Toasties. Other people’s homes always seem so perfect and beautiful. Especially when people in said homes provide you with endless food and coffee/tea and flowers from the garden. And let you just enjoy it all with your Kindle. The halcyon days of summer, I tell you! What are your favorite flowers? The Bartender can keep none alive, but is partial to lily of the valley. Open thread!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender is in
Oh Toasts. Toasts, I kind of don’t know where to start with this week. Hiding in the comments because, well, stuff and reasons and things.
There is a community-wide event every September that my organization always participates in because hey, we’re a historic preservation nonprofit and the point of the event is to celebrate the town’s history. Well, this year it’s the Saturday before my wedding, and also falls on the weekend when my boss is going to be out of town for a family wedding, so she and I have been trying for months to get it lined up so neither of us would have to plan our presence at the festival or run it or even be there. OR SO I THOUGHT. On Wednesday she dropped an email on me that I was definitely going to have to be there. Fuck’s sake, it’s going to be the first time ever that MrChouffe’s entire family is going to be here at the same time, and we don’t really have all that much time with them. And it’ll be the first time we’ll have seen his mother in four years, during which A LOT has happened. We’re trying to make every possible minute count.
So I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to be able to be there, that I was confident in the volunteer leader and her crew (who, incidentally, would drop the whole thing on my head if she thought I’d be there), and that we would just have to keep things as simple as possible: no frills, nothing extra, just the two things we typically have going for this festival, which each require one email to set up. Boss says she is fine with this. She is clearly not fine with this.
Yesterday she asked me to ask a tenant if she knew anyone that would be willing to come play music during this festival, no pay, maybe bring a tip jar, maybe donate the tip jar back to the organization, to get some exposure or something. You will be proud of my self-restraint, Toasts, in that I did not actually scream at her re: asking artists to work for free, and I sent the email, to which my tenant responded with “That’s kind of BS and I don’t know anyone who I’d ask to come do this with a tip jar, if you want music you should figure out how to pay for it” which is precisely correct. (Fun fact! This article just popped up on my FB feed.)
To add to all of this, I spent a good portion of the week setting up a Facebook page for our 5K, which for some reason doesn’t have one (or a website of its own, or even a part of our larger website dedicated to it) and uploaded thousands of photos from 2011-2015’s events. It was getting some traction, getting some attention, people were tagging their friends and making jokes and engaging and doing all the things you want them to do, and I was very proud of that. At 4:30 yesterday, my boss told me that the page I’d made wasn’t mission-related enough and she was uncomfortable with it and that I should probably take the whole thing down.
(I should sidebar/note that our organizational FB page has some flaws: A) It isn’t something you find if you search for our organization on FB because the page’s name isn’t the same as our org’s name; B) the page apparently exists for her to show off her photography skills, C) when I started this job, said FB page didn’t have the org logo/name/website visible anywhere, ANYWHERE; D) I don’t think that 90% of the people following it have any idea it’s related to our org because it has no/very little content related to mission, so they use it as a generalized check-in and “oh-how-pretty” rather than as someplace to learn about org/mission. And our website is a fucking joke that I do not want to get started on.)
She is telling me to delete hours and hours and hours of work that resulted in a growing, active, happy page because she thinks it isn’t sufficiently mission-related, when the FB page that she runs for us herself has nothing to do with our mission—in fact, she gets angry when I ask her if we can use it to promote events. She thinks that the 5K FB page should start with mission, not have pictures, I don’t know? and my take on it is just different than hers: get the butts in the seats, sell the registrations, be taken seriously as an event—we only have event-invite presence on FB for this and no part of the regular website is dedicated to it, so it doesn’t look like we actually plan this out to be a recurring event—and THEN talk about mission once you have their attention.
So I really didn’t want to come into work today is what I’m saying basically, and then events this morning added to that when one of my tenants called to ask about the film crew that’s taking up the entire parking lot that we were told were coming tomorrow morning at 6am so idk pretty glad that I put in a resume somewhere the fuck else yesterday afternoon. You all might have to talk me out of opening the bottle of wine that’s stashed under my desk.
Wow. I hope you normally like your boss, and this is not typical behaviour for her, because she REALLY SUCKS right now. You deserve all the bottles of wine.
I… I used to like her, I think. Right now, kind of not.
That seems like a pretty reasonable feeling, all considered. No one could expect you to like her right now.
It sounds like you balanced standing up for yourself with the demands of professional civility in a variety of challenging, high-pressure situations, and you can be proud of that.
Yeah, all of that suuuuucks and I would be really mad, too, but it definitely sounds like you acquitted yourself very professionally. Kudos to you!
This is complete and utter BS. The fact that you haven’t stripped off all your clothes, thrown things against the wall, and run through the streets shouting profanities and throwing punches at anything that moves is an amazing testament to your willpower and mental strength.
Given my adrenaline level today (I’ve been in full-on fight-or-flight mode since 8am, every muscle is tensed up, I can feel my heart working really really hard, and I have to keep reminding myself to take deep breaths because autonomic functions have kind of taken a back seat) it’s probably not far off, to be honest.
<silently hands you a corkscrew and a lidded coffee mug for surreptitious wine consumption>
You’re a good friend.
uuuuuggghhh
I’m…not going to try talking you out of the wine. I’m thinking you need to take a sick day so you can apply the only known cure for sobriety.
MrChouffe is trying to get me to leave work early for evening beach and beer, which seems pretty damn reasonable today.
Excellent plan, would you like a note from us excusing you early?
Yes please.
“Boss, I’m headed out, here’s my note from The Internet, they said I could”
PERFECT, PRINTING THIS OUT NOW
Could you guys write me one, too….? Can we all get one?
This sounds like a fantastic plan. This stuff will still suck on Monday but it won’t be such immediate, frustrating, enraging suck. Let the beach & beer wash that part away.
It will suck until 2:00 Monday afternoon, when I leave the office to close our refi and buy wedding rings. 🙂
even better!!
oh my god I am so sorry. I have nothing useful to say, other than to offer you lots of long-distance support, good thoughts, and luck surrounding finding a way OUT OF THERE. Jeez louise. <3 <3 <3
Thank you. I have never ever ever wanted to leave a job so much in my life, and that’s coming from a person with a remarkable knack for finding emotionally abusive managers and has also worked call center for a major health insurance company.
Damn–I’m sorry. That really sucks. I wouldn’t blame you for drinking the entire bottle of wine right now.
AHHHHHH This is ridiculous and you should not have to put up with this. At all. I would probably encourage you to open the wine.
If only you weren’t 500 miles away, dude.
DUDE. If we were in the same place, I would drink with you, you know it.
I’m thinking it would be a pretty frequent occurrence.
Dude. This 100% sucks. When you finish the bottle of desk wine; let’s move on to the bottle of wine I have left over from last weekend.
Good plan. Yes.
p much yeah
i’ve never wanted to watch a gif on repeat more
A TRUTH UNIVERSALLY ACKNOWLEDGED
How do you only have one bottle under the desk?
Leave early. The weather is gorgeous and nothing good happens at work after 1 pm on a Friday.
You’re not wrong.
Holy crap that is insane. Will you have a honeymoon? Keep your eyes on that! Maybe your fiance’s family would like to come to this community event? In any case, good luck and it’s past noon, it’s ok for you to open the wine!!!
We’ll honeymoon in November, probably. And I’ve put my foot down: there’s too much to do that weekend, between family stuff and being six days out from the wedding, for me to come run an event.
I am so glad you put your foot down about this.
And boss’s feelings are boss’s business. You are not being paid to manage her feelings.
No, I’m not. She got pretty passive-aggressive about it when I said no, too: WELL, since you’ve ALREADY made other PLANS. Look, not everyone gets married on their lunch break, I’ve got a bunch of shit to do and like one day to do it because you’ve extended your time off two more days which means I can’t take the time that week to do the shit that needs to get done FOR MY WEDDING, and now I’m by myself in the office for a week and a half and you’ll be getting a temp when I go on honeymoon because you can’t run the office on your own but this will be the FIFTH week that I will have been here on my own so basically
This all sounds awful and there is no way I can discourage you from secret wine drinking at your desk with a clean conscience. I’m sorry it’s all a ball of garbage right now, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for that resume you put in.
Thank you. <3
This story just kept getting worse as I kept reading. To sum up my reaction: What…how…AAAAAHG!!!
I am very sorry that you have to deal with this nonsense and my vote is for beach and beer like, now. I was at Bohemian Road last weekend and the water was super nice….
I can’t believe how amazing the big lake’s been this year. We were in Frankfort last weekend and spent so much time swimming. It was amazing. I think tonight we’ll end up on West Bay just for logistics/time reasons, but that’s OK too. 🙂
Gah, condolences! Your boss (and possibly your organization) seems to be sitting uncomfortably in that awkard uncomfortable place between amateurism and professionalism, and whyyyyy won’t you join her there? As her handmaiden? Willingly placing your life on the altar of her whimsy? And her personal vision of what and how the organization should run? (This is both especially prevalent and systematically toxic in nonprofits and volunteer-heavy groups.)
In the case of the Facebook page for the 5K, sounds like not-my-idea-therefore-bad-idea syndrome, which may be curable by ignoring her, I’ve done that, waiting for idiot boss to wander on to some other pile of nits. About a 50-50 success rate.
Hope you do open that bottle of wine, pour a few ounces, savor them, and after a suitable interval set sails for homeward bound. And have a lovely weekend—it’s the best revenge!
Oh my god you’re watching me, aren’t you.
This is eerie accurate.
Okay. Yes. What I’m saying is that this is a really good description of my boss, who assumes that everyone is super-passionate about the message and that’s what will encourage them to register for a race. Reality is that if the race is well-organized and fun, people will register for it and we’ll get the money whether they care about the cause or not, and we can beat them around the head with it as much as we want to once the check clears. When I say this, she disagrees, but when the chair of our development committee says that we need to guilt-trip [population segment] into sustaining donations rather than appealing to their love of place, she falls all over herself agreeing. That meeting happened in my office today. When the conversation started, I went back to my 5K page and started uploading more pictures; I have “unpublished” the page but it still exists at the moment.
She wonders why I think no one in the org takes me seriously, too.
Does anyone want to talk with me about how amazing Carly Rae Jepsen’s new album is and how incredibly glad I am that it’s finally out in the US???
If not:
1) if you enjoy bright pop music at all you should give it a listen (especially “Your Type” and “Boy Problems” and “Gimmie Love” and “When I Needed You” and ugh just all of it really, it’s so great)
2) What else has everyone been listening to this week? I’ve listened to a lot of Grace Potter’s new album, Kacey Musgraves’ new album, and I’ve thrown in some Florence + the Machine here and there to mix things up.
(Also lilies are by faaaaar my favorite kind of flower. All types of lilies. There are all beautiful to me)
Hurray for lilies and thank you for the music rec! I love pop music and will be tracking that down today.
I adore Carly Rae! As I said earlier in the week on twitter, I especially enjoy watching the video for “Run Away With Me” and headcanoning it bi. <3
Thanks for the recommendation, I love bright pop music!!
Somehow I missed Fiona Apple’s 2012 album and I’ve been listening to it all week. Every album of hers has at least one song that does something weird and irreversible with my brain (and I like it) — usually its her lyrics, but this album has “Hot Knife” which is just whoa.
If you have not already seen it, please seek out the music video for “Hot Knife” which is directed by Fiona Apple’s ex and features intense lingering shots of her singing and seething.
Whoa!
I keep trying to like Grace Potter so hard. I mean she went to the same school as my brothers and she’s the biggest thing to come out of this area since Ben and Jerry’s and I have seen little girls pretending to be her, but… I don’t know. None of her music has done it for me yet. I need the new Carly Rae though.
UM YES I got the “your pre-order is ready to download!” email this morning and it made my commute GREAT. I’ll listen to the second half on the way home but idk what’s going to top my pre-release faves, Warm Blood and E-Mo-Tion. Suuuch a solid pop album.
Speaking of bubblegum pop:
1) Have you listened to Little Mix’s stuff? Black Magic is such a jam. Debating pre-prdering their album, too.
2) Did anyone notice the JoJo tringle drop yesterday??
Gah I keep meaning to listen to more Little Mix because Salute is my JAM but I haven’t gotten around to it; I’m putting that on my list of things to do this weekend!
Despite the fact that I had almost never listened to it before this week (I had managed to avoid hearing it until ages after it was released), I have actually been listening to “Call Me Maybe” on extended repeat this week; the dissertation-writing process is doing really weird things to my brain and music-related desires. Also, stuff from the Fury Road soundtrack, to psych myself up.
Marina and the Diamond’s newest album, Froot. I OD’d on Kelly Clarkson this past week as well since last weekend I went to her concert with my sister.
What’s this I hear about JoJo??
TFIF, everyone. This lovely fall weather in August is not good weather for like having a job and stuff?
I am just gonna spam this thread one more time for Chicago Meetup! Tuesday the 25th, 6:30, Violet Hour. Let us toast with cocktails.
Yes indeed, I would much prefer being at the beach today. Alas.
Do people plan to be there for awhile? Or will there be other late Toasts?
I will not be there until about 7:30, but I do plan to pop in and see if any Toastfolk are still about.
Nice! I’m there. How are all of us going to find each other?
Sounds like some folks have Toast t-shirts! I’ll bring a sign or something.
Foster Dog Update!
Roxy finally has a home! The guy in NC checked out and he wants Roxy so she is going home soon. The rescue group decided we would do the transport as a group instead of using outside help so the first weekend we can all do it is in two weeks. Two weeks from today Roxy starts her trip home. We are happy to finally have a home for her and look forward to having just the two dogs again but we will miss her.
Hi Toasties,
This might be a weirdly personal thing to ask, but I feel like readers of this blog might have some answers. I’m dating a man for the first time in my life, and I am finding it impossible to believe that he’s attracted to me. I’m not what one might call conventionally attractive, and I am finding that after being steeped in years of personal criticism from family and peers and the portrayals of how to be an attractive woman in American culture, I just can’t fathom how a man could be attracted to me. Before this guy, I dated women and it was a lot easier on me because I felt like there were fewer rules that dictated how to be a attractive queer woman. Now I have this very sweet boyfriend who respects me and listens to me and is a great match personality-wise, and whose attraction to me I undermine at every opportunity. Whenever he compliments the way I look, I do complicated mental gymnastics to prove to myself that it couldn’t possibly be true. He’s pretty anxious about sex, which is something he’s working on, and every time it comes up, I note it as proof that he’s not actually interested in having sex with me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to chip away at a relationship that for the most part works really well. I’m also so sad to discover that underneath my tough as nails adult woman exterior is an unhappy pre-teen who is terrified of another person telling her she’s ugly. Has anyone else come up against this? How did you find a way to look at yourself in a loving way instead of a hyper-critical one? How did you divorce your understanding of your looks from the way society tells you you “should” look?
Thanks for reading this big ol’ block of text and thank you for any suggestions.
Aww. Internet hugs if you want ’em!
This is not EXACTLY related, but one of the things I struggle with is being contradictory – if someone says something that I disagree with or feel that one tiny little detail is false, I will immediately open my big mouth and say so. Sometimes it’s just arguing for the sake of it, or playing devil’s advocate. I do it with friends and coworkers and family and just EVERYONE, and it’s ugly and pointless. So I’ve had to start mentally correcting/adjusting for it, taking more time to respond and trying to at least start by agreeing, and if it’s really worth it I will slowly bring up a counterpoint in a non-confrontational way.
All this to say that the mental correction and the internal adjustments have been really helping me, and maybe you can start small with something like that. When your boyfriend compliments you, or initiates sexytimes, and you can feel that small voice inside of you starting to (silently, internally) disagree or performing acrobatics, you could recognize that voice for what it is, and try to move through it into the part of your brain that knows that you ARE attractive — even if not “conventionally, which, fuck the notion of conventional attractiveness, where has that gotten us as a society? — and worthy of other people finding you attractive as well.
Best of luck! i hope this was a little helpful 🙂
It is! Thank you so much for responding. I think you’re right about internal adjustments. I thought for awhile that he never complimented me before I realized that I just immediately dismiss and devalue the compliments he does give me. So I guess at this point I am trying to just notice that he does say nice things about the way I look, and the next step will be to accept them as true or mostly true?
I used to contradict compliments from my partner every single time. It was unhealthy for me, and really frustrating for him. I started just saying “thank you” and smiling, and keeping all my negative retorts to myself. After awhile it became more natural, and I started being able to actually hear his kind words more. Good luck!
if someone says something that I disagree with or feel that one tiny little detail is false, I will immediately open my big mouth and say so.
This is such a great comment because uuuuuuugh I am working on this too and it is soooooo haaaaaaaaaaard.
trying to at least start by agreeing
WHY IS THAT SO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD? Seriously, self, GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Ugh.
Right? How arrogant and self-assured must I be to behave this way, and how did I get here?
Hey! Those are all really legitimate feelings that I think a lot of people have, myself included!
Three things to keep in mind: a) your boyfriend keeps saying that you’re attractive, and since he sounds like a really nice guy I have a hard time believing that he’s a Lying McLiarpants; b) you’ve dated other people who ALSO thought you were attractive, and I refuse to believe that all of them were liars as well; and c) conventional beauty is a generalized construct of the media and BILLIONS of people do not conform to it and BILLIONS of people love people who do not conform to it. Like, pretty much all of us.
In terms of ridding yourself of your preteen anxieties, a stock answer might be go a long way to making you both more comfortable. When he says, “I love your [insert physical characteristic]” try saying “Oh, thanks!” rather than rejecting the compliment. It’s a sign to him that you appreciate that he is making an effort to make you feel good, and it’ll – eventually, hopefully – stop you from focusing on your perceived flaws rather than the fact that someone loves them.
The final thing – sex. Sex is hard. Screw anyone who says that sex is easy or that it’s the barometer by which you must measure your relationship. Since he’s anxious, maybe this is a chance for you to flip the tables and be the complimentary one. You have the chance to do something that often gets ignored – you can take it slow. BAM! HOT SEX doesn’t happen right off the bat. Learning about each other in the boudoir can take a long time, and there’s no formula for what success will look like there. Being comfortable with each other sexually is something that you can work together on. Plus, it’s a lot of fun.
Good luck! You can do this, because you are gorgeous.
Ah, thank you for mentioning sex. When I started dating this guy, I was apprehensive about having sex with a man and several of my straight friends said things along the lines of, “Don’t worry! Men are so much easier to please than women!” As you can probably guess, this has not been the case for me and I’m still working on adjusting my expectations. I appreciate how hopeful your comment is in that regard.
People do men a real disservice with this myth. Men are just as challenging to please as women are-a penis is made up of the exactly the same building blocks as a clit and vagina, there’s still a mind body connection issue for men as well as women, PLUS there’s the fact that the myth is that men are such simple sexual creatures and that sex is so intrinsic to their worth that they get so messed up when it’s not going well. Not only that but and this is a huge overgeneralization, men tend to train their bodies to react best to their hands and so often I think the thing they do with their hand is hard for other body parts to do. Men aren’t machines of sex, they’re humans with complex relationships to their bodies and self images just like women.
If I had to make one suggestion to help someone who is sexually anxious, it’s probably the mantra, “You can’t make me come.” This is based on personal experience only, but I find it takes so much pressure off and moves it around the other direction. The idea is the person who isn’t having an easy time climaxing, thinks about how they will “win” if they don’t, and the other person can try their best to get them off for as long as they like, but it’s not going to work, thanks for trying…etc. Even if they win, it tends to feel hotter than sitting there thinking, “ugh just try and come, try and come”. Also when the person who can’t come gives up, its their turn to try and get their partner to come.
The other part is to just take away the fraught feeling like, “oh shit, it’s BROKEN”. Ask each other if things feel good, ask what your partner liked or didn’t like, ask after sex which parts were hot and tell him what things were hot for you- this might be hard when you aren’t a big compliments person, but some of this anxiety might be around the whole “women are complicated, and she’s had other women being experts on her, and I’m a fumbling man”- so throw it back there- I loved what you did with your hand, that was so sexy, I’d like if it you licked me here, etc.
Ok, jeez, this feels like a filthy column reply now. But I have definitely been with more than one dude who freaks himself out about sex. Its not rare, and its one of the great cruelties of hetero maleness, that this brings SO MUCH shame.
This is all super great advice. It’s really, really not rare for dudes to have sex issues! But I’ve found it’s extremely rare for them to talk about so they all think they’re the only one which causes the anxiety and stress to skyrocket. The patriarchy hurts everyone!
Amen! I always think about when you see a guy go for a 3rd glass of booze at some function and I think, “welp that’s probably it for him and getting laid tonight.” That equipment is sensitive equipment.
Okay, I have feelings about this, and hopefully helpful words. How you’re feeling is perfectly understandable.
I am also unconventionally attractive (facially), and have a body type that was not appreciated in the culture in which I grew up (big butts, anyone? plus small tits). I was not into athletics, which might have helped me like my body more. I don’t feel like I ever hated my body, but I vividly remember the moment, when I was 9 or 10 years old, when I was looking in the mirror and realized with embarrassment and dismay that my butt was so big and my stomach stuck out too much and I should cover these things up henceforth.
That impulse gradually faded through to the end of high school, but I still never found myself attractive.
It took my first serious boyfriend (age 18 to 25) telling me soooo many times that I was beautiful–because he truly found me so–before I started to believe it. It took my next serious boyfriend, a year later–really more of a lover–telling me, in detail (and showing me!), how sexy I am, over and over (and hasn’t worn off in over 5 years) before I really started enjoying myself as a sexual, and sexually attractive, being.
It doesn’t hurt that neither of these guys, whom I love(d) physical affection and sex with, whom I love(d) to see and be with, are of a physical ideal I love to look at. The attraction was quick with my lover, took a few weeks of being around him to develop with my first boyfriend. Actually found him weird-looking when I first met him, then I crushed hard. It’s the whole package, I guess, of personality and pheromones and appearance and etc., that makes attraction for me.
Oh, also, I had NSA sex once with a guy I’d chatted with a few times at a bar, with whom a mutual physical desire had developed. I didn’t find him beautiful, either, or even cute, but I found the whole experience very enjoyable. And that kind of solidified my confidence, knowing that if I want to I CAN pretty easily pick up a guy and enjoy equivalent attraction and a mutually satisfying sexual experience. That kind of changed my life, my sense of myself as an adult. In a good way.
Well, don’t know if that helps, but, maybe it does.
You do you, you’re awesome and you can get and enjoy what you deserve if you allow yourself. Good luck!
I don’t have _exact_ parallels for this, since i have been in a relationship with an awesome dude for quite some time, but I know where your feels are coming from; my formative “this is what you look like” incident happened in Grade 9, when the popular boy who was discussing how easy it would be to get the ugly girl to go out with him asked me out. It took an awfully long time to get over that.
For me, it started with changing thinking i was “ugly” to thinking i was “not conventionally attractive”, which then became “whatever, man, I am a hot tomale”. I think a lot of this came of reading Julia Serano’s “Whipping Girl”, which talks a lot about femininity and how it is demonized. Just a few years ago i _finally_ owned that I am, in fact, femme, and that that is frigging well ok, and that it is not mutually exclusive with some of my favourite looks. I’m not suggesting that this is the way to go, for you – we all have different presentations – but for me, a lot of anxiety about my appearance disappeared when I was no longer judging barrettes and bows and stockings and skirts as “too girly” and dismissing them. (I still hate stockings, tho. They are the work of satan.)
My latest challenge has been accepting the compliment, because we are so socially conditioned not to; it’s vain or immodest or whatever.
The best brain re-wiring I ever did was learning to employ gender neutral pronouns without screwing it up and correcting myself. This took several months of, while falling asleep, constructing REALLY BASIC sentences with gender neutral pronouns. Perhaps something similar might work with affirmations? For example, imagine the bf saying “I love your nose” and you replying with “well thank you, it is adorable, isn’t it?” while beaming a delighted smile?
Thank you so much for the suggestions 🙂 I will try the thought exercises; that seems like a really doable change I could make. I also just discovered my library has “Whipping Girl”, so maybe I’ll check that out too!
🙂 I hope you like it!
I just saw your comment above re: sexxxy timez. I didn’t touch that because it is a whole nother kettle of fish, but remember that you are learning, as is he. Take is slow is the best advice ever, and try to ensure that you are a) talking about all of the things and b) enjoying yourself. Both of you should allow enough space to be able to say “this is it, for now”, and know that it is about you, not the other person, and that “this is it, for now” will sometimes morph into “MOAR PLEASE” and sometimes not.
Carl Sagan said that he liked sex while smoking marijuana. Far be it from me to advocate the consumption of illicit substances, but it is a GREAT way to relax and just enjoy touches, which is itself a GREAT way to become much more comfortable in one’s skin. Or so I imagine, because illegal.
My answer to starting to believe that I was pretty is not a healthy one – I worked somewhere where there were a lot of men who flirted with me, and more than once that flirtation spilled over into outright sexual harassment.
BUT, here are some thoughts:
1) there are a LOT of ways to be attractive and to be attracted to someone. Our mainstream idea of what is “beautiful” in a person is very narrow, and does not even begin to touch the broad spectrum of human beauty or of human sexuality. What one person finds irresistible, another finds off-putting, etc. Just because you don’t think you fit into the narrow box of “attractive” that the mainstream media has created does not mean that you are not attractive! Clearly you are, as more than one person has been attracted to you!
2) It is REALLY hard sometimes to feel sexy/beautiful/whatever if your partner has sexual hang ups. It is likely that at some point, you have had a day when you were not particularly interested in sex with a partner, even though you found said partner attractive. Remember that his hang ups are about HIM, not you.
3) He is not actually required to tell you that you are pretty. Ir he is offering you spontaneous, unsolicited compliments, they are genuine. Even if you disagree with his assessment, you must accept that he means them. Part of being in a relationship is acknowledging that your partner’s feelings are real and legitimate and valid, even if you do not understand them. He feels that you are attractive. Accept that.
4) One thing that has really helped me is posting selfies. I know that sounds dumb, but when I post a good selfie to Twitter or Facebook and it gets a ton of likes, it makes me feel good. And the Toastie Twitter community means that selfies are pretty much guaranteed to get faves. Plus, then I have really cute pictures of me to look at and remind me of how pretty I really am on those days when I am not feeling it.
5) Instead of looking at yourself and criticizing things, try to find at least one thing to praise about yourself. “My hair looks good today” or “my legs are really strong” or whatever. These can be aesthetic qualities or functional ones (or both!), but work on seeing the positive things. Practice doing this with other people too! When you see someone in public, find something good about them (you don’t have to say it to them). And when you see someone who looks really good, work on seeing that as inspiration, not competition – don’t think “ugh, she’s so much prettier than I am”, think “wow, she is really rocking that hairstyle, I wonder if it would look good on me?”
The whole thing is a process, and the media is conspiring against you at every turn, because it benefits companies for women to feel insecure about their appearance so that they spend money to look better, and it benefits the patriarchy for women to feel insecure because then we put up with more shit from men, but you can fight back, in little ways, every day.
Even if you disagree with his assessment, you must accept that he means them. Part of being in a relationship is acknowledging that your partner’s feelings are real and legitimate and valid, even if you do not understand them. He feels that you are attractive. Accept that.
*scribbles notes madly*
My first suggestion is to limit media exposure. (And also exposure to any friends or family who are criticizing you, obvi!) In movies and on TV basically only “hot” women have successful hetero relationships. Which is nothing like real life! And even though you’re not consciously applying TV logic to your personal life it has a way of creeping in there somehow. On the proactive side, pay attention to your friends and family. Are they all conventionally attractive? Probably not! But you probably think they’re beautiful and you would be flabbergasted if you heard them talk about themselves the way you talk about yourself. I bet some of your friends and family aren’t conventionally attractive and are in relationships where their partner(s) finds them attractive and sexually desirable! Somehow it’s easier to see these things when you look at other people rather than trying to apply them to yourself. After you’ve looked at friends and family, start looking at strangers. Challenge yourself to find at least one beautiful thing about every person you see. Challenge yourself to stop having negative thoughts about other people’s bodies. Eventually it should become easier to see the beautiful things about yourself and the negative voices in your head might even quiet down.
Also this is brilliant and correct. Stop reading women’s magazines, stop watching any TV except that one geeky thing you secretly love, read only books by and about women doing kick-ass shit, and practice being kind to everyone in your head, including yourself.
This is great advice, and I would add this: seek out alternative media that celebrates non-conventionally attractive women, if possible. When I gained weight I had a lot of insecurity, but seeing photos on tumblr of fat babes looking hot and living their lives made a world of difference to how I saw myself and others. It’s one of things that made me realize just how much media affects us, noticing that shift in myself.
An alternative school of though that I see out there is trying to rewire our brains to deprioritize how important beauty and attraction are for determining self-worth. Women get a double whammy of “you’re only worth something if you’re conventionally attractive!” and “here’s the one narrow way that you can be attractive, all other ways are incorrect.” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feel beautiful and love your body, but it is interesting how much weight we put on that compared to other factors (compassion, skill, kindness, etc.).
Oh man that is a hard place to be in, mentally. Others have given you good advice, but I’d like to add one more thing –
it isn’t easy, but you could practice believing him? He seems to be correct on a variety of other issues, and if he says he likes a thing you have or are or do, he’s probably pretty sure that, in fact, he does like it, and you.
Also, and this is incredibly hard, say thank you. Full stop. Not Thank you but – and not Thank you, really? and certainly not Are you blind that you cannot see these faults???
A lot of this gets easier with practice, and sometimes therapy can help the underlying stuff while you practice the surface responses.
“I’m also so sad to discover that underneath my tough as nails adult woman exterior is an unhappy pre-teen who is terrified of another person telling her she’s ugly.”
In relationships, romantic or not, we’re always being vulnerable to someone, and being scared is totally normal.
I’ve found it really helpful to accept I can be two things at once, or one thing at one time, and another thing at another. You can be terrified and tough as nails. Some days, I am pleased with my life and who I am, excited for something, and other days, I feel crushingly sad and lonely. This is all part of being a person instead of a character.
“I’m also so sad to discover that underneath my tough as nails adult woman exterior is an unhappy pre-teen who is terrified of another person telling her she’s ugly.”
I think you would be astounded at the number of unhappy preteens to be found lurking beneath adult woman facades. Don’t let this lead to making yourself feel bad for feeling bad! And remember: without vulnerability there is no intimacy.
That sounds hard. I have different issues, but I relate to doing complicated mental gymnastics in response to seemingly straightforward statements.
One of the most useful things I learned in therapy, and continue to have to relearn, is that feelings are not facts. I may FEEL like someone is just saying something nice to make me feel better but that doesn’t mean it’s objectively true (and it doesn’t mean it’s not true either). One of my old therapists would have me list evidence to either support or disprove my feelings (frex, how many people agree with my self assessment and how many people agree with the compliment giver?).
Recently I’ve started quietly and firmly stating the main fact of a situation when I notice that I’m caught up in an emotional reaction (my partner is talking, my mother asked me a question, etc). Not to say that feelings are bad or facts are better, but sometimes separating them out makes it easier to process big tangled reactions.
And in the same vein, mindfulness has also helped me, although it’s slow, incremental progress. But mindfully, compassionately, non-judgementally noticing what’s going on has helped me – frex, I’m noticing that my boyfriend complimented me and I don’t believe him (or, I’m noticing that I’m commenting on The Toast instead of applying for that job).
I’m currently wrestling with the idea that you have to honor all of your coping skills, even the ones you don’t like, especially if you want to change them. And that recognizing what you get from a behavior is the only way to change the behavior. So maybe think (gently) about what, if any, benefits you get from not believing his compliments.
Ymmv, of course. And congrats on dating a guy you like! (And yay for another bi Toasty).
I relate to this SO HARD. When I first started dating Mr. Ada, I would occasionally explodecry because, more or less, I could not see how such a lovely person would want to be with a fat, cranky, misandrist with a mountainous pile of emotional baggage, mostly made of childhood trauma and body and self-esteem issues. It was really surprising to me because I’ve been working so hard and long at being less critical of myself, and hadn’t really had to confront.those issues so intensely or directly for a long time. I was kind of pissed (and also tired to death) that I had to confront them yet again.
I started to write a bunch of things about all the little mind judo I do to circumvent the negative thought patterns. I have a bunch and I’ve been doing them for a long time. But as I was writing them out, I realized that it was actually making me feel anxious. Like, here are all the ways I fix myself so that I don’t scare my man away with all my inconvenient feelings.
I think in past relationships, I had made myself as small as I could, emotionally, to make up for the sin of being fat, or whatever else sin of being less or wrong I chose to focus on that day. If I couldn’t be perfect, I could at least be easy: no inconvenient needs or emotions or anything. When I had crysplosions in front of Mr. Ada, it freaked me out, because I thought I was breaking the deal–I was being difficult so it was logical for him to leave. But he didn’t. He wasn’t there because I was “easy”–he was there for me–the actual me, that is difficult and weird and emotional sometimes. He let me have the room to take up–I don’t have to carve out a little corner in the relationship to be grateful for.
I still work on the self-esteem stuff, because I don’t want to be unloving to myself. It hurts. But the reason my relationship is working for me is not because I’ve fixed myself. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I will probably always be this way at least a little–I had a shit childhood. I still have these bolts of panic sometimes that I need to fix myself to deserve this kind and loving partner. But the relationship works anyway because my partner lets me be a human with problems and I’m slowly learning to do the same for myself. I don’t know if I’m reading stuff into your post, so please to ignore if I’m way off base. But I wanted to say maybe be patient with yourself for not being perfect. It’s OK to have feelings and to be difficult sometimes. It sounds like you give this gift to your partner–if he’s worth it, he’ll give you the same return.
a lot of good ideas already– I wanted to mention practice. I don’t know how to say it except: practice having your face / body. Look at yourself in the mirror and say “hey gurl”– you don’t have to complement yourself if you don’t feel like it at first. Just practice accepting your reflection. Actually, maybe practice without a mirror, just focus on your body and how you feel. Then once you feel a little more used to yourself, have a lipstick party (by yourself), try on all your makeup and make kissy faces at the mirror, laugh if it looks silly and wash it off, no judgment, try again. Just, I dunno, hang out with your face, get used to it, pretty soon you’ll be all “damn I’m hawt today” before your boyfriend even sees you. You’ll still have those “WTF IS GOING ON WITH MY HAIR” days but you won’t take it so personally 🙂
that would not ever have occurred to me, and I love it!
I responded above, apparently not directly to your original post though. Best wishes.
Oh, also, I pay extra special attention to, and even collect, lovely images I come across of women with my body type, especially if I find them erotic. Also I sometimes (discreetly!) appreciate women IRL who have some similarities in appearance to me. Doing these things reinforces my own joy and confidence in my body in all its physicality.
Hair thread? Hair thread!
I’m having Mr. Table cut my hair tonight. He’s cut my hair before, but that was when it was long and basically all one length, and when he was done it was still long enough so that I could put it in a ponytail if it hadn’t come out right, so that was pretty low risk, even though he has no hair training to speak of.
He’s taking it from shaggy mess back to a pixie.
This will either be AMAZING and my hair will be more awesome going forward because i’m bad at scheduling haircuts (expensive! awkward! rarely worth what i pay! good places are out of the way!), or it will be sort of a disaster.
But, as i whispered to him last night as i was supposed to be falling asleep, “If it turns out horrible, we’ll just buzz it and I’ll say that it’s in honor of the first women rangers.”
Wow, that is some trust and confidence right there. I look forward to seeing pics!
My hair looks particularly fantastic today but alas, black hair photographs for shit. You’ll just have to take my word for it. It looks like a bouncy bird next all the way down my back and makes me happy every time I catch a glimpse in a mirror or window (I am a fan of shaggy mess on myself). Hurray for happy hair days!
Hair thread!!
Honestly, pixie cuts are probably the easiest to do at home, especially if you have someone else do it and you aren’t just guessing at what the back of your head looks like. If things take a turn for the disastrous, you can just make it look…avant garde?
I’m due for a cut but I just moved to a new city and finding a new hairdresser is THE WORST but I had such a great one before I moved that I’m afraid to go back to cutting my own, so I’m, uh, “growing it out”.
If things take a turn for the disastrous, you can just make it look…avant garde?
omfg I didn’t realize until just now that this was my strategy for every haircut, professional or self-cut, from age 14 to age 24.
Honestly, I even altered my clothing and makeup during bouts of particularly interesting hair in order to make the excuse more plausible. It worked! Or, at least, no one said anything.
It was also my approach to clothing & makeup*, but I knew that. I made a lot of my clothes as a teenager, most of them not from patterns, which meant both that it was a lot easier to acquire unusual silhouettes and that it was a lot easier to camouflage the occasional error in sewing/judgment with intentionally odd cuts and biases. Punk rock, new wave, and goth were a godsend to me, and not just for musical reasons.
*which explains why, as a grown-up, I wear only the tiniest smidge of makeup even for the most formal occasions. I modeled my eye shadow techniques on drag queens and punk rockers, and that’s not the look I’m going for at a gala dinner or my own wedding. I keep promising myself I’ll learn more conventional styles, and I keep not doing it.
I’ve enjoyed using a lancome palette i got for my wedding makeup, that comes with day and night paint by numbers guide. Gets lots of compliments but I have not managed to successfully transfer the technique to any other set of shadows.
