple also have different cultural expectations for what class looks like? I.e. what if someone has the “modesty and fancy hand-me-down Ralph Lauren yacht wear” approach to demonstrating classiness and someone else has the “generosity and buy lavish things for all members of the family” model of class? I think that’s why I have been thinking so hard about this subject: I feel like the interview and probably the book itself only scratch the surface.

        1. fakegeekgrrrl +4

          Yeah, I’m no academic or scientist by any means, but I totally agree that the controls could be improved. I mean, the author’s chosen method smacks a little to me of (intentionally or not) viewing white as the “default” category.

          Honestly, the examples you gave for cultural expectations of class are very illuminating to me too, and something I really haven’t thought much about before but would definitely like to! I certainly have an impulse to be generous, despite my money anxiety – more generous than I can afford, really – but also have a hard time accepting generosity because of the culturally loaded idea that I didn’t “work” for it, therefore, I don’t deserve it. That’s an attitude that I would expect to see in families like mine who had the chance to rise from one class to another, but I don’t know! Definitely would like to see a more comprehensive sort of study on it.

          1. secondursula +1

            Definitely, I think it’s that sinister “white as default” bias sneaking in there. Because yeah, I grew up at the bottom of the working class, just imagining what richness might be like, but my vision of how people of the upper class behaved was completely divorced from any WASPy version, which I think I first ran across in High School reading The Great Gatsby.

            Being rich, in my mind, meant being magnanimous and maybe a social pillar, whatever that means, and someone who everyone comes to when things get tight. Bags/shoes, vacation spots, skiing, which I have since learned are class markers, didn’t even factor into it, because those weren’t the expectations around me. Get rich = buy mom a Cadillac. Done. Old money = big old ranch, a baller art collection and expensive taste in alcohol. That was how generational wealth looked in my area, so it took me a long time to understand the scruffy = old money East Coast edition.

            Hilarious side note though, this song came on the radio during my ride home from work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvfZ95ueOcQ (Amor Prohibido, Selena) When we were dating, I used to joke to my husband that this would be my walk-on song at our wedding. My family would have actually killed me, but I kind of regret not following through.

    4. eldritchhair +3

      Hm, I think about this a lot. I guess I was raised with an odd melange of typically upper-middle class and working class social values, despite belonging to neither category financially. My parents are from a working class background, but were a little more affluent during the nineties. However, they’ve recently had to cut down on the outward trappings of a “middle class” existence in order to be able to pay off their debt before their nineties. Yet they’re still obsessed with the ideas of “keeping up appearances”/ appearing upwardly mobile. In fact, my entire family seems really hateful of anyone “below” them socially, even if they themselves have a similar level of income. It’s kind of disturbing, but it doesn’t seem like many people in the U.S. are willing to examine these sorts of “fuck you, I’ve got mine” mentalities.

      I don’t know where I’m going to end up. I sunk a lot of money into a “prestigious” educational program but I’ve been either unemployed or employed well below a living wage since then; I’m about to start a job that’s barely above minimum wage. I can’t afford to drive or live independently, and I can’t imagine ever pulling myself out of this debt-hole, but I realize I’ll always occupy a certain social status in the eyes of others. I feel like I can only identify with the people I encounter regularly up to a certain point. For example, I’m in awe of my cousins’ or boyfriend’s safety nets and financial comfort (even if I identify with them socially), but I know the circumstances of my upbringing are very different from many of the people I encounter on the job. I guess I’m in a stereotypically middle class predicament but I still don’t actually know a lot of people in my particular situation.

  16. VaguelyDownward +4

    Frank Turner’s new album comes out today! I got to give it a brief listen on the way to work, but I’m looking forward to a full play-through tonight. Any other Toasts pumped about Positive Songs for Negative People? Or if not, tell me what new music you’re excited about right now!

    1. safvn +3

      Oh my gosh, I AM and I did not know it comes out today! What a fantastic album title, too. Putting this on right now.

      1. VaguelyDownward +1

        Yay, it is a fantastic title, isn’t it? Also, fair warning – Song For Josh will destroy you, so don’t listen to it the first time in public if you’re not prepared to cry in front of strangers.

    2. SarcasticFringehead +5

      I just bought Elle King’s new album, and I really like it – it’s kind of country/americana, and it’s got some fun party songs about not giving a shit about men’s feelings or people who judge you.

      1. VaguelyDownward +2

        I love songs about not giving a shit about men’s feelings! Perhaps I’ll check it out.

    3. perianwen +1

      I am too much of a dork and squeed about Chris Hadfield’s CD being available for pre-order today.

      Carry on with your discussion of actual modern music. 🙂

    4. RandomCrouton +1

      Tame Impala’s “Currents” has been on non-stop rotation for the past 2 weeks and I love it.

  17. octopoda +48

    Dog and cat thread? Our new kitten Spooky is fitting in nicely. The dogs do not know what to do with a cat that doesn’t run away. Mostly they lick him a lot.

    1. bighairnoheart +31

      That is the best thing to do with any cat. Because clearly they can’t lick themselves. Mine did that with Casimir when he was a wee kitty.

      3. Mrs_Peel +3

        D’awwwwww! I love seeing cat and dog pals together.

        We used to have a collie and a cat who loved each other, and always took naps together. The dog would lick the cat’s head until the fur stood up, so she had a semi-permanent mohawk.

    2. onehundredthjen +19

      Spooky is so freaking cute.

      Here is Gertie, very pleased with herself for finding this excellent box. You can see Atticus monitoring the situation in the background, ready to interfere if Gertie gets too comfortable.

    4. PotterPotterson +36

      So this past weekend I went with my friends to put my buddy Clarence to sleep. :-/ The old AmeriCorps roommate and I adopted him the second year we lived together… so even though I haven’t lived with him for a couple of years, he’s still somewhat my dog. We spent some time celebrating the grumpy old man and took tons of photos with him.

      It was sad and I’m still sad, but it makes me happier to share his grey face with everyone. So this is me and Clarence, the smiliest grumpy old man dog ever.

      5. ladyimogen +8

        He looks like the type of grumpy old man who loves to introduce kids to the “pull my finger” joke. I’m sorry for your loss, but glad he obviously had so much love in his life.

    5. mmsees +26

      I started walking dogs at the SPCA! So many dogs.

      20150804_081711

      20150804_083610

      20150804_093157

      In household pet news, Dolly continues to be cute.

      20150802_195713

      1. vmartinipie +6

        Walking dogs for the SPCA is truly my dream gig. Can I ask about the application process/is there even one/how much time do they want per week?!

        1. mmsees +3

          It’s amazing! Highly recommended for mental health and quality puppy time (not pictured here is a dog that didn’t really want to walk, just wanted to sit in my lap and be as cuddly as possible). I think the training etc. depends on where you are. I’m in SF, so happy to talk in detail about that if you happen to be here too, otherwise I would check out your locale SPCA/humane society. For me at least, there’s basically no application process (like you fill out an application but it’s basically like “are you a real person? cool.”) There was a couple of hours of training, but that was mostly just basic stuff (probably because they require absolutely no experience with dogs or anything). SFSPCA asks for 2 hours a week for 6 months as a first commitment – I’m lucky in that my schedule is pretty flexible (grad school!) so I can go in before lab pretty easily.

          It’s super fun, I would highly recommend it!

    7. femaelstrom +12

      My parents and I took my big guy to the vet on Wednesday.

      He was scared and cried in the car on the way there, but was so good and brave for the doctors.

      We recently found out he has diabetes, which I honestly didn’t even know could happen to cats. In his 6 years of life, he’s also had pemphigus folicaeus and urinary crystals, so has generally been an expensive pain and is lucky we love him more than most humans. We had an insulin tutorial; he’ll most likely need insulin shots every 12 hours for the rest of his life. Has anyone else had a diabetic cat? Tips/tricks for treating them and giving them the best life possible?

      1. Alluvial_Fan +2

        I’d had diabetic kitties, more than one. You get used to the treatment, I really think the shots don’t bother them in the same way they can people. At least mine were very “huh. Fud NOW.” Access to fluids was important for one of my guys, he also had renal issues. I had a 20 gal fish tank, he loved to drink right from the filter. Kitty water fountains aren’t cheap, but lots of felines just LOVE running water.

      2. LemonEucalyptus +1

        One of our cats developed diabetes when I was in high school. Her condition made her much thirstier than in the past, so access to plenty of water was important for her comfort. The needles for her insulin were very sharp and apparently painless; she seemed to interpret her daily injections as just another petting session.

        A note of caution: Going on vacations might become tricky if you rely on a pet sitter to feed and medicate your cat while you are away. In particular, if the cat tends to hide from the pet sitter (and cats can be unfindable when they know their home better than the pet sitter), then he may end up missing insulin doses. It would be worth asking your veterinarian whether this could pose a problem.

      3. Mrs_Peel +1

        I worked in a B&B years ago where the owners had a diabetic cat, and we took care of him while they were away. He actually liked getting shots, and would come hop up in your lap for them and sit there very happily. (I don’t think they can really feel anything when you inject them in the scruff of the neck, which is where their mother would carry them). He had a very good quality of life!

  18. Hadrosaur +9

    Reading thread?

    I’m reading the Hunger Games books at the moment (I am so late to the party). I think I like Catching Fire more than the first one. Peeta is kind of boring.

    (Also, no spoilers pls, I’m only at the start of Mockingjay).

    What is everyone else reading?

    1. Harahel +4

      I am hammering down the Rizzoli and Isles books by Tess Gerritson. I have no idea if it’s because they’re any good or just the relief of having a female protagonist. Also picking my way through a Gypsy Rose Lee bio which is great, but probably filled with fabrications because her life was so private.

    2. octopoda +3

      Just finished the latest Laundry Files novel, which was very enjoyable. And just started reading All the Light We Cannot See for work book club. I’m liking it so far.

    3. houblonchouffe +13

      I just finished my very first Miss Marple so the next couple of months are going to be pretty heavy on the Agatha Christie, I think.

      1. ArguablyMagalis +1

        The only Agatha Christie I’ve ever read is “And Then There Were None”! I keep thinking about jumping into one of her series (either Miss Marple or Poirot) but I don’t know where to start! Maybe I should make a point of starting those!

          1. themegnapkin +6

            I like Miss Marple, but Poirot is my favorite and I don’t enjoy Tommy & Tuppence very much. I still read those books, because not the best Agatha Christie is still better than 99% of all mystery novels.

          2. sarah_jay +2

            The Tommy and Tuppence series (TV) has been pretty good so far. I’m even liking David Walliams in it

        2. studybears +7

          Jumping in to say it really doesn’t matter where you start! I’d go to a library or used book store and just pick up the first one that sounds interesting to you! Maybe don’t start with Curtain as it is the last Poirot book but anything else is fair game since all the books are pretty much standalone mysteries.

          1. ArguablyMagalis +2

            Good to know! I’m also unsure with mystery series because a lot of the time they can be read as standalones, but not always!

          2. houblonchouffe +2

            The one I just finished could definitely be a standalone and it’s one of the later Marples.

          3. Es_Petal +3

            They reference their ages a fair bit, but that’s about it. So Miss M is sometimes fairly decrepit and grumpy about not being s mobile as she used to be, and sometimes quite sprightly. It makes no odds to the stories though.

    4. Xolandra +3

      I’m reading Wab Kinew’s new book for my reviewing gig and even though I am not supposed to talk about it i will here because it is sososo good it makes me want to read everything else he has ever written.

    5. Es_Petal +1

      I have finished my George Smiley binge, done why didn’t they ask Evans by Agatha C, and I’ve just got round to making a list of what order all the Meljean Brooks ones come in so now I can get going on them.

    6. her_again +7

      I’m traveling at the moment, finished re-reading all the books I brought with me, and could not locate an English-language bookstore in town. Cue the desperate moment when I picked up a Danielle Steel book from the common bookshelf in my hostel. (To be exact: ‘Wings’.)

      I ended up enjoying it in spite of myself – it’s so gloriously cheesy. However! Also kind of cringeworthy at certain points. The heroine – who is strong, independent and red-headed (because how else would we know that she is truly A Rebel?) – falls in love with a dude seventeen years older than her, who has been living with her family as a kind of pseudo-uncle since she was born. There are all these creepy references to “the little girl he’s always loved” and how she’s “been in love with him since she was five years old” and how he “loved her from the moment he saw her”. When they first introduced the characters (him as a seventeen-year-old and her as a newborn baby) I thought jokingly, “Oh, I wonder if he’s going to imprint on her!” Turns out I WAS RIGHT.

      Oh, and there’s one scene where two lovers are described (after a long session of THE SEX) as “falling from each other like two pieces of flotsam from a shipwreck”. Just. What.

    7. Olgasrevenge +5

      I’m reading Apollo’s Angels and I’m SO into it but no one in my life wants to talk about the history of ballet with me, sadly.

      1. Armaniburger +1

        Oh, this is at the top of my current ‘to read’ list! I’m glad you’re enjoying it so far.

    8. ArguablyMagalis +4

      I’ve been reading “Me: Stories Of My Life” by Katharine Hepburn this week, and it’s been pretty good! It starts kind of losing focus around part 4 (like 250 pages in), but it’s impossible to read it without hearing Katharine Hepburn’s voice in your head which just makes it fun. Some choice quotes from it include: “Oh, I meant to tell you. I was standing on my head the other day and I got to thinking how probably unusual it is for someone of my age to do this.” and “I’ve made forty-three pictures. Naturally I’m adorable in all of them”

      I also finished reading “Age of Innocence” (alright, not my favorite book, but I liked it more than I thought I would) and have now started listening to “Travels With Charley” on my commute. The audiobook I got from the library is narrated by Gary Sinise, which makes me weirdly happy for some reason.

    9. literarysara +6

      I just finished A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley, which I found at a half-price bookstore for a dollar. I was really absorbed in it: beautiful writing, really detailed look at midwest farm life, fascinating adaptation of the story of King Lear. But hoo boy was that an emotional rollercoaster. I am not sure if I can recommend it to anyone, it’s got some pretty intense domestic abuse. Anyone else read it? I’m still digesting, would love to hear someone else’s thoughts.

      1. dakimel +6

        LOVE THAT BOOK. Everyone read it. If, like, you can. (But yes, intense.)

        I’m solidly in the More Jane Smiley, Always camp. Eager to get ahold of her newest, if my fellow library patrons would ever read faster.

        1. literarysara +1

          What are your top Jane Smiley recommendations? I’m willing to give this camp a try!

          1. dakimel +5

            Thousand Acres, Private Life, Some Life (& the second in that series is the one I’m awaiting.)

            Basically, everything, though I’m not as into the horse stuff. She does love the horses.

          2. prost +3

            I started Some Luck but got distracted and never got back to it – I’ll have to try again. I didn’t quite read enough to get sucked in but I was impressed with what she was doing with perspective.

            She really has great range – I think my favorites are Moo and Ten Days in the Hills, which are very different books. Oh, and the historical one about the border war between Kansas and Missouri.

      2. ArguablyMagalis +3

        That’s the next book on my “to read” stack next to my bed! I’m looking forward to it, my dad had Jane Smiley as a professor in college, and is a huge fan of her as a person and of her writing. He’s been trying to get me to read something by her for years and I’m finally getting around to it! Good to know that other people (who are maybe less biased than my dad?) enjoy her too.

    10. lemonadefish +7

      I just finished, and then immediately RESTARTED, Seven Eves by Neal Stephenson. I have never in my life done such a thing! Sometimes I will reread a book a few years later. But right away! Goodness. I liked the first half better than the second half (seemed more plausible), but I am also hoping that he is doing a third and fourth etc. half.

      1. octopoda +2

        I think I heard he is continuing it as a series! Which I’m very happy about, as I loved this book.

    11. perianwen +2

      The Warmth of Other Suns, which is simultaneously breaking my heart and overwhelming me with such good writing.

    12. irishbreakfasttime +2

      Just finished The Buried Giant. It dragged a lot in the middle for me, especially wondering “ok…what is the purpose of this scene…” but omg the ending, the way everything resolved, I thought it was perfect.

      Just picked up The Gone-Away World.

      Also reading In Search Of The Perfect Loaf, which is about bread. It’s waaaay over my head in terms of baking knowledge, like, I’m not gonna get anything out of the recipes and baking experiments, but there are some really cool bits about bread in western history & culture.

      1. Es_Petal +4

        The Gone-Away World is one of my favourite books! I only got it because I met he author at a friend’s party and he ws a lovely chap so I felt I should, wasn’t expecting to love it like I did. His other two are totally different but also both fantastic.

        1. mkmorrow +2

          Gone Away World is also on my favorites list. I bought it in HARD COPY and not just digital. I just read Tigerman and still don’t know how I feel about it.

          I had mixed feelings about Angelmaker (mostly positive, but parts were a bit of a slog), but I absolutely adore Polly’s speech about why they should have sex. I should print it out and keep it in my wallet.

          1. Es_Petal +1

            I like Tigerman more the more I read it (and listen to it). Angelmaker is my favourite though, I want to be Edie Banister when I grow up.

      2. celyse +4

        Felt EXACTLY the same about Buried Giant. I slogged through it and then sobbed and sobbed through the last pages.

    13. dakimel +5

      I’m almost done listening to Naomi Novik’s Uprooted and kind of battling through the wooden narration so I can love it. I mean, I get using an accented voice, that’s lovely, but since so much of the spell-casting discusses how different accents screw up different spells, maybe other magic people could speak differently?

      Anyway, I also read the first chapter of Go Set a Watchman yesterday. Not yet traumatized by it!

      1. Thujaplicata +1

        I saw it at the bookstore today and almost bought it. Is the writing good, even if the audiobook is kind of bad?

    14. Battle_Swine +6

      I’d started The Book Thief recently but had to give it back to the library before I was finished. While I wait for it to come back, I’ve picked up Outlander, which is… going to be interesting.

    15. rangiferina +6

      I just started The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell – it’s a little slow going right now (at least compared to the last two books I read, which were definite page-turners), but it’s good stuff all the same.

      1. houblonchouffe +4

        Oh god that book is so so beautiful and so so sad and so so scary. And I am so so jealous of you having the experience of reading it for the first time.

        1. rangiferina +2

          oh gosh, now I’m really excited to read more on my evening commute! Obviously something terrible is going to happen on the expedition, but we’re not there yet… (Jimmy has just discovered what I assume is evidence of alien life)

          1. SarcasticFringehead +3

            That book is so great! And so intense, and will almost definitely stick with you for a long time.

    16. Currer_Belle +7

      I am currently packing Americanah in my carry-on to start reading on my flight today. Also late to that party, but I’m really excited to read it!

      1. SarcasticFringehead +2

        I just picked that up at a charity book sale – I’m hoping to get to it soon!

    17. jwhittz +4

      Started Zadie Smith’s White Teeth and am enjoying it immensely, though the written dialects are occasionally annoying.
      Also picked up The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and spending an awful lot of my reading time making o.O faces at the author’s assertions. Am I alone in this? Everyone seems to be completely in love with the KonMari method and I am…not.

      2. pernickety3 +1

        I recently read White Teeth as well and absolutely loved it! She is a writer and a half. After that I read her book of essays, Changing My Mind, and loved those too, though some of the literary theory made me feel rather out of my depth, which was sad for me.
        On Beauty didn’t do much for me the first time, but that was years ago so now I think I should revisit it. Anyone read both and have a favorite?

    18. tabwootwo +4

      I’m reading Hollow City (book two of the Miss Peregrine’s Peculiar Children). I started reading the first one when I was babysitting and had forgotten to bring my own book. I finished it because it was actually good! It’s a fun, quick read with strange whimsy and action! The second book has a dog who smokes a pipe!

    19. EllaAstor +6

      I’m reading an Alice Munro compilation book “Selected Stories”. She teaches me more about writing than any other author, and I love her so so much. She just carries me away into the story and I am in awe of her greatness. I look at my own writing and tell myself “Do better.”

      1. darthcacti +2

        I’m reading her book, “The Love of a Good Woman”, which is just so heartbreaking and beautiful. I’m also in awe of her. Her stories just stay with you…

      2. dakimel +2

        I have to forget I’m a writer when I read Alice Munro, and just read as a reader. It’s way too intimidating to read her and think about the height and breadth and transdimensionality of her craft v. my own.

    20. lilsebastian01 +3

      I started reading Octavia’s Brood, which is a compilation of people of color and queer people writing science fiction, and I’m pretty disappointed in it, honestly. They say in the opening that a lot of the authors in this compilation don’t write, or don’t write sci fi, and it kind of shows in a lot of the stories. Some of them are great (Black Angel, in particular, was wonderful), but a lot of them are very tell-don’t-show-y.

    21. SmrtCookie +8

      PEETA IS THE WORST. I’m slowly finanlly working my way through Amy Poeler’s book. I knew I wanted to read it slowly and savor it so I’m interspersing a chapter here and there with other stuff.

    22. chiaroscuromom +6

      I am listening to In the Unlikely Event by Judy Blume, and I love it.

      I am also reading The Dark Is Rising sequence by Susan Cooper. I didn’t read it as a kid for whatever reason, so I’m correcting that now!

      Also I am disappointed to hear that Octavia’s Brood is disappointing. 🙁

      1. houblonchouffe +8

        THE DARK IS RISING THE DARK IS RISING THE DARK IS RISING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

        absolute favorite

        ever

        if you couldn’t tell

      2. ArguablyMagalis +3

        I also missed The Dark is Rising as a kid and only just got around to reading it in May/June! I liked it quite a bit as an adult, but 10-14 year old me would have devoured that series and loved every second of it, so I’m sad that I didn’t get to read it when I was younger.

    23. Heathered +6

      Just read a book for work that Toasties might enjoy: TALK, by Linda Rosenkrantz. In 1965 she schlepped a giant tape recorder with her everywhere (including some pretty hip art parties) and recorded 1500 pages of single-spaced dialogue between about 25 people. By 1968 she’d whittled it into a 215 page novel entirely in conversation between three characters, two women and a gay male painter friend, as they summered in East Hampton. So funny you’ll choke on your beverage repeatedly, but also incredible for its precise placement in space and time. New York Review of Books is reissuing it, and it’s a solid delight.

    24. extrayarn +1

      I am having a hard time putting down Land of Love and Drowning by Tiphanie Yanique. It’s about a family who lives in the U.S. Virgin Islands right when they joined the U.S. Shades of Faulkner, shades of magical realism, shades of Zora Neale Hurston and Toni Morrison. But none of it is “wtf do you mean ‘my mother is a fish'” or “ugh I had to read ‘Beloved’ in high school”, I promise.

    25. prost +5

      I’m slowly making my way through Dorothy Sayers’s The Mind of the Maker and I’m not sure what I think about it. Though I got to the part about how the greatest sin against an author is to corrupt the author’s creation (part of the book’s elaborate God=author analogy) at the same time that I was speeding my way through Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and it make me intensely curious as to what Sayers would have made of fanfiction.

      Read the first Wells & Wong book because of a rec here and it was very fun. I’ve also been dipping in and out of a book of Eleanor Roosevelt’s correspondence with her daughter Anna, which is interesting.

    26. AlmondTort +3

      Any other Toasties have opinions on Brandon Sanderson’s Steelheart? Just finished it, enjoyed deeply on reading but now slowly realising it felt a bit sexist and soapy. Thoughts?

    27. maggiegrift +5

      I’m reading Bleak House! I LOVED Great Expectations, quickly followed up years ago by Oliver Twist and David Copperfield… didn’t enjoy either. But Bleak House is amazing so far!

      1. literarysara +3

        I loved Bleak House and Great Expectations! Haven’t read the other two. If you haven’t seen it already, the BBC adaptation of Bleak House is beautifully done.

    28. Thujaplicata +4

      I just turned in my reading log for my library’s adult summer reading program and was proud that all the books I’d read were by ladies.
      I’m still reading “The Killing Moon” by NK Jemisin, which is fantastic, but written so well that I can’t read it too quickly.
      I’m also reading “A Woman of Consequence” by Anna Dean, which is the 3rd in a series of “spinster in Regency England solves mysteries” and it’s just fun and lovely and actually incorporates letters into the book in a positive way (I’m not a big fan of letters as a part of novels generally).

    29. Strophoria +2

      Since that Carrot Quinn hiking piece ran, I’ve been absolutely obsessed with travel narratives and memoirs. I just finished Robyn Davidson’s Tracks, which was waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than the actually-pretty-good movie they made of it. Now I’m reading Bill Bryson’s A Walk In The Woods, which I kind of hate but am committed to finishing.

    30. beachlass +4

      I fell down a Ngaio Marsh hole earlier this summer (thanks to a Toast thread) and am thoroughly enjoying re-reading her books.

  19. Es_Petal +26

    Kittens! I think more bands should do catnip merchandise. The Idol Dead have done a limited run of ‘catnip Erics’ after their mascot Eric the zombie.

    More bands should do catnip toy merchandise

    3. PotterPotterson +15

      Cute bbs like to cuddle in the morning. They’re getting so much better about not waking me up in the middle of the night – it’s wonderful! And the tortie spent at least half the night/morning sleeping on my arm in the cutest way. Makes up for her figuring out how to get on the counters, I suppose.

      So here they being sweet sibling kitties for a moment, lol.

    4. tragicallyludicrous +14

      I left a plastic bag on the floor (I am not a Clean Person) and Klaas-Jan has taken it over as a base, preferring it to every other part of the floor.

      1. onehundredthjen +8

        I am also Not A Clean Person. I think the cats appreciate it, you know, lots of stuff to look at and get into. We’re doing them favors, really.

        1. tragicallyludicrous +7

          He loves having stuff to hide behind when chasing his toys! If I had a clean room they’d see him.

