A Poirot Novel Where No One Is Murdered And He Gets To Eat Everything He Wanted Without Interruption

by Mallory Ortberg · August 30, 2015

I am a person who, like Hercule Poirot, prefers comfort and regular meals to menacing ex-girlfriends and sinister train conductors. It is my belief that Agatha Christie’s beloved detective series, while excellent, would have been vastly improved had the bit with the murders been edited out and readers been left with 200 pages of Poirot sitting down to elegant, well-arranged little meals with tidy cutlery arrangements and delightful little dessert carts

Presented without further comment:

Hercule Poirot in
Dinner On The Train

Chapter One: Tiny Cut-Crystal Glasses Of Crème de Menthe

Chapter Two: Eating Cheese While Gazing Out Over Lake Geneva, Which Is Full Of Lake Water Instead Of Bodies

Chapter Three: A List Of Soufflés And Living People

Chapter Four: Cutting Toast Into Identically Sized Squares With Lord Edgware, Who Was Still Alive

Chapter Five: The Perfectly-Poached Eggs Reinforce The Detective’s Sense Of Order And Symmetry

Chapter Six: Port Or Claret?

Chapter Seven: A Digression On Moules Frites/Poirot Takes A Nap

Chapter Eight: Checking For Crumbs (There Were None)

Chapter Nine: A Pot Of Freshly-Brewed Tea And A Tall Armchair By The Fire

Chapter Ten: On Sauces

Chapter Eleven: A Dinner Uninterrupted By Screams

Chapter Twelve: A Nice Little Walk Around The Garden After Dinner

Chapter Thirteen: Hot Cocoa And A Tray Of Cookies On The Nightstand Before Bed

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


100 Comments

      1. leslieellenjones +43

        I refuse to believe Poirot likes _anything_ more than tisanes. Even documentary evidence will fail to sway me.

  2. threatqualitypress +175

    I feel like Hercule Poirot and Bilbo Baggins would have gotten along either very well, or exactly poorly in only that way that two fastidious, homey men who are allergic to the disruption of their sense of order can fail to get along.

    1. halloweenjack64 +32

      Are we sure they’re not the same person? I mean, aside from one or two minor details (dragons, possibly dwarves).

    1. jackir0nsides +4

      I raise a glass, Domina, to your perfect username.

      Also I went red in the face at work suppressing my laugh at your comment, so extra points there.

  5. Eris +57

    I want nothing more in this life than to read this book while curled up with a nice, soft blanket, a mug of cocoa, and a plate containing tiny adorable pastries.

    3. ppyajunebug +43

      Also, please be aware that all attendees will need to wear (false) mustaches for ~authenticity~

      1. wallpaperori +28

        When I first encountered the hipster mustache trend, it was a mustache on a mug that one could purchase, which I did, because it looked exactly like a Poirot mustache and I was THRILLED.

  7. theharpoon +113

    thank you for using an appropriate photo of David Suchet, the Only Acceptable Poirot as represented in moving images

    1. greyduck72 +37

      Much like Raul Julia / Gomez Addams, Poirot is the role David Suchet was BORN to play.

      1. NovemberDecember +28

        Also Jeremy Brett and Sherlock Holmes. He looks like he walked out of a Paget illustration.

        1. threerings +5

          Well, he did at the BEGINNING of his time playing him. I mean, poor man, it’s not his fault he had bipolar disorder and a heart condition and the medication made him gain weight. But occasionally I see an early photo and I’m surprised all over again how perfect he looked.

      3. alahmnat +8

        Here here! Although I must say it’s supremely odd/hilarious seeing him play Reacher Gilt in the TV adaptation of Going Postal, simply because it’s such a complete antithesis to his performance as Poirot. Who knew he could chew so much ham so well?

    2. mbculver +14

      I totally agree with this, and yet I have a very soft spot in my heart for Albert Finney, as the 70s Murder on the Orient Express was the first Christie moving image I ever saw. (Also, the rest of that cast is AMAZING and the Suchet version of this story is not as good.)

