Toasties!
April is the gruelest month (yeah, that sleep-deprived). Oatmeal and mother’s tears and sweetened condensed milk and walnuts is the breakfast of choice for all bartenders this week. Is it sunny where you are? NYC Toasties with cars, what do you do? Where do you go????? Open-thread!!!
NICOLE HERE! MY PIECE ABOUT THE ROMANOVS WENT UP AT THE GUARDIAN ON MARCH 31st AND I DID NOT NOTICE SO PLEASE READ IT AND SHARE IT ON ALL FORMS OF SOCIAL MEDIA RIGHT NOW
Hello, Toastfriendpersons! Today I am generally in a pretty good mood! Also a very silly one. It’s becoming something of a problem. It all started when I woke up in the morning and my brain started singing “Friday I’m in Love” at me, but changed it to “Friday I’m Covered in Bees” for some inexplicable reason. Now I will go make myself sad by reading about Romanovs instead, oh well, oh well.
This week I started learning steno, because I am perverse! A good friend of mine works with the Open Steno Project, aimed at bringing 200 word per minute typing to the masses with free software and cheap hardware. (They’re currently crowdfunding the first in a suite of steno video games!) I’ve been surprised at how quickly I’m picking it up; it’s been a week and it already doesn’t seem weird to think of “the quick brown fox” as -T KWEUBG PWROUPB TPOBGS. On my good days I can already manage 5 WPM! Just 195 more to go! (I keep telling my friend she needs to pitch an article about stenography to the Toast, because I bet there are people here who would be interested in the intersection of accessibility and geekiness which steno embodies.) I did not write this post with steno, because if I’d tried I wouldn’t be done until there were eight pages of comments already, but here, the rest of this comment, starting with “here”, was written in steno. (Eventually.)
I am in a good mood, too! CELEBRATE!
Can I post a video as a response to that? Apparently not. You will have to actually click a thing, alas. https://www.youtube.com/embed/roRQ2mNwMMQ
This week I am in a good mood because of the best webcomic and its shameless shipping, OMG Check Please! An itemized list of the best things:
1. I just want them to be happy forever!!! Bittle’s smile! “Big smile, Zimboni! Shows on face! AAAAHH
2. TADPOLES!
3. Lardo’s undercut! Giving me life.
4. CHOWDER omg I just want to hug him so much.
Also the weather is finally nice, I rode my bike in short sleeves and short pants the other day and probably will continue to do so for several days in a row! I had TWO beers on two different patios this week!
I must correct you! The best webcomic is Octopus Pie, which also is shameless in its shipping and has been absolutely MURDER-KILLING IT lately on that front.
oh no, I guess I’ll just have to read it to find out!
SERIOUSLY good god Meredith making me cry laugh for two months solid now.
Good mood thread! I’m just heading out to the fifth shift of my new job and feeling goddamn fantastic about everything, even the two responsibilities I’m shirking because New Job Week and I want to make a good impression.
Also I have the house to myself this weekend which will be great for staying in a semi-fugue state and not talking to anyone ever and repotting all my plants and eating whatever the hell I want.
I’m so interested in stenography! I type ridiculously fast on a QWERTY keyboard, and I know that doesn’t necessarily translate to being good at steno, but occasionally when i’m fed up with my job I spend a few hours googling software and equipment 😉 it’s still something I’d consider doing, maybe later in life. Who knows. That project sounds so cool!
It’s not as big a time investment as you might fear! Though getting fast enough to keep up with human speech can take years, a committed novice can often get up to the 100-120 WPM range within 3-6 months. I’ve been doing it for a week, a few hours a day, and I’ve already learned 80% of the theory; now it’s just a matter of a) learning the non-phonetic briefs, b) internalizing, and c) getting faster.
I have been wanting to learn this for so long! You have given me the incentive to get started. Do you have dedicated hardware or are you learning on a regular keyboard?
With Plover, the software developed by the OSP, you can use any QWERTY keyboard that can support an arbitrary number of simultaneous keypresses. For now, I’m using the cheapest one on the market, a $40 Zalman. But a QWERTY keyboard is obviously not that well laid out for steno – the rows are staggered and at different heights. The stroke for “ink”, for example (*EUPBG), involves pressing the N and M keys with your thumb, the H key with your index finger, the I and K fingers with your middle finger, and the L key with your ring finger. That’s quite hard on this keyboard! So I’m definitely looking forward to the point where I’m good enough to justify buying a Stenoboard or similar. For now, I muddle through.