Half the people in my lab cut their own hair, which is something I can’t imagine, but it’s always turned out nicely on them.
I’m growing out my hair until I defend my thesis, so it’s going to be hella long. I’m thinking of donating it once I finish, assuming it’s long enough but we shall see.
I recently asked a friend with gorgeous long wavy layers where she gets it cut (as I grow out my hair, it’s changed from a get-it-cut-anywhere-it-looks-great bob to finicky long waves that require a deft hand), and she floored me by saying she’s been cutting it herself all year.
wha? how? it? no? gorgeous? If I tried that (AND I HAVE, SEVERAL TIMES, I EVEN BOUGHT SPECIAL SCISSORS AND A RAZOR COMB) it would look like someone came at me with sharp spoons.
I have a sister that cuts her own hair, but no way will I do it. My gal is amazing at reducing the bulk, just thinning out so much hair (I have so much that if it’s too long it causes literal headaches) and that’s something I couldn’t do on my own
[home haircut high five] I’m gonna try shaggy mess-to-pixie this weekend or next week. I give myself this haircut pretty regularly (it’s short enough that it drives me up a wall as soon as it starts getting shaggy) but there’s usually a few days of awkward transition before it grows/resettles enough to hide the mistakes, haha. Whatever, it’s free & SO MUCH LESS AWKWARD than a haircut place, I have never liked them.
I just cut my own hair this morning! Granted, it is something I do pretty regularly, as I’m trying to go from a pixie to the shaggy-on-top, very-short-on-sides undercut that is really just a mohawk for cowards, and I don’t want to pay a salon for it.
Do you have clippers? I assume yes? They make pixie-trimming very easy. I use the #6 guard for the back and sides. I’m still too scared to touch the top/bangs on my own, so I do occasionally have to pay a professional for that.
Good luck; I bet you’ll love it.
I think that’s the haircut I really want (the mohawk for cowards/the mohawk that can fake being just a really-short-on-the-sides pixie for office job reasons), but I have a fear of attempting to use clippers on myself—I have images in my head of somehow accidentally doing something very wrong and irreversible. How foolproof would you say it it is for someone terminally clumsy?
(That’s basically the haircut I have, for what it’s worth. It’s just been a couple months since I cut it, so it’s grown out a bit especially on the sides/back, but all the basic architecture is still there and intact.)
They are suuuuper easy to use! I never once cut a single ear off, and I’m clumsy as hell.
This gives me hope! I’m astronomically uncoordinated and had a fear of causing some kind of Van-Gogh-with-a-tonsure situation.
I find the clippers very easy, actually. My one tip would be to ignore the ear guards, if you buy a clipper set that comes with such things. The couple of times I tried to use them, I ended up with a weird bald spot behind one ear. The regular guards are pretty foolproof though.
How did you describe that particular haircut when you went in to get it, btw? I apparently don’t speak salon, so I can never get my ideas across to stylists.
I ended up taking in a picture I found somewhere in the depths of Google (which I didn’t save of course and don’t remember what search terms I used to find) that was vaguely similar to what I wanted, and then went in and said, “I want this, but different.” And then attempted to express which bits I wanted different and how.
Luckily, the couple people I’ve had cut my hair have asked questions to clarify too, so that helps, because I am not the best ever at describing things out loud.
And from there, I basically just hoped that I could trust their judgment with my head. (It also helps that I generally have an “as long as it looks pretty good, I’m not too rigid about the specifics” approach to haircuts. It’s like three steps below wishing you could just go in and say, “Surprise me.”)
HAIR. I am excited about hair, because months ago the Toasties convinced me that yes it was definitely a good idea to have fun bright colored streaks put into my dark brown asymmetrical bob and then… I got laid off. Well this week I started my new job, and it is definitely casual enough for fun colored hair, and I am going to talk to my stylist about doing PURPLE PEEKABOO STREAKS in my hair sometime in the near future!!
Please share pics/how it goes! I want peekaboo streaks in my hair too but I always wimp out on asking when I am at the salon for a cut.
Will do! I don’t think we’ll manage to actually schedule it until some time in September.
Ooo, that sounds awesome! I might go for peekaboo streaks in my light brown bob once I decide on a color.
I’ve got an undercut, and my boyfriend helps me with regular trims… I keep asking him to take it up further and further. At this rate I will have buzzed it completely within a few months. 🙂
I just chickened out of getting an undercut because I couldn’t *quite* visualize what my day-to-day hairstyle would be. I have pretty curly hair and I just couldn’t figure it out. I have very poor visual imagination though.
I’ve got thick, semicurly hair and I went through an undercut phase! It honestly worked really well– It was so nice to get rid of some volume, and the waviness made it a surprisingly versatile haircut.
Seconding the above comment re: volume reduction. I have a ton of hair (albeit mine is wavy at best) and it felt great to get rid of some of it. Also, since I have a bob, getting rid of the baby pieces at the back actually means that I can put it in a ponytail again.
I definitely spent a lot of time looking up “undercut bob” “undercut asymmetrical bob” “undercut wavy” etc on Pinterest. Verdict: undercuts pretty much always look great on everyone and you should get it.
Ooh, yay, good luck with the haircut!
I just had mine done. I really needed it but unfortunately it’s now a bob and I realised I look like a middle-aged mother. Which I am, but I kind of resent looking like one. Does that make sense?
I cut my boyfriend’s hair a couple of weeks ago! I was very pleased with myself because I have never cut anyone’s hair before except for my mother’s once (an occasion when I discovered hair’s propensity to slip sideways resulting in an uneven cut). He kept consoling my anxiety with “We can always buzz it down if it doesn’t turn out” but I wound up doing one of those vaguely male-modelish cuts where it is quite long on top (short enough to fluff up) and then about an inch long on the sides.
Does it hurt hair to cut it with regular scissors? I heard it creates split ends….we went to look at Safeway’s hair-cutting scissors and they looked identical to ours, so we just used the ones we had.
Trying to decide if I should re-henna my hair!! I start a new job in 3.5 weeks so now is the optimum time to dye it and wait for the enthusiastic orange tone to subside. It is growing out blonde on top and the sides are this lovely pale copper-gold which I would like to emulate. But I am unsure if I want the maintenance now that I am starting at a Real Person Job….
My hair is crazy long again (last haircut was in January), so I’m totally getting it cut next week. It’s always so fraught with anxiety though, because the boy really likes really long hair. And well, if he told me not to cut it, I’d get the kicky bob I really want the next day. But he always tells me I should do what I want, “but it’s so pretty when it’s long!”. And it feels like this length (to the underside of my shoulderblades) is already a compromise, because ideally he’d love it to be down to my butt. That’s never gonna happen (if only for the practical side of it) but I wish getting a haircut wasn’t such a delicate balance between our preferences.
My hair is hella long and I’m ready to chop and donate sometime in the next week or so! It should end up shoulder or collar bone length so if any one has any favorite mid-length cuts for straight hair share them please!
I’ve had short hair for about a year or more now and it’s been growing out slightly (because I’ve been too lazy to get a hair cut since June, mostly), so now it’s in a place where I always veer on the edge of looking like I have that kind of floppy side-part 90s boy band hair. Which I’m pretty okay with.
BUT. My mother is pretty passionately against short hair on women, partly due to her extreme discomfort with anything that doesn’t adhere to her incredibly rigid and extensive rules for male and female gender roles.* And about ten minutes ago, I saw an email she sent me in the last day or so filled with links of what she’s decided would be acceptable hairstyles for me, all of which are, oh, about six inches longer than my current hair. She also cites an aunt who’s forty years older than me as someone whose haircut I might want. (I don’t.)
She mentions that short hair makes women’s faces look too round, while her argument used to be that they made them look too long, so I also realize there’s a second layer of her trying to hint that I now also look rounder. Which, y’know, I do. Because I am. And I don’t feel particularly broken up about that fact.
* I wish I could sum out how much I’m probably understating this. She literally used to introduce me to people when I was a teenager by saying “She’s such a girly girl” and “She’s so femmy” in the same breath as my name as though that were her highest point of pride in me. (Spoiler Alert: I am neither of those things. Spoiler Alert Part Deux: I don’t know that I would even say I’m wholly female, so. That’s that point of pride gone, I suppose.)
So. Long story short. I am now tempted to actually get that haircut I’ve been putting off.
(Also I think I just needed to vent that, because I’ve been sitting at my cubicle in an almost empty office, trying not to be too frustrated by that email since reading it ten minutes ago.)
“If it turns out horrible, we’ll just buzz it and I’ll say that it’s in honor of the first women rangers.”
It sounds like you have a great plan no matter what! I hope it looks smashing; I bet it will.
Mine is just about ready for chopping and redoing – when it gets so the non-blue is about shoulder length, I chop the old blue off the bottom and redo it up to my ears. This was last weekend at my sister’s wedding (thankyou all for tights and shoes opinions), I think it is long enough now.
On Wednesday, I marched myself to the hair salon and told the stylist to give me the pixie cut I’ve been secretly longing for, and afraid to get, for the last year. I LOVE IT AND I’M KEEPING IT FOREVER. What I’m trying to say is, I’m with you in pixie solidarity.
I’m going to go with good ol’ Shasta Daisy. Yep.
Toasts! This weekend I’m having a party with 8 of my bestest lady-friends and we’re going to drink sparkly wine and toast the fact that my ex is finally gone! What snack-type foods should I make? I’m getting prosecco to drink, so lay upon me your food pairings and/or cocktail recipes involving prosecco.
I’m a big fan of nice ripe sliced tomatoes, basil, and fresh mozzarella drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. A plate of that and some nice crusty bread is a fantastic summer snack.
I would do that but I’m afraid I might just eat the whole plate before my guests arrive.
I’m totally going to do it.
Cheese and baguettes and grapes and strawberries and apples
See, I like the way you think. I was mentally trying to see if I had time to, I dunno, make a bunch of complicated hors d’oeuvres. I like your way MUCH better. Less time cooking, more time putting tasty things into face.
OH YES. I love to cook, but in fact I like to just buy cheese and charcuterie and nice bread and fruits more. Dried fruits are also a lovely accompaniment! Figs and apricots…
Bonus round, if you can get it and you like it: salmon and/or sablefish candy. Omgggg.
Proscuitto + melon (canteloupe). This is literally the ONLY thing I miss from my meat eating days. You can wrap the proscuitto around a melon ball, serve them side by side, or place slices of each on buttered baguette.
Pro: Proscuiito and prosecco are both from the same regions(?), so it pairs EXTRA WELL together.
Ah! Of course! Man, I haven’t had this in years but it’s SO GOOD. Thanks for the reminder!
Also prosciutto wrapped around figs, prosciutto wrapped around little mozzarella balls, prosciutto wrapped around pretty much anything.
I’m not a foodie, but my go to semi-fancy-tasting-but-secretly-really-straight-forward snack food is quince paste, with a sharp cheese and sliced pears. So good, and people go nuts for it.
I’ve been making parmesean crisps to go with my glasses of wine lately: take grated parm with a little freshly-ground pepper, spread it in the thinest possible layer on parchment paper (which is on a baking sheet), chuck it in the toaster over at 250F. Give it around 5 minutes, or until golden brown (the aroma in the kitchen will be amazing). Allow to cool on the paper on a bakers rack. Break into pieces. Consume.
Toast, I really need to know if this is real.
Also, can I please share the best thing I read a month late?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/arianelange/a-gif-of-a-ca…
Bob-Waksberg has made a point of assembling a gender-balanced writers room. “I know some writers, when they put a room together, they’re really looking for who’s best gonna capture my voice? Like eight little mini-mes,” he said. Seeking out a variety of voices has been crucial to the quality of the show.
The gender balance is also critical to the jokes themselves. “Vera [Santamaria], one of our writers, pitched this joke, and I remember all of the women in the room laughed, and none of the men did,” Bob-Waksberg said. (Princess Carolyn shows up late to a meeting. She’s harried, with a gravy stain on her clothes and a broken heel, and her boss tells her to clean herself up because she looks “like a woman from an ’80s deodorant commercial.”) “What was really interesting to me is thinking about all the times a man had pitched a joke and all the men had laughed and none of the women had, and I didn’t even notice. I’m sure that happened a ton.”
Last season, the show introduced a female director character, Kelsey Jannings (Maria Bamford), a commanding lesbian who enters BoJack’s life in part because Bob-Waksberg wanted BoJack to have a relationship with a woman that had no romantic tension. This season, although her arc is not about being a woman, the show sneaks in a line about how the big-budget movie she’s directing is the one shot she’ll get, and if she doesn’t do a perfect job she’ll be relegated to indie movies. It’s funny because it’s true; as Hanawalt put it, “There’s too much put on the fact that there’s one female director and if she fails it’s like, ‘Never again.’” (In 2014, women were half of the humans and only 7% of the major feature directors.) Kelsey, who, for the most part, is a tough, no-nonsense woman, is allowed a moment of vulnerability with the realization that she may have to go back to directing movies about lesbians teaching other lesbians to recycle.
aaaah, I love BoJack for just those reasons. So many women–so many women driving the plot–hell, so many women in BACKGROUND shots. And for bit-gags. And for BIG gags. Character Actress Margot Martindale is hysterical each and every time.
related: have you seen this? http://boringoldraphael.tumblr.com/post/107481385… It’s one of my all-time favorite things on the internet.
I HAVE, and now I always try to spot the female extras in the background. I so appreciate Bob-Waksberg’s self-awareness and willingness to confront his biases.
I don’t know if the character is a female or male. but that unmoving sloth draped over the treadmill when Princess Caroline is at the gym is one of my favorite gags.
Kulap! I didn’t know Scott’s former girlfriend who he married did any voices on the show!
Charley Witherspoon gets most of my favorite gags in terms of his hands getting stuck to everything he touches.
Tbf, I would totally watch a movie about lesbians teaching lesbians to recycle, but I recognize that I belong to a niche market.
My Man Friend told me I should watch BoJack Horseman and I said maybe. I wasn’t thinking too much about it. But now I think I’ll check it out!
the first couple episodes are a bit of a drag, but it gets REALLY good.
No, the open thread is definitely not real. (Maybe the link is not linking where it should?)
HA.
Thank you.
I meant to say, this incredibly serious fan-fiction reading.
Oh my GOD that VIDEO
I thought I’d try a west coast thread!
If you live on the west coast but have important stuff you want near the top, post here!
Everything is on fire.
Oregon State Parks aren’t allowing fire except propane stoves—no campfires, no candles. It’s scary out there, ya’ll.
There are seven thousand firefighters in my hometown. My hometown has a population of 3000. You can’t see across the street for the smoke, local dads report.
It’s SO BAD. Three firefighters died in eastern Washington this week. I heard the Chelan complex fire jumped THE COLUMBIA.
Holy shit, really? That is insane. I’m over here in MT breathing in all your WA and Id and some MT smoke and hating life. I’m about to look up the appropriate sacrifices to make for rain.
I don’t know if it took on the Oregon side, but yeah the local NPR affiliate had someone over on that side and she was like “yeah this fire is really freaking big, you guys, it just jumped the river.” That’s all I heard about it though so maybe it was put out.
Oh crap, I just looked at map and it wasn’t the Chelan fire. There are a couple near the river so I’m not sure which one it was, but it was not Chelan. That makes me feel a little better because if the Chelan fire were all the way down there, that would be SUPREMELY bad.
As a recent transplant to CA (from the verdant east coast/midwest), I am very freaked out by the dryness. Driving across the country and seeing the smoke from Montana all the way west was very surreal.
The Northwest being rainy all the time is a myth. And never more mythical than this year.
I live in an area of OR that is usually on fire, but this year we have been lucky (knock on our way-too-dry wood). But I keep watching the news of my family’s much wetter northern ID homeland burning away. My Granny’s front yard is basically full of evacuees, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.
I lived in LA only one day ago and Florida is flat and sweaty as Satan’s armpit. I am stealing your Westcoast thread cause I’m homesick thanks.
I’m back in Oregon after being in Florida for less than a month, and you have my sympathy. Homesickness is the actual worst.
We will endeavor to make you less homesick by talking about drought and flame.
Any west coasties play Guess My Word? I got Mike’s word today in one guess, zero seconds!!!! Complete Kermit flail. (it’s the word I always start with and now what will I do? That’s the drawback, I guess.)
Cool! I just did it and it took me an embarrassingly long time to guess, 13. I think my record is 6!
My favorite flowers are irises, with lilies a close second. Droopy flowers FTW!
Need bloomers? Ten more days to use the 20% off code “TOAST” on Etsy shop.
I am so much looking forward to this weekend, friends, because last weekend I fought a migraine the entire time and it sucked. Tonight I’m going to a hippie dance/ecstatic movement thing, though, and I’ve been told the DJ leans toward electronica.
Anyone else got fun plans for the weekend?
What is this gif? It’s mesmerizing.
That is my secret boyfriend at a magazine photoshoot a couple years ago. Isn’t he lovely and graceful?
That shoot introduced me to Parov Stelar, and thence to my favorite dance video. Truly his power moveth in mysterious ways.
Tragedy! Your link takes me back to this Open Thread post. I want to see the favorite dance video!
DAMMIT. IntenseDebate, may your bits freeze off. Please work.
ETA: Also I’m going to eat irresponsible amounts of seafood. Gotta put on that layer against winter, eh wot.
HOLY CRAP THEY ARE AMAZING.
Welcome to the time sink of Urban Dance Camp videos. Incredibly talented people joyfully sharing what they love and being showered with shoes/enthusiasm from their appreciative peers. (I can’t tell whether my favorite bit is their back-and-forth energy passes or the Nicholas Brothers heel-balance move or just the whole damn thing.)
This is gonna be my weekend, watching these videos
That is awesome! I love Parov Stelar and those two dancers are crazy talented.
I hoped it was him!
I am going up to Madison for one of their free King Street concerts featuring Dessa and Astronautilus! Great music! Excellent weather! Good Wisconsin beer! And the best part? Yesterday my coworker volunteered to take my Saturday shift, so a) I don’t have to pull an all-nighter driving back home at whatever ridiculous o’clock the concert ends and then get up and go to work in the morning, which means b) more beer for me.
Life is good.
Road trip to see family and go sailing. 🙂
Ah! That sounds perfect!
Winery shift tomorrow, yay money, then on Sunday beach if it’s nice, and I have a rehearsal at 4.
You work at a winery?!?!?!?
I do! MrChouffe and I pick up the occasional shift for some extra cash moneys and also omg discounts.
@CleverManka you always have the best gifs! And now I want to watch Tom Hiddleston in a dance-off with Sam Rockwell.
Most of my gifs are here on my LJ scrapbook. Feel free to download any you like!
And oh god that dance-off would be amazing. Although I don’t know that I want to see the compete so much as collaborate and listen.
Scotty calling Hay Gurl Hay! omigod, that is fantastic. Weekend made.
i like ranunculus and big ruffly iceland poppies. but i am also bad at keeping them alive.
You’re…supposed to keep flowers alive?
I read that as “puppies” and was super sad.
I was never aware at all of ranunculus until we were looking at flower options for our wedding, but wow are they great! Definitely a new favorite.
My father’s surgery to remove his colon cancer was TWO WEEKS AGO and we STILL do not have the pathology results!! We’re all unbelievably frustrated and I have NO idea what is taking so long. I know the labs have many tests to run on many samples, but you would think you could find out if you cancer is SUPER SERIOUS or just SERIOUS within a fortnight.
That is incredibly frustrating! I’m sorry you all are being left in limbo like that.
UGH GOD
I hope they tell you all soon, and of course that it’s as least serious as it can be.
And I hope that he’s feeling as physically well as a person can who just had surgery.
And I hope you have some things you can do to give your mind and feelings a break.
thank you! he’s doing a lot better this week and I am less worried about him. I just want us all to have those test results so we know how this is gonna go.
<3
That’s infuriating. I’m sorry. Sending virtual Red Bull and irate taskmaster supervisors to the path lab.
Jesus CHRIST that’s frustrating. I assume the staff has been unwilling/unable to enlighten you as to the delay? Or if this is “normal” (feh) for their hospital?
Thinking all good thoughts for your dad and your fam.
the staff is just as puzzled, actually, and now I’m worried the lab lost the sample or something (it’s not as if another can be EASILY attained, since they took the samples from what they removed during invasive surgery!).
Oy. I very, very much hope that is not the case, and that they’re just backlogged or their microscope guy is on vacation or some nonsense. Mostly I hope that you A) hear from them immediately and B) that it’s good news.
You are rightly frustrated; that sounds infuriating. I’m sorry you’re having to wait so long.
I know it’s only August, but can we have a spooky reads thread? I’m getting my Halloween books sorted (this is AN EVENT in my life), and so far I have We Have Always Lived in the Castle on my Kindle (thanks to countless Toasties who recc’d it) and a paperback copy of A Mind for Murder, but I need more!
I’ve got Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein and Octavia Butler’s Kindred sitting on my shelf in anticipation of the first cold, foggy day.
My best friend and I always exchange scary books on Halloween, and this year I think I’m going to get her Daniel Jose Older’s Salsa Nocturna. I haven’t read it, but I’ve been hearing good things about him lately, and this seems more horror than his more recent work
August is *definitely* time to start prepping for Halloween.
I always try to squeeze in House of Leaves around this time of year, when I want something spooky but before I’m getting home in the dark because it scares the crap out of me. Arthur Machen is pretty solid for old-fashioned creep-you-out style horror – “The Willows” is my favorite of his. And some day I’m going to catch up on David Nickle’s output; I read Eutopia a couple of years ago and it was fantastic.
Uzumaki, if you enjoy manga; Creepy Company by Joan Aitken, if you want some YA; HP Lovecraft and collections of Weird Tales books; Troubled Daughters, Twisted Wives: Stories from the Trailblazers of Domestic Suspense; and especially A Dark-Adapted Eye.
There’s a series-ish of ghost-tinged stories set in the 1920s, starting with The Haunting of Maddy Clare, that I really enjoyed this summer! Not super spooky, but definitely haunted.
I’m currently reading Henry James’s Turn of the Screw, and it is veeeery spooky so far. It combines all of my favorite genres (governess stories, creepy children stories, big English house stories) into one!
http://www.dailydot.com/lol/man-proposes-hallowee…
Emily Carroll! I’m kinda excited that Halloween is coming because she will probably post a new spooky comic!
Yes! I loved Through the Woods and definitely plan to reread it this Halloween! I didn’t realize that she posts spooky things on her site on the reg, so I’ll hafta check that out.
Paul Tremblay’s A Head Full of Ghosts! The most interesting parts, to me, were the commentaries on reality TV/social media (I KNOW, I sound like a male New York Times op-ed columnist on how Millennials are ruining the world, but in this case, it works), and the ending really pays off in terms of Spook factor.
Ooooh I have a copy of that that I haven’t read yet and now I am excited.
The Red Tree by Caitlin Kiernan! It takes place in the summer so I read it in July/August every year.
It’s pretty ancient, but House on the Borderland, by William Hope Hodgson, creeped me out and I’m not easily creeped.
I love Victorian ghost stories – I did a paper at university called ‘the fantastic short story’ (purely because of the name) that was about equivalent-time French supernatural stories, and from there found my way to the UK classics. I love MR James, E Nesbit (she is better known as a children’s author but did some amazing spooky stuff), and there are loads of anthologies about.
I usually read ghost story/weird fiction anthologies for their imagery and gloomy atmosphere but don’t find them legitimately frightening, with some notable exceptions. One is a decaying book I picked up from a thrift store based on title alone (Ghosts Vivisected by A..W Stirling). Another is “The King in Yellow” by Chambers, which has become popular most recently with fans of the first season of True Detective (excluding its not-nearly-as-spooky romance stories).
Also, here’s the cover of another collection I thrifted, for anyone actually reading this buried comment . It doesn’t necessarily included the best representative samples of these authors’ writing, but this illustration is airbrushed onto the truck… of my heart?
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/513fAhvFCvL…
I second House of Leaves… my goal for last October was to finally pick up and read the entire book start to finish- it took me a month! But wow was it fascinating. I just finished I Remember You by Yrsa Sigurdardottir. It was more… suspenseful than outright creepy but still entertaining. Also, having been a teen librarian once upon a time, some of my favorite spooky reads are for teens- but still great! Highly rec The House of Dark Shadows by Robert Liparulo and Bad Girls Don’t Die by Katie Alender. Also, Unwind by Neal Shusterman is one that, as an adult (and a woman), the premise behind is WAAAAAY more creepy than it would have been if I’d read it as a teen. Looks like you’ve got a crazy amount of good recs to put on your list!
So glad this thread exists! I love horror, but have found few books that are decently creepy (my only and super obvious contribution to the list would be The Haunting of Hill House, because holy shite is that creepy, but you all already knew that one, of course).
Toasties, it’s been a weird and crazy busy week and I really just need the weekend to sleep and read and remember why I love my friends.
Gif party? Let’s share our favorite gifs and get into fun gif wars with each other! I’ll go first:
GIF THREAD YOU SAY?!
Anywho, here’s a hamster playing chess:
I never get to use this one, so I’m putting it here:
YES IT IS, YOU GORGEOUS CREATURE
My sexuality: Only Lovers Left Alive.
Oh hey also
ETA I just realized it looks like Hal and Poins are gasping suggestively at Tuppy throwing a bun in the comment below so I’m adding this:
I ws debating whether I needed to go and see Coriolanus again when they repeat it at the cinema next month, and this has decided me.
BRB, seeing if it’s playing again near me.
24 September over here!
No dates near me yet, but I did get to watch a surprisingly high quality pirated version on YouTube a few months ago while I was stuck in an airport, so…
(if this thread ends up filled with almost exclusively broad city and tom hiddleston gifs, i will be the happiest woman in the world)
GUYS I HAVE TO GO DO ACTUAL WORK NOW BUT I’LL BE BACK SOON
My favorite gif right now is this one I made because I cannot believe we have a kitty that will do this (yes reposting this again):
Roombas + cats = best, most hilarious combination.
I AM SO JEALOUS
I will never get tired of seeing this pup. Ever. EVER.
Here is a trifecta of Wet Hot American Summer gifs that accurately represent my feelings about the rest of this work day:
it me
Thank you so much for this comment thread. Definitely a high point of my week.
Seriously, this has been SO MUCH FUN. I love me a good gif, so it’s been a lovely way to welcome the weekend.
Kudos all around, folks. I give this thread a very satisfying 5 Stars.
(i’m about to finish the first season of review, i love it so much but i can only watch so many episodes at a time because so much awkward)
Hi Toast, things with Spouse are on the mend, and we have a lovely weekend of farmer’s market, friends, and canning to look forward to!
Toasties, what are you preserving this year? I made pickled cherries that are UNREAL they are so good, as well as strawberry and blueberry fruit butters. I got the berries and cherries from a U-pick place, so they were incredibly cost-effective. This weekend, I’m picking up a basket of tomatoes and one of peaches for more butters. What are you up to?
Yay for mending weekends!
I just moved into a new house so I’m trying to decide if I want to do food related projects or house related projects. I’m thinking of limiting food to tomato sauce. I’ll probably sneak in a few pints of apple butter and peach barbecue sauce in there somewhere though…
I did not preserve them myself, but I recently had pickled loquats and I highly recommend that. Not quite as good as the fresh ones, but very good nonetheless.
PICKLED CHERRIES YOU SAY. Could I get a recipe? How do you serve them? (Also yay! To mending.)
Here is the recipe!
I’ve done a couple things with them. They go great on a cheese/charcuterie plate (I didn’t pit mine so make sure you remind folks to beware), and I also stirred pitted chopped cherries into a pasta with creamy blue cheese sauce.
YES THANK YOU this sounds amazing.
I’ve already made some cherry jam (which was excellent!) and some pickled scapes. I found a recipe for Ploughman’s Pickle I’m going to make if I can find tamarind paste. Does anyone know if there’s some way to sub actual tamarinds in for the paste, since bizarrely I know where to get the tamarinds even if I can’t find paste. I picked a whole bunch of little apples from my apple tree yesterday, and since I’m not a huge fan of their texture I might just make and can some apple sauce from them.
I’m kind of getting into fermenting, so I’m making fermented daikon and carrot pickles, will make a bunch of sauerkraut for the winter, and maybe try some kimchi. I’ve also been playing with water kefir, which has been entertaining but resulted in me having to clean watermelon off my kitchen ceiling when I overfermented a batch with watermelon chunks.
Oh I did pickled scapes too, as well as some kosher dill-style gherkins (I don’t like nomming giant pickles but don’t like the flavors of small pickles, hence, I made my own damned pickles!). I put the scapes in EVERYTHING.
If you have an Indian grocery store you should be able to find tamarind paste. It comes in a block. I’m not totally sure about how to get paste from pods, but I imagine the internet knows. It probably involves simmering?
Pickled scapes are the best. So so good. Also yay for fermenting! I have been neglecting my water kefir, I should see if it’s still alive.
I love this kimchi recipe: http://www.cookstr.com/recipes/kimchi (though I just use whatever veg I’ve got).
Ooh! Thank you! The only time I made kimchi previously was using an online recipe that was family recipe from Korea. It was delicious but it made SO MUCH and was a bit more complicated so I haven’t gotten around to making any since. This one looks much more manageable.
Tell me about pickled cherries!!
They are delicious and tangy and sweet and rosemary-y. They are so, so good. I linked to the recipe above. I will be making these forever I think!
I made strawberry jam; which is probably the sum total of my preserving.
A couple of weekends ago I pickled carrots, green beans, and cauliflower with some friends. Cauliflower was a new one for us! We put it in a spicy-sweet brine, like bread and butter. The carrots are all HOT (sriracha) and the beans are half lemony, half chili peppery.
I tried quick-pickling watermelon rind for the first time last week and I am underwhelmed. I mean they taste nice–a bit sweet, a bit vinegary, a bit anise-y–but they are a bit soft, not excitingly crisp. Any ideas of what to do with them? I kind of want to blend them all up and make them into a candy, like pate de fruits or something, but I am not sure if the vinegar will affect how they set.
Acid definitely does affect pectin, but I’m not sure what you would need to do to balance it out. The rind probably has a ton of pectin….. Hmmm.
hmm. my grandmother always made watermelon pickles, but the flavor was cinnamon-nutmeg, not anise. And only very mildly tart. You could try changing spices?
They are pretty gentle though, as pickles go. We always made watermelon pickles with just the white part of the watermelon, so it is a very mild flavor — maybe it also helps to go in expecting that from the start. We did in fact eat them with dessert — but you don’t have to — they would probably go well with a lot of Thai or Vietnamese spicy foods.
Favourite flowers: daisies, roses, and sunflowers.
Gerber daises are my very favorite, although they have such a weird name in English. (in Dutch they’re called gerberas.) They’re so nicely flower-looking and come in pretty colors that make great bouquets! I love them.
Gerberas are very pretty!
Gladiolus are my favorite flower, but I’m also quite partial to sunflowers!
I just bought some huge, ridiculous, sunshine-y sunflowers from my favorite farmer’s market flower-selling guy, and now every time I come back to my apartment, it’s all BOOM SUNFLOWERS.
Toastronics: WHAT VIDEOGAMES ARE YOU PLAYING THIS WEEK?
I’m currently working my way through the vastness of The Witcher 3. Which, despite many of its fans being utter wankers (“this is a REAL role playing game, unlike that girly Dragon Age!”), is rather fun. It gets the open-world thing right, with interesting sidequests and such beautiful forests. Geralt’s much less of a jerk than in previous games, not to mention handsomer (and occasionally objectified!). Love going to the barber to get my beard trimmed. The love interests are still only strangely-similar-looking skinny white ladies, and rape is still omnipresent as a plot point. Which, sigh. But at least the incidental female characters feature lots of older women and less perfectly beautiful women wandering the villages. And Ciri is great. I wish I could keep Keira Metz as my main lady squeeze, though, since lady seems like a fun drinking buddy and she totally plays Geralt. I kinda wish she really just were in the “romance” for sex like she says, rather than the ultimately revealed conniving lady reasons (god damn it game), but she’s still cool. Conclusion: still lots of irritating bits, but I like it a lot less conditionally than TW2.
It’s been a week of dumb phone games for me. Mr. Thuja got me to download Fallout Shelter, which is surprisingly addictive and I’ve been having fun giving crazy names to my vault dweller’s babies and sending them out to fight scavenger dogs and bring back more guns.
I’ve also been playing a fair amount of Ingress. I finally made it to level 8 and now it’s much easier to blow things up. Sadly students are coming back to campus, so my nice little farm of portals keeps getting taken over.
Against every ounce of my better judgment, I started playing Destiny again upon hearing the news that once the new module hits, XP gain will be based on straight experience, and not loot and light. Which I cannot get a lot of because I can’t find five people I know to raid with and do not want to deal with Gaming While Female with strangers. The mechanics of that game are so damned good, I just wish it had a decent story.
I also started a new character and the behavior of my fireteam on the very first strike was so baffling that I’m not sure if they were trolling or just had no idea what they were doing.
I have basically the same feelings / problems with Destiny. I used to have a group of friends who all played together but then they all moved on to other games and I’ve had mixed results with Destiny lfg. Also I like the pvp when I’m in practice, but when I go for a while without playing it takes a lot of losing before I get back into practice. But when that game is good, it’s soooo good.
Splatoon has taken over my life. Speaking of which, are there any other Toasties playing Splatoon that might be up for some private matches and/or squad battles? I’d like to try these two modes out but not with random internet dudes.
I don’t have it, but I was planning to maybe try the Testfire event this weekend. I don’t know if you can choose who you play with in it, though.
Is the single player mode good? I don’t have anyone at home to play with.
Yes! The online multiplayer is really where the game shines (and the local multiplayer is its weakest point). The single player campaign is very fun but short. If you have a decent internet connection though and can do the online multiplayer it’s definitely worth a purchase if you find yourself enjoying the testfire.
Thanks for answering! I will definitely set a phone alarm for the testfire.
If I do buy it I’d be happy to play you online.
Mr Thuja bought it a few weeks ago but we haven’t tried it out yet. I haven’t played with the WiiU enough to have my online linking information memorized, but I’ll come back to this comment later tonight and let you know.
Don’t tell anyone, but I really, really like Civilization Revolution on the PS3. On “easy” mode. I like to play as the Mongols and get outposts all the way across the continent. It is my favoritest no-brain activity.
I play Civ V on easy a lot just for something soothing to take my mind off my anxiety. No shame!
When I get home from work, I will have an Xbox One waiting for me! I plan to celebrate by… uh… starting a new DAI playthrough [hangs head in shame]. Yeah. Witcher is next on the list, though.
NO SHAME FOR DRAGON AGE
saaaaame. (I’ve never played a warrior character before – it’s really fun! Also my last run through I didn’t recruit Cole, but this time I did and he’s fab, and kills everything. Cass/Cole/Vivienne dream team.)
I always recruit everyone. Cole is so great though. I love him. Worth it just for the party banter alone. I pretty much always play as a rogue, though I forced myself to play as a mage for recent playthroughs of DAO and DA2 and I’m glad I did. I have about three hours to decide whether I want to play as a lady or a dude this time. I’ve started playthroughs with both and I can’t make up my mind.
I’ve never managed to play through any of the DA games as a dude…I keep considering making one for DA:I though because Cassandra is my fave and I need to see her romance.
I only play as dudes so I can have gay romances? I don’t know what that says about me.
Whatever it says about you, it says about me too…
Mr. Wren and I have been having a blast playing Lego Jurassic Park together (all the movies!!!). We both really love playing 2-player games, but my favorite part in this series is that you can unlock a tiny velociraptor fetus to play as. It does nothing, but I have been happily bouncing through levels as an embryonic predator for several nights now. Very therapeutic.
OH ALSO. I forgot to post this, which may be of interest to Toastfolk! Offworld had an article on a game which is (to quote the author, Laura Hudson) a “Jane Austen romance game…partly inspired by Dragon Age”
Me: OH SHIT
*clicks*
Me: WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN ONLY ON iOS
Anywho, if you have an iPhone and want to romance various dashing Regency men, here’s the link to the article: http://boingboing.net/2015/08/19/regency-love-aus…
??? 😀 (Oh man I hope there’s a Bad Ending! 😀 😀 :D)
You know it!
Always Civ V. my spouse and I discovered we are less likely to argue if we have a multiplayer team game, so we are on the same team and playing against AI. It’s kind of great, because we both have such different strategies (he still can’t use tourism), so we make a good team. And we can’t declare war in each other so chances of divorce go way down.
Okay, question — I normally don’t play games where I can’t play as a female character (I know, I’m one of those people). Is The Witcher 3 worth breaking my rule for? For reference, the last game I played was Wasteland 2, which I enjoyed.
ALSO. Question for anyone who wants to respond: I am considering investing in some sort of videogame tv hookup thingie. Does it matter which one I get? I was not allowed to play videogames as a child, so I have no particular sentimental investment in any one system. (I was allowed to play games — including violent games, interestingly enough — on the PC. Why? No clue.) I have no interest in like, multiplayer online interacting-with-actual-humans stuff. I just wanna blow stuff up in the peace and quiet of my own home. Right now I mainly blow things up on my desktop, but my couch is more comfortable than my office chair.
