Reasons I Would Make An Excellent Fisher King And You Should Consider Me For The Position -The Toast

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Previously: Reasons I Would Make An Excellent Housekeeper In A Forbidding Eighteenth-Century Estate And You Should Consider Me For The Position.

1. Whenever I get sick, I also feel like the world around me should wither and decay out of respect for my discomfort.

2. I have never once suffered in silence and feel strongly that when I experience pain, so should everyone else.

3. Like the Fisher King, I prefer using vague euphemisms rather than referring directly to anyone’s genitals. “Where are you hurt?” “Leg area, in general.”

4. “During the feast, at the beginning of every course, a procession containing a candelabrum, a bleeding lance, and a grail are all brought through the dining hall. Percival watches the objects go by and fails to ask the Fisher King about each procession. After the feast ends, Percival retires to his room, and once awake from slumber, discovers that the castle is in ruin and everyone gone. Over time Percival discovers that the failure to ask about the procession causes the Fisher King’s wound to remain unhealed.” I too feel a deep resentment when someone fails to ask me what’s wrong after I’ve made it abundantly clear I want them to ask me what’s the matter.

5. The idea of just lounging around in a castle demanding everyone watch my weird theatrical dinner parties and then throwing a tantrum and leaving in the middle of the night when my guests fail to ask me “So what do the candelabrum represent?” would really suit my temperament down to the ground.

6. My ideal relationship to the Grail Quest would be “laying around while other people ask me about it.”

7. There is a possible homoerotic interpretation of my narrative, which is unexpectedly cut off halfway.

8. I too contain surprising pagan, anti-Grail undertones.

9. One of my favorite ways to let people know I’m not feeling well is to withdraw and then make them guess.

10. The Disney character I most strongly identify with is the Beast before he learns how not to emotionally attack everyone around him, so.

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