Thanks for the reply. That Stenoboard looks cool, and it’s open source! Our local public library recently got some 3D printers so maybe I’ll try to build one if I get far enough along to justify it.
Pleeeeease get her to pitch an article about stenography!
Seconded!
I recently picked up freelance transcription work and would love to know if stenography could help me work faster. Thank you so much for sharing your friend’s project!
I studied Gregg shorthand over a winter term at college. It was really neat, and it would be really useful in my current life as an office worker, but I haven’t kept up with it. I found the exercises in the available books eye-meltingly dull, since they were geared toward letters that a 30s office worker might have to write. (“The freight rate in L.A. is low today.” “Please tell Mr. Fox that Mr. Fred will not be attending the 3:00 meeting.”)
Good mood thread! I stood up for me and my sister, in a nice but firm ‘please could you check your records again’ way, and it all worked out marvellously. Hurrah for minor daily triumphs!
Cat thread?
I said “Hey, Julie Pie” and she gave me this look:
Toasties! We have (foster) cats! Please welcome Chester:
and Sunshine:
They moved in on Sunday, and went from cowering under the bed to sleeping with us in said bed in ~8 hours. Their likes include sleeping on either side of my legs, lying on our stomachs for scritches, and sitting in the window. Dislikes include the sound of the front door opening and…? That’s about it? They are maybe the two most chill cats I’ve ever met!
What sweet faces!
Ohhhh. Are they siblings? I love their faces!
Indeed they are!
I think Teekl is getting to be a bit of an old man because mostly he’s always asleep/sleepy:
Xtreme closeup:
haha, that extended paw looks like he’s ready for a dream-brawl though. POW! SWIPE! ZZZZZZ
To be fair, that is kind of his MO.
also my apologies for large photo, SarahDances replied before I got the resizing correct. (Note to self: photos will always appear huge on The Toast, resize first!)
You never have to apologize to me for large cat pictures.
I have no pictures of my own monsters, but here is Boudica.
The first rule of living with Fat Boo is that you do not pick up Fat Boo. (You also do not look directly at Fat Boo. Instead you incline your head slightly to acknowledge her presence and back away slowly.)
She looks appropriately regal.
Captain’s First Rule is also no picking up, but he reinforces this by squirting musk all over your arms if you do.
Foster kittens ahoy! They have grown much since last week and all three are now bouncing everywhere and eating everything in sight. Lexa’s eyes are still worrying me a bit, but the other two have totally cleared up and no one is sneezing anymore. The biggest challenge right now is teaching them to eat without covering themselves in food, because they are not very good at cleaning yet.
Everyone on lap at once!
Anya, being a real cat.
Lexa thinks she’s a parrot. (Plz ignore the fact that I look like I just woke up; it’s because I did.)
having kittens around is the best! love those little calicos.
AHHHHHHHH they are so cute I want them all so much. (Also your hair color is A++++)
Too cute!
Here’s Atticus sticking his face in front of a cute picture of Gertie.
Super-duper close up of cuddly Saffron!
J is gone this week and she only has me for cuddles and only after work, so she is extra cuddly lately. I am trying to soak it all up.
You can almost hear the purring! Beautiful kitty 🙂
Ah so many adorable kitties!
Here’s Tycho getting into a belly rub:
Clio is unimpressed by grammar “rules.”
However, she does still approve of bookshelves, as long as there is cat space.
And Calliope is collecting energy in her ears for some next Damn Cat escapade.
excellent specimens, everyone!
our baby of the house, manzanita-pants, is turning 1 this week. she started out as a very-scaredy-pants foster kitten and really turned around into a sweet cuddly kitty who loves to play fetch and tussle with her buddies. i’m going to send birthday emails to her sibling’s adopters today in hopes of getting back some sweet 1-year photos of the whole family.
I fell asleep on the sofa after work and woke up four hours later, so here are my belated kittens!! We have a new toy which is the best thing since sliced bread but so far all my photos are very blurry.
Hey everybody. Do you think it’s ok if I play too? I’ve ghosted on this site forever, but I want to start being a not-ghost instead because existing is cool I guess? I just need to share this picture of one of my cats because she is a total dirtbag. I’m not super clear on how to add a picture on my comment though, and I’m really rethinking this whole thing, so instead of chickening out could I get an assist please? I’m not usually this bad at internetting, I swear, I’m just pretty flustered.
