The Bartender is doing all fun things in the next few days (seeing dearest friends! Family! Steaks! Wave Hill! Cloisters! More fun things!) and spirits are high. Also The Bartender’s mom made the cookies pictured above (all made by her including the apricot and sour cherry jam) and The Bartender ate them ALL. I wish you the happiest of long weekends, dear Toasties. Open thread!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender is in
FEMSPLAINERS UNITE (& repent together 😉
The more I (woman) read about mansplaining, the more I realise that *I* am one of life’s dreaded splainers…
I have a loud voice, I tend to talk over people, and I think no discussion is complete without my (unique & So Very Necessary) view on the subject.
I know this behaviour is far from stellar, and recently I’m trying to be more quiet/ give others space to talk (omg so difficult like sitting on your hands when you want to scratch).
I also know this behaviour doesn’t come from a place of malice, but more from enthousiasm and ‘me too me too I wanna play too’.
I come from a Northwerstern European culture where there is (perhaps) more gender equality, so this might be why ‘our’ splainers come in both male and female form?
Are you a female splainer too? How can we change our ways?
*raises hands*
I maaay have a slight issue with this. (Load talk, constantly talk over people, insist that everyone must here my opinion.). I think its a bit of a defense mechanism with me, when I get socially anxious my brain sort of switches off and my mouth takes over.
I’ve been trying to recognize when it happens, and try to shut up when other people are talking (it doesn’t help that I currently don’t have any friends who know me well enough to tell me to STFU, everyone is very polite and lets me ramble and rant on. Awks.)
Holy sweet Brian Christ I cannot spell today. I apologize to all who had to read this.
I do that a lot, actually. Over the past year or so, I’ve started to realize how this probably makes me tiresome to talk to. I grew up a “smart kid”, and pretty much nobody put the idea in my head that I might be wrong, so if I knew the answer to something (even if it wasn’t a question), I couldn’t not say it. At least one person has called me a know-it-all, and they weren’t completely wrong.
Mostly I’ve been trying to alleviate this issue by remembering that sometimes it’s okay for other people to be incorrect (about things like the fastest way to get to our building’s cafeteria, for instance). That, and I’ve put a mostly-strict order on myself not to spontaneously join conversations I overhear, because that used to be a bad habit of mine, too. Mostly the issue is catching myself on it before I’m midway through a five-minute tangent, which doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.
I am always struggling to remember “sometimes it’s okay for other people to be incorrect!” I mostly struggle with this with my husband, actually. Always trying to remember that if he loads the dishwasher “wrong” nothing truly terrible will happen! But if I harp on him about it, something bad will happen – he’ll feel (justifiably!) picked on and talked down to. So I try to remember in these circumstances to ask myself – is the harm of the “wrong” thing happening actually worse than the harm caused by being a know it all?
Meeee tooo, it’s a social anxiety thing. I just hear myself using this condescending loud voice. And then afterwards I replay the conversation in my head and feel great shame which causes more anxiety, and on the spiral goes.
It’s very much a social anxiety thing! I read somewhere that often people with social anxiety will talk about themselves or their opinions about things because that’s an easy subject that they know a lot about. Thinking about it that a way has helped me both rein myself in and also be a little more compassionate when other people do it.
Yup me. I am trying to do what Selma does and just recognize when it happens, shut up, and right before shutting up divert over to a friend (one that I know wants to contribute! not just anyone) by saying “X, what do you think?” … or something else that shifts the focus completely away from me. Then I basically clamp my mouth shut for at least 5 minutes.
My instinct is just from a family who talks over each other constantly and is a bunch of know-it-alls, so mine is definitely not malicious either, just… inconsiderate.
As kind of the opposite type of conversation haver, from my perspective, I understand why people do this, but it often hurts my feelings, makes me feel like my opinion isn’t being valued, and makes me feel like the splainer isn’t really truly listening to me. This is compounded because I have a speech impediment that can make it difficult for me to start speaking, and people tend to try to guess what I’m trying to say (and are often wrong). So people talk over me a lot and it’s incredibly frustrating. So maybe think about truly listening more. Instead of injecting with your opinion, listen to what the other person is saying and then prove it to them–ask them a question based on what they just said, make your next statement about them and not just your opinion, then say your opinion. Slow down. That’d be my advice.
I’m definitely kind of a know-it-all but I do believe that I don’t say things that aren’t actually right – but I know that it can be very annoying. It’s the Lisa Simpson in me! So I try to both do it less and also have a sense of humor about it. Sometimes it helps me to think back on conversations where someone said very little but was still engaged and interesting and try to remember that I won’t be forgotten or ignored if I don’t share my opinion about everything. (Because I have an opinion on everything. Give me the smallest amount of information on even the most obscure topic and I’ll form an opinion.)
I am… but I’m also super shy. So the only people who get my femsplaining are my family members and close friends, which means I’m even *more* enthusiastic about sharing my opinion and knowledge. It can get quite grating to them. I think I need to get my words out in the internet/blogging, instead of forcing them on my friends. I mean I guess that’s just trading audiences, but at least people can choose what they read? :/
That has been one of my goals for this year, I have a variety of vocal habits that I use to show people I’m actively listening and participating, but I think actually come across as rude. I’m trying to reflexively listen more, and finish people’s sentences less, and correct them on unimportant facts less – this is so difficult -. But I refuse to stop sharing my random bits of trivia about any topic that comes up. It makes me happy and if people don’t like hanging out with a human wikipedia they can hang out with someone else.
Aw, yes, I have been working on this too. It’s a difficult habit to overcome, especially in a culture that tells you to speak up and lean in! What I’ve been doing is trying to engage in active listening techniques, so that instead of responding with my own comment right away I engage more directly with what the other person is saying. This has worked out pretty well in work meetings!
Random trivia is THE BEST and those who dislike it need to just step back.
My friend taught me a thing that I use quite often to stop myself from interrupting with affirmatives and tangents – they wiggle their fingers unobtrusively but noticeably, like a cheerful auntie’s “toodle-oo!” wave, when they want to agree without interrupting the speaker. I find myself unconciously doing it even when the person I’m talking to doesn’t know the finger-wiggle code, and I think it’s helping a lot.
bless you for being so self-aware!
Other people can take this sort of thing as a form of disrespect, conscious or unconscious, so it’s good to modulate it. Hugs to you for working on it.
I do this too, especially when I’ve been drinking. Definitely a social anxiety thing. I’m currently in an area where I don’t know very many people and as I’m starting to get to know people I try to ask them one question for every thing I share.
OH, yes, I was reading along and thinking, hmm, so nice of people to realize that they are doing this and try to do something about it. . . and then I got to the “when I’ve been drinking.” And now I need to include myself on the list. Mea culpa.
*raises hand*
It’s a social anxiety reaction for me, too, I think as a result of being very unpopular and shut out of things for the first 20 years of life. The “Me too, me too!” feeling is strong and I have been trying to be quiet and listen more and it is frankly pretty hard, but worth it.
I…. I have a thing about explaining. I mean, I just want to HELP. Sometimes, I just need to be understood. Sometimes, I just can’t seem to sew my mouth shut fast enough.
In all seriousness, my best friend and I are both notorious ‘splainers who only encourage one another. It is all in enthusiasm and passion and desire to engage, but I have come to realize it sounds pedantic and is off-putting to people who are less aggressive with their conversational style. My significant other is one of those who does not care to throw his lot in with the Major Talkers. I also tend to treat peers with a very critical eye and skip over the affirmation and jump right into the deconstruction and analysis.
My recent experiments in being more thoughtful and less ‘splain-tastic is to just ask more questions, and leave more silence. I try to make sure I never volunteer an idea or story or answer until I have solicited an opinion of my conversation partner(s) or asked how they think/feel/regard whatever the topic is. I also try to ask myself *before* jumping in with my thoughts or suggestions whether it really has a bearing and if it does, whether it is something that the other person is in a space to hear and I have a reasonable way to offer. My good intentions don’t always translate so I am working really hard at making sure we’re in a common space using common language.
My therapist suggested I try to fine and keep venues good for diving into the kind of conversation I crave with people who also enjoy it and welcome my intensity and engagement level so that I don’t constantly feel edited or on a leash, but I honestly haven’t tried doing the balancing yet, just focusing on making space and filtering myself more.
Ooh, this is all very helpful. Excellent stuff.
I would just like to say to all you loud, proud, opinion-having, over-talking, maybe or maybe not lady-identifying folk out there that maybe you need not feel shame about this at all??
A woman having and expressing a strong opinion (“femsplaining”???) is not the same as a man talking over and erasing women’s experiences (mansplaining).
Is “femsplaining” even a thing, or is it even possible, discuss.
Oh, but I do erase and talk over other people, be they men or women. It’s not the strong opinion, it’s the total disregards for other ppl’s (surely dumb & uninformed) opinions, and the being-in-love-with-my-own-voice. Not listening, but waiting with bated breath for them to shut up so *I* can say myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy thing.
I am too. Every conversation requires my valuable input and perspective! It’s a habit I am trying to break.
Guess what, Toast? My year continues to get worse! Work problems for both myself and my husband, immigration clusterfuck, family problems, my dad’s cancer is looking more and more terminal (today he has another CT scan, what fun), and I am surrounded by pregnant people who keep asking me “So, when is it your turn?” Thanks! Would love to be pregnant but I’m not! I would like one thing to go smoothly this year but it doesn’t appear that is in the cards for us.
BUT who else has read Taking Charge Of Your Fertility? I am so fascinated by this book that I want to blab about it to everyone. I wish desperately someone had given me this book as a teenager because I swear suddenly I understand my body. It’s like hacking into your body’s secret systems and I GET IT. It’s incredibly cool and I want to launch a campaign to teach this to EVERY ONE because it’s just so fucking sensible and straightforward! Women’s bodies are not an unfathomable mystery! They make perfect sense! UGH.
I haven’t read the book, though it sounds REALLY interesting, especially because Women’s Bodies as Unfathomable Mysteries is such a common narrative.
and I am so sorry that things continue to get worse, internet hugs to you from this internet semi-stranger. :/
That sounds really difficult, sorry to hear things are getting worse.
not re: that book specifically, but I’m amazed by how well-structured the menstrual cycle is, and how much good a few months of monitoring can do you. My wife has been tracking as we do fertility treatment. It’s so demystifying (and I say this as a fellow lady). Like, oh this is why ovulation tracking actually CAN be a conception preventative; this is why a change in cycle can indicate a fertility problem; these are relatively unobtrusive solutions to minor difficulties, etc. Amazing!
It’s absolutely astonishing that what IS known is so badly taught or ignored. I feel like realizing this revealed that the unfathomable mystery shit is SO misogynistic and controlling. “If women KNEW this stuff they could do so much with it! So let’s make it nasty rude to talk about amongst themselves and hard to learn about unless they’re treating fertility problems. Yes good.”
Anyway. Yes. Talk about this stuff! People need to hear it. 🙂 And I’m sorry for the rest of your troubles – I hope they resolve soon & well.
YES EXACTLY. It’s so straightforward and easy to understand when you look at it, but the way it’s taught in schools is horrifying and the way it’s made out to be some kind of dramatic exotic mystery is just unfathomable to me. I truly don’t get it. Why NOT teach it? Why NOT make it a part of health classes and make sure it’s something people cover when talking about the female body? WHY NOT? Because patriarchy.
This is so interesting to me; last night my (cis male) spouse and I were talking about the disgust that many men have for women’s bodies and periods specifically. I mean, misogyny, yes of course, but a lot of it seems like it’s also based on a lack of education and that exotic mystery idea.
I’m sorry about all the sucky stuff. I really hate cancer too right now, because reasons that will make me cry if I try to explain. 🙁 You have ALL of my sympathy.
I remember reading that book and getting to the part where it talks about your cervix changing position throughout the month, and thinking, “Nobody thought to tell me this? Why do they think we don’t want to know this?” It was a life-changer. And I’d charted before, just because of irregular periods and nosy doctors who always assumed I was simply pregnant when I had 45-90 anovulatory cycles. But it wasn’t until reading that book that I was able to connect my horrible depression with the drop in progesterone of my cycle. And my migraines. WTF? I had to go through 20 years without that knowledge? nobody thought to tell me they could be related until I was 34 years old?
I am really sorry about the shitty everything else, especially all the worry over your dad. You don’t need to be pregnant right now–one thing at a time. You want to be able to be there for your dad, and you deserve to be selfish and self-centered when you do end up pregnant, and revel in it. Doing both at once is possible (for the record, i had my second while finishing my undergrad at 29, while my grandmother was dying, and while selling a house, after 9-11.That pregnancy sucked.)
your cervix does what????
Your cervix rises and lowers a tiny bit during your cycle, and the os opens a tiny bit during the fertile window. You can feel it!
I…should probably buy that book, huh.
For me it’s not just a tiny bit — I measure with my middle finger. At ovulation I can’t feel my cervix within my finger’s length; pre-menstrually I can feel it when my finger is in to my second knuckle, and at its lowest I can only fit the first knuckle of my finger in. But as soon as I get into sexytimes, then my cervix backs up like whoa and is again unreachable — vaginal tenting is a strange but interesting process.
Best description of what you’re looking for I’ve heard: your cervix feels like your nose. At least around your period, it gets pretty hard and feels like the tip of a nose.
Yep, and some people’s crevixes are tilted or otherwise s bit off, which I suspect is why I had so much trouble with my IUD.
You know, thanks for your concern, but I have had it with people in my life telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my body and pregnancy. I like to think of the Toast as a place where people can trust me to know my own body and family and personal situation, and I am really 150% over having other people tell me that I should or shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant or whatever. It is not really something I’m interested in hearing.
Oh, I’m sorry, I meant that to be reassuring but it obviously didn’t come out that way. Of course you know what’s best for you.
I haven’t read that book, but it sounds really interesting! I semi-recently started tracking my periods and have been having very brief, intense cramps that didn’t seem particularly tied to my period. I figured I would note them in the calendar and lo and behold, opened up the app and it was the estimated day of ovulation AND when I used their little symptom tracker to write down my observations, “ovulation pain” was one of the options. No one told me ovulation pain was a thing! I was convinced that my body was just doing something weird and completely random, because women’s bodies are an unfathomable mystery, but nope. Everything is way more orderly than anyone ever told me.
Mittelschmerz! It’s a thing!
My library has a copy–even if you just had a look to check out the chapter on what is actually happening in your body hormonally, etc., during the cycle, explains SO much. So much. I totally thought “Oh how weird, women’s bodies are so random” but nope. They aren’t. There is a reason for that shit and IT MAKES SENSE HO MY GOD.
I temped when I was trying to get pregnant this time and found it SO fascinating. Before starting I .. guess I had a vague idea that your temperature rises and falls with ovulation but to see it actually happening months after month was so cool.
And I’m sorry to hear about your shitty year 🙁
1. I’m so sorry for all your troubles.
2. I LOVE THAT BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK, and even though it cannot magically get you pregnant, it DOES educate you like WHOA and help you figure out when you might need to kick things upstairs to a fertility doc!
Thank you Nicole! You are so sweet. And YES THAT BOOK. I want to start a campaign where it gets distributed to high school students and college students and medical professionals and ALL WOMEN IN AMERICA JUST TO EDUCATE THEM.
So sorry about your dad. That is difficult. Also, OMG why are people so all up in your damn uterus? They can just sit down and shut up.
I have heard of that book but not read it. I probably should since i am pushing 40 and my partner is making noises about baby #2 before it is too late, but we’ve had no success thus far. There is one my acupuncturist recommended, Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility by Sami S. David and Jill Blakeway, which I was using just to deal with PCOS, and it was darn good and very practical.
I hope things get better for you.
I’m going to start becoming one of those people who’s a BOOK EVANGELICAL because I just cannot say enough good things about it. IT’S SO FASCINATING. Even if you’re not trying to get pregnant it’s FASCINATING to see what’s going on in there. It’s like a window into your abdomen.
I’m sorry there is so much suck in your life right now. Internet hugs, if you want them.
I IMMEDIATELY requested that book from the library and as soon as I read it, I am so here to discuss.
YES COME BACK FOR DISCUSSION WHEN YOU’VE READ IT
That is a very groovy book! I am a very big fan of your comments and am sorry you’re having a rough year.
I’m also hoping for you that you have some kind of Internet place where you can talk about the fertility stuff that isn’t goddam Babycenter. It was a big comfort to me when I was not-conceiving my second daughter for what seemed like much much too long. You don’t understand the misery until you’re in it, really.
Thank god it’s a long weekend, The Toast. This week has had a lot of anxiety that is not going to abate any time soon: applications to [redacted] have opened, I got 8 inches of hair cut off, I’m potentially moving in a new direction at work… I need a few days to flop about & cook involved meals with the partner.
We’re getting a tease of fall weather today, so I thought I’d ask: what are you looking forward to cooking as the weather gets colder? Here’s my shortlist: baking with apples, roasted root vegetables, and hot tea to be drunk while preparing dinner.
APPLE PICKING. APPLE CIDER DONUTS. HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS!!!
Apple cider donuts, fresh from the grease. Mmmmmm.
that sounds like a busy week! but in a good way, i’d say?
i’m so excited for fall, it’s absurd. earlier this week i got up earlier than usual and it was dark and foggy outside, and it felt just like mornings in the autumn!
i’m excited for: ginger cookies, good-smelling crisp air, cozy sweaters and scarves, being able to watch the dancing pumpkin man video and having it feel seasonally-appropriate.
My only beef with fall is that it can’t possibly last long enough. My idea of heaven is a bike ride through autumn leaves on a trail that never ends.
agreed. i feel strongly enough about autumn that once, in a discussion on favorite seasons, i heatedly said, “ALL OTHER SEASONS ARE GARBAGE.”
…do you mind some company?
Not at all! The righteous riders will know the trail that is smooth, and just curvy and varying in inclination to make it a bit interesting without being a real chore, and conveniently-spaced rest stops with cookies and bagels and mulled cider and coffee, and the gentle hippie-looking dude will shake his head when you go to pay and say, “When I went flat you helped patch my tire, and when I was bonking you shared your Clif bars, and when I was just tired and discouraged you said, ‘Just a little further and you’ll be there’. Enjoy the Ride Eternal.”
We won’t speak of what awaits the cobags who didn’t know how to share the trail in life. Let’s just say it involves thorns, big ones and lots of ’em.
Oh this sounds of paradise.
…I would join any religion that advertised this as their heaven.
Ginger cookies, yes! Do you have a favorite recipe?
I just bought some black strap molasses & still have a couple cans of pumpkin in the pantry from last year. If I can incorporate ginger, too, I think I’ll have hit the Fall Trifecta and like, summon a decorative gourd demon or something.
i like martha’s classic “molasses ginger” recipe (here) but frankly, any kind of ginger-y cookie, i want to eat them all and i want to eat them now. i don’t care if they’re the tiny ginger cat-shaped ones that come in a plastic tub from trader joe’s or fancy ones from a bakery or whatever. i love ’em all!
Dorie Greenspan’s molasses ginger ones are my favourite, they have a tiny bit of ground black pepper in them.
Stuffed squash! Apple picking. I am thinking about hosting a friendsgiving potluck in my tine apartment for thanksgiving this year (I am canadian so our thanksgiving is nigh).
Stuffed squash! What do you like stuffing it with? As a vegetarian I feel like I should master the stuffed squash but I’ve never even really attempted it…
I have to wait for American Thanksgiving but it is my absolute favorite holiday and, as I live very far from family, I do Friendsgiving basically every year. It’s so much fun! I typically bring appetizers and a wine or something since older/more established friends usually host. Ask me about my cheese plate strategy!
…tell me your cheese plate strategy! i am intrigued and i love hearing about cheese.
I usually get 3 cheeses, one hard, one soft, and one crumbly. Two types of crackers: one bland, like a water cracker, to serve mainly as a cheese vector, and one strongly flavored, like a fruit and nut or whole wheat biscuit, to make for interesting flavor pairings. And for Thanksgiving, I veer sweet for accompaniments. Last year I did hot honey and these candied nuts which turned out so much better than I could have expected. People get enough salty from the cheese and from nibbling as they cook, so the sweet garnishes are super popular.
(If you want specific cheese recommendations I can do those too, haha. Can you tell I grew up in Wisconsin? I’m like a one woman dairy lobby…)
yummmm this sounds so good.
I would love some specific cheese recommendations! I love trying different cheeses when they are like in front of me at a party, but I tend to stick to the classics that I know I like (cheddar, Brie, etc) when I’m actually buying for myself; having some recs to look out for would be great!
Oh my gosh, you guys, humoring me and my cheese talk! It’s making me so happy.
If you like cheddar, you should check out Beecher’s Flagship and Trader Joe’s Unexpected Cheddar. Both are really fantastic. A little more outside the box: Humboldt Fog if you like bleu cheeses, anything by Sartori if you like parmesan (I especially recommend the espresso bellavitano, if you can find it!), and raclette if you don’t mind some funk. Raclette is kind of fun for parties because you’re supposed to warm it up and scrape bread through the gooey parts to eat it. It’s good at room temp, too, though!
i’m going to trader joe’s later today and i’m definitely going to pick up some unexpected cheddar. i love me some cheddar and the name makes me happy.
The espresso cheese also comes in a wine version that is equally delicious! My grocery store carried it all winter and it was glorious, but I haven’t seen it all summer and am hoping it makes a comeback soon.
Try Cotswold!
It’s Double Gloucester with chives and spring onions in it and it is my Favorite Cheese Of All Time.
oh boy, if you’re not already making your own fruit and nut crackers, try this recipe! http://www.simplebites.net/homemade-fruit-nut-cri…. They’re so good, and so easy. I always have a loaf ready in the freezer ready to be cut into crackers and baked again. People really do freak out when they find out you made them (just don’t tell ’em how super simple it is). Really easy to make gluten free as well. I’ve used all sorts of flours and they’ve all been awesome.
I sometimes roast squash and stuff it with black-bean chilli half way through baking. It’s surprisingly tasty!
Mine is a blend of various recipes I’ve found over the years, I do a mixture of onions and mushrooms sauteed with sage and thyme, bread, feta and pine nuts if I’m feeling fancy. I always make it for thanksgiving, whether I’m celebrating alone or with others, because stuffed food feels fancy, but I make it a few other times throughout the season too. It freezes fairly well for leftovers.
I hollow out a pumpkin, fill it with chopped leeps, gruyere and double cream, and bake it.
Acorn squash filled with a mixture of brown rice and feta or goat cheese and an egg yolk on top. It’s not unheard of to add a bunch of butter and a lot of black pepper when serving.
I stuff acorn squash with a mixture involving chorizo and it is divine. Trader Joes has a great veg chorizo for non meat eaters (tho it is great and should be consumed by carnivores as well).
So much tea! And hot apple cider, with an optional splash of whiskey added. I feel cozy just thinking about it.
There’s nothing I enjoy more when the weather cools off than apple cider and lentil soup. Delicioussss~
Baking bread. Can’t wait to try out a new recipe for baked pretzels a friend gave me!
So much soup. All of the soup. I have a great chicken stew recipe that I make constantly when it’s cool enough. And I’m hoping to find a better tomato soup recipe and try a potato or potato and bacon soup this year. mmmmmm.
If you’re looking for a good tomato soup, I tried this one last year and absolutely loved it. It’s a bit unconventional but it’s pretty easy– I kinda skipped the straining steps, and it turned out fine.
This is exactly what I want. I was making one that was delicious, but had a ton of ingredients and a bunch of heavy cream, which stopped me from making it too often. But this could actually be called healthy!
chicken stew recipe?
NO MORE BUGS. Well. Less bugs. Like fruit flies, the bane of my existence no matter how many cups of apple cider vinegar I put out.
Bugs, yeesh. I have had an INFLUX of centipedes to my room in the past week– I think they sense it’s getting colder. I don’t care. I hate them.
My household officially recognizes “fruit fly season,” which has different beginning and end dates than both official summer and weather summer.
I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL FRUIT FLY SEASON IS OVER AGAIN.
Lots of mushroom dishes. Tea every day. Congee. More hearty soups, and white bean chili with chard. Fall and winter are my favorite times to cook.
Crock pot everything!
While I normally like summer, I cannot wait for fall to arrive because this year (first world problems ahead) we cannot seem to find an air conditioner for the bedroom that doesn’t sound like it’s filled with ball bearings and beetles. I am a light sleeper and can’t fall asleep with any noise that isn’t steady. I start the night with earplugs, then wake up a few hours later with them in my hands, having pulled them out in my sleep due to aching ears. Then I can’t fall asleep because of the racket that the a/c makes. Then I turn the a/c off, but within about 10 minutes I start sweating and that’s usually when my fiance starts tossing and turning. I feel like I haven’t gotten a decent night’s sleep all summer. We bought a new a/c yesterday that also rattles so much that when I looked it up online, the first hit was a youtube video about how to fix it. So, I guess I’ll try that.
I can’t wait for cooler weather where I can just have the windows open and the fan on.
Mmmm… cool fall sleeps are the best.
Tea. Soup. High School Football.
I miss basically nothing about high school, but I lived in a Football Town and most of my male friends were on the team, and there was something so fantastic about night games in the thick of fall. Buying $1 cups of boiling hot Swiss Miss, cuddling with friends in the stands to stay warm, seeing the players’ breaths come out in wisps under the stadium lights…
I went to football games in HS because I was in the band and required, and people went, but I don’t recall that it was THE place to be.
Now I’m living in a different part of the country, my son is playing high school football, and the game is a major part of this town’s Friday nights. Everyone goes, and it’s a very pleasant inclusive buzz all night long. I was pleasantly surprised to learn how much I enjoy the whole experience.
Fall is already fully here for me (like, throw covers on the veggies last night as it got down to freezing-levels of fall) and I’m loving it. Yesterday I came out of work and the neighbours had mowed and had their wood stove going and the smell of freshly mowed grass and woodsmoke was wonderful. I can’t wait for stews, leaves in full colour, sweaters, and the moose and deer coming back into town.
oh god, your description of the wood stove smell has me in full-out longing and wistful mode over here. i love that smell and i can’t waaaaiiiitttt
Oh, I second the apple-baking, root veg, and tea!!
Personally I am looking forward to pumpkin pie (except I prefer to make it with a nice winter squash like a Sweetmeat), ginger cookies as others have mentioned, rice&mushrooms, and CARROT CAKE for my birthday! (Carrot cake for my upcoming birthday is a life-long tradition.)
There are a lot of reasons why I think I’m ready to move out of SF, and one of the biggest is FALL. I miss it so, so, so much. The weather never changes here, there’s no rhythm to the seasons, the passage of time. We get the fall produce in the farmers markets but the weather doesn’t match up, and it’s just not the same.
This thread is making me very very sad that I just moved to California (after living in NY and WI) and I won’t get the glorious fall foliage and crisp air. Someone told me that the leaves change here, but I know it will be a pale imitation of Central New York. That said, I do totally still plan to go apple picking, make a gingery butternut squash soup, and listen to all of my pensive back-to-school fall mixes that I’ve made for the past ten or so years.
They don’t change color so much as they just dry out and fall off the trees at once in a strong gust of wind. Less “glorious piles of multi-colored, crunchy leaves”, more “brown leaves so crisp they turn to dust underfoot (and get in your damn eyes when the wind blows”). 🙁
This thread is making me sad I’m moving from SoCal to NY in october! I mean, fall is cool and all but behind fall lurks february. I ‘m gonna miss my endless summers.
Chili! Made with some fall beer, both for the chili and for me.
Making chicken with dumplings, having snacks and tea on the couch under a blanket with the windows open, cooking with stock. I’m so excited!
I was in the Adirondacks last weekend, where it is much cooler (especially at night) than it is here in NYC, and I made my family-recipe chili for the first time since… March?… and it was GLORIOUS. Basically I’m looking forward to anything I can BAKE in my oven, not just defrost-and-warm-through. I am as tired of frozen taquitos as anyone with a heart really could be.
Apple baking (pies, tarts, sauce, whatever).
Veggie stews.
Gingerbread loaf. Spice cookies of various kinds (piparkakut, pfeffernusse).
FALLLL YESSSS.
Chili and squash soup and big messes of root-vegetable hash with eggs on. Breakfast soup will make a comeback, almost certainly. Baked potatoes with Heinz beans and cheddar cheese. GALLONS OF CIDER.
Tell me of your breakfast soup! Is it leftover any type of soup or do you like certain kinds for breakfast?
Apple-pear sauce (that and good grapefruit/oranges are my cold-weather fruit staples). Butternut squash soup. Vegetable lasagna. A mushroom stew my husband’s been bugging me to make for months. Basically, anything that simmers or cooks for a while, but I no longer think about my mega-BTU range throwing off enough heat to make the kitchen unbearable (as has been the case since, oh, July 1 or so).
Dog thread!
Here is Duga chewing her bone.
And then a few minutes later here is Nebo after he stole it from her.
We can have 20 chew toys lying around and the only good one is the toy the other dog is already chewing.
Presented without comment:
Have just forwarded that image to my partner with your exact caption
I just burst out laughing. Dogs are such goofballs.
BIG DOGGIES! I want lots of big dogs, they are the best.
Definitely! This is a great thread!
Saami pretending to be two years younger and a different breed:
Tuva pretending to be an alligator:
Shelter pups of the week!
this week has been a rough one, healthwise, and even though i was prepared for it, i’m tired. so even though i already missed a lot of work, i’m looking forward to the long weekend. i think i might be slightly overdoing it on the treat-yourself front, especially given my medical bills, but…eh. right now, i truly don’t care. once the workday is over, i’m off to buy cookies (doubly inspired by the bartender) and sweaters!
on the plus side, i mega-cleaned my apartment in preparation for my mom staying with me through my medical procedures, and i realized i actually like my apartment when it’s clean. it’s so cute!
That IS a super cute apartment! I love your couch 🙂
thank you! it’s the cheapest couch ikea has to offer…but snazzed up with a quilt my mom made back in the day, so i don’t have to stare at the boring navy blue fabric, haha.
So cute!!
thank you!
I love the orange fur!
haha, when i bought that, i found out when i got home that it was intended to be a pillow/bed for a small dog, i think. i was like, who cares, it’s my orange furry pillow now.
It looks so, so cute! I love the colours (plus, I can tell you from experience: coming home from the hospital to a clean, fresh apartment makes it soooo much easier).
thanks! and yesss, being able to come home and fall into a bed with clean sheets and no jumble or disorganization around me was a huge relief.
Having a clean living space can make such a difference, and your place looks ADORABLE! (so does your outfit, from what I can see in the mirror.)
yes, it always makes me feel so much better but then i forget about it and let the dust, the books, the laundry all pile up…oops.
and thank you!
Is that…a cat pillow in the middle of the couch (the black & white one)?
I AM SO INTO IT. (And the rest of this apartment!)
yes! it’s meant to look like my family’s old cat. my mom made it for me when i left for college years ago. i got it in the mail and immediately burst into tears, haha. the cat is no longer with us, but i’m keeping that pillow forever.
eeeee! That is lovely! I would keep it forever too.
Your apartment is adorable and I love it.
thank you!!
Your place is adorbs! And so cleeeaaaaaaaaannnnn!!!! Come over and let’s do mine and we can commiserate over health bullshit and moms and whatever and buy sweaters and cookies and whatever else you want.
thank you!! in all seriousness though i love cleaning other people’s rooms—probably because i’m a big ol’ snoop, haha.
Late to the open thread but your flat is so cute! I have just moved (er…two months ago) and I really want a similar feel to mine: so bright and happy! For now most things are still in boxes (…I’m slow) but your flat is great inspiration!
thank you!! that is one of the best compliments i’ve ever received and i will remember it fondly next time i get bored with my apartment!
Art history, Toasties: one of the primo queer images in sculpture is Zeus abducting Ganymede. Generally there’s an eagle lifting him to the heavens, his dogs baying for him, very sad and majestic. Sometimes there’s this:
You come here often?
‘Nice ringlet mullet. Who does your hair? Wanna get out of here?
How old did you say you were? Hah, just joking, idgaf if you’re eagle.
EDIT: shoulda gone with “barely eagle”.
I think this is the Most Zeus I’ve ever seen from a depiction of Zeus-as-seductive-animal. That’s incredible.
Hey, how YOU doin’, Mr. Eagle?
Making out with birds in art history is definitely something that exists and is …. Peculiar.
In response to yesterday’s question of the what the hell is it animal. Clearly it is a time traveling cat. Specifically a time traveling Jamie, lord and master of my younger sister, shinyhairtoomuchheart.
Possibly a metaphor for some type of sin.
Filled with loathing.
No neck. Just body and head.
Built like a fluffy tank.
No lower limbs have ever been confirmed.
Not a wolverine, but a warning.
Examine the evidence for yourselves. Embrace the truth. Teach the controversy. Feed the cat.
I was out last night and had missed the moment by the time I saw the post today – I had been going to comment saying it was not only a cat but actually my cat, but it’s clearly yours.
::heart grows three sizes despite creampuff wolverine’s warning stare::
Hmmm. Is that tiny tortie in the second-to-last picture named Judy by any chance? Because she looks a lot like this one:
It is in fact a baby Boudicca. I believe that was the day after he taught her how to successfully slaughter small animals.
Any Boudicca would definitely need to be up on their slaughtering skills, so good job there.
WHAT A FLUFF MONSTER, I AM IN LOVE.
The catbox image. SO GOOD.
That cat looks exactly like what would have happened if my two cats had ever had kittens together. I hope their spirits live on (although I am not sure how both of their spirits would live on in one cat, as one was a tolerant and mostly-benevolent ruler of the household and one was a fairly skittish outdoor cat who would sometimes randomly claw and bite us).
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I might love you.
Also, that little kittyboots, with the two-face? I have one of those. She is a bitch for the ages (clearly, I am her bio mom). If you have not heard the term “tortitude”, look it up and brace yourself.
I read about tortitude after my mother got her as a kitten, but I didn’t believe.
I do now.
It’s a long weekend for the American Toasties! Shall we kick it off right with another gif party???
Weekend plans:
It’s also a long weekend in Canada!
(I’m not trying to be sassy but I was looking for a Canada gif and this is what came up! It seems appropriate.)
(i’m delighted y’all have a long weekend too!)
Oscar Leroy always kills me. Enjoy the long weekend!
okay I cannot actually stop laughing at this
I needed this weekend. Will come back next week with pictures of old men on tractors. (Cause I’m hitting up the parade. Gonna get me some poutine. Gonna try to catch me a German or two.)
I’m going to the country, where the only old man on a tractor will be my dad. No Germans or poutine. But it’ll be great.
I’m pretty sure there will be a high chance of dads on tractors in my future too. Coloneldad gave me a full update on all of his long weekend plans. Because I really do care that he’s mowing. And working on eagle scout projects. But I do care that he’s doing a low country boil at some point.
Oh no! Not the Germans!