So for the first question, it depends on what reasons you’d break your rule for more. Geralt’s definitely a predefined dude character, and a Gritty Grizzled White one at that, but he’s a lot better in this one than the previous two Witcher games (where he’s kind of a douche). He’s got a very long backstory, so he’s not just a blank slate, and he has a lot of predefined relationships with various friends and lovers. He’s an outsider, and studiously devoted to neutrality in theory (I like to call him an “independent monster-killing contractor”), and the game likes to make fun of him for being grumpy in a good natured way. You’re mostly pushing his personality in a certain direction rather than defining it like you would in Dragon Age. So that’s Geralt. Gameplay wise, I’ll say that it’s absolutely STUNNING in terms of graphics and atmosphere, and most of the voice acting and music are great. When you ride your horse through the world, with its villages and forests and bogs, it feels like being in a much better written version of Skyrim, albeit with less freedom. The plotting and writing quality are Game of Thrones level – nothing earthshattering, with LOTS of questionable elements, but very compelling and chock full of convincing moral ambiguity. The combat is…okay. It’s all real-time, so there’s lots of rolling and dodging and twitch-based stuff, with an emphasis on preparing for combat with potions and weapons oils. So I’d say it depends on a few things: how much you mind being a very specific straight white grizzled dude, how okay you are with fast-paced twitch melee combat, and what your opinion of Game of Thrones style fantasy is. It’s super-duper pretty, though, and just being in the world is a lot of fun. Geralt’s beard grows and you get to dress him up in fun clothes, too!
Second question: are you looking for an entirely new console, or to stream your PC stuff to a TV? If the former, I’d go PS4, though WiiU has the most games you can’t get on PC (assuming you like Nintendo). My husband and I are also thinking of buying our first console as a Blu-Ray machine in a few months, and PS4 has lots more exclusive games and seems to be a slightly more powerful machine. Though Xbox One did just announce that the machine could support backward compatibility for a lot of older Xbox360 games, so that’s cool.
If the latter, you can either use an HDMI cable (if your computer has a port) and xbox controller, or you can wait for this in a few months and use the Steam In-Home streaming (I’ve tried this with my desktop and laptop before, and it works pretty well, though it works much better when it’s a direct LAN connection to both machines): http://www.pcworld.com/article/2891706/valve-reve…
Ooooh, thanks. I’m looking for an entirely new system — thanks for the tips (on both questions.) I’m not a hugely serious player but it is something I’d like to do more of, because I am tired of adulting, you know?
Oh I most certainly do know. My main motivation for getting a PS4 is “So I like this gaming thing, but I think I’d REALLY like it if I could also be lying on the couch at the same time.”
1. I think Witcher 3 is one of the more worthwhile games to play out there right now. It’s huge and there are way too many things to say about it. Most are in its favor but it has plenty of flaws. As Bourne noted, it’s beautiful and the writing is phenomenal. It’s no Game of Thrones – nothing is, unfortunately – and I’d argue the single POV and the somewhat limited political intrigue make it sort of inherently weaker. It’s a huge game and there are so many things to say about it that I’m struggling to keep this concise, but it’s probably the best open world game ever made to date?
It tells a ton of stories that are really diverse, often focusing on poor communities, people with kind of mundane concerns, weaving stories into the landscape in a way that makes it feel historical and grounded (I think it’s a really great model for open-world epic storytelling), and the people are generally fleshed out in a way that is more human and sympathetic than any other AAA game. They sneeze and cough and have pimples and bad haircuts, it’s great.
As for gender: I can’t recommend it wholeheartedly because of its tendency to objectify its really great female lead characters/to use violence against women to characterize villains. But the female characters are really great characters! I think the game represents a lot of different ways to be a woman in positions of leadership and power. I felt like it is pretty sex-positive, too, not just pornographic (though it is that).
It’s also worth mentioning that Geralt’s adopted daughter Ciri is sort of the phantom protagonist of the story – that sucks in a sense, but she’s again a really great character and you do see her story through her own eyes and play as her occasionally. She’s kind of treated as a macguffin damsel in distress but the story treats her with a lot of agency and respect IMO at least.
As dumb as the male-gaze stuff can be at times, the game also displays some neat moments of self-awareness and plays with how the player perceives women in trouble. On at least three occasions the game chastises you for white-knighting into someone else’s business and presuming to “save” a woman from her life without knowing what is going on or being asked. Anyway I have many more thoughts about TW3 but I will stop now, sorry. :/
2. PS4 because Bloodborne is a PS4 exclusive and it’s the best game there is and is likely to still be until Dark Souls 3 comes out.
3. Even if you get a console it’s worth exploring the possibility of connecting your PC to the TV directly, I do all my home PC use sprawled indecorously on the couch. And it makes it way easier to watch streamed/downloaded media.
Also my parents thought they were being so tough for never getting me a console and then let me play whatever I wanted on PC for some solid blocks of time. You are not alone in this weird parental game limbo!
I’ve been replaying skyrim since I never finished it the first time and a friend of mine was talking about how much she loves it and it made me nostalgic for the open world and crafting and stuff. Maybe I’ll even finish it this time!
I’m in a good mood and want to start a happy conversation.
Has anyone experienced something like a backhanded compliment, but in a good way? Like someone says something to you relatively minor, but you take it to be such a huge compliment? I’m not sure what to call it.
For example, I met up for some beach cleaning volunteer gig and everyone had to introduce themselves, including saying a little bit about themselves. After I said my piece, the volunteer leader said, “Wow, you’re an interesting person.”
That little comment made my heart sing and she had no idea how happy she made.
Um my ex tried to slam me once by saying living with me was like listening to NPR 24/7. WHY THANK YOU SIR I SHALL CARRY THAT WITH ME FOR ALWAYS.
Every now and then I’ll offhandedly say something very odd (like, when I’m with my closest friends), and someone will say “only you would come up with something like that.” It’s a nice reminder that I’m a special snowflake. Utter delight.
A six-year-old to me: “Why is everyone else sitting in a room talking when we’re having fun in here?”
I still think about this all the time. It was such an honor.
Oooh! That is awesome and precious!
A six year old once told me that I was the best at reading stories because I did all the voices
– and I was like “my work here on the planet is done” she could have said that to every person ever I don’t even care
This isn’t QUITE what you asked for, but the best random unsolicited compliment I ever got was from a guy in my high school. He was cool and popular (when he was a sophomore, two senior ladies fought over who got to take him to prom) and nice and super talented (acting, singing, dancing, all the things). He was always nice to me, but we weren’t friends or anything, we just did lots of plays and stuff together. After my competition piece in Speech and Debate (drama), he came up and told me “I held my breath the entire time.” I don’t even act anymore, but that moment still fills me with warm fuzzies when I think of it.
Back when I was still messing around with the idea of becoming a lighting designer (high school? early college?), I was running lights for a community theater show where the actual designer was kind of an ass. One day he wasn’t there and the director was asking about why a certain scene wasn’t working. I happened to be sitting next to her and made an offhand comment about the staging and lighting, and she turned, looked at me, and said “you have good instincts.”
I’ve carried that with me and applied it to many situations ever since.
I love it! I’m sure you are an interesting person! Hurray for interesting people!
After a nasty break-up, an ex of mine made snide comments about my big nose to someone but I’ve always been really happy with my nose and I like big noses, so…. guess it goes to show she didn’t know me very well?
It’s not quite the same, but that reminds me of my relatively thick eyebrows. I’m half Turkish and every time I visit Turkey at least one woman will offer to pluck them for me. I like my thick eyebrows!
This is like… the opposite of a backhanded compliment? A fronthanded insult? When I had just moved in the middle of Freshman year from my 100-person 6-12 on base to my civillian 3000-person high school, one of the girls that I hung around with (due to lack of friends on both of our parts, not any friendship) told me that there was a rumor going around that I was a witch. This has fueled me ever since.
Then, about a month ago, nearly 10 yrs later, a GROWN MAN coworker asked me if I was a witch because I have some Haunted Mansion Hitch-Hiking Ghosts stickers on the back of my car (I guess??). This was really shocking for me since I’m 350% less goth than I was in high school when I’m not at work, and am BARELY goth at work.
There’s nothing that makes me feel more ~true to myself~ than knowing people pick up on my inner witchiness.
I love surprise little compliments like that! My ex and I were at a family wedding once, and when he tapped his cousin on the shoulder to introduce me to her, she turned around and looked at me and said, “Oh my God, you’re gorgeous!” Now, this doesn’t happen to me, well, ever really, and it was so spontaneous and seemingly honest that it really made my life. Because who doesn’t want to be thought of as gorgeous?!
But! I learned something with that – now when I meet people or are introduced or just chatting with someone in the grocery line and I’m thinking, “Oh my God, this person’s eyes/personality/face/voice is so fabulous!” I make sure I say something to that effect without being a creepshow. Because everyone deserves to be told when there’s something awesome about themselves.
My dad called me a socialist, which coming from a libertarian is supposed to be an insult, but I was just like, “yep, I sure am” which was kind of amazing (we don’t have a great relationship, if you hadn’t guessed)
I got asked to pitch in on something at work by email and down in the chain was the suggestion to contact me because “FishyAngel is always helpful.” Such a great thing to wake up to, especially since I worry sometimes people should be contacting me for stuff and don’t know it.
Sometimes I like to look through my old TA evaluations, to remind myself of a time when I was patient and helpful.
This is one of my favorites.
Hey Chicago Toasties, the Chicago Humanities Festival just posted their schedule for the fall and it looks super. http://tickets.chicagohumanities.org/
TOAST UP? Also WHERE is this facebook group people keep talking about?
Oh. My. Gosh. I didn’t even know that was a thing and now I’m making plans for the next six months. I owe you a drink, Funfetti.
Ooh, some of that CHF stuff looks good! I’d go. Jon Ronson is on Halloween, we could go in costume!
Reading thread! I’m kicking it off early because I just started Americanah and I love it! Half a Yellow Sun is one of my favorite books of all time, so perhaps I was a bit worried to read another book by my favorite author in case I didn’t like it as much? I don’t know. But so far it’s exactly as amazing, and I’m so happy.
Also, does anyone want to recommend a good starter Edith Wharton? She’s next on my to-read list.
And! What is everybody else reading? Cheers and jeers, please.
This week I read Barbara Pym’s A Very Private Eye. Side note, MrSmee gave me three Barbara Pym related books for my birthday last week and after I’d opened them all said, ‘It’s Pym’s O’Clock!’ and was very proud of himself indeed (Hope It’s Pimm’s O’Clock is a reference that’s commonly known??). I enjoyed it so much and love her even more now. Some bits I liked:
During her undergraduate days at Oxford:
Amusing lecture today from Professor Tolkien on Beowulf.
About a date she had with a man at Oxford:
We talked. Or rather, he talked and I listened.
On the period in which publishers deemed her unfashionable and she couldn’t get books published (swinging sixties and all that):
A man sat at the desk near me eating a sandwich with a knife and fork, glass of milk to hand. Oh WHY can’t I write about this sort of thing anymore?
I loved Americanah! I really need to get to the rest of Adichie’s books. I just want to read everything she’s ever written.
I’m currently making slow but steady progress through Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Most of my friends read it in high school in AP English, which I didn’t take. So I’m sort of playing catch up now. Mostly it’s just a constant string of “Poor Tess”
I’m reading The Rosie Project, which is very funny as long as I hold myself back from overthinking.
Just finished Eight Hundred Grapes, one of those family/relationship dramas where everyone is being so stubborn and secretive and you just wanna smack them, but I enjoyed it along with most of a bottle of wine.
I read Age of Innocence last month, which was my first Edith Wharton. It was decent (I liked it more than I expected to), but I can’t speak as to whether it’s the best one to start with or not! The Custom of the Country is the novel by her that has the highest Goodreads rating, if that makes any difference to you. They’re all pretty close in ranking on there though, so I don’t know if it really matters.
I’m reading Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries by Neil deGrasse Tyson this week. It’s very sciency, but it’s very accessible which my brain appreciates. Someone on the train yesterday asked me if it was fiction or non-fiction, and I kind of laughed while replying non-fiction, but also I would totally read a fiction novel called “Death by Black Hole” it sounds sci-fi and fun! I’ve also just started the audio book for The Girl on the Train this morning, so we’ll see how that one goes!
I loved Americanah, with the exception of one sentence about how when Ifemelu and Blaine had sex, it “felt like Barack Obama was in the room with them” or something. I just couldn’t get over the weirdness of that mental image.
I just read the new Lisa Kleypas book, and while it wasn’t as bad as someone kept saying ti would be, it also didn’t reach the heights of Blue-Eyed Devil.
This weekend I need to finally give in and read the last Pink Carnation book *sniff* and my usual reams of fanfiction. And then NEW TESSA DARE BOOK NEXT WEEK YAAAAAY.
TESSA DARE YESSSSSSSSSSSS
LOVE Tessa Dare so much! Have you read Julie Ann Long? I went on a binge of her Pennyroyal Green books & they hit that Tessa Dare spot for me.
I think I started the first Pennyroyal Green book a while ago and couldn’t get into it so I never read any further? I think I was also avoiding a large series at that point, which is ridiculous since I think I then jumped into the Maiden Lane books.
I read The Custom of the Country (when I heard they were doing a movie version) as my first Edith Wharton and I actually really enjoyed it!
Also, this week I read one of those YA books where at first I thought the tone was far too young for me, but then I got about 30 pages in and decided it was a book I’d have LOVED when I was younger, so I devoured it and it ended up going on my “13 Year Old Me Would Have Loved This” shelf on Goodreads. It was A Brief History of Montmaray, and I just got books 2 & 3 from my library for the weekend! I’d love any historical fiction (adult OR YA) recommendations!
I’ve also just started Shadow on the Crown, which is fiction based on the life of Emma of Normandy, who married King Aethelred of England in 1001/1002. Can’t decide how I feel about it so far. The POV changes (every chapter) are a bit confusing, and the hints of sexism and potential for rape/sexual assault are making me a bit leery, but the writing is lovely.
I loved A Brief History of Montmaray! The 2nd one is so good, too. (I have not gotten to the 3rd installment)
I just got the two Complete Journals of L.M. Montgomery: The PEI Years that were published a few years ago. (They’re, pretty much, an expanded version of Selected Journals Volume 1, with entries that were previously omitted and all of her photographs, clippings, etc. attached to their corresponding entries.) I’ll be starting the first part, 1889-1900, this weekend.
I did not know these existed and now I must have them.
Let us know what they’re like! They have been on an amazon wishlist for years and I’ve never got round to actually buying them.
I’ll definitely report back.
Americanah is fantastic! Re: Wharton: I started with House of Mirth and loved it, and you’ve just reminded me that I should read more Wharton. I have a copy of Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance sitting around, and I guess I need to decide if I’m actually going to read that or not…
I also started with House of Mirth and loved it. But I recommended it to my sister and she thought it was depressing and wouldn’t read anything else by Wharton.
I have so many books waiting to be read but I just finished the most recent novella in the Dorothy Must Die series and I have enjoyed all of those. I can’t remember the author but it is a YA sequel/continuation of the Wizard of Oz with Dorothy as the villain. I didn’t realize it was a series when I started but downloaded all the available books as soon as I finished the first one and have the next two on preorder.
I’m nearly finished Spares by Micheal Marshall Smith. Last night I got to the bit where it gets really fucked up.
I read Only Forward a few years ago, and wanted to re-read it so went on Amazon and also bought a few of his other books. I loved Only Forward, but Spares… I dunno. I like it, and I like how he treats the fantastical elements, but I don’t know if its as good as Only Forward
I just read My Life In France and of course now want to go out and spend all my money on copper cookware and work on my classic French cooking skills. I also watched Julie and Julia, which really should have just jettisoned the Julie stuff and concentrated on Julia.
Now I am onto The Quantum Thief, which is good but I keep finding excuses to do something else instead of reading it, which is never a good sign.
Yes! I want a Just Julia director’s cut, where they add in just tons more Meryl Streep time. I think she really nailed that performance.
I love Julia and I love Meryl as Julia. I would watch a movie version of My Life in France over and over again.
Still deep in the Agatha Christie oeuvre.
I’m taking a couple weeks break from my Toast induced Ngaio Marsh re-read; but expect to be back in them soon.
It’s such a perfect genre.
I’m reading Edith Wharton’s House of Mirth right now- it’s my first book by her! It’s super enjoyable.
Americanah is one of my favorite books, it sings to my soul.
I’m currently reading “So you’ve been publicly shamed” by Jon Ronson, and it’s pretty good. I’m dipping my toes into non-fiction, and thought reading about something contemporary- like twitter outrage would be a good place to start. It’s making me think a lot of things about how and when people should be called out.
I barrelled through Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being this week, and I have very, very mixed feelings about it. I was onboard for the first like, 85% of it, and then right at the last minute it pulled this frustrating turn that just completely killed my enthusiasm.
I might start The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle this week, depending on how productive I feel like being.
I just finished Ruth Ozeki’s book too. Was it Ruth’s dream that turned you off? I didn’t mind that myself — events are often more mysterious than we think — but I could see how one might.
Mostly I enjoyed it but also felt it was very fluff despite some beautiful thoughts (about time; about global tide patterns; about details of life in Japan and in extreme-rural coastal Canada). I couldn’t decide if I just have a lame prejudice towards better/more beautiful writing (since after all, the conceit is that half the book is by a teenager, so it is correct and good characterization not to have the prose of that b especially noteworthy), or if it is in fact something I really need to have in a book for good reasons.
It was the dream, and the event directly preceding it. I don’t know how to explain why, but I will admit to being a rather easily frustrated reader. Mostly, I think I wasn’t paying as much attention to the thoughts about time and quantum physics as I should have been, because going back through it, I feel like I should’ve expected the dream sequence more than I did.
I agree that parts of it were very fluff, but I enjoyed most of them for purely personal reasons. I lived in a small city in Japan for a year, and saw both Akiba and rural temples during so, and the way they’re described is very evocative. That, and I love domestic descriptions of life in different parts of the world, so.
I’m reading Americanah too, and loving it so much.
This bit from near the beginning made me think of The Toast: “A precious performance, Blaine had called it, in that gently forbearing tone he used when they talked about novels, as though he was sure that she, with a little more time and a little more wisdom, would come to accept that the novels he liked were superior, novels written by young and youngish men and packed with *things*, a fascinating, confounding accumulation of brands and music and comic books and icons, with emotions skimmed over, and each sentence stylishly aware of its own stylishness.”
I also just started Americanah! I love it so far too.
As far as Edith Wharton goes, I love The Age of Innocence, but House of Mirth is also wonderful–I’d be hard pressed to recommend one over the other.
Book twins! Yay!
I’m reading The Shepherd’s Life: A People’s History of the Lake District by James Rebanks. Too early to give an opinion on it, but I’ll certainly learn a thing or two!
I finished The Sparrow before that, which I liked, but not as much as I had hoped. Something about the way she wrote her characters bothered me, I don’t know.
I love James Rebanks’ Twitter feed. I’ve learned so much about sheep farming from him! Also, utterly stunning landscape photos and sometimes adorable collie puppy antics. His book is on my to-read list.
It seems I need to add Americanah to my reading list!
I’m 90% through Zone One and I just cannot recommend it. Way too slow and introspective. My brain keeps wandering off to other thought processes.
I am very happy to recommend Rebecca Stead. Anyone else reading her? She’s got the teen experience down cold, as I recall it. Her most recent is Goodbye Stranger, which I could not put down and recommend with 5 stars.
I have so far given Americanah as a gift to 5 people. It’s really that good!
And it’s the gift that keeps on giving, I’m sure, because I kind of want to grab everyone I know by the lapels and make them read it too, so we can all discuss.
I also did not care for Zone One. I really thought it would cause I expected it would combine literary style writing with the kind of pulpy shit I love (dude wrote a really enjoyable article a while back about enjoying horror movies as you grow up), but it kind of bored me.
I picked up a friend’s copy of Bill Bryson’s “At Home” and am mostly really enjoying it. (Except when my critical thinking kicks and and starts muttering about what’s being glossed over or left out).
Also – Having read The Happiness Project earlier this year, I now have a couple more Gretchen Rubin’s on my To Read pile.
I just finished The Shuttle by Frances Hodgson Burnett (one of her adult books) and it was surprisingly good. I say surprisingly because I was never a fan of The Secret Garden or her other children’s books. The Shuttle is about the spate of American heiresses marrying into the ranks of the British titled; and one in particular marries a bad man who isolates and mistreats her. When her younger sister is old enough, she goes over to England to rescue the older sister. It’s quite good and enjoyable, and I love the younger sister. Although she is very much an early Strong Female Character who is perfect and stands out from every single other woman around her, especially her sister and her mother. And she does “masculine” things [like think or be proactive] and gets called a genius, repeatedly, by [male] characters who are agog that she would come up with the idea that if villagers had paid work, it might improve their living situation. But not to worry, despite those masculine tendencies, she’s still feminine and sweet and pretty.
Alternating Josephine Tey re-reads with new books – just started Austin Grossman’s Crooked, which seems like it wants to be an American Version of Charles Stross’s Laundry series, only with Richard Nixon as the protagonist?
I’ve been reading the Tiffany Aching Discworld books by Terry Pratchet. I have no idea how I missed them up to now, but I am completely delighted! Serious-minded young woman Getting Shit Done!
Tiffany Aching is THE BEST
I’m re-reading Wee Free Men and it’s so good. I love Tiffany.
Put me down as someone who is cosigning The Age of Innocence!
I’m currently reading The Grace of Kings, which is an interesting fantasy epic! You know how a lot of mainstream high fantasy takes medieval western & central European societies, tosses it into a snowglobe, and shakes it up? Ken Liu does that with medieval Asia and Oceania, so it has a very different feel. I’m really enjoying things like how “eating sticks” (chopsticks), bamboo, and fish are so normalized. It’s also about an extremely multiethnic world too, with appearances/coloring that you wouldn’t normally find. Some people are described as having dark skin and blonde hair, others are red haired and pale, still others have straight black hair and brown eyes. So that’s neat. The writing style reminds me a lot of a translation of the Monkey King/Journey to the West that I’ve read, and that’s pretty cool too. I haven’t read any Chinese literature beyond that (which seems like a major oversight as I’m writing this) so I don’t know if I’m grossly generalizing or not. I’ve mostly consumed Chinese lit and storytelling through martial arts movies, but I can draw a lot of the character parallels and tropes. 😉
The only real downside (and it’s pretty significant) is that there is a dearth of fully developed female characters, especially relative to male characters. One of the main male characters is a feminist (basically) so that is pretty neat. I found an NPR review of the book that promises that Liu sort of “fixes” this shortcoming in the last third of the book. I’m about at that point in the book and I think I’m seeing it but I’m not completely satisfied yet. Still need to finish the book.
This might be a question for once you’ve finished it, but would you say it’s worth reading even with a lack of female characters? I was very excited when I first heard about this book, and then I got very frustrated when I saw that once again, a promising new fantasy epic didn’t bother developing female characters.
I got a little farther on my bus ride to the gym today, and I can definitely say that it’s worth reading! It kind of feels like he was doing a more traditional Chinese lit (again, actual Chinese lit people may disagree with me here and I will defer to them) at first and then towards the end he was like “WTF am I doing? I need more ladies” and now there’s double (ok, so four) well-developed lady characters in the book, as opposed to the first third of the book only having one (who was basically a love interest) and then the second third introducing only one other lady. Also, now the earlier lady characters have more development/growth, so that’s pretty swell too.
If this interplay continues–at the point of the book I’m at now, one of the lady characters has actually said to one of the main characters, “WTF dude, why aren’t you considering all of the talented women who you could ally with?!?” and the dude responds with “you are totally right, I’m a dumbass”*–I think it bodes really well for the rest of the series. This book is being framed as the first of a trilogy, and although I haven’t finished it yet, I’m hopeful!
*my synopsis are great, right?
Wonderful! I’ll definitely pick it up, then. And yes, your summary is the best.
I felt like he did a great job translating The Three Body Problem, and I liked his translator’s note almost as much as the book itself, so I’m excited to read his original work.
I really, really want to track down The Three Body Problem! I’ve first heard about it here and I’m excited by the idea of it.
My local independent book store is starting a monthly book subscription where they mail you a signed first edition of a book that they think is/will be important and noteworthy. I immediately rolled my eyes and assumed that it would whatever new book from whatever old and established white dude but it’s not! They’ve announced the first 4 books and they’re ALL written by women. I’m very much looking forward to giving them my money.
Can I just say that I love this as a way to sustain a local independent book store? Subscriptions are such a big thing right now, and signed first editions are such a book lover thing. I hope that this will help your local book store keep up the $$ and be sustainable and all those fun things!
What bookstore? If they ship I would like to sign up.
They ship anywhere in the US! http://www.literatibookstore.com/literati-cultura…
This week I’ve read some more Agatha Christie (turns out I’m not done with her yet), some cookbooks, China Rich Girlfriend, and A God in Ruins, which I think means I’ve read almost every Kate Atkinson book in the span of about two months or less. I also read one chapter of I Am Pilgrim and then noped the fuck out of there. I thought maybe I’d seen it recommended on the Toast, but after the grossly sexualized re imagining of a woman’s murder that starts the book, that may not be true.
I just finished the most bonkers nonfiction ever – Charlatan: America’s Most Dangerous Huckster, the Man Who Pursued Him, and the Age of Flimflam
You’d think the title says it all, but no, my friends. It does not.
It’s about this guy Brinkley who set himself up as a doctor in 1917 with this operation to stick goat gonads into dudes’ testicles to improve manliness, and because: dudes, they flocked to get their balls cut open because Viagra wasn’t invented yet, and Brinkley makes millions, like literal MILLIONS doing this & some other fraudulent medical stuff (yes, he put goat ovaries in women, too – not as often, cause women aren’t quite that dumb.)
AND THEN it keeps going – he is genius at marketing, and ends up pioneering in radio, totally introduces bluegrass & country to the entire nation/world, there’s a whole thing about running for governor of Kansas and election fraud and the first recorded advertising and of course the AMA’s establishing itself as anti-hucksters and the one guy at the AMA who was Brinkley’s nemesis, and it’s SO CRAZY AND I LOVED IT.
Also I recently read Molly O’Keefe for the first time – she writes contemporary romance, and I was totally enchanted / engrossed. I read tons and tons of romance, and a lot of it I like but just move on, but she was delicious.
That is definitely going on my to-read list!
wow. wow! did many of the dudes die or what? I’m just picturing the goat gonads rotting inside the man’s body.
Oh did I forget to mention that some people call this guy one of America’s worst SERIAL KILLERS? Right, people done got dead left right & center around his surgeries, but he was such a master of the “testimonial” and his own PR machine that the line of corpses got ignored – much to the frustration of his American Medical Association nemesis, who spent like over 20 years trying to bring him down.
Oh yes, I’ve heard about Brinkley! There’s a great episode of the memory palace about him.
that is insane and I can’t wait to read it!
I recently tore through the first three books in the Raven Cycle and I’m pretty obsessed now. It’s been a while since I read anything that I got super into and it was GREAT to have that feeling back.
Just finished Station Eleven and it was so great it made me want to dance. Mostly, anyway – could’ve dealt with a few thousand less words on Rich Philandering Actor Troubles. But I also fear that Emily St. John Mandel’s other work will inevitably not be as great, and that the upcoming film adaptation will ruin everything.
Are you me? I had similar reactions!
i loved Station Eleven! I haven’t read any of her other books yet either but want to.
Reading GOING CLEAR. Cheering and jeering simultaneously. Also shuddering a lot.
I’ve read it twice! And seen the documentary 1.5 times! If you haven’t listened yet, I highly recommend the Dead Authors podcast episodes with Andy Daly playing LRH. There are two of them and they are amazing.
Good to know! And how did you get through it TWICE? I’m halfway now and despairing for everyone involved and worried about Laura Prepon and remembering weird TV ads for Dianetics with crazy volcanic eruption animation in them from my childhood. It’s a lot to absorb!
I’m reading Elena Ferrante #2, “The Story Of A New Name.” I’m liking her books a lot but they’re quite slow paced at times so it’s taking me a week or two to read each. I’m also rereading “Little Women” with mixed feelings.
For Edith Wharton, I like “House of Mirth” a lot! Also if you like “Gossip Girl” there are LOTS of “House of Mirth” refreneces in Gossip Girl so that was very exciting for me. “Age of Innocence” is also good. “Ethan Frome” is boring, don’t read that one.
I just finished Seveneves and would love to discuss it with anyone. It was a bit of a trudge (more than a bit) but I also was really into reading it because I love space adventures that are close to reality.
I picked Americanah for a new book club I was facilitating, where most of the participants were old men who lived in the apartment building. I picked it so I wouldn’t have to read that Anthony Doerr book that everyone loves, and because the main member of the group had traveled a lot in his live, so I thought he would appreciate the perspective of the main character. The first 1/2 hour was taken up by the men saying they had not bothered to read the book and talking about their war experiences. Then a younger woman arrived who had read and loved the book and engaged with the questions I had prepared. Eventually the main older dude said “Oh, I should have read this. It sounds like I would like it!”
Going to start Jo-Jo’s Bizarre Adventure as some light reading after Seveneves
Great book club selection! Boo men for not reading.
I actually really enjoyed Seveneves. I understand some of the criticism, especially of the third section, but I love a good space adventure. This felt much more to me like Reamde, which is the other Stephenson novel that I really enjoyed. I’ve tried Cryptonomicon several times and started Anathem, but I find I much prefer his science fiction/adventure style to the more philosophical. Also, the very idea of the Hard Rain and the White Sky seems just so terrifying that I think it really touched my empathy buttons for the fictional people in the story. Plus, women!
This was my first Stephenson and I will definitely read more, even though it’s not my favorite personal style of writing. I loved all the women characters, and it was very plausible and scary. I liked that he didn’t kill the characters who were THE WORST even though it would have been satisfying.
I liked Seveneves a lot! My only issue was that I wished that the last section was either shorter (like a crazy WTF-esque epilogue) or long enough to really delve into all the minutiae of it all.
I have about 30 pages left of Bleak House and then I have A Little Life on hold at the library (I heard that it will be the saddest book I’ve ever read)
Bleak House <3
I’ve been rereading Ruth Rendall novels, which is fun and easy. Audiobooks, I’ve been listening to some Val McDermid mysteries.
Another “I loved Americanah ” comment.
Cheering: White Teeth because how did I take me so long to pick this one up?
Jeering: Missoula because ugh rape culture. It’s an excellent read though, despite being written by a dude.
I just finished the second book of the Inheritance Trilogy by N. K. Jemisin and I cannot wait to start the third tonight.
I recommended the first book to a guy on my brand new OK Cupid account. In return, he recommended me Warhammer 40K.
Also, thank you to whoever recommended the I Don’t Even Own A Television podcast in the books that didn’t change your life thread, because I got to listen to an hour of people ripping on Ready Player One and DAMN I needed that.
I just finished Northhanger Abbey, the last one of Austen’s novels I’ve got around to, and I wish I had read it sooner, because it’s hilarious. I am extremely in favour of muslin-buying, novel-reading Henry Tilney as a love interest.
Troo confession: My sophomore year, I wrote a paper for my English survey class defending silly Catherine Tilney. I can’t recall why, now.
I’m about to finish a second read of Americanah (soooo gooood. Half of a Yellow Sun is on the short list to get to soon). Since I also finished My Life in Middlemarch this weeks, that means I get to start on my next short stack of books. Woo hoo!
That includes: Go Tell it on the Mountain (been meaning to read Baldwin forever), Goodbye Without Leaving, and The Stranger (because my book group’s about to do The Mersault Investigation, so I want a refresher).
I’m moving tomorrow and am well into the OH GOD I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF AAAAAAH stage. On the upside, this the last day of a 4.5 year intermediate distance relationship, and I am SO EXCITED. (To be clear, I’m moving back in with my gentleman friend, not turfing him. He is a delight and I’m so glad he stuck around through the slog.) How are your various moves going, Toasties?
UGH.
I will elaborate, but I had to get that out first. Because the answer is, actually, quite well. I’m just tired of being in a moving state and I want to be done with the whole thing. And yet the done-horizon keeps receding further into the distance. That said, the positives are that we’re sloughing off stuff like crazy in the lead up to the move, and we’re pretty flexible. I am also getting more and more excited about the possibilities in our new location and exploring and all of that jazz. It’s a nice counter balance to all the UGH.
Ugh, the receding done-horizon is the woooorst. I have also jettisoned so much stuff! I think I took six or seven garbage bags of clothes and shoes and things to the donation bins, which, good god why did I have so many pairs of ill fitting pants?!
Yes! I have pants that I hate. Why? Why did I keep them so long? I’m winnowing to my favorite four pairs of pants, so getting dressed in the morning is a bit like the hunger games: if I put a pair on and it doesn’t fit perfectly, I take it right back off and put it in the donation pile. It’s hugely liberating.
SO LIBERATING.
I was supposed to move in with my gentleman on Wednesday but on Monday, when confirming key handover with the landlord, he mentioned whoops, no, we can’t move in until the 31.
I am sad because I had been counting down the days until the start of our co-habitating bliss, and I don’t want to wait two more weeks!
I am also annoyed because moving on the last day of the month is such a headache. All the trucks are booked, and then trying to move everything out AND clean before noon all in one day is so much worse than having a few days of owning two places at once.
But I will say that I finally got rid of a bunch of lululemon that I own from when I was thinner. All those super tight luon shirts will never not give me a visible belly button (you know what I mean? When your belly sticks out so the depression of your belly button is visible?) so it’s time to donate them. I just felt sad parting with like hundreds of ill spent dollars
Yeah, that’s why I’m moving this weekend and not next weekend. It’s way easier to get a truck and having time afterwards to clean an empty apartment makes everything so much easier. And hurray for getting rid of clothes that don’t fit right, even if they were super expensive!
Stressful ASF. I don’t know how I’ll get it all done, it’s still too early to pack some things, I need to get into drawers and start culling and bagging. Also I spent the weekend in NYC and it was so hot and humid and then I came back to LA and I’m like, whyyyyy are we doing this. I asked my dude if he’s sure he still really loves his family so much he can’t move west. It would be so much simpler and less humid! He apparently still loves them. POUT.
That’s all really, I hate talking about it and it’s all I talk about, but I hate not talking about it because it’s all I think about.
Yay for the end of distance in your relationship! I am finally ending distance from the rest of my belongings, which have been in storage for 2.5 years. The truck is due to arrive on Monday and I will be gloriously inundated with boxes of kitchen gear and linens and BOOKS (I have missed my books)! I am actually looking forward to sorting through it all and deciding what to keep and what I no longer need and can donate 😀
Hey Toasties! It’s been a rough and very busy week, so… I think everyone should share pictures of their adorable kitties and then anyone whose had a rough week too can get a smile! (Or frankly, even if you didn’t have a rough week.)
Here’s my babies. I post way too many pics of them on instagram (floofykitties), but here are my faves of each this week:
Ella:
Kit:
Pepper:
Here is Oliver sitting on the twin box spring I’d pulled out of the spare room to loan to a friend.
By “pulled out to loan a friend”, you clearly meant “pulled out for my cat to climb on”! Everything we do is for our cats, dontcha know?
Obviously!
Here is my cat when she was a kitten.
Oh my gosh, SO TINY AND CUTE AND PRETTY!
Those are amazing eyes!
That is a beautiful cat. Wow.
Pile of legs! (With the plastic king cake baby he likes to chase around, it makes him look like a monster predator)
Ahhh I love when cats curl into positions like that. They’re just so squishy!
!!!!! hahaha I love his toy
I have kitty gifs this week.
First, this is the greatest discovery ever – our kitten will ride the roomba:
Here another of our kitties demanding more treats:
Such pretty kitties!
They’re so gorgeous, ahhh, I love it!
The bottom cat is saying “No treats–plz to be correcting!”
Here are some adorable shelter pups to add to the kitties.
PUPPIES!!!!! Awww, they’re so sweet! I miss being able to have dogs.
I don’t have any of my cat from this week, but here are a couple of my favourites that I think I’ve posted before:
And him desperately trying to get the attention of a moose:
That first picture is everything to me, he looks like he just overheard some amazing secret and can’t tell.
Also the MOOSE, haha.
Their doomed love story is one of my favourite things ever.
Klaas-Jan was very adorable this week, so.
Here he is helping with my work (note: he is not helping):
Here he is hiding under the flap of my bag, lying in wait for the laser pointer:
Here he is communicating with the gods:
And here he is enjoying some well-deserved cuddles:
He’s so cute! I love the white marking on his face.
Adorable pictures! I’m curious about the extra item on his collar. Is that a decoration or is it somehow for identification purposes? I’m asking because the collar tag the shelter gave us is a little big and my cat keeps trying to eat it and keeps getting startled by it, so I’m looking into alternatives.
It’s an ID tag! They’re common here. Inside that is a little rolled-up piece of paper with his name, address, and my phone number in it.
Oh that’s a great idea! I’m also looking into getting a collar with the name and phone number embroidered right on it.
That would be good too! The tags are super cheap here, so I went with that, but embroidered would also be good.
I just adopted a cat on Saturday and I am so happy! His name is Charlie and he is about 1 year old. He is really into chasing and playing with my hair ties, which is adorable but I am worried he will eat them.
