Hello Toasties!
Cheers from the utter craziness that is the baby-bubble. If anyone wants to talk about how it gets better, The Bartender is all ears. Or if there are new shows? New fun books? Tributes to George Martin? Fun dog stories?! Open thread like the wind!!
Any other Toasts headed to the Barbara Pym conference (a.k.a. Spinster Con) in Boston this weekend? It’s my first time and it’d be great to meet up with any other Toasty Pymians!
Ooh no, but I was so thrilled/disappointed to find out the week after the UK meeting that one even existed! I really hope I can go next year – hope you have a great time. I’m sure you will, I’m so jealous.
Thanks! I’m giving a paper, so I’m a little nervous, but I’m told it’s a friendly fandom.
I AM! Which paper are you giving, Reubenpantir? Did I meet you yesterday at the Church of the Advent? I loved The Pymnal, how about you?
I am not, in fact I had no idea that such a thing existed, but now I really, really wish that I was. Perhaps next year!
I did not know this was a thing–I think I love you.
Please pardon my enthusiasm.
Ah, I didn’t know such a thing existed either! And I love Barbara Pym so much! She is one of the authors who has entered into the everyday language of my family (chicken-feeding coat, anyone? The Declaration of Love in the British Museum?) My life is so much brighter knowing this is A Thing! I’m on the wrong coast for this–is it in Boston every year? I’m moving back east this summer and if it’s an annual event i will so.be.there next year.
ETA: I am Crampton Hodnet in some other internet places and no one has ever gotten it.
Yes–it’s every year in Boston (and there’s a bigger one in Oxford). According to this and this, it’s quite the event!
I had no idea! How wonderful.
Spinster Con is a great name.
LISTEN UP SUCKERS I GOT TO GO GET LUNCH GUESS WHERE I’M GOING
sheetz?
Sheetz is always the answer.
I have never been to Sheetz or Wawa, but I do enjoy this youtube show about Sheetz.
Oh I, too, greatly enjoy TIBAS!
I hope it’s Wawa.
wegman’s
Yesssssssss
You’re going to the only place where any of us can be seen for who we really are, the holy house of Wawa.
Are you going to Wawa? Because that’s where I’m going. 😀
Blimpies.
Most of you are terrible at guessing. The answer was Wawa, where I got a rad-ass motherfucking turkey sub for five dollars and their delicious new Cuban Roast coffee. Everyone back up with your Sheetz nonsense.
*construction machinery beep noises*
But WEGMANS
There is a Wegman’s near my house, but not near my office.
It is fine, there is a beer section and a section for fancy meats and cheeses, but we still do most of our shopping at Trader Joe’s.
Heathens.
Wawa english toffee coffee is the taste of my high school experience…I’d like to claim my palate has grown more sophisticated, but that would be a lie. Hope it was delicious!
Chipotle? Stay safe.
Hey there, Toasties! Long-time listener, first-time caller here (though I did make a dry run yesterday to make sure my IntenseDebate login worked). For quite a while now, I’ve been sort of halfway planning to eventually join in, probably, but what’s finally gotten me to take the plunge is the fact that I am in need of a new interview suit, and y’all seemed like the ideal people to ask for advice on where to get one.
I’m around a size 14. I’ve previously done some looking at Macy’s and Lane Bryant, and while they both had things in my size, the selection was fairly picked through, and it was hard to make a matching set. That may have been a fluke based on the particular location or time of year, though. (I WAS intrigued by the Toast endorsement for Express Editor pants, but given pause by the fact that apparently the only way to avoid visible panty lines in them is to wear a thong?)
Also, this might go without saying, but if any of you has a secret source for button-downs that don’t gap at the chest, I’ll love you forever.
J. Crew has lovely suits, sizing goes to 16! I have yet to find a pair of suit/dress pants that do not require a thong to avoid vpl- maybe because of my butt size? I’ll be watching this space for wisdom.
Thanks! Will any J. Crew location have them, do you think, or will I need to find one that specifically has the “Women’s Suiting” department? (According to their locator map, there are only like 7 of those in the United States, but I’m in LA, so two of them are actually within driving distance.)
I’m not actually sure! It’s possible though that even one that doesn’t have them in stock could get a few styles in for you to try- might be worth calling them up!
I’ve definitely mentioned this here multiple times before, so, sorry to anyone who’s getting tired of it — but if you have a Nordstrom, try their personal shopping service. You fill out a little thing ahead of time to tell them what you want, and when you get there your person has picked out a few things, you try them on, you talk about what works and doesn’t work, and then the person GOES BACK OUT TO GET NEW THINGS so you don’t even have to deal with going out onto the floor and looking at everything (which always totally overwhelms me, personally).
I did this to try to get out of a jeans-and-cardigan slump, and it was fairly successful. The woman in the room next to me was getting fully outfitted for a cocktail party — dress, jacket, shoes, jewelry, clutch. So they can do the whole spectrum. I suppose it’ll be hit or miss depending on whether you click with your person, but I had a really great experience.
Oooooh! I’d missed your earlier mentions of this, and it sounds really great!
OMG, that sounds like a fantastic idea, and I had not heard of this before. Thank you!
Even their regular sales people are pretty great. The last time I needed a suit they were having a big clearance sale and they dug through the racks to find the pants that went with the skirt and jacket I was trying on then sent me a thank you card a couple of weeks later.
I’ve had good luck at Banana Republic and Ann Taylor, especially the outlet stores of each of those. I’m not sure how they get around size 14 in terms of a decent fit, but they do carry it.
As far as a jacket and buttons, if you don’t want to tailor it [which may be costly], you might consider getting those little hooks & eyes [maybe even the skirt kind that are strong and flat] and sewing one or two right in the area that opens, safely inside the seam so it doesn’t show.
Yes I also came here to say a hook and eye will solve a myriad of gapping issues.
I sew in clear snaps. But I’ve mostly just given up on button down shirts (tiny shoulders, big boobs = impossible to fit).
I’ll look into those!
Yeah, I’ve considered the hook and eye / snap installation, but I’m pretty terrible at sewing things to other things in a way that looks not-terrible and actually stays. Wikihow or something would probably be able to help me, but I guess I’m trying to avoid picking up new skills or something.
OR if you’ve no time/skills for that, double-stick wardrobe tape is much lower-profile than a safety pin.
I second Ann Taylor, especially if you’re petite. The arms on the petite suit jackets are just the right length for me.
I found my interview suit at Macy’s too. But I rarely wear work pants (due to never finding any without the thong/VPL issue and always being too long or fitting weird, etc etc etc). BUT in case you are wondering, my suit is Calvin Klein and I really like the way it fits. (for reference, I’m size 12, hourglass/slightly pear shape).
For button downs, I like Banana Republic (they wash pretty well too). Their buttons always hit in the right spot so I don’t get gaps. HOWEVER I bought some shells (also CK) and have started wearing those instead of button downs. They convey professionalism but also remove my worry about gaping. I don’t know what your industry is like though. I know with some, it’s button down all the way (at least for interviews).
ETA: my suit is a skirt suit. I didn’t really state that before.
Yeah, what the heck? Are thongs an unofficial part of Professional Women’s Business Attire that I’ve never been told about? What is going on in trouser design?
Can I say here, I don’t get the fuss about VPL? Yes, you can see that I’m wearing underwear. Is that supposed to be a BAD thing? Generally, I’m pro-underwear.
I strongly suspect my work trousers show the lines of my knickers (thankfully, I do not have a full-length mirror at home, so can ignore my appearance quite a lot), but the thought of either a) buying better trousers or b) wearing a thong fills me with horror, so am just keeping on as I am. People probably know I’m wearing underwear anyway, right?
I only intend to buy a suit here soon, and have not actually tried, but: http://www.eloquii.com/suits
Their sizes start at 14, so I don’t know how well it will work for you. I can say that other clothes I’ve bought there run very true-to-size.
Also, you can buy button-downs by cup size (there are a few brands, according to Google), but that tends to be more expensive. I used to install snaps between buttons on the underside for shirts that just needed a little help, or to buy shirts big enough for my boobs and have them altered (uggggh expensive). But now I just don’t buy them–shells, thin sweaters, and other non-buttony shirts for under jackets (or not) are my jam.
Oh, those look so nice! Thank you!
In the picture for one of those blazers, the model is wearing what I’m guessing must be BUSINESS SHORTS. What a LOOK.
My ridiculously large breasts make front button shirts a no-go. However, I found a workaround I am enjoying. I wear the button shirt over a camisole and button only below my breasts. The camisole has zero lace and I shorten the spaghetti straps as much as possible. That puts the top of the camisole closer to my neck, covering any possible cleavage. I like this look.
Yeah! I normally opt for that when I do wear a button-down (which is very rarely, as I only have like two of them to begin with and I usually discover they’ve somehow magically gotten too wrinkly to wear any time I do decide I want to wear one?? ).
I buy my button-downs at Uniqlo! But my boobs are pretty small and not much of a problem to begin with, so idk.
Yeah, I love Uniqlo’s stuff, but last time I was there it seemed like I’d… pretty much outgrown their non-outerwear selection. 🙁
ETA: Just to clarify, I’m referring to PHYSICAL growth, not… mental? Emotional? I’m not sure what it would mean to have evolved beyond Uniqlo.
I can never fit in their shirts (broad shoulders, long arms and torso) BUT they make underwear that is my saving grace for tight pants/professional trousers situations. http://www.uniqlo.com/us/product/women-hiphugger-…
The elasticized lace at the waist and leg openings of these bad boys is thin enough that it doesn’t show through the fabric of even the scantiest or tightest pants!
I just rocked an interview in a dress and blazer, so if dresses are your thing, that’s another option. I was on the fence about the blazer but the dress was pretty sassy so I felt like they balanced out between “I am artsy and fun” and “I am a professional who can organize things.”
That’s a great idea too, and I do love dresses (even though I’m usually not super into skirts, which maybe is weird?).
I am a big fan of the dress + blazer combo. It can be fun and artsy or conservative and professional– when I was working for the government early in my career, a sheath dress made of suiting fabric + matching blazer was my favorite thing to wear for big meetings, because I often got mistaken for an intern otherwise– but interns don’t tend to wear Power Dresses.
I have a friend that swears by using tape velcro strips. Very subtle and super helpful.
Does she have to sew them in at all, or do they just stick on?
They just stick on! If you google velcro tape strips, you should be able to find them. They range in price and I’m not sure which brand she likes, though we’re in Minnesota so it’s probably some variant of 3M.
Nice!! Thanks much!
I’m a size 14 suit wearer! But be warned: I almost exclusively wear skirts. I just like them better.
I find that different brands fit really differently, and you have to kind of experiment for a while to see what works.
For example: I’m a tallish and long-torsoed (5’9″) suit wearer, and many lower-end and mid-range suits do not fit me at all (I’m looking at you Banana Republic). I hate putting something on and finding it thinks your butt should be much closer to your shoulders than it actually is. It suuuuuucks, but trying on a bunch of things and seeing how they fit you may give you lots of perspective. Suits are really all about fit.
My holy grail for suits are Hugo Boss and Lafayette 148, which I get at Nordstrom, but those are $$$ – like once a year or every two years do I splash out. I have had good success with Anne Klein, and have a quite nice pantsuit that I do actually wear despite it being pants. Another option I like that is not as pricey is Tahari, which you can find at Macys and Nordstrom I think.
I never wear button downs. It’s not worth it. The gapping, the creasing, the cleaning. I actually favour dress suits more than anything else. I like their versatility and the ease of getting dressed – two pieces, some tights, and you’re done! Plus they never pinch you in the middle. And you take the jacket off and look kind of cocktail appropriate, and put the jacket on and boom you’re in court/interview/wherever you wear suits. ETA: Also, if you have a nice jacket, probably in black, it can go over lots of dresses in colours or what have you. I have worn a black Hugo Boss jacket over an indigo Tahari dress to an interview, and I got an offer, so, it was ok!
Also, honestly, a t-shirt from H&M looks totally professional under a decent suit, is cheaper and much easier to wear. Boat necks avoid the cleav problem. I have totally worn $7 black tshirts from Costco under nice suits to court and looked just fine.
Finally, re: thongs: shorter jackets have been in vogue for a while, but I actually think longer jackets are coming back and are lots better on taller and more full-bodied women and bonus, they cover your butt! And make you look More Serious, IMO.
Also, don’t be afraid to tailor something! Don’t buy anything at all too small. Buy something a bit bigger and take the waist in, move the button, etc, and it will look way better.
Blah blah blah suits! AMA.
Um, I feel like until today, I may literally not have known that dress suits were a thing? But they sound like the perfect solution to probably every major problem in life (mine, possibly everyone’s)?
There are button downs made for women with large boobs, but they are so expensive. I asked for one for the Christmas before I graduated college and knew I’d be doing interviews- I’d tried on button down shirts at literally every store in the mall and realize that none of them even came close to containing my chest without going three sizes up.
Stores like Carissa Rose (I bought mine here because US shipping), Pepperberry (UK based), and BiuBiu (in Poland) sell button down shirts specifically made for women with proportionally big boobs. For each waist size, they have multiple boob sizes so you can get something that is one size for your chest and another for your boobs. They are pretty expensive though.
Thank you! Even if my idle daydream of buying something off the rack that is relatively inexpensive and requires no customization will probably never come true, I’m glad to learn that such things do exist (and specifically where they can be found).
My last three work suits have been Calvin Klein.
I’m a size 12-14 usually, and wear a 36 DDD bra.
But mostly I am hear the share the Good News of the Gospel of Double Sided Tape, my Sister.
Up here in the North, I think Shoppers usually has it, or sometimes in lingerie stores, my current roll says: “Braza Flash Tape” – body/clothing tape, and it is fucking magic, let me tell you.
Double-sided tape! Whenever I see it in stores, I think, “Oh, I should pick some of that up, probably? It seems really useful?” But then, in the moment, I’m unable to think of what I’d actually need it for (though it deeply horrified my preteen self, the possibility that someone, somewhere might notice that a bra strap exists no longer seems like such a compelling reason).
Yes! Dress tape. I ordered Topstick from Amazon, which is meant for toupees but is amazing for clothes.
I use safety pins to pin button-down shirts closed from the inside.
Yeah, you can go halfway through the top layer of the placket so it doesn’t show on the outside. This has worked pretty well for me. I just leave the pins in all the time (this was cheap, crappy Old Navy button-downs, though, so I wasn’t too put out if they eventually rusted in the wash)
Quilting safety pins don’t rust. Ask at the fabric store.
I like Foxcroft (available at better department stores) for woman-shaped blouses. You are definitely in their size range.
I’d never heard of them, but now I’ll be on the lookout. Thanks!
So, at the risk of sounding elitist and snobby, I am going to suggest Brooks Brothers if you are in an area where that’s in any way possible. They generally carry through a 16. I’m 6′ tall with really stupid body proportions (36″ inseam! short torso! Boobs–like, seriously, I order my bras from England because American bra manufacturers do not have their shit together and do not understand that you can have a perfectly normal band size and need massive cups! I generally wear a 12 or 14 bottom and a 16 or 18 top (due to boobs) and do not wear button-downs. Brooks Brothers tailoring is amazing–they essentially took a blazer that fit perfectly everywhere except my boobs and somehow magically transformed it into the best-fitting piece of clothing I have ever owned. It was spendy, yes, but if you can afford the up-front cost and get something in a classic style it will literally last forever. I bought my 1st BB suit in 2000 and still wear it often.
Oh, that sounds incredible. There IS one I could get to pretty easily; I’ll definitely give them a try if the Perfect Yet Fairly Inexpensive Thing proves elusive!
Have you tried Loft? They have good blazers and dress pants and pretty good sales. No solution to the button-down problem, though!
I have not! I’ll add them to the list!
Am I the only one who never bothered to care very much about panty lines? Like, I wear underwear and I’m pretty OK with people knowing that. And I’m sure as shit not wearing a thong, so…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If you don’t mind closing them FOREVER, you can use Stitch Witchery or some other kind of fuse tape. I have some casual button-down tops that fit otherwise, but I just can’t keep the gap closed, so I fused the two spaces that tend to gap and just pull the shirts on over my head.
I’m a size 10 with 34DDs, and I’ve had good luck with New York and Company for button-downs (also sheath dresses!) They go up to size 20, so you’d probably be looking for a L or XL in shirts.
GOOD MORNING SLEEPY DOG THREAD
Sleepy dog. And cat.
You’d think they’d unfurl a bit now that it’s warming up, but no. 
Cloe is quite happy to remain inside and sedentary.
That first pic is deadly with cute.
She is not allowed to be on the sofa, but by the time I noticed it the cute overcame any annoyance.
she tried so very hard to be as small as possible so as to escape detection. ‘A’ for effort, cloe.
It took me a while to figure out if that was one Chloe curled up in a ball in the first picture, or one Chloe plus an additional cat curled up in the ball with her.
There is now a mini-Minie in Berlin and the original maxi-Minie is a little bit worried about the competition:
Your dog is in a perfect circle! And it’s like the cat was guarding her but fell asleep!
Man, I love dogs that get into circles! When our dog does it, we call him (unoriginally) “Circle Dog”. Then I ask him if he can do any other shapes, and he gives me Circle Side-Eye.
Keaton, after wrestling a possum and getting horribly stinky:
Possum crimes = bath times:
Hello, good morning, did you say you wanted to see dogs?
Your shelter dog posts give me life!
Recipe thread! What’s everyone cooking this weekend?
I’m currently hunting for fun salad ideas: I have to bring some for a large potluck tomorrow, and was thinking one with a green leafy base & one with a grain base (like quinoa). Any favourite salad ideas out there?
kale salad! This recipe is legendary in my circles, it gets even the most anti-kale person singing its praises:
Kale Salad
2 cloves garlic
3 – 4 tablespoons Bragg’s Seasoning (soy sauce in a pinch)
3 table spoons tahini paste
2 table spoons nutritional yeast
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
3 table spoons lemon juice
Blend all well in a magic bullet or something and pour over raw bite sized kale – use your hands and message it into the kale, as this helps the raw kale lose its bitterness. Make enough for a big head of kale.
This sounds lovely! Pitching in to add – throw some roasted chickpeas on top, or some homemade garlicky croutons. My fave easy healthy-ish weeknight dinner!
Oh or toasted sunflower seeds I bet would be dynamite.
Oh my god I just turned into Lynn Rosetto Casper there for a second.
We should all be so lucky as to be Lynn Rosetto Casper for even a second.
That sounds a bit similar to this potato, kale and tahini salad, which I love: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Wilt…
I like emmer/farro for my grain salads (but it’s gluteny, if that’s a thing you’re trying to avoid). I like it with shallot, sauteed chard (leaves and stems both; chop the stems pretty finely and put them in the pan first), goat cheese, and a lemony vinaigrette.
i try to avoid grains, but i’m a sucker for a farro salad with all kinds of things + chopped greens + a fruit + parmesan. yum!
Turkish bulgur salad (kısır)! Easy to make in a large batch, always a crowd-pleaser. Hope your potluck goes well.
i’m going to make a big tray of zucchini lasagna with lots of sautéed chard in the ricotta. it’s going to rain this afternoon, so i’m timing it for right then since i work from home today.
My mom swears by this curried couscous salad! http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/curried-couscous-…
Ingredients
SALAD:
1 1/2 cups uncooked couscous (about 1 [10-ounce] box)
1 cup dried cranberries (about 4 ounces)
1 cup frozen green peas, thawed
1/2 teaspoon curry powder
2 cups boiling water
1/4 cup thinly sliced green onions
1/4 cup finely chopped fresh basil
1 (15 1/2-ounce) can chickpeas (garbanzo beans), rinsed and drained
DRESSING:
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon grated orange rind
2 tablespoons water
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon thawed orange juice concentrate
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
4 garlic cloves, crushed
Preparation
To prepare salad, combine first 4 ingredients in a large bowl. Pour 2 cups boiling water over the couscous mixture; cover and let stand 5 minutes. Fluff with a fork; cool. Stir in onions, basil, and chickpeas.
To prepare dressing, combine lemon juice and the remaining ingredients in a jar; cover tightly, and shake vigorously. Pour over couscous mixture, and toss well to combine. Cover and chill for 1 hour.
It’s funky in the flavor department, in a great way. Lots of stuff happening.
VEGETARIAN BOTTARGA. you heard that right!
(I may not get to it this weekend because I need to borrow a friend’s grill for the smoking part (rather than burn down my apartment) but if not this weekend, then the next!)
Mixed greens, toasted walnuts, and goat cheese! Top with pears sliced up, coated lightly with sugar, and simmered in a bit of butter until browned and soft and perfect. I made this for my birthday potluck and it was well received!
I will chime in with my cooking from last weekend. My SO and I made pork wonton soup from Toastie Pear’s blog and it was so good! Pear, not sure if you’re reading this open thread, but you have new fans!
Recipe here: http://pearnuallak.com/food/2015/04/24/pork-wonto…
Two giant pans of black bean enchiladas (I use a Wegmans recipe, which calls for one of their soups, which I think is the key, because I’ve tried replicating said soup and it just….doesn’t work). Man they are good, and I found some Goya corn tortillas hiding in the Goya section away from the rest of the tortillas, and found also that they are the cheapest in the store and ALSO that I like them the best, so win!
I finally made this Mark Bittman recipe for Roast Chicken with Cumin, Honey and Orange and it was *everything*. Recipe is simple, I made approx. twice the glaze, but the cooking time (1 hour) is laughably optimistic. http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/7029-roast-chi…
I followed one commenter’s suggestion and coarsely chopped some carrots, onions, and fennel and put them under the rack inside my roasting pan and, while they were delicious, they were definitely on the charred side by the time two hours at 400 degrees was done with them. If I did it again I would add them under the chicken about halfway through.
Recipe in full below if you can’t follow the link.
INGREDIENTS
½ cup freshly squeezed orange juice
½ cup honey
1 tablespoon ground cumin
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 3-pound chicken, giblets and excess fat removed
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Use a nonstick roasting pan, or line a roasting pan with a double layer of aluminum foil. Combine orange juice, honey, cumin, salt and pepper in bowl, and whisk until smooth. Place chicken in pan, and spoon all but 1/4 cup of liquid over all of it.
Place chicken in oven, legs first, and roast for 10 minutes. Spoon accumulated juices back over chicken, reverse pan back to front, and return to oven. Repeat four times, basting every 10 minutes and switching pan position each time. If chicken browns too quickly, lower heat a bit. If juices dry up, use reserved liquid and 1 or 2 tablespoons of water or orange juice.
After 50 minutes of roasting, insert an instant-read thermometer into a thigh; when it reads 155 to 165 degrees, remove chicken from oven, and baste one final time. Let rest 5 minutes before serving.
Oh, wow, yum.
Samosa pie!!! http://foodess.com/recipes/samosa-pie/
I use crescent rolls for the crust and I added some leftover asparagus to the filling. A++, very delicious.
I read “samosa pia!” and went strait to the recipe thinking it involved those Girl Scout cookies. What I got was a pleasant surprise.
The farro salad in this article is one of my favorites (and it is a big excuse to eat avocado and feta). We don’t bother with the beet greens and just go all-kale. The dressing, especially, is awesome and I put it on every salad I can.
And I’m presently eating this other farro salad with roasted red bell peppers and cucumbers and sundried tomatoes and yet more feta, and it is also excellent!
(crossing fingers that my html links work, ugh it’s been a while since I’ve done this)
Speaking of farro and feta, absolutely try this. Sub any nut for the hazelnuts if they are expensive and/or hard to find, and just about any root vegetable works for the rutabaga (I like it very well with beets). When it comes down to it, just use the farro/feta/dressing combo and add anything else into that. So good!
Ooh, I will definitely try that, probably with beets as that sounds great. I have never tried rutabaga!
While we are talking about farro salads, this one from smitten kitchen is my favorite! If you can’t get harissa, you can substitute any your favorite chile sauce.
http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2012/11/smitte…
Arthur Street Kitchen/Hetty McKinnon’s book Community is the BEST for salads! there are some on her blog too http://www.arthurstreetkitchen.com/blog/
I’ve been eating this one a lot, though with almonds subbed for pecans due to my partner’s allergy. It’s pretty addictive!
http://heatherchristo.com/2013/10/06/7045/ THISSSSSSS
I do a simpler version that’s just a huge bed of arugula, roasted pumpkin/butternut squash, black lentils, and a bacon/red onion vinaigrette.
Damn, I’m now thinking I’m going to have to make that this weekend.
I’m making an anti-salad: blini! A comforting layer of lipids to carry me into the spring, although I will not follow the pancakes with a six-week vegan fast, no I will not.
Currently cooking a green chile beef and barley soup
It was serviceable. not great but too simple to turn out actually bad.
My favorite thing in the entire world is a sweet and savory salad – something like quinoa, apples or pears, goat, blue, or feta cheese, glazed pecans, and vinaigrette?
I think I am too late to make recommendations, but I made roasted yams and chickpeas with yogurt (http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2016/02/roasted-yams-and-chickpeas-with-yogurt/), carrot salad with harissa, feta and mint (http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/05/carrot-salad-with-harissa-feta-and-mint/) and beef chili (http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/09/beef-chili-sour-cream-and-cheddar-biscuits/). All Smitten Kitchen because I’m mildly obsessed right now.
In the future, I recommend the carrot salad- it’s also a great leftover, the flavors get better in the fridge.
I got to delete my first abusive comment on my blog this week! It was a thrilling moment. (But who has strong enough opinions on YA Historical fiction to post “This is why millennial women can’t get jobs….learn math!” That seems like strange use of effort.)
If there’s one thing men are better than women at, it’s expending tons of energy on virulent opinions about shit that isn’t very important.
LOLOLOLOL
That reminds me of this guy I knew in college who would every once in a while ask me why in the world I had chosen to be an English major. “You should study science! We need scientists in the world. You’re smart, so you should be a scientist.” He never got more specific than that.
I have friend I went to grad school in physics with. She was good at science growing up, so she was always pushed to do it because more women in science is good, of course. But the pressure of Representing All Womenkind in science got to much so she dropped out. She went back after a year, because she really did like it, and now wanted to do it because she wanted to, now because she should.
Yes, more women in STEM is good. Pushing them to be in it is bad too.
Hahahaha whattt
The irony is that he’s probably unemployed and sitting at home in the middle of the afternoon reading the story in a bathrobe.
Please tell me someone has written about a future dystopia in which people may only ever study STEM fields and never any humanities or soft sciences.
Oryx & Crake?
Millennial women can’t get jobs because … we’re interested in YA historical fiction? We write blogs? Or did you make some sort of mathematical error in a post which so infurated him that he had to jump in and offer his opinion?
NYC Toasties, if you’re interested in having a drink with me and the Burgomaster this Wednesday, March 16, we’ll be at St. Andrews at 7pm. A million thanks to ginkotree and jwhittz for sending me suggestions and basically holding my hand through the plan-making. The Burgomaster and I look like this, although I will be wearing significantly less makeup (sorry, it’s the only pic I have of both of us on this computer and I forgot to grab a different one from the home laptop).
And for any fellow dueSouth fans, Happy March 11! I posted a special March 11 dS collection on my Tumblr today.
That is some fire emoji eye makeup though.
Thanks! I la-la-la-love outrageous eye makeup but will probably not even wear mascara that day because Hamilton.
omg I almost forgot about dueSouthDay – I haven’t really been around on Tumblr a lot these days for life reasons but I miss the virtual bar a lot!
That’s a great picture of you two, it looks somehow both staged and natural in a very good way. Have fun in New York!
Whee! It’s a selfie from a NYE party we threw a couple years ago. Thank you!
I already reblogged it but thank you for posting the greatest due South vid in the world, I will walk around happily humming Paul Simon all day.
I have a lot of feelings about talking dueSouth in a Toast-y Open Thread
Party!
zomg I wish I could goooooooo!!! Consider me totally in but way too far away to make it happen. Have lots of Toastie fun.
I yipped with happiness at that gif. You are a glorious being. May your reign be long and prosperous.
THAT’S IT I’m moving in with the Toast Commentariat, permanently. Everybody come live on my sofa. Due South was a huge part of my early teenage years, and I’m forever astonished that people apart from me and my mom even know of this show.
Also I love your eyeshadow, so don’t you go walking around without it. It’s lovely.
Sorry, now I need to go and listen to Love and Carnage again.
There’s a decent dS fanbase on Tumblr if you ever want to join us over there! I love that show so much and the current fandom is great.
we will, obviously, ride forever*. I love that show to pieces, it’s probably my all-time favourite. The tumblr fandom is lovely.
*forever, meaning “slightly embarrassed at Paul Gross’ singing”
Do I follow you on Tumblr? I’ve been unfollowing people because I don’t have the energy (or time) to keep up with my dash these days when half of it’s not fandoms I’m in (anymore), but I feel like a dS Toastie is probably someone I wanna be mutuals with.
you do, actually 🙂 – I’m radiantsquid over there. wheeee!
OH HAI!
Excuse me, but Paul Gross sings like an angel, obviously. An angel with a hat.
okay can’t argue. “musical choices”? *cough* voodoo *cough*
Oh, yeah, that one. Erm. I was too young/not far enough advanced in my English to properly understand the lyrics and/or cultural implications…? No, you’re right, it was a terrible idea on his part.
I’m afraid of Tumblr. I don’t understand its mechanisms, and I’m trying to spend less time online instead of more…
Oh gosh, stay far, far away from Tumblr, then!
Exactly. I’m happy staying at the Toast, where apparently, everybody loves what I love anyway. What else do I need? (Well…. obviously I’m going to need some fic recs…)
Ahhhh! Well, my pal Deputychairman is the best new writer we’ve got in the fandom right now, IMO. She’s the bomb. Check out her stuff and let me know if you want others!
yes deputy is the best! Also, for the older Fraser/RayK stuff, refer to green grrl’s rec list (she’s got some gen and RayV stuff, but far and few in between…)
Thank you both so much! My weekend reading is saved!
Oh right! You’re on Tumblr, so you already know Deputy, and probably most of the newer stuff. D’you want some old-timey recs, then? If so, what’re your parameters (ships, ratings, squicks, etc.)?
Edit…wait, I got your comments and swordsnspindles comments confused. GOD never mind. Lordy do I need a vacation. BUT YA KNOW if you want some old recs, just holler! =D
I’m up for all the recs anyway! As for parameters, I’m not too picky, I guess. I don’t do deathfic, sexualised violence of any kind, or cannibalism. Fluff is comforting and welcome.
Toasties, what are you proud of yourself for achieving recently, big or small*?
I put in an application for a role I’d actually be pretty excited to take on, but not holding my breath because they will probably be flooded with applications. There are so few part time jobs available in my field (actually pretty few of any kind of job available) and I’ve decided against pursuing full time work right now. This is partly for mental health reasons, but mostly because I got in to do a part time MA!
It’s taken a long long time and a lot of hard work to get to this stage, and I feel proud of myself for the first time in so so long.
I also cleaned my bedroom and even though it’s already messy again, at least I know there’s no dust lurking on my bookshelves anymore.
*there are no small achievements. You’re all awesome in everything you’re doing.
I found out this morning that I got the raise I asked for at my last performance evaluation! It’s not huge but it’ll make a real difference.
Yay raises!!
Yay! that’s awesome. And also awesome that you asked for it.
Even just asking for a raise is a huge accomplishment! This is amaaaazing!
I am new in a strange city and in the nearly three months I’ve been here, I feel that I’m doing a pretty good job of meeting people and socializing.
That’s a great achievement, especially since it’s pretty daunting meeting new people even when you’re in a familiar space. I hope you’re having fun with it!
Thank you! I am. I do have days where I get frustrated and think, “Why can’t I my own social circle now!” but I’m optimistic for the most part.
I just tried to do that dance by myself in my living room and if ever I needed convincing that I am not a dancer this was it.
I am proud of myself for successfully standing up for workers’ rights!
Full story: I work at a company that makes online training courses. One of our clients contacted us, saying that they wanted us to “de-emphasize” a part in our ethics course (LOL) that says employees have the right to discuss their salaries with one another.
While this is not technically illegal (it’s not actively discouraging the discussion of wages – it’s “just” keeping employees ignorant of their rights), I wrote a very long email to my boss saying that this was ethically wrong and is not the sort of action our company should take. And he agreed with me! So I got to say “no, FU” to the client. (Except more politely.)
That’s fantastic! Well done!
Yesss! That’s great, and I hope all their employees discuss their wages with one another and advocate for being paid what they deserve!!
I made alllll my appointments this week (dermatologist, dentist, eye doctor, regular doctor) which isn’t a huge deal but I had been procrastinating on it for SO LONG that I feel mildly to moderately accomplished.
Such a huge accomplishment!
Definitely an accomplishment! Making appointments is such a chore, especially when they can only give you awkward hours.
Oh shit, now I remember what I was supposed to do this afternoon… Monday it is.
Making the appointment is the hardest part. I want to start a service where you appointment-share: you make someone else’s appointment for them and they do yours. Somehow it seems easier when it’s not you.
My dentists office actually texted me with a “this is our next open appointment, call us if you want it” and it was a perfect time for me, so I did, and it was awesome. I also received an email with 3-4 other upcoming openings. It was so very civilized. I love my dentist.
This is a big deal! I put that kind of stuff off hardcore.
No, it is a huge deal and you kicked its butt. Good job!
I haven’t quite finished, but I’m finally getting around to ripping out the nasty carpet on my basement steps. It’s a 100+ year old root cellar with sandstone walls and is completely unfinished and wet all the time, who the hell thought carpet was a good idea!? It will be so nice when it’s done and I can just dust the steps when they need cleaned.
Hahaha, good luck! It will feel so good once you’re rid of that damp gross carpet!
I went to a job interview yesterday, did not die (in fact did well with “excellent follow up questions and a fantastic cover letter”), and am currently self-talking the hell out of my jerkbrain about it. This is so hard for me and in less than 24 hours I went from the typical horrible anxiety attack to “if the thing that worries me is a dealbreaker, I would not be a good fit anyway”.
I also got over myself and signed up for a “Unitarian Universalisk for noobs” class at the local UU Church. I’ve identified as an atheist for a while so it feels so weird, but it seems like a lovely community and my husband and I need that. He’s actually excited too.
Eta: and hayyyy go you!
That’s amazing!! Tell your jerk brain to shut up from me cos it sounds like you did excellently, and not dying of anxiety is a huge achievement regardless of whether you get (or want!) the job.
I hope the class is interesting and fruitful for you and your husband 🙂
Well done you!
I turned the compost, and I made an eye doctor appointment.
Thanks!
Hooray for compost and eye doctors.
I survived my first big-deal job interview this week (I’m in my late 20s but I’ve been in grad school forever so all my interviews have been for part-time employment/etc). AND it was for my dream job, and I was being interviewed by fantastically smart people, and I held my shit mostly together. Not really holding my breath that I’ll get this job, but I made it through and they liked me enough to make me a final candidate, which makes me feel good about future job-search endeavors.
Yay!! Here’s to holding it together in intimidating interviews.
Go Fox! You’re doing a MA! And applied for something you want! And dusted! I am exhausted just thinking about all of that.
Perhaps you can come to my house and be firm-but-encouraging to get me to do the dusting?
Thank you!!!
I mean, it’s been about 5 months since I last dusted so maybe I’m not the best person for that job!
I had a bunch of moments this week where I genuinely thought “fuck that guy” re: my ex-boyfriend, instead of like, “I miss him so much, come baaackkk.” I wish I could fast forward and get to the point where my Current Way of Being is Recently Heartbroken. It’s been 3 months now since the breakup, and it’s exhausting and boring to still miss him.
My other accomplishment is my pottery class is going really well! I made a buncha bowls and mugs this week and I am so excited to gift them to my friends and fam.
Making pottery is the best! Enjoy it!!
I 100% know that feeling, and it feels so so good once the ‘fuck that guy’ moments start trickling in. Missing someone is draining, so take care of yourself.
I finished a third draft of my dissertation prospectus, which ended up being almost a total rewrite, and sent it to my advisor. And I’m really proud of what I wrote, which is not always the case with my research/writing.
I went on a 2nd interview and I killed it. I’m going to be really disappointed if I don’t get this job, but until that happens I’m going to pretend like it’s a done deal and ride this confidence wave.
I have gone somewhere other than home or work every day this week. I forgot how much that helps me to feel like an actual adult person instead of a sloth that just migrates back and forth between two points; I’d been thinking about pinching my budget to try to move somewhere closer to civilization, and then I realized I could just go to the library after work and get the same effect. Genius!
I mean. I probably am just going home after work tonight, but that’s because a) I’m saving money to go out with friends next weekend, so no eating out for me, and b) I work the 11-to-7 shift today and I’m starving by the time I get off work, so food. But I’m either going to a meetup or a library thing tomorrow night, so.
Zootopia really got my creative juices flowing, so I learned how to use a 3d sculpting program and made this model of an arctic fox this week.
that’s crazy cool!
Awesome!!!
Big achievement: I got into my number one pick grad school. I also got into my number two pick grad school.
Small achievement: I cleaned my room and actually put away my clean laundry this week. Also, my team won twice at trivia!
well done! (on everything.)
I just got rid of a whole bookshelf of books (getting rid of books! I know, I know) BUT they are all academic books from my doctorate that mostly just enraged me to look at. So I consolidated down to one bookshelf that only holds a chronological survey of basic survey books, some special and somewhat rare books related to my dissertation, and the authors/texts that were most important to my scholarly perspective. I’m not an academic anymore and don’t need them, so now I can just look upon the now beautifully arranged and curated section. Bonus! With the newly liberated bookshelf, I can now store all my books in one room!
Congratulations! Getting rid of books is hard, and I think realising that they were enraging you and giving them their due reward is excellent.
That is such a good way of thinking about it! It definitely helped to finally realize that they were not helping anybody by sitting on my shelves unopened, but now they can move on to someone who will read them again.
congrats on your achievements, and your excellent choice of dance-y GIF!
+ I donated blood on Wednesday! I want to do this on a regular basis, but I get squeamish and wigged out about the needles, so I usually talk myself out of making the appointment and going. But this week I did it!
+ My husband and I went to the bank to get pre-approved for a mortgage, and set up our first meeting with a real estate agent, thereby finally starting our house hunt after planning and saving for it for years!
+ I invited a friend out for an after-work beer, which is a big deal to me because of my debilitating shyness, which I have been slowly chipping away at for the last year!
Thank you for donating blood!
After realising that having to rush in the mornings is spiking my daughter’s anxiety enormously, we have managed 2 good leisurely mornings out of 3! This is hard with 2 kids and an occasionally spaced-out reading-Facebook co-parent and our own inclination to stay in bed as long as possible, so I am super proud of us.
It me!
Right on, woman. Keep going.
Thanks!
That’s great, and excellent parenting from you. I feel you on wanting to stay in bed as long as possible though… she types from her bed.
I learned an alternative to “hold her and cuddle her until she stops kicking you and eventually quietens” as a way to calm the two year old I look after! At last! Probably it will be better for both she and I 🙂
Two year olds, man. Yeesh. Best of luck to you, and good work being flexible and taking her cues to find alternatives.
I got a haircut, which I always procrastinate on because I flat-iron my hair and am judged, lectured and condescended to by every stylist I go to. And this time, the second my hair got wet my stylist said, ‘Oh! I can see why you straighten it!’
I left her a giant tip and my disgusting split ends are gone. Hooray for confronting fears!
I’m proud of myself for sticking with this writing thing – I’m privileged as hell that I get to write full time now and wait a while before I need to earn real cash from novels (or an alternate career), but I’m prone to fear-stasis, so the fact that I’ve pushed along for a couple of years now and gotten several out there builds a bunker of joy and pride for me to hole up in while I write more.
Gogogoooooo! You can do this! I am so excited for you!
A colleague publicly said of me that I am a “stalwart engineer.” Probably one of the nicest professional compliments I’ve ever received given that my impostor syndrome tells me I am a flaky flibbertigibbet.
Yay!!! And excellent use of ‘stalwart’ from your colleague
what a nice thread!
I am proud of myself for successfully scheduling a dentist’s appointment that my new insurance plan will actually cover, after much gnashing of teeth and voicemail dead ends and confusing insurance rules. It is at the local dental school which I’ve never done before so this could be interesting.
And I am just barely surviving spring pollen season. but have not expired or exploded my sinuses yet. dear god.
Even though I’ve been a freelancing for a while, I’m still proud when I stand up for myself in little ways. Like letting a client know today that if she wants to set up another meeting, that will cost extra like it said in the proposal. I always find saying that stuff a bit awkward, even though it’s reasonable, so I’ll go ahead and pat myself on the back for it today.
That stuff is challenging for me as well. I am really happy for you.
Cleaning is so proudful-making. What’s up with that? I hate that I feel so good about it but I so do. I have a two year old, so I always feel really like I have created a fantastic matriarchal empire or cured cancer just when I manage to get all her toys and detritus up (needed every night) even just a couple of nights in a row.
Part time MA sounds so exciting!! Go on with your bad self, you snowy fox!
I have… hm. I straightened up last night AND I survived a rough therapy session, so, you know, I feel accomplished about that.
I did a master budget for a documentary film with absolutely no previous experience doing such things, so, I felt pretty decent about that. It was in the midst of soooo much other work and trying to teach myself how to do tasks while accomplishing said tasks, so, you know, it felt like I had scaled a moderate mountain. Maybe an ambitious molehill.
Oh! I sent of a KILLER application to a “summer school” with the IDFA for a project I am writing/semi-producing, and even if it is not picked up (it is super competitive), I felt so good about hitting that deadline with no notice and turning out a great app.
One of my best friends, a passionate, driven, and brilliant Flamenco dancer and choreographer, asked me to work on a film project she is doing, and that made me just beside myself with a sense of achievement. She is not one to let love and affection get in the way of her professionalism, so I trust that she really appreciates my talent, knowledge, and experience.
Wow. I was just languishing in my sense of failure. But apparently some Stuff Happened recently. Thanks for this post.
I love that–sometimes you need to write it down to see it all for what it is! Kick butt.
I’m glad! I definitely need to write down the things I’ve accomplished lately in order to admit to myself I did them and have the space to feel proud. Only most of the time I end up procrastinating writing that list!
Surviving a rough therapy session is huge. Therapy is work, and it takes a lot out of you. It sounds like you’ve done a lot lately, so take care of yourself! You deserve it.
I managed to Go To Bed Early and Stretch Before Bedtime four out of six nights recently. Huge accomplishment.
Ooh I just started doing this and it does wonders for my overall health and wellbeing! Go us 🙂
It’s strange how such tiny things can have such a big impact, but there you are. Let’s see how long we can keep this up!
I have generalized anxiety disorder and have had problems with depression on and off throughout my adult life, but these past 6 months have been the worst depressive period I’ve ever dealt with. I see a counselor regularly, have been running and taking yoga classes 3-4 times a week, and I even tried acupuncture for a bit, but nothing has been able to get me out of this low.
This week, I finally saw a psychiatrist and have started taking lexapro. I’ve been terrified of doing this for a long time (because unreasonable fear of doctors/bad past experience with celexa), but I’m so glad I did. I feel like things are going to improve from here, and I’m proud of myself for taking the plunge. I can get better! I think.
I took all “sorrys” and “could you please-s” out of an email before I sent it today, and currently my thigh is pressed firmly against the manspreader next to me on the bus. I am mighty.
Yesssss I love reclaiming space from manspreaders on public transport. I’m a big fan of crossing my legs in that way where you rest your ankle on your knee (does that have a name?!) so any man who encroaches on my space has to deal with the sole of my shoe pressed against his trousers. Take that!
Ooh advanced technique!
Well done you!!
I started my dream job this week, after of years of hard work and plenty of dead ends.
It comes after a period of realising I need to knuckle down and be disciplined about loving and taking care of myself. It’s all very nee and scary but I finally am waking up to how hurtful I can be to myself, harsh and critical, and self-sabotaging, and this shit has gotta stop because actually I’m awesome.
Congratulations on getting an MA place! That is an excellent achievement. (As is bedroom cleaning; getting rid of the dust is so hard.)
Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in about eighteen months. I was able to run on the treadmill for about ten minutes without stopping to walk, which is pretty good for me.
Oohhh boy. Here are some things that have been happening for me!
– I work in the textile biz & spring market is carnival of insanity beyond words & I managed to get everything done on time even with designers/higher-ups throwing crazy at me til the last possible second!
– mr inkwashed & I had a big row last weekend (that I suspect was partially fueled by his lingering depression & my total lack of sleep – see above) & while my first reaction was utter devastation I was calm & assertive & I think we actually made significant progress in working through some of the issues that have been causing us a lot of difficulty in our relationship.
– I have made plans & am about to start executing them for some future career goals now that I’ve had a full night of sleep!
Toasties! I am here on time today! After someone linked to the T. Kingfisher/Ursala Vernon version of Bluebeard the other day, I’ve been reading all her short stories. Toad Words in particular struck me as one that was a horrific story made comforting- that sisterly love at the end! http://tkingfisher.com/?page_id=242
I just finished her book The Raven and the Reindeer – highly recommend!
Also her Bryony and Roses is a killer take on Beauty and the Beast. I thought I was burnt out on Beauty and the Beast retellings, but no. Turns out there’s still something new to say. (It’s not perfect, but it has an amazing twist that I won’t spoil here.)
I loved Bryony! I’m reading The Raven and the Reindeer now, and have giant hearts in my eyes for the grandmother who breaks down the “not like other girls” bullshit.
That is so lovely! I feel like I’ve read it before, but thank you for reminding me of it. I adore her writing style.
Her version of Little Red Riding Hood is THE BEST.
Yes, yes, yes!
I have been obsessed with her lately! I just read her newest book (The Seventh Bride) and loved it. I just feel so happy whenever I read her work.
I forget, were you the Toastie who introduced me to C.S.E. Cooney’s short stories? If you were, thank you, you changed my literary life. If not, and you haven’t read her yet, I think you’d enjoy her!
A sampling:
Witch, Beast, Saint (an erotic fairy tale mashup)
How the Milkmaid Struck a Bargain with the Crooked One (a retelling of Rumpelstiltskin)
Martyr’s Gem (I’m not sure how to describe it)
That was not me, but I am so eager to check these out! Thanks for passing the recommendation along!
Late to this, but I love Vernon’s Susan/Narnia story here:
http://ursulav.livejournal.com/1510426.html
I haven’t read anything else by her, but clearly I need to!
Toasties, George Takei made a gif of my cat in a tie earlier this week and this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
(My cat does not usually wear a tie, she was in a video shoot for an ad campaign.)
Such a dapper kitty!
She is filing all of her 1099-divs with class
1099-DIV-A you mean!
YOUR CAT WAS IN A VIDEO SHOOT FOR AN AD CAMPAIGN??
(very cute cat, and yay A GEORGE TAKEI GIF)
It’s not as much of a big deal as it sounds… I don’t have a cat agent with a cat modeling agency or anything!
I have a friend who runs a small video/animation studio and she asked to borrow my cat for a project. She has an adorable corgi that she uses in her projects sometimes but they needed a cat for this specific one. The project is here if you are interested.
At least let us make it a big deal because this is fucking awesome.
Mmhm. In this as in all things, CleverManka speaks for me.
Fucking awesome. *squee!!*
Your cat is famous on the internet. That seems like a pinnacle of achievement.
I wonder if the person who owns Maru does consulting, because I need to figure out how to monetize this…
About damn time pets started earning their keep.
Your cat is perfect, the gif is perfect, this is amazing!!!
Your cat is awesome!!!
Toasties, I need some book recommendations for one of my partners. His school system gave him terrible skills for analyzing and enjoying literature. Apparently, they focused on simply naming the theme the teacher thought the book was “about” rather than on finding joy in discussing the questions a book raises, to the extent that the teacher would have them literally count the frequency of words like “death” in a chapter and then say that the repetition meant that “death” was the theme of the chapter. Learning this bloodless way of relating to books means that reading for pleasure is still a pretty alien concept to him, and the idea of enjoying discussing a book is even more so. This problem is compounded by the fact that many of the most important people in his life love reading and reference books and stories pretty frequently (his mom reads all the time, I always have at least two books going, and his best friend is a professional writer), so this lovely, brilliant man feels a lot of shame and self-loathing about not liking to read. This breaks my poor bibliophile heart.
