Every Single Church History Pun I Have Been Unable To Keep From Making, Carefully Collected In One Secure Location -The Toast

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“More like the Protestant jerk ethic,” Pope Leo X muttered darkly to himself.

“Think of it more like…Palvinism.” – Calvin, grimacing from the pulpit, attempting “outreach.”

The Five Points of Palvinism:

Totally fun
Unconditional good times
unLimited atonement
I love it
Pretty fun being saints

“I for one could do with a little LESStorianism.” – Cyril of Alexandria

“Spinners in the Hands of a Gangly Bod,” by Jonathan Edward, gym rat

“Kindly Chalcedon’t.” – also Cyril of Alexandria

“More like pre-blessed-ination.”
– John Murray scoring one on John Calvin.

“The schism is his’m. Theodosius can go Ephesus himself.”

“More like the Cappadocian Bothers.”
-Apollinaris of Laodicea

something something “oriflame war,” I did not completely develop this idea

“More like the Avignon Fakery.”

“Sorry, what was that?”

“More like Pope Bonifake.”


“More like BOOnam sanctum!”

“What’s that?”

this one doesn’t even make sense because you wouldn’t be mad at BOTH Pope Boniface AND Unam Sanctum but I felt like I had a flow going

I feel like the whole “Pope” and “nope” thing is too obvious, but I’m clearly not above talking about it, so. I don’t know. Antipopes? More like…can’t-i-nopes? That doesn’t scan, and it’s a double negative. I’m just trying to CONTAIN them all in one safe location so they can’t spread.

“Thomas More? Frankly, I’d prefer a little Thomas Less.” The joke got a little less funny every time Henry VIII said it, but they had to laugh just as loud every time.

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