      1. threerings +2

        I’m about to rewatch this for the first time since I was about 10. I’m interested to react to it.

    3. hivemindbrain +4

      Emphatically agree. Still cannot believe Daniel Day Lewis is playing him in the new film. I have checked the cast list so many times, sure I had imagined it…and yet it’s true. I can’t be outraged, because of course Dannyboy’s acting will be excellent, but I also can’t make my brain accept it.

  8. marcinem +27

    Perfect save for the omission of tisane, sherry parties, and creme de banane (shudders)!

  9. sednarea51 +67

    Hastings Stops By For Coffee and Delicate Pastries On The Verandah And Discusses Nothing But Marie Kondo Books The Whole Time

    eta: I am aware of the anachronism and I stand by it

    1. Lindsay +15

      I’m pretty sure that in a book without interruptions of Poirot’s meals, there can be no Hastings. His very existence would be a disruption, despite my great love for him. Also not appearing: Japp.

  10. greyduck72 +154

    Chapter __ : Captain Hastings Trundled Off In His Motorcar For The Entire Day; The Ensuing Silence Was Heavenly

  12. houblonchouffe +60

    Epilogue: The Goodness of a Day When No Hot Beverages Damage the Mustaches

    Postscript: The Importance of a Good Long Digest Before Strenuous Conversations Which Certainly Do Not Involve Arsenic

      1. claredelune +59

        Yes, hello, long time lurker etc. who had to reply to this just to affirm how amazing Hugh Fraser is at constructing an entire character around what is essentially two lines of dialogue forever (the other, of course, being “I say!”) !

        1. hark2melody +21

          Strangely enough I am also a long time lurker, and it turns out that despite all the multitudes of witty and entertaining comment threads over the last year, only a burning need to comment about Hastings’ two word sentences prompted me to sign up for a commenter account.
          But you beat me to it *tips hat*

        2. Girl Named Jack +37

          There is a behind-the-scenes documentary about the series, where the writers joked about competing to put as many “good lords” and “I says” as they could into some of the early shows.

    2. houblonchouffe +27

      I finished After the Funeral not twenty-four hours ago, and there is a lot of sirop de cassis in that novel.

        1. houblonchouffe +13

          And Monsieur is similarly horrified at the idea of offering beer to the English!

  14. Girl Named Jack +28

    Slight OT but: is anyone else sitting on a DVD of Curtain, paralyzed? I can’t bring myself to watch it. I just can’t. It’s the only Poirot book I never re-read.

    3. newglasses +61

      Poirot lives! He allowed Curtain to be published, even though it pained his little grey cells, because this time he truly did want to retire to the country to grow vegetable marrows and have uninterrupted mealtimes. Also, unlike poor Sherlock Holmes, he cannot be summoned to dance as a puppet in the service of whatever hacks (or geniuses) who want to make him into whatever character they would like to foist onto the world.

      Poirot regrets that the world can no longer avail itself of his little grey cells, though it is obviously in dire need of him, but on the other hand, his reputation remains secure, and his cocoa and biscuits are taken in blissful peace and quiet. 😛

        1. newglasses +6

          Happy to be of service! It has been my headcanon since I was a bookish 12 year old. 🙂

    4. Meg +14

      Regardless of the events of the story, I thought it was a PHENOMENALLY well shot/acted episode. Beautiful and heartbreaking. Hugs to you at this difficult time.

    6. fenixdawn +4

      I have reread just about every Agatha Christie book solidly half a dozen times EXCEPT CURTAIN.

  15. entirelysayali +10

    This is immensely soothing and I’m here for it. Excuse me while I prepare myself a tisane.

  16. marcinem +17

    Does anyone else feel the immense anguish in knowing David Suchet as Poirot (season 1-3) will never star as M. Paul Emanuel in an adaptation in VILLETTE? Stanley Tucci is a close second.