Mmm. German officers. Some of the only students on campus close to my own age. I’m going to go through them like a wildfire if I have anything to say about. I could probably fit all five in my VW Beetle.
Coming in late to say I’ll be back next week with pictures of a sheep drive in small town MT. There is supposed to be a round bale pushing race. I can’t wait.
Yessss. Rural Labor Day comparison pics in the future.
My mother-in-law is visiting so this is me right now:
where is this glorious Anders gif from???
I found it on giphy and love it 🙂
he’s just so maliciously pretty and fed up
IT’S BEYONCE’S BIRTHDAY.
Happy Birthday, Queen!
SO. READY.
Great idea!
Ditto.
bless you for starting this beautiful thread
Awwww thanks
I have SO MUCH FUN digging up the best possible gifs, so I’m just glad people are willing to play along
Also I’ve noticed a bunch of new Toasties and new blogs lately! Let’s share around our blogs, Etsy shops, Tumblrs, whatever you want to share with the Toastie universe.
My blog is Young Adult Historical Vault, I recap and review kids and YA historical fiction from the 80s,90s, and 2000s, including Dear America and trashy romance. http://yahistoricalvault.wordpress.com
Share!
There HAS been a bunch of new people around here, hasn’t there? Wonderful! I have an Etsy shop and a a Tumblr, one of which desperately needs restocking before the holiday season and the other which I mostly use to admire other Toasties’ obsessions and occasionally reblog weird shit. Actually they’re both full of weird shit. Spooky Toastfaces, LET’S BE FRIENDS.
Lemme get a (super late) shout-out for chesh–her jewelry is BEAUTIFUL! I wore my ouija board necklace just yesterday!
Oh you! <3 You got yours before Frances Cobain got hers, because you’re 100% cooler than Hollywood model/artists.
Ooh I can’t wait for people to post the Rad Stuff they do! Also one of my roommate’s birthdays is coming up so… lemme at ur etsys, Toast.
(Also, it’s not mine, but can I plug said roommate’s Etsy? https://www.etsy.com/shop/middledune She does amazing things. And they’re not up yet, but check back for her new holiday cards– I’ve seen the prototypes and they are the most beautiful.)
I love those chevron notebooks!
My movie recap blog which I haven’t updated in a long time is http://recapscallion.blogspot.com
And I post some TV recaps (RuPaul’s Drag Race/Doctor Who/The OC) and pop culture commentary on this blog that former Videogum commenters started after the demise of Videogum (*sniff*): https://vgum.wordpress.com/author/catweazlol/
Yay! I love sharing online things with everyone! Hi to all the new Toasties, and welcome to the best most angry/lovely part of the internet.
Tumblr: antiquelands.tumblr.com
My BFF’s etsy where she makes amazing animal-related cards: https://www.etsy.com/shop/erinaellis
I’ve purchased and am enjoying some of her cards! Winterbymorning, you should receive one of her cards soon, from me.
That’s awesome to hear! Thank you!!!
I guess I’m new-ish, haha. I don’t have a straight-up blog, but my tumblr is (shocker): http://burningupasun.tumblr.com! It’s a mix of RTD-era Doctor Who (mostly Rose/Doctor), pre-S5 TWD (mostly Beth/Daryl), and other random things. Oh, and my instagram full of my kitty pics is floofykitties!
I’d link my AO3 account, but I have a feeling there aren’t too many people here who read Bethyl (TWD) fanfiction, haha. It’s a small(ish) group.
Haven’t written a new post for this blog in 4 years, but I’m still proud of a lot of the writing there: http://theboxblogproject.blogspot.com/ I just moved, and have been thinking about starting it up again!
I’m a new person! Hello!
I’m a professional graphic designer/illustrator but I post my personal work on tumblr. I reblog a lot of indie/small press comics and artwork. I also tweet sometimes, but it’s mostly a bunch of pictures of silly signs, my cats, and x-files jokes.
Hello and welcome! May I ask advice? My niece is 15 and showing lots of artistic talent. Her sketchbooks are amazing. I want to give her a book to introduce her to graphic design. Is there a classic that covers the basics you can recommend? Thanks.
If you’re looking for an overview of the field and what a designer might do, I would recommend Graphic Design: The New Basics by Ellen Lupton. Communication Arts magazine does annuals (a “photography annual” or an “illustration annual”) that are image-heavy magazines filled with cool work that people are doing in the field. Also, depending on what your niece likes to draw, there may be more specific books out there for her. (Say, if she likes lettering and typography, there’s a fantastic book about Louise Fili called Elegantissima.)
Also, this one isn’t a book and it’s for much younger kids, but I think this Medium article is a great and simple way of explaining what graphic design is and why it’s important to someone who may not be familiar with it as a career path.
Hope that helps!
Exactly what I was hoping for! Thanks so much.
I posted in last week’s open thread but I think it was a bit buried – but I have just started blogging about girly nostalgia, nerd culture and other fun things at http://www.tattooedtrilobite.com!
I just want to tell you that your potato chip review post caused me to go out and buy a bag of Biscuits and Gravy Lays and they were delicious. Surprisingly spicy though.
Ahhh this is high praise! I’m glad you liked them, though! I’m trying to dissuade people from the truffle fry chips. That may be Too Much Potato (nonsense, there is no such thing as Too Much Potato)
I am SO EXCITED for your blog I can’t even fathom! !!!!
I hope I can get some actual nostalgia things queued this weekend! I may start out with the My Little Pony Petites, since BFF found some Original Packaging while cleaning her room!
When you posted about this last week I got SO EXCITED! But I am seriously afraid of most of these chip flavors. The entire front deli/counter area at a Subway I went to was filled with nothing but the weird flavor chips and I thought “WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!?” and figured out that they were stocking all of the old/boring chips around the corner.
That said, if one’s goal for the year were to try things outside of one’s comfort zone… what chip would you recommend trying first so as to not completely crush my psyche?
Keep up the great work! (Also, I’ve been enjoying your nostalgic photos on twitter- memories!)
Aww! If you are looking to try something that is a little out there, but still close enough for comfort, give the West Coast Truffle Fries a shot. I find them really, really similar to sour cream and onion, maybe a bit earthier! but they are definitely Different, and still yummy!!
Hello new Toasties!
I’m http://amyofdoom.tumblr.com/ and I’m amyofdoom on twitter & instagram (lots of cat pictures).
I also run http://ffordefans.tumblr.com/ which is a tumblr for fans of Jasper Fforde books (we post anything tangentially related to those so there’s lots of stuff about color, Shakespeare, reading/books, and cloning as well)
My tumblr is lady-bane which is like 50% shitposts and 50% me crying about anime. I also have a sandbox games blog (which is literally only sims 2 and minecraft at this point whoops) and a weird fashion blog that has all my Polyvore and Colourlovers things on it!
Def checking out your fashion blog when I’m home from work. Also, a sandbox games blog is a fantastic idea! I always take a bunch of screenshots when I’m playing the elder scrolls but never share them with anyone.
Hi!!! I’m Ashley aka @womyn_ebooks on twitter! I don’t have a blog exactly, but I do have a Sailor Moon podcast and I contribute to its hosting blog, POMEgranate Magazine!
Me and my pal just did a post casting Parks and Rec characters as Star Wars characters so, you know, check it out, it’s silly. <3 <3
OH HAI I DID NOT KNOW YOU HAD A SM PODCAST, SUBSCRIBING AS SOON AS I GET HOME
XD <3
I’m a newbie! Hello! I don’t have a blog but since we’re all sharing links, here’s Tom Hardy taking his dog to a movie premiere: http://www.buzzfeed.com/kimberleydadds/i-want-to-…
I love this very much but where is Taron Egerton in these pictures??
My Criminal Minds recap blog: https://unsubmary.wordpress.com/
It includes lots, and lots, and lots of Reid pics.
I have a tinyletter where I take 10 mental steps back to figure out how I learned something. Usually I theme it, but sometimes it’s a mixed bag. I send it out Thursday afternoons mainly to my friends and relatives, but also like 3 strangers seem to enjoy it!
The theme of this week was animal feet brought to you (inadvertantly) by the letter G – gecko toe curling, Gisele’s “horse walk” and geese running on water.
http://tinyletter.com/hjroaf/letters/10-steps-bac…
I have a fun Tumblr showcasing movies and other media that have respectful and realistic depictions of plants. So far it’s mostly Studio Ghibli screenshots. I’d love to get more ideas/guest posts, so if you check it out and anything comes to mind defo contact me (however you do this on Tumblr I guess? I am new to the platform).
I also have a blog where I write about fantasy literature, environmental history, and postmodernism. It’s mostly a place to explore ideas and practice writing/researching but I would be very pleased to engage in discussion or just know someone got something out of it. It is also meant to be fun but there may be too many references to medieval environmental history for that to stick for most people. And postmodernism scares people away too, which is a shame 😮 I also want to make it prettier at some point but my patience for design and formatting is limited; reading and writing are much more fun.
Your plant tumblr is such a cool idea! Just followed you!
I have a tumblr. It’s mostly Mad Max Fury Road meta reblogs – http://a-leafy-seadragon.tumblr.com
TUMBLR PARTY I’m revealmyselfinvincible and I mostly post cute animals, feminism things, and many different fandoms.
unrelated but oh my gosh i love your toast username
Also, everyone should know about the toast connections spreadsheet where you can put as much info as you feel comfortable giving out! And find everyone else’s blog/twitter/etsy/etc.
My main tumblr is renleigh.tumblr.com which is by and large reblogs, though I keep thinking I’ll start writing crap and putting it there. I guess I’m mostly into MCU and X-Men these days, and random comics that make me laugh.
My weird novelty side tumblr is michaelfassbendertouchingthings.tumblr.com and I REALLY need to update that because it’s been months and thus there are a lot more pictures of him touching stuff out for me to post.
Tumblr: hawthorncrataegus.tumblr.com
Oh my god your blog is amazing! I’ve forgotten about all of those; I remember being obsessed with the Royal Diaries series when I was little! I’m curious what you would think of The Ashes of Roses — it’s one I read as an adult that I liked a lot, it’s about the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire.
I started up a blog recently about medicinal plants — http://herbsanshit.tumblr.com/ It started off because I wasn’t there to do an herb walk for some people I know, so I figured I’d just post it online, and since then I add to it occasionally.
Thank you!!! I actually have that book on my list because I know I read it as a teenager but I’ve been having trouble laying my hands on a copy. (Canada.) I want to read it again though!
I have an etsy…mostly at the moment I’m selling off my last Hogwarts-inspired bags, but there are a couple of costume pieces up as well right now if you know of any Rings fans. https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/perianiel
My blog is not… updated on the regular. http://underemployedlibrarian.blogspot.com/
Mostly book reviews, though my most recent posts were a series of live blogs while watching Tommy Wiseau’s The Room for the first time…. need to post more general stuff so I guess this gives me reason to do so.
I also have a blog called How A Mother Feels http://howamotherfeels.blogspot.com/ which is- yup. About parenting stuff. I haven’t done anything with this blog in a while because I am unsure of my (singular) tone and think it would work better with other contributors? So if you want to contribute parenting stuff, hit me up: [email protected]
I’m not new, but I don’t comment often. I write a float trip blog, where I post photographs and descriptions of the kayaking trips I take. https://fllog.wordpress.com/
Oh gosh, I missed this and I’m SO LATE I’m sure nobody will see it, but just in case!
My Etsy store
My Tumblr
and (god help me I’m still on it) My LJ
Outlander was on super sale at Audible recently, so I bought it. Toasties, am I going to love it or hate it??? I’m not usually one for romance novels, but I’ve been kind of interested in getting into that genre recently (mostly because of awesome discussions on this very website). It’s 30 hours of listening so I guess I have plenty of time to decide what I think…
PS – Monday is my birthday so I have graciously made it a US national holiday so you all can celebrate. You’re welcome.
Loved outlander, loved the first sequel, have become increasingly meh with each successive book. Haven’t read them in a looong time though. The lord John books (spinoff about a minor character who is also a gay man) are also pretty good.
I had a LOT of feelings about it. I think it’s definitely worth reading, but there’s a lot of uncomfortable stuff — sexual violence, an extremely negative take on homosexuality, a part I skipped with someone killing a bunch of wolves, et cetera. The romance stuff is a lot of fun, the time travel mechanics are really interesting, and it’s engrossing the whole time, so I’m just very split on it in general.
This is all stuff for me to watch out for- thanks! I’ve heard about some of the sexual violence stuff elsewhere, and I think I can handle it but am obviously not thrilled it’s there at all.
I liked it, and the audiobooks are very well done. I was about 19 when I first read it though (14 years ago) and I am not sure if I would like it as much if I was reading it for the first time now. You kind of have to embrace the (very well-researched) meanderings on medicinal plants, history and war and just wander along with the story (especially if you stay with the series), but I like that kind of thing if I know what I’m in for.
I can get down with the meandering history stuff for sure! Is that the reason you don’t think you’d like it if you read it now, or is it because of something else?
I think I’d have more of a critique of the way she handles sexual violence reading it now (not that she gets it all wrong, but it’s a plot she returns to over and over throughout the series), and some of the later books have some questionable portrayals of people of colour (although again, she doesn’t get it all wrong). Stuff to watch out for, for sure.
oh man, I think there’s a lot of split opinions on this one. I tore through the entire series in a month with a sort of “watching a trainwreck in process” mindset, and enjoyed them a lot. Some of the stuff in the first book especially imo, is pretty cringe-worthy and questionable, and I know people who haven’t been able to enjoy it at all. I found the other stuff compelling enough to continue, but it’s definitely a YMMV situation.
I got about 75% through the first book, and was mostly enjoying it, but then somehow it just got to be…too much? IDK. I’m not entirely sure why, but it just was starting to annoy me. I should finish it but.
Happy Birthday, my internet twin! I tell people they made my birthday a national holiday Every.Time.It.Happens.
It’s been a while, Toasts, so: Self-care thread! How are you being kind to yourself these days?
Flossing regularly. I recently went to the dentist for the first time in [redacted] years, and it was sort of nightmarish and they scraped so much junk off my teeth and my mouth bled a lot. So I’m not going to let that happen again, and I figure the best way is flossing. Right now I’m literally sitting at my desk flossing (don’t worry, no one is around) because I can never remember to do it in the evenings.
Urg I know it’s so weird but my partner and I floss while watching TV at the end of the night? Helps make it an activity that is approaching “fun.”
I always have to add to flossing discussions that the Reach flosser is the greatest thing since, like, the really great thing before it. No sticking your fingers in your mouth, no gagging while working around the back teeth (if you have a sensitive gag reflex like me). I kinda… like flossing now. And at my cleaning the other day my gums were awesome! (The falling-apart tooth I neglected for a year… that’s another story…)
Note: The Reach flosser heads do have round, narrow floss, so if you need the flat kind they won’t work.
Note the second: The name brand, not the cheaper kind, is well worth it. The heads attach/detach much more easily and stay on securely.
With wedding- and work-related stressors building up, I’m making appointments for some spa treatments that I very, very rarely indulge in: mani/pedi the night before the wedding, massage and facial the day before that. I can’t wait.
ETA: massage and facial are booked!! I am SO EXCITE
I’m going to start lifting! Got my barbell all ready, now I’ve just got to make a plan.
Also: reviewing the role that guilt plays in my life and being conscious of how/when I’m feeling guilty.
Also also: I’m buying new glasses, not because I need them but just because I really want a funky pair.
I don’t barbell (yet!), but even just using the machines at my gym, strength training is so rewarding! and, dare I say, fun? It’s a totally different feeling from any other kind of fitness activity I’ve ever done. It’s coming up on a year since I started doing it regularly, and it’s such a great quality-of-life thing.
I downloaded an app the other day that lets you make flowcharts super easily, and I put together one called I Want To Buy Something. I use it to figure out why I want to buy that thing (it doesn’t count for things like groceries and basic household goods), and whether I actually like it or I’m just bored/I just got paid and don’t know what to do with myself/I’m drunk on the atmosphere of downtown Portland.
It sounds weird, but I’ve been so much happier thinking through a potential impulse buy than I am spending the next afternoon at the returns desk of three or four different stores. I have way more free time to do things that are *way* more fun, like write or go on walks or watch movies. 😀
That sounds like an amazing flowchart.
Whoa, what is this app??
I have NOT replied to a passive-aggressive email from my mother for over a week. Ignoring it is causing some anxiety, but I’ve really been trying to avoid the toxic suckhole of dealing with my family and it is WORKING.
Also I bought this fancy mocha iced coffee stuff, and I have been using it COUNTER TO INDICATION to dilute my morning americanos instead of water.
This is going to sound really dumb, but: eyeliner. I LOVE IT and I bought a really nice cruelty-free one (Too Faced Bulletproof) that goes on really easily and I feel AWESOME every time I look in the mirror. Self-confidence is key for me. Anyway, now I am looking for a nice pale beige one.
Um, I am also starting flossing regularly again, which is slightly less flighty…
That does not sound dumb in the least. It sounds, in fact, like the definition of self-care.
By being sad and not beating myself up for being sad.
Yeah, I plan on doing some things to help lessen the sadness, everything from coloring to writing to seeing movies to exercising again, but also making peace with the fact that I don’t always have to be happy or angry or feeling very intensely about things.
This is absolutely amazing. <3
This is so important actually! It can be really hard to do. Good job you! <3
I’ve been allowing myself to replace things that need replacing, especially things that will make me feel more human. For instance, I’ve had the same gigantic billowy pair of lounge pants for years, and now that I work at home most of the time I replaced them with some nice palazzo pants and some cute but comfortable loungey tops, so that even though I’m in my “working from home” outfit I still feel a bit more dressed up than usual.
I bought a one-month fitness pass to the local rec, and attended Aquafit! Holy cow, did I ever sleep well afterward.
I’ve oddly been finding that cleaning helps me a lot. I’m making a tangible difference to something around me, actively making something better. And because it’s hard work, it doesn’t come with the guilty feelings of “I should be doing more” that I get when I try to do typical relaxing/pampering things. (Somehow I’ve internalized the idea that I am a Beacon of Sin and I should never be nice to my body or mind ever.) I work hard, and then I can smile at how nice my kitchen/living room/bathroom looks, and I feel like I can relax.
Late as late can be, but seconding cleaning like there’s no tomorrow. It helps me relax, I’m genetically designed for it, and honestly, I’m damn good at it. But I didn’t really do much for the longest time. Because appearances/surroundings don’t matter, etc. Then I picked up a copy of Sex and the Single Girl of all things at a garage sale. The chapter on apartments started off all ‘men, men, men,’ but then “You must value yourself to be successfully single, however, and you must sincerely believe that you deserve beautiful surroundings.”
Mind blown. It really was a bit. Opening the door to a clean, nice apartment (when the cat hasn’t upended a potted plant) is the best.
I’m trying to remember that cooking can be fun and relaxing. While I was unemployed I felt obliged to cook as much as possible and it made me get bored of my kitchen.
Now that I’m not home all day every day, I’m going back to some beloved recipes and enjoying myself again!
This is so sad and pathetic but I’m doing my grad comps and working and also there’s the usual housework and my commute is between an hour and an hour and a half each way so I end up having very little time to myself where I’m not doing schoolwork. SO. Since my morning commute is super crowded and I’m usually hanging off a strap on both BART and the bus, I decided that in the morning, I get to read fiction on my phone. And that is how I stay sane.
Edit: Gosh, I guess that finishing my B.A. (and then going on to grad school) was my original self-care, so maybe I should stop complaining about being busy!
Reading fiction on your phone on public transportation = A+ self-care
Also congrats on pursuing your education for you!
Makeup thread! I’m finally running out of my old concealer (covergirl/olay simply ageless) which is tragically discontinued. Any recs for a good cream concealer? I generally use it for undereye redness, if that matters.
Benefit “erase paste” is good. It’s a little pricy for a small tub of it, but you don’t have to use much so it lasts a long time.
I love the smashbox concealer because it doesn’t crease during the day.
Seconding the Smashbox concealer!
My own makeup question: I’m looking for a deep red lipstick for fall, like MAC’s Diva or Hang-up. My main criteria are: not drying (which rules out pretty much all liquid lipsticks) and won’t vanish from the top edge of my bottom lip, both problems I have with Diva and Hang-Up.
In lieu of a new lipstick, what about a lip liner? Filling your lips in with one will help your lipstick last longer.
Ooh ooh I may have a recommendation for you! I just this morning tried Besame lipstick for the first time and (though I am only 2 hours in to wearing it) am a fan. It’s pricier than drugstore lippie, but not as costly as a lot of fancy brands, you can get it directly from the company or via Sephora (but online only). So far I find it has great staying power, though it’s not an “official” long-lasting formula so it’s not drying like those tend to be nor will you need a power washer to take it off. It’s not moisturizing, as such, but it doesn’t seem to be drying my lips out at all which is a big concern for me, and I haven’t had any bleeding/feathering. I think it takes a little bit to get the hang of applying it – it’s not sticky, but it has “grip” if that makes sense? Anyway, I am a fan and they have a ton of great reds, the packaging is gorgeous, and they make Agent Carter’s lipstick of choice so what’s not to love. Maybe this Noir Red is what you’re looking for?
That’s the Agent Carter lipstick! #sorrynotsorry I’m looking for a new lipstick too…I seem to have lost mine during my 8 day international roadtrip/move. It was l’oreal ballerina shoes one and I liked the colour but it had glitter in it (which I did not realize when buying it) that made it feel a bit grainy. Maybe I’ll try one of the besame ones.
I really love Bite’s creme lipsticks. They’re pretty long-lasting and super creamy. My lips never feel dry, which I’ll take in exchange for having to reapply every 3-4 hours and after I eat or drink. My go-to red is Pomegranate.
DUH I just saw this and should have posted here instead of above. I’m looking for a cream-colored eyeliner, nothing shiny, just something to brighten up my eyes a little. Any suggestions?
I’m a big fan of Urban Decay’s Venus: http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp…
NYX Wonderpencil? Milani Almond Cream?
Second NYX Wonder pencil!
I would appreciate any recommendations for drugstore/cheapish foundation. I’m fairly pale and fairly oily, as well as being kind of cool-toned/more pink-neutral than warm.
I’ve been using Neutrogena’s shine control liquid foundation and have been really liking it for my needs; it’s not really heavy coverage but I’m very pale (also cooler toned) with a tendency to get red in the face easily and it does a good job of toning that down.
Second on the Neutrogena Shine Control makeup (link to it at ulta). It’s more lightweight coverage than I’d like (although honestly what I’d like would be the ’50s era matte foundation look, so keep that in mind) , but it does the job and it’s caused zero breakouts.
I am super pale myself, and virtually no drugstore foundations match me.
If you’re not that pale, either Revlon Colorstay (Combination/Oily formula) in 110, or L’Oreal True Match (original) in C1 or N1 (or you could get both and mix).
Ooh, makeup! What is everyone’s favorite $15-or-less BB or CC cream, for oily skin?? In the past I’ve used Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream, and I may go back to that, but I wanted to try some new stuff. I wear a moisturizer with SPF every day, so I don’t really need it to have sunscreen.
Someone online recommended L’Oreal MAGIC SKIN BEAUTIFIER BB CREAM (I have to type it in all caps because the name is so ridiculous) because it’s nice and mattifying… but it really doesn’t seem to want to match my skin. I tried medium and light both, and they both seemed kinda… orangey. The light actually looked okay in natural light, but every time I looked at myself in the mirror inside I saw orange.
UGH why is it so hard. I also just constantly look tired (I mean, I pretty much constantly AM tired) because of my under eye circles, so everything is a mess basically.
I hear you! I hate when ppl ask if I’m tired 🙁
Right? Yes, I’m exhausted, but how dare you.
Under eye circle fistbump of solidarity
I’m a fan of the Givenchy Mister Light pen, which does wonders for my dark-as-hell undereye circles. But they’re more dark than red, so YMMV.
Follow up to NEW KITTEN WEEKEND! This is what happened:
My boyfriend was ecstatic and wanted to take home all the kittens, but this is the little girl we picked out. She and our older cat get along swimmingly. New Kitten Weekend was an all-around success!
oh my goodness, she is adorableeeee. what’s her name?
Our other cat is Bigfoot so we named the little one Nessie. Got a whole apartment full of cryptids.
😀 that is perfect.
D’awwwwwwwwwwwww
YAY KITTEN!!
UGH I’m so envious of your perfect goofy kitten I NEED A MILLION OF THEM
I definitely need 999,999 more of them now.
She is soooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuute like OMG.
Those ears! That paw! Those big eyes!
My heart exploded. I blame your kitten. DAMN YOU CUTEBOOTS SASSYKITTENFACE MACGUFF! DAMN YOU.
Now tell us her name. And post many follow-up pics in the saga of the green bug she has. kthx.
this is one VERY ADORABLE KITTEN! i have recently gotten into fostering so i can have lots of kittens all the time!
if anyone in the Los Angeles area is looking to adopt, I have 5 friendly, playful and loving tabbies & maine coon mixes for adoption. we will be at Burbank Pet Plaza this Sunday for their 12-3pm adoption event.
THE EAR HAIR. I die.
Time zone differences usually prevent me from taking part in the OT, so I’m very happy to be here today! Had a very unfun week; the only thing that cheered me up was reading Growing Pains of Adrian Mole. Sue Townsend was (sob!) a genius. Pauline Monica Mole (P.M.M.) is my spirit animal. Actually no, Bert Baxter is my spirit animal.
Curious: do any online resources exist for adult children of autistic spectrum parents (diagnosed or otherwise)? I’ve only really been able to find resources for the opposite relationship.
I’m not sure if this is what you are looking for or if this will be helpful but there is this which seems more of a support group -https://aspar.wordpress.com/
And there is this UK resource sheet- http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/paren…
I am always off timelines, so welcome to the late show, starring us! *confetti*
Intrigued by your children of autistic parents query, asking around for resources.
Hurray for the late show! After Hours Open Thread! 🙂
Bartender’s Mom: how do I pay you to make those cookies for me forever? They look so. good. bring them to me.
Toasties, my current Twitter account is locked and very much a part of my life because of fandom. I would like to set up a new Twitter for a) interacting with Toast people and b) establishing an online RL presence adjacent to the publishing world, as I try to encourage myself to finish various writing projects and etc. (I don’t want it to be about self-promoting, I just sometimes want to participate in conversations, but locked and not wanting to cross fannish/RL streams.)
(Topic for another time: Actually I could stand to learn about how ppl get past their fear of/training against self-promotion, too. I’m not opposed to it in any way for other people but so horrified by the idea of thinking/acting like my own writing has any merit etc that I wind up not writing/not doing anything with my writing. Self-confidence, how does that work?)
Anyway, should those be two separate Twitters, leaving me with three in total? I assume some of you are in a similar place – how do you navigate?
Also, I know there’s a Google doc out there with Toast Twitters, but I’ve lost the link. Could I be relinked?
I think it’s not a bad idea to have a separate account for RL networking/self-promotion purposes. Much as I hate the concept of branding, I tend to think of social media accounts in those terms. I only have one Twitter at the moment and it’s not under my real name so I can just tweet whatever garbage I want, but if I actually wanted to accomplish something with it I would absolutely start a new account.
Yes, right. The concept of branding is so foreign to how I’ve used social media up to this point, and I tend to think of getting involved in discussions as just something I like to do, BUT. It is branding/networking if what you like to do is on the verge of becoming what you want to do professionally.
That helps me clarify my intentions – thank you!
Oh! I am also interested in this.
I was on twitter completely passively for a long time, following work and Toast/ not-work things. Work is activist-y, so there’s definitely overlap. But then I wrote something my boss wanted to tweet about, and wanted me to tweet about, so now that is a professional account. I can tweet whatever I want, it belongs to me, but I want it to be a professional image.
Now that I am occasionally tweeting, I would like to be tweeting with Toasties, so I’m thinking about creating another account. I also feel awkward because my account is part of the Toast groups and a bunch of Toasties have kindly followed me who were probably looking for fun Toasty talk and not wonky links about a particular area, but that account is now the later.
So, listening for any tips people have on this.
Ah, yes, that’s slightly messy. Sometimes the inside details on another person’s industry are fascinating, but it can be hard to offer someone sympathy or a joke, maybe, from what may be a more professional Twitter account. Interesting conundrum, hope this thread can be helpful to you!
Here’s the Toastie GoogleDoc spreadsheet link!
Oh you even made a pretty hyperlink out of it! I always just paste the gobbledygook.
(v. happy to see my autocorrect knows how to spell gobbledygook.)
As a brand new Toastie, this is so cool! (tumblr AND steam !!!) Does one add oneself?
Yup, just add your info in as you see fit!
Thank you very much! I’ve made a Toast Twitter with my usual Toast handle, and I’m off to follow people now! 🙂
There is also a Toastie Twitter List on Twitter, which is kept pretty well updated! My profile is private, but I approve most follow request (the private is more for my own peace of mind).
That was super helpful, too. I just went through – as you may have noticed 😀 – and followed what felt like ALL the people, but is only a fraction so far. Thanks a bunch!
My Twitter is a slightly awkward mix of work stuff and my own thoughts, which are wildly different to each other, so it probably looks a bit bizarre. I’m figurin it out, having only recently returned to tweeting under my own name after years of fearing stalking by abusive ex. Anyway, wrt your issue, I don’t know what the most effective way of using Twitter to promote writing is, but I do know that if you are working on and finishing writing projects then that is a huge achievement and you are absolutely not puffing yourself up to celebrate that on Twitter! Self confidence is hard, I don’t have it either, but the fact that you are doing your writing speaks for itself and deserves acknowledgement and applause 🙂
Thank you! The bigger the achievement feels the harder it is to talk about, I’m finding. Brains do some weird nonsense!!
It’s kind of good to hear from multiple folks who are in the situation of having work and NON-work in their Twitters and feeling weird about that. It’s more common than I realized.
D: that sounds like an awful reason to have to avoid Twitter – I’m glad you’re back, and hope you’re no longer troubled by that person.
I’ve never had to tweet for professional reasons, but I have two accounts anyways- the unlocked one is the one my parents follow, and the locked one is for if I want to talk about stuff that they don’t need to hear. I like to think it would be pretty easy to make my public account a professional account with some bonus personal content- I feel the “am I ok with my parents reading this” guidelines are pretty solid, as far as that goes.
I used to tweet under my own name but that changed the day my mom joined Twitter. She doesn’t need to see my drunk tweets!
I quite like Red Lemon Club for information about self promotion in creative industries (there’s some stuff in there about social media) – http://www.redlemonclub.com/
Some of his stuff is annoying and super privileged, but a lot of it sounds very useful.
(The idea of self promotion squicks me out a lot too, though it’s definitely necessary if I want to start freelancing in web design).
I use my RL twitter for both toast and other stuff – sometimes job-related, usually not. After MUCH DEBATE I decided that acknowledging that I am actually a person, with a wide range of interests, is okay and can be associated with my name. (I do use a Tumblr under a different name for fandom stuff.) That is definitely a choice that was easier because I have a job and feel pretty secure!
GYM THREAD!
Let’s talk about PRs, progress, and dealing with any setbacks!
I hit a PR this week on the bench press but failed to film it for my coach to see (he lives in Austin, I’m in Houston), so it didn’t really happen. Here’s me doing an angry repeat (although cheating it by not pausing on my chest; I was tired).
Squat rehab has gone pretty well and now I’m working on peaking for my meet in October (USAPL Raw Nationals). I’m going to get blown out by some of the folks there, but I hope to set some PRs anyway.
I did ok on my belt test, but a) I thought I had 3 more days to practice and I didn’t, she tested me early, so I could have been better. and b) my daughter wanted to watch me test, but she missed it (see above). We have a secret plan to pretend-test me again when she comes to class, but then daughter and I both got sick, so I’m home with a fever and she doesn’t know I officially have the belt already. woohoo, advanced purple belt, lol!
Congratulations! Which martial art do you do? (I assume it’s a martial art you got a purple belt in?)
Yes–traditional Okinawan karate, plus self defense. All my kids are brown belts, but both boys quit, and now just my daughter and I attend. I’ve had lots of injuries so I’ve taken lots of breaks, but right now things are going well. Although I didn’t cover up my bruises when I went to the school open house, so hopefully THIS year nobody asks my kid if things are safe at home!!! yikes.
Congratulations!
I am getting back into my Pilates classes after vacation. Considering Spinning for cardio, but it depends on the class schedule. Very excited to try Barre.
I’ve found that foam rolling like it’s my job is the key to keeping my back from seizing up after a tough session. This is progress, because it means more consistency with the lifting, but it is aggravating not to be 25 anymore (not by a long shot).
Despite the supportiveness of the Toast community, I’m still reluctant to post my PRs here: They’re comparatively low, I’m not working toward any competition, and for various reasons I can’t do some of the standard lifts. But I am tracking my progress and enjoying lifting, and I adore hearing about how many different goals people are pursuing and how they’re going about it.
345, you beast!
My first max weight on a two-rep deadlift was 95lbs! And I’ll probably be right back there when (if) I can finally go back to lifting. But it’ll be awesome because LIFTING. So happy you’re enjoying it, too!
Well, they are Personal Records, not Compare Yourself To Everyone records, right? I mean, I lift relatively a lot, but there are plenty of guys older and lighter than me who can beat me like a drum. 🙂 So don’t be afraid (although you also don’t have to share). Lifters in general just want to cheer other lifters on when they beat a PR*. So you can just tell us you beat a PR, without even telling us how much, right?
* this is why I love powerlifting – everyone cheers for everyone!
Thanks to medical blargle I’m not supposed to do 1RMs, so it feels like there are a lot of asterisks attached to any numbers I might post, so for now I am happy to cheer everyone else’s awesome stats and have my non-numbered successes huzzayed. I’m always heartened by how welcoming fitness communities tend to be; people in them know how hard the work is and have no excuse for not cheering one another.
Yesterday’s PR wasn’t just triceps kickbacks, it was wearing my I FLEXED AND THE SLEEVES FELL OFF tank and not getting laughed out of the gym. Wearing it actually made me push harder, because I felt like I had to live up to the braggadocio (the shirt was a gift, and the only clean thing in the drawer, or I might not’ve had the nerve).
OMG I have that tank too! My daughter gave it to me for my birthday 🙂
*shirt buddies*
I did really well last week and then this week hurt my back, so missed a day that I would have really enjoyed. I have been feeling great about my gym participation recently, but my eating has just become…terrible. I mean, really not good, and I can feel it, but I have always had a hard time with it. Maybe I will make a renewed effort towards health after this long weekend.
Congratulations on your PR!
I have found that one of the best things I can do for myself is to not get all mad and freaked out when I eat like a jerk. You’ll do that now and again, and you should (unless you are a competitive bodybuilder, maybe). Otherwise life will just stink, right? If I go off the path, nutrition-wise, I just sort of ease back in to eating better (smaller portions, maybe, or skipping the fries with my burger), and before I know it, I’m back on track and I didn’t have to engage in a lot of negative self-talk when doing it. I don’t know if that makes sense, now that I’ve written it down. 🙂
I haven’t lifted this week (except soil) because I’ve been digging at my allotment most days. But the women-only weights room at the gym I go to is expanding soon, which I am very excited about.
