Women With Snake Boyfriends In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · January 20, 2016

snakes1

his name is Gregory and yes, it is serious

 

snakes2

we actually have a LOT in common 
he shares my love of compasses
I AM being serious
he does

 

snakes3

well if it makes you uncomfortable then you can just leave, Mom

 

snakes7

we don’t even need you anymore, Karl
we have snakes now
get out of here
yeah, get out of here
you Karl

 

snakes8

you used to love this game, Jeremy
ssss
well what is THAT supposed to mean?

 

snakes9

anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Ernest

 

snakes10

hold still 
hold STILL, Mitchell
Jesus 
why does everything feel like it has to turn into a fight with you?

 

snakes11

we don’t need them
we don’t need any of them
honestly fuck them if they can’t understand what we have together
lets never go back

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


73 Comments

  2. hussified +139

    I feel that from now on, anything that anyone to say needs to be said in front of Ernest.

  4. bighairnoheart +176

    With this and misanthropic flower crown wearers The Toast has really been hitting it out of the park when it comes to my very specific interests. What next? Richard I’s unsuccessful come ons to Saladin? An entirely biased ranking of hobbits?

          1. owlbrick +33

            1)Sam 2)Merry 3)Pippin 4)Bilbo 5) Rose Cotton 6)Frodo 7)Fatty Bolger 8)Farmer Maggot 9)Farmer Cotton 10)the Old Took

          3. Baroness Octothorpe +31

            Yeah, and where’s Lobelia Sackville-Baggins? She should be top 5 for the name alone!

          4. elsajeni +61

            That doesn’t seem biased enough, are you sure that’s not just a regular ranking of hobbits? Mine would go:
            1. Pippin, this is my biggest bias, I love him best and I have no justification for it
            2. Sam
            3. Merry
            4. Fatty Bolger
            (hugely biased in favor of the conspirators as a group, THEY’RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS THEY LOVE FRODO SO MUCH THEY’RE SO BRAVE)
            5. Rose Cotton (generally a delight)
            6. Frodo I guess (saves world, etc.)
            7. Farmer Maggot (takes no shit from Ringwraiths or children; I can respect that)
            8. Ham “Gaffer” Gamgee (also takes no shit from Ringwraiths, general font of folksy wisdom)
            9. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, FIGHT ME
            10. Bilbo

          5. ponche creme +22

            Is that a defensive “FIGHT ME”? Or your suggestion for Lobelia’s personal motto? Cause to me, Lobelia with umbrella is one of the awesome women of Middle Earth.

          6. owlbrick +21

            So here’s some bias… I had an Unpleasant Aunt who reminded me of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins; it makes it hard for me to see past. Although the bit with her as a survivor of the occupation by the Ruffians, being let out of jail like a concentration camp survivor, does stir a fair amount of pity.

          7. Brie +6

            1) Pippin 2) Rosie 3) Merry 4) Sam 4) Frodo (I am so sorry, Elijah Wood, I still love you) I really don’t remember the rest enough for it to matter.

    2. atlasblue85 +63

      I would attempt to write an entirely biased ranking of hobbits but I think what it would devolve into would just be me crying about how much I love hobbits and how beautiful and good they are.

      but also maybe I might do it anyway.

      1. alder_tree +7

        NGL, if it weren’t for hobbits being mildly xenophobic homebodies, I would be a hobbit in an instant.

  5. houblonchouffe +80

    ssss
    well what is THAT supposed to mean

    I am howling with laughter in my head and would be doing so audibly if it wasn’t for, you know, office propriety

  6. zachariahary +122

    My paralyzing phobia of snakes will in no way be improved when my girlfriend inevitably leaves me for one.

    1. alder_tree +75

      “pat me down with a paper towel to remove excess grease”

      why is that making me lolol

  11. nopemobile +73

    Where do I have to go to get one of those crop tops made of live snakes? This is the only clothing I will accept from now on.

    1. Brie +17

      This made me imagine a romance between Medusa and a Naga lady where the Naga lady would just lie there stroking Medusa’s snake hair while Medusa got a face mask with cucumbers over her eyes.

      siiiiiigh.

  13. theoryofturtles +11

    This is exactly what I needed right now. I’m struggling not to laugh on a video conference, and it’s so, so worth it.

  14. Es_Petal +120

    When I was little, my sister had a snake, which lived in my room as I was the only one who didn’t mind sleeping with the light on. She (although we had no real idea of her gender, she was called Alice so it could be after Alice Cooper if she turned out to be a boy) used to escape fairly regularly, and would normally be found in my bed with me as it was the warmest place in the room. I feel like this is relevant to this post.

    1. Gzortenplatz +71

      “No, no, the snake just ended up in bed with me because it’s the warmest place in the room” is clearly the origin story for all of the above snake boyfriends.

    2. smiavs +58

      Can we crowdfund this shit? It wouldn’t even have to be on the OFFICIAL headsets–although that would be awesome. There could be an app that you could download. We just need enough money to 1.) develop the app and 2) send her to all the museums.

