Death Becomes Her
Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn as resentful exes playing an increasingly dangerous game of lesbian one-upmanship. One-updykeship. I don’t know, puns aren’t my strong suit. All of Bruce Willis’ scenes are replaced with that shot of Isabella Rossellini wearing a necklace for a shirt and purring “You’re scared.”
Bernadette Peters and Madeline Kahn star as rival porcelain-throated, black-hearted stepmother-queens bent on kidnapping the same babies. After a series of bungled attempts at poisoning each other (“An apple? I invented the poison apple routine”), they stop trying to make Rapunzel let down her hair…and start letting down their own.
Some Like It Hot
Sugar doesn’t need another male saxophonist. She really doesn’t need an oil executive. What she needs is Josephine. What Sugar and Josephine need is to become a pair of molls-in-love, the Bonnie and Bonnie of the 1920s, roaming the resorts and casinos of the Florida coast and fleecing elderly millionaires.
The Miracle Worker
“But Mallory, Annie Sullivan wasn’t a lesbian!” Oh, now who’s being naive?
The Third Man (the third man is lesbianism)
“Don’t be so gloomy. After all, it’s not that awful. Like the fellow says, in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, lesbians, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love. They had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”
Don’t tell me you wouldn’t see this, even if they did have to re-name it B*L*A*P*S.
The Boys In The Band
Only it’s bois now, obviously, and instead of tearing each other apart with savage observations about one another’s personal failings, they’re just having a really good time playing drum solos and giving each other haircuts.
Bend It Like Beckham
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers dies immediately after signing Jess to the Hounslow Harriers. He explodes, or his head falls off, or something. See also: Showtimes The Tudors. After Henry’s untimely death, the ladies of the court pass the time before Edward is old enough to take the throne by marrying each other.
Bringing Up Baby
Both roles now played by Katharine Hepburn. No other changes.
“Oh my god – I love Dionne! I’m majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Dionne!” (Also, somehow, this remake prevents Stacey Dash from taking that hard right turn in real life.)
We’ve been over this before, but you will never convince me for even a moment that Rizzo ever knowingly engaged in heterosexual activity. This movie is stuffed to the gills with leather girls and spinster principals with plucky, adoring Gal Fridays and wide-eyed femmes wobbling in heels. Danny Zuko is the King of the Lesbians, and don’t you forget it.
The First Wives’ Club
By strange coincidence, every living American First Lady leaves her former-president husband and comes out on the very same day. They start a club. It’s for Lesbian First Ladies.
I don’t even think there was a movie? I just have a strong feeling that Johnny Appleseed should have been a lesbian. I don’t even have anything to back this up. Just…Johnny Appleseed should have been a lesbian, probably.
Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion
IT’S SO CLOSE ALREADY.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.