If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would send you a selfie every day. Each one would have a dog somewhere in the background.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would gift you a rope bracelet early on in the relationship. When you ask what it is, he would respond intensely, “This could save your life.”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would live in a lovely but sparsely decorated London flat. He would say “Fuckin’ mess, innit?” every time you walked in, regardless of the actual state of it.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would walk into the bathroom only to discover him trying on the new lipstick you bought. When he noticed your presence, he would shrug, give you a knowing smile, and say, “Not my colour.” You would hear the “u” in “colour.”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would never like any of your Facebook posts. Instead, he would go back through every single photo of you dating all the way back to 2003 and comment, “LEGEND” (or occasionally, “fckn LEGEND”).
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would inject quotes mid-conversation, such as, “he thinks he has knowledge, when he has not, while I, having no knowledge, do not think I have.” When you ask where the hell that came from, he would respond, “Socrates! It’s from Apologia!” He would then recite the whole thing from memory.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would quickly accept there’s the way everyone else spells something, and the way Tommy spells something.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would text you to let you know that his phone wasn’t working.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would offhandedly suggest that there should be more movies about women cops, or women gangsters, or women soldiers, and then look at you like he just came up with the most revolutionary idea in history. When you hold his hand and tell him how great his ideas are, he would say, “It’s just obvious, innit?”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would call particular male friends of yours “dear” and “darling,” and you would watch the corners of his beautiful mouth turn up at mention of them.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would have a walk-in closet just for sweatpants, but would own no sweatshirts.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would discover that he owned multiple baby carriers, even if there was never a baby in the house. “I need another one, anyway,” he would tell you. “It rained on that one.”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, “fucking men” would be his response to any complaint you have about any man.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would leave food out by the trashcans for the stray cats, no matter how many times you told him not to. “These are children of the Universe,” he would tell you. And you couldn’t argue with that.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would leave voicemails that start out with some purpose, but within 45 seconds meander off onto some grander existential examination on the subject of the industry, or the garbage construct that is masculinity, or some fucking guy in craft services who was irritating him. Within two minutes he would realize he’s still leaving a voicemail and spend the last thirty seconds apologizing, ending with “you know how it is.”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, your mom would timidly ask about the tattoo poking out from under his T-shirt on his left arm. He would respond by turning around and taking off his shirt, in short order getting bored and checking his phone while everyone in the room gets a good, long look at his back tattoos. When your bewildered mother inquires as to their meaning, he says, “It’s symbolic, you know?”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would lament how terrible he is at knitting, as he keeps dropping stitches. You would lovingly teach him to crochet while binge-watching House of Cards (the British version). In a few weeks, he would send you a selfie of him wearing the scarf he made, with the message, “LEGEND.”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would make you chicken soup when you got sick. When you remind him you’re a vegetarian, he would gaze briefly into the middle distance, whisper “…right”, and then tear out of the house for takeout.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, when he reads your writing projects, he would text you saying “my heart’s just so full right now. such a talent”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would forget to be embarrassed by his bright red sweatpants in public. You would be distracted by how, in his words, it “clinged to his bum.”
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, any time you suggested the two of you should do something, no matter what, it would be met with a solemn and vulnerable “Do you promise?” He would not look away until you did.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would sometimes slip randomly into different accents. When you tried to play along, he would run his thumb over your chin in a completely non-condescending way, and would tell you, “You’re a treasure.”
Tags: beauty, lindsay ellis, love, mara wilson, relationships, tom hardy
I admit, I clicked on this article fully expecting it to just say “PUPPIES PUPPIES PUPPIES fckn LEGEND PUPPIES” over and over again. Some day you’ll learn how to mind-meld with the dogs, Tom Hardy. Some day.
I got to the part about the knitting and swooned back into my chair with my hands over my heart. LORD PRESERVE ME.
omg i am crying
this may actually be the best one yet
O TOM HARDY
There are tears in my eyes and MY HEART IT IS SO FULL
Except, If Prince Were Your Boyfriend is the best one. But this one, so good.
*sees the title*
*sees the authors*
I should have seen this one coming weeks ago.
If Tom Hardy wants to learn to crochet, I will be happy to teach him.
Also, I didn’t know I wanted Tom Hardy to tell me that I am a treasure, but by golly, I really do.
I heard Charlize Theron already tried on the Fury Road set. Apparently he was hopeless and kept dropping all the stitches!
But we wouldn’t have the artificial time constraints imposed by a film production. We just have to find the right dog-themed project to motivate him!
(Alternately, we could do what I said on Twitter, and he could just hold the skein while I wind a ball. That is perfectly acceptable.)
