“You’ve reached Kirk Cameron. Leave me a message. God bless.”
“[singing]
Show me that smile again
(Oh, show me that smile)
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’
We’re nowhere near the end
(We’re nowhere near)
The best is ready to begin
As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin’ right in our hands
Baby, you and me
We gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’
As long as we keep on givin’
We can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine
All the time
We got each other
Sharin’ the laughter and love
Hey, Kirk [heavy sigh] It’s Leo again. Nardo. From television. Haha, remember that song? Sound familiar? Remember how when they played that song, there’d be, like, paintings of everyone in the family, and they’d sort of melt into one another, and it was like this cascade, this…just this continuous wash of family? Just connection, after connection, after connection, and we’d see everyone get a little older, so it was like we were growing up with each other…seeing ourselves in the future, kind of, but always anchored in the past, too. Like nothing could ever set anyone adrift.
Anyhow, I’m on a yacht right now, but I don’t know whose yacht it is. [inaudible] You remember that movie you were in, Kirk? Left Behind? They could have written it about me.
[singing] As long as we’ve got each other, right?
You don’t have to call me back if you don’t want to.
…Bye, Kirk.”
“Hi, this is Jeremy Miller. Sorry you missed me.”
“I miss everything, Jer. I’m used to it.”
“You’ve reached Alan. Leave a message.”
“[heavy sigh] …I fucked it all up, Dad. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m on Jack Nicholson’s sex island, and the models who pilot the helicopter won’t let me leave.
You remember that movie Inception? And how at the end, the top is spinning, and you don’t know if it’s a dream, or if I’m going to wake up?
D–Alan, how do I know if I’m going to wake up?”
“You have reached the voice mailbox of Joanna Kerns. After the beep, please leave a message. When you have finished, you may press the pound sign, or hang up.”
“This is crazy. Would you tell me if this is crazy? I feel like Martin Scorsese keeps putting me in his movies as, like, a joke. Like it’s a dare, or a bet, or a…just like, a joke. You haven’t heard anything about this, have you? You would tell me. Someone would tell me, if it was a joke. Right? It’s not a joke. I don’t think he would keep doing it if it were a joke.”
“You’ve reached Kirk Cameron. Leave me a message. God bless.”
“Remember episode five from season seven, Kirk? ‘The Young And The Homeless’? Where I ran away and you had to decide whether or not to go look for me or finish filming your first lines for that soap opera that was going to be your big break?
If I ran away now, would you find me?”
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jessim03 78p · 499 weeks ago
Munchlette_Belle · 499 weeks ago
#noshame
jessim03 78p · 499 weeks ago
octopoda 106p · 499 weeks ago
larocquen 78p · 499 weeks ago
AmyEntropy 103p · 499 weeks ago
littlehuntingcreek 135p · 499 weeks ago
I hate when this happens
jennjennboben 106p · 499 weeks ago
Girl Named Jack 117p · 499 weeks ago
fare · 499 weeks ago
maccrocodile 144p · 499 weeks ago
Oh, sorry, wrong number. This is Leonardo DiCaprio.
catweazlol 142p · 499 weeks ago
GreenGrasses 121p · 499 weeks ago
maccrocodile 144p · 499 weeks ago
Dancercise · 499 weeks ago
maccrocodile 144p · 499 weeks ago
Change approved!
Lindsay · 499 weeks ago
maccrocodile 144p · 499 weeks ago
Frumiosa 141p · 499 weeks ago
Sean_Sullivan 142p · 499 weeks ago
[the click of a receiver lifted from the cradle]
[rustling]
"D-Dad?"
[silence]
"Alan?"
"Keep guessing, Luke."
"...Robin. Uh. How are things."
Sean_Sullivan 142p · 499 weeks ago
"That's so great for you. That's so nice of him."
"Man, you don't even know, Luke. I guess you wouldn't know, would you? I mean, sure, my dad gave you lots of hugs on...on...that show, I remember sitting just offstage with an activity book and watching him hug you like you were the most important thing in the world...but he was getting paid to do that, wasn't he? Wasn't he."