My cat Ella loves to play with hair ties, she’s never eaten any though so I wouldn’t be too worried. They just seem to like the size of them and the way they fling through the air, haha.
It’s the only thing he will play with on his own! He is totally not interested in the ball-in-a-track toy I got him.
My sister’s cat has played fetch with hair ties and rings made of pipe cleaners since he was a kitten. He never tries to eat them, but he loves to chase them and then drop them near our feet.
That’s good to know! He does kind of play fetch with them too. He really chews on them as well, which is why I was nervous about the eating. Especially since last night I spilled a (cooked) penne pasta noodle on the floor and he scarfed it up in like 2 seconds.
She wriggled under there, squeaked until I poked her, squeaked every time I poke her, and waggled her tail every time I stopped.
Aw! I love the blurry tail.
Here is Triton napping with his monkey
and here is Sebastian going ‘Steal your monkey? I would NEVER!’
TOO CUTE
oh noooooo too cute
Toasties, as requested, a report back on Hamlet starring Benedict Cumberbatch!
Unsurprisingly, Cumberbatch was fantastic. This was also extremely surreal to watch–I kept having these moments where I went, “Wow. That’s Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s a live human being and not projected on a screen.” The set design for this production was amazing as well. One of the friends I went with is a high school English teacher, and she and I had fun talking about all the symbolism they’d put into the set, the lighting, the costumes. And I’m not going to spoil anything, but I seriously have no idea how they physically pulled off the set in the second act.
Post-show, we and a mob of other fans went and waited by the stage door. Cumberbatch did a quick walk down the (very long) line, signing a few autographs and even posing for a couple selfies with the people at the very, very front of the crowd. None of us were able to get an autograph, but we got some excellent pictures, and we were three feet from Benedict Cumberbatch. Which is pretty awesome.
My salivary glands have just gone crazy.
Thanks for the report!
I am very jealous!
Excellent, I’ve got tickets to see the live-to-cinema broadcast in October.
… my girlfriend has a thing for this Dunderbunch fellow, are you saying it’s possible to get movie tickets to see this show?
I’m googling but help would be appreciated 🙂
It’s part of the NT live thing -they broadcast live performances from theatres into cinemas. I’ve seen Frankenstein with Cumberbatch and Miller, Corlolanus with Hiddles, booked for this and Rocky Horror as well. Your local cinema should have details if they’re doing screenings, or this site you can put your postcode in and find the nearest.
http://ntlive.nationaltheatre.org.uk/productions/…
my hero! thanks!
26 days until I walk away from my cushy, secure job to switch careers in midlife. No worries AT ALL. Possibly insane, but gotta dream.
Oh, god. Where’s the Toastie job board? Do we have a job board yet?
Good luck! I am actually moving forward and doing things and stuff on starting my own nonprofit and it’s TERRIFYING and AWESOME and EXCITING and DID I MENTION TERRIFYING?
I wish we had a job board! My friend/former roommate was unceremoniously fired for a really stupid reason at the beginning of the summer, and she is having a nightmare of a time getting hired. She is so smart, and aces at schmoozing, so where have all the non-profit/donor relations jobs gone??
Um, if she’s qualified/in the Philly area, she could be my boss! We’ve been looking for a director of development for what feels like an eternity. In the meantime, I’m a one-woman show.
I wish – she’s in NYC like me, and I don’t know if she’s director-level … although I suppose you never know. I hope you find a good director soon! Doing it all on your own is exhausting, if occasionally gratifying.
YES! Job Board! Lets do it!
Not just a job board, but a business directory, too, so if you need an accountant/baker/nanny/scientist/editor/lawyer, etc, etc, you can look up a Toastie! How cool would that be?
Oh, excellent idea!
We sort of have this in the NYC Toast/Pin FB group … it’s more of a “does anyone know a good _____?” doc with recommendations than a true business directory, but it’s so useful!
Maybe we could add in two tabs to the Toast Connections spreadsheet? One where we share jobs that Toasties would love, one where Toasties in business for themselves can post their services?
I had the storefront tab but changed it to ‘stores & services’
Added a job posting tab!
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1_26MiL9WN…
I have had a first meeting with a personal trainer. She seems good and is keen on weights and stuff. We did a few exercises so she could look at how I moved and apparently I have good movement, so at least there’s something to start with!
That’s awesome! Congratulations! I also just started and man, the one-on-one attention is really motivating.
Yes, the motivation is really what I need, I am super unmotivated on my own. My parents are actually paying for it, which is great – my mom’s been going through a big health kick for the past couple of years, and when I was home she was bothering me about how I should exercise more, so I said “well, do you want to pay for a trainer?” Apparently, yes.
So, I’ll update (and preface this by saying I’M FINE NOW) – just went to Crossfit, had a massive asthma attack for the first time in my entire life. Trainer was standing there, extremely concerned, going “You didn’t tell me you had asthma! I’m calling an ambulance!” and I’m going “WHEEZE WHEEZE I DON’T HAVE ASTHMA” and he was all “UMMMM.”
So I guess I get to go to the doctor and ask about that, but dammit, I am not giving up. He told me he can have me doing pull-ups before the year is out.
Eeep! Glad you’re OK!
I told my trainer that I have a history with exercise-induced asthma- I’m not sure it’s still a thing for me, because some people grow out of it, but I am Very Unathletic so I haven’t been able to find out. But at least she knows.
Starting with good movement is fantastic and important! Go, you! I hope you have a great time learning from her and getting strong!
She seemed surprised that I didn’t…do anything, or have a background in doing stuff. But I don’t! (I’d think she was just being nice/encouraging but Dutch people don’t work that way.)
I really like marigolds, Bartender. I do not like this past week very much, though. Email Q and A with an author I like a lot was turned down by her publicist, which reduces my pay at that already-scroungy job. Asked for slightly more $ at one that pays even less and I think they’ve let me go as a result. And my housemate is becoming a little too comfortable talking about how he hates women in front of me. The day I came to look at the place he mentioned a guy who wanted to rent this room, but said the situation was weird, “and then I remembered how you’re kind of mousy and nondescript,” so yay me, I get to deal with his mommy and sister and all lesbians are disgusting issues. It was this or a homeless shelter and I chose to try and find the good here, but it’s rapidly eroding. I’d like to get reestablished somewhere on my own terms so I can look back on him with pity, rather than the more volcanic hatred I’ve been battling this week. But marigolds are rad, yes.
Sending wishes for your safe shelter. Is there anything concrete we can do–can we send freelance work your way? Send you actual dollars? That dude sounds like a hemorrhoid.
Oh, thanks. I just need to find a place that’s off the realtor radar because I’ve never made 3X what I pay–more often the rent is everything I’ve earned plus a chunk of savings. And it’s complicated here, as in many situations. He’s a very good guy on some levels–helped me move at no charge, waited for bills to come in before deciding he didn’t need more rent, etc. But he’s a rampant stoner and gets obliterated every night, and I sometimes think he uses that as an excuse for these really abrasive, shitty things he says (like insulting my work reviewing books as basically valueless because his friend is an ‘actual’ writer…who has published about .001% as much as me in obscure gay lit journals), and also zoning out and leaving the doors unlocked at night. So–I hope to get out before he burns the place down and leave him to his precious opinions ASAP. He doesn’t deserve my patronage, or my housekeeping. 😛
Aw thanks, Manka. I love the weird sepia toning of this GIF, like it’s from way back when Friends was actually a silent movie. *holds up little placard reading “how you doin’?”*
Marigolds have such a particular and great smell, too, don’t they? I wouldn’t want them indoors, but I love picking their seed pods and scattering them, partly for the touch sense of it, partly for the smell (and of course, more marigolds!).
I think they’d be sad indoors anyway, but 100% yes to that magical spicy dirt aroma. Picking tomatoes here I sometimes get covered in tomato leaf smell, and it’s on that same spectrum but a little more…cilantro-ey? I like it, but I don’t LIKE it like it.
Flowers! I bought some tuberoses at the farmer’s market last Saturday. They smell overwhelmingly and gorgeously like the tropics. I have been moving them around depending which room I’m in, which feels like luxurious behavior even though it’s the simplest thing in the world.
Oh god, tuberoses are the best thing in the whole world. How does something smell so good?
See also: gardenias
So here I am, living in a new state with my excellent, if not particularly social, boyfriend and cat, and I’m reflecting on my misspent college years and how easily I seemed to pick up friends.
How do I do that in my mid-twenties when I’m constantly exhausted from work (and I work from home anyway so it’s not like I can just go out with my coworkers and call that a social life)? I’m past the fear-of-missing-out stage of life, I just want to go get a drink with someone who’s both female AND human.
Alternately, does anyone live in northern Colorado?
Are you me? I was literally contemplating posting exactly this. Sans boyfriend and cat.
I find it impossible to make friends these days, the only friends I have are people from before London who happened to also move here and one person that I lived with and forced myself to be friends with (in a good way), but she’s leaving now.
Had a very shit week and even my mother suggested I need to get some more friends.
I feel like it’s an incredibly common problem, really, so I’m sure there are plenty of like-minded people near me…I just need to find them! Or make all my faraway college friends move here to be with me.
I’ve been feeling similarly minus the move. I have a few great friends, but some are either coupled up, often busy with activities I’m not that into or otherwise just not always available a the moments when I could use friend time (and, to be fair, I’m prone to get busy in ways where I’m not especially pursuing friend time or showing up for it as much as I could/should). But basically, I feel like I could use some more friends and find it so hard and exhausting to get out there and do anything about it. #introvertproblems
Replace “cat” with “cats” and this is me. I tried a stich ‘n bitch, which was fun enough… but I didn’t really click with any of the girls there. It’s hard making new friends when you’re no longer a student!
Is “northern Colorado” Fort Collins or close by? College towns are kind-of easier because it seems like there are university sponsored community events that draw students, professors and their families, and educated townies such as youreself. So look for those opportunities if that’s your area. Otherwise, can you join a book club through your local library, or take a class doing something you like todo/would like to learn to do?
Fort Collins yesssss. I need to find out what music the youths are listening to these days so I can figure out the right shows to go to.
I feel like the knitting scene here is ripe for friendmaking, I just need to pick up the needles again, which is…weirdly intimidating, considering what a hardcore knitter I was before.
Hey, I live near Fort Collins and go there a lot! Let’s meet up sometime.
You can email me at hawthorncrataegus (at) gmx (dot) com – I’d love to get drinks with a toastie!
YES YES YES
Emailing now!
Hello this is a problem I am quite familiar with. Meetup.com is solving a lot of my “I haven’t left the house for two days” weekend problems, but week/working days are a different beast. It’s tough. All you can do is try to join as much stuff as you can and then keep putting yourself out there.
No real advice here as I just moved to be with my partner and spend my days wandering around in a daze wondering how i ended up in Silicon Valley. BUT, I have reached out and tried to get in touch with lady-heavy communities–for instance I just took a work trade position at my yoga studio. Not sure what will come of this, but I’m hoping that it may lead to friends.
SAME. I only have a friend right now because my bff from college moved back to go to grad school. I found a group on meetup that seemed like it miiiight lead to some friends (it’s a group for geek girls and they play board games, which sounds nice) but their meetings all conflict with my schedule, so…shrug? Internet friends only?
I’m in a similar situation. All my local friends have moved away. I’m in a quilt guild, which is good and social, but I’m the only one that’s single (I’d rather not be), and feel left out of conversations. I feel like a failure for not being in a relationship or having children (both of which I want more than anything). I don’t have roommates. I work in a super small office, and I’m starting to feel like there isn’t a place for me at my church (not a problem with doctrine, just feel left out). I don’t know what to do.
Just a heads-up that Autostraddle started a series about making friends as an adult that’s going to look at using technology to bring you closer to people rather than keeping them at bay. As someone who is resource poor in that arena, I plan to stay tuned.
This is fantastic and perfect. Thanks for the heads up!
man I was thinking about this recently, like about how in college I could just be friends with ANYONE, but in retrospect a lot of them weren’t great and we haven’t spoken since graduation and I’m still in touch with the great ones. and maybe my struggle to make friends now is more that I’m better at knowing the difference between someone I can spend a few fun Meetup-type hours with, and someone I want to be friends with.
I still WANT more of the latter, but realizing that made me feel like less of a failure at finding them and more like a success at socializing without commitment.
The first year sucks, and the second year less so, and eventually you have located the besties for you in the area, but they never EVAR show up in that first year. Although i think somehow one has to go out looking for them, to proce your worth. I found my tribe mostly by shaking hands with everyone and offering to hang out with EVERYONE and also as the parent at home it helped me to have a contact card – like business card except it was just me and the kids and phone numbers and I could write down times I routinely free.
I think the hardest but most productive thing is to be relentless about getting out of the house, doing things you would be pleased to do even if there were no potential friends in the offing.
My favourite flowers are peonies! I had a badass wedding bouquet made of bright pink peonies. I don’t see them often at florists’ though 🙁
I asked about these for my wedding and was told they would have to be shipped from Brazil! You must have gotten married at just the right time because they don’t last very long.
Seconding the peonies. At a certain point in June here they all bloom and it is glorious. Covered in ants, but glorious. Especially since it usually coincides with the lilacs.
The exciting “Will they or won’t they have ants?” question is part of the charm of peonies! Best flowers.
mine, too! (along with ranunculus, “little spring frog.” Oh, and hellebores too). In my old city, they only and always had peonies in the spring — very very seasonal. I feel like, even if they were shipped in from somewhere remote, they would not be as nice in other seasons as they are in the spring. But it is a good excuse to splurge on them when they are around!
Ha! you named the holy trinity – peonies, rabunculus and hellebores… All horrendously delicate and perishable but somehow extra beautiful to compensate…
Things You Don’t Know To Appreciate At The Time: the house where we lived when I was 5-19 years old had a long border of peonies in the front yard, and it wasn’t until my parents moved while I was in college that I realized peonies were not, in fact, to be had at the drop of a hat. (The house also had an asparagus bed in the back yard, and man what a disillusionment to realize I had to buy asparagus, and it was expensive, not just something you strolled out into the garden to cut for free.)
They’re pretty much May and June only flowers, depending on where you live. They’re also outrageously expensive in the off season, but SO WORTH IT.
And flowerwise, I love me some tulips. New errand for next week: get some flowers for the new apartment 🙂
My favorite as well! I actually have a tattoo of a tulip- it is flame colored, which I believe firmly is the best color for tulips to be.
Serious question: what color is flame colored? In my experience, flames are mostly plain ol’ yellow, with occasional hints of blue. But I’m pretty sure other people mean red or orange when they say flame colored. If flame colored tulips are those wonderful bright orangey-red ones, then you are completely right that that is the best color for tulips to be.
I went to Keukenhof and some flower fields with my parents this year, and you know what, it is totally worth doing as touristy as it is.
Oh lord I bought my plane ticket to New Zealand last Friday (I’m going in February as an early 30th birthday present to myself) and since then I have just been hemorrhaging money on this trip. Hotel bookings that require advance payment, activities I need to book now before they sell out, etc… I can’t even bring myself to try to total it all up at the moment for fear I might black out.
OTOH, I loooooove planning trips (my itinerary is already 10 pages long and I’m just getting started) and this is going to be just the best time ever. And my annual bonus comes in before I leave, which should cover the entire trip. So I’m trying to rationalize the fact that I’m about to blow my entire savings account RIGHT NOW because I will be able to fill it back up when the cash comes in.
That sounds amazing! I’d love to see New Zealand. Say hi to the penguins!
OH I WILL. I am obsessed with penguins and will be so disappointed if I don’t see at least one in the wild. There’s a fjord that I’m kayaking (I KNOW) that apparently is a big breeding ground for them, so fingers crossed.
That sounds so exciting! You will have a marvelous time!
Thank you! I am so pumped… I have never wanted winter (here in the northern hemisphere, anyway) to come sooner!
February is a great time to come, the weather is the most settled and kids have gone back to school. I don’t think a lot of things will sell out so far in advance, but it probably depends on what you’re doing. Where are you going?
Flying into Auckland, driving down through the North Island, flying from Wellington to Queenstown and driving down through the bottom half of the South Island… Highlights of the trip include Hobbiton (of course), skydiving & jet-boating in Taupo, hiking Tongariro, kayaking Milford Sound, and a night on Stewart Island. I might try to finish my scuba certification in Bay of Plenty or maybe Stewart Island, but I’m not totally sold on that yet. I’m actually finding that a lot of hotels don’t have availability for the day(s) that I want – luckily TripAdvisor has been a godsend and I’ve found a lot of good places.
I didn’t know the kids would already be back in school, so that makes me feel a lot better! I am not anti-kid but the last two weeks of the summer months here (this week of August and next week) is a huuuuuuuuuge vacation period, where every rugrat under the sun is at the beach, and everything is overcrowded, and it’s terrible. That still doesn’t explain why a bunch of hotels are booked, but whatever.
Sounds lovely. Yeah, I’m not anti-kid either, but it’s still always good to avoid the holidays!
The Tongariro Crossing is awesome – but make sure you’re well equipped, need gear for snow (even in summer!), rain, cold, even if it’s a gorgeous day when you start. Milford Sound is also fantastic, make sure you bring shitloads of insect repellent.
I’m actually just running out the door to catch a ferry, on holiday for a wee bit, but if you have any NZ-specific questions email me at thecaptainnancy at gmail. Though it seems you know what you’re doing =)
Just wanted to post this anecdote in light of Mallory’s Changeling article earlier this week.
A few years ago, a nurse at my mum’s hospital pretended to everyone that she was my mum’s daughter (they are both Chinese-Malaysian). She did not tell my mum she was doing this, so one day, another nurse said, “Oh, I met your daughter the other day”, and my mum said, “How? She lives in Japan at the moment.” “No, your other daughter.” Well, as my mum is herself a very odd woman, she did not say, “I only have one daughter.” She said, “Oh, that’s nice.” I don’t know why. She then figured it was the other Chinese nurse, as there was only one in the hospital, and asked her. “Yes, I have been telling people that I’m your daughter, as I thought it would help as you are more senior.”
I think this is an odd thing to do. My mum was fine with it. This week, my family had dinner with this changeling wannabe, who after a while, turned to me and said, “You know, you don’t look anything like either of your parents, or your brother.” I find this comment to be creepy as a. yes I do and b. changeling woman’s trying to get in my head! Tell me I don’t belong in my own family! And my mum was just like, “Oh, maybe she doesn’t look like us, I don’t know.”
What rituals do I need to do now to stop being changelinged out of my family!?
D: This is — weird and scary. But also a great premise for a horror movie, so take notes? I have no useful advice.
OMG this made me spit out my coffee. Indeed, it is good there is public documentation of this story.
If you suddenly disappear from the Internet in a few weeks, we will know. We will remember.
No one will know. The changeling is obvs an expert and will take over every part of her life.
WHAT.
OMG. Since you’re of Chinese-Malaysian descent, maybe the euro stuff of iron and salt won’t work for you. I’m not super familiar with E Asian lore but there’s such a deep history there that there has to be something. ;D
I recommend reading The Ghost Bride for distraction and research.
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Ghost-Bride-A-Novel/dp/0…
Thank you for this rec, I’ve been trying to read more books by POC/WOC and this completely counts!
That is unsettling. I got nothing, but WOW.
Maybe what works on a penanggalan will also work on a changeling? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penanggalan
Oh man it’s Single Chinese-Malaysian Female!
EXACTLY what I was thinking!
That sounds completely surreal!
Okay, but your mum was hospitalized a few YEARS ago, and she’s still at your family dinner table this WEEK?
I think you’ve been changelinged already, maybe?
I think the mother works at the hospital? I got the impression from OP that the changeling woman was a less-senior co-worker.
Oh wait my mum was also a nurse. Sorry if that wasn’t clear. Maybe it’s less weird if you’re reading this and you think it’s taking place on a psychiatric ward.
That is quite alarming. Don’t let her steal your life!
Gym/Fitness/Exercise thread!
What were your PRs or big moments this week, toasties?
I had a really rough week 🙁
I’ve been doing Texas Method for 9 weeks, PRing my 5RM backsquat every Saturday week after week, to the point that my 5RM is now higher than what my 1RM was before I started the program, as I mentioned last week. This week I was finally due for the big one: 92kg. This matters because 91kg is 200lbs, and squatting 200lbs was my 2014 new years goal that has eluded me for what, 20 months now? I was so keen!
So, the program said to get 92kg for 5 reps, and I couldn’t even do ONE. I think it’s a combination of the mental game that certain numbers can play, and that 9 weeks of PRs is great so maybe it’s time for a deload week anyway, and that my partner was away for the past 6 weeks but is back now, and I get less sleep when he’s around, so perhaps I haven’t been recovering as well. But still. After two attempts I sat on my platform and cried without even loosening my belt.
That’s also just how Texas Method works, so we reduced the volume day this week and this weekend I will try 92kg again. Stay tuned next Open Thread for better news, I hope!
(Ps. How do people feel about me mentioning specific numbers? I’ve noticed most other people tend to avoid specifically saying the weights they’ve lifted, so I have been too, except that the specific number was relevant to my feelings this week. Thoughts?)
I don’t mind specific numbers at all, but other folks may have different feelings. I hadn’t ever heard of the Texas Method! Thanks for sharing.
I would love to see your numbers!
So I wanted to focus a bit before replying to this, and first of all: it is awesome that you are now up to attempting 92kg for reps, given the way you’ve described your progress over the past 9 weeks! TM can be pretty grueling and so is going hard for 9 weeks without deloading is some serious ass shit.
I think you’re thinking of the right stuff vis a vis “maybe if I give myself more a break, I can kill that 200lb barrier” thing, so no worries there. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’ve made tremendous progress this summer!
Thanks Hieu! I usually deload every 8 weeks but thought I could handle a few more because I’m usually quite adaptable to volume (maybe I have flown too close to the sun… or maybe one week of reduced volume is enough. Stay tuned for next week’s open thread)
Maybe! I mean, honestly, if we could all just keep on adding 5lbs on our heavy days, we would all have absurd 1RM. 😉
That being said, we’re all rooting for you! If it’s not now, it’ll be soon. 😀
I went to the gym on a day when both my workout buddies couldn’t and I was all crampy and miserable from my period and didn’t want to go. But I made myself go. And I did my usual dumbbell routine and it didn’t suck! So I’m going to push myself to go when I’m not feeling it more often.
Sometimes when I don’t feel like going I say, “I shall go, but I shall be gentle with myself” and then I get there and 5 minutes in I feel totally fine. In fact, sometimes when I’m feeling period-y, I feel better after!
I was boggling at my fitness freak friend and how she managed to consistently get to the gym even when she was feeling gross. She told me her trick was to tell herself ‘if you’re still feeling like shit after 10 minutes, you can go home’.
I tried it, and it does work! I’m not using the gym anymore, but I use it for getting me to soccer training.
I’ve been following a 30 day arm challenge I found at Refinery29 and today was able to complete 2×15 bicep curls with 10 pound dumbbells and 2×15 overhead presses with 15 pound dumbbells
I cycled 80km in 3 hours! I’d be quite pleased with this as I’m a very slow cyclist, but we were in Belgium and it was like, flat as a pancake. So really it isn’t that much of an achievement.
That is both far and fast!
Yeeahaw! We’re about to do a 60 k ride this weekend, which is my longest ever, and I’m a bit nervous.
I did my initial Crossfit intake earlier this week and I’m going for my first Olympic lifting training session today. My goal, per prior Toast articles/threads, is to be able (in case of bad first dates) to lift a man over my head and throw him several feet.
My PT guy says next month we start prep work for returning to lifting heavy! Did I already say that last week? I don’t remember! I don’t care! I’m SO EXCITED ABOUT IT.
Hooray hooray!
I ran a little over two miles yesterday for the first time after breaking my foot at the end of May! I’ve been really anxious about getting back to running this month but between the humidity and concern over pushing myself too far I haven’t really done that much. But my foot feels great today so I think I’m going to do another two miles this evening.
five mornings in a row on the rowing machine, 30 minutes
I am attempting to get better at it so I can actually row better, like in a shell with sculls and all
also ouch.
I ran my first race yesterday! It was very short (6km) and very flat, but I met my goal so I’m super happy.
Big moment this week: getting a 70lb keg kind of overhead! Kind of. It’s pretty big. Also learning that I can carry a 100lb keg 25 feet with relative ease. (At least, relative to how I was afraid it would go.)
Not an explicitly fitness-related big moment, but I was offered a work trade position at my yoga studio, so I’ll be working there for a couple hours 3 days a week (on either side of the classes that I usually take & can still go to). In return I get unlimited yoga!
Looking forward to it both for the yoga-all-the-time aspects as well as maybe meeting people since I’m new and dazed and don’t know anyone here.
My mom and I took a tai chi class this week, the first exercise class I’ve ever taken in my 18 months of YMCA membership. It was most enjoyable and we’ve decided to start going regularly. I’m gonna try some other classes too, but tai chi was a good one to start with – I felt like I did something but not like I was gonna die (which is good because I’m still really out of shape).
Though I really didn’t anticipate how much my legs were gonna hurt the next day… or the day after that. I’m hoping they’ll be back to normal tomorrow.
Last Sunday I played my first full 90 minute soccer game without being subbed! On the wing, where there is running! They were a fairly easy team, so I don’t think I would’ve made the whole game against a stronger team, but considering the week before I played less than half the game and cried all the way home because I just felt so useless (also hormones), it felt great.
On Tuesday night our coach was working on teaching us some new turns that I had seen a lot of guys use, but had never known how to do myself. I couldn’t quite get it on Tuesday, but then on Thursday, something clicked and it all suddenly made sense! I still need to practice it a whole lot more and actually think to use it in the game, but I managed to pull it off a couple of times in our practice game and I felt totally badass.
I bought two sets of heavy dumbbells, 35s and 40s. My 30s are not longer challenging for some chest and back work.
Last weekend I went to my first Zen retreat at a training monastery, and it was life-changing. It helped me to see that I really should do what I’ve always wanted to with my life, and not not do it because I’m too scared, or because I’m in a relationship, or because other people wouldn’t understand. It also helped me decide what not to do with my life. I already signed up for a more intensive retreat in October, which is doubly exciting because I’ll be in the Catskills in autumn (I live in SC, and we do not have seasons).
Also, I just found a book called The Rabbit Back Literary Society, which is described as both like The Secret History and like Twin Peaks. SO I am so there for all of that.
I liked The Rabbit Back Literary Society a lot!
In celebration of the “Dirtbag Karl Marx” article, I have a story for the toast, in which my teenage dirtbaggery improved a life, ~20 years after I cleaned up my act.
In January, I got a call from my mom:
mom: I’m really worried about your dad. He’s been sick with a cold for a week and he’s not getting any better.
me: well, did he go to the doctor
mom: yeah, but you know how doctors are to each other. He’s got a virus and he’s supposed to rest up. He’s in bed and he’s not making any sense though. Won’t stop coughing, either
me: oy. take him back to the doctor and see if they’ll give him something stronger for the cough.
mom: he’s had a whole bottle of cough syrup today.
me: WAIT. WHAT KIND OF COUGH SYRUP.
mom: Robitussin.
I explained to my mom that dextromethorphan was a hallucinogen and that he was high as a kite, probably sick to his stomach, and should sleep it off, and drink slippery elm bark tea instead. Then I had to explain to my mom how I knew that dextromethorphan would get you high. She was mildly scandalized.
I invite you to share your stories of the benefits of dirtbaggery here.
When I worked at a newspaper, the sheriff’s office would say things like “WE GOT $4 MILLION OF WEED OFF THE HIGHWAY” and I’d be all “yeah, given the weight, that would be $300 eighths. That’s not an accurate estimate they gave you.” Oh, and I always caught the unintentional double entendres in the headlines.
I’m sure your dirtbag past self gave you an approving snortle for taking the cops down a peg.
When I worked the returns desk at Walmart, I was really good at identifying which customers were trying to return stolen merchandise. (Not that the managers gave a shit most of the time, but when they did, it counted.) That, and I could spot our LP* guy from halfway across the store, and I could tell when he had someone in his sights. Made it really easy to get out of the way before I got blindsided by someone trying to run for it once they hit the tag sensors.
*Loss Prevention, basically an undercover security guy who would pin you to the wall if you tried to make a run for it with merchandise in your bag.
Former dirtbags are the best people to be in those sorts of situations. I’m a prof, and my students always wonder why I can sniff out cheating and bullshit excuses. It’s because I tried them all.
It was the summer between high school and college. I knew I should be looking for work since I’d be paying my own way through school, but ehhhhhhhhh. Instead I slept in a lot, which my parents gave me some shit for. One day as I was lazing around in bed the phone rang and it turned out to be an old friend of the family. Her work needed someone to come in immediately to work on something, which ended up turning into my first full time (though short term) job. I made sure to rub it in each time I reminded my parents that if I hadn’t been home to take the call that job would have gone to someone else.
And you didn’t suspect your parents had put the old family friend up to this to ensure you got out of bed for once?
URGH I had a bad hookup experience with a guy yesterday. Toast advice and internet hugs are welcome!
It was our second “date”, and we made it explicit that we were going to be pursuing an entirely hookup based relationship with each other. There was still this screening process though- you know? On the first date we went to a bar and talked about politics and our backgrounds- and he was liberal and feminist and all of the stuff that’s important to me. He invited me over to his place yesterday and we chat a bit, and drank some wine.
We have sex in his bedroom, and everything is going great. We’re communicating, he’s attentive and all of that. Then he pulls out so we can switch positions and he FLIPS OUT and asks me if I’m on my period. I’m really confused because he went down on me ten minutes ago, so I obviously wasn’t. He gives me a really accusatory, almost grossed out look and shows me his condom- which is red from the blood. I stammer about the fact that my period isn’t due for another two weeks, there was some spotting this week but I didn’t think it’d be a problem. He tells me the mood was killed, and I rush to the bathroom. Nothing really hurts and my urine is clear. It’s not a lot of blood.
I hurriedly gather my clothes and look for my underwear, and he’s still questioning me- if my period isn’t for another two weeks, how come I’m spotting? I said I didn’t know, maybe it was because I changed birth control recently? I’m not really looking at him, but he still walks me out of his apartment and asks how I’m getting home. He sent me a text saying, “Hey, stuff happens. Hope you got home safely.”
I feel kind of both humiliated and angry about this. Am I supposed to give disclaimers to dudes that I might bleed on them? Is it totally okay for him to be grossed out because I’m just a hookup- Is blood only tolerable if it’s from a girlfriend? Am I overreacting?
I cannot decide if he’s a good dude or not, but I’m definitely never sleeping with him again.
NO. You are not overreacting. I don’t know … his text seems reasonable but his reaction in the bedroom is way not cool. He overreacted.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re a casual date or a girlfriend — you should always feel respected and safe, and trust the other person. You do not need to decide if he’s a good dude or not. To you, he already is Not a Good Dude for making you feel so ashamed in a vulnerable moment.
He is not a good dude.
I’m sorry you had to experience that level of assholery from someone who seemed trustworthy. *Jedi hugs*
I’m sorry that happened to you 🙁 He’s totally being a baby, the appearance of occasional surprise blood is part of having sex with people with uteruses, and spotting outside your period is totally normal for a lot of people and a lot of types of birth control. You definitely don’t have to warn him. I don’t know if he’s a good dude or not, maybe he’s just very sheltered and inexperienced, but he’s definitely not worth worrying about.
He’s 31, I’m 23, and he’s slept with a lot more people than I have (we briefly talked numbers). This is why I’m confused and wondering if it’s possible if no one’s bled on him before. It doesn’t seem likely?
He’s an idiot and there are non-idiots out there who aren’t a waste of your time. You had some fun, that’s cool, now put him away and move on.
It’s okay for him to be surprised and even to lose the mood. It’s not okay to harangue or pitch a hissy.
Haha, thanks! I’ve already put him away on social media and am hopeful of meeting non idiots
Wow. That’s pretty mental.
I can imagine a bit of initial shock, but he sounds wayy to demanding in his inquisition
That’s ridiculous. If a guy cannot handle a bit of blood, he shouldn’t have sex with ladies.
If a guy cannot handle a bit of blood, he shouldn’t have sex with anyone, cause blood is kind of…human.
I think this needs to be drilled into guys’ head when they (if) receive any sex ed.
Especially since they were using condoms. Blood is not even touching your body, dude. DUDE.
You don’t need to hear this from me, but some dudes can be pretty mature in lots of ways and still wildly immature in others. Whatever his feelings were about possibly seeing a little bit of blood on a condom (which sound extreme, but whatever – I guess he’s allowed to have his boundaries), he handled the situation so, so poorly. He could have said “hey, I’m not sure what’s going on here and I hope that you’re ok but this is making me uncomfortable, it’s just not my thing.” Even better, during your first conversations about sex and boundaries, he could have raised this one that is clearly very important to him: “listen, I’m really squeamish about blood and that’s not about you but since I know that sometimes vaginas have blood, could you give me a heads-up?”
All this to say, I’m not fucking a guy who gets grossed out by that stuff. Not casually and not as a boyfriend. I think it signals weird things about their views on bodies and women and normal human functions. I don’t think he’s bad guy for having that boundary, but what he did wrong was to make you feel like it was anything other than his weird hangup.
Yeah I would be willing to maybe consider somebody who just isn’t at all into blood (like, everybody has weird turn ons and turn offs) but NOT somebody who reacts the way this dude did.
++++1
Learning to roll with things with empathy, compassion, grace is much of what growing up is about. He could have still asked to stop, but with way more consideration for your feelings. His interrogation was too much.
Yeah, thanks for saying that. I wasn’t asking him to be okay or turned on by it, but the abrupt dismissal was a lot.
This. His things are his things, whatever, but the way he reacted was way out of proportion to what happened. It was a little blood – all of our bodies contain it.
Ughhhhh! Definitely a little embarrassing, but jeez, it happens! I mean, it can’t be a great feeling to look down and see your junk unexpectedly covered in blood, a small freakout is understandable. But it sounds like his reaction was extreme.
To answer your questions: No, you don’t have to give disclaimers, unless you are currently on your period and actively bleeding — not everyone enjoys period sex and it’s definitely fair to give them a heads up. It’s okay for him to be grossed out but it’s not okay for him to blame you and make you feel bad about it. And you’re not overreacting, he acted shitty and it’s fair to be upset by that.
Human bodies do all kinds of weird stuff and you sign up for all of it when you sign up for sex, IMO! This dude should learn to have more of a sense of humor and also learn more about female anatomy.
It is not okay for him to act like that. Sometimes bleeding just happens! If he can’t deal with it, he shouldn’t be having sex. And if he’s someone who gets light-headed at the sight of blood, then he can have sex in the dark, I guess.
I’m not willing to call him a *total* bad dude, because heat of the moment reactions can be a bit regrettable, but there’s something decidedly childish about his behavior. If you’re having sex with a human woman, sometimes she spots, sometimes friction causes a little bleeding, etc. His text should’ve included an apology, for sure, and imho you’re well shot of him. I’m sorry, yo.
Thank you for saying that, I’d have loved an apology. (PS: I love your username)
From the info you’ve given, my vote is for NOT a good dude. Texting someone ‘hoping’ they got home safe after freaking out at them and more or less throwing them out of your apartment, not a good or kind thing to do.
Nothing wrong on your part; it’s something that can happen during sexytimes no matter where you are in your cycle. I’m not sure what else to say, I keep typing in different things, but no, you are not overreacting.
He sounds like a jerk! I wish I could take you for a wine, no one should be treated like that!
I’m having a lot of wine with girlfriends tonight. Thank you <3
WHAT. A. JERK.
Not OK. Adult men who hook up with adult women should expect them to have bodies.
A+
Hi! So … TMI warning, but I have been dealing with this issue for a bit now. I sympathize, as it is super-annoying! I’m sorry that dude was a jerk about it — because he was definitely a jerk about it.
Like, people are allowed to feel how they feel, and if he is legitimately traumatized by blood, that’s his ish. But if we were to triage feelings — YOU are the one who is unexpectedly bleeding! How is he not like “okay, I am freaked out here, but let me first make sure that the PERSON WHO IS BLEEDING is okay”?
Internet hugs, because I know how weirdly traumatizing it can feel for that to happen.
Ahh! I’m going to ask my physician about it, but like, I’m prepared for the possibility it might just be the way my body is. Has anything helped prevent or lessen the bleeding?
Thanks for the sympathy and your perspective and internet hugs!
Talking to your doctor is a good idea. They may not have anything useful — I’ve definitely encountered “well, if it’s not painful and the rest of you looks normal, there’s not a lot we can do.” The first time I went in, they did a sonogram to take a look at things, but your doctor may not do that. I’ve been bugging them about it, though, and I have an appointment in two weeks — if I learn more, I’ll definitely share!
For me, it happens about a week before my period and is never painful, so YMMV. (I’m not on any kind of BC.) And at this point the psychological “oh God THIS again also fuck I have to do laundry now” is as annoying as the actual event? So what I do is, keep track of it (I use the P Tracker Lite app, which is free), make sure there is lube on hand (I sometimes get nervous because I’m like But What If This Happens), and keep some extra tampons around for immediately after. And for purely practical reasons, lady-on-top makes cleaning up (if there is anything to clean up) easier. Also, shower sex.
Happy to answer any other questions if you have them! You are not alone.
