Heterosexuality In Action
explain it again
I told you
it’s perfectly simple
a man and a woman
one of each
they get together and they push their genitals together
that’s ridiculous
what earthly reason could anyone have for doing that
listen I didn’t invent it I’m just telling you what it is
well it sounds like something you made up
another one of your wild jokes
you’re not going to fool me that easily again, Charles
what on earth would I want with your genitals
or you with mine
you stay on your side of this bench with all your mad talk of hedgerows
not hedgerows
hetero-se–
“Hebrides legality”
nonsense
what had been his name again
they all seemed so indistinguishable once they were black specks wriggling against the vast expanse of the sea
Henry, or something
my God
what if he comes back
Courage, Marlena
soon we we will both be dead
touch each other with your hands
noooo
do it!
it’s normal!
ennnnf
TOUCH HIS HAND WITH YOUR HAND
NEVER
what are you doing
i’m holding your hand
what on earth for
come with me
everything’s going to be heterosexual from now on
UUUUGHHH
listen
i don’t like this any more than you do
no one does
but we all have to have a good attitude about it
…and then what?
well
we’d live together
as man and wife
for the rest of our lives?
that’s the general idea
my god
and you’re telling me people do this?
human people?
people we know?
many of them do
how awful
i look better in the gold brocade than she does and she knows it
she only wears it out of spite
just keep a hold of him until he refills the glass
then you can run
you can either let go or sink down to my level but there’s no option where I get up for you
oh, sweet pea
this is embarrassing for all of us
well
all of you
so now is when I stab him?
NO
when do I stab him them
never
there’s no part
of heterosexuality
where you stab them
but it seems like the perfect moment
his neck is just there and exposed
I know but just because you can stab him doesn’t mean you should
well that doesn’t make any sense
I know
heterosexuality doesn’t seem like much fun
I’m sorry
can’t I stab anyone?
why do you think that stabbing is a part of this?
this is no fun
“Heterosexuality doesn’t seem like much fun”
+1 forever
Honestly, Charles, I like a jape as much as the next but there is such a thing as going too far, you know.
+1 for ‘jape’
2 looks JUST like Harriet Walter when she was playing Harriet Vane, which (considering that series never made it to “Busman’s Honeymoon”) is totes appropes. Also she has a Lord Nelson hat.
PERFECTNESS.
Busman’s Honeymoon! *swoons*
YOU GUYS THE DUDE IN THE PAINTING IS PHILIP BOYES.
I’m so glad that sucker is dead, though I’m sorry about the trouble it occasioned.
I need more thumbs to raise for this post.
Yesssssssss
“my God
what if he comes back”
Same.
Her expression is so perfect
It me!
No seriously, it looks a lot like me.
Also I REALLY don’t want him to come back.
This is me every time I have a conversation with a suitor, pretty much.
Really, no stabbing?
there’s no part
of heterosexuality
where you stab them
O. But isn’t there?
How come men get the fun part. Discrimination.
Replace “South America” with “Heterosexuality” in the Andrews Sisters and Bing Crosby 1946 hit “South America, Take It Away”
Um yes. Yes I will. *googles furiously*
First shake around and settle there
Then you shake around and settle here
Then you shake around and settle there
That’s enough, that’s enough
Take it back, my spine’s outta-whack
There’s a strange click-clack
In the back of my sacroilliac
Take back your Conga, ay!, your Samba, ay!, your Rumba, ay-yi-yi!
Why can’t you send us, ay!, a less strenu-, ay!, -ous number, ay-yi-yi!
I got more bumps now, ay!, than on a, ay!, cucumber, ay-yi-yi!
While all those Latin drums are cloppin’, like a Jumpin’ Jack I’m hoppin’ without stoppin’, olé!
Heterosexuality!, take it away
I feel like i have gained another dimension to my personality via this song. ty.
I worry that you’ll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. THE WORLD OF THE HETEROSEXUAL IS A SICK AND BORING LIFE.