      2. evieskye +4

        What a pretty face!
        My cat is not a Box Cat (she refuses to be confined in anything) but she loooves sitting on loose plastic bags.

        2. tragicallyludicrous +4

          He is the handsomest boy. Also not much of a Box Cat, but he loves sleeping under a blanket. He’s a burrower.

        3. LemonEucalyptus +2

          Same with our cats. The strangest thing about it is that they are terrified of the sound of rustling plastic bags, except when they are the ones rustling the plastic (as they bed down).

  20. Xolandra +16

    Fellow Toastians, a good friend of mine who is also an English prof gets to teach his preferred 100 level class this Winter – poetry! He is interested in diversifying his cannon (although would LOVE to teach Elliot all day long, he recognizes that he both can and should not), and is therefore looking (specifically) for poetry, written in English, by PoC. He says that there is large female representation on his course list, so either gender would be great. And, of course, ppl on the queer spectrum need apply.

    I’m not a poetry lover, myself, but I thought to myself “He needs the Toast Hivemind!” Can you lovely humans please recommend?

    Never have I been more excited for an open thread.

    2. secondursula +4

      Anne Carson!!!!! Autobiography of Red is great, but so are Men in the Off Hours and Decreation. The essay at the heart of Decreation “How Women Like Sappho, Marguerite Porete, and Simone Weil Tell God” is my favorite thing ever actually written.

      ETA: Bonus for anyone who has access to Muse https://muse.jhu.edu/journals/common_knowledge/v0…

      2. karilynkempton +1

        Oh Autobiography of Red was one of the most wonderful books I read in university. Loved loved loved it. BRB, time to go re-read!

    3. grumblyqueer +7

      GWENDOLYN BROOKS AND RITA DOVE. A poetry course without “The Rites For Cousin Vit” or “Parsley” is no poetry course at all. Also Patricia Smith, if he’s looking for a way to ease the students into slam poetry.

    4. literarysara +13

      An obvious one, but I find Langston Hughes really excellent for 100 level courses. He wrote a number of short pieces that really excellently illustrate terms you have to teach in poetry (like Crystal Stair; A-plus use of conceit) and the language is very accessible. Also, I once took a grad-level lit class with someone who had never read any Hughes and that honestly should never happen again.
      Same period: Countee Cullen uses very classical forms, excellent for intro courses.

      Jean Toomer, dreamy and surreal. Rita Dove, who was Poet Laureate for awhile. Li Young Lee. Lucille Clifton, who may be my favorite poet of all time. (Examples.) Tracy K. Smith, one of my favorite contemporary poets.

      1. Jill T +1

        I have a recording of Hughes talking about his life and reciting poetry. It’s just wonderful.

      2. emily_of_athens

        Oh, I *love* Countee Cullen and I had totally forgotten that until this post! Thanks for reminding me, I’m going to go look up some poems right now.

    5. missmonicae +1

      Marilyn Nelson, “How I discovered poetry”–I read the poem in high school, but apparently it’s also the title of her memoir (!!!).
      And Claude McKay hit me pretty hard in middle school.
      Also, Poetry Out Loud focuses a lot on diversity, so browsing their selection (poetryoutloud.org) may help. They tend to lean more towards recent stuff, though, so it’s not so helpful if you want a historical perspective.

    10. rangiferina +2

      Oohhh! I second everyone mentioned already in the comments, but also how about: Afaa Michael Weaver, Joy Harjo, Danez Smith, A.K. Ramanujan, Naomi Shihab Nye, Mark Doty.

    11. Antonius_Block +3

      Adrienne Rich (lesbian, ferocious feminist, tremendous wordsmith), and Martín Espada (Latino, writes so incredibly about immigration, among other things).

      You should definitely read “For the Jim Crow Mexican Restaurant in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Where My Cousin Estaban was Forbidden to Wait Tables Because He Wears Dreadlocks” from that linked Espada page. One of my all-time favorites.

    16. kilks401 +3

      Prelude to Bruise by Saeed Jones is great and any of the poems in that could work.

      oh and Citzen: An American Lyric by Claudia Rankine

  21. logicbutton +54

    Someone I admire on Twitter followed me back the other day and hasn’t unfollowed me yet! Could it be that she didn’t do it accidentally?!

    1. eleventysix +9

      you are an absolute delight on twitter. i’m glad you get to share that with someone new and admirable now 🙂

      1. isabellebleu +3

        Seconded! I finally worked up the courage to wade into Toastie Twitter and your tweets have improved the tweetspace immensely 🙂

    2. SarcasticFringehead +14

      I haven’t been active on Twitter in forever, but I was looking at my account (working up to joining Toastie Twitter) and I realized that Edward James Olmos followed me back when I followed him lo these many years ago. So now I have to keep everything private or be really impressive.

      1. logicbutton +7

        Oh my gosh, I’d be paralyzed. But I look forward to having you join us on Toastie Twitter!

  22. beakbreath +42

    I got a surprise cat! She is so tiny and all my pictures of her are terrible because whenever I come near her with my phone, she headbutts my hand until I pet her.

    So far she and my dog have been staring silently at each other from opposite sides of the living room.

      2. Xolandra +10

        Freyja (Old Norse God) and Fanchette (the cat in Colette’s La Chatte) are basically my two favourite cat names ever. Also Jabberwocky.

        1. fakely_mctest +15

          My tiny tortie (8 lbs! full grown!) is named Freya! She’s v. vocal and basically impossible to photograph except whilst eating.

    3. tabwootwo +11

      My dad has a small black cat when he was little named Pretzel! (He also had a cat named Chairman Meow) I only learned of these cats two weeks ago and they made a little bit more of my dad’s personality click in my brain.

    4. ladyimogen +4

      My favoritely named cat lived at a hill hostel in Ireland and was named Greisha (sp?) which means mischief in Gaelic.

  23. rolotomassi5 +16

    Hannibal thread!

    Freddie! “Murder husbands.” Dolahyde speaks and is creepy. Alana & Margo. Feeling Randy!

    I’m going to miss this show so much.

    1. octopoda +5

      Finger wagging! So much innuendo this ep. Also Rutina Wesley allowed to do really good work, instead of being given horrible material like on True Blood.

    2. ppyajunebug +8

      I have never been so delighted as when Bryan and co made “murder husbands” canon. This show should be a lesson in how to engage with and appreciate your fandom.

      MURDER HUSBAAAAANDS

  24. Passing_Strange +18

    Toasties, I would like to tell you about two things that I am rooting for that I think are very Toast-like:

    1. This trans-friendly barbershop that is getting crowd-funded in Vancouver. They are 61% funded, and if you want to put in money but don’t live locally, it will go towards their community fund (to pay for people who can’t afford their services).

    2. The Prisoner Correspondence Project, which matches GLBT prisoners in the US and Canada with outside GLBT penpals for solidarity, friendship and support. Their website isn’t updated regularly, but the project is still very much active. I just got matched with a penpal and sent my first letter this morning. They have a long wait-list of people inside who have signed up for a penpal, so if writing a letter once a month is something that you can commit to, please sign up!

    What projects are you rooting for?

    2. smiavs +3

      If you’re on Twitter, I suggest you tweet the hell out of both those links. I just tweeted the first one to Laverne Cox, Tom Phelan, and several other people involved with The Fosters tv show. Personally not a fan of the whole celebrity worship culture, but having someone famous retweet a link can make or break a crowdfunding attempt, and it would get a lot of attention for the second project, too.

      Edited to add: Chaz Bono, Caitlyn Jenner, and Janet Mock have also been made aware of the first one, and I tweeted at pretty much the entire cast of Oranges Is the New Black hoping one of them will retweet and drum up interest for the second one.

  25. fakegeekgrrrl +7

    Hiii Toasties!!

    I’ve been really inspired by the fitness stuff on the Toast lately, and I really think I want to try weightlifting! But I also can’t really afford a gym membership/equipment. Does anyone know of any like workout videos or streaming services one could use to learn about / get started in something like that?

    2. Xolandra +2

      I don’t do weights, but if you’re just starting a new régime, it might be worth it to join a gym (or hire a trainer? Or hang with a friend who is into it?) at least for a little while to make sure you’ve got the moves down before branching out on your own. You don’t want to be deadlifting your butt into twerking shape one day and discover that you cannot move your back the next.

    3. CleverManka +4

      I can’t recommend lifting weights as a complete beginner without some sort of in-person help from someone who actually knows what they’re doing. That way lies injury and sadness. Heck, I injured myself pretty bad even with a solid coach. But Krista Scott Dixon is fantastic and Breaking Muscle is my favorite online exercise magazine.

      I look forward to hearing about your experiences. Weightlifting is so great!

    4. rhymeswitheight +3

      Just plain old Youtube has a lot of videos! Many of them are bodyweight/aerobic exercises, so you don’t have to worry about having equipment OR hurting yourself using that equipment wrong.

    5. missmonicae +5

      I’ve used a book called “You Are Your Own Gym” which is mostly bodyweight exercises, but there are some with weights. What I like about it is that it’s all designed to be done at home, so it has tips like “If you don’t have a bar this height, try the edge of your kitchen table” and “Here are a bunch of reasonably heavy things you probably have around your house.”

    6. Alexisnotthecar +2

      NerdFitness or Marks Daily Apple have really great bodyweight exercises that increase in difficulty so you don’t need equipment!

    7. maggiegrift +2

      I’d also recommend filming yourself and making sure you look like you think you’re supposed to look

    8. ayelltee +1

      Oh my goodness, I’m going to send you down the rabbit hole. There’s a long time online fitness forum called videofitness.com (name alone tells you how old it is) that’s a great resource for home exercisers. Many of us on the forum started in the video era, transitioned to DVDs and are now into streaming. Take a look around, search some old threads and see if you want to join! No spam, no need to do anything more than lurk, but you will hear about ALL the latest home workouts and hang with some interesting (almost all) women of every age and fitness level.

    9. amoderngirl +2

      Fitness Blender’s online videos have been an absolute godsend for me without a gym membership. The only equipment you need is a few pairs of dumbbells, but if you want you can easily do most of their videos with bodyweight only and still get a good workout (and they have plenty of videos that don’t call for any equipment at all). I appreciate their lack of obnoxious background music and gendered bullshit.

  26. Krutahn +20

    Oh man, Toasties, I can’t stop thinking about the Ask Bear column from earlier this week. I find myself in a similar situation to the LW-about to turn thirty, married, with a pleasant enough life that somehow I don’t feel like I’m fully participating in? (At least I’m pretty clear on not wanting kids and just hanging out with my little niece sometimes instead, which is a relief.) I used to *do* a lot more stuff-I was a voracious knitter, baker, paper-crafter, used book shopper, etc., but now I feel like all I do outside of work is dick around on the internet, drink, and occasionally read books and watch Star Trek. And I think I really want to change that.

    So tell me, what are you lovely Toasties *doing*? What passions, hobbies, etc. have you picked up that have made your lives happier and fuller?

    1. safvn +14

      I recently picked up a child’s set of watercolor paints at Target ($10), which came with a small book of watercolor paper, and cut the paper into postcard sizes and did some watercolor postcards to send to my friends. It was surprisingly relaxing and fun. I used to be decent at art as a kid but I haven’t done any of that in forever, and it was wonderful to reconnect with a more visual part of myself. The postcards aren’t that great, but they are still small pieces of art that came from me, and it’s pretty cool to see them go out into the universe as postcards. (If anyone wants one, btw, let me know!)

      I hope you find something – many things – that make you happier. This is a pretty cheap one to try, if you want. 🙂

      1. CleverManka +4

        Oh that sounds wonderful! I would love to exchange art postcards with you! Email me your mailing address (clevermanka68 at gmail) and I’ll respond with mine.

    2. Girl Named Jack +4

      Right now I play clarinet in a couple of community groups and I write a lot of fanfic. But my hobbies come and go in waves. I’ve done all sorts of stuff – I used to make dollhouse furniture, I had an old printing press and made cards and invitations, gardening, cooking very specific types of food (the pickling phase was fun). And when a hobby wanes and I get stuck in a rut of Netflix or video games, that’s ok too. Something else’ll come down the pike eventually.

    3. SarcasticFringehead +19

      I’m working on getting involved in an organization that holds rock camps for young girls, where they can go and learn an instrument and form bands and write songs, and it’s just about the most unrelentingly positive thing I’ve ever had in my life. I went to the showcase for one of the camp sessions a couple weeks ago – imagine being at an actual rock venue, completely packed with parents & supporters, and watching a bunch of seven-year-olds perform a song they wrote and then get cheered by this enormous crowd, and then imagine later watching a group of thirteen-year-olds singing a song about how gender and sexuality are a spectrum, and you will find that it is impossible to be cynical, at least for a couple hours.

      The organization also does a ladies’ rock camp, where I learned (“learned”) to play bass, so I think I might try to pursue that as well.

    4. sarah_jay +6

      I think one of the best things I did after moving to a new state a few years ago was join a local chapter of the Modern Quilt Guild. It gets me out of the house at least once a month and the great women there encourage each other in person and on instagram. It motivates me to learn new things in quilting, and to be ok when quilts don’t turn out the way I want them to. Is there a knitting group near you? or an instagram group that you could join to share projects and ideas? Having someone else approve/praise my work or progress is very encouraging and has helped me a lot.

    5. GruntledDave +7

      I coach people (for free, for fun) in powerlifting/weight training/etc. 5 days per week, and it scratches my “give something back” itch. I also play D&D when I can find a group (we have a monthly one now that is mostly lifters, including fellow Toastie elsajeni!), and that hits the “do something social/creative” spot. Those are the two things that I miss when I’m not doing them, if that makes sense?

      1. elsajeni +4

        Ooh, I like how you’re categorizing things. Over the last couple of years I’ve been trying to balance my hobbies similarly — something physical, something social, and something creative/productive (in the sense of “look, I PRODUCED a thing”). I think I’ve got a pretty good balance at the moment: lifting for the physical thing, D&D and regular board game days for the social thing, and cross-stitching and polymer clay minis for the creative thing.

    6. RudyRed +6

      I play tabletop RPGs like DnD or Pathfinder (in fact that’s my primary method of IRL socialization), and I knit and crochet like a mofo. Often I do both at the same time!

      I’ve also joined a couple book clubs recently (yes! more than one! we’ll see how that turns out!), and that’s been tons of fun. It’s like I’m back in my college English classes again, except without the pressure of a grade! So basically my ideal situation because I love analyzing the crap out of stuff. All of the book clubs are women/feminism-centric, which is extra special.

      1. octopoda +2

        I’m in two book clubs too! A work one, and a SFF one. I’ve read so many books I’ve liked that I would never have picked up on my own.

    7. Angelan_ +9

      I started dressmaking. And also writing fanfiction. I like to have produced A Thing, it’s satisfying.

      1. haunting_of +5

        I started writing fanfic recently too and it is SO SATISFYING. You get to write a thing and people actually read it! Amazing.

        1. Angelan_ +6

          I know! I’m constantly astonished by how nice people are! I mostly write silly short stories and people comment and it’s delightful. Someone podficced my work once!

    8. octopoda +1

      I’m teaching myself to draw (mostly digitally, but also some pencil and pen). We also have a ton of pets.

    9. mmsees +14

      I recently started embroidering, which I have found surprisingly soothing. Here’s a little tiny NY map:

      20150727_191553

      I also recently got involved in a women’s maker/hacker space. I’m a knitter and primarily got involved because of knitting and wanting to get into sewing, etc., but it’s also been a really great opportunity to meet really interesting women and see the things they’re interested in making as well. Something like a knitting circle could be fun for you, since you already knit, but I would also suggest a more general group too so you can explore new things through people that are already passionate about them.

      1. tragicallyludicrous +2

        I’m actually thinking of learning embroidery (although like everything else I’ll probably get bored of it once I figure it out, but hey). How did you start?

        1. mmsees +5

          I bought a kit from this etsy store pretty impulsively. She sent along really clear instructions with practice fabric and embroidery thread in addition to the pattern itself. I found it pretty self explanatory (at least the simple stuff) so you could probably just look up interesting patterns online and then get an embroidery loop and some thread from a craft store, but it was kind of nice to have someone just send me everything I needed for round 1 to decide if it’s something I want to do again (and it is!). There are tons of kits and patterns on etsy, so it might be worth poking around to see if anything catches your eye.

          1. SmrtCookie +1

            Also youtube! There are tons of tutorials on everything crafty if you’re more of a visual learner!

          2. Mrs_Peel +6

            I got an awesome kit like that with an Oregon Trail wagon on it, which says “YOU HAVE DIED OF DYSENTERY”. (Of course, I haven’t gotten around to actually making it yet…)

        2. sarah_jay +1

          I’m a big fan of craftsy.com classes. I’ve bought a few of the quilting ones, and I think they’re good value for money.
          They have embroidery classes. This one looks good: http://www.craftsy.com/class/design-it-stitch-it-…

          I promise I don’t work for them, I just think that the video, patterns, class discussion, and interaction with the actual teacher are great.

    10. shevralay +5

      Recently I bought a poplar board at home depot, and cut it up with my dad’s assistance, and am painting small things on the front. I plan to leave them around town to be picked up by interested parties. That process made me feel SO MUCH more engaged in my day.

      And improv. So much improv. Can’t recommend it enough.

    11. freshwaterpearl +3

      I’m trying to be a writer (or, I am a writer, I’m trying to be a writer anybody ever reads), so that’s my kind of driving thing, but it is solitary and kind of discouraging a lot of the time, and my dayjobs are fine but are not ever going to be my reason for living. So lately I’ve started volunteering. I kind of committed to a bunch of stuff, and I’m busier now, but it feels good to have someplace to be. I started volunteering for a local theater, and that is nice–I show up for an hour and usher for a show, people are mostly very nice to me, and then everybody is sitting down and I’m done! Easy, productive, makes me feel competent, and I get free theater tickets. I’m also on a couple committees with my spiritual community, which has been taking up a lot of time lately but is good, purposeful work. And I auditioned for a choir and I got in! That doesn’t start until the fall but I’m super excited about it. Something about the cycle of rehearsing and performing a season of concerts gives a kind of shape to the year that you don’t always have when you’re not in school anymore.

    12. Thujaplicata +1

      I have a bi weekly (that’s every two weeks, right?) Shadowrun group that is all ladies with a very patient male GM that is great fun and much silliness. I’ve also just made a pact with a good friend to work out together (we both have similar goals, similar things that our bodies won’t allow us to do, and similar levels of fitness).
      I would still like to find a good community volunteer opportunity though. I volunteer at a local museum doing living history during the summer, but that doesn’t feel like it fills the community involvement that I need.

    13. Beakses +2

      I do judo! And have for what turns out to be rather a long time – going off and on 10 years now, more on than off, thankfully! I’m finding that now I get to do more teaching as well as continuing to learn, and it’s great fun. I’ve been spending more time working with some of the kids in the past few months- it’s so cool, especially with the girls, to see them build strength and skills and turn into total badasses- who on top of all that can throw people!

    14. sorrycassandra +4

      I knit. I knit like it’s my job (well, since I’m currently between jobs…I can kind of get away with it) and my identity. I am knitting a Fair Isle sweater for myself because I love the magic of wool between my fingers and the play of color against color. Tiny yarn and stitches and I’m not a tiny woman.

      I want to find a group to play D&D/Pathfinder with, but don’t have anyone locally yet.

      I’ve started delivering Meals on Wheels.

    15. Strophoria +6

      I am preparing to ride my bicycle across Canada, and becoming obsessed with gear and reading books about the merits of ultralight vs. ultracheap vs traditional style touring. I also recently became the moderator of a podcast and audiobook appreciation group that is filled with leftists and feminists, so thats pretty fun! I am listening to a lot of great audio while I tend my garden, or sew, or make gear lists and do training rides.

      I also started offering free tarot readings on my blog, and spend at least a half hour laying out cards for people or studying. I am a practicing witch so I spend some time each day fussing with my altar, reading online grimoires or doing minor spellwork. And I am recently unemployed so I also spend time looking for jobs.

      1. RudyRed +1

        Oh that’s cool! I’ve idly considered the possibility of a bicycle tour from Chicago (where I live) to the Twin Cities (where my parents live), but my only bike is an old steel frame Schwinn three-speed so I don’t know how well that would work. What sort of reading would you recommend for someone considering a first-time tour?

        1. Strophoria +3

          Hmm, steel frame is good news but you’re going to want something with an external drive train. I spent a week and $1200 hitchhiking and greyhound bussing from Quebec to Connecticut to buy a Surly Long Haul Trucker used from an elderly collector, but you may not be as obsessed as I am. You will want a sturdy steel frame bike with rack attachments at least in the rear, 26″ wheels, a 3×9 shifting system and road bars. I am firmly Camp Rim Brakes but this is a controversial option. Something like an old Peugeot or Fiori commuter frame with a modern drive train would serve you well.

          Tom Allen’s Bike Trip is an excellent and informative blog, and also check the archives of Adventure Cycling magazine, the subscription is cheap and they have great maps dating from 1973-present. A lot of ultralight hiking information also applies to shorter range trips, like filters and stealth camping techniques. And there are a fair few books on the subject, but none are perfect – all of them have some idealogical flaw. I liked Spandex Optional by Peter Rice, except for his staunch refusal to embrace the dirtbag lifestyle and insistence on adhering to middle class ideals of sanity and cleanliness on the road. The actual information is pretty good and non-nonsense, he’s just irritating as a person. Also get some good paper road maps, google’s info on bike trails is fucking terrible even in cities. And my advice is learn to dumpster dive and practice sleeping undetected in parks and fields beforehand if you can, but this is admittedly riskier when you have a fixed address and actual responsibilities besides getting to the next town.

          Oh! And Tom Allen has a vimeo video tutorial for making alcohol stoves out of cans, so check that out.

  27. aravisthequeen +39

    Toasts, I am still super depressed about all the shit going down in my life (spoiler alert: it’s worse!) so let’s have something entertaining.

    Tell me about your childhood and adolescent attempts at writing. The embarrassing ones. I’ll start you off: When I was in Grade Eight, fresh off my very first readings of horror novels, I decided to write a story that would scare the pants off everyone else in my “creative writing” class. So I thought and thought and thought and came up with a very original story about a girl who befriended a weird loner girl in her isolated village in the Northeast, and she went over to the weird loner girl’s house, and her family were all super creepy, and they finally put her to bed in the spare room and the pillow was filled with……………….HUMAN HAIR.

    That was it. That was the most terrifying thing I could come up with at age 13. Even while I was reading it to the class I was thinking “You know, this really isn’t all that scary,” and it wasn’t. That was my first and last attempt at horror. Stephen King I am not.

    1. deleted7410012 +13

      WHERE TO START?

      the ones that mortifyingly were at least semi-public: the super thinly-veiled semi-autobiographical short story i wrote at 15 about a suicidal teen, so so so many “poetic” and vague teenage blog posts about the guy i liked

      the ones no one else saw, thank god: my angsty teenage poetry (including all the required imagery: masks! mirrors! blood!), the self-insert fanfic i wrote at 13 about orlando bloom and me at drama camp

      1. notebook-keeper +11

        I also wrote self-insert fanfic about Orlando Bloom, both in IRL and Legolas forms.

          1. LemonEucalyptus +6

            Right? That’s what about a quarter of my Creative Writing classmates seemed to be writing my sophomore year. When it wasn’t Orlando Bloom, it was Elijah Wood or Johnny Depp.

    2. Hey_Cinderella +20

      When we were taking weird placement tests at the end of middle school to figure out where we’d be in high school I misread the prompts for the writing portion and thought it was supposed to be Creative Writing and not an analysis. It was something about a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, so I wrote a light fantasy piece about a young girl going through a coming of age ritual. If I remember 8th grade me right the girl was probably named either Rhiannon or Aurora and there was almost definitely magic involved. Basically it was probably Stevie Nicks fanfic.

      After class I was so excited to talk to my friends about their stories and they informed me that no, you were supposed to write what the whole butterfly out the cocoon prompt meant. I was so embarrassed, but somehow I ended up in honors English. I still have no idea how that happened.

      1. isabellebleu +4

        Hello, Would Read this test piece. Do you still have it? It sounds very Relevant To My Interests

    3. fakegeekgrrrl +12

      Oh my god, so, when I was in 7th or 8th grade, I tried to enter the school talent show by doing a reading of a short horror story I had written. It was about a woman who seduced a man into a long-term relationship, and murdered him with poison lipstick on the night he proposed to her as vengeance for some crime. (He murdered her father? Or her best friend? I don’t remember.)

      The drama teacher running the show told me it was too morbid for the school talent show. Maybe I should try a Starbucks open mic?

      (Also, I don’t know about the tough stuff going on in your life but I’m sorry to hear about it and I hope this thread does cheer you up some.) <3

    4. paperbgprincess +36

      In fifth grade I spent a long time writing a long story and making it into a little book. I remember I printed it in colored ink and folded the pages in half and drew a picture on each one. I can’t really remember what it was about, I think it was about a Native American little girl but I dunno. Anyway, I wrote a lot of dialogue for it and I was getting tired of writing “he said” “she said”, so I looked up SAY and EXCLAIM in the thesaurus and put in everything listed, basically.

      My fifth grade teacher read it and her face turned red and she started sputtering. She pointed to a word in my story and asked me, “Do you know what this means???” I could tell she was upset but I didn’t know why, so I just told her I found it in the thesaurus and it meant to say. I started to cry, she was so upset and I didn’t understand. All she told me was “Go home and show this to your mother!”

      My mother just laughed and then bought me a more up-to-date thesaurus. The word was ejaculate.