  17. Ronit +23

    For the last few days I’ve been watching a lot of the David Suchet Poirot, and it really is the perfect dinner-time viewing. It’s so soothing and comfortable.

    1. mbculver +12

      My daughter and I watched Dead Man’s Mirror last night, coveted all the dresses, admired the period lipstick colors, and remarked on how handsome young Jeremy Northam was. It was lovely, and satisfying knowing I’m succeeding in bringing my girl into the fold.

  18. Angelan_ +54

    I’m almost certain there’s an episode of Poirot where uses a special gadget to chop the top off his boiled egg. idk why I’m bringing it up but I’d kind of like to be a person who has that kind of breakfast. Silver tray. Egg and soldiers. Pot of tea. Special egg-decapitating gadget even though a knife serves just as well.

    2. Kwyjor +16

      Reminds me of this:

      “Fortunately, it was the left arm that he lost and gradually, over the years, he taught himself to do more or less anything he wanted with just the four fingers and thumb of his right hand… [H]e sharpened the bottom edge of a fork so that it served as both knife and fork all in one. He kept his ingenious instrument in a slim leather case and carried it in his pocket wherever he went. The loss of an arm, he used to say, caused him only one serious inconvenience. He found it impossible to cut the top off a boiled egg.”
      –Roald Dahl writing of his father in Boy: Tales of Childhood.

    3. TeaTime +4

      Yes, egg toppers! They are special round scissors for cutting off the top of your boiled egg. Like this. http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-COC-Poussin-Egg-T…

    4. fenixdawn +21

      While I (sadly) do not have an egg decapitator, I have been known to make a soft-boiled egg, bits of tiny toasts, a selection of jams and butter, and then sit down to devour this feast all by myself. It is glorious, and I whole-heartedly recommend it. I have no doubt it is helpful in solving crimes, a but a crime is not necessary for sufficient enjoyment of said breakfast.

    1. tomatoskirt +15

      I have no patience for any of the Lord of the Rings books and lose all interest in The Hobbit the minute it becomes apparent that we are leaving the shire and going on a tedious men-only quest. That we don’t get another 100+ pages describing food and pantry arrangements is extremely disappointing to me.

    2. whollyword +10

      Oh, me too! Bread and Jam for Frances was a pivotal book for me as a young person: as Frances is going through a stage where she wants to eat nothing other than bread and jam, her best friend Arthur shows up with a multi-course thoughtfully prepared meal, which he eats in rotation so that it all comes out even:

      Albert took two napkins from his lunch box.
      He tucked one napkin under his chin.
      He spread the other one on his desk like a tablecloth.
      He arranged his lunch neatly on the napkin.
      With his spoon he cracked the shell of the hard-boiled egg.
      He peeled away the shell and bit off the end of the egg.
      He sprinkled salt on the yolk and set the egg down again.
      He unscrewed his thermos-bottle cup and filled it with milk.
      Then he was ready to eat his lunch.
      He took a bite of sandwich, a bit of pickle,
      a bite of hard-boiled egg, and a drink of milk.
      Then he sprinkled more salt on the egg and went around again.
      Albert made the sandwich, the pickle,
      the egg, and the milk come out even.
      He ate his bunch of grapes and his tangerine.
      Then he cleared away the crumpled-up wax paper,
      the eggshell, and the tangerine peel.
      He set the cup custard in the middle of the napkin on his desk.
      He took up his spoon and ate up all the custard.
      Then Albert folded up his napkins and put them away.
      He put away his cardboard saltshaker and his spoon.
      He screwed the cup on top of his thermos bottle.
      He shut his lunch box,
      and put it back inside his desk, and sighed.
      “I like to have a good lunch,” said Albert.

      Seriously, that ranks up there with Ovid’s account of the meal Baucis and Philemon share with Zeus and Hermes (basically, late antique Mediterranean peasant food, or what I eat most of the time as a vegetarian living in California) for drool-worthy depictions of casual fare. When I was translating that poem in Latin class, I had the most undignified stomach rumbles.