They need to be online, photobucket is easy to work with. Then you do a link to the pic (not the page, so it has to end with .jpg) and put img tags round it – so {img src=”pic address here .jpg’} but with < > instead of { } .
If you use photobucket then they do it all for you and it’s just the ‘html’ thingy in the little list of boxes under the ‘share this photo’ menu on the right hand side of the page. That includes a link to the photo and also embeds it in the post. I’ve put a link to one of my pics (this year’s easter egg) on photobucket but the actual page, so click on that and you will see the options, you’d copy/paste the stuff in the html box.
http://s87.photobucket.com/user/Lebatihem/media/2…
I do not have a photo of the naked mr ptrackydactyl giving our cat a ride around the house in his bicycle basket this morning.
Following last week’s discussion of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders, I just have to share this exchange with someone:
Character B (cultural expert): The insub is killing and consuming part of the males, but keeping the females alive. Thus absorbing their strength and their property, which is a common warrior practice.
Character A (holder of the Idiot Ball): Property?
Character B: Historically, women were considered legal possessions that men could leverage for a variety of reasons.
Whenever Character B opens her mouth, I flash back to this gif:
I have a habit of saying “money can be exchanged for goods and services” whenever it is appropriate (hint: that’s a lot of times!) and by sheer repetition have taught the 5yo to say “money can be exchanged for goods and services” whenever he thinks it’s appropriate. He has no idea why it’s hilarious. He has no idea THAT it’s hilarious, but it is!
Parenting win, both for hilarity and for the fact that your 5yo has learned to repeat something that he won’t get in trouble at school for, probably. I hear that’s the real challenge.
It’s worse than I thought.
Is this a real show or an elaborate media prank?
It’s beautifully sunny here and I feel GOOD today (second day in a row)! and ahhhhhh! Also Congratulations, Nicole!
Everyone’s seen this Gwyneth Paltrow…thing, right? The perfume ad? What the fuck is going on here? My favorite reaction so far was from this person on Tumblr.
To follow the ridiculous with the sublime, I offer you some amazing tap dancing black women. Take a deep breath before you start the video. You might not get another one until it finishes.
Is anyone else going to the new Jungle Book movie? I’m a fan of Kipling’s books for kids (I know, I know, problematic! I still love them) and I’m excited that it looks like this movie might follow the actual story a little more closely than the first Disney one.
THE GWYNETH THING. There’s this bizarre ASTRONAUT HUSBAND fantasy cultural undercurrent that is every so often dipped into and it is amazing. It’s like the jewelry commercial equivalent of Marie from Breaking Bad pretending she’s an astronaut’s wife to realtors.
I agree there’s some sort of…I don’t even know what to call it…about astronauts. Like, they’re just a little more than human, somehow? Just by the fact that they are part of a very small, select community of humanity who have spent time in space and there’s just something magical about that, I think. There’s an astronaut who works at my university as an astrophysics professor and every time I go to an event where he’s speaking, there’s a constant undercurrent of “he’s been in space” awe surrounding him.
Astronauts = Canadian boyfriend of the monied class
Also this ad has revealed to me that I am extremely disdainful of the suggestion that the English have in fact put a man in space, as apparently my familiarity with the space program ends in 1969. Blindness and insight, eh?
Does the astronaut-husband voice sound like Wheatley from Portal 2 to anyone else?
That makes it even creepier.
ok, I’m now 100% convinced of Alice’s murder. That definitely happened. And yessss that Formation tap dancing video! My favorite part is all the people from around the world sharing the routine, and also the GOLD SHOES that the first group’s leader is wearing.
Those gold shoes are fantastic.
I am stoked for the Jungle Book movie. Listening to the Kipling books on tape was the best thing about road tripping when I was small.
So glad I’m not the only one here who loved those stories. I still read Just So Stories to myself, sometimes.
It’s the most Wes Anderson-y thing I’ve seen that isn’t actually Wes Anderson’s work. Like, I bet he could sue it’s so Wes Anderson-y.
Wait… The necklace she’s wearing in the first part of the ad… Is it me, or is it shaped like the headless, limbless torso of a woman? Alice?
Oh god I didn’t even notice that.
The dress! “The” dress! Could have been human skin. Alice is not mummified, Alice is a sheath dress.
Oh geez, I had to go back and look at that but I’m 99% sure it’s a teddy bear.