While there’s no harm in going to see a doctor to get checked out, it is not uncommon for women to experience spotting around the time of ovulation, for instance.
I’m with the people who think an initial startled reaction is understandable, but the recovery was below standard.
What a jerk! This has happened to me a handful of times — if I have sex a few days before or after my period, I can get random spotting — and the dudes it’s happened with have been cool with it (maybe a little surprised, shocked or worried but never angry or grossed out). Blood happens sometimes, bodies are weird!
Uh, no. There is NO reason for a guy to freak out about that. Unless they faint at the sight of ANY blood. Which I assume he did not since he walked you out. Nor did he apologize for his freak out or his shaming of you after the fact . So…. not a good dude.
While being freaked out by unexpected blood is ok, acting as if you bled on his dick on purpose is wildly uncool. And after that: if you’re having sex with somebody, and that person starts bleeding unexpectedly, then explains that they don’t know why they’re bleeding, the appropriate reaction is “are you ok,” not “oh gross you’re bleeding for some reason, you should leave now.”
TOTAL overreaction on his part. I would say there is likely to be some sort of blood in my vagina at least 14 out of 28 days – whether from my period, from random pre-period spotting, from post-period spotting, who knows. I usually expect that if it’s light then when having sex it won’t really get in the way and I agree with people who say that it’s fair to give a heads-up with full-on period blood (although any dude who shies away from having period sex doesn’t deserve to be having sex at all, IMO). But if any of my partners expected there never to be some blood on the condom, or on the sheets, or on my leg after? That is completely unreasonable and even if he didn’t like it, to STOP SEX and send you home is way out of line. Wine it up and go find a dude who doesn’t care that you have bodily fluids!
He’s a shitbox!
I was surprised that an ex with a few years (and a lot of relationships) on me always seemed surprised by spotting and assumed it was my period. It’s pretty normal that women spot, right? And super problematic for a guy to make a big deal of it. I think your plan to not sleep with him again is a good way.
Ok, read through comments and am seeing that my q has been amply answered. Weird more guys with experience haven’t encountered this before though.
I’m posting this on my phone because all work browsers won’t let me post logged in!
Dating thread!
My interest in my last smooch date is flagging … he’s not into texting, apparently, and total lack of communication in-between dates is not my style; it’s how I bond with people. So chemistry is becoming a question. We have one more date on Monday and I’m questioning whether I really want to go.
I also may have escalated things physically too soon. Men, please handle me more carefully; I am not to be grabbed cold. Start delicate!
Oh man, the texting thing is rough. I’m generally not into having long text conversations with friends, so it’s a really good indicator of chemistry if I actually find it fun and not tedious.
Maybe going to the date on Monday will clarify things?
I’m also hoping the date on Monday will help clarify!
And a good lesson again, because I started questioning myself. Maybe I text too much! Maybe this isn’t a reasonable expectation!
But besides the point that “reasonable” is not always the word to apply, many of the men I’ve seen more than once *have* text-chatted with me at my pace. I’m already forgetting stuff that’s happened in the last year! DARN FEELINGS.
I joined Match 9 days ago. I have messaged approx 30 men. I have received no responses. (Perhaps 5, one of whom was nice, have messaged me.) Last night the algorithm told me there were no men in my town who matched my (totally reasonable, I think) preferences. My OKC account has dwindled such that I am only receiving messages from hopeful foot fetishists with bad grammar. Oh, and I had a dream about my horrible ex last night. I need a hug and probably a talking-to.
Stern talking-to: only go for foot fetishists with good grammar. Have standards!
*hug* I never went for Match either as they told me I had no matches. Useless.
I also got a message from a foot fetishist! The problem was that he referred to himself as a “younger gentleman” when he was actually older than I am by a year. He obviously had not read my profile. I don’t mind the foot stuff, but I do mind not being treated like an individual. Silly man!
*Hug*.
The only talking-to I’m willing to give is that you should be kind to yourself. I know it is incredibly hard and painful to send out messages and not get replies. I have to remind myself (regularly) that I actually like my life and am having a pretty good time even if these dopes can’t see how wonderful I am.
Thanks, yo. I finger-wag at my friends all the time about being nice to themselves, but I need to be reminded.
I got a lovely message from a poly couple that are looking for a long-term third. My profile is pretty clear that I’m not looking for long-term anything. But I was tempted to at least meet – it looked like a good match – but then my laziness kicked in. That… just sounds like a lot of work, you know? It’s like a 40 minute drive to their place and figuring out work schedules and they have a 6-month old and I was just… ugh. I’m tired even THINKING about it. Oh well.
Mm, logistics in dating are totally real. Sorry, true love, I don’t have a car, and I can only come to you if it’s an hour or less away by transit. More casual stuff? Doubly so!
I don’t know if this belongs in the dating thread, but I’d rather hide it here than make a separate post, so.
I’m married to a woman but we are not exclusive, and recently I’ve been thinking about hooking up with guys. I mentioned this to her and she was cool with it (and recently hooked up with a dude friend herself), so that’s all fine.
But like…I haven’t done this in eight years. How do I find a dude, particularly one who doesn’t mind that I haven’t done this in eight years? I don’t have any guy friends who could become FWB without major drama, and I joined Tinder but I don’t understand how one goes from swiping right to, like, real life. I suspect the answer is that I will just give up on the whole thing.
OKCupid is totally acceptable! That’s how I met my regular date who’s in an open marriage. I find OKC is good for finding a deeper connection — not necessarily romantic, but definitely at least friendly. Messaging and meeting is all part of the culture.
There will be many, many, MANY dudes who will not mind at all you haven’t dated or what have you in eight or eight hundred years. Pretty much all the dudes, I’d venture to say.
Think about trying it out. You can always step away. Good luck!
Yep, I second okc, that is is where I have had most of my good experiences, including the woman who I am currently dating who is married to a woman (they just started seeing other people in the last year). It’s a lot easier to screen for weirdos/homophobes/biphobes and a lot easier to be specific about exactly what you are looking for.
I started having more good experiences once I was able to clarify what I wanted and say so explicitly in my profile, that I am looking for sex, but also a connection with someone who I have things in common with and can have a real conversation with, but not anything exclusive or serious. I state that I am willing to date people who are in poly relationships, because they are likely to understand that there are many different ways to have a relationship, and we can figure out what ours will look like together. I still get messages from people who haven’t read my profile or whatever, but it’s made it way easier for people who are looking for the same thing to recognize me.
I’ve been on 2 OKCupid dates with this guy, and he is nice and interesting to talk to and we actually found out we have a few friends in common, but…..I’m not really feeling any chemistry. We’ve kissed a bit and it’s been….fine? Not awful, but I’m not super into it either. So I might stop seeing him (or maybe go on just one more date?).
I have friends telling me to stick it out and that chemistry can develop slowly, which is both frustrating and hard not to listen to. Even though I’ve tried that before and it’s never worked for me.
That has never worked for me, and I usually get more uncomfortable the longer I try to force it. And then usually the next time I find someone who I spark with I’m able to see the difference clearly and think, okay, why was I wasting my time with that? Everyone’s different and I’m sure it’s possible though, so it might not hurt to try one more time, even just for your peace of mind? But only if you want to.
This is exactly my experience. I have never not felt that I wasted time by dating dudes who looked good on paper but with whom there was no chemistry.
My theory is that people are afraid to give you advice they worry will make you feel regret and blame them. So in the dating arena, there’s a lot of caution and worry about missing out on a prospect, etc.
If you’re looking for things to ask yourself, maybe … do you look forward to seeing him? Do you have fun? Does anything about him make you smile and give you a good feeling?
Anyway, trust yourself. It sounds like you’re looking at past experiences and learning from them, which is awesome. Go on one more date if you like. Or not.
I mean, how many people would we be dating if we felt mostly okay, sort of neutral about them? To me, that’s not the point.
Never worked for me either. I tried really really hard to make the chemistry work with a guy who was perfect for me on paper and we had great email and text exchanges and in person there was less than zero chemistry.
In my experience the slow chemistry thing is for friends and friends of friends where you already have a baseline relationship with the person and you’re shifting your point of view from friendly relationship to sexy relationship. If you’re meeting someone and you’re already dialed into the sexy relationship frequency then if it’s not there it’s probably just not there. ESPECIALLY because you’ve tried that before and it didn’t work!
Uh, not dating, but I need advice about dealing with being attracted to a new friend! We’ve had some very date-like hangouts and I get the vibe that he’s also attracted to me bit OH MY GOD HOW DO I LET HIM KNOW!? I’m so terrible/inexperienced at this. it’s extra confusing because this comes after a year long stint of realizing I’m bisexual and trying so hard to okc with ladies. So I’ve forgotten that real-life dating is not as explicit as internet dating, where we are both clearly assessing if the other is date-worthy or not.
Ohhhhh ummm …. maybe just ask?
“Hey, I like you, and I’ve really enjoyed your company so far. I’d like to explore maybe a romantic thing with you. Would you like to do another hang-out, but this time, as a for-real date?”
And then, if like, no, then try to be friends! If not, it’s okay too.
Ah the not-texting thing is hard, because I feel like in the early stages that’s how you let each other know you’re thinking about one another! But that said I am also heading into my fourth date with a non-texter, so we shall see.
So four months after my Super! Dramatic! Breakup! I opened up my first ever online dating profile (okcupid) and I’m not sure I really like it so far?
I’ve been more or less off the market since high school (I’m 29 now) so aside from some awkward stuff from when I was an 18/19 year old bartender, I’ve never actually dated. And I’m just not quite sure how to deal with dudes expressing interest in me? Like guys message me and ask what I’m up to and it’s kinda boring and I’m sort of side-eyeing them like ‘you don’t actually care, you just want to hook up’ which is probably completely unfair to at least some of them, but it’s kind of giving me the squicks?
Like there’s a 28 year old doctor messaging me and he is pretty freaking hot and we have some common interests, but all I can think of is ‘what’s wrong with you that a hot professional is messaging me?’
I think I need to do a bit more work on myself before I’m ready to go to far with this.
OH I also said I was open to women (which I am, although that comes with its own set of issues) and I quickly realised that one of my first matches was with my BEST FRIEND who is in a long term relationship and hasn’t touched her profile since 2012 brb dying.
Aahaha! Every time I see someone I know on okc I immediately log out, shut down my computer and run far away from the internet.
At least you have confirmation that your best friend is a good person for you. 🙂
Since I am in need of some more friends (or just some friends would be nice #lame), any one fancy a London Toast meetup?
I rarely venture from South East London except when forces to for work, but accommodations could be made!
Yo, yeah! Just seeing this now. We already chatted briefly – am the lady who lives in Ladywell. We could just go to Jam Circus!
Oh sorry I am logged in on a different computer and using my wordpress account automatically – my main user name is smeesmeesmee.
You know I was thinking I should get in contact with you! But then I thought after we talked that I then never spoke to you again and that would make it weird?
Coffee at jam circus this weekend would be most welcome if you’re around!
Yes! I am not there yet, but will be soon, like early October soon, if all goes smoothly with the move. I’d really appreciate being in the loop for this or future meet-ups.
I LIVE IN SOUTH EAST LONDON! Although I rarely comment on here. I am definitely up for a meetup even if it’s just a small one! I could probably make Jam Circus tomorrow (Sunday). My email is [email protected] if you guys are interested?
How excellent! We never got to actual plans but I would totally be up for coffee tomorrow (Sunday)! I’ll send around an email\tweet in the morning and see where we get to!
i have just moved to london and need friends! I saw this too late but I am totally in for the next one. Nora I’ll send you an email!
Hello, hi, I have once again been foiled by not reading the open thread until dull Tuesday times, but I am London-based and up for meet-ups, and if you guys do this again I’d like to be in the loop!
We have a facebook group now! https://www.facebook.com/groups/435704426638315/
See you there!
I love other people’s houses because we are renovating ours, so there is a lot of mess. I guess the end is in sight, though. If I squint and use binoculars.
Here we might be nearing the end of winter but then again, not, because tomorrow it’s going to be super chilly and I get to stand out in it and watch oldest child play soccer. Thank goodness their matches are short!
I had a long bath tonight (in our new bath!!) and did some soul-searching and have decided to spend the weekend looking into what I need to do a post-grad. I’m also pretty much at the end of my tether with freelancing, I think. There are so many people out there ready to fleece you. Sigh. If only I didn’t have to earn a living, right?
Happy Friday, Toasts!
My little sister, who was an adorable tiny tot when I was going off to college, is leaving for college herself today. I want to write her a letter full of WISDOM, though this self-assured little badass is much less in need of WISDOM than I was at her age. Back then I was an over-anxious overachiever who had always been motivated by pleasing my parents and being the best just for the sake of being the best, so when I got to college I fell apart in the most boring way possible — did mediocre in my classes and cried in my room a lot.
If you were your own wise older sister, what would you tell yourself about going to college specifically and moving out of your parents’ house generally?
My favorite flower is the IRIS. I think they look like glamorous eccentric ladies!
Teal deer advice; trust your instincts.
More specific: If a dude seems creepy, he is a creep. If a situation seems scary, it is ok to be scared. If you think a class is going to be a waste of your time, just drop it right away and find another course/teacher whatever to fill that requirement. If you click with someone and feel like you will be insta-friends, go with it! Friends are rad! If you think you might be a HUGE MEGA HOMO, don’t pretend you’re not thinking that and date a series of increasingly crappy boys in a cinderella-esque quest for the perfect peen. If you start to feel depressed, get thee to a brain doc immediately, because you deserve to feel good and be happy.
Best of luck to your little sis! I think you are doing an awesome thing by writing this letter.
people will say “you’re not at home with your parents any more, you gotta deal with real-world consequences!!” like it’s a bad thing but it’s such a great thing. If you decide to skip class or spend too much money on things you don’t need or get a regrettable haircut, you don’t get a lecture and punishment, you just…deal with the consequences. of which there are sometimes zero.
Oh man, this is GREAT advice. Learning to own your choices, good and bad, rather than always deciding things based on Not Getting Yelled At.
Fellow anxious overachiever with overly involved parents here! [awkward high five]
I have no advice about going to college because I barely managed to avoid getting kicked out for bad grades and alcohol violations and I regret nothing.
But fistbumping you on the irises because irises are the best.
See, it would have been useful for me to know that there are cool, iris-appreciating ladies out there who don’t regret those things!
when i left for college, one of my older-sister-types gave me a bunch of advice that i probably didn’t NEED but i enjoyed and still appreciate that she provided it.
One of the things that she told me was that it’s perfectly okay and normal to hide/cry in one’s room, convinced that you’re terrible and don’t belong, and that it gets better.
And that I should pick a good comforter/duvet/quilt because I will become very attached to it.
My dad gave me the following advice when he dropped me off for college, and I think it’s the most useful thing he ever taught me: First, make sure you’re sleeping right. Second, make sure you’re eating right. After that, worry about your grades.
Hearing specifically that my health was the most important thing got me through a few semesters. I ended up with more Bs and Cs (and Ds and one F) than As, but I also made it through college with my sanity intact. I still prioritize sleep and food above literally everything else. This goes hand in hand with learning how to say no or dropping a class if need be.
Try not to be a hermit. Meet people. Do things that make you uncomfortable. No one will care about your grades 5 years from now as long as you have the diploma.
Tell her not to be afraid to try new things, and also not to be afraid to drop them immediately if she doesn’t like them. Trust your instincts.
It’s going to be really tempting to eat pizza and ice cream for every meal at the dining hall, but try to eat some vegetables and stay somewhat healthy. Everything goes a little more smoothly if your body isn’t 100% fueled on cheese and booze.
Unless she’s trying for a small, specific subset of careers, don’t bother trying to get all As. No one will care later. Try to balance studying with having fun and making friends.
Also, tell her to go to office hours and talk to her professors. I never did that and it’s one of my only regrets about college.
Where were you when I needed to hear this? So very wise.
Toasts, I feel mildly ashamed of myself. For years, I side-eyed people who listen to vinyl, but now I have a turntable in my living room with a pile of pillows beside it that are perfect for lying on and doing nothing.
Granted, I still side-eye people who spend six thousand dollars on speaker cables, but I’ll concede that vinyl changed the way I listen to music. Not because it’s a superior format, but because flipping the disc or changing records every three to five tracks basically forces me to take it slow and chill out while I’m listening to it.
(Also, listening to One More Time flow into Aerodynamic without the skip of changing mp3 files is what I imagine heroin must feel like.)
So, now I’m curious. Anyone else have a vinyl collection here at the Toast? Is it old or new or inherited or what? If you’d like to laugh at how much of a hipster I am, this feels like a good time to point out I also bought an instant film camera and have strings of tiny clothespins to hang the photos from on my wall.
I don’t have vinyl (my parents still do though, so I know how to operate a turn table), but I got my first (in about fifteen years) roll of 35 mm film developed last week! Basically, I think that puts us at about the same level of hipsterdom.
The way it happened was: I did some lomography photography before (got the camera as a present). Then my dad was all like “that camera’s made entirely out of plastic! If you want to take good analog photos, you should have just told me, I still have a few old cameras”. I obliged mostly to do him a favor… but I’m loving the results! See below, for instance.
It makes me feel like a huuuuge hipster, and it’s a fairly decadent hobby (developing film ain’t cheap), but I figure: I have the money, and it makes me happy. It’s silly to not do stuff you like just because the image attached to it, right?
I have old cameras, and I keep planning to get the stuff to develop b&w film myself, but so far I haven’t actually made the time to do it. So I guess I’m a lazy hipster.
Anyways, the point is that that’s a great photo, and also if you want a cheaper kind of film photography you might want to look into b&w film developing, which is fairly easy to do and doesn’t require a darkroom. I did it a bit in a high school course, it was fun. You do need a darkroom to make prints, but I think you could maybe just take the negatives down to wherever you’re getting film developed now and ask them to make prints of the specific frames you like.
Awh, thanks! Both for the compliment and the advice. I didn’t know B&W was so easy to develop! And I mean, black and white looks artsy almost automatically, so that’s a plus 😉
I mean, you need to get some equipment and chemicals, and there are a bunch of steps, but most of the steps are pretty simple. The hardest part is transferring the film to the developing reels, because you have to do it by feel inside a very opaque bag, but even that only takes a little practice to get right. And then it’s all just watching a clock and turning a thing upside down several times and pouring liquids.
Probably the internet can fill in the details.
That’s so nifty! My instant photos are the dinky fujifilm kind, but I kind of love the look of them. And yeah, I felt so silly at first, but it’s so much fun. 😀
I just gave up my vinyl collection for my move! It was inherited and then I’d been adding to it. :…..( But I probably will start a new vinyl collection when we get settled it, because it’s a great ice breaker at parties. Like, “hey, somebody want to pick a record to put on?” Let’s all chat about our favorite music. And then someone else gets a turn to pick and you can stack up next-in-lines. It’s pretty great too, for pillow nest evenings.
Yes! We bought an excellent old cabinet stereo a couple of years ago and have been slowly adding to our record collection. Antique stores, mostly, and a really fantastic local vinyl store.
Oh, the timing of this. I just (like, 5 minutes ago) finished setting up a FB page for the Beau for his vintage vinyl record sales biz. He’s on eBay, and just got a huge lot of amazing stuff. He loves it, and def does not spend insane amounts on records OR equipment. I’m trying to get all his social media set up and automated, but he’s kinda baffled by Instagram and Twitter. Understandably. And neither of us is a hipster, if that makes you feel better.
http://www.ebay.com/usr/mikezcrates
DUDE, there goes my afternoon. (Thank you so much. XD)
O yes. Gentleman X had a record collection when we were in uni (2000, yo, I have been hipster since before hipsters were a thing!), and it has been growing ever since. I started scouring 50 cent bins, which are now twoonie bins *spits*. We started so long ago that all of our Bowies are all original pressings, except a comp of early B-sides and rarities. I loudly complain about new vinyl people being the reason that there are new pressings of Rumours, which was as ubiquitous in 50 cent bins as Come On Feel The Noise by Quiet Riot, back in the day.
At 500+ discs, our collection is bordering on “too large”. Bordering. I have an original Buddy Holly and the Crickets album! Now we are boutique shoppers; my latest purchase was psych-trance music as rendered by Sri Lankan ethno-musicologists.
I love my life, and AM SO HERE FOR THIS THREAD. What are your gems?
I have a Judy Collins record that I got as a prize for some elementary school contest (yeah, I know, I have no idea why that was a prize either, but it worked for me) which I then managed to get signed when I was in junior high and Judy Collins came to town for a music festival. I don’t listen to it often, but I’m still very fond of it.
I have a fairly small vinyl collection, plus my dad’s old turntable and amp. I need to fix the turntable again; when I got it it wouldn’t play 45s because the belt slipped down, and I replaced the belt and it was fine for a year or so, but now it won’t play anything because the new belt is slipping even further. I need to sign up for vinyl engine so I can download the service manual, but I suspect the problem will turn out to be that the local audio place sold me the wrong belt, so then I’ll buy the right one online and pay the ridiculous shipping charges.
I love vinyl! I had a giant collection that I amassed carefully in high school, and then massive flooding in my parents basement wiped out a whole bunch. (I’m still devastated about my beautiful Pink Moon record, and my Jesus Christ Superstar concept recording–I try not to think about it.)
I’m not a vinyl “obsessive” but I love it for the same reasons you do. Also, if you’re patient and know what to look for, you can find some truly amazing stuff that simply isn’t available anymore. Also, you never know what you’ll find in the records. I have the Queen album Jazz that for a VERY brief period of time came with a poster from a nude bike race held to promote Fat Bottomed Girls. My cheap thrift store record had that poster. I’ve scored a few other times, but really I just love the whole process of taking out the record, carefully setting it up on the turntable, and lounging as I listen.
Now I want to go to the thrift store and search their vinyl and see what else I can find…
Oh we have so much vinyl and I roll my eyes so hard (the SQUARE FOOTAGE we live in A CITY) but I’m actually king of getting into it.
I have . . . probably a lot of vinyl.
I kind of came of age listening to albums on my father’s turntable, which is how I got introduced to a lot of my formative music. And because that was one of the primary ways to listen to music in my house (I didn’t own any CDs or a CD player until I was thirteen), I would buy albums for cheap at the annual church yard sale and library book sales to supplement the four hundredish records of my father’s that I had full access to.
Since I probably owned already about fifty to eighty records when I moved out of my parents’ house, it seemed like kind of a no-brainer that I should probably eventually get a record player. (We ended up getting one of those portable Crosley ones because we didn’t already own any speakers or other stereo equipment, so it seemed the most economically feasible. Especially since we live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment.)
I would guess that between my fiancé and me, we have maybe close to 200 records, though. (I think about 70% are mine.)
Almost all of them are old and secondhand from the aforementioned church yard sale, thrift stores, record stores, etc. I have about a dozen that belonged to my uncle who passed away (his Beatles, Clash, and AC/DC mostly; I don’t remember who claimed the rest of the records).
So, I dunno. I’m definitely in the age bracket where that should make me a hipster, but a lot of it came from vinyl being one of the main ways I could listen to music in my house growing up, so naturally I bought music in that medium, and it seemed silly not to make use of all that music I invested in when I moved out, so I bought a turntable. And so because I have a turntable and no other stereo system at all, I end up picking up records when I happen to come across any that I want to listen to.
(I don’t know if I could qualify as a hipster anyway when I unironically treasure my three Motley Crue records so hard? My Crue and my Janis Ian. I don’t know what that says about who I am.)
Oooh! I just got a new record player after my old one completely crapped out on me, and have really been enjoying exploring my way back through my collection. Mine is mostly hand-me-down records from my parents and a particularly awesome former college professor, with a few new and used purchases mixed in. It’s very college-aged white boy of me, but my absolute favorite thing to listen to on it is “No Woman No Cry” from Bob Marley and the Wailers – LIVE! Something about that guitar solo on vinyl. I don’t know. Also some of my parents’ (maybe Grandmother’s) Ella Fitzgerald albums as well. Mrs.T just picked up Thriller and Coltrane’s A Love Supreme last week, so that’s been our listening lately.
Also, as to the film camera – if I had the space/time/money to continue my film photography hobby, I *totally* would. Hipsterdom be damned. I had a darkroom in the basement of my highschool/college home, and I miss it fiercely. I still do a fair amount of photography, but I really miss the whole printmaking process.
I have a vinyl collection! I started because used records are soooo cheap and cool looking. I agree that the experience is different when you have to go up and flip it over so often. I also love looking at the album art and lyrics pages.
I have mostly used “vintage” records (old, in decent condition but often in falling-apart sleeves), including some that my mom and aunts have given me from when they were younger, and a small but growing stack of new ones. I’ve been collecting them since I was 16 so I have lottttsss now and need to get rid of some.
I have a small vinyl collection. My parents always had vinyl when I was growing up and went to the local public radio station music sale every year, so I slowly accumulated some records that way. I left them all at home when I went to college, but about 2 years ago Mr. Thuja and I got a turntable and I reclaimed all my records. Plus Mr. Thuja has a bunch of TMBG vinyl and a few vintage records he “borrowed” from his parents.
Toasters! A few weeks ago, my letter to Bear was answered (Parenting and Prison) and I wanted to follow up with a big THANK YOU – not only to Bear for moving things around and giving me solid, useful advice, but also to everyone who commented. You were all so much more compassionate and understanding than I could have hoped for, and I am more grateful than I could ever explain. We ended up talking to our kids a few days after the letter was published, using some of the suggestions we got from commenters, and it went really well.
The good news, for me and my family, is that yesterday I was sentenced to five years of probation and NO PRISON TIME. It feels like a miracle.
Thanks again Toastitos for all the support!
Congratulations! I’m so glad to hear that your family won’t have to go through such difficult upheaval after all.
this is so good to hear! <3
Thanks for the update, and I’m happy for you and your family that it’s a positive one!
Wooooo!!!
Woohoo! Coincidentally, I just found out yesterday that a close family member will be serving probation instead of two years prison, which is a HUGE relief but also makes me feel extra weird about our legal system because, you know, if it weren’t for that lawyer money the situation would be completely different. I wish everyone could get those kinds of positive outcomes; I’m glad you did!
BEST NEWS! HURRAY!
Does anyone here play Android: Netrunner?
I went to an intro to Netrunner event last weekend, and I was kind of expecting it to be fun but not a big thing, but I’ve had Netrunner on the brain ever since. I haven’t actually bought the game yet, because just after I decided that I wanted to a local game cafe announced a sale starting today, but I have read the (long, weirdly complex) rules, and also a whole bunch of “tips for new players” articles. I am planning to buy the Core set tonight, and go to the local weekly Netrunner night next Wednesday.
I wasn’t really looking for another hobby. I think part of the appeal is that the Netrunner people don’t seem to be looking for volunteers or anything, they just want more people to participate in the fun bits, and that is not the case with most of the other groups I’m currently involved in (and volunteering for).
(The other part of the appeal is that I enjoyed playing the game, of course.)
It’s been kind of a meh week for me – went by fast, but I was hit by post-vacation blues and PMS and general disgruntlement. On the plus side, I got some cute jeans and a great hat.
Waiting for Husband to hear back about the job he interviewed for is agonizing. The recruiter called 3 weeks ago to say there wouldn’t be news for at least 2 weeks because one of the people who’d be making the hiring decision was out of town. Assuming that person has been back in the office since Monday, we might hear back any day, or… never. Ugh. I know I should gird my loins and tell myself he didn’t get the job, so that if he does get it it will be a wonderful surprise, but I always get my hopes up so high. On top of wanting to move back to Montreal really badly, I am unhappy in my current job but it’s not bad enough that I would feel comfortable just quitting without another job lined up, so it seems like Husband getting this job would magically fix a lot of problems, even though I know that’s not realistic.
Sending good vibes about the job situation, that is such a hard place to be in.
Also, please tell me more about this great hat.
I’d guess you might not hear til September honestly, office and family summer vacations being as they are. Though perhaps that’s a stronger vacuum in the US (where actually you wouldn’t hear til the week after Labor Day). Good luck, and try not to wait too actively. (I know that isn’t a really helpful tip…)
Old advertisement of the week! I’m not sure if I’d want these, but I do love the involved descriptions.
oh. I want them, please?
I would like anything described as “verra, verra Scotch”! Including but not limited to scotch. And David Tennant.
Help, Toasties! My sister is getting married, and I need help dealing with it. My parents and I are struggling (STRUGGLING) to be nice about the wedding, but we’re a sort of weird family…I know families are supposed to be excited about weddings, but none of us cares very much — I mean, we’re glad that she’s glad, but weddings (/the such) are not really our thing, and none of us are happy about the prospect of pretending to be normal for three days, with eighty guests.
I’ll add that my sister has not been terribly considerate in her planning — she’s not really allowed for the fact that we are the sort of family that we are (i.e., antisocial weirdos), and, maybe more importantly, she’s not really allowed for the fact that our father has moderate dementia and terminal cancer, and those are really difficult to deal with when it’s just us, but will be that much more difficult to deal with when we have to do so in front of several dozen random people.
I have a lot of trouble concealing my thoughts / feelings, but I DO feel bad that our lack of enthusiasm is dampening my sister’s. Any tips on this? How do I even fake this?
Do you have the sort of relationship with your sister where you could approach her with a couple concrete suggestions? I usually find that vague concerns are heard less thoroughly than concrete courses of action. Would it help you and your dad if there were like, a chill-out room at the wedding venue? Can you opt out of the rehearsal dinner?
I totally support what queenmondegreen has to say on this. It is definitely reasonable to help make sure your dad is taken care of, and also to say no to things you can’t handle. It’s not particularly reasonable to ask your sister and her fiancee to arrange their entire wedding to your liking. I’m sorry, but this is one of those things you may have to just do what you can do for, and realize it may not be that fun for you, and schedule some self-care for yourself for afterwards.
I am really happy to be back in my house and back at my desk and able to participate in Toastie Cocktail Hour for the first time in 2 months, but … The last 24 hours have been a little pile-up of mistakes and oversights by others that are making my return to work 200x more difficult. It is definitely NOT #totesprofesh to send an email saying “YOU HAD ONE JOB,” is it?
Blargh.
I don’t know if I’ve ever really had a favorite flower, but lately I really like buying carnations because they’re cheerful and inexpensive and they last a really long time!!
I’m throwing a going-away party for a friend this weekend and I need frugal snacky food ideas! Anyone have some delicious party food secrets?
Carnations smell so clean, too–how are they not a shampoo fragrance? If your guests are of the cheese-eating variety, cubing inexpensive cheese and rolling it in different spices (toasted cumin seed, crushed cardamom, etc.) makes for a nice presentation and gives a little flavor bump. Add crackers and fruit and you’re in pretty good shape. Or you could check out the breakfast hack link in today’s roundup and give everyone a small can of pineapple just to see how they react.
Dip and dippables! I love hummus, garlic dip, and yogourt-dips. Add potato chips, corn chips, and veggies.
You can also punch up dips with ground black pepper, chili flakes, extra virgin olive oil, chopped scallions, sesame seeds, but this is entirely optional and just something I thought up just now that I should definitely try some time.
edamame. (Soy beans Japanese-style). You can buy it at the store frozen, and then just pop it into boiling water until it is warm. Put in a bowl with salt on top (ideally coarse), and another bowl for shell discards, and you’re set. They’re delicious.
Daffodils!
Don’t listen when Meg Ryan’s character in You’ve Got Mail says daisies are the friendliest flower, because the friendliest flowers are clearly daffodils.
I agree!
oh yes! there’s nothing better than daffodils in the spring 🙂
Oh also, if there are any New York State Toasts who are hitting up the fair and may want to meet up there, Spouse and I are not yet set on a date or time to attend, so hit me up at shakerethyl at the gmails!
Is there a New York Toasts group or twitter list somewhere?
There’s a central/western NY group, we had a meetup in Rochester a couple weeks ago. Email at shakerethyl at gmail and I’ll make sure you get on the list!
Damn, I’m in NYC! Thanks anyway though.
Is this the state fair??? I usually skip over anything that says New York because usually it’s the city and I’m upstate, but if it’s the state fair it’s actually doable for me!
Yep, the Great New York State Fair!
Email me at shakerethyl at gmail and I’ll make sure we get you on the Central/Western NY list! We had a meetup in Rochester a couple of weeks ago and it was great. I’m in Syracuse.
Aahhh I’m dying that there was a Rochester meetup and I didn’t know! I’m in Rochester and I’m from Syracuse originally. I just emailed you to get on the list!
Overheard in the office this past week:
– “I’ve stopped going out in my backyard because there’s a frog there.” You can’t reason with a phobia, I know, but being so afraid of frogs that suspecting there might be a single one somewhere in your backyard is enough to keep you indoors?
– Person A mentioned the Titanic, Person B responded “I don’t know what that is.”
– Person X had just come back from vacation, and Person Y came by to berate her for not blocking the vacation time off in her Outlook calendar, because Y invited her to a meeting (since Outlook didn’t indicate that she was away) and was upset when she didn’t show up. Person Y kept saying, “See? It says you’re free. FREEEEE,” in the most condescending fucking voice. “I got your out of office message, but Outlook said you were FREEEEEE.”
– Person Y was also astonished, ASTONISHED, to find out that I don’t have a car/don’t drive. How do I bring groceries home?? What if I need to buy furniture?? What if I want to travel somewhere with no Greyhound or train service??
I have never had a car, and I admit I still have trouble with those things sometimes.
I got to listen to a couple of interns come to the astonishing realization that lemonade does not have caffeine (It’s weird, I’m just so much more awake in the mornings when I drink coffee instead.)
Who drinks lemonade for breakfast? Hot lemon juice and honey and water, sure, that is a breakfast thing, but lemonade?
Did you know that there is an online passenger list of the Titanic with BIOGRAPHIES?*
http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-pass…
*disclaimer: There goes your afternoon
Holy shit, who blocks out their vacation time in the calendar? THAT’S WHAT THE OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGE IS FOR.
I know you never responded to my meeting invite, and when I emailed you about it I got your out-of-office autoreply, but it was A VERY UPSETTING INCONVENIENCE that I was able to invite you to a meeting at all! LEARN 2 OUTLOOK.
MY BOSS
*eta: also the vacation time of each of our Board members and anyone else she may need to get in touch with ever
It’s part of the culture at my work, and I don’t think it’s that big a deal. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It makes sense if it’s part of your office culture, I guess it just literally never occurred to me that that was a thing. Hopefully my office doesn’t get wind of it, I use my calendar for reminders to do non-work stuff like go to the ATM. And it’s also where I put my reminder to set up my out of office message when I do have vacation.
Me. I hate having people schedule meetings and things for when I’m not available, so I mark off vacation, doctor’s appointments, mornings I know I will be in late because of kid stuff, etc. I also hate when I try to schedule meetings for other people and carefully check every attendee’s calendar to find a day/time, and then have someone e-mail back that “oh, I’m out of the office that day.” How was I to know that if it wasn’t on the calendar? Sorry, pet peeve. I wouldn’t have berated anyone like Person Y, but I would have thought those things in my head, for sure.
ETA: I work for a very large company with hundreds of locations and co-workers I may never actually meet in person, so yes to that office culture comment above.
Makes sense! I work for a large company too but we have always worked on the “invite/decline meeting” system instead of calendars. I am also not a manager so I’ve never really tried to schedule meetings for anyone. I was thinking of how confused I would be if someone was mad at me for not putting my vacation in my calendar when that’s just not a thing we do!
I am the only one of my colleagues without a car, and it utterly mystifies them.
OH in office:
“Why is the water [Lake Michigan, visible from the office] so deep?”
WHY IS THE WATER SO DEEP
“I don’t know, glaciers?” Also I am dying about Titanic. Was this an adult who said this? Where were they in 1997? Off the grid?
I’m also a non-driver, and I used to work in a workplace full of people like your Person Y. The amount of concern-trolling I got from coworkers was kind of astounding. (I don’t work there anymore, and my life got a lot better after I left.)
reading this made my life. thank you.
Any Toasties live in South Texas? I just moved to the Rio Grande Valley.
Leaving academia thread? My current post-doc is finishing up soon and I am not looking for another. How do people deal with the conflicting feelings of a) joy at leaving a work situation that doesn’t work for them (and is actually rather detrimental) with b) fear of not doing research anymore?
Does anyone have advice for transitioning out of academia? How do you get past the standard operating mode of “research/publish/conference/publish/repeat” to .. whatever life is like outside of academia?
Sorry this is a bit jumbled, a lot of thoughts rattling around in my head…
First off, *JUMPS AND GIVES YOU A MASSIVE HIGH FIVE!* Three weeks unemployed after leaving my postdoc here, so I’m going through some very similar things right now! Good job for making a difficult decision!
I’m currently trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, so I’m working through that same “how do I transition into the Real World?” problem right now. Mostly I’m distracting myself with job search stuff, doing research and talking to people and all that. Then I’ve been taking on projects which I never had time to do during my postdoc, both related to building skills I want to use in a new career (taking a Coursera class formalizing my knowledge of [subfield]), and totally unrelated (I’m thinking of teaching myself how to mod Skyrim). I felt so ground down by my postdoc job that it’s a joy to actually do things that interest me for a change. I honestly feel more productive and engaged than I felt for the final six months of my postdoc. We’ll see how I feel in a month, but that’s what’s working for me right now. But basically, I’m trying to find things that actually excite me, which both helps find new potential careers, and makes it feel less like I’ve Failed The System.