  20. Sarah Stegall +29

    I want the crossover novel, where Hercule Poirot must solve a murder in New York with Nero Wolfe. They argue over the larding of a casserole, and Archie Goodwin must separate them.

    1. wallpaperori +4

      I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this up, but I have never found it again:

      There used to be a radio series of Poirot, where he visited New York and solved crimes. The stories almost certainly weren’t written by Christie, because they, er, weren’t very good, but there were lots of them, and I always expected him to run into the other New York-area detectives. I was going to say that that never happened, but the more that I think about it, I feel like maybe it did.

  21. sorrycassandra +48

    Chapter Fourteen: Life Is Like a Box of Chocolates, Unwrapped and Eaten Neatly and in the Correct Order

    Chapter Fifteen: I Found This Little Place Where They Do Something Magnificent with a Selle d’Agneau

  24. Marc +25

    I would retitle Chapter 12: A Nice Little Walk Around The Perfectly Manicured, Rectilinear Garden After Dinner. We all know how Poirot feels about the randomness of Nature.

  25. saraallain +15

    Is it possible to read this without imitating David Suchet’s Belgian accent and mode of speaking?

  27. claptonjohn +5

    I agree entirely. Poirot is such a person as would eat very good food – always! Yet we never see it. Nero Wolfe (Rex Stout) likes his food, but we only catch glimpses of what his chef Fritz dishes up to him. Inspector Montalbano (Andrea Camilleri) in Sicily and Commisario Brunetti (Donna Leon) in Venice give us much better angles on food. Long live the sleuth who likes his food!

    1. dakimel +1

      Nothing makes me happier than when Montalbano looks in his oven to see what Adela(?) left for him to eat.

  28. Carolyn +2

    Of course Inspector Lewis and Hathaway seem to drink a lot beer and eat sandwiches of non descript contents. But Poirot, hands down, has all the sleuths beat! But I do appreciate Inspector Morse who enriched our music experiences! And, Inspector Murdoch who demonstrated the beginnings of so many resources detectives and othersbenefit from today as “tools” of the trade. Even so, more Poirot, please!

  29. alishalevin +12

    But… wouldn’t that just be Frasier?

    (In fact, all of these would work exceptionally well as Frasier title cards.)

  30. wyandotte +12

    This gave me a serious yen for a crossover wherein Poirot faces off with Hannibal Lecter at a dinner party – and Poirot prevails, because Lecter finds the detective’s excellent manners and appreciation of a good meal so charming that he overreaches (like that time in Hannibal, I think? where he brings a BOX LUNCH FROM FAUCHON on a PLANE while ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW OH MY GOD). What a (strictly gen) fanfiction that could be!

    1. Unreadaethel +29

      And all of the other guests are all, “mmm, sure is some good rabbit you’ve prepared for us,” and Poirot is the only one to realize “…this dish, she is exquisite, but she is not made from the rabbit. Poirot, he begins to have deep misgivings about his host.”

  32. Charmee +5

    The comments on this post are almost as good as the post itself. Poirot fans are delightful people! ^_^b

  33. Theo_Winterwood +2

    I have just been convinced to start reading Poirot novels.

    I can’t depend entirely on Nero Wolfe for my food-obsessed detective stories.

    1. wyandotte +1

      Maybe also try my favorite book, The Alienist by Caleb Carr. While the characters aren’t exactly food-obsessed (and the book is a deal darker and more rip-roaring than Agatha Christie, much as I love her), there are some meals described in loving detail that I always particularly appreciate.

  34. Danika

    I raise a glass, Domina, to your perfect username.

    Also I went red in the face at work suppressing my laugh at your comment, so extra points there.

  35. layrl +4

    Chapter Sixteen: Mycroft Holmes Dropping By With Something Delightful From That Bakery His Brother Saved From Being Blown Up

  36. darthhellokitty

    Chapter Sixteen: Mycroft Holmes Dropping By With Something Delightful From That Bakery His Brother Saved From Being Blown Up