Previously in this series.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d have perfect facial hair that makes him look perpetually, endearingly scruffy, but would never be prickly when you make out.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d wear his t-shirts to peak softness, then immediately hand them off to you to wear for lounging or to bed.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, that cliché about him loving you best with no makeup and threadbare sweats on would actually be true, but he’d never begrudge you when you want to spend an extra 30 minutes figuring out how to tightline your eyes or curl your hair with a straightening iron. You, on the other hand, would be a little annoyed every time he’s ready to go out in 30 seconds by mussing his hair a little and grinning at himself in the mirror.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, it would be totally cool that your preferred outdoor activities were limited to: watching other people play sports, leisurely bike rides on vintage cruisers, reading paperbacks on the beach, and the occasional friendly game of tennis.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d introduce you to Amy Poehler as “the smartest woman I know.” Then she’d put you in charge of letting her know all the women debut authors she should be reading.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d deal with the neighbors with the thumping bass/repetitive blaring alarm clock/ lonely barking dog. He’d be so charming that they’d smile and pat themselves on the back as they turn down the stereo/skip the snooze button/hire a dog walker.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, you’d move to an adorable midcentury bungalow in Southern California. He’d say, “Whatever you want, babe” when you dig out one of your original-era Domino magazines and suggest yet another home décor change.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d understand that you love superhero movies and television shows because of their reassuringly formulaic stories of good versus evil and their charismatic heroes and antiheroes. He wouldn’t judge when you get the characters’ comic book backstories mixed up.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, his biological clock would be ticking. He’d do things like make goofy faces at the baby at the next table at brunch and help moms fit their double stroller through doorways. He’d say that he hoped your babies had your brain and his goofy sense of humor. You’d groan and say, “Great, even more fart jokes,” but then smile a little and mumble, “Someday.”
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t act superior about his exercise and diet regimen when he’s preparing for a role, but his habits would subtly rub off and you’d find yourself stronger and fitter than ever. That said, if Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d encourage you to order dessert every time, because he knows life is just better when you’ve had cake.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d respect that you are just as diehard about your sports teams as he is, and you’d have a hard-and-fast rule than anything said in the heat of the moment when your teams play each other is never spoken of again post-game. (Eventually he’d have to acquiesce that Chicago is the best sports town.)
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t roll his eyes when you ask him to reenact the scene from Everwood when Bright locks Hannah in the bathroom and tells her all the things that make her more beautiful than all the cool girls she compares herself to. Of course, you’ll have to end each reenactment by inviting him in the shower, you know, to stick to the canon.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d earnestly agree with you that your collarbone was your sexiest feature, but give you that innocent-puppy look when you catch him checking out your boobs or butt.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d totally get your occasional cat-like tendency to want to simply coexist at home without interacting. He’d know just the moment to give you a little nudge and suggest the adventure you never knew you wanted.
Tags: aleksandra walker, beauty, chris pratt, relationships
This is my new favourite thing.
I have been lowkey in love with Chris Pratt since the Everwood days and this is doing nothing to break that, THANKS
(no really, thanks, I needed this today!)
I need to know what episode of Everwood that scene is in so I can seek it out.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d totally get your occasional cat-like tendency to want to simply coexist at home without interacting. He’d know just the moment to give you a little nudge and suggest the adventure you never knew you wanted.
Seriously, THANK YOU. I needed this today.
ME TOO.
thanks to this I have now watched that Bright/Hannah shower scene.
current level of “being able to deal”: nooooooooooooppeeeeee
I have to admit to never having watched/seen clips of/heard of this show, and that scene was too adorable for words and Chris Pratt <3 AND I was completely distracted by April Kepner.
Ok, I want to start out by saying I love this. I really, really do. But. I also kinda want a version that is more gender neutral or overtly gay, because for some reason the thought of him being with another sweetly doofy dude just makes me all a-flutter. It is inexplicable, but the heart wants what it wants.
Also, just think of the couple cosplay potential. I mean. You know he’d be down with greying up his hair to be Lestrade, and then you’d have the most perfect excuse to break out that three piece suit for Mycroft.