          1. SarcasticFringehead +14

            Plus, was she not aware that the best way to get kids to learn about inappropriate things is to make a big deal about them? (Not that I necessarily think it’s inappropriate for a fifth-grader to know the various meanings of “ejaculate,” but she clearly did). If she’d just ignored it, you would have had no idea.

      2. themegnapkin +18

        “Ejaculate” is used as “to say” in A Little Princess. I used it in conversation with my mom, and I had an inkling it could mean something else, but I didn’t learn the other meaning until years later.

    5. CleverManka +18

      Maybe if it had been her own hair? Like, years-worth of collections of her own hair?

      I thought I wanted to be an author for about ten minutes in fourth grade. Then I actually tried it and decided I’d rather learn to cook.

    6. Either_Ada +30

      When I was 16, I was a total cliched writer of deep, dark poetry. Pathetic fallacy? Check. Weak tea sturm und drang? Check. Long strings of thesaurus rex adjectives? Check. Metaphors for sexual longing that weren’t as veiled as I thought they were? Check.

      I submitted some to a poetry conference for teens at the local state university, and I did get in. It was fun! I sat in desk circles with real live published poets and learned to cross out my adjectives and not talk about crying while it rained! It was great!

      But when I was 24, I was at that same state university–in the English department–getting my Master’s. One of the grad student office aides was going through some old files looking for things to toss. Guess what he found? Guess what he shared with everybody? I tried to have a sense of humor about it–what arty kid doesn’t write this embarrassing hormone excrescence?

      Still. Mortifying.

    7. thedaela +28

      I’m so sorry you need the distraction. Wishing you pockets of joy amid it all.

      For embarrassing writing, I like the Mortified podcast – and especially the “50 Shades of Awkward” episode. People volunteer to read embarrassing writing from their childhood years. In “50 Shades of Awkward” a woman reads the erotica she wrote as a 13-year-old with only a vague understanding of the mechanics of sex.

      My embarrassing adolescent story was when – as a teenager who definitely should have known about the birds and the bees – I wrote a dignified Jane Austen-esque novel of manners that mentioned a minor character getting pregnant and having three children, one after the other, because she had once been married.

      Somehow I thought once you’d been sexually active, you just keep popping out babies indefinitely.

      I was definitely old enough that I should have known better.

      1. viviennestreet +23

        I messaged this story to my friend (who has four kids of her own) and she replied:

        thats how it happens
        once u pop the fun wount stop

      3. EllaAstor +9

        OMG I really did think once you’d been sexually active, you have no control over how many children you have. I asked a woman with 5 kids why she had 5 kids and she said she just wanted that many. I asked her, “yeah, but how do you stop it? Do you say a magic word?” She gave me the oddest look.

        I have thought about WHY I thought that, and it may have been because my grandmother’s sisters kept having kids, and their husbands just kept complaining about having to support them. Like, the husbands and my aunts had no control over having babies. My grandmother said one time to her sister: “Your husband should keep his pants zipped” and I thought he had a faulty zipper.

        Oh dear god no, why am I admitting this?

    8. Es_Petal +35

      I hated Jane Eyre (which we did for A-levels) with such a burning passion that I took the ‘creative writing’ option for one of the essays, wrote a new last chapter and killed them all. Apparently the examiner hated them all too, because I got 97%.

      1. Either_Ada +13

        I was and still am a big Jane Eyre fan, but this is still the best. I hope they all died bloody and painful.

        1. Es_Petal +18

          It was 20 years ago so I can’t remember a lot, but I am pretty sure they did. Am I imagining things or did Rochester go blind in the actual novel? I think I had him being too stubborn to stop riding his horse and being thrown into a tree because he couldn’t see properly.

          1. Either_Ada +17

            He was mostly blinded, and eventually regained enough vision to sort of make out rough shapes–which is actually perfect for that sort of demise. I can totally see Rochester deciding “fuzzy blobs”=”enough eyesight for horseback riding”.

          2. isabellebleu +6

            This illuminating comment just made me realize that my own grandfather (cataract-blind, still driving his truck down twisty rural seaside roads) IS ROCHESTER.

      2. chiaroscuromom +13

        But but but have you read Jasper Fforde’s The Eyre Affair? Because it is seriously The Best Thing.

    9. her_again +10

      OH my god. Okay. I have so much material for this topic it’s not funny. When we were nine or ten, my best friend and I used to write long stories that were really just vehicles for inserting LOTS of (hilariously poorly imagined) sex scenes. The other scenes were hurriedly scribbled down so we could leave semi-decent intervals between sex scenes, and thus pretend to ourselves that we weren’t writing proto-erotica.

      Then when I was about sixteen, I wrote a truly awful novel. The potential for hilarious re-readings is high, but I don’t think I’m far enough out from the experience to find it anything other than mortifying.

      1. darthcacti +8

        I, too, have boxes in my parents house of poorly written erotic by my friends and I (all late bloomers, all quite unclear as to How Sex Worked) that is just waiting for the next wedding/public event. I think I will have to arrange a reading

      2. Mrs_Peel +2

        When I was in fifth grade, my friends and I took turns writing chapters of an “erotic novel” until it was confiscated by somebody’s mom.

        Fortunately, we had just enough self-awareness to know how little we really knew about sex (apart from PE lectures and V.C. Andrews novels), so the whole thing was pretty tongue-in-cheek. I remember that our female protagonist was named “Tinkerbelle”…

    10. notebook-keeper +7

      I wrote a lot of awful fanfiction in middle school (Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings). Some very heavy-handed short stories with MESSAGES for English classes in middle/high school. A lot of awful, angsty poetry about unrequited crushes that thankfully no one ever read.

    11. ArguablyMagalis +4

      When I was in 6th grade I wrote a story that was pretty much 100% a rip off of “Ella Enchanted” (which I had just read). My teacher was super nice though and made some comment about what a great imagination I had, and how she couldn’t wait to see me published one day. Too bad for her, I had given up any writing aspirations I may have entertained by the time I got to high school. I found a copy of it when I was cleaning out my childhood bedroom last year, and cringed at most of it.

      In 8th grade we had to create our own myths, and I don’t remember much about mine except that it had fairies in it? And I think it had to do with why we have seasons or something. But I know one of the fairies was named like “Weeping Cherry” or something (because all of the fairies were named after trees, but only the trees that had dramatic sounding names). And I know that even as I was turning it in for class I was super embarrassed because I knew it was terrible.

      1. chiaroscuromom +10

        I had a teacher make the same “you should see about getting that published” comment on a bit of writing that I had bold-faced plagiarized, and I read it as “I see what you did there, and you’d best not do it again.”

        1. ArguablyMagalis +5

          I never thought of it that way! She was a super great teacher, I always assumed she was just trying to be supportive of a weird 11 year old bookworm! At any rate, I was so embarrassed by the comment, for the rest of the schoolyear I was super careful to not write anything too closely resembling a book I had recently read. So maybe she was trying to say “I see what you did there, and you’d best not do it again” and I just didn’t realize it?

    12. grumblyqueer +14

      I wrote a play in eleventh grade. For a drama club event. It was about a group of kids who messed with a Ouija board and then made sensible real-world decisions about the aftermath, which was then doctored by the director to add more roles and melodrama. It was performed by human people. In front of an audience who had paid money to see it and several other plays. I hid in the bathroom until the unholy hacked-up monster was over.

    13. larocquen +9

      Wrote two chapters of a “novel” in 8th grade about first love to use for a young author competition/conference. After the conference, it quickly snowballed into ridiculously over detailed HP fanfic and I dropped it like a red-hot poker because younger me was *very* snobby about Literature.

      Also, I totally wanted to write a ghost story in grad school about a docent in a history museum who was actually a ghost but since I made the mistake of telling my Mom that I’d based the ghost on a woman we knew from church she totally bashed it. Way to be a supportive parent, MOM!

    14. tragicallyludicrous +4

      There was the year I was really into Velvet Goldmine and glam-era Bowie (in that order, really, which makes it worse) and I wrote poetry about my own glam-rock alter-ego. The word “phoenix” was part of the name. This was all in the style of glam-rock lyrics, which are basically all symbolism that makes no sense whatsoever.

    15. missmonicae +25

      In elementary school, I had to write short stories to go with whatever history I was learning. I didn’t understand plots, though, so I’d write things with beginnings like “One day all us Iroquois kids went out in the canoe.” I think in that one they had a fight and accidentally capsized, because it ended “And we all died. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH,” just like every other story I wrote at that age.

      Also, early poetry:
      “Someday”
      Someday, the rock will turn to stone
      And the stone will turn to wall
      And the wall will turn to castle
      While the castle turns to love.

      My father asked me what the last line meant, and I said it was “like, a metaphor.”

    16. sausagedog +11

      Oh man… so my early attempts at writing writing were in… 6th-ish grade, when I became a regular on the “Writers” forum on (wait for it) Neopets. Posting angsty free-form poetry and “excerpts” from “novels” for critique by people I assumed were more legit than I. I honestly think it improved my writing in the long term, though, simply because I was writing all the time in order to have things to post, and because people were generally supportive and erred on the side of softness in their critiques. But that early stuff was still rough rough rough. (From Neopets, moved on to… DeviantArt and Livejournal! Oh, early 00s internet.)

      Side note, also the place I first heard the term “shipping,” although I didn’t know what it meant– I just played along and must have confused many people with what I said were my “favorite ships.” I thought we were just naming characters we liked.

      (Hope your life stuff gets easier soon. Hugs!)

      1. celery +2

        Yesssss, the Neopets writers board! We probably bumped into each other back in the day.

      2. viviennestreet +5

        Oh wow, I think I wrote something based on Neopets, too. I never posted it online, but I definitely remember my Mom read it, and I think she even showed it to a coworker of hers? In retrospect I’m really unsure why she would do that, but it made sense at the time because it was awesome, obvs.

    17. celery +20

      So up until I was in middle school, all of my stories were about magical cats.

      My favorite, invented when I was 8 or 9, was that there was a land with lots of different varieties of magical cats, and only magical cats. One variety I called Cheshire cats, which could turn into any other type of magical cat. And for some reason the other magical cats thought this was bad and would arrest Cheshire cats on sight (I do not remember having any defined reason for this). So Cheshire cats always had to go around in disguise and not be discovered.

      Also Cheshire Cats in their natural form were rainbow-colored and the rainbow patterns in their fur constantly changed.

      I turned this into a game with my sisters. It was awesome.

      2. SarcasticFringehead +14

        I mean, people/entities with privilege are always suspicious of others who can successfully imitate them, so if there was any kind of ruling class I could totally see how they’d want to oppress the Cheshire cats.

    18. flying_ghoti +10

      Oh dear. Well, I definitely wrote some weird SF comedy thing involving K-9 from Dr Who, despite the fact that I did not watch Dr Who. I remember all the characters had different fonts – writing on one of my elementary school’s Apple IIe with multiple font options was a Big Deal.

      But special mention has to go to the Sherlock Holmes story I wrote in fourth or fifth grade, entitled “SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE TIME MACHINE!” in which Sherlock was transported to the 20th century and solved a murder in, like, four pages. Double-spaced. (Sherlock found out about the murder investigation because he overheard a police radio, and he has the innate ability to understand police jargon. That’s officially part of the Holmes canon now and I expect you all to respect that.) I mention this not because it was so bad, but because I thought it was so good – I entered it in a contest at a mystery bookstore in Fells Point and it won an honorable mention, which I absolutely failed to realize was given out of politeness. But that was my first victory as a writer. I’m not at all sure I would be writing today if it hadn’t been for that story.

    19. RudyRed +5

      Oh man. When I was in junior high my BFF and I developed an elaborate game of make-believe in which I was a griffon and she was a centaur, and the neighborhood children we were tasked with supervising were princesses that we had to protect from evil forces. We eventually started writing down the story and wanted to turn it into a novel. I hung on to that damn document for YEARS, every so often completely ripping out chunks of it, sometimes starting over entirely. I think it wasn’t til high school that I finally dumped it for good.

      Because by then I had found fanfiction! And yaoi! Oh dang I wrote a multi-chapter Rurouni Kenshin fanfic (Kenshin/Sannouske yaoi, natch) that actually got pretty good reviews on FF.net. I killed them both off at the end because I’d written myself into a corner and couldn’t figure out how else to finish it. Also Tragic Love and all that. I also wrote a Kingdom Hearts fanfic that had a self-insert character that was not quite so well-received. Never even finished that one.

      1. Scarlet_Flight +2

        Are you my junior high BFF??! My BFF and I developed a weirdly elaborate neighborhood mythology involving witches and cats and magical rituals. We also wrote EXTENSIVELY, mostly historical fiction though. Sadly, I destroyed most of it in high school, but a few stories escaped the destruction and I ferried them out of my parents’ house a few years ago for fear that they might find and read them while cleaning out my childhood bedroom.

        1. celery +2

          Man, my junior high BFF and I *also* developed extremely elaborate ongoing self-insert stories with a bunch of characters, both our original characters and characters from whatever we were watching/reading at the time. And cats. And ferrets. We mostly didn’t write the stories down, though. We told them to each other on our lengthy bus ride. I occasionally turn up the small bits we wrote down when I clean my room, though.

        2. RudyRed +2

          Mom definitely found a steamy scene for a yaoi fic I was writing once, about a decade ago. Ho boy, that was fun.

    20. chiaroscuromom +2

      My goodness, my HS BFF and I spent so much time together writing volumes of bad poetry. I don’t think any of it has survived, thank everything.

      Now I’m the mom reading occasional bits of overwrought writing … it’s very difficult to keep a poker face sometimes.

    21. Alluvial_Fan +13

      I tried to write a novel when I was 12. It was called Death Alley. It was about an alley where people died.

      1. Thujaplicata +4

        An alley where people were murdered, or an alley where people just randomly had heart attacks or sudden allergy attacks?

        1. Alluvial_Fan +1

          Murder, + various spooky killer ghost stuff, + and random back luck cribbed from Looney Tunes (falling anvils, etc.)

          This was not the Great American Novel.

          I think there was also an Egyptian cat involved in the plot somehow.

    22. Scarlet_Flight +2

      I wrote a lot as a 10-13 year old, but my most embarrassing creative writing probably happened when I was a freshman in college, i.e. old enough to know I’m not a creative writing genius. I wrote some truly horrendous poetry about a friendship that was falling apart (I may also have had a crush on her…that part is still confusing for me?). Also, one of my freshman English classes had a creative writing assignment, and a wrote a short story about a family on vacation, with lots of thinly veiled SYMBOLISM about the color of their clothes as it related to the color of the local people’s clothes. It was actually the same friend I wrote the poetry about who called me out on my terrible extended metaphor. I DIED of embarrassment.

    23. Thujaplicata +10

      When I was about 4 and my parents had read me all of the Little House books, I decided I would write my own version: Big House in the Little Woods. I dictated it to my mom, and I think she still has it somewhere. I think I lost interest after the first few chapters, but man was I excited while I was writing it.
      Also, in elementary school every year for a while we wrote and illustrated a little story and then bound it with fabric covered cardboard. In one of my stories (which I think was based on a random dream I had) I included the paragraph “and the dinosaurs started charging [our heros], so they stopped and paid the bill. Man oh Man was I proud of that pun…

    24. isabellebleu +6

      I am creeped. That’s horror enough for me!

      Somewhere in the Ephemera Cabinet is a “novel” I wrote in grade 2 about a girl who was sent to live with witches after her parents died in a freak hippopotamus stampede at the mall. I guess it was my Roald Dahl phase.

    25. Mrs_Peel +3

      I am so, SO grateful that the internet was not A Thing when I was writing my terrible adolescent fiction.

      The worst thing I ever wrote was probably a poker scene in a Star Trek story. I didn’t actually know how to play poker, so it was like that Mitchell and Webb sketch about the guys who write the cricket film without actually knowing anything about cricket.

  28. w00bliette +5

    Toast? I just moved to Los Angeles for a job in Pasadena (ok I have been here 3 weeks but I’ve spent 2 of them holed up in temp housing because goddamn it is difficult to adjust to a new city and job even though I’ve heard a billion wonderful things about LA) and I need some apartment leads really soon, please?
    It’s just me and my bedroom furniture and my car, I’m quiet and considerate and I love coffee and baking and other people’s pets and I make a really nice limoncello.

    1. leslieellenjones +2

      Westside Rentals really is about the best source for solo apartments in the LA area, in my experience. Craigslist probably comes in second–free, but you have to be careful about scams. You might also try checking the ads in the student papers for Cal Tech, Occidental, and anything else in the vicinity–there are usually ads aimed at the impoverished-grad-student demographic, which these days fits just about anyone who isn’t working high up in the entertainment industry, and they’re probably gearing up for people coming back to school and looking for places to live around now. You should also be prepared to jump on a good place as soon as you see it–they go quickly.

    2. eegghh +1

      How soon do you need a place? I happen to know of an apartment in Koreatown that’s about to get empty in october…as it is is mine. Is that location of interest?

    1. laurenipsum +3

      Um yes! I just spam my regular followers with Fury Road though, interspersed with my usual feminism/puppies/kittens. I’m revealmyselfinvincible.

    3. bookwormV +1

      I am not on Tumblr myself, but have been diligently reading through all the Fury Road stuff I can find on other people’s Tumblrs. I have many feelings.

  30. Passing_Strange +3

    Also, whaaaaaat is going to happen in the Canadian election? Did anyone watch the debate last night (I missed it but I watched the post-debate interviews and some of the recaps). Dare we be hopeful? I am not even sure what to hope for. Tell me your reassuring theories about coalition governments please.

    1. Xolandra +3

      I missed it, but what I am largely taking away from the commentary today: Harper is a robotic idiot filled with lies; Trudeau looks good to those who have always thought Trudeau looked good; Mulcair speaks too slowly and is just as big a bully as the rest of them, and GODDAMMIT, WHY CANNOT ELIZABETH MAY TAKE PART IN ALL OF THE DEBATES. Screw you, patriarchy. How much you want to bet that if the Green party was headed by a man, this wouldn’t even be an issue.

  31. dakimel +34

    I stopped for an early lunch to type some (& open thread some – it’s the first I’ve been in here WEEKS and I MISSED y’all) & got seated a table away from a guy explaining to his gf then explaining then extra-double-explainging how it’s possible that he could have gone from There to There via her place and NOT seen her car in the driveway and also when he went to the second there place — and no one knows this yet, well Dude didn’t know it yet, but yes, Dude knows it now, but anyway, that’s beside the point, because the point is like he was trying to say — no one knew about Opportunity Thing so he put his phone on airplane mode, YES AIRPLANE MODE, yes he knows he never puts his phone on airplane mode but this one time he did, and that’s why he didn’t get her call or messages, just because of Dude and Opportunity Thing.

    And on and on. And she couldn’t get a word in because he wouldn’t shut up with his EMPHASIS and his CAJOLING and I wanted to throw sugar packets over her shoulder until she turned around so I could give her a Look that said yes, what he is saying is bullshit, your screaming instincts aren’t wrong, but I didn’t, and she gave in and they left.

    And I’m looking at my manuscript and realizing that I am not giving the d-bag character enough hanging rope. I let him actually shut up and listen to the main character. Clearly that was very wrong of me. To editing I go!

    tl;dr: dudes suck. Hi, everyone.

      1. dakimel +1

        When we went to visit my parents (in Burton) last weekend, they took us to Sommerville for dinner (country life = driving 40 minutes because Mama’s Diner supposedly has the best onion rings) & I was all, “hmm, could I work this visit into an excuse to see RoseCamelia?” But since we had to navigate the whole ‘he wants a 50th anniversary party; she hates parties which he should know after being married to her for 50 years’ thing, I reluctantly dropped the idea.

        1. RoseCamelia +2

          You can *always* visit me! No excuses required. And I will accept any reason to go see you, fiction or non. Please email me your availability for after 20 August, if you’re not swamped with a house full of young people.

    3. GruntledDave +13

      The great thing is that you can have someone in your next book do the sugar-packet-throwing! It’ll be great. Also, that dude was trash.

      We’ll get off our tails once school starts and get a dinner party set up here at our place, and then we can see y’all, and RoseCamelia, and elsajeni, and anyone else who is in Houston!

      1. RoseCamelia +2

        Oooo! Yes, please! I need more time with your partner. I like her and want to ask more questions.

        1. dakimel +1

          Ditto! Would like to hang out again with both of you Gruntleds, as well as RC & the rest.

          Kid 1 departs next week, so our only kid-related restriction soon will be those darn high school football games.

  32. deleted9457019 +29

    Guys I made some pies and if you want you can come to this abortion access fundraiser in Chicago tomorrow and eat them! The Midwest Access Coalition is an amazing project by two amazing women who provide logistical support to women traveling to Chicago from nearby states to receive abortion services they can’t get at home.

    I am kind of worried if the pies are okay, though, hmm, baking pies is hard.

  33. irishbreakfasttime +14

    I’m playing hooky today. It turns out that when you work from home and your job has been super bleah lately and you’re spending your day off job hunting, it’s not THAT different from a workday. Therefore, I will distract myself with The Toast while I work on this cover letter.

    1. sausagedog +3

      I feel you there. I came home early today– I’m legitimately sick, but I’m convinced the only reason I’m sick is because my job has been stressing me out enough to compromise my immunity…

      Good luck on your cover letter– I hope you’re applying to fun jobs, and I hope being at home is at least a bit more relaxing, maybe because you can work in sweatpants, listen to music sans headphones, and eat as many bowls of cereal in succession as you want?

      1. irishbreakfasttime +3

        thanks! This one sounds cool but I have a feeling it’s going to be way underpaid because cool nonprofit. I’ve had enough experience with that…

    2. RandomCrouton +2

      Are you ….. me? Good luck with the cover letter, I’m revising mine too (also the LinkedIn summary, what the heck should it be)

  34. ectocool +10

    Toastie twitter! I missed the Great Following in last week’s thread and I need to find you all! I’m @eighty_lions if you enjoy tweets about figure skating and New England libraries.

    2. MrsTeacherFace +2

      I’m @noxmunk. I just followed you, but I’m private, so I’m not sure that it will alert you!

    6. Rachel8489 +2

      I’m @RachelG8489 and I tweet about reproductive rights and the vaguely veiled frustrations of my job hunt!

      1. rubelang +2

        Is anywhich one of us allowed to edit it? (I’m not on it but happy to add myself.)

        @MindyHungSpace BTW

      2. Ozma Silvershoes +3

        I’m trying to stop being a weird lurker, so I added myself to the list, too! @theverminqueen. I tweet a lot of…jokes? joke fragments? and ugly drawings. I’ve been really busy prepping for my art show (NEXT WEEK!) but my friends and I usually do a couple of x-files drawalongs which are so hilarious and fun, if any of you are Twitter Toasties and also drawing people!

  35. safvn +13

    Hello all Toasties. I heard today that the John Green book Looking for Alaska is for sure, definitely getting made into a movie, and I feel really conflicted about it. When I was a teenager, two friends of mine died in fairly quick succession – one by suicide, one killed by a drunk driver – and this book played an unspeakably critical role in helping me figure out how to grieve. It is probably the most important book in my life. I come back to it for comfort often. I do love the story, but I love it more for how it spoke to me that year and the years afterward, when I was desperately searching for anything that could help me make sense of this impossible thing that had happened.

    Annnnd now it’s getting made into a movie. I don’t know whether I want to see it or anything about it, or if I should be first in line at the theaters. Have you guys ever had an important (to you) book made into a movie and felt conflicted about it? How did you deal with it?

    (BTW, I know that there are a lot of good reasons to dislike John Green and/or his books — I am not trying to say that LFA is an objectively great book or that John Green is an objectively great author or person. In fact, a friend of mine who went through the same experience absolutely loathes LFA, for reasons I understand. I am mostly wondering how you would think about/deal with this situation with books of importance in your own life.)

    1. freshwaterpearl +15

      I feel like John Green gets a lot of shit that is ultimately pretty meaningless, maybe just because the group he writes for includes so many Tumblr users and Tumblr in general is all about talking about celebrities as either PERFECT FLAWLESS HUMAN UNICORN NERD-HEROES or PROBLEMATIC SHITBAGS, and it seems impossible for anyone to be, say, a dude who writes books that he hopes are good, and maybe they are and maybe they’re not, it depends on your criteria and taste, also hey many other people are also writing books! I’ve read LFA and TFIOS and I liked but didn’t adore them, mostly with the feeling that I already have my formative adolescent books and those books were looking to fill a gap I didn’t particularly have. But also, I basically never read a book and think it is perfect, and I’m not even very good at having favorites. Mostly I just like engaging with different texts.

      But anyway, to your question…one of my very favorite books is Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, and I hated the TV adaptation. Loved the cast, hated everything the script did to the back half of the story. Personally my reaction to this was to laugh a lot and immediately try to forget it ever happened. (I, uh, wrote a tumblr post about it if that’s interesting to anyone here.) I saw the film of I Capture the Castle, another favorite, when that came out, and it was fine, very faithful, mostly unremarkable; I hardly remember anything about it. There are plenty of good adaptations out there (I think the new Testament of Youth movie is very good, and that book made a huge impression on me) but it’s been my experience that the more important to me the book is, the less the adaptation matters. That’s just me though. I have friends who were furiously, actively rageful about the JSMN TV show.

