I read every slide word-for-word, exactly like how they tell you not to! Hope you enjoy.
I said some stuff out loud for this next slide but I forget what it was so please supply your own humorous caption
This one too, I bet you’ll do great
Okay, back to normal slides
I am now Officially Inspired.
This is just the ticket for International Women’s Day.
(The bit about the colleague who treats you like a direct report, it burns.)
Ugh, I’m nervous I’m sort of doing that to a colleague (I’m slightly superior to her), but she just started at the firm and hasn’t quite learned how to navigate certain people (senior to both of us) who want things done in a certain way (for no logical reason, but you aren’t going to win that war) because she has no experience with them. At first I tried to just be like hey let me show you the ropes, but she fights me every step of the way so now I’ve sort of started abusing my slight seniority and telling her what to do so I don’t have to have a 10 minute argument about it. I’m a bad feminist.
I think you get a bye till she’s settled in.
I was thinking of the colleague in [not my part of the office] who tries to micromanage every task she sees me undertaking, gives me the third degree, suggests I have cancer if I cough too much, and denies knowledge of past events which only happened after we’d got her input on them.
Why aren’t you letting her figure that out on her own?
If she needs to give you components that you need to turn over to them, then it makes sense to explain Exactly How the Project Needs to be Done Because Reasons, but otherwise, let her figure it out. She won’t thank you for it and she’s resisting you, which is entirely counterproductive.
I finally worked up the courage ::yesterday:: to say to my colleague-who-treats-me-like-a-direct-report, “But isn’t this something you can do yourself?”
It was like I had bitten into a York Peppermint Patty.
I am filled with bliss just reading this. Glorious. go you!
This Forever. It has taken 9 years but I am finally getting really good at telling her NO.
my heart glowed!!!
i have graduated beyond “no” to something greater: blatantly ignoring them. i have begun making foul faces when we pass each other in the hallway. when they email me (always marked urgent), i blissfully move the email to the trash. then the follow-up email. then the follow-up follow-up email. then when they ask to “have a word with me,” i ignore them as though i have not heard. “hey, samburgers, hey, hey” they say, “SAMBURGERS” and then i look up, pretend-dazed and say “oh, hey. sorry, off to a meeting now BYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE” and then i walk to the drinking fountain and come right back, taking care to walk past their desk both ways.
i am satisfied in ways i’d never known ’til now.
Yes. Anybody who has advice for a 30-something secretary who needs to tell a Crazy Old Russian History professor to respect her time and boundaries and fuck off, but in a professional way, please see me after class.
I don’t have advice, but the way some faculty treat the administrative staff in my department makes me livid. Any ideas on ways for a lowly grad student to show appreciation? (Other than the basics of acknowledging that we are colleagues who depend on one another’s work and human beings who share an office space, rather than treating staff as personal servants or scapegoats for university beaurocracy or second class citizens or… Gd I hate academic politics).
Ugh, I’m sorry you have to deal with that. It’s not worth it career-wise to pick a fight with a senior academic, especially if the rest of the department seems to go along to get along or there’s no sign of a senior female ally you can turn to.
You might have to just resort to avoidance or disruption rather than some kind of rational conversations. I work in academia (but escaped the tenure track), and the cluelessness (one of my colleagues called it “learned helplessness”) is astounding. You probably can’t be away from your desk a lot, but you can go to the bathroom, make copies, walk something down the hall, put some paper in a mailbox, organize office supplies, fill the copier with paper, make a call or check voicemail or some other kind of change-the-scenery busywork when you see him coming. Alternately, don’t seem too efficient, so that you always seem to be knee deep in a project. That way when he approaches you can head him off with “What can I help you with?” and if he says nothing you can say, “Oh, good, I’m really swamped with… have a great day!” and you can turn back to that. Validate his existence, brush-off.
Also, if he’s often hanging around your desk, and he’s standing and you’re sitting, you might want to be sure he’s not a cleavage-peeper (you don’t have to be showing much for some of them to get their jollies). You shouldn’t have to deal with that, but a scarf can be a friend.