Now I’m actually just mentally placing Chris Pratt into the Mycroft role in The Least of All Possible Mistakes so there goes the rest of my day
WHAT
WHAT
STOP
I AM DONE YOU HAVE KILLED ME WITH THIS
eee sorry not sorry
see, it’s weird on the surface, because Chris Pratt is such a sweet-faced thing, but then you remember how he can get all steely and intense and you just KNOW he’d be perfectly capable of disciplining Boris Johnson in front of an evening-dressed ballroom, or of saying “I like LIzzie immensely,” or getting horribly embarrassed by his mum or needing whole milk in his tea from time to time.
I had been reading it with Tom Hiddleston as Mycroft, but now I think I need to do a re-read and try out Chris Pratt in the role…
AS IF I NEEDED SOMETHING ELSE TO DO TONIGHT, NOW IMMA BE UP ALL NIGHT FINISHING THAT DAMN FIC AGAIN
oh my christ, officially hate you now
Tell me there’s a better person to fill the Mycroft role in that fic. TELL ME
I will never doubt again
oh, my biological clock would most definitely start ticking for Chris Pratt
Can the next one of these please be “if you were in a poly triad with Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg”? I bequeath it to anyone who can make it into a reality.
I think it’d be fun to do a “If Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were your partners” one.
Scientology has ruined this fantasy for me.
……….If Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were your partners, you would discover that their supposed involvement in Scientology wasn’t real. They have been setting aside a huge amount of money, but instead of going to Scientology like everyone always assumed, it instead went to help poor people get back on their feet and Lambda Legal, because they know how bullshit “traditional marriage” is, but they didn’t want to donate to HRC. They didn’t want to make a big deal about their generous contributions, and Scientology wanted to claim them, and they just never corrected the record. They are mostly okay with the way things have turned out, although it does mean that they hate Tom Cruise even more than most people.
I love you.
It’s almost like this particular issue has plagued me for years and my rich fantasy life has been working on how to handwave this particular problem away for some time now, so this was just about ready to go at any moment.
ALMOST LIKE.
JUST MAYBE.
“If Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman were your partners”? Or is that too creepy because they’re too public?
I’d find it too creepy because I find them kinda creepy?
Like I totally get the “vaguely hippy unicorn hunters who only talk to the young women at poly meetups” vibe from them.
Oh, the AVOIDAVOIDAVOID vibe *I* get from them is the opposite– the “we don’t want our partners to know each other or become friends, we want very siloed relationships with each of them because that’s more convenient for ME”.
This probably says more about me than about them, tbh, as they clearly do have friends in common and introduce each other to people. But they both seem sort of prickly and need their own space hard enough that I have trouble imagining them as hardcore unicorn hunters.
Obviously Gaiman and Palmer are just the boggarts for our respective poly hangups, then!
If you were in a poly triad with Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg, you too would somehow know how to play harp, but you would mostly let Joanna seranade you while Andy made goofy faces. You would get to star in Lonely Island video projects, or at least contribute some of the best jokes. Andy would invite all his Brooklyn 99 castmates to your birthday and you’d become their friends. You and Andy would go see Joanna’s shows and alternate beaming with pride at her and giving each other “can you believe she’s ours?” looks.
This is everything I have ever wanted tbh.
Besides I owned a small harp and a Gunne Sax dress before I even HEARD of Joanna so it’s fate.
YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
When I saw this headline a little sigh emanated from me that I am frankly kind of creeped out by.
Oh my god yes yes yes I have been waiting for this one and it was everything I dreamed and more. I will be utterly useless for the rest of the day. *swoon*
Oh, Everwood. Those were the days.
Gotta admit, I preferred Gregory Smith back then, and I’m not really sure who’d win if I re-watched the show now…
I LOOOOVED Gregory Smith (he’s still being adorable, last I checked) and I haven’t re-watched Everwood because I’m really afraid of what baby Chris Pratt will do to me.