      1. cosetthetable +11

        i definitely ALL CAPS AGREE with your John Green analysis. Like, his books are perfectly good YA books. No book is perfect, no book is interesting to everyone, no author is perfect. On the whole, though, as a person, I think he’s pretty well intentioned, pretty open to nuanced criticism, and tends to try to use what power and privilege he has for good. I don’t think he’s above criticism, but when I talk about JG, I find myself giving the sorts of caveats that safvn did above, and I’m starting to think that’s sort of bullshitty of me. He’s a more public personality than many YA authors, so he’s done more to discuss, is more polarizing. I don’t feel the need to footnote my enjoyment of Tamora Pierce’s books, despite the fact that she’s said some dumb things, and her later books are better written than her earlier ones , and her books aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. So why do I seem to get defensive of enjoying John Green?

        on to the movie/book thing:

        John Green has been pretty open about the process of his books becoming movies. The ways they have to change to be decent scripts, the way he feels about the actors, the collaboration aspects. He is always nervous about how they’ll be transformed. So in this case, I would say keep tabs on how John Green seems to feel about the product. If he really truly checks out of the process– isn’t on set, isn’t promoting the hell out of the movie, isn’t specifically telling people that he really loves it…. well, maybe give it a pass.

        I tend to like the adaptions when either I’m not especially attached to the Source Text Exactly As Written (LotR), or when I see the two as different (if very similar) stories, and the movie seems to work as a movie (Stardust). I get unenthusiastic when they’re very very similar and i care about the source and the movies just keep falling short– Harry Potter, Narnia. I don’t get heartbroken or anything, I just check out at some point, even if I’ve enjoyed parts. (I have quibbles with both HP and Narnia, and I’d figured that the movies could FIX those problems and win me over….. but … turns out… nope. didn’t give me the bits i really liked, didn’t fix the problems, better things to do.)

      2. bookwormV +2

        Loved the cast, hated everything the script did to the back half of the story.
        That was my reaction exactly. They took away so much of Stephen’s agency!

    2. RoseCamelia +10

      I have never, never regretted skipping a movie made from a good book. I have always regretted seeing a movie made from a good book. I am middle-aged, so there are a lot of years of data in my “never” and “always”. However, I trust your judgment. If you want to see the movie, I support that. But my stats say you will not regret skipping it.

    3. extrayarn +8

      The Giver. I refused to see that movie. The trailer had so many explosions! And they made the whole thing look like a spaceship or something! I mean, to be fair, I also regret having read the sequels, because I think the first one is so perfect as is.

    4. chiaroscuromom +2

      I’m with @RoseCamelia. If you would be heartbroken and angry if the filmmaker messed up your beloved book, don’t see it. The odds are too poor and the stakes are too high.

    5. shucksmahoney +12

      I once read a quote by James M. Cain, allegedly after the rights to The Postman Always Rings Twice were sold. To paraphrase, he said that people always asked him if he was afraid Hollywood would ruin his book, and he pointed out his book was there, on the shelf – Hollywood ruins movies, not books. I liked the perspective – the original text is still there (and book adaptations, generally, give books a longer shelf life, no matter how terrible the flick), and more readers get to discover it. I was always nonplussed by friends who were outraged that there was a Four Weddings and a Funeral-edition of Auden’s poems released – if it got more people reading the poetry, what was the problem?

      We never know about book adaptations, they’re sometimes great – better than the book (Jaws! Psycho! The Godfather!), or worse (all those Merchant Ivory bunglings of Forster), or despite the immense success of the book, they disappear from popular culture (Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Ship of Fools, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil).

  36. helvetica547 +7

    Toasties! I’m moving to NYC in three weeks – is there a Toastie support group/meetings happening? This is my first time living in the US and I would really like to meet some great new people in my life.
    Also, New Yorkers – tell me about all the great things you can do for free there. I am especially interested in museums/galleries and more or less touristy things as well. There is no way I am paying $32/52 for Empire State Building.

    1. secondursula +2

      Welcome! I’m moving out of the US for the first time and have a lot of sympathy for how stressful it can be. I’m not a New Yorker, but when I was there last, I saw a good exhibit here: http://www.nmai.si.edu/ and enjoyed a popsicle on the High Line. The rest was running around and visiting friends, so I haven’t got many other recommendations, but overall I found New York (mostly Brooklyn with a peek into Manhattan) to be lovely.

    2. Rachel8489 +5

      Yay for moving to NYC! I’m not hooked in to any Toastie hangouts happening in the city, but hopefully someone will let both of us know soon.

      Almost every museum in the city has at least one free day/afternoon/whatever. You can find the info on their websites. Also, if you’ll be eligible for an NYC municipal ID, it gets you free access to a bunch of wonderful cultural institutions! (I really should go get mine…)

    3. daisy +3

      This is going to sound obvious, but make sure you check out the parks! Central Park of course, but also heading Battery Park is a great way to see downtown, and Washington Square park is worth a visit if you wander around Greenwich Village after. The aforementioned High Line park is 100% necessary, and it has really cool outdoor art and architectural views in addition to lovely landscaping.

      As far as museums, a few of the big ones including the Met and the Museum of Natural History are pay what you wish, and despite the steep looking *suggested donation* no one will judge you for paying for a ticket with a few bucks instead.

    4. Turnip Truck +3

      * The Met is pay-what-you-will, despite the posted admission price. Obviously you will have to work out what you are willing to pay.

      * Also, through December of this year, a NYC municipal ID comes with free membership to a ton of institutions:
      http://www1.nyc.gov/site/idnyc/benefits/museums-a…

      * Most working art galleries are free to stop into during the workday, so if you want to, you can go all around Chelsea peeking at things. (Requires a slight degree of gumption.)

      * You may be in time to catch the last of the free outdoor showings of the Met (Opera this time) in HD:
      https://www.metopera.org/About/Press-Releases/The…

      * Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge is still free, though the bikers can be a pain. Great views.

      * Getting around on your own two feet is free. This (slightly older) collection of suggested self-guided walks looks good: http://www.walkingoffthebigapple.com/p/nyc-self-g…

    5. jwhittz +1

      Not free but on the cheaper side ($40 is the highest price, most are less): lots of Broadway shows have pre-show lotteries that you can sign up for and occasionally win excellent cheap tickets to, plus there are standing room only tickets and rush tickets. Playbill keeps a pretty detailed list of policies.
      Seconding all the parks and museums mentioned! I like Brooklyn Bridge Park, because waterfront, but it can get a bit overrun with tourists.

      ETA: I’d be down with a toastie meetup but I definitely can’t take charge of planning it for the next few months!

    6. tragicallyludicrous +2

      This summer I went on the Staten Island Ferry with my Hungarian friends who had never been to New York, and it was great! You get a fantastic view of downtown and the Statue of Liberty.

    7. coloredlights +2

      My all-time favorite summer NYC activity is almost free. Take the ferry from lower Manhattan or Brooklyn Bridge Park to Governors Island! It’s $2 round trip, open every day, and once you get over there you can walk around old buildings from when it was an army and coast guard base, climb hills, lay in hammocks, and sit on a (fake) beach). All of those things are free. There’s also plenty of food/drinks for purchase from various establishments, and sometimes there are art exhibits. Bring some friends and a frisbee or soccer ball and there’s plenty of space to play.

      Also, I would be down for an NYC-Toast meetup, but I’m traveling a ton until mid-September and can barely keep track of myself.

  37. vmartinipie +2

    Louisville toasts!! I am going to your fair city for a wedding next weekend (oh my god my first wedding with my Dude also holy jeepers) and I’m not sure exactly how much time is going to be spent on non wedding things, but anyway please give me the can’t-miss bars, the tastiest coffee and breakfast, and the loveliest walks! Also I do not eat meat! Thanks in advance, I am REALLY EXCITED to visit such a cool city.

    1. fakegeekgrrrl +2

      WTF, how is this even legal???? I would think this definitely fits the category of “cruel and unusual” punishment.

  39. Kate Kane +3

    Cleveland / Lakewood OH Toasties:<b> I have two tickets to Burning River Roller Derby tomorrow night that I can’t use. Would anyone lime them? It looks like all I have to do is change the name of the person picking them up. Bout’s at 6pm at the Orr Ice Arena.

    2. Allpha7 +1

      I might! I just messaged a friend- If I get the ok, I’d be happy to take those off your hands! I’ll let you know in a few minutes, hopefully.

        1. Kate Kane +1

          Awesome, thank you! I felt super bad about not being able to use them. Email me at kanzenmei@yahoo and let me know what name I should change the will-call to.

          Don’t worry about payment, buy somebody a drink tonight or something 🙂

          1. Allpha7 +1

            Email sent! Yay!

            My friend said she was in, then asked what a roller derby bout was. I’m so excited to share this with her! Thank you!

          2. Kate Kane

            Email responded to! I’m out for the evening, but if you have a problem with the attachments on it, I will be back at a computer before tomorrow night.

    3. LaxMom +3

      i don’t want the tickets, I’m just responding to say hi to other Cleveland toasties!

      HI!

  40. sarah_jay +44

    Toasties!! <<hugs>>
    Prayers and good thoughts, please? I’m going to talk to my boss about a raise in a few hours and I’m trying really hard not to have a panic attack. We’re paying someone to do almost nothing, and I want his job (and salary). All this guy is doing is paying the firm’s bills. I’m handling most of his work, and the staff attorney has taken the rest, and I can’t make ends meet. I’ve worn my best cat eye liner and a raspberry red lippy for confidence, but I’m still a nervous blob, worried about having a full-blown panic attack.
    My expenses recently increased (rent increase, lost second income, quilt pattern sales fell off, neighbors are moving and now I have to cover internet all on my own, etc) and my income is still less than $17,000 gross annually, which isn’t enough. Yesterday I decided that laundry detergent is more important than deodorant, since I couldn’t afford to buy both. I want to be able to purchase fresh vegetables again.

    2. VaguelyDownward +6

      Good luck! It sure sounds like you deserve this raise and I hope your boss will see how amazing you are and agree!

    6. RoseCamelia +8

      You deserve a better pay rate. You are valuable and any employer not working to keep you happy is a fool. So the only question is: is your employer a fool?

      You have an excellent argument, in that position that does almost nothing and your being willing to take on those duties. You rock.

  41. Rachel8489 +10

    AHEM.

    To my fellow obsessives: The Hamilton cast recording is available for preorder!

    I repeat: The Hamilton cast recording, in all its 46-track glory, is available for preorder!

    You’re welcome.

      1. Rachel8489 +3

        I saw this Wednesday’s matinee, and Javilton was marvelous. I also saw it at the Public back in February. Knowing that the cast recording is coming (SEPTEMBER 25) is so important.

    3. mmsees +2

      !!! So exciting! My boyfriend and I got tickets for December and I am PUMPED already.

      1. Rachel8489 +1

        It is BRILLIANT. I would actually recommend waiting to listen to the cast recording until after you’ve seen it. This is one that’s worth experiencing entirely fresh.

  42. larocquen +6

    So I’ve been up since 5:40 with a screaming/teething toddler. Tell me something funny. PLEASE! I am begging you guys!!! Also, insurance companies are dicks and I’m waaaay over this 4 month journey to figure out why I feel like an 80 y/o woman instead of one who is 29. Funny things, please!!!

      1. larocquen +3

        Oh this made me laugh! THANK YOU!!!! And being that my husband’s drink of choice is bourbon, it’s sort of a miracle that we haven’t tried that…

    2. RoseCamelia +5

      Dip a q-tip in whiskey. Squeeze q-tip only slightly until it no longer drips. Apply to tender toddler gums. Not too often. Alcohol poisoning is real, and it’s weight-based, so babies are at greatest risk.

      I’m so sorry. I know some of what you’re going through. I’m not a parent, but have had the care of a few dozen teething toddlers. Wishing you a sleeping munchkin and better health care for yourself.

        1. RoseCamelia +3

          Yes, it is now. 20 years in child care and many encounters with the very common whiskey-on-sore-gums misled me. It’s a fault of mine, taking things too literally. My bad. Please forgive me?

          1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

            Haha, of course! I feared that my sarcasm had finally become so severe that it was dangerously undetectable 🙂

  43. lady_bane +7

    I am here for the Open Thread early enough to post something on the first page! But I don’t know what to talk about D:

    Uhhhhh… I made some Minecraft skins last night. I’m very proud of how they turned out. I dabbled in pixel art a bit during my Neopets days, so this is just the 3D continuation of that. Anybody want a Minecraft skin?

    In related news, I still do not have a job.

      1. lady_bane +2

        I made a whole separate blog for my Minecraft/Sims stuff, so here’s my skins!

        Each post has multiple skins in it, they just don’t all show up on the preview page. I’m trying to get that fixed…

        1. octopoda +1

          Those look great! I tried making some once, and it is a lot harder than you would think given the limited area / size.

  44. 1sic1 +26

    Toastrons! I come bearing Ask a Manager’s Worst Intern Stories.

    Gasp at their slackitude! Marvel at their wardrobes! Bask in a glow of self-satisfaction while remembering your own comparatively modest workplace misdeeds!

  45. perianwen +1

    Supersmart Toasties, I need some recommendations if you have ’em. I would rilly rilly like to read a book or some thesis papers or absolutely anything that talks about racism in England after abolition and post-Civil-War America (as well as how it manifests now in both countries). I need to read what smarter-people-than-me have said about it. Any starting points at all would be grand.

    1. katenepveu +3

      _Staying Power: The History of Black People in Britain_ is a giant tome that was recommended widely when I needed something, and I found it useful.

  46. SarcasticFringehead +26

    I found a roommate! She’s from the internet, which I’m a lot less skeptical about than most of the people I talk to, mostly because I’ve met a lot of internet people and even had them stay at my house a couple times and nobody got even a little bit ax murdered. We have similar but not identical tastes in movies & music, and we both want to live with someone we’re friendly with but not necessarily be bffs who hang out 24/7. And she has a cat, which means I get a pet with much less responsibility. Now I just have to deal with the disproportionate anxiety I’m feeling over sharing space with someone (doing exactly what I wanted when I wanted at home was a big part of getting over my divorce, so it’ll be a challenge), but it will help to remember that I’m not paying $1200/month in rent.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +9

        I actually never even ended up putting up a post of my own – I was just browsing the “looking for housing” section on Craigslist and found her post. And now I’ll be able to contribute to cat threads, probably!

    3. Allpha7 +6

      I found roommates off of the internet once, and I didn’t get murdered. You can too!

      It’ll be no time at all before you both work out your comfort levels around each other. Congrats on not paying so much in rent!

      1. SarcasticFringehead +8

        Yeah, that whole attitude about internet people being suspicious is getting really outdated. Internet use is so widespread that the normals far outnumber the creeps at this point (although the creeps still make a lot more noise). It’s mostly that I don’t entirely trust my ability to judge whether people are going to be terrible, but that’s the case no matter where I meet someone. And the company that manages my apartment requires a credit check, at least, so between that and my gut, I’m pretty optimistic (not that good credit = good person by any means, but at least she’s got a consistent history of paying rent).

        1. dyingofthatroar +1

          I too have had many roommates and landlords off the internet — where I am at the moment (only a 1-month sublet) I even broke the cardinal rule and didn’t visit the place or meet in person before I handed over money! — and I am still totally alive and fine. In the old days people used to get roommates via newspapers, which is basically the same. My mum aged 22 moved into a flat in London with 4 other people via a newspaper ad and lived there for a year — and they still keep in sporadic contact. My parents even stayed with one of the flatmates who moved back to New Zealand, when they did a grand Australasian tour.

    4. mmsees +2

      I have had 7 roommates from craigslist in the past 2 years and they’ve all been pretty solid people and roommates, at least as far as that goes. Good luck!

    5. Mrs_Peel +1

      I once rented a place with two guys I’d never met before, and they were awesome and great roommates and everything worked out well. Best of luck!

  47. sausagedog +23

    I took a wood turning class this weekend! It was amazing, I loved it, and now I want a mini-lathe but even if I could drop $$ on the mini-lathe right now, the cutting tools are also expensive, and also I live in a teeny apartment with wall-to-wall carpeting, which is not ideal for woodworking. Oh well.

    The coolest thing about the class was that I was expecting it to be mainly dudes, but of the 5 students, 3 were women, and also the instructor was a woman! Around my age, too! Pretty cool.

    Pictures of the finished product in a comment!

    1. sausagedog +20

      The main rolling pin–fixed handles, walnut and cherry

      A pin I made with some extra time at the end of class out of yellow birch

      2. sarah_jay +1

        Those are beautiful! I love wooden rolling pins, and probably have too many already (I think I have 4?) In my someday house I’d love to have hooks to hang them (and my jello molds) on the wall

        1. sausagedog +1

          That would be great– one of my aunts mounted all her decorative jello molds around the perimeter of her kitchen, I always loved looking a them when I visited.

    2. tabwootwo +1

      I loved woodworking in college. Turning is the thing that most surprised me because you need SUPER SECRET STRENGTH in muscles you didn’t know about before!

    3. SmrtCookie +1

      Beautiful! I loved shop class but I haven’t done anything similiar in a long time. Maybe I should!

      1. sausagedog +1

        I totally recommend it! Wood turning is nice because there isn’t a lot of setup or waiting time, you can really start and finish a project in a weekend

  48. plspassthePinot +5

    LADIES HOW DO YOU BUY A HOUSE HOW DOES IT WORK IM TRYING RIGHT NOW #ADULTING WTF?! AHHH

    1. sarah_jay +2

      I want to buy a house SO BAD, but have no money to do it. Best of luck with the (crazy) process!

    2. houblonchouffe +2

      Don’t panic! I promise!

      Where are you in the process? Pre-approval? Found a to-die-for place? Down payment burning a hole in your savings account?

      1. plspassthePinot +4

        We were just pre-approved! For an amount that will allow us to have a livable place where we wont be murdered (but still a fking LOT of money omg we’re going to have a loan out for SO MUCH MONEY)… we’re looking at our 1st properties this wkd?

        I have Qs about the actual process, because dont homes sell for under market rate like cars (ive heard?) But when you live in a competitive market you might get out bid? And there is some process w inspections? And closing fees? And OMG then you have a HOUSE.

        1. houblonchouffe +9

          We bought in a relatively competitive market and I can kind of only speak for how our purchase went, so with those caveats:

          FIND A BUYER’S AGENT RIGHT NOW. There’s no way we could have done it without our buyer’s agent. If you don’t hit it off with someone pretty quickly, find a different one. Make sure they’re a proper realtor and associated with an office that has wide connections. Ours was able to call in favors, he knew all the right title companies and appraisers and inspectors, and was basically a godsend.

          Once we got pre-approved we found a house almost right away. It had sat on the market for quite a while, so our opening offer was quite a lot lower than asking price. They were so thrilled to get anything like a reasonable offer that they accepted it no questions asked. During the inspection, it became extremely apparent that the reason it hadn’t sold was due to its serious foundation damage, so with our realtor’s support and advice (he was there during the inspection; we lived three hours away and were not) we pulled our offer. Best $300 we ever spent. Lesson: Never-but-never skip the inspection.

          Back to the drawing board, then. We stumbled across a listing that wasn’t even technically listed yet, MrChouffe drove like a madman to look at the place, and on our realtor’s advice, he made an offer at full asking price that came in about two hours before the next offer. They’d already accepted ours because they were desperate to sell as fast as they could, and the house’s location meant they didn’t have to set the asking price at all below appraisal in order to make that happen. It could have easily turned into a bidding war but somehow didn’t. And we never ever met the sellers or communicated directly with them: our realtors did everything.

          The inspection came back with some minor issues, so we renegotiated the price down a couple thousand dollars, enough to fix the things that needed fixing. No problem, they agreed to it right away. The appraisal supported the purchase price, and then it was all bank and mortgage hoops until closing. Closing costs will often get covered either by the seller or as part of your financing, so don’t worry about that so much. Closing takes forever and you have to sign everything in the world but at the end of it they give you a key and maybe some fizzy wine and then you have a HOUSE.

          1. plspassthePinot +4

            This is so helpful. Like, SO MUCH ACTUALLY. Great realtors are the key! They handle these things for you! That’s why they are hired to begin w!

            Also INSPECT EVERYTHING– check.

            Thanks again!!

          2. BessieMaeMucho

            I’m planning to buy sometime next year in a semi-competitive market (Durham, NC), and I’ve been reading some very useful guides, particularly Eric Tyson’s For Dummies title on home-buying. Good luck!

          4. cosetthetable +2

            FIND A BUYER’S AGENT RIGHT NOW.

            This thing, right here. I entertained the idea of buying a house for a VERY short moment, and so this is the ONLY advice I have, but, YES YES YES.

            Some people don’t get buyers agent under the theory that if they do all the leg work, they think they will save money in the long term. This is silly– a good buyer’s agent will be much better at that leg work, and will save you from all sorts of dumb mistakes, and make all sorts of things easier. But even if that weren’t true, most contracts set aside a certain % of money for the agents, and if there isn’t a buyer’s agent, then the seller’s agent gets what the buyer’s agent would have gotten. Thus NO MONEY ACTUALLY GETS SAVED.

    3. leslieellenjones +3

      A good place to start is looking at sites like Zillow, etc., and looking at prices in your area, and check the tabs where they lay out how much the place is going to cost–not only mortgage, but taxes, HOA dues if any, and get a sense of what you think you can afford. Then start asking people you know who have recently bought a place if they can recommend an agent. You can also go to open houses and chat with the agents there–if you like them, tell them you’re looking for an agent. The agent should then be able to give you guidance about getting prequalified for a mortgage so that if you see a place you like, you’ve got some cred when you make your offer that you can afford it. Educating yourself as to what’s on the market and finding a sympatico agent are the best first steps. The agent’s _job_ is to make it as easy as possible for you.

    4. BourneApprox +9

      Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Back the fuck up.

      YOU CAN BUY HOUSES NOW?

      (Sorry, this isn’t a very helpful comment! Sympathies on terror over adult life, though!!!)

      1. plspassthePinot +2

        Will take literally all advice, no piece too small. How do I know I found a good realtor? Are there key words? A gleam in her eye?

        1. fenixdawn +5

          I knew my realtor was for me was when she said “I don’t believe in pressuring people.” OK, SOLD. The other thing to look for is somebody who knows your particular area really well (especially important if you aren’t super familiar with that area yourself).

        2. SmrtCookie +2

          Get recommendations! If any of your friends/coworkers have bought or sold a house I’m sure they can give you a run down on their realtor. Going to open houses in your price range, even before you’re ready to start looking, is a great way to get a feel for agents and see if they’re too pushy, too snooty, or too disinterested. You can also see which realtors are doing open houses in your price range vs. which ones are pawning them off on more junior agents. If the listing agent isn’t doing the open house you probably don’t want them (too busy and/or not interested in putting in time at your price point) or the person who’s doing the open house for them (too inexperienced and/or too bad at their job to keep clients). Of course disregard if you click with someone!

        3. malloryelis +4

          ok so I found my realtor because my parents had recently sold their house and their realtor recommended someone in my area. She was great! What I liked about her is that she listened well, was very low-pressure, and was happy to help me take my time as I found something that worked for me. I live in a pretty expensive area, and I’m pretty sure I was one of her least important clients (most houses in the East Bay are selling for half a million or more now, it feels like) but she never made me feel like I was less of a priority just because I had a lower price range.

    6. chiaroscuromom +8

      I’ll go with some things that have already been said.

      You need a Buyer’s Agent. Someone you trust. Someone with experience who knows what they are doing. This is not the time to work with someone who is figuring this thing out as they go along. A good agent can advise you about your market and how much to offer and all of that.

      What sort of a floor plan do you want, or know you do not want? Will you have pets in this house? Will you have small children in this house? Is this house set up for the type of living you want to do in it? Ask your agent if there is anything “wrong” with your intended house that would make it difficult to sell later if you decide you want/need to do that.

      Don’t spend all the money the bank says you qualify for. If all of your housing expenses (mortgage, property tax, HOA) come in at 25% or less of your take-home pay, that is seriously seriously the best way to do it. Also – things will happen when you own a house. A window will get broken or a hot water heater will need to be replaced 3 times in 15 years because you have really hard water, or you’ll have some minor damage in a windstorm that needs to be fixed but isn’t worth running through your insurance. If your budget is stretched to the max just paying your mortgage payment, you won’t have extra set aside for these little emergencies and it will be more stressful than it needs to be.

      Don’t fall in love with a house until you own it – like the Chouffes you need to be able to walk away if the inspection turns up something awful.

      Be prepared to look at lots and lots of houses, especially if you don’t have a specific floor plan in mind. If you DO have a specific floor plan in mind, be prepared to look at lots of houses anyway, and be willing to change your mind.

      GOOD LUCK! I like owning my house, but I have a bigger house than I’ll need after my kids are off to college in 5 years, so I’m starting to look at downsizing. No big actions, but starting to look to see what is available in a smaller footprint, do I want a small house or a condo, etc.

      1. houblonchouffe +5

        What sort of a floor plan do you want, or know you do not want? Will you have pets in this house? Will you have small children in this house? Is this house set up for the type of living you want to do in it? Ask your agent if there is anything “wrong” with your intended house that would make it difficult to sell later if you decide you want/need to do that.

        When we first started looking for a home, we told Steve (our heartbreakingly wonderful agent) that we wanted a) a Victorian-style home, b) not too huge, c) with a fireplace, d) that was walking distance from downtown. And we looked a a whole lot of them! And then every so often he’d throw something completely different at us: a half-finished super-modern lofted glass-fronted house twenty minutes away, for instance. And we ended up buying a way too big mid-century modern home that’s about a ten-minute drive from downtown (it does, however, have a fireplace).

        tl;dr Yes, have some things in mind, but don’t strictly limit yourself to them. We worked with Steve for long enough that he had a really good idea of what we’d go for or not.

        Ask your agent if there is anything “wrong” with your intended house that would make it difficult to sell later if you decide you want/need to do that.

        One house that we looked at and seriously, seriously considered buying was a very cool, interestingly laid-out place that was pretty appealing, and as soon as we got in the car, Steve said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t buy that place.” He proceeded to list out its faults (on a very busy main road, basically in an industrial district, with a yard that faced a factory on one side and an unkempt mobile home park on the other) and then asked us why we thought it was listed for such a low price. We looked at one house that was just… it was dark, way darker than it should have been and I can’t tell you why. We skedaddled so fast, even though it met 99% of our wants.

