This was an extraordinarily disappointing article, because the headline led me to believe that researchers had somehow discovered the first cases of sadness in children?
But it’s just about some bummed-out Presidents’ kids (I assume Alice is in there, but I refuse to read the article out of principle.)
It could also refer to the “First Children,” as in those ancient youths born of homo erectus parents that exhibited the traits we associate with homo sapiens and their lamented realizations that they were fundamentally different. And they wept.
But no, the children of presidents makes more sense I guess.
“Scientists Confirm Theory of Human Emolution.”
I officially love you.
These [X-hundred-thousand BCE] millenials, they’re so entitled! All their politically correct “increasingly complex cultures based on abstraction and symbolism”. Everyone gets a knapped-stone trophy!
And I read it as “First-born children” (who were subject to rules that their parents later gave up, allowing the latter-born children to have way more fun)
As one of these exact children, I would read this all day long. “What do you mean Sister can go out of state with her high school friends, I couldn’t even go downtown with mine!”
She is mentioned only once, as not especially sad at all, in fact living a much longer and fuller life than her brothers who could not escape their own stifling Rooseveltism despite their own Rooseveltian courage and constitutions.
Dirtbag Alice Roosevelt!
Yes please yes I said yes
Did anyone read the article though? I’m tryna holler at Algernon Sartoris, in all his if-I-were-alive-today-I’d-own-an-alcoholic-soda-fountain-in-Queens glory.
I feel like the whole article is basically, “Sons of Presidents undone by alcoholism, their own adultery, and general dirtbaggery. Daughters of Presidents undone by their husband’s alcoholism, adultery, or general dirtbaggery.”
And apparently the first is sadder, at least for the Adams kids.
Look, ruining women’s lives is very stressful and upsetting for men. Not only do they have to live with the guilt, but now they don’t even have reliable housekeepers anymore.
Charles lived with a guy – who is named John Mulligan but is not related to Hercules – until his dad threatened to cut him off for being too close to his roommate. Hamilton told Baron von Steuben about their problems, von Steuben was like “live in my house!”, and they lived there together for about six months.
Then Charles moved out because faaaaaamily, married his sister’s husband’s sister, had a couple kids, and started to try to put together a career.
When John Mulligan died, Charles drank himself to death within two years.
SO SAD.
Also probably why Adams went from “have a son to raise, Hamilton!” to “Creole Bastard”.
Ugh. The whole Adams family is cursed, I think. (You were born in the wrong era, Clover.)
My mom had a copy of Rosalyn Carter’s biography, “First Lady from Plains.” I remember what must have been a really frustrating conversation with my mom as she attempted to explain it wasn’t the first woman from the Plains, nor the first woman from Plains, Georgia.
Me: “But Martha Washington was the first President’s wife.”
My Mom: “No, it’s something we call all the President’s wives.”
Me: “But how can they all be first?”
My Mom: **oh my God, is my child always going to be this stupid?**
Ok, but you’re missing out on great sentences like this: “A decade later, she discovered Hindu philosophy and went to live in an ashram in South India where she died of uremia.”
“Due to his deep depression, he often spent his days locked in his tiny room where he ‘lived like a pig,’ as one of his brothers put it.”
I don’t know, I feel like a lot of what the article talked about was a lot of depression issues, but also just people falling sick or having accidents? I mean, I don’t want to downplay the sadness of losing your kids, but I also feel like the instances they outline aren’t necessarily connected to being the children of presidents (though you could definitely make an argument for the depression/alcoholism) so much as they are bad medicine/bad marriages/war?
First Children
Having a special name for the children of the ruler of a country seems kind of … unhealthy.
crownprince so and so is now pouting…
Yeah. I’m okay with “First Pet,” though. They’ve earned it.
Like….Prince and Princess?
Yup. You start with special names to show they are important and soon enough you got an aristocracy on your hands.
It seems hard to top Robert Lincoln, “Jinxy McDeath,” in terms of sheer WTF-ness, Pullman company not withstanding.
Also, my two-or-three-years-younger-than-Chelsea heart still writhes in vicarious despair and humiliation at being mocked and called ugly, and literally called a dog, on national tv/radio during the awkwardness nadir of early adolescence. Doted on, my ass.
I guess they were adult-ish, but Cain was pretty bummed out when God rejected his vegetables, right? (I’ve never really understood why God had to be such a dick about that, tbh.)
Oh God, having to live out your “awkward stage” on the international stage! What kind of adult goes after a young person like that?
My favorite response to the awful comments about Chelsea (and omg, how can people be that cruel to a CHILD?) was Wayne’s World, where Wayne and Garth dubbed her either a “future babe” or a “babe in training.”
So, the moral of the story is don’t be a US president’s child, or you’ll die a bankrupt alcoholic when you’re eleven years old.
I thought this was going to be another wonderful Mallory art round-up. I mean, the toys was one was good. What about the kids without toys?! Even more the kids without toys! My god, the sadness!
My favorite response to the awful comments about Chelsea (and omg, how can people be that cruel to a CHILD?) was Wayne's World, where Wayne and Garth dubbed her either a "future babe" or a "babe in training."