He’s asked me if we could read some books together and talk about them so that he can see how I engage with books and (hopefully!) learn to enjoy reading them. I’m looking for something that has enough meat to it that it will be worth talking about while still having an engaging and enjoyable plot. For reference, he remembers reading Tom Clancy books in high school and enjoying them, he liked World War Z all right when he read it last year but found it too violent, he hated the magical realism and torture scenes of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, and he’s found the 19th-century literature he’s read too slow-moving. Also, he was a philosophy major in undergrad, so he’s comfortable talking about big abstract ideas when they’re laid out in a philosophical tract; he just has trouble abstracting them from a fictional story. I was thinking maybe a sci-fi novel like Ancillary Justice, but I would love to hear advice from other Toasties!
Marathon Man by William Goldman?
That looks neat! Thanks!
The Princess Bride is also by William Goldman and great.
No advice, but some sympathy: Mr. LF is constitutionally incapable of enjoying fiction. He simply can’t pick out the plot, or understand why the characters do the things they do. (He also only cares about movies and shows with a high ratio of things blowing up, because it’s easy to see what’s blown up.) I’ve learned to look outside my marriage for certain needs.
I’d be all right doing the same, especially as my gentleman caller is happy to listen to me talk about my latest book, but he’s said this feels like a real moral failing on his part, so he actively wants to work on it.
We have had pretty good luck with Discworld novels on audio. I think because they are YA they are easier to follow? And the characters are all so clearly and distinctly drawn.
Those are good points! I’ve only read a couple of the Discworld novels, but I always mean to read more of them. They might make some fun but easy to follow reading for him to start with. Thank you!
May I recommend Mort as a great place to start, and not “Book 1”? Anthropomorphized Death – what’s not to like!
I know it’s on all the annoying Man Book lists, but maybe Catch 22? It’s hysterical and zany and there’s a plot and also a good chance that he could have it in common with other readers?
That’s a good idea! I remember really enjoying it when I read it (lo, these many years ago).
I was also thinking Catch 22 as a fun ‘guy’ book, also maybe Vonnegut or (more feministically) Margaret Atwood?
Philosophy makes me think of Jo Walton’s The Just City but it is a big literary read; might not be a great “beginner” sort of novel. But I bet if he’s into philosophy and history, he’ll enjoy the easter eggs for those in the know in that book.
What about The Girl With All The Gifts? I haven’t read WWZ so not sure how the violence compares, but it’s a tight fast-paced read.
Or head to the YA section? Ooh, When You Reach Me might be good – I loved it and recommend it to adults looking for a light read.
The Just City might be just the ticket, actually! We were arguing about objective morality codes the other night, and the idea of a world where people are seeking to become their best selves is perfect. Thank you!
The Girl with All the Gifts is less violent than WWZ, but I found it a lot scarier (Animorphs and The Wrath of Khan gave me a deep-seated fear of things getting crawling inside my head and taking over my brain, though…)
Animorphs and The Wrath of Khan gave me a deep-seated fear of things getting crawling inside my head and taking over my brain, though…
Right? Ugh my neuroses you have named them
OH BOY. This is such a great question, and such a delightful, loving project.
* John Le Carre. A big step up from Clancy, plenty of plot but also big questions about how to be a good person, what it means to have a job that overshadows your life, the nature of politics and the Cold War. I like “Russia House” and “The Spy Who Came In From the Cold”.
* Umberto Eco? I could imagine him getting a kick out of The Name of the Rose especially.
* “Great Expectations” is a good gateway drug for 19th century literature imho.
* In a different vein entirely, what about some novels that are often explicitly read in the context of philosophy, like Camus (The Stranger or The Plague) or de Beauvoir?
OMG I’m excited that someone else suggested Le Carre! I was also thinking of Umberto Eco – my favorite is Foucault’s Pendulum.
Le Carre is an excellent idea! Definitely a lot to pick apart while still being a spy novel. And I could stand to read more Camus or de Beauvoir myself, so I might also suggest that. Thank you very much!
I heartily recommend John Scalzi’s sci-fi work; his pacing is brisk and he is not afraid of Big Themes but also keeps his eye firmly on the reader’s enjoyment. “Lock In” is a great transhumanist murder mystery, and a standalone book.
That looks fascinating! Thank you for the recommendation!
Hm. What about John Le Carre books? They have very good, fast-paced plots but also have a lot of deeper meaning (at least in my view) – like Tom Clancy but with a bit more substance so you could really have a conversation about them.
There’s definitely a lot of deeper meaning in le Carre! I’ve only read Tinker Tailor, but I’d be happy to re-read it or try some of his others. Thank you!
Sophie’s World, maybe? It’s basically a philosophy 101 course disguised as a novel, so maybe that can bridge the gap for him.
I was thinking that as well.
Oh, that looks really neat! Thank you!
I love love love the Great Gatsby, and I think that would work well in this situation. It’s pretty short, and I think it can be enjoyed on a lot of different levels. If you haven’t read it since high school, give it another go. Reading it as someone in your late 20’s or older (the age of the characters) gives you a totally different perspective on it, if you are of that age group. Plus the language is delicious and there are a lot of moral issues you can discuss together. And there are probably a million reader’s guides out there to help you two through a discussion.
I also really enjoyed Gatsby and re-read it when the movie came out. (My 10th grade English teacher also used it to introduce us to T.S. Eliot, for which I will be forever grateful.) I think I want to avoid a book that might be coded as “schoolwork” in his head for this first one, but I’ll definitely keep it in mind for the future. Thank you!
How did your teacher connect Gatsby to Eliot? I feel like I missed that connection and I LOVE both Gatsby and Eliot so I would love to know!
The eyes of T. J. Eckleburg looking out over the Valley of Ashes supposedly allude to T.S. Eliot looking over The Waste Land (geddit?) of early 20s society.
Ah, that makes sense. Thanks!
It’s a children’s book, but maybe The Little Prince? On the surface is just a children’s book, but it has so many avenues that you can travel in regard to theme and symbolism.
One of my other partners recently introduced me to that book by reading it aloud, and I cried several times throughout. If I have the emotional fortitude to revisit it so soon, it might be in the sweet spot of easy to read while addressing complicated themes. Thank you for the suggestion!
I really love The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. Beautifully written, sci-fi, the beauty of learning languages, questions of faith and suffering and recovery, love…
Oh, that sounds like a beautiful book! I’m putting on my personal list of things to read, regardless of whether I think it would be his jam. Thank you!
I should say that trauma and recovery from trauma are big parts of it, although the beautiful things are also a super big part of it, so if that’s not your scene, just be aware.
Thanks for the warning!
Seconding! Love this book, and the sequel, Children of God
I reset my (very rarely used) IntenseDebate password and searched for this specific post so I could thank you for this particular recommendation! The Kindle sample was great, and I’m ordering a paperback copy from Powell’s.
Maybe some of N.K. Jemisin’s novels? I first thought of The Fifth Season, but it’s pretty heavy going for just jumping in – The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms is lighter, but it’s got a lot going on with empire and colonialism, the relationship of humans to each other and to gods, and some damn good character development.
Alternatively, maybe a graphic novel would be less intimidating? Sandman is phenomenal, it’s accessible even if you’re not a comics reader, and there’s plenty of chewy philosophy and moral systems going on.
The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms looks perfectly up my own alley, actually. And absolutely co-sign on the Sandman love. I don’t know what his gut reaction is to graphic novels, but that would be a neat conversation for us to have anyway. Thanks!
Yes, to The Sandman and maybe throw in Watchmen? That was the first graphic novel/comic I ever read and I think it was easier for me to grasp because it was a self-contained story in one (collected) volume.
A single, self-contained story is definitely the goal here, at least for this first book. I need to revisit Watchmen as an adult, as I’m pretty sure a lot of it went over my head as a middle school kid. Thanks!
Well, Hemmingway definitely has a lot of Themes and Philosophy in his work, and he wrote a lot of short stories which you could dip your toes into to see if it goes well.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead is a play, but it is just delightful and philosophical at the same time.
In terms of pure joy of reading, how about something by Michael Chabon?
Somehow, despite being a massive Shakespeare buff, I’ve never seen or read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Thank you for reminding me to add that to my own queue!
The Chrysalids by John Wyndham, maybe? It has a really compelling plot but also raises some great questions.
That looks like it could be really cool! Thanks!
This is definitely YA and not even at a high reading level. BUT I have so often felt like it’s perfect to share with someone who doesn’t (yet) love reading that much: The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. It’s so good and I think it’s so accessible for the curious or unenthusiastic reader. Just my two cents.
Accessible and good are exactly what I’m looking for, so thank you!
I think Ancillary Justice would be great. Or how about some LeGuin? Left Hand of Darkness or The Dispossessed, maybe?
I adore Le Guin, so I definitely want to share her with him! Thank you for re-affirming my impulse just to shove Left Hand of Darkness into everyone’s hands and then talk about it forever.
Would your guy enjoy Le Guin’s Lathe of Heaven? That’s one of my favorites of hers, and maybe a little more accessible than LHOD.
Maybe! It’s been forever since I’ve read it, and my feelings aren’t quite as ardent about it as they are about LHOD, which might make for a better initial discussion anyway. That way we’re both coming at it relatively fresh rather than him grappling with the ideas while I shout my favorite theories and gesticulate wildly. Thank you for the suggestion!
And don’t forget her YA books! (Powers is my favorite! )
In Birthday of the World which is a collection of short stories from the Hainish series, there’s a novella about a settler ship that is interesting and not too long. I think that would be a great place to start reading, its between book and short story and it’s also got some themes.
In terms of reading for pleasure, the Vorkosigan series. Space Opera at it’s finest. Or Christopher Moore- try Sacre Bleu, A Dirty Job, Lamb or You Suck?
If you want to use philosophy as a gateway drug, maybe something like Neal Stephenson’s Anathem would be good. Or perhaps something humorous like Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett?
Philosophy as a gateway drug to literature! That is a delightful image! And Anathem looks really neat. Thanks!
Ooh, what about _Sophie’s World_ (Jostein Gaarder). It’s supposedly kind of a kids book, but shit gets weeeeeeird by the end!
Maybe Crime and Punishment? Philosophical + exciting crime things. I remember being completely absorbed and reading really fast despite the fact that it is old.
Maybe Crime and Punishment? Philosophical + exciting crime things. I remember being completely absorbed and reading really fast despite the fact that it is old.
I know that I loved it, but I also tend to love sprawling Russian novels. I want to re-visit that one as an adult, anyway, and maybe my partner would enjoy coming along for the ride? Thank you!
High five for sprawling Russian novels!
High five for sprawling Russian novels!
What about something from the Norton Critical Edition line? You have the text, which is sometimes (always?) footnoted and a bunch of short essays at the end that are written from different critical points of view. So, frex, in my NCE Turn of the Screw there were analyses from the Marxist and feminist (and others, I just can’t remember them ATM) perspectives. I think it’s a really excellent way to get into viewing a text from different angles.
He might not be into Turn of the Screw, but maybe something like The Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man? Or Cane — Cane is amazing and everyone should read it! Harlem Renaissance stuff has a lot to grab hold of and think and talk about.
Oooooh, that’s a good point about reading different criticisms so he’s not just getting my intersectional feminism lens and is getting to engage with other people’s arguments, which he will appreciate as a lawyer-in-training and philosophy nerd. Thank you very much!
Some few other ideas:
The Martian by Andy Weil
Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett
Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel
People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks
Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler
The first two are pretty light – the others maybe not so much – but I think all have broad appeal and very enjoyable. I hope you are able to find some books you can enjoy together!
Thank you very much! I’m pretty sure that with all of the excellent books people are recommending here, we’ll find something!
Seconding Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler! Quick read, terrifying post-apocalyptic kind of world, and some really meaty philosophical/theological stuff to dig into!
Octavia Butler is great!
Anyone who liked Station Eleven should also read Arcadia by Lauren Groff. They’re such good companion pieces to each other.
I gave my non-reader brother Down and Out In Paris and London (Orwell), and it went over pretty well. It’s two stories in one! And really great fodder for discussion, because how England dealt with itinerants is… pretty different from how France did (hint: Paris is way more fun than London).
Last year’s Giller winner was a really great book: Fifteen Dogs by André Alexis. Is a little sad, but a page-turner nevertheless. And Big Philosophical Thinkers are mentioned and thought about without being… name-droppy.
How about The Secret History by Donna Tartt? College environment, ambitious students, murder mystery, ancient Greece, classical philosophy about human nature. The themes might be accessible, and it’s also just delicious.
If he doesn’t like books, does he at least like stories? As in, movies or TV? If he does, maybe you can use that as inspiration.
You could also try some well-written true crime. They’re nonfiction, but still about human motivations and character. I haven’t read In Cold Blood, but it’s a classic, which might give him a sense of being more well-read afterwards.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN AROUND FOR A LIVE OPEN THREAD. I MADE AN ACCOUNT AND EVERYTHING BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. HI.
Hi!
Hello!
your life will now be divided into 2 parts: that which existed before Open Thread and that which comes after.
It is also true that you will, in fact, not remember how your life Before looked like.
HI BACK.
Hi and welcome! I, too, have nothing to say.
Hi!
Hi!
Hello! I am late but also new in the last few weeks!
Allo allo!
Vilkommen, bienvenu, etc.!
Toasties, it’s my mom’s birthday and she’s is utterly wonderful. We got her tickets to go see Bonnie Raitt and she told us that when we were little, she and my dad convinced us that she and Raffi were married because that was the only way to get us to let them play anything other than Raffi in the car.
Do y’all have any amusing/delightful stories about your mom? I’d love to hear them!
My favorite mom story is a bit of a roller coaster but it has a happy ending, don’t worry.
I grew up in IA, and even in a city of 60k it’s still very conservative, and more conservative the more rural you get. One day my mom was driving out in the country and sees a pro-life sign, one with a picture of a baby and also the word murderer on it. This sign is on a winding, two-lane highway, and my mom is driving the day after a pretty bad snow storm. She gets mad enough that she slams on the brakes & manages to roll her car into a ditch. The car was totaled, she was fine, and the sign is still there, 10 years later.
Someone should do something about that baby. If it can murder as a baby, imagine what it could do now at 10 years old, what with the ability to walk and vastly improved motor skills!
This reminds me of my mom, who lives in a very conservative area as well. One of her proudest moments was putting an Obama sign up in her yard.
My most recent mom story: in response to her learning that my friends and I had formed a trivia team, she mailed me the Presidents place mat from when I was a kid. Included in the package was a note saying “You rock! Love you bunches! Love, Mom”
One of my favorite story that I think says a lot about my mom and the woman I hope to become: She started playing Bridge at the age of 40 with women literally twice her age, who are now some of her dearest friends. One of the ladies was diagnosed with macular degeneration a year into my mom joining the group. She was having a lot of trouble seeing the cards and though she would have to stop playing. My mom said “No damn way is that going to happen” and designed a large print, uncluttered deck of cards that her friend could use. She had about 1000 decks printed up, some of which she sold to make back the cost of making them, but the rest of which she gave to friends, retirement homes, nursing homes, etc. And I think that is just such a nice thing that she did for a friend without even thinking twice about it.
Basically my mom is great and I love her so much.
My mom has a harrowing series of Facebook statuses in which she describes her everyday goings ons as the Adventures of The Heroine. One of my favorite ones from recent memory:
“Chapter 25: Our heroine’s nerves are worn to a veritable frazzle with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Never being one to do today what she can put off until tomorrow, she finally procured a tree yesterday. As one can imagine, the selection was less than ideal. But she got it home (after sweet talking the fine young gentleman at the tree lot into roping it to her car) and wrangled it into the stand. “It’s almost straight”, she thinks, “and the ornaments will cover the bare spots”. Tonight, she pulls out her lights, which up until this point, have served her well. She artfully places them on her tree and plugs them in. “Son of a biscuit”, she exclaims as half of them do not light up. She descends to the basement to get the other, less festive lights she has (there’s pink involved) and plugs those in. “Son of a beekeeper” she cries as half of those fail as well. Off to Target she sails with her lady-in-waiting [her daughter]. She purchases new lights (not what she wanted it should be noted but some which she was talked into by said [daughter]), gets them on the tree and is now too exhausted to finish the decorating. Never fear gentle reader – our heroine is bound and determined to make it a merry fucking Christmas for all.”
She also has her Facebook photo set as an illustration of a woman lounging luxuriously on a bed in a housecoat with the words “Queen of Fucking Everything” printed on it.
My mom is a gift and a treasure.
Your mom sounds wonderful!
oh my god your mom is my hero
I should also note that pretty much all of my friends like my mom more than me, and a large chunk of them have never even met her! They just have heard stories or are friends with her on Facebook. I am only mildly jealous.
Your mom sounds amazing!
Not by best mom story, but involves songs in cars:
My mom loves Gordon Lightfoot. She saw him live when she was in her 20s and spoke to him (see: hit on him) backstage after a show. She STILL TALKS ABOUT IT. She had a greatest hits CD when I was a kid and it was the only thing she played in the car. I osmosed all the words to every song. Now 20 years later, I still compulsively sing along to “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”
He came to perform in my city last year and I flipped out trying to get us tickets, but the man can still apparently sell out a show 🙁
It was my mom’s birthday last weekend, and during our phone call, my husband yelled across the room to wish her happy birthday, to which she replied “happy birthday!”. Then I handed the phone off to him, he said it again and she responded in kind again. He pointed out that she was a few months early on that one, and she got so flustered. She even texted me about it later on! She was just tired after a long day at work, it was pretty cute though.
i say this every time there are mom stories afoot but it’s my favorite so i’ll say it again:
my mom likes to change the words to heart’s “crazy on you” and sing it to me when i’m out shopping with her and she wants me to buy something: “but it looks PRETTTTY on you!”
Hahaha, that is great.
My mom looks like a typical round and mellow 60-year-old lady, but apparently she was quite the rebel in her youth. Nothing me or my brother did in *our* youth, therefore, could ever faze her. When she was approached by a worried/enraged school mom about my outrageously dyed hair she purportedly replied: “I know, I helped her dye it! Doesn’t she look amazing?!” She is the best.
My mom told me on Saturday that she had five kids almost entirely because she hated getting her period. I was in the midst of my worst cramp day, so I was like you know I totally get that that’s entirely fair, and I still think it is.
TOASTS I put on my big girl panties over last weekend and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I’m seeing her bright and early on Sunday. (Right after a St. Patrick’s Day party lolsob.) Go me!
Is it weird to say I’m proud of you? Let’s say I’m in awe of you! I’m glad you’re doing this for yourself and I hope that it starts to do a little of what you need it to do right away, so that you’ll feel able to keep doing it. You are brave. Good luck.
Well done! I hope it goes well 🙂
Hooray! Well done you! I hope you two work well together.
Go you!
Toasties,
I am one week after finding that my job is going to be eliminated in favor of things I am not suited/qualified to do, and I am already feeling like a failure because I have not secured a new job yet. I am one of those people who has had less of a career and more of a series of jobs, which adds to my insecurity and feelings of failure. I have skills and abilities, but am terrible at “selling myself” and end up understating things without realizing I am doing it.
Does anyone have suggestions of what to read, what to do, who to talk to?
Definitely Ask a Manager. She’s very helpful and realistic. Also, I have a few documents I could send you if you feel comfortable with that (as I mentioned down-thread, I just got a job, so I’d been doing some interview workshops recently)
I’d be interested! How do I do that, pop my email here and then delete it in short order?
You know, I hadn’t actually gotten to the how…but I think that would probably be best. If you leave that now, I’ll start gathering together what I have, and send it to you today.
Oh, this is me too 🙁 I recently didn’t make it past the phone interview stage of a job I really wanted and hoped would be my ticket out of retail. To be fair, my current job is great in a lot of ways, but end of the day, the pay just isn’t sustainable. So now I don’t really know what sort of job to look for, or how to get one, and having ye olde worthless humanities grad degree coupled with random retail jobs does not exactly make one feel like a winner * flails hands about wildly, lays down face first *
If you live in Chicago, we could meet for Commiseration and the Mutual Flailing of Hands…
Alas, I don’t, or I totally would! Therefore please accept a virtual cocktail of commiseration from this fellow midwesterner (I’m in Columbus).
Don’t take it personally! I was horrifically underemployed/unemployed and it took me ages and dozens of interviews to get something.
Don’t be afraid to use contacts and let people you know know that you are looking.
Start with a base resume and polish per application but aim for volume over excessive tweaking because interviews are the thing.
Get the face time with people in jobs you want and if you don’t get the job, politely inquire what skills they thought you should be able to bring to the table. You’ll either learn it wasn’t right for you or know what to do for next time and it pays dividends to be gracious.
Did I mention don’t take it personally? It can take months for no reason other than business cycles, the nature of your specialty, sunspots.
Do something interesting if there’s a gap between departing previous job and new one. Volunteer, write something, have something interesting to talk about when you get that interview – preferably something that puts you in contact with other humans….who might become your network.
Have a friend write up how they would “sell” you and find someone who can help you think about all the things you do so well that you don’t think about because you just do them so well.
This is about salary negotiation but it might help pump you up in your search. Hang in there! Job hunting sucks. Who even has a career any more? You’ll be fine. http://jezebel.com/5020289/woman-to-woman-how-to-…
When resume writing, think about your experience as useful for demonstrating your skills and knowledge. Your skills are what employers want: your experience is there to demonstrate that you have such skills. So, for example, instead of saying “I managed projects”, say “used time management skill, sound judgment, and knowledge of project management methodology to lead multiple initiatives while balancing competing priorities.”
I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL AND I FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT IT
CONGRATULATIONS!
YEAH YEAH YEAH
SAME! HIGH FIVE!!!!!
WELL DONE!!
Same! I like your enthusiasm 🙂
YEAAAAAHH!! YAY! CONGRATS!
Congratulations!
Woooooot congratulations!!!
Same! High fives!
I’m not having a good week. My best friend tried to kill himself last night, and all I can feel is numb right now. Luckily, it may be the thing that prompts him to get real help, like 12 weeks paid mental health leave and a therapist and/or medicine, so I shouldn’t dwell too much on the bad, I guess. There’s literally nothing I can actively do to help right now, so I’m at work trying to focus and get my mind off of last night, but I just can’t. I want to go home and eat fries and drink beer and be a lump.
*jedi hugs for you* You are allowed to take time to grieve and process. Do you have a therapist or a friend you trust?
Thanks. I don’t have a therapist, though there are some resources through work I can look into if it gets to that.
I can’t really talk to people who know both of us too much since mostly he doesn’t want anyone to know. He’s a great guy, but he’s taken this long to get help because he buys into the toxic masculinity bullshit of ‘being depressed is weakness’ and ‘real men don’t need help’ though he’d never say it like that or tell anyone else that, it just leaks out when he’s talking about himself. Even though I think it’s a stupid reason, I’m going to respect his request to not tell anyone who could know it’s him I’m talking about.
So anonymous internet commenters it is!
It’s fair for him to want to keep it private but, IMO, not at the expense of YOUR mental health and well-being. You need an outlet too.
My partner went through clinical depression and…. it’s ugly. It’s so hard. It almost ruined us. It still has ripples in our lives. He also wanted to stoic his way out to the other side, and it was just… I have no words. I also know someone whose best friend committed suicide and it was a decade long recovery, and I was there for a lot of it. You’re not just a bystander. This impacts you as well.
You have to be okay, too. Take care of yourself. It’s one of the best things you can do for him. Look into those resources and take advantage of anything you can get. Be well. Depression really is contagious, in a sense. Get your support system together and maintain your health. Grieve and process and be honest about what you need.
*gentle hug*
If you need an ear, and I could help, let me know. Skype, call, email, whatever.
That sounds really difficult, and I’m so sorry that you have to deal with it, especially without much in-person support.
Since you mention that your job offers some sort of connections to mental health professionals, it’s possible that your Employee Assistance Program has a free confidential 24/7 counselor call-in line (for mine, it’s the contact number listed on the website). They’re often not well-publicized within companies, so it might be worth checking to see if one exists at your company even if you’ve not head about it. It might be helpful to be able to verbally process things with a professional in more detail than you might be comfortable sharing (even anonymously) over the Internet. It’s a lot more low-key than finding a therapist, and it’s immediate, which can be helpful at crisis moments.
“Since you mention that your job offers some sort of connections to mental health professionals, it’s possible that your Employee Assistance Program has a free confidential 24/7 counselor call-in line (for mine, it’s the contact number listed on the website).”
Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly what it is. If it turns out that he doesn’t get approved for time off and can’t go see a professional himself, I may have to do that to help me cope, since it will undoubtedly get worse. But right now, it feels almost as hopeful as sad, which also kinda makes me feel bad, that I’m slightly relieved, but he’s said as much himself, so…
BTW, my manager is a BOSS also, and told me to duck out early and take some time off if I needed it without counting it against my PTO. So, I’m going to be fine one way or another.
I’m glad that you’re getting to take some extra time to yourself today, because even though you’re going to be fine, it’s totally okay not to be fine just this second. Sending all of the mental support your way.
<3 sending you and your friend all the love and strength to get through this.
I am so sorry to hear that– you absolutely deserve a night of eating fries and drinking beer, and whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself.
My little brother tried to kill himself a little over a year ago, and. yeah. My world collapsed. I was numb for a while; it was safer than feeling, and kept me able to function. Not being able to DO anything was the worst: I felt like I should have known, or talked to him more, or or or or or…, which is ridiculous, because you never know (really) what is going on in other people’s brains unless they tell you, and there’s only so much you can do to help someone who can’t hear it. Internet hugs, and you’re not alone.
It’s been decades since my little brother tried to kill himself (he was a teen, I was 2000 miles away at college), and I still have to consciously process it sometimes. We don’t have a good adult relationship, but as kids we were a team. Raising sons who remind me of him as a youth is also a hell of a journey sometimes. The not knowing another’s heart and mind thing is a bitch.
I’m sorry you went through that, and I know I’m not the first to tell you that you couldn’t have known, or been the one to save him from his sad journey. I hope he’s healing, as are you.
As someone who had a friend declare they were going to commit suicide (thankfully they did not follow through), sending you lots of support and understanding right now. I don’t know where you’re at personally, but I hope that if you have thoughts about what you could/should/might have done to prevent this situation, you’ll remind yourself that you made the choices you thought were best at the time you made them. Perhaps this does not apply to you right now at all, in which case, you can just ignore me! But if it does, I hope it helps a little.
No, this is really helpful! I give credit to how well I have been handling this to the dash toast dot net and Captain Awkward. Full of super advice, you lot! Thanks!
I”m so sorry to hear this. Hope he does get recovery. Hope you can find a sense of peace and understanding in this difficult days.
ToastHugs for you if you want them. I hope you are very good to yourself this weekend; that is a big big thing to be happening in your life.
I want to hug all and everybody whose close friends or siblings went into those dark places. My own brother didn’t go quite so far, but I still vividly remember that gut-wrenching midnight call went he told me he’s had himself committed into a psychiatric ward. So… stay strong, you. Your friend is getting the help he needs now, and that’s the most important step.
Hello Toasties! I had a dream where I watched Halmiton last night and all the songs were in random order and it was staged in my living room. I don’t know what it means but I took it as a sign to get into the open thread.
Any Toasties in Vanouver, BC interested in a meetup??
I live in Vancouver. I’d like to meet you!
It gets better! I remember crying a week or two after having my first because I thought I would never be able to make or eat dinner again. (I mean I cried a lot in the first few weeks, but that’s a specific reason I remember crying.) Needless to say, I made dinner again, and watched TV with my husband and exercised and went out with friends. I mean, maybe those things don’t happen with the same regularity they did before kids, but they do.
This is not particularly uplifting, but I found it helpful after a bad one to remind myself that I never had to live through that particular day (or night!) again, and that on balance things would only get better. And they do!
Seconding it really does get better! What I remember most is how in the moment it felt like that hard thing (crying, marathon nursing, whatever) was going to last FOREVER but as it turns out, kids grow & change pretty quickly, and I think the sense of that as parent takes a while to come, but then you have it and it makes everything so much easier.
Yes, this. My son (now 21 months old) will have these really difficult phases (screaming during dinner, waking up in the middle of the night) and every time I’ll think, “This is it. This is my life for the next five decades until death takes me,” but then I’ll look back and realize, “Oh that only lasted for a week.”
Each phase has its difficulties (toddlers have the strength and will power of an enraged elephant), but I’ve enjoyed each phase more than the last.
It gets better. And cuter! And funner!
I’m laughing out loud at “this is my life for the next five decades until death takes me”, because I’ve had the EXACT same thought, many many times.
Oh yes, us too. ‘I will be 75 and still trying to talk people into using potty.’ Except, amazingly, not so much anymore!
Yes absolutely to the “kids grow & change pretty quickly”. That perspective helps so much with baby #2.
With #1, the first 12 weeks of nursing were so brutal, I wanted to quit just about every time she needed to eat–but I stuck with it out of perversity and, in the end, nursed her for over two years. Out of those 26 months, three is really not that many, and I’m so so so glad I didn’t quit! (Obviously this is not to say that you shouldn’t quit if it’s making you miserable, this is just my experience, and who knows, maybe I would have been happier overall if I had!) Same goes for sleep, mostly. Yes, I’m exhausted and cranky now, but I know that AT SOME POINT I will sleep again.
Yes! It gets so much better! With both my kids, the first week was an utter disaster of constant crying (both me and the baby) and no sleeping. After that, I started sloooooowly climbing out of the hole. You will absolutely get to do the things you love again, no you did not make a huge mistake having a baby, yes you are an awesome mom. If snuggling your baby feels lovely, do as much of it as you can because in a few months they’ll be too squirmy to snuggle (except when they sleep). If it doesn’t feel lovely, that’s also fine, you are not required to like this phase. There are a lot of other phases coming.
“you are not required to like this phase. There are a lot of other phases coming”
This is so, so good.
so true! Jesus I miss the tiny baby snuggling. All she wants to do now (6 months) is wriggle and put my phone/the remote control/the dog in her mouth.
Guys. GUYS. Two things. I bought a house this week. Woot. And also, check out this excerpt from a conversation happening in a company chat room for my almost entirely male office (I am the only non-male, aka as a woman). For some reason the subject of conversation veered to what pregnant women should and should not be allowed to consume:
Comment 1: : “A lot of women I know shouldn’t make their own choices when they’re pregnants”
Comment 2: “““The baby doesn’t any choices whether it should drink alcohol or not”
Congrats on the house, condolences on the coworkers…
Congrats on the house purchase! And ffs, men need to just keep their traps shut re: what women do with their bodies, pregnant or not.
*boggles*
*slowly re-reads excerpt to make sure she didn’t misinterpret anything*
*realizes there’s not really a ton there to misinterpret*
*wonders if setting men on fire and casually walking away is socially acceptable*
*settles for muttering “fucking men” under her breath*
See, this is why men have been denied the ability to grow a baby. FFS.
There is a theory I come closer and closer to adopting with every encounter with men like these. The theory is that there is an evolutionary reason so many men never mature past the level of 12-year-old boys. It’s because the human species survives as long as enough women are mature adults and can therefore influence the next generation of women. Evolutionary-wise, men are needed only to produce sperm. So maturing them can be a waste of resources, from the perspective of evolution.
Note to male Toastfriends: i like and value each of you precisely because you *chose* to mature. You didn’t have to, not you white ones. But you did mature. Now you’re here at The-Toast.net, and I’m glad you are.
::facepalm:: regarding your coworkers. You poor thing.
And happyhappyhappy about your house!
Congratulations on the house!
You work with these guys, right?
I had never seen that, and now I’m mesmerized.
Hello! May I have your thoughts on When It Is Smart To Move In Together? How long do you think is appropriate? Beyond time, how do you know?
Context= my boyfriend and I have only been together for about three months, but he has pre-existing plans to move out of his place in about three months, so we are kind of tossing around the idea of moving in together then. Six months to me feel like it’s on the faster end of a reasonable timeline, but not insane, but, if he happened to be currently living way closer to me and didn’t want to move (he lives on the west side of LA and I’m on the east side so we’re essentially long distance uuuugh), I doubt we’d be talking about it already. It feels a little silly to have him get a short-term place if we’re comfortable with say, 9 months but not 6, but we’re open to that because we don’t want to screw things up by moving too fast. We have had some good talks already about our needs for space, cleanliness, etc.
When did you move in with your partner? What conversations did you have? Do you hate them now?
My now-husband and I moved in together after a year of dating, but that was only because when we met, we had both just signed year-long leases for our own places. Otherwise, I think we would have done it much sooner–I think a lot of it comes down to what feels right. So I’d check in with yourself and him about whether six months feels fast, like, in an uncomfortable way, or just in the sense of how other people normally do things. If him getting a short-term place for another several months makes you feel better, I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing to do.
Before spouse and I moved in together, we talked a lot about splitting chores evenly, expectations about having guests over, the possibility of pets, splitting bills, home decor, all that good stuff. And we got a place big enough for us to not feel cramped, which I think makes a big difference.
My now husband and I moved in after about 9 months together, and it was fast considering the previous 4 months had been long distance and I was moving to be with him. It worked out, we got engaged and then moved to another province a few months later, but it was rocky at points. There was a steep learning curve around the way our habits intersected, but it worked out after a lot of talks and some frustration.
We are very good now, but if I’d had my way and circumstances were better in wouldn’t move in until closer to a year.
Agree with others who say, it’s best to make it a relationship decision, and not a real estate decision.
Yes, this, 100%
yes, this! A friend once said, & I have repeated it often, that the time to move in together is when you just can’t bear the idea of not living together anymore. Mr inkwashed & I moved in together after about a year, year and a half, & it was still an adjustment.
That is a wonderfully concise way to phrase that.
That is a very nice and concise way of putting it, thank you! It’s tough though when real estate can have such an impact on your relationship. Right now it’s like, he’s a PhD student finishing his dissertation and I have a very busy 9-5+ job, so we have pretty different schedules and sometimes he ends up coming over at 10pm to essentially be there while I fall sleep. The idea of just having him there when I get home is so appealing for that reason, but there are probably options other than living together right now that would still make things much easier for us, and we should consider them.
Mr. Editor moved into my apartment after about 6 months. It was intended to be short term because his lease was up in May and his new apartment with friends wouldn’t be available until September. We were really explicit that it wasn’t a step in our relationship and this was just convenience and saved on rent blah blah blah. Fast forward 8 years, and well, we’re still living together. Turns out, he is my roommate soul mate. We are clean similarly, we eat similarly, we divide chores without even thinking or talking about it. He’s everything I ever wanted in a roommate. And a romantic life partner as well, but the roommate-aspect thing is a big one for me. I grew up in an environment where my parent fought constantly about house upkeep stuff, and to just have that be a non-issue is…heavenly.
Moral of the story, I think even if you go in with an explicit “This is a practical decision and we’ll take it from there” isn’t a bad thing–and can be the best decision you’ve ever made. Trouble only starts when one person starts planning for more serious stuff while the other is like, “woah, I thought this was temporary.” And you’ll learn a lot about each other, which will happen sooner or later either way. Also, the fact that you’re talking it through before leaping into it bodes well in my book.
Hi! I am not sure I have anything necessarily smart to add. My now husband and I met and fell into really goofy head spinning love and moved in with each other after 3 months of dating. We did not have any conversations about how it would work, or any discussions about our own needs or preferences. I think we were very young (I was 19, he was older but in boy years basically the same age) and pretty ignorant that those were conversations that people even had. I feel like you are already ahead of all of it with what you describe!
All turned out pretty cool for us. We just celebrated 15 yrs of marriage (20 yrs together!), we have a couple of kids and a couple of dogs and we have both learned so much from each other. We have definitely had periods in our relationship where things were terrible, but also so much joy. I think in long relationships you will both experience many version of the relationship, plus lots of versions of yourself.
You absolutely have to have the conversations about money, who is paying for what, etc. Are you splitting everything 50/50? Are you paying based on who makes more money? Do you ever expect that to change?
Also … I don’t know. To be 6 months is a little early to move in together. Do you know enough about each other’s habits? Is one of you a neat freak and one of you messy? How will you deal with that? Have you had any arguments yet? How did you deal with those arguments? Do you see yourself with this guy long-term? If so, do you want to be married to him? Do you think that moving in together now would help or hurt that? (This also depends on your age of course). Who will be doing the cooking/cleaning? What happens if one of your work schedules dramatically changes? Does one of you like TV and one of you hate it? And, in general, how committed are you both to the relationship? It would be a crappy situation indeed to be living with someone who you end up hating. There’s just a lot of things to think about. Ugh, sorry, this sounds pessimistic, but I really do think it helps to think all of those things through.
For context, before my now-husband and I moved in together (which also involved buying a house and setting a wedding date so it was obviously a much bigger commitment), I knew that 1) we both hate TV, 2) he was on board doing the cooking/cleaning/laundry stuff because I work MUCH longer hours, 3) I would be paying most of the expenses, and 4) he liked to come home from work and immediately put on PJs and listen to music and I liked to come home from work and, well, do more work, and we were both comfortable with that. We knew each others’ habits very well because we had been staying together every weekend for multiple years. And I think that made a huge difference. If he had been totally surprised that I work like 24×7, or I had been surprised that he wanted the radio on basically all the time, we might not have been ok with those things.
We didn’t move in together until we’d been dating for five years. And even then we’re not “really” together? He owns a four-flat and I live in the flat above him. Maybe we’ll move into a single-family home in the future. Maybe not.
Though maybe don’t look to us for guidance. Definitely not typical.
That sounds kind of awesome.
It’s pretty great! We have different quirks and neuroses about our living spaces that make us drive each other crazy, so this way we can be near each other but still have our own spaces.
OR you could drill a hole through the upper flat and install a fireman pole and then you’ve got a giant place.
THIS ACTUALLY ISN’T THAT FAR OFF FROM OUR FUTURE PLANS???
Separate rooms/apartments is my dream. (Opposite ends of the block sounds even better.) Never tried living with a partner full time, pretty sure I’d have a hard time with it.
I have good friends who have been together for 27 years (I think? around that?). When they retired, they bought little houses side by side, which I think is totally brilliant. They say that they really need to NOT share a kitchen.
Can you tell me more? My man and I are contemplating this.
Sure! A few years back my partner came into a good amount of money and used it to go in with his brother on a four-flat. So it’s technically jointly owned by them both, I think. They each live in a unit, and they rent out the remaining two units to their respective friends. (Basically, my partner gets the top half and his brother gets the bottom half.)
At first, my partner was renting out the top apartment to a friend of his, but that friend decided to buy a condo and move out; I was living about a half-mile away at the time, so I was in walking distance, but we thought it’d be a good opportunity for me to move in above him. For us, the pros are thus:
1) We get to see each other very frequently, without having to walk through a sometimes-sketchy neighborhood.
2) We each get our own space, which is important because:
2a) Partner likes to throw large parties, which are fun but I’m more introverted and need a quiet place to hide sometimes. Now I can retreat without having to leave the building entirely.
2b) While neither of us are neat freaks, we’re very particular about very different aspects of cleaning in ways that makes both of us batty. I lived in his apartment for a month when I first moved to the city, and it was a huge strain on the relationship – even though it was a temporary arrangement with a defined end date.
2c) We’re polyamorous, so having separate living/sleeping spaces makes bringing home dates easier.
3) We’re in this for the long haul, and this makes us feel more like a family.
The downside is that, because my name is not on the mortgage, technically I am a tenant and he’s my landlord, which can cause complications in the relationship. So far it hasn’t, but I think that’s because our relationship allows us to be more accommodating/understanding. Like, if I’m having money troubles and need to give in my rent check a little late, he’s not going to sweat it because he’s privy to the details of what’s causing the delay. Conversely, if parts of the house are in need of repair, I don’t get too upset about it because I know that my partner isn’t spending my rent money on luxury crap; he’s living in it with me, and he’s got student loans to pay like me, and we’re all just trying to get by. (Although I do at times think he has a higher tolerance for disrepair than I do – insert “bachelor squalor” stereotype here.)
Overall it’s worked out well.
My now-husband and I had been dating for a couple years before we moved in together. We’ve been living together for about 6 or 7 years at this point. I definitely do not hate him and enjoy living together. Here are the things that I think are important to discuss in advance, based on my experience. You may have covered these items already.
* Finances: How are you going to split costs (50/50 or proportional based on income)? How much do you feel comfortable spending on groceries, eating out, household costs, decorating, etc? How do you want to handle big expenses? Are you a saver or a spender? What are your long term goals, financially?
* Housework/chores – this is HUGE. How clean do you want your place to be? How do you want to divide the work? Are there any chores that either of you absolutely hates to do (my husband HATES packaging leftovers. I can not stand to put away the vacuum cleaner. Life is a rich tapestry). How do you feel about potentially paying someone to do housecleaning or handyman work if it comes to that?
* MEALS – who will handle meal planning and prep? How often do you want to eat out or do takeout? Do you expect a fancy home-cooked meal every night, or do you like to occasionally forage? I am still trying to convince my husband that cereal for dinner is a viable, winning strategy.
* Entertaining – how frequently/how do you each like to entertain? How often do you want to have guests over? Will you always entertain together, or might one of you like to occasionally have a night for “just” your specific friends?
* Alone time – how much time do you need to be by yourself, and how will you signal this to each other? How will you handle situations where one of you wants to be alone, but the other wants to be social?
* Daily routines – what are your morning routines/timelines for getting ready for work? How do you each like to unwind and decompress at the end of the day? What do you like to do on the weekend, especially weekend mornings? For example, do you like to get up and go on a Saturday morning while he likes to laze about (this can be a source of conflict)?
Good luck! Cohabitation can be so awesome! There’s nothing like having a nasty cold and having someone cook you dinner and bring you a laptop loaded with cat videos.
I thought you might like to know that the boy and I literally went through this entire list over the weekend. And it was very helpful, so, thanks very much!
i moved in with both guys i lived with after a year. i think it was enough time to know if we could live together, though the first one didn’t work out for overall life view differences. the second one, i think it took us 6 months to settle in and get used to each other.
i agree that it’s a lot to do when you don’t have much time behind you, and a lot easier to get into a place than get out of one with someone you’re breaking up with, so maybe suggest he sublet after he has to move and you can see where you’re at closer to a year in, maybe?
I made my poor girlfriend (now wife) wait a year and a half until I moved in with her. That was, in retrospect, KIND OF RIDICULOUS.
I took my desire to not be a “U-Haul lesbian” a liiiiittle too far.
After about 10 months the boy and I went on holiday for a week and after that he just sorta stuck around? The moment that decided it when I was going away for a week at some point and he decided to stay in my student room because it’d be too much trouble to move all his stuff back.
That said: we did wait to get a proper (rented) appartment until he also had a job, and had some good conversations about money and division of domestic tasks. We officially moved in together after 1.5 year, but we both subletted our former rooms for the first 6 months, just in case.
Oh, and I’m still very happy that I get to snuggle with him every evening! Going on 8 years now.
What I’ve learned from my personal experience: if things don’t work out (in either a whole relationship of just a shared-living-spaces way), are you going to be comfortable asking him to find somewhere else to live? Or are you like my younger self, who felt terrible guilt at the idea of “throwing out” someone you love?
I assume your boyfriend is a great, independent guy who’s already proven he can support himself or won’t have a huge meltdown on you (in a guilt-tripping way, not a more ordinary relationship-ending way), which is v. important for avoiding said guilt.
This is a really good point! Moving in together changes the relationship math more than you might expect. Before you live together, if one of you is not satisfied in the relationship, you might think, “We should stop seeing each other.” And you can just stop seeing each other! After you move in together, if you’re not satisfied, it turns into, “Yeah, this is kind of awful, but is it awful enough to justify moving/making him move?” (You might be able to tell, I once stayed with a dude for altogether too long, because it never seemed quite bad enough to deal with moving, until it really, really was bad enough!)
Yes, exactly. And I don’t mean to take such a negative outlook on paddlepickle’s relationship, but one of the most crucial aspects of a healthy relationship is knowing at all times that neither of you is trapped here. So before you move in, have that conversation about 1) how you’ll talk about things if you start feeling unhappy with the whole arrangement, and 2) your back-up housing plans if one of you decides this isn’t working out.
I could have used so much advice when I was 23, before my first and only live-in partner situation, but those two points alone would’ve been so, so helpful.
This is a very good point! One of my highest priorities is making sure that the situation has an easy out– we are likely to keep living with my current roommates, who are my best friend and his boyfriend, and my idea is we’d get a three bedroom so that if he and I break up, we can rent out the other room. And, he is definitely able to support himself so I’m not worried about it on that end.
That sounds like a really good arrangement!
It just depends on the people. My bf and I started dating Nov 2014 and he basically just moved in by Feb 2015. He lived in a place that was hard for me to come over because of the circumstances, so he spent almost all his time at my place. But yeah Feb we were drunk and he was like “wanna officially move in this summer” and I was like okay yeah sounds good. We got a place officially together last July and are still together.
So three months isn’t really that soon (to me). But I did get a testing period when I could have sent him packing with little guilt.
Ummm MrChouffe and I moved in together after having known each other precisely one week, and we are maybe not the best example, but it was definitely the right thing and five years later I definitely do not hate him even a little bit? I will say that there have been some significantly rocky times, but there always are in every relationship for a lot of reasons.
Think about deal-breakers–not necessarily in the sense of things that will make you break up, but maybe in the sense of things that you absolutely don’t want to live with. Dishes in the sink? Un-scooped cat litter? Toothpaste cap off? Twisted hair dryer cord? Sticky substances on shelving? and ask him to think of his. Figure out if these things are important to only one of you or to both of you, figure out a way to deal with that, and stick to it. That is, if your Thing is dishes in the sink but he literally could not care less about going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, you will have to make a choice that either A) this will always be you job and you can’t get crabby about that, or B) he will make more of an effort to make sure dishes are done before bed (knowing that this will still probably fall to you on some occasions; see A), or C) you can let it go. It is entirely possible that you don’t know this stuff yet, but you will, and you’ll talk about it and solve it.
I will say that life has gotten much, much easier now that MrChouffe has a better understanding of how ADHD has affected my spending of money and my housework, and now that I have a good understanding of how his depression can affect his behavior some days.
We moved in together after about 10 months (both in our mid-20s), because it felt right and my lease was up. I was basically living with him already, spending probably less than one night a week at my own apartment. Important considerations and talks, for me:
-We’d already spent long stretches of time together (it seemed important to have spent at least a few weekends all up in each other’s space, or gone on vacation together, or similar)
-We were both aware of things we found annoying about the other, i.e., we were past the initial rush of EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS GREAT
-I was moving into his place, so we talked about steps that would make me feel like it was our place, instead of like his place that I was a guest at (like him moving some of his stuff out of the closet, where my furniture would go, moving some of the rooms around)
-I made sure that I had the funds to move into a new place by myself on short notice (we agreed that he would keep the apartment if we split up)
-How we would split expenses (proportionate to income, in our case), and what expenses we would split (e.g., I’m a vegetarian and he’s not, so we buy food separately)
-We’d already talked about the future of the relationship – if we wanted kids/pets, if we wanted to stay in the city we were in, rough timelines on life changes, stuff like that
-The idea of making a home together gave us warm fuzzies.
It’s been really great, except that we sometimes get into enabling cycles where we never, ever put our laundry away. Really, though, it’s been much more a source of support than it has been of stress, which I think is the goal, so try to reflect on what that means to you. If you need a few more months to feel more sure that that’s what you’ll get, wait; if you’re ready, then go (but do talk about what you would do if it doesn’t work out).
After about six, seven months. We were on opposite ends of a major city, about an hour’s transit or car ride, so we were only seeing each other on weekends, but wanted to spend more time together. So we were doing one or two weeknights each week and it was straining us hardcore. SO, when my contract ended and I became funemployed, he said “You know you could stay with me if you wanted” and I sublet out my apartment and did exactly that. (And did a lot of visiting of family, for family reasons, so it all just kinda worked out nicely.)
After the three-month sublet trial-period was up and I got my apartment back, I was working 95% remotely, and things had been going well, so it was pretty natural to give up my place.
I strongly recommend the one-, two-, three-month trial run if at all possible. Maybe word it as “You can move in with me after you’re out of your place, and we’ll try it out, and if it doesn’t work after X months you have to look for a place”? Or is that too setting-up-for-failure-y?
My little suggestion would be that when you are picking places to look at, it may save you some trouble down the line if you give a liiiiiittle thought to “what happens if this doesn’t work out?” So for example, you might try to find a place one or the other of you would be able to afford if the other one were no longer in the picture, or where you could bring in a new roommate if one of you moved out. Don’t fall in love with the one bedroom apartment that’s a bit of a stretch even with both of you paying the rent! This will keep you from having to send questions to Captain Awkward about living in the apartment together if you break up.
We moved in together after 8 or 9 months, for similar reasons. It was early, but worked out for us so far. We lucked out because we knew we had a plan in place if it didn’t work out, we wouldn’t be stuck in the same apartment for months on end.