        Every time we’d leave a walk-through, Steve would look at us and ask whether it felt like home. I think that’s the most important thing he ever said to us. Some of the places did, but most didn’t, and it helped to narrow the field.

        1. plspassthePinot +3

          Thank you!!! Life partner is not-that-low-key afraid we’ll pick someplace with a ghost

      2. plspassthePinot +1

        Ooo what do you think about condos? I’m in DC, so there’s a strong renters market that can he useful going fwd if we decide to move. Plus I like the security / not worrying about landscaping? But also– #space #freedom Hmm…

    7. fenixdawn +4

      Seconding what folks are saying about the inspection. SO IMPORTANT. It may hurt to spend the money, but it is absolutely worth it in every way.

      And DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH A HOUSE UNTIL IT HAS BEEN INSPECTED. My experience was quite similar to houblonchouffe. We were looking in an incredibly competitive market, and fell in love with a house that later turned out to have a porch that was falling down (and the house was structurally dependent on the porch, which turns out was a verryyyyyy bad idea). So anyway, try not to get attached until all is said and done, because things can fall apart at many stages.

      Basically, it is a good idea to steel yourself, because a lot can go wrong, and it can take multiple bids, multiple houses, etc. etc. to get something to go through. My best advice (actually discussed on the Toast a few months ago) is not to think of house-shopping as looking for THE ONE. You’ll make it the one by living there and loving it, and the more I remembered that, the less stressed I was about picking THE PERFECT HOUSE.

      GOOD LUCK!! It is a stressful and difficult process but at the end of the day, you don’t have to share walls with anybody and that is the greatest!!

      Good luck! It can be a tough and frustrating process.

      1. Mrs_Peel +3

        My mom almost bought a house a few years ago that we both thought was wonderful (a little Victorian cottage with all kinds of charming details, originally built for Erie Canal workers).

        Fortunately, she did insist on an inspection, and it turned out that someone had cut through the central support beam of the house and the whole thing could’ve basically collapsed at any time.

        “not to think of house-shopping as looking for THE ONE”

        Also good dating advice, I think! 🙂

    8. mmejoy +3

      Since we’re talking about this, I am going to wander in and ask my own question (but good luck, Pinot! And thank you for starting this conversation!). Here is my question –

      20% down? Really? Because I can easily afford a mortgage & etc. on houses that I won’t have 20% down for until my kid is in high school (read: a long time from now).

      1. SmrtCookie +2

        Private mortgage insurance is a thing! You can put less down (I think down to 5%) if you pay pmi. It’s complicated, talk to a lender, but essentially you’ll have a higher monthly payment for the first however long but that extra money will go to insuring your mortgage, it won’t actually go toward your mortgage and you won’t get it back. So it’s not ideal but because you’re paying money and not building equity but you also don’t have to have 20% (plus closing costs) saved up.

    9. SmrtCookie +5

      Mostly everyone else has said my advice but I’ll echo a few. Good buyer’s agent for sure. The sellers pay their commission so there’s no reason not to have one. A good agent won’t make you sign an exclusivity agreement until you write an offer so if an agent shows you a couple houses and you don’t mesh with them get a new agent, no questions asked. A good agent can also tell you about the market you’re buying in, recommend inspectors, and all kinds of super useful and important stuff so it’s crucial to find one you trust. Talk to your lender about estimated closing costs and monthly payment. They’ll be able to mock up a hypothetical for you. Closing costs are expensive, in some markets you can ask the sellers to chip in but not in all markets. Remember that your monthly payment will be mortgage+pmi (if applicable)+taxes+insurance. Take a look at both of those estimates and decide what you’re realistically comfortable paying, not what the bank tells you you can pay. Don’t look at houses out of your price range. Just don’t, it’s sad. As far as finding houses to look at your realtor can set you up with a multi-list portal of some kind so you can get emails as soon as houses come on the market. You can also check out websites- I like realtor.com because trulia and zillow seem to have a lot of houses that aren’t actually on the market. Make sure you check the status on a house- obviously pending means it’s not available but so does contingent in most markets. Lastly spend a lot of time driving around. Drive around potential neighborhoods at different times of day and on different days of the week. Get out of your car and take a walk through the neighborhood.

      Sometimes buying a house takes ages, sometimes it takes no time at all. And once you find a house you like it can move incredibly quickly so take the time upfront to do as much homework as possible. Also know that there are a million different things that can go wrong so that chances that one of them will happen to you are high. (My mom has been a realtor for 25 years and I just bought a house, I’ve seen it all!) A good agent, a good lender, and a little flexibility and you’ll be fine!

    10. Absotively +5

      See if there are any free courses in house-buying near you. I went to one that was run by some branch of the local realtor’s association and CMHC and the municipal housing people, and it was super helpful. It was a couple of free workshop/lecture things, one on a weekday evening and one on a Saturday, and they went through everything involved in house-buying and had a realtor and a mortgage broker and a lawyer and a home inspector come in and explain various things to us. They also had a down payment assistance program where you could get a few thousand dollars by meeting some fairly simple requirements, one of which was taking the course.

    11. testingwithfire +4

      If you’re looking to move to the Massachusetts North Shore, my house is on the market. 🙂

    12. Mrs_Peel +1

      I will second everyone else saying NEVER NEVER NEVER buy a house without having an inspection done first.

      Even if you live in a competitive market, you don’t want to end up with a money-pit with major structural problems. It may take longer to find sellers who will accept an offer contingent on inspection, but I would hold out for it.

      (Also, I highly suggest moving to upstate New York! Everything’s cheap here).

    13. Mrs_Peel +2

      Also, some cities also have assistance programs to help with down payments, closing costs, etc., for first-time homebuyers. Worth looking into.

      Some neighborhood groups/ non-profits also offer low-interest loans for repairs or rehabbing, if you buy a place that needs some work. (We have a local neighborhood group that offers this, and a relative of mine got a $10K loan through them to replace their roof and install new windows).

  49. paperbgprincess +6

    I want to do something nice and not-in-the-house for myself tonight. Should I:

    a) take myself to a movie? Probably Trainwreck.

    b) take myself out to a nice dinner? What should I eat?

    c) something else I haven’t thought of?

    1. Theo_Winterwood +3

      I was actually thinking about doing (a) for myself tonight. I’ve been considering that since it came out, so maybe tonight’s the night that I actually do and take myself to the movies . . .

      (Full disclosure: I think I want to do something not-in-the-house because I’m still unpacking my apartment and I’m tired of dealing with Treacherous Box City.)

      1. paperbgprincess +3

        You should do it! I do not blame you for wanting to escape Box City. My room is kind of Laundry City right now. :/

        1. Theo_Winterwood +7

          Well, to be fair, my room is also kind of Laundry City because Box City is blocking access to the dressers . . .   🙂
           
          (I’m pretty sure this apartment has a floor. I think.)

      2. LaxMom +4

        I’m going to a mixer at the art museum. Food, booze, open galleries, live band. Plus adult sophisticated credit!

    2. Passing_Strange +5

      My go-to is taking myself to a pub and sitting at the bar with a beer and a book. But your choices both sound nice! Enjoy!

      1. paperbgprincess +3

        I used to do that all time! All the pubs in my current neighborhood are too poorly lit. I guess I could go back to my old haunts though.

    3. tabwootwo +1

      If it’s something you can afford for yourself, dinner and a movie! If not, go see Trainwreck and bring yourself a nice little treat to eat in the theater. It’s so good.

  50. heartstillatwar +14

    IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! And I am at work, because for some reason I felt guilty for taking off. And I don’t even get office cake, because I am the person who organizes the office cakes. BUT! My boss gave me perfume and chocolates and tonight my mom is making her amazing crabcakes for me and I will cuddle with my new kittens! (PS – how do I post pictures again?) And payday is today and it’s my ‘mainly disposable income’ paycheck so I’m trying to figure out what my present to myself will be.

    1. octopoda +2

      Happy birthday!

      You can post imgs using html: < img src=”imageurl.jpg” / > (remove the spaces inbetween the brackets)

    1. gloriana232 +45

      unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh

      how did i go from “channing tatum is a dumb bro who cares” to “channers taters is my platonic ideal of men”

  52. Goomaly +18

    TOASTS

    I MISS YOU

    However I am spending all day prepping for a meeting with administration, who I suspect is investigating to see who is expendable. (That’s my cynical interpretation but I am also VERY CERTAIN it is a true interpretation.)

    But before I go, who wants a Skype tarot reading! It’s fun and free for Toasts because I love you and also I’m not confident enough to charging yet! lol

    Email me dangerflakes at hotmail if you want to do some woo with me.

    Meanwhile you are all gorgeous and amazing and lovable and fantastic creatures! DON’T YOU FUCKING FORGET IT! Unless you are just feeling forgetful, which I totally understand, and maybe you can write it on your arm for later.

    1. RoseCamelia +2

      Best wishes for a good meeting. Only a fool would consider you expendable. You administrators aren’t fools, are they?

    2. t_fer +2

      Yes! Testimonial for Goomaly: she read my cards yesterday and was charming and compassionate and did a really good job. Y’all should do this, toasties! Get your reading on!

  53. gloriana232 +30

    *runs in panting* Dating thread!

    I rolled my eyes at a few men this week in my OKC messages. It was gooood. One guy rated my pun numerically (7.5/10? WHAT?) and one guy seemed to make a lot of presumptions on my end and enjoyed listening to himself. He asked why, in my opinion, I think I’m still single. Mm wow what a fun topic that is in all the topics of the world

    I’m also starting to get a couple of Tinder messages! We talked about peg leg flasks yesterday, and mysteriously, when I said “well, strap a peg on”, he didn’t respond. I’m mystified.

    I sent a message to a guy on OKC whose profile I really liked, he visited my profile a few times, and then a couple of days later, I sent another message, and he visited one more time. No message. So, oh well. I was stressed about “losing my chill” but what have I got to lose? NADA.

    1. fleurdelivre87 +16

      Let’s all stop pretending “chill” is anything but making yourself detached and numb! Who needs that?!

      Also, my own contribution to dating thread:

      I went to a wedding last weekend with a dude that I used to have a thing with (we made the plans back when we were stupid attracted to each other! ugh!) and I know I had a great time and I think he did too…even just sitting in the airport together was fun and felt nice. But now idk how to get him out of my head again? He says I like him more than he likes me and I know we are adults and I have to believe him, but my heart really REALLY doesn’t. My head, however, has been screaming, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just date me already!” for like a week now. 🙁

      1. gloriana232 +10

        Mm, in my experience, when somebody says “you like me more than I like you”, that’s pretty much “I don’t like you enough for [whatever].” 🙁

        I’d go with trying to focus on anything else — going out with your friends, doing something new like a hobby or workshop, something that is fun/fulfilling/meaningful to you! If there’s something you’ve been meaning to do, do it now — take up jogging, going for a hike in the city, something. No matter what, you’ll have done something you wanted and you’ll feel good about that.

        Good luck!

      2. mkmorrow +11

        I have a very similar issue, so will be avidly watching this space for tips on getting over it when you really need to.

        Here’s my sad story: I have a sort of datey-but-maybe-more-FWB relationship. I like him, it’s super fun to hang out with him. He’s wildly unavailable but turns up every month or two and we have drinks, a great conversation, and sex. We Were supposed to go out last Saturday (he picked the day) but instead he went out with his buddies and got stoned and didn’t even think to tell me until I texted him at 5 to find out if he wanted dinner as well as drinks. He sent me an apology on Wednesday, but it was definitely “I’m sorry you are upset” not “I’m sorry I was a jerk.”

        I’ve got to give up on him. I’ve spent the week telling myself “I’m Lletting go” everytime I catch myself thinking about him (and fantasizing about the moment when he realizes I’m FANTASTIC and he’s an IDIOT). Then I make a conscious effort to think about something else. The downside is that I have started new craft projects, but the upside is that I made myself a fabulous caftan and am going on a weekend overnighter to visit friends.

        1. Alluvial_Fan +4

          Doesn’t sound like FWB with this guy is for you.

          Crafts are a great way to fill your head with other stuff, anything to keep your hands busy. I also recommend tedious household chores and maintenance, like re-grouting your tub. Not hard, but requires focus and patience, plus shiny new grout. Have a room to repaint or furniture to rearrange? Anything that A) keeps you and B) results in something for you will help.

          Sometimes flirting wildly with strangers also helps, but that’s not for everyone.

        3. Armaniburger +2

          Oh man, I’m in this situation with My Guy too. My head’s ok with it, but the rest of me is like “Why doesn’t he realize how awesome I am and how much I like him???”

          It’s a hard situation to be in, and I hope it works out for you. Be gentle to yourself and remember that you deserve so much better.

    2. Girl Named Jack +16

      I had two OKC dates! One that was great and sexy and fun and involved the doffing of pants, and one that was just meh, but not uncomfortably so. And I’ve got a new-friend-date with A Lady lined up for Monday. So I’m calling it a successful week.

    3. merrite +20

      I had my very first tinder date! He was intensely boring, so boring that I had to drink more than I originally intended, just to stay docile. He kept talking about the ~film~ he’s making with his friend and how it’s ~so hard to get distribution because it’s 2+ hours and so Not Hollywood~. He was also very negative about everything, and apparently NYC is too intense and mean for his liking.

      Also I had to explain to him where West Virginia is. In proximity to Virginia. He’s American, he knows the states. There is no excusing how bizarrely dumb that was.

      1. fakely_mctest +18

        ~Film dudes are the WOOOOORST. Whether they make ’em or are just super into ’em. I can basically predict which directors they will have heard of/think are amazing (it is THE SAME THING because clearly if they haven’t heard of a director then that director isn’t amazing). Occasionally I will amuse myself by asking if they like Jan Švankmajer or Chris Eyre or Suzi Yoonessi or something. Other times I’m just like: Stanley Kubrick is super boring and Scorsese never heard the phrase “less is more,” COME AT ME.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +16

          Ugh, a friend of mine was telling me about a date she went on with a “filmmaker” who was making a movie about a guy who “just never really felt like he fit in, you know?” and I really need a jerk-off-motion emoji to accurately express both of our responses (which were to make a jerk-off motion).

          2. gloriana232 +7

            Oh, God, I miss Broad City so much.

            PS A friend of mine is moving into my building and as part of her housewarming, I have a Bed Bath and Beyond 20% coupon saved for her, haha.

          4. CleverManka +8

            And ALSO, I keep forgetting to mention, your username makes me smile. Nature is so weird, but sometimes what we call it is even weirder.

          5. SarcasticFringehead +3

            Right? We try to front like we’re all objective and scientific, but look at the names we come up with for these things.

        2. notebook-keeper +23

          I once watched this OKC dude’s interest in me die when I said I had never seen the Godfather and had no interest in ever doing so.

          1. fakely_mctest +22

            Internet high five for non-Godfather watchers. I just…have no interest in gangster films or westerns as a genre as they are incredibly dude heavy and also often celebrate life values that I find 100% alien and/or off-putting. And I know that there are some that subvert the genre and whatnot, but to do that they still enact the genre and I just don’t care enough about performative anxious masculinity to sit through that.

            Like, I have seen Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but that was 10000% to look at prime Newman/Redford and even then I was like, “Boy would I rather be watching The Sting right now.”

            My best indignant online dating moment was when I walked out of a date with a guy who would not stop trying to talk about Roman Polanski despite me explicitly asking that we not talk about Roman Polanski because he’s a garbage human. This was also after I tried to talk about anything other than movies with this dude because I knew he was just going to blither on and on about the same 3 directors dudes of that ilk always idolize. Apparently the shot of the cream in Travis Bickle’s coffee is held for “the perfect amount of time.” I used that as a segue to point out that art is subjective since, for example, I find Kubrick slow and boring. He didn’t use the word “philistine,” but he was sure thinking it loudly.

          2. notebook-keeper +13

            Yessss. I kind of love watching OKC date’s faces when I say I hate Woody Allen movies, for example. I’m just…not really interested in the white dude canon. See also: talking about Game of Thrones and then mentioning that Sansa is my favorite character. #thisiswhyImsingle

            I love that you actually walked out!! I have often thought about it but need to do it sometime.

          4. fakely_mctest +11

            I could just feel myself getting more and more angry. Like it was an actual pressure building up behind my face and I KNEW that I was going to say something swear-y if I stuck around much longer. And there was also no chance that I would ever want to see this person again.

            I mean, I once told a guy to go fuck himself sideways because he was complaining about how people in my city were so rude and I was like, oh that hasn’t been my experience and he straight up said that was because I’m a “girl.” So I…uh…know that my tolerance for dick-centered BS from strangers is pretty low.

          5. notebook-keeper +23

            I have gone on so many dates where the guy just spends the whole time complaining how much he hates where we live. You don’t have to live here, you know! You can move! It’s allowed!

            I think at the end of one of them I told the guy, “I hope you move away soon!”

          6. cosetthetable +7

            I don’t understand why people think trashing the place they currently live– to someone else who lives there– is a good opening gambit. There are a number of problems with the metro area in which I live, and there are plenty of gripes and criticisms and good reasons for some people to move away.

            But for the moment, I’m living here, I’m choosing to live here, and if you are bitching about not just one or two things, but about HOW TERRIBLE THIS PLACE IS, well, what does that say about me? Isn’t it a pretty good indication you don’t think much about my basic life choices? Isn’t it incredibly egotistical to say “this place is bad for me, so it is a bad place”? If you hate somewhere that much, and you don’t have some damn good reasons to stay (ie, close family member that’s ill), and you’re not working on moving away, doesn’t that say something bad about YOUR basic life choices?

            (….. this may have touched a raw nerve. Of the reasons I am glad a particular person is no longer in my life, this may be the least objectionable thing about her…. Wait, no. That’s not true. This was just one more example of the ways in which she privileged her experience of reality over others, and seemingly had little interest in exploring why others might have had a different experience.)

          7. Mrs_Peel +10

            I don’t know why people think that trashing *anything* (cities, exes, etc.) is a good date strategy. Nothing turns people on like relentless negativity!

          8. gentlehangovers +16

            I need to memorize this sentence ” I know that there are some that subvert the genre and whatnot, but to do that they still enact the genre and I just don’t care enough about performative anxious masculinity to sit through that. ”

            It was such a relief to just admit I didn’t like Taxi Driver. Yes, yes, I GET it but I do not like it. Applies to many similar movies.

          10. Hadrosaur +6

            I HATE The Godfather! The domestic violence in it is so upsetting. Also, it’s just not that good.

          11. fakely_mctest +15

            I feel really similarly about the Fellini movies I’ve watched. All the casual slapping that goes on in those movies makes me really upset.

            You know, I once talked to a guy who didn’t watch classic movies and I was kind of like “Whaaaaa? Like any?” and he said that, as an African American, there wasn’t anyone for HIM in them. That was a major lightbulb moment for me because that dude is totally right and I’d been feeling low level bad about not liking/having no interest in certain “must see” movies up until then, but that is fair and correct because art is subjective.

        3. Mrs_Peel +6

          “Stanley Kubrick is super boring and Scorsese never heard the phrase ‘less is more'”

          Let’s be friends, please

          1. fakely_mctest +4

            I could go on about “important” American directors from the 70s forever. So if that is relevant to your interests I am sure we will get along swimmingly!

    4. mmsees +10

      As I mentioned elsewhere in the thread my dude got tickets for Hamilton over Christmas break (we’re both from the NYC area but are living in the Bay Area now). This is super exciting because Hamilton and also makes sense because it’s selling out super fast (especially over the holidays), but I am freaking out a little (in a good way? a mostly good way) about making plans many months in advance. He’s been around since January and everything is smooth and easy and I’m very happy but my traitor brain is very good at piping up and saying “December is a long time from August you know…”

    5. fakely_mctest +19

      So I’m halfheartedly on OKC again after a tough breakup with a guy where we still love each other but his life circumstances/some other stuff is not in place currently.

      Went to a concert last Saturday (VERUCA SALT OMG) and met a guy: that’s good. It also never ever happens to me because I am a Concert Misanthrope and basically never talk to randos at concerts.
      Stayed over at his place: all is well.
      Planned for a date yesterday: okay let’s do this, especially as he made reservations (which the guys I date never do. Ugh I get so tired of planning sometimes. :c)
      Text Wednesday evening: “I’m a mess, my life is in a bad place. I can’t do this, I fucked up. Sorry.”

      I am going to dig a hole in the bottom of the sea and crawl into it. Perhaps!

      1. mkmorrow +14

        I’m so sorry that happened.

        The sea sounds like a great idea. I feel that’s how Ursula got started..

        1. fakely_mctest +5

          Thanks! I mean, I was able to channel the lingering emotional breakup numbness so that it didn’t bother me as much as it usually does (because this has happened before: is it me? Is it DC guys? Was he even telling the truth? My anxiety disorder says it’s ALWAYS me even though rationally I know it’s just the individual. Ugh.)

          I am going away to the sea for labor day weekend so maybe I can give that hole a start then.

          1. cosetthetable +5

            I have, in fact, heard bad things about DC guys.

            That said, that text doesn’t sound like something that someone who’s trying to let you down kindly sends. That sounds like a sort of depressed brutal honesty. I am also desperately curious about what the fuck he really means by that- Like, is he rebounding and thought he was okay to move on but can’t? Is he dealing with severe mental health/addiction/crime lord based stuff he doesn’t feel comfortable dragging someone into? Or is it some sort of imposter syndrome BS he needs to get over before he can successfully date someone????

            On one hand, taking people at their word and respecting their autonomy/experiences/consent is important. On the other, I sort of wonder if this dude is maybe in a temporary otherwise work-out-able freak out? Like, IF HE’S INTERESTING ENOUGH, and if you aren’t just totally done based on what’s already happened (and – please don’t me wrong- that would be very appropriate), maybe send him a text along the lines of “no hard feelings, hope things get better for you, let me know if things change”?

            (I’m just sitting here imagining him pacing around trying to avoid having a panic attack because he was really nervous about the date because he likes you a lot, and calling it off, and then regretting it immediately after. But I am, of course, being perhaps VERY overly optimistic.) (….. of course, the proposed text is low risk even if it turns out he’s Very Not Worth It.)

          2. fakely_mctest +2

            My best DC guy story: I was dating this guy who I sort-of liked. Like, we had good chemistry and the sex was excellent and he was really clearly into me, but I was holding myself in check emotionally because dude was not at all reliable. Also could not make plans for shit. He fully stood me up once because he was volunteering at the AIDS quilt on the Mall (great!) but then decided to go home to Virginia and take a nap after despite plans we had to meet up, fell asleep, and either slept through his alarm or hadn’t set one (less…great?). I asked him how he’d ever dated before because his planning skills were so godawful and he admitted that he’d just gone out with people who lived in whatever group house he was in or who lived on the same block.

            The last time I saw him he blurted out, “I love you” and then totally ghosted. A year or so later I got a text from him really late at night and wrote back something like: “I assume this is a drunk text. Hope you’re doing okay.”

            I’ll admit to googling the most recent dude because I was sort of curious if he was actually in a relationship and had lied about that or something obvious, but it doesn’t appear so. The text I sent him in response was: “I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but take care. If you ever want to hang out in a friendly way that would be great.” I then promptly deleted his number and expect that I will never hear from him again.

    6. PierrePoutine +19

      I’ve been dating a lovely woman with whom I have so little in common that Paula Abdul could have written Opposites Attract about us. It’s super refreshing and she is fun and cute and respectful and I really hope it works out…

    7. Joyous_ness +19

      I don’t love this online dating stuff but I do it because it’s what you do I guess. I have renewed my commitment to sending at least one message a week…very low bar I know.

      My roommate got an OKC message the other night along the lines of “Your pictures are really cute but you should make your profile more interesting” What? Who do you think you are dude?! I know the best policy is ignore/block but I spent a good long while planning revenge on her behalf. Surely I could make him see the error of his ways! I briefly considered getting as many ladies as I know and flooding his inbox with “I like your pictures but your profile makes you seem like a real d-bag.” Would that be harrassment? Anyway….ban men.

    8. solrius +9

      Nothing too exciting this week. I’m still messaging the guy on the MFA, in a “not too often but relatively lengthy” pattern. I’m thinking of maybe suggesting we meet up for some tea/cake in the not too distant future, though I’ve no idea if he’d be up for that. His messages really cheer me up when I get them though, which seems like a good sign for friendship at least, even if nothing romantic comes out of it.

      I also agreed to go for a drink with someone in a couple of weeks (he’s away at the moment.) Maybe slightly older than I’d usually think about, but he has the most stunningly beautiful eyes, and seems generally quite genuine and nice, so we’ll see.

      Also, marking conversations out of ten? Like, what? D:

    9. sarah_jay +9

      I haven’t had any messages worth responding to. At all. In the 8(ish) weeks I’ve been back on OKC. Yesterday’s post on The Butter was so accurate. I feel alone, and want to have someone to share life with, but I don’t think there’s anyone out there for me. I’m pretty specific in what I’m looking for, although my “list” isn’t too crazy. It has 4 things on it:
      1. Likes ME
      2. Is LDS (I am, and want that in a spouse)
      3. Has some kind of a career goal
      4. Isn’t creepy (which includes being age appropriate to my 30)

      I live in SLC, UT, and don’t think this should be so hard to find, but apparently it is. And since the other 3 are easy to find, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I’m ready to quit again.

      1. gloriana232 +6

        Of course, if you feel like it! I’ve never disabled or deleted my account yet, but I’ve certainly mentally/emotionally stepped back and only let messages come to me. That helped. I’ve done it just long enough (almost a year) that I recognize now for me, there are dry spells and sudden little waves. It’s very strange. I just try and remember there’s probably another little wave coming, but I don’t see it yet.