Learned helplessness is the most frustrating thing, especially when it’s exacerbated by other people in the department. Apparently, teaching professors how to use the scanner so they can scan their own readings if they want = terrible customer service?
A-fucking-men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to teach the same colleague (!) how to use basic PDF functions like “insert text box” and “remove pages”. There seems to be an assumption that if there’s a new technology we’re expected to use, it’s classified as Terrible and Unreasonable until proven otherwise.
Ahahaha. I am the Mistress of the Scantron Machine, and the learned helplessness is powerful. I have exactly one faculty member who genuinely wants to learn how to use it himself, and I will drop everything to come help that dude because he has made himself my favorite through the simple process of “write down what Elsajeni says and don’t bother her until AFTER the scantron machine has eaten one of your scantrons.”
I am now thankfully well-skilled in avoidance, and I have the grateful help of office-mates who will interrupt his “conversations” (he talks but dismisses anything I might say back) after about fifteen minutes and pull me away with a fake problem they need my help with.
It could all be way worse. But, it rankles. I wish I could respond to disrespect with some manner of “back off and go to hell” without losing my job in turn. It rankles even more so considering that our six professional development seminars for administrative staff last year all featured some talk of “customer service”, in which we gave examples of how to subordinate our regular work in the service of making other (angry, intrusive, demanding) people happy.
I need a new job.
I have some things I learned that weren’t on the list; I assume this is where I hand them back?
Perfection in a slideshow.
MALLORY
Thank you for reminding me that I’m not Morissey and also about the heart-sized humming ruby. I feel a bit better.
Also, great font choice. These are just really nice looking slides!
Is the not-Morrissey thing good just because Morrissey is so depressed all the time?
Because I <3 Morrisey and/or The Smiths. I would be sad if Mallory had a deep-seated hatred for them.
They are good looking slides! So many people have shit slides, that it’s refreshing.
I love this, end of speech.
*rapturous applause*
I love you, and I needed this today.
I really need one of those rubies
I have a few coworkers who could take PowerPoint construction tips from you.
Less is more definitely applies to PowerPoint. Although when I was in elementary school I did enjoy making all those ombre/multicolor slide backgrounds.
And the transition animation! ALL THE TRANSITION ANIMATIONS!
The problem I have is that I work with lawyers, who (a) are terrified of anything more complicated than putting text on a slide, and (b) by virtue of being lawyers, want to include all possible relevant information in any situation. So many massive walls of text.
So you’re telling me that my accidental diatribes could find a home if I were a lawyer, then? Got it. New life path in T-minus 10 years.
Oops, apparently diatribe is a bit more intense a word than I thought it was! Let’s go with “accidental theses”, then.
I, for one, am inspired and may cross stitch one or many of the things mentioned onto a pillow.
I have captioned that first all-art slide with “The Patriarchy is like a non-euclidian dinner party where you want to whack The Man in the head with a pitcher, but all you can actually do is refill his drink”
I hope that’s what I was supposed to have learned from that slide.
But the pitcher she’s refilling his glass from has arsenic in it? Right? RIGHT?
I hope so! Probably she’d be a much happier feminist if it did.
Can’t look too happy. Don’t want to give the game away. The lady on the left raising her glass is broadcasting “DRINK UP YOU FUCKER” just a bit too loud though. She needs to tone it down before he gets suspicious.
Wait, why haven’t we fixed California’s drought by all going and crying there?
I don’t know, but we’d really appreciate it if you’d get on it soon.
Wait, that isn’t why it suddenly rained 1.25 inches this weekend?
Salt water, no good, sadly.
SUCK AN EGG, PATRIARCHY
A ruby the size of a heart saying “no” would be a good image for a tote bag in The Toast shop
seconded
I am not finding the Toast shop. Does it exist?! If it doesn’t, why not?!
it is in the works! never fear!
“Anger is sometimes the most normal response a person can have to a damaging situation.” Thank you. Going to stitch that on a pillow and only slightly pointedly gift it to my generally lovely boyfriend who seems to get very concerned about me feeling upset on behalf of women’s situations I Can’t Do Anything About. It’s ok for me to be mad about these things. He doesn’t have to talk me out of it. I can just be mad. I will make the pillow and point to it as needed.