Okay hi so I’m a weirdo on this one.
My current beau and I moved in before we were dating, because he suddenly lost his housing/I had a spare room/ I had always lived with men and friend and it had never been weird.
This one I just ended up dating. So really, we’ve been living together since before we were dating, and it worked out! I think it just accelerates the finding-out-if-ur-compatible process.
We had no formal conversations about it, except “hey if ur gonna make this move with me/we’re going to sign a lease then maybe we should be official?” REALLY THIS SHOULD HAVE GONE TERRIBLY, I DON’T KNOW HOW IT DIDN’T
Anyway, it was a crapshoot, but he moved to SF with me, we signed a lease together on a 300 sq ft studio and it really worked out. Now he does my laundry and cooks and is really good at getting the smell out when my cat pees on my clothes (which is more often than I care to admit). So that’s really good, is what I’m saying.
That is my situation too, except it’s not really going so well.
Oof, I’m sorry to hear that. Like I said, it’s a crapshoot and I guess I got lucky.
Good luck getting your housing/dating situation in a place that’s going better
yeah it turns out my first impulse, “now that we’re dating I’ll be moving out” was correct! Lesson: trust yo self.
It me.
Reader, I married him (less than a year later).
It sounds crazy when I hear myself tell someone else what we did but it felt right then and we are still together and happy sooooo eh who cares, haters gonna hate or whatever.
This is terrifying! I hate the idea of moving in with a SO. I think about my past relationships and realize I would have died having to share my space with that person. I really like living in my own, having my own schedule, my own room and my own bed. (I do live in a shared house now, and my roommates are lovely and do not annoy me, but also I am not dating them.)
I’ve decided when I get married I want to be like Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, separate houses right next door.
Maybe make that the only way you’re like Frida and Diego (well maybe that and both being brilliant and creative), their relationship sounds like it was grueling torture much of the time (at least for her).
East/West LA separation is the pits. I used to live in Angeleno Heights/Echo Park and have to get to the Western-most part of Santa Monica. NO THANKS.
My partner and I moved in together basically about three months in. He was in Seattle, I was in LA. We’d had an established friendship prior to getting involved but it was still pretty fast. He basically came for a visit one day and… stayed. So that happened. I still haven’t kicked him out and it’s been five years, so, it wasn’t a disaster.
Also. As a woman or femme-identifying person, if you are hooking up with a het dude, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE what his social training and yours will do to both of your expectations with regard to keeping house, maintaining house, and doing domestic chores. I am as toothed and clawed a misandrist as they come and unapologetically queer, and yet, I found myself drowning under becoming a 1950s housewife because… reasons(?!?), the second I set up household with a bio boy. You might not have such issues, but I know other femme type people who had the same mindfuck with which to contend. (And my sincerest apologies if my assumption that you are female is incorrect! I assume that a lot around here, and no offense is intended.)
What I wish we had negotiated or discussed:
dirt threshold,
chaos versus order,
how loudly people think and how much alone time they need,
specific chores,
pet discipline,
sleep schedules,
expectations around meals and shopping,
what constitutes being a good roommate,
aesthetic and future art/furniture,
entertaining and stay-over guests,
care for a sick partner,
life goals with regard to home (rental, ownership, location), and
long term expectations of the relationship.
We did eventually have to talk out all of that, and some of it is a moving target and you have to revisit once you are in the moment and stuff is happening. We’re still negotiating a lot of it.
Good luck! I am sure you will rock it. It sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into this and that’s the main thing.
This is very good analysis but I just want to gently point out that us butches and mascs are just as likely to be the defaulting-to-housewife role folks in relationships, and also, trans men and femme men can still do the total sloppy dude thing about it, and also, so can femmes of any stripe. Hetropatriarchy can reproduce itself in any setting and it makes me a little uncomfortable when people use femme/butch as though they were analogues to woman/man!
Love,
A butchy ol shorthair who just cleaned up after the enormous mess their trans high femme housemate left in the bathroom, while a gentle cis boy who is just visiting just did all our dishes just cause.
if you are hooking up with a het dude, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE what his social training and yours will do to both of your expectations with regard to keeping house, maintaining house, and doing domestic chores. I am as toothed and clawed a misandrist as they come and unapologetically queer, and yet, I found myself drowning under becoming a 1950s housewife because… reasons(?!?), the second I set up household with a bio boy.
Goddamnit, are you me?
How is it that I am cooking dinner every damn night?
Thank you for all these excellent points! And, I am indeed a woman, but fortunately my boy is queer and trans so had at least 16 years of social conditioning to do his own damn dishes ;).
We dove in a different way by going on a trip around the world together for a year after six months of dating (and not living together). Hoooo boy! If you can travel together, you can do anything.
My and my husband’s timeline:
Summer 2009: Our casual acquaintanceship turns into friendship, friendship quickly turns into a FWB situation (we also live in different cities for much of this time)
June 2010: He moves back to the city I live in, we decide to “officially” date
Early August 2010: I make clear that my plan has been and is still to move and attend university when I start in the fall, and while I’m very interested in him, I’m not very interested in a LTR, so…??? And he reponds, !!!
Late August 2010: We both get jobs in the city my university is in, we move into our first apartment together
September 2010: He proposes on my 21st birthday, I accept
July 2011: We get married!
March 2016: We’re still married! We don’t hate each other at all!
So yeah, I don’t know, I know I freaked out A LOT of my friends and family when I moved in with/got engaged to someone I’d technically only been dating for like three months. Additionally, I’d never lived with a significant other before (which, in retrospect, if I were my friend I would have been like, “GIRL. FOR REAL?” too) — but I think I was young and in love enough to not even be very nervous about that aspect; it was all heart-eyes and making a home together and crazy sex and planning a wedding and settling in to my new job and schoolwork, and by the time that new craziness wore off, we’d pretty much figured out How to Live Together. I attribute the success of our speed-of-light relationship progression to a) being very, very lucky that we’re so compatible with each other and fairly easy to live with generally, b) communicating A LOT, ALL THE TIME, and c) being the kind of people who believe that relationships take work, but there is a joy and a goodness in that work. Like, living together sucks sometimes, straight up. I have had regrets about missing out on more of the university experience, dating around more as an adult, etc. We’ve gone through some insanely hard times in our relationship and in our lives. But all of that, in the long run, is worth what we have: a partnership that is happy, strong, loving, and safe. And maybe we would have still had that if we had done everything differently — had a LTR while I finished college, moved in together purely out of thoughtful desire and not one bit out of circumstance, waited a “sensible” amount of time to get married, etc. — but who knows? Maybe we wouldn’t. I’m glad things happened the way they did.
How long is appropriate? Judging from the advice here, literally any length of time. Beyond time, how do you know? You just know, which is terrible advice. I knew I loved my husband and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life very quickly, and once I knew that it seemed incredibly silly to me to draw things out for propriety’s sake. What conversations did we have? ALL OF THE CONVERSATIONS. I would guess by now you know how to communicate with your partner, so just keep on keeping on; it’s great that you’ve had good talks already, and I would suggest continuing those great talks about your needs, what you envision living together looking like in the day to day, what your big-picture plans are, how you see household finances working out, what your expectations for guests/pets/family/events are, how housework will be divided, and so on. But so much of that stuff comes up in the moment and can’t always be planned for, so just nurture your relationship and have a solid communication style set up so that you can discuss issues as they arise with as much grace and love as possible.
Good luck! I’m wishing you all the best.
My now-fiancee and I moved in together after a year and a half(ish) of dating, though that was primarily motivated by the fact we moved across the country together so she could go to grad school.
We talked just about everything to death before moving, and I think it was essentially beneficial in the longterm–just moving was a big enough decision for us that we really didn’t want to mess up moving in together on top of it. The one thing I wish we hadn’t done is adhere so closely to making all our finances completely equitable (as in, collecting receipts and adding everything up every couple months to see which of us spent less/owed the other one money to make things “fair”), since it caused more stress and upset than it was really worth.
Move in together when you want to move in together. Pay attention to any red flags in your interactions, of course, but don’t let other people’s potential disapproval deter you from doing it if it feels right to you.
Caveat: My husband and I (still blissfully married after almost thirteen years) moved in together less than two months after our first date (and about 2 months after meeting one another) and got married after knowing one another less than a year. This apparently runs in the family–my parents were engaged three days after they met and are still happily married after 40-some years.
I can offer perspective from when it didn’t work out! Ex-beau and I had been going strong for a year when we moved in together, to the point where we were spending nearly every night together, buying groceries together, etc. Make sure you are honest with yourself and with each other about what living together does and does not mean to each of you in the context of the relationship. I think my ex and I did not do a great job of that, and when he finally understood I was in a different place he balked at the additional commitment. So not only are the logistical expectations of sharing a home important, I encourage you to discuss what sharing your life in this way may or may not mean for your relationship in the longer term. Best of luck, whatever you decide!
So we were dating for about six months, and I was in the process of looking to buy a house with my sister (whom I was living with at the time). The guy I was dating, now my husband, suggested that we start looking for a home together instead. He acknowledged that it seemed kind of quick, but I have to emphasize that you don’t know if you can co-habitate until you co-habitate! It’s simply a truth.
I firmly believe there are people you can easily live with and those you cannot, (kind of like whether or not you’ll have good sexual chemistry with someone) so you’d better figure it out sooner rather than later. Sometimes you are not so compatible in a living situation, and sadly love cannot overcome that. It’s not bad or good, it’s simply “What are you willing it give up?” and sometimes the compromise is too great for whatever the benefit is. Not to end this in a depressing fashion, it sounds like you are good with having conversations about things, that’s a GREAT start. Communication is key, even though it sounds so boring. We’ve been together for 13 years, got married a few months after we moved in together because he pragmatically needed health insurance. Sometimes pragmatism & love meld together to turn a relationship into something fantastic, where 1 + 1 = 5, that’s what I firmly believe. You two *together* must be better than separately single. He makes me laugh when sometimes I get too serious, I keep him focused when he is all-over-the-place. Good luck!
For myself at least after a big learning experience in college, I wouldn’t ever move in with a romantic partner unless I intended to never move out. I see moving in as not a “trial” for living together but phase one of “we’re going to see each other all the time until we die” and as a result I wouldn’t move in with someone without talking that part through- and figuring out what we want out of our relationship. If you are scared to talk about “where is this whole thing going?” or you are not sure if you want to marry that person, I would recommend not moving in together yet. Having been there it’s really hard to decide that kind of thing once you are both at risk of losing your home if you break-up, it makes the stakes higher than they need to be. I don’t necessarily think you should wait 50 years to move in, but less than a year would be soon to me.
My other reasoning on this is that it’s nice living on your own. Falling in love is a countdown on who you are as a single agent in the world. It’s easy to be romantic when your laundry and dishes live in different houses. Its harder to be in a romantic relationship when it includes a roommate relationship too, and that aspect, of being in a team is something you have to adjust to. You have to check that if you eat that yogurt in the fridge someone else isn’t going to miss breakfast. You have to text if you don’t come home at the time they thought you would. There’s more work you have to do once you share a house with your partner. And the first year is a lot of sorting that out. It’s kind of a big thing, and I guess I wouldn’t want to use up the warm fuzzies of the first romantic year of love on all that long haul stuff.
We were coast to coast long distance for a year, then I moved to him and we’ve been living together for about 6 months? I love him lots and lots, but also we still are working out all the chores and expectations around guests and how we spend our together and apart time. We also discussed our individual desires on kids and marriage and careers before we decided to do this move- to me it wasn’t worth it to quit my job, move across the country unless I knew he wasn’t going come up with some “yeah, I definitely love you but, I just don’t know about the concept of ‘commitment’ “. So far so good.
Reading thread! What have you been reading this week?
I just finished reading The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by NK Jemisin. I really liked it. I’m excited about reading the next two books, though I’m kind of sad that it sounds like Yeine and Nahadoth aren’t the main protagonists.
I just started The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms! I am liking it so far.
I’ve started it as well and for some reason I’m having a hard time getting into it. The same thing happened with The Fifth Season, which I ended up absolutely loving, so I’m just going to keep pushing forward and I’m sure I’ll be hooked soon 🙂
I found the audio version a lot easier to get into–the narrator is terrific.
No spoilers, but they both make appearances in the other books. 🙂
Yay! 🙂
I’ve literally read nothing this week except fanfiction downloaded to my phone, even though I have books aplenty to read. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I just started reading Orlando by Virginia Woolf. It is my first Woolf work that I’ve read, and it’s… interesting? She’s considerably more florid than I generally like my fiction. I like the inclusion of the historical paintings and stuff in the text, though.
Orlando is one of the only Woolf novels I’ve read, and it took me a long time to get into it, but then I really, really liked it. It is definitely interesting and the love letter aspects did endear it to me.
I wish she’d use more paragraph breaks. Also it seems like she says the same thing three different ways in rapid succession, when one would do.
I’m…not a fan of Woolf (to put it mildly). I just kind of loathe stream of consciousness? BUT. Orlando is so NUTS in terms of plot that it doesn’t even matter, and I super like it! Also, there is a movie with Tilda Swinton, so.
I am reading Midnight at the Pera Palace by Charles King which is about the early years of the Turkish Republic. And also Istanbul Noir because why not maintain a theme with my reading materials.
Other than Italo Calvino, does anyone have recommendation for fabulist/surreal/experimental fiction?
I just finished Signs Preceding the End of the World by Yuri Herrera (translated by Lisa Dillman), which fits the surreal/experimental bill. It’s a short novel following a young woman, presumably from Mexico, as she crosses the border, presumably into the United States, in search of her brother. It’s a bit distant and hallucinatory, and beautifully written.
That sounds right up my alley. Thanks!
I love Jemisin so so so much. I could squee about her books all day long. (Yeine and Nahadoth *aren’t* the main for the rest of the series, but they ARE present.)
I’m probably going to tackle her newest The Fifth Season soonish. I’m kind of between books right now though and I really need something short and easy and fluffy, so I’m thinking first I’ll read Meg Cabot’s Remembrance and relive my sixteen-year-old era crush on a fictional ghost.
The Fifth Season is so great!
The Fifth Season is AMAZING.
Wait, there’s a new Mediator book? How did I miss this??
There is! It just came out in February. I am surprisingly Very Excited about it- I know she writes a bazillion series but that was the one that I got really into.
Just third-ing The Fifth Season — so, so, good. The next one will be out in August, and I cannot wait!
I’ve been kind of wondering if I should put off The Fifth Season til nearer the sequel, but I’m not sure I can wait that long. I already feel kind of guilty for putting it off as long as I have.
Sofia Samatar’s new one, The Winged Histories. Read it if you are prepared to be torn to shreds by gorgeous misery.
I was torn to shreds by A Stranger in Olondria last year; I don’t know if I’m ready yet. (But she’s a guest of honor at WisCon this year, so I’m going to have her sign my copy and probably burble at her incoherently for a while, like you do.)
Ah, lucky you! Happy burbling!
p.s. IT’S SO GOOD IT’S SO GOOD IT’S SO GOOD
OMG there’s a new one? I am on it. A Stranger in Olondria was so unbelievably good.
I just started the second Cormoran Strike book. I liked the first one (though it had its flaws), but I’m not getting into the second one. Why is it so important that Robin is so good looking? And can we please have books where there is absolutely no sexual tension between people who are supposed to be just friends? Ugh.
I had problems aplenty with that one, but an easier time with the third. I’m beginning to think critically (to put it mildly) about Rowling’s female characters.
I’m almost done with by Lagoon by Nnedi Okorafor, which I like, but don’t love (I preferred Who Fears Death). But I want to recommend basically everything NK Jemisin has written. The third novel in the Inheritance Trilogy is probably my least favorite, but I loved both Dreamblood books and The Fifth Season.
Who Fears Death is so fucking good I kind of feel like it would be a lot to expect all her other books to live up to it. Which is to say: I agree with you! I read Who Fears Death twice in 4 months, and I usually have a much longer turnaround on re-reads.
Have you read The Book of the Phoenix yet? It’s the prequel to Who Fears Death and how the world burned. It’s really good, but like most of her adult books, pretty bleak. (Her YA books tend to be a little less traumatizing.)
I just finished Cryoburn, which was fun and fairly light right up until it broke my damn heart.
RIGHT? That last line before the epilogue is such a gut punch. And then the epilogue…
Oh man, I’m in the middle of a comfort re-read of the entire Vorkosignan saga and Cryoburn is two books away. Maybe I’ll just re-re-read A Civil Campaign again?
Very mild Cryoburn spoiler ahead, NOT for the ending!
So I liked it, but I don’t think I found the main story particularly light. I found it really interesting, though, as a contrast to Komarr in that you get a POV character who really really hopes Miles will do an amazing rescue, and Miles… doesn’t, at least not in the way the character wants.
You’re right, light probably isn’t the right word. Safe, maybe? There were lots of big ideas and interesting things to think about. But I’m never worried about the characters in Vorkosigan. Everything always turns out okay.
Oh yes, that I definitely agree with. I didn’t have any sense that Miles was at risk. But the secondary characters… you know, reading Komarr even the first time, I didn’t have any sense that Ekaterin was at risk, I sympathised with how difficult her situation was and how beaten down she felt but it was so clear to me that the trajectory of the book is that Miles would be the man who Finally Appreciated Her. But with the kids in Cryoburn… things definitely end up turning out okay for them, but it isn’t because Miles takes them in the way he did with everyone he met in the earlier books.
I finished Ancillary Justice and bought the two sequels before I even got all the way to the end (started the second one last night). No idea why I resisted it for so long: it is both awesome and completely up my alley.
I love those books!
There are TWO sequels?! *dies* I found it hard to get into the book at first but I enjoyed it by the end.
There are, although they are pretty different from the first one — very good, but not as clockwork construction.
Just finished Girl Waits With Gun, I was a fan!
The Three Musketeers is my slow read! And communion by bell hooks, which is going by really fast. My friends and I keep circling around desiring love and one of em recced it. It’s like whoa.
I finished Tell the Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt yesterday – I liked it, but not as much as I had hoped. Like it was definitely a pageturner (and tearjerker) but something was “off”, and I can’t put my finger on it. hmmm.
Currently reading: just started The Book of Aron by Jim Shepard. I love Shepard’s short stories but haven’t read any of his novels, so I’m looking forward to this one! it’s also one of the shorter ToB picks this year, so hopefully I can finish before it is judged.
After that will be NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman, for my book club.
I was reading The Book of Aron when you posted this, have finished it now. (In tears.) It was my first Jim Shepard anything, and I’m sold.
I’ve just started listening to The Tsar of Love and Techno, which it’s up against, and I can tell already I’ll be sad about leaving behind which of the two doesn’t progress.
Ohhh, I better get those tissues ready then… 🙁 If you’re interested in his short stories, I thought Like You’d Understand, Anyway was a great collection.
(ngl, I not-so-secretly hope that Tsar wins the whole thing.)
I’m still holding out for The Sellout, but I have several hours left for Tsar to convince me.
Thanks for the collection recommendation – I’ll check it out!
It is dorky, but I have been devouring an ExamCram text for CompTIA’s A+ computer technician certification. I take the first test next week, and the second the week after! I’m excite?
Not as much fun as fiction but v. v. useful.
As someone who just finished hundreds of pages of literary theory, I share the joy of learning stuff!
It’s especially good when it’s directly connected to Life Goals! In this case, getting an IT job and finishing my bachelors via zooming thru a very up-to-date online college that requires the cert to admit me.
Plus it’s nice to know what things are actually called, besides “the flat cable for the fan” etc.
Rosemary: The Hidden Kennedy Daughter by Kate Clifford Larson. It was incredibly depressing.
I just finished “Ways to Disappear” — and it was really beautiful. The book is ~250 pages long — but it is a VERY fast 250 pages. There are one and two page chapters, pages with just a single dictionary entry — and it weirdly frustrated me because it felt like the book was unneccessarily trying to puff itself out? IDK that doesn’t exactly make sense — but my point is, the writing itself was lovely and poetic and I really enjoyed reading it. I think this is not a good book to read in spurts, but instead, to finish in a single afternoon over a few hours because then it feels almost like you are reading a long poem.
I finished Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. It was okay but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it to anyone else.
I’ve been trying to start Margaret Atwood’s new book (a friend of mine got me a signed copy for Christmas) but I’ve been too mentally exhausted from work to actually start reading it. Going to try this weekend.
A couple days ago I finished The Kingdom of Childhood by Rebecca Coleman, about a female Waldorf school teacher who has an affair with a student, and while the writing was good, the ending didn’t seem to cohere very well. Now I’m back to my true crime marathon with On the Farm, which is already horrifying at page 26! :/
I’ve been going on a spree through Lisa Gardner’s Detective D.D. Warren series on audiobook. They are solid thrillers with good character development and some surprising twists, which is just what I like in an audiobook.
I am finally finishing Postwar: A History of Europe Since 1945 by Tony Judt. It is well written and fills in a lot of holes in my understanding of Europe, but man it is a long slog.
We are like 20 pages from the end of Peter Barry’s amazing Beginning Theory which is an undergraduate introduction to the many and varied branches of literary theory, with real examples of the theories in action & a very healthy dose of snark. I still have no idea if we are going to try to go to grad school, but if so this is just the book we need to take the English GRE. Plus it is remarkably *soothing* because it is so detached from the actual issues in our life right now.
I am not sure what is going to be up next — we have a book of Alice Munro short stories but nobody is actually picking it up, we’re just kind of eyeing it sideways. Cassandra tried starting The Sun Also Rises because she loved For Whom The Bell Tolls but it just reeks of male entitlement and we are only two chapters in, so… maybe not.
The Sun Also Rises is inextricably linked with Lyle Lovett’s song, Cryin’ Shame, in my head. They’re basically the same, so you could just listen to the song instead of reading the book. (Full disclosure: I have a lot of nostalgia love for this song and Lyle Lovett in general, because my parents listened to him all the time when I was little, but the older I get, the more I realize how misogynistic his music is. My mom swears it’s ironic, but I don’t think so.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWCVHEYQMzQ
*goes to listen to song*
*listens to song*
Yes, that was remarkably like the first 25 pages of The Sun Also Rises but it only took 2 minutes and 36 seconds of my life! I think we may go with your suggested plan. 🙂
I’ve really loved everything Jemisin has written but Fifth Season really secured her as my new favourite fantasy/sci fi author. She is just SO GOOD. I know I’m going to devour everything she ever writes forever.
I just finished Robin Hobb’s Tawny Man trilogy and am going to wait until 2017 to pick up the next trilogy in that world (since the final book is out that year and I won’t have to do a reread to remember everything I’ve forgotten). So for now I have three options for my next book:
Kindred by Octavia Butler
The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu
The Cuckoo’s Calling by “Robert Galbraith”
I’m leaning towards TBP because it had some great reviews, but welcome advice on where to start!
Three-Body Problem is fascinating, but has a lot of issues common to hard science fiction. The characterizations are a bit thin, and (especially in the 2nd book in the series) the treatment of woman could be better.
But it’s ambitious and for me was worth it to read, especially since I enjoyed reading a popular Chinese science fiction book.
KINDRED IS SO SO SO SO GOOD and also incredibly hard to read. I needed to just stop at points and stare into space.
Seconding everything here. It has the added benefit of being shorter than TBP (I finished it in one sitting).
Yeah, at one point I flipped forward almost 80 pages because I had to know that something would be resolved and how it would be resolved before I could start reading about it.
Oh my god, yes. I read that at the beginning of the year and I had to sit down one morning and read through the rest of it because it was haunting me when I wasn’t reading it. Still think about it on an almost-weekly basis.
Another vote for Kindred!
I’m reading Starborn by Lucy Hounsom which I picked up because it was buy one get one half price, and it had a really pretty cover (I am shallow). It’s…uh…it’s…well, we’ve had a Ceremony (The Inheritance Ceremony, with the Relic – all actually capitalised in the book) and a Seventeen Year Old Heroine Who Hates Dresses, and a Bitchy Feminine Nemesis, and a Childhood Friend Suitor, and a Magical Discovery, and I’m only like 60 pages in. I think this one is going to be strictly by the book.
Meh. I have been in a k-hole of misery with job stuff and frantically researching some things that are out of my expertise area. Thusly, I have been reading a couple of Maureen Ryan books about film production and budgets. I am about to console myself with something I just indulgently impulse-bought on Amazon, by Michael Rabiger. Something something Film Techniques and Aesthetics. Why do I impulse-buy random books I do not really need and could probably just get at the library when what I desperately need is clothes? What is wrong with me?
ah, same!!! It’s way too easy to let the amazon and iTunes purchases just add up, when I COULD have bought clothes or shoes with that cumulative amount!
I am reading Le Guin’s Omnibus Worlds of Exile and Illusion. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations because I was expecting it to be all “Feminist RARWR!” and instead it is all “Dude does some stuff on a distant planet in the distant future” meh-ness.
I just finished Fifteen Dogs, which I found very charming and enjoyable (though often sad). I am just finishing up The Mare which I like, but I’m not completely sold on? I can’t quite put my finger on what’s not quite sitting right with me, but it is delighting my inner horse girl to be reading a horse book since my entire childhood was reading horse books.
I just finished reading Carry On by Rainbow Rowell a few days ago and now I don’t know what to do with myself. It was so cute! And happy! And adorable! The Harry Potter we deserved, with LGBT and POC characters! Ah, I die.
Anyway I’ll probably just turn to fic for a week or so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Has anyone read her new one yet? I don’t know anything about it, but I’ve loved every Rowell to pieces, so I’m excited to get ahold of it.
Just finished Under the Banner of Heaven and Meredith Baxter’s Untied (which… both good but both making me feel pretty bleak about humanity/ shit men do and get away with). Started All The Bright Places over my lunch break.
I finally bought and read a copy of Haunting of Hill House! I really enjoyed it. It was very creepy and psch-mo-logical, muchly enjoyed. Although the intro mentioned the horrible 1999 film version (it said, do not watch this version) and now I remember that I SAW that and it was SUCH CRAP. I wish it could have remained blocked from my memory. UGH. HOLLYWOOD STAHP.
The most disappointing thing about the move version is that Lili Taylor is such good casting for Nell. The movie was not worthy of her (either the character or actress).
I finished Nnedi Okorafor’s Who Fears Death and it was magnificent.
Currently iistening to Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I’ve just read fantasy novella The Pauper Prince and the Eucalyptus Jinn by Usman Malik and really liked it. Freely available at: http://www.tor.com/2015/04/22/the-pauper-prince-a…
I’m rereading Emma Bull’s War for the Oaks, which is delightful and beautifully written fey-fantasy set in a band group in Minneapolis in the 80’s.
I’m about to finish The Dew Breaker and it’s so good. Due to all the recs here, I think The Fifth Season will be one of the books I let myself buy when I get through the stack (down to two) I told myself I had to finish before I could buy more. Looking forward to it 🙂
I’ve spent a large part of my free time Post-Carol pouring over The Talented Miss Highsmith: The Secret Life and Serious Art of Patricia Highsmith and it’s something I highly recommend to anyone interested in her or her work. Also reading She’s a Rebel: The History of Women in Rock & Roll for research purposes.
I just finished listening to Shockaholic by Carrie Fisher and I’m very much looking forward to starting Sarah Vowell’s Unfamiliar Fishes tonight.
Lastly, the new Seanan McGuire novel, next month’s Toast Book Club reading and the second volume of Sex Criminals are all waiting for me at the library. EXCITE.
I’m in the middle of Carry On by Rainbow Rowell. The first 150 felt like a lot of setup and waiting, but things are picking up and I’m into the characters and setting.
Next up is Helen Oyeyemi’s new book of short stories, What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours.
I’m reading Candide for maybe the fourth time? But this is the first time I’m actually enjoying it – I think because it’s the first time I’ve read it in English for about 5 years, so I can actually read a chapter all at once. I’m finding it surprisingly funny? Usually the relentlessness of all the Bad Stuff just gets me down and I give up, but I’m really getting into it this time.
Books about weird, artistic families! How to Write a Novel by Melanie Sumner and The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson. I enjoyed them both, although both have some pretty big caveats and both border on precious at points (but the kind of precious that works for me, weird precious.
Also Black Chalk, because I will apparently buy anything if you compare it to The Secret History. Nah, it wasn’t awful, but it was pretty meh and contrived at points, I thought.
Hundred Thousand Kingdoms is one of the few books that I finished, then immediately started again. Loved it.
But Sieh was my favorite.
Longest shot ever but, are there any Toasties in Singapore?
Also my standing bow was so deep today this one guy at bikram class did a cartoonish double take when he saw it. What was your sports achievement of the week?
Not in Singapore but that’s where my entire extended family is! But I don’t think any of them are Toasties, sadly…
Ha! Let me know if you ever make it here; your hawker stand wanton mee is on me (it rhymed!).
i’ve been *nailing* half moon lately, which is a pose i thought i would always be garbage at. [HIGH FIVE]
Oh that is a high five! It took me four years to actually be okay at that. Do you perchance have really tight shoulders?
nah, i think my shoulders are even on the open side. it’s been a strength thing for me, and with strength has come balance, and the confidence to really extend through the back leg and feel solid.
also i just looked up standing bow (i’m clueless about bikram) and HOLY SHIT DUDE. extra double high five!
Oh how I envy you and your open shoulders. I’m usually one of the few people in class who can’t put their forehead on the floor before their arms in half-tortoise.
My favourite thing about learning to lock my knee and strengthen my standing leg is that I don’t get tired standing around in concerts anymore.
Not in S’pore but my mother’s family is across the way in KL! Let’s get a milo-dinosaur next time I’m in the area.
Well Clarice The Terrible Truck is dead. Now I have to go buy a new car.
and by new I mean least decrepit used car I can find. Fortunately there’s a dozen early 90’s ford rangers on craigslist everyday for 1-2k so if all else fails. Though now I’m stuck weighing the utility of another small truck or station wagon or something with cargo space vs something really tiny.
In related news I bought a bike lock and took my bike out for the first time in ages, which was a lot of fun, and almost got sunburnt which wasn’t
That makes me miss my old lunchbox style Jeep.
Farewell, Clarice. Happy trails.
Toast, it has been a weird few days of being super on edge because good things might be happening, but I don’t want to let myself get excited so that I won’t be too horribly crushed in case they end up not happening after all. So it’s like “???? can I be happy about this or” because what if things fall through?
After viewing a bunch of lackluster apartments (pro tip: don’t use photos of a 2nd-floor unit with a massive deck to advertise a basement unit, if you do this people will absolutely despise you forever) my husband and I saw a really great condo. Sent in our rental application form, proofs of income, etc. and the owner wrote back “I would love to rent my place to you” but also that she’s out of town and she’ll call in a few days to “review” our application. That’s not a 100% yes and while the rational part of me is sure there are just formalities that need to be checked off the list, my lizardbrain is going “What if she calls our current landlord and finds out that we clogged the toilet that one time and decides not to rent to us???” It’s a beautiful place with many, many improvements over our current apartment and way better than what we’ve seen so far.
Also, I heard back about the job I interviewed for last month, but… I have no idea what the email actually means. It’s from an HR person I haven’t spoken to before and it says that I “meet the criteria for screening” (which I already knew since I got an interview) and that they will “advise me in the near future of the next phase of the process.” I was told at the interview that they were only doing one round of interviews and no written test or anyhing, so what IS the next phase? Is this a very stealthy job offer? Tentative job offer conditional on passing a background check or something? I need more to go on here.
I just don’t have the intestinal fortitude right now to deal with this kind of uncertainty, I want to know if it’s safe to start thinking of furniture I can buy for my new apartment and counting down the days until the end of my tenure here at Crap Job I’ve Been Trying To Escape For Two Years.
*takes to the sea*
I wonder if it’s a reference check. Where I work this is considered a full phase of hiring.
Good luck on both counts!
I guess so! But they’ve had my reference information since before the interview, so they wouldn’t need to notify me about that.
The ways of hiring managers are inscrutable and not for people such as me to understand.
I am right there with you on the “good things might be happening but WHAT IF THEY DON’T” front. It all sounds promising, though! Good luck parsing it out (and waiting for responses.)
Is this GoC? If so, then It’s not a coded job offer, sorry. It sounds like the standard “screened in” email, which (from your comment) is telling you that you scored high enough on the interview for them to bother with the reference check and/or security screening. Once you screen in on that, you should get another saying you’re in a pool (I think most Agencies and Departments are moving away from lists), Then there’s often the posted “notification of intent” (so that anyone who thinks they’re a better fit can challenge) and THEN comes the job offer.
And you heard within a month? That’s fast (and awesome). Good luck!
Cat thread? Cat thread!
Adele doesn’t see why I would need to get up and she does make a good point
This here is Lucinda, who I got 3 weeks ago. After spending the first 2 weeks hissing at everything, on Wednesday she decided to be sweet. She’s still very jumpy about sudden movements and being cornered, but is onto rubbing her face on mine.
There has been some chasing and hissing, but no big cat fights. I think that once they work out their boundaries, both little weirdos are going to get along quite well
CAT THREAD
I washed her favorite comforter, and it took her seven hours to forgive me. She is still angry in this picture, hence the Airplane Ears.
Lucinda! Another Toastie Tortie!
Here is Majinpuh, wishing I would leave her along and let her nap, damnit.
She looks like a kangaroo with a cat’s head!
CAT Q: One of my spoiled cats has recently gotten much worse about yowling at about 6am. I’m slowly moving their dinnertime back so eventually it will be just before bedtime, and playing with them before dinner and wearing them out, but I just cannot take the 6am yowling any more.
I’m not responding to it or acknowledging it at all, and I read that there’s an adjustment period, but is there light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever sleep past 6am again?
i wish i had an answer for this, but it only happened when my last cats were older. the one who did it was deaf, and yowling is a thing deaf cats do. i did the bedtime snack thing, and even bought grain-free kibble to throw an early snack in her bowl so i could sleepwalk back to bed until her real breakfast time.
Yeah, mine are young (they’ll be 3 this summer), and the noisy one is ALWAYS noisy, it’s just that she’s focusing her noisemaking efforts at 6am on the other side of my bedroom door. I want to stay away from feeding them more than I really need to, but UGH. Sometimes I wish cats could just speak English like I keep pretending they do!
i can understand not wanting to overfeed. maybe something to consider is to switch their food to something more nutritive and heavier on protein. like, if you’re feeding kibble, move to a 10g protein wet food.
i wouldn’t have known how foods would affect my cats, but when my last generation was younger, one gained weight, and when i finally decided to tackle it [after a laughable series of diet kibbles prescribed by vets that i finally decided were hooey], i moved them off kibble to wellness wet food. then we went to raw food because after everything i read, i became convinced it was the right direction. so, anytime i ran out of raw food and gave them wet or even sometimes kibble, the difference in behavior was noticeable. as the food became less densely nutritive, they became more antsy, and even begged for seconds. i had to have the comparison to really see the difference, but they were always more calm and seemed more satiated after wet compared to kibble, and raw compared to wet.
Some of my foster cats used to get peckish at night. My solution: one of those balls you put kibble in
Like this one:
They get to roll it around and help themselves to SOME kibble, not ALL of the kibble. Maybe that could work? They’re really cheap.
They do have one, I put it away for awhile because my dumb cat was afraid of the noise it made (seriously), but I just pulled it out. Maybe they’ll figure it out this time and leave me alone!
The solution to this for my cat was getting an automatic dry food feeder that dispenses his dry food every morning at 7am sharp. He used to wake us up by running around, meowing, and knocking things over anywhere from 4AM to 6AM before that. Now he is perfectly content in the mornings. Like a whole new cat!
I’ve been debating this as a next step, but I have two cats so I wonder if they would share nicely? (Although to be honest, usually one eats first and then the next so who knows.)
Do you feed them in the morning? Our cat wakes us up about half an hour before she is used to being fed, so we moved her breakfast time back to 8am, just before we leave for work, so now she usually lets us sleep in until 7.30. It took two or three weeks for her to get used to the new routine, though.
Oh hey, what are you eating at that end of the table? You should totally give me some. Like right now…
A+ IntenseCat and A+ beautiful shade of blue on the wall!
I like it much better now that it’s just in the dining room area. It was a bit much when the living room and the hallway were also that color. And the carpet is still everywhere and it’s teal. So yeah, the previous owners of my house made some questionable decorating choices…
That second photo is so pretty!
No (my) Saffron photo this week but I do have a request for tips on moving your cat! We’re just going to the upstairs 2 bedroom apt (from a 1 bed), but she gets a little anxious sometimes so I want to make sure the transition is as smooth as possible for her.
I find that using Feliway/Comfort Zone products (especially the plug-in diffuser for the first month after move) helps when moving a cat!
give her a lot of bedding she can sleep on now that will smell like her, and don’t wash it when you move. set it all up for her so it smells like her and like home. otherwise, maybe some calming treats can help.
Lucinda looks a lot like my kitty! She had a checkup at the vet yesterday and was so mad that they had to sedate her. I feel kind of guilty. She was much friendlier as a kitten, but now after three years of living alone with me she is kind of mean to everyone else. (Still a goofy affectionate purr machine when it’s just the two of us, though.)
I don’t have photos this week, but I took my giant fat cat to the vet this week (after my parents visited last weekend and spent the whole time shaming me about how fat she is) and learned that she is still super healthy, just FAT. She has new low-calorie food now, and so far she is not thrilled about it, but that means she’s not eating everything in sight, so that’s an improvement already.
We were already on very strict portion control, but now we are juggling two prescription foods for two cats with totally different eating issues, so…there’s gonna be an adjustment period.
if the prescription food & portion control doesn’t work [my cat was miserable], you can always move to higher protein wet food only. my cat was fat because she couldn’t deal with all the carbs in kibble effectively, so when we removed it [and i started making raw food] she started slimming down.
it’s good she’s still healthy. the main thing you want to avoid with an overweight cat is the possibility of diabetes.
We have been on strict portion control for over a year, so only the food is new. I think she will be fine once she gets used to the new smell – she already eats it when she thinks she’s stealing it from the other cat. She has never been willing to eat wet food, only dry.
The vet was super impressed with her – healthy coat, all tests great, healthy heart and lungs. She is just a big blob!
Cat Thread!!
I adopted my two kitties last Saturday.
They’re a mom and kitten Balinese (possibly mixed with Oriental Shorthair??)
Anyhoo after one day of hiding under the bed, they realized I was the “Bringer of food and fun toys” and have decided to be buds with me.
I’ve never had a cat before so having an adult and kitten at once is really fascinating.
They want to be all up in your biz at all times! Yesterday kitten jumped right into the fridge when I wasn’t looking.
Does anyone have any advise for a first time cat owner?
And here are some pics!
Sheba-
Ripley-
Hmm if the links don’t work here is a half-assed instagram of them I put together to keep my friends from being utterly inundated with cat pics
https://www.instagram.com/theconeycats/
oh my what gorgeous kitties!!
Thank you!
Real talk; I was holding the kitten this morning and while she was purring just said “How are you so fucking cute?!”
It’s going to be hard to strict with them haha
Our cat basically just gets whatever she wants because of her adorable face, ha.
(Except when what she wants is for me to feed her breakfast at 5:30am. No, Saffron, not gonna happen. Stop unspooling my hair from the bun I put it in at bedtime.)
Such elegant cat faces!
aww, they’re so sweet! i have a mom and baby too, they are such sweethearts together.
as a professional cat lady, my main advice is: feed the best wet food you can. it really makes a difference to keep them on good food, starting early. i feed a mix of wellness wet food with a topper of tiki cat in various chicken flavors, and i add water. they no longer drink from the bowl.
that, and if you ever have an issue where one is peeing outside the box, the 2 main reasons are stress or a UTI. they’re not like dogs where you can say “bad kitty” and hope they learn, you just have to try to diagnose what might be stressing them out, or get them to a vet for a urine test. typical UTI behavior is peeing just a little bit, kinda near the box.
your cats are young, so they will play all the time, but it’s good to get some wand toys and give them a workout regularly. and try all kinds of toys, cats usually gravitate to some favorites. one of mine even likes to fetch sometimes, she lets me know by bringing me a toy very deliberately so i can throw it for her. mine also love to climb their cat tree, and spend time in the scratch lounge that i have next to a window. i only found the scratch lounge last year, but all my cats love sitting in it.
This is my cat judgmentally watching me do yoga.
Excellent judgment face. A++ catting.
She looks exactly like my Nellie looking judgmentally at me for doing just about anything except petting her.
Question as a cat person: how do you deal with boarding a cat for the first time? I recently moved to a new city, don’t have any roommates and don’t know anyone I can rely on to pet-sit. I found a boarding place that seems pretty posh but how can I make the stay less stressful for my cat and lessen my feelings of guilt?
Kismet & I have been spending lots of time together on our patio
I LIKE THIS CAT OF YOURS VERY MUCH. What good fluff!
Clio making me jealous before I have to leave for work:
Clio acting as Teaching Assistant:
Clio and Calliope in a double bask:
You’re gonna get 7 more cats, right? 🙂
Anyone have advice on getting a cat to stop using your beautiful chair as a scratching post? She refuses to use both the twine covered post and the corrugated cardboard thing, also usually scratches the carpet, which I don’t mind.
Spray something on the chair? Buy her another contraption she’ll probably ignore? Sigh. I mean, she’s adorable, but I also would like to not re-upholster my chair.
double sided tape on the corners that are getting scratched until the habit is broken?
Okay. We had a huge issue with our cats scratching the couch. There were two things that worked: getting them a HUGE scratching post, tall enough that they can stretch up full-length on it; and getting a new couch. Something about the material on the old one was very scratchable – it’s in the spare bedroom now, and they still scratch it but they don’t touch the new one. They also love the tall scratching post – it is this one: http://amzn.com/B000634MH8
We tried the tape; it ruined the couch. We tried the spray; no effect. These were the only things that worked for us.
have you shaken the catnip on the cardboard scratcher? sometimes that’s what gets them going.
start by throwing a blanket over your couch to protect it. something you might try is a ssscat air can sensor. i got one, and only used it a couple times, because my cats were actually really scared of it, but it’s a motion sensor top on an air can and sprays air when it senses them walking in front of it. so, it’s good for sneaky cats who do it only when you’re not home, too.
I have had good results with sssscat keeping the cats off tables and counters. The only problem is when I forget it’s there and ssscat myself!
Soft Paws. Little plastic claw covers you glue on. Sounds ridiculous and you have to keep applying them as they come off eventually but it will save the chair. Plus they come in glitter and different colors when you want your cat to be fancy.
Musichetta has the noblest of profiles:
friend i was scrolling through the cats with gasped + shrieked at musichetta’s name. good name
File under dumb stuff I still can’t believe gets to me: I was at the mall with my mother a couple of days ago, trying on a sundress, and I thought I looked cute. It was a pretty floral, it was very comfortable fabric. The skirt had a nice swing to it. Opened the trying room door and my mom immediately shot it down. “No. It makes your bottom look HUGE.” (With hand gestures for emphasis.) So feeling real good about myself immediately changed to a “well, maybe my legs are big and that’s okay!” kind of argument, cut to me leaving the mall in tears (without the dress because I’m unemployed and have no money, so I am 30 and have no control over my own clothing decisions because what money I do have goes toward paying off debt). It wasn’t even that expensive a dress. It was a small moment in time, but it just BOTHERED me because this exact scenario happened a couple of years ago with a different floral dress at an outlet mall.
What made all of this worse, of course, was not just her bringing it up again hours later, insisting that I admit it didn’t look good so she could “win” or whatever and, I dunno, I’ll know she was right all along. It was ALSO the fact that we were wearing almost identical stupid shirts at the mall and TWO different women came up and made a point of mentioning it. (One laughed, one complimented, but by that point it just felt bleak.)
Wow, that’s just… awful. You mom sounds kinda awful. Sorry.
It sucks because so much of the time she is awesome. She’s overcome a lot in her life and I’ve learned a lot from her. She’s also where I got a lot of my lefty politics from. I love her. But then…there’s shit like this. And there’s ALWAYS been this. Not just body policing, but other random negging or controlling that has always either driven me crazy or sunk my self-esteem battleship in two seconds. And the almost-identical shirts thing is particularly telling because the push-pull on the way I dress has been going on practically since infancy and she very much does have a narrow view of what I “should” be wearing.
Now that we’re both currently unemployed and stuck living together (Dad has a job so he’s off at work all day) my one friend has begun “jokingly” calling us “Grey Gardens.” Some days, it’s less funny than others.
Yeah I sympathize with that. My mom is kinda the same, mostly lovely, easy to admire, but she does the same sort of thing; body policing herself that spills out over to me and my sister. It’s gotten to the point where we just have to shut the conversation down when she starts, and I think she’s finally starting to get it, but it’s still rough, and it doesn’t make the things she says any less shitty.
First, I would politely ask that friend to stop using the Grey Gardens nickname because it’s stressing you out. It’s not funny and it’s not nice or helpful.
Anyhoo, it’s not dumb at all to be bothered by this stuff–how else are we supposed to react when the people who are supposed to be the most supportive of us turn around and make us feel awful about our bodies?
My mom would do the same thing to me where I’d try things on and she would just destroy any shreds of self-esteem I had at that moment. I have had several loud and public fights with my mom in malls that have included crying, yelling and me literally running away from her (she used to have bad knees, so my one advantage when she was yelling at me was that I could get way ahead of her and give myself a little space before she caught up to me. I may have also done this as an act of vengeance–if she was going to make me feel like crap, I was going to make her feel crap right back).
I had one particularly bad fight with her while trying to find shoes to match the dress I was wearing to my cousin’s wedding (and it was hard enough for me to find a dress I felt good in). She was getting pissed that I wouldn’t accept something that was “good enough” but I wanted the shoes to match right so that I wouldn’t feel like a clown. So at one point we stopped at a mall where there were 2 sets of stores separated by an outdoor island that you couldn’t drive through. I said I would wait in the car while she went into a book store to make a return. Instead, I got out of the car and walked over the dividing island and went into the other set of stores; she got back to the car to find it empty and kept calling me and I wouldn’t pick up. Finally my dad called me and I told him I was alive, and made him come and pick me up separately in a different car because I could not handle being around my mom at that point. And while the method could be improved, I still think that the most important thing in that moment was for me to give myself that space.
Oh God, I don’t have any advice that I think would be applicable to you (I dealt with my parents by leaving the country they live in) but I can totally relate, my mum does that sort of ting a lot, and I like to believe it’s well-intentioned – and it probably is with your mother too, but ugh, t just hurts sometimes <3
Internet hugs if you want them <3
Moms sure can push the right buttons. *hugs*
Because they’re the ones who installed them. 🙁
ooof. that hits home.
<3
When i was home last year my mother proclaimed ‘I forget how big you are when you’re away!’. Thanks.
She went on to justify it saying that she didn’t mean big fat, just big sturdy and broad. Because she’s a fucking skeleton who has never put on weight in her life. So obviously I’m the weird one.
Mothers just know how to get to us.
All through high school and college she used to point out how I was bigger than SHE’D been at those ages (I was actually fairly petite then, just curvy). But she was literally starving in college. Like, didn’t have enough food, living in a 4th-floor walk-up in a scary neighborhood with no money starving. Of COURSE she was skinnier!
Ouch. How supportive and kind of her.
My mother completely suffers from ‘thin-privilege’, which isn’t really a thing, but it just affects how she thinks and the comments she makes because she’s never had to deal with being called fat (in fact she was bullied about how skinny and lanky she was as a kid).
It because of her I had terrible eating habits as a kid (because she doesn’t eat for days and doesn’t posses the ability to plan ahead around food so dinner was always the easiest thing she find in the shop), and I was a super chubby kid; so she said I should be eating better and not eat chocolate/biscuits (which were the only food she bought for the house), so I’d try not to eat crap, but she wouldn’t so she’d eat penguin bars and leave the wrappers lying around the house but tell me I wasn’t allowed to have any if I asked for one.
Thin privilege and fat stigma are totally things.
Oh god, I got that from my mom when I came back from my semester abroad. She’d lost thirty pounds while she was abroad, you see – because she was surviving on bread and wine and living on the top of a fourth-floor walkup. I, on the other hand, lost ten pounds, because I lived in a ground floor apartment and my parents sent me money for food. Somehow she could not see the connection.
My mom took the emotional-fuckery up a notch by actively telling me I was THINNER than she had been at my age and yet constantly staring at me while I ate and policing my eating habits. Then she would tell me stories of how she was borderline anorexic when she was home from college during the summers and would live on orange juice and coffee.
If I was thin, why couldn’t I just eat like a normal person without being stared at? This definitely led to issues with food.
Oh. My. God.