I hit bench AND deadlift PRs this week! And I feel like I have a squat PR coming — I’ve had a few weeks of squatting either lightly or not at all because of a calf injury, but this week I went back up in the neighborhood of my normal work weight without any problems, so I think my calf is officially Fixed and I can start pushing harder again.
Also this week, I learned a valuable lesson about doing kettlebell swings with my squishy-soled walking shoes on. (The lesson was: don’t, you’ll fall over.)
PR for a barbell bicep curl – 60 lbs at 3 sets of 10! (I’d been able to do 60 lbs before, but not a full set of them.) (Also full disclosure this is at a weight machine, not free weights.)
Still not making much progress on the bench press. 🙁 I’m getting there little by little, by doing some of my reps at the higher weight and some at a lower weight, but I wish I could get to a full set at the heavier weight.
Our sweet grandmotherly yoga teacher came back today after the summer off and proceeded to WORK US INTO THE GROUND, smiling beatifically the whole time. My legs are still shaking but it’s great.
Because of work troubles that I won’t get into here, I have been full of stress and anxiety and it has not been helping my gym time this week. I usually try to go MWF, this week I’m managing to go all of yesterday and today. : /
I went in yesterday trying to work on the press medley for my upcoming strongwoman meet, and I found that I can barely get the 20kg kettlebell press over my head consistently. Every week I work on it until I do, but I need to be able to do it consistently right off the bat. I managed to get the 70lb keg and the 70lb sandbag up last week once, but I wasn’t able to do the keg at all yesterday. I think.. I think I may just have to come to terms that it’s likely I’ll scratch out of this even, because I only have a minute to do 3 reps of 20kg ground to overhead, and then 2 reps of the keg press, and then 1 of the sandbag.
I’m planning to write/submit a post about training/doing this event, but oh man, it kind of sucks to be 1.5 weeks out and go, “well, you know, I need to be realistic about this shit, and I don’t think I can do the full medley.” :/ Presses have always been weaker relative to my squats and deadlifts, I guess after this it’s going to be the year of the upper body for me.
Wait, 6 reps in 60s (3/2/1)? Yikes! I think they’ll grade on who gets the most done (in case everyone fails to get them all), right? Like how they score stuff on World’s Strongest Man.
That’s exactly it. They’ll definitely assign points based on how far you get, and then rank everyone who completes based on how fast they complete it. I know there’s at least three women in my division/weight class who are just going to tear through it because I train with two of them (and have seen the third woman in the clinics). I know this is all about how far you can push yourself, but I’d be lying if a part of me isn’t like “they can do it, why can’t I?*” which I know is pretty fucking silly but feelings are feelings! ^^;
[*I know why: the reason why they can do and I can’t is that two of them have 100lb + shoulder presses and I am not nearly as strong as they are in that lift. I don’t know how much the third woman can press but she swam competitively for college so I’m guessing her shoulders are pretty fucking strong too. :P]
On a different note, congrats on your training PR! You gotta plenty of time to get it on lock before nationals. 😀 😀
Anyone want to talk about the Another Period season finale I just watched? I have so many conflicted feelings about what happened to Celine.
On one hand, I’m glad she was brought down by Blanche, a woman she’d legitimately wronged. On the other hand, I did not get the sense that this was an act of agency on Blanche’s part. I’ve never read Blanche as fundamentally unhinged—her attitude stems from being tortured and abused at work, and occasionally sent to asylums where she can be tortured and abused some more. And as far as I can tell, she has never before lashed out at her abusers. She cries, she flinches, she cowers—but she does not try for retribution. (Does she even believe she deserves retribution?) I do acknowledge the possibility that she attacked Celine because Celine had pretended to be her friend and then betrayed her, which is a much more personal form of abuse than any of the other characters perpetrated.
However, I can’t escape the feeling that, in this case, Blanche was more a mechanism for dealing Celine her just desserts then a person for whom these actions were a logical outcome of the hurts she had suffered.
(I also thought Celine’s exit from the series was way too sudden and permanent. I really enjoyed her character—she is a servant who is not content with being a servant, and she played the entire household like puppets in order to advance her position. Gotta respect a woman with such well-executed ambitions.)
(Sorry about the nested comments–work runs IE9 and it hates me)
I’m not sure if Celine is permanently gone. I can totally see her coming back in some kind of grand soap opera trope fashion at the end of season 2.
That would be great! I’d love to see her use this family as a stepping-stone into the upper eschelons and leave them when she gets a better offer.
Toast, I was singled out and bugged by some TERFs on Twitter because I support trans women.
I’ve never been prouder.
*stands behind you with a pitchfork and a devilish smirk*
NICE
You win an interwebz!
Meta-Abusive Relationship Threads Thread:
Earlier this week, in the Aunt Acid post’s comments, Toasties noticed a commenter who was unhappy in her relationship, and we provided support, links, book recs, etc, and she has since updated us to let us know that she’s gotten out of a situation that sounds like it was textbook gaslighting with other abusive stuff going on. (Back patting happened in yesterday’s link roundup, so, not exactly what I’m going for here).
As I was spending time in that thread, trying to find the right words, links, resources, I found myself wanting a centralized resource. I mean, I really understand that having people organically interact with a possible abuse victim, hearing what that person is saying and responding directly is important, and that just shuffling people off to a list of links is probably not going to work that well, but shuffling ME to a list of links that I can then use to provide to someone else, or a list of possible suggestions that I can give to someone? That would be helpful.
I did what I could, and what I could seemed to be well received (by both the person I was talking to as well as the rest of y’all), and someone suggested that I turn the comment into a pitch, but I’m honestly out of my depth here. I don’t have the training, I haven’t done the research, and this isn’t “I might make a joke that’s not actually all that funny”, this is a situation where peoples LIVES are at stake.
So: Does something like this exist somewhere else, and I’ve overlooked it? (not just lists of phone numbers, but some sort of master post of how to intervene effectively?). If it doesn’t, would someone with training and expertise want to pitch it? (If you’ve got that sort of expertise but don’t necessarily want to do that sort of thing alone, pitch with someone else! If you don’t have a someone else, I would work with you if that was a thing you were interested in!)
FWIW, I think you should absolutely make a pitch. It seems to me that The Toast editors are smart and sensitive enough to know what kind of editing/format/disclaimers would make your piece the best it could be. And, I would absolutely link to and share and use a piece like this, because people here are kind and so knowledgeable about available resources, and because you’re right — numbers and links are one thing, but actually knowing what to do and how to help are another.
Thanks for the vote of confidence– I have some time mentally blocked off for toast pitching/writing, and if I can’t convince someone else better qualified to do it, or at least to do with with me, I will add this to the list and see where it goes. (especially since even if my resulting work product doesn’t end up being the sort of thing that would be a good fit as a freestanding accepted Official Toast Thing, it would still be useful to me when commenting!!) That said, I’d sort of been planning on the first thing I pitched to The Toast to be FUNNY, so, uh, I’d still really appreciate if someone else would do this, since the amount of research I’d need to do in order to do this right is frankly sort of daunting.
Also, I really want to believe this already exists and I just haven’t dug deep enough yet.
I have gone through it and I feel very responsible for educating others and I was just thinking last night, I wish every girl would get three books when they get their period: Our Bodies, Ourselves; Taking Charge of Your Fertility; and “Why Does he do that? inside the mindss of angry and controlling men”. I want all girls to know what abuse looks and sounds like not because I think all men are abusers, but because teens are bad at relationships and nobody knows what a relationship should look/sound like then…if we can vaccinate them all by showing them the bad patterns, maybe we could stave off some abusive relationships before they start.
Anyway, what this long rambling post meant is that I will help give you resources or edit or whatever you need, I want to help.
I worked on an interactive visual novel – created by a human sciences professor – that was specifically crafted to educate teens about what relationship abuse looked like.
She then got a grant to trot it around Alabama high schools for five years and proved, as much as you can prove anything qualitative in social sciences, that it was effective, but kids need to be reminded of the principles every two years.
I’ll see if I can get her permission to post it online.
I would be totally on board with this. Also, what about an option for people who are in the local area to pitch in if needed? Like, “if you need to talk this over at a coffee shop with somebody, I’m here for you” kind of thing.
I think Captain Awkward has some aggregated resource posts. Which isn’t here, it’s true, but we always link to her anyway, so it seems efficient to do so officially.
Some of her columns are SO useful to help people see bad patterns, and anything *I* would write would involve trawling her archives for the most helpful posts and including them– starting with the posts people linked to the other day! Her comments section is also pretty nice, and there’s often good stuff there. But In my quick poking around, all the threads I’ve found have involved advice for a particular reader, and then lots of additional resources in the comments. But, of course, you have to poke around in the comments to find it, and you have to know that the comments are a generally safe place at CA before you’ll even look! There also isn’t anything that’s made it to the New Here post.
But, of course, I could be missing a really great post or seven, I sporadically binge read CA and then forget about it for a while, so there are large gaps for me, and there’s a LARGE archive.
cosetthetable, I was so very moved by your thoughtful, kind guidance in the Aunt Acid comments. I want to help. Can’t really think straight ight now, though, while struggling with allergies. I’m a good editor and internet researcher. And idea spitballer. And other stuff, I’m sure. I just want to register with you as Very Interested, Willing To Help. rmcd 1974 [at] hot mail [dot] com.
The RAINN website is a great master resource. They have a list of links that might be helpful ( https://www.rainn.org/get-information/links ) and a brief article with tips on how to respond to survivors of sexual assault and other types of abuse ( https://rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-… ). They also have a 24/7 online hotline that exists specifically to direct people to the best resources, help them with safety planning, or just to talk. It’s not just for survivors themselves, but also for friends, family members, and anyone who’s trying to provide support. You may also be interested in looking at the “cheat sheets” RAINN publishes for their hotline staffers to help them respond to different situations ( https://apps.rainn.org/ohl-knowledgebase/ ).
This is some A++ Valuable stuff!!!!
Just stumbled across this amazing resource for Californians needing to get out of bad situations.
As the commenter who was on the receiving end of so much support, I can’t say enough about how grateful I am to those who immediately saw the darker side of my original comment. My self-esteem, my instincts, the ability to trust my own feelings…had been so eroded over the last year. Keeping it all to myself, churning it over and over, was making me so sick. Daily adrenaline attacks are hard on the body. My co-workers started asking me what was wrong. They noticed the bags under my eyes, grooves down my cheeks.
But a warning to anyone who chooses to get out and manages to do it, I am still longing for the GOOD GUY to come back and grieving the good moments, and I probably will for awhile. Somebody slap me. I am in SHOCK that I so quickly lost my integrity, lost my sense of self, put up with so much emotional abuse, just for a few incredibly measly crumbs of attention. I put my guard down, I was hopeful. I was trying to be open-minded. It was so surreal.
I have been re-reading my journal of each abusive event in order to stay balanced. Underneath everything happening, I always felt so puzzled, like I was suddenly in a foreign country with completely different values. Part of me was curious. I have done enough recovery work that I have learned skills in not telling others who they are, I keep the focus on myself, I say how I feel, I open a dialogue to work out differences. I don’t analyze people and tell them what’s wrong with them and expound on what they should be or what they should do. I was so completely sidelined by receiving his armchair analysis of me! STUNNED! The first time it happened, I pointed it out. And then everything I said got turned back around on me in a masterful use of gaslighting that took my breath, heart and brain away. He likes to win. He likes to be right.
I have suffered much other grief in my life, from losing children to losing parents–and each new grief is emotionally connected to the old griefs, so the weight of this loss is heavy from the old ones. I am reminding myself, moment by moment, that if I survived all those things, I can survive this. I’m not overly-sensitive. I am unbelievable strong to have made it through these things and still be a kind, loving, compassionate, empathetic person. Very grateful this was only a year out of my life.
it sounds like journaling is really a help to you. Would it help you to write down occasionally “bad guy and good guy were the same guy”? Because they were and it’s ok to mourn the loss of good guy as well as be angry about bad guy. There’s no one way to feel now, and it’s gonna be complicated. And weird. But hey, journal here in the open thread if you need to! We believe you and believe IN you!
Oh and PS — I really identify with how surprised you were when you heard their “analysis” of you. What helped me was realizing this person doesn’t actually know me, just what they projected on me, and this person isn’t a professional, just an asshole who can talk good who wants me to feel bad.
While I was in counseling at the shelter, we went through some characteristics of those types of “projection analysis” moments where the abuser makes up something wrong with you, insists it’s the “real” way you aren’t but you just can’t see it, and starts to chip away at your self-confidence while getting you to rely on them for the “true picture” of who you are.
My counselor said something like, “it sounds like this recent abusive behavior was something that’s really been going on a long time, since the beginning of your relationship”. With my newly-educated eyes, I thought back. After TWENTY YEARS of marriage, I could identify the first time he did that to me. I could read years worth of journals and identify the red flags, and I just cringed. It was three weeks into dating. I had been caught hook line and sinker for 20 years. It took my breath away–of course 18 year old me didn’t know what he was doing to me, who expects to be completely love-bombed and manipulated by someone who is saying all the right words when most people at 21 are still flailing around to figure out what they want?
I still have a hard time forgiving myself. I know it wasn’t my fault, intellectually, but seriously, 20 years? Who could I really have become if I’d dumped him after that first ridiculous fight? forgiving myself for believing him is going to be a long, long process. (incidentally, forgiving him won’t happen ever, and I will never even let my kids convince me to do that). Be kind to yourself because it wasn’t your choice to be abused. It’s not your responsibility to constantly guard against liars, nobody could live suspecting everybody all the time. Now you know, now you can see the signs. I just tell myself that all I can do is recognize them going forward.
Toasties, I’ve spent the last 9 months planning a conference that is happening next week. I’m wildly vacillating between excitement, dread, and just-praying-for-it-to-end. What should I do to relax this long weekend? Should I take a nap in a park, maybe? Or buy lots and lots and lots of embroidery thread?
Both! Nap in the park surrounded by piles of gorgeous jewel-toned threads that you can daydream about using.
Oh! Embroidery thread! Then you can be ready for the Autumn Crafting that is to come!
Embroidery Thread!! and then follow up pics of what you made. yesssssssss.
Spoke to my advisor about the comments made by the one professor (the one who called his class ‘a bunch of fucking pussies,) and he was incensed. He immediately began marching his way over to go speak to the department head or dean. Whichever he cornered first. (For a visual, picture a dinosaur in a state of righteous fury. He has been teaching since the Cretaceous. Meanwhile jerk professor has just been hired a month or so before.)
Eventually I spoke to the department head, who was rightly shocked/outraged and said she’d handle it. Got an email a few hours later saying he’d profusely apologized, said he’d try to tone it down, but, you know, sometimes in ethics/philosophy classes professors use language like that to try to get students to engage.
…
Oh, I’m engaging all right. Next up is the email to the dean. Challenging students is one thing. His behavior is quite another.
(I have the class again in less than two hours. I may have to post an addition later.)
YES!!!!!! Good for you – I’m so glad your method of communicating your discomfort/displeasure/rage worked out. I hope you do post a follow-up!
Oh I will. Stay tuned.
Follow up on second page of comments. Still unimpressed. Still out for blood.
hell yeah
NICE JOB! Also, who is this babe with the sword? I would like to join her army.
I believe it’s Kate Upton.
Yup it’s Kate Upton in her Game of War video game promos. I’m really tired of seeing the ads on my Tumblr dash, but she does look fierce.
Her hair is usually the closest to mine on a good day. As soon as I saw that gif I knew it would be getting use.
Yay! I’m so glad your dean/department head was responsive. And ugh, shouldn’t a philosophy professor be able to engage students without Bill Maher-esque devil’s advocate provocation?
You’d think so. Especially in an ethics class. I’m not seeing where bragging about your activism credentials and disparaging college students for simply being college students stands on the ethical scale though. Maybe he’ll enlighten me. I’m almost thirty. I don’t have time for any of this.
Here for the followup!
Follow up on second page of comments. Still unimpressed. Still out for blood.
right on! i am incredibly happy that the department as a whole is being nothing but supportive!
Supportive when it comes to seeing his assholery, but the department head’s stern talking to doesn’t sit well with me. Or apparently with my advisor. I think his exact words on hearing that’s all that would be happening were something like, “I would’ve beaten him.” Coloneldad’s words were fairly similar, but with an additional, “if he’d been one of my lieutenants he would no longer be in the army.” A lot of people (a lot of alumni and trustees) have heard about this through the grapevine and none of them are impressed. I give them a week or so until they start howling for blood.
YES nice work.
Yay!!! So happy for you, and so happy that went well. It can be so hard to know what to do in those situations and so nerve-wracking to approach people if you don’t know how they’ll react. A former colleague of mine who was a massive misogynist interviewed for a position at my current university (I am a grad student, he was interviewing for a professor position) and I was TERRIFIED to tell my PI for fear that he wouldn’t take it seriously/would think I was being inappropriate/etc. Instead he was amazingly horrified and supportive and the terrible postdoc did not get the job. Yay for support in academia!
Just hearing it secondhand, I burst into flames. DESTROY HIM.
Let the howling for blood commence.
Follow up on second page of comments. Still unimpressed. There are barbarian hordes within me crying for justice. Bloody, bloody justice.
Also here for the followup! How was class?
Posted about it on the second page of the comments. I continue to be unimpressed by his existence. Sent email to Dean. I want blood.
Overheard at work this week:
Coworker 1: Why do you have the alphabet tattooed on your arm?
Coworker 2: What?
Coworker 1: Right there, it says “SPQR.” Is it so you’ll remember the alphabet?
Coworker 2: ….yes *pause* I have to go. *leaves*
In more work news: my phone number is on my org’s website, which means I get a lot of phone calls from people whose queries have nothing whatsoever to do with my actual job, or anyone’s job, and then I have to figure out if there’s any way to help them out. This week’s highlights:
– A man who left me a voicemail saying that he is a lawyer and he wants us to send him print copies of, essentially, half the contents of our website – including a few pieces of legislation that don’t actually exist! – because he needs it for his important lawyer work and have I mentioned he is a lawyer?
– Another voicemail from another man who wants data that doesn’t exist from a time period before my organization existed; he said he found evidence of this data on our website but there’s no page on our website that has a title even remotely similar to what he mumbled on the phone, so *shrug emoji*
– A caller from another government agency who wants documents that she believes were sent to us by a private corporation. She would not give me any information about the documents and refused to name the corporation because “that’s sensitive information.” I pointed out that it would be very difficult for me to help her since her request was so vague, and suggested that she email me with more details, and she said that her agency “doesn’t use email.”
Awww, bless Coworker 1’s heart.
that overheard is delightful!
i used to get those calls at a previous small museum for similar number on website reasons, and always felt like i should be taking notes to write a book.
I love hearing about your coworkers.
My coworker WTF for the week: he told me that he’s not sure he can stay in this town long term because they repair the roads with chipseal (lay down a thin layer of asphalt embedded with gravel) while he prefers hot-in-place paving. That is the most bizarre way to choose a place to live I’ve ever heard of.
People here have FEELINGS about road repair too.
Ooh, I hate chipseal (I like for the paint to remain ON my car) but never realized that could be the motivating factor in moving to a new town where I might actually be able to get a job I don’t hate. Hmm, your coworker may have inspired me.
Well, if it helps, when I questioned him on it further he also cited the fact that people sometimes walk down the middle of his rural road as a reason to leave town. I’m sure someone, somewhere, has walked in an inconvenient place in your town, too, so maybe that will provide additional inspiration.
(seriously, though, get a job you don’t hate! Move somewhere new! I am a big proponent of town-hopping)
Still, I AM curious why someone would want SPQR on their arm… Reading too much Asterix & Obelix and accidentally supporting the wrong side? 😉
“I’m Secret Person from The Torchwood Institute. Give me the Secret Thing I’m looking for. If I tell you what the Secret Thing is, I’d have to kill you, because the fact we’re looking for it is a Secret.”
Oh, man back when I answered the main phone number for a grad school in ancient history we got some doozies. My particular favorites were the man who called because he had discovered important evidence that pyramids were built in the Pacific Northwest (that one I got out of because, oh too bad, we don’t have any faculty who handle the Americas) and the woman who wanted some background for a novel she was writing and when I asked what region and time period she needed said, “you know, the ancient world.”
This week I’m just thankful that the crazy lady who tried to apply for one of my org’s research grants (despite triggering literally every criteria for disqualification in her application) did not feel the need to call me and talk about it.
Oooh! I work for the physics department and we get a few weirdos! Mostly they send very long, often hand-written proofs of something new they discovered about gravity or somesuch.
Toastfriends, I am trying to be better at my real life friends. I am a bit of a homebody, but I have actually started making the effort to see 2 people after work every week. This was week 3, and so far, very good. I want to keep doing this so that I don’t spend MONTHS of my life not seeing individuals i actually really like. Lately I realized that with some it’s been like a full year, people who live 15 minutes from me.
So. Anyone else trying to be good at leaving the house?
I am! I’m great at going for walks in the area around my apartment, but as soon as I need to drive or use public transportation to get anywhere, nope! And none of my friends live that close to me, which is the biggest problem.
yes, the world is very spread out, and people are not always at a comfortable walking distance. maybe books on tape that you ONLY allow yourself to continue reading WHILE you are driving? bribing yourself? 🙂
That’s a good suggestion, but I find driving very attention-consuming. When I’ve to listen to audiobooks and podcasts while driving, I end up missing so much it doesn’t constitute an effective bribe.
Yes! This is something I tried to do when I left my previous job, because all of a sudden I wasn’t a depressed zombie anymore. It worked out so well and I’ve made some awesome friends via a local twitter-librarian-beer aficionado group.
THAT SAID, my current job is very interaction-heavy and some weeks I am 100% tapped out of my socialization reserves. I don’t want to appropriate the spoon theory from those who find it helpful to explain how disability affects their lives, but something a little bit similar happens to introverts. Those weeks, I am a hermit and I am okay with that.
yes, a lot of it is definitely introversion, plus i am a really contented person completely by myself. but! if i don’t put in the effort, i worry i might lose people and/or simply forget to socialize for a long time. it feels a little artificial to calendar it in, but i think this is a good thing.
You probably won’t see this, but actually thank you for not appropriating the spoon theory, love, someone who is actually on her last spoon right now.
I’m pretty terrible about leaving the house, especially after I get home from work. So I have taken to inviting people over. We have a nice house that fits many people! Monday nights are friend dinners for one group and Tuesdays are movie nights for another. Mr kirpunz and some friends do trivia on Wednesdays, which I will occasionally go to. And then Thursdays are for hermitting so I am not too cranky for the weekend.
this sounds idyllic, i have a medium sized apartment but could have dinner with medium amounts of friends. i’m also toying with the idea of at least monthly trivia.
Oh boy, ME. I moved into my first solo apartment in mid-February and it really is a challenge to leave it because I love it (and being a homebody) so much. Luckily, almost all my friends live in my neighborhood, and it’s been a busy, active summer – lots of roadtrips – with them, so having fun activities that I know I will enjoy really does help motivate me.
Also, since my last significant relationship ended 7 (gulp) years ago, I learned how to be very independent, and I’ve discovered that in many/most cases, I would rather do [errand] by myself, and sometimes would rather do [fun activity] by myself too, just for the ease of coordinating things and not having to look over at my companion and wonder if they’re ok or enjoying themselves. But if I know I need to go run an errand that takes me near a friend’s apartment, I’ll dash out a quick text of “hey I’m running to Duane Reade to grab sunscreen and lightbulbs, are you around? come with me/grab a drink after?” and that tends to end well. Integrating your social life with your chores/errands makes doing those chores easier, in my experience.
ha, i never ever do this, and that’s a brilliant suggestion!
This is great advice, I too usually prefer to do things alone than to coordinate, but your way seems entirely manageable.
I’ve started leaving the house for the first time in over a year! The key (for me) is to still maintain a strict schedule of home nights and also make sure I won’t be out late, for I turn into a pumpkin by 9 pm. It’s been very nice so far and I really like my friends and my city has many interesting happenings. Last night we came home from an outdoor venture with really lovely people and I said to my spouse, “Man, leaving the house is GREAT.” Which is not my usual feeling at all.
I met a friend for drinks at 5 pm this week, we ran into another friend who was also having after-work drinks, and we all had an epiphany that meeting right after work is the solution to all of our problems. We love each other, but two of us have 9 to 5 jobs and one of us works nights, so evening meetups are just…increasingly unlikely. Best epiphany ever, accompanied by prosecco with mango puree.
I am! I just left an activity that provided a kind of built-in community and social situations regularly, and am trying to be good about keeping in touch with people I really want to to stay friends with, and maybe make new friends. I love being alone and will definitely go overboard with it if I don’t monitor myself, so I have to make a conscious effort (and usually am glad that I did). Like, if I’m going to something anyway, I try to say “hm, maybe I should invite a friend who I know would like this?” and sometimes that is too much logistics and sometimes it’s a good idea. Good luck!
I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. The emotional labor article plus metafilter comments hit me like a bag of bricks and has helped me take this more seriously. It doesn’t help that my best friends are geographically scattered, with none of them in the same metro-area as I currently live. I’m not really sure where to begin, so am trying to model my behavior after the people in my life who seem to be good at this. Mostly, I’m making lots of phone calls and trying to initiate activities with the folks around here that I do know. Also, I’m trying to avoid letting dating serve as a replacement for this part of life. Two people a week seems like a great plan! I just might have to copy that.
A couple of questions for the folks who have and maintain deep ties:
1) How do you decide who to hang out with? As someone who’s always been in a position to let people come to me, it’s hard to decide on this in advance.
2) Do you have any tricks to keep tabs on people beyond “Oh, haven’t said hi to _____ in a while. Better give them a call”? I don’t want to be the person with spreadsheets of friends, but also maybe I **do** want to be that person.
I should try and leave the house more! Instead I’m doing the opposite and trying to convince one of my good friends to move into the house for sale next to mine so I don’t even have to drive the 10 minutes to her current place. I probably should try just try to become less of a homebody instead.
This is a constant thing for me. Right now I still live at home, where the commute to/from social things means that they have to be pretty long to be worthwhile and a lot of my interacting with friends happens online.
That said, I have generally averaged a real-life social thing per week over the past year, and the way I have kept that up is to put in twice the effort I expect to get out. I used to think of myself as bad at keeping up with people, then realized that it’s just easy to think that way and most people – including many of my favorite people – do think that way, so I’ve got to take the initiative. (I am on purpose horrible at keeping up with people who don’t meet my standards, but that’s a different kettle of fish (as they say?).)
I’m not even bothering right now, though, because I’m going to move to a city with friends soon! aaaaaaaa
Wow. Go you, with your bad self. I should be trying to do this? But I am not.
I’ve been in the clutches of a chronic illness involving a lot of fatigue and pain for a few years now, and since I stopped working, my friend-pool dwindled. i recently moved across country, so, that didn’t help. I am now at home with a nearly-two-year-old and a still-debilitating unpredictable chronic illness. So, I would be happier doing what you are doing, but haven’t gotten to a point to even try just yet.
How does one make adult friends when one doesn’t have some uniting professional passion in common?
Anyway, three is amazing. Don’t burn yourself out. Keep it going. You CAN leave the house. GOGOGO!
well for me, I keep hoping to see someone on Open Thread mention living near where I do in the UK. So far this has not been spectacularly successful as a method.
I do okay at the house-leaving & socializing, because I do a hobby/ activity that has me throwing around people 2-3 days a week (judo!), but I am trying to get better about hanging out with other women, who are in very short supply over the age of 12 in my throwing people activity. (The dudes are generally pretty great, but they are still dudes).
I work in a small office, so coworkers as friends starts to feel a little claustrophobic (I like my work and professional lives to not overly intermingle). It is tricksy when you can’t just sit next to people who look interesting in class.
My whole month, every month, seems to be ruled by hormones. I hate it and I’m sick of it. W1: hate the world, W2: love the world and want all the sex, W3: hate myself, W4: pain pain pain period time. It’s only been like this for the last few years – I think mostly triggered by my bad Mirena experience. Anyways, anyone else have the hates sometimes?
Also, found this when searching “hate everyone pms” (it doesn’t fully redeem reddit, but it’s pretty cathartic): https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments…
I get this rollercoaster too and it is evil. I don’t have a mirena but I’m also hesitant to take birth control pills because – my sex drive! Don’t leave me! I’d rather have the mad horny week than no horniness at all. I’ve had some relief from the pain by taking vitamins, calcium and magnesium, B12 and iron, but the hating and gritting teeth to prevent unleashing it on unsuspecting victims? I am open to suggestions!
They don’t all hammer your libido – it took me a few to find one that worked for me but I am so much happier now I am on the right pill.
My conscious brain recognizes that but fear monger brain is like WHAT IF YOUR SEX DRIVE GOES AWAY AND NEVER COMES BACK BLARGH DON’T EVEN RISK IT so…..hmmm. Maybe I need to re-evaluate which brain I listen to.
I know anecdote does not = data BUT in case it helps at all: I was on OrthoCyclen/Sprintec for 15 years and never had libido problems! It is entirely possible that I was just very lucky – I know plenty of people who are not able to take oral contraceptives – but my experience was overall very positive. (Just switched to a Mirena because after so long I thought it was time for a chance, and it is kind of a hassle dealing with an ongoing prescription, but if my insurance hadn’t covered the cost I would’ve happily stayed on the pill for another five years.)
So Mirena triggered the problem for both of you? Is this a common phenomenon? That’s a bit worrying. I have some slight behind-the-scenes knowledge of medics’ opinions of common patient issues and I’ve heard the rather shitty term ‘Mirena madness’ used to describe women who report negative mood and physical symptoms after starting on a Mirena. The assumption among doctors appears to be that because they can’t identify a bio cause for the symptoms it *must* be me psychosomatic/hysteria. I was really pissed off when I heard that. Even if symptoms are psychological in origin, (and often they’re assumed to be when they’re not) they’re still symptoms, and referring to them as ‘madness’ is misogynistic and medically unsound.
ETA: not saying your indivudual doctors think this of you! I doubt all of them subscribe to that crap. But some definitely do, and as many female as male doctors too.
I had to stop (oral) hormonal BC because of the depression and migraines. Was off everything for a couple of years to clear it up, then Mirena came out. The doctor assured me that since it was a localized microdose, no way would it ever ever cause hormonal issues. After 2 years, 40lbs gained (no lifestyle changes), severe depression, near constant migraines, I finally had it pulled. The doc (she was not my regular) that pulled it scoffed a bit, and told me it was unlikely that Mirena was the issue – side effects were very uncommon. The next 2 years were a nightmare of excessive bleeding all the time (like, had to go to the ER twice for fluids), constant nausea, cramps for weeks at time, serious digestive issues. The weight came off, but probably because I was eating (and retaining) barely enough to survive.
Cycle has since stabilized (thanks to regular sex), but the hormone surges and cramps are worse than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Oh – and I have cysts bursting every 6 months, too.
Just what I do when the hormones overwhelm me, or I”m getting stabby, is take at least 3 borage oil capsules at once. It seems to take the edge off, and there’s really no problem with too much.
This started happening to me maybe 3 years ago (background: most BC pills make me hate all the time and/or have no libido) and when I asked my lady-parts doctor, she said, “PMS can get worse in your mid-to-late 30s, so that’s probably what’s going on.” I stopped taking any form of hormonal BC after that, and now have basically the exact same cycle you described, except that my weeks 1 and 3 of hate are just generally “everything is awful everyone please die.” Recognizing it has helped me to sort of…bat it away when it’s happening? And to sometimes give in to the hate.
This was probably not helpful, but at least you’re not alone?
Welp, I pass the 30s in a couple of months, so maybe that’s all it is. A lot of energy is being spent these days pulling my brain out of hate cycles, subduing anxiety attacks and keeping my mouth shut when I don’t have something nice/useful/constructive to say.
You and me both. #oldpeoplesolidarity
A thing I have recently discovered to be helpful? Walks. I am quickly subdued by taking a walk around the block. Just like the dog.
That sounds AWFUL. I’m not yet in my later 30’s, but my PMS did take a turn for the horrific in my late 20s and early 30s. I’m REALLY hoping that it will not get even worse throughout the next decade. If, menopause ASAP pls and thanks.
Things that have helped me:
1. Evening primrose oil.
2. Reducing caffeine intake.
3. More regular vigorous exercise, especially resistance/weight training.
I hope you feel better.
Definitely seconding this list, plus: reducing dairy and sugar. And if you have sooper-bad cramps, people-quality catnip brewed as tea can help a lot. Just be sure to brew it with something that tastes good, like chamomile or maybe the raspberry/rosehips combo Hadrosaur mentions below. Because on its own, it’s gross.
I’ve started taking raspberry leaves & rosehips as tea again, since I’ve started getting PMS that lasts a whole week and periods that turn up randomly whenever they feel like it. I used to take them ages ago and they seemed to balance my hormones fairly well (regular periods!) but not completely.
Urgh, I have a Skyla (like the Mirena but smaller), and normally I don’t get periods at all, but this week I suddenly had one, and it was accompanied by a delightful background monologue of “everything is awful you are a dirt person no one loves you.” I never have PMS or hormone-related mood changes (drastic enough for me to notice, anyway), so I don’t know if it was actually a hormone thing or something else, but regardless it was terrible and I really hope I don’t have another one for the next six months.
That sounds wretched.
I had bad, bad reactions to oral contraception. I didn’t get into a straight relationship in which it was necessary until my early 30s, so it was a shock to me. When I went off, I immediately got pregnant, and things have been insane since then.
Essential oils have been useful for me. I crafted a blend for everyday usage and one of rollercoaster days of nightmarish hormone swings leftover from post-partum depression. I sincerely hope you find some relief.
Week 3 = self loathing for me. Once I realized the cycle that alone made me feel tons better. I just have to step back for a minute and remember it’s transient and illusory.
Toasties, I need help. I’ve been thinking about posting to the open thread for the past few weeks but didn’t feel like it was relevant or worth complaining about? I don’t know but I figure might as well just get the feels out there. I started my new job about a month ago, and for some context I just graduated with my MA in Literature and eventually want to get my PhD but I want to take some time off before I start that nonsense. Because I don’t have teaching experience (I worked as the assistant to my program instead of as a TA) I didn’t get a lecturer position and am working as an admin for a different department at the same school. My friends are all professors/lecturers in the English department and I can not stop feeling inadequate compared to them. It’s completely irrational because I’m still doing research/trying to publish, and I make pretty good money but I feel like I’m no longer consider “part of academia” and it is getting me DOWN. I wanted to stay attached to the university so I could still take classes (at a discounted rate!) and use the library resources for my research while I take my break before starting back that whole PhD process. How does one handle feeling inadequate like this?