Aaaaaaaah wish I could give you more than one like for this! Takes me back to when I thought I was cool shouting that at people at parties.
Am I not supposed to be shouting at people at parties? Is this why no one invites me anywhere anymore?
My god, I’ve been doing everything wrong.
Aunt Ida’s wisdom is ALWAYS meant to be shouted.
See, if you came to one of MY parties, this would be perfectly acceptable. Indeed, preferable.
/kicks in the door, brandishing cheap prosecco and yelling “hola, mofos!”
I… still shout this at parties? Granted, I only do one of the three, but it is boring.
I was at a party this weekend. The minute I realized I was shouting, I thanked my host and left immediately.
This sums up my current position on the whole matter very nicely.
Me too! This was a perfectly timed post, as I’m feeling very anti-heterosexuality these days.
I was at a heterosexual wedding this morning that was very joyful and lovely and I’m still snorting at this whole post, especially the stabbing and “people we know?”
No really heterosexuality-proximate, but can I just say how much I love Watteau pleats? I wish there were a way to wear them in the 21st century, but alas. Pretty sure that’s one style that’s not coming back?
Hmm. We could put them on swing coats? Which we would then wear over skinny jeans, of course, ugh.
I think you could put them on a tunic, and modern/drama it up a tiny bit with an asymmetric hem in the back. You want those suckers to leave haters in a haze of fabulousness.
https://in.pinterest.com/pin/224054150186569489/ – this person figured it out. On a SWIMSUIT no less. (At least, I think it is a swimsuit.)
???
This showed up when I did a quick search to remind myself of what is Watteau pleats. Pretty sure that’s a bit off the mark.
I’m all-in for a badass Watteau-pleated swing coat though.
I would totally wear this. 110%
Why not put them on the back of a tunic?
95%+ accurate except we (straight dudes) can’t generally do a no look pour
otherwise this is spot on
So much about #3 is how I want my life to be. Incredible green dress, complete with waist corsage. THAT HAT AND FEATHER (?) ACTION. Poofy hair. Lounging by the sea, but not on sand. Alone. A light breeze.
I have seen what I want now I must have it!
Watching men slowly struggle against their impending doom while very far away from me. It’s got it all!
“you can either let go or sink down to my level but there’s no option where I get up for you”
this is my life philosophy
Me too!
Me three!
Yep.
New tattoo possibility…
How is it working? Can you teach me?? I am sincerely tired of getting up.
“It sounds disgusting…”
“But it’s worth it because he can’t play the guitar at the same time…”
Heterosexuality probably did happen because some woman wanted a man to stop playing a fucking instrument at her. I know I’ve certainly done that move.
But then he took it to mean that she slept with him because of his music-making, not to stop it at all costs, and behold, here we are.
This has to be true. It makes entirely too much sense not to be true.
I now believe this with nigh upon religious fervor.
oh god what have we done. . .
But what if we’re all wrong and that person with the guitar is actually a butch lady from Olden Times?
However, I am calling shenanigans on this picture because it clearly shows lesbians happily daydreaming about the fun they’re going to have once this guy shuts up and goes away.
WOW I had almost every single one of these reactions on a date last week.
Heterosexuality doesn’t seem like much fun INDEED.
http://www.zazzle.com/are_you_bored_of_being_hete…
#4 reduced me to helpless tears of laughter.
…which led to further cackling.
And #1 reminds me of
This gif is going to get me through the primary tomorrow, bless you.
I just feel so bad for the poor eagle. No wild creature should have to put up with that treatment.
It doesn’t look like it’s putting up with it. More like putting up a fight.
I think if stabbing people were a part of heterosexuality, I’d be at least 20% more interested in it.
are we done yet
That is the best “will ya get a load of this guy?” face I’ve ever seen.
get your hand off the knob of the sword in my crotch
I dunno if it’s heterosexual exactly if it’s with an angel.
This is an extremely valid point.
“what on earth would I want with your genitals
or you with mine”
This is basically my favorite pick up shut down to utilize.