Get out of my head the dash Toast dot net! I had a dream last night that was not only about being back in high school again but for some reason Chris Pratt was sitting next to me in class and making jokes. I must say I am a little mad at my dream self for not putting Chris Pratt to better use. Maybe if I re-read this a few times he’ll return again tonight.
Ummmm mmmmm! And I loved Everwood!
If Christ Pratt were your boyfriend he’d gain back all the weight he lost because he knows how much you like laying on a stomach with a nice layer of pudge.
While I’m happy that he’s getting post-Parks & Rec work, I am a bit dismayed at the thought that he might be srs action hero guy forever and never go back to doing comedy.
Like, this (all improv!) scene where he acts out his favorite movies is a thing of beauty and a national treasure.
Siiiiggghhhhhhhhhh. He’s so much better looking in that video, imo.
I don’t think he’ll stop doing comedy. I bet he’ll make some $$$, have a few more kids, and then do strictly comedy from then on out. Oh and then he’ll do one srs movie where everyone is amazed by his acting ability and talk of an Oscar is thrown around!!!!
You can curl your hair with a straightening iron? What dark sorcery is this?
I think you can do finger waves this way?
You can! Or give it nice waves at least. Sometimes you don’t even burn your ears!
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend he’d deal with the Burt Macklin jokes-not just deal with but totally enjoy.
Cripes, I’m pretty sure he would INSIST on an occasional Macklin joke.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend he would french braid your hair whenever you asked. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tHrUr_ozZs
ok so maybe this one made me cry a little
You know you have to do a book of these right? Because I know so many people who would benefit from having this book in their lives. It would be our Fifty Shades – namely in that it would terrify my actual boyfriend.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he would always remember to take the dog out before bed, so you don’t have to sleepily beg him to do it after you’ve fallen asleep watching Netflix.
Every night when you pulled his soft shirt on and curled up to watch Netflix, Chris Pratt would take it as his signal to get you a glass of wine then take the dog out for a quick run. He’d make it feel like an equal division of household labor.
I think you can do finger waves this way?
CHRIS PRATT.
my gf and I have this running joke that dating me is like dating chris pratt from parks & rec, she is lesley knope, it works.
This is exactly what I envisioned when I was thinking yesterday, “we need If Chris Pratt Were Your Boyfriend”
He would have a golden ‘make faces at babies’ game.
Domino magazine! Of course you would still have your old issues if you were dating Chris Pratt.
Good old Washingtonian love nugget, gotta love him.
I now enjoy the comment add ons to these as much as the pieces themselves.
Nope. Nooope. No.
Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are the perfect couple and I refuse to listen to this heretical hypothetical situation where they’re not together.
This is how I once felt about Will Arnett & Amy Poehler… but then they separated, and from my tears a host of DILF fantasies sprung.
“If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d understand that you love superhero movies and television shows because of their reassuringly formulaic stories of good versus evil and their charismatic heroes and antiheroes. He wouldn’t judge when you get the characters’ comic book backstories mixed up”
THIS^^^
Yeah, I’m basically straight and monogamous, but as soon as I saw the headline, I thought, “Ooh! I hope this means Anna Faris is also your girlfriend.”
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend you’d never be able to forget the time you came home early and he was standing in front of the mirror, and just for a split second you were sure as death that you saw Brendan Fraser staring back at him
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend you'd never be able to forget the time you came home early and he was standing in front of the mirror, and just for a split second you were sure as death that you saw Brendan Fraser staring back at him
I think this list needs a little something more about how slyly funny he is. And something about his taxidermy collection. Other than that, perfect.
If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, his biological clock would be ticking. He’d do things like make goofy faces at the baby at the next table at brunch and help moms fit their double stroller through doorways.
googles "replace exploded ovaries"
googles "ovaries dead help"
You have the same last name, so you’d get married and not have to face the name change problem.
You have the same last name, so you'd get married and not have to face the name change problem.
I love this so hard.
Is Chris Pratt the new Ryan Gosling? Wait, can't we have both?