"Yeah. Look, Rob-"
"And you were getting paid to pretend to be his child. Not even his real child: his adopted child. It's kind of like you were fake twice over! I'm sure he never forgot that for a second, even when he was pretending he loved you. He's a real professional, you know. My dad, Alan Thicke."
"Yeah, can you put him on? Is he, is Alan around?"
"Oh, well, he is. But I couldn't possibly disturb him. We went out to a family-style Italian restaurant this evening, and he ate soooooooo much spaghetti there! And now his tummy hurts, so he's lying down. Unless it's an emergency of some kind...no, I couldn't possibly. It would have to be a real family-style emergency. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Are you still there, Luke?"
"Don't you have an older brother, Robin?"
"...what?"
"An older brother. Right around my age. Brandon or Brennan or something like that, right?"
"...Brennan."
"He was never around much when you were growing up, was he? Because he was doing voice work or something? Oh, that's right: he was the voice of Dennis the Menace. Boy. It must have been hard having such a famous older brother."
"Okay, asshole-"
"Is he still in L.A.? I think I'll give him a call. Invite him on an older boys' night out."
"You cocky streetwise orphan son of a bitch-"
"I'm pretty sure tonight was the night Bradley Cooper was going to skydive into a detention basin filled with cocaine. Last I checked, there were still two spots open in the hired plane."
"...take me with you. Please-"
"Nah; I don't think you can jump on a full stomach. But thanks for asking first! Hope you enjoyed that spaghetti, you appropriating motherfucker."
[click]
yosoylamala 95p · 499 weeks ago
Yarnybarny 117p · 499 weeks ago
halloweenjack64 115p · 499 weeks ago
*sigh* "It's Kirk, Leo.
"I got your messages.
"All of them.
"Look, man, look. I'm going to try to be as nice as I possibly can. I've told you before, and before, and before that, and again and again. And sometimes you pretend to listen, and then sometimes I don't hear back from you, and then I see you at some red carpet thing and you. just. look. right. through. me. And even though I forgive you, it hurts, Leo. But I still forgive you. But, I am getting really, really, just tired of repeating myself.
"So, here we go again.
"Leo, Jesus loves you. Did you hear me? I doubt it, because you didn't hear it the previous, oh, hundred or so times, so once more with feeling, OK? JESUS LOVES YOU, YOU STUPID STARLET-FUCKING MORON. He loves your worthless, friend-forgetting-or-ignoring ass. He shed his blood for you, hanging on the cross, agony coursing through his lean, wiry body, with only a scrap of cloth girding his loins. He loves you no matter how many times you do the filthy deed with all those young boys--I mean girls, of course, ha, I know you, Leo, you're girls only no matter how easy it is to download that Grindr app and see all these hot guys on it--hell, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about, never mind, it's just this thing that I, uh, read about on the internet, I guess the, uh, sodomites are into it, God bless their filthy sinning hearts--but anyway, he loves you no matter what you do in cars or adult bookstores or public restrooms in isolated parks or wherever people like you do it--like that one movie where you were playing a drug addict and there was this bathroom--never mind, I only saw a glimpse of it when I was surfing to the Christian channel. Anyway. Bottom line is, accept Christ into your heart and those sinful impulses will go away. Eventually. It might be a long, hard road, but eventually Christ will fill you up.
"I promise.
"Anyway, I gotta talk I have to give to some bible school, the one about the banana, how there must be a God because it fits your hand so perfectly. Sometimes when I talk about that, I catch some kid pushing his tongue against the inside of his cheek rhythmically while his friends laugh. Dunno what's up with that. Anyway, catch ya later, bro."
alula_auburn 106p · 499 weeks ago
shellygrrl 98p · 499 weeks ago
Dr LadyBusiness 117p · 499 weeks ago
Instantly part of my headcanon.
Lethologica · 498 weeks ago
Who would be Red, though? Joseph Gordon-Levitt?
builtahouse 123p · 498 weeks ago
but dang, A++
alula_auburn 106p · 499 weeks ago
I definitely believe there is a Jack Nicholson sex island with helicopter-flying-licensed models who are secretly planning a glorious uprising of some kind.
Lethologica · 498 weeks ago
bornnotpaid 97p · 499 weeks ago
drashizu 106p · 499 weeks ago
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