“Girl, you know I’d love to get in those pants.”
“Oh trust me, you don’t. It is all kinds of yeasty up in here.”
Side note: there is a lucrative side business to be had in getting men to pay you to stop saying yeasty.
“Courage, Marlena
soon we we will both be dead”
That is my latest fake album coming out from my fake band, “Henry, or something.”
I’ve been heterosexing for a while and I feel like if stabbing men wasn’t part of it, surely one of them would’ve bothered surviving long enough to complain.
I have never lol’ed so hard at a comment, well done
Given how committed to complaint they are, I can only reason that you are absolutely correct.
Is there any hope for a “Women in Western Art History by Mallory Ortberg” coffee table book? I’m guessing the copyright process might be fraught, but oh my god how glorious it would be.
I need this also.
Yeah, no, way better than my current western art history coffee-table book.
I need this with a burning and abiding flame.
Nah, all that old art stuff should be public domain, right? or is that just with music?
Just music. Basically the art itself may be public domain but the image of it that you want to publish is probably controlled by its owner. You need to find an image of the art that’s out of copyright (e.g. A 19th c engraving thereof), or a public domain photo, or a digital image that’s been released by its owner or — well there are a lot of ways around it, and I think M usually uses wiki CC images, but i suspect print rights are a lot harder to land than digital ones even if say I went to the Met and snapped a photo with my mobile phone and gifted the file to the Toast.
True, but archives like ArtStor and the museums, like the Met, that are making their archives available online, are making it much easier to find free images or to streamline the rights permissions process. (The trick will be making the resulting publication “scholarship” to get fair use permission.)
A recent gig I worked in digital education suggests that artstor can still charge thousands per image – maybe print is cheaper??? (I thought print would be more expensive.). But I think it’d be pretty clear that this book is a for-profit enterprise. At least, a publisher can dream….
I work in academic publishing, so everyone I’ve been dealing with is using them for scholarship and thus getting things for “fair use,” so I’m not really sure about fees for commercial use. Still, it’s got to be easier to go to a big archive and fill out an online form than it is to chase down obscure museums and wait for their office to get around to reading your letter asking for permissions.
O indeed. Even in this brave new world, I would not be a permissions manager for a million dollars.
Long, long ago when I was in academic publishing, part of my job was in getting permissions for authors’ fucking images that they absolutely *had* to have for their freaking article that they couldn’t be bothered to do themselves. You are indeed right to avoid permissions at all costs, because lo! That was the worst job EVAR.
I feel like such a book would really be a public service.
Alsoooo, can we talk about how much I neeeeed that deep blue with pink and silver accents and CAPE dress in the “oh sweet pea” painting? Please and thank you!
Yes, I too have this thought. Also the beautifully coordinating friends.
Notice how the Man is not coordinated. That’s what’s wrong with heterosexuality.
Sorry, riveted by that SERIES OF SNOWCAPS POSING AS A DOG in the angel one.
Well of course yes, heterosexuality is about a giant eagle tearing your phone book apart. But it can be so much more! With two committed, caring partners, it can be about a great horned owl tearing a James Michener novel in half, or about a little blue penguin making a nest in a box of Wonder Woman comics. It can even be about a pterodactyl pursuing Noah Webster on a moped.
(BARRY WHITE VOICE)
Oh baby
seems like you’ve been spending all your time
wandering
carrying your phone book
and now you don’t know which way to turn
but let me tell you baby
I’m a giant eagle
and I want you to know
that I will tear that phone book apart for you
I died laughing. I am actually dead, typing this to you now. My unlife was inspired solely by appreciation for your wit. And your Barry White rendering.
I would like a little blue penguin that makes a nest in a box of Wonder Woman comics. I might even be willing to participate in heterosexuality from time to time to make that happen.
Same.
YOU ARE TOO MARVELLOUS
Does everyone agree that Charles would be played by Mads Mikkelsen in the re-enactment of #1?
Um, duh. He’d bring an impressive amount of complexity to the role, while not usurping attention from the woman who’s the true focus of the piece.