*again, I realize that this is absolutely not worth complain about*
I have definitely felt those feels before, although the specific job context was different. Can you connect at all with people who do work in positions similar to yours? For me, realizing that people who held the same job as me were generally smart, interesting, cool people with similar career goals to mine went a long way toward helping me feel better about the job I was in.
It is upsetting to you, so totally worth complaining about. And I think this is a feeling a lot of people have. As long as you keep researching/publishing you are part of academia! Maybe try focusing on the things you have accomplished, and plan to accomplish, rather than what your friends are doing? Good luck!
Academia is a cult in a lot of ways, so I completely understand your feelings.
Just remember that teaching is not a high-prestige activity either alas. 🙁
And your experience means that if the job market is rough for you after the PhD, (and it is so rough for everybody), you would also have the option of going into fancy high-paid administration jobs that prefer people with PhDs, like fellowship advising, assistant dean of xyz, etc. so you’re actually positioning yourself well for the long haul even if it feels a little uncomfortable now.
It is totally worth complaining about! It sounds as though you are encountering some very real frustrations in your work life, and (hopefully without getting too arm-chair-y on my part) it sounds as though these frustrations are having some impact as far as undermining your self-esteem, or your ability to really enjoy what advantages you can take from your current job, maybe? Your feelings are valid, and it’s ok to have them without even needing to judge them. Feels are not rational!
That said: Is there someone understanding who you can vent about your work woes with? Maybe someone who knows the academic institution, and who will understand the frustrations of trying to break into teaching? It also sounds like keeping in touch with an adviser could be useful, professionally speaking. They may be able to keep you apprised of conference or symposia that you could attend or submit to, even if you aren’t in a current teaching position.
One more thought: Some friends of mine, in varying stages of navigating academia (some in second BA programs, some in MFA, some in the midst of applying & upgrading) recently started an informal but very high-level critical reading group. It’s been a marvel to attend, and not just for the purpose of reading & learning. It’s also been great as far as building a support network of people with some common goals but without the context of one specific program or department or even university. Maybe having a friend or colleague or two to pursue your professional interests with could be a big help.
As w
Thought 1: Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you feel down, you feel down.
Thought 2: Try to get an adjunct position doing evening teaching, at another institution if necessary, so you can get classroom teaching experience.
Thought 3: Think about getting a teaching certificate for K-12 teaching.
Angst over professional identity is legit.
Maybe ask yourself if, in a vacuum, you would still be dissatisfied, and then take steps to move toward what would be satisfying.
Meanwhile, you are not alone in this. I hope it gets better. You’ve done so much work to get this far; you have it in you to go the distance and create what you want.
Does anyone have any good Adobe CS tutorials? Preferably text based, but I’ll take anything good. I’ve been working on Photoshop, Premier and Fireworks a bit already
I have the entire suite on my work machine, and its a bit quiet these days, so I’ve been trying to improve my skills. I’ve got Dreamweaver down, and my Photoshop copy & paste is second to none ( And I can resize images like a MO-FO), but I’m useless at any kind of icon/graphic work. I only found out what Firework is for the other day, can’t get my head around Illustrator. But, I have been teaching myself editing in Premier 😀
(Also London Toast Meetup Group is still going! https://www.facebook.com/groups/435704426638315/)
If your workplace is willing to front the cost, Lynda.com is a really helpful resource.
I’m trying to keep it on the DL that I’m not really working and just shamelessly taking advantage of their software cause I’m cheap.
So yeah, mostly looking for free tutorial s, but will keep Lynda in mind for the future, I could probably convince them that I need PS and fireworks, but probably not premiere
OR if your local library covers a Lynda subscription for library card holders! A number of biggers systems are doing that these days, including my beloved NYPL.
Some Youtubers have trials available for Lynda.com – I know if you use(d)? the URL Lynda.com/rhettandlink you could get a free 10-day trial, but I don’t know if that’s still viable!
I second the lynda.com rec, if it’s available for you – I’m taking their Creative Cloud course right now,. (…or well, I had been, before other work obligations got in the way.)
I really like the Lynda.com tutorials on just about everything. AND, if you don’t like video learning, the transcripts of each segment are right there on the screen too.
Tumblr has some GREAT photoshop tutorials. If you google “tumblr photoshop tutorials” you can find a bunch. It might not be what you’re looking for, but I have a good amount (for a variety of things) I posted on tumblr as well: http://burningupasun.tumblr.com/tagged/my+tutoria….
Thanks!
Apologies if you got eleventy billion notifications on that, I was trying to get the link to show up and for some reason it wasn’t taking the + in the url, who knows why. I ended up editing it like 5-6 times haha, whoops.
I am in a (very nice) hotel three hours away from home, going to a wedding this evening and lounging about considering an afternoon nap (it’s 5pm here). Banksy’s Dismaland on Sunday which looks dismal/awesome/both, and then I do have a long weekend accidentally, as I’d booked Monday off work anyway. Last weekend was the long weekend over here but I spent it getting up at 6am going to horse shows so wasn’t much of a rest.
Cheers to long weekends toasters!
Wonderful Toastrinas, my baby brother called me last night because he has just had his heart broken. He was with his girlfriend for 4 years (age 20-24) until a year ago, when she broke up with him due to his depression and resulting aimlessness. It was a real break-up, although it had one of those “I still love you, but we just can’t be together right now while we are both struggling so much” nebulous escape clauses, and they have remained best friends, talking every day and hooking up every once in a while… so obviously he has held out hope. He started taking coding classes while holding down full-time jobs as a cook in a couple different restaurants, and really putting in serious effort to improve himself.
Now, about a year later, he has finished his classes and started creating websites free/free-lance until he has enough experience to get a “real” job in web design. So he gathered up all his courage and asked her if they could be together again. She told him she had moved on. He is devastated – he has never been very marriage-minded, but he told me last night that he wanted to propose to her (not, like, immediately, but also not “oh you know, someday, maybe, I guess” that I hear from so many dudes my age). He is so sad, and feels like all the effort he has put in was for nothing. I am so proud of him for working so hard, for so long, against such awful odds, to finally redirect and focus his life, and even if he did it for the “wrong” reasons, or reasons that didn’t work out in the end, he still did it, and his life will be so much better now because of it.
I knew that his GF was not going to be with him long term – I liked her fine, but a few years she told me point-blank, in front of him, while she was enjoying my hospitality in my apartment, that she didn’t see herself being with him forever. (Don’t even get me started on that.) But he didn’t really internalize it, and now he feels aimless again. I cried and cried last night after we hung up, because he is usually so stoic, but he is cut deep now and I know his pain because I have been through it too.
Does anyone have any stories to share, or words of encouragement that I can pass along to him? He has been through so much in his life, and even though I know his pain, I can’t seem to find the words to help.
This might not be what you’re looking for but…
I have a lot of friends who either put their relationships (not necessarily people) into two categories, ‘the one I will stay in forever’ and ‘a useless waste of time’. And I think that’s the wrong way to look at it: every relationship that we have with people teaches us what we are looking for, what we need and don’t, how to be a better partner, and what mistakes to avoid. They give us baselines for us as partners, and what we need from our partners, and that is so, so important. And I think there’s a tendency to feel like whatever time put into an ended relationship was a waste, which it so often isn’t. All of that is time well spent, and makes for better later relationships if you can learn more from earlier ones.
That’s very true! I would be terrible at managing conflict (both in friendships and romantic liaisons) if my ex and I hadn’t gone to counseling, put hard work in, etc.
thanks 🙂
I’m so sorry that is happening, but it doesn’t sound like she cares for him the way she should longterm. And he is SO young — he will change so much over the course of his adulthood (and already has, it sounds like, in positive ways). Sometimes it is good to meet a new person who fits with you as you are in the new phase of your life. Most of us change so much over the course of our adulthoods, and that change is the cause of trouble in many marriages — but here he has an opportunity to meet someone who likes and is happy with his new adult self, where he is right now in his life and who he is and so on.
It’s hard, but if he just plows forward I truly think he can find someone he is even more compatible with than the current ex, and look back on all this with gladness that he was made open by this to meet the person he will meet next, who may be a better match (and more loving, too).
I think so too. He’s only had one other serious relationship that I know of (he keeps things close to the chest, generally) and this most recent girl was SOOOO much better than the first. I think that as he becomes his Best Self, he’ll find someone who is Best For His Best Self.
That is A+ sistering. Well done.
Watch “Silver Linings Playbook” and decide if it would cheer him up or make him feel worse.
Oh, I miss my little brother so so soooo much. I feel your feels, girl.
First off, if he has issues with depression, please encourage him to keep getting appropriate support and taking care of himself (therapy, medication, whatever regime helped previously). Regardless of her feelings, he is worth being loved and cared for, and he has to start that for himself. He’s doing the groundwork now to make space for a relationship that fits in his life, in which he is adored and appreciated and his love is wanted.
Beyond that… I’d do whatever I would for a friend. Stories of having my own heart broken as proof that they do mend. They are never quite the same, but they Velveteen Rabbit right up, and make you unique and give you access to your own reserves. It’s challenges and hard times that really let you own your own best qualities. He’s paying his dues in life, but that is worth something. Poor thing. I wish I could hug the both of you.
i recently had some heart-wrenching difficulties of my own romantically (even having a life partner does not preclude heartbreak), and as dumb as it sounds, I took the advice of Kimmy Schmidt. Get through the next ten seconds. Then the next ten seconds. Then the next. In this case, you survive enough intervals, things will start healing on their own, and they will be less and less difficult to survive.
the thing that seems so heartbreaking here is that he started working toward something, but then felt it was a waste of time when the on/off/ex moved on. whether or not he sees it now, he is the most important person in his life, and working on himself is more important and rewarding than hoping actions garner affection from others. you sound like a great sister, just keep encouraging him to take steps forward and he’ll eventually meet a better match.
There’s this book “Getting Past Your Breakup” that I might recommend strongly to him. It’s very practical and comforting and I read it and then bounced back unsettlingly quickly from the end of a 4.5 year relationship…so… it works? (For me at least?)
One thing I do remember from the hard pain month after the breakup was that feeling like, what is the point of my life without this pillar. I’d say he needs to lean into that and grieve. That’s kind of what that book is about. If you have any familiarity with Jewish mourning customs I think they’re sort of brilliant in this regards too-my friend is conservative and they do the whole thing, with the mirrors and the no music and the no hair brushing and she said it’s so helpful to be banned from trying to live normally because the day you feel like, “oh maybe I do want to brush my hair, but I need to wait till tomorrow” is when you realize you are still alive, and it’s going to get better bit by bit.
So I think encourage him to feel it, let him know it’s a process, that it’s ok to have low points as he moves through, bring him snacks if you can and just let him watch tv and cry if he needs to. It is a loss, even if you want a better girl for him. And being able to feel grief is the flip side of being able to feel love. You clearly love him a lot and thats why his pain hurts you.
And during a breakup I really recommend watching all of the Good Wife. Because her shit is so messed up at the beginning it makes you feel better and then there’s lots of scheme schemes.
Your poor brother. He’s accomplished so much and should feel so proud of himself, and this! His ex did him a favour, he can find a woman who will appreciate him. I know he can’t see that now but it’s true.
Major life happenings in the post below. So MUCH life is happening to/for me, Toasts. Hope you all are as happy and busy as I feel today, this Friday before Labor Day!
Well, a few weeks ago I said I felt stagnant and wanted to get out more, and mix things up. Hahahaha. Never put that energy into the universe until you are really and truly ready, Toast, because in the past few weeks I have:
– made a resolution to spend way less on the internet, and stuck to it
– met a new, awesome circle of people I think I’m going to be good friends with!
– got a girlfriend (!!)
– seen a work project I’ve spent the past three months on just completely change form and timeline into something much more ambitious (and exciting!!! hopefully!)
– also I might be getting a cat.
So while I’m not exactly sleeping a lot these days, my long weekend looks so full and beautiful and I’m so grateful being along for the ride.
Happy for you!
Thank you RoseCamelia! Have a lovely weekend!
RESOLUTION, marking September 2015 as the Month of Peak Nerd:
WHEREAS: My friend Chris Baldwin needed a place to stay for a few months, so I rented him a spare bedroom. This means I now live with a man who is a full-time cartoonist, and not just that, a FEMINIST cartoonist, AND
WHEREAS: Said cartoonist maintains a diary comic strip of his life and travails, AND
WHEREAS: For the strip commemorating August 21, he drew a little picture of me and my dog and cat, thereby fulfilling my heretofore unknown desire to be in a comic strip, AND
WHEREAS: The code name he gave me for the strip is “Cassandra” in honor of none other than Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Filomena Pentaghast, from the Dragon Age series of video games, NOW THEREFORE BE IT
RESOLVED, that September 2015 shall be hereafter known as Peak Nerd for all purposes of comparison, for the remainder of Jack’s life, AND BE IT FURTHER
RESOLVED, that all dates of personal significance hereafter shall include the suffix P.P.N. (Post-Peak Nerd).
I am stunned and in awe of how fantastic this is. Congratulations are in order, at the very least.
Here’s the strip in case anyone cares. And the next strip is about him watching me play Dragon Age Inquisition!
so cool! I was a fervent reader of his Bruno comics in the early 2000s!
TOTALLY OFF-TOPIC (though this is incredible and amazing and when can we see it?), but are you the Girl Named Jack from the PNW? You can email me at blunderbusstatgmaildotcom if this is too much personal info in a public space, but if you ARE that same person, I was with a mutual friend this past weekend, looking at photos in an album, when said friend said, “And that’s Jack, A Girl Named Jack,” and I (very quietly, in my own head) LOST MY SHIT. A Toastie in the wild? A mutual friend connects us maybe? I thought that was real cool, so I am sending this message. And if this isn’t you, or this is weird, I apologize for the intrusion.
Ahhh! That’s an amazing story but it’s not me! I’m in upstate NY. You’re not the first to ask if I am a specific girl named jack. Apparently we are legion. 😀
Oh man, that’s nuts! Nice to meet you anyway! (I’m a teensy bit glad to hear that you are a different Jack, because I was at a memorial service for what would’ve been a second mutual friend, and there is just no nice way to break that news online to a stranger.)
The coolest.
P.P.N. it is!
Also, Cassandra!!! <3
“Little Dee” Chris Baldwin???!!!! He saved my life with that comic. *heart eyes* If Vachel was a human man in his 50s, I’d marry him SO FAST.
I’ll let him know. 😀
Hi Toasties!! I just wanted to thank all of you who gave such good advice last week on handling my sister’s combo of refusing to move out of my parents and her proclivity towards giving unwanted financial advice! You were all so understanding and your shared stories really helped me. I had dinner with her (and my Mom) that night (last Friday) and it went well. She was great (well, minus a LOT of work rants and conversation monopolizing, which I consider part of her Younger Sibling Syndrome), for most of dinner, and I managed to stay strong and avoid taking the bait on her one financially-oriented remark. (Although for rant purposes: I offered to pay for my part of the $90 dinner bill, to which she loudly remarked: “Well, I’M not paying for my part! That’s so EASY to do when you have a REAL job like you!” To which I stared at her for a moment, and then just offered to split the bill with my mother instead because I didn’t think it was fair for my Mom to pay for the whole bill when my sister could easily have managed to pay $30.)
ANYWAY. I bit my tongue though and just let her be however she wanted to be and focused instead on just helping out my mom and thanking her for dinner and that was a lot less stressful in the end, so, THANKS. <3
You have the discretion of a diplomat! (But to satisfy you over the injustice: It’s so EASY to pay for dinner when you don’t have to pay for rent!)
Right??? That’s what I wanted to say, like how does that even make sense? It’s easy to do when you 1) have a job and 2) don’t pay rent. Way easier than when you, yes, have a good job but also pay a gazillion bills.
Yeesh.
Celebrate with me that I coped with some family-related anxiety, Toasts! This week, I got an invitation to a family event that I will not be attending due to my estrangement from my father. I am sad that I am not closer to his family, but I know that the right thing to do is to do what’s best for me, and that is: not see my father. I had to say no. But the thing I am celebrating is this: when I got the email I said to myself, “this is probably going to make you feel anxious, start your breathing exercises and your self-care checklist now,” said checklist including exercise, low-key time with supportive friends, going to bed early, meditating before bed, etc. And I was still anxious, and I still had the chest pain and the panicky feeling and exhaustion, but! I knew what it was, and I knew it would go away, and that made a world of difference. I had a few difficult days, and then a day that was a bit better, and now I am feeling good again. And I am very very grateful to all my friends and internet strangers who have shared their experiences and helped me identify what I am feeling and how I can manage it. I invite you to share something that you have learned that has helped you in troubling times, if you want! Only if you want.
Sounds like you rocked it. I am giving you a mental high-five. It is hard as hell to make choices that feel like you > family.
My family crap has been out of control of late. My mom just stayed with us for two weeks at her new job while my dad worked on their cross-country move with my grandmother, who was a crazy abusive drunk BEFORE the dementia, and proceeded to break her leg a week before their date to leave. Now everyone is in town, at their new place, and stressballs of nuclear order. Just, no. Just, fuck ALL of that.
I keep reminding myself of something a friend used to say about her job: “su emergencio es no mi emergencio”. I haven’t quite convinced myself of it, but I am at least trying to reason myself into believing that I am allowed to be happy even if people around me are not, and that my life is as important as theirs.
That’s so great oh my gosh. Not that you had to go through that, obviously, but that you could identify and respond appropriately to the anxiety. I’m very happy for you, because that was something that took me years to learn.
I have bipolar disorder that’s been super well-managed for about a decade, now, but every now and then it strikes like an earthquake. I used to get super upset when I lost control and went into a depressive episode (or god help me, a manic one). I thought it was my fault somehow, for not watching out for it or not keeping up with whatever plans I had because of it, but something like last year, I finally realized that I’m perfectly capable of recovering from it. It no longer feels like the end of the world.
I think of it like playing Jenga. Even though it’s a huge scare when the tower falls, I already know how to put it back together. It’s a good feeling.
Ooh, just discovered the toastie twitter spreadsheet. I don’t want my toast handle linked to my twitter, but I’m gonna go on a following rampage. If someone follows you who’s been tweeting about transphobia in wicca, that’s me!
I always get twitter followers the day after the Open Thread, and then the day after Hannibal airs (RIP).
welcome to #toastietwitter! I’m @ummjess
Ooh, Bartender, enjoy the Cloisters! One of my favorite NYC museums (and now I live close enough to it that it’s also a neighborhood landmark). Also, those cookies look fab.
This should probably go in the cat thread, but: anyone have experience/recommendations for rescuing stray cats? There’s a black-and-white tuxedo cat that’s taken to hanging out right outside my bedroom window in my new apartment. I think it’s a stray (no collar, has a big nasty-looking scar on its back probably from a fight with some other beast, always runs away if I get too close to the window but then shows up again), but I don’t think it’s feral. I suspect the person who had this apartment before I did may have been feeding it. I don’t know if this cat belongs to someone else — or if it would want to live with me if there’s no owner to be found — but I kind of want to trap it so I can take it to a vet who can check its health and look for a microchip. Plus, winter’s approaching. But I’ve never rescued a stray before. I’ve got a couple of friends who do this kind of thing a lot, so I’m asking them for advice, but I thought I’d ask the Toast commentariat as well.
It’s likely that your friends can give you better, more specific, advice for your area, but in general: if it’s wary but not feral, feeding it and getting it to associate you with food (a very good thing in a stray cat’s world) is the first step–but if you do that, make sure you are committed to following all the way through. I’m sure you are, but I’ve worked with people who decide ‘oh, this is too much work’ in the middle of a cat rescue or whatnot. If you have the time, this is the slow and sure way, depending on how trusting the cat is now and what memories of people it has from its life. If you are ok with the cat coming into your house before being vetted, open the window while you feed them.
If you feel that it needs to be taken off the street quickly, renting/borrowing a live trap is the quickest (but not necessarily easiest) way. You should put the trap out someplace safe (where it won’t fall off a porch or a fire escape or roof if a trapped animal is thrashing and out of the sun, etc.) and disable the trigger and feed something very enticing, bearing in mind that eventually, when the trap is ‘live’ and the cat gets the food but gets out somehow, you will need to ramp up the offerings (in one long term cat colony removal I started with cheap wet cat food and ended up using jack mackerel, even though that is not a great seafood choice 🙁 ). Also be prepared to catch other animals, raccoons, possums, rats/rodents of various kinds, the odd catweasel, and release them. That is often the scariest part of livetrapping, ha!
Once caught, every cat is an individual, but so far, I’ve always been able to accustom cats to living inside only. Once spayed or neutered, they are usually calmer (but don’t believe people that say spaying/neutering ‘mellows’ out all aggression). If there’s no chip and you’ve spent money on the vet, I’d say keep the cat if you want it, or find it a home (good luck!) if you don’t. In my community outside cats are all strays. If animal control sees and catches them, if they are not chipped, they are held for a few days and that’s it, so there is no problem with keeping a cat that you have taken in. But in other communities you need to make an attempt to find the owner.
Again, your friends can probably give you better local info, but if you want more detail about how I’ve done cat rescue, email me at danielzgc appropriate symbol yahoo.com Note: Daniel is a cat, that is not my name. 🙂
What is a catweasel? Tried to Google it and all I got were pictures of this guy:
http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/2b0/93…
oh sorry! I was joking, referring to my comment on the ‘what the hell is this animal, please’ post from yesterday. In RL I have only captured raccoons, possums, and various rodents when I’ve live trapped for stray/feral cats. It’s also possible to catch skunks, etc.–anything that is small enough to get caught in the trap and is attracted to the type of food in the trap.
To be fair, I’ve only rarely captured animals other than cats in a live trap, but it has happened.
Oh, and a live trap is a box trap with a door that springs shut when the animal steps on a platform when it goes inside, and the cat is then stuck in a wire box (which is why you want to make sure that it is placed safely and in shade, etc.)
Dating thread!
Do it!
My own tale is a little grey.
I got into a pit of despair recently, with racking insecurities. A few things dovetailing … Frustrating interactions with men, increasing sense of failing optimism, and my regular date (who is poly) revealing he’s been dating someone new for a month. It’s been hard to feel these feelings while recognizing them as irrational. I’m trying to be kind to myself.
I’m not sure I’m over it, but being “over” it sounds kind of silly? I’m working with and through it.
I’m really wanting to learn to be *engaged* with a relationship and asking for what I want and need. Sometimes, it seems the challenge is working through the web of feelings and understanding what I want, and what actual form of behaviour could meet that want.
The other part is looking at my insecurities, which seems so insurmountable and permanent. It seems like I keep falling back into them and keep crawling back out.
So yeah, work in progress. DATING. In the meantime, I keep sending out the silliest messages to amuse myself.
I’m not here next week!
Dating! I started talking to a guy on OKC yesterday and then we were texting pretty much all day. He was very engaging and sweet during the texts. He’s gone this weekend, but had last night free and said if I wanted to meet up for drinks after my friend’s going away party, he wouldn’t could it as our first date, haha.
So we met up for what I dubbed a “half-date” which basically meant drinks and groping. It was great! He’s pretty awesome, and I’m looking forward to a “real date” after the long weekend.
Drinks and groping, woo! High five.
Adorable! Good groping is good.
I am sorry things have gotten difficult. Indeed, learning to ask for what you want and need, and engaging, is advanced-level relationship stuff. The person on the other side has to be on board, though, right? Not to slag men, but many of the ones I’ve been interacting with lately are not up for that. Honesty seems impossible.
Anyway, reading profiles on OK Cupid has just started to make me irrationally angry and I am afraid I’m starting to get too embittered about being single. So I’m trying to let it all go.
Tonight, I am taking myself out on a date. We’re going to have a nice little dinner, then go to the midnight (OK, 11:30 pm) movie which just happens to be FURY ROAD. Followed by a quiet whisky and a drive home alone. I have been looking forward to it all week!
Yessssssss self-dates. That sounds great.
That sounds like an amazing self-date! Have fun!
Oh man, asking for what you want and need is so effing hard. I got smacked down for doing that a lot in my last relationship (it wasn’t a good relationship obvi) so I’m a little gunshy. But! Dude I’ve been Netflix and chilling with is coming over tonight and I promise to try hard to use my words. Which is the same thing I think I’ve been saying here for the past month but this time I mean it.
Fellow daters- what are your go to cheap/free dates? Dude and I are both broke at the moment but I’d like to do more than Netflix and chill.
Good luck with the words! It is hard and you’re doing good.
I really just like walks? People watching and talking about stuff we walk by. We went to a big cemetary and that was actually pretty good.
Going for walks. Going swimming if you have lakes or the ocean nearby. Reading out loud to each other. Puzzles or boardgames. Those are all things I can see doing with certain kinds of people that I would date but definitely not others, so, I don’t know how helpful that is.
The best first date I’ve ever been on was when we grabbed Turkish coffee and read each other’s grounds. Very silly, fun and inexpensive!
It’s still nice out so cheap/free outside dates are great! I like going to parks, wandering around and talking while drinking something seasonal like iced coffee or lemonade. If you’re in a city there might be free outdoor movies or concerts.
Okay, I haven’t been on a date in over ten years, but The Burgomaster and I are super, er, frugal people and we’ve spent many many evenings entertaining ourselves with a bottle of wine and Chat Packs. They’re not horribly expensive, and there are a lot of cards in each box. Sometimes the questions are bad/weird and we have to re-word them but it’s still a fun way for us to spend an evening.
Aaaaaaand the dude just cancelled. After we mutually postponed from last night. He’s under a time crunch for a personal project but my evil lizard brain is taking it personally. I’ll for sure be using my words the next time we get together.
It sounds like you have some really good strategies for working through these issues! I like what you said about what form of behavior could meet the want you’re experiencing.
My dating life is nonexistent yet also complicated. To wit: I met a friend in college five years ago, when I was a junior and she was a freshman. We hung out a lot and were lowkey crushing on each other for much of that time, but never really acted on it because my love life was a tangled web at that point. The next fall, I studied abroad. That spring, she studied abroad. I was looking forward to her getting back so maybe something could happen between us, but she transferred after her semester away and I haven’t seen her since. But we’ve both still had lowkey crushes on each other in the intervening years, though I’ve dated and fallen for other people.
In the past few months we’ve been talking and skyping much more and getting more explicit about our feelings for each other. She asked me if I wanted to be together officially. The thing is, I’ve had feelings for one of my other friends for about a year now, who’s been sending somewhat mixed signals. I was up-front about this with Long-Distance Girl, and said I wanted to figure out that situation before making any decisions. I got indirect verbal confirmation this past weekend that Nearby Girl likely does not return my feelings for her.
So the situation as it stands now is: I’m trying to get over NG, because I don’t want LDG to be my “second choice” or for her to feel like I’m settling for her. And I don’t want me to feel like I’m settling for her either! It should be an action, not a reaction; something I choose freely with no torches lit for anyone else. But at the same time, I’m not sure about the distance thing. She’s across the whole continent, and it would be so hard. But I like her SO much. So that’s where I’m at.
Oh, this is a lot going on! I feel you. I hope you get some clarity at some point.
I went on 2 dates with a perfectly nice dude, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. He kissed me after the second, and it did NOTHING for me. So I sent him a text to the effect of, “I don’t see this going in a romantic direction, but I’d like to be friends”–I actually would, he’s perfectly nice and interesting, I’m just not feeling it.
I have a voice in the back of my head shouting at me that that’s not a good enough reason–I know that voice is bullshit . . . right? I know it’s bullshit, but when it joins forces with the voice that says I’m never going to find anyone, I feel really crappy.
You have the perfect reason. The voice is bullshit.
Spend time with people you want to see, in whatever emotional capacity!
It’s a little bummer to say no to someone, and that’s okay to feel. Maybe you’ll end up with a great friend, maybe not. But you tried and met someone new and learned more about what you like and don’t like. That’s awesome!
The voice is bullshit! I have had that voice, and it gets drowned out when I meet someone I’m really excited about and remember what that’s like.
Being kind to yourself is tremendous.
And knowing what you want is paramount to getting what you want. So is asking for it. So is realizing sometimes it’s totally unrealistic and being stuck on a particular want means being doomed to disappointment. Sounds like you are on the right track, though.
It sounds like you and your regular date might want to revisit your arrangement too, if him revealing he’s been dating someone new took a whole month. I mean, for some relationships that’s fine, but it sounds like it bothered you a bit. Possibly I’m projecting though; a month seems to me like a long time to not tell you you have a new metamour.
I’m sorry to hear about your grey week, but I have an excellent and uplifting story to share. Last night I finally met up with the guy Ive been talking with online for a month. For context, I messaged him first on OKC, he’s bilingual in the same two languages as me, he’s 5 years younger, and he’s a fucking stud.
We have about 0 things in common except our raging sexual chemistry. Ladies, in the flesh he is even more magnificent than I could have dreamt. After a couple of beers we went back to his dingy student flat and had ALL THE SEX. Join me in my celebration of the male body. I love the feeling of running my hands up and along a man’s broad back, shoulders and arms. He is an extremely attentive lover (rare at his early 20s age) and has a filthy mouth WHICH I ADORE, and we are going to meet many more times and have many more excellent and mutually fulfilling sexcapades. It felt incredibly liberating to bang the shit out of him then get a cab home with ALL THE GLOW. I gave my cabbie a huge tip.
Also, the guy I fooled around with last week apologised for being awkward, so I’m thinking it’s not all as awful as it sometimes seems. PLUS I GET TO HAVE SEX WITH A DREAMBOAT.
Yay!
YAY! I laughed and loved this. The exuberance is wonderful.
I’ve no advice to offer, I’m afraid, just virtual support.
so um have been pining after a dude I kind of know. part of me wants to ask him out and part of me want to continue pining. all of me knows that the best way to gain clarity on this dude is to at least make out with someone else so that i know if I am just wowed by dude’s good looks or if i actually like him. he’s also the first dude probably ever that i have been interested in who has a similar religious background to me and i think that is making me scared. ok, just needed to get that out there. i live in the middle of nowhere, the options are limited and all my friends are married so they are no help at all. they enjoy 100% of my dating stories and find me straight up liquor (normally enjoy beer) when the dates go bad so it’s ok.
Hey guys,
I have a very specific question.
I’ve been back in America for the last year, after living in Britain for 6 years, as a student and at a job. And various visa things happened, and I’ve wound up back here. And now, I am desperate to get back, with a job, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice– I know all the laws and work arounds, but they’re practically non existent now.
My main goal is to get a training contract for law, which will deal with visas, but is pretty small odds for anyone applying. Does anyone have any experience with this, or any advice about getting over in general? I’m genuinely excited to do law, I should add. It’s not just a scheme to get back with a job.
I’m assuming you’re talking about getting a training and work experience visa. I got one 9 years ago through a company that specialized in getting hospitality people from one country to another. Not sure if there’s one out there for lawyers.
You’re right about all the work arounds and loopholes being closed. You’ve been here recently enough to know all the reasons. Best of luck, I’m sorry, you’ll need it.
No, I want a proper work visa so I can stay forever. Training contracts in Britain pay for your UK law degree, then hire you for the next two years, at least. So that would be another student visa and then a work visa, but they’re competitive and hard to get. Still, that’s probably the best route unless someone knows of a company that is hiring and would sponsor work visas.
This may be a dumb/obvious question, but do you actually have a qualifying UK legal degree/have you actually completed a conversion course? Because training contracts aren’t really for “your UK law degree,” they’re a two-year work program often coupled with the last stage of professional education, which I think is called the LPC. At the time you start a training contract, you will already have a law degree or equivalent. It’ll be an undergraduate degree rather than a graduate degree as here in the US, but I don’t believe you generally can get a training contract straight from, say, a maths degree.
(Sorry if you just weren’t trying to be technically precise, but since your description of your education/experience didn’t explicitly mention the relevant degree/conversion course/foreign qualification, I thought it best to mention it…)
Actually, you can do a training contract from a maths degree, because before the LPC, you do the GDL (Graduate Diploma in Law), which catches you up if you haven’t done an undergraduate law degree. So training contracts for people doing an undergraduate law degree start with a traineeship, but training contracts for people with undergraduate degrees in other subjects start with two years of school– GDL + LPC, which are paid for by the law firm you have a training contract with. So, technically my start date for the training contract would be, say, September 2018, but the two years before it would be covered and I’d have a stipend, and all of that is usually covered by the term ‘training contract’.
Ah, I didn’t realize they’d cover the conversion course as well as the LPC. Learn something new every day.
Oh yeah, I know you want to stay forever, I just thought you were going for the training and work experience thing and then try to get them to hire you on more permanently at the end. Because you’ll prove yourself to be so valuable and awesome they would sponsor you on a permanent visa rather than lose your awesomeness? I’m afraid I’ve reached the end of my knowledge on these things, the only reason i’m still here is that I married one of the local weirdos.
Oh! don’t know if this is the actual type of law you want to get into, but insurance seems to be one of the few industries where there’s still money getting thrown around. Not as much as your average banker city boys, but no one’s hurting for cash. It’s kinda boring (licensing agreements, contracts, CYA language on polices, etc) I only mention it because they’re already used to sponsoring their actuary’s training and plenty of them have strong US ties so might see your American passport as an advantage. Again, no idea if this is useful, but just throwing it out there.
Hope you find something.
Thanks, I’ll look into that! I actually find the very fiddly types of law really interesting (so, all law, I guess). The only thing I’m not up for is oil and gas stuff, because a) I don’t care and b) that’s a bit too far down different moral path, which I know is a bit of an arbitrary line but there we go.
Things:
– the office a/c is FREEZING today.
– I’m signing a lease today and moving on Monday! hadkfhgjkdfg my room is still a complete mess.
– my best friend finally got a job offer, which means she’ll be allowed to stay in the country for another year! yay!
I don’t think I’ve ever been this early to open thread! :O
I talked two weeks ago in the Open Thread about my tiny gingerbread loaf cat, Berry, and how he wasn’t doing well. Two weeks later, he’s still hanging in there! Over that weekend, the vet prescribed him some kitty steroids. Saturday and Sunday, his bloated abdomen actually went down and he started eating and pooping again. It went back to being bloated again on Monday though for some reason. Berry is still eating and pooping now and is actually more active than before the steroids so there’s that. The vet still doesn’t know what is causing this, but its likely a tumor of some kind. We as a family (mom, dad, and me) have decided that if it is a tumor, that we won’t be pursuing any sort of treatment because it would likely make Berry’s quality of life decline without a guarantee of it working. So for now, we’re just trying to keep him comfortable and happy (and not licking random shit off the floor!!!!!).