We need to teach him crochet so he can make amigurumi plushies of all the dogs. You’d wake up one day surrounded by a pack of tiny crochet dogs, all of different breeds and sizes.
If Charlize Theron were your girlfriend, she would lovingly knit you a pure white scarf, whiter than snow. When she was done, she would lovingly arrange it around your neck, draping it just so, then stroke your cheek while smiling gently. You would never have the heart to tell her that you dribbled coffee on it the first time you wore it out of the house.
Oh god just all of that! Yes please ma’am!
I just literally squealed in delight at my desk! Luckily, my boss didn’t hear!
Oh my god the Facebook thing. It’s the Most True Fact I think I’ve ever read.
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend he would let you USE HIM AS A RIFLE STAND because you’re a better shot than him and he’s cool with that.
hello, TRIPOD, amirite?
I love everyone in this bar.
*delighted shrieking* THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I joined the Tom Hardy Fandom after TDKR came out and have been enjoying this strange puppy-dog-turned-human person ever since. He’s just so dang cute!! 😀
Tom can already have my closet filled with sweatpants.
Oh. I need a minute. Or two.
aasdjfls;lkfdsjf;lkjljs;lkjffadlkjsdfjf;lkf; ;;
what i am trying to say is PUPPIES
I know, right? I read that first sentence and thought, WHERE DO I SIGN UP.
Relevant to Your Interests:
If Mad Max as Played by Tom Hardy Was Your Boyfriend: http://theresnoearthlyway.tumblr.com/post/1210259…
This reads like it was written by Furiosa. xD
*screams*
If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he would not be intimidated or turned on that you could bench press more than him. He would just nod and be there to spot you. The MRA dudebros at the gym would see this and feel their consciousnesses slowly being raised and then they would go home and do some serious soul-searching and gradually learn to deal with their issues with women/their mothers and do a lot of reading and eventually identify as feminist but not in a Male Feminist kind of way, and would then dedicate themselves to converting every last MRA on the internet until they cease to exist.
I want to go to there.
This is wonderful (as all of these posts are). The thought of daily Tom Hardy dog selfies is probably going to get me through the next two weeks of bar studying.
Related, if you haven’t seen Locke, go find it right now. I think it’s on Netflix and it’s absolutely fantastic.
Oh, his hypnotic voice in that one… I’d have done anything he commanded.
I don’t even know how to process how perfect this is. I might need to just lie quietly on the floor for a while.
I have read every post in this series, patient in the knowledge that someday there would be the One for Me.
This is the One.
There is no way our shared flat would ever be anything but a “fuckin’ mess,” because we’d always have 2-3 more cats/dogs than is sane, since Tom Hardy has never seen a stray he hasn’t taken in, at least to clean up and foster.
Lest anyone live another day without learning the story of how a kitten cotched Tom Hardy…
” there’s this kitten in the road, and I’m like. hey kat whssup? then I had to double take. that’s a small cat as cats go. it’s prolly like a couple months old max. so I’m like hey little fella, and I look about but no one is looking for this thing. so I stopped and turned round and said hey kat where’s your family, and he’s like I don’t know.”
he is a treasure
i’m literally falling apart, my life is over, i can’t go on. help.
Have we considered that maybe he CAN talk to the animals…?
Doctor Doolittle reboot featuring Tom Hardy
Actual Disney Princess Tom Hardy
He gave that kitten a bath, in a bathtub. And the kitten still loved him and wanted to follow him around all the time. Either that was an exceptionally loving and patient kitten, or he truly is the Kat Whisperer.
I’m like no, you don’t understand this is not my kitten, this is God’s child I found in the street prolly belongs to some kid who is crying right now, I don’t want kat, even if I did want kat, I can’t have kat, he has no passport
what is happening to me right now, I can no longer even, not even a little bit
I never get sick of that story. That cat knows what’s up.
THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.
“he is such a dude, and he is very funny and likes to talk a lot cuddle and sleep, plus he follows me everywhere talking romanian, I’m like I live in london dude I have no idea what you’re on about”
“this is not my kitten, this is God’s child i found in the street,”
omg “I can’t have kat, he has no passport”
“how would he earn a living? This kitten is still in short pants, in cat terms”
The kat sleeping on Tom’s belly is the happiest kat in the world, ever.
oh my god OH MY GOD oh my god.
“The language barrier has lifted and now I am a sweet boy with kitten” the old ladies of Romania know what’s UP.
This made my (thus far awfully stressful) day. Thank you.
Ooof, right in the ovaries
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. I didn’t think I could love TH more BUT I WAS WRONG.