        Whenever I’ve felt something was “wrong” with me, I’ve taken a step back and thought about whether any of my friends or family or anyone currently who loves me thinks something’s wrong with me. Also, I remember how many people I’ve met who weren’t quite “right” for me, but they weren’t wrong either. Just not my fit.

        *hugs* (if you’re okay with that) Good luck!

    10. SmrtCookie +7

      Ugh, the OKC creepers have been out of control this week. I had a couple weeks of now weirdness and it’s like they knew that and had to make up for it.

      Has anyone tried the new okc setting where only people you like or message can see your profile? I haven’t played around with it yet, I have a feeling I’m not aggressive enough to use it and still get any message but it sure would take care of the weirdos.

    11. meetapossum +4

      I am so late! I was talking to two guys from OKC, and I made plans last Sunday with one of them. Then, suddenly on the same day, they both had family emergencies which caused them to leave NYC for a bit. (That sounds insane, but it’s legit.) Am I cursed??

      I went to a record store and had drinks with a guy from Hinge and it was…ok. He’s very nice and cute, but I’m not sure if it’s going to go anywhere. We may go out next week. It got really awkward at one point because my friend popped up and she is very LOUD and we had already moved over to share a table with strangers, and she finally realizes and YELLS, “OH YOU GUYS ARE ON A FIRST DATE???” and proceeds to ask my date what he does for a living. Later she texted me, “I like him! He has a good job!” as if that is a deciding factor for dating for me. I love her, but she is ridiculous sometimes.

      In the meantime I’ve been working out and actually finally cleaning my room and apartment, so I’m feeling better overall.

    12. Armaniburger +6

      Back in my OKC days a guy asked “Y U still single??”
      I replied, “Because I have zero tolerance for fools.”

      He never messaged me back, imagine that.

  54. jwhittz +5

    I’m looking forward to FINALLY being done with our NEA Grant Application saga (submitted for Art Works 1 in March but the system ate our application so we had to wait and apply during Art Works 2 and just…AAAAAAAAAAAGGGH), which I will absolutely be done with once our rep confirms that the application was actually received this time around. So I’ll just be here biting my fingernails until then.

    Oh oh oh oh ALSO I’m going to see Hamilton tonight! I saw it at the Public in February and now I’m bringing my husband to see it and I can’t wait until he UNDERSTANDS what the hell I’ve been fangirling over for the past 6 months.

      1. jwhittz +1

        Thanks! It’s for work so I’m not super-comfortable divulging lots of details, but it’s an annual festival that the NEA typically funds, we just had a super-frustrating computer issue this time around.

    2. Rachel8489 +2

      HAMILTON YAAAAAAAS. I saw Wednesday’s matinee and I also saw it at the Public in February and it is BETTER now. I swear, I didn’t think it was possible. The changes are pretty subtle, I didn’t even quite know what they had changed until I started reading reviews.

  55. Momthra +26

    I’m gonna quiiiiiiiit my joooooobbbbbbbbb! (Not yet, but soon.)

    A few weeks ago, things went totally off the rails in terms of office dynamics and my boss’s response (his real words) was “I think that’s the best you’re gonna get and you shouldn’t push for more.” So it’s clear that *I* am the bad fit here. Peace out, losers.

    2. w00bliette +5

      QUITTING IS THE BEST
      BURN THOSE FUCKERS

      (not something I would have said before I quit my previous job)

    3. allanaaa +3

      Belated sympathies on job-quitting. I got basically demoted yesterday, pushed from running my team to being “just one of.” So there goes the quality assurance! Peace out, losers!

    1. fakely_mctest +10

      As noted in last week’s thread, I wasn’t really expecting to hear back from the MPD at all, but yesterday I got a response email asking for more info (the phone number I used to call 911, date of the incident, address of the building). I wrote back with the info and included the following:

      “I appreciate your response. Please keep me apprised of the results of my report.

      I’d also ask that you please do not contact the woman who was the potential victim in this incident. If she hasn’t made an official complaint against the man then it isn’t anyone’s place to force her to do so. I wanted to bring my observations to the MPD’s attention because I strongly feel that, if the situation had been handled differently, there might have been a different outcome. It’s not my intention to make an unwilling potential victim file a complaint, only to potentially inform future interactions with others like her.”

      What’s my move now? If I don’t hear anything else from the MPD then I am considering writing to both the police chief and the head of the Sex Assault Unit. HOWEVER, I don’t want to push things too far and end up with the police badgering this woman, which I’m afraid might happen if I press too much.

      What do you guys think? I know, in the grand scheme of “how cops in DC deal with potential victims” this likely won’t make a difference either way, but I want to at least try to put my concerns in front of someone who might give half a shit.

      1. owlegg +6

        Is there an oversight board for the police department in DC? I think that your idea of writing to the police chief is a good one and I would consider writing to whoever oversees the police department as well.

      3. RoseCamelia +11

        You have the right idea. Any communication you have with law enforcement should always begin with some form of “do not contact victim!” and the reason for it. This is what you did in your reply to the MPD email. I admire you. You’re not only doing the right thing, you’re doing it so thoughtfully.

  57. Bothari +5

    I just got back from a 2,919-road trip (Kansas to Utah to Arkansas back to Kansas), and visited some problematic relatives along the way. My cousin was talking about taking her kids to a nearby zoo, and that the zoo was really nice but was kind of in a bad part of town. She started laughing and asked my aunt, “Mom, can I tell them what you said about it?” And I just calmly said “No.” She laughed again and said “yeah, probably not, it was pretty racial.” ARGH. I guess it’s a small step that they’ve gotten it through their heads that they shouldn’t say that stuff in front of me (the blue dot in a red family), but it makes me bonkers that they haven’t yet figured out that they shouldn’t say it AT ALL. Especially in front of my young, impressionable second cousins. Why is family so frustrating?

    1. CleverManka +2

      Ugh. *annoyed fistbump of frustrated solidarity*

      I got to call out my aunt when she used the R word during my visit a couple weeks ago. Her niece/my cousin has developmental issues. What part of inappropriate is not obvious, here?

      Also, welcome (?) back to Kansas.

      1. Bothari

        Go you! I feel like I could grit my teeth and bear it if it was just the aunts and uncles being awful at each other, but why must they teach this crap to the new generations? Especially if the new generation member is going to get her feelings hurt. Your poor niece!

        (I lived in Lawrence for 15ish years, and flew in to the teeny airport in Hays to road trip with my mom. I didn’t get to the eastern side of the state this trip, but I miss it!)

  58. bird_internet +3

    Anyone have tips for getting an apartment in a very competitive market? I’ve applied for a few in the past couple of weeks and been turned down on all of them– not because I have bad credit or anything, it’s just that the real estate situation around here is NUTS. It’s not an urgent rush to find anything since I’m renting month-to-month until I find a new place, but I just saw a listing for a place that looks like my dream apartment and oooh I want to get my name on that lease. I’m going to look at it tomorrow, but I’m sure I’ll be one of like, 30 prospective renters. Anything I can do/ say to get an edge?

    1. mmsees +3

      I don’t have any actual helpful tips, but just wanted to express sympathy for how much finding an apartment in a competitive market is AWFUL. Frankly from my experience it’s just a numbers game – you need to apply for a lot of places and eventually something works out. But that’s not really actionable or helpful advice. Best of luck!!

    2. paperbgprincess +13

      Show up prepared: have copies of your pay stubs/employment verification ready, a copy of a recent credit report if you have one, and your checkbook, even a pen and a clipboard to fill out an application on the spot. If you have your shit together, show up and say you love the place and have everything you need to sign the lease today, you’l be a really attractive candidate. Whatever makes the least work for the landlord.

      1. the_lovecats +1

        Seconding this comment – rental resume. It would be great to include a written reference too.

    3. RoseCamelia +3

      Streamline. Once you’ve seen an apartment in a given complex, start applying for every apartment available in that complex. This whole situation sucks. I’m sorry it’s so hard.

    4. maggiegrift +2

      Show up with a cheque and pay damage deposit on the spot… it’s helped for me in the past!

    5. loren_smith +3

      It’s a shitty situation! Are you in BC? I’ve had luck with going in my most “professional” clothes, having all info ready, including the ability to do a damage deposit on the spot. I’ve heard that actual cash can really help too, rather than a cheque, but haven’t had the gall to try it yet.

  59. keristars +7

    I never participate in the Open Thread because WORK UGH GROSS BUSY but I have a pressing question!

    My sister-in-law is having her gender reveal party next week (ugggggh gross i hate that whole fad) and it’s got me and one of my brothers thinking about future confusion with names, and I’d like to figure something out before the baby gets here.

    Question: what are alternate ways to call aunts/uncles that is potentially not gendered?

    Reasoning:
    1) I don’t really mind being called Auntie but I want to have a neutral term.
    2) When Brother #3 gets married next year, we will probably have TWO aunties with the same name, and that’s really confusing. Let’s say my birth name is Katherine. (It’s not.) I hate it and prefer to be called Keri (true). Most of my family still call me Katherine and occasionally Kate, but mostly the whole thing because I hate being called Kate or Katie or Kat. My pregnant sister-in-law switches between Katherine and Keri depending on context, but usually calls me Keri. Bro3’s girlfriend is ALSO Katherine, but she uses Kate most of the time. She switches between Katherine and Keri, too, but usually goes with Katherine.

    Bro3 is like “whoa, are we all going to have to get used to calling you Keri 100% of the time? because Kate is probably going to be Kate Stars when we marry, and having a new baby will help establish the name change” and I said “WAIT why do I have to be “Auntie Katherine” or “Aunt Keri” why can’t it be something else?”

    But neither of us could think of anything, and fat chance I’m talking to the rest of my family about this until I’ve got something in mind, because the fact that I hate my given name is something of a joke sometimes, and also my sil and stepmom tend to be very gender-essentialist and this whole wedding-then-baby thing this last year has given me social fatigue around them and anything that might be a TLC reality show topic.

    ALSO LOL that I call myself Keri Stars and my cousin on my dad’s side married someone who now has the name Keri Stars exactly the same, so either way I go, I’ll be sharing my name with a close in-law. this’ll be a nice boost to my attempts to hide from google 😀

    1. missmonicae +16

      Tell the kid what you want to be called, and then buy it ice cream. If it spends enough time with you, it’ll call you what you want to be called, and then the parents will have to refer to you as that so it can understand.

      1. keristars +2

        The trouble is that hasn’t worked yet, even though I introduce myself to everyone as Keri and have done for over a decade, and refer to myself as Keri all the time. I feel like having a baby around, they’ll continue to call me Aunt Katherine when the baby can hear, and then I’ll be stuck with it forever and we’ll have the confusion between me and SIL Katherine.

        My brother #3 and I came up with the idea of a different name entirely, or a different title, but I don’t know what other things people might use? Especially something gender neutral.

        My SIL is also being really intense about this, and made all the grandparents make lists of acceptable nicknames back at Father’s Day when she was only three months along. (My dad dug his heels in. “It can call me Jim, just like everyone else does” and SIL was not happy. He hated being called Daddy and such when we were kids, and I expect he lives in terror of Poppop or Geegaw or something.)

        1. missmonicae +3

          UGH. I’m so sorry. Have you tried not answering? That may cause more drama than it’s worth. 😛

        2. tabwootwo +11

          My nephew calls me Daniel Tiger (his fav cartoon) because it’s close to Danielle but way more fun. No one but the kid calls me this. I think you can totally go for this tactic- which will at least make one person on your side.

        3. spring chickens +1

          ugh, the new mother is being way too controlling! Babies make names up for people themselves, especially for their grandparents — ti’s kind of ick to try to plan it out in advance and force it.

          That said, my brother likes to vocally call me “Aunt X” around his kids, in part because it makes him feel good and in part because he wants to reinforce the relationship and make sure the kids fully get the relationship (and in part so they speak with respect/good manners, I think?). If your sib/in-law is like this, it may be out of your control. But I don’t know, even if it feels weird at first, it’s really not so bad being called “Auntie so-and-so”. It’s true, after all! And it clears up the confusion with strangers who mistake me for my niece and nephew’s mom all the time when I’m out with them, which is a little aggravating.

    2. houblonchouffe +4

      I’ve noticed that things sort of work themselves out in situations like this.

      My nieces and nephews have two Uncle Steves, one on their mom’s side and one on their dad’s. The one on our side was around the kids more, and when the oldest of them was tiny she couldn’t say “Steve” and he therefore became Uncle Beebee. One of my friends named her daughter after her sister, so the daughter/niece is Rachie and the sister/aunt is Aunt Gigi. I’m one of four with the exact same first and last name in the first-cousins level and we end up using middle initials or our dads’ names.

      1. keristars +2

        You’re right, I think, but my SIL is being so… intense over it, that I’d like to at least establish a preference early. I also have a history of not liking the names other people give me, and if I can pick something out to start with…

    3. Absotively +4

      One of you could be Aunt Keri and the other Auntie Keri. I have two aunts with the same name that my family distinguishes this way, and it’s not that confusing. Admittedly I don’t see either of them that often, but I think it would have been fine even if we did.

      Also: if you prefer Keri and Bro3 is willing to start consistently calling you Keri due to this, I say take advantage of that.

      I don’t know any gender-neutral terms for Aunt/Uncle, sorry.

      1. keristars +2

        Yes, my brother suggested Aunt vs. Auntie, but that’s where I said “wait, why not something more gender-neutral for me” – there’s loads of different things to call parents and grandparents, but what about the doting parent-sibling who will not be a parent but wants to spoil the niblings and spend lots of time with them? :/

        If I didn’t care about the kids, and didn’t live near my siblings, I’d be like “whatever”, but all the intense obsession of my SIL has started to hit me, and I’d like to have something in mind before she comes up with her own solution.

      2. the_lovecats +2

        This sounds similar to something in my family, which is calling one aunt Auntie Kerri and the other one Kerri Auntie. It’s weird, but it works.

    4. RoseCamelia +8

      I think there *should* be a gender-neutral alternative to aunt-uncle, but I got nothing. However, I think it would be awesome if you became something like Aunt Magic or Aunt Fun.

      1. keristars +10

        Yes! I’ve heard of the term “nibling” for niece/nephew and I love it and have already started referring to my siblings’ future children as my niblings.

    5. notebook-keeper +6

      I don’t think kids are confused when relatives have the same name! I have a big family and we have a couple doubles and everyone can figure it out.

      You can always add a short description in conversation if context doesn’t make it clear: Uncle Jack-who-lives-in-Michigan and Uncle Jack-who-lives-in-Florida, Kelly-your-mom’s-sister and Kelly-your-dad’s-sister, Amy-your-cousin-with-red-hair and Amy-your-cousin-with-brown-hair. I find it kind of funny that my grandpa’s dog shares a name with my cousin (the dog came with the name and they had too much difficulty changing it) so sometimes we have to clarify, for example, Bella-the-dog and Bella-the-girl…but no one had to change their name!

      Also, do you need a title? Growing up I had some aunts who preferred to be called Aunt [name], others Auntie [name] and some just liked [name], no title needed. Kids are smart! They will know who you are without elaborate naming plans!

      1. RoseCamelia +19

        Because of a remarriage I had a Grandma-with-the-White-Cat for a few years. Don’t know what we would’ve done if she had outlived the cat.

      2. notebook-keeper +12

        also, just realized I have THREE Uncle Davids. If it’s not clear who we’re talking about we call them “[aunt’s name]’s David.” #misandry

    6. Heathered +17

      It’s a long shot, but aunt + uncle = Ankle. Of course I’m an only child, so you can’t go by me.

    7. chiaroscuromom +5

      What about something from literature/pop culture, like Auntie Mame, or Aunt Beast, or Mrs Whatsit, or Ant Bea or Mary Poppins? Aunt Polly, Auntie Em, Aunt Pittypat? Aunt Beru?

    8. SmrtCookie +11

      What if you just went by your first name? I don’t think kids need to call you Aunt Keri to get that you’re an older relative, Keri would be just fine. Especially if you can hammer it into your family that Keri is your preferred name. Or pick a non-gendered random title? Magistrate, commodore, ok, something a little more kid friendly I guess.

      1. sarah_jay +2

        My squishies (nephew and nieces) live in Hawaii, where every woman is an Auntie,so for now I’m Auntie Sarah, but when they move back to the mainland next year I’ll go back to just being Sarah. I remember my parent’s calling their siblings “aunt _____” when we were at home, but we all called everyone by first names when we were together

    9. systemed7 +4

      I had never heard of a gender-reveal party before, and my partner is trans, so when I read the first line of your post I wondered what the mystery would be since you were pretty clear that this person is your SISTER in law.

      I hope you can see the humor in my cluelessness!

  60. Theo_Winterwood +2

    Art question of the day: For those of you who draw people, do you have any books/websites/random internet posts/whatever that you found particularly unusually helpful in making things like poses and how limbs work suddenly make a ton more sense? (As opposed to: “This more or less makes sense, but there hasn’t been a massive-parting-of-clouds lightbulb-going-on moment yet.”)

    I made the terrible mistake of accidentally restarting preliminary work on a webcomic I was writing with my dude and I’m remembering that I’m not a particularly bad artist, but I’m not nearly as good at those things as I would like to be. Hands and limbs, man. Why do we have to have those.

    1. sausagedog +4

      I like Posemaniacs– it isn’t perfect in many ways: only one female body type, and really gendered poses– but it did help me gain a better understanding of bones and musculature. They also have little features like timed drawings and a random pose generator that you can use to practice.

      1. Theo_Winterwood +3

        Oooh, thanks! That sounds like something I will definitely check out. I’m sort of in the place right now where I know how body proportions basically work and can handle that, but am trying to get down a more active second-nature working knowledge of how things like bones and musculature work when people are doing things that aren’t standing around/sitting down. As well as a better working knowledge of how things like foreshortening work, so I’m not constantly frustrating myself.
         
        Basically, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a serious amount of art so I’m a little rusty and was never quite where I wanted to be for the skillset I’d need for this specific project anyway.
         
        I figure I can probably live with limited body type just so I can get really in practice for how bodies work in general, since I know I’m gonna end up working with a million different body types anyway. 🙂

    2. Ozma Silvershoes +2

      I don’t know if this is actually helpful advice, but I decided at some point to just…stop worrying about it. Like, I used to obsess over how bad my hands looked, but one day I just decided that they looked fine. If they make sense in the drawing, who cares if they don’t look ~real~. That being said, I do not draw very photorealistically.

      This tumblr posts great stuff: http://artist-refs.tumblr.com/. I also keep a side tumblr where I reblog posts that seem helpful to me, reference photos, etc. just so I have them at hand.

      1. octopoda +3

        Gonna check out that link! Pinterest is pretty good for that too. As for organizing refs on a project, I just found this, which I free / pay what you want:
        http://www.pureref.com/

        Haven’t tried it myself yet but looks pretty handy.

        1. Ozma Silvershoes +2

          The artist-refs tumblr posts all kinds of stuff, from poses, to composition, to color palettes, and for all kinds of artistic styles. They have a really good tag system, though, to help you sort through everything!

          1. octopoda +1

            I just got on Tumblr pretty much to just add a bunch of art stuff so this is great! Also I’m liking Artstation.com for inspiration, a lot of great artists on there (tends to be concept style art vs comics though).

    3. octopoda +3

      I sometimes hunt around Pinterest or Deviantart if looking for a specific thing, like hands. I’m still just teaching myself and learning fundamentals so I’m watching lots of youtube videos.

      Posemaniacs is ok like sausagedog mentioned, I think there are a couple other posing sites. There is also software like DAZ studio (free) and Poser from Smith Micro (paid be fairly inexpensive). But then you have to learn how to manipulate the models in that software so it’s extra time spent doing that.

    4. pairofbuttons +1

      I don’t do comics but I’m really into line drawings right now. I feel like there’s a lot of ways to go about drawing and people tend to want to tell you the way they do it is the only right way…

      I think you can get equally good results from thinking about anatomy “inside-out” as in, muscles and skeletal structure, as “outside-in” as in, really close observation of curvatures and volume and where the lines should come forward or recede. Does that make sense? I think traditionally artists were taught anatomy so that’s thought to be the “right” way to understand the figure but if that’s not how you want to do it then don’t.

      I take reference photos and draw from those and think about volume and line quality, not “I’d better put that muscle in because that’s where it should be.” I look at what overlaps and what is vertical/horizontal from a reference point like the end of the nose or the corner of the eye. I hate doing gesture drawings and 5 minute sketches so I was always doing everything “wrong” in my figure drawing class. Also I hate to draw really small, it always looks terrible, so there’s that.

      I guess my only useful advice here is you have to figure out how you like to work? Don’t let other people tell you how to do it? Including me??? Ha!

  61. missmonicae +7

    Toasties, I’m planning a wedding! What should I do? What should I not do? What went hilariously wrong at your wedding or someone else’s?

    1. urspostrophe +8

      Get yourself over to Offbeat Bride, if you haven’t already. It saved my brain. My wedding was pretty chill and fun because I didn’t incorporate anything I didn’t want (no flowers, minimal decorations, and no wedding favors helped immensely). I highly recommend just focusing on the stuff you do care about and letting go of the stuff you don’t.

      At my sister’s wedding, the best man flaked out THE MORNING OF and left behind a Berger-style post-it note for the groom, saying “sorry man, I can’t do this.” It turned out for the better because my then-boyfriend/now-husband filled in for him, but man, that was a crazy morning. Moral of the story being, don’t put anyone in your wedding just because you’ve known them forever and feel obligated.

      1. missmonicae +2

        Oh, wow. That’s…wow. I’ll keep that in mind! Luckily I’ve moved often enough to be able to quietly shed most old friends I don’t want around.

    2. gloriana232 +7

      I didn’t go, but pretty sure the flower girl got too much excitement and threw up at the altar. So there’s that.

    3. sarah_jay +2

      My dad had his appendix out 36 hours before my parent’s wedding. They ended up not staying at the reception for very long, and never got to cut the cake, or eat the food.

    4. notebook-keeper +13

      The favorite wedding thing that I have experienced so far is my friends had a Mexican food buffet with a GUACAMOLE BAR.

      1. missmonicae +2

        WHAT. Would it be weird to do this if neither I nor the bae is Mexican, or even any kind of Latin@?

        1. irishbreakfasttime +5

          I’ve been to three white folks weddings with a taco bar and it didn’t feel weird at all! Like, no one was going for “Mexican themed” or “authentic,” just tacos being delicious. We might do the same at our wedding, b/c tacos are so food allergy/veg*n friendly and easy to do in a buffet.

          1. sarah_jay +4

            Build-it-yourself food items are so good for crowds, and I love buffet weddings (sit down is ok, but I’m not really comfortable in super-formal situations)

          2. missmonicae +2

            I am hoping for a buffet (I’ve got at least two vegetarians coming, and a whole laundry list of food allergies and intolerances). What are other good build-it-yourself buffets besides tacos? The only thing I can think of right now is potato smorgasbord, and one of my (Irish!) grandfathers is allergic to potatoes.

          3. thebellewitch +3

            I went to a wedding with a pasta bar! A few different varieties of pasta shapes and tortellinis, etc, plus a few different sauce choices. I don’t think it was the only food they had, but it was awesome for me (a vegetarian).

        2. notebook-keeper +3

          I think it would be ok! My friends are not Mexican, they just hired their favorite restaurant for their wedding. It was amazing and remains the best wedding food I have ever had.

    5. irishbreakfasttime +4

      Not very far along in the process, but I found this budget: http://brideside.com/blog/wedding-budget/ which is very easy to use and also a good “do we want/not want this thing” checklist. It felt really good to cross out whole swaths of stuff even as we were learning how godawful expensive the stuff we do want is going to be.

    6. celyse +5

      The only two pieces of advice I have for anyone planning a wedding are:

      1. Remember that a lot of the people you’re inviting aren’t gonna come, so you actually have a little more freedom on your invite list than you think (even more if you’re getting married around general holiday times when people might have other immoveable plans). We invited 150, hoping for 125. We got 85 and it was an awesome party (which was our intended vibe! YMMV!).

      2. Have delicious and easily prepared/nuked food in your fridge for when you get home, just in case you are exhausted and starving!

      Have fun, do what you WANT and what feels good to you and your partner and your families (but mostly you and your partner). And CONGRATULATIONS!

      1. missmonicae +5

        Thank you! Especially for the second point–my sisters both got married last summer and there was a lot of post-wedding hangriness before they left on their respective honeymoons.

    7. ladyimogen +10

      Plan your exit strategy, so that you don’t end up being driven to the hotel where you’ll be shacking up with your delicious spouse by his mother, clutching extra cake and giggling.

        1. ladyimogen +3

          It did! Luckily it wasn’t far and said mother was a very good sport. We hadn’t planned much ahead and both got too tipsy to take ourselves off with dignity. Our whole ceremony was decidedly lacking in gravitas!

  62. Eris +6

    Hello, Toasts! I’m at Disney World! I left last Friday on a week-ish long trip my mom has been planning for literally a year, and I head back to Portland tomorrow morning. I’m very much ready to go.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had tons of fun. But I’ve also exhausted myself so thoroughly, I didn’t wake up this morning until something like 11:45. I’m the only introvert in a family of five, and I’ve been at this since Saturday. I’m (voluntarily) alone in the hotel room for the first time in a week, and it’s such a relief.

    (That, and I’ve never felt so conflicted about a place in my whole life with regards to various social issues, but I’m too tired to have that discussion today.)