And in job news, I still haven’t found a job and I am constantly crabby and I just want to get my own place where I can eat Parmesan cheese at 12:30 am in peace without any sort of parental judgement. Also, having my own money to buy said Parmesean cheese might be nice, plus there’s like a billion other things like books and sewing supplies I want right now. But the company I had an interview with three Tuesdays ago, plus all the jobs I have applied for on USAJOBS have not gotten back to me! Parents just want me to get a job in the meantime so I’m not just sitting at home playing computer games, so I might have to work a temporary job while I look for a professional geology one. Maybe Joann’s fabrics? But UGHHHHHH job search stuff sucks 🙁
Awww. I’m glad to hear that your lil’ kitty is at least getting some relief from his ailments. Hang in there.
I’m glad to hear your kitty’s okay. I totally know about job search suckage, I’ve found one part time job and still need another one. I don’t have much advice at the moment other than to hang in there and try to keep your sanity.
Sending good thoughts for your kitty, and for you. That sounds rough. Having one’s own Parmesan is priceless.
Netrunner thread, maybe?
I did much better at my local Netrunner night this week. I mostly remembered the rules, and I won two of the four games I played. Both of those games did start with my opponent saying “this is a new deck, I’m still working on it,” but still.
Also, I should probably try to explain what Netrunner is, because I’ve been posting about it in open thread for, like, three weeks without defining it, and I didn’t really know what it was before I started playing, so probably a lot of other people don’t know what it is.
Netrunner is a two player card game where one player is a giant evil future corporation and the other player is a hacker who doesn’t realize that cyberpunk is no longer a thing. The hacker is called a runner, because cyberpunk. The corporation’s goal is to score agendas, which requires putting agendas in servers that the runner might hack/run. The runner’s goal is to steal the agendas.
It has a slightly steep learning curve because there are a bunch of different ways the corp & the runner can interact: the corp can put in software that hurts the runner* or tracks them down and does stuff to them; the runner can use different cards to mess with the corp’s draw deck or hand; the corp can do different mean things to the runner but often only if they have previously tracked the runner down and the runner hasn’t gotten rid of the resulting “tag”; and so on. So that’s a bit annoying from a learning curve perspective, but I think that having a bunch of different things to balance is a big part of what makes the game fun/interesting.
The other thing I should maybe mention is that it’s a “living card game.” That means you decide which cards you want to use, and there are a bunch of expansions so you can change things up by getting more cards. The expansions have specific cards in them so you can buy whichever expansions have cards you want.
*The runner can be hurt by software because they have a thing that connects their brain directly to their computer, because cyberpunk.
I love Netrunner, even though I’m a total noob still.
The best thing about Netrunner (aside from how wicked fun it is to play) is how supportive the community is. Even in online play, people are kind to one another, and they tend to hang around and chat and give each other helpful advice. It’s one of those places like The Toast, where you have to ask yourself, “Wait, is this really the Internet? Why aren’t people being horrible to each other?”
Also, the storyline of the game does a great job with gender balance and racial diversity. And it deals with questions of social justice, in its crazy dystopian sci-fi way. But the community of players is still very white and male. What’s funny and awesome, though, is that the players are aware of and embarrassed by this fact: they know there should be better gender balance. Netrunner has also been lauded for not having male-gazy card art – it’s certainly better than Magic in that respect, at least.
Yes!
The reason I knew about the event where I learned to play Netrunner is that the people who ran it asked a local group for nerdy women to promote it. It was nice to have that as evidence that they actively want women to be part of the community.
I’m regards to diversity, I am excited to see how the upcoming India cycle develops. Since a lot of cyberpunk has been western culture plus Japan.
I was really excited when they announced the theme of the Mumbad cycle too. Have you seen the spoliers for the new jinteki id that’s going to be released? I love the subtly creepy vibe.
Reading thread? I just finished the last Kitty Norville book (Kitty Saves The World) which is excellent high-stakes fluff and have finally started Station Eleven on this the third attempt at taking it out of the library.
Does anyone else find themselves in a weird kind of resistance to starting certain books? It feels related to the way my initial response to most social invitations is rejection, even though I know I’ll probably have a great time if I do go out. (It will come as no surprise that I’m loving Station Eleven now that I’ve started it)
I’m reading The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro – I was kind of hesitant to start it since it didn’t exactly get glowing reviews when it came out, but I’m enjoying it more than I thought I would. Still not 100% sold on it, but I’m interested to see where it goes.
Oooh, I really liked Station Eleven. I’m glad you do too!
I have a bunch of books at home that I’ve had for years, going on decades now, that I’ve never read.
I’m currently reading a book that I meant to read when it was first published 20 years ago, and I’m just kicking myself that I waited so long.
And I do check out books from the library, and they just sit there for 3 weeks and then go back. 🙁
Yes, I know exactly what you mean with the resistance. Exactly precisely. (I think I’m afraid of liking things too much.)
About to finish The United States of Arugula and then I think it’ll be back to Dame Agatha for the foreseeable.
I’m afraid of…change, maybe? Reading a new author means exposing yourself to different ways of thinking, which can be hard work and kind of threatening. It’s the one area I have compassion for the Sad Puppies of SF, their unwillingness to explore change.
United States of Arugula sounds awesome, off to request it from the library.
I have been uninspired in my reading lately. I finished The Buried Giant and now have had trouble picking up anything new. Part of it is that I don’t want to acquire more books without room to store them, so I’ve resolved to finally get my library card (after a year of living here!).
Also, I’m seeking recs for creepy and atmospheric books for Spooktober!
Yay for library cards!
I have a way overactive imagination so I don’t read creepy books, sorry for no recs!
I’m reading Sorcerer To The Crown which is a goddamn delight and exactly my catnip- Regency England but with magic! And the lead characters are POC! I can’t wait to nestle down and finish it.
That book is my long weekend reward purchase and I’m so looking forward to it!
I’m about a quarter of the way in and it makes me SO SO HAPPY.
Yes! I’ve definitely had that feeling, though I’m having difficulty coming up with a title to reference right now. It’s the same sometimes with TV shows.
I just finished Kissing Ted Callahan (and Other Guys) by Amy Spalding last night and am starting Caroline Zancan’s Local Girls.
I’m re-reading Far from the Madding Crowd and I feel like I never read it in the first place. I don’t remember a lot of it and find the banter at the malt man’s house really funny for some reason. It got lost in the fog of being an English major senior year of college.
I find I love re-reading but never do it unless I have to (for work or a book club), because there are too many books in the world.
For the same reason, I do feel resistant to certain types of books – adult bestseller thrillers, to be exact. And, lately, ponderous literary novels. But that bias I want to re-examine.
Just finished The Girl in the Road and now have to decide what to start next.
I’m reading the new Elena Ferrante book. I have to stop-and-start with those books though. I’m constantly a mix of enthralled and wanting to yell at the characters.
I’m reading Between You and Me, which is by a copy editor at the New Yorker. It’s fine and all (I needed something lighter to bridge between TNC’s book and Beauty Is a Wound) but I do wish there were more anecdotes such as the following: when a new junior copy editor tried to remove the hyphen from pan-fry, correctly asserting that there’s no hyphen in Webster 3, the head proofreader exclaimed “What are you even looking in the dictionary for?!” and later decried the editor as “lacking word sense.”
I really relate to the proofreader in this scenario.
KNEE-DEEP in that resistance stuff right now. I have a bunch of books from the library, all of which I’ve started and thought, “Hm, I will like this at some point…. but I don’t want to read it now [renew/return to pile at home].” Said books range from light froth (Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty) to heavier literary fiction (The Luminaries) to history (Duel, about Hamilton and Burr) and I’m just stalled on them all. I’m diverting myself with re-reads at the moment and am waiting for the energy/inspiration to try, try again.
I find I keep getting most of the way through a book and then just…leaving it. I’m about ten pages from the end of The Enchanted April and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? AND Oryx and Crake. And I’m really not liking Oryx and Crake but the other two were really nice and I don’t know why I haven’t finished them.
This week I read This One Summer by Jillian and Mariko Tamaki. It’s a graphic novel about a girl and her friend at a lake during the summer. It’s light on plot but it feels very true to life and the art is GORGEOUS. I love books where there’s just these little snippets you look at and say “yes, that is exactly real”.
I also read Boy Meets Girl by Meg Cabot. It wasn’t quite as good as The Boy Next Door, which it’s sorta-barely a sequel to, but it was light and fun and quick.
I loved This One Summer! You’re right, it was exactly real. I can remember feeling so many of the same things when I was that age.
Just finished crying my way through the last half of Everything I Never Told You this week (perfect timing with the Celeste Ng interview here at the Toast!). It was so, so good and so, so heartbreaking and a lot of it hit really close to home for me. I’ll be thinking about it for a long time.
I think next up will be Persepolis, which I have been meaning to read for years and years and years and the time has finally come!
Anyone interested in history books?
I am reading for comps right now, so I don’t have a TON of flexibility, but I really enjoyed “Facing East From Indian Country,” by Daniel Richter, so much that I regretted that I didn’t have time to really read it, instead of grad-school-skim-read it. So I recommend it.
In fiction, I am defiantly reading Naomi Mitchison’s The Corn King and the Spring Queen on my morning commute, on my phone, and it’s weird but I like it. Mitchison, who I just discovered recently, was kind of amazing.
Naomi Mitchison. YES. I love her.
I’m taking a slight break from Necromicon (which I am now 65% of the way through, Randy Waterhouse sections be damned) to read the comic Sex Criminals: Vol I. Love it so far. It’s about a guy and a girl who can freeze time after they have sex and then use the ability to rob banks.
So, a huge part of European anti-immigration racism is the belief that the rest of the world is pretty much fucked anyway. Everything sucks, nothing is fixable, everyone is under-educated, ignorant, probably diseased etc, so it doesn’t really matter whether we accept refugees or not, everyone’s screwed, nothing ever gets better, let’s just do nothing even if that means they drown.
In the light of that, now behold PROFESSOR HANS FREAKING ROSLING of Gapminder fame laying down the law with an ignorant Danish journalist: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10605…
Also, this is even funnier if you’ve seen his Gapminder videos, where he’s unfailingly mild-mannered, cheerful and nerdy. This is like watching a kindly grandpa finally lose his patience.
Loved this! Thank you!
This was fantastic, and a needed antidote to all the idiocy!
They’ve just announced that the UK will accept more Syrian refugees now (finally) and I am anticipating the less savoury of my customers ( I work with people on job seekers or disability benefits to help them find jobs. Some are more interested in this outcome than others (and some are referred to us that should not be put in this position but that’s another story)) starting the cry of “they’re taking our jobs! that’s why no one will hire me!” (No, dear heart, no one is hiring you because you have again, only pretended to apply for work without actually doing it.)
Um, I’m not really into condescension towards people on unemployment or disability. Sure, it’s not the refugees’ fault that it’s hard to get a job, but it’s not because unemployed people or disabled people aren’t trying hard enough either. It’s pretty hopeless to try to get a job with a spotty employment history and a longterm disability, and it can feel even worse when someone who already has a good job is trying to convince you to just try harder to follow the steps.
I’m sorry, I said that poorly and tarred everyone with the same brush. Most of the people I work with are trying and trying damn hard to get a job or move forward in their lives, and as a result most of my work is supporting their morale and reminding them how much they have accomplished, as well as actual job searching related stuff. I should not have mentioned disabilities in my comment because I did not mean to refer to any of my customers with disabilities.
As for the people I spoke about, being on benefits does not give anyone a pass on racism or xenophobia, and that’s what I meant. This seems to go hand in hand with the people who are frequently not applying for any jobs at all.
Oof. I–sorta–made it through my first week of teaching, followed by tripping and falling flat on my face getting onto a CTA train, which is always suuuper good for self-esteem, and banging my fibro-riddled, exhausted body up a bit. Not as bruised as I expected, although big bruise on that sticky-out part below the big toe.
Teaching. . .idk. It’s taking forever for them to finish my background check so they won’t give me an e-mail address or access to Blackboard or an ID card to get in and out or a copy code. The office is supposed to be open from 8-5 (my classes start at 8 and 5:30 respectively) but it seems to be more like 8:30ish-4ish, which makes a big difference since I am a still at my other job. And noone’s offices if where they list them in their signatures. I didn’t expect to be handheld but I thought I would have a little more orientation, I guess. And not being able to give my email or say where office hours will be or being able to have copies of a syllabus to hand out makes me feel really water-treading and unprepared, which I’m sure comes off in my teaching. One class is definitely bigger than the other, and going to be more of a challenge, I think, and I feel like I got off to a bad start because they told me the name of the wrong substitute,and I couldn’t track down their diagnostic essays–they were REALLY put out having to write another paragraph in class and by my giving them any work at all for the long weekend, but there is so much material I am supposed to get them through and I already feel super-behind. Also, a few of them free wrote kind of heartbreaking stuff in their freewrites and I’m like, “crap, this feels well above my pay grade.”
Hidey-cat actually emerged last Friday night and has been her old friendly self with me, but there’s been some aggression from Intrepid Explorer Cat, which is making me nervous–it ounds like really hissing, not play hissing, and definitely seems scent related (Clio will come over as if to nuzzle Caliope, sniff, and then Hisssssssssss. I freaked myself out reading a story on like about a pair of sibling cats who had a traumatic move and were never cuddly and affectionate again, never getting past a hostile detente.
Was there ever a Chicago meet-up and I totally spaced? I would still love to meet Chicago-area toasties. . .
About the kitties, I only have the one cat so I’m no expert on cat couples-therapy but when we moved and our cat was being skittish I got this pheromone spray that is supposed to replicate the pheromones put off by a mother cat and make cats calmer. That might be an option? Also, I’ve definitely seen people recommending tricking antagonistic cats into being affectionate by putting a bit of some food they like (coconut oil or tuna or something) on one so the other will lick it off. That might get them reacquainted with each other’s scent in a positive way.
There was a meetup at the Violet Hour a few weeks ago but I flaked because it is so far awaaaaaay.
There’s a facebook group (replacing the old page) you should join! Also, the Rogers Park Toast Contingent is trying to get a monthly meetup going on the first Thursday of the month, starting in October. I realize that RP is only convenient for those of us who live there, so feel free to suggest alternate places!
Oh my god, that school’s business practices sound horrible. So sorry you’re having to deal with that. Ugh.
i will 2nd the suggestion of pheromone spray for your cats, but you can also try play therapy. sometimes upping their play time will help relieve anxiety and aggression. this is best if done for a bit before mealtime, as the play / meal mimics a hunt & kill. hopefully once they’ve exercised and eaten, they’ll have a good attitude towards each other.
however, i did have elderly cats, who finally just didn’t want to be friends anymore. there were definitely health & geriatric discomfort issues at play, and they weren’t into playing anymore, so in that case, making sure they each have safe spaces is good too, like a tree or a few beds, etc.
SOUR CHERRY! so much jealousy! 🙂
Usually I only see sour cherries briefly in early June, if at all, and buy them up as soon as I see them before they disappear, and make pies and jam and anything else I can think of. Impressed that your mom found some so late in the season (or maybe she used jam she already had?)
Meee too.
I picked and froze a ton this year, for future pies and jam. There are never enough sour cherries, alas.
Toasties, how do you engage with friends who unexpectedly say pretty shitty things? One of my closest friends, who I lived with for four years, sent me a text out of the blue this week that seemed to be her idea of, “haha, listen to this funny thing that just happened,” but was fairly upsetting. The gist of it was that she walked her bike past two Indian women who were talking to each other about medicine and then walked past two Chinese men who took up the whole sidewalk and didn’t make space for her to get by. She ended it by saying, “I guess that’s why stereotypes exist; because they’re true.” I really don’t know how to talk to her about why this is shitty thing to believe in a way that will be productive, especially since my last attempts to talk to a friend about why what they just said was racist ended up with the person I was talking to calling me venomous and coming up with the most absurd defensive white boy shit imaginable. Does anyone have any advice?
Sometimes I just take those as messages from the universe that this is not someone tat I’m every going to be very close with. I have a friend with whom I work out a lot. And she’s said some mean-spirited things about me and others that I sort of want to confront her about but I just think to myself “we are workout buddies and sometimes have coffee and she is not my best friend and I just have to draw different boundaries for her.”
I’ve been employing some Captain Awkward scripts to great effect lately. One time a dude even made a point to seek me out later and apologize! Simple phrases like “That’s a weird thing to say.” or “That’s really offensive” or even just a “Wow.” can be super effective if you say them with the right tone. I try to say them in a declarative tone that doesn’t encourage conversation. If the person gets defensive, maybe don’t be close friends with that person. But I’ve found that most decent people will either shut up or apologize. It’s super super uncomfortable the first couple times because if you’re anything like me you tell yourself she didn’t mean it that way or you’re just being too sensitive. That’s why the simple declarations work, for me at least. Your mileage may vary!
I think I would mention something the next time you see or talk to her, maybe near the end of the conversation, that’s basically like: “Hey, you said this thing that made me really uncomfortable and I thought it was racist and not okay. I was really surprised to hear it from you, and it bothered me a lot.” If she is a good friend and a good person, hopefully she won’t react defensively. And if she does, that’s an easy way to know (if you don’t already, as Momthra pointed out) that she is not the best person to be close with!
I like the Bafflement Tactic. Like, you pretend you simply don’t understand why it was funny and you make them explain it. “What do you mean? What stereotype? …Oh, is that supposed to be a joke? I guess I don’t get it. Explain it again?” Then by then they’re usually so uncomfortable they’ll mumble something and change the subject.
Yikes. Rough sitch. Honestly… I tend to set things on fire, and have no qualms laying it out like I see it when it comes to major moral/ethical/humanitarian stuff. People who are going to be friends of mine have to be open to discussion about our mutual moral and ethical ground, and their (as well as my) treatment of people around us. I expect true friends to call me out on stupid shit, and help me be the person I want to be, and likewise, I would want to offer the same.
My stock reply is usually something like, “That’s one way of putting it”, in my most uncomfortable tone. (I usually have to do this when people at work think it’s okay to use the R word as a synonym for “frustrating”.) The thing is, I’ve had YEARS to develop the tone that I’m not fucking joking about how grossed out I am by their language. If you laugh out of nervousness, it can sound like you’re agreeing with them.
I need this thread because my reaction is to very awkwardly call it out, get dismissed, and then sort of avoid them for a long time.
Friends, my new supervisor is not as good as my previous one. He haunts me and tries to micromanage my schedule, even though I have historically been very good at keeping that schedule up. FURTHERMORE, I suspect he has a problem with ladies, because he is not as harsh and critical with me as he is with some of my co-workers, who are very upset by it.
Oh dear. 🙁
Micromanagers are the woooorst!. No, wait. Misogynist micromanagers are the worst.
Yesterday was the utter worst, because for some reason IT had decided that “the middle of a Thursday” was the best time to swap out the servers, making almost all work impossible, and this guy swings by my desk telling me, “Can you get X project done by 2:00 today?” and then he just stands there at my desk waiting for me to do it.
Only, I can’t do it, I can’t do anything because the servers are not working, so I’ve got to just try to log on over and over again for five minutes with him watching over my shoulder until he finally leaves.
uggghh
I have realized an embarrassing thing. This entire time I thought that Celeste Ng and Elena Ferrante were the same person and somehow that Everything I never Told You and Those Who Leave and Those Who stay were books in the same series. I was really confused when I started reading “My Brilliant Friend” because I kept waiting for the asian/biracial characters and themes to show up and wondering how they would possibly fit into the book, and of course they never did. It was not until The Toast posted author information on both of them this week that I figured it out.
So question, have you ever mixed up authors/books/anything else that are actually unrelated.
*Note Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon don’t count, fifty percent of the population** still thinks they are the same person.
** It’s not been conclusively proven that they aren’t the same person.
I used to mix up The Cult, The Clash and The Cure all the time, to the dismay of my music-nerd roommate.
I had the worst time with The Posies and The Pixies for a few years.
Jimmy Fallon is your funny friend who is kind of a dork and laughs at his own jokes; Jimmy Kimmel is the funny guy in your social circle who acts kind of like an asshat when he thinks other people are taking up more of the spotlight than he is.
HTH.
I thought Tyler Florence and Bobby Flay were the same person for a while and didn’t get why he seemed so nice on some shows and such a raging asshat on other shows.
Also when I was younger I thought Lee Iacocca and The Ayatollah were the same person.
I mixed up John Cena and Michael Cera, which made a recent meme very confusing.
One time I mixed up William H Macy and John Wayne Gacy.
Ed Hardy and Tom Hardy. My actual though upon watching Fury Road (after “whoa that was amazing”) was: “Hey, that guy who makes terrible t-shirts can really act. That’s surprising.”
My mother used to get Alan Greenspan and Allen Ginsburg confused which made for some very interesting conversations.
geraldine page is not ruth gordon
tom ford is not marc jacobs
anne sofie mutter is not anne sophie von otter
paul thomas anderson is not wes anderson
andrew solomon is not andrew sullivan
amy schumer is not amy poehler
bill kristol is not bill keller
I keep a list in Evernote.
also wes anderson is not wes craven (and wes craven is not cameron crowe)
One time I bought a book by Shelley Jackson because I thought it said “Shirley Jackson” on the spine. It was ok, I guess. I like Shirley Jackson better, of course.
I constantly mix up Robin Williams and Bill Murray. I don’t know why, but it leads to me sometimes being sad when it isn’t called for.
Oh my god.
Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon are different people.
I need to go lie down.
FORCE FRIDAY!
Who else is a giant Star Wars nerd? Who wants me to help plan a birthday party for their kid so I can do this and live vicariously through them?
I want to run out and get star wars lipstick like now. Unfortunately I don’t think my boss would be okay with that. (Okay with open thread? Yes. Okay with a trip to the drug store? Maybe not…)
They really missed the opportunity to make the lipstick cases look like lightsaber hilts, I’m just saying.
And lipsticks in lightsaber colors?? YES how did they not do that??
I almost teared up earlier at a stupid Walmart ad about passing on the fandom to a new generation. I have so many Star Wars feels today.
I want to spawn just so I can do Star Wars-y things with them.
VIDEOGAME THREAD! What are you playing this weekend?
Blergh, I’ve spent the last week dealing with healthcare stuff (got my COBRA notification one day after I need to cancel it, because I’m now on my husband’s healthcare…but the new insurance is late in actually sending me proof…and my anti-depressant prescription runs out tomorrow…) and trying to figure out both me and my husband’s future (am I going with him to California, or is he going with me to Pennsylvania?? Who knows????). All I want to do is goddamn play the new Dragon Age: Tresspasser DLC, but it’s not out until Tuesday, and wooooe isss meeeeee. And spoilers from datamining indicate that shit is gonna go dooooown. On the plus side, after the most recent DA:I patch, you can NOW WEAR NON-PAJAMA CLOTHES IN SKYHOLD.
Awww yissss. (From reddit.)
I had the very specific angst of having JUST started a new playthrough of DA:I when the DLC was announced, but my new Quizzie is probably not the one I’d prefer to use for Tresspasser. DAMMIT. But I’m like 15 hours in already! Whine!
I am excited about not-pajamas, though.
I have no idea whether to start with A) My first mage Inquisitor, who was an awesome-looking femQunari and was friends with (almost) all the companions, or B) My second pro-Templar human rogue Inquisitor, who had a less complete playthrough and pissed off some people, but who was more *interesting* and fun to play and who romanced (unfff) Cullen. Maybe A first, in case there’s a possible tragic ending. (Though I’ll feel bad about Inquisitor A’s relationship with Blackwall ending tragically too! But…Cullen!)
Also, on the plus side, the DLC takes place specifically *after* the game, so an old Inquisitor might be preferable anyway in this case?
I don’t have any old saves to import, sadly. I switched from ps3 to xbox one, so. Welp. Male qunari mage it is!
Aw, nutsadoodle! Whoyagonnaromance?
Well, I’d like to actually do the Iron Bull romance, but let’s be honest: Dorian. Always Dorian.
Dorian is my in-game bestie. I play as a lady, so alas, I cannot romance him. Cullen, however. Yum. I keep meaning to go for Iron Bull or Josephine, but I can’t resist that curly top and his fluffy coat!
I was strongly tempted by Iron Bull last time I played, but then I got to Skyhold and Cullen gave me this concerned look saying that he was happy I was safe, and I was a goner.
Dorian is the number one character I have to be friends with every time. Next on my romance list, when I finally make a male character.
You will not be disappointed. 🙂
I feel like I hardly need to respond to the video game threads anymore, because I’m just gonna keep playing Mass Effect until my computer melts. (5th playthrough and counting!)
Very sorry about your insurance situation, though. I wish I had helpful advice, working in healthcare, but it’s just as much a mystery to me. Best of luck getting it sorted out!
I feel you. I have about 500 hours plugged into Skyrim.
OH MAN SKYRIM
I’ve definitely had people confront me by yelling “There ARE other games!” No. There is only Skyrim. (Although I bought Dragon Age Inquisition because I heard it was like Skyrim but with more plot, and now I’m addicted. Partway through my first playthrough, and I really don’t want to ever put it down).
Same. Though I still play Skyrim just for the walking around and the dragon shouts. And the sneaking. And the houses and books, and the scenery, and the alchemy….
One of my non-gamer friends watched her brothers play Red Dead Redemption and described it to me as “that cowboy game where you run around and pick flowers.” I realized how many of my games could also be described by “that ____ game where you run around and pick flowers.”
I barely even make potions! I just have to collect all the crafting materials I see! (In Skyrim, I enchant to make my $, and basically get by on health/stamina/mana potions).
On my to-do list for unemployment: learn to mod Skyrim! I managed to hammer together a totally empty two-room Nord ruin last weekend, and I was so fucking pleased with myself.
That’s awesome! I can’t mod, but the modding community seems really cool. I tweeted awhile back that I wanted to be able to marry Urag Gro-Shub (Orc librarian in the Mage’s Guild) and immediately someone replied saying they also loved him and since they knew they weren’t alone, they made a mod. So that’s how I got my first mod. 🙂
I’ve been trying to get my two favourite post-game inquisitors ready for Trespasser, which meant importing one from my ps3 and playing the Descent with her (finished!) and finishing Jaws of Hakkon with the other one (…less finished)
I’m very proud of how Melory turned out after I imported her! She is SO PRETTY AND BADASS check that armour damn.
That is really cool armour! (I’m obsessed with making pretty colour-co-ordinating armour; don’t care how good it is, no one’s wearing it if it’s not cute.)
Colour coordinating your armour is super important. Each of my inquisitors has a particular cloth I prefer to use- Melory usually has ring velvet because it’s so fancy and shiny, but I didn’t tint that set with it. Ruckus (my other post-game inquisitor) has everknit wool, because the green makes him look dashing.
I definitely use cloth determined by their personalities. I spent way too much time making the perfect armor for Dorian. It should be fancy and comfortable, but not too flashy. (We went with Royale Sea Silk and Lazurite trim).
Dorian is currently serving as my man-candy in one of the qunari armours. THEM ABS. I actually tried giving them to my other inquisitor to wear and I was like ‘…no I can’t look at my precious dwarf child in this’.
Ha! I haven’t gotten an Quinari armor to give him yet. Iron Bull seems to turn nearly everything into shirtless armor, which is fine for me. THOSE ARMS.
I definitely choose Varric’s armor based on whether or not it will show his fabulous chest hair. Scout coat? Yes. Scout mail? Nope! Sorry. I need that sexy dwarf chest in my party. Also, I’m cranky that I can’t ever wear Vivienne’s fabulous Maleficent hats. She looks gorgeous in them, but I’m the Inquisitor, dammit. I want a Maleficent hat!
Corollary to this: never put the qunari light armor on Cole. Don’t do it. Just…no. Never. Don’t try. Uh uh. No.
That Hakkon armor really is the best, isn’t it? It’s honestly hard to find anything else which looks that good! Also, your Inquisitor is indeed *fantastically* pretty and badass! 😀
My girls, as they will be entering Trespasser:
Very nice, ladies! Which armour is Junia wearing? I love the shoulders.
This is Ruckus in his new casual wear:
Templar Warrior armor schematic, but crafted with Silverite so it’s cross-class – on a Rogue, it turns into the above padded jacket with crazy pauldron, and an excellent patterned sash.
Ruckus is looking most sophisticated indeed!
Ooooh, what staff is your mage using?? I love.
Staff of Corruption! Apparently you can get the staff from Calpernia, if she’s your rival, in the Templar route? I just bought the schematic from the Black Emporium “Schematics of Legend” store and crafted an even more powerful version of it, though.
Fun tip: the new Golden Nug feature, which is unlocked after you complete the game once, lets you back up any collectable (which includes all schematics) to a central sever, and then sync those collections between ANY characters. This totally breaks the game’s economy in an awesome way. I did the following: save game -> travel to Black Emporium and buy expensive schematics -> return to Skyhold and sync with Golden Nug -> reload save and get my money back -> travel back to Emporium and buy *more* schematics… etc. etc. etc. Now I have all the Black Emporium schematics and I spent absolutely no money.
I’m never gonna finish my Nicest Qunari In Thedas playthrough in time for the new DLC! It’ll have to be my original on-fire-for-the-maker mage. Maybe she can declare herself andraste reborn and ascend to the heavens. She’d like that. As long as it was commemorated by a giant gold statue.
She and Solas…really didn’t get on. That’s going to bite me in the ass, isn’t it. (He looked like a total peasant! How was she supposed to know he was important!?)
“I suspect you have questions…”
“Yeah, Solas. Where the FUCK is that armor I gave you?”
I actively tried to piss him off on my last playthrough, but I never quite got him pissed enough that I could punch him in the face. Which is a thing you can do.
joke’s on him! i never took him anywhere (vivian 5eva!) so he got nothing from me! (I never managed to punch him either, but Elizabeth Trevelyan wouldn’t stoop to fisticuffs. She’d have some discreet people rough him up for her, maybe make him tranquil. She’s classy like that.)
Haha, yeah, last time I played, this is what he was wearing right before final mission:
30something hours in and I’m still vaguely fumbling through DoTA 2 – it’s so complicated! I love playing Axe (because I am a jerk), Crystal Maiden (because I am a team player), and Queen of Pain (because her lines are SO CHEESY and also her blink ability is great).
I’m playing with a bunch of dudes and they all learned it way faster than I did, which kinda sucks.
Man, everyone sure loves Dragon Age. It’s all over my tumblr dash!
I got sucked back in to Dark Souls and started a new playthrough in DS and Dark Souls 2, trying some new builds and comparing the games. I’ve been a nigh-evangelical convert to the series for a couple years now and played all the entries but this is the first time since my introduction to the series that I’ve replayed Dark Souls, and it is really really good but also very hard, still, after all this practice. Do any other Toasties play/love these games?
I need to buy this. I am currently obsessed with DA:I (we just got it), and those fugly pajamas are killing me. Eeee!
Actually, the pajama part is free! 🙂 It just came out in a patch yesterday, totally free, along with a semi-new-game-plus mode feature! (Assuming you’re on XboxOne/PS4/PC, that is – the 360 and PS3 stopped getting updated, unfortunately 🙁 ).
Oh my goodness! I saw the game had a 45 minute estimated update last night, and I told it not to update because I wanted to get in a bit of playing and go to bed in an hour! I could have been pajama free then! So exciting!
Did anyone play Regency Love on iOS? It was recced a couple of weeks ago in the video game thread. It’s adorable, but when I tried to get the Bad Ending (by being a huge jerk) I managed to completely break the game. Oops!
I downloaded Baldur’s Gate from GOG after my husband wouldn’t shut up about it for a few days, and now *I* won’t shut up about it. I KILLED AN OGRE YOU KNOW. I AM VERY POWERFUL AND SUCCESSFUL.
ARGH! I cannot figure out why none of the Origin content will download for me. I desperately want to get back to DA:I again with new content but just have had not had leisure and brainpower to troubleshoot.
I will likely be hitting D3 like it owes me money. I was hoping to either get my DH or wizard geared up enough to do t40 solo grifts by the end of the weekend, but with a toddler and a fibro flare-up making my hands useless, this may be a pipe dream.
I have a bunch of crap to finish to be able to fly in Draenor but since I am not raiding at the moment… eh. WoW feels less that worth it. I have spikes of interest in which i work on the pet achieves but… I have a big case of meh since the last raiding guild I was running dissolved during my move. I will go back to it with the expansion, of course, because… dammit, I just can’t quit you, WoW. Meanwhile, D3 and now maybe some DA, since you reminded me how long it has been since I played my lovely Inquisitor.
Romance novel thread? I just glommed two Rose Lerner books last night, staying up way too late because I didn’t want to stop. She is now solidly in my favorites list. One of them was A Lily Among Thorns, where the heroine is a former prostitute-now-notorious-innkeeper-with-a-supposed-heart-of-stone and the hero is an adorable tailor/chemist/dyemaker parson’s son who needs her help and consistently treats her with complete and utter respect. It avoided so many tropes while reversing so many others and now I have all the good book feels.
Oooh, thanks for that rec! I’m reading Meredith Duran’s latest — she often has tropes (and all her Heroes are basically the same person), but her writing is SO GOOD. And this latest rocks the boat more!
Oh, good! I’ve been eyeing that one!
I’ve been meaning to try some Rose Lerner! I’m a sucker for historicals that have non-aristocratic main characters and I know that’s her thing. While I’m at it, does anyone else have any non-ballroom non-Duke historical recommendations? Even the somewhat lesser aristocracy would be better than another novel about the filthy rich and powerful (although I like quite a few of those, too)
I just finished the first of Shannon Stacey’s Kowalski series, since I’m trying to read more contemporary. It was a mixed bag, since it was light and funny and sometimes the dialogue was great but other times the dialogue was terrible and the ending made me really really mad. I’ve seen so many people rave about her, though, so I’m hoping the next one in the series is a bit more consistently good.
For other historicals, some of Courtney Milan’s books avoid too much aristocracy- usually at least half the couple isn’t titled. A few of her novellas also fit that mold and are incredibly good. Elizabeth Hoyt’s Maiden Lane series, set in the late 1700s in London, also has a good mix of backgrounds for characters.
Thanks! Courtney is actually my favourite romance author, but I’ll have to check out Elizabeth Hoyt
I picked up A Fashionable Indulgence by KJ Charles and… it was really good? Regency m/m romance between a radical and a dandy with excellent writing and hot sex scenes.
I loved it so much I bought and read two more KJ Charles books in two days and I’m finishing up the third this weekend–the Charm of Magpies series. Victorian supernatural gay romance, amazing characters and blazing hot sex with explicit, enthusiastic consent.
KJ CHARLES FOR PRESIDENT
I’ve heard really great things about the Magpies books!
Love me some Rose Lerner! I just finished a Lisa Kleypas contemporary trilogy, and I liked the characters and the story was fine, but I started a list of things Lisa Kleypas does not care to know, including: what an actual dancer looks like nekkid; the difference between vellum, parchment and paper; the actual names of heritage fruit. Then I tried to let go of that stuff and enjoy the story. Apparently she or her minion eschews Google?
