“More like the Protestant jerk ethic,” Pope Leo X muttered darkly to himself.
“Think of it more like…Palvinism.” – Calvin, grimacing from the pulpit, attempting “outreach.”
The Five Points of Palvinism:
Totally fun
Unconditional good times
unLimited atonement
I love it
Pretty fun being saints
“I for one could do with a little LESStorianism.” – Cyril of Alexandria
“Spinners in the Hands of a Gangly Bod,” by Jonathan Edward, gym rat
“Kindly Chalcedon’t.” – also Cyril of Alexandria
“More like pre-blessed-ination.”
– John Murray scoring one on John Calvin.
“The schism is his’m. Theodosius can go Ephesus himself.”
“More like the Cappadocian Bothers.”
-Apollinaris of Laodicea
something something “oriflame war,” I did not completely develop this idea
“More like the Avignon Fakery.”
“Sorry, what was that?”
“More like Pope Bonifake.”
“Hm?”
“More like BOOnam sanctum!”
“What’s that?”
this one doesn’t even make sense because you wouldn’t be mad at BOTH Pope Boniface AND Unam Sanctum but I felt like I had a flow going
I feel like the whole “Pope” and “nope” thing is too obvious, but I’m clearly not above talking about it, so. I don’t know. Antipopes? More like…can’t-i-nopes? That doesn’t scan, and it’s a double negative. I’m just trying to CONTAIN them all in one safe location so they can’t spread.
“Thomas More? Frankly, I’d prefer a little Thomas Less.” The joke got a little less funny every time Henry VIII said it, but they had to laugh just as loud every time.
“My grandfather was a wiry and handsome preacher” Burr in Hamilton.
But there are things the trainers won’t teach ya.
(teach ya teach ya teach ya)
Death doesn’t discriminate between the spinners and the slobs.
My mother was a gymnast (gymnast), my father commanded sweet reps (sweet reps, reps)
Contributing to the Hamilton/Dodgeball AU
I may be in love with you.
GET OUT. MAKE YOUR HAMILTON REFERENCES IN ONE OF NICOLE’S THREADS, YOU MONSTERS.
I love you.
The Hamiltrain is coming for you, Mallory.
To be fair, you brought it up.
Marry me. You would be enough.
why dont u go eat some worms about it, dieter
A diet of worms makes you Lutherthin
Thomas Fewer
“Spinners in the Hands of the Gangly Bod”
keeping this on file in case there is a cataclysmic change in my life and hobbies and I become one of those after-Church gym moms, one who happens to be teaching a spin class, and needs to put a name for the gym class on the schedule
Now I just want you to collaborate on a book with Kate Beaton.
i’m pretty sure they’re the same person
Next time I teach Dutch Golden Age art, the 5 points of Palvinism is TOTALLY going into my powerpoint. With the added bonus that TULIPs = vanity of the world = death in most Dutch still life paintings. No one will find it amusing except for me. Any student who laughs will be indoctrinated into the ways of the Toast.
“Antipope? More like anti-dope, amirite?”
–Pope…uh….Callixtus, I guess?
No way in heaven or hell are you actually sorry.
Between this and the alien disgusted by human bodies erotica, you are making all my worlds collide, and it is delicious.
Thomas Less for sure.
-Hilary Mantel fans
(deep breath)
“more like the 95 feces” – leo x
“oh yeah? well more like exsurge dumb-ine” – martin luther
“more like dicknitatis humanae” – sspx
“why don’t you laudato sit down” – climate change deniers
why was st. thomas aquinas depressed
because of his summa time sadness
and the two pope jokes i tell at every party i go to:
where do some popes get their vestments?
urban outfitters
what did pope innocent v say when someone mistook him for pope innocent iv?
“i’m not that innocent”
now I really want someone to make a new version of the “Oops I Did It Again” music video, only replacing Britney Spears with Pope Innocent V… please?
Perhaps I should pick a new Innocent to make it about – Innocent V was pope for five months, and his clearly THOROUGHLY vetted Wikipedia page contains the sentence “Pope Leo XIII beatified him in 1898 on account of his reputation for holiness and saintliness.”
