Two Orthodox Monks Invent Byzantine Art -The Toast

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This Classic Toast post originally ran on March 27, 2014.

MONK #1: hey how big are most eyes
MONK #2: like on the human face?
MONK #1: oh yes for sure the eyes people have on their faces
byz9 MONK #2: oh man
at least half the size of the face
it’s actually crazy how much of your face is just eyes
byz1 definitely at least half
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: no problem


MONK #1: hey has anyone ever smiled do you think
MONK #2: no
MONK #1: no i mean like
just once even
byz4 MONK #2: no
MONK #1: but what about —
MONK #2: nosmile


MONK #1: what did Jesus look like
MONK #2: oh that’s a really good question
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: he had the longest face in the world
MONK #1: really
MONK #2: oh yes his face was so long he could see the sunrise while his mouth was still asleep
byz10 MONK #1: wow
MONK #2: and tiny little shrimp eyes
mouth so small he actually couldn’t talk
he could only whistle
MONK #1: no kidding
MONK #2: yeah they called him Whistlin’ Jesus
so the longest face in the world but then also stretched off a little to the right
byz8 like his one cheekbone just got yanked out a little bit
MONK #1: okay hang on let me write this down
MONK #2: and the other thing is that he always looked just absolutely furious
or else like his face was a candle and it was melting towards the floor just a little bit
those were probably the two major ways that he looked ever
byz6 MONK #2: oh and all of his fingers were broken
so they just folded into crazy positions all the time


MONK #1: what did Jesus look like as a baby
with his mother
MONK #2: VERY upset
and surrounded by people wearing gold

MONK #1: really
MONK #2: yeah but he’s really upset about it
so he’s sort of pushing them away with his hands
byz3 MONK #2: the important thing to remember if you’re drawing Mary
is that her whole eyes and face line up in a perfect T surrounded by empty space
and Jesus is just furious with her
MONK #1: what do people look like when they’re just with their friends
sort of relaxing and normal, outside together
MONK #2: they stand in a straight line and look straight ahead of them
nobody makes eye contact
and they all point at something different
byz7 MONK #1: right right
and people can’t bend at the waist right
MONK #2: right nobody can bend at the waist ever
that’s never happened

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