Ooooh, I haven’t read any of her books yet…I shall put them on the top of my TBR list…
I devoured Mary Balogh’s newest book, “Only A Kiss”, this week. There is NO ONE who does angst and broken people coming together better than her. The Survivor series has been soooo good and the last one is coming out next year and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I love Mary Balogh so much — the one that was a high-point for me was The Gilded Web. It takes the fact that women have no power in a Regency marriage seriously. Alexandra is unhappy and controlled by her father, but she has to get to the point of choosing marriage rather than having it thrust upon her, b/c this is a big decision. If she choses wrongly she’ll be in a worse position than before. The hero’s journey from ‘this is a no-brainer, just marry me already’ to respecting her decisions is also a crucial one for him too. I love a good accidental marriage plot, but Balogh actually thinks through how marriage changes everything for women (in this time period) and how big the risks are.
ETA I just read some reviews on Amazon and a good chunk of people hated this book. One thing I liked about the book and others hated is that Alexandra isn’t likeable: she’s traumatised, she doesn’t know that she should just follow the romance-story-script and marry the hero already, she has a hard time understanding other people’s emotions b/c she doesn’t express her own. Her change is slow and unsteady.
Hello Toast Folk,
I’m a long-time lurker here, and wanted to thank you all for making the Toast the toastiest, most excellent place on the internet.
I really value your collective wisdom and would love to ask you for your input:
I work in an education-related job, and one of my favourite parts of the job (sadly also one of the smallest parts) is recommending books to children (age 5-14). What books do you wish someone had recommended to you when you were a child/pre-teen?
This is my kind of question! Recommending books to kids is my fave also. These are more in the 10-14 bracket, and I still love them all.
Seven Daughters, Seven Sons is amazing. I don’t remember the author but it’s a favorite.
My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell. This was formative for me, highly recommend.
The Wonderful O by James Thurber.
The Enchanted Forest books by Patricia Wrede, for the fantasy-lovers/anyone who likes Anne McCaffrey.
13-14-year-olds are in the right age range for the Bartimaeus trilogy by Jonathan Stroud, which I cannot recommend highly enough for anyone who especially enjoyed Harry Potter or seems to be on track for Garth Nix’s Sabriel series or for an eventual reader of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell when they are much older. (also, do not despair; the first book focuses on dudes mostly, but this changes.)
11-14-year-olds could also check out some Agatha Christie! The Mysterious Affair at Styles was my first and my little sister’s first in turn.
edit: how did I forget Abarat by Clive Barker? Super vivid, pretty creepy, but GREAT.
My Family and Other Animals is awesome!
Abarat is still one of my favourite books! Except the third one in the series, I thought it took a weird turn with the tone, just for the sake of wrapping things up nicely. I still occasionally have nightmares about Mendelson Shape though.
I would add the Tamora Pierce’s Circle of Magic books to 10 and ups and the Tortall books to older readers. Although she does have an unfortunate tendency to write White Savior narratives. Also, Mercedes Lackey’s Arrow series has excellent feminist talking horses for the nerdy horse-girl crowd.
This is the first time in a long time someone has beat me to “The Bartimaeus Trilogy is amazing, tell all young teens to read it.” Wholeheartedly seconding this recommendation!
I’ll add Watership Down, again on the middle school and older range–still one of my favorite books.
My sister, when she was in that age range, loved the book series about school for teen spies–I forget the series details, but the first book was “I’d tell you I love you, but then I’d have to kill you.” That’s one series I wish had come out when I was a bit younger. The author has another teen espionage series out now too. This is a recommendation not in the “life-changing” sense but in the “lots of fun” sense.
Sadly I’m too busy at work to give this question the attention it deserves…recommending books is one of my favorite things too.
I’m always a fan of the Phantom Tollbooth?
I could name my favorite books, but as a librarian who works with teens, (and you probably know this already) I’d say the most important thing is to talk to and listen to what the kids like and go from there. YALSA and ALSC put out a bunch of lists with recommended books for many age ranges that can give you a head start on the cream of the crop (as decided by librarians) in fiction and non-fiction.
but I will say that I do love Our Friends at Maple Hill Farm if you need a fun picture book to read to a younger child, and as I teen I would have appreciated the non-fiction book Body Drama for learning to like my body a bit more (it does have non-sexualized pictures of vulvas, though, don’t know if that’s something your organization is cool with)
Thanks everyone! Your recommendations sound great.
Our Friends at Maple Hill Farm is a personal favourite of mine!!
Body Drama sounds excellent and I will look it up. I am thankfully allowed to recommend books with non-sexualized vulvas, and am always very happy to suggest books like this that have the potential to make such an important difference in young people’s lives.
Elidor by Alan Garner
The Swallows and Amazons books by Arthur Ransom
The Redwall books by Brian Jacques
I was obsessed with Nancy Drew and the Conch Bearer.
I was gifted ‘Saving Francesca’ by Melina Marchetta at like 13 and it remains one of my favorite books to this day.
Maybe this is an obvious one, but reading Island of the Blue Dolphins around age 10 was really important for me. Seeing a young girl surviving alone by her wits and courage is great for both boys and girls, I think.
Fellow delurkers unite! These recommendations are all for a certain kind of pre-teen or teen but are a couple I remember:
Fat Kid Rules the World by KL Going. This was one of the first books I really remember seeing my own experience of fatness reflected in a novel. (Add to this the usual caveat that there is no universal fat experience, etc.)
The Old Kingdom Triology by Garth Nix, especially Sabriel. I really related to her feelings of awkwardness and not belonging.
Your name is fantastic. <3
I was given “Charmed Life” by Diana Wynne Jones by my art teacher when I was 12. She knew I was having a rough year and thought I might like it. It’s one of my favorite books of all time, and I highly recommend all of DWJ’s books. The best thing is that she has books that are appropriate for a whole spectrum of ages, including older teens/adults. Same goes for Eva Ibbotson, who tends to write for a slightly younger audience but whose books I still adore as an adult.
The Tamora Pierce books!
The first Circle of Magic quartet (first book is Sandry’s Book) is good for kids probably age 9 and up. The main characters are 10 and 11. The follow-up quartet, The Circle Opens, catches up with them in their early teens, and is appropriate for probably pre-teens and upwards. The final book is a little more mature (it has The Sex! and some pretty complicated, adult, friendship/family issues), but would be good for teenagers.
Her Tortall books (three quartets and a two-part series) are probably best for 12-13 and up? Sex happens off-screen. There are wonderful magical adventures and real-life issues and MAGIC SWORDS and fantasy beasts and Responsibility and all kinds of stuff, plus frank and unembarrassed talk about puberty, sex, and the like. My personal favorites are the Daine books (starting with Wild Magic) and the Kel books (starting with First Test) but lots of people really like Song of the Lioness as well.
excuse me while I go back and reread them ALL.
I stumbled onto The Perilous Gard as a nine year old and it changed the course of my life. No really. I still aspire to be the main character. So good. So damn good.
Seconding the rec for Watership Down, and I very much liked From Anna by Jean Little. Perfect platform for talking about how we treat disabled people if you’re so inclined. Also Ursula Le Guin’s Earthsea books.
DAISY TAKES ON COLLEGE THREAD:
Holy crap guys Intro to Queer studies is blowing my tiny little virgin mind. It’s glorious and perfect.
I signed up to be a wardrobe assistant for our Restoration comedy we’re doing, and Ive spent a lot of my time either consoling my roomie with her bio chem stuff and listening to the God Help the Girl soundtrack on vinyl.
We had a fire drill just as I was settling down with Khabi Khushi Khabi Gham. It was sad.
There’s so much drama around elections. Im running for song chair, because Ive already written three song parodies for Agnes Scott.
Im not missing home as much as I thought I would. Agnes feels so much like home it’s insane.
I GET TO SEE ROXANE GAY TOMORROW. Anybody else going to the Decatur book festival??
(also http://imgur.com/a/B9iuY is an imgur folder of my dorm photos. It’s mainly DIY and Im really proud.)
Love you all!
AHHHH NEW TO COLLEGE!
THE BEST! I’m so excited for you!
thanks!
That is an awesome dorm room! Also, I don’t know what a song chair is but I love it based solely on the title 🙂
Basically I’d write the Class of 2019 song for our version of Homecoming.
No football = MORE TIME FOR DANCES AND SINGALONGS AND BONFIRES
That feeling of having your mind blown in class is the best, the best thing ever.
LAB SAFETY loling forever!
I’ve been absent from open threads for so many weeks! Two weeks ago I had a Work Emergency and last week I went up to Cape Cod, which was LOVELY.
So….are there any other Perpetual Quitters out there in Toast land? I feel like my whole life, I’ve picked up hobbies for a few months or years, then gotten frustrated with them and dropped them. Piano, horseback riding, knitting, blues dancing – dropped them all. I have no “natural talent” for anything kinesthetic, so I’ll start something, get through the initial learning phase, and then just hit a wall. I feel like I stop improving, and the longer it goes on, the more it’s like “it’s ridiculous that I suck this much at something I’ve been doing so long.” And I quit. And I hate that about myself.
I started doing Krav Maga a little over a year ago and I feel like I’ve hit that wall. I feel like the instructors spend half the class having to correct me, and like everyone’s thinking “why is she still so clueless after doing this for so long?” Part of it is that I can only afford to go once a week, while most people go twice or three times. But basically I’m miserable. I snuck out last night after the first hour of class and just cried for half an hour. And everyone’s been saying “you’re paying a lot of money to feel miserable; this doesn’t sound worth it.” But I don’t want to be a quitter – again. I don’t want to give up on something again. But I feel like my only other option is to double down, squeeze my budget so I can go twice a week, and try to push through the embarrassment and misery of sucking at something until I can maybe not suck at it. But the prospect of devoting four hours a week to something that makes me cry…also kind of sucks.
Sorry, this got super long, I’m just frustrated and hormonal and would really appreciate advice <3
Having diverse interests is NOT being a quitter. You are curious by nature, and do more than just read about things – you try them and see if they are a good fit. Sometimes they fit for a little while, sometimes your need to know is satisfied early. Good on you for even trying on the things that don’t come naturally to you – it’s a hell of a lot harder than people that are instinctively inclined in that direction.
I am a quitter as my father was a quitter before me (he started 3 degrees! three! he finished none!). I have no advice and I would totally have quit Krav Maga by now if I was in your position. (I quit everything after 3 months. I’m the worst.) I guess if you can imagine being good at it and that bringing something to your life, stick with it. If not, quit gloriously and enjoy the shiny shiny potential-filled feeling of starting something new.
Haha, your comment made me think of a quote from Black Books – “I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”
I’ve had this kind of pattern for a while, and what I ended up learning is that nobody thought I was a “quitter” but me. When I genuinely wanted to keep learning, what I did was find a way to learn something that didn’t involve being out in public in front of a lot of people I thought were judging me.
If there’s a way you can practice these techniques at home (I admit to not knowing much about krav maga), I encourage you to do so. Otherwise, it sounds a lot like you’re forcing yourself to do something you hate for the wrong reasons. If you’re having that big a meltdown midway through the class, it sounds like you already know you don’t want to do this, anymore. (It could also be hormone related, in relation to your last sentence, but I don’t think so.)
To summarize: be kind to yourself. It’s good to stay motivated, but “quitter” is a term often used to bully people into pushing themselves past their limits, and that can be unsafe.
It doesn’t sound as though you are a quitter! It sounds as though you like to try lots of different things, and have been challenging yourself to try physical activities even if you aren’t the knackiest at them.
If you’re really keen on continuing – is there any way that you could approach an instructor for one or two one-on-one sessions? It might be less costly than doubling down on classes, and maybe they can offer some technique tailored to your needs that will make it more enjoyable?
I strongly relate! I sometimes wonder if another aspect of the Puritan/Calvinist ‘work ethic’ shit that we’re brainwashed with from an early age is the concept that not Sticking With One Thing for decades on end is a sign of Poor Moral Fibre. Maybe, in this age of hyper-specialisation, us ‘quitters’ should be celebrated as modern day Renaissance Humans with genuine curiosity about the world?
Do you know if there are any other Krav gyms in your area, or maybe MMA gyms that might have a similar tack? My gym has a flat fee for a month, and if other gyms have a similar situation, you might be able to squeeze your budget a little for a much bigger payoff (2-4x/week!).
good luck – I do not think you are a quitter and this sounds like a really tough situation.
Echoing Eris: Be kind to yourself, please. Consider replacing Krav Maga with another pursuit. If you did, who would be harmed? Your instructors would soldier on without you fairly well. Your classmates might miss seeing you once a week, but they would suffer no harm. The only harm in this situation is your suffering as you continue with Krav. Again, be kind to yourself.
I used to feel that way, and then I decided that life is too short to do things you hate. Try things, see if you like them, and if you don’t/get bored of them, it’s OK to jump to something new. If you think of life as vast banquet, and the Krav Maga is something you enjoyed before, but you’re really not in the mood for now, there’s no reason to keep spooning it on your plate and forcing down every bite.
Also, you might end up freeing up yourself to find something you enjoy. I eventually found out after years of attempting (and quitting) various fiber art endeavors (knitting, sewing, felting, etc.) that I not only enjoyed weaving, but I was good at it. I also in the past year got into baking fancy things and have only found myself getting deeper into that rabbit hole rather than wanting to quit.
So keep trying new things, enjoy life, and maybe something will stick, and maybe you’ll just be happy to keep having new adventures in learning. Go you!
Oh god, that is exactly me and I have no solutions for you really. I am also crap at anything physical and get frustrated when the other beginners I start with quickly progress way past me. I was in that exact same situation with cross country skiing classes I was taking, where I was holding the whole rest of the group up because I wasn’t getting it and getting frustrated with myself. Eventually, the instructor took me aside and said that maybe I should stop coming because I wasn’t getting better and she didn’t know how to help me. I went home and bawled and never went to another class and you know what? It was great. I go skiing by myself now and I still suck but at least I enjoy it (as long as I don’t let myself brood over sucking at it).
Maybe it isn’t that you’re inherently terrible but that your strengths aren’t kinetic? Like, I did a bunch of stuff and then found out that really, I only like to sit on my butt writing all the time, so I just do the bare minimum of physical activity for “health” reasons. You don’t have to have a super physical hobby to be happy!
Routine quitter here! I just posted to Tumblr about this actually. I believe I have a blessed/cursed charm in my possession that bestows beginner’s luck on me. I pick up new things very quickly, but when I hit a slower/more difficult learning curve, I bail.
This isn’t true of everything in my life though. I’ve been studying food history and culture for years. I’ve been doing yoga and pilates since college.. I’ve kept friends in my life for much longer. If I pick up and put down a bunch of instruments, hobbies, and sources of income, what’s so bad about that? There are so many more interesting things to do and learn, why beat yourself up over one that’s not doing it for you?
I prefer the terms “professional dabbler” or “dilettante”. 🙂 There’s nothing wrong with engaging with a hobby at an amateur level and staying there. We don’t have to be super dedicated to everything we do.
Have you tried talking to your instructors? Focusing on correcting a single student to the point where they feel publicly embarrassed is an error in their teaching technique. If you take it stoically during class, they might not realize their mistake. If you bring it to their attention, they should adjust their approach so that they can correct you without making you feel discouraged, and if that doesn’t happen– it’s their mistake, not yours.
If it makes you feel any better, I quit Krav after one class. The instructor was wonderful, but the school was 100% stone-faced, muscular bros. And there I was: giggling nervously. But I don’t think of it as a failure, because I learned that I liked the martial arts aspect, but needed to find a more laid-back school that had students at different levels of physical ability. It’s like dating– when it doesn’t work out with someone, you usually learn something about what works or doesn’t work for you in a partner, which you can then use to find a partner who’s a better match. Are there specific aspects of this class that didn’t work for you that might point you toward some activity that would be a better fit?
I am also a perpetual quitter/dabbler/dilettante. I’ve tried to reframe it to myself as just liking variety and learning new things, which has somewhat worked. Also, reminding myself that there’s nothing particularly admirable or morally valuable about forcing myself to do something that makes me unhappy during my limited free time. I certainly don’t expect that of anyone else. And, btw, a year is a really long time to stick with something before deciding to quit it! I certainly don’t see that as giving up early.
In a separate vein, one thing that’s been useful for me is trying to separate things that I inherently don’t enjoy from things that I only dislike because I don’t like being bad at things especially in front of other people. E.g., I liked rock climbing a lot when I was starting out and was ok with not yet being great at it – it was only once I started judging myself for not improving fast enough and felt like other people were also judging me for that, that I started to enjoy it less. But then there was something really freeing about accepting that this particular thing was something that I do, in public, despite not being particularly good at it. It’s still a constant struggle, but I enjoy the activity enough when I get over being self-conscious and self-judgy that it’s worth it. HOWEVER, maybe krav maga is not that enjoyable for you, underneath it all – in which case there’s no point to pushing through the discomfort, because there’s no fun to be found on the other side.
I feel you. I, too, am an adventurer in Many Directions. I do not know how many times I have tried to advance my knitting, but, no. Everything seems like a great idea until I am in the midst and then I lose steam/get distracted/become disenchanted/find something ELSE. But, some things stick enough to shape my world and give me a taste of something new, and I try to let myself enjoy things until they aren’t fun then go play with something new.
Specific to Krav Maga, you don’t have to stick it out to prove anything to anyone. Maybe give yourself a deadline. Settle on doing X more classes to make a decision, so that you feel like you have a choice, and then see how it feels if you don’t feel like you are Bad and Failing if you decide to move on.
(more than) A few thoughts (if you thought YOUR thing was super long………….. siiiiigh. multipart comments due to intensedebate.)
Some hobbies or interests are temporary, and that’s okay. I do not have to plan on coloring things with colored pencils for the rest of my life in order to justify buying a coloring book and some nice colored pencils. I just have to enjoy it for a while. Sure, I shouldn’t drop a few grand on supplies if I’m only going to enjoy a week’s worth of coloring, but spending $50 on something that I think will probably only appeal to me for ~4 months is totally reasonable given my current budget/etc. In college I took a class on whitewater kayaking. I am sort of glad I did it, but at the moment, I have little interest in doing it ever again. (coastal kayaking? sure. whitewater? nope-nope-nope).
Some hobbies come and go. I love knitting, and have loved knitting for a very long time. But if I’ve spent a bunch of time working on a particular project, I usually want to do something different with my free time for a while before I go back to it. If I don’t, I often burn out and stop enjoying it. So I cycle though crafty projects– I have supplies for knitting, origami, sewing, cross stitch, and probably some other stuff I’m forgetting. That doesn’t mean I’ve “quit” knitting. It just means I’ll get back to it when I damn well feel like it.
Some things I enjoy, but don’t fit into my life right now. I have a knee thing (long story) that makes it hard for me to do most intense physical activity, which means I’m not doing a whole bunch of physical activities I’d enjoy (primarily fencing). Even if that wasn’t a thing, it’s still expensive, and the coaches I like aren’t especially close, and maybe I wouldn’t be doing much fencing anyway. I still like it, though, so hopefully things will work out in the end and I’ll go back to it.
If you stopped doing something because you weren’t enjoying it at the time, or it didn’t work well in your life (for whatever reason), that’s not a problem, that’s good self care.
If, instead, you really enjoy something but you get too frustrated to enjoy it, and then quit, but really wish you could get over your frustration? That’s a thing you may be able to work on.
I’m not especially coordinated, and I learned how to fence, and then helped teach a bunch of not-particularly-coordinated people how to fence, so, I’ve got some experience with this. Here are some hints:
*Not every body is well suited for easy success at every activity. Short people may have challenges playing basketball, tall people may have challenges with spelunking. If you LOVE something, and being elite in the activity isn’t important to you, do it anyway, but if you’re picking between a couple things you might enjoy, consider your body type, and your natural strengths and weaknesses, when picking something. I’m really bad at pretty much anything that involves a ball. I’m not GIFTED at other things, but I can usually avoid embarrassing myself, but balls + me = disaster. So… I just avoid them now.
*Enjoying doing it is enough. Lots of people worry they are “too old” to start doing an activity. Nonsense. Depending on your age, commitment, and physical aptitude, you may want to pick one teacher over another, you may have different goals than other people in your class, you might never be an Olympian. But you probably weren’t going to be an Olympian anyway. So if you have concerns, or you’re not sure if a class is appropriate for you, or you’re not sure if you should plan on competing, or what have you, talk to your instructor. “Hey, I tend to get shin splints, is this activity going to be a problem?” or “What do you usually look for people to master before you suggest they start competitions?” or “I took the beginner class in college. Should I start in beginners or intermediate here?”. If you don’t trust the instructor to tell you that sort of thing, get a different instructor. (speaking of this….)
*If one teacher, or club, or box, or school or WHATEVER doesn’t work for you, try a different one. Some instructors work better with some students. Some organizations align better with certain types of students. (IE, one club might be really great for athletic high school students, one club might be good for elementary-aged homeschoolers, another might be really great for adults, or great for competitive people of all ages but not great for people who just sort of want to hang out and learn something new. Some places will be good at more than one thing, but the thing you want might be more of a “tuesday” thing, and you might be showing up on “thursday”. or whatever the equivalent is)
*take a break. Even really really coordinated people, people who are super athletic and smart and pick the very perfect sport for them, even those people plateau at some point. Maybe they do it a lot later than you’re doing it, maybe they can break through it faster, but it happens to them too. And that’s part of the reason that serious competitors create calendars with training cycles, with break periods built in. Sometimes, if you stop doing something for a little while, when you come back to it, you get a LOT better. This also helps prevent burnout.
*throw money at the problem. It may be the case that you’re having trouble getting better because of a handful of small problems, and a group class may not be the right way to fix that. You may be able to get a private lesson to help fix whatever it is, and that may be less embarrassing than having your problems repeatedly called out in a group setting. When you’re prevented from doing this by not having the money to throw at the problem, talk to the instructor. Many organizations are understanding, and may be able to work with you— lots of people are willing to trade individual time for fixing gear or cleaning up or volunteering for an event, especially if it means you keep showing up.
*Be gentle with yourself. If other people are putting in two or three times the time into it than you are, they’re going to progress a LOT faster. stop comparing yourself to them, it’s not fair to you. You could see if there are things you can practice at home— spending hours practicing something sport-specific without supervision is often a bad plan when you’re new– you often just make bad habits, but running or skipping rope of lifting weights might be something you can do on the cheap at home that will help you during class. Even then, you’ll still need to be gentle with yourself!!!
*Read up on goal setting. If your goal is to be the best person in the group, then the rest of the group is there 3 times a week, you are setting yourself up for failure. If your goal is to win a particular competition, how that goes will depend a LOT of factors out of your control. “Outcome goals” are easy to choose, but not very good for us. “Process goals”, on the other hand- “I want to stop dropping my hand after xyz” or “I want to show up once a week” or “I want to keep working on cardio until I’m not winded until at least 20 minutes into class” —– these are things that are under your control (nearly or entirely), and it’s pretty obvious what you need to work on on a regular basis to get there. Making and working towards reasonable goals make it SO much easier to motivate yourself to keep going.
(………….. i’m going to stop there! hope that’s helpful!)
Late in replying, but I really, really appreciate everything you’ve said, and thank you so much for taking the time to say it.
I think a huge part of the Issue is that my main motivator in life is guilt/the desire not to feel guilt. The things I’ve quit in the past (your comment reminded me that I also quit fencing!) still weigh on me and fill me with guilt. I stopped horseback riding because I fell off my horse a bunch of times and got spooked. This was 12 years ago and you better believe I’m still beating myself up over it. “A lot of people get horse-shy, I just should have pushed through it!” I berate myself. So, yes, Krav is making me unhappy, but is the unhappiness worse than the permanent crushing guilt I’d feel if I quit? That’s what I can’t figure out.
I’m going to try some of your suggestions – there are some technique issues I can work on outside of class, so I’ll start there. I kind of wish i could try a different studio, because sometimes (depending on the week) my classes are 90% dudebros and that makes the experience suck. Unfortunately, it’s the only Krav-specific gym in the area, and I think MMA gyms are even more likely to be dudebro-centric. But I might inquire about the cost of a few private lessons.
Tonight is the night I usually go to class, and I’m dreading it. But I’m going to keep what you said in mind. Thank you so much <3
If you stopped doing something because you weren’t enjoying it at the time, or it didn’t work well in your life (for whatever reason), that’s not a problem, that’s good self care.
If, instead, you really enjoy something but you get too frustrated to enjoy it, and then quit, but really wish you could get over your frustration? That’s a thing you may be able to work on.
This is some of the best life advice I’ve seen ever, anywhere.
So, I get super bummed when women want to leave martial arts, but that’s a me thing, not a you thing 😛
I guess my first question is- do you have to be good at krav? Like, right now? I mean, ideally you’d want to be getting better (and I bet you are!) but is there a magical timeline of “better” that you have to hit? When I started judo (my martial art true love) in college, I decided that I didn’t have to be good at judo- I just had to go. And if I kept going, the getting good at it would probably happen eventually- and it mostly did! In 5-10 years, but I keep moving the bar for “good” so, well, got to keep going 😛 I’ve mostly seen people improve at a faster rate than I do, but the tortise approach is working pretty darn well at this point. BUT, very important, I have, almost 100%, LOVED every class in those years. It’s a really positive part of my life, and it sounds like Krav maybe isn’t that for you.
If we did judo together, I’d be bummed because a) I’d be the only girl again (I’m selfish like that) but b) you’re probably finally at the point where you’ve built up some of the brain-body connection it takes to start learning things faster- especially if you’re only able to make one class a week (it’s really tough to learn at that frequency! doable, but tough!). A fair bit of my coaching involves empathizing with frustration- judo has a tough learning curve, and sometimes you learn something and it stops working and you don’t know why and it sucks. But the other thing is, some martial arts aren’t the right fit for some people, and that’s fine! A year is about 9-11 months more than most people stick with judo if it’s not the fit for them – I’d say you’ve given it more than a fair shake.
(Also, I firmly believe that natural talent/ coordination is mostly a lie by the time we’re adults- I have “naturally” good balance, but I had standing on one leg contests with my sister constantly as a kid, spent recess entirely on the balance beam, played soccer for 10 years, and then took up judo- naturally ain’t got nothing to do with it. I still can’t play any sport where you hit a ball with a stick, from ping-pong to softball to golf. Not that I practice much :P).
Sorry for the late reply! I really appreciate your thoughtful comment. And it’s really good to hear from someone who had to take the tortoise approach.
I guess I just find it really hard to enjoy Krav when I’m doing so badly at it. Like, I used to love it when I was doing well (I swear I feel like I’ve regressed), or at least when my poor performance could be excused by thinking “oh well, I’m new.” Now I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb (especially when my slowness/ineptitude at a drill draws the attention of other people). So it would be a positive part of my life if I could stop sucking at it :p
So, it sounds like you and Krav aren’t necessarily headed for a breakup, but it might be time for some couples counseling 😛
The thing about sucking in martial arts (and probably generally, but I am probably worse at judo than basically anything else I do in life besides the aforementioned hitting balls with stick sports, so I have the most practice at it with judo) is that it happens to everyone, and it’s usually a cyclical thing caused by one of several factors: 1) you’re coming back from an injury or other form of time off and you can’t do what you used to do, 2) you’re trying a new/ more difficult technique, 3) you’ve raised the standard of “good”, 3a) other people that you measure yourself against are getting better, the jerks, 4) you’ve picked up a bad habit and it’s messing shit up, 5) you’re all up in your own head and it’s screwing you over. It is so common that I had a conversation about sucking at techniques the day after the open thread with one of the guys I do judo with, prompted by him, not me. You’re in good company 😛
I’m guessing you’re going through a mix of 3/3a and 5 right now. I’d also bet that you’re better now than you were when you started, and if you stick with things you’ll be even better a year from now. As much as it feels like the suckiness is the problem, the truth is it will probably sort itself out with time and practice- generally it does about 100% of the time as long as you keep at it. The frustration, on the other hand, is going to strangle your progress soooooo bad, because it just augments #5 until all you’re thinking about is how you’re doing the technique badly rather than thinking about actually doing the technique.
Unless you’re taking some sort of Survivor Krav where they vote you off the island if you underperform, it’s okay if things don’t go so great sometimes! If the coaching you’re getting isn’t helping you get the technique down, ask someone else for advice – particularly if the instructor has a very different body type from you. The sucky truth about once a week practices is that it is really damn hard to learn quickly with that practice frequency. It just kind of is. Once a week is barely maintenance for me- twice a week I actually learn techniques at a perceptible rate, and three times a week things start to really flow (and then I get injured, because bodies). But money availability is another kind of sucky truth, so if you have time but not cash, I would suggest asking your instructor what you can do at home to help you work through some of your current sticking points (don’t worry, you’ll have new ones later :P).
And, for our “sometimes hearing about other people sucking makes us feel better” installment, I will tell you the tale of the horrible summer where I just could not for the life of me clean up my breakfalls. So, falling is basically THE most important thing in judo, because safety, and somewhere around year…6? 7? I picked up the strangest damn habit on my left side. Now, my falls have basically ALWAYS been goofy, because I started in jujitsu and they fall differently than judo and so I came in with crappy habits my very first day of judo. But my instructor decided that that summer was “clean up Beaskes’ falls” summer, which meant everyone did falls until Beakses’ falls stopped being weird. It took probably a month of everyone watching me fall and trying to figure out what the HELL I was doing on my left side until I FINALLY figured out that all I had to do was adjust my ankle orientation, which fixed everything and now my falls are beautiful (although now I will probably pick up some weird hiccup because that’s just how the universe works). But I am happy to report that I lived through the agonizing embarrassment of DEFINITELY having WAY too much experience to suck a thing, sucking at it, and eventually NOT sucking. But I feel you, because the middle part SUCKS.
Do you ever do stuff that’s not in a class? Maybe you aren’t meant to work out when you feel observed. Like, if you just swam laps by yourself or just followed some internet strength training thing or had a trainer….maybe it wouldn’t feel so crappy, because you won’t be measuring yourself by anyone else’s perception? I’ve learned there’s no point going to the gym with a friend because I can’t just enjoy it if I feel like I’m with someone I know possibly looking dumb. I don’t mind a class of strangers, but I can’t go to yoga with a pal, it destroys it for me. Maybe you can’t do learning with strangers and that’s just a thing about you.
What if you had something like a week calendar and each week you just had to do a minimum of a few things that you know you like doing, like 2 hours something creative, 2 hours something physical, 2 hours helping people, etc, and you gave up on the idea of “improvement” altogether to focus on a balance of things you like doing and a set time to do it?
I suggest this because I think it would be interesting and rewarding to explore where the improvement thing is coming from- it sounds like there’s a part of you that feels like leisure activities aren’t worth doing if you don’t triumph over them type A style, which really does take the hobby part out of the hobby. If you picked up some attitude that says there’s no point in doing something unless you are going to be stellar at it, that would probably make learning not at all fun. Maybe you need hobbies that aggressively resist the idea of improvement. Don’t do anything where there are belts or clubs or recitals or trophies to measure progress. Become a champion walker for instance. there’s literally no way to become a BETTER walker, its just walking around, and you don’t need anything fancy to do it.
Last thing to think about is pretty much no one else cares how you are doing because they’re thinking about what other people think of them instead. Most people are probably thinking to themselves, oh shit did I do that pose right? Do I look stupid in this shirt? if anything a lot of people are probably feeling a bit of imposter syndrome themselves and are just glad no one is correcting their form when you are getting corrected. Food for thought. if you were willing to be the cheerful screw up in the class you could think of yourself as the lightning rod doing a favor for everyone else, by always being the worst. That’s me in a ballet or other dance class- I am terrible with my left and right, it doesn’t matter how many I take, I’m never going to be anything but the worst in that class, so if I get dragooned into a dance lesson, I try and accept my role is to make everyone else look good and that I’m really a kind and selfless person for doing that.
Did anyone else read this article in the new Yorker in the July6/13 issue? http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/07/06/reve…
And get really really devastated by it? Don’t know what responses I want other than knowing it was seen by other people…
Yes, my God, yes, and I feel the same way about wanting it to be seen and feeling that there HAS to be a conversation about it. When I finished reading that piece, I closed the magazine and turned around and set a Google alert for Rodricus Crawford’s name because that sentence HAS to be overturned. Somehow.
ugh, yes! I read it right before bed and just could not stop crying. I feel more motivated than ever to volunteer with anti-prison organizations or legal reform/social justice places.
Oh my god, that was awful.
I read it and I wanted to flay that prosecutor and roll him in used cat litter and set him on fire.
Still do.
I read it and had soooo many feelings about it. I think this article should be mandatory reading for anyone that thinks that the justice system is fair or anyone that does not understand the importance of public defender funding, or anyone in favor of the death penalty or anyone whodones not understand why black communities don’t have faith in the justice system or everyone.
I hope this article brings the attention needed to Rodricus’s case and there is action for him and his family and that the prosecutor is held accountable for the damage he has done to the justice system and community at large.
Ughhhhh I am so hoping that this Very Last Email will finally end the lengthy friend breakup of doom with Those People from That Wedding and I’m so tired of it all, and especially tired of fighting to have my reality taken seriously instead of the fake me that the lies and manipulations of the narcissistic person at the center of this has created.
Nobody should ever feel like they aren’t real.
Strength to you. That is a hard situation. You are real, and your reality matters more than their fake reality.
Oh, man, this Wedding Will Never End. 🙁 Sending the best vibes from over here. <3 <3
Hopefully not sewer vibes…..
That sounds exhausting.
well. I’m sort of taking the day off (long long weekend here as we’re rural enough that the kids have today off too, because they go to the county fair), but I have a fever.
I did NOT get the Park service job. I have given up and started going beserk applying all over the country. Since I will have to go to court to move so much as 2 counties over, I may as well apply anywhere. I applied to a job (non-academic) at Purdue and one in Cincinnati (closer, by my best friend). Meanwhile my landlady is keeping my rent back at the lower amount until I get full-time work. I’m split in two, I want to get the hell out of here, I NEED full time work, my landlady is great and my kids are happy here, but there’s no WORK, but the school year has begun, I am planning for my team in the spring, I’m back training at karate…and my hair is falling out from stress.
College boy comes home this weekend for a quick break, he got into the prestigious wind symphony at his college and there are a TON of NASA internships IN OUR TOWN that he can apply for so we will do that this weekend.
High school boy is –well, according the the teen girls that have been coming up to me, “so HOT, cute, and so sweet…just awesome…so cool..” Oh my lord. He just turned 15!!! I realized that his girlfriend is a senior and I butted my head in where it didn’t belong and asked her her college plans. SHE HAS NONE–she hasn’t even taken the SAT yet!!! I found out all her other sibs are homeschooled. OooooKAY. Guess I’ll be helping THIS girlfriend get into college, too. I took the mom some banana bread yesterday and suggested that the two kids register for the ACT/SAT together (luckily 15 yr old boy wants to start practicing taking his tests because he’s concientious/perfectionist like that so this is an ok plan), but that registration has to happen NEXT WEEK. Lord. Who lets their kid get to senior year without even mentioning college!!!!??? Give me all the diplomacy you’ve got, so I can help this girl without alienating her parents. FWIW, the mom seemed receptive.
my girl did AWESOME at her first community-theater auditions, she was quiet, but perfectly on pitch. She is really coming out of her shell and it’s hard to get her to get in the car after rehearsal to come home!