Wait, this is a PERFUME ad?! But… how??
(Also, I thought it was a talking alarm clock at first.)
I think it’s actually a jewelry necklace, based on the fact that she gets a big necklace.
ETA: not that it makes any more sense that way
I thought it was a gender-swapped “Her” … “Him”?
Advertising. I don’t even pretend to understand.
I love Female Kaa. I am tired of Baddie Kaa.
And if the author says in a pronunciation guide at the beginning of the book how to pronounce the main character’s name, you should pronounce it that way in the movie. #curmudgeoness
Apart from that, it looks really, really cool.
YES! I remember as a kid thinking “but…Kaa isn’t a bad guy” because of course I’d read the story before seeing the movie.
I love Kipling’s books for kids and am here to talk about them any time at all! Is anyone else kind of annoyed by how every single review of the movie goes, “Of course, the Jungle Book is a difficult story to film because Kipling was an imperialist” and then starts talking about King Louie, the character who was added in by Disney?
I get a little twitchy about my favorite stories being adapted unless they’re done absolutely perfectly, and I might give this one a skip because apparently they’re keeping King Louie. But I’m reading all the reviews with great attention.
Also, if any of the other Toasties who love Kipling’s books for kids want to talk about Puck of Pook’s Hill/ Rewards and Fairies, I am HERE for that.
I actually feel physically bereft for never having heard of these. Wow. Thank you for mentioning them!
You’re very welcome! Those books are actually how I first discovered Kipling, so I forget how relatively little-known they are compared to his other books for kids. I’m always delighted to be able to recommend Kipling to people who actually want to read him. Let me know what you think!
Kipling is the very definition of a problematic fav.
I swore I wasn’t going to to see the new Jungle Book because no one ever gets Kipling’s tone right. I mean, those stories are funny but it’s often very somber and there are Things Beyond The Understanding of Humans. I loved that as a kid.
But the trailers and the production images they’ve released seem to be playing to that sense of somberness, rather than a goofy family film. So it’s slowly won me over, it’s not perfect (Bill Murray isn’t my ideal for Baloo), but it seems to be striking a good balance between the old movie and Kipling.
(I am also cautiously optimistic about Andy Serkis’ Jungle Book, whenever it decides to grace our screens)
We are of a single mind 100% on every point you make. YEEEEEEEEEP.
I read Kim when I was 10…and was very hurt by the portrayal of my people (I’m Indian). Especially because I loved Jungle Book and Just So stories.
I can only imagine. Ugh.
Really? If you don’t mind, I’d love to talk to you about this. My impression of Kim is that while you can tell it was written by a white guy in 1901, and so there’s the occasional jarring aside about How Orientals Do Things, it’s still basically a love letter to India and its people. And I know there are Indian readers who see it that way as well. So I’d be really interested to hear what specifically it was about Kim that you found so hurtful. Believe me, I’m not trying to discount your experience, just to understand it.
Incidentally, the Guardian books blog did Kim as its book of the month recently, and we had a really fascinating discussion about Hurree Babu, his place in the book, and to what extent he should be considered a caricature.
Sorry, I think intensedebate ate my reply, so I’m reposting. My comment was based on my memory of the book from childhood, so it’s more an emotional reaction than a nuanced reading. With that caveat, I feel like there were many instances when the ‘good’ Indian characters were contrasted with the general populace who were called lazy, incompetent and untrustworthy. What hurt was the realization that an author I had thought of as avuncular would probably despise me if we met since I was Hindu and female.
Oh, that makes me really sad, because I’ve always had exactly the opposite impression of Kim. I think of it as a loving, joyous celebration of India and everyone in it, and I’m always amazed by how someone as conservative as Kipling was able to write such an essentially progressive book – Huckleberry Finn in India, basically. But then, I didn’t read it until I was fifteen, and I’m not Indian, and I don’t know what it would be like to encounter those reflexive Victorian asides about “Orientals” as a child, and from a writer you had trusted. Here’s what I wrote over at the Guardian, a few months ago:
“This is explicitly a book about living life and engaging with the world, about the value of talking to people. Kim’s world is India. And it’s a gloriously crowded world, a world full of people whose thoughts and opinions and stories matter. That’s where the book gets that lovely warm glow from – from the value it puts on human life.”
I don’t mean to suggest that you’re wrong, though – just to say that I read the book a different way, and also to sympathize.