    So my question for this week is, have any of you introverted Toasties planned/gone on a trip by yourself? If so, where did you go, and how was it? The farthest I’ve ever gone on my own was the drive up to Portland, but I didn’t do much in the way of recreation. I did, however, thoroughly enjoy the solitude. So, what have your experiences been?

    1. Allpha7 +5

      I love taking vacations by myself. Last year, I drove from LA to Seattle. A solid week of solitude. It was the best thing I could have done. I went to fancy restaurants by myself, I went to the beach by myself, and I went to tourist traps by myself. I didn’t have to ask anyone else what they wanted to do or talk to people if I didn’t want to. It was glorious.

      People thought I would be in danger or get lonely, but I felt fine the entire trip. I ended the trip by meeting a friend for a couple days, so I got the right amount of socialization in for me.

      I’m planning a weekend in a cabin in the woods this fall, and I’m already chomping at the bit ready to go. I highly recommend the introvert vacation.

    2. baby_crow +3

      I am super introverted and somewhat shy, and I went on a trip by myself to New Orleans a few months ago. I felt lonely and awkward my first night there, but the next few days were amazing! as Allpha7 wrote, the best thing was being able to just do whatever the fuck I felt like doing at any given moment without having to check in with anyone else. if I felt like exploring, I explored. if I felt like taking a nap in my hotel room, I did that. I drank and ate by myself and chatted with strangers occasionally and went to a museum and went on tours and walked around taking it all in. after it was all over, I had not only really enjoyed myself, but I also felt really empowered and proud of myself for making it happen. as a non-driver, I’m somewhat limited in what types of places I can travel to alone, plus I have limited vacation funds, but if it weren’t for that I would do lots lots more of it.

  63. bighairnoheart +26

    Spotted on the tree outside my apartment.

    WINTER IS COMING. THE END IS EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH.

    #vermontlife

    1. cosetthetable +4

      Some leaves in MA are turning too, despite things still being v.warm. I think maybe it’s about how DRY it’s been?? maybe??

      1. octopoda +3

        Yeah some tree near us too. I think they just got burned. We have a new wisteria vine and neglected to water it for like one day, and half it’s leaves fell off.

      2. bighairnoheart +1

        I don’t know. It’s been super soggy here. But fall beginning to rear its head in July/August is par for the course around here.

    3. sarah_jay +8

      There were fallen leaves in the park the other day and I got so excited for everything to be dying!

      1. bighairnoheart +6

        No. No. Wrong response. I am not ready for nine months of winter yet. Dead leaves are bad.

  64. alicia +7

    I’m close to making the decision to move out of my current apartment, which is a big deal because it’s rent-controlled and if I leave I have to move outside the city and can’t really come back. But it’s tiny and I don’t like it, and while it’s conveniently central I’m tired of the noise and grime and I want to see trees more than once a month. I’ve been hunkering down so that I can save for a down payment, but prices are skyrocketing so even though I’m saving I’m not really getting anywhere and I’m just Sick. Of. It. Moving also means my rent will go up about 30%, which I can afford but I won’t then be saving much so the dream of owning something just gets pushed farther and farther away. I feel like I keep putting off living my life though, and I can’t do that forever. *sigh*

  65. Zueignung +27

    This might seem like a facile concern and an absurd generalization, but it’s one that I’m really struggling with. Especially in light of MISANDRY and the preponderance of horrible stories and broken homes that surround me, I’m having trouble having faith in men, specifically in the context of romantic relationships. As a heterosexual woman, I have the utterly conventional yet irrepressible desire to have a male romantic partner for life, but I find it harder and harder to believe in the possibility of lasting, faithful love from a man. Does anyone else have this difficulty, or even better, can anyone reassure me?

    1. Momthra +11

      Does it reassure you that gay marriage is now legal and we can all finally just make arrangements together? No. Well, I’m all tapped out then.

    2. merrite +17

      I have these feelings sometimes too, and ditto on the lack of faith in long-term heterosexual relationships due to poor examples being set early on in my life. Perhaps soulmates are not a good concept and we are instead destined to have a number of shorter-term loves over our lifetimes, like the stuff of a Nancy Mitford novel. And at the very least, there are always dogs to hang out with. I don’t know.

      1. Girl Named Jack +11

        I’m coming around to the short(er)-term “series of lovers” idea and it has been surprisingly comforting to me.

        1. fakely_mctest +8

          See, I think I’d be okay with that if I was having any success in finding non-terrible people to date in a short term way. I’m sort of like: ONE good, emotionally available dude is apparently way too much to ask, never mind a whole passel of them.

    3. gloriana232 +16

      Hmm, perhaps … it isn’t our duty to believe in something that hasn’t manifested itself in our lives. Maybe we have a duty to be as open and as kind as we can in the face of things, but it’s not my job to “believe” in your (read: A Man’s) ability to be a good, trustworthy partner unless you are proving it to me.

      For me, I think I struggle with this because I feel like if I don’t believe, I’ll deny it to myself. And I get tired from the effort. So many men I seem drawn to are already in relationships, and I’ve despaired recently single men aren’t 1) matured enough for me or 2) aren’t interested in me anyway.

      Yet I don’t want to be cynical either. So far, the best I’ve managed is give myself room to have these “all men are garbage” feelings and vent, and only give my time to men who don’t annoy me. When I get really unproductive, recently I’ve been recognizing I’ve been there before and it never went anywhere, so I get up and do something. Sometimes you can’t think your way out of something, especially something you just can’t control.

      I do think there are good men out there, and even good men who might be good partners for me. But it’s not a faith specifically in the nature of men — just the nature of people, and the undeniable numbers game.

    4. SarcasticFringehead +17

      I have no advice, but I am right there with you. Even when I see friends of mine in relationships with actual good men, I think about all the shit I’d probably have to sift through to find one (my ex was pretty close, but still not all the way there, and is also a jackass in other ways that are not specifically gender-related but certainly grew out of male privilege, particularly in re dealing with feelings), and I think, at least a vibrator never suggests that I take being catcalled as a compliment?

    5. Hadrosaur +17

      This isn’t in the context of romantic relationships, so it might not be that reassuring, but I have close male friends who are absolutely awesome and always have my back when I need to confront creepy dudes. (And I have basically zero interest in being friends with men who don’t have extremely good gender politics).

      I don’t think it’s a facile concern at all, either. I’d be concerned about this too if I were more straight.

    6. CleverManka +15

      It’s possible. It can happen. The Burgomaster is a shining example. He’s not perfect (nobody is) but he’s close, and if we’re keeping score he’s probably a better human being than me. We didn’t find each other until we were in our late 30s, either, and it wasn’t under the greatest circumstances? But yes, I can reassure you all is not lost. I think the trick is to find someone who isn’t already the ideal ally but is eager to be educated on how not to be a Typical Man. And then puts those lessons into regular practice.

      1. perianwen +13

        ^seconding. The guy I’m involved with now is pretty good about a lot of things, but he’s told me that all the social justice things I talk about and make him (more) aware of makes him want to be a better person. So. An openness and willingness to listen & learn?

        1. perianwen +2

          :/ Sorry I can’t be logical and more clear today. What I meant by that, in a nutshell, is I would take it as a good sign if a guy was willing to work on growing himself as a person because it could mean he was more likely to want to invest in working on a long-lasting relationship.

          I could really use a nap in order to be more coherent.

    7. RoseCamelia +10

      Mr Rose falls short of being a great partner, but he is 100% faithful and loves me more than I love myself. Like CleverManka and her Burgomaster, Mr Rose and I found each other in our 30s. Experience with many other lovers, dating many other people has great advantages.

      1. fenixdawn +9

        Yep–I also found mine in my 30s. While it can feel like a long time to be dating, on the other hand, the advantage is that you’re both more mature, have a (somewhat) better idea of what you want, and have both probably sorted through some real jokers to get to someone good. There’s something to be said for coming together when you are both somewhat more fully realized human beings.

        1. gloriana232 +4

          I’m really believing in this too. My heart aches for myself when I see lovely people happily coupled sometimes (separate from my happiness for them) but these stories help! Thank you.

    8. missmonicae +7

      I do think the proportion of men who are mature enough to pull this off has gone down since The Good Old Days (take your pick). But I also know that there are some out there. My favourite strategy is to go for traditional Catholic guys who are against divorce, but if that’s not your cup of tea I recommend men whose parents had good marriages. It’s neither necessary nor sufficient, but it does help to have had that kind of model so it should raise your chances. I don’t know how to go about finding them, though–ask your parents if they have still-married friends with eligible sons?

      Faithful, loving men are out there. You are not silly or a gender traitor for wanting one. And you deserve to hold out for the right one. I’ll pray for you!

    9. isabellebleu +11

      I know these feelings. I know that I can thank my own, internalized problems for some of them. I can reassure you that I have known monogamous couples of all genders & orientations – – including cis/het – – who have worked hard to make lasting love.
      Soppy anecdote: One of those couples is my mum & pop (stepdad, biologically speaking, but in every way a father). They just celebrated what I think was either their 23rd or 24th anniversary; I lose count sometimes, because they don’t count from their wedding, but *from their first date*. They just decided to retire and now they spend all of their days together building birdhouses and playing with cats and rambling through woods & beaches like lovesick teenagers. They are about sixty. I would not believe that true forever romantic love existed if it were not for them. I’ve also had an inside eye on how hard they’ve worked to keep it that way, but they’re so committed to each other that they wouldn’t dream of putting the work of love down for a second.
      And an advice, if you wish to be offered any: consider a few counselling sessions, if your time and coverage/pocketbook allow. 100% of people can benefit from some therapy, and it can be really beneficial to have a professional to talk some of these feelings out with; one who will listen, who will assist if you want, without tryng to set you up with their newly-divorced cousin.

  66. Girl Named Jack +40

    Just found out my ex finally found a place and is moving out!! And he’ll be gone only ONE day past the deadline I gave him. Thank the Maker. What a relief. It’s been a LONG four months. Toasties, this is such good news. I was expecting a protracted series of excuses and procrastination on his part.

  67. GruntledDave +4

    I don’t think I saw a Gym/Exercise/PR thread yet. Let’s have one!

    Here’s a great article that the awesome Hieu posted on FB this week about Strongwomen being badass. I keep reading it over and over.

    I’m rebuilding my squat form right now. I got into a lot of small bad habits that added up to a pretty bad mess of a squat. I need to fix it if I’m ever to get my squat PR moving again. It is frustrating, but I’m at least making (slow) progress. I’m also learning how to properly sumo deadlift. I’m not switching away from my normal DL for competition, but the sumo form does help me work on some hip mobility issues, so it is cool.

    All of the athletes I coach are working on SMART goals for their training, and that is cool, as it helps me know what to focus on for each of them. I’ve been setting/working towards my own SMART training goals for years; I’m not sure why it took me so long to think to have my athletes do them!

    How is your exercise week going? Tell us all about it!

    1. CleverManka +4

      I am bound and determined to resume daily yoga practice this weekend. I wanted to start earlier, but CFS issues hit hard early in the week. =(

      1. GruntledDave +2

        I was all, “who has a problem with chicken fried steak?!?” and then I remembered maybe not everyone lives in Texas/the South. Chronic fatigue sucks. 🙁 Did you get a diagnosis (I think I remember that you were about to, a while back) and/or some things to do to help treat it?

        1. CleverManka +4

          OH MAN do I miss chicken fried steak. Haven’t figure out a decent paleo version that doesn’t get gross and soggy.

          Amusingly, I do not have the energy to go through the hoops to get an official diagnosis. I’ve had two PCPs and a number of other health care practitioners say “yeah, you probably have it,” but if I’m going to spend a ton of time in offices and clinics, I’m spending that time getting cured, not analyzed.

          Things are mostly on the upswing, but I still have days that I can barely make it through the workday. Happy to be feeling better right now, though!

    2. gloriana232 +4

      Hey, my dad took me out jogging on Sunday, and then I went jogging on Wednesday! Wow! I kind of actually WANT to go jogging tonight, but we’ll see. If not, I’ll ask my dad if he’s free Sunday again.

      1. GruntledDave +1

        Nice! Having a training partner can really help with motivation, and it makes things more fun.

    3. maggiegrift +3

      Sorry! I keenly made a new thread without seeing yours! (I checked only the first page like a true lazy person. Chalk it up to today being a rest day!)

      Also, good luck with sumo!

    5. AddieJoy +6

      I found a gym after my move! I’ve been going and lifting! It is a small and kinda grimy gym, which would be okay, except that there is only one set of 2.5 lbs plates and maybe 2 sets of 5 lb plates, and half the time I can’t figure out where they are. How does anyone there build up to heavier weights? Surely they don’t jump up in 20 lb increments!

      Also I keep having anxiety attacks in the middle of the weight room, so that’s not ideal.

    6. shucksmahoney +3

      Got to a spin class, which felt awesomesauce, and did a lot of walking – both signs that my pesky ankle is healing up. My regular pilates classes are off for summer (WOE) so I am going to try and go to a dance class.

    7. Thujaplicata +3

      I had my goal-setting meeting my my new personal trainer and she seems pretty cool. I have my first real appointment to work out while she watches me next week and then 2 more sessions after that.
      I had tea with a good friend today who does massage at the same gym and she only had good things to say about the trainer, so that makes me happy. We also realized that we have similar goals and body limitations, so we’re going to try and work out together a couple times a week (and then possibly eat cookies together after the workout).

    8. RudyRed +2

      My legs have been weirdly weak-feeling this week, which might be because I helped a friend move over the weekend and also made two long bike trips to the north end of town and back, but I didn’t think it would affect my legs THAT much. Today they started feeling more like normal though, so hopefully it’ll pass soon. My calves were still tight when doing calf raises, but I was able to do my squats just fine.

    9. Xolandra +1

      I got into and out of plow in a controlled fashion for the first time! I was so excited I may have texted my BFF about it.

  68. celery +21

    I’m flying to London tomorrow! I will be there for a whole week! I am seeing Bandicoot Cabbagepatch in Hamlet. None of this has sunk in, even though this has all been planned for a year. And I just realized yesterday that it’s the first week-long vacation I’ve had that’s purely a vacation in I don’t know how long. Possibly a year and a half, possibly two years. I am so jittery and it is so hard to focus on my work.

      1. celery +2

        I have! I love London so much, I am so happy to be going back. Also all Londoners I met while there seemed extremely surprised that I liked their city.

        1. shucksmahoney +1

          Heh, well we get used to having it slagged off… but I think it’s lovable a lot of the time.

    2. gloriana232 +5

      !!!! So exciting! I’ve always wanted to travel to a city just to see a play with a favourite actor. Please report back how amazing it was!

      2. celery

        I will deliver a full review! (I thought I had replied to you or allofthewhine a couple hours ago, but apparently not)(Maybe both posts will show up and I will just look really enthusiastic about reporting back)

    3. allofthewhine +2

      So exciting! I’m going with my mom in October, so I will look forward to hearing your review!

    4. dakimel +4

      AAHH! So great.

      We spent a few days in London last month & finally followed all the advice to go to the Churchill War Rooms and WOW it was great. We were down there for hours. (It opens at like 9 & there is already a line by then – we came out after 1 and the line stretched almost back to the palace. We’d done well to plan it for the first morning, when we were totally jet lagged & awake at 5:30 am – wandered around, found fried breakfast, walked past Buckingham & thorough the parks, washed up at Churchill War Rooms just before 9, perfect timing.)

      (Protip: read Code Name Verity first, if you haven’t, which I think you have?)

      Enjoy your 100% vacationy-vacation.

      1. celery

        I’ve been to London before, years ago, and I did make it to the Churchill War Rooms! But that was before Code Name Verity. It was still fantastic, though.

  69. Krutahn +5

    This is all super inspiring, thanks everyone! 🙂 I think I might hit some craft stores this weekend and see what strikes my fancy, and maybe look into some groups in my area (in spite of my track record of signing up for meetup groups and chickening out when I get there and realize it means I have to approach a group of strangers, lol.)

    Edited to add: this was supposed to be in response to the thread I started much earlier about this week’s Ask Bear column and hobbies, but you’re all inspiring anyway!

  70. winterbymorning +25

    Hello toasts! Greetings from Southern Bohemia! I miss you all lots. It is 33 C here at 8 pm and I might be dying.

    I also might have misplaced one batch of toast post postcards but I have 9 days left in my trip and I will do my best to get at least one postcard to everyone who asked for one.

    Hope you’re all doing well! I am not enjoying the thought of going back to wrk but then I think “Work is where I am paid to read The Toast and do very little actual work” and am reconciled.

    Also, I saw a sign at an exchange office that said “the more you change the more you become” and I know that’s just a poor translation with a calque from the German text but I thought it was REALLY PROFOUND.

  71. alexisnotthecar +10

    Hello Toasties!

    This is my first open thread where I actually post a thing and I am quite flustered.

    I just started a new job a few months ago and *~*lOvEs It*~* even though it’s in a bit of a different role than my overall career goals. My office is super supportive of learning and development though, and it’s in a subject area that I am very passionate about and I’m getting a bit of involvement in important projects. It’s a 9 month contract but I will probably have it extended or made permanent.

    Now, that being said, I got a call this week from a job I applied to back in January (????) and they want to interview me. It is in my actual expertise field and would give me more of that specific experience, but I’ve (a) only been at my current job for 5 months and (b) love my team and what we do. This potential new job involves tons of experience that I want to advance my career, but the subject matter is just unbelievably dull and I have no idea what is worth pursuing and what to do or think and if I’m making a mistake not taking this opportunity or what aaaahhhhH!!!!!

    1. RoseCamelia +10

      An interview is not a commitment. Take the interview. Even if you are offered the job and decline, you would have made some new contacts which may be useful in the future. Good luck!

      1. GruntledDave +2

        Agreed, always take the interview. Decisions can come later, but this way you’ve both made contacts and had practice interviewing. Plus you may learn something in the interview that helps you make a decision!

  72. AddieJoy +8

    Cosplay thread?

    I am picking a new cosplay, and it is surprisingly difficult! I love a lot of characters with tragic narratives and could even dress up like them. But I have enough Very Serious Stuff happening in my real life, and I want my cosplay experience to be silly and joyful rather than straight-faced and full of reflected angst. (I’m also failing to come up with fun spins on serious characters. Oops.) The Winter Soldier, Deathface Ginny, Imperator Furiosa, and Maria Hill are not the most cheerful characters out there. However, the prospect of building a ROBOT ARM is exciting enough that I might do it anyways.

    Last time I went as Clint Barton, Human Disaster, and that was a lot of fun. I asked all the SHIELD personnel I could find to look disappointed in me for pictures and had an excellent time.

    2. Thujaplicata +1

      I was just thinking about cosplay today while putting away bras and thought of the idea of doing a cosplay of Stitch with a bra on my head and a cape and then a blue dress that matched his color. I should really sketch it out and see if it actually looks awesome on paper or just in my head.

  73. TessierAshpool3 +17

    Toasts, I think my boss is in rehab again. I thought he was doing ok, and then he was in the hospital…with no phone. It doesn’t impact my work too much, especially as he plans to be back Monday, but it makes me sad. I am trying to think of it as a flare-up of a disease, and not in any more judgmental way. 🙁

  74. floridagal1 +2

    Is there a fanfiction thread yet? I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole that is verityburns’ Sherlock fanfiction, what are yall reading? What should I binge read this weekend and then binge-reread??

    Also, I am going to London (eeeeeeeeeeeeeek) next month and need an affordable and safe place for a woman alone to stay for like 7 days. I’m attending a professional workshop and just need somewhere to sleep: where should I be looking? I’ve been to London before so I already have sort of an idea where things are and would be ok with using the tube to get around but I have no clue where to start looking for a place to stay. Any help/recommendations would be very appreciated!!

    2. AddieJoy +2

      THIS. It is amazing post-Cap 2 fanfic from Bucky’s perspective and it is hilarious and heartbreaking and wonderful and, to quote my friend, turns me into a human smile every time. Here is the follow up!

      1. SarcasticFringehead +2

        Aaaaah, I recommended those a couple weeks ago! And then even though I had just read both of them, I turned around and read them again!

      2. floridagal1 +1

        Oh man I LOVE that one. I think I read the entire thing (including sequels) twice in three days? SO GOOD. Someone on here recommended it a little bit ago and I was lurking.

    3. shucksmahoney +1

      Had really good experience with the Mystery Hotel option through Expedia. Good luck!

    4. Thujaplicata +1

      I mainlined “An Avalanche of Detour Signs” and loved it. I’m reading a Dragon Age modern AU that is currently in progress and the last chapter just ruined me. I commented, demanding that the author fix it immediately! and she just responded with an evil laugh.

      1. laurenipsum +2

        I hate it (in a loving way) when they do that. I might stop reading in-progress fics because I torture myself too much with them.

      2. floridagal1 +2

        Just googled Avalanche..will definitely be reading it!! Molly is adorable and I wish the writers of the show were kinder to her. Thanks!

    5. Jen_Birren +1

      There are loads of cheap (well, cheap for London) hotels near King’s Cross whose clientele are mostly European tourists because of the Eurostar- look on one of the hotel comparing websites for one there with decent reviews? I stayed in one about half a block the other side of Euston Road from the station a few months ago and it was fine (small rooms, no elevator or aircon but you can’t expect those for the price, the bed was decent and it was clean.)

  75. maggiegrift +5

    GYM THREAD

    I got a new 5 rep max PR this week! Every Saturday we do a 5RM at whatever I feel is possible, with the only rule that it must be heavier than last week’s (one time I went up on my a single kilo). Ive been doing this for 8 weeks, and now my 5RM is official HIGHER than my “one rep max” (which will clearly not be my 1RM next time I test). So proud of myself!

      1. maggiegrift +1

        My back squat!

        (It’s the summer of leg strength over here… since my power clean is more than my clean, and my snatch is equal to my overhead squat)

        1. GruntledDave +2

          NICE! Squat PRs are my favorite (N.B.: I don’t do C&J or snatches, except power versions in complex work). A 5RM more than your old 1RM is HUGE!!!

    2. alexisnotthecar

      Hey that’s amazing!!! PR’s are the best feeling, I am smiling for days whenever I hit one so hooray for your accomplishments!!

  76. larocquen +1

    Those are awesome! You’d posted last week that you’d be going to this class, right? I’m glad to see you had a great time!

  77. literarysara +15

    Toastfolk, I’ve been working at home for the last couple of months–well, at home, and at coffee shops, and sometimes at friend’s houses, and in the latter two instances I’m working on a little tablet with a keyboard, and my shoulders and upper back feel terrible.
    Today I googled “posture correction brace” and looked at a bunch of options, felt confused, and in desperation tied a scarf around my arms in an imitation of this style:

    Oh my goodness, I feel substantially better. My spine is straight, my shoulders aren’t hunched, and having the scarf against my shoulderblades is giving my upper back some needed support.

    But this seems like a temporary solution. I am interested in how other computer-centered Toastfolk manage posture and back support!

    1. GruntledDave +4

      I know it maybe seems like I’m always telling everyone to lift weights, but… my wife had this (and other back) problem(s) for years, and lifting, in particular deadlifts, allowed her to correct/overcome it. So that may be an option, if you want?

      1. literarysara +1

        I am indeed working on building arm and core strength! But I’m coming off of a couple of years of comparative inactivity imposed by thyroid dysfunction, so progress toward the “be stronger/fitter” solution has been slow.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +3

          I was having some neck/shoulder pain from work, and just doing maybe 10 or 15 lady pushups a day really helped. Hopefully even slow progress will help yours too!

    2. Girl Named Jack +5

      I have a timer on my computer set to 30 minutes. It’s about to go off, actually! And when it does I stand up, stretch, do a couple of desk push-ups and some air squats. It helps quite a bit.

      1. literarysara +2

        This is a very good suggestion! I already do 30-minute timers frequently to help break down my long interminable project into manageable pieces, but too often I think of the interval between timers as “time wasted” instead of “time spent wisely on physical and mental health,” as it should be.

    4. irishbreakfasttime +2

      Standing desk! Comfy shoes and something padded to stand on (I finally got a real anti-tension mat but previously used the cheapest camping foam mattress) are vital. I used a big cardboard box on top of a regular desk while trying to decide if I wanted to go through with it. I usually sit with my laptop on my lap for the last couple hours of the day, but switching to mostly standing really fixed my backaches.

    5. spring chickens +2

      Well, first of all I am going to try your solution here!

      Second of all, it looks like we might have similar problems — shortened pecs from leaning forward at computers. You can stretch them out by standing in a doorway with cartoon cactus arms (arms out perpendicular from you, and bent up at the elbow at a right angle), propping your arms (or one at a time) on the doorframe, and leaning forward gently while keeping your back straight. It helps a lot.

      I am just about to try Rolfing for this problem. And I just moved to Philly! So it will be a Philly Rolfer. If she’s good and you’re interested, I can pass on details.

  78. femaelstrom +35

    I lead group therapy sessions as part of my work and I always wrap up by asking people what they’re looking forward to!

    Right now my answer is my friend’s birthday party next week. It’ll be like a mini college reunion, but with a pool and water guns.

    I became a bat mitzvah (at 25) last weekend! My synagogue held an adult b’nei mitzvah class, so my mom, my sister, three other adults, and I all went through it. It was a pretty stressful process (even though I only had to do 1/6 of what most people do). I almost quit a few times and was so stressed on Saturday morning that I couldn’t even talk to anyone. But it actually went really well! My rabbi asked if I was sure I’d never read Torah before and my cantor asked me to read on Yom Kippur. I wish there were pictures, but, you know, cameras on Shabbat. Here’s a picture of me in my tallis, though (taken by my small niece, hence the odd angle):

    5. fakely_mctest +8

      Go you!

      I am also strangely drawn to the cat just behind you, sprawling most regally.