ALso–fair week. That means I have to/get to decide whether to let my kids get new animals (bunnies or goats), bunnies would involve breeding in the spring, either would involve adding 4h back into our lives. I have back up people who would take the animals should I be forced to leave–but decision making time for animals is now. again, another split-in-two moment. Especially the 15 year old, misses his goats, but he’s only got two more years here. I want to put down roots, but I cant be burned again. 6 moves in 5 years and STILL not out of the ex-area and STILL not full time has left me extremely wary of commiting to anything. So. There’s that. I could use some permanency in something, universe!
Hiya! I just wanted to post and say that I always look out for your comments on the open thread but don’t reply because I don’t think I’d be able to say anything useful but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing an amazing job – you have had to put up with such a lot and I am in awe of your strength and determination! I know it can be tiring being so strong all the time, so I hope lots of lovely things happen to you soon; you deserve them :).
awww. Thank you!! apparently I upset the teenager, though, because he realized college means they’ll have to break up next year. Oh, the drama of young love.
You didn’t upset the teenager – LIFE upset the teenager. You were just kind enough to give him a heads-up about it.
As someone who just recently went through this whole drama (and to a women’s college, no less) I’d say let them try the long distance if – big if – they get that far. because then things usually fizzle out without a big to do. My senior year bf and I ended things amicably two weeks before graduation and we’re still friends. Things work themselves out.
I’m not often here (so many comments so fast!), but I want to tell you all today about feline redirected aggression.
This is something I just learned about THIS MORNING. Two nights ago, my indoor-only cats caught sight of another cat outside (we just moved to a ground-floor apartment this year), and they promptly turned on each other, fighting horribly (shrieking and snarling and going all-out). This has happened once before, but it didn’t last too long.
Now, they’re still hissing and growling and fighting if they get too close. I had no idea this was a serious problem, but my friend alerted me to the condition and how it’s something that either immediately gets better, or can get worse on a permanent basis!
And of course I’m going away this weekend. But I just talked to my vet, who advised getting a second automatic feeder and litter box for my bedroom and keeping one in there for an extended time-out. Apparently this is better than boarding one of them, since they can stay in a familiar environment without any other cat smells.
Take note, cat owners, if this ever happens to you!
Yes! It is a thing! After we moved into our house we had issues with our cats getting pussy and angry with each other and we figured it was the result of them seeing other strays and the neighborhood cats that fucking people just let wander. Wound up cats turn on each other. The vet suggested Feliway and calming collars, and it really helped reduce their fighting to normal sisterly bickering. Cats are SO WEIRD
My vet recced Feliway too! I will check it out next week. Ugh, of course tonight is the night I bought a $40 ticket to go on a 2.5-hour Portland brewery tour with some coworkers, when I need to do some unexpected shopping at the pet store and set up a whole new cat arrangement before I leave tomorrow morning.
We used Feliway when we introduced an 8-yo brother-sister pair to our 16 and 14 yo male/female pair. It 110% helped.
Oh yeah totally. We got a new kitten and our other cats aren’t thrilled, and one has taken to going after the other (which he does sometimes anyway, cause he is kind of a jerk). Ironically the new kitten gets on fine with the dogs and is now just hangs out with them all the time instead.
We have a lot of strays in our neighborhood, but they get along pretty well. Suddenly, a new cat came to the area and there was a TON of caterwauling going on around 3 am every day for a week. It upset our cats so much that they all tried to murder each other every friggin time. I’m so glad the outside cats worked out their business and we can have calm inside again!
Thanks! 🙂 I actually just called the pharmacy, and the prescription is to my great surprise only $15 without insurance (as opposed to $5 with), so disaster averted, haha. At this point it’s just the frustration of bureaucracy! The administration at my husband’s university is notoriously inefficient and maliciously incompetent.
Also PLAY MASS EFFECT 4EVA. Shit, maybe I should play some this weekend too! (I gave up on The Witcher 3 last week…) I’m assuming you saw the pics from the amazing fashion show BioWare did at PAX last week? I want each and every one of the N7 outfits, especially the work cardigan and the dress and the activewear and the… http://www.themarysue.com/bioware-fashion-show-pa…
My fiance and I were watching some solar system show on the Science channel the other night and one of the scientists was wearing an N7 shirt! We were so excited.
That’s so good to hear! In my experience, handling frustrating bureaucratic nonsense is a lot easier with your medication on hand.
YES OH MY GOD. Between the new clothes and the restocked Elcor plushie, I am going to clean them OUT once I get paid next weekend. I’m also super frickin excited about the cool weather, mostly because it’s finally chilly enough outside to wear my N7 hoodie. (Jubilantly: “Yay”.)
“Restocked Elcor plushie-”
*Jump cut to BourneApprox’s chair, empty and spinning, and the sound of a wallet being opened.*
Godspeed, my friend. 😀
Hello!! I’m so happy because I became OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED this week. There was much rejoicing, and some eating of cake for dinner. I just had to tell the world!!
Michiganders!! Our Roxane is speaking/reading in Ann Arbor on the 24th! Here’s the catch- it starts at 5:15 and the rumor is there will be limited seating. Knowing how quickly her last reading here filled up I’m plotting a way to leave work early that day and anyone else who wants to go probably should too. Possible toast meetup after if people are interested??
AHHH! I wish I could go, but there is absolutely no chance I could make it to Ann Arbor in time. Enjoy!
I KNOW! I work in Ann Arbor and there’s still no way I can make it if I don’t leave work early!
The… the 24th of September???
How much trouble do you think I’d get in for ditching husband-to-be and all prospective in-laws two days before the wedding? Because I’ve got the 24th off…
Yes, September 24th! I’ve never thrown a wedding but from what I gather they can be a little stressful. You might need to do a little self care that day…
Ugh…I wish I could make that work. Have a fabulous time!
Heeeyyy friends anyone want to talk about underpants? Specifically, what brands do you like, that are good quality and won’t fall apart after three washings. I was a big fan of Gap Body knickers for years because they were comfy, fit well, reasonably cute, and often on sale for 5/$25 (and there’s a Gap Body in my work building, convenient!). I have pairs from years ago that are in fairly good shape still but most of the pairs I’ve bought this year are already starting to fall apart and it makes me mad. Where else should I be buying my (cute, comfy, mostly-cotton) unders?
Depending on what size you wear, I’ve fallen in love with Torrid’s cotton cheeky underdrawers. (They start at size 12.) Their boyshorts are nice, too, but they tend to be a little pricey. They have tons of buy/get sales with them, though.
I’ll check ’em out! I’m definitely at “in-betweenie” territory when it comes to sizing in a lot of stores.
I am somewhat ashamed to say that I really love the teen girl undies at aerie. They have many many cuts and hold up pretty well considering they are frequently on sale for very cheap.
Me too. I buy almost all my undies at Aerie. They hold up well and aren’t so expensive that I feel bad about trashing a pair when they get old or bloody. A zillion cuts, cute prints, good sales, and decent quality. Love it.
I was going to recommend aerie too. The ones with the cloth banded waist and leg holes rather than elastic are SO comfortable.
I just bought these this year and really like them: http://www.freshpair.com/Warners-No-Pinching-Cott…
They are mostly cotton and provide a lot of coverage without being totally granny panty and seem to not be cheaply made.
I also just bought a pair of MeUndies to see what they were all about (the hipster style) and they are REALLY soft, but I can’t comment on how much they last yet.
Those Warner drawers look comfy! And I am super curious about the MeUndies since I keep seeing their dang billboards everywhere. Maybe I will follow your lead and try them out.
Marks and Spencer has the best knickers and they now ship to the US. 🙂
Reeeaaallly? Hmm. I would love to have an excuse to go to England for a visit but “underpants-buying-trip” isn’t quite a good enough reason for international travel.
I ordered some of these: http://www.cottonique.com/collections/womens-bott… and then promptly ordered 3 more packs. They’re really expensive (to me) but oh my god the most comfortable, dreamiest underpants I’ve ever experienced. I machine wash them but don’t dry them and it really seems like they’re well constructed. But like for reals – they don’t ride up and are so goddamn cozy, like having your undercarriage draped in a cloud. For the comfort alone I was willing to sacrifice style but my spouse swears that they are also cute, so do with that what you will.
My undercarriage deserves clouds!
It DOES! I was worried I oversold it but then remembered the level of disappointment I feel when I run out of these and have to resort to non-cloud underpants.
Very tempting but I think the shipping to the UK might be a bit extravagant for underpants. 🙁
Next visit to my mom’s house…
If you get on Victoria Secret’s mailing list, they will send you a coupon for a free pair of underwear every, oh, two months or so. It’s pretty great! I am a fan of the stretchy lace they put on the tops because it doesn’t cut into me.
I am HERE for underpants (and not p-nties!).
I used to buy little boy boxer briefs at Target when I was in college and they were SO COMFY, but in recent years my ass has expanded beyond the size of a little boy’s, so I thought that glorious time was over. But I just found that Hanes now makes boxer briefs cut for women! They are just as comfortable but made in my size and don’t have the useless hole in the front. I bought some and I am in heaven.
http://www.target.com/p/hanes-premium-women-s-mid…
I just got a couple of new pairs of boxer briefs (American Eagle Men’s small, which is my go-to brand) and I’ve been feeling extra great the last couple of days because of it. They’re brightly colored and fun and super comfortable! If anyone else is into the boxer brief life, I would recommend them as a brand that fits reasonably well on cis female bodies (although I have no ass to speak of, so that helps), doesn’t have too much unnecessary pouch space, and holds up well. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned all this on the open thread before, but when I love them so much that I kind of constantly evangelize.
I am also a fan of boxer briefs in general and American Eagle specifically! I like their longer length “performance trunks” (the “classic length” ones tend to ride up on my leg).
Yes! I also prefer the longer ones, although I do have some short ones for wearing in the hot weather/under shorts. I buy a pair or two at a time whenever I’m near an American Eagle or ordering online (I get w lot of work clothes from there), and soon I will have enough to do away with my traditional women’s underwear entirely.
I have a few pairs of these and also a prodigious behind, and can assert that they still fit quite nicely, even when packing. Actually, they’re my go-to packing underpants since the pouch is small and holds things securely. I find that the legs ride up a little bit on my chubby thighs though
They are QUITE expensive, and the only reason I own them is because I used to work for an outfitter that has a mad employee discount, but I love Patagonia “Active Mesh” boyshorts. They are wicking, don’t have stupid seams, don’t roll down on my belly or up into my crotch and you can wash them in a sink! They dry in like 3 minutes! They somehow magically do not get period stains, even on the light colours! But they are also like $35 each 🙁
My cheapo underpants are the cotton bikini-style from LaSenza, when they have 7/$25 sales. I don’t hate them but I don’t LOVE them as much as my patagonias, plus cotton is not sink-washable.
Sounds like they might be worth the price…
They are probably worth it if you’re a person who hikes or bikes or does active things every day. I take them on bike tours and I wear them during my courier shifts, otherwise I use my other underpants so they dont get worn out
I have gotten really hooked on Uniqlo undies (particularly the cotton hipsters). They sell them online now if there isn’t a store in your area. They are about Gap level prices and so far appear to wear really well (Have had my first two pairs for about two years but almost every thing I’ve ever bought at Uniqlo wears like iron.)
Honestly, I still pretty much buy the Hanes multipacks- they’re the right shape for my butt, and they last pretty much forever (or at least as close to forever as you’d realistically want underwear to last). The last batch I bought was these, which are very thick and sturdy and have held up wonderfully (terrible for panty lines, but I have other undies for that…)
Toasts, I am a terrible person. On Tuesday a coworker had a cat she needed adopted and she offered him to me. On Wednesday the cat moved in. Today it is clear to me that I cannot do this, I am stressed out and miserable and it turns out I just do not want anyone else sharing my space, not even a cat, and I have got to find him a new home. I got to work an hour ago and I have been crying ever since. I hate myself. This is why I should not make impulse decisions.
You are NOT a terrible person, that is the sort of thing that could happen to ANYONE. Your mental health and happiness is important, and both you and the cat will be better off with a situation where everyone is happy.
Yo, you tried to do something nice for your coworker and the cat. It’s not working out. That’s okay! Take a second to breath and then start making a plan. The faster you can get the cat into a better home the better it will be for both you and the cat!
You poor thing.
You had a good impulse. It was kind of you to want to be able to do this. It’s responsible to recognize you can’t and to find a home that is right for the furbomb. You’ll be okay. Kitty will be okay.
first of all, don’t feel bad. this happens a lot, there are solutions!
was your co-worker truly fostering through an organization that places cats in homes? if so, fosters usually take back placed cats in that situation. if not, do a search on some of the placement organizations in your city. you may be able to find an org with a person with space, who can take on the cat and place it anew. if that fails, before you go to a shelter, if you would consider fostering to adopt the cat to another person, sign on with one of these great orgs as a foster and set up a listing for your cat, and see if you can get him placed. if nothing works out, you can look into no-kill [or more accurately low-kill] shelters and humane societies and let them take him over.
Oh no that sucks! I had to rehome two pets in my life. There’s a website called RescueMe (http://www.rescueme.org) that may help you, if there aren’t any local groups! That is where I rehomed the snake my former roommate left me with– we found a great local person who loved herps and had a great new home for her.
Sorry, that sucks. You tried, that’s what matters, and the cat will be happier in the home you’ll find for it.
Oh my god, Toasties, my work has been so amazing lately. On top of my new schedule and my returned coworker from last year, everybody in the office likes each other now. When confusion happens about something, it now becomes an opportunity for us to develop new procedures to keep this kind of confusion from happening in future. We’ve already made a tiny tweak to our filing procedures that makes it way, way easier to find customer information, and we look much more organized and professional in front of the public! I love this thing where we all talk to each other and keep adequate records in easy-to-find places.
And I’ve been having more and more realizations about my ex!boss’s behavior, mostly through reading the Toast and CA, so let’s all keep talking about things, because it leads to random insights!
UPDATE: Now trying to explain Warped Tour to my boss…
Toasties! I am looking for DATING ADVICE. Specifically dating through OKC, but I’ll take more general advice.
Mainly, writing about myself on the Internet in a way that makes me look “fun” and “datable” makes me want to die, even though I traditionally have more like meeting people through the Interwebs first than I do IRL. How do I get over the stumbling block of actually writing about myself? Does anyone else hate the OKC profile questions as much as I do?
Also are there Toast-recommended dating sites that are NOT OKC?
This might be weird, but I had a couple of friends write my initial profile then tweaked it myself. It was helpful for me to see what people who like hanging out with me like about me, since I feel like I don’t really know how I come across to other people.
Show, don’t tell. If you want to express that you’re funny, don’t say you’re funny – make your profile funny! Worry less about what you say and instead write in your own narrative voice and trust that your personality comes through.
Yes! Use your own narrative voice! And remember this is an online dating profile, not a 5 paragraph essay for 2nd period english. I had my most authentic profile when I typed my profile like I was writing an email to a friend. It was full of parentheticals and slang and incomplete sentences but it gave a much better indication of my personality than something I over-edited.
Biggest advice: Don’t answer all the OKC profile template questions. If you leave one blank, it won’t show up at all (rather than showing up as a blank space). That way you don’t have to waste time figuring out “What’s the most private thing you’ll admit here” (NOTHING. I admit nothing!) or what are six things you can’t live without (food, water, oxygen, haha, my humor is so dry).
Next biggest advice: You don’t have to talk about yourself. Talk about things you like–books, movies, hobbies. Talk about characteristics that people you love share: a love of cooking, a healthy appreciate of female authors, a willingness to do karaoke with you. Talking about what you love is pretty much you being your best self. It also gives dudes a chance to identify with characteristics and activities you like, gives them something to talk about with you if you so choose.
If you’re bad at writing about yourself, why not go for super minimalist? Like: “Cats – Persona 4 – Terry Pratchett – Nightwalks”–just list some stuff that really resonates with you in a plain format. Irl, if I saw someone with like a shirt form my favorite obscure video game, I’d strike up a conversation with them, no other input needed. The stuff you like says a lot about you!
(Come to think of it, my boyfriend messaged me because I liked Terry Pratchett, so he figured I was well read and humorous!)
Edit: oops, I guess I’m really just seconding what Sara Davis said 🙂
There was a recent podcast all about this topic which you can listen to, or just read the info:
http://www.wnyc.org/story/how-to-write-better-dat…
Don’t worry so much about being fun and dateable – talk about things you like in other people and what sorts of activities you want to do with a partner, and what sort of fundamental values are non-negotiable for you. As you look through profiles make a note of what is easy to read and makes you interested, and what comes off as tropey, and adjust or edit your profile accordingly. I would also suggest keeping it quite short – usually a paragraph or two – and letting the conversations happen more in person than online.
Hi Toasties! I am currently serving on a GRAND JURY, which is boring as hell and kept me away from the start of the open thread and showing all of you the PURPLE HAIR that I got done yesterday! Photo and such in the next comment so that it doesn’t take over.
Is there a way to get Instagram photos to play well with Toast comments? Oh well. HERE: PURPLE HAIR
It looks crazy bright from the flash in this photo, but we’ve also got it arranged here so that the layer that falls on top is pushed back a bit. It’s a lot more subtle in real life/under normal lighting. My roommate described it as “grownup purple hair” and I agree and I’m very very pleased 🙂
beautiful. 🙂
Good hair!
Oh, the purple looks beautiful! Congratulations!
Your hair is fabulous.
My mom served on a grand jury. You have my deepest sympathies. I hope your jurisdiction is more reasonable about wrapping your session up than hers was.
Good news, my work is now hiring a full-time Title IX Coordinator and has placed heavy emphasis on this person’s responsibility to lead education and outreach for preventing sexual violence and discrimination. If you know anybody, or you are somebody, who would be interested, please apply: https://jobs.roosevelt.edu/postings/2233
My sister would kill at this position but she is not a big city person, so I know Chicago would be a no go for her. ALAS.
I survived my 8 day road trip/move, and am now staying at my parents’ house in No Man’s Land aka the Midwest, and can not wait to get out of here. Mr. Floridagal wants to get No Man’s Land drivers’ licences and register our car here, and I just want to find a job far, far away. And I still have the work drama of previous comment threads to deal with; what I (with the advice of a fellow Toastie) decided to do was to repay the school the amount that they overpaid me by. I don’t think I’m going to ask them to pay me my salary for August; the international move has already been a money drama nightmare and I don’t want to make more drama. I don’t think that I have a reasonable chance of convincing them to pay me for the work I did in August, and frankly I’m just too exhausted and and beat down to want to try. In a way it’s freeing, to have made a decision. But it’s also frustrating, because now this money that I’m going to be paying back to them feels to me like a debt, and I had been proud of myself for having no debt other than my student loans. I worked really hard and did without a lot of things that other grad students/postdocs take for granted in order to not have debt, and in spite of that, wham, more debt that I did not ask for.
Online dating safety Q:
I’m new to World of Tinder and have a third date with a dude tonight. I’m staying w/my parents temporarily and it just occurred to me that any sexytimes, should they occur, would prob happen at his place. If he indeed asks me to come by, and I agree, I was thinking of texting my parents his address and when I’ll be home. Is that overboard? What do you guys do? I had a really scary incident a few years ago so I just wanna be as safe as I can without letting my actions be dictated totally by fear.
I don’t think it’s too terrible to let someone know when you’re going to be out and where. Maybe just tactfully don’t mention it’s for sex? 😛
“Mom I’ll call at 11; prior to that I’ll be gettin’ some booty”
I have not yet had the opportunity to date around (I live at home and am waiting til I move away), but I have the fear problem also and would absolutely let somebody close to me know where I was going to be.
There’s nothing wrong with being safe. Tell your parents or a friend. Give them a reasonable window of time by which they can expect to hear from you again. Respond within that window so that your parents or friend don’t panic.
Sometimes I even let dudes know that I do this each and every time I meet someone new. How they respond to that information interests me. Some of them are like, “Legit,” and others have just never really considered how much physical safety is a concern for some women, and it gets them thinking.
Sound advice, thank you!
Plus, if they’re grumpy about it, then that’s a good sign that they’re an ass.
I’m super late but YES, THIS. Whenever i’m out with a new guy (especially if we met randomly – I once went on a midnight date with a guy I met in the train station) I pull out my phone at some point and say “I’m just letting my best friend know who you are and where I am.” I’ve been lucky so far but I know if any of them reacted negatively I would RUN (or at least not go home with them and say no to a second date).
That’s eminently reasonable. Any time I’ve ever gotten into a car with a relative stranger I have also discreetly texted a pic w/their license plate. I have a friend with whom this is an agreed-upon Thing We Do.
Ugh, guys, I am currently in the most uncomfortable workday of my life. I’m working with Janice and Paul (not their real names.) Janice is romantically interested in Paul, but he rebuffed her last week. Now, she’s giving him the silent treatment and is over-compensating her friendliness toward me as a way to…rub it in his face? idk. I love my job because (up until now) everyone was friendly and worked well together. BUT NOT ANY MORE, I GUESS.
Come, stay out of coworker drama with me!
I’m so excited for this weekend, because Roxane is speaking at the Decatur (GA) Book Festival! Will any other Toast folk be there?
Sad notes; we lost a family friend recently who I’ve known since I was about twelve years old, and my mom has been making a memory book for her son, my best friend. I’ve just spent the entire evening writing my bit, and I thought I’d share it with you all, because she was an awesome lady and definitely the type we Toasties hope to be when we grow up:
Valerie was both my best friend’s mother and my mother’s best friend. She was English, and lived in the US for years and years, though she missed some things about home. I remember her delight when my husband and I brought her a tin of custard on a visit home a few years ago.
I met her pretty soon after I met James, on the Dimensions class trip when we were eleven or twelve years old and we were taking part in a model supreme court case. I think I was one of the lawyers. Valerie chaperoned the trip, and James and I had lunch with her at the McDonald’s we all went to, and I remember to this day the mortification I felt when I managed to, in front of my new friend and his mom and my entire class, drop the filling out of my fish sandwich onto the floor. Valerie didn’t pat an eye and got me another one, being so matter of fact about it I managed to stop being embarrassed.
Valerie and James have felt like family to me for a long, long time. Boxing Day dinner became a tradition for a while, as well as the last minute present shopping of James and I, when he would select a new crystal animal to add to his mom’s collection. I remember a summer evening, out on the deck with drinks and guitars when Valerie sang a version of Maggie May the rest of us didn’t know.
She was kind and tough and welcoming, and I’ll miss her.
This is lovely. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing her memory with us.
Just got back from the dentist. Ugh. I take perfect care of my teeth, so when I get a cavity (my enamel is not great), I always feel so betrayed. But anyway, now I’m back and I’m hungry but I can’t even drink the smoothie I brought for my lunch because my mouth won’t close around the straw and I should have thought of that because I kind of spit/drool when I talk and oh my god this is horrible.
Dentists are the worst and stupid weak teeth do not help (my teeth are the biggest slackers, they do not care what I do for them they just form holes). I hope your mouth recovers soon.
Once my dad got tickets for a hockey game between his favorite team and mine. I ended up having to go to the dentist that day and got way more anesthetic than I expected and the entire side of my face was drooping and I was gross and drooly. I ended up going to the game with a scarf tied around the lower half of my face, which probably looked more absurd than me just drooping around. My dad kept on being like “it’s a hockey game! none of the players have teeth! you’re way less gross than them!”
OH THANKS DAD THAT HELPS A LOT
My dad is the classic dad variety “almost always means well but often presents that in the least helpful way”.
I got cavities filled yesterday and they had to freeze me twice because I still had feeling after the first needle and it took a full 4.5 hours to wear off completely (although I could drink after about 2). Ugh.
Last time I got a cavity filled, I did it with no anesthesia or numbing because I hate this part so much. Unfortunately, this one was deeper than the other one.
Well, I don’t know if this will help, but I find it very interesting. Both my dentist and my eye doctor have told me that humans are not perfectly centered on the ph scale, and that most human bodies will tend to run a little acidic or a little basic rather than neutral. My eye doctor brought it up because most people tend toward the acidic side and thus most eyedrops are calibrated for their comfort, which is why they sting my basic eyes. My dentist brought it up because basic people are more prone to gum disease or plaque, while acidic people are more vulnerable to cavities.
So if you’re not a basic bitch like me, your cavities may well be beyond your control!
Oh, wow that’s really interesting because I know I’m acidic. Like, as acidic as someone can be. It’s something my health practitioners have been working on for over a year. At least it suits my personality?
….How does one find this out? I thought we were all on the slightly acidic side (based on skincare advice on Teh Interwebz, not from any serious research)
In my case it was just two specialists coming independently to the same conclusion after examining my eyes and teeth, so if you wanted to know I suppose you could ask your dentist or opthalmologist.
And the eye doctor did say most people are at least a little bit acidic, so I suppose the skincare advice might still be widely applicable.
Most people’s skin is definitely acidic, because that’s how it stays healthy. I think maybe the acidity/basic-ness of bodily fluids may be what Sara and CleverManka are talking about? Like your saliva, mucous membranes, etc?
Exactly. I do a spit test using this tape, which is much cheaper than the individual strips.
I test mine with this tape.
Not to make you paranoid, but did you ever read stories about crooked dentists? I have seen a few news stories about them and have two personal experiences… basically they tell you you need repairs when you don’t.
For instance, my sister went to one to get a very obvious hole filled in a front tooth, and when they were done, they claimed they thought she meant another cavity that was supposedly way back in her mouth! Even if there was a cavity back there, it’s not what she asked for and she ended up paying twice…
Also, my best friend’s older sister used to go to this dentist that kept getting her fillings and one day she went to another one and they said she had great teeth and basically exposed the other dentist as running up several thousand worth of repairs for no reason. His older sister was newly disabled so they all thought she was having trouble taking care of herself but it was all fake.
Yeah, I have a friend that I’m trying to convince to break up with her dentist because of this. Me, though, I know my enamel’s been bad since childhood. Every dentist I’ve ever had comments on it. Even when I was without insurance for a long time and had to go without a professional cleaning for seven years (ugh!) the dentist I finally got to see was like “Wow, I have never seen someone with such minimal build-up. Too bad about these little spots of pitting.”
ETA: of course, I might have been extra acidic since childhood (regarding Sara Davis’s comment about acidity, above)
Toasties! Last weekend I tried out for the queer treble choir in town AND I GOT IN! 😀 😀 😀
This is the first time I’ll be singing in a choir in five years. I’m so nervous because I don’t know anyone in the choir at all, but I’m also excited because I miss singing before an audience. Everyone seems really nice, so I really just need to get over my shyness and put myself out there.
Share your experiences with community choirs or orchestras, Toasts! The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to hear it all.
Fury Road is coming back to IMAX for one week! Starting next Friday the 11th.
Ohhh, shit, guess I need to make an Epic Quest down to Kent.
We’ll be there on the 11th. Let me know if you want to grab a drink. There are surprisingly decent margaritas right by the theater.
Do we have a thread for Awful Things Said To Us By the Patriarchy? Do I ever have a tale:
I was visiting a friend in her parents’ home after she had given birth. She had stepped out to nurse, and there I was making polite conversation with her father, who has known me slightly for years. He is very conservative, and when he learned years ago that I was going into a STEM field which he had worked in he made a comment about how ‘so many women in that field are there because of affirmative action’ along with a little pat about how it was good that I would be there because I am a hard worker.
So I tell him where I am going to work (a very nice new job at a good company, in a tech field). He IMMEDIATELY launches into this ‘horror story’ of the political correctness at the job he had worked at before (a different large tech company). (Quotes are his, paraphrases are as close as I can recall.) He talks about how the engineers had to go through diversity training and he was at a diversity meeting with a “Hispanic female” who made a negative comment about “rich white men”. He said he “came down on her like a ton of bricks about that comment. She was breathless by the end,” after he told her how HE was a lower-income kid who worked his way to the top without any help from being female or a minority. He thinks for a moment and tacks on “Sweetheart”–whether he actually said that to her, or it was just indicative of the general tone, I am unsure. I have been sitting there nodding and smiling til this point (Do I try to argue? Do I make a scene? Am I being a coward for not saying anything) but I said the woman must not have liked that, if the ‘sweetheart’ was part of the ‘ton of bricks’.
Then he goes on to talk about a “Black chick” who wanted him to read a bunch of articles about diversity (the nerve!) and she made some comment about a stereotype of white people, and he told her “Is that a stereotype about white people, that you believe? Well what about the fact that 40% of black men are in jail?” He mimes how she put her hands up in front of her face and picked up each of the articles that she had put down, and left.
Then he goes on to say that he had interviewed at the same company where I will be working, “but apparently they didn’t have room for a senior engineer”, but it seemed like a great place and he hoped I wouldn’t have to put up with too much diversity stuff! It was all very upsetting. I do not think he was trying to imply that I got my job for affirmative action reasons, as he said that he thought I would do well there, but it was all just SO offensive.
I think it’s less they didn’t have room for a senior engineer and more they didn’t have room for an overly-entitled, blowhard, bigoted douche canoe.
Yes, I was quietly thinking that as he said it….I get the feeling that the company in question makes a big deal out of people being team players, communicative, no big egos, etc (because that’s what everyone at the company says when I asked about the company culture). Heh heh.
“Wow! You’re … well, you’re something, alright! I’m gonna go check on Nursing Mom now.”
That would be in retrospect. In the moment, I probably would have turned purple and mute. And/or made a face like I-wish-looks-could-kill and walked out in a huff.
I hope you have since had a few hot showers with plenty of soap and several stiff drinks.
Oh, I am sure I turned QUITE purple, hehe. I got the definite feeling, both then and when I told my boyfriend about it, that the guy was just sort of baiting me, waiting for me to get upset or make an objection. Showers & stiff drinks have been had–but I went around for the rest of the day making irate noises whenever I was alone.
I’m cringing mightily in sympathy. I’ve met these kinds of people. By his own admission, he has a history of resisting other people’s attempts to educate him — I wouldn’t feel bad about just noping on out of there.
Oh yeah, I work with engineers. Show him the study where professors of different disciplines were sent letters from students asking to pursue graduate studies with them and white men were 22% more likely to get responses from engineering professors than women or minorities. “Without any help”! As Lindy West said, if you believe that our society is a pure meritocracy, than you believe that white men are the best at everything.
I have nothing new to report from I Work Three Part-Time Jobs While Struggling to Finish my Dissertation land, but I did want to discuss the chain of events that led to myself and a friend yelling “AND THEN THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED” in real life.
First we watched Wolf Hall together. Amazing, loved it.
Then we watched 1998’s Elizabeth together. It was not as shiny and chrome as I remembered from seeing it in college, but we enjoyed it immensely all the same.
Then we watched 2007’s Elizabeth: The Golden Age, and I’m still not sure what I just saw. I remembered a little casual racism and Clive Oven as a pirate performing many dashing poses and smug innuendo at the queen. I did not remember that Eddie Redmayne was in this movie, or that it makes no sense narratively, or that England defeats the Spanish Armada by basically sailing ships full of FIRE at it. Which apparently happened in real life? In any event, the Elizabeth movies are no Wolf Hall but they were unexpectedly entertaining to watch while drinking wine.
I lived in that land for awhile too! Fist bump of solidarity!!
Pregnancy thread?
I’m 34 weeks today. Sleep has gotten not great. (Response from everyone I know: “Better get used to it heh heh heh!” Fuck off.)
In good news, at last ultrasound on Monday baby has finally decided to rotate to a non-breech position. Fingers crossed s/he stays that way!
I am wildly behind on finding childcare and am kind of freaking out about it. Also I’m tired of working already, which is unfortunate, since I’ve got at least another month to go. I’m not taking leave until the baby is practically crowning so as to maximize my paid time WITH baby, as opposed to before baby, so I’ll be sticking it out awhile yet.
How is everyone else feeling?
Like ass. Thanks for asking.
I have been mentally composing a listicle for The Toast all week: Things Which Made Me Want to Throw Up Today (aka, Life with Hyperemesis Gravidarum). The list includes: putting on my bra, the sound of that woman’s voice on the El, the idea of putting on pants, and the smell of fried chicken. This was a good activity for the 20+ times I ran to the bathroom to dry heave/vomit on Thursday.
I hate being pregnant with the passion of a thousand suns. Or, at least, I’d like to be one of those women who gets a light touch of morning sickness such that she doesn’t need to come out to co-workers before she’s even seen the baby’s heartbeat because this is just uncomfortable all around.
But I have a new drug that might be easing up the dry heaving. So I got that going for me.
Yay for non-breech babies, and fingers crossed on securing safe and happy childcare. You really do have time, though it doesn’t feel like it.
Thank you for the good thoughts!
I am SO SORRY you have HG. That is absolutely the fucking worst. I didn’t have “morning” sickness that bad (I threw up every other day, give or take, and was otherwise just generally yucky feeling) but it still was mind-boggling that this could be NORMAL. I told everyone I knew (once I came out about being pregnant) that I didn’t see how anyone who’d ever been pregnant could believe in Intelligent Design. Because this? this whole process of reproducing human life? is TERRIBLY DESIGNED. Just an incredibly dumb system.
I will fervently hope and pray that it gets better for you, as it did for me, after the first trimester. And also that the new drugs help.
I’ve listened to Taylor Swift’s ‘Wildest Dreams’ at least 10 times today. I’m both delighted and ashamed.
Why ashamed? I think it’s a very pretty song.
My biggest issue is with the whole idea of her ‘squad’. She made a music video about amassing girlfriends to battle against the girl that did her wrong and then took it further by doing the same thing at her performances.
The whole thing just reeks of ‘you’re either my friend or her’s, you can’t be both’.
Well, there’s this giant white feminist mess. Agreed, the song is lovely and I’m glad I listened to it about eighty thousand times before this shit happened.
I love getting outraged as much as anyone and I honestly think this is a fucking ridiculous non-controversy.
I don’t know, I think it’s actually pretty reasonable to be upset that she’s chosen to glorify white colonialism in Africa. Tori Amos and her fans thought that scheduling a retreat on a former plantation was NBD, too, if you recall that mess. It is actually a big deal to be like, “Wow, wasn’t it so great to be white and glamorous while subjugating people and btw no need to mention said people I mean we’re just here in AFRICA being white as people in Africa do, yup.”
That was Ani DiFranco with the plantation mess.
Anyhoo. Yes. It IS important because media doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Glorifying white colonialism and imperialism is BAD. They could have kept the love story conceit but cast black South African actors instead.
Ugh, white fauxminism.