What is bewildering to me is that people seem to have a disconnect sometimes that you can be a survivor of something and have your reaction be anger. My abusive relationships made me MORE of a feminist, and I’m angry a lot (in a healthy way, I swear) about terrible things, and none of it is disconnected.
But survivors are supposed to be Inspirational and Approachable! If you’re not nice to everyone all the time, how will people understand that what happened to you was bad? /sarcasm
Yes, please, and then share the pattern for your lovely stitchery for interested parties?
Being responsible for other people’s emotional states is very much a thing that I deal with as a mom. We joke in our house that “if Mama ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy” but it’s also completely true, in that when I’m in a sour mood (think PMS and/or *very legitimate stressors* such as work and health issues) the whole house (i.e., husband and late-elementary-school-aged children) tends to come a little un-hinged. I struggle between “fuck it, they’re my emotions, I get to have them (even if I don’t like them) and I shouldn’t even have to have a reason” and “Woah, I set the emotional tenor for this house, that’s, like, this huge responsibility” with occasional swings into “I WILL NOT become my mother” territory.
Anyhow, I’d really love to hear how other Toasties (parents or not; partners or not) navigate these waters.
I’m in favor of setting a balance between wallowing and pulling yourself out of it, with a side portion of letting people know what’s up. I like to set a timer of sorts, like “Okay, you have the rest of this evening to wallow in your totally legitimate crankiness, and then when you get up tomorrow, you’re going to at least start the day on an even, not pissy keel.” And also telling my husband that I’m cranky because of reasons which are not him, and I just need a little wine and some downtime, and I’ll be back to my usual self shortly. I don’t know how well all of that goes over with kids and responsibilities you can’t take a break from, but it’s generally my approach.
Yes! That is my thing. Calling attention to it mentally, WALLOWING LIKE FULL WALLOW, and then moving tf on.
That sounds eminently sensible, and I agree with you on all points. And yet there are times when snapping out of it does not feel possible. And the resultant guilt just piles on to whatever had me down in the first place.
Maybe this is “learning to navigate my occasional depressive tendencies.”
Walking every day helps A LOT.
Yes! WRT navigating occasional depressive tendencies: two things have helped me so much in dealing with my own depression. First is Winston Churchill’s characterization of his own depression as his Black Dog — if you have a dog, you take care of it! You take it on walks and make sure it gets good food and has a comfy place to sleep!
And second is saying, “It’s a symptom, not a character flaw.” I’m struggling with the motivation to go get the mail? It’s not because I’m a ridiculous, lazy idiot who can’t even walk down the frickety-fracking stairs to unlock the mailbox, it’s because personal admin causes anxiety when I’m in a bad place with my depression. Just that alone can often be enough to make me go — “Oh right, this is my brain lying to me. I can do it, actually, and it’ll be fine.”
Oh. wow. This really resonates. Lately I’ve been noticing that depressive episodes appear to have a physical component – or maybe that’s what they are. I’ll notice that I’m cranky and I’m blue and I’m short tempered, and I feel really hard-done-by and fatigued, and my to-do list will just seem insurmountable, and YES the judgy interior monologue will start, and TWO DAYS LATER I’ll be like, Oh. I have a random weird virus. So I’ll treat it like a virus (rest, liquid, tlc) and poof! Pretty soon I’ll be back to cheerful, optimistic, get-things-done lady. I like that lady. Are you going to tell me I have to like both ladies?
And THANK YOU to everyone else who responded to my original post. I agree that talking about it is essential with kids and partners. I grew up in a “pout and expect mind-reading” household. No one yelled, but a well-aimed sigh could leave me frozen. So when my husband said “You have to tell me when you’re mad at me, and I promise to tell you when I’m mad at you.” it was a revelation! But you know what, it works! And I can say “are you mad at me right now?” and get a straight answer!!! And my whole family (including the kids) also now understands “I need some alone time right now.” !!!!! So I feel like we’re doing a lot of stuff right. But anyhow, thank you all for your perspectives.
