Men Who Have Finally ‘Found Their Sound’ In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · January 11, 2016

my sound

close the door
CLOSE THE DOOR
cant you READ the SIGN
jesus
this song’s not ready yet
close the door!!

 

my sound13

but Father, I’m so ti–
NO ONE GOES TO BED BEFORE I FINISH THIS LUTE SOLO

 

my sound11

Helen
HELEN
get your eyes back on the page
stop praying
there’s no god to hear you or stop any of this

 

my sound12

one broken string means there’s still seven UN broken strings i can play with

 

my sound9

sit back down
i’m not finished
no I’m just
I’m just stretching my legs
I can hear better when I’m standing

 

my sound5

it’s kind of hard to serenade you if you keep scooting away
ahh sorry
it’s the dress
very slippery

 

my sound2

shut up
everybody shut up
I SAID SHUT UP I GOTTA HARP SOMETHING

 

my sound3

theyre gonna feel so fucking bad for being me dicks to me once they hear this shit
i bet theyll fucking cry
carl especially
and i wont even care
ill just keep playing and blowing everybodys minds

 

my sound7

no it’s
I’m clapping with my ears

 

sound

guys we fucking DID it
we found our sound
we so did
holy shit is it just me or do we sound AMAZING
no its not just you

 

my sound10

could you hear the difference
yeah
no I mean I just played it again
did you hear the difference that time
no I know
I heard it
okay but were you LISTENING
no i definitely was
okay but

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


101 Comments

    1. Claudia +62

      Or grad school, sadly. My boyfriend’s roommate (we were all in the chemistry program) would *force* me to guess the song he was playing, as he was learning guitar. Oh my God, it sucked so bad. He was so awful. The best part was that to protect his own ego, when I didn’t recognize the song, he would just say that it was because I just wasn’t as musical as him. Or smart, or whatever. Man, he was a dick.

      1. middlemarch +34

        THAT IS THE WORST. Like, I was a super serious cellist growing up so I KNEW music, and man. When dudes’ bands were bad… and then they claimed it was part of the vision? Or performance? Dude, you are not Nirvana, you just don’t know how to play guitar.

    2. Alli525 +39

      Oh noooooo I was just generally laughing at this post until your comment reminded me of my college BF who was convinced he was god’s gift to bard-dom (he UNIRONICALLY moved to L.A. after college to become a “musician and a story-teller.” lasted less than 6 months, to my schadenfreudian delight.)

      Puffed-Up Men And The Women Who Somehow Fall Into The Trap Of Dating Them, amirite?

      1. middlemarch +32

        Oh man, I live in LA and dated a guy who worked in the tech end of the music industry, and early on he invited me to see his band perform. I was DREADING it, fearing that it would be a repeat of every terrible guy band I’ve ever had to endure and that I would have to feign smiles during the performance and then ghost forever.

        Thankfully, his band was actually pretty great (they mostly did old-timey country and 19th c. German lieder… translated and arranged into old-timey country which sounds weird but actually is awesome), and we ended up dating for several months and parted amicably. However, I recognize that my experience is AN INCREDIBLE RARITY and that situation could have been AN UTTER DISASTER.

        2. tinypaperme +13

          I would seriously listen to leider arranged as old-timey country. I have a hilarious cover of “Ring of Fire” by a German singer in which he manages to make it sound even more country than it already was; surely the translation must work as well going the other way too?

    2. LeastBittern +35

      I approve of sequestering this sort of man in a all-bro commune with limited contact to the outside world and also a pretty strict no boning rule.

  7. damanoid +184

    Welcome to the Visual Arts Gallery of Why Musicians Are Dicks.

    “Behold, your painting of a musician! –What? You didn’t want a picture of a musician being a colossal dick? I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that you were commissioning a caprice. A caprice is a fantastic image of something that does not exist, such as a musician not being a dick.”

  8. latenac +80

    Some art history course I took explained that often there were symbols in paintings and generally stringed instruments like lute and guitar were symbols for vaginas. The class was looking at Vermeer specifically so it may not universally apply especially for those monks. But it does makes this collection of paintings all that more amusing.

    1. walrathem +54

      I can’t decide if this “lute = ladybits” idea is because the painters were all dudes or because the art historians were all dudes. How on earth does one go about proving or disproving that particular statement?

