i’m as upright as i want to be
i also want to be this much standing up, alone
we’re both happy with this situation
hooray
i’m alone and touching nothing but gold
okay
stay perfectly still if you are also happy to be enrobed with a thousand linens with no way to feel the breeze on any of your skin too
this is comfortable and good for both of us
it’s good
how my dress is so long i can’t walk or move or see my feet
that’s a good thing to me
it’s like a hammock
im so happy this way
the way that i am
hoorayyyy
what fun, to be together and starched and touching like this all together
what a good time that we are all having here together
four is a good age for corsets
I’m so happy, darling
I as well.
And are you happy, Clarence?
Yes, dear. Quite.
Then we’re all happy.
im a parade
happy?
of course i’m happy
i’m just as happy as Mother here
i will outlast all of you
[Images via]
Clarence and his sister look like my middle aged uncles.
Oh no. The last one. Their pale, pale faces are melting. That is horrifying.
They are very old children.
They have always been here, with these oranges and cherries.
Roooonbledorrrreee
I remember being taught in nursing school that swaddling was a recommended pain control method for babies (or “neonates”, which is totally not a weird word at all). It didn’t make sense to me then, and it doesn’t make sense to me now. Babies are a mystery.
If you swaddle them tight enough, they won’t be able to feel anything below the neck? Dunno, sounds legit.
Babies love being swaddled when they sleep until they’re about five months old. I mean I think they do. We didn’t really give ours much of a choice tbh.
Swaddling is the best. Baby burritos are the best. #TEAMSWADDLE
BABY BURRITO IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA
YOU SNUGGLE SO HAPPY
AND AND YOU SNUGGLE WITH ME
SWADDLING ABOVE AND SWADDLING BELOW
THERE’S REALLY NOWHERE YOU CAN GO!
Now I’m worried about Mallory making horrifying versions of Raffi and Fred Penner songs…I mean “The Cat Came Back” is already just a little creepy.
Raffi is long overdue for the Mallory treatment, I think
Some schools of thought, like RIE, say that you shouldn’t swaddle babies because they should be able to move around. From what I’ve heard it seems like some babies love, and some hate it. Little people with their own opinions, I suppose.
Without a doubt. My son, as a newborn was MVP of Team Swaddle. My daughter, however, considers the swaddle a challenge. She will not rest until she has Houdini-ed her way out of the baby burrito.
Mine liked swaddling at night until they gained the ability to control their limbs. There’s that period at the beginning when their arms have little minds of their own, and sometimes, riiiiiight before falling asleep, they’d suddenly jerk and punch themselves in the face.
Right? Goddamn Moro reflex.
Did yours get little cuts around their eyes and noses from thumbnail impact? That was so distressing.
My wee Houdini continually has scratches on her face from her Baby Talons, but she also fights the swaddle like it was her morally sworn duty to resist it.
My son loved to be swaddled but only from the waist down. An opinionated little creature. I think it makes babies feel like they are all wrapped up and secure, like the womb or mom’s arms. Thus it’s good for sleeping and good for pain control because it relieves psychological distress. Or maybe they are just like, “Cool, I’m a human caterpillar.”
My baby only wanted to be swaddled by my arms. Forever. Nothing but arms and boobs, every minute of the day and night.
You just brought back some … happy? … memories for me.
Maybe it’s similar to using a weighted blanket? I can see how pressure on your skin would feel good. Lots of kids and adults use weighted blankets to sleep better, they’re supposed to be really relaxing (I want one)
The sensation of being slightly squished is pretty soothing, tbh. Like a hug that is always the perfect amount of hugging and never stops! I dont have a weighted blanket though, I just cocoon in my giant feather duvet.
Yes yes I always prefer to keep the bedroom cool enough if possible to make myself a blanket cocoon. Heavy blankets are so soothing.
Oh. Huh. I have never heard of such a thing as a weighted blanket, but Google suggests I would like it – or at least I currently need both a regular blanket and a puffy comforter to fall asleep, even if it’s quite warm in the room.
When I was little, the bit in the Nativity story where Mary (no relation) swaddles Jesus was always taught as, “this is a weird and slightly cruel thing that people used to do to babies in the olden days”. Now it is all the rage. It is weird.
My daughter would probalby have quite liked swaddling if she’d been able to tolerate lying down. She’d probably have been alright with the upright swaddles modelled here.
I love that you put “no relation”.
To stay on topic, I don’t remember my parents swaddling me or any of my siblings, but it’s something I’ve heard of for a while.
dying
also, the large family made me immediately think of The Sound of Music. Somebody had a lot of leftover drapery and a flighty imagination…
No my dear
look happy dear
Or
Ill drop one of my sons…
I loved the “well we got 50 yards of this brocade on sale, that’ll do most of them, and the youngest one can have a dress made out of one of my spare sleeves” look to the whole thing. Reminds me of my mom and aunts making a set of dresses for my two cousins and me out of pretty sheets.
And a color-matched puppy.
whatever those creatures in the first one are, they’re not human babies
Ah yes, number 6 is a rare portrait of the elusive Crazy Eddie:
“Hi! I’m Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We’ve got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!”
this is a much gentler version of babies-on-spikes than i’d imagined for that bit, but it seems absurd enough to be Izzard appropriate
I spot the quote!
‘Are you happy, Jeeves?’
‘Hm’
‘Good!’
Also:
‘Madam President, your approval ratings are up by 500%’
“Alone and touching nothing but gold” sounds pretty good though. Maybe it’s like naps– wasted on actual children.
Fucking men will weaponize anything. Even babies apparently.
Turns out the couple from American Gothic have been a thing since third grade.
American Gothic is a woman and her father. Who totally could have been a couple since she was in third grade. Excuse me, I need a shower and some bleach now.