In the meantime, here’s Richard Thompson doing the darkest version of “Ooops I Did It Again” ever: https://youtu.be/V4WGsMplGxU
<3 god love him.
(UPS! ah did it again…)
summa time sadness
I feel like I’m a terrible Catholic for laughing at “Dicknitatis Humanae”.
95 feces is so very appropriate for Luther and I love you for making this pun/am wondering about my punning ability since I have never seen it before.
As a thank you, here’s an NSFW link to my favorite obscene Reformation woodcut. http://www.pubtheo.com/images/woodcut-demons.jpg
Signed, a professor of Early Modern German History.
It’s not a pun, but if there’s ever a community that will appreciate my year 12 history teacher’s description of the Anabaptists as a “zealous semi-orgy of quasi-religious enthusiasm” I feel it’s this one.
I find the antibaptists constantly hilarious. I mean they clearly AREN’T but OH MY GOD, they were so hated that they managed to get 16th century catholics and protestants to work together to kill them. It’s just- that’s some powerful hatred right there.
heck yes anabaptism. those are my crazy people. but seriously, read the martyr’s mirror. not normal.
“Irenaean theodicy?” says Carpocrates of Alexandria. “More like Irenaean theidiocy, amirite?”
Irenaeus flushes scarlet. “More like—” he sputters. “More like you—more like you’re mean and stupid. At least I don’t need to throw around lame puns as if they prove anything! I’m going to write a book about how you Gnostics espouse debauchery and idolize representations of Christ, and then everyone will know how much you suck.”
40 YEARS LATER
Irenaeus suddenly looks up from the half-edited manuscript of “Against Heresies,” a haunted look in his eye. “Nastycism,” he whispers. “Holy shit, I really should have gone with that.”
Staircase wit happens even to the best of us, I guess.
Jerk Store! We’re going with Jerk Store!
Once again, my urge to rewrite “Let it Go” about the Protestant Reformation grows anew.
…
The Pope never bothered him anyway.
would karaoke
would duet
Heretics gonna heret.
Heeere I staaand,
I can dooo no otherrrrr
I could do this all day
You’ve seen the 95 theses, aye? It was really popular during my undergrad. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt5AJr0wls0
This makes me wish I were still an Early Modernist.
The heresy burns bright in Wittenburg tonight
No word of truth to be heard
Tezel’s got indulgences
But it seems that they’re bull!
…
No bishops or popes for me….
I’m free!
…
Let it go, let it go-
Let these theses fly free!
please please please!! Some clergy friends and I are looking for something to flashmob a conference….a Reformation Let It Go would be perfect!!! Pretty please?
*A sunset in the background. A lone German is moving through the empty streets*
“The mood is firm at the Diet of Worms
not an ally to be seen
there’s been an excommunication
and it looks like it’s on me
Theologians howling like this swirling storm inside
couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
be the good monk you always had to be!
Conceal, just kneel, don’t let them know,’
well now they know!
Let it go, let it go,
can’t hold it back anymore!
Let it go, let it go,
nail the theses to the door!
Here I stand, I can do no other!
Let the wars rage on
the pope never bothered me anyway!”
There’s part 1, anyway.
That’s so much better than mine!
Thanks! I’ve been thinking about this for an embarrassingly long time. More than a year, actually, I think.
well, now I how how I’m going to stay sane when my daughters want to watch Frozen for the 532nd time
would subject students to
“More like Pope Whore-mosus, amirite?”–Pope Stephen VI at the Cadaver Synod.
“Y’all must be Theotokin’ something strong.”–Nestorius, at the Council of Ephesus
“You are a bunch of homo-loser-ians.”–various Arians, 1st Council of Nicaea
“Anathematize us all you want; we’re having an icono-blast!”–various opponents of Nicaea II
“We’re going to go ahead and say fili-NO-que.”–the East on the Third Council of Toledo
that last one, dying
I might be writing a story in which there’s an aside that the apostle Philip is now an immortal jewfro-wearing stoner who runs a bakery called Bread of Life in Austin, TX, and I am formally seeking your permission to steal one or two of these.
