Texts From Carmilla

by Mallory Ortberg · December 16, 2015

hi my names Carmilla I fell down outside your house
can i live here for a while
what
oh my god you are so beautiful
oh, thank you
who are you?
thank you so much for letting me stay here
i’ll just tell my mom to go ahead without me
where is she going
haha
what?
ur hilarious
I just asked where she was going
YOU MUST NEVER ASK ME QUESTIONS, LAURA
but I –
you are too beautiful for questions
and now i must rest from all that falling down I did before
never ask me another question but lets be best friends when i wake up k
okay
k great

 

hey Laura
yes, Carmilla?
how long would you say you would enjoy holding me
like forever, or still an amount less than that, like should i keep waiting
waiting for what, dear Carmilla?
like for example would you like to braid my hair even after you’re dead
or just until you are dead
I don’t understand
ahh sorry sorry sorry
until we’re BOTH dead i mean

 

have we met before?
haha what?
I could swear I knew your face
i dont think so, i never meet people
i had a dream once, I think, as a girl
with you in it
oh my god me too, i had that same dream definitely
ahh i meant to say i definitely know your face too from dreams!
crazy we had the same dream!
i was in bed and you were on the floor nearby
staring at me
yeah i was just gonna say
you were in bed and i was nearby on the floor
that happened in my dream too
then you came up into my bed and held me tight
right, right, same way of things happened in my dream to me
then – I don’t know how – there was a strange pain in my chest
right where you held me
oh yeah yeah that i remember too
you just started screaming?
like for absolutely no reason
it was as if something bit me –
well i remember specifically in my dream that nobody bit you
really?
i could swear –
yeah i checked
you must have double-dreamed that part

 

Laura
what is it
come here
theres something in the hallway
can’t you come here and tell me what it is?
no
im scared
its disgusting
you come here
it’s just a servant
why is it just STANDING there
he’s working
whatever it is
i hate it

 

oh dear
another girl from the village has died
HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT HER
i’m sorry if i’ve offended you
YOU HAVEN’T OFFENDED ME
I JUST DIDN’T REALIZE ALL YOU CARED ABOUT WAS THIS INERT BITCH
that’s not what i meant at all
I MEAN I WOULD GO DIE RIGHT NOW IF IT MEANT YOU WOULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT ME LIKE YOU’RE DOING ABOUT YOUR DEAD FRIEND RIGHT NOW
she wasn’t my friend
i just thought it was sad that she died
ARE WE SERIOUSLY STILL TALKING ABOUT HER
HONESTLY LAURA YOU SEEM SORT OF OBSESSED WITH HER AND IT’S KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT

 

I’ve just heard a very disturbing story
about a beautiful young woman
who looked a great deal like you
and who came to stay with a friend of mine
just as you came to stay with us
and who was followed by a mysterious illness
just as you have been
what have you to say to that?
never heard of her
must be someone else
she has your exact face!
oh do you know who i bet it is
is Millarca
is that not just Carmilla mostly backwards
yeah but it’s
different name
its my friend Millarca
Carmilla, I know it’s you
whos Carmilla
this is
Llamicar
CARMILLA
sorry new phone who is this

 

Laura
Laura are you awake
are you awake I want to tell you about some feelings I think you should have
can it wait until morning
mm not really
normal feelings?
or blood feelings
…normal feelings
be honest
normal blood feelings

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


36 Comments

  5. dorianneemmerton +39

    I did not now about the webseries, so thanks for that. I will consume any and all homoerotic vampire matieral. (Wait, is any vampire material NOT homoerotic?) (Oh, Twilight) (Actually, maybe Twilight gets homoerotic later on, I could only force myself to muck through the first book, I take it back, I am SOMEWHAT DISCERNING in my consumption of vampire material.)

    1. Abanthis +54

      Twilight’s become increasingly homoerotic since the hilariously awful genderflipped rewrite allowed people to merge the two canon couples for same-sex sparkly stalky vampire trash.

    2. chiaroscuromom +22

      I was going to offer Fledgeling by Octavia Butler as not very homoerotic, but I guess it kind of is? You should probably read it anyway though, just to be sure.

      1. anybodies +11

        Wait what? Fledging is so homoerotic. She totally makes out with women! Elderly women. Even though she looks like she’s eight…

  6. Tea.with.jam +27

    I’m actually a little surprised this wasn’t your first texts from? I mean, you think mallory, you think Carmilla, right?

  8. jereich2 +32

    Also, just popped by for the requisite “SAVE CARMILLA SEASON 3,” and now my quest has been completed.

  10. BessieMaeMucho +49

    I can’t be the only Toastie who was deeply disappointed for a moment to realize this wasn’t Texts from Carmella, Toast pup.

    2. ru_ri +56

      I clicked hoping it was a typo!

      Hi my name’s Carmella I fell down outside your house
      I need to stay for a while
      do u have kibble
      and also belly rubs

      This might be one of my fondest daydreams!

  12. redfivetwo +9

    Mallory please watch the web series immediately you will have so, so many Feelings about Danny (and Carmilla, of course.)

  14. pseudonymica

    THIS IS THE BEST. It's the best everything. I don't care about the web series (that's a lie; I'll check it out later but now I want to bask only in these texts). I want to print it out and put it between the pages of the original Carmilla so I never read one without the other.

    I'd need like five copies, though, because I think I have that many copies of Carmilla in various anthologies. I pretty much only buy anthologies that include Carmilla and The Yellow Wallpaper.