        1. walrathem +21

          I just don’t know how they do the scholarship on what means what outside the saint’s symbols which were literally spelled out in official lists. Are there books from the era these were painted saying that’s what the lute symbolizes? I’m not saying it doesn’t have that connotation- if it’s as easy as it is for us now to see a man playing a guitar and translate it in our heads to “guy trying to get girls, prob. annoying” then it makes sense there could be the same connection in the past when symbolism was a more common way to tell stories.

    3. OiSunshine +10

      Is that why there’s few pictures of women strumming their own lute?

      (I don’t know if that’s true, but it seems a fair bet.)

      2. g2-3bd9ed4865f8189c2ece50e4fd7e11c2 +13

        “Strumming one’s lute” would be a nice euphemism, wouldn’t it?

    1. Kay +21

      I was gonna say that. And also, that I think that the caption is accurate even so. Luther seems like that kind of dad.

        1. Unreadaethel +14

          “No, kids, you’re not going anywhere. Now listen to this one I wrote about how the Pope is the antichrist and espouses an empty theology of shit, which leads the people down the road to damnation.”

    2. Sean_Sullivan +70

      “Martin, your surname comes from the High German liut (‘people’) and heri (‘host’). The etymology has absolutely nothing to do with lutes.”

      “…”

      “You don’t need to prove anything. Don’t you see that? It’s not too late to just put the instrument down and walk aw-”

      STRUM

      1. Merripat +37

        Not to theologiansplain here (…well, actually that is exactly what I’m about to do, sorry), but his original surname was Luder*. About the time he wrote the theses, he changed it to Luther which is derived from the Greek eleutheros, meaning “free”. So based on Luther alone neither “lute”, nor “people” and “host”.

        *I don’t know about the etymology of Luder, you’re probably still right about that, though. I just wanted to add some of my knowledge.

        1. Sean_Sullivan +22

          Thanks for the schoolin’!

          you’re probably still right about [the etymology of Luder]

          Maybe not. Turns out there’s a bunch of possibilities, and I’m super unqualified to choose between them. The name could be toponymic (there’s a town called Lüder in Saxony); historical (a variation of Ludher, which is a variation of Lothar, which is a variation of Chlothar, a name favored by the ancient Frankish kings); or pejorative. (Luder is a cognate of “lure,” which in those days denoted the bloody clot of meat and feathers used in training falcons. That might explain why Martin was keen to rename himself.)

          1. Merripat +25

            I couldn’t find anything about that in my notes from this particular class but according to German Wikipedia, Luder is indeed derived from a town name – they indicate it’s Großenlüder which is in Hesse. Apparently the Luders took their name from a family of nobility called von Lüder. But this family also had to get their name from somewhere, right? That’s why I think you could still be right.

            Fun fact: “Luder” is now also one of the German terms for “bitch”. (This led to a lot of amusement in my ecclesiastical history class. Apparently we are all about twelve years old.)

            Edit: I now realize that I might not have explained this last part as well as I should – I looked it up again, and another, maybe better, translation for “Luder” would probably be “minx”. The German word is not as derogatory as “bitch” (but still not a particularly nice term).

          4. Sean_Sullivan +24

            For the sake of laying this to rest, I looked up the German Wiki article for Großenlüder. The town is one of several named for the River Lüder. The ever-useful River Names of Europe traces Lüder to the Old High German hlutar: “pure.” (Compare modern German lauter.)

            So Martin swapped a name of Purity for a name of Truth, which certainly goes to show something or other.

          5. tree_and_leaf +9

            It’s like a tiny allegory of renouncing Law for Gospel! Or something. That’s how Martin would have doubtless seen it, anyway.

      1. Unreadaethel +42

        Known for both his tight sound and his sick burns against people who don’t “get it.”

  10. aurorabirdialis +68

    #4

    sweet jesus where did you find this picture of that guy from the music department who barged into my solo dinner that time and forced his company on me

  11. celery +141

    Awwwwwwww, those guys in the second-to-last painting are strangely endearing, all so proud of their music together. I hope they continue making music happily around the table for many years to come, without ever forcing their other friends to sit and listen.

  13. jennycieplak +69

    I actually enjoyed how happy the 3 monks look in the second to last picture! Good for you, guys! Now, enjoy it without bothering anyone else…

    2. EnchiladaTaco +38

      Yes! We can magnanimously approve of and support the 3 monks because they have helpfully tucked themselves away in a walled building where they won’t bother any ladies with their Mumford and Sons noodling. Huzzah, you monks.

      1. Unreadaethel +10

        Just 3 dudes, having a jam session, not trying to impress anybody but each other. It’s glorious.