That’s not dumb stuff, that’s really incredibly rude and shitty of her, especially to bring it up again later to try to “win.” I wish you luck on getting out of debt quickly and not having to put up with that crap any more.
Oh boo. That would get to anyone, it isn’t bad that it gets to you! I am sorry you had that exchange with your mother. Mothers! I have a saying that really helps me which is “don’t go shopping in the hardware store for oranges.” I had a tough mother that was awful all of the time (not saying yours is!), and my strategy was not to ask opinions. It was a hard truth to face but how often can you reach out for the same thing only to have your hand burned?
Hugs to you friend! I bet that god-damned dress looked amazing on you. Go back and buy it.
Wow, I’m sorry. My mom is like that, which is one of the reasons that the last time we went shopping, I spent most of my time doing it on my own (and this was after I complained to my dad several times and he finally intervened on my behalf).
That really sucks. I stopped shopping with my mom after the trip where if you combined her insults over the course of the hour, she told me I looked like a pregnant hillbilly whore who liked grandma shoes. I know that’s not an option when you aren’t in the position to buy your own clothes and I’m so sorry. I strongly recommend shopping by yourself or with only supportive people once you’re back on your feet. I don’t think it’s dumb that you’re upset.
When I was employed and living on my own and buying my own clothes, it was the only time I can remember feeling really happy about the way I dressed. I felt like I looked good, I felt good about my body, I felt like I could be sexy if I wanted to. I got a lot of compliments on different outfits. I desperately want that feeling back.
That is AWFUL. I am so sorry your mother is doing that to you. It is crazy and controlling and just crappy, and you do not deserve it.
That would get to me, too. My goodness. How incredibly callous, ugly, and rude of your mom. Yeah, file that under “ways not to ever treat other sentient beings”.
School debt is the worst and I feel you. I am So Damn Old and still desperately trying to mop up my school debt. It will happen, someday, for both of us.
I like women with Major Posteriors, so I probably would have seen you in the same dress and thought you were super hot. People have individual aesthetics, and so often they are not about what we see but how what we see makes us feel. Yours mom’s opinion says so much more about her than about you. You are fine. She has an attitude problem. Wear what makes you feel good. She is your mom; it is straight up her job to see your beauty in your happiness. No excuses.
You can tell her your internet friend laughed her face off at her need to be “right” about this, because aesthetic opinion is subjective, not objective, so there’s no way for her to be right about how the dress looked. She can dislike it, but that is not a universal truth about the how the dress looked or looked on you.
She is behaving in a horrible toxic fashion. It’s not about you. Let it go as much as you can and store up good things to buffer you against her bad behavior. I feel certain the dress was awesome, and the time will come when you can choose for yourself and feel good about it.
Toastie hugs.
I also have a very difficult mother. One of the hardest things I’ve learned (am still learning – I am not yet good at it) is to recognize when she’s said something that hurts me and (in a reasonably close amount of time) say “Mom, it hurts my feelings / makes me feel terrible when you say that.”
Okay, true confessions, I’ve only actually managed that ONCE, but it was remarkably effective.
O HAI secret sister! Our mom sure can be fun, huh? My mom used to be really heavy and in the last few years has gotten super in shape and fitnessy. Which is great! I am happy for her! But now she’s up my butt about it, and I am perfectly happy being a little chubbers, so she can just suck it. Bringing it up is especially painful, I am so sorry. My mom does similar stuff and it’s been really hard to reconcile my feelings of “my mom is a good person and she loves me very much and she is awesome in many ways” with “my mom is kind of mean sometimes”, but like….she can be a real dick. I’m still trying to get used to that and hope someday to work up to being able to call her on it, like I would with anyone else. It is the dream!
Also, obviously you know this, but you are perfect and wonderful, your body is awesome, you look fantastic. Your mom is wrong. So there.
So sorry that your mom can be just plain mean. (It really is, and I’m not discounting that she’s a nice lady, gave you a sense of lefty politics, etc etc). But it is what it is. I hope you can move out soon with your sense of self intact, and in the meantime recognize your mom anchors, so that when you do move out, that you don’t find another person with your mom’s personality, only to further torture yourself. Recognizing patterns is important. Loving your mom when you don’t live with her anymore will be much easier. This is the way to a peaceful life.
Oh, darling. That is so not okay. I am so sorry.
You say you have no control over your own clothing decisions… I assume because she’s paying for it? NO MADAM, I MUST EMPHATICALLY DISAGREE. Doesn’t matter where the money comes from, you and you alone have the right to decide what goes on your body. You are a grown-ass lady, expendable income or no. Being short on cash does not equal involuntarily giving up bodily autonomy.
You are right to be upset, because that shit is upsetting.
Point the first: Moms do not get to say mean things about their daughters’ bodies to their daughters (or anyone, really, but let’s start at the source). There are no exceptions or caveats to this rule. Ever. Nope.
Point the second: Even if that dress made your bottom look like you had just stolen two beanbag chairs from a frat house…. WHO FUCKING CARES? When is the last time a large bottom crashed an airplane? Started a war? Ruined an economy? Nope, nope, nope. There is no one you could possibly harm by putting your bottom in that dress.
Point the thirdmost: Your mom does not get to decide what looks good on you – and more importantly, what FEELS good on you. SUPER NOPE. You are the sole arbiter of what makes you happy. You liked that dress, and that is enough to make it worthwhile. It is your body, you dress it as you damn well please.
I strongly recommend practicing the phrases “Huh, well, I like it anyway,” and “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m gonna get it.” Bonus points for “That was really rude, I’d appreciate it if you kept comments like that to yourself from now on.”
If your mom refuses to buy you clothing you like just because she doesn’t like it, I also strongly recommend finding a new shopping buddy. This is not about “What looks best on my daughter thebeagee”; this is about tearing you down to keep you in line and probably also projecting her own insecurities onto you. There is no reason you should put up with that for even a second.
Also, if I’ve misinterpreted and she isn’t footing the bill: All of the above, times ten, with a heaping side of She Can Suck All The Eggs, It’s Your Money AND Your Body, You Do You Girl.
You deserve nice things. Period. No exceptions.
Hello Toasties! This is a question/rambling worry-ramble for any other Toasties with, or that care for, tiny sized humans, specifically very tiny-sized humans.
My tiny human is 6 months old and here’s my worry-ramble: she doesn’t respond to me talking to her…and definitely not calling her name. She generally doesn’t look up if i talk to her, but she can definitely hear noises, and turns her head in the direction of the noise if it is loud or high pitched, or if it’s music. She does look up when i sing generally, though I wonder if it’s just the change in facial expression that’s getting her attention. it just feels like she doesn’t process voices, or just my voice, in particular? is this normal? she does smile and make eye contact and babble a little bit, gurgle a lot and squeal a lot. She is super absorbed in whatever toy she’s got, and she is extremely attentive to new surroundings. Hearing/language problem? Or paranoia problem on my part?
End worry-ramble.
My little one is 9 months, so first off, big hugs, this first year is tough and full of paranoia inducing things.
What I’ve learned is that my gut instinct is surprisingly good at detecting when things are off with my baby. I would suggest talking with her doctor about it or a nurse or something. Just to be sure.
Again, big hugs!
I don’t remember what is normal for a 6-month old but I remember being similarly worried about developmental issues. It’s probably nothing but honestly I would say to bring this up with your pediatrician just to relieve your anxiety.
Yes, what ashofthenorth said. Your instincts deserve respect.
Call your pediatrician’s office and ask to talk to a nurse. Tell the nurse what you told us here. She will give you specific ways to check your baby’s responses to various aural inputs. (Nurses are rock stars.) Take notes. This is the start of a notebook dedicated to Baby’s Health, if you don’t already have an equivalent.
Then do those tests multiple times. Each time, note the date, time, and number of hours since her last feeding and hours since her last nap. Note Baby’s responses. After a few weeks you can review your notes. If doing so does not make you feel better about Baby’s development, make an appointment with the pediatrician. Bring the notebook to show the doc.
Your Baby has an excellent parent in you, loving and attentive. Lucky Baby!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
I agree that parent-gut is a good thing to believe in, and it’s worth a phone call or maybe an appointment to have her ears checked.
My kid2 had incessant ear infections (even before daycare – thanks big bro!) and was on a nebulizer when he was tiny, and his language was delayed, basically because everything he heard for 80% of his first 18 months was like he was underwater. At that point, he had tubes put in, and then his language grew by leaps and bounds.
Your dear is responding to sounds, which is great – but you should find out what specific tests you can do to see if she can hear words. She’s still young, and this could be a wait-and-see moment, but being attentive to it to the point of documentation is a good instinct to follow.
Congratulations on her, and well wishes as you determine how much to worry / what to do.
She’s so young that it is probably all fine! That said getting testing done is a great idea. Either she’s completely fine and you were just careful, or there is a diagnosis and (in most places) now you qualify for government-funded therapy and support for a special-needs child. So it is really win-win to take her to a doctor for testing soon.
I will say my niece had similar issues and she ended up with a diagnosis — though she was closer to 1 year old when she was taken in for testing. Regardless all the therapy noticeably helped, and she is doing wonderfully now — highly recommend!
I was suspected of deafness as a baby for the same reasons, despite having no hearing loss. What I do have is Auditory Processing Disorder, a neurological hearing problem. It hadn’t been discovered back in the late seventies, but a good few places know about it now. It often ties in with other neurological stuff, such as dyslexia, and some children’s hospitals test for it routinely. I imagine they can’t test for it until she’s talking, but it may be worth bearing in mind.
Trust your senses and observations, as well as your intuition. Get some professional back-up to confirm or debunk your concerns.
Meanwhile, my little one is almost two and a half and has basically never responded to her own name. Ever. I only knew she knew it when she was trying to force my to make a slide out of my legs by pushing on my knees and yelling, “Hold tight, [her own name],” like a character in her favorite book is told when going down a slide. So it might not be about hearing at all, and just a personality thing, and she’s ignoring you because she can.
Now she (very adorably) tells herself, “calm down, [her name],” when she gets upset, just like the little monkey in the book Little Monkey calms Down, which we got recently to combat those two year old cases of the I-Can’t-Help-Its.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes. Hugs for you and your precious one.
Jumping on to say that the two year old I watch will ignore you just calling her name, but respond if you sing it – if your baby responds to singing, maybe singing her name to her will get a better response?
Also since she’s still learning all the words, she subs her own name in whenever she doesn’t know the word that she actually wants to use – “Meimeimei, I’m [NAME]~~” “Meimeimei, my [NAME] please! Your bottle? Yes my [NAME]” and it’s adorable. I’m sure your baby will learn her name and will learn to recognise you calling it <3 Even so, there’s no harm in taking her along to your/her doctor and seeing what they recommend 🙂
Hope it’s all ok <3
I do not have anything to add to everyone else’s very excellent suggestions, but lots of support from an internet stranger. Caring for little ones is hard, and it is awesome you are listening to your gut on this. With both our kids we listened to our guts and like 19/20 times we were wrong & the kid was totally fine, but that 20th time we caught some things that made life better for everyone.
Where, oh where has our Charlie Potato Hashbrowns gone? I miss that tuber’s fuzzy face.
I was JUST thinking this!
YES! I hope everything is okay.
Yes, where is he? And his human?
She hasn’t mentioned him on twitter for three weeks. This is a tragedy 🙁
wherefore art thou, Potato?
I just realized I haven’t posted a picture of him in ages this morning! I’m so sorry to have deprived everyone, I’ve been in a bit of a depressive slouch so I haven’t been up for… literally anything.
Here is our beloved potato, having discovered the FRONT WINDOW and all its joys.
And here is Charlie’s tongue on our first roadtrip (which went very well! except we learned that Charlie doesn’t like to pee anywhere but home oh dear).
I hope Charlie is taking good care of you and the depressive period ends soon. Also, FUZZFACE!
his favourite thing to do is sit on my lap and chew things. It’s so so so so so cute and I love him so much.
Ahhhh, there’s our four-legged potato! 😀
Also: *offers Toastie hugs*
So earlier this week there was some discussion of Eurydice/Persephone fanfic and I went searching. I found this which wasn’t what I was originally looking for, but I love it anyhow. I didn’t know that I needed a jazz age mythology story, but I did.
Have you ever listened to Hadestown? It’s a folk opera by Anaïs Mitchell based on the Orpheus myth and set loosely in the jazz age/prohibition/depression time period. It’s fantastic!
I haven’t! I’ll definitely be looking it up now.
Writing down both that & the fanfic, thanks to you both!
Bookmarked, thank you!
So, over the past week, I noticed that my darling ginkgotree was feeling a little down, so I did what any reasonable person would do: I made a fucking gluten-free croquembouche.
I’m quite proud of myself!
That’s really neat! What did you use to replace flour in the pâte à choux?
I used Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free 1-to-1 Baking Flour, which did the job admirably, though I am going to add a bit of baking powder next time.
I looked up some guidance on how to make it gluten free, and there was a note with one of the gluten free recipes that said “if it looks like mac & cheese, keep mixing!” and while that horrified me initially, it was very good advice. The dough really did look like macaroni and cheese at one point.
I would be horrified if that paste looked like mac and cheese at any point; I’m glad you found that note of reassurance ahead of time!
It was off-putting, to put it lightly. I considered stopping after an egg or two and just presenting the bag filled with creme patisserie that she could pipe into her mouth, but it ended up coming back together after the third or fourth egg.
I imagine it’s similar to the feeling when you’re adding the butter to a meringue-based buttercream and it looks like it breaks halfway through. You have to fight the urge to throw it all out and use that canned frosting that’s lived in your pantry for five years; just keep adding butter and it will be okay.
Haha, yes, it is exactly that feeling.
Just keep adding butter and it will be okay is also an A+++ life philosophy
REALLY. I’ve had a yen for some profiteroles and was like, but surely you can’t make those gluten free, can you? Can you really though? You have brought light into my darkness.
Here’s a “baguette” recipe I made recently that has made me believe in the possibility of good things once more: http://madonnadelpiatto.com/2014/04/17/gluten-fre… The poolish is key!
that is AMAZING.
Gluten-free choux! Truly, I have gazed upon miracles.
That is a work of art!
Holy shit!! Gimme 😀
Oh my god thank you for posting this photo, this is filling my morning with light
You’re welcome! 🙂
That is absolutely gorgeous. I audibly gasped!
I can never see one of those now without hearing Sue Perkins yell “time to put your croques in my bouche” to all the GBBO contestants.
Sue! <3
I straight up cried because you are so damn lovely to do that! What an awesome human you are. I am so pleased you are taking care of ginkgotree in such outstanding fashion. I love people taking care of people in such personal and creative ways. It is my bliss.
/highfive
*high fives!*
And thank you! I was so happy to do it, and she deserves every profiterole in the world. <3
I can think of almost no higher praise that than that.
wow, truly that is a thing of beauty (and what a lovely gift!)
i hope some day to learn to love in such a way.
This, on updating classic etiquette rules with emotional labor/mansplaining in mind, feels relevant to toastie interests! What do y’all think? I like the concept of “let’s stop considering X polite and Y rude when there’s CLEARLY A GENDERED PATTERN HERE” but I feel like one could add a whole lot. (For one thing, a really feminist upgrade would be much more intersectional…)
I want a toast etiquette book. Like, on my coffee table right now. And it should absolutely include a section on clothing, with instructions for proper tying of dickribbons.
omg Toast crowdsourced etiquette, I LOVE IT
I would love and cherish this with my tiny misandrist heart.
Woof I just read this. As someone who was forced to go to etiquette classes as a young pup and often finds herself trapped in conversation with lame dudez of all ages, this was great! After situations where I let men talk at me (for hours, if he’s my supervisor), I harbor a lot of resentment for both myself and the guys for 1). not cutting things off because I am too scared to be impolite) and 2). the men not noticing that I am bored out of my fucking mind.
I also find that this tendency makes me vulnerable to scarier situations, like when I smiled at a homeless guy at the public library and then he proceeded to talk to me for 15+ minutes, asking my last name and my volunteer schedule at the library.
UGH how do I become a strong but polite-ish lady who doesn’t take any male shit??
it’s so hard! Those classic etiquette rules are classic for a reason, they’re great. You don’t WANT to break them, even if the other person broke them first.
I’m trying to learn to label my interlocutor’s behavior.
“You’re asking for my name. That’s very personal.”
“You have a lot to say on that subject. How long do you think you could talk without stopping?”
When feeling particularly brave and have no fucks to give, I say, “Ask *me* a question.”
Shit, you are tough!! I will try to model this. Thanks
Damn! *furiously scribbles notes*
I love this. Brilliant!
The old concept of “manners exist to make others feel comfortable” is good, but incomplete. I’d argue that the primary goal of manners should be to show people respect, and after that’s accomplished, then you can move on to helping people feel comfortable. For example, some cisgender persons feel uncomfortable using the same public restrooms as trans persons. “Maximizing comfort” could lead some people to suggest that trans people use the wrong restrooms, but that’s obviously rude. “Respect for everyone” means that some cisgender people have to be uncomfortable for a while until they get used to the new state of affairs. Sometimes in order to show respect to everyone you have to make some people uncomfortable for a while.
Yup. I have had a way less hard of a time with “being rude” since i chatted with my papa about Miss Manner’s maxim that manners are the grease on the wheels of society that allow everything to run smoothly. “Bullshit”, said my dad “manners are what allow people with none to get away with it”.
I’m still processing a lose-lose situation I had to deal with as a manager this week, and would appreciate some help making peace with the decision I had to make. Details in a comment.
You know what? I’m actually not even ready to talk about it. Thought I was, but when I started writing it up I felt myself drowning in cortisol. Suffice it to say that it sucked, that I’ll probably never be happy with the decision I made, and that I never would have been happy with any other decision either.
That sucks. Chocolate and flowers and the warm beverage of your choice to you to help lower that bastard cortisol.
Oh! Tea exists! Thank you for reminding me that tea exists. And thank you for the kind words, too; they are right up there with tea.
Tea heals all.
UGH. I’m so sorry. You did the best you could in shitty circumstances. Internet hugs if wanted.
Thank you! They are always appreciated.
This is intensely soothing. I am just sort of staring at it. Thanks for bringing your A+ GIF game to my humble dilemma; I am honored.
Isn’t she amazing with those? She’s like a gif-speaker, an oracle of moving image and insight.
Feel better. *hug*
Sorry about this. I am also a manager (though currently unemployed), and I totally sympathize with those decisions where none of the options are good.
The thing is, I’m only really a manager on paper. I have a particular technical skill that I am extremely good at, some other technical skills that are kind of unique to this small little niche industry, and a good head on my shoulders. And since I’ve been at the same small company for almost nine years, and they really want to keep me, I keep getting title bumps. In reality, I mostly sit in my office working on the technical skills I’m actually good at while virtually all the management that needs to happen goes through either the president or the general manager. But this week, the president is on another continent and the GM is out for back surgery, so… guess I’m a manager!
So after graduating college two years ago and going through job-hunting hell, I now have a permanent, non-temp, interesting, taking me places job! I am so so so happy and relieved. It’s the best kind of weird to not have the job-hunting cloud hanging over me any more.
ALSO, now that I have a regular salary, I get to start apartment hunting (yay?). Boston Toasties, if you or anyone you know is looking for a cool roommate, keep me in mind! I’ll be putting up something on the Facebook page soon.
Sending out good-luck vibes to anyone else who needs them this week!
Good luck apartment-hunting! IDK what your timeline/neighborhood situation is, but I have a couple friends looking for housing/roommates this summer.
I just made a comment about this but I’m a Boston Toastie who could use a roommate!!
(also, what’s the Facebook page?)
There’s a Boston-specific page called Boston ToastPin. It’s a closed group, but you can request an invite.
F A B
Toasties! Haven’t been around much recently, because LIFE IS CHANGE. After moving all the way across the country with two very surprised cats two months ago, we’re finally moving into a goddamn lovely rental house in a quiet neighborhood TODAY. My husband and I will get our beloved bed and couch back. All I have to do now is start making a salary so we can afford the goddamn place haha.
LUCKILY, after finishing my awesome Data Science program, I have four goddamn onsite interviews in the next two weeks. The current bachelors:
– The big company with a (more than) slightly dysfunctional reputation, but you made a good connection and you think you can FIX them, goddamnit! You thought your phone call was a disaster, but they still called you back?
– The tiny company that is really sweet, and is doing great things, but you’re a shallow asshole and they live in a bad, hard to get to part of town.
– The company with a permanent case of foot-in-mouth disorder. You mostly checked them out out of a sense of willful perversity and amusement, but it turns out they’re actually pretty cool?
– The really awesome, successful nerdy company that totally matches your interests, both professional and intellectual. You REALLY REALLY like them, and you hope they really really like you too. PLEEAAASEE. They seem to? They will break your heart.
SENPAI!
I’m interested in doing a data science program in the not too distant future. Which program did you do?
(Belated answer, since moving!)
The program is Insight Data Science (http://insightdatascience.com/). It’s specifically tailored for academic PhDs making a transition for industry, however (unless you’re going for Data Engineering). If you’re finishing a PhD / a current postdoc, though, I can’t recommend it highly enough. There are programs in SF, NYC, Boston (for public health related stuff), and an internet remote session. The other fellows are pretty much awesome people all around, and the program really helps a lot in getting you connected to companies. Still gotta do interviews, though (AAAAAHHHH).
Toasties, tell me about the good things that happened to you this week!
I was off to see friends and family and went to a pub quiz on Monday which was pretty great because I’ve been trying to persuade my friends from my own town to go to a quiz night for AGES. We came in third!
And then the quiz master said to me that I was “the prettiest woman on that table tonight” – I was the only girl on my team and I know he was goofing around with all the teams, but it still made my night because I struggle with insecurities a lot right now.
I took a “which of the original 151 pokemon are you” quiz and got charizard. Highlight of the week.
So this happened last week technically. But last week I learned that Flight of the Conchords are touring this summer and that they are playing about 20 minutes from where I live, ON MY BIRTHDAY! So now my best friend and I are going to see FotC on my birthday and I was able to get us front row tickets and the only thing detracting even slightly from my joy about this is that now I have to wait until July for the actual show.
That’s so cool!
yesterday the taco truck was on campus EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T SCHEDULED TO BE, so i got to eat a much-needed surprise burrito. and i managed to eat the correct amount, so that i was happily, sleepily satiasted without being stuffed! what a glorious day!
Yay for surprise food!
I started talking to a girl on Bumble and after some A+ text banter we set a date for next week! I also have a date with a Bumble dude tomorrow! I’m excited! And I think it’s a good sign I’m moving on from a very recent romantic let down.
The university ceramics guild had a mug sale and I got an adorable little mug/teacup that is currently sitting on my desk and making me happy both when it contains tea and when it is empty!
That is beautiful!
Ooh, very cute!
I posted on this below. The big amazing good thing that happened to me this week was that we found out that my mom does NOT have lung cancer!!! They had seen this blob on a CT scan, and she’s 70, and used to smoke, so we were very worried. On Tuesday she got the biopsy results back and it’s totally negative. I am SO HAPPY. It kind of put everything into perspective.
Also I am off work together, and it’s raining out (I live in California where we’ve been in an epic drought, so rain is great). And there’s a cat butt in my face.
That is a great news!!
I cut my hair a few nights ago. Just an inch or two with desk scissors, but it felt impressive and it is now bigger and more beautiful than before.
I had a job interview on Monday that I thought went well, and today they called my current boss for a reference and told him they were impressed with me, so I am hopeful!
Not directly to me, but a good thing that happened in my family is that my nephew had his 3-month post-treatment checkup and was declared cancer-free.
And for the first time since moving back to hometown 3 years ago I found a can of REAL whipped cream and was able to indulge in Mallory’s Infinite Pudding 😀
My foot was finally better after I injured it a week or so ago, so I could do the baking/cooking I’d been itchng to do. Also Mr ZNF bought me Minecraft and I love it so much! It’s like unlimited Lego and I have SO MANY THINGS I have plans to build!
I got eight days of surprise vacation days! That happened because I didn’t read my contract carefully enough and seriously messed up my holidays planning. So now my boss thinks I’m utterly stupid, but, hey, holidays…?
Theater recommendation for anyone who lives in NYC/is planning to visit between now and June: The She Loves Me revival is CRAZY WONDERFUL, friends. I saw it the other night and am still buzzing. It’s such a wonderful, gorgeous production of a perfect little show. (It’s based on Parfumerie, the same source material as The Shop Around the Corner and You’ve Got Mail, for those who don’t know it.)
Plus: Zachary Levi! Laura Benanti and her perfect vibrato! Jane Krakowski! Gavin Creel!
I saw it last weekend! Laura Benanti is GLORIOUS and needs a Tony nomination for that role. I’ve seen her in 5+ other shows and yet had never seen her in a role so suited for her soprano range. And her comedic timing is perfection.
Zachary Levi was also excellent, though I spent half the show going “wow, he is TALL.”
The set is a giant Polly Pocket and I am waiting for a reviewer to say the same thing.
I have the 1993 cast recording on loop in my office now, and I’ve been starting off each morning with “Good Morning, Good Day.” HIGHLY recommend that 🙂
I have such a weakness for Zachary Levi as (1) I had a massive crush on him in college and (2) when he was doing First Date, I met him and he made a short video for a friend of mine who was a HUGE Chuck fan and going through a rough time at work, and he was the loveliest.
Hello Toasties! I had a dream where I watched Halmiton last night and all the songs were in random order and it was staged in my living room. I don’t know what it means but I took it as a sign to get into the open thread.
Any Toasties in Vancouver, BC interested in meeting up??
Portland ME Toasties- my husband and I are contemplating a trip to your fine city early June-ish for a week or so. Any suggestions or places we shouldn’t miss? We like good food and playing outside (particularly of the day hike variety) and are not particularly budget constrained. I will, however, be about 20+ weeks pregnant, so no particular interest in alcohol focused places unless the food is also good.
That’s pretty much the best time of the year to visit. Bradbury mountain is an easy day hike about 30 minutes outside of town with a great view. Get yourself picnic fixings from Miciuccuis and take the ferry to the islands.
Take a ferry ride- Peaks Island for a short one (you can rent a bike or walk around), or the mail boat for a longer loop.
Fort Williams, just a couple miles south, has a neat little trail along the cliffs by the very famous lighthouse.
South Portland (my hometown!) has two great lighthouses you can walk out to and around, and a lovely beach (Willard) and the best bagels in Maine (Scratch Bakery, at Willard Square near the beach- lots of delicious baked goods and picnic supplies).
If you like bluegrass music, see if you can catch either The Jerks of Grass or Cumberland Crossing.
I second the ferry ride! Casco Bay Lines leaves right out of Portland and has great trips. I recommend the Bailey Island route, which I think takes about 3-4 hours round trip. They also have moonlight cruises which are really nice.
Check out the schedules for the State Theatre and Port City Music Hall; there are always interesting shows there!
Also! You can take an evening sail, which is fantastic. You can rent paddle boards and surf boards- Higgins Beach in Scarborough is great for surfing in the evenings, or Willard Beach in South Portland is fun for Stand Up Paddleboarding- no waves there!
Flatbread Pizza on the waterfront, by the ferry terminal, is amazing- try the blueberry crisp for dessert or the maple syrup-sweetened lemonade! If you like chowder, Gilbert’s Chowderhouse next door is classic.
The Lobster Shack at Two Lights State Park (in Cape Elizabeth, a few miles south) has the best lobster roll in the area, and you can eat it at picnic tables overlooking the ocean, before or after clambering about on the rocks and peeking at tidepools. They have whoopie pies for dessert!
Not *from* ME, but Portland is one of my favorite spots to visit so…
Highly rec the art museum. Also, Blue is great for live jazz if you like that sort of thing. and Duckfat. That place often has a ridiculous wait but the fries and the brussel sprout appetizer we had there were some of the best I’ve ever had. My husband is a big comic book guy so we always stop at Coast City Comics. Oh! and Arcadia is a great place to spend a little time if you need a bit of time indoors- more vintage arcade games than you can shake several sticks at! None of that is particularly outdoorsy but there are so many parks and places to walk!
I will second Duckfat if you love fries. So good.
I’m not from Maine but since moving to New England I’ve gone to Portland 1-2 times a year because it *rules*. Seconding the mail boat tour– you can BYO picnic, which is a highly pleasant way to spend an afternoon! Just dress warmly.
Restaurant recs:
– Pai Men Miyake is the best ramen I’ve had this side of Tokyo. (maybe even better than what I got in Tokyo, shhh)
– Paciarino is adorable/romantic/delicious pasta, just make sure you call ahead because it fills up
– I forget the name but there’s a potato donut place near the waterfront that is pretty sublime.
The Holy donut! And I super second Paciarino!
B.Good is a great burger/lunch place- fresh and Delicious.
Walking around the Old Port is a must.
If you are there for the first friday of the month, there is an art walk in the evening.
Higgins is the best beach in my opinion.
L.L. Bean usually does outdoor excursions in the summer, so they might have something going that you could be interested in- like a kayaking trip but not having to worry about buying or renting and transporting said kayaks.
You can also rent kayaks (at least you could) on Peaks Island, which is a great place to go for a paddle! A short and fun destination from there is Fort Gorges, an island fort in the middle of the harbor.
Making things thread? What have you made/painted/drawn this week?
I finished this painting of The Valkyrie from Fury Road that I started in August or something. I kind of have post-art college art burnout so I’m glad I actually finished a painting >_<
That is awesome and gorgeous! Well done.
Thanks 🙂
I finished my miniature pie project!
That’s a cherry pie, a buttermilk pie, and a raisin pie, all made by me out of polymer clay, and a little plate that I made as well. See more photos and descriptions here, and a process post on the raisin pie here.
Omg, those are so cute! Polymer models are so cool.
This is so delightful to me.
those are charming 🙂
I’ve been following your updates about miniature food, so I’m excited to see another one! These are so cute, I especially love the little slices.
I went to a Dr. Sketchy’s drawing session this past week and had a lot of fun even though I am a beginner drawer.
I love the idea of a making things thread! I made a long garland of colorful origami stars this week for my friend’s new apartment, but alas, I failed to take a picture before giving it to her.
I am doing The Splendid Sampler, which is a year long quilt-a-long. Much fun. Very Wow.
I made a papercut card to give to my SO on our anniversary. I’m new to this but I’m liking it a lot! I’ll try to figure out how to post a picture…
I bought Drawing From the Right Side of the Brain a couple months ago, and this week I did my Before Instruction drawings. They are…not terrible! Not great, either, but I think I can learn this.
I put this in the achievements thread further up, but I’m super proud of it so I’m gonna post it again. I learned how to use a 3d sculpting program and made a model of an arctic fox this week:
I have been working on a ‘draw one thing a day’ challenge on Instagram, and I am many days behind, but I am pleased I have been doing it at all. I am really not good at drawing yet, but it is in that way of knowing I will doubtless improve if I just practise a lot.
I’m drawing a finished thing a week for the whole year and sticking it on my tumblr so I can go back and look through the tag and either see improvement or declare that there are some people with so little talent that practice does nothing ;). Anyway I’ve managed not to miss a week so far!
Oh wow, this is fantastic! I love the colors!
I just finished my Cordova sweater, which I’ve been working on forever and I’m thrilled with. Here’s a shoddy picture:
I feel like I’m finally starting to come out of procrastination fog. Something like five or six years ago, I got myself into this commission of 3 paintings – 2 were 4′ X 4.5′, one was 4.5′ X 6-something’. They should have taken me a few months to do, half a year each on the outside (I’m not that fast or prolific). Instead, they took yeeears. I don’t know what happened, I just could not bring myself to work on them. Even worse, it started to infect my other work. All my inspiration and ambition sort of dried up. I had to force myself to paint in small chunks. “Five minutes! Just do five minutes. Or a couple brushstrokes. You’ll be that much ahead of where you were before.” Finally, last fall, I finished the third painting. I felt so free!
But I still couldn’t get motivated. I’d go to my studio and spend half my time doing Sudokus, then leave to go for a hike. Then this January I finished a 4′ X 4′ painting of an old sign in a neighbouring city, and it sold the first day at the gallery there. So now I’m pulling out all my pics of old signs that I’d been stockpiling, and I just started one that’s 4′ X 5′. I’m actually pumped to get into the studio and work on it. Baby, I’m back!
I feel you. Getting motivated is SO DIFFICULT. And the longer it goes the harder it gets. In a similar procrastination vein, I ended up keeping Ramona and Her Father from my hometown library for two years. The shame still haunts me. But yay you finished it! And the library got their book back.
This is really cool!
I’m going riding tomorrow! I’m very excited, I haven’t been on a horse since christmas, and I haven’t ridden regularly in nearly two years now (How the fuck did that happen.)
Going for a hack around a park somewhere out west of London and I’m hoping there’s nice weather and its worth the two hour train ride each way.
Have fun! I also recently realized that it’s been about 2.5 years since I’ve ridden regularly, and that doesn’t look like it will change soon. Have a lovely time!
I’m stuck in that annoying post college early career phase where I live in a big city with almost no disposable income so no ponys for me!
My horse is back in Ireland with an amazing leaser and hopefully in a few years I’ll be stable enough to buy a new horse that I can have some fun on, in the meantime I live vicariously through Denny Emerson’s Facebook page!
I’m in the exact same situation (with the added bonus of not being able to drive so even if I had the disposable income getting from the city to one of the barns in the area would be difficult). I totally hear you on hoping for more stability and living vicariously in the meantime.
My spouse is going to visit family for the weekend and I am so looking forward to being alone for four whole days.
I’m so glad whenever I am reminded that I am not the only person who looks forward with great relish to my partner’s absences. I love him but cohabitation is HARD.
I love it when my live-in gentleman leaves the house. I have gotten to the point of asking him to leave on weekday nights, so I can just be alone for a few hours. Because I work out right after work, he gets the place to himself for 2 hours multiple nights a week when I have to essentially kick him out in order to do the same.
I think if we had a bit more space, this wouldn’t be an issue, but I feel like we are on top of each other always 🙁
I have a roommate, not a significant other, but I know this feeling well. It was really rough when her classes ended before I got home from work, because she was always at home in the evenings so she got to be alone sometimes and I never did. The way our schedules are right now, I get home before she does, so I get about half an hour of solitude, but it would be really nice to have some longer blocks by myself.
We have a decent amount of space, and I still asked my husband to shift his workout days to be opposite mine so I could have the house to myself sometimes. Enjoy your four days!
I would be barely able to contain my glee at such a situation. Aloooone is soooooo niiiiiiiiiiiiice! And then you’re so happy to see the Other Person. It’s the best.
My husband travels for work something like 40-50% of the time, and the first week he’s gone is just lovely. Starfishing in the bed! Snacks for dinner! Not taking anyone else’s tv preferences into account!
After that I start to miss him.
Toasties, this week we found out that my mom does not have lung cancer!! The little spot in her lung is a granuloma, most likely harmless.
I didn’t eat much this week with worry, and now I have the day off and am planning to eat lunch at my favorite Indian place to celebrate.
What do you do to celebrate good news? 🙂
Whiskey. I do whiskey. It’s also great for bad news! Very versatile, whiskey.
Yay for your mom!
HOORAY!
I pretty much get a meal at my favorite restaurant too. Food is the best.
HAAYYYYY!!!!! That’s so great.
I do sparkling wine. Cava and prosecco are super reasonably priced and delicious. There’s just nothing like popping a cork.
Yay! Internet stranger here, so glad for your family.
internet stranger here too: that’s wonderful news! treat yourself to something sweet, or if you prefer, something savory. <3
Toasties- first of all, I’ve been seeing my highschool sweetheart again and it’s going really well and HE STAYED THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT (WOOT WOOT)
Also- is anyone else really going through a makeup stage? I’m having so much fun with bright lip colors from colourpop.
GET IT, GURL.
I’m going through a makeup…preparatory stage? I don’t typically wear a lot of makeup (mascara only, sometimes lipstick if the mood strikes), but I’ve been thinking about starting using tinted moisturizer or BB cream. This process involves a lot of research for me, so…give me your tinted moisturizer/BB cream recommendations?
I actually really love Maybelline’s dream pure BB.
If you’re super pale like me, go for a korean BB cream – they come in paler shades than are readily available in the west
I like the Stila tinted moisturizer. It comes in my very fair skin tone, and doesn’t have any chemical sunscreen in it. My face doesn’t like chemical sunscreens.
Yay for high school sweethearts! I saw mine off and on through my young adult life and it was nothing but lovely.
I got that ELF cream eyeliner from the Bargain Bin a couple weeks ago ($3!!!) and I’ve been playing with dramatic eyeliner. I’m not awesome at making it look super neat, so I’m kind of just hoping that the smudginess works with my overall semi-disheveled look.
Sounds lovely!
Awwww I love good high school sweethearts! Hooray for you.
I am in a major makeup phase and think I might be wearing too much. I don’t think I wear so much that I look clownish, but there’s probably no need for me to wear foundation, blush, eyeshadow, powder, mascara, AND lip gloss/lipstick. And sometimes eyeliner.
Doesn’t it just make you feel glamorous? It can be so much fun
It does, actually! Makeup is a sort of armor for me so I probably shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
Other than you wanting to! I’m all about a full face whenever; I don’t really do the whole “day-face/night-face” thing other than mayyyybe lightening up on the smokey eye during the day (I have no social life, so if I didn’t wear my makeup to work, I wouldn’t get to wear it at all). My current routine is a BB cream/primer, a little bit of foundation on a few spots that always get red, a light concealer around my eyes and on top of the foundation if I need a bit more coverage, sheer powder, blush, highlighter, brow pencil, eyeshadow (amount varies), almost always a black cat-eye, mascara, setting spray, and lip stuff (anywhere from Blistex to lipstick). Honestly, I have one of those faces that pretty much looks the same no matter what I put on it, but I like to have fun with it to whatever extent suits me, so you do you!
Yo, I wear a full face of makeup every day (at least 3-4 more products than you’ve listed there, including bright red lipstick every damn day). I love the ritual of applying it in the mornings, and it’s the closest we non-X-Men can get to changing our faces at will. Even if I don’t need it, I love it.
All you guys are making me feel so much better about something that I didn’t need to feel bad about in the first place. Thank you!!!
I love make up and I’ve been thinking about being bolder with my makeup. The only bold look I go for is red lipstick (like, every weekend), and I have like 12 red lipsticks. I want to practice smoky eyes for real and I also want to buy a lightweight tinted moisturizer since my skin has not been great this year. Maybe shimmery eyeliner too. Maybe I should go to Sephora this weekend…
I just ordered some Colourpop ultra matte lip stuff and have been enjoying them a lot! I also recently got the Urban Decay Shadow Box from Ulta on sale and I’m pretty into it.
I just discovered hypoallergenic lipstick and it is changing my life. I can wear it every day! No gross peely lips! WHAT I DON’T EVEN. It’s almost like I’m a real girl.
wait
wait
peely lips are from ALLERGIES?
YES oh my god, the past 6 months for me has been tracking down things I’m allergic to. For me, tocopherol or any tocopheryls are bad, and probably something else that’s in normal lipstick. Cheap ($10 and under) options I’ve found:
NYX matte lipstick (but not other lines)
Boots no. 7 (all)
some SHANY lipsticks, which I had never heard of but are on Amazon
Some NYX and no. 7 are at some Targets, but there are a ton more colors online. A while back Boots was running a crazy half off sale so I ordered a bunch of $4 lipsticks with abandon.
For me, the day or two after I would wear lipstick my lips were gross and dry, so I only wore it for special occasions. Now sometimes I put it on when I’m just sitting at home alone and it makes me happy when I catch myself in a mirror.
oh gosh, are you me from the future? NYX matte are the only lipsticks i can currently wear, and i just figured it was because they were more moisturizing or something!! it did not occur to me that it could be an allergy issue. (not sure where you are, but i buy NYX stuff at nordstrom rack — the selection is spotty but they’re generally $3-$8 depending on variety.) i will check out the others too!
Ooh, future-you thanks present-you for the bargain hookup!
If you have any food allergies, even mild ones, they are probably wreaking havoc on you in beauty products. I am allergic to almond oil, citrus, and coconut in terms of skincare. Which basically means all the “natural” stuff is off limits for me. And re:tocopheryls, “vitamin e” is something to watch out for, it’s often tocopheryl acetate, which a lot of people are allergic to. GRRRR for hidden allergens!
Me me! I’ve never cared before, but I’m really into the ritual of it now. I highly recommend the Bite line of lipsticks from Sephora for more bright lip options. They have mini two-sided ones for double the fun!
I went to Sephora this weekend to try to find a more long-lasting red lipstick that exactly matches the shade of my current go-to, which is perfect except for how easily it smudges when I eat/drink/kiss things. They didn’t have such a magical lipstick, so I tried on some deep blue lip stain for the first time. I adored it, and I will likely be returning to buy myself a whole tube.
I’m going through a serious makeup stage. I’ve never been one to wear makeup every day, but lately I like how I look with some face makeup to even out my skin tone. I started by using tinted moisturizer, but I need a little more coverage so the GREAT FOUNDATION QUEST began. And as long as I’m at it, I’ve been experimenting with other product as well.
Face: I have fair, dry, sensitive skin, so it really has been a quest. After trying several drugstore brands, and trips to Sephora and Nordstrom for samples and advice, I finally landed on Laura Mercier Creme Smooth Foundation, and I love love love it. Sheer but buildable, doesn’t show up any dry patches — you can’t even tell I have it on. Expensive, though.
Eyes: I’ve been trying out various drugstore mascaras, trying to find one that works for my particular lashes, and is easy to remove. I started with L’Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tube Technology, but it’s big fat brush doesn’t work for me. Just today, I’ve started a trial of CoverGirl Professional Remarkable Washable Mascara. I’m hopeful! I like the brush much better on this one. I’m also experimenting with tightlining, using the Laura Mercier tightliner powder and a brush. I’m liking it so far. I’m tempted to try doing actual eyeliner, and/or eyeshadow, but that might just be crazytalk.
Lips: I meant to buy a Nars matte pencil based on Toast recommendations, but I got the satin one instead, in Rikugien, which is a nice neutral browned-down pink. I love the look and the texture, but it doesn’t stay on that well, so I don’t know that I’ll buy it again. The same day, I also got a Revlon Balm Stain in Honey, another nuetral pink, and it’s EXCELLENT. Cheap, pigmented, feels good, stays on.
Can anyone recommend a good lip primer? Or linet? Or whatever you use to keep lipstick from migrating into the fine lines around the lips? I tried one from ELF but it’s like a white-out stick for your lips and that’s not what I was expecting, lol. I need something taht works with sheer-er lipsticks
It DOES get better! You will be tired, and possibly questioning every single thing in your life’s balance, but enjoy the time with your newborn. I know everyone says this but it is true. I spent WAY too much time being worried about cleaning up and getting dinner made even though I swore I wouldn’t and it made me feel guilty and miserable. Just keep reading that quote/poem about how “babies don’t keep” and hug them close.
On a new mom related note: I am driving myself crazy trying to grow out my hair. When my now toddler was about 4 months old I decided to finally take the plunge and chop off my long hair for a pixie cut. Best haircut ever!!!! Until I decided that if I wanted to have another kid, I would want to be able to pull back my hair during labor… and now I’m stuck in the awful purgatory that is waiting for one’s hair to be somewhat acceptable again.
tl/dr the whole cutting your hair after having a kid thing *might* be a mistake. Weigh your options accordingly.
Completely unrelated to labour/babies; when I had short hair I loved those wide cotton headbands for keeping my hair out of my face when I was doing things that required being sweaty and moving a lot.
So you know, growing out your hair isn’t the only option!
I know it, but for some reason I just DO NOT WANT to have to wear a headband. No matter what kind they are (and I’ve tried them ALL whilst having short hair!) they never stay on my head properly. I wear glasses and get migraines easily so this is a big part of it 🙁
Just a work rant to say that I’m going on maternity leave in four weeks and my company haven’t approved the budget for my maternity cover still even though we requested it five months ago and I’ve found a very, very good candidate who is interested in the hypothetical position. So, because I’ll be gone and unable to do an in-person handover if he DOES get the position once the budget’s approved, I now have to spend my remaining four weeks doing work AND writing a ‘how to’ document for everything I do. I’m the only one in my department who does my job so other people can’t train him. Writing the document is draining. However, the one ray of light I have been able to shed on this is that I’ve called the document “Smeekipedia” (as you can guess by my username, my surname is Smee), and seeing that AMAZING JOKE on the header of each page that I write is making me giggle.
That sucks! Why is it no company can manage a smooth maternity cover handover? A similar thing happened at my company at Christmas, the woman was worked off her ass through the whole pregnancy, they never bothered getting a cover, and in the end she had to leave a week early because the doctors said so.
Still though, yay baby! I’ve been wondering how Smee Jr is getting on!
They seem to want me to push back my leaving date by a week, but that would have me working to four days before my due date, so no way.
Baby Smee is wriggling along nicely! All is going very well, though she has some treatment she needs on her feet once she’s born, but that isn’t really so much of a bother as surgery’s not needed, just physio, and it’s very treatable, so really all is great! Really looking forward to leaving work for nine months, particularly as they’ve muffed up the cover so much.
Oh dear, I’m glad it’s only something simple, but that must have been scary; baby girl! How fabulous, another member of the misandry brigade to train up!!
Since it’s so cold and dark ATM I’m dreaming of toast meetups in a park with sunshine and picnics, you’ll have to come along and show off the squirt if we ever get it organized!
Nah it’s fine, when you google it the first thing you find out is that Steven Gerrard and Kristi Yamaguchi had it as kids so i didn’t even have time to be scared.
I’m planning to live in hilly fields and ladywell fields and Blythe hill park during the summer so yes please!
Maybe this means your child will be super athletic!
Ugh, replacements not being hired in a timely manner is a terrible situation. I had the same thing when I left my admin job for university, my boss procrastinated on hiring someone all summer despite constant reminders, and then hired my sister a week before I left – so I had a week to train her AND the pressure of not wanting to let her down. :/
smeesmeesmee, I’m just popping in to wish you an easy birth and a healthy baby.
Inspired by some of this morning’s Twitter conversation, if you were to design a themed library, what would the theme be? Multiple answers encouraged. Here are mine, in no particular order:
-Witch cottage
-Quiet corner at a speakeasy
-Abandoned futuristic underground bunker
Also, the library at my alma mater, which is beautiful and has lots of different types of cozy chairs in different types of cozy rooms, and I miss it more than anything else there.
I didn’t realize I needed a witch cottage library until this moment!
Hobbit hole, all the way. Or greenhouse.
24-hour 50’s diner with comfy booths, big windows, and jukeboxes full of reading music.
No wait, the card catalog is a jukebox!
-Mountain hut
-Small coffee shop on an island
-Bunk room at a camp, with little curtains you can pull closed around the beds
Well shoot. Who needs to work a regular job *at* a library when I could just be on twitter talking about awesome imaginary ones??? Sorry I missed all of that chatter! And I’m voting for a cozy Hobbit Hole.
I would just replicate the library from Beauty and the Beast, because, damn.
It is real!
It’s in a monastery in Austria?
OMG
bbl, moving to Austria for a few lives.
– Cookbook library with rentable kitchen stations so you can try things out on the spot
– Rooftop library, because there’s nothing more pleasant than sitting on a warm roof and reading
-reclusive naturalist’s library built up over the past 200 years
-No Books By Men At All (probably includes a low-key drumming circle)
-that feeling when you’re stranded at a hotel/cabin because of unexpected weather/mechanical failure and you’re wandering around aimlessly and then you find the room that’s full of books, and they have a whole bunch of things you’ve been meaning to read but you haven’t found the time? That room.
1. Ooooooooooooooooh.
2. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
3. Yesssssssssss.
It would probably involve lots of sleepy cats. And ferns.
And maybe a few secret rooms that you would just stumble into. One of them would be like an old apothecary’s shop, full of vials and beakers and doubtful liquids. Another room would be empty except for the dozens of crystals and wind chimes suspended from the ceiling.
There would also be a solarium with plants and statues of Athena.
This sounds a lot like the setting of the interactive fiction game Bronze: http://ifdb.tads.org/viewgame?id=9p8kh3im2j9h2881
Interesting, I will have to check that out! Thanks!
Oh, you are a geeeeeenius. What a wonderful thing to dream about.
Also, Steampunk/Victoriana+Addams mansion. Oh, or Wonderland themed, either Victorian, but heavy on the whimsy, or straight up Red Queen.
I am also realizing I deeply need a witch cottage. Maybe I will build one out back.
Wonderland themed! Oh my gosh! Checkerboard floors and marble everywhere!