  79. Vicki +1

    Mental health question, Toasties!

    I’m 23 and while I’ve always stuggled with anxiety and depression, this is the first time (outside of university) where I am actively trying to find a therapist. My questions to you are 1) how exactly does one FIND a therapist and 2) how do I find out if my insurance covers therapy and 3) if I’m on my parents insurance, will my parents be informed I’m in therapy? Thanks!

    1. AddieJoy +2

      I went to my insurance company’s website and looked at their provider listings for therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. That way you know you’re covered, and it gives you a nice list to work down. You can also often search by location and find someone close to you. I find it helpful to call and talk to them before the first appointment–maybe 10 minutes on the phone to explain what your goals are and see if you like the way they talk to you. It’s free, and saves a lot of stress and time of making/showing up to a first appointment.

    2. AddieJoy +3

      Also, good on you for taking this step. It’s hard but it makes such a difference. <3

    3. gloriana232 +1

      There may be therapist referral services where you live — just Google “therapist referral [city].” The one I took up (just a random choice) communicated by email. If insurance doesn’t end up covering you but you’re able to cover some costs, some therapists can work on a sliding scale, especially for students or the unemployed. You can ask.

      To be sure, I would contact the insurance service to find out what your parents see.

      Also, remember if you don’t like your therapist after a session or two — you don’t trust them or you feel you can’t talk to them — consider that finding another one is always a choice.

    4. femaelstrom +4

      I used Psychology Today’s therapist finder, and I believe you can narrow your search down by “therapists who accept x insurance.” As far as your second question, under the Affordable Care Act, insurance plans do have to cover mental health care at the same level as physical health care (yay!) so if you’re in the US, your insurance should definitely cover at least some therapy. Do you have an account set up on your insurance company’s website? If not, you can probably just google “(Name of insurance plan) plan details” and a PDF from the company’s website will generally pop up, outlining the coverage offered for various services. Not sure about your third question, sorry!

    5. missmonicae +5

      A suggestion via Carolyn Hax (from a reader):

      Q: Finding a Therapist
      Finding a therapist and how hard it is came up last chat (and many other times). As someone who has hunted for therapists both personally and professionally as a social worker, I thought I might suggest a strategy. Sadly, I don’t think anything can make it easy, but I have found this method successful in getting someone into a therapist within a week and it has the added advantage of being able to hand off a piece of it to someone else, if there is someone you can trust to help you.
      Step 1: Go to your insurance website for Mental or Behavioral Health (If you have insurance). This is likely to be different than your regular insurance website. If you don’t know what it it (and it often isn’t mentioned anywhere convenient for some reason I don’t understand), you can call the number on the back of your insurance card and they will tell you. If you don’t have insurance, try therapists.psychologytoday.com and search for therapists. You can also look for advocacy groups that specialize in something that applies to you, for example ALS or grieving parents.
      Step 2: Search for providers. Try to get a list of about 40 or more providers before you start making calls. You should be able to set geographic limits, the gender of the therapist if that’s important to you, and a specialty. If you live somewhere with a large population, be very specific, if not, be as general as you can.
      Step 3: Start making calls. If you have someone who can help you, now is a great time to print out the list and hand it to them and ask them to do this step. If not, allow yourself about an hour and promise yourself something nice afterwards. Script for your helper: “My name is X and my number is Y. I am trying to find a therapist for someone in your area. I need to know if you are accepting new clients and if you take her insurance, which is Q. She is dealing with Z problem right now. Do you have experience dealing with this? If you might be a good fit, please call me back. Again, my name is X and my number is Y.” You’ll notice this is an answering machine message script, since they will leave a lot of messages. Expect to hear back from maybe a third of therapists. Many of those will not be a fit. Ask your friend to keep going until they have at least two therapists who have confirmed they could see you. It’s ok to take breaks. If you are doing this for yourself, modify the script to be about you.
      Step 4: Once you have some therapists who are accepting new clients, do a little research, or go ahead and pick one and schedule an appointment. A good place to do research is therapists.psychologytoday.com. The profiles there are much more detailed and informative than any I’ve seen on insurance websites.
      Step 5: Keep the list of other options handy. If you don’t like the first therapist, try another. The list is also likely to get a little longer as a few more therapists respond to your messages.
      Step 6: Remember, you are not in this alone and this is a hard uncomfortable problem, even for experts. Be kind to yourself as you do this and get as much help as you can. I’ve noticed it’s ten times harder doing it for myself than for someone else.

      A: Carolyn Hax
      This is really good, thank you. If it were a word, I would call these instructions dedauntifying.
      The one thing I would amend in the script is: “If you might be a good fit, or can recommend someone who would be, please call me back.” Every good therapist I’ve worked with was recommended by another therapist.

  80. LaxMom +9

    So today I was driving my mom’s van (to help my son’s friend with college dorm-moving), and I was stopped at the light in the town where I’ve driven through this intersection multiple times a day for the past 13 years. Typical rural suburb with gas stations on the corner. Some man in a work van starts honking at me. I look, and he’s expecting me to BACK UP (I’m on the street! cars are behind me) to let him out so he can make a left turn across two lanes.
    Um, no.
    So he honks again. Well, at this point I’m thinking, I’ve lived here 13 years and there have been days when it took me three lights to get a chance to make that same left turn, and he can damn well wait. AND the person behind me had backed up, so if he himself backed up he could have gone around me. And there are two other exits to this gas station, but he just expected me to move out of his way so he didn’t have to lift a finger to get what he wanted.

    So then I went to work. Some contractor refuses to take no for an answer, asks for my boss, she’s on vacation, gets my other boss. When SHE says no, he says, “You look young. What is this, your first day? Why don’t you look up the answer. Don’t you know how this stuff works?” She told him “I may look young but I have 15 years experience on this job and the answer is still no”. I told her that next time she shouldn’t even acknowledge his comment about his looks, just say the experience part.
    THEN she starts talking about how the two office assistants get overtime for going to the meetings that she has to chair 4 times a month, that often go to 11 pm. She drives an hour to work and gets in at 8 am and leaves after the meeting on those days. ANd up until a few months ago she was doing that as a nursing mom. The office ladies get overtime and she doesn’t. She qualifies, but the office ladies said that HR won’t pay her the overtime unless she joins the union. I said, that’s illegal, they better give you one or the other–even federal govt offices have to do that, as of this week, and we aren’t a federal office, anyway. She told me that the MAYOR actually told her not to even try to apply for comp time, it was “highly discouraged”.

    I am fuming. Everybody at this office lets the mayor pull all this illegal crap, and then has to sit through ethics meetings telling them they can’t even go to business lunches or they are unethical. I need out!!

    There is an interview next tuesday for the parks department job. It’s not ideal, I’ll still be broke but not as broke, and it’s full time. In the meantime, I need job hunting vibes!

    The college boy seems to have gotten it together and I drive him to Toledo on Saturday next. Girl child has joined cross country and now wants to do track in the spring. This makes me sad because that means she can’t do my lacrosse, but I understand. 8th grade boys and little 12 year old girls on the same team playing contact sports could be painful. High school boy is enjoying squad leading immensely. Today was “Disney day”, and I told him that we owned nothing disney that wasn’t from 17 years ago when he brother was two, so he put on a halloween dress and got a bag of ice and went as Elsa. I told him he’d better join the drama club, or he’ll never get to wear heels (he has big feet, he’s not touching mine!)

    My rent went up and I spent the weekend crying. Then I decided to go back to karate and I have been. My knee didn’t much like kicking the bag on Wednesday, but I’ll be back tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday…..I need this. Also we did a gun drill and I’ll be dead if anybody starts shooting in a theater near me.

    1. GruntledDave +5

      If you get the parks dept. job, you are on your way to Leslie Knope-dom! So go for it!

  81. BessieMaeMucho +13

    I just read the obit of the amazing scientist and my new hero, Frances Oldham Kelsey, who worked for the US FDA (Food and Drug Administration) and is best known for preventing thalidomide from being approved for use in the US. She retired at age 90! She demanded better demonstrations of drug safety and efficacy! You should read the Washington Post obit!
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-sci…

    1. aravisthequeen +3

      Fun anecdote: I have an article running here on Monday that discusses how Kelsey is one of the vanishingly few non-royal women in Canada with a high school named after her. It’s near her hometown in British Columbia.

  82. shevralay +16

    Broke up with the boyfriend. I thought I would cry more about it, but I haven’t really. But I did log on to Tinder and OKCupid and he had beaten me to them (three or four days after it ended) and he came up on my matches when I wasn’t expecting it and it felt like a knife wound and I cried for 20 minutes.

    So, y’know, that’s been exciting.

    On the upside, ate sushi for lunch, so that’s pretty excellent.

    3. SmrtCookie +5

      Hey shevralay, your reply upthread includes your full name and email address. Just an FYI if that was a mistake and you want to edit it out!

  83. Bunburying +4

    FALLEN LONDON thread!

    I have done nothing interesting at all this week, just grinding theft after theft of Tales of Terror in the Flit to turn into Uncanny Incunabula to feed to the machine at the University, and once I have 50 I can FINALLY use this stupid mood card to get two uses out of the thing and MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE

    Then I suppose it will be time to take to the zee again for my Ambition!

    1. spring chickens +1

      I have gotten a bit bored (the Masters even send me nosegays now that my Notability is high — and I’m running out of things to do), but considering saving up for Hesperian Cider. They say you can go up to the surface in Naples and maybe even ride around in Roman triremes.

  84. shucksmahoney +10

    I flaked on going to a party (b/c parties = stress!) but now realise I have no social anything set up for this weekend, because I am an arse who doesn’t organise things. Everyone is busy because they were not arses! I keep painting myself into this particular corner and am fed up about it. I need to work out a balance between spinster hermit and functioning human.

    1. RoseCamelia +6

      I keep falling into this situation, too. When I was more functional and less hermit, I put a note in my bill paying tickler. So every time I paid bills, I was reminded to force myself to plan a social something. With my bill paying because it’s something I never fail to do. The social something was sometimes just an invitation to meet me at a restaurant for a Saturday lunch. Sometimes I just could not deal with people, but forced myself to schedule an afternoon at a museum, solo.

      It’s a great plan, except for the fact that I stopped doing it. I need to do this. Maybe typing to you will help me start up again. But I hope you find more social events for yourself, in any case.

      1. shucksmahoney +2

        Thank you, Rose, so sweet of you to reply. And that kind of automated trigger to get oneself out – that’s perfect for me. I am good, a little too good, at setting up routines.

    2. SmrtCookie +4

      One thing that’s really helped me is having low-stress standing plans with a few of my favorite people. We know that every first sunday of the month we brunch so planning is super easy. Also it’s helped planning things for times of day (and doing that planning) when I’m the most social. Late morning/early afternoon tends to be my sweetspot, by evening I neither want to plan nor see anyone ever again.

      1. shucksmahoney +3

        That is very wise advice, O Cookie my Cookie. I’m also rubbish at evenings, but I tend to assume everyone else wants to meet then. I should start being more strategic!

      2. sarah_jay +3

        This is exactly why brunch is the best. I used to have a standing date for brunch with friends the second Saturday of the month, which was great. Different restaurant every time.

        1. shucksmahoney +1

          God, I miss brunch. It’s geographically a pain in London on the weekends, though – that’s when public transport can be erratic, and all my friends live all over the show. Tried to get regular brunch dates started a couple of times and it fizzled. But I could probably organise a one-off some time.

  85. ladyimogen +33

    I was flying for a work trip, comfortably ensconced in my window seat on a completely full flight, happily lost in my book, when a Man next to me asked me to lower my window cover so he could sleep (in the middle of the day). I politely refused, and went back to reading. An hour later, he TAPPED ME ON MY SHOULDER to ask if I would switch seats with him (to sit in between him and some other dude, why??) and I again politely refused and went back to reading. And THEN he interrupted me AGAIN to comment on how fast I read, and I just pretended not to hear him, and he turned to the man next to him and said “I guess I should just mind my own business.”
    Yeah, you guess?
    And the whole thing was just so annoying because it was obvious he was counting on me to be Nice and actually had some expectation I would comply.

    2. gloriana232 +14

      “And THEN he interrupted me AGAIN to comment on how fast I read”

      what the hell

    5. shucksmahoney +12

      Passive aggressive much, dude? Hope he choked, quietly, on a complimentary peanut.

    6. LaxMom +4

      Yep. Like that guy driving the van this morning. Expecting women to just do what they want. GRRRR.

  86. katenepveu +2

    I don’t see a Fallen London thread yet, so: Fallen London thread! Obligatory spreadsheet reminder!

    I’ve been putzing at Zee for a while but I’m back and around social actions. I’m also surprisingly close to being able to afford Hesperidean Cider (less than three weeks if I sell the Ubergoat, another 2 months on top of that if I stand firm and keep the Ubergoat), so I will be money-grinding with renewed zeal.

    What about you all, delicious Toasties?

  87. testingwithfire +6

    Hi Toasties!

    I might be getting my ears repierced this weekend! It’s been several years since I’ve been able to wear pierced earrings, but I saw an Ask MeFi thread recently that was encouraging. (Saw an allergist and I don’t think I’ve developed a metal allergy.) So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things go well.

    In banjo news, I’m working on a French lullaby that I arranged with a little help from my teacher, as well as “Old Joe Clark.” It is so much easier to come up with original arrangements on the banjo than I ever found it to be on the piano. My lack of playing skillz limits me to some extent… I think that makes it easier to come up with arrangements, oddly enough. The pieces aren’t ready for open mic yet but I’m trying to devote 30-60 minutes a day to practice.

  89. Mrs_Peel +9

    I met a bunch of upstate NY Toasties for brunch last week, and they were all delightful human beings and I had a wonderful time! <3

  90. spring chickens +2

    Hello dear Philadelphians! Can you recommend good yoga teachers in your fair city, especially ones in Center City or University City?

    I have always liked mysore-style ashtanga, but in my creaky third decade of life I also like gentler styles a lot. Open to anything except Bikram. The atmosphere of the class as created by the teacher (warm, non-judgmental, non-dogmatic, not going to freak out if I prefer not to do certain poses for injury reasons) is way way way more important to me than the particular yoga style. Would be very grateful for any recommendations!

    1. literarysara +1

      Hello Philadelphian! I am not currently practicing yoga outside of my house, so I’m afraid I can’t recommend any yoga instructors, but I can recommend posting your query to the Philly Toast Google group (easy to sign up if you are not already a member).

    2. mmdc +1

      My friend Meghan teaches Mysore-style at Dhyana Yoga (Rittenhouse/Center City) and she is delightful!

      1. spring chickens +2

        thank you! I will definitely try it out. That looks closer to me than the Ashtanga Yoga School place, and maybe a bit more relaxed, too.

    3. CheddarBiscuit +1

      Late to the party here, but when I lived in University City, I regularly went to a Thursday night yoga class at studio 34. It was called restorative yoga but often ended up being a mix of gentler styles. The class, as well as the whole studio sounds like what you’re looking for — extremely welcoming, flexible approach.

      Hmmm, I may just have to head back over there myself!

  91. isabellebleu +3

    Anyone interested in a music thread?

    I am super stoked because the Screaming Females are coming to my city tomorrow!!! http://screamingfemales.com/ I missed them last time they came through town. Blazing hot punk rock, fronted by a woman with an awesome wail.

    Are you listening to anything awesome today/seeing any good live music soon?

    1. shucksmahoney +3

      I’ve been using a free Google Play Music trial, and it’s enabled me to binge on Sinead, Brenda Fassie, Nanci Griffiths, and RuPaul tracks all July.

      1. isabellebleu +2

        How had I never come across Nanci Griffith before?? This is very, very much up my Women Telling Stories In Song alley. I’m including her in my next mixtape to my mum!

        1. shucksmahoney +1

          She is a wonder! I mean, she had Lyle Lovett on her album cover before he was a star.

    2. amoderngirl +3

      Oh my god, I came to the open thread just so I could post about how excited I am to see Screaming Females on Sunday!! I absolutely adore them and I also have a giant crush on Marissa.

      I’m also going to La Luz’s record release party tonight. I’ve been listening to their new album Weirdo Shrine all day and it is dreamy/creepy/weird in the best way possible.

      1. isabellebleu +1

        I am totally envious!! Wish I could go. I was kind of bummed out to see that the La Luz tour doesn’t include any dates in Vancouver – – pretty sure that they’d draw a crowd here.
        Have you heard the new White Poppy? https://whitepoppy.bandcamp.com/ She juuuust did a short tour but plays, at least around Vancouver, fairly frequently.

        1. amoderngirl +1

          La Luz was good, but I wouldn’t feel too bad about missing them. They weren’t quite as great live as I thought they were going to be. (Screaming Females, on the other hand, are going to be mind-blowing!)

          I hadn’t heard of White Poppy, but I’m listening to her new album now and it seems right up my alley!

          1. isabellebleu +2

            I hope you have an awesome time tonight. Screaming Females were fantabulous, and I had the best time bopping & dancing to their tour-mates Vacation. 🙂

          2. amoderngirl +1

            YAY – so happy to hear that! I caught their surprise live performance on KEXP today and I am even more excited than I already was (which I didn’t even think was possible). Glad you had fun!!

          3. amoderngirl +1

            Update: They were sooo good. It was at a tiny venue and I was in the front, so I was like two feet away from Marissa the whole time. At one point she crowd surfed and I held her up while she played guitar. Amazing show!

  92. Household_Opera +6

    Toasts, I am moving on MONDAY! Everything’s finally in place, thank Cthulhu. I’ve got keys to the new apartment already, so this weekend I’m going to ferry some stuff up there in advance of the movers, and frantically clean the current apartment (“broom clean” is such a quaint phrase, and sounds so easy to accomplish, until you realize just how much furniture you have to move around to get at the dust bunnies under the bed and couch), and eat some weird clean-out-the-fridge meals (today’s lunch: hummus and pita bread, celery, dilly beans, and a hard-boiled egg). And by Monday evening, knock on wood many times, I’ll be in the new place trying to remember which box the dishes and coffeemaker are in.

    Also, those strawberries and that mug of milky tea (or masala chai?) look utterly delicious and I want some of each now.

  93. happysadcat +5

    I don’t think we have a PTSD thread? I had a very awful coworker who was buffered by my wonderful boss, for a LOT of years. (I am an Old). Then he died last autumn and I had to deal with her brand of scary stalky fuckery until I found a new job.

    Which I love, and I love my fantastic supportive coworkers. The only problem is our Overlady is batshit. She’s insecure and encroaching. This week she started haranguing me in email to do something which is distasteful, unethical, and a will take a sizeable chunk of my really busy morning. My direct manager is also insecure and caves to Overlady ALWAYS.

    I had not realized how terrible my experience with the batshit former coworker was, until I had a full-on panic attack thinking about Overlady having power over me and my coworkers. I felt trapped like a bee in a bottle, and my body was terrified. Sweating, heart racing, dizzy, crying like a disgusting crying thing. It took me two tries to get out of the house this morning. It was like a story where you walk out the back door and then somehow find yourself walking in the front door.

    I have been missing my late boss like I did when he had just died (9 months ago now) and in general am an awful mess.

    How do you deal with this sort of thing? Is it even PTSD? I feel like I’m one step away from stopping showering and pushing a shopping cart full of cats up the sidewalk.

    1. testingwithfire +4

      Hi happysadcat, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      You aren’t trapped. Even though you’ve been in New Job only a short while, you can update your resume and start looking. You don’t say what field you’re in, but if there are online channels you can use, use them. I believe people have gotten jobs from Toast posts, so there you go.

      Till then, save crazy Overlady’s emails and your responses to them, document, document, document. Take frequent bathroom breaks if you can. Good luck.

      I recommend the book “Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office,” which advises, among other things, that if the jerk at work is your boss, it’s time to leave the job. The book itself isn’t so much about Climbing the Ladder as it is about emphasizing your strengths and setting good boundaries (i.e. reducing emotional labor).

      1. happysadcat +4

        I’m getting that book from my library branch TOMORROW, thank you so much, testingwithfire. The good thing about my situation is that Overlady has a really big department to torture, and my tiny corner of it is two buildings away. If I can manage my anxiety well, I think I can make a case for not interrupting my essential morning duties to do her dumb/icky task.

        Not trapped, not trapped, not trapped. I might do some theraputic cross-stitch on my commute. NOT TRAPPED.

        I hadn’t thought of the documenting! It is probably borderline abusive to bully the very lowest subordinate in your collection by emailing every five minutes for an hour, now that I think about it.

  94. LaxMom +17

    I have to add (and then I have to get off my butt and put on some concealer and leave the house) that I’ve got own my real life hey ladies thread. My sister in law is a NYC real live Broadway and Movie Actress. They had a destination wedding and it’s coming up on their 10th anniversary so they’ll be renewing their vows in Costa Rica. How do I know this? I’m invited, as well as about 20 other people, and the plans are being made via a facebook messenger group text thread that I can’t get off of. It’s …..interesting.

  95. Ninajulia +3

    Was reading a review of a local professor’s new book “Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men” (http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/08/why-straight-men-have-sex-with-each-other.html?wpsrc=nymag) and came across the following:

    “… if straight people want in on queer life, that’s about something more than homosexual sex. That’s about queer subculture, which is anchored to a long tradition of anti-normative political practices and anti-normative sex practices and appreciation for a much broader array of bodies and kinds of relationships and so forth, and so I think most straight people don’t actually want to be part of it.”

    Does something about that seem off to anyone else? It almost seems heteronormative in itself – like you default as straight and have to pass Queer Studies 101 before you get to call yourself anything else. It seems very possible to me to be gay or bi and to be totally apolitical, have no appreciation whatever for a broad array of bodies, want a traditional breadwinner/homemaker setup, etc. just as much as a straight person. Opinions?

  96. shartbreaker +3

    I’m late but I still wanted to complain!

    So my live-in boyfriend (Troy) is constantly reaching out to his mom and she is always ignoring him. Like, if he tries to take her out for dinner for one holiday, it’ll be almost the next holiday before they meet up. She’s also really manipulative–they’ll talk on the phone and she’ll tell him about something hurtful that happened when he was a baby–stuff that he would have never known and only make him feel bad that she tells him for no reason.

    I have a great job and I recently saved enough to buy a car. Troy is a homemaker, so we share money and assets. After his mom figured out I got a car, she started asking him to come take care of her dogs. She doesn’t offer gas money or food although she asks him to stay whole weekends (and has no food in her house), and she’s never asked me if it’s okay to use my car for this. (Also, the dogs are nasty and not housebroken, so I wouldn’t even want to bring them to my apartment for the weekend.) This is in between her turning down invitations to hang out and even going to places that Troy invited her to with HER boyfriend, or alone, and going on vacations alone and complaining about feeling lonely. She’s even going out on his birthday weekend and asking him to go care for those nasty dogs!

    I don’t really need advice, because I’m done and told him he couldn’t use the car for that anymore. It’s half using my stuff without asking and half being really neglectful to my boyfriend. I just wanted to complain/share/hear similar stories! I’ve heard a bit about narcissistic parents but I think she might fall into that category…

    Edit: as far as Troy is concerned, the car is both of ours, but for other people, it’s my car. Does that make sense? No but it’s how I feel.

    1. happysadcat +3

      First of all, I laughed very hard at your screen name. Next, I feel it might be a safe place to say GUYS AND THEIR MOMMIES UGHH. Dunno why they can’t draw good boundaries, but often it seems harder for the mens to say, “that’s not reasonable, not going to do it.”
      My former husband spent every weekend helping his parents with stuff while our house (and me) needed attention; my current best friend drops EVERYTHING when his probably-borderline-personality Smother calls.
      If I was inclined to seek out a man, I think after asking him about his stand on Animal-Loving Bluestockings I’d ask him about his mom. “She passed away” “You’re IN, dude!”

      1. shartbreaker +2

        HAH omg. I love “Smother”. And I would be really excited for someone with dead parents! I would even be excited for my own dead parents! I hate feeling obligated to family, because it always seems so one-sided.

        I guess men aren’t good at drawing boundaries in general? They don’t really have to as much as girls, and then drawing boundaries with family isn’t even encouraged by society, so I can understand why they’re so bad at it.

        Now he’s like “she’s offering to pay me!” but dude you’re totally missing the point!!

        That reminds me–there’s a really good horror movie called Creep, and the reason it reminded me was because instead of the protagonist being a girl willfully putting herself in bad situations, it was a guy who was apparently unused to drawing boundaries and it drives the plot. A great movie!

  97. spinstersound +4

    i’m looking for good change. newness and all that. forward motion.

    also, more kids in the hall on the toast. if it weren’t for mallory and nicole i may never have rediscovered how utterly exquisite that show is. as a canadian this would be unacceptable, and i am very grateful for their mystical sketch-comedy light. plus dave foley in drag gives me…feelings, so that’s nice.

  98. smiavs +2

    A bit late and perhaps no one’s reading the thread at this point, but any medical people out there? Preeeeettttty sure I broke the smallest toe on my right foot yesterday, but it’s an August Sunday in Paris, which means medical attention would require a trip to the ER, so I’m planning on waiting until tomorrow. It’s rather blue, and the pharmacist thinks I broke it, but what do they even DO for a broken toe? Mostly I’m just annoyed and wanted to vent, but if anyone does know, I’d be interested in hearing. SO not what I needed to add to my to-do list….

    1. shucksmahoney +2

      I am Definitely Not a Doctor, but I think they’d splint your toe. Is it bruise-blue? That happened with my last sprained ankle, and it was scary but apparently normal. Is the blood flowing ok? Also, sympathies, feet-issues are horrible.

  99. kk

    Oh Autobiography of Red was one of the most wonderful books I read in university. Loved loved loved it. BRB, time to go re-read!