Pretty sure that guy already exists in Austin.
Damn! Scooped.
I don’t think you’re sorry at all. Not even a little bit.
Martin Luther? More like Martin LOSER.
“I wish God would Erasmuch of your writings” – Martin Luther
My friend once wrote an accurate five points of Calvinism. It was Total Depravity, Utter Depravity, Lots of Depravity, Irresistible Depravity, and Perfect Depravity.
“More like moronphysite” – Nestorius, probably.
“More like Clericis lame-os” – Philip IV
“More like Ass-culta fili” – Boniface VIII
“More like the LOLtological argument” – The Fool to St. Anselm
Totally brill. Thanks!
“Why should any man have power over any other man’s momma’s faith? Oh, that’s right, it’s because yo mamma is so Catholic…..” George Fox
(Kickflips off skateboard, puts on sunglasses) “Did someone call for X-TREME unction?”
…Something’s got to work along those lines.
Hus your daddy?
I ain’t no Lollard Back Girrrrrl.
I heard Simon de Montfort found the Albigensian crusade very Cathartic.
I thought this was so lovely, I sent it to my grandparents. This sounds like a backhanded compliment, but I promise it isn’t?
Oh lord. I’ve never commented here but I think I have to post this now. It’s a song I wrote, to the tune of “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.”
Something Sabellian, something Hegelian,
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Schismatic eunuchs, bad hermeneutics,
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Nothing offends, blasphemes, or shocks,
As long as you are heterodox.
Nobody bothers with the church fathers;
They’re too doctrinally uptight…
Veritas tomorrow, heresy tonight!
Something Pelagian, something New Age-ian,
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Jesuit Buddhists, Gospels of Judas
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Nothing of sin! Nothing from Rome!
Send all those darned inquisitors home!
Hang an acrylic painting of Tillich,
Put all your crosses out of sight…
Veritas tomorrow – heresy tonight!
Something monophysite, something you’ve prophesied,
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Cathars and Lockeans, pneumatomachians
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Bring in the Funk! Bring in the Spong!
Heck, who am I to tell you you’re wrong?
Some of our best are fellows from Westar
They’re always ready for a fight…
Veritas tomorrow, heresy tonight!
Something emphatic, something schismatic
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Gnostic perspectives, caustic invectives
Something for everyone – a heresy tonight!
Nothing for sure! Nothing for shame!
What is tradition but more of the same?
Whate’er your bias, raunchy or pious,
Somebody here will think you’re right!
Docetists and Quakers! Puritans and Shakers!
Manichees and Lollards! Charlatans in collars!
Arians! Contrarians! Arminians! Jovinians!
Sects! Texts!Snakes! Stakes!
Dicta! Fichte! Reuther! Luther!
Don’t be suppressed! Don’t be surprised!
Everyone here’s anathematized.
Old formulations, new condemnations —
Somehow, it all turns out all right!
Veritas tomorrow, heresy tonight!
(I, too, am sorry.)
This…this is my everything. That’s a hell of a first post. Well played.
Thank you so much! I wrote it in, gosh, 2002? And then added to it over the years as a way to cope with grad school stress. If I could go back in time I’d tell 2002 me, “Shh, honey, I know it’s all horrible, but someday there will be a website called The Toast, and there we will find other members of our species…”
Grad school does things to a person. Ask me how I know.
I’ve never felt more Jewish than I do trying to comprehend this entire thread.
“Thomas More? Frankly, I’d prefer a little Thomas Less.”
Now I know what Wolf Hall was missing.
Jokes like those should receive banns. That's no (papal) bull.
“More like Dona-twits.” – Augustine of Hippo
"More like Dona-twits." – Augustine of Hippo
Can’t-i-nopes –> cantaloupes?
Anti-popes –> Antipodes?
Yeah, it’s hard.
Has nobody yet said “Pew!”?
Nobody went with Pope Boner-face? Really?