I tried to form a comment hours ago and I am still happily speculating about possibilities with no firm answers. Possibly my favorite prompt ever.
The stuff you’d put into a children’s section at a public library, but adult-sized. Lots of beanbags and cozy chairs for sitting, maybe a cool sculpture or something that doubles as more reading space (a castle? some big indoor tree?), friendly librarians that believe in you and always know the best books to recommend.
Alternatively (or additionally?!), a library that’s actually twice as big as it looks because there are secret passages everywhere and secret hidden reading rooms (and a special room for tea and snacks, always stocked with your favorite foods) that only you and your closest, truest friends know how to find.
YES
A variety of cat trees would need to be built in around the place, inhabited by cats of course, and walkways for them to get about (what, did you expect them to use the floor?)
Plants would lurk around too.
And musical instruments. My partner has a wall in the bedroom covered with musical instruments. Dulcimers and ukuleles and a guitar and various small things, and then of course there’s the piano, and my harp in the other room. Build them into a library and it would be fabulous. You always need more harps, too.
OMG yes, MOAR HARPS!
Witch cottage library is the theme of my future house.
Cabin in a pirate ship.
Ooo. OOO. This question is all of my interests and most of my needs.
-Hobbit cottage
-Treehouse
-Underground cave with bookshelves in the stalagmites and stalactites
-A room of nothing but curved, private nooks and the squashiest chairs with individual lighting for each nook and a place to hold tea and snacks
1. Submarine. Specifically, the Nautilus.
2. Magic lab/study.
3. GREENHOUSE. Not the too warm and damp kind, but a huge dome-shaped greenhouse with exactly the right temperature, filled with natural (or expertly faked) light without any annoying bright spots, plants and bookshelves everywhere and a pond with waterlilies in the middle. An antidote to long winters.
This is the most soothing prompt. I’m so happy reading all the answers, even though I don’t have any ideas myself right now. I will ponder this.
Hair dye question: Toastfriends, please help. I remember a chat about hair dye and got excited about unnatural colors available as a conditioner-like application. What was it, please?
My naturally dark hair has enough gray now to make dying fun. My usual henna routine is no longer satisfying, since it takes so much time and makes such a mess when my new haircut includes an undercut that grows so fast. I get the dyed bit cut off just a couple weeks after spending all day with the henna-and-cleanup routine.
Probably Manic Panic, but there are other brands that are similar 🙂
Ooh, what does it do, does it just dye the grey and leave the rest dark?? That sounds AWESOME
Yes, the henna makes the gray strands bright orange, which I love. I could choose a henna sift with less intensity for a more natural red color, but that would not be as much fun. The dark hair does take on a very slight red, but only visible in bright sunlight and only if you look for it. So almost no *color* effect on the dark hair. The henna does make all of my hair feel good. It smooths and plumps and gives a fantastic feel when I run my hands through my hair.
I use Jerome Russell Punky Hair. You just put it on, leave for 20-30 minutes and rinse out. I have medium brown hair and it’s pretty bright even when I don’t bleach it first, and then it fades nicely.
Yes yes yes for Punky Color! I have been using their Violet or Plum colours for about 3 years now. It looks fabulous over gray and fades beautifully until you’re ready to do it again. I usually do it every 4 weeks, and one tub of the stuff gives me 2 dyes on my earlobe-length hair. You do need a bleach-based cleaner for bathroom clean-up, though.
Any semi permanent dye will work that way, its the bleach that makes it all complicated. Just go buy some, stick it in your hair (wear gloves!) for like an hour and wash.
I forgot to mention: I can’t bleach. My superfine hair just wilts and breaks off if I do that. And I don’t have much hair any more so I can’t afford to lose any (middle-aged hair thinning).
I think you probably mean Overtone?
It was Overtone in a previous conversation.
Overtone!!! I use it to keep my fuchsia hairs bright for seven weeks at a time!
http://overtone.co/
Yes, it was Overtone. Thanks and admiration for your fuchsia.
Yes, this is it. Thanks so much.
Yes, exactly! Than you.
while manic panic is probably thicker than the henna you’re using, it’s still a mess in many ways. you can brush it onto the gray and lighter hair that will allow it to show, but you’ll want to clip it up if there are long parts, and you’ll want a dark towel since it will bleed for days afterwards. it also rubs off on fabric, so any light pillow cases and necks of shirts will pick it up. the good news is, i’m pretty sure it always washed out of fabrics as well, so it’s not permanent damage, but it does kinda get everywhere.
i used to cut it with conditioner and apply with a dye brush [i had a lot of long hair to cover] and the cover with a plastic bag to really get it to soak in over hours, for max intensity.
This sound just like my henna routine. I have a designated towel and pillow case for hair dye week. I have a designated hair dye day shirt. I use cheap shower caps under plastic wrap for 4 hours.
I am a fiend for Pravana ChromaSilk Vivids. I find it bleeds less than Manic Panic and it works better for my hair in terms of staying bright longer. There are fewer colors, but you have a great red option and an orange if that’s your thing. It will stain your scalp, though, if you are using it for an undercut. That will fade out fast enough but if that sort of thing bothers you, worth noting. It’s technically not a conditioner application – as in, you still have to glove up, apply, wait fifteen minutes, and rinse. You can throw some in your conditioner or shampoo to keep your color vital, but that’s hard on your shower and towels and pillowcases.
And I have to ask… I have fairly long hair but I got a bad layered cut that I hate and have been growing it out for a while. I have been sorely tempted to shave a mohawk, because, you know, Valkyrie shieldmaiden badassery, but I am intimidated by the notion of getting tired of it and having to grow out the undercut. How long have you had an undercut and do you have regrets and is this your Forever Hair or is there a plan to transition to something else?
I was just considering a mohawk! Great minds, etc.
I suspect I have advantages you don’t (yet) have.
I am one of the older Toastfolk. Age is helpful in having no fucks to give. So regrets are afraid of me and stay away. I can take transitions in stride. Who says my growing out phase looks weird? Few would say it to my face. If they did, I’d laugh and thank them for the comedy. Like I care what anyone thinks. Only my opinion counts.
Age also banishes any thought of a Forever anything. Life is change. Nothing is forever. Easy to see from this vantage.
I have tired of multiple hair styles. And I have transitioned out of them with varying degrees of impatience. But the nuisance of growing out has never outweighed the delight I felt when the old cut was new. I have never regretted trying new looks.
The advantage I wish on no one: I have lost many of my hair follicles. The advantage is heavy encouragement to find a cut that minimizes that balding look. Only shorter hair (or wigs — yuck) can do that.
I inherited age-related thinning hair. You see it on older women all the time. Most go with some fluffy style to camouflage a visible scalp. I have not. I currently have 2- to 3-inch long messy spikes on top and keep the rest of my head covered in only 1/4 inch stubble. I like this look. For now. I’ll get another style when I see one within the capacities of my hair.
I just don’t want to look like I chose my current hairstyle 30 years ago. I want my hair to signal that my ideas are not as old as my body. Maybe some teal highlights to replace my gray.
Mohawk! I am voting yes. Consider this a yes.
I literally just gasped aloud when you mentioned teal. DO IT. COME OVER AND I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. THIS MUST HAPPEN.
I have been obsessed with mermaid hair but have been red-based for years, so I have some work to go before I can get back into the cools. (Doesn’t it just *sound* great? The Cools.) I am doing that thing parents should never do and hoping secretly my daughter will grow up to love color as much as I do so I can play with her gorgeous hair and do fun stuff to fulfill my own enthusiasm for expressive hair. She has been helping me design characters for various video games and she always demands pink, purple, orange, or white hair, so I am holding out hope.
Two thoughts: a vivid teal does require some bleaching, which is not an option here. If you have been red and henna’d, there are some limitations on what you can use without an interim step to neutralize your color first. If you would like, I will consult with a hair dresser friend who is a mad scientist of color about what she would do to go from henna in reds to a cool color in semi-perm color.
All of this has been interesting and thought-provoking and, I have to say it, you are just damn delightful. This especially is fantastic: “I want my hair to signal that my ideas are not as old as my body.”
Due to medication and illness, my hair has thinned considerably from the crowning glory and fantastic canvas it once was, so this was extremely… reassuring? Realistic? Comforting? Elucidating? Cheering? That’s not exactly how I want to describe it, but, close enough. Thank you.
Please consider contacting me at rmcd1974 [at] hotmail [dot] com. I live in central Texas. If I remember correctly, you live in a city I visit regularly. I would like to meet you. But if you are at all uncomfortable, just ignore this note. It’s OK.
I was totally not kidding about coming over to dye your hair teal. I am tickled at the notion of a ToastFriend dropping in for tea and color experiments.
I can vouch for the RoseCamelia in person experience. Also, her hair is always excellent.
You are the sweetest!
Do you mean coloured conditioner? That’s usually used when your hair is already dyed, I think using it on undyed hair will just result in a mild tint.
Semi-permanent dyes are really easy but if bleaching is not an option, don’t expect light pastel hair. Which colours were you thinking of getting?
If you have grey or white hair, I know that there are special precautions you need to take when choosing and using dye since it’s finer and more fragile. I don’t remember the details. Other than that, the grey areas will look very bright depending on how light they are. Maybe you can use toners (the ones you’d use on bleached hair to adjust the amount of yellow and grey) but I don’t know if they work on naturally grey hair.
P.S.: Don’t use Manic Panic unless you want something very temporary, I’ve never heard a single good thing about how well it lasts.
Anyone with terrible phone anxiety want to commiserate? I have to call money people with my actual voice and oh my god I am dying I cannot do this.
It is never as bad as I know and fear it is going to be! Also I make a lot of notes before calling. Sometimes including something funny to say if the opportunity arises. But mostly a checklist so I don’t hang up and realize I never really asked for a really important part of my ask.
Yes notes are very helpful! And you can continue making notes and small adorable doodles while on the call. It makes things seem Official and therefore manageable.
Internet fistbump. Phone anxiety sucks – I find writing a script of what I’m going to say (and possibly potential replies to a couple of things they are likely to ask) to be helpful.
Sometimes I fill in a CBT anxiety thought-record sheet working out likely it is that they will actually yell at me or think I am stupid, before calling. That helps a bit too.
Ugh yes it’s so hard. I’m totally procrastinating a money call but I did manage to bundle a bunch of calls last week to make appointments. It helped to make a lower stakes call first.
I am here for you forever and always. Let’s go back in time and find Alexander Graham Bell and yell at him a bunch! (Okay, he might not have actually invented it, but he did get the patent and the credit, and also he worked to stamp out sign language so we can yell at him about that if we like.)
I feel you. Why can’t I text them!? I just want to not talk to humans. I actually LIKE the automated answering services I can use to navigate the menu to do the thing myself. Or a website. Yes. No talking.
I have to call people and take calls as part of my job and I’m fine with it (personal calls are harder for me) but today I had to call the UPS help line about something and the guy started off the conversation with an attitude, was making assumptions about the situation instead of listening to what I was saying and was just generally unpleasant.
When I had determined there was nothing he could do for me over the phone, I didn’t even try to end the conversation. I had said “okay so basically you can’t help me,” and paused, and he didn’t say anything so instead of trying to wrap it up I just hung up the phone.
It was satisfying but at the same time I thought “he’s probably on the other end thinking wow, what a bitch” or something.
Lately I’ve been approaching phone conversations like a game or an acting assignment — how nice and syrupy-sweet can I sound when I’m actually boiling mad? How calm can I sound about something when I’m actually freaking out? Also, I generally assume that when I’m calling places with big call centers, even if I make an ass of myself on the phone with one person I’ll probably never have to talk to that same person again.
I KNOW RIGHT. i had to call ADT yesterday about something that was NOT SALES and they just kept repeatedly pitching ADT to me. and i politely listened, waiting for the opportunity to cut in, as you do — until i just thought, FUCK this, i am under no obligation to be polite to this person who is in fact actively being rude to me by completely ignoring why i called — and i said “excuse me, i’m sure that’s a great offer and i appreciate it, but it has nothing to do with why i called and i would like for you to please address my concern instead.”
SO PROUD.
eta: i just reread this and it does not sound like i was very assertive. but for me this is quite assertive and i said it FIRMLY.
Gah, yes, haaaate calling people! I try to work out a script beforehand when I can’t possibly avoid it any longer.
I hate phone calls so much. Especially with people I’ve never talked to before. I normally spend a little bit of time mentally preparing and reminding myself that it’s not going to be as bad as I think and that I am generally not a complete awkward idiot while on the phone. And once I do it, I take a few minutes after to mentally rest because it’s always a stressful experience.
I do tend to write out what I want to say or general notes before I make a call. And also take notes during because otherwise I tend to blank out and just hear a bunch of white noise instead of a human voice if I don’t force myself to focus somehow.
My big fear with phone calls is that I will not be able to understand what the other person is saying, and have to keep asking over and over for them to repeat, and each time they repeat it becomes more incomprehensible. This has actually happened to me.
Ugh, this happened this morning when I had to call my mental health clinic to get my meds refilled (oh the ironic anxiety of having to make a phone call to get your anxiety meds). Since it’s based in Chinatown the clinician on duty has to be bilingual, and had a thick accent. There were a number of awkward “I’m sorry…?” “Could you repeat that…” moments.
Oh, phones. I detest them with all my heart, especially when combined with money. Good luck!
Sometimes I prepare a secret escape plan, like a photo-heavy magazine or website or special drink that I can enjoy during the phone call. That way if the person I am talking to is pushing me too close to the panic zone, I can mentally veer off into “What a beautiful dress Naomi Watts wore to the Oscars!” or “This coffee is good, but maybe I’ll add some maple syrup as soon as this call is over and then it will be sublime.”
Sometimes I have to trick myself by quickly dialing the number before my brain catches up to what I’m doing.
Omg I’m not alone? I was kind of almost-sure that I was the only person in the entire world who gets this kind of phone anxiety. I start to hyperventilate as soon as I start to dial and then if I actually manage to call a person I rush through what i have to say in a huuuuuuge monologue and then I get really confused when the other person says things that are not in my script. Ugh. Telephones are the worst.
On the other hand, if I was able to call people whose languages I don’t speak in advertising departments of Eastern European newspapers in my old job, I can probably do the phone thing again, yes?
Interfacing with people and also money are the living worst.
I have to just bully myself into Just Doing It, eventually. I am sure it will go well, though. You will be fine!!
If you know what you need to say you can literally script it onto 3 by 5 cards and read it (I’ve done this while trying to find freelance clients, it is scary but the words are right in front of you!). If there’s a chance you’ll be on hold bring a book or handheld game to focus on during down times. I wig out before calling–it is completely stressful–but I’ve interviewed people who were completely put at ease by my frantic, sweaty incompetence, so I’m betting you can get in there and make something good happen with the money people.
Ugh, phone calls. I’ve gotten a lot better (scripts are my friend!) than I used to be, and I can even call my bank now without any fuss. But my mother, bless her, will occasionally call for appointments for me if I ask because if left to my own devices, I’ll usually manage to find a way to forget to call. It’s not at all ideal but it works for now.
It is the worst, and this week and next week would have been so much better if I didn’t have to deal with it, so I feel you.
*internet jedi hugs*
It is so nice to know other people have to deal with this. I made a script and will call Monday. And then maybe take a nice hike, weather permitting.
Late to the phone-anxiety party, but I am the type of person who is comfortable with stage acting but hideously nervous about public speaking, so sometimes I will decide to adopt some of the the vocal tone/demeanor of a fictional character who I consider to be more confident and better at answering phones than I am. (Veronica Mars has been an especially good one, but Dana Scully, Cordelia Chase, and Leslie Knope have also worked.) No one needs to know you are doing this but you.
So I am now co-hosting a podcast for the DC Public Library! It’s called “Filament”, and it’s about 3D printing (among other librarian-y things). You can listen to it on Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/dc-public-library/sets/fil…
WHAT UP this is so timely! Our local library has a 3D printer and I’ve realized I have no idea how to go about planning to use it, years of conceptual science fiction having rather let me down on the practicalities.
Depending on what model they have, the answer may be YouTube! Videos by other makers are 90% of how I taught myself to use ours.
That said, 3D printing (at least at the desktop level) still needs some work. I call my job “robot babysitting” because they can be such fussy little machines, but I still love them. 😛
youtube vidoes are definitely how we do it at my library. And yes, they break, and are so finicky. But when the 3d printer works it is so much fun.
YAY DC Library! I use you great folks all the time to feed my reading habit. (Mt. Pleasant is my branch)
Mt. Pleasant Toastie meetup???
Sign me up!
I am here for all DC Library talk! Takoma is my branch and I think it’s just the prettiest building. Went to a lecture on the use of torture in the Middle Ages at Shaw and a party for Banned Books Week at MLK where I may have tried to drink my ticket’s cost in the provided cocktails…
I’ve been having some Bad Times lately. My brain is a mess and it’s March which apparently triggers a depression spiral in me now even though it’s spring and it’s beautiful and I shouldn’t be sad. (two Marchs ago I almost died. But then I didn’t. But sometimes it still freaks me out.)
Anyway almost the only thing making me happy right now is that NEW CAPTAIN AMERICA TRAILER OMG. It’s going to be amazing, right? It had better be amazing.
Sooooo who wants to talk MCU?
Spring and fall are big triggers for a lot of people – something about the changing sun doing things to meletonin levels, I think? It’s common, so don’t feel bad about feeling bad!
I think it’s mostly that it’s a new thing for me. I always really get slammed by SAD in late fall/early winter, but I’m used to it and I know how to cope. Spring used to be for me a time where I get really excited and in some ways it still is–but I have this background dread and it takes me some time to work out ‘yes, there is a reason for this.’
Don’t know if it’s the same for you, but I had an emergency week in hospital last march and this year I found the late winter/early spring light knocked me sideways, like every day from mid-January *looked* like the days I was in hospital. I wasn’t really prepared for that sort of all-pervasive reminder… Like you, I’d like Normal Spring Excitement back, please.
Hugs if you want them, I hope the depression lifts for you.
I don’t follow the MCU recently, but I do get weird seasonal depression spirals that seem related to *bad things* that happened at certain times of the year. In a way it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one.
Hugs if you want them, and I wish you much joy with the new Captain America!
The one good thing I’ve learned from the internet is you’re never the “only one”
Of course it still freaks you out. Almost dying is extremely traumatic, and when traumatic things happen, it is totally normal to get upset when the trauma anniversary rolls around. Please take good care of yourself and seek out whatever kindness and support you might need, both from yourself & from your loved ones.
(And I say this as someone who knows, it has been 35+ years since we had that kind of trauma and we still feel the anniversaries, although it is much easier than it used to be.)
Yeah, I get that. I think it’s that it still kind of sneaks up on me and surprises me. All week I’ve been in a terrible shitty place and I finally looked at the calendar and was like ‘oh.’ I just have to remind myself that the road back to health is a jagged line and that you get through it, one way or another.
I am really sorry for the shitty place.
It sneaks up on us, too, even though we know, we really /do/ know — but still, we forget just what it feels like and how hard it is and think ‘Surely we’re just exaggerating! It won’t happen this year!’, and then one of them hits (October is the really bad one) and we’re like.. OH RIGHT.
It is a jagged line, but you can make it. For us, those things will always be things that happened, but they have shrunk in size a lot over the years, and keep shrinking more, so the shadow they cast is smaller & smaller & now instead of feeling awful from, oh, Sept 1 – Nov 1 inclusive, it is more just a few bad days in October. In the meantime, I hope you will be very gentle with yourself and do whatever it is you do to cope without any self-judgement.
6 years since the worst year of my life, almost-dying twice and having shingles and…a ton of other s*&*t. The worst was Memorial Day weekend, which up until that year was my favorite because it was the first time you could actually garden here and probably not have everything die from cold. Now I have to be VERY clear on my weekend plans, I know that I can’t stay at home that weekend, I need to make sure I’m in company and distracted. It’s not hyperventilating painful anymore, but it is…off. Just off. All I can do is let it happen and plan to be surprised if I’m not emotionally ambushed. It seems to help, at least now it’s not so raw.
I have to write a conference paper. I haven’t really produced text about my dissertation in … a while and, well, that’s not writer’s block anymore, that’s a writer’s barricade. The paper needs to be finished and presentable in 10 days, and there’s three more work days (which has been stressful as well) and my +1’s birthday tomorrow. So far I’ve got three paragraphs, two of which are incomplete… This is not going to end well. Also, what was I thinking writing that abstract?!
I’m going to fly to Seattle in 10 days! It’s my first time flying for longer than 2 hours! I’m scared and excited!
Any tips for surviving long-ass flights?
Seattle toasties, any sightseeing tips? Where is the best food?
Is anyone else going to be at the PCA/ACA National Conference ?
Also, from March 26th I’ll hang out at UC Fullerton geeking over Philip K. Dick’s correspondence. I’m sooo excited.
You can do it! Do you have an outline for the paper? Sometimes it helps me to just make the most detailed outline ever, and then fill it in with words to makes sentences.
Seattle has some great food. It depends on where you are staying (which I assume is downtown by the conference center). In Capitol Hill, just a short bus ride up the hill there is this cheese bar called Culture Club that I love. A wine bar downtown called La Caviste is great, as is Radiator Whiskey, near Pike Place Market. For eating of the foods, there are a ton places in Captiol Hill (Poquitos, Quinns, Sitka and Spruce, and Machiavellis come to mind).
Ah yes, I do have an outline – it’s just the leg work and suffering the worst case of impostor’s syndrome. The fact that this is potentially going to be listened to by actual people I don’t already know gives me no small amount of anxiety.
And omg you’re speaking my language! Cheese bar! Woah. Thank you sooo much for this very important information!
Witness on Broadway (Cap Hill) is also great. It’s modeled after a church and is essentially the platonic ideal of the South. Best fried chicken ever.
this sounds perfect. I squeed out loud when I looked at their homepage 🙂
You are smart, and you have worked hard to earn this opportunity. Write all the things!!!
The best thing for longer flights is a book (or books, for really super long ass flights) compelling enough that you can be completely absorbed in it! Also a small assortment of favorite snacks, and headphones. And comfortable socks so you can take your shoes off.
I am also interested in talking about long-ass flights! I have one that is 15 hours long coming up soon and I am not excited. I’m planning on wearing lots of comfy layers (yoga pants, tank top, tunic, vest, sweatshirt) and bringing a blanket because I am always freezing. I’m also planning on bringing lots of water and snacks and ebooks.
Mine is almost 15 hours long as well – even though I have to change flights in London. I’ve been told that this is easier than going through immigrations when changing flights on US soil, but I’m kind of worried that two hours will be too little time to catch my flight without horribly confused accidents…
Yes books. Yes onion-like clothes.
Earplugs, a washcloth in a ziploc bag, and a toothbrush with toothpaste will do wonders to help you feel like a human. Eyemask & seat cushion for bonus points.
Is UC Fullerton where PKD’s archives are? This is mighty random, but I *may* have found an old travel razor of his in a junk shop a decade ago, and I’ve always wanted to see about maybe getting it authenticated. I brought it to the SciFi Museum in Seattle when I was there for a conference (a pop music one in EMP next door), but they really focus on movies/tv more than books and didn’t seem to be super serious about the research end of things.
When I found the razor (one of those 60s travel kits in a pile of other ones, but it has Philip K Dick handwritten on the outside? I paid all of 3 bucks) I was very concerned for the rest of the day that some asshole alien would show up and mess up my life.
As far as I know UC Fullerton hosts a collection of Dick’s correspondence (thihihi) – as in letters and documents. No idea about actual objects. I shall report in the open thread in two or three weeks when I have actually been there 🙂 .
Honestly, this is so cool!!!!
Last night I checked out Blue Acre Seafood’s Happy Hour, 3-6PM, I highly recommend it. The restaurant is about 2 blocks from the convention center so good for a quick bite.
Sightseeing- Gas Works Park, it’s one of the best views of the city and it’s where that paintball scene from 10 Things I Hate About You was filmed, bonus!
Comfy clothes with lots of layers you can take off and put back on! Books, music/podcasts (and most crucially headphones so you can ignore seatmates whether or not you’re listening to anything), maybe a notebook you can scribble in when you get too restless to read or listen to anything any longer? That last one is definitely key to me for long trips.
The single best coffee shop in Seattle is called Slate and the original one is in Ballard, but they just opened two more in the University District and Pioneer Square. You must go. They are wonderful AND they are all friendly instead of rude and snobbish, unlike the other “best coffee shop in Seattle,” Vivace, which seems to cultivate the unpleasant barista brand.
My favorite restaurant is called Annapurna, and it’s truly amazing Nepalese food. Think Indian but everything is creamier in the coconut milk realm and a bit crisper on the vegetable front. It’s on Broadway and Denny, in Capitol Hill. My personal favorite breakfast spot is Glo’s, but expect to sit outside for a bit to wait if you go on a weekend morning.
Lastly, I love love love the Olympic Sculpture Park! On a clear day you have spectacular mountain views, and on a cloudy day it’s still lovely.
Ohhhhh my goddddd Glo’s *drool*
Also, grapefruitlife, if you find yourself in Fremont: Roxie’s Diner. Apple cinnamon challa French toast. Assuming you’re not gluten-free, it is heaven. They also have an extensive menu of other delicious things, if French toast for whatever reason is not your jam.
This is a bit of a niche thing to do, for sure, but if you find yourself in the International District, check out the Pinball Museum. It’s a flat fee to get in (I think somewhere in the $15 to $18 range?) and it is a wonderland of pinball machines, all on free play. You can play pinball and retro video games like Pac Man and Seawolf until you literally cannot stand anymore (ask me how I know). They serve drinks, adult and otherwise, and there is every manner of delicious food within walking distance. Pho, dim sum, bubble tea, stuff, more stuff, other things… it’s good times.
In my upcoming weekend of Adult Pleasures, I will be bleeding into my new Thinx underwear for the first time, as well as trying out our newly arrived Fancy Blender Food Processor System Thingy! Ah, who knew adulthood could be so excitttinnngg! (in reality, yes, I am quite excited about both).
Anyway! What do you blend and/or food process?! Perfect smoothies? Kickass hummus? Weird healthy desserts made of pulverized things? Tell me your tales of blending and food processing!
Smitten Kitchen walnut jam cake is the highest possible use of a food processor.
Pun absolutely intended–this cake is totally my jam. I can’t wait to try it!
I use my immersion blender for extremely nonhealthy and delicious oil-based cakes, mostly by Nigella: https://www.nigella.com/recipes/clementine-cake https://www.nigella.com/recipes/chocolate-olive-o…
If you got a Ninja, be careful!!!!! Both my sister and I have sliced our fingers on the blades — she on the blender, me on the food processor. Just throw that ish in the dishwasher, don’t try to handwash!
It is–thanks for the tip! I will beware the ninja blades!
I actually wash my Ninja by putting some hot soapy water in it and just running it for a couple of minutes! Gets everything 99% clean, then all you have to do is rinse off the blades and wipe down the rest.
I should try that. I got cut the first time I used my food processor so I have been a baby since then.
oh man, i love my vitamix! i do make a morning smoothie which is kale, apple, lemon, ginger, and sometimes cucumber, with a dash of hemp seeds. the apple, lemon and ginger all do different things to take bitterness out of the kale and it’s an awesome breakfast.
then there are nut milks. i don’t make them to avoid dairy, but they’re great for things like chia puddings or making your own coconut milk for recipes. i also blend nuts into soups to thicken them up, which is a very nice hearty addition.
on the processor side of things, i like to rice cauliflower for grain-free pizza crusts. i also make nut butters in the processor. i don’t do traditional baking, so i don’t really use a mixer anymore, but for my coconut flour breads, the processor is a great place to mix all the batter ingredients. and of course, i grate all my parmesan and mozzarella with the grating attachment for lasagna days.
Preach the smoothie gospel, sister! GentlemanX and I got a Vitzmix for Christmas and smoothies for breakfast every day = AMAZING. He calls them health potions, and I actively sleep for an hour less a night. A+ use of a blender.
i just received my first Grownup Blender as a gift and last night i made enchilada sauce. a billion thumbs way up, it was SO satisfying how EVERYTHING BECAME SUDDENLY LIQUID
also i misread/mentally condensed your comment as saying that this weekend you would be “excitedly bleeding” into your new underwear and now i feel like this is my target state of mind for all future menstruation.
oo and also — as far as i’m concerned, anything consisting of a green thing + a nut + garlic + some cheese constitutes pesto and this is a fantastic use of any motorized kitchen equipment. also chimichurri!!! huh, i just realized i have been using my blender and food processor a LOT this week 🙂
Raita!
Chocolate hummus–I don’t have a favorite recipe & am always winging it, but it’s nice to take a savory thing and make it sweet for a change. Also: potato-carrot vegan cheese sauce, and a vegan cookie-dough dip that is based on white beans. I’m trying to cut back on both of them since I moved, but YUM.
I pull out my food processor for all kinds of grating things. Make vegetable fritters and use the grater in your food processor to get long delicate strands of vegetable matter that will fry up crisp and delicious! Make homemade mac & cheese and grate the cheese with no effort at all! Or grated veggie salads – there’s a Smitten Kitchen carrot-harissa-feta salad that is one of my favorite things in the entire world.
Vegan cheeses! They’re totally magical. Fermenting things makes me feel like a witch.
http://www.thisrawsomeveganlife.com/2012/10/this-…
Just here to say: YAAAAAY, Thinx! They’re the best, and really changed my relationship with “Shark Week”, as we like to call it in my house.
Salsa. Mmmmmm.
Can we start a sports/workout thread?
I am into my second month into BJJ and I’m having so much fun. I had to skip this whole week because my jerk head decided to grace me with migraines. Now that I’m better, I’m going to try to add in running and try not to wear myself out.
Also, thanks to all the Toasties from a few weeks ago who gave me wonderful advice on how to recover from class by eating something right away. It helped.
This was my first week since my personal training package ran out and I actually managed to stick to the weight-lifting regimen myself! Even the scary box jump squat things that she made me do. I’m so uncoordinated that I’m really averse to plyometric exercises, but I think the fact that I’ve been doing yoga more regularly has made a big difference in my balance.
I’ve been ill for the better part of a week so I worked out only once, on Tuesday. I’m debating whether to exercise today. On the other hand, exercise makes you feel better, yes? On the other hand, I can barely breathe. Which is problematic.
Here for it. I have been trying to work out 4 or 5 times a week lately and I did really well with it this week. Also bought some heavier weights because I want to get swole arms (isn’t “swole” just the worst word? I hate it so much that I love it.)
When I did boxing a few years, I became a total meathead about my upper body muscle. I even had my friend feel my bicep, I was so proud.
yessss, I started lifting weights about 2 months ago and my arm muscles are starting to get bigger and well-defined and I’m getting very vain about it. It is so fun, I love it surprisingly much.
I’ve been regularly going to yoga 4x a week, and sometimes even manage some yoga at home so I’m doing yoga solidly 5-6x a week right now. HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND.
Currently debating whether to throw some more $$$$ down the yoga hole so I can take classes at the studio by my house AND a weekly aerial yoga class. Which is an absurd and absolutely not cost-effective way to do it (2 studios?? what am I, a millionaire?!) but I am sorely tempted.
I hate my right lower leg muscles for seizing up into some kind of epic charley horse a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t run since Monday and I feel like I’ve already lost all the progress from the last six weeks and it SUCKS.
Sports massage is the answer. Get thee to a good sports masseuse. Mine is the only reason I managed to run a marathon.
I work out faithfully twice a week and LOVE my workout! But I have such a hard time adding a third? Because my workouts are monday-wednesday, so naturally a Friday or Saturday workout would seem best? But fridays after work I am WRECKED and useless, and Saturdays are snuggle days and chore days and cooking days with the fella, and I just can’t? Ideas? Suggestions?
I finished Darebee’s Foundation Light. That went well! Then I tried their 90 Days of Action, because it was labelled as not much harder, but it turned out to be basically impossible for me, though I struggled through a couple days before I gave up. Then I tried Foundation, which was fine for over a week before it suddenly became a mixture of slightly-difficult exercises and impossible or nearly-impossible exercises.
I am now trying Fitstar. I just did the initial fitness test this morning, so I’m not ready to pass judgement on it yet, but so far it seems like its way of handling exercise difficulty is likely to work better for me.
I have been doing Darebee too! I’m 2/3 of the way through Hero’s Journey. I’m starting at an intermediate level, but I really like the variety of activities in the mix. Next I plan to do Avatar Upgrade, because I like the story-fied progress. At some point I want to do Age of Pandora also.
Age of Pandora looks very cool, I am definitely hoping to go back to Darebee and do it at some point.
I am slacking badly on the fitness, like, didn’t go to karate at all last week, only planned on Thursday this week, and ended up pulling a school allnighter instead. I did try to get through some yoga but–holy cow, ALL of me is out of shape. And downdog really hurts my shoulders.
At least I am chasing the team around and making them do a light warmup 3x a week, and when it’s nice I walk to my car up a really steep hill at work. I need more time, because I always end up sleeping in instead of yoga-ing.
But, hey, I’m going to tai chi now, so there’s that.
I started a TinyLetter! It’s called I Made a Thing, and I’m going to be writing about, well, stuff I make. I’ve got at least five entirely different craft genres going at any given time and I’ve started painting recently, so I think I should have enough material. I sent one out last week, and I should have another one ready soon.
In entirely unrelated news, I realized today that all my comfy pants are too big. My work pants still fit, but they’re decidedly more comfy than they were before. This eating healthy thing might have something to say for itself after all.
Subscribed! Thanks for posting this, I am an official Tiny Letter addict.
Last summer I lost about 20# without even trying to or realizing that I was doing it until I was weighing myself and my luggage before heading to the airport. Farro salad for the win!!!
And awesomely, I have kept the weight off. Unfortunately I cannot afford right now to buy better fitting clothes. Belts are my friend.
GUYS not only is my co-worker friends with the incredible Alexandra Petri (latest: https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2… but he told me that she is the genius behind the Emo Kilo Ren twitter! This woman is a Great American and I am prevailing upon my colleague to make us best friends at once.
She is truly a comic genius. And you’re only one handshake away!
Ohhh that makes such perfect sense! She’s truly wonderful. Good luck on your friending attempt!
I happened to meet her first as “my partner’s friend’s girlfriend Petri who wants to shout about Hamilton and Star Wars with me” and then only later to discover she’s “brilliant published author and Internet phenom Alexandra Petri”. I am so glad about this, as I would have been too intimidated to get to know her. She is a beauty and a joy forever.
I’m reading her book right now & was startled to learn it’s pronounced pea-try. Newly converted to her awesomeness and happy for you.
She is AWESOME. Did you see her piece on this week’s Democratic debate? I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
So cool! She’s the tops.
I’m on crappy wifi but I just wanted to drop in and say for the record that I’m Hedwig, but changed my username recently to be a tiny bit less googlable.
Also, it has been A Week, amd I just dropped the quiche I bought for dinner on the train floor, but I’m going to a Toast get-together tomorrow so there is hope on the horizon.
Ugh, Toasts, I’m preparing to move soonish and have started to look on Craigslist and I hate it soooo much. Why are there so many dudes who want me to join the “intellectual discourse” that takes place in their apartment and so few women who aren’t trying to get me to pay $800/month to live in a converted closet. I haven’t even started actually emailing people yet and I’m already over it. Like I want to move, moving will be great, but the actually process is going to be such a drag and I’m having a hard time motivating myself to keep doing it. I just have to keep thinking about how much shorter my commute will be if I get an apartment where I want, but the struggle is real y’all.
Apartment hunting is the absolute worse, and I feel you on all counts. I’m probably diving into the apartment hunting world again soon (I am 100% done with my roommates, it is Time) and I dread every second of it. It’ll be worth it in the end and so satisfying when you’re settled in, though!
thank you! good luck to you too when you make the leap!
It’s been a long time. Maybe it doesn’t work this way anymore. But I was very happy after I gave up and hired a realtor to find me a rental. Gave her my specs: budget, neighborhood, must-haves. Then sat back and waited for her call. She did a great job.
i was going to say the same thing. get a realtor. i’m not sure exactly how realtors work, actually, because we didn’t pay ours — i think the landlord did? or the real estate company? genuinely no idea. but she was fantastic and she helped us find our house as well when we decided we were sick of renting 😀 😀
Unfortunately I’m really looking for roommates, because studios are crazy expensive and I need somebody to live with. If realtors set you up with other people too I would consider it!
Ugh, I prefer my shared living situations to be 100% discourse free. I just want to relax when I get home, people.
ugh, AMEN.
Roomiematch.com is good for finding roommates you’re compatible with on the main stuff if you want to take a break from Craigslist.
Toasties, I am grappling with something. As a Christian, I am supposed to do the agape thing and got chastised by a professor for not giving a rude person the benefit of the doubt this week. But I am also thinking that tending to the frailty of men and racists is not helping us be a beloved community as a church, nor is it helping them to be better Christians, but I don’t know how to negotiate this well. Any advice (other than quit church lol)?
I know this is kind of a stretch, but reading Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend) was actually kind of helpful for me in this instance? It’s mostly about healthy relationships, but they do a nice job of addressing the ways being “too nice” isn’t actually a thing that’s required of us. It’s been helpful in sorting out a lot of my own thoughts–like, being Christian but also defending my right to occupy space as a human person.
I think that it’s not responsibly caring for the spiritual health of our communities if we just let rude people be rude all the time. Everyone deserves empathy; that doesn’t mean they deserve to be indulged.
I’m a Quaker, so the way I think about this is informed by the Quaker testimonies of equality and integrity: on the one hand, there is that of God in everyone, every person has access to the Light; on the other hand, I have a responsibility to the truth. Thinking in terms of truth-telling helps me go from passive aggressive or coded responses to stating what I want to say directly, e.g. from “Well I don’t know about that” to “I don’t think that’s a helpful response” or simply “I disagree.”
But it’s hard to say more than that without going into specifics.
Enabling someone’s rude behaviour is not loving, either to those who they’re being awful to or to the rude person themself.
There are gracious ways to respond to rudeness that don’t enable it — gracious boundary setting, I guess. It seems like rude people also reconsider their ways better if you let them keep some face. I am not an expert in this by any means but Miss Manners and Quentin Crisp are classic writers on how to shoot down rudeness with grace, wit, and humor. And I am always looking for more recommendations on this, if other people have them.
Christ was pretty emphatic with rude people (moneychangers in the temple? that gloriously shady conversation with the Jewish leaders about the adulterous woman?).
It is absolutely okay to call out bad behavior for what it is, without fudging, and to sincerely pray that the person in question will repent and change their behavior. If you have a relationship with that person, maybe privately discuss your concerns with them directly in order to give them that opportunity? Sometimes we simply don’t know how awful we are until someone else shows us.
Went to my first doctor’s appt. in over two decades and it went well, but now I need to have every test under the sun and was referred to a cardiologist, which was actually a little more Adulting than I was prepared to handle. Thankfully it has been rainy out, so I’m postponing blood work until I can walk to the lab without drowning, and then I’ll start pecking away at getting things squashed and prodded. And find a job, and try to decide if I want to stay in this area beyond the end of my lease or start looking for a new community again. Glurgh. It feels like a lot.
It is a lot. You’ve worked hard for so long to get housing, work, and health care. Now comes more work, maintaining housing, work, health care. Adulting sucks. It’s an energy drain. But you can do it. And you can be proud of your accomplishments.
Thanks. Pecking away with intermittent freaking out has always served me well.
Ohhhhh sheesh. I am also procrastinating on seeing a new doctor, and have for months, which is a Bad Thing since I have a chronic illness that requires some maintenance help and testing to be sure things aren’t getting Worse/Super Serious. So stressful. SO much procrastination. I completely feel you. That said, I am so proud of you!!! You are kicking so much ass. In the midst of all the struggle and stress and adaptation you have had to deal with and do, now you’re doing this?! That is a freaking lot of Adulting and I am now embarrassed at my Adulting Fails. You make me feel like I need to be a better Adult, so, thanks.
It is a lot, which is why it feels like a lot. You can do it, though. Pecking away is a fine strategy. *hug*
No fails on you! I think having a chronic situation really brings out the impulse toward occasional truancy (and while it would be irresponsible to encourage it as I am not a doctor, I do think it can be healthy to indulge an occasional batch of the fuck-its now and then). I was planning to do blood work early next week and then schedule a mammogram, but lo and behold! Radiology called *me* this morning and I’m going in ten days. Gah. Gaaaah. But I will do it. And you will, too. We got this.
“the impulse toward occasional truancy” – this is such a great summary of one of the many wonders of chronic illness.
I suppose it is convenient that radiology saved you the trouble of calling? I mean, you answered the phone and/or called back so you get a big ol’ high five from me.
We have totally got this. I am even wearing my Adulting face and nodding seriously, so you know I’m being serious. (Okay, well, *now* I’m wearing a totally goofy face, but the point stands.)
Wearing my Adulting face while hanging from the ceiling by my claws, but it will have to do.
This was not a good week, on top of a number of bad weeks before this. My fiancee’s mom died, my grandfather is in the hospital, things at work are going badly, my psych meds have stopped working so I’m going to a psychiatrist to get them checked out and maybe get a new diagnosis.
I don’t know how to function right now… I’m constantly on the edge of tears and it’s embarrassing. I don’t have vacation time to spare or I would definitely use it right now. What do you do when the world is spinning too fast?
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now, and am sending you good wishes from the other side of the Interwebs.
I usually enjoy being around adorable animals (usually my own cat). I just feel my blood pressure immediately lowering. Adorable animal youtube videos will do in a pinch though. I have also been having a bit of a rough week on almost no sleep, and am definitely not ashamed to admit that I have lip-synced “Wait For It,” from Hamiton, in the mirror each morning before leaving for work and each evening shortly before going to bed.
Hope the world slows down a bit for you soon.
I dropped things off the to-do. This week I had a ton of school work and my dad is…in bad shape waiting for heart surgery. I tried not to cry the whole time I was at school and I blew off/called in two days of work.
I zeroed in on the one thing that distracted me (research! lots of research! making *really good* powerpoints!) and had little risk. I ate a lot of black licorice. And I tried to at least do the first 5 minutes of the yoga video where you sit there and quietly breathe. Just breathing is good.
Also, one *tiny* tweak to my meds this week has made a HUGE difference in my ability to function. Turns out I was taking just a smidge too little. I hope your adjustment is just as quick and effective.
Oh, Social, I’m sorry. Wishing you a calming cup of tea and a chance to sit down and breathe and feel (in a good way). We’ll be around all weekend if you need to talk.
Thank you lauren. Hope you’re doing ok and I saw upthread (or maybe in the link roundup) that you have the house to yourself this weekend. Enjoy yourself <3
Social, I’m sorry. My world was spinning too fast this week, just a bit. I took today off. Because I could.
I understand you can’t take a day off. But look for something else you can cancel to give yourself some time. Can you skip doing the laundry this week and just do double next week? Can you cancel some other housekeeping chore, just for this week?
Use any time you create for yourself to do something restorative. Get sunshine. Get fresh air. Take a walk. Pet a dog or a cat. Order or cook a very good-for-you meal. Call that one friend or relative who always makes you feel good.
Like Lauren said, I’ll be watching for you all weekend. Let us know how we can help. ::Toasthugs::
Crying sometimes can be very helpful. Consider having a full-on meltdown cry and let it out. Catharsis might be good.
I hide in the bathroom for long breaks if I have to be out for work or whatever. I try to remember to breathe. I make myself cups of tea and focus on the little things, and enjoy small, simple moments, and try to string enough concrete, little things together to form a safety line back to stability.
Do you have an appointment already for your psychiatrist? Do you have someone who can help make that happen if you are too out of yourself to make it work?
Thanks Miss Catherine. I am not a good crier, so it’s easier for me to feel that “crying” feeling, with chest and throat tightness than be able to let it all out. This sounds like what I need.
Oh man. I LOVE the bathroom. That’s where I currently spend a large part of my day because the anxiety of being out in the open where people can see me is just too much. In the bathroom I take selfies which helps me put myself back in my body instead of floating around feeling like a dissociated disembodied thing.
Yes, my psych session is in a few weeks. Reminding myself that it’s going to happen helps.
Ugh, that’s rough. I have no advice for you, but tons of sympathy and hug gifs if you want them.
I’m so sorry, that sounds like an awful lot of rotten things happening. Do you have something physical you like to do? Yoga practice, dance, swim, walk with music blasting? Endorphins can be helpful to settle the body part of the mind-body-soul triad.
I hope things re-centre for you soon.
Ugh, that sucks that you can’t take time off. I echo the suggestion to let yourself set some other obligations aside for now and do some self care instead. I’m a true introvert, so sitting at home and not talking to anyone is how I usually cope, but YMMV.
That sounds like a truly terrible week, I am so sorry all of these things have piled onto your life at this moment.
I am so sorry to hear about your recent loss, and about all the medication issues. That’s a lot to deal with all at once!
For what it’s worth, I think the loss of your fiancee’s mom is a very valid reason to cry, socially and otherwise. So if you do feel the need for a good cry, I think you’ve got a good excuse (not that I think you need an excuse to cry, but I thought I’d point it out in case you’re feeling any social anxiety issues).
Sometimes when I get that feeling that the world is spinning too fast, I just close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing for a while. It’s a simple form of meditation.
Getting outside can help, too, even if it’s just for a walk.
Wishing you peace and comfort.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know why life regularly throws a lot of shit at us all at once (have you heard Tig Notaro’s Live? Might be strangely comforting to know it’s not just you). Good luck getting through it all.
I AM SO EXHAUSTED.
Self care thread? How are you all doing?
I’m so exhausted too. This week has been a long and stressful one.
As for my self-care plans, I have many. This weekend I need to a) exercise and b) stop eating crap. I also want to do girly shit like shop for makeup and do face masques. I also need to actually get real sleep.
It’s just been so insane. Exhibition is finishing tomorrow which is something, and I am trying to wriggle out of a dumb and time consuming commitment. Sighs all round.
Sleep sounds so good right now! I’m planning on watching a lot of Miss Fisher (I just started it) and catching up on The People vs OJ, and hopefully writing one of my papers. Also I might be about to blow £70 on a perfume (£50 off but still…) because, screw it, I want it.
It takes very little energy to spritz on some perfume, but when I do, it’s like bang! instant little pick me up. Totally worth the splurge if you can swing it. I hope you enjoy your amazing perfume! What is it, may I ask?
Penthaligon’s Juniper Sling – it smells of gin but not in a dodgy way, and pepper, and tobacco, and it’s yum. I’m not a big perfume wearer but I’m doing okay for cash right now and I wish to smell like the 1920s so IT IS HAPPENING
That sounds utterly delicious.
update I bought it so now I am the kind of person who wears all black, smells of Prohibition and hangs out in crypts oops
Oops? More like hooray!
That sounds absofuckinglutely awesome. If I happen upon you in a crypt, I will just give you a knowing look and the barest, scantest hint of a nod possible to acknowledge that you smell fantastic.
…and I shall tap gently on the glass holding my clover club to return your salute
#lifegoals
Got in bed last night at about 8:15! It was glorious.
Divine. I’ll be amazed if I make it past 10 tonight!
Super exhausted with you. Really hoping this part-time FMLA for the rest of the semester helps. A lot.
It meeeeeee
Love to you!
I had an anxiety attack on Tuesday and I RECOGNIZED it as an anxiety attack, took my medication, and calmed down without doing anything stupid. That is…well, maybe not a first, but I don’t manage that too often.
I feel you with the exhaustion, though.
Hey, go you. That is really good. Not the anxiety attack obviously, but so well done on the recognising! Hugs
That sounds like first-rate self-care. Rock on, you.
That is some Olympic-level self care and I am proud of you. I know how hard that is to do, especially the avoidance of doing stupid things.
Yay! Awesome self-care! Sometimes I still think I’m having a heart attack and get right with God super fast.
I haven’t shoveled buckets of candy into my mouth in nearly two days! Which is pretty impressive, if you’re me. Perhpas I will keep it up all weekend!
I’ve been doing pretty well! I’ve managed to get out of the house to do things with friends every night but one this week. This is a big deal, as my unhappy brain often just wants me to curl into a glass of bourbon and watch Netflix in misery.
[I’ve also been working up the nerve to lead more in social dancing (I’m an intermediate/advanced follower but only a beginner leader), and I had my first really amazing dance where I led the whole time this Wednesday. The burst of joy from that dance has sustained me all week.]
Horribly.
Last night, though, I had entirely too much food and listened to a Chopin playlist on Spotify while I surfed Metafilter threads, and that was like the best soothing hot bath for my brain.