The “Last Temptation of Homer Simpson” lines are “‘I’m so happy, darling’…’Then we’re ALL happy.'” (Best line of that episode: “Colonel Klink! Did you get my letters?!”)
Kid over #10’s left shoulder: “Hey, where did you guys get that stuff? Why didn’t I get something to hold?”
IT’S A HAMMOCK
Anyone what what’s going on in the baby-hanging-from-a-spear painting?
Apparently it’s this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metabus
That is actually a much more sweet and caring explanation than could be reasonably expected for a spear baby, though the aerodynamics of that spear would be questionable at best.
Yeah: I mean, he clearly has access to some pretty amazing adhesive methods, given how magically his crotch-drape is staying up. Why not use those to attach baby Camilla to the spear?
That’d be a great name for a bus company.
OMG, HARPOON BABY! Can you just imagine the inner dialogue here? “About time for my bath, let’s get this show on the road…hey, what the…are these ropes? Are you lowering me into tub or…wait, what….WHOA, WHOA WHOA WHOA!”
Also, poor puppy pulling his foot away from child number whatever…let go, kid!
“Bust of baby in coffee filters” was a pretty avant-garde artwork for its time. It’s got that Duchampy readymade thing going on.
I saw it as a baby grenade!
Have artists ever seen a child? With a child’s face? They’re not just adult heads on smaller bodies!
I have a theory, as a Professional Art Historian, that no. No they didn’t. Real artists didn’t mess around with real babies, because then they would not be the neediest person in the room.
Sick burn, Professional Art Historian
Consider how well children do sitting for photographs. Extrapolate to portraiture. Realize why still lifes are so common.
When I realised the caption wasn’t “I’m in a parade” but rather “im a parade” this uncontrollable shaking impaired my person.
I was going to say that I have never seen so many sarcastic, put upon looking children and then I reached the nightmare that is the last one and I am legitimately afraid that those kids are coming for my soul so the sarcastic ones seem pretty chill in comparison.
“hooray
i’m alone and touching nothing but gold”
#goals
The stork is out sick.
I snorted at the original caption, and I cannot stop giggling at yours. This image just keeps on giving.
I think harpoon baby’s artist just had no idea how to draw this, as I found on google, that’s Metabus with his daughter Camilla who he is throwing across a river on a javelin, and prayed to Dianna if Camilla survived she’d be a servant of Diana. And she turned into a total badass.
I’d link but don’t know how on here, here’s the url: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camilla_%28mytholog…
An African or a European javelin?
Best.
Most of these swaddled babies, on top of not being able to move, would have been stewing in their own piss until somebody changed their wrappings. Which would have happened after, say, eight hours if you were lucky.
Quick!! spot the hapsburgs!
Are they the ones with almost no chins? Do I get a prize??
Jan Gossaert deserves some kind of posthumous award for those three demonchildren.
one of the children in #1, all grown up:
Halloween costume inspo: a pious tampon.
It’s actually a wedding dress by Yves Saint-Laurent. For all the ladies out there who are REALLY sick of the strapless-gown trend!
Hmm, is that crochet? Or knitting? I need to know.
I’m pretty sure it’s crochet.
Definitely crochet.
It was the Sixties, okay?
OK but #4 is basically a fair representation of 10% of the experience of babysitting.
Child “EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE”
Me “Fuck, this is awful. I’m going to give this six more minutes, and then see if I can josh them into enthusiasm about coloring butterflies or making muffins or building a blanket fort. Another goddam blanket fort.”
#7: Peter Lorre trapped in a shell
Could I take a quick vacation in #5? Lovely scenery! Little lambs! No men in sight!
God I would love to see all of these with the Monks:
Painting No. 1
Monk #1 – “What do children who are comfortable and relaxing next to each other look like again?”
Monk #2 – “What do you mean by ‘comfortable and relaxing’ exactly?
Monk #1 – “You know, like next to each other, not looking at each other exactly but sort of, you know together in the same space, like us!”
Monk #2 – “Exactly like bowling pins, with faces.”
Monk #1 – “Oh okay, thanks”
Baby in the loooooong dress does not like sheep.
At first I thought the melty kids in the last one were playing poker. Actually, maybe they are, for human souls or livers or something.
With spear dude, he won’t even wear drapes that fit around him, so I guess a BabyBjorn would be out of the question.
nope, this ribbon isn’t cutting off circulation to my head, I’m just fine, really
Buster??
as an adult I do in fact find #1 very appealing and comfortable-looking
“Oh, awesome! You found our babies!”
“These are just our baby holding ruffs. If you want us to leave this bed you have to get us our going out ruffs.”
“Come play with them.”
The return of the normal cocoon babies!! Perfect.
Counterpoint: perfectly comfortable child, mom’s face speaks volumes.
im a parade
OMFG!
This is an accurate representation of how comfortable everything in childhood FEELS though.
You get stuffed into clothing with itchy tags, before being forced to interact with other children who are equally unenthused to be in proximity to you, and when you get back, you’re turned outside to….stare at the sky, run around in a yard, and kick the dirt under the swing you’re sitting on, not even your Mom can clarify what “outdoors things” mean when you bang on the door and demand to go inside, where the couch & air-conditioning are, because “it hasn’t been long enough,” and you get the vague sense that she doesn’t understand either, but that “being outside” is part of “being a child” and your Mom is just trying to Do Her Duty too.
You inaccurately think of how nice it will be to grow-up and be big enough to Do Whatever You Want.
Being an adult is SO MUCH BETTER.
Oh boy, I run an infant/toddler childcare program, and have been sending my employees emails all week with some articles to read for work, and would really like to just slip this in there…
im a parade
Christ Jesu.
If only one child in a large family gets a dessert, his siblings must pound the snot out of him.
Best.