“Listen, Lieutenant, if there’s anything I can do in order to be of further assistance, I’d be happy to help, but as it is I’m late for an appointment.”
“Oh, of course, of course. Of course. Must be very important.”
“Aw, geez.”
“Oh, that’s right. Have you – have you made any progress with your investigation?”
“Oh, I’m afraid not. No, sir. No, I’m afraid not.”
“Why, no. I remember the tile by the pool was completely dry. What a funny thing to notice.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m afraid I simply don’t have the time to explain this all to you. It’s a very complicated field, Lieutenant.”
“Oh, of course, of course. Very complicated. Probably have to be very smart to understand it.”
“Is that all?”
“Can I offer you a drink?”
“Ah, I’d love one, but on-duty, you know…”
“I’d be happy to explain it to you, Lieutenant, but seeing as how I’m already running late, perhaps some other time…?”
“Put that down, please. It’s very valuable.”
“Oh, is it? Geez, it looks awful expensive. I thought it might be.”
“It is. Would you please put it down?”
“Oh, geez, of course. Sorry. I’m sorry. I just – sometimes I see with my hands, do you know what I mean?”
“I don’t want to be rude, but who exactly are you?”
“Oh, how forgetful of me. You must think I’m crazy.”
“Now, why would a girl like that, with everything to live for, commit suicide?”
“Gee, I’ve always wondered what something like this must cost.”
“Plenty, I can assure you.”
“Sure, but I always wonder, how much? In real numbers, I mean.”
“Well, my wife always wanted one. But I’m afraid I’ve never quite understood it. More of a baseball man.”
“Do you know how many of these you have in the house, sir?”
“Uh, no, not off-hand.”
“It’s not a vase. It’s an urn.”
“You said this was around eight o’clock?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“See, that’s what I just can’t understand. That’s just what doesn’t make sense to me.”
“That’s not a sword. It’s a pala.”
“If you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my own awards ceremony.”
why won’t they bring Columbo back
He’s too busy reading books with adventure and kissing to his ailing grandchild.
Peter Falk no longer lives. Who else could be Columbo?
If you look hard on the internets, you can find info on the original Columbia film, a teleplay from 1960 entitled “Enough Rope”. Colombo was played by Bert Freed.
Also, if you’re a hard core fan, check out the first Peter Falk Colombo movie from 1968. The Mad Men aesthetic mixed with Columbia is pretty cool.
And yet in my existence the only lieutenant could be Peter Falk in that raincoat. Loved the raggy car, the dog, the wife we never saw, the approximately 200 nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles.
Mark Ruffalo (as suggest up-thread, but I really did come up with that actor myself.)
Columbo comes on Hallmark!
I’m kinda worried that they’ll do to Columbo what they did to Darren McGavin’s Kolchak and make him a tall, attractive, sexy-moody younger man (Stuart Townsend). Because ageism.
I’ve Bat-signaled MrChouffe for this one.
“Oh, my wife is a big fan of you, sir, big fan! Oh, she won’t believe it when I tell her.”
I just have to say that the first time I encountered Columbo content on The Toast was the very moment I knew that this was the one and only website for me forever and always. Bless you, Mallory.
One more thing…
“Why? Is it important?”
If only the murderers knew they were in a Columbo mystery, maybe they’d stop being so smug and hubristic. Because really, anyone with an ounce of genre savvy knows that underestimating a detective in an implausibly shabby overcoat, who still gets assigned to high-profile cases involving wealthy victims, is the absolute height of folly. Guys, he couldn’t be incompetent and grungy and still have a job! Stop being rich and stupid!
He’s just embodying what they think the poors look like. What we don’t see is how post denouement Columbo goes back to the office and changes out of his work clothes into his favorite double breasted, gets his actual car (not the unmarked he drives on the case) which is of course an Aston-Martin, and heads out to pick up Mrs. C for their regular “tapas then opera” Thursday night. He wasn’t making her up, she’s real and he loves her very much.
I dunno, Columbo as Class Warrior doesn’t work if he’s performing blue collar and Columbo vs The 1% is such an important dynamic to the show.
(though one of the last episodes sort of outs him a gourmet, though leaves somewhat ambiguous whether he is a good cook)
Gourmet? Columbo was an Italian-American who learned to love decent food as a child.
Did you see the one where Columbo is speaking Italian to some foreign dignitary? And the one where he wears a tux? I was all, His canny cleverness is HOT.
The same applies to A Touch Of Frost.
That sounds like a tag line.
“Columbo: Stop Being Rich and Stupid!”
More Ravenclaw, less Slytherin.
Smug less. Think more.
WHY CAN’T I UPVOTE THIS MORE THAN ONCE.
Which do Toasties like better: the villains who smugly and infuriatingly insist on trying to outsmart Columbo til the bitter end, or the ones who gracefully admit defeat and like, shake his hand before being escorted away?