Yay for brain baths, boo everything else. Sending love to you
Thank you, and love back to you. We will survive!
So, as I mentioned on another post, I am not having a good week. So here’s my self care for today.
I left work early, because it’s not like I was getting much done anyway, so fuck it, and stopped by the grocery store and picked up ingredients for poutine and got an assorted six pack of craft IPAs so I’m going to eat gravy and cheese smothered fries and drink beers and play a soothing video game and I’m not going to feel guilty about it at all.
YEAH YOU! That is a good plan. Suckiness sucks, guiltiness is bull and I am cheering for you xx
Sooooooothing videooooooo gaaaaaaaaaaaames. Yes. This.
No, but this was actually what I did one day this week, and it was PERFECT. I hope it is healing for you!
Very very focused on sleep this week, and exercise. It’s been a good start, but I want so much to improve both those habits.
I started writing down the positives after both / either of those things go well, and that’s helping, though it makes me feel like a dork.
And I joined the Toasties self-care challenge on Habitica, so I get to give myself a +1 when I take care of myself. I love arbitrary rewards!
AMG! Pls to invite. I just started Habitica. I have died twice already. I’m not nailing it. But with the power of the Toast compelling me, maybe?
Look for the guild “Toastrons!” – it’s group ID:4b2b9854-6a21-445e-8e85-7636ad6f5ee4
I don’t remember for sure if you have to request to join or what. I don’t do group quests since my son stopped participating – I haven’t figured all that out – but anyone can join a challenge or a chat.
I’m Melanie Greene over there (well, and everywhere, except in like my real life since that’s my pen name) – see you around!
I have had a bad few months of probably SAD-induced melancholy/exhaustion, but the last couple of weeks have been better, due either to taking a ton of vitamin D or the springy weather here. I need a lot of sleep to function optimally though,and got about 7 hours a night this week till I could barely get out of bed yesterday. Husband and I went to bed earlier last night and I feel so much better today with 10+ hours of sleep under my belt.
I’ve found that doing a relaxing yoga routine before bed is great for deep sleep, so I’m trying to keep that up too.
I am really bad at taking breaks from schoolwork, and Mr ZNF has been really great at reminding me to do that. Also bringing me tea and snuggling me. He is the best.
Aaah vitamin D supplements have frequently come to my rescue. It’s getting springy here too, which has definitely picked me up today. Thank you for reminding me to do my yoga, hurrah to your Mister because he sounds like a dear, and hurrah to you for being with a dear! (eta – and obviously to you for being a dear too but congrats on your choice of partner)
I feel great! I just entered week 2 of being on a mood stabilizer so that might be it. Except maybe I’d also feel great if they were sugar pills. Sometimes I do just feel great. And also maybe I feel great because I’m doing something about not-feeling-great and maybe it’s the doing not the something that’s affecting my mood.
I also might be overthinking.
Whatever it is I am cheering for you. I think that’s just part of how it works – as soon as I booked a doctors appointment I picked up too. I don’t take my anxiety meds that frequently any more because I know I have them and often that’s enough…? Anyway, the best self care is responsibility, which sounds like a cliche because it is, but it’s true, so hey!
Ugh, hi, not good.
This week was beyond exhausting. I fractured a bone in my hand last Friday and spent all of my energy going to multiple doctors appointments while trying to meet dumb deadlines at work. The hand isn’t as bad as originally thought, but it’s still sore and a pain in the ass. One person shouldn’t have to see four doctors in one week.
But I’m hitting reset tonight – starting The 100 season 3, not going to my parents for the weekend as planned, meal planning for the next 3 weeks, maybe having the last of the vanilla porter in my fridge and generally getting shit done. I want to go to Ikea for things I don’t need, but that is also generally a bad idea (no money, no space, etc).
Dealing with health stuff on top of normal stuff is full of suckage. I am so sorry. Sending healing thoughts.
Hugs to you. Seconding Miss Catherine, and good on you for having the guts to do a proper reset
Hand fracture sympathy! Are you going to get to avoid surgery? When I fractured mine the only decent part of the whole terrible thing was that the urgent care place gave me my digital x-rays on a CD and my husband was able to convert them so I could email them to my family (we’re kind of weird, but the x-rays were pretty cool). Well, and I didn’t have to have surgery. The rest pretty much sucked. Sending healing thoughts your way!
Toasties, I just wanted to thank everybody for being so supportive earlier this week when I shared about my job cutting my flex time (turns out it’s due to bad behavior in another department, so SUPER glad I’m getting punished for their mistakes) and my finally deciding to look for something else. I really appreciate it – your comments made me feel supported when I needed it. Thank you!
Weird things that you found out about your exes after the fact? This week has been a strange week — I had coffee with a professor from the school that my ex attends, and she mentioned him off hand. Apparently he’s now a Men’s Rights Activist, and believes that men have it hardest in today’s society.
The breakup was particularly bad, because he broke up with me on a night when I’d called him feeling down, and he said something to the effect of “I know you’re feeling down right now, but I have to break up with you now. You’ll understand someday.” But finding this out makes me feel as though I dodged one hell of a bullet.
I just want you to know that the dub step playing on my Pandora syncs up with that gif sooooo perfectly! It’s hilarious.
Thank you for the accidental day brightening synergy.
Perfect GIF response is perfect.
I found out that my ex was gay, if that counts. It was years after we broke up and it made me feel very stupid retroactively.
Hooo boy yeah you did.
I found out a little while ago that one of my friends from college is an MRA now. He was always a little odd. I wonder if being social isolated out in Ohio pushed him over the edge.
Not an ex, but a guy I was very much infatuated with, everything was terrible and unhealthy and it only got better when he moved away. Haven’t heard from him in years and decided to google him a few weeks ago and guess what: He shares his ~thoughts~ and terrible poetry on a blog. It’s so effing pretentious. His blog is even named after a famous painting with which he apparently identifies; it depicts a lonesome, thinking man on a cliff.
Anyway, that made me realize that I got out of this friendship in time and that I really am over him.
I should have had a clue earlier, I was thinking! He insisted on showing me his terrible poetry ABOUT HIS EX. That should have been a clue. And yet I was interested enough to try to make it work. Not one of my best moments.
Same! One of his texts starts with “The day I saw HER again” and I nearly puked.
he did NOT understand why I was so uncomfortable about reading poetry that described their sex life.
Yikes!
Please tell me it wasn’t this painting.
A guy I may or may not have been infatuated with really liked that painting, and he, too, talked with me incessantly about the other woman/women he liked. I got out, too.
(Was it secretly the same guy?)
The link is just taking me back to the Cocktail Hour, but the painting I’m talking about is this one.
You’re not German, are you? Otherwise it may be the same guy! Or maybe this is just the painting for pretentious guys who are hung up on their ex(es).
Yes! It’s that one!
He’s not German, so I guess this is the painting for pretentious guys who are hung up on their exes. We’ve found a secret red flag!
I found out that my ex started sleeping with his prof while we were still living together, and then after he moved back to his hometown, and then after that she went out to visit him, and then after THAT she told him she was pregnant! But it turns out she wasn’t!
And we STILL got back together for a spell! What the!
This is a small thing, but it stuck with me for years. When I was with my ex, I also thought he was knowledgeable about feminism. He definitely didn’t strike me as someone anxious about his masculinity. When we were in the “let’s be friends” phase post break-up, I suggested that he might like “Bridesmaids” (it was out in theaters at the time). He said something along the lines of “I’d like to, but I have no one to see it with and I don’t want to be seen going to a chick flick by myself.”
I was pretty shocked to hear this and when I told him the movie basically had a five minute poop joke, he just shrugged and said, “Yeah, but it’s still a movie about chicks.”
That was a sign that either he or I had completely changed (his group of friends, both men and women, are the type to gender everything), and it killed my desire to want to be friends with him. Like, who are you?
I thought that he was knowledgeable about feminism, as well. When I was talking over this with a friend a few days ago, she mentioned that he’d actually showed hints of men’s rights activism while we were going out (comments like “I think feminism goes too far”) though not to me directly. I’m torn between wishing she’d told me earlier and realizing that even if she had, I may not have believed her.
My ex boyfriend spelled “amidst” “a mist” on his most recent facebook status.
Not quite as traumatic as an MRA but still a bullet dodged haha.
“You’ll understand someday”????????
Yes, now you understand that he’s an absurd jackass. Good heavens. Glad you got out!!
You do indeed understand now! Just not in the way he was envisioning. XD
It’s finally my turn with the library’s e-copy of the second Outlander book. I may have neglected a fair amount of work and sleep since I checked it out 23 hours ago, and also I actually took my phone (in its lifeproof case, I’m not totally irresponsible) into the shower this morning so I didn’t have to stop reading.
I have read very few books since my nearly two-year-old was born, and several of those were horrifying melodramatic balls of stupidity from book club. (I think I got kicked out of book club for threatening to punch the last book in the face. Oh well. I was tired of all those books anyway!) It sure does feel good to enjoy reading! (Also congratulations Bartender! It does get better, though somewhat slowly for some of us. Also if you are going to be using daycare, it might get real bad for a while, on account of the terrible germs all the other children are no doubt coated with, but that too will get better in time.)
OH OH OH talk to me about how daycare gets better! I mean, I’m totally happy with the daycare, but not with how my family has been sick since I swear to God the middle of January. My parents watched #1, so while I was intellectually prepared for this to happen with #2, I was not at all viscerally prepared.
I pretty much spent the first year throwing up for two days every six weeks (and I am a NEVER BARFER!!) and having terrible terrible colds in between. We missed many of the more exotic germs (so far! ha ha!) but seriously all three of us were constantly, constantly miserable. But this winter has been sooooo much better than last winter! a few minor colds, one ear infection, and one bout of terrible diarrhea for me (because apparently there is a respiratory virus that my body takes as an intestinal complaint? It’s happened several times, always when the baby has a very particular kind of cough) which I realize doesn’t sound great, but so, so much better than last year’s constant overlapping never ever ever well-ness. We tried for, oh, seven or eight months to go back and show off our baby at the NICU, but literally never were well enough to try it.
Honestly, thinking about the first year of daycare illnesses is making me wonder if I really want a second baby all that badly or not…
Toasties, I’m struggling right now. Full story in the thread.
I’ll try to make this make sense. There is a young woman in my life who is like a daughter to me – she lived with me and Mr. Widdershins when she was a teenager and college student, we’ve supported her off and on financially and emotionally over the last 7 years, I love her unconditionally and joyfully.
She is 8 months pregnant and her baby shower is approaching. But I CAN’T do baby showers. I can’t have babies, and showers and being around pregnant people and baby related stuff are my most potent triggers. I have some coping strategies that I worked out with a therapist, but the most effective is avoidance.
The last time I attended a baby shower (about 6 years ago) it triggered a depressive episode that lasted for almost a year. So every time I’ve seen her since she announced her pregnancy, it takes ALL my spoons to keep my emotions in check – I mean, obviously she didn’t get pregnant AT me, and I know it would be terribly unfair and inappropriate to dump all my emotional history about my infertility on her. And even if I were to share this part of my history with her, now is definitely not the time. She knows I can’t have biological children but I’ve never discussed my feelings about that with her.
So I’m feeling massive guilt because I feel like I should “suck it up” and celebrate for her. But at the same time I need to practice self-care and at the same time I won’t know how to explain WHY I didn’t show up for the shower because she expects me to be there. I know I’ll have to be there when the baby arrives, and I’m saving up my spoons for that, because I honestly don’t know how my emotions will swing once the little one is a reality (and my sort-of-grandchild).
I guess I’m asking for perspective and permission. Thanks for listening.
You do not need to “suck it up” to celebrate for her. There are ways you can celebrate her and be happy for her that do not involve your being miserable. And honestly, if you go to her shower under emotional stress, is it really celebrating her? It is not.
I think that if you are not ready to talk about your feelings with her right now, there are still some answers you can give her. Maybe talk to her privately in advance, explain to her that you won’t be able to come to the shower but you wish to celebrate her in other ways. If she asks why, you can say “personal reasons I don’t want to get into right now.” Or, “I’m honestly struggling with some personal feelings and I don’t feel like I would be able to celebrate you the way I want to.” Or, if you feel up to it, since she knows you can’t have biological children, “showers are actually really hard for me because of my own situation, and I want to celebrate you/your child as fully as I can, which I can’t do at a shower.” You are not obligated to provide her happiness, and you are not responsible for her happiness, no matter how close to her you are – the best thing you can do for her is celebrate her/her child/family in the way that you are most able to.
Sending you lots of good wishes, and hope that provides something helpful.
This, totally. If you want to be there in spirit, send a gift and a card along with someone who is attending.
This is good advice. I have nothing to add. I just second this advice.
Hey, first of all, your feelings are valid and you should not force yourself to go if it is going to cause you pain.
Second, I don’t know your situation exactly, but could you tell her exactly what you told us? If someone I loved like a mother said “I love you, but pregnancy and baby-culture are triggering to me, and I want to save up my emotional energy for when the baby arrives” that would be sufficient. I might ask for more details but I wouldn’t demand them, and I’d appreciate that my mother-figure was doing this so that she’d be there for me when I needed it more.
Also, not sure if this makes you feel better, but I’ve actually never been to a baby shower where the grandma-to-be attended, so if you didn’t go, nobody would think it was weird or out of place.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs. Take care of yourself.
Other people have given you really good advice. And I totally second/third/fourth it – take care of yourself, you have no obligation to do this specific thing, and you can and should love her in ways that are doable for you.
I will also say this other thing: she might be totally fine and in fact happy with having a few of your feelings shared with her, not in “now it’s your problem” way, but in a “here is a thing you didn’t know about me, that might help us know each other a bit better” way.
I think it totally depends on your relationship, but if you can have honest and caring discussions with each other, this might be a good one to have. She’s going through a big life event, but that might not mean she doesn’t want to know you and support you at the same time. (Like, right now I’m 2 weeks away from our wedding and while it’s a lot, although nothing like having a baby, I’m so happy to be able to talk to my friends about THEIR stuff, because it makes me feel like a normal human being in relationships with other people as opposed to a wedding monster who has no feelings or interests other than ones focused on myself.)
And it might help her understand why you need to have some distance sometimes during this time, as opposed to being hurt by it. And it may be part of the transition of your relationship from “somewhat-mother and child” to “somewhat mother and adult child”. Which is still one of nurturing and care, and still very parental, but is DIFFERENT. Like, now that I’m 32 and almost married, often I listen to my mom about her problems, and it feels good.
Big hugs.
Yes. I’ve never been a mother to a child, much less an adult child, so all of this is new and awkward for me.
Congrats on your upcoming wedding – I hope it’s beautiful.
My mom and I have had some great, if intense and painful, conversations now that I’m an adult and I feel like I know her so much better because of it. Being a grown up means you develop new relationships with the people in your life who used to be “the grown ups.” It’s totally normal and also pretty amazing. She may really welcome this chance to get to know you in a new way, and to support you for a change 🙂
You sound like you have a clear, reasonable perspective of your emotional wherewithal and and are preparing to devote all you can to her well-being out of love and loyalty. Baby showers are not required. You’re doing the right thing and I admire you for it. If there’s a time and place later to share, consider it. For now, don’t worry about it and don’t feel you need to do anything differently.
I mean, if someone told me what you’ve written here, I’d be like, STAY HOME, IT IS FINE. Do you have reason to expect that she might not react well? Other than that she expects you to be there?
You don’t have to go to this baby shower. You can show her that you’re happy and supportive in other ways (if you want to). Your feelings are 100% valid and important. “Sucking it up” if it’s just going to make you unable to cope is not a solution.
I agree that you can tell her what you told us, especially if you genuinely want to be helpful in the future but need help working out ways to do this that are possible for you.
If you don’t want to go into as much detail as you did in your comment, don’t. She already knows you can’t have children. People who have some awareness know that being unable to have kids can be emotionally difficult and that it can be something people don’t want to discuss in great detail.
Are you still in therapy? If not, you should go again. You’ll need lots of support in handling this situation and a space to talk about how you feel with worrying about upsetting anyone.
Thanks for the caring words. I think I’m going to go with the letter and discussion-to-be-had-at-a-later-date. I just needed a reminder that it was ok to take care of myself, which I forget almost daily because of my jerkbrain.
If you don’t want to have the talk for her sake or yours, you could call in with stomach flu on the day and send a present. This is what white lies are for.
Ah jerkbrains, they are the worst, and are nasty liars. Take care <3
This will def appeal to some Toasties!
My friend and her friend just started a podcast called “Hot Chicks with Superpowers” and you should all check it out! It’s a modern, feminist look at Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other shows starring kickass female leads with superpowers. In-depth and fun analysis aplenty. Check it out! It’s free to subscribe on iTunes.
Thank you,that sounds delightful!
So here for this! (Of course any and all Faith quotes too.)
This is right up my alley and I will DEFINITELY download it right now.
Came back to say, YES. I’m listening to it now and I love it. THANK YOU and yay to your friend!!
Bartender! It gets better! It gets so so so so so so so much better! Your body and mind will return to recognizable, livable states. Your baby will become more predictable. You will get used to the demands of the baby, and within a few weeks, you’ll be able to incorporate those demands with other aspects of your life. I promise! You’re in the worst of it right now, and you can get through this.
Also eventually you will get to hear your baby try to say things like ‘aardvark’ and it will be hilarious.
Note to self, show toddler picture of aardvark in the morning.
It doesn’t always get better. Newborns are hell but after that… Our baby happened to be very sweet-natured. We were all getting enough sleep (co-sleeping) and if he cried you could always fix it with a bottle or a walk outside in a carrier. After all the warnings I thought it would be fine. And people had warned about “terrible twos” but he was a pretty great two year old too, if overly adventurous.
Three though. Three is killing me.
Hey, Toast. I plan to go to Portugal in April. Does anyone have recommendations on where to stay in Lisbon and Porto? I’m on a budget, but I’m over Hostels, and also don’t like to socialize with people after running around all day, so couch-surfing is out of the question. I’d also like to cook or at least make a sandwich sometimes, so I need kitchen facilities.
When in Lisbon two years ago I stayed in the Air BnB, “Lisbon House 83 in Bairro Alto,” its like $55 a night and it is a private apartment. I would def reccomend! Looks like it is still listed. The owner is a woman who lives upstairs.
edit: also my trip to those cities was aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesome. You will have so much fun.
Oh, that sounds great, especially since it’s a quiet area and she clarifies that smoking is not allowed in the house. I saw a lot of AirBnBs where smoking is allowed, and there is no way I’m staying in a flat where people have been smoking. Thank you!
I can’t make specific recommendations, but I’d look at B&Bs and such on TripAdvisor. That’s how I planned my last European trip. There are a lot of good options less expensive than hotels, but you still have a room of your own that comes with a key! And I find that most B&Bs make a good effort to be accommodating and make your experience a good one, as they need those good reviews.
Hello! I was in both those cities in the last year, and I loved loved loved them! We stayed in a really great AirBnB in Lisbon, “Lisbon’s Perfect Location Studio” in Beco Castelo. We stayed in a hotel in Porto, which was fine, but didn’t have kitchen facilities. Would you consider a private room in a hostel? Some friends stayed in a really nice hostel in Porto.
If you want any restaurant recommendations or anything else, let me know! Another pal of mine is actually heading to Porto shortly, so it is forefront in my mind 🙂
Thank you! That AirBnb looks nice. Private rooms in hostels are definitely an option, but I fear that it may be too loud – but then again, not every hostel is a party headquarters.
What else do you recommend (restaurants, sights)? Oh boy, I haven’t even properly started to plan this trip but I’m already so excited! Especially since I technically speak Portuguese (but haven’t had a chance to do so in the last years) and can’t wait to brush up on my language skills.
Here is the hotel my friends stayed in in Porto http://dixosoportohostel.com/ https://www.tripadvisor.ca/ShowUserReviews-g18918…
This was our favorite restaurant of the whole trip, I think. It was really good, and a great atmosphere! I really enjoyed the maritime museum in Lisbon, as well as the modern art museum across the street.
Ah! Gallery Hostel in Porto is the nicest hostel I have ever stayed in. It’s in a renovated old mansion, so lots of architectural character. They have an art gallery, and a bar downstairs that highlights smaller local winemakers. Their staff also led us on a free architectural tour of the neighborhood, which was a great, informal way to learn about the city’s culture and history, and really just felt like hanging out with a friend.
As a bonus, there was a pack of kittens living in the garden.
I posted in link roundup, but to sum up:
My dad is a walking heart disease emergency. More surgery is coming, and with urgency. We don’t know when yet.
Teenager has counseling in 2 hours (oh crap! I have to go! I’m not done with my paper!)
Epigenetic theatrical developments : from spontaneously joining props last year, this year he’s in props, and saying things like “I don’t even sing, and I can sing better than that guy who plays the lead. And I’ve got all his lines memorized already” The extended theatrical-career family is crossing our fingers.
Girl is great. Lacrosse tonight. imposter syndrome: how to talk about it to a team of middle schoolers?
Imposter syndrome — I would basically just explain what it is? “I don’t know if you all know this, but it’s often the case that those who are the best at something, like lacrosse, often doubt themselves the most! Isn’t that weird? But it’s because you know enough to appreciate what goes into the sport, while those who don’t know much about it might just assume they’re great at it.” Or something like that.
Watch out though, because that sounds like “feeling bad about yourself means you’re good, if you’re confident it means you don’t realise that you suck”.
Name it, maybe? Tell them it’s not a disease, it’s a word for a feeling that can happen when you try new things, when you succeed at stuff or when other people think you’re good at something. It’s that feeling when you think you’re just lucky, as if you faked it somehow. Maybe you could try telling them that this feeling happens sometimes, but also that it’s not inevitable and most people don’t feel that way all the time? Maybe they could come up with ideas for what to do when your brain is lying to you, or advice for a friend going through this?
I think it’s great to talk about this, as long as they don’t get to compete about who feels the worst. It’s a trap! In toxic femininity, feeling bad about yourself = is a moral, realistic person that doesn’t think too highly of herself. (I hereby declare “toxic femininity” a word.) I have friends who thought they HAD to feel bad about themselves as teenage girls, because adults talked so much about how normal it was.
I watched them last night, and they are great. My girl who’s so anxious? She can’t catch when she’s nervous. when we warm up, they spontaneously cheer when she gets it without a problem. We just started training the goalie, and when he managed to block a few, they noticed and cheered. I REALLY like this group of kids.
I think I’m going to go with the “sometimes that voice in our head that tells us we’re not good at something is wrong. If your teammate tells you you are doing something well, believe them. We are all getting better at this together” angle.
Renters rant:
When we toured the apartment the heat run (along the baseboard) in our front room was not secured to the wall. Landlord pointed it out and assured us it would be fixed when we moved in. It wasn’t.
This morning we wake up and Toddler!Cat has pulled the entire heat run away from the wall and is trying to crawl up the hole where it is supposed to connect. She is a woman possessed and we can only assume she can smell/hear the ceiling rodents and wants to show them who’s boss. Landlord knows about the ceiling rodents and said that she’ll do something about it if “it becomes a problem.” Well we’ve reported 3 bats and a bird in the apartment, when does it become a problem?
(there’s a somewhat tangential part two I’ll stick in the comments)
So we’re not going to be renewing the lease for many obvious reasons but also because I’m job searching outside the area. My boss is aware of and encouraging the job search (no upward mobility here) and has offered to let us rent his mother’s house without a lease. Which is great, but also weird.
Ultimately I’m frustrated that we can’t afford a down payment and don’t have the geographic stability to buy a home. I know many people love renting but my experiences have been frustrating and stifling across private landlords and larger complexes. I just don’t enjoy being at the mercy of someone else’s priorities.
I would definitely recommend a lease if you go with the house, even if it’s month-to-month. It’s good to have terms clear in writing, potentially protects both parties.
Good luck in your job search and finding a place that’s good for you. Depending on where you’re living now, maybe it’s worth starting to make a plan for a down payment, even if you’re not sure you’ll stay there for a while. I bought my home cause I never wanted to move again, but I know lots of people who have bought because it was a smart financial move to own and build equity before they move again in a couple of years. Depends a lot on your local real estate situation though.
Edit: although I totally understand that saying something like “just start saving!” is easy for a stranger across the internets and usually much harder if not impossible for many people in situations where it’s just not feasible. Hope this doesn’t come off in a way that makes anything feel worse and that everything works out well!
You’ve seen bats and birds IN the apartment?! I would have called bat/bird #1 a problem. Do you think she’s just being lazy or do you think there would be actual push back to get anything fixed?
I’ve never encountered a bat in real life but I imagine something unpleasant (not becoming a vampire!) would happen if you got bit, right? Maybe use that as leverage? Unsafe conditions?
Toasts, I would appreciate words of encouragement. I am a humanities PhD with a bit of academic admin experience. My current job ends in June, and I need to find a new path, but I am really struggling to imagine A) what the realm of possible jobs are that I could plausibly be hired for other than “barista” and B) what skills I have to offer other than “good teacher”* and “good mentor” and “generally a smart person who can learn things quickly.” I’m feeling discouraged and resentful that I even need to make this career change, but I’m unwilling to adjunct forever, so here we are. And I’m also trying to do it while working full time and having a 5 month old baby who things sleeping is for suckers and chumps, so my energy levels are pretty low for ginning up my own self-confidence/fighting my jerkbrain (per this morning’s LR).
*At the college level; I don’t think I have what it takes to teach high school.
On the bright side, I just got a thank you note from a student that included the line: “I feel tremendously thankful to have had you as a woman and scholar to look up to and learn from,” so that pretty much made my week.
Are there other jobs within a university that appeal to you at all? Having an academic/PhD background is generally really appealing for hiring within the programmatic and administrative sides of a U., based on the assumption that you both get the fundamental mission and can see things through the faculty’s perspective. It could offer some stability while also facilitating adjuncting? Often the most important things when hiring for these types of jobs are the ability to learn and to communicate, and to articulate the mission.
“Generally smart person who can learn things quickly” is the Number One skill employers are looking for, so don’t despair! You are totally on the right track. You got this.
Also, I don’t know if you want suggestions of where to look, so feel free to ignore this. If you like teaching but don’t like academics, you could look into corporate training jobs, for software or other business tools or something. I don’t know firsthand, but I imagine you might be able to negotiate a family-friendly schedule, since trainings are scheduled in advance and not an “on-call’ type thing.
You have all sorts of skills. You just have to translate them from academic to corporate.
good teacher -> great communicator
PhD -> writing, research, managing a long-term project, self-motivated, etc.
I used to interview a lot of former academics, and it was shockingly common to get academic CVs. Which was a shame, because the applicant might have been great for the role, but I can’t tell that if all I’m given is a list of the courses they’ve taught. Also, I interviewed people who would say things like “well, academia didn’t work out. So now I’m here” in a glum tone. (You have to at least pretend you want the job!)
I imagine those people are out there thinking that it’s just impossible to move from academia to a corporate job. (And probably telling other people that too.) But you just have to do a tiny bit of work to explain your skills in a non-academic context.
You can do it!
Yes. If you have taught you have managed people, reviewed performance, packaged information, created project plans, and done communications and marketing of your course objectives. It is highly, highly transferable stuff. Add research and analysis to your portfolio also.
I transitioned from Victorian literature to tech writing and make pretty good $$ with decent work/life. It can be done.
I have a similar background (humanities PhD) and found a career in development writing at a university. I put together funding proposals for different departments and schools. It’s a great fit for me–I get to keep learning new things, working with interesting people doing good work, and taking all that I taught to my writing 101 class about audience and thinking it through.
Hello me! (I do not have a baby, but the rest is pretty spot on). I’m trying to figure it out too, so I don’t have much in the way of advice, but loads and loads of empathy and encouragement and a swift jab to the jerkbrain Good luck and keep us posted!
I’ll recommend looking into positions in academic labour organizations. I won’t claim that there’s a lot of work out there in the field, but in my experience academic unions and other organizing bodies are full of people with PhDs.
Good luck out there!
As bad_citizen says above, the key thing is to translate what you did as a teacher into things non-academic people understand. You will encounter folks who think that academics (especially from the humanities) just sit around and drink wine and chat about books all the time. So break down what you actually did with as many numbers and examples as you can find. I’m willing to bet (based on my experience as an ex-academic) that you:
-Met specific goals (i.e., course standards) by planning activities and lessons
-Performed well under tight deadlines and changing circumstances (because you totally had to rearrange your syllabus at least once because of a snow day, or a last minute textbook change, or whatever)
-Worked with people from diverse backgrounds
-Served on committees (or participated in faculty meetings) that accomplished _____ (fill in, obviously)
-Wrote documentation (syllabus = documentation)
-Coached people (students aren’t subordinates, but coaching and development is transferable skill)
-Learned and used assorted data systems (enrollment, grades, any online course ware your academic system used)
Have you read this book? It was really helpful for me as I started to consider alt-ac, especially the chapters about translating your academic skills into business-speak. PhDs in the humanities indicate a lot of skills: You are a strong writer! You can digest a lot of information! You’re able to commit to a long-term project and follow through with it!
I wish that someone had said the words “content marketing” or “copywriting” to me when I graduated college because it took me about four years to realize there could be careers in writing. Humanities degree tends to = good at the shit that’s valued in marketing (creativity, adaptability, good at research), so keep that in mind if it sounds interesting to you at all.
Thank you all SO much. I am late returning, but I read all your comments and they are so practical and helpful. I am working on practicing the translation of academic-speak into business or admin-speak, and it does not come naturally AT ALL but I am getting better.
Anyone else watching The People v. OJ? I’m through the latest (ep 6, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia”). More in the reply.
So I am really loving this (kind of to my surprise?). I was 12 the year of the trial so I remember names and certain things, but it’s interesting how much I didn’t realize at the time (but I wasn’t like watching it, either).
I just want to worship at the feet of Courtney B. Vance as Johnnie Cochran, Sarah Paulson as Marcia Clark, and Sterling Brown as Chris Darden. They are so amazing and I would give them all the awards if I could.
Sarah Paulson broke my heart in the last episode and it was so well done. Things I wondered if they could have possibly all happened IRL? They did…
The less said about Travolta the better, and David Schwimmer is absolutely “Ross Kardashian” as someone coined (can’t remember who), though in fairness to him it’s mostly just the voice.
It’s been so fascinating to relive something I actually remember, but 20 years later, and as an adult, and just be completely absorbed in it all the same. Can’t wait for the last 4 eps.
Yes! I am shocked how much I am enjoying it. I was a relatively young kid when it all happened, so a lot of the specifics are new to me. I never had much of an opinion of Sarah Paulson before, but I love her now.
I binged all the ep. out in one night a few days ago, instantly hooked. However, as the show progresses, I’ve getting more and more frustrated/sad with Marcia’s treatment. When Judge Ito made that comment about her hair IN THE COURTROOM, I almost threw my laptop across the room.
Disappointed we won’t be seeing anymore of the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, Connie Britton was pure magic (as usual).
I was in elementary school (in LA) when the verdict was announced so I remember being aware of the trial but obviously not understanding any part of it. The show is such a fascinating time capsule of the time.
May I request some optimistic/luck/good thought internet rays? I’ve a few job applications out (including one application at what would be my absolute dream place) and I should start hearing back soonish. I’m terrified and trying not to be hopeful in self-defense.
Also: who else is playing Stardew Valley almost obsessively to escape from the sad reality that they don’t live in a charming small town where everyone is bisexual while running a delightful farm near the mountains, the ocean, and a forest? (Who are we marrying, people? I’m torn between Sebastian, Penny, or Maru.)
*good thoughts beam* it’s okay to be a little hopeful, to sustain you!
I hear you on Stardew Valley! It’s all I do after work these days. I have one lady farmer who has won Sebastian’s emo heart, and one lumberjack-looking farmer flirting with Harvey. How far have you gotten in the mine? It’s so hard until you get a better sword.
I just don’t want to be crushed! But I made it to the edit test part so that is enough of a victory for me, no matter what happens.
There’s just something about Sebastian, isn’t there? I think most of my friends are going for him. (He had me at “let’s play board games together,” just like Abigail shot up in my esteem when her first heart event was playing a video game. I have my weaknesses.) And I’m somewhere around level 85? (I died like a fool and lost 8 floors of progress but since I shockingly didn’t lose any items I just accepted my death. Thanks for being a friend, Linus!) I have what’s pretty much a super-charged lead pipe I’m using right now, but I need to break down and get something better now that I’m in lava land.
Pants pants pants pants pants. Wanna talk about pants we wear to work?
I wear jeans like erry day to work, but I would like to have ONE beautiful pair of pants that make me feel confident and grownup. I have loooong long legs (thanks mom), definitely have a butt (THANKS MOM), and pants often fit me a little too tight in the calves. For reference, the jcrew minnie pants are awkwardly short on me and make me feel like my ass is too much on display. Anyone have a trusted brand or style or shape of work pants that they’d recommend? I’m willing to spend quite a bit if I find something truly wonderful, but would also be super stoked if I ended up with a surprise cheapo pair that works.
yes please, I’m here for the pants info – I’ve been wearing dresses for all my non-jeans situations, and I’d very much like to have pants which don’t look like funeral pyjamas…
I signed up for Stitch Fix and put in my notes that I really struggle with finding work pants that fit me and aren’t uncomfortable, and described my lower half in probably excruciating detail. Last month, my stylist sent me a pair and they fit all of my criteria! They don’t ride up into my nethers when I sit, they fit my thighs AND my waist, and they are actually ankle length on me like they are supposed to be, not “ankle length” which on me usually means they are too long.
Huh, I forgot about those subscription box service things! I might look at stitch fix and make my problem someone else’s problem. Cheers to you and your perfect sounding pants!
Here for recommendations of work pants that are not ankle-length. WHEN will that trend go away?
Actually, so as to also maybe be helpful – I have recently fallen in love with the Pilcro Hyphen line of pants at Anthropologie. I have them in 3 colors and they are the BEST. Not quite fancy work pants, but definitely business casual, a la khakis/corduroys.
So I have 2/3 of your leg attributes (big butt and calves, but my legs are short), so this might not be the most helpful, but hand to God the best fitting pair of pants I own are a pair of Jessica Simpson brand corduroys I got on clearance at Macy’s. They’re slim fitting without being too tight anywhere and have a great amount of stretch. They may wind up too short in the leg for you, though.
lol jessica simpson! aaaahh sometimes salvation comes from the most unexpected places.
I am wearing them right now. They are seriously so comfortable. Thank you, Jessica Simpson.
My sister who is tall and hourglass-shaped also swears by her Jessica Simpson jeans. So they might work for tall folks too!
Not super-tall folks, they’re too short for me (and my 36″ inseam). It’s a damn shame, too, because they fit absolutely everywhere else.
hmm, they might be too short for me but i am very intrigued now! i’ll keep my eye out for em.
I have like, two pairs of chinos from jcrew that they don’t make any more, than I just alternate back and forth from because I cannot find annnnnny other work pants that fit. So I can’t help, but I can commiserate.
I like Nordstrom’s Classiques Entier line, but I only buy at the Rack because it is pricey. Gorgeous stuff though, very good quality, butt friendly.
i don’t necessarily have your body type, but i think the Banana Republic boot cut jeans are worth trying. they come in a dark wash which is nice for work, and once you get a butt-fit you like, the leg is straight enough that it should clear your calf. plus, they do the short / regular / long thing, so you can probably get long right off the rack.
i got mine at their outlet store, i’m not sure if they are a regular store thing.
What about some wide-legged trousers? With a good blouse they look pretty boss, and can accommodate butts and calves with ease. Added bonus: super comfortable.
I love these for more casual work wear, and I’ve seen some gorgeous wool versions for being more tailored: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/cloth…
Seconded. I love ridiculously flared culottes and if the material is fancy, they look super sophisticated paired with the right top.
I have a pair of Freeman T Porter “Scenic” model culottes, like the ones on sale here, but in black: http://www.ebay.de/itm/FREEMAN-T-PORTER-Model-SCE…
My enthusiasm may or may not be related to the fact that I grew up on Criminal Damage skate flare jeans…
I don’t have a specific brand suggestion, but don’t rule out the men’s department! I got some reject gift pants from a male friend and have been loving the fit– the waist is a little higher, giving better butt coverage, and the thighs are roomy without being baggy– and they have functional pockets. Plus men’s sizing has waist and rise separate, so you might have better configurability than women’s.
yeah, i have been thinking about that! i do like wearing men’s sweaters, tee shirts and jackets, so maybe i’ll give pants a go too. worth a shot.
I’m tall and curvy. I found that Elie Tahari had the best work pants for me. They are expensive, so I tried to get them on sale or use them as a reward for some big achievement.
Loft’s pants tend to work really well for me, in the Marisa fit. I am not sure how they might work for the long-legged ladies but they are pretty friendly to my legs, which have definite thighs and calves. Almost all my pants at present are Loft.
The Marisa fit applies to jeans, cords, and nice work trousers, so once you know your fit you’re golden. (They have two other fits–Julie and Zoe, I think? also some curvy fits for Marisa and Julie.)
I’m a fan of NY & Company’s 7th Avenue Bootcut Tall pants–I’m 5’8 and short-waisted, so I’m pretty much all legs, and I have a butt for sure. They come in a variety of colors but if you’re ordering online I’d stick to black–sometimes the patterned ones are made of a weird blend of stiff cotton and look odd, so it’s better to check them out in-store.
I have one pair of Express’s Editor pants, the barely boot version and they fit my butt and calves well (both are tricky to fit and so are my quads.. cycling!). I’m going to wear these pants into the ground.. until they are absolutely threadbare they are my favorite.
In the way that bad shit always happens just as you’re about to go out and do something fun, I had to cancel plans to go out with New friends tonight in favour of treating my first allergic reaction for 17 years :'( Any toasties got recommendations for how to enjoy an evening home alone when your eyes are swollen half shut?
PODCASTS! 😀
PODCASTS.
Listening to Hamilton? (I’ve actually never even listened to it myself [oh god please don’t revoke my Toast card, I swear I’ll get to it soon] but it seems like the sort of thing people enjoy that doesn’t require sight.)
You know I’ve never actually listened to anything from Hamilton but maybe I should change that today!
Nooooo ugh nooooo. That happened to me over Christmas and the fella read a Dorothy Sayers novel to me until I fell asleep from the ol’ benadryl/hot toddy combo. Would recommend. The audiobook of Whose Body? is on YouTube!
I’ll check it out, thank you!
music! Schubert especially! It is so great to have a kick-in-the-butt reason to sit down and listen to a full piece of music all the way through with your eyes shut. I never do it unless it’s live, but it can be great at home with a CD. And classical is often better for listening to than rock etc. if you are not feeling well or energetic. Classical or some old jazz/blues.
Hello, Toastfriends! I recently swapped from beer to cider and switched bread in sandwiches out for veggie wrap things instead and through NO OTHER EFFORT on my part I am now losing weight. So that’s pleasant, especially since I have been failing real hard to get back into anything resembling a self-care routine. Hooray for lack of motivation?
I’m seeing Whiskey Tango Foxtrot tomorrow with my mom, sister, and SIL. Movie was not my choice — I’m kind of on the fence about Tina Fey things, for a lot of the reasons discussed about her in one of the link roundups this week. But then we’re getting fancy dinner and that’s really what I’m looking forward to, more than the movie. Fancy food is great.
Also, I’ve been watching Vikings after years of people telling me I should, and yesterday I got to episode 3×06, and I am SO SAD/ANGRY RIGHT NOW. So I think I’ll be taking a Vikings break.
Yeah, I stopped eating dairy (mostly) for a while and I lost weight with no effort at all too! Now I’m pre-menstrual so eating whatever I can get my hands on.
Yeah, it’s incredible what just figuring out that your body doesn’t like something and removing it or lessening its impact in your diet can do. I’m not about to say I’m gonna give up carbs forever, I love mac and cheese too much to even consider such a thing. But avoiding it as a daily staple seems to be working out for me.
3×06 was a rough one. If it’s any consolation, the rest of the season is totally different in tone, and might restore your good opinion.
Yeah, I have a good few friends who are telling me to just nurse my wounds for a bit but then come back, because the rest of the season is good and the show overall is worth sticking with. So at least I have that knowledge in my back pocket, because my first instinct was “fuck this, I’m out.”
What do you mean by veggie wrap things? All I can think of are those tortillas that are colored with spinach, and do they not count as bread? (I am also trying to cut down on carbs without actually sacrificing food I like to eat.)
I buy the Toufayan tortilla-things (not the gluten-free ones, just the regular ones). They’re still carby, but by about half of the bread you’d need to make a sandwich (one of them is roughly equal to one slice of the bread I was using in my sandwiches). So essentially by swapping to them I cut the carbs in my lunch in half. It’s a smallish change, but impactful in my own diet at least.
Attn: The Bartender
For me early motherhood was baffling, exhasuting, beautiful, and terrifying and the order of those feelings shifted constantly. You and your body just went through an intense process, and all of the bits and pieces eventually fall into a new order. It isn’t the same as it was, it never can be, but it gets infinitely better. They get bigger, you get wiser and everything feels sturdier. I promise you! Love to you.
A friend and I were talking about when we began wearing and wanting to wear boys’ and neutral clothing in puberty time. I remembered that a drama teacher made me wear a poodle skirt in a performance when I was in 4th grade and horrifyingly that I dropped out of choir and gave up on singing (I’m a lifelong musician) in 5th bc girls had to wear skirts or dresses in the concert, no exceptions.
I’m reaching the end of konmari tidying and have been looking with deep, real tenderness at photos of me from that time. There was so much suffering around non-conforming holy cow! I’m feeling really proud of kid me who bravely ventured into the world in a big blue shirt, long jean shorts, and soccer shoes.
I have such similar feelings about old photos! Just overwhelming fondness for this short-haired, dirt-smudged kid in a Star Wars t-shirt and boys’ jeans.
My sister chose to play the cello instead of the viola or bass almost entirely because cellists were the only girls who didn’t have to wear dresses for orchestra concerts.
Is anyone else in that pre-TTC place? My husband and I are moving swiftly into “actively trying” territory and I’m tracking my cycles, but I’m feeling a little flounder-y when it comes to finding a community that’s in the same phase so I can get advice and feedback. I use the Glow app but the community is pretty…intense. I know there was a Google group (Toast on Eggs?) created awhile back, but is that still a thing?
If no one else is, I’m still in that group! I’m in that place too with our own set of issues, so I’m happy to chat at any time.
I can’t find it by searching- is it called Toast on Eggs?
Thanks! Do you know how to find it or get added to the group, by chance?
Still there!
How would one go about getting added? I can’t seem to find it in GG.
I don’t know if this works or if the admin has to add you, but try this:
https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/toastoneg…
Just sent a request to be added, thanks! I’m not sure if the admin has changed hands, but I saw a comment (while searching for the group’s name in old posts) that she didn’t think she’d be actively involved once setting it up, so here’s hoping!
Oh, I am almost there with you! We just made the decision that we’re going to go for it, and I’m having one last week of sushi and wine and coffee and breathing before making an appointment to get my IUD out.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE COFFEE. Good grief the myth that caffeine is terrible in pregnancy is persistent.
If you are a yarn crafter at all, the TTC group(s) on Ravelry are usually pretty great. (And even if you’re not, no one is going to check you at the door for knitting needles!)
I just submitted a join request, so there will at least one other person in there!
Bartender, what is that spread you are eating!?
The USWNT hosted a tournament this month. For winning, they awarded themselves a shiny metal uterus: http://www.ussoccer.com/stories/2016/03/09/23/29/…
That is fantastic. It was such a good tournament too!
I know right! And even though it would be cool to see them on real tv I actually liked the streaming app they used (but I wanted Foudy for both streamed games, dammit).
What was the streaming app? I just watched on my computer using my parents’ cable password for ESPN and FOXSports.
US-France and US-Germany were streamed live on ESPN3 and without needing an account/password. And they’re still up on replay 🙂
edit: I’m seeing people online saying you have to use a laptop/desktop to access it? I used a laptop FWIW.
Does anybody want to recommend any iOS games to me? I’m doing a lot of traveling soon and I’d like to have some new games to distract myself with. I tend to like puzzle games (sudoku, crosswords, nonograms) and sim games (my favorite games ever are the Sims, Zoo Tycoon, and Rollercoaster Tycoon), though I’ve never gotten into sim games on my phone because everything I find is an annoying freemium type game. I have both an iphone and an ipad, if that matters.
Monument Valley is pretty great!
I actually have Monument Valley! It IS pretty great!
I got Monument Valley this weekend because of this thread! I have been loving it!
Monument Valley! It’s a puzzle game, and one of the most beautiful games I’ve seen on mobile platforms. It’s very soothing, too – I don’t find the puzzles difficult enough to frustrate me, but they are still challenging.
Oh, also, You Must Build a Boat. It is a match-3 game with a roleplaying element. You can probably get through it in less than 10 hours, if not fewer, but it is definitely a good time-waster.
I love Flow (spatial reasoning puzzle game) and Blendoku (color–blending-based puzzle game)
I admit half my pleasure in any game is the design/aesthetic but I really liked Lume and just bought Lumino city, which are narrative puzzlers, and I got enormous delight from Prune, a zen bonsai puzzler.
Doodle Jump is my favourite.
I play this game called “Plague” and you have to evolve a virus to wipe out humanity. It’s really fun. I name my virus “Trump”.
The Room (and its sequels)! Puzzle/room escape games with a slightly spooky sff frame. Beautiful graphics, easy intuitive interface, and some tricky puzzles (but hints are built-in ).
I have recently loved Path to Luma. It’s a really pretty puzzle game about saving planets from pollution. There are only 23 levels right now, but they are adding more periodically (and level 23 is so dang hard I haven’t beaten it yet anyway).
This is not a puzzle game, but I also love Give It Up. You have to tap the screen to bounce a little blob over obstacles, and you need to play with sound or headphones on because half the genius is the soundtrack. There’s also a sequel but I haven’t played it yet.
Honestly playing Boggle on a phone is really fun and easy. I like the app a lot. I was into Alpha Bear for a long time, until I was stuck at chapter 9 (next to last) for nearly 6 weeks and finally had to say, “fuck it.” It was great until that point though.
I need to get some new games myself…
Chapter 9 is So. Hard. I’ve been stuck there for weeks as well. I’m consoling myself by playing random challenges, but it’s not quite the same.
A random list of phone puzzle games I’ve enjoyed lately: World of Goo. Limbo. The Silent Age. The Room (no connection to the movie, fortunately!)
Alto’s Adventure is a beautiful snowboard game with enough challenges to keep you busy for a while. Two Dots is my favorite straight puzzle game.
They cost….kind of a lot, but I’m a big fan of the Kairosoft sim games, of which there’s one to suit just about anybody, I think. Most of their titles also have a free version where you can play for a certain length of in-game time (6 months or a year, I think?), if you want to try them out before paying for the full version.
My faves: Dungeon Village (go on quests! build a fantasy/medieval town! fight a dragon!), Pocket Academy (run your own school!), Dream House Days (run your own apartment building!), and Bonbon Cakery (run a bakery!).
Hello Toasties!
For a long time now we have been saying ‘Our daughter is awfully anxious’ but it took a particularly bad week of school last week + some very gentle-yet-insistent nudging by our LDSO to get us to go look at a page on childhood anxiety disorders, and it seems perhaps 95% likely that she would qualify as having Separation Anxiety Disorder.
This is a HUGE relief because our daughter’s misery when not with her parents and the way she finds it so challenging to do anything without us no matter how much she loves it? These are Addressable Things! And while she is still little, she is not too little to begin putting some strategies into place and ever since we started working with her on them things have been improving. Also, her school? It is awesome; we talked to the principal and it turns out they have some other kids with anxiety issues, so they are doing an observation/evaluation to see if there are any classroom triggers for her etc and if so we all meet and talk about it together. Meanwhile, we are looking at finding someone she can work with on this.
Any stories of Toasties who have been dealing with anxiety issues & what strategies you use, especially if anyone out there has been dealing with it from a really young age, would be most welcome! Also Toast hugs, because while it is a relief, we are all still very sad that she is having to go through this.
Yes, it’s sad your child has these anxieties. But she has the very best parents. You are all doing a fantastic job.
As a parent trying to help their child (rather than someone trying to help themselves) you could try creating situations for her to test her boundaries and grow her confidence by ‘winning’. In age appropriate and safe ways, so it might be supporting her to ask a question in class or spend an hour at a friend’s house without you or whatever, just start small (going into another room with friends parents instead of leaving completely) and work up, and always come back when you say you’ll come back.