This is my favorite Tom Hardy story EVER and I am sad not everyone knows it so thank you. I MEAN: “I’m like no, you don’t understand this is not my kitten, this is God’s child I found in the street prolly belongs to some kid who is crying right now,” “
I read this without noticing the authors, and thought, “I wonder if someone has sent this to Lindsay Ellis, she would love this.” Oh dear.
I’m crying this was the ONE TOO FAR LADIES, ONE TOO FAR
As a rule, I never comment on things on the internet, but I have to break it for this. This is one of the most glorious things I have ever read. Thank you so much for writing this. I am blessed to read it. My eyes are blessed. My brain is bless. You both have given me a treasure.
I could not be happier.
THANK YOU.
Now I have an image of Tom Hardy carrying around puppies in baby carriers, so I’m going to need the rest of the day off.
As soon as I saw the title of the post I thought “Has Lindsay Ellis seen this?” Then I got to the author credit.
This is almost perfect- it needs more pictures of Tom Hardy with puppies. The world needs more pictures of Tom Hardy with puppies.
You know, my Tom Hardy crush had kind of subsided for a while there. No longer. This is just gorgeous.
(Incidentally, the gay male version of this has significantly more “hanging out and flirting with Joseph Gordon-Levitt while wearing a suit”.)
Five thousand up-votes for this.
Okay so I have been on the fence about Tom Hardy since I first heard of him… It’s not that he’s not objectively attractive, but I even saw MMFR while I was ovulating and I’m just not sure I have pantsfeelings for him… But this is starting to tip me over the edge.
He doesn’t do it for me the way some people do, but his love for dogs helps a lot.
Same.
Ooooh, I really really really like Lindsay’s stuff (and Mara is cool too, of course!). Nice to see her on the toast!
Yes, please.
WONDERFUL innit
LEGEND innit
proper fckn LEDGE innit
If Tom Hardy were your boyfried, you’d take him shopping for lipstick that was his color. Then you’d stop by the place where your drag queen friends get their heels, and a Long Tall Sally for a nice plaid circle skirt that could pass as a kilt, and the whole thing would turn into a femme makeover montage. “Should I do that twirling thing?” he’d ask, only half joking, and of course he does it.
yes please?
yesssssssss.
He has a fetish for heels IRL, lord help us
Trust me, I put that in on purpose. I read alllllllll of that interview, and idk whether Hardy’s lowkey nonbinary or just likes feminine stuff, but I want the dude to spread his darling burly femme wings and fly.
LEGEND
“Clinged to his bum”
Not a grammar nazi, just thinking that
“Clung to his bum”
has more…. ASSonance…
I was ready to admonish you for pedantry, but then…. assonance.
Thanks. I… hesitated.
OH YES
I must admit I’ve never really been that into him, but I’d date him just so I could badger him for endless anecdotes about working with Sir Patrick Stewart. “So what’s he really like…?” (rests head on hands)
The regular supply of puppies would also be an enormous draw, of course.
Every time one of these goes up I think “this is it, this is the one” and yet they just keep coming and THIS IS THE ONE, TOM HARDY IS THE ONE.
I had him mixed up with Tom Brady up until about a month ago and like three people had to explain to me that Tom Brady is a football and Tom Hardy is Angry Max and also Bane. I think I get it now.
Oh god, now I’m trying to imagine a Tom Brady/Tom Hardy mashup. I’m a Ravens fan which means that canonically I Don’t Like Tom Brady but I am kind of here for imagining this.
also, loling at “Tom Brady is a football”
(about 75% of my sense of humor consists of referring to various professions by nouns that are involved in that profession. So sports players are “footballs,” nurses and doctors are “medicines,” people who work in publishing are “books,” etc.)
Oh, this makes me think of Wales/The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain: Morgan the Goat, Tom the Football, Tom the Movie.
This
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would have a walk-in closet just for sweatpants, but would own no sweatshirts.
I have to admit this is the first one of the series where I saw “If Tom Hardy was your boyfriend” in my feed and thought “Tom Hardy could be my boyfriend? *swoon*”
If we’re being honest here, I’d mainly harass him to tell me all the best Jessica Chastain stories and all the most awful Shia LaDouche stories in his arsenal from Lawless.
The only thing that could make this better is more pictures of buzz-cut Tom Hardy. I’m so unused to seeing him with flowing, floppy locks! Gimme that close-shorn post-apocalyptic scrapper any day!
WELP
I’LL BE IN MY BUNK
GOODBYE FOREVER
<333333333333333
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he’d never judge you about your unabashed love of Midsomer Murders. In fact, you two would watch all 12 seasons over the course of several weekends and he’d never once say “how can so many people be murdered in one tiny village” or “How many murdered people does DCI Barnaby know” because he understands.