Sorry to turn your really excellent speech post into a therapy session, Mallory. I guess that’s what you get for dragging “deep thoughts” into comedy, I mean sheesh. 😛
I wouldn’t say you have to LIKE both ladies, but it’s a good idea to care for both ladies! Sending you all the best wishes for managing it. It’s a process, but it’s worth it. 🙂
Thank you. Hugs to you.
Late to the party, but this just made me tear up with how true and kind it is to yourself. Remembering this.
Someone teach me how to be mad at the food I’m making or the frustrating project I’m taking on, without triggering an anxiety attack in my husband because I’m expressing anger out loud at an inanimate object.
Are we married to the same person? “Honey, I’m allowed to express hyperbolic irritation at the fact that I just burned a whole batch of caramelized onion, you do not have to shush or calm me, I’m the boss of my own emotions, if it bothers you, you have noise-canceling headphones.”
I’m the one in my household who freezes up in terror when the other person expresses anger at inanimate objects.
I grew up in a household where that was the best defense against that anger turning its focus to me. I don’t know how to change that. 🙁
You and I could probably not live together, then. When I am working on something frustrated, I might need to curse a blue streak at it for a few minutes and then calm down. But the good news is that if that bothers people, either I can remove myself to a quiet place or the other person can do so. It all winds up being okay.
Some cursing and muttering and maybe a frustrated growl is fine. Shouting, throwing things, banging on things, slamming doors: instant panic and freezing up like a prey animal.
It was only a couple of years ago (and I’m 36!) that I realized that I choose my romantic partners in part by how they deal with being angry. Because even when I logically know they’re not angry with me I react the same as if they were.
SAY IT. Say it out loud. This is the one thing my parents never did — their emotions absolutely controlled the emotional tone of the house, but they NEVER EVER said, “You know what? I had a balls day at work and I’m super grouchy and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m going to go angrily weed the garden for a half hour and then we can have sandwiches for dinner, k?”
I feel like I would have been 1000% less stressed out by emotions and it would have taken me so much less of my adult life to come to terms with “I am allowed to be sad or angry; no really” if my parents had *responded* consciously to those situations rather than *reacting* to them by being tetchy and making us feel like their moods were our fault. I realize now that things worked that way because my parents were raised by perfectly lovely but emotionally iPod-on-random, super-repressed Baby Boomers (I mean my mom’s mom had a disastrous first marriage THAT NO ONE EVER TALKED ABOUT and my mom’s dad had massive war-related trauma THAT HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT), but still.
I think taking responsibility, out loud, for your own emotions can be so helpful to kids. Even with PMS! One thing I have frequently told my teen girls (I’m a junior high/high school teacher) is that all people have hormone-related ups and downs, and that’s a feature, not a bug, and that those ups and downs are a great place to practice self-care AND getting on with life. How awesome to set that example of, “Mama’s uterus is trying to kill her right now, so she needs an extra glass of wine and some popcorn in front of the TV tonight. Also I’m a little short-tempered/weepy/anxious. That happens sometimes and it’s normal. But it’s not your fault and I’ll be more cheerful in a few days.”
Yes- tell them you are angry but it’s not their fault, and maybe model good Ragemonster Taming Skills?
(This comment was originally longer and more bitter, but just showing your kids that a) it’s not their fault, b) everyone gets angry and it’s totes OK, and c) it’s a good idea to find something to do with that anger so you’re not just walking around smouldering with it, those are all good things.)
1000 +1
We learned via therapy that it was essential to Kid2’s emotional development for us to express our own emotions in front of the kids (I mean, not in a raging or violent way, obviously – but to own them and name them and not bottle them.) We had to consciously go about the process of saying “I’m tense from sitting in an hour of rush-hour traffic right now, so I’m going to have to deal with my stress somehow before I can be settled and upbeat this evening.” or “I’m upset that you decided to keep playing after I gave you the five-minute warning for bedtime.” It made a huge difference to all of us to put the emotions on the table, and to use the “I feel” language.