I don’t know if I would call what I had as a kid separation anxiety, but I would often become really distressed of I was somewhere strange overnight with out my mum, especially if I didn’t feel like there was someone there supporting me who I could trust. But I was also often sent to my dad’s, or mothers friends houses, to stay with no idea when my mum was coming back, or she’d say I was only staying one night, but then she wouldn’t come back for 3 days or something. Uncertainty isn’t good for kids!
I absolutely had Separation Anxiety when I was a child, and I think there are still many vestiges of it that I am trying to overcome. Even at as old as 10, I would break down into sobs if my mother was late coming home or to pick me up, because I was convinced something horrible had happened to her. Now, it manifests itself as terror if I can’t reach my SO for a few hours– I am totally convinced something awful happened.
This is all to say, I’m really glad your kid is getting some help now and will grow up with coping strategies. I wish someone had done that for me then!
Wow, and again we have something really in common. I hadn’t even thought about this as A Thing, just chalked it up to the weirdness of being me, but I did the same thing. My father traveled a lot when I was very small, and I would routinely have hysterics, certain he would die while away. I used to have breakdowns on my way home from work sitting in traffic, certain that each moment it took me to get home was the last moment I would have had to ever see my partner again because of Impending Tragedy. It never occurred to me that this was not just me being melodramatic and emotional.
Oh my gosh, yes. That’s 100% how it felt. I couldn’t fall asleep until I heard the garage door open, which meant my dad was home. Even now, whenever I hear the sound of a garage door open, I feel like, a Pavlovian relief. I started googling Adult Separation Anxiety a few years ago, and was like, oh wow, that’s the thing that I have.
I think it has gotten a tons better in the last year though, after working on it intensively in therapy with CBT and meditation and other stuff. But still probably a ways to go.
Okay, y’all have just taught me A Thing about myself that I had no clue about during my 46 years on this earth. I’m feeling a little shaken apart just now, realizing. Damn. Thanks.
Yes, all of this. We would also have hysterics apart from our mom (our parents divorced when we were… around my daughter’s age (she’s almost 6 1/2) come to think of it) and were convinced something awful would happen to her and generally Could Not Cope, but the vast majority of our life before age 12 was such a sh*tstorm that as adults we always assumed that our childhood issues with high levels of anxiety/dread and inability to regulate our emotions were due to all the external awfulness.
A few weeks ago one of the girls in our daughter’s Girl Scout troop asked me (really nicely, she’s a sweet kid) “Why does [your daughter] cry so much every time you leave?” and I said, “Oh, I think she misses me a lot,” and the girl looked surprised and said “I don’t miss MY mom!” At the time we thought nothing of it, but upon lots of reflection we realised that we had just been assuming that ALL kids miss their parents horrifically when apart, it’s just that the vast majority of them are able to control it/deal with it better than our daughter. This has informed our parenting in ways which have definitely not been helping her, so I am really glad we figured it out! But it has been a HUGE thing realising not just that our daughter’s anxiety is unusual, but that we probably had the same issue, and that, like avocadoavocat said above, we used to transfer it to our SOs.
tl;dr Things are also being learned here, similar levels of shakenness have been occuring. Chocolate for all! (All who like chocolate, at any rate.)
It’s really elucidating to hear of others who have experienced this. It’s eye-opening and while scary, makes me feel a little more prepared to cope with the challenges of parenting well as my tiny one grows up.
Best of luck with your tiny one! How old are they? It is possible they will miss the genetic predisposition or whatever — our son is 100% easygoing and has zoomed through all the anxiety stages so far (he’s 3) and out the other side again; he now waves a cheerful goodbye at preschool and runs off to his friends, and at bedtime sends us off with ‘Bye-bye! Goodnight! Love you!’ — and if we don’t get out of his room quickly enough, ‘BYE BYE MOMMY’. Whereas our daughter still clings to us and sometimes cries when we put her to bed. Although less!
She is two and some change. And not so tiny, I suppose. I just found a very old video of her and was gobsmacked at how much like a real little person she is now from when she was a weensy human larvae. She is so far very independent and very strong-minded, but very emotional, so we just try very hard to be respectful of what she can express and help her help us understand what she can’t.
It’s always enlightening to hear about events and idiosyncrasies other parents encounter. I find it encouraging. I unconsciously blame myself-as-a-child for things I had no control over in childhood, so I am working hard at being as kind and clear-eyed as possible as a parent. Hearing from parents like you is so enriching.
Yes lots of kids deal with separation better. Some kids, unfortunately, are relieved to get away from parents for a time. Not everyone gets a happy childhood. I hope the sweet Girl Scout is OK.
*hug*
*many hugs to you*
The garage door thing!?!?! Yes. Wow.
I am glad you are finding relief. I’d be interested in hearing about your meditation practices, if those are not too personal to share. Now, or when you feel like it. No pressure.
One of the really powerful experiences for me in therapy with my wonderful therapist was learning how to “soothe the little girl inside” of me. She would ask me to recount an experience I had as a child — something like my mom being late to pick me up, which would send me into hysterics — and then would “invite little avo” to join us. And in that room, we would comfort my little girl self, and she would say things like “When you were a little girl, it was truly scary to think about losing your parents, because they were the ones who took care of you. But now, little girl avo has you: adult avocat, and *you* can take care of her when she is so scared because [partner] hasn’t called.”
That re-casting of what was happening — me regressing to my little girl self in anxious situations, but my adult self being able to speak to the little girl and reassure her — was really powerful. So when I would have these episodes, I could say to myself “You must be so scared because [xyz]– but it’s okay, we’re going to be okay, because I’m here for you. I’ll take care of you.” I think just that shift began the healing process for me.
Other things that helped a lot – this is CBT module on dealing with panic: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Panic-01_Ove…. One strategy that helped me a lot was setting aside time every day “to panic.” So if I was overwhelmed with anxiety about something awful happening, I would tell myself “okay, I’m going to schedule panic about this thing for 7pm today. If I haven’t heard from [whoever] by 7pm, than I can use that time to panic, and also come up with an action plan about what I need to do next.”
Again, it’s a process that I don’t think I’ve completed yet, but I do think I’m further ahead than I was a year ago. *many hugs to you*
Oops, just realized I forgot to talk about meditating — probably because I’ve been really crappy about it for the last few months. But when I was doing it regularly, I would sit for 15-20 minutes a day, and engage in mindfulness. This little book by Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty, was really helpful: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BBXJH68/ref=d…
One of the things that has been surprisingly effective for me throughout my life, and might appeal to a kiddo: building up a mental “safe place”. It can be somewhere in the real world or something totally pretend, it just has to be the a place that is calm and beautiful and where absolutely nothing can hurt you. Anything and anybody that makes you feel safe and good gets to go in there!
When you are having a hard time, imagining yourself in that place and going over all the things that exist there, or thinking about what you can add onto it, is simultaneously diverting and soothing. As a parent you can have conversations with your kiddo about that place, ask questions about it and build it up together, and that way she always has access to a little bit of security and parental presence.
I will keep this in mind, thanks!
Bless her sweet little heart. I am really glad you are getting some back-up and putting a plan into place. I can imagine having the same situation with my small one and it is heart-wrenching. Good for you, for being such a pro-active, smart, involved parent. I hope I can do such a good job as my wee one gets older.
Thank you so much, this is really good to hear.
One of the meditation apps I use, Guided Mind, has meditations specifically for kids, some of which are guided meditations to like, playgrounds and stuff. Could be worth checking out? You have to pay for some of them but they aren’t pricey 🙂
Every kid is different, of course, but when Kid2 was going though the worst of this for him, it helped him a ton to have routines and to understand expectations. (His pre-K teacher, on the other hand, thought he should suck it up and do what she said and stop being a bother, which was the first of many unsuccessful attempts to get him switched to the other pre-K teacher, the one his brother had who came to me and said “Kid1 is a perfectionist and can’t handle not knowing everything perfectly from the minute I mention it. Sign him up for baseball or something he’ll be no good at so he can learn to accept failure and learning curves.”) (It only kinda worked because Kid1 is good at everything he touches, but maybe by the time he gets to grad school he’ll find something he can’t handle in life?)
Sorry – tangents. Anyway, it helped Kid2 when we could break things down into smaller parts he understood and could tick off as the day went by. Not “see you at 3 when school’s over” but “Today you have music after circle time. After music is lunch. After lunch is recess. After recess is science.” etc until he could process the time apart in units.
We also did some work with him & a therapist about acknowledging negative feelings, and tackling his anxieties about not being as in control of his world as he’d like. He was the youngest in the house, and felt outmatched, and we all worked to understand where his level was so he could progress through his mental/emotional growth without feeling like we were expecting him to catch up to his 4+ years older brother & his parents.
Good luck with your daughter. I’m so glad you have a supportive school willing to pay attention – that’s essential! You’re great parents.
Many toast hugs. I have no advice to addd but your suggestion last week to deal with nightmares by immediately distracting and soothing has been working SO well for me! Thanks, and I hope it works for your daughter as well.
Thank you so much. I’m really glad that the suggestion is working for you! Our daughter had a nightmare mid-week and we tried it and it went well — and that was from the same website I mentioned above. 🙂
I’m so glad your daughter is getting the help she needs! I was always anxious, but I developed very bad clinical-level Anxiety when I lost my job in 2008 and had a series of bad-to-bullying job situations. I waited wayyyyyy too long to get help, but I’m so glad I did. I used a combination of CBT, medication, and meditation to get my brain weasels under control, along with being honest with my friends about what I was going through and what I needed. I’m sending your family so many warm thoughts!
i’ve found my anxiety to subside significantly with CBT– it also definitely helps me to feel in control and for problems to feel smaller than they do when i am left to my own devices. might take some getting used to, but hopefully you could find someone who specializes in CBT for children!
i’ve definitely had anxiety since i was small, but it wasn’t named as such until i was in late college.
My mother is coming to visit today. It’s the first visit since we moved. When she found out we were moving, she was furious and refused to talk to us for a week.
She’s tactless and over-critical, so I’m sure I’m going to have to hear all the shortcomings of the house.
And she’s already been asking annoying questions about what there is to *do* here (and nothing I say is satisfactory).
It’s going to be a long weekend.
So, now I’m torn between trying to clean the place up a bit better, or just giving up and putting in no extra effort, because what’s the point?
If you do decide to clean, do it for yourself, not your mother. Maybe that’s because cleaning gives you a feeling of control over your environment, maybe it’s because you just want the place to be clean. It sounds like this is going to be a rough visit. Sending you lots of internet hugs in advance.
Thanks. That’s good advice. I’m going to go find something to clean that she’ll never notice.
Don’t knock yourself out. Why bother?
My experience with overly critical people is that they’re going to find something to be mean about, so I prefer to let them monopolize their complain time with things that wouldn’t bother me if they don’t approve. I don’t particularly care if my apartment is a mess and it gives them less time to insult the things I actually care about, so it minimizes how upset I get. It all depends on which things are important to you though.
Well, she’s already upset that my house has two staircases. It’s been keeping her up at night, apparently. (I have no idea why she’s so worked up about it. It makes no sense.) So I probably can’t get the place messy enough to distract her from that.
Maybe I’ll just claim to love everything she criticizes, no matter what. Leaky roof? What, no, I like it that way! It makes rainstorms so much more fun!!
I like your strategy. Also consider it’s opposite. Would it be fun to agree with her every complaint?
“Yes, Mom, you’re right. That’s a terrible ___.”
“Yes, Mom, you’re right. There is nothing to do here.”
“Yes, Mom, you’re right. We made a poor choice.”
“Yes, Mom, you’re right. You would have made a much better decision than we did.”
Repeat the first four words verbatim every time. Keep count. Make a bet with your housemate/spouse about how many repetitions it will take before Mom catches on. You’ll be laughing at her internally. Signal each other behind her back about the current count. Have fun with this.
I know this is hard on you. I’m sorry your parent is so critical. She’s miserable. It’s not about you.
She is endlessly negative, so it is sometimes fun to agree and see how bad it gets without any opposition. Maybe it’s so hopeless we should just burn the place down and start over.
On the other hand, she’d probably take agreement as an invitation to “help” with the fixes. Which we definitely don’t want. So I’ll probably just keep the “agree with everything” option for her non-house related complaints.
Probably not worth the extra effort, but you could present her with a tally at some point.
“Mom, that’s the 25th negative comment you’ve made. Now tell me something good.”
RoseCamelia is on to something here, though. Really. When dealing with a lot of personality disorders, clinical staff is trained to cope by techniques that acknowledge without engaging, and then practicing two or three simple, teflon phrases in the mirror over and over so that they are ready at a moment’s notice, no matter how aggressively or unpleasantly you are confronted. What those phrases are have to feel organic to you and something you can use comfortably, but you might consider something like, “Thanks for sharing your thoughts,” or redirect, “Mom, tell us about your ___ (job, pet, hobby, favorite show)”.
I also like to envision myself in a protective gold bubble that unpleasant people’s personal gunk can’t get through. It sounds silly, but it really helps.
That probably is the sensible course of action. She does say “Nobody ever listens to me” a lot, so maybe acknowledging her comments without argument would let her calm down a little?
I have found the complete non sequitur to be occasionally useful.
For example:
Negative Nancy says”How can you not dust your ceiling fan blades every 2 days?”
Me “I heard Trump said he has a small peen at the last debate.”
It helps if your tolerance for the absurd is pretty high. I haven’t had anyone get past 5 true non sequitur. Though I was asked if I had taken my meds.
This is my favorite strategy, but I have a tendency to get carried off on a wave of whimsy so I try to keep it toned down.
I love this technique. Teach me your ways!
That is hilarious. I would do that just to be spiteful. I *might* be a horrible person.
You are not a horrible person. I am, though. Come sit by me. I like you. You are an intelligent, witty, interesting person.
What a fantastically lovely thing to say. It is an entirely mutual feeling. I’m in.
Repeat the first four words verbatim every time. Keep count. Make a bet with your housemate/spouse about how many repetitions it will take before Mom catches on.
I love this and would 100% do this. Even if it blew up in my face and ended in a screaming fit, it would be so worth it.
Two staircases sounds awesome! So many places to hang art!
If you’re a Gilmore Girls fan, perhaps watch the “That’ll Do, Pig” episode, and adopt some of Lorelai’s tactics?
The two staircases are completely unnecessary, as it’s not a big house, but so fun! The backstairs feels almost like I have a secret passage, or something.
I have only the vaguest memories of that episode. I’ll see if I have time to watch it before she gets here.
Oof. That sounds unpleasant.
Well. Clean to the extent that it pleases *you*, like you would for your own comfort or that of any guest.
Would it work to point her hypercritical tendency toward things you would also enjoy criticizing?
We’re leaving next week for a cruise vacation and I am so excited to be on a ship in the middle of nowhere where nobody can contact me and ask me to do anything for an entire week! I mean, we’ll be paying for internet access and reading email and doing some other internetty things because we are technogeeks with electronic addictions but I’m still telling everyone that we’re unable to check email because the satellite internet costs are too high SO SORRY I CAN’T DO THE THING.
Thank you all for your advice last week about dealing a an who is great void of apathetic unpleasantness. I psyched myself up and was ready to fight/wittily dismiss him on any topic, and it worked! A little. He wasn’t as bad as he normally is, and when I made scathing comment to him he showed every sign of enjoyment of my barb. So apparently, I have to be vastly cruel to him to get anything like a positive reaction? I’m not sure I have it in me to be that way.
Talk to me about sex things in literature and art that you didn’t get. I’ve only recently been made to understand the prevalence of orchids in various classic detective fiction is representative of woman/sex. I’m deeply embarrassed I didn’t get it before, it’s not like I’m new to the idea of symbolism, you know? Comfort me that I’m not alone in missing the point of things.
….does that mean I have to completely rethink my interpretation of Nero Wolfe? O.o
According to my Mom, Nero Wolfe fan and art history teacher who is very disappointed that her daughter missed obvious symbolism, the answer is yes. She quoted to me, “The orchids were his concubines: insipid, expensive, parasitic and temperamental.” She also says he said that they are “without deceit” and are a replacement for his difficulties understanding women.
I can’t verify the second quote. Mom remembering quotes is always a crapshoot and I’ve only watched the A&E show and that was years ago.
Toasties!
Does anyone have experience with Teach-Now or other online teacher training programs?
I’m living outside the U.S. right now, but I’m interested in eventually teaching high school Biology in the U.S. The problem is I don’t yet know what state I’m going to land in, so it seems like the best thing is to get a teaching certificate that could be transferable.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with the program (it seems weirdly hard to find reviews/information that isn’t directly from the company), or with starting to work as a teacher after being trained through this type of program… I’m especially interested in how prepared I will be to work with students who are less engaged in school if I do my teacher training this way. Would love any thoughts you have. Also, if you’re a real-life biology teacher I’d love to talk to you!
So, remember all the way back to last week when I had a date with a guy who was pleasant and not condescending and I was happy with dating?
He ghosted. I give up.
Try to think of it like a job interview! You can have an AMAZING interview where you totally connect with the interviewer, love the job/work/environment, and come out of it confident that you nailed it. Sometime later, you discover you didn’t get the job. You’re super disappointed and feel deceived by how GOOD it was, but probably another (better?!) job comes along and you’re relieved that you didn’t get the first one! Same goes for house hunting, usually.
Meh. Well, he was a fleeting, entertaining distraction. And practice. For someone you like more.
humans are the worst!
Since my week has been mostly…ugh…and I really enjoyed The Force Awakens when I saw it in the cinema a couple of months ago, I decided to spend my free time watching all the other Star Wars films. (So far I’ve seen the orginal trilogy and the first of the prequels.) I’m actually really enjoying them. Anyone want to discuss?
Ooh, I am always Here For a Star Wars discussion, but unfortunately I will be away from a computer for most of the afternoon. 🙁
Force Awakens was so delightful! I had a huge smile on my face during at least 50% of it. I have been getting into arguments with some friends about the importance of representation and what an excellent job it does of having a woman and two non-white (possibly not-straight) guys in leading roles, and I just have so many feelings about what Rey means to little girls and what great role models for non-toxic masculinity Poe and Finn are.
Love Star Wars, though I’ve never seen the prequels, because everyone has warned me off them! Intrigued to hear of someone enjoying them. Which of the films is your favorite so far, if you can pick one?
Probably Empire Strikes Back
I missed last week’s post.
I missed last Friday morning, for the most part, so it wasn’t just the Cocktail Hour that I missed out on. I’ve been able to figure out who was front, and why he didn’t call in (he wasn’t sure what number to call), and we were only fifteen minutes late, but… as I said elsewhere, I feel like I should’ve gotten an “Achievement Unlocked: Lost Time” popup in my field of vision. The stress from the Unpleasantness has hit a point where it’s affecting how well I remember things the other folx occasionally using this body do with it.
I’m still stunned that anyone here interacted with me, I still can’t get over that feeling that I’ve somehow landed in the Literary Club after missing the bus home from school and for some reason the impossibly cool seniors are all talking to me. It’s odd, that it’s that specific, especially given I’m nine years free of high school, and yet…
I’m not sure where I was going with that.
Anyone want to talk old JRPGs? I have something like a twenty-year backlog, I wasn’t allowed videogames until I was eighteen. Currently playing Final Fantasy VIII for the first time, and I simultaneously wish I’d had this story in junior high and am very glad I’m playing through it as an adult older than most of the characters. It’s been a weird mix of emotions – by turns “SOMEONE PROTECT THESE CHILDREN, OH MY GOD” and “whoa. WHOA. reading that would’ve spared me a lot of interpersonal badness in the late aughts”.
I have gotten so many FF recommendations but just haven’t gotten there yet. I just started sort of playing Black Desert but am finding it overwhelming, and am mad at myself for finding it overwhelming, like somehow I lose gamer credibility and then get flustered at being angry at myself that I spent money on it and am not playing it. It’s been a sad little shame-secret for me until just now. So, thanks for letting me say it.
That said… I do love RPGs and have been enjoying treating Star Wars: The Old Republic as a solo play game and writing stories in my head for my different characters while I run around in the worlds. And Dragon Age: Inquisition might satisfy you if you like FF. I know it has some other fans here.
I went to see Mallory talk yesterday, and it was delightful. Any other Kiwi Toasties who went there?
Any recommendations for things to do/see/eat in Charleston, South Carolina? I’m going to be there this coming week with my mom and would love some ideas!
Charleston is so great! We loved Folly Beach – even if the weather is not especially beachy, you can sometimes see an enormous storm roll in and it is very dramatic. Also, you will want to tuck into random people’s walled gardens which is both completely normal and a very charming Charleston thing.
Oh, also – so I have started bartending and I feel very conflicted about the way I have to portray myself in order to make enough money to live. Though I do get to call out unsuspecting dudes on patriarchal bullshit (my favourite was when 3 guys ordered a bottle of wine, and one asked, “So, is this common? Three guys sharing a bottle of wine?”
“Not really, no…” (given that we’re a beer bar)
“Shhh! You’re not helping my masculinity.”
“If your masculinity is dependent on what you’re drinking, you’ve got some work to do.”
Toasties, his friends laughed and agreed with me and he just sputtered and tried to come up with a response and it was hilarious.
Also, dudes that just sit at the bar and chat with their friends are adorable. I think I bought pretty heavily into the “Guys as feelingless drones” BS that floats around and it’s been really eye-opening to see the kinds of conversations they have when they’re alone.
Oh man, I have always had a significant number of dude friends but sort of suspected that the large number of “feelings” conversations I had with them were an effect of my being female. But once I got into a relationship with a dude who was quickly absorbed into their group I have realized that I wasn’t even getting the half of it on my own. He has been on the receiving end of more emotionally-wrought midnight phone calls than I ever have been. Dudes: they’re just like us, and sometimes even more so!
After you’ve been in it for six months or whatever, I would love to read an article about your bartending experiences. It sounds fascinating, especially observations about the things they actually talk about and how they respond to your comments, especially if they’re surprising in their Not Horribleness.
Seconding this!! Pls. kthx.
I have thought for a long time that I’d enjoy being a bartender. I know it’s super hard work and probably kind of demeaning a lot of the time, but I loved being a barista and I love watching people and interacting with them on a pretty shallow level.
Did you do any particular training in order to get started?
You are like Jane Goodall! Love it.
Hi everyone, I just want to make another plug for the Toast Dissertation (and other academic writing) Slack support group. If you would like an invite, you can email me at my toast username at gmail dot com.
Just as an update – we are up to 12 members now! So far we use the group to talk about our daily goals and provide motivation and support. We also have channels for mental health and for general grad school/dissertation discussions. You can stay as anonymous or not as you like.
I am in the middle of a predicament. I got into both of my top choice grad schools! I’m super excited and proud of myself!
Number 1 is giving me a tiny amount of money. Which is better than zero money, but still means that I will likely be taking out a lot in loans.
Number 2 is giving me a lot of money, but tuition is a lot higher than Number 1. So the amount I will have to pay even taking the scholarship is only a couple thousand dollars less than if I just went to Number 1. And I know, even a couple thousand dollars adds up and is important to the decision making process.
However, I genuinely believe that Number 1 is a better choice for my future academically and professionally, so I think I might be willing to go into that much more debt.
Also, one of my professors mentioned that sometimes it is possible to use offers from one school to do a little negotiating with the other school. I know this can happen in jobs, but I didn’t realize it was a possibility with grad schools.
So basically- can I use my big scholarship from Number 2 to try to get a better deal from Number 1? How would one even go about doing that?
I don’t know what tier of schools we are talking, but as someone who worked for a mid-tier university, the university is dying for graduate enrollments right now and absolutely will negotiate a package. I would try your department and the school admissions, and mention that #1 is your top choice, but you are having trouble making the financial commitment and wonder if other scholarship opportunities might be available. You could mention your other package amount as well.
In my school, the department and the school had their own separate fellowship pools. I assigned our dept. pool with our dept. director. As students declined, fellowship credits would open back up and we always reassigned them. No idea how it works elsewhere… but that is my one experience.
I’m going to say a couple thousand bucks is not important. $50,000? Yeah. $2-5,000? You won’t notice that in a decade. Go with the better fit.
I have no idea how to negotiate the stipend, but it can’t hurt to try! worst case: you end up with the deal that’s already on the table. Best case: you win more money!
Give the person you talked with at school no. 1 a call, and simply explain the situation to them. Something along the lines of “listen, I am really excited about your program, I really want to attend it, but school no. 2 is offering me a more generous package, and finances are certainly a concern for me. Is there any flexibility with the offer you have made me, because I would really like to attend your program?” Be sure to tell them you’re very interested in going there, and any reasons why. Don’t tell them that the difference between the two schools is small. Do tell them finances are one of several concerns for you. Don’t lie. Do be prepared for school no. 1 to say “no, sorry, we can’t do more,” in which case a good response might be “thank you, I’ll think about it and get back to you.” Because you can still accept the offer from no. 1 if you want to.
It is absolutely possible to negotiate. Be prepared for them to ask for evidence of your offer.
Sooooo does anyone know much about breast cancer genes? Not one of the BRCA mutations, but like… PALB2. For example. Waiting for my genetic counseling appt and trying to figure out what to expect. There aren’t any medical guidelines for treatment but my family history is bad. Real real bad. This morning I asked my dog if he wanted breast cancer instead of breakfast, so that’s where I am with it all.
Aw, hell. That’s so stressful. I don’t know anything about it, I’m afraid, but wish you the best.
Thank you, b&r. Very much appreciate it. 🙂
I hope the appointment went well as possible.
When you get a chance, I just wanted to give you a head’s up that a couple more Toasties are trying to join the TTC group.
No breast cancer knowledge from me, but many good wishes and internet-hugs if wanted
Very much appreciated – thank you.
I kinda hesitate to reply because I’m not a medical doctor, I’m a molecular biologist who works on genomic instability, but PALB2 is in the same pathway as BRCA2 (it’s a way the cell repairs DNA when it’s damaged – if PALB2 is mutated, the cell is more likely to choose a more error prone method), but mutations in PALB2 seem to carry more modest risks associated (approx 2-3 fold more likely to develop cancer, compared with BRCA2 which is more like tenfold).
Again, not a medical person in any way, and your genetic counsellor will probably have more up to date information about the exact risks involved (which might depend on the particular mutation you carry – one known mutation is common in Finland, for example).
I hope that helps and doesn’t hinder, and hope the counseling appt goes well.
I love how many scientists there are on this site! Thank you so much! I have some Scandinavian antecedents and honestly if that’s where I got this it would be pretty good news – the other part of the family has lots of BRCA1 so the counselor wants to figure out which branch of the family passed it on. Just pouring over all the family history charts and looking at the previous generations leads to a bit of a doomy feeling – but whatever the case, this is good information to have. Thank you again for your genomic instability perspective!
So I got a genetic test for a BRCA2 mutation, as my mother had the gene. My counselor was very nice, and the pre-test appointment was relatively straightforward (especially if you have already been doing a lot of anxious internet reading). They go through your family history in depth, discuss the risks of the specific mutation (and possibly precautions), and also ensure that you understand the risks of simply knowing your status (apparently some people simply give up on life and spend all their money). They seem to want to reassure you that you will not be receiving an absolute death sentence, and generally check in to see if you are stable enough to hear the news.
Obviously at the second appointment, where they give the results, you will definitely be a wreck. Either way, you will be a wreck. But you will later feel absolutely awesome at adult-ing – and you really are doing what’s best for you by trying to be proactive about your health. Please plan to do basically only self-care activities the day before and the day of. You will not be able to concentrate. You will want to eat lots of chocolate, wash it down with wine, and talk about family medical drama with your best girl friend.
So I definitely have the gene! And my doctor was very nice but was also very like “This is above my pay grade, make appointments with these specialists.” Which I have done! BUT as the song says the waiting is the hardest part, unless of course the waiting results in a recommendation for a radical mastectomy (a handful of my cousins went this route) in which case THAT is the hardest part. 🙂 But yes I have been chocolate and wining it UP! I was doing a no-refined-sugar stretch but then decided now is not the time for that. This weekend I plan on making a cake with whipped cream and strawberries – like strawberry shortcake times 100. But with chocolate. Is what I’m thinking.
Thank you so much for your advice – I’m glad you got the information you need to make the best decisions for your health. And I will NOT give up on life or spend all my money – though I did look at that backless dress Jane Marie posted early and think “SHIT if I get a mastectomy I am 100% going to wear backless dresses EVERY DAY.”
Well. I know nothing much. I do know my grandmother survived aggressive breast cancer and a radical mastectomy in the 60s, which sounds like the Dark Ages to me. *hug* Good luck, and good health. Remember to breathe.
Thank you, lady. I keep telling myself this is not the same at all as it was back then (my grandmother and her many sisters did not fare as well as your grandmother, unfortunately) and that we know so much more and this genetic test is important and good and how lucky we are to have it as an option. It’s just… wish there was more hard data! WISH I COULD GET INTO THE COUNSELOR SOONER. Oh well, as mentioned, this is what chocolate and wine were made for.
Last night I wasted 2 hours of work ruining a stone for my lithography class. I leave for vacation tomorrow and I am OUT OF TIME to work on it. Generally despondent as this week ends, and plans for tonight include: dranks, packing, pedicure.
Please send cat pics and good stories.
i need to go outside and get my fitbit steps for the day before it rains this afternoon, and i just don’t wanna. and i don’t just have to do this for myself, but because i’m accountable to a workweek hustle. and because it’s finally working and a couple pounds have flown away.
You can do it! I usually find I feel better after walking, even if I didn’t want to. Or, think of it this way: you can go outside for five minutes and come right back in if you want to.
thanks for the push! i’ve figured it out, and came up with some errands i could do on foot & train, so i’m off!
Thanks for the motivation! I need to get some steps in today, and while I love sitting in front of my computer perusing OT…it will still be here after my walk 🙂 Thanks again!!
Oh gossssshhhh workweek hustles. I started one this week with everyone on my friends list. I don’t know why I did this! They all average like 12k steps! I average 6k! Even my one friend was sick this week and posted “Sick yesterday, only got 2300 steps.” That’s about what I get on a day where I go to the office and don’t go to the gym (or go on a walk). How do people do this???
The only times I hit 10k are when I do an hour and a half+ of dedicated walking.
If it makes you feel any better, I have hit 10,000 sitting on a bar stool more than several times. I gesticulate a lot, and apparently get credit for those gesticulations, and perhaps other movements.
I hear you can calibrate the FitBit, but I haven’t yet – I like the big numbers! And I use mine waaaaaay more as a HR monitor, which I know is also not that accurate, but feels pretty accurate. I love the app for accountability.
i’ve done that too. also, when i got on this treadmill workstation, i realized that the fitbit really won’t count steps if my arm isn’t swinging, which makes me wonder how many steps i lose when i’m not arm swinging out in nature. anyway, i found a way to clip it to my pants near my knee so it registers steps, but i was mad at the fitbit that day.
i work in an office 3 days per week and my work doesn’t have a lot of built-in walking, so i have to take walks. in the nadir of light hours, i took to walking at lunch, which i still do for about 5k steps. now that it’s light till about an hour after i get out, i walk about 6k steps then. also, this office has a treadmill workstation, which nobody ever uses, so i’ve been spending an hour on it for another ~6k or whatever i can get.
for me, it’s the days at home that are tricky. it’s really easy to say “i can do it anytime” and have that translate into not making time at all. it definitely helps if i have a destination or errands to do, and make a point to take transit instead of driving. like, did i NEED to go to Ulta today? not really, but i wanted to ride our train’s new stops, and i had a short list of toiletries i wanted to get, which turned into a much more fun shopping trip of extra lotions and scented face wipes and stuff.
and the joke is, i didn’t beat the rain home, had to buy an umbrella out, and still have 2k steps before hitting 10k for the day. ah well, it’s lasagna making time.
Hamilton.
But also, I try and walk in the early dawn before I can talk myself out of it.
Hey Toasts! I am going on holiday to LISBON (!!!) next week. What should I do? Besides eat those custard tart thingies? It’s my first solo vacation and I’m so excited and also kind of weirded out about how *independent* I’m being. Well, trying to be.
Eat sooo many custard tart things! We went for our honeymoon in June and had a really great time. If you’re going to Sintra (and I hope you are), I would kinda recommend skipping the national palace and focusing on the other ones? Our national palace experience was that it was suuuuper short (just a few rooms) and packed to the brim with tour groups so it was hard to see anything and you wasted a lot of time standing around. We had the best time at Quinta da Regaleira and its amazing gardens with “secret” tunnels behind waterfalls. The castle ruins up the hill had great views and scary old stone steps around the outer walls. We also went to Evora which is a small town ~2 hours away for an amazing tour of the megaliths (http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g189106-d2169534-Reviews-Ebora_Megalithica_Guided_Tours-Evora_Evora_District_Alentejo.html) from a young and quite attractive (male) geologist.
If you’re planning on also going to Porto, I have about a million recommendations. 🙂
I think it’s a great place for a solo vacation – everyone was tremendously nice (and english-speaking, which is helpful if you’re me and well-meaning but incapable of speaking foreign languages)
So fun! We had dinner and drinks here one night, and it seemed like it would be a cool place to hang by yourself. http://theindependente.pt/collective/ There is a little park nearby with amazing city views, and a bar (?!).
The modern art museum on the waterfront was tops! The maritime museum across the street was really interesting, too, especially if you’re into museum theory.
Try a ginjinha! Anthony Bourdain approved http://www.yelp.ca/biz/a-ginjinha-lisboa
What do you like doing normally? I could probably think up some more awesome things we did 🙂
Thanks for the reply! I really enjoy history and history-related things- old-timey art for example. And creepy stuff, like ghosts and witches. And hearing music! And dancing! And eating. More than anything else, eating.
Ha, I don’t have any tips, but I posted on the second page that I’m planning to go to Lisbon in April, funny coincidence :). Have fun!
I definitely recommend taking a train to Sintra for the day. If you don’t mind, get up early and get there as soon as the heritage sites start opening. We were one of about 5 people walking around Castelo dos Mouros and it was one of my favorite memories. If I remember right, you can buy a combined ticket for multiple sites. Buying the combo ticket at the Castelo dos Mouros meant we skipped the line at the more popular main palace, which is decently busy by mid-day (I was also there spring break/easter week).
Eat all the pasteis de Belem you can find. All of them. You will not regret this choice.
Do any Toasties who live in the DC-area have any experience in privacy, particularly federal privacy? My organization is desperately trying to hire people to fill out our team. We’re looking for mostly junior and mid-level people.
I am interested! Do you have more details you’re allowed to discuss? I’m reachable at k m c o l l e y @ g mail if that helps
(i made an intensedebate account today and it’s being weird about letting me logoff, so I may have a different user name for this response)
Sure! So it’s a large government contracting firm and we provide privacy support (policy, compliance, privacy impact assessments, incident response, training, etc.) to several different agencies. Although we’re looking for junior and mid-level people, they’re very picky about you needing some privacy experience (my boss tends to be picky about it being federal privacy experience, but that could be a little flexible). Candidates need no fewer than 3 years of experience (ideally closer to 5) and a BA/BS. You have to be in the DC-area.
It can be an intense place to work, but our team is really great and very supportive of helping you achieve your professional goals as much as they can.
Ok, I only have about a year’s worth of experience and it’s all at the municipal level. Thank you for the information anyway! I hope you’re able to build a good team quickly.
Toasties, today is ROUGH. The bulk of the staff at the small nonprofit where I work spent all day yesterday – 9 to like 5:55 – in another all-day meeting for the bajillionth day of an ongoing strategy process. And we’ve hit a point where people are not super trusting of one another and are struggling and it is PAINFUL and our facilitator is not particularly good and I am SO FRUSTRATED. Junior staff are feeling like our input isn’t valued, the highest ranking staffer in the room keeps pushing back at mass consensus that she doesn’t like, and we had no agenda for the day so I have no idea if we actually accomplished what we were supposed to accomplish.
Has anyone been through a horribly painful strategy process and gotten through alive? Any advice for me? These all-day meetings have been maybe the most painful thing I’ve ever dealt with in my career and there’s another one coming up in like ten days.
Oh honey I am SO SORRY. I love you and you can do it.
Groannnnn. Been there. Sooo painful.
Detachment is my strategy. Effective … when I actually succeed at detaching. Not easy.
The key is to accept that there will be no positive outcome. No inspiration. No solution to ongoing problems. No new ideas of value. No accomplishments.
Except one: You remain employed.
Self talk: “I’m paid to be here. To keep this income, I must be in this room. Can I avoid participating and get away with it? If not, what’s the minimum I can get away with? If I say something mildly supportive every 30 minutes, maybe that will be enough. I can pretend I’m taking notes while listening for something I can respond to with ‘good idea, Julia’ or ‘you’re right, Rachel’. Three hours down, only six more until I can leave for the day. When I get home I’m going to reward myself with ___. I’m also going to spend 30 minutes online after supper, looking for a better job.”
Yes, thoroughly cynical. But I have been in these sessions so many times for so many employers and have *never* seen positive results. Other than to the consultant’s bottom line or to the ego of the exec who called the meeting.
Ugh. Cynical, yes, and I’m really hoping that I won’t need to go anywhere anytime soon. I’m just hitting one year since a layoff, and I started here in August. My boss is AMAZING, best boss I’ve ever had, and I’d like to stick with her for a while because she is genuinely invested in my professional development in a way I’ve never experienced. You’re right though – I’m doing my best to be in the room and engaged ENOUGH. And that might have to be all I can do, which sucks.
Oof. Been there. I’m not sure I can say anything super helpful (all day meetings are a terrible idea and rarely productive – but then I’m sure you know that at this point). Mostly you have my deep sympathies.
Where do you feel your strongest talents lay? Is there anyway you can employ those to help push the meeting in a more: empathetic? well organized? better listening? more structured? less tense and more humorous etc etc direction? Facilitating is hard and I’m sure your person knows they don’t have a good handle on the room.
Ultimately though what I would do is 1) Try to listen for the underlying reasons people are talking about the issues/taking stances the way they are and trying to understand and speak to those as a way to stay engaged and move forward without going totally insane and/or 2) Be the person who calls out emotional fatigue/need to take a break and regroup/people not being listened/needing to break into smaller working groups to etc.
You shouldn’t have to be the one to do any/all of those things but it sounds like you’ve got a leadership vacuum that will only get better if someone steps into it.
I’ve tried SO HARD to do #2 – after our last set of these meetings, which was two CONSECUTIVE FULL DAYS are they trying to murder us maybe yes, I went to the person in charge of them and said “Hey, that was really hard for me. Can I request that we schedule breaks throughout the day that are long enough to leave the windowless conference room? Getting a colleague who is not in these meetings to deliver fancy coffee that work paid for was nice, but I was crawling out of my skin and would have happily paid for my own coffee to get a break!”
And that… didn’t really happen. Even though she said yes to my face.
Yesterday, when we hit our scheduled stop time of 5:30 and they asked if people had more time, I looked at them and said “this has been a really long and exhausting day, is fifteen minutes really going to enable us to wrap this up? maybe we should accept that we aren’t going to finish things?” and we kept going anyway, for more than the fifteen minutes we agreed on.
Not cool. The only way these sorts of processes ever work is if people stick to rules about time and pacing. Ultimately that’s unproductive and not respectful of all of your time. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and that other people need to step up and press for more humane and thoughtful (and ultimately successful) meeting practices.
Is there anyone else you can enlist in the cause of better meeting organization/practices?
<3 Don’t give up!
The other two 20-something junior staffers in the room are in agreement on these problems, and one of them is the person organizing logistics for all of this. So we’re hopeful that we can push back a little. We’ll see? But one of these two colleagues is on her year-post-graduation of her student visa and is now saying that if she doesn’t get the visa she applied for to stay on past June-ish, she won’t be heartbroken, because this is THAT frustrating and she doesn’t trust that the work will be going in a good/fulfilling direction.
Hopefully, there can be strength in persistent numbers.
:< It’s super disheartening when something you thought was going to be fulfilling turns into something you can’t stand. It sounds like these meetings are actually harming the org more than anything.
What about your boss? I would want to know if my org were driving itself and my employees off a cliff because of easily fixed process stuff. Once the back biting and mistrust starts it take a long time and lots of intentional team building to regain it.
Anywho, *hugs*. If it doesn’t get better maybe tactfully excuse yourself from future meetings ala : I’m really invested in the outcomes of these meetings but I have crucial mission oriented activities I need to attend to and am leaving conversation in your “capable” hands let me know if you need my input?
Oh, my boss definitely knows some of it – and she’s the senior staffer we all are hoping will be on our side and help! We’ll see what happens. Sadly, these meetings are being considered “mission critical” and I don’t think I can get away with attempting to excuse myself. We’re a very small staff, and the idea that I don’t want to have input on this stuff would not be looked on well. But thanks so much for the pep talks and advice – this really has been helpful.
I have been thinking about this and wanting to reply once I had something insightful or useful to say but, man, I got nothin’. I have also been subject of late to long meetings that left a lot to be desired vis a vis organization, productivity, and consensus. What are the chances of getting a new/different facilitator? A clear agenda, some guidance to discussions, well-expressed goals put up for easy viewing, execution that leaves room for all germane input, and well-scheduled breaks could make all the difference in the world, and that can all come down to the facilitator.
Good luck. I respect that you have loyalty to your boss, and sucky meetings happen in the best jobs (I think), but maybe consider options if it remains a constant feature of your current employment.
I finally got around to playing Her Story last night and it was so good! I was awed by the fact someone came up with a concept like that. It’s such a good video game. I want to make all of my friends play it, so I’m also coming here to say I highly recommend it!!
Yes! My partner & I played it together last year and it was such a good game. Did you play it alone or with someone? – I desperately needed someone to bounce ideas off to think of more things to try. The story was fascinating.
I played it alone because my husband was out doing tabletop RPG thingies, but I think he was a little disappointed to come home and find me glued to the game without him. Whoopsies.
I just loved how intuitive it was, and how much the story changed and unfolded as you explored the videos. It was just such a perfect example of interactivity in games. The mechanics told a story but the story you told yourself was just as (if not more) important. I’m still not sure I have decided what I think “actually” happened.
I have a lot of feelings about games, but I tend to stay to story-heavy, female protagonist ones, so I don’t know if my recommendations would be up your alley or not. I am currently playing Solstice as well and it is beautiful and interesting.
AAAHHH I loved Her Story!!!!! My partner and I played it together – he was in charge of keyboard-using and search-term-tracking, and I was in charge of making a spreadsheet so we could keep all the bits straight and record our observations. We had a hearty debate about our conclusions; it very nicely fed my inner conspiracy theorist in a very satisfying way. I soooo want to discuss theories but so much more don’t want to spoil anything for anyone.
We also found, after playing through almost all of the game, that there is a very simple way to see everything in order all the way through. Handy for end-game purposes, but I am very glad we didn’t discover it sooner, as it would have made it way less fun. For those reasons, I will never tell what it is and am going on record as actively discouraging anyone from looking it up until they are desperate to see those last few, difficult-to-search-for clips.
Agh yes! My spouse and I played it for a bit but got a little stuck and haven’t gone back lately.
I tried to pick it back up last night but it just…wasn’t the same? Even though it had only been a day, I had already lost the thread and the feeling of hot pursuit of truth/story I had the night before. 🙁 Maybe if I try it some years down the road I can find something new. I have a terrible memory so it would probably be like playing for the first time again!
Hm interesting. So….I don’t want to like, spoil the game but is there some “win” condition we’re supposed to achieve, or do we just figure out what happened to the best of our ability? That’s why we kinda trailed off. We couldn’t tell what to do next once we felt we had a handle on what happened…
I went to the doctor and I have strep throat and also bronchitis! And this is kind of awesome because strep throat is FIXABLE! Yay!
I am now totally swamped with work forever and ever, but looking forward to being able to swallow crunchy food and sleep without waking up to cough in the near future.
Underground just premiered on WGN America and I haven’t seen anything like it. It’s action thriller meets period drama. I highly recommend it to all.
I’m looking forward to seeing (let’s be honest, buying) this when it’s finally out on disc (I don’t have cable or even reliable network TV) . The previews and such that I’ve seen are amazing. I hope The Toast includes it for consideration in one of the media/show-centered posts.
I’m looking forward to watching it this weekend. Actually been looking forward to it for awhile because it has Aldis Hodge in it and he’s one of my fave dude actors ever.
I heard Underground was good, but I didn’t know he was in it! I love him! Leverage is one of my very favorites. So now I’m sold, even more so than before.
I’m going on a date tomorrow. With a guy. I’m not nervous, but I’m not not nervous. Auggghhh.
So what is the best way to deal with street harassment from the (maybe?) mentally ill? I was riding the city bus yesterday after a professional luncheon and a man I am assuming is homeless made a gross comment to me about my legs. I pretty much just said UGH and looked away until my stop, but I’ve felt weird about it ever since. I know not all homeless people are mentally ill, but he did seem somewhat off, besides the rude comments. I also know I don’t have to respond, but what’s the best way to think about this? I’ve been kind of in a spiral about this ever since.
What made you feel weird about it? That your reaction was too strong, or not strong enough?
(…In my opinion, there is never a justifiable excuse for harassment on public transportation. I think your response was perfectly appropriate.)
You did just fine! If he had been wearing a suit and tie, I doubt you would’ve reacted differently.
I am the softest of soft touches, but becoming friends with people who work as advocates for vulnerable populations has given me some perspective on the fact that you do folks absolutely NO favors by giving them a free pass to be abusive or otherwise inappropriate.
Good news toasts! I got a mechanic job! With normal hours and decent pay – they’re even willing to hire me back after my trip, maybe even over winter. Just in time too, cause one of my other jobs took away wage floor and didn’t tell anybody so I made $170 for 20 hours of work. I’ve been having a great week aside from that though. Happy spring!
I dunno if anyone will see but my chill is fleeing (thanks, Sudafed!) and I could use a calm perspective. I need to return a background check authorization *today* to the person who interviewed me yesterday, and since we are in the same building, she said call to try and catch up with her. I did this morning, no dice. I had to call twice yesterday to catch up with her to pick up the form, but she didn’t have time for me to complete it before she had to go. Please tell me I’m not a pest if I check in again this afternoon so I can give her this blasted thing? I just want them to take it and they only want hand delivery and ahhhhh.
Fuck worrying about being a pest. I’d call her every hour on the hour until the damned thing was out of my hands.
Bahaha, okay excellent point. Plus it would sure drive home that I’m actually interested in the job despite having been a dork and talking too much about programming. Time to call!
Please please please tell me some of my fellow toasties are watching Beowulf Return to the Shieldlands. ALL I want is to talk about how great the show actually is once you get past the awful first episode.
Beowulf himself is mostly uninteresting but all the other characters are well developed, multi-dimensional, and have surprising motivations and character arcs. The politics of trade unions and terrible fathers and mob justice and over ambitious innovations in governance is to die for. Also and finally there are SOOO many great female characters and they are all TERRIFYING in the best ways. AHHHH.
The only play the show is getting online is about how it’s not game of thrones/is a knockoff, is not Beowulf (which obviously – the epic poem is Beowulf the show needed space to tread new ground) and how boring the first episode was. Yes it was terrible.
I have never heard of that show? is it a show? where do I find it? it sounds excellent.
On day 2 of my first Period With A DivaCup, and I’m already suppressing urges to be someone that won’t shut up about menstrual cups.
But ladies. It’s so nice. I may never have that tinge of “oh shit I forgot to put tampons in my purse” ever again!
yes, welcome to the club, I have been in it for over ten years and I am still that someone
Me too! Instead Softcups forever.
I’ve been this person since christmas and I regret nothing. My cup made my life so much better and I’ve been having a really hard time shutting up about it. There was eye rolling and mediocre amounts of disgust.
I’m obsessed with mine. It’s totally okay. Don’t worry about it.
I had a TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE the first time. Can anyone help me convince myself to try it again???
I couldn’t get it out the first time! Like, spent more than an hour in a bathroom trying to get it out and I have no idea how I pulled it out that time. But once I got up the nerve to try again and figured out how to remove the thing, I fell in LOVE and it was totally worth it. And now I’ve been using it for more than seven years and never have to spend money on menstrual products.
Thank you!!! That was what happened to me too. Perhaps I will be able to move on from this. 🙂
If I may give a tip, my trick for removal is to stick my index finger up along the edge of the cup and push in, so that I’m folding the cup back in a little bit on itself. It’s a more relaxed version of the way I fold it for insertion. Once it’s ever-so-slightly folded, it’s very easy to grab the base with my middle finger and thumb and slide it out, tipping the contents into the toilet as I pull it out.
Seconding this method, it works very reliably. I eventually got the hang of breaking the suction by pinching and tilting the base, and I do prefer that method now, but it’s very useful to know I have this method as a backup and don’t have to panic if the other way isn’t working for me.