I love Midsomer Murders!
I don’t even have particularly strong feelings about Tom Hardy but dang, this gave me all the warm fuzzies ever. This series just keeps getting better & better.
I want all of this to be true. It has ruined me the same way that “If Stanley Tucci was your boyfriend”. That tiny ache of “if only…”
Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly glum I reread the If Stanley Tucci was your boyfriend one. That article is like my go-to daydream.
^did this earlier this week. Nothing hits me in the feels the way that stupid effing piece of literature does. *deep sigh*
I have done the same thing. I even sent it to my Mom and we both became wistful.
I just want to cuddle Tom Hardy and tell him he is good and kind. Maybe offer to take him to the park to run around.
Re-reading this whole series is one of my go-to coping methods when I get depressed.
I tried reading a few other Toast series to cheer myself up, and let me tell you, you do not want to read all of Mallory’s Children’s Stories Made Horrific during an episode of depression. You will cry. On the bus. It will not be proud.
Oh god. Are you ok now? Asking for real.
I don’t think I would leave Natalie Dormer for Tom Hardy. But this is making me think that I’d entertain the idea. Especially the lipstick bit.
They’re both good people. I’m sure they’d share. And they could use the spare time that leaves in their schedules for me.
nnnnnnnnn
I read this while standing on the tube and I nearly brained myself on a pole because I was physically weak at the knee and rapidly getting short of breath. How dare you directly mine my private imagines for a perfect piece of literature <3
Thank you for further fueling my fantasies…truer words were never said about Tom Hardy. He’s a fkn LEGEND already.
Tom Hardy, GET ON ME NOW
I love him in a pure and good cinnamon roll kind of way. Despite being one of the best-looking people on this planet, he doesn’t totally do it for me either. But I appreciate him as a great guy/fantastic actor and a completely beautiful weirdo.
Did you know that they adopted a dog together and played Scrabble on set all day? I mean you probably do know that already, but isn’t that the most precious?
My mouth actually just went dry reading that. That was everything.
have you been reading my diary again?
I have been obsessed with Tom Hardy since TWO THOUSAND EIGHT. It’s been a LONG relationship, here.
I’m torn between “Stay out of my lipstick!” and “I know just the color for you.”
He was the perfect Heathcliff: sexy, dangerous, and a complete tool.
Uuuunnnnnnnhhhhh
So basically, real life Tom Hardy= fandom Eames? (Not that I know about such things!)
This is PERFECTION. *applauds wildly*
I have an unabashed lust for Tom Hardy that knows no bounds – not even in my workplace environment, which luckily enough is mostly women. When I completed my undergrad this year, they decorated my desk and included a mock-signed photo of Tom Hardy on the seat of the chair! Plus they put shirtless Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park over my computer monitor and covered absolutely everything in photos of Doge. They get me. They really do.
They sound amazing!
You must never leave this amazing workplace of perfection.
>If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would inject quotes mid-conversation, such as, “he thinks he has knowledge, when he has not, while I, having no knowledge, do not think I have.”
I wouldn’t bother asking where he got that from, but simply reply: “Yeah, whatever, mate, I still know it’s your turn to do the washing up, so get to it.” 🙂
Also, I would ADORE having TH as a “voicemail pal” (21st c version of pen pal 🙂 and would treasure those vm’s forever 🙂 🙂 🙂
My beautiful Gay Friend posted this before I could get to it. Being British, i’m not really as charmed as you lot. Wouldn’t say no, but would deffo make him clean up after the damn (cute, but smelly and more awake than me) animals.
I’ve been in love with Tommy about four years now, and…and…well I think I am just going to go back and read this again hoping that it somehow creeps into my dreams. 😛
She would sometimes sneak up behind you and do her Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your House voice, and you'd jump and scream. You'd pretend to be mad, but both of you would know that you weren't really mad.
This is it. This is the one.
LEGEND
He makes a good spy: A Spy in the House of love
I’m baffled. After reading this one I went back and read the Prince one, and this one is The One.
I used to get Tom Hardy confused with Tom Brady too…He is hot on film, weird in life…but that’s okay. Until he would want to borrow my shoes! I love that he loves dogs and puppies. He is a lot like a puppy.
This is So Good that I typed the url out manually in a group text. It never even occurred to me to copy and paste.
Tommy would want it this way
Larwd. You guys need to make this a weekly post, no? I loved reading & daydreaming these! And I want MORE! Please do consider writing more. Found this via Tumblr & had to reblog & comment the authors asap. Hope to read more!
Just let the record show that I still re-read this once in awhile, to help me feel again.