Actually it was your post last week that got me thinking about all of this, thank you for responding! Right now I’m also quite burnt out, and my main feeling right now is that I’ve just squandered the last 10 yrs or so. Should I have left sooner, should I have worked harder, these are all just an endless loop in my brain right now.
Seconding the high five! I left two years ago, kind of accidentally: I had gotten zero nibbles my first year on the job market, and while I was trying to summon up the motivation to prepare the materials for a second time, I stumbled into an editing gig that eventually became a full-time job, which I love. I don’t know if I would have been brave enough to walk away from academia intentionally, but in retrospect it was one of the better decisions that life has made on my behalf. The academic machine had been damaging me in ways I didn’t recognize until I left and people I hardly knew started commenting on how much happier and healthier I looked, so I have tremendous respect for you for figuring that out on your own and taking active steps to do something better.
In terms of transitioning out: the absolute best thing about having a day job vs. an academic job is that time off can actually BE time off. But this was weird and disorienting at first… I found myself repeating avoidance/procrastination tactics for no reason, spending hours playing Spider Solitaire because I had forgotten what it was like not to have a massive project haunting all my free time. So I had to be intentional about doing–even scheduling–simple things that I enjoy in order to get past that instinctive guilt reaction and rebuild my sense of self-worth. Cooking elaborate meals was especially therapeutic.
In terms of the fear of not doing the things that drew you to academia in the first place: I don’t know what your field is, but with mine (arts/humanities) it’s been helpful to realize that there are ways to do these things piecemeal, without making them the center of your life. Like, I adjuncted a class; I’m working on a chapter for a scholarly anthology. But now these things are on my own terms–neither my career nor my entire sense of self is on the line anymore, and it’s liberating and empowering to feel that I can participate in the system to the degree to which it works for me, and leave the bullshit behind. This has also been a way to test my true feelings and realize that while I might miss certain aspects from time to time, there’s no part of the full professorial life that, for me, is worth the sacrifices and risks.
The hardest thing for me has been feeling like I’ve Failed the System, as BourneApprox says. I ran into a former professor a few weeks ago and told her the highlights of my life since graduating (actually EMPLOYED, happy in my job, about to get married) and watched the disappointment rise in her eyes. And afterwards started kicking myself for not telling her about the book chapter I’m writing. Which is ridiculous.
Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful–you inspired me to emerge from lurkdom and create an account because I know that leaving can feel shameful and even taboo to talk about but there is definitely life on the other side! Hugs and congratulations and solidarity to you… you got this.
This was so sweet and kind to read, thank you so much. I am in a STEM field and it’s less a feeling that I’m Failing the System, more that I let the System Beat Me. That I’m leaving b/c I wasn’t committed enough as a student/researcher/post-doc or scientist in general. It’s sort of a tug-of-war between “I should have been more, gotten further, published more, learned more,” when the majority of my experiences were “you’re not much and your work is trivial.”
That interaction with a former professor sounds rough, it’s amazing how our equilibrium can be disrupted so easily by wordless communication. You’re achievements sound great and your post actually seems to radiate happiness. I don’t fear running into past faculty, more like former fellow graduate students.
Aww, thanks. I definitely hear you on the “if I’d done more, maybe my life would be different” front (and fuck a system that tells people they are trivial while doing its best to extract all their achievements and energy, seriously). But I also feel like (a) the fact that I didn’t do more is a sign that that kind of life wasn’t a good fit; and (b) maybe the fact that you didn’t feel committed enough is a good thing for your own peace of mind, a way to own the act of making an educated decision to leave?
Like, the people I know who are 100% committed might have jobs similar to what I thought I wanted (though most of them don’t and are still caught in some kind of adjuncting/non-TT limbo) but I see now that their lives overall are not what I actually want for myself. I wholeheartedly admire people who can give their lives to their work like that; their students are lucky, and I was lucky to learn from some of them… but I can’t be that or do that, and it’s such a relief not to be expected to anymore. When I was in grad school I felt like that was my only option and nothing else was ever discussed. But there are so many other things out there to do, things that don’t actually make me feel like an impostor–which would have been impossible for me to imagine two years ago. But if you’ve gone through grad school, and post-docs even, you have amazing, marketable skills… it’s just a matter of finding the right setting to use them.
i am in academia, TT at a regionally ranked school. I think about this because quality of life is important! So are work/life boundaries! If I quit I would like a job where I got to do research. So much research. In a broader sense than what I do now (humanities). And write. Writing makes me feel alive. So I do a lot of it because feeling alive is important. I hope you can do what makes you feel alive.
ALSO: mad props Dappled Things.
Thanks for the reply, good luck on the TT! I hope to find the same joy in my work as writing gives to you. There are days like that currently, but they are few and far between. And this goes to one of my top fears about leaving: if I had just been a better student, better grad student, better researcher, I wouldn’t be leaving.
Hey! I’m currently in a PhD program. It’s fully funded, but I’ve been realizing that I don’t think I want to do the post-doc/begging for a professorship thing. I think maybe don’t want to have to feel like I’m being compensated for only two thirds the time I work per week because I’m doing! my! passion!, and might instead prefer something where I get to leave work at work and feel basically ok about it – I mean, I don’t want to be compensated with passion (not that I don’t have it, I’m just not sure I…I think I want a job I can leave at my job) and sides of some interactions that feel like emotional abuse (it’s not normal to be afraid of meeting with someone because you aren’t sure what kind of mood they’re in that day…right?).
I…also have a lot of jumbled thoughts. In any case, good luck!
Running technique/form question. I am gradually starting to run again, just a little, 2-3 miles, slowly, a few times a week. I’m not very good at pacing myself and my first mile is always around 10 min and then I get slower. The last couple of times, though, I’ve noticed that my shoulders are tense and sore during the run. What is that about? Do I need to change my running posture, or my all-the-time posture (which is awful)? Do I need a better sports bra for the Giant Boobs™?
I don’t know if a bra will solve your problems, but I will take the opportunity to plug for my fave one – Enell. I am a 34F and Enell is the beeeest.
I’m going to plug my favorite sports bra, too. Shock absorber #5044. Changed my life, athletically speaking.
I tend to starting slouching when I run, particularly if I’m getting tired. I find it’s helpful to periodically just check in on my posture and very deliberately correct it to get myself into more of a better posture habit. I also find that having some core strength really helps for my ability to keep a good posture even as my run goes on and I get more tired.
Do you tense up and pump your arms really determinedly? A run with a girlfriend who is a really good amateur runner, and she sort of flops her arms around like Linda Belcher instead of pumping. I’ve been copying her, and it really relaxes my shoulders.
A good bra combined with better posture will do wonders for you. Also, if you know somebody who runs or used to run who can evaluate your posture, it really does help. My husband did cross country until he had to quick in college due to knee issues, and at least once a year I have him critique my form. Often the things he recommends are annoying the first run or three (like pulling my hands back to my waist when I pump my arms), but soon they become habit and they really do help. Shoes can also affect you in ways you don’t realize, so if you’re running in old shoes consider investing in some new ones. I thought I was injured for months once because ever time I ran I’d have intense pain in my calves about a quarter mile in, and then it turned out I just needed new shoes and the pain was instantly gone. Now I have a six month rule for running shoes. Good luck and have fun!
Hail, fellow giant boob haver! Two sports bras. One on top of the other. For support. Annoying as hell to get into, but a big difference in running comfort.
As a fellow Giant Boobs haver (30H), I can recommend underwired sports bras as being pretty good for holding everything down.
Thanks all. I have been wearing two sports bras for a while but they are both pretty old, so I ordered a Shock Absorber and will go get fitted for an Enell at the nearest store. I also need new shoes I guess. And I’ll work on core and posture. Ughhhh I just want to run occasionally, I don’t want to WORK for it
Minneapolis/Saint Paul Toasties: does anyone want to go to the State Fair? I avoided it last year, after a bad experience at a fair in Another State, but think I might go this year. Patti Labelle is playing Sept 2!
I’m going to Italy in two weeks! Florence, to be exact. I have a friend who moved there earlier this summer to finally live with her long-distance Italian boyfriend of three years. We’re going to visit Cinque Terre while I’m there and see the Duomo and the Uffizi and eat cheese and pizza and gelato until I’m sick. I’m very excited.
Does anyone else have any upcoming travel/vacation plans?
So jealous! Do your plans include excessive quoting from A Room with a View while visiting the exact spots Lucy visits? Those would be my plans.
We’re going to Mount Desert Island in Maine (where Bar Harbour and Acadia National Park are) in one week. You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to entertain myself with quotes from a Room with a View regardless, because that just sounds like a fun idea. Enjoy your trip!
My partner needs in be in Austria for work in mid-Dec, so I’m just going to join him after and spend xmas in Vienna! (I think… flights are looking veeerrry pricey)
I just booked a trip to Budapest and Prague in November and I CAN’T WAIT
Budapest and Prague are lovely! Have fun.
AHHHH! You are going to love Florence! It’s a delightful city, so walkable, with fascinating shops everywhere! Stop by the Vecchio Forno bakery by the Duomo for the best damn rosemary raisin bread EVER, and if you can swing it, have one incredible dinner at Il Latini (it’s about 80 Euro per head, but so worth it).
I also asked this on the Link Roundup, but–
Coffee lovers question– have you all heard of “single source” coffee or “shade grown” coffee? Is this new a trend? Or are people in my neighborhood trying to make FETCH happen?
This isn’t new to me in my neck of the woods, which is pretty behind trends.
Yes! They are actual real things that people who are really superduper into coffee care about. Single source means from one grower and not a blend of beans from various growers (which is the usual thing) which means that specific characteristics really stand out. Shade grown means that the coffee plants are planted next to other plants, which is both supposed to give them a different flavor and be more environmentally sound (because the alternative is usually slash-and-burn forest clearing to make coffee plantations).
AH. Got it. Thanks! I honestly feel like people are making things up all the time.
Also shade-grown coffee is a lot better for migratory bird populations, since the shade-providing trees are important resting places in their migration patterns. So “bird-friendly” coffee is also a real thing.
*giant exhale*
So, MrKat and I recently visited home folks, mostly to get to know our two-year-old toddler niebling a bit, since we live many hundreds of miles away from our hometowns. Alas, ’twas not to be, because my husband’s mother needs to be on anti-anxiety medication and major therapy and has needed to do so for years and years, and she is not and will not, and so her deep insecurities and anxieties and co-dependencies get to flourish and control us all. Huzzah!
The poor wee child is cared for by this grandma multiple times weekly, on a regular basis. Grandma also likes to make sure to weekly regale MrKat with tales of woe of the family, and how he needs to stay more connected to the family, and that the family misses us, and basically all of our choices are wrong, and the only way to be right and whole again is to move back home and be controlled by her. So, how was the only breakfast we had with her and my lovely, beleaguered Sis-in-law and tot? Well, half of it was spent listening to Grandma have an exceedingly loud conversation on her cell phone, the other half cringing as every minor whine or less-than-happy expression from the nephew was met with offers of sausage and Mickey on the phone, despite how many clear signals his mother was sending out to back off.
I’m so disappointed I didn’t get to know the kid, but every time anyone else comes near him Grandma swoops in and metaphorically fills the room up with her her her and there’s no room for anyone else. If the little guy was sitting on the floor, playing trains with this new kick-ass uncle he just met, Grandma was there, literally hovering over them and trying to divert his attention away with offers of donuts and mashed potatoes and Grandma’s endless emotional needs that it is now this poor little toddler’s job to fulfill. I gave up and just tried to at least give MrKat some time and space past the immovable wall of Grandma, but fuck, man.
She doesn’t respect his very reasonable “No”s when it comes to his own damn body and that rage-triggers me. I reached up to straighten his little shirt out when he was perched on MrKat’s shoulders, and the little guy reflexively arched away and said, very very clearly and insistently, “DON’T tickle me!” Kid knows what he wants and he is never shy about expressing it and she is never shy about telling him, in so many words, that he doesn’t know what he wants and that she’s bigger and gets to do what she wants. Awesome. Really, really awesome to watch in real time.
If she was smarter, I’d think she’s trying to torpedo any relationship on purpose, so she can turn around and say, “Well, you could have gotten to know your nephew and be a family to him, but you just never bothered to and now you’re strangers to him and he only loves me!!!” Which is absurd, because even if she was actually a sociopath instead of just your garden-variety narcissist, she’s still not clever enough to be that devious. And my poor SIL feels trapped by the free childcare (during which close-by, regular multi-weekly contact Grandma acts like she’s thousands-of-miles distant Grandma and indulges every single thing he wants or she thinks he wants and he’s starting to be really peevish and fake-crying at home to get what he wants) and like she can’t speak up about her own damn kid.
MrKat got pissed off at me because I think he misunderstood a joke I was making, but who knows (couldn’t at all be his family stresses him the fuck out and since god fucking forbid anyone say what they’re really thinking, it’s blame Kat the Outsider time) and said I never have to come back to visit again. Which, awesome on the one hand, super shitty thing to say on the other, like, what? I should just suddenly stop coming when we’ve been married nearly 10 years and have ALWAYS come with him? Am I out of the family now? He said he doesn’t have a choice but to deal with them (ha ha, yes you do, dude, but wev), but I do, so I shouldn’t have to go if it makes me so miserable. Okay, great, I guess that’s how we’ll deal with emotionally-hard things from now on. FML
You know what? I have more feelings! FEELINGS FOR EVERYONE
I’ve been operating under the assumption for several years now that my MIL is just your basic ignorant, poorly-educated, small-town minded (she calls a decent-sized city home; it’s the mindset I’m referring to), unmedicated-anxiety disordered needy type of person, who hates change and really crumbled, emotionally, when her parents passed away with a few years of each other and the extended family started doing vacations differently (in a nutshell). Her co-dependence on that tiny kid, though. It was exhausting. And her need to control very single thing around her was really starkly on display this visit. She has some sort of personality disorder and I wish she would get some help for it.
You know what? I don’t think I will go back. If MrKat doesn’t need me (shock. He never does. What am I even doing?), then why bother? I tried so hard this visit to bypass her entirely, talked only to my SIL about what dates and what to do, and she still managed to take everything over. Even after the cell-phone conversation family breakfast, when I thought we were going to take nephew to the zoo, it was decided that Grandma would take him to get his haircut. I can see why she wanted to take him away from us for awhile, I mean, his hair had grown past his natural hairline by half a centimeter, and his uncle is literally ALWAYS in town once a year. It’s totally fine to take off on this very important, can-never-be-rescheduled errand.
MrKat said after they left that he thinks we were supposed to be really enthusiastic and go watch him be miserable in the barber chair for funsies. He was right, because the first thing MIL did when they got back, didn’t even say hello, was stick her phone in my face to watch the video of our really unhappy nephew strapped down in a chair getting his head buzzed while he cried. She thought it was a hilarious video. I’m learning so much about my husband’s childhood.
If I don’t go back, I’ll get a bunch of lies told about me to the extended family, but who cares? 99% of the shit coming out of her mouth is just crap she makes up because it sounds good to her, and then it becomes the truth. You know, when she met my parents the first time, she wouldn’t even shake my dad’s hand or look him in the eye? It’s not a cultural thing; she’s a non-churchy Protestant from Rust Belt Upstate NY; it’s an asshole thing. Man, I am worked up and it’s been a week!
CALL YOUR AWESOME MOTHERS IF YOU HAVE THEM
Holy crap that all sounds horrible! That poor kid! Poor you!
Thank you
But really, poor little mite. His mom is NEVER going to stand up to her mom, and her husband won’t unless she asks him too, and she won’t ask that. I mean, if she goes a weekend without seeing him my SIL gets either a mean phone call or a crying, why are you keeping him from me??? phone call. She needs a grandma time out and she’ll never get one.
I’m learning so much about my husband’s childhood.
Therrrrrrrrre it is.
I’m not saying it’s okay for MrKat to be unkind to you, or to fake-divorce you from the family as it felt like he did when he said you didn’t need to visit again. I am saying this visit might be bringing up memories of his own childhood that he hasn’t dealt with, or configuring memories* he thought were happier ones, in such a way that he’s reverting to childish thoughts and communications in the moment.
I have a family member like this, and no one on that side of the family really… deals with it. At all. It’s easier to let a steamroller roll over you than to try to stop it, I guess. And when I step out of the path of the steamroller, I get shouted down by everyone who’s afraid that the steamroller might do something even more destructive if it’s thwarted.
They’re trammeled in a dynamic they might not even see. Stepping outside of it is a really powerful, transgressive step for you to take, and it can be really, really scary for people to see. You have all my sympathy, whatever you do.
*Man oh man, I had a family visit like that several years back, where suddenly watching my mother with my nephews — a dynamic I’d seen over and over — suddenly illuminated a great deal about my own childhood and my own internal voices. It was a lot to deal with all of a sudden.
Yes! Families and that one jerk-ass no one stands up to, but then everybody gossips about. And then, when I’m all, “Well, if Aunt Karen is such an unpleasant, nasty mess to be around, why keep inviting her?” I am also roundly shouted down with cries of, “She’s FAMILY!” And they’re so aghast and I am so so cruel, and Looks are Exchanged about the barren, child-hating wife of poor MrKat. Because inviting her, resenting her presence, dreading her phone calls, and then gossiping endlessly about her is…somehow kinder?
In our relationship I am the anxious, mentally-weird one. I know this, I get this, HOWEVER, I am not ALWAYS stressed out or worried or looking at the world thru a single anxiety-tinted lens, but when we get around his family he starts treating me as if I am one of the people he has to handle, has to be careful around, has to cater to, like he’s lumping me in with them. I resent that. I try to keep it light because trying to have a conversation with him on his mother’s turf is impossible and I really should have waited until we got home, because he doesn’t like to admit that he isn’t 100% in control of his brain and emotions at all moments, so the idea that maybe he was projecting some stuff onto me was unwelcome. I think it’s easier for him to be annoyed with me, because for all I am one of the crazy, I am yet more reasonable than his mother.
*Just offering up a little prayer of thanks for whichever trickster god it was decided to nix any desire I might have had to procreate, because the flat-out war that would be waged would be epic*
. Stepping outside of it is a really powerful, transgressive step for you to take, and it can be really, really scary for people to see.
Yes, that. I’ve lost a friend over his narcissistic controlling crazy mom, and that right there is exactly the reason why. Because she has set it up so that it is thus.
I am going to visit my parents this weekend, and will 100% hug my awesome mother just for you. AND be replete with happiness while I watch her with her beloved grand-daughter.
DO!!! Be enveloped in warmth and reasonable behavior!
Gosh. All of this is just… awful. I wish I had something helpful or supportive to say, but I am speechless at how your poor nephew is being treated every day, and how disregarded you feel by your husband (hopefully ONLY in this corner of your marriage) and his family.
Thank you very much. Fortunately, he’s not in her care every single day, but man. I felt smothered by her and she basically ignores me unless it would be really weird not to (she says, as if she didn’t JUST REALIZE this has happened all along holy crap).
And yes, it is always nonsense regarding his family that we have our most…heavy? arguments. I am reluctant to call them important, but emotionally-wrought, definitely. There are other factors at play, and he’s not usually so cranky about stuff, and NORMALLY he is making with the funny along with me, but I guess he wasn’t in the mood this trip. Fair enough, but use big boy words, you know?
Might you plan time with the nibbling without Grandmomzilla? Would SIL be up for keeping secrets? Maybe you and Mr Kat can travel to nibbling’s vicinity without alerting She Who Is The Center of Her World. These plans may work better when nibbling is a little older, maybe in school.
Glob damn, this is ridiculous. But so valuable for you to see the family dynamic Mr Kat survived. You have every right to feel frustrated. And oh my goodness, that poor little nibbling. It’s good the kidlet has you, though.
Oh, we tried this trip and I will try again. It’s just my MIL and SIL are so deeply enmeshed (MIL insists on daily phone calls, with guilt-texting if SIL lets it get too late without calling) that I don’t think she COULD keep a secret even if she wanted. I might try a run-around and go to her husband. He’s also of the Outside and if not good for a caper, would at least be good for the childcare schedule and when nephew is at his parents’ house instead so we could just surprise them. 45 minutes from MIL’s house might get us some time before someone in the network lets our presence slip.
I genuinely do not believe we could get in and out without her knowing. Even if she didn’t tell her mom, my SIL would tell someone, casually and innocently, and it would eventually make its way around to her, probably while we were still there. They are all so up in each other’s business I’ve never seen anything like it. Like some crazy white people rat king.
Oh, definitely try to coordinate with SIL’s spouse. I love to think of him saying to SIL, let’s put the kid in the car and go somewhere, right now. Then they drive to your motel and y’all have a wonderful time.
Craft thread? Craft thread!
Toasties, what are you making? I starting sewing again for the first time in a decade (I’m not sure if “again” is quite right since all my previous sewing was done in home-ec class, so there wasn’t a lot of independence or choice there, but it’s not my first time using a sewing machine) and I am utterly addicted. I’ve made a tote bag, a skirt, and a scarf so far and I’m really enjoying it.
Any seamstress toasties? Suggested resources for beginner sewing, good patterns to try, things to look out for? What else are people working on?
This is super amateur stuff, but I opened the fake pockets on two pairs of pocketless jeans I just bought and hand-stitched actual pockets onto them. I feel SO ACCOMPLISHED. It makes me want to find a sewing machine, since the last one I used was my mother’s, and she’s back in Dallas.
Oh man, fake pockets make me so mad, but it never occurred to me that you could just put actual pockets there! Knew I joined the Discordians for a reason, you’re a dang genius.
Yay! I’m doing house repairs at the moment but I’ll have a whole room just for craftyness when I get settled! My great aunt gave me a bunch of pieces of quilts she was working on and doesn’t have the eyesight to finish so my first project will be to finish them so i have beautiful quilts for my new bedroom.
One of my favorite beginning sewing patterns is Made by Rae’s Washi Dress. I recommended it to an experienced sewist last week because it’s hella easy but looks great and has a bunch of variations. The directions are super easy to follow and Rae has a bunch of tutorials on her website specifically for the washi so even though it may look like a ton of new techniques it’s very doable for a beginner.
Right now I am trying to finish some curtains for our back window because we have (not kidding) been using a sheet for two years and that shit just needs to stop already.
I have a great desire to do a Furiosa altered portrait, though, but I don’t know when I’ll have the proper combo of time and energy. Maybe in October?
I’m wearing, at this moment, a Washi dress I made last year from this fabric: https://www.fabric.com/buy/0320874/fox-and-the-ho…
I second the pattern–the elastic in the back makes it less important that you get the fit exactly right. It fits me better than other dresses I’ve made since then, even though I’m a better sewer now than I was when I met the Washi dress.
Ahh! So cute!
I successfully made a duct tape dress form last weekend! She looks…odd and I’m sure my boobs are bigger than that, but it should really help me with fitting. Now I just need to actually start sewing!
Yay! Congratulations!
That is awesome! Did you fill it with stuff after, or does the duct tape hold its shape?
I made a Colette Myrtle dress last weekend and I looove it! And I’m super proud of myself for reading pattern reviews before and pre-altering the pattern so I did not have massive underarm holes and superwide shoulders and instead it fits just about perfect.
I used this tutorial and stuffed it with a combination of crumpled newspaper and shredded paper. We only used a little bit of the expanding foam, which I think was a good idea.
I have a couple of Colette patterns (and her book) and I really need to make them, I’m a big fan of her style.
Congrats!! If you’re not sure about the boobs, maybe pop one of your bras on there and see how it looks…might give you a better idea!
I am about to sew the left shoulder strap of most of my bras to be roughly an inch closer to the middle in the back, because safety-pin experiments have shown that this drastically reduces their tendency to slip off my shoulder. =>
I am also incredibly close to finishing a cross-stitch for my younger kid’s room, because he noticed that I’d made two for his room but THREE for his big sister’s, and that would never do. I will post a picture when I’m done!
I will be returning to university in a couple of weeks, and since I have put most of my possessions in storage, I will have room in my luggage to bring my (very beautiful) new sewing machine!
So far I can make skirts. I’d really like to be able to make a dress or a blouse, but those seem like complex and intimidating tasks…
i can make full renfaire garb but for some reason modern lady blouses terrify me. good luck and godspeed good soldier!
Blogs! Not sure what you’re looking to make, but some of my favorites are:
http://sewaholic.net
https://blog.colettehq.com
http://lladybird.com
http://closetcasefiles.com
https://craftingarainbow.wordpress.com
I am on my third attempt at knitting a gauge swatch for a new sweater project, and am between sewing projects at the moment. But things I’ve made live here: http://awaywesew.tumblr.com
I made a skirt and a dress this past week – a sewaholic cambie and crescent skirt (pockets, woo!). I think my next thing will be a vogue v9100 (which has different pattern pieces for different bust sizes! thanks for the rec, CleverManka :D). Princess seams are my next challenge.
I’m hoping to steal my mother’s sewing machine for the winter and make curtains for my new office.
(Sewing curtains in my favorite. Straight lines, very gratifying)
Straight lines are the reason I like quilting. I’m much better at 2D than 3D
i specifically chose a vertical stripe for my living room curtains to make the project as simple as humanly possible. it was like sewing on graph paper. woot!
Nerding out with a couple of knitting looms and thrift store yarn. On loom one: A scarf that looks like something a lesbian grandma in a 1980’s sitcom would wear. Loom 2: A hat so small a cat couldn’t wear it (but the loom is way too big for wrist warmers, which are all I really want to make). I made some decent slippers, though.
i leave for burning man in 8 days so it’s SEW ALL THE THINGS time.
* i made a full length white circle cloak with a white fur capelet for Temple Burn night.
* i found a set of boys’ hockey shoulder pads that fit me and have been reduxing my fox fur & scale mail pauldrons to be even more badass.
* i made a set of privacy curtains for my shade structure ’cause i’m not a prude but i’d like a bit of privacy for my morning toilette.
* i bought a purple furry monster hood/hat (WITH GIANT GOOGLY EYES!) but it’s got a pink mohawk. that’s gotta go so i’m making a new black furry mohawk with built in purple lights.
* i have bolts & washers reclaimed from the remains of the Man & Temple at each burn i’ve been to and it’s all getting a bit heavy to simply wear on a string around my neck. i am therefor making a super chunky necklace/collar/yoke thing with leather and wooden beads and metal scraps and aforementioned washers & bolts.
there’s more. so much more. my entire Habitat looks like a post apocalyptic combination camp-store-and-costume-shop threw up all over the place *sigh*
I live in SF and every time I’ve gone to the fabric store this week there have been people buying massive amounts of fake fur. It is most definitely burning man season.
so what you’re saying is that all of your hippies are about to be MY problem for a week?
Those all sound like awesome projects. I’d love to see pictures if you’re up for that.
i will most definitely be taking some pics 🙂
Hi Toast!
I live in Sitka, the small Alaska town hit by landslides this week. I am also one of the incident geologists tasked with assessing the stability of the slides. I am having pretty extreme bouts of Imposter Syndrome. Plus all the men around me are playing Real American Heros and generally being insufferable.
Plus, I am dragging my 6-month old daughter with me when I work at the command center. It’s draining. Though, I have enjoyed nursing her during the many briefings, tends to confuse the menz.
On the plus side I got to fly in a USCG Jayhawk helicopter to take pictures of the slides and meet the governor. (The rescue swimmer ready room at the USCG base was the most duderrific place I have ever been.)
I hope they recover the third body today, before the forecast storm this weekend hits. Supposed to rain another 2.5 inches and blow 30 knots. Ugh.
It can only get easier from here.
Damn girl. It sounds like you’re amazing.
Hello fellow geology person! I am thinking good thoughts for you because that all sounds miserable.
Hi! It pretty much sucked when I’m all “Giant Safety Concern!!!” And dude geologist is all “meh, NBD.” Then does the unsafe thing anyway. Nobody got hurt so I look like a moron.
Oh god I totally worked for a guy like that who, not coincidentally, was also a sexist bully. Yeah he seemed to think “a geologist with a metal detector” was the same thing as “a private utility markout” and was SHOCKED and ANGRY when I contacted the water line. I mean.
This sounds like a bunch of dude geologists (and I’m going to be honest, some of the lady geologists) I’ve known. “Safety? Whatever man, its totes cool.” *goes climbing around fifty-foot cliffs in the dark while drunk*
WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH GEOLOGISTS AND SAFETY??
But seriously you did the right thing, even if everything turned out ok anyway.
because in grad school Friday Beer was renamed Safety Committee Meeting so when someone called for a prof and he was drinking beer it sounded more … formal-like.
I know. Me too. I am the Actual Safety Committee for a pile of things and it BITES.
I’m so sorry. Best wishes coming your way from Fairbanks, and loads of respect for what sounds like some seriously heroic geologist-mother-responder-ing.
Hell, it sounds like your specifically NOT playing Real American Hero is already an incredibly valuable asset for the team. It sounds like you’re doing your job, and doing it damn well, in a cool-headed fashion. Thank you for your hard work, and good job for helping take care of a tragic and profoundly difficult situation!
Ditto to all.
Oof, that’s a hard situation to be in. As a fellow natural science person, I can say that I’m sure you’re capable, because women don’t get put in these kinds of positions unless they are 100% obviously capable. It’s men who get to ride the glass elevator beyond where they should be.
I’m in a slightly similar (but much less stressful) situation where I’ve been put on a provincial experts panel for something I don’t really feel like I’m an expert in, and several of the men are much older and have been on this panel for years. It’s hard to feel like I can challenge them on things, but I’m trying. Mostly I’ve been trying to rapidly get up to speed, falling back on what I do know I know (because I might not know it all or even most of it, but I do know about a couple topics so I can build on those), and trying to remember that even an alternate point of view has value. It helps that there’s another woman who is new on the otherwise all-male panel, who luckily has similar opinions to mine plus about another decade of experience, and who took me aside after the first meeting and said “I think they are used to running this as an Old Boys Club. I suggest we don’t let them.” So, it sounds like the men are planning to use this as a Indiana Jones Roleplaying Club, and I suggest you don’t let them do that, either.
ah you are aweomse
Holy shit, you sound like a badass!
keep confusing the menz however you can.
Apparently I live in a hole (more accurately, I work full time, have a toddler and Mr.larocquen was away at a conference this week) so I had NO IDEA THIS HAPPENED and now need to go out and read all the news articles.
1. I am so, so sorry to hear about this natural disaster.
2. I’ve visited Sitka. It was only a day visit on a cruise but it was hands down my favorite stop on one of my favorite vacations of all time.
3. My aunt works in the area of social work and used to go up and work/live in Sitka for like, 6 weeks (?) a year for a number of years. She has wonderful stories.
4. You are super woman. Working under those conditions is stressful enough but to have to take care of a 6 month old AND nurse on top of it all??? You rule. You are doing good, important work and I hope things DO get easier from here on out.
Hallo fellow geologist, MOAR POWER TO YOU!! confuze the Menz, and nurse your baby and thank you for doing that job
I need advice!
My brother and his boyfriend broke up recently. They both moved from the city I live in back to another province. Brother moved in with my parents. Ex moved in with his grandparents. And it was good. My brother hadn’t seemed happy in forever and he was really putting some effort into get a job etc.
Background: ex-boyfriend starts a lot of businesses and then passes them off to brother to keep going when his attention gets diverted. They’re constantly quitting jobs or getting fired. They move all the time as the unemployment makes it hard for them to afford stable housing.
When one of their cats ate one of their lizards, ex beat the cat with a broom and then abandoned both cats outside in the winter. The lizard eater died (because lizards are bad to eat) and the other cat, he eventually went back and got. My brother made excuses. The ex is needy and manipulative. He pretends to be sick or depressed whenever my brother attempts to leave. He pretends to fall asleep at family gatherings rather than interact with anyone.
The only time my husband and I saw either of them is when they wanted money.
Anyway, suddenly, ex posts on Facebook that he and my brother and some other guy are all going to be living in poly bliss in a small town. They met this other guy online and ex decided that this was what was happening. And my brother takes off without even telling my mom he’s moving out. In fact, he’s always acted secretive and weird about everything and lies all the time. He doesn’t understand that it’s not what he’s doing that bugs the family. It’s the secretiveness and the lies that bug us. He treats us all as if we are stupid. Like, he for some reason thinks my mom doesn’t know what’s up, but she’s on Facebook, so… of course. He’s telling her “we’re all just roommates”
I can’t forgive the ex for what he did to the cats. I just can’t. He’s not a good person. And I don’t know this other guy at all. But my mom wants them all to be welcome at my cottage holiday so she can have her kids together. And I don’t. It’s not the polyamory. Good for him, not for me. It’s the lying, the animal abuse, the treating us like ATMs and I don’t want some stranger they found online at my family holiday. I’ve been looking forward to this holiday for months. And I paid for the cottage. Am I out of line for wanting to put my foot down and tell my brother, “if you visit, you visit alone”? I guess it’s a question of how willing am I to risk damaging my relationship with my brother. Although, he’s already made it clear that he resents the hell out of me and my sister for having stable lives. He believes our parents favour us and I’m like “dude, they haven’t given us thousands of dollars or bought either of us a car, so figure it out”.
Sorry for the rant. It’s pretty cathartic to get out though.
yikes! and also that sounds really crappy from beginning to end – I hope you get some more balanced place soon.
Thank you! I’m sick with worry and kind thoughts help.
Yeah, no. Sorry mom, but you’re not obligated to host two grifters on your dime. That’s awful. If your brother won’t come without them he should visit your mother at another time. Yikes. I hope all goes well.
Yes, it’s fair to put your foot down on inviting people you don’t like to the holiday you paid for.
But I’d say *just* don’t invite the cat abuser. That way you’re making a clear statement it’s about that person’s bad behavior rather than about brother’s poly-ness. Because maybe the new guy is actually a decent fellow who’s also got trapped in cat-abuser’s human-abusing, and maybe they’ll be able to help each other get out?
OKAY. Let’s you & me chat, because apparently we have the same family dynamic, and you’re where I was 8-10 years ago, and do I ever have some hindsight for you.
There are 4 of us siblings, and it’s little bro who is the user in this case. Because I agree his BF is problematic in millions of ways, but we all know that 5 years from now, bro & this BF won’t be together (BF will prob kick bro out to live with just his internet stranger within the year). But you & your sis & parents will have bro around through all of it.
And you know what’ll happen each time he’s at a family dinner or holiday? It’ll all be about him. If his BF/extraBF are around, it’ll all be about him being as confrontational as possible trying to get a rise that he can react to. If he’s solo, it’ll be about him making all the comparisons that show Bro to be the Sad Unwanted Lonely One because it’s your fault & your sister’s fault that you have (stable jobs / happy relationships / nice living situations / a cute dog / a bigger slice of the cake of life.) You & sis – your problems are petty, your lives are somehow both enviable and boring, and you don’t deserve what you have.
He, OTOH, is persecuted everywhere he goes. The boss has it out for him. No one understands him. What little he does have is no where near his due. His dramas are the only dramas that are important, and you have always been a high-handed jerk to him.
This is not something that will change. This is how he is, as an adult. He is secretive and lies because it’s far easier to manipulate if you do that. To get a home to live in when you lose your housing. To get a car. To get a vacation, and cash, and the biggest piece of cake. Here’s a few more things to add to the secrets & lying: emotional manipulation, selective memory of past events, and flat-out denial that well-documented things actual happened.
I’m not suggesting that you cut him out of your life. I am suggesting that you set VERY firm boundaries for yourself, and don’t feel bad about keeping them. You don’t want to give him money? Tell your husband & both of you stop giving him money. You don’t want his entourage on holiday? Make the rule clear, and if he shows up with them, tell him he can send them away or they can all leave together. Mute him on FB – and his entourage – because he’ll post passive-aggressive memes or some such shit. It can be morbidly fascinating to watch, but it’s not worth the stress.
My sis is the one who had to do the big cutting out of bro from our lives. It caused strife between her & our parents, who totally understood why (the things bro pulled were appalling, and even the things he pulled in the run up to the final rift were appalling, but she and I just took it.) Dad learned to roll with it, but Mom still wishes we were her happy family all together. Well, the last happy family all together vacation we tried was full of bro disappearing when we had a schedule, randomly skipping events, getting mad when others had fun at those events, abandoning his stepkid who we’d all just met for the other parents to entertain (which was fine but he could have asked or returned the favor), turning the anniversary toast into a barb about the rest of us and our stable boring lives, etc. Personally, I have a lot more fun without him there. If we do have family events, that’s fine, I can talk to his kid and enjoy that while ignoring him.
Mom wishes there was that Norman Rockwell thing happening. Leaving aside how much her enabling him (cash, cars, jobs, housing, on and on) over the years has been a part of the problem wrt his inability to grow the fuck up, I’ve decided my job is to hold to my line, and listen to her wishful thinking, while gently reminding her that we don’t have a Norman Rockwell life. She’ll have a ton more fun and ton less stress on the family vacation if it’s just this group of us. He wants to feel left out? Well, he is. He can figure out why and make changes, or he can plan a vacation of his own and invite us or not.