  14. builtahouse +105

    Please tell me the picture of the Woman Not Even Hiding Her Ear-Covering is entitled: “Woman Enraptured By Lute Player” or “Lute Player Gets All The Laydeez” or some other tone-deaf title.

      1. tinypaperme +38

        “Lute Player With Young Lady In Salon Ten Minutes Before She Finally Manages To Sneak Away”

  15. Xolandra +87

    GentlemanX is currently in a band that is finding its sound. I wish I had been having drinks with these ladies on Friday night instead of them, now.

    Srsly, Mallory, the musician in Western Art History series has been so useful for my relationship. At this point, I just need to _think_ “you are playing your guitar AT me” and he looks sheepish and stops. Thank you.

      1. Xolandra +17

        It helps that I sent him the link in an email titled “ahahahahahahaha, this is my life, and then for about three months would say, with a dripping saccharine tone and a shit-eating smile “sweetie, you have gone from playing your guitar to playing your guitar at me”. Now all he needs is the smile 😉

  16. telophase +93

    Twenty-five years ago I was in the Society for Creative Anachronism, and something I do not miss from that time is the tendency for attack bards to show up at your campsite without warning to sing at you.

    I now occasionally encounter them in guise of filkers at cons who break into song without first inquiring as to whether or not you would welcome it or if you’d rather continue the conversation you were in the middle of with someone else.

    3. Zelenka +20

      At first I read this as ‘the tendency TO attack bards’ and wondered what was wrong with that.
      Ah, SCA. That was my high school hobby. Good times.

  18. hippopotropolis +23

    Guy #8, your instrument only plays five different notes, you are not blowing anyone’s mind today.

  19. Frumiosa +107

    I need a series entitled Men Loudly Reading Excerpts from Internet Articles at Women in Western Art History. The struggle is real.

  21. Ross Thompson +38

    #1 clearly just graves the closest object to hide the fact that he was masturbating when his mom walked in.

  22. Meg +24

    Satin dress lady is totally representing me in high school/college whenever some guy wanted to “play something for me”.

  23. Summer +20

    I lived with five musician boys at university last year and I can confirm that these are all outstandingly accurate.

  24. crawlkill +41

    from that first dude’s expression it seems more like His Sound has finally found him, breaking down the door, roaring toward him, he can’t run anymore, at least in endings there is some peace

    1. Teka Lynn +11

      He’s just trying to tune his instrument! If someone interrupted me when I was getting that last tiny-tiny peg turn to just the right pitch, I’d look like Gollum too.

  26. Unreadaethel +58

    #2: why is Martin Luther serenading people on the lute?

    #8: “Wait, I had this all figured out yesterday. It’s…what did I come up with? The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift…yup, that’s it, I’m so brilliant.”

      1. OoTheHumanities +32

        “Really, really what they sound like. See I have them chained up here for research.”

  28. jenvega +56

    “theyre gonna feel so fucking bad for being me dicks to me once they hear this shit
    i bet theyll fucking cry
    carl especially
    and i wont even care
    ill just keep playing and blowing everybodys minds”

    Literally everyone’s adolescence, whether or not they played an instrument and/or knew someone named Carl.

    1. Ganymede +10

      The person I know who would have said all this, and made exactly this kind of music, was actually called Carl. (Actually a sweetie tho.)

  31. saffiedarling +17

    Broken string guy in number four is just reminding me how much I retrospectively hate The Name of the Wind. Ugh, Kvothe.

    1. at437 +7

      OH MY GOD YES.
      Music? NAILED IT.
      Magic? NAILING IT.
      Unlikely survivalist instinct? DING DING DING.
      Being the absolute worst dickhead in fantasy writing? NAILING IT LIKE NO OTHER.

  32. Glen H +14

    This is a flashback to Catholic school in the late ’70s/early ’80s. Beardy dudes playing guitar at you.
    FOR GODS SAKE, WE WERE CHILDREN, YOU MONSTERS!

  33. Trixr

    I grew up with a folk musician, and I can just about get behind folk as a form of oral history.

    Filking, on the hand – and I love fantasy – is goddamned folk music about made up stories. And apparently anyone who loves SFF is supposed to love filk about their favourite characters. No. No. No. No.

  35. annathecrow +17

    I dunno, all I see in #3 is the guy in the green jacket gazing lovingly at the pianist, while the girl in white is furiously pretending she doesn’t see anything and her friend is just blessedly oblivious.

  38. elinei +7

    I dated a lute player. Those are DOUBLE strings. So he still has FIFTEEN strings to play something on.