In my partnership, my Other Person is v sensitive to my moods, but we have worked out words that help a lot. I say out loud “I love you, I am not leaving you, I am cranky.” Actually we have it down to just CRANKY these days, but we’ve been together for years and practice practice. For him, knowing I am feeling: upset, angry, despondent, tired, snarly, teeth-grinding-ly pissed off, frustrated with the tag on my shirt, you get the picture….feels both Catastrophic and AT HIM. His family stuffs all discord away in their attic, and about once a year the metaphorical house burns down. So he learned that emotions are fine fine fine DISASTER and fallout everywhere, for everyone. Using Our Words (hat tip to Captain Awkward) is esp helpful when I really am mad AT him. I need time to be ANGRY and think through my feelings before we can talk about it, and just saying “I’m furious leave me alone” combined with the history of trust gives us time and space to deal.
I think it can be helpful with kids particularly, to acknowledge you’re upset, explain it’s not their fault, and acknowledge that yep, grown ups are unhappy sometimes–it’s part of life. It feels really obvious to type this out, but sometimes people just need to hear the words.
How you cope and deal with your moods matters, too. I need time and solitude to process, some people need exercise, meditation, silly movies, rants with friends…my point is don’t direct your feelings at your family (you might not do this, I’m remembering my mom’s outbursts).
We are struggling with this right now; nobody here wants to be the Angel In The House and yet, just like you, our emotional tenor reflects through the family, so if we are cranky or irritable then everyone (especially our high-anxiety 6 year old) starts falling apart. But we just *cannot* be perfectly calm and happy and lovely all the time. Trying to articulate it and own it definitely helps, but it really is a challenge this week.
I wish I could re-re-tweet that tweet about the confidence of a 15-year-old that’s smoked pot twice without using effort to search for it.
Or more realistically, my potential new employer seeing it and me feeling like she needs to know me better before I make too many Internet jokes.
This is so my situation with Twitter. And that tweet, among many others by Mallory, are so good that it’s not enough to fave and retweet them. I just want them all in some coffee table book that I can look at when I need a laugh.
Mallory! Write a coffee table book of randomized best tweets please!
My first reaction was to go find it and link it, which I immediately realized is an impulse to perform cheerful, unpromted work for other people. Conditioned, no doubt, by the patriarchy.
Let’s break the cycle – maybe we could ask a man to go find it for us and then repay him with appreciation.
Bahaha. Yes.
I have been conditioned by the patriarchy, but also, library school.
LET ME GOOGLE THAT FOR YOU
Yes, to all of this! And reminds me uncomfortably of my old job at an unnamed coffee shop chain, where “Demand not just outward compliance but interior enthusiasm” and “performative happiness” were basic requirements of customer service. Always smile! Genuinely!
That’s my experience of all customer service jobs: BE HAPPY. ALWAYS.
I love the slide about anger. I mentor young women in my church and I have had WAY too many conversations about the fact that it’s okay to be angry. Anger is not a sin. It is not wrong or evil. You’re allowed to feel anger when you’ve been assaulted/demeaned/rejected from your #1 college choice. I promise you, it’s okay to be angry.
Oh man (or Oh woman?), bookmarking. LOVE.
This is so good.
First art slide:
Raoul–listen to me. Raoul. Stop it. Raoul, seriously.
I can play the mandolin ALL BY MYSELF.
Raoul
Second art slide:
I swear to god Raul you give me one more “backrub” because I’m “too tense” and those hands are fair fucking game.
You’re gonna find them in your bed, Raul. On your fucking pillow, I swear to god. Just you fucking try it.
I am cross stitching that first tweet.
Mallory, if feminism and God are both old dogs, how do I tell the difference between them?
IS THERE EVEN ONE?
Please advise.
Signed,
A Theology PhD Student
“I offer…intensive…private lessons”.
“Dude, the baby doesn’t need to hear this shit”.
I had to use my very best Women Listening To A Man At A Party face last night as a very important academic mansplained past the point of my question about women and lesbians and queer ladies and classical art. I like to think Her Nibs Mallory would have been proud.
I maaaaay have just made that “go suck an egg” slide into my new desktop wallpaper, because I need to be reminded of that from time to time (or always).
I am that person who confidently writes out logic-filled and polite rebuttal emails to people with requests that are silly and then cc’s her boss in case of overstepping. Then waits, in a state of mild concern, to be told I was right to tell ’em to suck the dang egg in the first place.