Don’t fall into his traps. He does not honestly care enough about you and your family to want to go to your cottage so that you can all sit around playing board games or hiking or whatever. He’s not interested in your company, in bonding, in a nice relaxing time. He would only be there because he thinks he’s entitled to all the cake, even if he’s not hungry and hasn’t done any baking. And his only pleasure in it would be sticking pins in the little piece of cake he leaves you, to see you react.
(I may be conflating my issues too much with yours, and I’m sorry if so. But so much of what you say reminds me entirely too much of my own life. Stay strong – you deserve it.)
Well, we’re half there. About a year ago, I had to tell husband “no more you rushing to help, I have stopped giving them cash” and we never saw them! So good. Now, if my parents could only do the same. You’re right. His locus of control is very external. So frustrating. The world is not out to get you! It doesn’t care!
Much wisdom here. Sorry for both of you, dakimel and PRockette. This is difficult stuff. But I believe in both of you. You are strong, thoughtful, and more than capable.
“It’s the lying, the animal abuse, the treating us like ATMs and I don’t want some stranger they found online at my family holiday.”
That’s what I would tell my mom and my brother, should I be in that situation. My mom is like your mom, she has her rose colored glasses stapled to her head and wants to see the happy family no matter what is really going on. And even if you are blunt about something/someone she will often act as like nothing was ever said. But I’d say (and do say) it anyhow.
You can’t fix your brother’s situation, and having him at your vacation will not make a happy family movie like your mom wants. For me, it’s better to have the no kid gloves conversation *before* the vacation, rather than the meltdown *during* the vacation.
Hey Toasties! This weekend marks the start of the one year anniversary of the worst month of my life! A year ago, over the course of three and a half weeks, a close family member committed suicide, I lost my job, and my partner’s father passed away. I might seem rather chipper about this (I’ve already used two exclamation points…) but over the past few days I’ve been thinking about how these events proved my strength and the strength of my relationships with my family and my partner. It was a Learning Month. So I’m going to get a new tattoo.
What have you all done to mark your learning moments, Toasties?
Tattoos, actually 😀
Good lord that sounds like an incredibly trying month, congratulations to you for getting through it all. I am in a similar holy-hell-what-just-happened stage, though my drama stretched out over a year (divorce, marriage, betrayal from a family member, depression, etc etc etc). Its funny you mention tattoo, because I was also trying to think of something to commemorate my…I dunno, survival? I was even thinking of changing my last name. (Context: my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I were originally planning to choose a last name to sidestep the issue of choosing, but we never got around to it and now its obv a moot point, so.) I guess Cheryl Strayed did something similar? In addn to the desire to mark the occasion, I’ve always wanted to be one of those people whose first and last names start with the same letter,…it sounds kinda superhero-y!
Anyhow, I love the tattoo idea too, any thoughts on what you’d like to get done?
Woof, that sounds like a terrible year! But good on you for making it through to the other side. It’s sunny over here 🙂
The tattoo I got after finishing grad school was definitely for surviving. Sometimes when I’m not sure if I’m on the right path, I look at it and it comforts me. Changing your name is an awesome idea too!
Last December, 3 months after the Awful Month, my partner and I went to New Zealand for a wedding. On New Years’ Day, I woke up early early early, and after several overcast days there was bright sunshine revealing the most amazing view – the Remarkable Mountains across Lake Wakatipu. That is the morning that I knew that everything was going to be okay. I want those mountains on my body.
I think that’s a LOVELY idea for a tattoo! Those moments – “everything is going to be okay” – are the best feeling in the world, and commemorating them will help with moving forward, I bet.
I only got my first tattoo about 6 months ago (the symbol of the university I went to, b/c the 6 years I spent there – 4 in school, 2 after – were wonderful and hard and formative) … but now I am thinking about collecting so many more! I want the NYC skyline, for the same reason as my uni tattoo… I want to get one while I’m in New Zealand next Feb, not sure what.
Feeling like the next Open Thread probably needs a thread on New Zealand tourism 🙂
Last year was the tenth year of life I almost didn’t get (suicide attempt that led to hospitalization, I’m MUCH better now), so I…went shopping. Actually, it’s slightly more meaningful than that, because what I did was stop obsessing about not looking perfect and start letting myself dress the way I actually want to dress. Internally, it was pretty big, but externally, it was mostly shopping. I might get a tattoo when we hit fifteen or twenty years. Hm…now I’m getting ideas.
You’re amazing! Good for you. One of my favourite things in life is seeing people who look comfortable and awesome in their clothes. Maybe it’s just a person on the subway with really awesome lipstick or who’s really rocking a dapper outfit. We could all take pointers from you on learning to wear what makes us comfortable and confident!
I need advice!
My brother and his boyfriend broke up recently. They both moved from the city I live in back to another province. Brother moved in with my parents. Ex moved in with his grandparents. And it was good. My brother hadn’t seemed happy in forever and he was really putting some effort into get a job etc.
Background: ex-boyfriend starts a lot of businesses and then passes them off to brother to keep going when his attention gets diverted. They’re constantly quitting jobs or getting fired. They move all the time as the unemployment makes it hard for them to afford stable housing.
When one of their cats ate one of their lizards, ex beat the cat with a broom and then abandoned both cats outside in the winter. The lizard eater died (because lizards are bad to eat) and the other cat, he eventually went back and got. My brother made excuses. The ex is needy and manipulative. He pretends to be sick or depressed whenever my brother attempts to leave. He pretends to fall asleep at family gatherings rather than interact with anyone.
The only time my husband and I saw either of them is when they wanted money.
Anyway, suddenly, ex posts on Facebook that he and my brother and some other guy are all going to be living in poly bliss in a small town. They met this other guy online and ex decided that this was what was happening. And my brother takes off without even telling my mom he’s moving out. In fact, he’s always acted secretive and weird about everything and lies all the time. He doesn’t understand that it’s not what he’s doing that bugs the family. It’s the secretiveness and the lies that bug us. He treats us all as if we are stupid. Like, he for some reason thinks my mom doesn’t know what’s up, but she’s on Facebook, so… of course. He’s telling her “we’re all just roommates”
I can’t forgive the ex for what he did to the cats. I just can’t. He’s not a good person. And I don’t know this other guy at all. But my mom wants them all to be welcome at my cottage holiday so she can have her kids together. And I don’t. It’s not the polyamory. Good for him, not for me. It’s the lying, the animal abuse, the treating us like ATMs and I don’t want some stranger they found online at my family holiday. I’ve been looking forward to this holiday for months. And I paid for the cottage. Am I out of line for wanting to put my foot down and tell my brother, “if you visit, you visit alone”? I guess it’s a question of how willing am I to risk damaging my relationship with my brother. Although, he’s already made it clear that he resents the hell out of me and my sister for having stable lives. He believes our parents favour us and I’m like “dude, they haven’t given us thousands of dollars or bought either of us a car, so figure it out”.
Sorry for the rant. It’s pretty cathartic to get out though.
People who abuse animals are extremely likely to abuse people. Your brother seems like he could be in a pretty bad situation. In this instance, I’m torn between telling him to come alone and hoping he gets some clarity, or being welcoming to that asshole so that he can’t play up some “us vs them” storyline.
That’s my worry. My brother is like “he was so depressed, he couldn’t help it.” And I thought “Argh, our family of animal lovers struggles with depression, so don’t even.”
You are extremely justified, and your brother needs to get himself out of that abusive relationship. I think you can stand on your refusal just because the ex beat the animal, animal cruelty is a pretty non-controversially “bad” thing, nobody is going to argue that it isn’t, so it seems as good a line to draw as any if you need an acceptable excuse to turn down the ex in your space.
This is a horrible situation and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
Thank you.
I mean, it’s so horrible I didn’t feel right posting a gif. This is just…awful. Animal cruelty is just beyond the beyond.
Oh, one more thing before I go to bed. I’m hoping to pick your brains about children’s films. The other night we watched Paper Planes and while I love that it’s very Australian in many ways, when it starts off, my older daughter (6 years old) says, ‘Why are the movies always about boys? Why not girls?’ And I was, ‘I KNOW RIGHT.’
Of course, she got into it and found it quite touching, but still. I wondered if any of you could recommend good movies with girls as protagonists, suitable for that age group. She’s about to turn seven and is slowly wanting to move away from animation. Thanks in advance!
Hmm. Not sure if this is right for her age, but have you thought about Studio Ghibli movies? Some might be a bit too old for her, but My Neighbor Totoro and Ponyo might work (although, it must be said that Ponyo has a male main character who gets equal time with Ponyo, the main female character).
In that vein, Kiki’s Delivery Service and Princess Mononoke have female protagonists, although I haven’t watched them in years, so there may have been dude protagonists that I have just conveniently forgotten.
Princess Mononoke focuses on Ashitaka more than San…and it’s pretty violent so my instinct would be to not show it to children, but Kiki’s Delivery service is an excellent suggestion and I can’t believe I forgot about it.
Thanks for the ideas! She has seen a few of the Ghibli movies, and enjoys them (perhaps I enjoy them a little more than she does! Heh) but she’s getting more into live action nowadays.
As a former horse girl, I feel like there’s a decent amount of horsey media with girls as protagonists. The first movie that comes to mind is National Velvet, which I watched many, many times as a child.
Hmm, that’s a good idea. I’d not thought of the more horsey movies.
I found this list which has some non-animated suggestions (although sadly not that many): http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2012/06/29/girl-pow… Akeelah and the Bee looks good, so I may have to give it a watch myself. I’ll report back, if I do.
That’s a great list, thank you! There are at least three which would be good for her. I’ll see if I can get hold of them.
Not super sure about age appropriateness, but: Fly Away Home. A Little Princess (the Alfonso Cuaron version).
Yes, Fly Away Home would be good! I looked up A Little Princess and think perhaps she needs to age a bit for that one 🙂
Thanks!
Reel Girl http://reelgirl.com/2013/09/reel-girls-list-of-gr… and Mighty Girl have some recommended lists
Ooh, these are great! Thanks very much for the link!
Whale Rider? might be a bit too old for her though just yet.
Yeah, I think you might be right. Maybe a couple of years down the track.
Song of the Sea!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1865505/?ref_=fn_al_t…
Great movie. Irish folklore, selkies, gorgeous songwriting. It’s by the people who did The Secret of Kellis.
This has come up a couple of times on lists and I’ve never heard of it, but it looks lovely. Thank you!
I second the Ghibli films. Adding on to Ponyo and Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service is very sweet, and age-appropriate, and I haven’t seen the Secret World of Arrietty seems like it would be pretty good as well.
Lilo and Stitch is also a favorite of mine (although I still cry all the tears when I watch it) and depending on her maturity level, Labyrinth is a great film, too. (I was a child of the 80s so I was raised on kids films that are now seen as terrifying such a Willow and The Neverending Story.) Also, when I was a young’un Bringing Up Baby with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant was a favorite film. Not a kids film, per se, but it made me laugh very much AND started a lifelong Katherine Hepburn obsession. Win-win!
She has seen a lot of the Ghibli films, which I also love. We did show them The Dark Crystal and I think they freaked out a bit! Heh, oops. Labyrinth and Willow are favourites of ours (the Handsome Sidekick and I also grew up in the 80s) but we’ll probably wait a bit for them. I wonder about The Neverending Story… might be worth a try. Thank you!
I’m no good at age-appropriateness, but The Secret of Roan Inish is delightful. And it has changelings! (Okay, selkies. Close enough.)
Yes! I must’ve watched it when I was really young, because my memories of that movie are dreamlike, but I know I did love it!
I’ve never heard of this but it sounds lovely, and I think she’d really get into that. Thanks.
Kiki’s delivery service and Totoro, for sure. (off to dig in our dvd suitcase, brb)
A little princess (the recent disney live action one).
Chicken Run. The Princess Bride. Flushed Away. A series of Unfortunate Events (yes, she shares screen time with her brother, but she’s the brains). Stardust (yes, male protagonist, but female character most powerful in the end).
Daughter will be home in an hour and I’ll ask her and pop back here.
The Princess Bride… I loved this one, and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it!
Other people have suggested Studio Ghibli films, but I wanted to recommend two in particular: Porco Rosso (which features a smart teenage girl who wants to be an engineer) and From Up On Poppy Hill (high school girl protagonist, school shenanigans and family and Japan in the 1960s).There are some parts of Poppy Hill that might be a little confusing, but it’s beautiful and very gentle, and you don’t have to be clued into the complexities of modern Japanese history to get into it.
My favorite movie at age six was The Secret of Roan Inish, about a girl who goes to live on the rural Irish coast with her grandparents and…ok, someone up thread already recommended this one, so co-signed!
Yes, she’s seen a few of the Ghibli films, and liked Porco Rosso, but I didn’t know about Poppy Hill. I will look that up, thank you!
Home (one with Rihanna voicing the lead character), Brave, Lilo & Stitch, Tangled, are all good movies with girl main characters and suitable for that age group. Another one might be Inside Out. It isn’t inappropriate, though it may go over her head.
We just watched Home recently and loved it ♥ She really enjoyed Brave, too, although I’ve watched it with them twice and still tear up in a few places. I’m hopeless when it comes to parents/children losing each other. I just can’t deal with it.
I don’t know if I’d feel 100% sure about calling it a good movie, but Aquamarine is pretty sweet and has a mermaid in it! Also, at the end of the movie it basically pushes aside the romance to be like ‘NO! Platonic love is JUST as important as romantic love!’ which is so rare for a movie aimed at girls (even though I think maybe it’s becoming more of a thing now, thanks to Frozen?)
Also Troop Beverly Hills, which is delightfully cheesy and stars Shelley Long wearing some AMAZING 80’s outfits while she leads a (not) girl scout group! At one point the troop have to sell cookies and this happens: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJhchLeR1X0
And then of course there are the Princess Diaries movies, which I was in love with when I was around a kid, Ella Enchanted and maybe Ever After? I think I was about 7 when I saw that and thought it was pretty great.
And for animated movies I would also recommend the Studio Ghibli movies, apart from the ones others have mentioned I think Spirited Away would be pretty good for a 6/7 year old, also Howl’s Moving Castle (but NOT Princess Mononoke, I saw that when I was 12 and was… disturbed by some of the imagery) and she’s probably already seen all the Disney movies but Mulan was my favorite growing up so I have to mention it 🙂
I feel like there should be more but my mind has gone blank!
Mulan is great, I really liked it too. I hadn’t seen it until we got it one time for them to watch! I really liked Howl’s Moving Castle, too, and have the book, which I hope they might read when they get a bit bigger. I found Spirited Away a little creepy when I saw it a few years ago, but it might be worth another look. And thanks for the suggestion of Aquamarine!
Hey Toasts! I usually don’t participate in the Open Thread, because of completionist reasons (also why I don’t do the twitter), but hi! I feel closer to you all now because, although I have been the head volunteer librarian at my children’s school for two years, today I just got an official *paid* position as a part-time librarian at a synagogue (it’s a small place, so I guess it’s okay that I don’t have an MLS). Yay me! I think, even with no MLS, that I’m official a librarian now! Yay!
Also, if any of you want to give me tens of thousands of dollars to pay for an MLS program, that would be super. I’m working up to it, is what I’m saying, but also am stressed about money.
Anyway, yay!
Aww, that made me laugh. Thanks! PS Poor, poor, ill-fated red shirts.
Yay, Claudia! Very happy for you. And I avoid Twitter for similar reasons. But I feel l am missing out. I tried Twitter and felt overwhelmed. Not sure why. I am a completist at times. That might explain it. I also experience overwhelm fairly easily. Just here to say Me Too! You are not alone.
CONGRATS!!!
Has anyone read this true crime story that was in a link roundup earlier this week? http://longform.org/stories/angelsdemons
It took me 3 days to read the whole thing (yay for chapters!) but I have not been so consumed by a story like this in so long.
I did. Same thing. Have been thinking about it for days.
I finished it at lunchtime! Scary creepy stuff.
I just started reading it now. Only a little ways in, but damn its good
IT WAS SO GOOD. The entire time I was reading, I had a weird sense that I had read the story before… but it was so good that it’s quite possible that I DID read it previously, then deliberately Eternal Sunshine’d myself so I could enjoy reading it for the first time all over again someday.
I wish I could do that with other things I read.
I finished it a couple of nights ago and have been thinking of it ever since. I can’t get over this line:
“Whatever this quality was, it soon made an impression on the jurors. Seated across the room from him, some of the eight women on the jury could hardly bear to look at him.
They wanted to get away from the man.”
I’m just so glad he was found and convicted.
It was amazingly-written and heart-wrenchingly sad and unutterably terrifying. I read it on the edge of my seat and I wish I could read it again for the very first time.
This is our third month of “trying” to get pregnant and I am surrounded at work by women who got pregnant the VERY FIRST TIME they tried. And one of them had sex ONCE last month–bam. Pregnant. I know intellectually that this is perfectly normal but it fucking sucks to be surrounded by incredibly fertile people who keep making jokes about how I’m next! And I better get my husband to knock me up! I want to cry.
I’m sorry about the sads. It’s almost the weekend, although that’s just a temporary reprieve from this stuff. I don’t think it’s normal intellectually to know exactly how someone else conceived (frequency of sex and whatnot), so maybe TMI on their parts? Jeesh.
My office is TMI central. I don’t WANT to know how often other people are having sex or how often their kids are pooping, but I hear it anyway! This is why headphones and audiobooks exist.
ugh gross boundary-violating jokes
*hugs*
That does fucking suck. I’m sorry.
I was in the same boat. I am a control freak so I was outraged that following the recipe perfectly (i.e., copious sexing in the appropriate windows) did not immediately produce results. I started getting really obsessed and paranoid something was wrong, so I starting temping and charting and all that. But it happened after a few months and I have no idea why that particular month was the winner. It’s a shitty spot to be in, so many hugs to you. You’ll get there.
It is unbelievably frustrating. After several years of IF YOU HAVE SEX EVEN ONCE YOU’LL GET PREGNANT, and with two women who just had babies who got pregnant instantly (and now back in the office it’s babies-all-the-time chatter) it’s incredibly fucking irritating that it didn’t happen right off the bat for me. Like…obviously it’s normal and I read the stats and everything, but….come on, universe, throw me ONE BONE here, why won’t you?
Toasts! I do believe this is the first time I’ve ever posted to the open thread from a train. I’m somewhere in southern Vermont or western Massachusetts, on my way home from a mini-vacation in Montpelier. It was lovely, and the brutal heat wave of the beginning of the week subsided enough yesterday for me to go on a hike in a wooded park, and climb to a scenic lookout point and gaze at mountains in all directions. Including the famous Camel’s Hump off in the distance.
Who else has been on vacation this week? Where did you go?
Wasn’t that heatwave just the worst though? I was apparently just south of you in Barre the whole time. I don’t get to vacation. Mostly because I already live here.
I was actually in Barre for part of the time I was there — doing a little research in the Vermont Historical Society’s library on Washington Street. We may have crossed paths without knowing it! (I was a bit dazed by the heat every time I ventured outdoors, though.)
I live a stone’s throw away from that building. Like literally up the road a few feet and on a side street. Guys! Guys! I was briefly in the same area as another Toastie! I knew that things felt magical. Or maybe that was my brain melting in the heat. Either way. Magic.
I waved at your train when it stopped in my town. (I always wave at the train, in case someone is looking)
I saw people waving at the train on the way up! But not on the way back. Waving at you in spirit, though!
Dog thread?
Arya hanging out:
my dog was a (very tolerant) sillybean this week:
🙂
Leela is less amused with having things placed on heads:
Also, your dog looks like Aunt Pitty-Pat and her weird ribbon house bonnets from “Gone With the Wind”!
oh my god, she DOES. I’m gonna have to call her Laika Pitty-Pat from now on.
Hound interrupted.
Corgi!! I love Corgis so hard, and miss having a dog. Except I have a weird (and deeply allergic) husband so no dogs for me until he kicks it.
A boxer, wearing a Jet.com hat:
Eve was not impressed that I made her go for a walk in the rain:
Copper, concerned:
Also also: this lil’ guy very determinedly followed Copper and me home from our morning walk this week, tracking us around fences and taking a shortcut to find us after we split off. I corralled him in our downstairs neighbour’s backyard, and the humane society came to pick him up! I have been checking their website and social media to see if there has been any news (and because he was lovely and friendly and adorable and signs point to him being a stray, – I want to get someone I know to adopt him), but nothing so far.
Aw, what a handsome fellow. I hope he finds a loving home soon.
Hello, fellow corg!
Happy Friday, Toasties!
I woke up to find my bank card had been hacked, but they can’t do anything yet because I caught it ‘too early.’
Work has been irritating in all those little ways that sound petty when you spell them out but are still really draining to manage.
I’m spending the weekend drinking all the wine in my house and snuggling my kittens, is what I’m saying.
WAIT Built to Spill is totally completely a jam band – how did I miss this? How do I love a jam band? Who am I? What is life about? Is this how people feel about Phish?
Process: I was listening to You in Reverse for the one millionth time and thought, “MAN I really love how this song just goes on and on and on ” and then was like WAIT A SECOND and googled “built to spill jam band.”
#startlingrealizations
I’ve never heard the term jam band before, and it’s making me very hungry
oh man I wonder if they’re in The Club (as my mom & dad refer to the bands that them & all their jam band friends go to see and that are played on the Jam On station of Sirius XM), that would be hilarious
HAHA I had this exact same realization at some point. Ah well, they’re still one of my favorite bands and I’ll see them any time they’re in town.
Meeee toooo – super bummed that their Chicago show is sold out. Decided to just lean into it.
Can I cheat and say “all flowers, depending on the season”? I really do love orchids, though – they’re so rewarding once they finally bloom! Two of my plants (out of seven) are sending up flower spikes right now and I’m ridiculously excited to see the flowers. One of them has never bloomed in the 6 years I’ve had it, so I’m all 😀 😀 😀
Bartender, I am not amazing at growing things out of dirt but I can keep cut flowers alive for a long time, if it helps.
Cut flower stems at an angle, like this: /
Remove all leaves that would fall at or near waterline.
Unless you have a delicate flower like a gardenia or a magnolia, fill vase with hot water.
Only fill vase enough to cover all the stem ends; too full and the stems just get slimy.
Some flowers like a little splash of Sprite in the vase. Sugar and carbonation, I guess? I particularly remember doing this for soft-stemmed flowers like daffodils.
Change water whenever murky and re-cut stems if slimy.
*Flower magic courtesy of my mom and may be based on witchcraft not science.
Hot water? Huh, I would never have thought of that.
Just got back from a vacation with mom– it was a good time, but overall it was quite stressful, partly because my mom is getting old 🙁
So I get back to work on Thursday and I’ve got a cold, but who in their right minds will believe I’m sick after vacation with two days until the weekend?
And why do I care who believes me? Apparently something happened while I was gone, and I suspect it has to do with the job inquisitor that I mentioned a few weeks back. Starting to think I ought to be tidying up my resume and peeking around job boards…
I also worry about things like this. I was sick as a dog when I was leaving my last job, serving out my 2 weeks’ notice. I wanted to leave gracefully so I went anyway, but man… I also realized I had 12 unused sick days when I left the old job.
I guess what I’m saying is, next time, call in sick.
It’s also always a good idea to polish up your resume.
How fucking hard is it, though, to actually say something when you want me to do something for you? Why do you insist on just handing me things (or throwing things at me) and looking blank? A one-word comment would do! It would not be great, but it would be better than flinging a dollar at my face and expecting me to know what to do with it!
This has been your customer service rant of the day.
i AM GOING TO SEE ACTUAL STRANDBEESTS TOMORROW
ahem. I feel like I’ve been entranced by these things for a decade, and to ahve them come here and be actually able to go and see them is feeling quite wonderful. And then after that a hotel and a ferry and the rest of the week on a small island. And seeing my brother, and favorite sister-in-law, and amazing nephew who scorns me in favor of my children and my daughter’s boyfriend.
I’m envious! They caught my imagination from the first time I heard about them.
A while ago I read an SF&F short story involving strandbeests, and now I can’t remember what it’s called!
THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME.
oh hai! If you were to see me unexpectedly, I am medium sized, gray at the temples with a long braid and glasses. also my tie dyed shirt will probably match some proportion of the family around me, including two girls who look exactly like me and a husband with a beard. Actually the most
astonishinguniquely recognizable one will be Red Kate who has hennas her hair and tends to Stand Out. If you shout LEE I will whip around and be delighted!!I think, based on schedule, I’m probably going to end up seeing them next weekend at the greenway based on scheduling, but if things change and i see you, I promise to shout “LEE”.
thank you! I think the parking is going to be appalling @Cranes, but I so desperately want to see them in their native habitat
Work question! I really enjoy editing other people’s writing, and have been told by people whom I trust that I’m very good at it. Lately I’ve been wondering whether this is something I could do on the side for money. Not as a career, but freelance editing papers, articles, etc. Has anybody here done this before? Is there a reasonable way to go about this, and reasonable amounts of money to be made off of it?
For rates and such, check out the editorial freelancer’s union: http://the-efa.org/res/rates.php
Here’s my question: If you really like editing, and you’re good at it, why not look around and see if you can make it a career? I used to think similarly to you, and I saw a job for an assistant editor for a small magazine. I applied, got a different editor job, and since then I’ve been incredibly happy. (Minus press week, but if you’re happy during press week you’re doing it wrong.) I’d say try freelancing, and if you still really enjoy it keep your eye out for other opportunities. Depending on where you live might influence job prospects, but there are editor jobs out there if you can learn quickly and can handle the stress. (It’s really not that bad, especially if you’re like me and your magazine only comes out five times a year.) I know my company almost always has assistant editor positions open.
Obviously I’m crazy biased–I love editing–but I know I also used to think that such a career path for myself wasn’t possible.
The only reason I’m not trying to make a living of it yet is that I’m pursuing another career which also makes me very happy and also has a fair amount of writing/editing, depending on the positions you go for. (I am also young and very willing to explore if it doesn’t work out, though!)
I just have no idea how one goes about this as individual, since I have no sense of how to hustle. Do I put up flyers? Do I offer to edit college essays? Etc, etc.
Where are you? I am an editor, if you’re in the UK I can point you at places.
Oh! I’d like to be pointed places, if possible. I’m about to move to the UK, and I’m also looking to make a career transition. Editing would fit with the training I’ve had, but also just far enough outside my current field that I think it would be a happy match. I’d certainly be interested in knowing what possibilities are out there.
Society of editors and proofreaders: http://www.sfep.org.uk
Society of authors with guidelines on rates: http://www.societyofauthors.org/rates-and-guideli…
Short course (I think it’s the one I did when I changed career) that will give you an idea of it: http://www.arts.ac.uk/lcc/courses/short-courses/b…
Most (all?) jobs will want you to do an editing test first, so knowing the proper symbols for stuff will be really helpful and create a good impression. At ours, we have two tests, one online and one on paper, and you get called back for interview if you do well enough on the tests, I think that’s pretty standard practice.
Thanks! It is so very encouraging to have a list of resources, especially that short course. I’m very worried about translating my experience so far into something that will be appealing on the UK job market, so it’s very nice to have a few options to consider. Really, thank you.
I’m in the US (northeast currently) but would be happy to hear about any and all opportunities!
Oh, Toasts. I no longer know what to do. I’ve been living abroad for several years, and I desperately want to move back to the US. I have no savings and all my US work experience is old, it would be a huge legal hassle for my partner, and grad school is an option but I’m terrified I couldn’t afford it. But all I can think about is how much I want to make my life and have my kids in my own country. 🙁
Any advice?
how far abroad, and what do you want to do grad school in?
My experience with grad school was that a combination of stipends, assistantships and tuition waivers made it relatively cheap, but I know that a) that was a while ago and b) it depends on what you are studying, and how self-supporting (and grad-student supporting) the department is in terms of grants.
I am surprised to find people wanting to move back, because the political and financial climate here feels like crap, and it feels like all of Europe and most of Australia and NZ are behaving better toward their middle class than we are.
Are you able to look at job listings where you want to land, and put out feelers about someone with your experience abroad looking for particular kinds of work? Or do the same for your husband?
Thanks for replying! I live in a “third world” country, so my desire is really to make it back to any developed place. Going back to where I’m from seems easier than moving to, say, Australia, which honestly would be a dream, since I left the US in the first place because I didn’t like many of our policies. I just feel stuck. I want to do grad school in either social work or nursing and specifically work with the community of the country I’m living in currently (of which there’s a huge diaspora, especially in US coastal cities). Since I’m bilingual I feel there will be a job market for me but… it somehow feels a bigger step to move back than it was to move here in the first place. Doesn’t feel great to hear that the overall climate feels like crap right now!
In the US there is a HUGE call for nursing, less for Social Work although we desperately need both. That may also be the case in Canada (although they are having Stephen Harper issues) and quite probably wherever your preferred community tends to settle.
Nursing school generally pays for itself pretty quick. Your language skills sound like a huge asset.
I could easily be biased about the overall climate – certainly my programming husband is doing fine, the arts (my work) is always undervalued, as is work with kids (I’m in the high school). The number of Republicans being screaming flaming idiots in public, and attempting to outdo each other on that topic is horrifying.
what about the move back feels big? I would think the practice you’ve had living small and relatively cheaply could help you face being less-than-wealthy in the US, knowing what you would no longer have to put up with in terms of physical and mental stresses.
I dunno – I hope it works out for you, one way or another.
This was helpful. Thanks! Yes, it would be hard to be in the arts in this neoliberal world! 🙂
In a few months I’ll be returning to Minneapolis after 10 years and would love to worm myself into any existing Toast communities (or get a new or dormant one going)! Any of y’all in the Twin Cities?
Yes, hey, we have a facebook group! It’s not super active, but we’ve gotten together a few times.
Excellent! Thank you
I have an upper respiratory infection right now and I’m so happy about it. I got put on antibiotics (Amoxicicilin) for 10 days. If it’s anything like the last time, I should be 100% for Dragon Con and I’ll have a whole immune system in high gear to fight off any con crud.
Fallen London thread! Are you enjoying the Fruits of the Zee Festival on totally-festive-and-charming-and-not-at-all-creepy-everything-is-normal-here-that’s-just-a-regular-quaint-well Mutton Island? I came home with a Preemptive Guinea Pig and a fancy snuff box!
The Festival marks my one-year anniversary in Fallen London, so I am feeling quite nostalgic. I got all the stuffs last year except the guinea pig, so I suppose I’ll have to haul it out there soon and remedy that!
I think it’s exciting that they are making so many changes and new additions to the game, because I was starting to feel like it was getting a bit grindy and repetitive. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s next.
I’ve just had time for one quick fishing trip but am eyeing up that Guinea pig so hard. How long does the festival go on?
yes! I’ve been going fishing quite a bit. Regular Fallen London had started to feel repetitive, so this is a nice change for now. (Different things keep happening with my fish each time, and the Curate and Chef kind of replenish your stock of maps and zee-stories).
Pig thread without much in the way of pictures.
Earlier this week though an adventure was had by all. The electric fence finally proved to be no barrier after going on the fritz on Tuesday. So the pigs wandered out. And up the hill. And did they take the opportunity to run to a new life of freedom and fun? No. They hung out around the house chilling with the chickens and rooting up portions of the lawn and getting super excited to be up there. Think a porcine version of ‘I Wanna Be Where the People Are’. However, because the family members at the farmhouse have no sense of what I need for open thread, no pictures were captured of this magical moment. Or of the stressful moment of getting them back to their shed. Thank god they’re still able to be carried.
because the family members at the farmhouse have no sense of what I need for open thread, no pictures were captured of this magical moment
Do you muck their pen every day? The concrete is so clean. Or do they have a dirt area too?
They have a very large shed that they sleep in (I think it used to be someone’s man cave.), a concrete pad in front of it for sunning and eating, and then their free land. The part closest to the shed has been thoroughly rooted up, but they keep the lower end as their designated area for relieving themselves and just let it be.
They are really very spoiled pigs. With a great mountain view.
Ah, got it. That makes sense. They do look spoiled! Good pigs.
I mean, honestly, they have a nicer view than me.
oh! That is gorgeous!
My friend who has the pigs and goats I post pics of has just got some new piglets! I will have to go and visit her soon and see them.
Favorite flower: ranunculus. Runner-up: tulips.
One day in the dead of winter several years ago, The Fella turned to me, apropos of nothing, and said “Ranunculus*?”
“What?”
“It’s your favorite flower, right? Just making sure I remember.”
And I fell in love with him all over again.
*It means little frog.
I had to Google image this, but those images combined with the adorable name might make them my new fave.
<3
Can anyone recommend nice sheets? All of my sheets are from Marshall’s/TJ Maxx/similar, and they’re not bad, but they’re nothing special and 8+ years old, and I want new sheets that are a little nicer.
If you have a Tuesday Morning in your area, GO THERE. They might not have the most dazzling array of styles, but I bought a $300 sheet set for $39 last week) They are bamboo rayon and they feel like water on my body. Seriously, they are so amazing I can’t even tell you. I don’t know if yours will have similar ones (mine were in the clearance section), but they still have great deals on super high thread count sheets. I saw some once that were 1,200 count and I don’t even understand how that is possible.
So like that high of a thread count is kind of a scam, I think! They cheat by calling the short staple fibers which have to be twined together to make thread “threads.” It’s better to look for long staple cotton with a lower thread count. Also this is seriously the locus of my most bougie bougieness but it’s all because I wanted sheets that just stayed smooth when I wash them.
I’m glad someone else looks askance at those super high thread counts. I think the highest I own is 600 and that’s because they were just so damn beautiful with a paisley design actually woven, not printed. Amazing. But yeah, soft sheets are wonderful and you might wanna check out bamboo rayon sheets, too, because oh my god they are the smoothest of smooth.
Groupon/similar “deal” websites usually have deals on nice sheets! That’s where I get all mine. Not INCREDIBLY fancy, unless you’re on Gilt or something I guess, but I really like everything I currently have.
I am both picky and cheap, and I like cotton percale & cotton-linen blends, because they don’t pill. (Sheets that pill cause sleep disrupting annoyance for me and I wish that were a joke! Why am I such a princess-with-a-pea.) They both can be a bit crunchy right out the gate, but soften up very nicely as time goes by. Percale is more affordable, and cotton-linen blends require some hardcore comparison shopping to find a decent deal, but both generally stand up very well over time. They both also tend to wrinkle very easily so if you care about smooth pillow cases, this is not for you. Also, my spouse instituted a “no more sheet talk” rule in our house.
I quite like my IKEA sheets. They have several different prices/smoothnesses, and they have pillowcases from each kind out side by side with labels so you can feel the difference. I have the second cheapest ones, which have a threadcount of 300-ish and are smooth enough for me, but they also have some that are 400 thread count and some that are a different weave (sateen?) with a pretty high threadcount, and both of those feel ridiculously smooth.
I did have to replace them recently because my old ones tore after about eight years where I used them constantly because they were the only sheets I owned for my bed.
Also they were a lot cheaper than equally nice sheets at Sears or The Bay.
My favourite flowers are tiger lillies and black-eyed susans, and coincidentally I just got a tattoo of the latter this week! The Prisoner Correspondance Project was having a flash sale as a fundraiser, and when I saw it in the book I knew it had to be!
That’s beautiful!
Thank you, I’m very pleased with it! It was done by Jessi Preston at Two Horses Tattoo
that is a lovely tattoo!
Inspired by a comment above: Anyone have ideas on good computer games for a 6-year old girl? Or where to find recommendations? Doesn’t necessarily need to be educational. I have no idea where to start!
Literally everyone in the world loves playing Lego Star Wars, and it is very satisfying to go around as Princess Leia, blowing everything up.
OK this is a good one bc I think I could personally get some mileage outta that one too – thank you!
If you don’t know about video game ratings, you might want to read about them, because they might help you judge which games are appropriate. There’s a ratings guide here. The ratings are for content, not difficulty, so I guess it only tells you part of what you might want to know, but it’s a start.
Here’s Amazon’s listing of PC games that are rated “E” for everyone. Some of them are probably suitable.
I think most of the kids I know mostly play games on tablets. Plus maybe Minecraft, but six might be a little young for Minecraft. There are lots of Nintendo games that are appropriate for younger kids, but of course they require a Nintendo console. So I don’t have any specific recommendations for PC based on my own games knowledge.
Wow thats incredibly helpful, thank you. Minecraft is big with a few of my younger cousins… think is odd/hilarious its gotten so popular.
Animal Crossings!!
Just got it – thanks for the rec!
My 6-year-old loved Lego Marvel and Animal Crossing. Her current favorite game is GTAV, which I let her play on mute. She enjoys slowly and carefully driving around the city, following as many traffic laws as possible.
She also liked Super Mario on the 3DS.
Excellent, looking into these now. The mental image of your daughter staying between the lines/ coming to a complete stop/ etc cracks me up.Thank you!
If you have a WiiU, definitely check out Lego City Undercover. It really is Lego GTA in a lot of ways.
Have you ever played the Pajama Sam games? i remember really enjoying those as a child. They’re puzzle games for PC, where you use logic to solve mini-games, which unlock items for the final giant puzzle. There’s also a game about a fish who’s a detective made by the same people but I can’t remember his name….
My niece loves this thing called ScratchJr which is basically coding turned into a game for kids. I think it is free online?
There’s a new re-issue of Zoombinis, running on tablets. That was huge at our house for a while.
