North and South -The Toast

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RAK9411MR. HALE: my dear Margaret
I am afraid I have some bad news
I have resigned my post in the Church of England
I can no longer affirm its doctrine and we must leave our beloved home at once
I’m having a ghastly religious crisis that necessitates I uproot our entire family forever

do you mean to say you have taken a new religion?

MR. HALE: not exactly

MARGARET: can you go into any detail about the crisis, to help me better understand?
have you lost your faith?

MR. HALE: it’s something much vaguer than that

MARGARET: but this is awful
it will change our entire lives forever
we will leave everything we have ever known and throw ourselves into economic uncertainty
can you at least give me a general outline of your problems with the Church?

MR. HALE: sorry no

MARGARET: are you an atheist? a Methodist? a Tractarian? a schismatic? a Baptist?

MR. HALE: don’t worry about it
just know that I cannot renew my vows, so we must move North and be unemployed

MARGARET: Can you…specify which doctrine?

and in fact I will never be discussing my new beliefs again

MARGARET: Will you at least be following your conscience and preaching whatever doctrine you think soundest up North?

MR. HALE: I will not.
also I have not told any of this to your mother yet


MR. HALE: so if you could just do that for me
I would very much appreciate it
also if you could do it today because I’ve already sold the house and we’re leaving in two weeks
thank youuu


you smell of new money and PAVED STREETS
you look as if you have sold something to a shop recently
you look as if your father had a JOB
get out of here at once, you disgusting lump of coal

BESSY: halloo thar miss

MARGARET: ah that’s much better
you’re just poor, I’m perfectly comfortable around regular old poor people

BESSY: ai’m also dyin’, miss

MARGARET: better and better
that’s very proper, that you should be poor and dying
not like SOME people
not like some people who go to an OFFICE and then try to talk to LADIES with their OFFICE MOUTHS and their NEWSPAPER HANDS and their FACTORY EYELIDS
we are going to be best friends, Bessy

BESSY: [coughs]

MARGARET: I love you too, Bess

MARGARET: what is that
what are you doing
stop it at once

MR. THORNTON: I’m trying to shake hands with you

MARGARET: what kind of Northern strokery is this

MRS. THORNTON: and how did you find Miss Hale

MR. THORNTON: I do not think she likes me very much, Mother

MRS. THORNTON: then I will set her on fire

MR. THORNTON: please do not set her on fire

MRS. THORNTON: I KNEW you were in love with her

MR. THORNTON: I don’t want you to set anyone on fire
that doesn’t mean I’m in love with everyone

MRS. THORNTON: but she is in love with you

MR. THORNTON: what makes you say that?

MRS. THORNTON: she didn’t let all those strikers murder you
what stronger proof do you need of her sluttery

MR. THORNTON: I don’t think that means she loves m–

MRS. THORNTON: I watch people get murdered in front of me every day
and I never do a damn thing about it

MARGARET: Mr. Thornton, I’d like to buy your factory


MARGARET: listen can I have your factory or not

MR. THORNTON: my factory and my heart as well

MARGARET: as long as I get the factory

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