      1. Pegasus Olson +5

        Not even an app–my history teacher once made us CDs that did this. Basically we just need some mp3s.

      2. RLT +5

        We probably don’t need to send her to the museums. She can probably just ad lib while clicking through the museum website.

  16. bighairnoheart +54

    Possibly relevant. As a child I used to have a pet garter snake that I rescued from death by housecat. His name was Victor. Thirteen year old me would approve of all of the names of the snakes in this post.

  17. Frumiosa +176

    Snake boyfriends? Was not expecting this kind of micro-aggressive interspecies-heteronormative language around here. My snake girlfriend and I will take our business elsewhere.

    1. Zelenka +13

      Snakes are intrinsically phallic, though. Wouldn’t you assume a snake was male unless you had specific information otherwise?

      1. violetse7en +38

        I would argue that a snake is intrinsically vulvic, as it is essentially a mouth that devours its prey whole.

        Worms are pretty phallic though.

  18. Alice +22

    Am I the only one who thinks the dude in #4 looks JUST like the bad guy from the Drew Barrymore Cinderella movie (Ever After)?

      2. damskdrednwhite +8

        WHAAAAT??? How have I never noticed this. I’ve seen both movies more than five times. I would be a terrible detective

  19. builtahouse +37

    damn but do I want the muscle definition in #7’s arms.

    Having a snake boyfriend because you’re a badass Amazon? seems legit.

  21. LacaunaKale +29

    Having just read that article on the cut about PUA’s, I’m all for snake boyfriends. Perhaps a eyelash viper. Far less venomous then dudes who own coffee shops.

  22. Lethologica +31

    Clearly this is an exception to Evil Overlord List rule #34: “I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.”

  23. insearchofmornings +19

    If you haven’t read the Wikipedia entry on snake names, I urge you to do so. It works beautifully for giggling over in bed at 1am with your beloved. Then come back here and post your favourite snake name. I am torn between the zebra spitting cobra (quite a party trick), the Sumatran short-tailed python, and the Chihuahuan ridge-nosed rattlesnake.

  24. Lizzie_Sidds +49

    Pedantry! The snake in the first painting is literally her husband. And it was Evelyn Pickering de Morgan’s first major professional painting after she threatened to kick Queen Victoria if she was presented at court and fucked off to Italy to study art on a meagre dress budget.

  27. dakimel +70

    So in college, my boyfriend & I got a ball python together.

    Name: Finnegan Snake.
    Size: about 5′ long
    Temperament: refused to eat. We had to find a vet who would see snakes that we could reach on the bus line. Turned out, Finnegan was full of eggs, so then we had to make a snake egg incubator to help her out. None of them hatched, though, probably because (so the bus-accessible vet said) she wasn’t handled well by whoever bred her/sold her on without realizing she was breeding. (My niece is earning her animal care badge in Brownies right now, so I was able to validate her “why we don’t keep exotics as pets” info.)

    College was in CA, and I lived in TX. I drove the snake back home with me for the summer. When you’ve been in the car for 7 or 8 hours by yourself, and you pull up to a truck stop in the desert at twilight, there is nothing like a belt made of live python to make you feel secure walking through the parking lot.

  28. sema4dogz +36

    when…you pull up to a truck stop in the desert at twilight, there is nothing like a belt made of live python to make you feel secure walking through the parking lot.

    Now, where else but The Toast …..

  29. Snakesmommy +7

    I’m the mommy of Louise the Python who is definitely a girl.
    Link to videos I’ve made showing daily life with 11 feet of serpent at your feet is over here. https://www.youtube.com/c/LouisethePython
    Oh, and I *just* got footage of her foot fetish.
    Or if that link got stripped go to youtube and search on [LouisethePython] one word.

    1. evah42 +1

      “You had an exhausting day … licking the fireplace logs” – Did I hear that right in the ‘hogging the bed’ video? Because if so, that’s amazing.

      1. Snakesmommy +1

        There’s about 40 videos. A recent one is her on hearth, licking the logs so much that I worry about tongue sprain. How do you treat tongue sprain in a python, anybody know???

  31. pseudonymica

    She did?! I clearly need to learn more about Evelyn de Morgan's life. I love her. I didn't want 2015 to end because I had a calendar that was all her every month. I kept forgetting and thinking it was just some ordinary Pre-Raphaelite calendar, so I got really exited every month when I turned the page and it was another de Morgan painting.

  32. shaqattaq32 +9

    Lost it at Ernest, and my boyfriend asked what the hell I was laughing at, and he didn’t think it was remotely funny. He didn’t get it… That’s why once you go reptilian, you never go back.

  33. ratscantknit +2

    Karl brought a turtle to the snake party. Dammit, Karl.
    (Don’t worry, Myrtle Turtle, it’s not your fault.)

  34. Chloe +5

    You may have focused on these topics already, but I just had an epiphany for two ideas you could maybe do in the future (referring to Western art):

    1) Babies that look like 500 year old demons

    and

    2) Women that are very obviously men with skin-coloured oranges glued to their chest

    Although there are so many instances of these two things that if you did post them, everyone’s brains might just overload, so use these examples wisely!