SteelyKid (just turned 7) likes many of the options on pbskids.org , and Minecraft.
I had my Very First Pelvic Exam/Pap smear yesterday morning, at the ripe ol’ age of 24. It was….. nothing. I was expecting pain! And now I get a prescription for birth control pills, which is exciting in a terrifying way. I can’t wait for my hormones to morph me into an emotional MONSTER
an emotional MISANDRIST monster!
Yay for not-unpleasant medical experiences!
we at the Society for the Advancement of Monsters would be happy to review your application for placement 🙂
have you given any consideration to exactly what sort of monster you would like to be? plate smashing? fire starting? flesh rending???
no, no. no need to decide just yet. please step into my office and we can discuss the details. right this way, miss.
That is some A+ adulting right there.
I had my first smear test a few months ago and was also pleasantly surprised by how nothing-y it was; I barely felt the speculum go in. (Which made me feel a bit self-conscious about lack of tightness, etc., but no pain is a good thing.)
Y’all, I have been finding that I am woefully undereducated in history. I would like to read books to work on changing this! Can you make me some recommendations? My interests include:
-Not entirely about Europe/White people
-Somewhat broader-scale is helpful, because I’m so poorly oriented that a focused topic is hard for me to contextualize
-Not entirely about wars and the conflicts of menz
-Tells me a story
If you have a favorite nonfiction book that meets any of those criteria, I’d love to hear about it.
Hmmm, most of the history books that I’ve really enjoyed have been on a single topic, like Banana: the Fate of the Fruit that Changed the World and Windrush: the Irresistible Rise of Multiracial Britain, so maybe if you found a period that you were interested in and then found a book that covered a thing from that time/place it would help. Actually, biographies are great for this approach, because they generally cover just a brief window of events: The Making Of Mr Hai’s Daughter helped be get a grip on a tiny slice of England in the 90s, which had been a pretty big blank spot for me before.
For women’s history, the National Women’s History Museum has a great collection of really short biographies of interesting and historically significant figures: https://www.nwhm.org/education-resources/biograph…
Bill Bryson’s book At Home is really great for context history, and is also just a fascinating read. Bryson bases it around his home in Norfolk, England, and uses each room to talk about a different aspect of domestic life, and how houses got to be the way they are. It definitely is Euro-centric, but it still looks at global history pretty carefully, and his focus on domestic life and the forces that shape it mean that he’s also writing a lot about women, and not much about war.
I’m reading that right now! And really enjoying it!
I’m really glad! I read it about once a year, and am always fascinated by some new aspect of it.
The Warmth of Other Suns! It almost feels like too obvious of a reply to leave here 🙂
I am a history major so in theory I should be able to help, but most of my books are about about wars and the conflicts of menz. Curse my concentration in military history. (Except not cause I love it.)
Not books, but I’ve just finished binge-listening to the Stuff You Missed in HIstory Class podcast. There’s a LOT of Eurpoe/White people, but not all. Maybe listening to those could give you ideas about what you want to read more about, or a foot into the history door.
To find the topics that you want to take a deep dive in and also get a broader picture, you might try some sort of trivia-ish compendium. My parents had The People’s Almanac, so I was the most culturally literate 14-year-old in the room as long as the topics were pre-1975.
You might try:
The Dictionary of Cultural Literacy
An Incomplete Education
An Underground Education
Salt: A World History
Granted, many such books are written by snarky, pedantic white dudes, but they are great for giving you a taste of a lot of different history so you can find the thing that floats your particular boat.
I read The Secret History of the Mongol Queens recently and I liked it a lot, it was a new subject for me so I liked that. I also enjoyed Jung Chang’s Empress Dowager Cixi, which was a bit of a hagiography but I gather it was needed.
A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zin is an enormous undertaking and also much wider in scope than just the US. It starts with the suffering of the Taino people at the hands of Columbus and continues on in the vein of talking about history from the point of view of the marginalized and ignored. It really does a good job of debunking “common knowledge” propaganda that supports a false history of Great White Men and their Great Deeds And Democratic Ideals. I am only about 1/3 of the way through this massive tome but I’m learning a lot.
A few options that I liked:
Consider the Fork by Bee Wilson
A History of the World in 6 Glasses by Tom Standage
How to be a Victorian by Ruth Goodman (very UK focused, but also very female focused, and so good)
When Asia was the World by Stewart Gordon
If you like history/major disaster books (I’m kind of morbid that way) a couple good ones are:
Curse of the Narrows by Laura MacDonald
The White Cascade by Gary Krist
You might like Charles C. Mann’s 1491, about the Americas before Columbus and how new archaeological research is showing that the Americas were both more thickly and more widely settled than Europeans/white Americans have been claiming for centuries. 1493, about the exchange of goods, diseases, and ideas after discovery, is also good although it wasn’t as personally interesting to me.
I just read Persepolis, which is Marjane Satrapi graphic novel autobiography about growing up in Iran during the Islamic revolution and Iran-Iraq war. It doesn’t go into too much depth on the history, but it’s easy reading and enjoyable (despite covering some terrible events) and gives a good overview of Iran in the early-mid 80s.
“O, Jerusalem”, which is an historical account of Israel’s War of Independence in 1948 and the events leading up to it. The authors interviewed every single person in the book, or their nearest of kin/closest person if the person in question had passed away. It’s extraordinarily well-written, and fair about a region and history that is frequently soaked in hostility.
Last week I posted about going in for a job interview, and this week I got it! And I start on Monday! I am excited and nervous! It’s going to be a major lifestyle change because this new job is part-time, and then I’m going to freelance for the rest of the time (including with my current company). Ah!!!!!!!!
Toasties, I am worried about my kitty. He’s 15 years old and has been mostly healthy up to his point. But now his abdomen has swelled up and he barely eats and hasn’t pooped in five-ish days. We took him to the vet yesterday and they took some samples and are going to run some tests on the fluid in his abdomen. The results should be in today (on a side note, holy shit vets are efficient, it takes human doctors five weeks to get results for this kind of stuff) and I fear the worst. I know he’s old, and my parents and I have discussed the possibility of having to put him to sleep, but I am just so attached to this cat I don’t want to let him go. I’ve had him since I was six. I just have the sads right now and I feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping for a couple days or maybe crying for a few hours idk.
On a more humorous note, my cat had the energy to become a GIANT RAGING BALL OF DEMONIC POWER yesterday at the vet (He did this in previous vet visits, so its not exactly out of character). He’s normally so sweet (maybe a little grumpy now and then) but he was hissing and growling, even at my mom. I’m sure the vet thought we were that family that always insists that their spoiled brat kid/pet is perfect and could do no wrong but I swear this cat is a sweet little gingerbread loaf most of the time. The vet had to throw a towel over him in order to even pick him up and then he also had to put a little gas mask on him to get the tests done (I am sad I did not see said tiny gas mask because it is probably adorable). The cat is still pouting a bit today about his ordeal (at least he still has the energy to do that!)
Tell me your funny vet stories (cat, dog, or misc animal) to help me get rid of the sads!
*hugs* My 16 year old is shutting down right now, so I know those feels. She’s on fluids, meds, has a bacterial infection that just won’t go away… But she’s still loving life! She woke me up with purrs and meows this morning, and totally batted the 7-year old striving-to-be-alpha-male out of her way on her way out of the bedroom, because she was hungry.
Thank you for the hugs! Also Misandry Cat is best cat.
Not a funny story per se, but a cute image? I have two sister cats from the same litter. Sometimes they get on each other’s nerves, but when they go to the vet, they ride in the same carrier and snuggle each other. Sometimes the protective sister wraps her forelegs around the scaredycat sister. When they are on the examination table, whichever one is closest to me will hide her face on my hip and the other will bury her face in her sister’s fur. I feel really bad that they are so scared, but it’s so cute that the techs and I can’t stand it.
The scaredycat sister has gotten the towel treatment when she’s gone to the vet alone, because without her littermate’s protective hug she goes buckwild and charges at the vet.
THAT IS FAR TOO ADORABLE TO BE LEGAL OMG
These stories are mostly vet-adjacent, but I hope they help. When I adopted my cats at the age of four, the white cat freaked and ran under the cages at the ASPCA center. They had to move them away from the wall to reach him. The black cat was super chill. Once they got home, though, the white cat was the most affectionate little fluffball, and the black cat let no one touch her for literally twelve or thirteen years. She warmed up to us eventually, though, and lived to the age of twenty one without us ever being able to get her into a vet’s office.
We also had a dog that my mom chose specifically because he was super chill at the SPCA adoption event thing, but wound up being SUPER EXCITABLE in the way that dogs tend to be. He actually loved vet visits, because when we went on vacation, he would stay at their boarding center, and all of the techs at the boarding center also worked in the vet’s office. They used to give him summer haircuts (he was part pomeranian, but big) and tie little bandannas loosely around his neck, so he looked like the most charming dog alive when we picked him up.
21 is so old for a cat! One of my friend’s cats got to age 19, another made it to 17. When you consider that average lifespan of a cat is around seven years, even 15 years looks pretty respectable.
D’awwww, happy summer dog!
7 years? Wow – I currently have two that are 17, and previous cats lived to 15 and 19. 7 is so young!
My kitty has some sort of auto-immune domino effect that gave her pancreatitis, diabetes, and irritable bowel all at once. She is normally the most obsessively loving animal — like she RUNS to greet strangers at the door and wants in their laps immediately. But I guess she was not too happy at the vet because her chart has this big WARNING UNFRIENDLY on it!! She has to be put in the kitty straightjacket to get tests! I guess I never saw her mean streets side from the past!
Its funny, because when my mom called to make an appointment at this vet’s office, they had no record of our cat ever coming in, even though he went every year for the first decade of his life. We did stop taking him in a couple years ago because it traumatized him so much, but apparently the office doesn’t throw away records unless the animal dies. I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding, but we joked it was because our cat is so terrible at the vet, they threw away his records hoping he would never come back. I’m sure his records were (and his new ones are) marked with “DEMON CAT FROM HELL”.
I hope your kitty feels better soon. Here’s hoping one of my dogs can make you chuckle.
My little female dog is cooperative at the vet’s office. A retired show dog, she is trained to tolerate all kinds of manhandling. Even if I hold her upside down she just sighs and puts up with it. The vet can examine her teeth with no fear of bites. But Little Girl Dog draws the line at anything rectal.
You should see it; it’s so comical. Get anywhere near her back end with any kind of instrument and she slams her butt down. She keeps her butt down for the rest of the exam, offering her little foreleg politely for a blood draw, but ass down. She will maintain a sitting posture while dragging herself across the exam table to ask for cuddle from a newly arrived vet tech. I try to remind the staff to save the rectal stuff for last. I do remember always to have them pick her up and hold her for rectal probes. Poor little cuddle girl.
I got the giggles thinking of your dog scooting around on the table trying to cuddle people but avoiding butt instruments. Thank you! <3
Sending you good wishes.
My cat is a nervous purr-er. So when she’s in a vet office, in order to listen to her heart, I have to hold her face near a running water tap so she’ll be distracted enough to stop purring. I feel a little bad (because I know she’s nervous) but it’s really, really cute.
I didn’t know cats could be nervous purr-ers! Thats so cute!
I’m sorry to hear about your cat. My cat once was very sick and my mom told me not give up hope in miracles- that they don’t always happen, but it’s never a bad thing to have hope. So I hope a miracle for your guy, because they happen.
Also canned pumpkin is a thing they recommend for digestive issues in cats with kidney issues. My mom also used to give the cats olive oil for hairballs but the internet is suggesting there’s some compounds the liver can’t handle because it’s plant based, so maybe a drop or two of fish oil? Again, these are run by your vet ideas, but if they’re like, “eh, can’t hurt…”
my cat is a punk and she likes to slam kitchen doors when I don’t get up…I find that pretty funny.
We definitely haven’t given up hope on the cat! He’s actually sitting at the door right now, waiting for my mom to come home and give him tuna like usual (even though he hasn’t wanted to eat in a while).
We also tried pumpkin, but this cat is so damn picky he will not eat anything outside of his one brand of cat food and one specific brand of tuna. He will eat whatever shit he finds laying on the floor though, plus some plastic plant leaves, and who know what else. That’s probably how he got into this situation…
This spring we had a bit of a scare when our male cat started peeing literally every 7-10 minutes, so we called the poor vet out on the emergency line first thing Easter morning. He was very nice about it, though, and confirmed it was the right thing to do. The cat ended up fine, but the vet gave him some muscle relaxants and for about four hours we had a massively stoned cat wandering around our house. First thing he did was eat two cans of cat food when he normally eats maybe one a day, then he wandered around tripping over his own feet, trying to jump up on chairs and having his legs go all wobbly, and trying to bat around his toys but missing them completely or toppling over. We had to follow him around the house to catch him when he’d try and walk along a window sill or something. And because the vet had given him Valium, he seemed perfectly unconcerned that his legs weren’t working right, I’m not even sure he entirely noticed.
Stoned cats are literally the best things ever! We used to give the cat a bunch of catnip toys when he was younger. He would end up laying on his back with his paws in the air and a super-stoner expression on his face, or licking his toys a whole bunch while hugging them.
Well.
Work is horrible. The office manager talks to people 3 ft away from me and asks them what “she meant” (she, being me, being right behind her, like I’m invisible or something). I need out. I need money, because raising kids with over 1/2 of my income going to rent isn’t working.
I randomly applied for a USGS job in colorado. First interview with the parks dept. went well but haven’t had callback yet. Toledo job a definite no.
Swing dance guy is still maybe interested? Guy who tried to get me interested in him when I was 42 and he was 29 is marrying a long-term frenemy of mine, not sure how I feel about that. (I do think, though, that when I start dating again, as flattering as it would be to date a younger guy, I want one that’s pre-disastered).
12 yr old girl is quitting cross country. I told her starting out that she could, she actually was getting into it a lot, but this girl who rocks at karate was coming home crying with knee pain. Osgood-Schlatters, gee, just like mom had, plus bonus of mom’s hypermobile dislocatable kneecaps, yay. I want to support her whatever she decides but we are both of the opinion that if karate doesn’t hurt ever, and running does, and the running pain could become worse and worse, running is something that she doesn’t need to continue. I’m sad she won’t get to race next week, though.
I have been dealing with the stress by doing a lot of karate. My leg will be very purple tomorrow but at least it stopped hurting (knee collision during sparring–just a bad bruise). I am also wringing the last I can out of my heated pool for the next three weeks and using it every morning as a type of meditation after the kids get on the bus at 6:30 am. I started the couch 2 5 k thing but don’t know what will happen with it yet.
High school boy is doing better, as far as I can tell. He has been calm and working on his sleep schedule and getting some exercise everyday and is adapting well to the structure of the school year. He’s my virgo and when things are predictable they make him much happier. I will be seeing more of the girlfriend as her mom has asked me to help out with a place-to-come-after school house (she is low-income and drives over 45 minutes to get here every day, sometimes mom can’t pick her up right away). I figure it will be fine because I’m usually home due to my part-time hours.
College boy is in college. So far so good.
Coyote smell is mostly gone, but the whole neighborhood smells like them, so it must be fall.
I am also borrowing a chicken for a week to live in my garage, it’s my “let them eat all the wolf spiders” plan. This weekend I get to empty all the stuff that I don’t want pooped on out of the garage.
My favorite flower choices feel… boring I guess? I don’t know. But whatever here we go:
Snapdragon
Sunflower
Hibiscus
Asiatic Lily
and a recently discovered favorite, Dahlia
Also, toasts, I must tell you that I cannot even believe how amazing tomato season is and I wish everyone the level of joy I get out of a BLT made with a tomato plucked freshly out of my own garden. Oh man. I think I’ve posted about this in several recent Open Threads, but the tomato today was easily 4 inches in diameter and meaty as all hell, and I just loved it.
I had BLTs with tomatoes from my garden last night and it was SOOOO GOOOOD.
heh this is so late! hopefully people see this!
I live in Chicago and I don’t own a car — I mostly get around via bike or train. I’ve been kind of thinking about getting a scooter — if you get around via scooter/motorcycle, is it worth it?
My concern is that a scooter isn’t legal to take on the freeway and it’s still exposed to the elements — I’d be able to get further in the city, but I still wouldn’t be able to, for example, take off for Wisconsin or anything like that. Plus, I’d be even colder than I get on a bike in the winter (unpleasant, but doable, so long as it stays above 10* F or so).
I have no interest in a car, to be honest, and I don’t think I want a motorcycle either — is it worth even thinking about, do you think?
Do you drive? Is Zipcar an option? We take a car out to Mitsuwa every now and then, and it’s not *impossible* to take for a whole weekend (although it’s more expensive than a rental car, definitely.)
Edit: I wasn’t sure if no interest in a car meant “no interest in owning a car” or “no interest in using a car/anything to do with them.” If it’s the latter, disregard!
i am sad that i have a car. I would recommend zipcar or renting if you need to get around. My brother has a motorcycle and he uses it in conjunction with transit. I think they are cool but am too afraid of dying. Although, if you are appropriately decked out it’s probably fine.
My husband is skimming the thread and just asked me to tell you that they make scooters with roofs! The town we used to live in was very dedicated to alternate forms of personal transit (not public transit, but all kinds of fancy bikes and whatnot) and I saw several folks with them. I feel like maybe it was this Peugeot model? http://coveredscooter.com/peugeot But you could google around for covered scooters or whatever. Or maybe there are after-market roofs?
An update to my life disaster from yesterday: I was sent an email from the payroll dept. saying that I need to give them $7500 now or “meet to discuss a payment plan”; I called the local labour office and they said that it is illegal for the employer to not pay me for a month to “mitigate any further overpayment” as the letter said, and the lady on the phone sounded really indignant and said that I should file a complaint, the first step of which is to send a letter to my work asking to be paid. I don’t see how I can possibly do that, as a) nobody seems to have in writing, anywhere, the amount that I was supposed to be paid so b) I have no idea what I’m supposed to be paid and therefore what to ask for. There are numbers in the spreadsheet sent by the payroll dept, but they have been consistently spelling my name wrong and calling me “Ms” instead of Dr. so I’m not like super confident that they know what they’re doing.
On top of that, I ended up crying yesterday (in private! In a room by myself! Not all over people in an annoying way) and Mr. Floridagal somehow found out and called a friend who is ON VACATION and told them that I was “very upset” and needed help. I’m really angry that he did that because he shouldn’t be bothering people who are on vacation (I immediately sent them a facebook message saying that it was just minor work drama and that i’m fine and apologising for him bothering them) but I feel really betrayed. What’s next, him calling a mental hospital and saying that I’m crazy? He’s a dude, they would probably believe him. Great, so what I’ve learned here is that I can’t let him see me cry, ever, even if my life is a complete disaster. It’s too much, I just can’t deal with all of this. Now I have a minor sinus infection too, because of course.
I have a meeting in an hour with the same people I met with yesterday; I don’t expect that it will go well. I don’t know what to do. Everything I say is making this worse.
I’m sorry. None of this is your fault. If things get worse, it’s not because of what you say. You are advocating for yourself. How could you not? If the result is anything but improvement, that is not your fault. It is the fault of the fuckwads you work for. You are maintaining appropriate boundaries. You are asking for no more than you are entitled to BY LAW. Stand firm, floridagal.
Yall are the best!
So much sympathy regarding the whole situation, but especially with Mr. Floridagal’s dumbass reaction. I have had to tell my husband “bro, I can have feelings, even when they make you uncomfortable.” It is a continuing battle, but they can learn. Have you asked him “hey, why did you call my friend?”? That might yield interesting information. He might say that he thought it would help, but in my experience (ymmv) that’s a response worth pushing back on with things like “that’s a nice thought, but I’m an adult and totally capable of calling on support when and if I need it. In the future, it would feel a lot more respectful to me if you checked with me to see if I needed or wanted that.” It might be that the lower quadrants of his man brain went into full tilt panic at Lady Crying Emotions and that just being called on how stupid and bogus that is makes him not do it again.
I’m glad you called the labour office. Do they have someone who can attend meetings with you? I can’t believe they haven’t given you a request in writing yet (well I mean I can — they clearly don’t have their shit together) but if I were you I would not agree to anything and definitely not DO anything without getting everything in writing.
And mega eye rolls to Mr. Floridagal. Hmph. Men.
Hello! I looked through your history on this issue. I am, in fact, a lawyer in BC, and would happily talk to you about this pro-bono, with the caveat that this is not really my area, although it’s pretty close and I have pals in the office who do this work.
Do you have an email where I can reach you?
What a generous offer! I hope it works out.
Dear The Toast in general:
Yall are the most lovely and supportive and wise folks on the internet. THANK YOU for your kind words and advice!
coming in late, but he might have called a friend because guys like to fix things. And he probably looked at you crying and thought “OMG I can’t fix this? What do women do? Oh, right, call a friend, I’ll do that right away! Then I’ll have fixed something, I’ll have been able to do something”. It might be that.
I think you’re probably right 🙂 I took yalls excellent advice and explained to him why I found it really frustrating that he did that, and he said he wouldn’t do that in the future.
Any Toasties who’ve been pregnant ever fail a glucose challenge test? I just got word that my numbers were “kinda high” on my one hour test so now I have to do the 3 hour test.
Did you do the straight “orange goop” test or an alternative? You can officially do two other things for a real test. My midwife told me to advocate for a real test with real food, since we don’t normally guzzle straight glucose in a normal day. There is a 24 jellybean alternative? and a special alternative “pancakes syrup and orange juice” meal. The trick with that meal is that you have to have a willing lab that will draw your blood exactly 2 hours after you eat it (I think, it’s been 12 years since the last time I did this). So insist that they let you try again and use real food, for starters. You don’t “have to” do anything on their schedule. Tell them that you want to do the meal test, and if you fail that, too, you’ll do the 3 hour. Start learning how to boss those doctors around now, this is practice for advocating for your kid later. But you can do or not do any test on YOUR schedule, its not like it’s an emergency if you have another week of carbs.
I’m defending my Master’s Thesis on Monday! Only two years since I finished the coursework…heh. And of course I don’t have the presentation done, and I want to re-read all of the papers I cited, and I need to do final edits on my paper. Ooof.
But the BEST NEWS is that this means I get to go to the Twin Cities for a long weekend and reunite with grad school friends and go back to my favorite bars and run around the lakes and, and, and….I might never come home. I love Minnesota.
Any tips for last-minute thesis defense cramming? Any spells I can cast on my committee members to pass me with no revisions and minimal questions? Any things that I have to do while I’m in MSP?
Study up on snake fighting and hope that you get the small snake: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/faq-the-snake-…
Then listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S5UpGx6470
But seriously — you’re the expert on this one. Re-read the thesis, prepare some opening remarks that summarize what you think your key contributions are (and maybe acknowledge any limitations you know of so that the committee knows you’re aware of them). Don’t worry about re-reading sources IMO — your committee (hopefully, unless they’re jerks) won’t quiz you on your knowledge, but are potentially likely to ask you how you’re using particular theories/sources. And good luck!
Can anyone console me about having children? I have always wanted to have kids, but in the last few years I have developed a lot of anxiety about it. I think this is probably something to work through with a counselor, but maybe some kind folks here can advise…
1) Quite worried about the physical symptoms of pregnancy and childbirth. I have always had a terror of throwing up, and dealing with frequent nausea/morning sickness sounds dreadful. I know it varies for everybody, etc. Then I hear about the BONE-CRUSHING EXHAUSTION and I just cringe. I am finishing up a difficult degree in an engineering field, and starting a nice new job soon, and I keep telling myself that pregnancy canNOT be worse than taking a full load of engineering courses and working 2-3 part-time jobs as I have done the last couple years. Is it?
And perineal tearing, anyone? Is it preventable? I dealt with a lot of pain during intercourse in the initial days of my first sexual relationship, and while that has been mostly resolved I think I am anxious about that recurring after childbirth.
2) Everyone says that having young children is terrible for your relationship with your partner, and you are sleep-deprived, and you don’t want to have sex. And to make matters worse, while I like children in a general way, I am quite worried about living with them until they are of an age to communicate! Can I just be delivered a nice four-year-old? Very reasonable, right?
3) Growing up I did not know any mothers who worked while their children were young. I was quite sheltered; in the homeschool movement, day-care is practically a sin. My mother seemingly felt no other purpose in life besides raising me and homeschooling me. I am worried that I will sink under a sea of diapers, bottles, and sleep deprivation; I want to remain at my job, and keep outside interests, and basically just continue being “me”. I am sure that is possible; it is just worrying to have not really seen that happen to folks I know.
All that said, I would like to have kids (preferably in 2-5 years), and take comfort from the fact that most people seem to survive it! And I recently learned a close friend of mine is pregnant, who is the first of my close friends to become so, and I was surprisingly thrilled (since this has been a bit of a worried time for me as my partner and I discuss potential future kids). So perhaps watching her experience will be helpful? I think my main issue is that I see parenting as some super-human feat which is likely to either kill me or reduce me to a sad, sleepy robot. And it may be helpful to see my definitely-human friend experience it.
Thoughts, anyone? 🙂
I cannot console you – I have always assumed I wanted children, and now, at 31, I’m all of sudden TERRIFIED.
Yes, everyone says “Just wait and see! You’ll know when the time is right!” but I suspect deep down that, if I wait very long, I will just get more and more anxious about the idea. Although I am sure the waiting works for some folks.
Ironically, last year I had a pregnancy scare. And I was freaked out (I was in school, very fond of my partner but we had only been together a few months, not a fan of abortion for me personally). But strangely, I was actually more stressed about what my conservative parents’ reaction might be than I was about the idea of raising a child. The latter seemed do-able if difficult; the former seemed an unbearable shame and would doubtless have been a series of mutually-awkward sermons and doleful gazes pinned upon my sinning self. So maybe that is consoling? That I might be less freaked out if I were actually in the situation?
In any case, thank you for the reply and very best wishes to you! 🙂 I will say, I did find this article comforting: http://bethanybassett.com/a-new-original/ Not sure if the losing-self-in-mothering idea has been something that bothers you, but I appreciated the author’s frank description of it and her experience that it was NOT the case.
An update from my past self – this is long and personal and only one of many roads to OZ and etc. I was unsure about kids until my dearest friend had the BEST BABY. She (the baby) saw me, looked for me, gurgled at me and clearly thought I was the bee’s knees, and I feel hard in love with her. I swore for a while I didn’t need kids unless I could have that one. I think many people have a Danger Baby? the one where you look at it and think – oh, i could do that! Eventually I realized my dearest friend, and the other friends who had had children, had not changed dramatically, were still themselves, just… parents now as well.
My girls are 17 and 21 this year, a pair of rising seniors, one at college locally and one in the local high school. I hear you, I was a deeply DEEPLY dubious parent. At this point I will cheerfully say my kids are the most amazing thing I have ever done. There were hours that felt like they lasted for DECADES I tell you, but the years themselves fly past.
When I was vastly pregnant with the first one, conceived in a sudden fit of courage while facing the future, I was meeting my pediatrician, and she answered basic questions about vaccinations and well baby check-ups and etc, and when she asked if I had any other questions I broke down weeping, saying “what if I don’t WANT to be a mother??” to her credit, she rolled her eyes and said most people didn’t feel that way once the baby was hatched, and shuffled me out presumable so she could double over with laughter and share with her co-workers.
I coped with the strange body stuff by being an interested observer. I wrote EVERYTHING down, in part because I’d ask my mother “did this happen to you?” and she’d swear she couldn’t remember. It is a really peculiar way to keep the species going and the more of it I could laugh at, the easier it got. I had minimal nausea, except I felt sea-sick for two months. The punch line to that was when we actually went sailing, I felt fine and my crew was sea-sick, so.
If you want kids, you’ll find a time and space to have them. If it looks like too much, you’ll figure out ways to stay connected to friends’ and relations’ children and be the best of aunts.
It doesn’t actually help to say not to worry does it? But at least don’t pre-worry, that is really not going to win you anything.
That is all really encouraging 🙂 Thank you very much for sharing that! I appreciate it, particularly how you mentioned you saw other friends being themselves but also parents. What an unfortunate reaction on the part of the pediatrician though! I would have thought she would have seen enough other worried mothers-to-be to have had a more empathetic response :/
Thanks again!
I am definitely feeling some of these feels, except probably a few years ahead of you on the time frame (we are in the “in the next 1-2 months start trying” timeframe at this point). The body thing is a BIG one for me right now, as my body is currently in a state that I am enjoying very much, and I am not looking forward to losing it. My favorite exercise/ hobby is judo, which will definitely be curtailed, as falling down on purpose is not really considered appropriate pregnancy exercise. Plus I’m very attached to my balance (see judo, above) and I’m not looking forward to losing it AT ALL. My current solutions:
1) I have been reading Pregnancy for Dummies, because I’ve found that the Dummies books have a delightfully pragmatic and not overly detailed way of teaching you about things (their wedding budgeting advice was something like “list numbers until you hit one that makes you nauseous, make your budget less than that” but better wording than that), and it has been largely reassuring- like, these are things that happen, and they’re not great, but they stop eventually and probably you’ll be fine, so don’t worry. It’s very hetero-normative and has the occasional needlessly sexist comment, but they’re fairly infrequent and not outrageously terrible.
2) While I’m not keen on infants, I’d quite like to have a toddler that is biologically mine in a few years, which means now’s the moment, basically. I have resigned myself to the fact that some of this will probably suck some, but it does end eventually. I’ve been listening to The Longest Shortest Time podcast (which is wonderful), and they interviewed Roman Mars, who described his first year with his twins as the worst year of his life, period. But he survived, and has delightful children and a lovely podcast and all sorts of things, so presumably I can also survive. We are also lucky enough to have money that we can designate for things like hiring a night nurse or another solution if we simply can’t take it any more.
3) I’m lucky to have had a bunch of examples of working mothers of young children, particularly recently, so I am fairly certain that it can be done. My mom stayed home with us until we were in elementary school (and then became a high-powered career woman, so go mom!)- I don’t think that will be the path for me, but it’s nice to know that it can also be possible to have some time out of the workforce without ruining your life forever.
I will say that it seems much more feasible now to do these things than it did right out of school- for starters, work takes up substantially less of my time! And we’ve saved money and stuff, made a home, all those things. Plus I’m training more with the kids in judo these days and they’re just so great- and they were once infants, and their parents seem to have survived and trained up some pretty cool humans, so I have hope.
Well yes, all of that can be true. Puking sucks, but you might be one of those people who barely feels nauseous. Otherwise you learn that once you throw up you’re good for a while and everything’s ok (i was that person.) Babies are hard. Grad school is hard. Both is hard (BTDT). But it’s all a spectrum. A good mother support group (La Leche League, though I was dragged kicking and screaming, really turned out to be what I needed and I made so many good mentoring friendships there. Ymmv) Yes, you may go nutso with hormones. Yes, there will be times when you are alone and the baby won’t sleep and it just projectile vomited down the back of your nightie. You will cry when you accidently buckle their little thighs in the car seat buckle. But It won’t change who you are, deep down. It’s more of a pause, change channel, learn a little, switch back to the regularly scheduled program, repeat sort of a thing. You can prepare not to sink, you can make plans. If you’re me, you’ll then get a colicky baby that doesn’t let you sit down until theyr’e 5 months old. But you may get my second baby, who went to college with me and crawled under the table and slept during the lectures and was just about as perfect a happy baby as they come. I was terrified to have him, after my first, but every baby is different. Every mom is different. But even if you do somedays feel like a sad, sleepy robot–they grow up. Everything is temporary. I know none of this is reassuring but it is terrifying–yet somehow you look at that little human who is so perfectly themselves with a personality the minute they show up and you know you need to keep it together for that new person. You won’t lose yourself.
It kind of sounds like you might want to adopt? It’s more expensive, but you don’t have to be pregnant, and you could actually have an older kid. Adoption doesn’t have to be a second choice.
1) Well, I ended up having two medically-necessary C-sections, so, yeah, there’s a way to prevent tearing! => But unfortunately the physical end of things is so variable that I have nothing useful for you.
2) Well, yes, you can be delivered a four-year-old, it’s called adoption. (I am an adopted child, so, you know, I’m in favor of it.)
3) Totally possible. Here is some advice I wrote about it a while ago.
Best wishes; this is a hard question and one ultimately only you can decide.
…Are you me?
‘Coz I am feeling ALL of those things, lady.
My MA dissertation is due in just over a week, and it is a nightmare. I currently have tonnes of notes (which are mainly just chunks from articles I’ve read plus my disjointed thoughts on them) and trying to fit those into a structured plan and then turn that into a proper dissertation is making me feel like my brain is going to fall out. I have been spending a lot of time staring blankly at the computer screen and then breaking off to browse the internet. The remainder of the month is not going to be pleasant.
YOU CAN DO IT. seriously, you can.
Thanks! I know it will get done, but the thought of the work that needs to happen in the next week makes me want to hide under the duvet. But it will be over soon.
YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN!!!!
Thank you! I will do my best.
We all believe in you!!!!
I’ve found setting one hour timers to be crazy helpful–I set one, and workworkwork until it goes off, then allot myself 30 minutes to dick around on the internets, and then back to another hour chunk. It feels so much more manageable this way for me. Maybe that could help?
I love Lily of the Valley!
Also, a former coworker is back with the company, which is awesome. Ex!boss fired her just after Christmas last year, after aggressively sexually harassing her, because he couldn’t handle having her in the office, and made up some shit about her being hung over at work all the time. (She didn’t sue only because she likes the rest of us, and our warehouse manager is her best friend). So now that he’s gone, we’ve brought her back on, and I’m really happy about that. Not only is she really nice and fantastically competent, she’s taking on some of the duties that were overwhelming me, so I’m now working 4 days in a row instead of 5, with a 3-day weekend. I still have enough hours to be full-time and therefore insured, but I get more time to do my own stuff around the house (as well as my side job with the church).
That’s great news!
She also has better handwriting than anybody else in the office!
ah you are aweomse
keep confusing the menz however you can.
YOU CAN DO IT. seriously, you can.
i am sad that i have a car. I would recommend zipcar or renting if you need to get around. My brother has a motorcycle and he uses it in conjunction with transit. I think they are cool but am too afraid of dying. Although, if you are appropriately decked out it's probably fine.
IM AT COLLEGE!
I havent cried too much, my roommate is awesome, everything is perfect, Im all good.
THANK YOU ALL for your love and support.
I had a friend come in and scribble a Sylvia Plath quote on my chalkboard, so this is definitely the college for me.
Awesome, you got this! College can be a fun, wonderful time and I hope that it is everything you want it to be!
Good Luck! Go out and meet people! (or just sit in the coffeeshop and watch people, that’s ok too!) You will be great. Here’s hoping the food is not too terrible, and at least one of your classes is interesting!
Intro to Queer Studies is gonna be BEAST
Posting a second thread to say, My dad bought a 2003, very nice volvo this February. (He traded in MY van to do it). Today they got their driveway resurfaced, and so had to park on the street. It’s a curvy street and rural and 4 houses from a high school. They found out when the state trooper rang their doorbell that a school bus “thought there was enough room” and smashed into the car. Then the driver took all the kids back home and made a police report. The volvo is totalled. The bus driver got a ticket. the trooper was very sympathetic to my parents, and is supporting them by writing up the fact that their car had to be where it was. The selfish part of this story is where I say that my kids went back to school this week and I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am every day for them, and all I wanted to do was sleep in tomorrow. Instead I’ll be giving my dad my car at 6:30 am.
Important update! http://openpuppies.com/
Hit space to get a new puppy.
I responded above, apparently not directly to your original post though. Best wishes.
D: OH LORD
British Columbia is on fire too. It's frightening, and so dry, and the cavalier attitudes of the rich people with *pretty clearly watered lawns* in my city is…upsetting.
How excellent! We never got to actual plans but I would totally be up for coffee tomorrow (Sunday)! I'll send around an email\tweet in the morning and see where we get to!
Yes, Fly Away Home would be good! I looked up A Little Princess and think perhaps she needs to age a bit for that one 🙂
Thanks!
Ooh, these are great! Thanks very much for the link!
Yeah, I think you might be right. Maybe a couple of years down the track.
This has come up a couple of times on lists and I've never heard of it, but it looks lovely. Thank you!
She has seen a lot of the Ghibli films, which I also love. We did show them The Dark Crystal and I think they freaked out a bit! Heh, oops. Labyrinth and Willow are favourites of ours (the Handsome Sidekick and I also grew up in the 80s) but we'll probably wait a bit for them. I wonder about The Neverending Story… might be worth a try. Thank you!
I've never heard of this but it sounds lovely, and I think she'd really get into that. Thanks.
The Princess Bride… I loved this one, and I can't believe I didn't think of it!
Yes, she's seen a few of the Ghibli films, and liked Porco Rosso, but I didn't know about Poppy Hill. I will look that up, thank you!
We just watched Home recently and loved it ♥ She really enjoyed Brave, too, although I've watched it with them twice and still tear up in a few places. I'm hopeless when it comes to parents/children losing each other. I just can't deal with it.
Mulan is great, I really liked it too. I hadn't seen it until we got it one time for them to watch! I really liked Howl's Moving Castle, too, and have the book, which I hope they might read when they get a bit bigger. I found Spirited Away a little creepy when I saw it a few years ago, but it might be worth another look. And thanks for the suggestion of Aquamarine!