I go from “Ha! I’ll show ’em!” to “Maybe I should soften that some more?” to “OH GOD NO, I AM PROBABLY A TERRIBLE PERSON” in the time it takes to type 10 lines. I need to get over myself.
I was there and I loved all of this, especially the part where the older ladies next to me howled with laughter at women listening to me as performance art. I am the person whose friend got you to sign a ticket instead of a book, I wasn’t sure if you were allowed to sign tickets or just books, and also I didn’t want to jump the queue. Hi. It me.
I wish I could force a lot of people in my life to read and internalize this.
My awesome, feminist, beautiful, now-married-but-maiden-until-age-65 great aunt sends me pears every year, so obviously this is correct in every particular.
I mean, it was already, of course, but that was the part that brought the thrill of recognition.
I must take a picture of myself holding a pear now.
“it’s an old wooden chest filled with justifications for every uncharitable thing you’ve ever said to a friend”
Oh
I
I needed this
Mallory, I am both proud of you and envious of your life, and yet fully confident that you have earned all the good things in it, with your brains and talent. I am so glad you exist.
I was there! You were wonderful and hilarious and i think everyone in the room wanted to marry you. Thank you Mallory!
All of this is wonderful and thank you for it
Yes! WRT navigating occasional depressive tendencies: two things have helped me so much in dealing with my own depression. First is Winston Churchill's characterization of his own depression as his Black Dog — if you have a dog, you take care of it! You take it on walks and make sure it gets good food and has a comfy place to sleep!
And second is saying, "It's a symptom, not a character flaw." I'm struggling with the motivation to go get the mail? It's not because I'm a ridiculous, lazy idiot who can't even walk down the frickety-fracking stairs to unlock the mailbox, it's because personal admin causes anxiety when I'm in a bad place with my depression. Just that alone can often be enough to make me go — "Oh right, this is my brain lying to me. I can do it, actually, and it'll be fine."
Oh. wow. This really resonates. Lately I've been noticing that depressive episodes appear to have a physical component – or maybe that's what they are. I'll notice that I'm cranky and I'm blue and I'm short tempered, and I feel really hard-done-by and fatigued, and my to-do list will just seem insurmountable, and YES the judgy interior monologue will start, and TWO DAYS LATER I'll be like, Oh. I have a random weird virus. So I'll treat it like a virus (rest, liquid, tlc) and poof! Pretty soon I'll be back to cheerful, optimistic, get-things-done lady. I like that lady. Are you going to tell me I have to like both ladies?
And THANK YOU to everyone else who responded to my original post. I agree that talking about it is essential with kids and partners. I grew up in a "pout and expect mind-reading" household. No one yelled, but a well-aimed sigh could leave me frozen. So when my husband said "You have to tell me when you're mad at me, and I promise to tell you when I'm mad at you." it was a revelation! But you know what, it works! And I can say "are you mad at me right now?" and get a straight answer!!! And my whole family (including the kids) also now understands "I need some alone time right now." !!!!! So I feel like we're doing a lot of stuff right. But anyhow, thank you all for your perspectives.
Sorry to turn your really excellent speech post into a therapy session, Mallory. I guess that's what you get for dragging "deep thoughts" into comedy, I mean sheesh. 😛
I discovered the Toast about a month ago and have been an avid reader since then. This OUTSTANDING post got me off my butt enough to donate and also comment. Mallory, you are my hero!
I wouldn't say you have to LIKE both ladies, but it's a good idea to care for both ladies! Sending you all the best wishes for managing it. It's a process, but it's worth it. 🙂
Thank you. Hugs to you.
Mallory, you are my favorite writer. This presentation is amazing.
My workplace(financial advisory company) is insane.
We have signs reading ‘No Energy Vampires!’
A sign taped to the the cold grey walls outside the windowless accounting office reads,
“I’d rather choke on greatness than nibble on mediocrity”
They think I’m weird and they don’t like me because I’m not enthusiastic enough.
“America isn’t America anymore it’s….’Bonerland’.” Holy shit, that ep is a great metaphor. Good call!
For this I would tip the Toast $1,000,000. Good thing I don’t have it.