Illustration by Kelsey Beyer
When you dress in the
same outfit by mistake, who
is the one to change.
Whether it’s okay
to use an old sex toy on
a current partner.
Whether Starbucks cups
are compostable/shame for
not bringing your own.
We’ve been broken up
six months. Should we be going
back to therapy?
Whether it mattered
if the “special brownies” you
made were organic.
Sometimes you’d rather
watch the U.S. women’s soccer
team than have sex.
Whether or not to
watch The L Word again in
its entirety.
By the number of
gifts given, you clearly love
the cat more than me.
Who takes the minutes
at group meetings for Knitting
To End Oppression.
Are you crazy? There’s
TOTALLY LESBIAN SUBTEXT
in this book/film/show.
Babe, BABE. I KNOW how
to assemble this dresser
from IKEA. TRUST.
You don’t understand
or nurture my special crush
on Peter Dinklage!
Whether or not you’re
fighting the “right” way. Worksheets
and lists are involved.
This porn is hot, but
shouldn’t we get off to
womyn-owned, indie smut?
Who will kill the bugs
(or lovingly trap and then
free them in the wild).
Is “Living Room” by
Tegan and Sara creepy
or misunderstood?
Kristen Stewart.
Is _____ (fill in the blank)
fictional character REALLY
gay or REALLY bi?
Sometimes you’d rather
watch another Orange Is the
New Black than have sex.
Have you reconciled
your identity with your
race and class privilege?
No, but really. Let’s
talk about this. Do you love
the cat more than me?
Whether this dolphin
documentary is too
triggering to watch.
Whether it’s worth it
to spend $12 on raw,
cruelty-free honey.
Whether said honey
oppresses bees and should be
on our “no buy” list.
Whose love was MORE REAL
for Alice in The L Word,
Dana’s or Tasha’s?
WHO KEEPS TEXTING YOU?
LET ME SEE YOUR PHONE. *Scrolls through*
WHO’S “MOM”? WHO IS SHE?!
It’s MY turn to wear
the sparkly unicorn vest.
You wore it last time!
Whether to watch a
terrible movie for six
minutes of gay sex.
You forgot (again!)
the reusable tote bag
for the groceries.
Who has the bigger
crush on Carrie Brownstein/best
way(s) to seduce her.
The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) comes out in April and cats everywhere are already disinterested and sleeping on your laptops like they always do. Sign up for Anna’s newsletter for more info, more haikus, and more transference.
No I’m not jealous haha that’s silly who is jealous of a cat. Seriously though you cuddle the cat more than me I am concerned.
My daughter regularly accuses me of loving the cats more than I love her. Evidence:
– She must feed them in the morning before she herself gets fed
– I speak to them kindly at all times
– I indulge their naughtiness and never get mad at them
Shit. Just realized I’m a bad mom.
Thank GOD someone else has had the previously used sex toy convo.
The straight version (at least from my point of view) is almost exactly the same only,
“You let someone else/
use this sex toy on you why/
do you still have it?”
Yes, I am straight. Most recent incident of this was my husband rustling through and finding an old container of his and hers lube and rushing out with it in the middle of a sex act. Um. No baby, I don’t wanna be the second “her” in this equation.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew, no, nope. no. Go buy new coconut oil or something, honey, I’ll be here, waiting.
but it’s just lube!
Who DOESN’T have the previously used sex toy convo? Right?
As long as they are regularly cleaned/sterilized and you use condoms on them, what’s the problem though?
Wait yeah what’s the problem? Granted, I haven’t been in the position of having this conversation yet.
Does anyone really put condoms on sex toys?
I do.
I do as well!
yes, we are called queers.
Yes. Only unlubricated ones though, lubricated condoms have silicone based lube and can damage silicone toys
I can’t speak for everyone, but it tends to be less of a safety thing and more of an emotional attachment thing. “You bought that dildo with her.” And then imagining your partner using it with her.
Yeah, sorry not sorry. I’m not throwing out this $110 hunk of silicone and buying an identical new one over that. My actual flesh and blood parts have also touched other people, and can’t even be sterilized to boot.
And thus, the fight.
That seems… very silly. I’m not gonna throw out my cookware because I used it to make romantic dinners with my ex, either.
haha, I read that as “as long as you’ve cleaned/sterilized the condoms, whats the problem though?”