Second one: It me!
Last one: It me with the persistent ones!
Seventh one: It Finn and Rey!
I had the exact same thought about #7!
oh to be so languid & British that I cared more about the Hebrides & hedgerows than men. Not quite there yet, but working on it. #goals
Start with mens’ opinions and work up! You can do it! We can do it together! YES WE CAN.
I grow ever more pleased at my luck in drawing the homosexual straw.
So number one is NOT what a first date should look like? I may have to reconsider my strategies.
If more first dates were like that I’d date.
Fourth picture from the bottom.
Jean-Marc Nattier – seems he was into photoshopping before photoshopping was a thing.
According to wikipedia: “Nattier’s graceful and charming portraits of court ladies in this mode were very fashionable, partly because he could beautify a sitter while also retaining her likeness.”
That’s actually a skill that many modern photoshoppers don’t even have, if my inability to tell actresses on magazine covers apart is any indication.
#3 is a woman performing calm, meditative misandry, tbh.
In #5, I think the women are the couple, he’s just a skeevy cishet dudebro all like “Anyway, here’s ‘Wonderwall'” trying to convince them to have a threesome, and they’re calmly plotting an escape.
And the “men” wooing the women in #11 and #13 are really two more Dandy Gals Mistaken for Men in Western Art History (which I still think should be a thing).
I’m at the stage in my bisexuality where my attraction to men is mostly a source of exasperation and annoyance, and not something I really want to acknowledge. I believe a full 50% of this sentiment is a result of Mallory’s Western art history posts.
I don’t even know what’s going on with my sexuality any more, but all the men I know I would once have been 100% in to, are now irritating as hell so I am feeling this sentiment so hard.
I’m mostly straight and they inspire the same feelings in me.
#12 that cupid is about to toss that bust down onto both of them. Finally, a baby making himself useful.
A useful putto?
Charles, are you putting me on again?
The 1st one is an metaphor for Finland & Russia… but I guess you know that. I’m just here to be a party pooper.
Would it be the Toast without these comments though?
I’m glad cos I couldn’t remember what it was. 🙂
“but we all have to have a good attitude about it”
Shan’t.
Heterosexuals, glad I never was one
The woman in the pale green dress staring into the distance is my aesthetic.
Also for all that I love sack-back dresses of the late 1700’s, they were so….rude. Like, “Look how wealthy we are, we can afford to have yards and yards of fabric just uselessly hanging off the backs of our dresses.”
These are the best, making my night as usual, Mallory!!!!
Upon reflection : lady, never let a putto tell you when it’s time to stab anyone.
Putti major in hair care and arrangement, gawking, and shooting or whipping people with bows. Not tactics.
I can’t believe I’ve read this 5 times today
“explain it again
I told you
it’s perfectly simple
a man and a woman
one of each
they get together and they push their genitals together
that’s ridiculous
what earthly reason could anyone have for doing that
listen I didn’t invent it I’m just telling you what it is”
This caption is giving me uncomfortable Hills Like White Elephants flashbacks.
OMG I see it.
#1: “It’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, thinking…”
*sigh* “Gaston, you are a positively prime eagle.”
he’s right though
gold brocade would suit dark hair better
he's right though
gold brocade would suit dark hair better
Yesssssssss
I'm glad cos I couldn't remember what it was. 🙂
The “you can either let go or sink down to my level” painting- what’s going on with the guy who the putto’s kicking in the head?
Like, is it a statue, part of the tombstone thing? “Yeah, he was a great soldier, and remember his bad back and how he’d always have to get naked and stand all crooked to try and alleviate it, poor Julius” or alternatively “I think it’s really touching how Marcus loved Julius so much, not sure why he wanted to be carved with his fist in the small of his back though”? The skin tone doesn’t look quite the same colour as the rest of the stone, so my worry is the painter’s just decided to include a random dude hanging out in a graveyard in the nude.
(Someone made a strange artistic choice at some point is all, I suppose.)