Definitely the latter! I was kind of sad when Donald Pleasance’s murderer in “Any Old Port in a Storm” went down for killing his douchey half-brother. He and Columbo were getting to be buddies.
I like the ones who solve the case for Columbo and then thank him for the opportunity.
I’m pretty sure there was more than just Shatner in that category.
Faye Dunaway!
Thank you for reminding me that this category exists. I need to sort all the episodes based on the villain’s final gambit style so I can indulge myself in naught but this one.
omg when the mister and I ran across the Shatner episode (we were watching Columbo in series before bed – thanks, Netflix) we almost died. He was so…so… everything. I think we each shouted “You fool, he’s got you!” at least three or four times.
I love that episode for exactly how … everything Shatner goes with that.
I personally think nothing compares to McDowell’s complete meltdown in the cable car.
Poor, poor Roddy. He should never be blamed for anything. Including murders that he definitely committed.
There is of course the “Jack Cassidy” sub-genre of Smug Infuriating Villains.
The way Peter Falk and Jack Cassidy interacted was terrific fun. No wonder he was brought back I think 3 times (murderous hack writer, murderous publisher, murderous magician).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy2z6PypU90
Jack Cassidy is my hands-down favorite Columbo villain, in all his guises.
He has a face you don’t know whether to love or hate, pulls off the “70s gentleman of leisure and also of various ludicrous professions” with great aplomb, and is so game to come back and do it all over again!
The one where he pulls off the magic trick with the different numbers under the skull is A BLESSING.
*sighs happily*
man, Columbo was so good
it was so good
I know I don’t always have anything interesting to say about Columbo but I just enjoy basking in it goodness.
One of my favorite things Falk routinely says in Columbo is “Terrific, just terrific!” The food is terrific, the house is terrific, his wife is terrific. It’s such a newly-’70s expression of appreciation, and I love him for embracing it. I want a supercut of all his terrifics.
“Oh no, sir, I’m a detective. *continues just completely fucking up the crime scene*”
“Y’see, that’s what I don’t understand…”
“That’s interesting, you remember exactly what time you arrived at the party?”
I also still mostly stand by my belief from when I first started watching the show, that Columbo is not actually married and never has been, his “wife” is just a convenient fiction he uses to ask otherwise awkward questions.
there is that episode where he’s on a cruise with his wife. but you still never see her, lol
Wikipedia tells me she does finally appear in like some 1996 one off episode.
Apparently she eventually got her own show? Or something? I might just be confabulating this.
Yes! And she was Captain Janeway! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078635/?ref_=nv_sr_1
I do like that better than the idea that he had a wife almost 30 years younger than him. Even Wife in McMillan & Wife was about 20 years younger and that age difference was addressed.
Murderer: “Please let me know if there are any new developments in the case! I’d like to be of assistance to you.”
Columbo: “Don’t worry. When I catch the killer, you’ll be the first to know.”
Will you please watch Midsomer Murders and then make one of these? I can always tell, for instance, who will be the first to be murdered because they are the most fun character.
YES! It’s like, “Hello, I’m super wacky and out there.” and then DEATH.
My family bought me a pair of what we call “murderin’ gloves” for christmas one year.
Because for several seasons, every single episode started with a pair of hands wearing thin black leather gloves murdering someone in a baroque fashion, and the rest of the episode was about finding who the hands were attached to. It got to the stage where you’d think they could just call around and ask who’d bought gloves recently.
Hence: “Oh, welcome home darling! Let me just put on my murderin’ gloves…”
P.S. The best murder was the one where the guy was staked out on his own lawn with croquet hoops and killed with vintage wine bottles fired from a miniature trebuchet while his wife (who had been tied to a chair) offered the killer advice on his aim. “Might I suggest about three degrees to the left?”
Cracking a hard-boiled egg to eat for breakfast on the murder weapon is the best Colombo moment
I love that episode for exactly how … everything Shatner goes with that.
My family bought me a pair of what we call "murderin' gloves" for christmas one year.
Because for several seasons, every single episode started with a pair of hands wearing thin black leather gloves murdering someone in a baroque fashion, and the rest of the episode was about finding who the hands were attached to. It got to the stage where you'd think they could just call around and ask who'd bought gloves recently.
Hence: "Oh, welcome home darling! Let me just put on my murderin' gloves…"
P.S. The best murder was the one where the guy was staked out on his own lawn with croquet hoops and killed with vintage wine bottles fired from a miniature trebuchet while his wife (who had been tied to a chair) offered the killer advice on his aim. "Might I suggest about three degrees to the left?"
WHY CAN'T I UPVOTE THIS MORE THAN ONCE.
“Now isn’t that funny? See, if it’d been me, and I’d heard my wife had been murdered, well, *I* wouldn’t stay on vacation for another day. It’s funny, how people are different…”