This is honestly terrifying in its accuracy. See also:
Who does the most emotional labor in this relationship
Where we should go to brunch
College basketball is fun to watch, but isn’t it also oppressive
My therapist disagrees with what your therapist said about me
The cat likes you better than she likes me, and yes I am jealous
Why are you still part of the same softball league as your ex
Please Stop Invalidating My Feelings
sub “NFL” (no kidding) for “college basketball.”
The disagreeing-therapist thing might kill me it’s so …. so honest.
“My therapist disagrees with what your therapist said about me”
I have died. This is too real.
Sub “band” for “softball league” and it sounds just like my friend’s tempestuous relationship.
A: This “gay or bi” shit
Is the reason I always
Say “SHE’S QUEER!!!!” instead.
B: Given non-porous,
Sterilized toys, it ought to
Be safe; plus, condoms.
Ahhhhhh I want this illustration to be for sale as a print so I can hang it up in my bathroom.
It will be soon! Check https://www.etsy.com/shop/nakedtrout in about a week.
Everyone I know can accuse me of loving the cats more than them based on relative gift purchase amounts, and they would be correct.
“When you dress in the
same outfit by mistake, who
is the one to change.”
When the SO got a more executive position and I was briefly a short male version of Claire Underwood I upgraded his wardrobe partly to fit his position and partly to make sure we never wore the same thing (you use color and pattern pattern to indicate you’re a couple, sheesh)
a SHORT MALE CLAIRE UNDERWOOD
I have seen you commenting so long but now your comments have a +10 in my heart.
I read this comment about seven times trying to make sense of it before I realized you didn’t write “CARRIE Underwood.”
You don’t understand
or nurture my special crush
on Peter Dinklage!
DEAL-BREAKER
I didn’t know the crush on Peter Dinklage was a lesbian thing until this article, this happened to me with Johnny Depp too…. god help me, even my straight crushes are gay
Johnny Depp is a lesbian crush?? Well geez, if I’d known that in middle school, I would’ve saved myself at least ten years of confusion over my sexual identity. He and those pretty (male) Japanese rock groups were the only guys I ever really liked.
This is the first time in my life I’ve used sex toys with a partner and I can see now that we can never break up because I do not even want to have this debate.
(I had sex toys before but they were MINE, ALL MINE.)
Ugh, I definitely lost some gems because we DIDN’T have this conversation, and they became my ex’s by default – “whose house were said toys in at the time of breakup”-style.
I’m still grumpy about one in particular, but two years out seems like an inappropriate time to ask for it? (BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE IT.)
My ex kept the good pegging dildo :/ I mean, I have others but I liked *that* one.
Orange is the New Black is really good though.
Whether to watch a
terrible movie for six
minutes of gay sex.
I need to know if this is Blue is the Warmest Color or not. (I just watched it the other night and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it, but DAMN Netflix wasn’t lying about NC-17.)
oh god, I have HEARD THINGS about Blue is the Warmest Color. Male version: Stranger by the Lake is SO ODD. (and so explicit……)
That movie was completely insufferable. As a gay woman, even I had to fast forward through the sex scene after 5 minutes because it was TOO MUCH.
I also hate the director with a passion.
I know most people liked it.
Time, date, and location for the next Knitting to End Oppression meeting, please? I will be there.
I planned to wear pants;
Just now you put on a dress.
Now I’m “the butch one.” 🙁
(also works the other way around. It is my sincere goal that as a couple we should always BOTH be in pants or BOTH be in a skirt/dress.)
This is a constant issue in my relationships! Dresses must be discussed beforehand and both of us must agree.
“Well, we can’t BOTH wear a gray dress with black leggings.”
“Well, I only own gray dresses and black leggings!”
“WHY DON’T YOU BUY MORE CLOTHES?!?!?!”
Also we have a kid. So if one of us matches with the kid and the other one doesn’t, which one is the “better mom”? Is matchy-matchy automatically creepy or is it evidence that I am linked with my kid in a deep way no one else can hope to attain?
neither my partner or I ever wear pants but I’m the butch one because I don’t have an issue with bugs, have a driver’s license and thus do all car-related stuff (like, um, renting and driving them), and am slightly (VERY SLIGHTLY) less useless with tools.
There are some inconveniences in the femme-femme relationship.