Thanks! I’ll try that.
This is how I remove it every time.
If you have a high-seated cervix, you may need to use your middle finger instead so that you can reach it and just push the top rim of the cup in a bit to break the suction. Then you can proceed with enough fold to pull it out.
Thank you!!! That was what happened to me too. Perhaps I will be able to move on from this. 🙂
I had a TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE the first time. Can anyone help me convince myself to try it again???
They are so nice! I love not having to worry about things for a long chunk of the day and only ever having to buy pantyliners every now and then.
Every once in a while I get my period when I’m out and about and I haven’t brought my cup and I have to use an emergency tampon and I’m like “wow this is so uncomfortable, I’m glad I don’t do this on the regs anymore.”
I have a friend who is evangelistic about hers, and she has me almost convinced but I know there’s a learning curve and I read a scary article on The Hairpin about someone who accidentally suctioned hers to her cervix and couldn’t get it out?!?! So now I am back to being afraid to try it. 🙁
Honestly, I had no learning curve. I read every word of the booklet that came with it the night before I tried it, and everything worked as described. It took two tries to get it in right, but aside from that, it was actually easier than I’d figured! (Although I totally get that not everyone has that experience. Our anatomies are all a little different and no shame to those whose don’t take to the cup as easily!)
That Hairpin article however… I didn’t know it existed and now I’m going to read it and regret having read it.
Right???
Isn’t it just magical? It’s been ten years for me now and I’m still just delighted by how convenient it is.
Planning on buying one soon! I’ve been using softcup for a while and like it way more than tampons/panty liners, but it does leak sometimes which only works for my cause I work from home. Read some reviews/comparisons online that suggest the Diva Cup is superior. Will be joining your ranks soon.
Oh! I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you, Toasties. I’m basically lollipop-shaped, in that I have pretty thin legs and a round belly, so I have trouble a lot with waistbands rolling down. Underwear, sweatpants, jeans, anything, but it’s most difficult with elastic waistbands for things like gym clothes. I either have to pull things up way over my belly, resulting in a very Urkely older-grandpa-pants look, or resign myself to the fact that I’m always going to be pulling my waistbands up and/or exposing my belly unexpectedly. Tucking a camisole or something under jeans or work pants helps a bit, but in instances where that’s not an option, I’m basically stuck.
Does anyone else here have this problem and have any advice for me? Have you figured this out? ‘Cause it drives me nuts, basically always.
Oh yes, I am this shape and have this issue. I just wear a loooong tank top tucked in under everything, and gave up trying to make high waisted stuff work on me because I’m not really an hourglass. It also helps that I started wearing men’s jeans again. They seem cut for this shape.
Yep, long tank tops underneath helps a lot! I like the stretchy camisoles from Costco for this, they’re long enough that they don’t untuck themselves and let the pants roll anyway (like the tanks I’ve gotten from Old Navy and Target tend to do).
Hmmm. My first thought was empire waisted dresses, for work or casual.
I have to admit, maternity stuff is pretty awesome. You could get some high quality maternity yoga pants. The good ones for second trimester would probably be perfect. And with a top on, no one would know and you’d be super comfortable and could focus on movement rather than flashing people.
I would think anything with a wide waistband would resist rolling. You could also take a beloved and otherwise fitting pair of pants or jeans to a seamstress/tailor and get them to do some anti-rolling reinforcement.
Good luck!
I do have a few empire waist dresses, but I prefer pants for all kinds of reasons for a lot of things.
Maternity yoga pants might be the ticket, at least to solve the problem for casual settings… thank you. 🙂
unitard. (seriously, that’s what I want to buy, I have the same problem.)
I’ve given up and resigned myself to just pulling up waistbands a lot myself. A couple of things I pull up high in the first place, but otherwise… lots of tugging. I also wear longer tops to prevent the belly exposure.
Yeah, I’m into longer/flowier tops in general anyway. I at least can keep a pair of jeans up with a belt on without too much rolling, but I’m still tugging those back up sometimes. Blah!
I dug out this pair of capris to wear to the gym today because it’s too warm for my yoga pants (which are high-waisted and have two snug waistbands that miraculously don’t curl or slide) this week. I forgot that I quit wearing those capris out of the house because literally any movement will start them on a path sliding gently down my body, slowed only by the friction between them and my underwear. Jeans, with the heavier material, seem to stay better than these capris.
I didn’t wear a longer top today. It was bad.
Suspenders?
Suspenders was my thought too. My pants constantly flop on me, belts do no good, so I’m buying some nice button-on braces soon. Style and function!
Oooooo, snazzy! There’s a thought.
I think skirts worn with the waistband really high look more stylish than pants worn the same way. And some of them are designed to be worn that way.
Of course, then you have to wear skirts. I’ve been wearing jeans and pulling them up regularly, because they’re warmer and they have more practical pockets.
Drawstring waists sometimes work better for me, especially for things like gym clothes, because I can pull the drawstring a teensy bit snug and it stays snug. The only thing to watch out for is things with a decorative fake drawstring, which is obviously useless. Or drawstrings that attach to elastic, which are slightly less useless but still not great.
Break up thread?
Toasts, I have only posted here a few times. But I am so very sad, and you are all so very wonderful.
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me on Wednesday. I won’t say it was out of nowhere- but I was growing very hopeful that we could work through some communication issues we recently identified and grow closer- I love him very much and was not ready to end things.
I am reaching out to friends, reading a lot of Captain Awkward and trying to respect his choice and not send him a “but maybe this is all just a misundersanding??” email.
Anyway, I am seeing my therapist in a few hours. But comisseration is appreciated. Broken hearts love company.
Also, does anyone remember which open thread recently had a discussion of break up songs? I will try to find it this weekend otherwise.
I’ve been sharing Dear Sugar’s advice column #77 all over the place lately, because it is brilliant and wise and beautiful and gave me a serious lift of the heart. I’m not sure if the situations involved are relevant to you of course, but the overall message feels pretty universal. http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpu…
What incredible and moving advice. Thank you for sharing it. I’ve bookmarked it for the future, too, to remind myself what the right relationship should (and shouldn’t) feel like.
First off, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. That shit hurts bad. I went through a breakup where my boyfriend stomped all over my heart and I just felt worthless all the time. HOWEVER, I was comforted in realizing that time was on my side. Every day you wake up, it’s going to be easier. Then, every month that goes by is going to hurt less, until it doesn’t hurt at all.
I watched a bunch of feel good comedies. I recommend For A Good Time Call, Bridesmaids, Easy A…all those! Also, my bf hated wild hair colors, so I dyed my hair bright purple baaasically entirely out of spite, but it felt awesome. I highly recommend doing something that he held you back from, if there was anything like that.
Thank you for your kind words! And for the reminder that things will get better- I think it’s hard to really believe it, even though I know it’s true.
I actually haven’t seen For A Good Time Call or Easy A, so I will put them both on the list! And I absolutely love the idea of you dying your hair purple as a way of moving on… I’ll have to think of something equally inspired.
I recommend every album Liz Phair put out in the 90s.
So sorry to hear. I had a very similar thing happen to me a few years ago; it does get better, I promise. Here are some more links that I hope you find helpful.
http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/ (highly, highly recommend the book as well!)
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ (look under “Blog” and you can search by theme)
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/finally-letting-go-of-…
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-…
Hey hertzpertz,
I am 100% in your shoes right now. I was just contemplating whether to make a break-up thread and decided to look around in case one was already started.
I don’t have too much advice for you, just a heart full of commiseration and empathy. My boyfriend broke up with me last Sunday and I was not expecting it.
I have been writing in my journal lots which has been helpful, especially when I want to send him emails detailing every new thought about how we can make it work. My latest urge has been to text him “No! I don’t want to do this!” and then let things magically fall back in to place the way they were.
I’m trying to see that that wouldn’t actually be helpful, as the relationship was obviously not working for him, and I respect that he needs to do what’s best for himself.
But uggg.
My healing methods have been to keep myself busy and distracted, and then just sit with my sad heart and feel the heaviness when I can do nothing else.
The distractions? Swimming (furious, furious swimming), a burlesque show, dinner with friends, the movie The Triplettes of Belleville, cooking for my roommates (and letting them cook for me), and starting the book One Hundred Years of Solitude (so melodramatic). I don’t really want to do the Drink Lots of Wine thing, I’m worried I’ll just end up hungover and sad.
If you have any other advice about things that work for you, I’ve subscribed to all new comments and I’d be grateful to hear it.
Hoping that you find a coping mechanism that works for you and that time really does help like everyone says it does.
You are doing so many right things, ketchup!! Time WILL help and you aid that process every day you both feel your feelings but also put YOU first 🙂
Other things that helped me:
Starting a new hobby/goal that was unrelated to my ex. In my case it was biking and it changed everything for me
Putting a timer on for when I was feeling really down — once the timer was up I had to do something – anything – beside sit by myself and focus on the break up. Even punching a pillow counted!
Switching up my environment — I bought some new-to-me furniture and new posters. I taped motivational sayings to my bathroom mirror. I took away everything that was related to my ex and threw it in a box deep in my closet and ignored its existence for many months
Going out alone. Movies, restaurants, concerts. It’s the opposite of who I am at my core, but I did it to prove to myself that being single and on my own was “okay.” And it was great! I flirted, had great conversations with strangers who became friends, laughed belly-deep the way I wasn’t sure I would again… It really made a difference
I believe in you. All the Toasties do!! You got this.
I had a terrible Monday because I basically just got to work and started falling asleep, and this kept happening for most of the day. I thought I had been getting good regular sleep and everything (well, except for the exercise, because I am lazy and the morning time when I’m supposed to exercise is also the time I spend feeling miserable and just wanting to go back to bed). Maybe this incident will finally motivate me into taking exercise seriously?
Toasties with hypersomnia disorders, what are your management strategies?
Oh, that’s dreadful. 🙁 For my money’s worth? Exercise does not energize me immediately afterward, so I do it in the evening or at night. I’ve also been using dissolvable vitamin B12 tablets to cope with Grad School Brain, and they have been *very* helpful for focus and alertness.
Is there any way you can take a micronap at lunch time or on a break? Sometimes that’s all you need to get yourself over that awful afternoon hump.
The afternoon hump is usually all I have to contend with, and a 15-minute break in the early afternoon is enough to get me past it. And on those days I’m proud of myself for not taking an accidental nap, because it used to happen fairly often, before I quit caffeine and started controlling my sleep schedule. Monday was certainly an outlier.
I’m taking B12, not sure if it’s the same form you’re referring to though? It’s dissolve-in-your-stomach, not dissolve-in-your-mouth (at least according to the instructions).
Dissolve-in-your-mouth acts more quickly–that’s the only real difference.
You sound like me. I thought I got plenty of sleep. I thought I was sleeping soundly. But I was sleepy during the day. After I asked way too many questions, my barely verbal, communication avoidant spouse told me I snore. So I’m not sleeping soundly. I’m not getting much rest at all, even though I’m in bed for 8 hours.
So sorry to hear that. Are you on CPAP? Does it seem to be helping?
My partner informs me that I do snore occasionally (i.e. when I have a blocked nose) but my sleep tests didn’t pick up any apnea. Hypochondriac part of my brain suggests that “well, maybe it happens most of the time but not on the days you had tests.”
Hypochondriac brain is a jerk and I try not to pay attention to it.
(My diagnosis from my sleep tests is idiopathic hypersomnia, which my doctor explained as “parts of your brain falling asleep when they’re not supposed to”. There is still a lot we don’t know about how sleep works…)
My brother loves his CPAP. Our snoring is definitely inherited, so I should try a CPAP. Getting a sleep study scheduled is on my list, but well below other health priorities.
Shoutout to the Toastie that mentioned The History Chicks podcast in one of the Link Roundups this week. 11 year old me was completely delighted with the Helen Keller and Laura Ingalls Wilder episodes.
You are all awesome. You are all the reason for any cool content I consume. xx
So, daylight savings this weekend (for some of us).
I’m now firmly in the “I have two small children and I loathe anything that messes with their sleep schedules (in as much as they *have* something resembling a sleep schedule…) What about you? Love it? Hate it? Funny stories about things happening at the wrong time? What weird explanations have you heard for why we do it? Or, if you just want to gloat that you don’t have to participate, that’s fine too!
HATE it. Listen, dealing with SAD is bad enough. it’s bad in the fall when it makes night come faster, and it’s bad in the spring because you get a glimmer of hope when mornings start being lighter and then they take it all away again. It needs to not exist, basically!
I am stressed out and tired and numb and feeling really poorly. I have sucked at getting myself in to find a new doc on our new insurance; I am scared to go talk to someone new and have to outline my medical history, and am irrationally afraid a new doc will make me do the entire round of every test ever I have already endured to get to the same conclusion, or even outright tell me I am fine and it’s in my head, or deny me meds.
Work has been rough, and I just got demoted. I am relieved and disappointed at the same time. My mom has my little one today, and I have a long list of pretty fun errands – new clothes, spring clothes for my toddler, a pedicure – but I just now realized I feel too bad (pain level, fatigue) and too emotionally drained to manage doing fun, self-care errands, much less scary, hard Adulting tasks.
I need to pull myself together but I have been drawing hard on my reserves to hit some deadlines for this project, which has been giving me nothing in return. I am just coasting now that I have a bit of a break and have no clue how to recharge enough to get to a better spot to do necessary things for myself to improve my overall situation. I realize sticking my head in the sand and waiting to feel better is not the answer but it is where I am, and having a hard time muscling past it.
I am idly thinking of making a Pinterest altar to Saint Morticia, that she may guide me in her glorious amazingness towards accomplishing my stupid life stuff and/or making it all disappear.
I’m so sorry. Convincing yourself to go and introducing yourself to new doctors and/or therapists is the worst. I hope you find something that makes you feel a little better today/this evening.
That is so kind. Thank you.
Sending you lots of good wishes. I hope you’re able to find something you enjoy doing this weekend (coloring? Playing games? watching/reading bad romance stories? a bubble bath? extra sleep?), and that you’re able to recharge.
Hugs! Do your former doctors have electronic records that you can download? I’ve had reasonable success downloading my records from my old docs and faxing them (using some random internet pdf to fax tool) to my new doctors, with indications during appointments that my new doctors actually looked at the info, more’s the wonder. Several doctors have also let me download their forms ahead of time and fill them out at home so I didn’t have to do it all at the office. I also now just keep everything printed in a folder that I take with me to appointments and things so I don’t have to actually remember whatever piece of health data I’m supposed to fill out. It’s all still an enormous pain in the butt, but it’s definitely better.
Oh gosh I’m so late but I really want to talk about this: https://food52.com/the-piglet/judgments/113-made-…
First: don’t read the comments. Second: I am inordinately pleased with this result. I’m biased, but she does such an amazing job of articulating why I stopped reading Serious Eats: Lopez-Alt’s editorial style is definitely pandering to a demographic, and I’m just gonna say it: the demographic is “male nerd.” And I take issue with all prescriptive cookbooks/tutorials/philosophies because (a) it dismisses the work women have done thanklessly over centuries and (b) it implies that, even though home cooks undoubtedly experiment and perfect their methods, it is somehow lesser than science, that it’s totally naive. Home cooks know exactly what they’re doing, acting like applying the scientific method is something novel is totally condescending. (This was a bit of a ramble– I’ve just been thinking about food politics a lot lately, and was hoping it would come up in The Piglet.)
That was really interesting. I’m an engineer, so I personally enjoy applying the scientific method to things; however, I have no patience at all for claims that it’s the only valid form of knowledge, and that doing things “scientifically” is inherently superior to everything else.
Also, I did like this line:
“I am slightly suspicious of people who call themselves “nerds,” because the implicit suggestion is that they’re so outwardly fabulous that you’d never have guessed that they’re also quite brilliant.”
Additionally, it does seem to correlate with unpleasantness, because it’s also akin to calling yourself an “underdog”, so you’re obviously the good guy, and you can be as snide as you like about everybody else.
Yeah, I’m also an engineer, and for a long time I did like when things took a “scientific” approach, but the longer I looked at it, the less impressed I was: for the political reasons I mentioned above, and for the fact that something like cooking has so, so many uncontrolled variables that so-called “scientifically proven” recipes fail just as often as the traditional ones– there’s no substitute for experience. So not only do a lot of these “science-food” things (Lopez-Alt, but also Cook’s Illustrated and many others) often claim to be the “only valid form of knowledge,” as you correctly put it, they’re also just… not good. Adding injury to insult, etc.
Yeah the nerd line was what initially got me on board with the review. I was like yes, yes, this is why I find that tone so off-putting!
ETA: as I re-read it, the more I realize every point I want to make has been made more eloquently by Lauren Collins. Seriously, brava on this review.
Yeah, the scientific approach is a lot more useful if you’re trying to achieve something that you can objectively measure. Which is a bit difficult if you’re going for “food that tastes good”. So they end up spending a lot of effort trying to optimize things that can be more easily compared, and just assume that those things do correlate with the food being “good”.
Yes, like the CI totally objective blind taste test that crowned some random ketchup “the best,” even though for most people I know, ketchup has to taste like it did when you were a kid. So for me, Heintz tastes like ketchup and nothing else does. For others, it’s Hunts or whatever. Optimum balance of sweet-vinegary-spicy don’t enter into it.
I really like the science-y approach to cooking in general (I grew up learning from Cook’s Illustrated and Good Eats), but I completely agree with the criticisms in that review. A lot of those recipes are really solid, but so are a lot of the non-dude-bro “unscientific” recipes that are out there (Smitten Kitchen, anyone?). The science-bro approach often seems kind of joyless, and it often seems so disconnected from the way most skilled home cooks actually cook. It promotes these One True Ways to cook, which discourages people from experimenting on their own.
Actually, I think one of the reasons I appreciate those science-y sort of recipes is that they’re usually accompanied by documentation of their development process, so I if I question the wisdom of an ingredient or process–Kenji, for instance, loves putting soy sauce, miso, and Vegemite “umami bombs” in all kinds of unnecessary places–I can see what their justification was and then skip it if I disagree with it. So I inherently reject the monolith of a single perfect iteration of a recipe and end up making my own version.
Yeah, I also love the sciencey approach, and I feel it’s made me a better cook, but sometimes it gets out of control and yes, joyless. There was a recent CI recipe for like, a perfect charcoal seared steak that required you to bake the steak in a low oven for like two hours and then sear it on a chimney starter full of charcoal for two minutes (why yes it was based on an AB recipe…). Reading about the 8 page meatloaf recipe made me feel as tired and exasperated as I did when reading that steak recipe. Cooking meat on a grill is supposed to be fun, usually a communal activity with friends and beer! Meatloaf is homey and comforting! Ugh nerdbros just, like, let me cook!
I quite like reading The Food Lab when it’s an article about something that I’ve sought out more info on. Like, when I was wondering if there were a better way to hard-boil eggs and Google led me to Serious Eats, I very much enjoyed reading about massive amounts of test egg-boiling and the reasons why some things worked better. But I’ve never had any desire to read Serious Eats regularly. It only works for me as a reference. And I think you’re right about why, it feels very dismissive to get such over-detailed advice on something I wasn’t actually seeking advice for.
I’m not at all familiar with Lopez-Alt (other than having heard the name before) but reading that review makes me think cooking out of that book would be tiresome. I guess I just don’t care that much.
He is an alumnus of CI/ America’s Test Kitchen.
late to reply to this, but didn’t have time to read it before now. thanks so much for this link! i haven’t read anything quite so articulate on this point, but i really appreciate it.
i’m not familiar with lopez-alt and while i like technical info about some aspects of cooking, as a lifelong cook i’ve come to understand it as an intuitive art more than anything else. i love reading up on experienced chef’s styles or favorite preps, but i’ve learned more by finding the common threads in food prep and adapting them for myself rather than some special way to cover meatloaf with foil that is supposedly better or right. i use recipes as general guides. i tend to ditch things that have narrow margins for success. it might sound lazy, but while a great outcome is the goal, the process and journey are just as much part of why i cook at all.
in the end, i kinda feel bad about the first indian book, and what sounds like some failings at editing and oversight. i tend to really like cookbooks that are a showing of a person’s experience, and it sounds disappointing that some details didn’t come together to make this book work for users.
I know it’s late in the day but does anyone have any favourite CHOCOLATE CAKE recipes? __My partner’s birthday is next weekend and I want to make the most deliciousest cake. Earlier someone posted a lovely looking red wine chocolate cake recipe, but it specifically said the alcohol does not cook off so no, this cake must also be child-appropriate. So probably no nuts either. I’m ok with a certain level of difficulty though!_
Here’s my favourite: http://www.weeklycake.com/week-1-chocolate-bacon-…
It’s chocolate bacon cake (which is not as weird as it sounds) but you can leave out the bacon and it is still deliciously fudgy. I usually make it with maple buttercream, but mocha frosting is also excellent.
Have you tried it without the bacon? Although I almost wish I was willing to cook bacon as my girlfriend does eat meat and that would be a nice treat. Alas, I will not.
Yes, it’s fine without bacon. 🙂
I don’t cook. But I have noticed that all chocolate baked goods that include a little coffee mixed in seem to have an extra chocolaty flavor dimension. Try replacing some of your liquid with Kahlua or coffee.
Texas sheet cake. http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/the_best_choco… AMAZING.
Try Minimalist Baker: http://minimalistbaker.com/one-bowl-vegan-chocola…
My favorite, insanely easy and delicious:
Chocolate Chip Pound Cake
1 package white or yellow cake mix
2 boxes instant chocolate pudding mix
1 ½ cup water
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs
1 package chocolate chips
Mix all ingredients. Bake in a greased bundt pan at 350 for 1 hour.
That’s it. It’s awesome. The hardest part is greasing the pan, as it sometimes sticks, so shortening and flour is best (but I usually just do a ton of Pam and hope it works out).
Molly Wizenberg’s Winning Hearts and Minds cake is awesome. I couldn’t find it on the orangette site just now, though I think it’s there, but it’s definitely in A Homemade Life. She recommends freezing; I made two of them for my mom’s 80th birthday, they fit beautifully all frozenly wrapped up in my biggest cooky tin and defrosted their way across the country and were a big hit when it was time to serve. It’s basically chocolate, eggs, butter and a tiny bit of flour.
This is, to me, the absolute platonic ideal of what a chocolate cake should be. It’s a bit of a pain compared to what I usually cook (I tend toward one-bowl recipes and everyday unfrosted cakes), but so, so good.
This, my friend, looks like the one I shall try!
Just to warn you, this is the cake that people initially applaud, and then fail to finish their slices because it is too rich. But totally still worth it.
You probably decided already, but even though I am a fancy baking hobbyist my go-to chocolate cake is this vegan, Depression-cookery, one-bowl (or pan) cake. (I make it in a bowl and bake it in layers, but you can just make it in the pan.) It’s soft and moist and chocolately and the ideal American-style cake. Mmm, cake.
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/member/views/au…
Now it’s extra extra late in the day and you may have already chosen but when people ask for chocolate cake recipes I need to vouch for this one: http://www.food.com/recipe/the-only-chocolate-cak…
I haven’t made the icing, always just the cake recipe and added whichever icing I wanted at the time. I love this one because it is so chocolatey and tastes amazing but it’s also really straightforward (no butter creaming needed or anything). This is probably the lowest effort cake I’ve ever made, but it’s got by far the best response. It only uses cocoa and coffee as its chocolate flavour so I was wary it’d be a bit meh the first time I made it, but it ends up a lot richer and more chocolatey than the ones I made using various melted chocolate/cocoa combos.
For toppings I’ve made a mocha buttercream a few times, a vanilla-cream cheese style to cut the richness once, a chocolate buttercream that I then poured chocolate ganache over (surprisingly easy to make), and you could also do chocolate covered strawberries on top of it, or go down a peanut butter frosting route and decorate with peanut butter cups (my next plan).
My partner’s birthday is next week, and I have spent the last couple of months conspiring with his sister and a luthier in the US to get him a travel dulcimer, AND IT ARRIVED TODAY. We’ve been having a shit week (benefits claim, don’t ask) so I decided we needed to be cheered up. Off he went to the delivery depot on his bike to collect the mystery parcel. With occasional breaks for going to the local music shop to find it a case, helping me shower, and after some reminding, food, he has pretty much not stopped playing it all day. Here are some basic photos taken with my phone in bad light, and more will be organised tomorrow. It’s a Pete Staehling Sparrow in cherry, sinker cypress and maple, tuned to GDGG, and it’s also shown next to his main dulcimer, a Ron Ewing aorell in walnut, cedar and mahogany in the standard DADD. It is chromatic. It is the darlingest little thing, and he keeps thanking me for it and kissing me, and we both keep emitting happy cries of “dulcimer!”
The cat, on the other hand, is less impressed. When it first arrived, with R all sweaty from the bike ride, and with both of us dead excited, she emerged from her radiator nest and rolled around seductively on the rug a few times. Then something in our scent or body language must have upset her, because Pete swears he didn’t get a horde of cats to rub themselves over the box. So she spent the next couple of hours making periodic attacks on my feet, having evidently decided they were a threat to the nation. A couple of times I lifted my leg up and the cat remained attached to the underside of my foot. Thank goodness I wear two thick pairs of socks. She’s got over it now, and is curled up in her hammock at the top of her ceiling height cat tree.
Pretty! Good gifting, you.
Wow, just — wow. That is AMAZING. Dulcimer!
WOW. That is so gorgeous.
Very cool!!
You’re making me cry with how lovely and thoughtful this is! I’m glad you made your partner so happy!
Aww, bless you! I had a whale of a time planning it. R had already messaged the luthier a while back, so we knew which model he wanted, higher fretboard so it’d take a capo and so forth, but there was still plenty to work out. The woods, for instance, as I wanted to avoid tropical hardwoods. I kept asking sneaky questions and measuring dulcimers and such in secret, and wasn’t rumbled at all. He’d nearly finished one instrument when R remarked one evening, “You know, I think I’d like my next dulcimer to be chromatic.” So that dulcimer got put in the Etsy shop as Pete was fine starting a new one!
We don’t play together much yet, despite being together for coming up to three years, but we both love music and have learned a lot about it together.
His sister did most of the paying, incidentally, since I’d already bought him a smartphone as an early birthday present, but I did the plotting side of it. She’s a sweetheart.
The first recording has been made! It’s a fairly simple Black Sabbath song, he’s still getting the hang of chords on the chromatic fretting, and also figuring out where to put the mic. https://soundcloud.com/dulcimerjohnson/wooden-man
so gorgeous! waaaaaant!
Dulcimers are pretty easy to get hold of, you know, and relatively cheap. Especially in the US, since they’re a traditional American folk instrument. There are some nice dulcimer forums around, and I think the vast majority of players are self-taught. Our local music shop started doing a roaring trade in dulcimers after R took up busking with his. If you’re in the UK and want something other than the cheapie one that’s around, we can recommend Revels Music for second-hand dulcimers (that’s where his lovely Ewing is from), plus there’s a place selling McSpaddens and one or two other good makes.
Ahhhh, this warms my heart so greatly!
Toasties! I had my first meeting with a new therapist on Monday and I think it went okay? IDK, it’s hard to get past the feeling like my issues aren’t big enough to bother anyone with. My last therapist was this quite elderly Freudian who retired years ago and that…wasn’t a good match for me between feeling anxious because I hardly ever remember my dreams and she kept asking about them and the fact that she was p. old fashioned on certain things like casual sex.
My friend who Berniebroed out on me sort of patched things up I guess? I was the one who reached out (to say that I supposed several weeks of the silent treatment and being blocked on Twitter was my answer about the future). He posts a fair amount of anti-cat stuff on Twitter (like medieval pictures of dogs killing cats and things about how cats are evil) and I mentioned once that it seemed really pointed. He’d recently RTed Freddie deBoer stuff (UGH), which I commented on, so I guess he blocked me because he felt like I was policing him and, “I’ll say what I want.”
Fair cop on deBoer, I guess? But the cat stuff is just kind of cruel. And I was like, “Tell me you posted an equal amount of that before you knew me,” and he was like “No but I have this friend who tweets me pics of her cats and then I tweet back medieval cat killing paintings or w/e.” To me it’s different because he actually, physically harmed one of my cats A COUPLE TIMES back when we were dating so it’s not purely in the land of “ha ha hyperbole.” And, no, he didn’t mean to hurt the cat but he’s chased them enough that they both are scared of/dislike him, so a couple times when he was making the bed in the morning after I’d left and his booted feet were under the dust ruffle slightly the one cat would slash at him and ended up breaking a claw all the way off. The wound got infected, which required a vet visit and antibiotics and money. My friend always seemed really unapologetic about that and he does claim he has a phobia that he’d at least mentioned in therapy but from what I could tell he wasn’t really working to overcome it. So basically his response to me being upset at how he treated my cats was that I was being insensitive about his phobia AND he guessed he wasn’t going to make the bed anymore.
So
Uh
Great, good solution
😐
Happy stuff is that I started a water aerobics class at my local public pool and I’m really enjoying it! I like the variety of people and ages and I always enjoy being in the water. My crappy knees enjoy the low impact. 😀
Do you get anything good out of friendship with this dude?
In most areas we are pretty sympatico! He’s got good feminist and social justice instincts overall but (to me) has become weirdly rigid WRT Democratic politics this election.
The cat thing is by far my least favorite thing because he’s so intractable and I’m like: how about just ignoring them vs. scaring them, but he’s gotten frustrated at me about that because “you can’t help a phobia” and I guess his fear reaction is to lash out? I don’t know because I don’t think I’m afraid of anything on the same level.
Uhhhh…. this guy sounds like Bad News, because while nobody can help what they FEEL everyone is actually in charge of their own behaviour. Nobody is incapable of tweeting things!
Or chasing cats around until they attack! That is also, to my knowledge, not behavior of someone with a phobia, but rather behavior intended to harm and bully.
If I am reading this correctly, the injuries to your cats happened when you had already left your home. So you only have his word that the injuries were accidental and not the result of his deliberate abuse.
Given that he repeatedly chased your cats until they were scared of him (who does that?), showed no remorse over the subsequent injuries, and posts horrifying anticat images on Twitter, you may wish to reconsider how much you trust his word on that.
Anyone who treated my pets like that would, at the very minimum, be banned from my house for life.
Good reason to chase a cat: when the cat is merrily leaping about the flat like its tail is on fire, kittenishly pelting back and forth, occasionally coming up to you and doing the “chase me!” invitation, and generally is initiating the whole thing and very happy about it. Batting toys about may be involved as well, and the overall feeling is one of joy (along with “oh come on, now you want to play? We were going to bed!”) Anyone who spends five minutes observing cats can tell the difference between this and chasing them to upset them.
This was my first thought too. The whole story about the boots does not add up based on my experiences. I had kittens/cats in my Peak Goth days and she never injured herself when trying to attack my boots.
The only way this sounds plausible is if his boots had steel toes. Even in that scenario, the cat would have to be very angry and forceful to end up with an injury like that when attacking an unmoving boot. It would still be his fault for his making the cats feel that distressful and threatened.
I’m sorry to break this you but he’s feminist and social justice instincts don’t sound good to me. He may be good at talking like they are but his actions speak volumes.
You know what people with sound social justice instincts care about? Communication, not harassing people, and not making people feel threatened over things that are personal choices that are none of his business. Tweeting upsetting pictures in response to his friends owning cats IS harassing and upsetting.
I know that some people who have phobias lash out in response, but his behaviour sounds like way more than that.
Harming pets/animals is the biggest, brightest red flag in the entire goddamn world. There is nothing he could possibly be bringing to the friendship that makes him worth it. Drop him like the toxic waste he is.
He hurt your cats? Set him on fire. Unacceptable.
Seriously, people who harm animals? Absolutely not. This is not someone you need to know.
I have friends with dog phobias. They do not seek out or attack dogs. They avoid dogs and have to deal with anxiety if they do run into them. This guy sounds terrifying. I’ve known men who threaten animals and they have all been domestic abusers, which is the usual pattern. Run.
You’re better off without this guy in your life.
You said yourself that he’s tweeting those medieval pictures in response to friends who tweet pictures of their cats. That’s not a funny joke, that’s deliberately trying to upset people he’s supposed to be kind to.
He’s put your cats in danger. It doesn’t matter if he has a phobia. The rest of the story makes it sound like it’s not just that and that he’s looking for a way to get a pass and make YOU feel guilty for being upset.
A friend who genuinely cares about you and your friendship isn’t going to block you and cut you off their life so fast. He sounds emotionally immature and willing to let go over your friendship.
I understand that there are good things about him and that you have a history. I don’t want to be harsh, but the good things about him and the good times you’ve had don’t make up for the bad when they’re this bad. Move on from your friendship. There are people who have all the same good things you see in him who won’t endanger your pets or drop you for disagreeing.
Any bar/restaurant recommendations in New Orleans where a lady might eat alone on a weekend evening? Thinking a jolly rowdy casual set up, perhaps with bar seating?
Toasts! I went to Florida last weekend to visit a friend! And it was beautifully, deliciously warm and not too humid, and everything was SO GREEN, and we had a day at the beach (we went to one that wasn’t full of spring breakers, go us) and splashed around in the water and watched people kiteboarding. And we had excellent Thai food with another mutual friend, and saw a ton of wildlife, including an iguana and an alligator (from a safe distance, fortunately).
I caught a cold a couple of days later, probably from someone on the plane or in one of the airports on the way home, but still? WORTH IT. I 100% get the appeal of vacationing in Florida now.
Oh, and we went to a botanical garden and gawked at lots and lots of orchids in bloom, and now I want to try keeping orchids alive in my apartment. Anyone know who in New York will sell me a potted orchid that doesn’t cost the earth?
You can buy loads of inexpensive orchids online; I used to use Andy’s Orchids. Get a phalaenopsis to start wtih, hard to kill easy to get to bloom. Get fancier varieties as you learn and practice (and grow, har har).
Ooooh, lovely. Two of my dearest friends, who are the most amazing ride-or-die forever bitches ever and I miss them sooooo much, both live in Miami, and I am visiting them in October for TarotCon and I am super excited. I am so happy you enjoyed yourself.
Which botanical garden did you hit?
I’m still dealing with some epic level burn out. This week I’m only working 46 of my 37 hours.
My bosses don’t care. I can’t help my burned out co-workers because I’m burnt out, my boss suggested some super unethical and probably illegal use of student data in the library during our last staff meeting. Some highlights:
“No one wants to see citations to things they can’t get immediately.”
“We don’t need to secure the stacks.”
“I learned that some journals are only accessed by faculty”
“Lets look at the students who do well on their senior theses, and then see how often they visit and what they check out. Let’s publish their grades for those papers.””
“In my grad program, I haven’t taken one class from a professor who was an american, who’s my role model? I mean, there’s like 2 canadians…but they don’t count.”
I am officially looking for a new job in the region and simultaneously plotting my rise to power, because its not like I could be any worse.
Wooow, that must have been a hellish staff meeting. I hope you can seize power soon.
It’ll probably be on a 1-2 year time frame at least. I don’t know when my boss plans on retiring. 3-4 in the case of grand boss if he doesn’t get accused of creating a hostile work environment before then.
Uh . . . citations . . . are not for things that you need right . . . yeah, we’ll leave that one where it is. Also let’s publish student grades????? How is that not a superhuge violation of pretty much all the campus privacy laws? Good luck to you, this sounds like a horrible, horrible meeting.
Yeah, privacy violations were brought up, as was federal law, as was the code of ethics and the search habits of faculty, seniors, and overachievers.
wow. Not only is your boss talking major privacy violations, but even if there were no legal repercussions, publishing that sort of info would just gross out all of your users. Who wants to go to a library where they do that?! Wowowow. I send all my moral support to your takeover of the library on the shortest time frame possible.
[And aren’t faculty one of the major audiences of the library, alongside students?? Is it not a research library? Oy vey.]
Im planning a driving/camping/hiking trip in California around and north of San Francisco. Do any of you lovely people have recommendations for a) good places to camp that don’t fill up the second reservations open or b) hiking trails, any difficulty, but day hike-able?
I have zero camping recommendations, but Petaluma is lovely. In general, it is hard to go wrong in NoCal. Enjoy yourself!!
MacKerricher State Park in Cleone, both for the camping and the hiking. My favoritest place on Earth.
If you’re up for something that’s half way between camping and staying at a lodge, the West Point Inn is supposed to be amazing. http://www.westpointinn.com/
I’m late on this, but Point Reyes is beautiful if you’re looking to walk by the beach, and there are campsites pretty close to the trailhead, as I recall. I’m afraid I don’t remember how quickly they fill up.
Also, I don’t know how much time you have or how much driving you feel like doing, but Yosemite has been special to me since childhood, so I’d be remiss not to at least mention it.
Toasties, I just accepted the freelance proofing gig that I mentioned last week! The good news is, they’re willing to pay me the high end of my rate…the bad news is, it’s because they want a super fucking fast turnaround time. I’m fast, but I also have a day job! And will have family staying with me! And other commitments!
I just keep telling myself to think calming thoughts, and also think of the money. *stresses*
You know, in the future it’s fair to add a rush fee on projects like that. Like if you say “I can have that to you in a week” and they say “how about two days instead?” you can ask for a 20-50% fee. The one time I tacked a 50% rush fee onto a proposal the guy said yes without blinking.
Ok, so my tentative self-diagnosis of ADD has been helping me so far, in that if I frame my work problems as a neurological thing, rather than a failure of will, it’s way easier for me to relax enough to be methodical. But damn, I’m fucking exhausted from focusing all the time. I have, like, 15% focus when I get home, because I’ve used it all up at work. Only a week until I can talk to a medical professional and see if this is something I can handle with drugs and therapy!
Also, there was a mockingbird (?) doing its thing outside my window last night. The only nocturnal songbird I knew about was the nightingale, but then I discovered those are not naturally found in North America. So, probably a mockingbird. Almost as good. And I think my boss made a To Kill a Mockingbird joke, which I didn’t get until I got home.
“a neurological thing, rather than a failure of will” – this is so important when facing challenges imposed by ill health. Getting into a cycle of tearing down your own self-worth because of perceived failure rather than acknowledging effort in the face of limitation has been critical for me. It’s still a work in process, but, really, really important.
I hope you get some relief soon. It’s a lot to struggle with. It is outright painful and depressing to use so much of your wellness and focus on just surviving.
Be well.
I said YES to doing something yesterday that was going to be in the near future, and then I changed my mind and said NO today! I let someone down. I’m sure they are slightly disappointed. But I don’t think they feel even a 5% as bad as I would be feeling if I went through with it. Feminist Etiquette in Action.
/highfive
Are there any Toasties that feel like sharing first-time-on-antidepressants stories? After some very stern-but-loving admonitions from my therapist and the gentlest of nudges from a good friend, I have an appointment with a general practitioner on Monday to try and get meds.
I have so much hope that it will help, but I am also terrified – not only because I’ve never done this before and am kinda scared it won’t work and I’ll keep mildly wishing I didn’t exist; but also because I moved to my area semi-recently and don’t have a regular doc, so this is a brand-new person to whom I will have to explain EVERYTHING including all the badfeels which I keep thinking are maybe Not Serious Enough, actual seriousness notwithstanding.
Any and all “been there before” stories would be greatly appreciated.
Been there. I was so anxious in advance of having to explain everything to the doc. So I wrote it aaaaall down. Just a big ol’ brain dump.
Then I did what I do best. I edited it. Over and over. As if it were someone else’s writing. Editing is soothing for me. I got it down to 3 or 4 short sentences. Then I put them in order of importance. In case I broke down crying before finishing it. I put those sentences on a piece of paper. I held that paper in my hand from the time I parked my car to the time I was facing the doc. That paper was reassuring.
When the nurse took me into the exam room and gave me the exam gown, I gave it back to her and said I wanted only to talk with the doc. She was gently encouraging of getting out of my clothes and I teared up. She backed off and left to, apparently, tell the doc I was upset.
When the doc came in I was able to say, “I wish to be screened for depression.” He asked me those routine screening questions and told me I hit 9 of 10 indicators. Then he wanted details and I … couldn’t. So I handed him the paper that was still in my hand. It started with a statement about years of suicidal ideation.
There was nothing more required of me from that point on. I was shepherded through the rest of the exam, everything made easy for me. Doc and nurses asked questions and were quick to say take your time and that I did not have to answer at all. They shifted questions to yes-no format so I could just nod.
Doc started me on the most commonly helpful med and it worked after 6 weeks. But he and I were prepared to try one after another, giving each a couple months.
Please don’t be scared the meds won’t work. If the first doesn’t work, it’s not terrifying. It’s just more of the same feelings you have survived so far.
If you feel you cannot go on if you don’t get relief very soon, you can be hospitalized and given stronger meds while under observation. Please don’t let fear keep you from getting help.
Mostly, please don’t stop existing. You can survive this, pennyposh. You’re going to feel better. I promise. ::Toasthugs::
^This is beautiful and kind advice. I am so glad you got help and are doing better.
My psychiatrist recommended them and every GP I’ve had since has never made an issue of it. I’ve moved a few times and with each GP I say “I need X”, he says “for what”, I say “depression”, and he’s just given it to me. They usually ask a few questions, making sure I’m not planning to hurt myself or suffering side effects, but that’s all. You’re doing what you need to do, pennyposh, you’ll be okay (hug).
Thank you both so, so much. That really helps. Writing it down is a great idea – I just might do that.
It was a huge relief to describe how I’ve been feeling to my therapist and hear her say, “Yep, that feeling you have? It’s called depression.” Mostly because I’d suspected that was the case for a long, LONG time but had been doing to internal tug-o’-war between “This is probably depression” and “Stop being such a baby, you’re just a little sad, bootstraps bootstraps bootstraps.” So having a professional’s opinion to back me up feels like a good start. And I suspect she will be outraged on my behalf if this doctor, for whatever reason, does decide it’s not serious enough and refuses to prescribe anything. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of, really. Which is probably a silly fear.
Big internet hugs back. You folks are wonderful.
It is very unlikely that a doctor won’t think this is serious enough, and if this doctor does, get the crap out and go to someone else (easier said than done, I know). *hug*
My husband went on Prozac five years ago after answering the generic depression questions; likely similar to what RoseCamelia answered. He walked out with a prescription, we gave it six weeks, and he started feeling better in two. He was almost three years into dysthymia at that point, and I can’t even tell you how beautiful and relieving it was to see him come back to life again. I am so happy that you are getting the help you need for this, and I hope this doctor is kind to you.
(That said, it is common to need about six weeks to see if a drug is working. My husband kept a really simple, one line mood journal, just to give himself a concrete way of tracking whether or not the medication was effective. If you have a negative reaction, don’t hesitate to ask for another drug. Everyone’s body is different, and responds differently–you haven’t done anything wrong if it takes a couple of tries to figure out what your body needs. If it helps? Think of depression medication as eyeglasses for your brain–sometimes our brains just need some help seeing better, too.)
Eyeglasses for your brain. That is perfect.
The mood journal is also a great idea, thank you for that. Probably a much better idea than counting on my lying liar of a brain to remember how I’ve been feeling and if things are getting better 🙂
I’ll admit, I had to google “dysthymia” to find out what it was… and wow, was that an eye-opener. Like… uh, that’s *not* normal? That’s not just how everyone feels, all the time?
Because, like, um… But are you sure? Oh. Well. That’s news.
So I know everyone is different and reacts to meds differently, but I cannot recommend lexapro enough. I’ve been on antidepressants before, and had the usual crappy side-effects like sleeping too much, loss of libido, weight gain, etc. A few friends recommended lexapro, and it’s been a godsend. The best thing is that it’s effective in about three days, and I just feel like myself again. The other day I felt happy and content, and it blew my mind. It was crazy that I was just happy for no reason. I hadn’t felt that in so long.
I’ve moved around a few times as well. In my experience doctors are pretty down to prescribe what you ask for, especially when it comes to mental health. I agree with preparing some points before-hand along with doing some research about what you might want.
Depression has a way of preserving itself, and it’s often by talking you out of getting help. It’s happened this way to me several times. It sounds like you’re taking care of yourself, and just remember that you’re worth it. You really really don’t have to live with depression. Good luck, and I hope you find something that works well for you!
I had my first dream about The Toast a few nights ago. After receiving a ride from my dad in his government-issued UFO, which he can have because he works in the HR department, I arrived at my great uncle’s funeral shortly after buying a sandwich in his memory.
His funeral was being held in this gross old cabin that I had to spend the night in. I looked around, and there was this BIG GROTIE MOTH on the wall and it was freaking me out, and I tried to get my dad to let me sleep somewhere else. But then I saw another moth at the window which was sitting in the web it had spun (moths gain the ability to spin webs after 100 kills).
As I was contemplating this moth, Nicole materialized with an upright bass and her jazz combo and she played a lick the likes of which had never been heard before in jazz history. Then Mallory appeared and began to do an interpretive dance with the song. She started prancing around and flapping her arms in homage to the moths in the room. Then my alarm went off.
Thank you, The Toast.
Hi! I complained horribly last week.
This week I got things done I didn’t want to do, but I was very grown up, and made a lot of phone calls.
Also, I found out I do NOT have cancer, (which I didn’t realize was bothering me so badly until I cried at the negative result of my biopsy). I just have some messed up hormones, which are totally not deadly.
Hooray for no cancer!!!! That must be such a palpable relief!
I think fear of cancer absolutely means you get to complain as much as you need to and nobody can tell you otherwise! I am very glad you don’t have cancer, but sorry about messed up hormones, since those are no fun either.
Huzzah! After A Very Long Day in which I interviewed with seven people (consecutively) and had two not-an-interview-but-still-on-good-behavior meals, the hiring manager said she’d like to make me an offer. But it was 11 at night and we had finished a bottle of wine, so we’ll talk details on Monday morning.
I might have a job, which will take so much edge off this impending move.
Allelu.
So happy for you, ‘bug. Not the least bit surprised. You’ve always been a star.
OH I am MAD.
Toasties, go read the NYTimes long form article on ISIS sex slaves. Go on, I’ll be right here.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/13/world/middleeas…
Can we talk about how many fucking times the fucking author uses the word “owners”??? Not captors, not enslavers, owners. Like it’s not unreasonable at all.
I had to post to my FB page AND here because…well, this article makes me very angry, but that the nytimes didn’t scrub the word “owner” from the article makes me angriest of all.
And OF COURSE no comments are allowed on this article.
Toastie letter to the editor campaign?
Now there are comments allowed, but it’s been 6 hours and mine hasn’t shown up yet. And only ONE other person has commented on the use of the word.
The title pissed me off to begin with, like the issue was that they were having birth control forced on them against their will instead of, you know, extra rape.
@Maryaed: But that is the issue. That’s the lead. That’s how newspaper journalism works – the lead has to be something new. We already know that ISIS has sex slaves; the birth control angle is the part of the story that we haven’t seen before, so it makes sense to have it as the lead.
@LaxMom: I read the article, and I don’t see anything wrong with it at all. Yes, the writer uses the word “owner” a handful of times, but she also uses words like “victim,” “abuser,” “attacker,” and “captive.” In the context of the article – which is very clearly designed to show the horrors that the ISIS sex slaves endure – I assume that the word “owner” was used to show that the women are literally slaves, bought and sold. It also appears when the writer is paraphrasing the women she interviewed; presumably it’s the word that corresponds most closely to the word they used.
In any case, there’s no reason at all to think that the NYT supports ISIS’s practice of enslaving women. So even if that word choice was a mistake, it’s not a particularly meaningful or harmful mistake. And I would argue that it’s of much less overall importance than the general content of the article. It would be a pity to dismiss a piece of journalism that illuminates such an important subject, that’s based on the testimony of over three dozen women who have escaped ISIS, just because you don’t like a word choice the writer made.
Yes, but the emphasis was wrong. The crime was not the insistence on birth control. They could have written the headline to make clear that ISIS was using birth control as a novel part of their organized rape strategy, not perpetrating a new, separate indignity.
I just need to say that someone with more knowledge of literature needs to comment how American politics today is like lord of the flies. I’m watching the 1960s movie on TCM and I’m overwhelmed how relevant it is and I’m a biology person!
I’m more in the “this is what it looked like when Rome fell” camp, but I’m open to hearing about how it’s really like lord of the flies.
I know this response is super late, but… since he's open to sci-fi, I'm throwing out the two short story collections that first got me into the genre:
1. Axiomatic, by Greg Egan (SO GOOD, also engages with philosophical concepts of free will, identity, the self, etc.)
2. I, Robot, by Isaac Asimov (since he's a law student, he might find the conflict between different logical imperatives interesting)