I don’t love getting outraged, and I think this is a pretty important thing for all the reasons OliviaPJones posed above. Especially coming right on the heels of the performance she did with Nicki Minaj at the VMAs? It feels an especially nasty attitude.
I haven’t listened to that album since her recent shenanigans over that video and I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to any time soon.
Toasties I’m heading into the weekend with equal feelings of excitement and terror. I’m running a Spartan race tomorrow morning – it’s my first real race ever and I’m pretty nervous. A bunch of my guy friends convinced me and two of my female friends to sign up with their team a few months ago; they are all super hyped while I am very apprehensive about my ability to run 3 miles straight up hills/through mud and complete all the obstacles, even though I know the my team will be helping and encouraging me. I’m in pretty good shape but I haven’t done any real training for the race and my upper body strength is meh. Has anyone here run a Spartan race or have any tips in general for getting over that fear of physical failure and just embracing the fun?
I’ve heard that not everyone runs these things? Like, some people just use them as an obstacle course challenge? A friend of mine does these regularly, though, and she dresses up in funky outfits–like crochet tights and tutus. Maybe doing something like that would make it plain you’re doing this for fun and take off some of the pressure?
Fanfic thread?
This Fury Road fic is hilarious but nsfw – http://archiveofourown.org/works/4680335
Hello, Toasts!
I am having trouble reconciling 1) my utter disgust with so much of what big money college athletics/the NFL stand for, with 2) my level of excitement about the start of the football season(s) for my Alma Mater and the Green Bay Packers.
Anyone else have similar feels/issues?
Ugh yes. I’m a big hockey (NHL) fan and the entire culture of hockey has proved so many times to be so shitty about mental health and women in particular that it becomes very frustrating to support. I’m a neuroscientist and care deeply about brains, and the utter terribleness of so many of the concussion issues in the NHL deeply upset me. But I still love the penguins. Oh sports.
I’m a Chicago Blackhawks fan so this offseason’s been great and I’m very excited and the logo’s definitely not kind of embarrassing
(I also work in sports news, so I frequently get to edit updates to the Kane case/correct the accidental bias of my male coworkers’ coverage, on top of all the other domestic violence and sexual assault news I get to process with dudes who won’t learn U.S. law’s distinction between sexual assault and rape and have to ask me every time)
Yes, very similar, only for me it is the Steelers, which was bad enough thanks to Roethlisberger and now they have Vick as the backup and they basically pressured Polamalu to retire early and I hate it. But my heart is rejecting the idea of just not watching any NFL football this winter. . . even though that is what my feminist brain wants me to do. UGH.
OH JINX
Haha, Ravens fan here, feeling the same way about NFL and the way the franchise stood with Rice until they couldn’t anymore. And you know, CTEs. And Suggs is still around.
On the flipside, Flacco looks great with his longer hair, Tucker is amazing, and.. yeah. I don’t know, my enthusiasm is waning and as another (male) friend put it, “I’d rather spend my Sundays outside.” I’ve been more enthusiastic about hiking recently.
Oh my god the Steelers are a nightmare. So yes.
Ugh, YES. Basically a genetic Browns fan here. Not only are Browns fans hardcore fans for life + always losing and generally fairly miserable, my late father was a huge Browns fan and I have lovely memories of watching the games with him. (Does he have Browns paraphanelia in his urn? Yes, of course). So I generally feel nothing but contempt for the NFL and much pro sports but cold weather makes me long for football Sundays and the connection with my dad is hard to give up. I feel much conflict over this.
Yes yes yes. Lifelong Browns fan, transplanted to NY but I follow (DON’T root for) the NY teams only to keep up on local sports conversation. I’ve always enjoyed watching football but the continuous onslaught of criminal behavior plus the CTE risks have really put a damper on the season for me. But I’ll still check the schedule and and inform Husband the weeks that we need to eat dinner early on Thursday because I have an 8pm game to catch. And I’ll continue to schedule my Sundays around which two of three games I’m watching among the 1:00, the 4:30 and the 8:30.
The Toast has been immensely helpful in helping me keep delight and sanity in my life during a long job search. It’s also fantastic to feel like I’ve found My People! in Toasties. I’ve been meaning to delurk for awhile anyway, but now I really want to delurk because so many of you are librarians.
I’ve had the possibility of getting an MLIS stored in the back of my mind since I finished my undergrad, and when my position was eliminated at my previous job I decided to explore it a little more. I’m now in a part-time evening library assistant at a local college and so far so good. Fortunately for me my state university has an ALA-accredited program that offers telecommuting. Its accreditation is up for renewal in 2017, which is close enough while still giving me time to think and decide.
Other than just the thought of “Urrgh, more school” and having to take the GRE my concerns with getting an MLIS are:
1.)I still have student debt from my undergrad and I’m going to be stuck with that for several years. Do I really want to add more debt to that for the very real possibility of making $14-$15/hour part time? Also, I get the impression that there are more positions available in the Midwest since there are fewer ALA-accredited schools out there, is that true?
2.)From talking with my supervisor and my research, I get the impression that an MLIS is basically a rubber-stamp certifying that you know how to do what you’re already doing as a paraprofessional. That’s not the worst thing in the world, it’s just something that would definitely inform my outlook going in.
3.)I’ve been told I should go for the Media Specialist certification to work in schools if I do end up going to grad school. Would that be worthwhile?
Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated. Thanks, Toasties!
As far as number 2 goes, it’s pretty true. The better the school you go to and the more internships/extra stuff you do, the better it’ll be though. But yeah, no one really has respect for the degree itself, but you still need it for jobs. As far as #1 goes… I would not get a library degree if you have to take on additional loans. I did and I really, really regret it. Try to get funding somewhere. And I’d suggest only taking out more loans if you are 100% sure that librarian is the only career you really love. Do you know what area of librarianship you want to do? You mention school librarian, and there’s also academic libraries, special collections, archives, museums, public libraries, and of course different paths within those–reference, cataloger, collection development, etc. Some of those jobs may pay well, others not so much.
I have zero advice, but welcome to the Toast commentariat!
I am currently entering my second year of grad school for my MLIS! I grappled with similar issues, but I am really pleased that I chose to go back, despite the fact that I’m going to have more debt. I agree with another poster that you should really make sure it’s a career for you, and look into specialties, but going for the MLIS can open doors both in getting higher paid positions in the field (which you basically need the degree for) and networking. I’d also recommend looking into various programs throughout the U.S. and seeing what kind of financial aid and programs they offer. Most schools offer grants and fellowships, and will work with you to afford school if they really want you there.
Also, I am at a school that did not require the GRE, so I’d recommend looking into that as well!
Good luck! As I said, I have really enjoyed my program, learned a ton, and met some really awesome and nerdy people in the process, so I would definitely say to investigate further. I was at a point where my career felt very stalled when I decided to go back, and now it feels like so many more doors are opening up, which is wonderful!
Here’s what you should do.
Look into classes for specific skills that will help the library you’re at — graphic design, interface design, social media, project management, languages, metadata, information-literacy and research skills. Tell them what you can feasibly learn that will benefit them. Ask them if they can do their best to offer you employment if you work towards filling those vacancies.
In a few years, if you really think there’s a specific position that is perfect for you that requires the MLIS, ask your employers to support you while you earn it.
Experience is 90% of the job. Having an institution that already likes you and is willing to keep you is 9%. The MLIS will bump you into a better pay grade *once* you have those other two things. It won’t make up for them.
If you get the MLIS first, be prepared to:
– move for the job, likely once every few years
– hate everything about the profession, especially your superiors
– regret your life choices
– debt debt debt.
I’m keeping it 100% here for you. You can help libraries more by bringing in skills the majority of MLISes don’t have, like programming or finance or management experience, and help yourself by being invaluable.
(I don’t know what your undergrad is in, but if it’s a humanities, just don’t.)
I don’t know, I don’t do stuff that’s very related to paraprofessional work. I think the truth of that varies a lot depending on whether you’re going into public, academic, or school.
I only really know about academic libraries, where at the moment the way to get a public services job is to be into engineering, science, and/or data management. Seriously, engineering, it is the best.
I will say much of the mlis program is meant to socialize you into the profession, so if you do it, and you can, take advantage of everything. Every student conference rate, every mixer, etc. The people you meet and work for and with will help get you jobs; recommendations are a big deal for many positions.
I went to see my GP today to get a birth control refill and he told me that “at my age I should really start thinking about having a baby.” And when I said no he asked what my mother thinks about that?! One, I’m 27 and two, I do not want kids. Ugh, I think I have to find another GP because today was terrible and I was forced to get 3 paps this year because they kept screwing them up.
That is SO inappropriate for him to have said!
Is your GP part of a group practice? If so, ask for an appointment with the owner. Or write a letter. His behavior needs to be made public and he should feel some peer pressure and public shaming. What a jerk! Wishing you a much better human being in your next GP.
He is part of a group practice, I’ll try contacting the owner. The pap debacle was with another doctor in the practice since my GP doesn’t do them. I had no idea what to say in the moment, I just got out of there as fast as possible.
Ugh, I’d find another GP pronto.
100% unacceptable. Report his mangy ass to the owner of the practice, and get you a new doctor, STAT. Ask around your friends group for recommendations.
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK LET ME AT ‘IM!
on the subject of horrible gps, I once had one tell me (after going in to have my strep throat examined) that I should not engage in oral sex because it’s “very, very dirty” and implied that that was how I contracted strep. I still want to break something.
I once had a horrible doctor tell me she wouldn’t recommend me for the IUD I wanted and had researched extensively because i was “nulliparous” and she said it like this “null-EE-PAR-OUUUS” like I was hard of hearing and the dumbest ever and then she READ me the definition because she thought I was so dumb. By the way I knew what it meant.
Joke’s on her, turned out I was pregnant while she was telling me all about how I couldn’t have an IUD if I had never been pregnant and she didn’t diagnose it despite all her blood samples. Joke’s triple on her because I still don’t have kids, I have an IUD now and also all the teens are getting IUDs these days and obama made it free so haha, you monster.
if it makes you feel any better, this was clearly about that gp having a shitty sex life.
Dump that chump! Do you wanna pay for his fancy patriarchy-mobile or do you wanna support a nice woman GP?
Man I would tear his heart out. Also 38 is time to maybe think through if you want bio kids or not. 27! My god, you’re still an adorable baby with tiny little youthful quail eggs. And he knows that because he apparently thinks your mom should write you a note letting you get out of kid having. UGH. not even consistent dude.
Wow, that is vile. Drop him STAT!
Post class update. No repeat of problematic language. No mention of it at all in fact. Just more dumb “truths.” (Did you know Ghandi died of an unsuccessful hunger strike, having achieved nothing meaningful? Or that Stalin broke out of a paralyzingly stroke to rage and swear just before death? Me neither.) And the other, much younger, students ate it all up with a spoon. One of them even parroted back something he said last time about Ghandi’s lack of accomplishments.
No amount of apologizing, excruciatingly pc language or not addressing it will satisfy me. I am powered by spite, elnett, and the lamentation of my enemies. I do not do things by halves. I want to see something happen for what he said. I know they hired him only two weeks or so before the start of classes thanks to an emergency. No excuse. The American taxpayer is paying for a better education than this. The future leaders of tomorrow’s military can not be allowed to think that is in any way acceptable.
Sent email to the dean. May or may not have cc-ed the president.
I’m gonna watch it burn.
Have I ever mentioned you’re a goddamn inspiration? Because you are.
YOU HAVE MY SWORD.
Wow. Where did they find this garbageperson?
The bottom of the barrel?
You are my new hero.
Happiness Project/Food thread
What’s on the menu, toasties? My “happiness project” focus for September is food, with goals that I monitor sugar ; prep the night before ; stay on top of grocery shopping and try new recipes.
I did manage to get off the couch and grocery shop, leaving all the tasty sugar at the store. (fruit excepted). And preparing lunch the night before really did help my mornings. No new recipes from a cookbook this week; but I did start diversifying my breakfasts more (poached eggs with beans and garden greens.)
Yay for food diversity! Breakfasts that go beyond cereal or bagels are fantastic. I made me and the Burgomaster pork chops and greens for Sunday breakfast last Sunday and it was so good.
Mmm that sounds very yummy!
Mr. Lass’ favourite breakfast is scrambled eggs with black beams and salsa.
I really need to jump on this. I haven’t been feeding myself regularly or well so my goal is 3 actual meals per day.
The kitchen.com is doing their kitchen cure starting Monday I think so I’m going to double up. I’m hoping cleaning and organizing my kitchen will make me want to cook and cooking will make me want to clean and organize.
I noticed right away that working on making my lunch the night before meant that I was cleaning the kitchen up every night.
It’s also meant things are tidier and more conducive to cooking supper, which wasn’t really on my goals list.
Unexpected side effect!
I have started making grain bowls for lunches, poaching the idea from my sister. It’s some grains, some chopped up tofu, some rehydrated seaweed, some sliced cucumber, and something pickled, with this dressing on top. I made a giant pot of barley (since that is the grain I had), used it to make 5 days worth of grain bowls and froze the rest, then put everything together. The night before or the morning of I pour the dressing on and throw some lettuce leaves on top. It is really really good and I really like having all my lunches prepped on Sunday night.
Also, I tried out this recipe for tomatillo breakfast tacos last weekend and it was really good and I might make it again this weekend.
Mr. Lass is a big fan of eating the same thing all the time and cutting down on decision fatigue.
Your grain bowls sound yummy!
MrDawn and I are super into meal prep, so we are going to chalkboard paint over part of our door and then write out our list of meals for the week, as if it was a menu list at a pub. I am very pleased in advance.
Also we made for breakfast this week a sweet potato hash cooked in coconut oil, mixed with sausage and topped with an egg. Divine.
Mmmm…. Sweet potatoes and sausage. That sounds divine.
And I love the at home pub menu!
Late response, but I didn’t manage to try a new cookbook recipe last week. However, Mr. Thuja and I did manage to clean out and organize the pantry (a job which took place over 3 days), so now there are actually bare shelves and we both have a much better idea of what is in there. I consider this a win and will sit down with a cookbook for this coming week’s grocery planning!
Toasts, I have just been let down by optometry. My plan to start wearing contact lenses regularly has been foiled by a lack of available lenses that would suit my eyes.
All my previous plans to start wearing contact lenses regularly have been foiled by lousy morning time management, so probably the only actual effect this will have on my life is that I won’t waste money on lenses that I’ll never wear, but it’s still disappointing.
Thank you, this helps.
I do technically still have one option, which is gas permeable lenses, but they require actual commitment. Maybe I’ll look into them if I manage to improve my morning routine for a while.
(Also I tried gas perms once and wasn’t able to get a pair that fit, but (a) that was fifteen years ago and both the available lenses and my eyes have probably changed, and (b) I no longer live in a small town so this time I could get a referral to someone who has more experience fitting them.)
OK! I have gas perms very happily for the past 15 years or so and I would be happy to talk at length about how awesome they are and how much I like them! My first two pairs were awesome and I loved them, but my newest pair has ben kind of problematic because I don’t care for the brand as much. Honestly, I love gas perms and would recommend them to anyone. The only caveat is that you can’t sleep in them and have to take them out to wash them every night. But honestly I spend FAR far far less in cost for my lenses than my husband who wears disposables, I am a thousand times more comfortable in them, they almost never give me any issues, and I am constantly hearing from people wtih disposables about how much they irritate their eyes, etc.
I would definitely go to someone who has LOTS of experience fitting them because it makes a HUGE difference. Also, your eye shape changes over time and definitely has an impact. The nice thing about gas perms is that they stop your eyes from getting any WORSE–my vision has not deteriorated since I got them and actually has gotten a bit better. It takes me approximately 15 seconds to put in my lenses in the morning–literally, it’s rinse face, pop in right lens, pop in left lens, dry face, rinse out case, done. So easy. Love them.
Basically everything about gas perms sounds wonderful, except for the part where I am pretty much always rushing out the door at the last minute in the morning.
I think I’m going to make a deal with myself that I will try to make time to apply a little bit of makeup every morning, and if I manage it every day it for a month then I’ll call the optometrist and ask for the referral. Wearing makeup more often is in my vague plans for how I’d like to look anyways.
One nice thing about the eye doctor I saw is that he offered a referral to someone who specializes in gas perms without me asking. He basically said that he learned about them in school but in his actual career he has literally never fitted them, so obviously he would send me to someone who had the experience to do it right.
I spend 0 time getting ready in the morning (literally I get out of bed at 7:15 and leave the house at 7:30, including washing my face, brushing my teeth, feeding cats, etc.) and I spend wayyyy more time brushing my teeth than I do putting in my contacts. It’s tricky to get used to doing it, but once you’ve got the hang of the process it’s SO easy. It takes me far less time than it does people who wear disposables–there’s literally no fiddling with a little scrap of plastic and getting it to lay juuust sooo and what have you. Just stick it in, GO. I love it. So easy.
You have me, like, 90% convinced. Maybe I will shorten the deal with myself to two weeks.
YOU CAN COME OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR A DEMONSTRATION. Really, mine are so easy and great that I brag about them all the time. I honestly do not remember the last time I wore my glasses for more than an hour or so–even on my laziest weekend days I put them in because it’s just so damn easy and fast.
One week that is halfway over already. That’s my final offer.
I’ve been wearing gas perms for, yikes, over a quarter of a century, and have been told I can’t switch to soft/disposables, so it’s that or glasses. The only problem I have ever had is that in the last couple of years my eyes have starting drying out a bit in the winter (and sometimes in the summer) from a combination of staring at the computer all day and my rosacea. But otherwise, they are seriously just as easy as aravisthequeen said – it’s definitely less time than brushing my teeth, and completely mindless.
Yeah, my eyes get a bit dry occasionally in the winter and if I do nothing but stare at my computer all day. But I’ve never had disposables, so I don’t know if this is a problem all contact-wearers have, or if it’s specific to gas perms. Mine are getting just a bit dry right now and I’ve had them in (quick counting) 15 1/2 hours today.
They do sound great!
gas perms are the best! way better for your eyeball! (more oxygen). and it takes me 3 seconds tops to put them in in the mornings, now that I’m used to it. Also, I have much better vision with them than with glasses (true for many people with serious prescriptions).
They do sound fantastic! That’s why I tried them once already. I will probably go get the referral after all, the gas perm lovers in the comments here have convinced me.
It may not be within the realm of affordable for you right now but I want to plant the LASIK seed! I got it done about 4 years ago and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I couldn’t comfortably wear contacts and my glasses were making it uncomfortable to do things like exercise and swim. I used my company’s FSA plan to spread the cost over a year so that made it possible – but I now wake up and pop right into my routine. It’s the closest thing to magic I have ever known.
yeah… I wish, but for those of us with really bad vision you are pretty much guaranteed bad night vision if you do it, plus surgery can go wrong since our eyes are rare in the extremity of myopia, and your eyes may get worse anyway from the 20/20 point that LASIK got you to, so you end up needing glasses/lenses anyway. LASIK is good for some people but definitely not appropriate for everybody, not a magic pill. 🙁
Yeah, just like any medical procedure, it’s definitely not for everyone – but if you are a good candidate, it really is incredible. I was on the border because I have large pupils but aside from some minor halos at night – that my doctor warned me about – my vision is perfect and has been for the last 4 years. (My doctor also has a lifetime guarantee so if my eyes to get worse in the future, they do the corrections at no charge.)
I have a lot of the concerns that hellebore_ brought up. Plus I’m not sure my prescription has been quite steady enough to make me a LASIK candidate, even if I did want to take the risk. It’s definitely something I’ve considered, though.
If this thing turns out to be as great as its inventor claims, maybe I’ll try it someday. Or maybe if regular old LASIK continues to improve and my prescription quits changing. But for now I think contacts are probably a better option for me.
Thank you for the suggestion, though!
It is definitely not for everyone. But it took me a lot of research and some good consultations with some great doctors to make a fully-informed choice.
Guys, the first years in my program have arrived and are being orientated and I shall be attending a welcome happy hour for them in two hours.
This means I’m officially a sixth year. I just…
I CATEGORICALLY REFUSE TO BE A SEVENTH YEAR, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN
I just saw this and had to count how long I’ve been in graduate school… which is how I figured out that I, too, am a sixth year.
Gif solidarity:
Had this moment last week. They are so fresh faced and full of joy. I am so grumpy and full of bile.
I remembering coming into grad school and totally not understanding the distant and vaguely angry older students that would show up now and again at events. By the end of my (lengthy) grad career, I look back and think “oh you sweet summer child.”
Hello toasties! This is one of the first times I’m replying on an open thread, mainly because I just need to vent. I’ve been following the Kim Davis situation in Kentucky very closely (obviously on the side of the court) and am completely gobsmacked by the ignorant comments of some. Of course, bigotry is everywhere, but a situation like this hits close to home and saddens me deeply. A great deal of my extended family is conservative, and I woke up this morning to a slew of Facebook comments (why don’t I just block them??) on my feed about how Ms. Davis is a “hero” and a “martyr” for “standing up for her beliefs.” These posts were mixed in with comments about sinners and how “Obama’s America” is an awful place. I know that I should just ignore these comments and laugh them off as ignorance, but the words and the sheer hatred of these posts have been gnawing at me all day.
As The Toast is a site that often discusses religious issues, I’d also like to point out that as someone who does consider myself Christian, I am even more troubled by the fact that many of these posts use religion to justify their hatred.
Anyways, I cannot rant on Facebook because I do love my family (even if these posts cause very complicated feelings) so I am doing it here. Thoughts? Would appreciate any solidarity, tips for compartmentalizing bigotry, etc.
Part of me wants to counter those with the news about another woman in the same position who went “This is against my beliefs, I cannot in good conscience issue these marriage certificates.” and then resigned. But I’m not really sure how helpful that would be.
EXACTLY. Plus, Scalia and Jeb Bush both told her to DO HER JOB, and when those two are telling you that you’re wrong, you know it’s bad.
However, some of the snark that is coming out of all this is GOLD. For example, this post is legitimately one of the funniest things I have read in awhile. http://www.shewired.com/entertainment/2015/09/03/…
I feel like she’s a martyr to her amazing 80K salary, myself. Can you reframe the conversation around job performance? That is helping me with talking through this with my one somewhat-of-an-asshat relative.
It was just so very satisfying to wake up this morning, check the news, and find out that she’s been jailed. I hope her clerks issue 1000 million licences to everyone and anyone while she’s in jail.
I mean, though, how long can she stay in jail? And afterward, what’s to stop her from resorting to the same shenanigans? And can she be re-elected anyway once her term is up?
I am equally upset to read the comments in her support, especially those from [other] elected public officials — can they really not see that they are the same as those who supported George Wallace years ago? Even more frightening: do they not care because they are still also on his side and now, thanks to that idiot Trump, think it is okay to be openly racist/homophobic/misogynist/what-have-you? How have we gone so far backward?
This actually is what terrifies me about Trump, and the people who support him. Like I cannot wrap my head around the fact that in 2015, there are still people who think it’s okay to say things they do. It disheartens me, when for one second, I think we’re becoming a progressive nation, and then I see how certain individuals (and groups) still think…
In happier news though, I did block some of the most offensive people from my newsfeed, as it will be far better for my mental health! Yay!
<sarcasm>Well of course, because Jesus said we should hate homosexuals. Oh wait, he never mentioned them at all!</sarcasm> He DID say that divorce was wrong and that remarrying after divorce was adultery (my apologies if I’m misremembering), and Kim Davis has been married four times.
Does anyone have a book yhey recommend for grown women becoming older grown women, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY BODY and so on? I’m 46 and feeling like I need a second adolescence book. The book rec ” Taking Charge Of Your Fertility” in this thread sounds excellent, I’ll look it up for sure, but not exactly what I’m looking for.
Even if you are not there yet or looking for it in particular, TCOYF has a chapter on Demystifying Menopause, and more importantly, it has a HUGE bibliography so that may be a good place to start?
Ah, good. I wondered if it would be that comprehensive.
I don’t have a book rec , but wow, good idea.
I started having hot flashes about a year ago (at 44), and was really unprepared to hear my doctor say perimenopausal.
I haven’t read it myself, but I have heard wonderful things about Sandra Tsing Loh’s “Madwoman in the Volvo.”
That’s a great title! Thanks for the recommendation.
This seems bizarrely perfect for the odd little Venn diagram slice that comprises the Toast readership. I sort of can’t believe it hasn’t already been posted here? Anyhoo, it gave me profound joy on an otherwise crappy late Friday afternoon: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/taylor-swift-a…
I am SO VERY GLAD that we are facing a long weekend because I have magically contracted bronchitis from a sinus infection (also contracted through apparent magic) that the doctor and I were trying to wait out. I started amoxicillin on Monday and I am still sick. It is that wonderful kind of sick where mostly you don’t feel a bit sick except for the actual symptoms (coughing up immense amounts of mucus, occasional headache), so you go out in public and everyone edges away from you like you have the plague but you really don’t feel like you can actually take time off (which I *can’t*, I just officially started a MS program and I have classes and have to start my background research over because someone at Cal Poly scooped my intended thesis project and also the undergrads (and the other new grad student) need training). So, I called the doctor today to say “hey I am not sure this is working” and so he prescribed clarithromycin, which on the one hand, yay, is more likely to have an effect on my sinus infection, but on the other hand, I went to pick it up and the pharmacist said “so, um, does your doctor actually know you’re taking this other drug? Because combining them can amp up the side effects”, and yes, officially he does know I’m taking it (it’s a non-stimulant ADHD med), but I suspect that he wrote it down and then forgot all about it because he is an older gentleman who seems to mostly see older patients, and I am only seeing him because he’s my fiancé’s doctor and I needed a GP after the sinus crap came back (I don’t know how my fiancé ended up seeing him, I think he just picked him off a list of in-network providers, but he seems competent and is very straight-forward and I always get seen right away). Soooo I may end up falling all over myself dizzy this weekend, or maybe not. My father, who drove me to the drug store to pick up the pills because after a lunch of cupcakes (because undergrads apparently take an hour to buy food, so I had to sit in the lab because he did not take his keys, and then leave for an off-campus seminar without having time to feed myself, and at the seminar there were cupcakes) I was feeling rather unstable, asked me if I wanted to stay at my parents’ place tonight, and I said no because the cat would be unhappy (fiancé is out of the country at the moment), and anyway it’s not like there are any stairs in the apartment for me to fall down. He was not reassured by this statement.
That’s a lot of things. Are you feeling any better? I am gonna worry about you, fyi
Thank you for worrying about me, that’s very kind.
So far, I am feeling ok. I only just woke up an hour-ish ago, so we will see where the coughing is at when I’m more hydrated. I am following Internet Advice to make sure I take my tablets with food, and pharmacist advice to take them 10-12 hrs apart to reduce stomach upset (doc just said “2 per day”). I was woken in the middle of the night with stomach cramps, but they were not so bad that I could not shift around a bit and get back to sleep. My stomach is a bit upset this morning, but I cannot necessarily attribute that to the antibiotic – it could also be that I spent last night eating Tcho Crumbles with a spoon, or that my anxiety often presents as Gut Complaints, or just that eating this new “Oats and Ancient Grains and Seeds/nuts” oatmeal from Trader Joe’s for breakfast nearly all week has caught up with me, or the packaged probiotic I picked up to try to avoid yeast infections/antibiotic-related gut unpleasantness is actually upsetting my stomach, as I do not actually take those usually. I am drinking a tummy-soothing tea that has helped in the past, and in a couple of hours will take another probiotic pill and eat some live-culture yogurt.
As far as dizziness, we shall see. I was going to cut my Intuniv in half if I was having a problem, but then remembered that they might be an extended-release format and sure enough, they are. So if I have issues with side effects I may only take them every other day (will try to call prescribing doc first). My big fear really is that I *will* have side effects that will prevent me from safely getting to classes, particularly as I skipped my French class last week out of general fatigue/lack of motivation. (The French class is at the Alliance Française and is not part of my MS, but I do pay for it and it has very practical applications – my fiancé is French and many of his relatives and friends speak minimal English, including his mother and his grandfather, neither of whom I have ever been able to have a real conversation with without Fiancé as an interpreter). Luckily Fiancé will be back on Wednesday, though also the cleaner is coming and arrives before he does, which means I will still have to pick up the apartment/wash the dishes before then.
So, plan for the day: eat minimally because stomach, but not too minimally because dizziness. Try to do some laundry and dishes, including changing bed sheets. Email wedding venue since it has been a week since we sent them the signed contract and deposit and we haven’t heard anything from them. Send PI email with data crunched from paper that could potentially be basis for new thesis project (it’s not looking great but could be ok), also warn her that I may be out this week, pending medication issues. Watch a bunch of Scooby Doo: Mystery Inc. b/c as it turns out it is fabulous (mostly).
Plan for weekend – if doing ok, catch myself up to French class, do some Duolingo and possibly conjugation drilling as penance. Do more laundry and cleaning. Find papers to send to partner for consideration for seminar presentation in two weeks. Start working on presentation on summer project for lab meeting in two weeks.(Presentation = I’m gonna give you guys a load of background information on this pathogen b/c I have shitty-ass data and we haven’t yet gotten the materials we need to try to get good sequencing results.) Try to maybe get a workout in.
If not doing ok, call parents, potentially go stay with them. Also, if coherent, call psychiatrist to ask about how to deal with meds. Have already requested Fiancé call my parents if he receives more incomprehensible texts/phone calls from me than usual.
Update, since I’ve been quiet:
I’m doing fine. The drug interaction mostly means that I’m getting tired easily and have a lot of dry mouth. I get a little dizzy if I don’t hydrate significantly, but it passes. Over the weekend I got a good deal of laundry done (at my parents’ house, since my dad offered to pick me up) and finished up some school things. On Saturday I took a couple of naps, then made myself take a walk. I went to the grocery store for yogurt and also a boatload of junk food, which I have pretty much finished but somehow it has made me feel loads better? The only thing I haven’t gotten done yet is dishes (and I’ve been lazy about cleaning up hairballs) and the French. I feel totally comfortable taking the bus to classes today. And the antibiotics seem to be working with minimal other side effects – my mouth tastes a little gross and my stomach is sometimes mildly uncomfortable but I mostly feel ok. I only have to keep taking it until Friday.
Thanks for the update. Glad you’re doing OK. You still have so much on your plate!
It’s not so bad: my grad program is very research-focused and most of my research is actually on hold at the moment: my side project until we get some new supplies to try a new technique, my thesis project until we find a new one (I have to see what my PI thinks of my analysis of that paper), I only have three actual classes, so it’s mostly a lot of reading (and not even that much, right now around 4 papers a week). My fiancé comes home on Wednesday, which will help normalize things (I have inattentive-type ADD and often when he’s not around I have difficulty keeping myself on a schedule/managing my time). I have a couple of presentations coming up next week but one of them is SUPER informal (and on my side project, which I’ve been working on all summer – it’s basically just a summary of what the project is and what I have so far, for the rest of my lab) and the other, if I go by the first one from that class, isn’t going to be incredibly heavily scrutinized. The French I just need to make some time for, since I tend to drop it to lowest priority. I just washed some dishes – I am feeling rather better about my ability to motivate myself to do things this week 🙂
and thanks from me – I've been looking out fot tips on gifs too. Yay!
Try Cotswold!
It's Double Gloucester with chives and spring onions in it and it is my Favorite Cheese Of All Time.
Guys/girls, I just rewatched th eStar Trek: The Next Generation episode The Inner Light, where a probe from a dead alien civilization makes Picard live 40 years in 20 minutes, and I’m gutted. One second he’s surrounded by his children and grandchild and friends and the memory of his late wife, the next he’s in his sterile dark quarters all alone… it’s more devastating than I remember when I watched it as a teen. Hold me.
I love TNG and I skip this episode every time because i always bawl like a baby. I am here for your feels.
Thank you!
Crazy pills really is the only way I can describe it. I was going over the recording I took during the last class and dang were there some doozies about Socrates. I am something of a bullshit artist, but he takes the cake. And these aren't Freshman. I think most are roughly Juniors or so. I wonder how much of it has to do with his coming from a Christian college. I mean, I'm not a philosopher, but I don't know what Socrates has to do with Revelations. Some of his stuff is just straight up Christian pseudoscience (pseudophilosophy?) and I haven't seen it that bad since my high school years in Texas. The difference is that now I refuse to stand for it. These kids are going to go out into the world looking like idiots. And who will that reflect on? The school.
Thank you for the good thoughts!
I am SO SORRY you have HG. That is absolutely the fucking worst. I didn't have "morning" sickness that bad (I threw up every other day, give or take, and was otherwise just generally yucky feeling) but it still was mind-boggling that this could be NORMAL. I told everyone I knew (once I came out about being pregnant) that I didn't see how anyone who'd ever been pregnant could believe in Intelligent Design. Because this? this whole process of reproducing human life? is TERRIBLY DESIGNED. Just an incredibly dumb system.
I will fervently hope and pray that it gets better for you, as it did for me, after the first trimester. And also that the new drugs help.
Thanks for the headsup! I'm starting DBT and basic daily mood tracking for my bipolar (primarily depression), and this sounds really useful.
Aww! If you are looking to try something that is a little out there, but still close enough for comfort, give the West Coast Truffle Fries a shot. I find them really, really similar to sour cream and onion, maybe a bit earthier! but they are definitely Different, and still yummy!!
So I am in a horrible, musty, not very clean beach hotel in south Texas because that is where my crazy, cheap, bad at planning stepmother decided to celebrate my dad’s 70th birthday and I didn’t want to miss it.
So I flew four hours and spent too much money to come sleep on a bad futon in a part of the country I dislike. All of which pales next to my dad’s problems, which are a) symptoms of dementia; b) deafness; c) he just learned he’s losing the rest of his vision, quickly. (Macular degeneration).
I have no idea how to best help him, and my stepmother is the only thing keeping him alive, and their lives are not good. I am in this shitty place and my heart is breaking.
And, i just moved to an exciting new city far away -which he will literally never see.
I’m so sorry, that sounds so difficult.
Hey, I have spent a lot of time dealing with guilt over building a life and career while my parents flounder due to health and relationship problems. Once, I took a hiatus from my graduate program and moved home and tried to help them but it just didn’t work. Eventually the guilt lessened. Now I wish I had spent less time worrying about them and more time focusing on my career. So, hugs if you want them, and don’t underestimate the value of just staying in touch and visiting once in a while. For your dad, knowing that you love him probably helps a lot. It’s really awesome that you took the time to come see him for his birthday at a tough time in his life.
Wow, you have all of my sympathy.
I know it might seem kind of inappropriate to talk about the good things happening in the rest of your life with him, as not-so-great things are happening to him, but if you can find a way to let him know that you’re happy in the other departments of life that could bring him a lot of happiness too. Stay in touch, and keep showing up for him. Being there will mean a lot.
Sending internet hugs!
Bartender, I’m not sure if someone already asked for the cookie recipe and I missed it, but if not, I would love that cookie recipe and would use it only for good.