I am the competent one in these very particular purviews:
1. Medical attention, including dosing of medications, wound/burn care, first aid, and my actual specialty of gynecology and obstetrics;
2. Basic arithmetic up to and including the kinds of fractions commonly found in cooking and/or sewing;
3. Where to put a comma;
3a. Where NOT to put a comma!;
4. The Lord of the Rings.
In all other aspects of life, my wife is the competent one. She is a stay-at-home mom with top-notch home ec skills. She knows how to build and fix things. She’s gonna be really useful in the post-apocalypse but at least I can take care of the commas (and the medical care, sure).
PS I am afraid of all bugs and everyone knows it, but I am too “brave” to let a little hysterical fear stand in my way, I will dispatch the biggest mofo roach in the world as long as you let me cry and shake while doing it.
I console myself that I would not be totally useless in the post-apocalypse because my thumb is pretty green so I could grow food (and cook it.)
This is assuming I survive the apocalypse-apocalypse thanks to someone who knows how to, I guess, shoot guns and stuff. I do not know any such person.
I read this as “cat-related stuff” the first time through. Did not sound wrong at all…
The last one, but with Rachel Maddow. And my husband. (guys I think my husband might be a lesbian)
I realized recently that all of the men that I date are basically lesbians. It’s a pretty great subset of the male population.
Same. My boyfriend is seriously the most fem out of all the people I’ve dated too. Long pretty hair, great fashion sense, soft spoken and gentle.
But I like butch women. I’m weird.
Weird but not alone. 🙂
Haaaaaa me too.
And 3!
(wo)Man, being a lesbian sounds like hard work.
Every relationship can be improved with Fair Fight Rules stuck prominently on the fridge, and this is a hill I will die on.
I misread “stuck” as “stick” and was amused and slightly perturbed that your vision of a fair fight involves the couple doing battle with sticks.
“Never go to LARP angry.”
I committed the same misreading, but I totally thought it was like a Talking Stick, and was thrilled that somewhere out there, lesbians were disagreeing while earnestly passing a talking stick back and forth.
Also, return of my favorite series 😀 but only one kitty picture 🙁
I’m not a lesbian but I would like to join Knitting to End Oppression.
LIVING ROOM IS IMPORTANT AND EXCELLENT *stomps out*
SOMETIMES I SPEND ALL NIGHT
LOSING SLEEP
I SPEND THE NIGHT AND I LOSE MY MIND
IF I SPEND THE NIGHT, THEN I LOSE MY MIND.
I feel the cat ones. I call my boyfriend “Sweetie” and that’s what he calls the cat, and the ratio of his I love you’s to me and the cat is 4:1 in the cat’s favor.
“I love youuuuuu!”
“Love you too, sweetie.”
“Oh… I was talking to the cat, sorry.”
This above conversation has happened between me and my partner more than I care to admit.
Eeeeeeh, I chose genlemanX _because_ he liked his cat so much, and because of how much she liked him.
Anyone, i figured, who could get a cat to like him that much _must_ be a good person. His cat was not wrong.
It’s an excellent indicator. Cats, dogs, and small children all gravitate towards MrD and he has never let me down.
I found a woman who cares about exactly none of these issues enough to argue about them. (Except the IKEA dresser, but IKEA dressers are a source of universal strife.)
I married the helllllllll out of her.
I have seen some ugly sex toy sabotage and destruction in lesbian breakups under the “well NOW you won’t use it with ANYONE but ME” rationale.
I couldn’t help but feel like some haiku ninja has been spying on me.
“There she is again!
See?! The dyke with the notepad!”
“It’s a haiku slam.”
These are all the parts of queer culture I’m lucky I never really participated in.
Please unfriend my friends
Cats can’t have split custody
They will cut a bitch
Chick with guitar- BLECH
For fuck’s sake shave your armpits
And your panty line
Can’t stomach L-word
Vegans are so annoying
I doubt Celiac
HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PETER DINKLAGE THING
(He was actually my most recent NYC celebrity sighting. We walked right past each other! I tried very hard to look cool and oblivious! But on the inside I was freaking out!)
You just did that thing again.
The thing we argued about 2 years ago.
That thing you agreed not to do.
Did you read that article on passive-aggressiveness?
Why? Umm. I don’t know. No reason, really.
Why did you think I asked you to read it?
I really like the second paragraph. I don’t have to explain the joke to say why.
Just watched “The Station Agent” again!
I never comment. Just commenting to say how much I enjoyed this comment thread.
Definitely