Yes, definitely problematic, definitely a fav. What’s nice about Kipling, though, in my experience at least, is that the really problematic stuff and the really good stuff are generally separate. It’s not like E. Nesbit, where you’re reading along going “Yes, this is a masterpiece of children’s literature,” and suddenly a bunch of long-nosed Jewish financiers are being massacred.
Oh my god, that advert! I had to go an watch the other ones in the series to try to make sense of it, and while it is definitely the creepiest, they’re all kind of crazy. The first one involves a student hooking up with her significantly older professor and him buying her lots of jewellery, while the third seems initially to be about a really narcissistic women but then turns out to be about her over possessive father. They’re great!
Welp, I know what I’m doing with my Saturday morning.
Hair inspiration thread? I’m getting my hair cut this evening and I’m not 100% sure what I want to do. I have very thick, somewhat wavy hair that currently hits past my shoulders. Past my shoulders, a little north of my armpits, to be more precise. I also have side bangs that have grown out to the point where I could start blending them into the rest of my hair if I wanted. Anybody have any thick, wavy-ish hair muses? Zooey Deschanel is the only one I can think of, but I don’t know if I can handle the regrowth on those bangs.
I also have thick, wavy-ish hair! I think I brought pictures of Ginnifer Goodwin as inspiration to my last several haircuts, including the one where I asked for an undercut. Prior to the undercut, I think I was asking for some sort of layered bob? Before I figured out how to ask for layers, my hair would just sort of explode with volume as it grew out.
I hear you on the volume explosion. Layers are my best friend (until I wait too long for another cut, like now). Also, I did not realize how many great haircuts Ginnifer Goodwin has had.
I’ve got the same hair, but the opposite problem. Highly considering bangs and chopping a fair bit off. I’d rather people see my glorious blond hair first and not my massive expanse of forehead. Now I just have to figure out which bangs.
Seconding a layered bob! Many shorter haircuts (on me) turn into absurd Final Fantasy hair as my waves start to grow in at bizarre points. This layered bob is keeping that tendency in check, which is fabu.
I need you all to drop whatever you’re doing and take a look at these photos of the Dean of the Faculty of Medicine of Charles University in Prague lovingly cradling a pelican in his arms. They have brought me so much genuine joy and I want to share it with my Toastie friends.
This man looks at his pelican like Justin Trudeau looks at Barack Obama. I want someone to look at me like this man looks at his pelican.
Holy shit, pelicans are huge. I had no idea.
I had no idea pelicans are amenable to being picked up and hugged, even if the hugger is an eminent and respectable person like a dean of medicine. We both learned something today!
This is the life I want to live. This is the inspiration that drives me forward.
See also: http://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/bald-eagle-self…
OMG, AMAZING.
I had no idea pelicans were so large. You can see the bird-dino link real strong there.
I want that dean to be my dean. My dean would never hug a pelican. I’m not even sure he’d hug a puppy.
I have to say, that pelican seems remarkably chill about being picked up and cuddled.
Highly recommend to listen to this while viewing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRtVFIsYPLI
I love these pictures with all my heart and also need my university to adopt a pelican I can hug immediately.
Relationship ending, in the comments below for length.
A few weeks ago, my long distance nonexclusive non-boyfriend told me that he’d started seeing someone that he’d known for a while and he thought it might get serious, even though it had only been a few dates so far. He told me because he felt we should end the sexual/romantic part of our relationship, but hopefully still be friends. I told him that I know I’ll need a break to get over things, so I wouldn’t be messaging him for a while. He told me he understood and hoped that we could talk as much again in the future.
I’m doing okay, actually. I cried a lot that night, but since then I haven’t really. I’m still thinking about him a lot of course, but it’s not as painful as I thought it would be. I’m not ready yet to talk to him every day again like we used to, but I do think I’ll get to the point in the future where I’ve had enough time for that to work without making me sad. He was very understanding about my needing space and respectful to me and this new girl by telling me about it early on when he realized it might be serious. So luckily nothing there for me to be mad at him about or have to forgive him for later in a friendship. It also helps that he’s far away and if we aren’t texting and Skyping, I can avoid him entirely. So mostly it’s just being sad sometimes when I think about him and the fact that it’s over.
Making things feel odder: we were dating other people already before this, so I’m currently casually seeing a guy where I live. It’s not exclusive and no future plans or expectations but I do see him pretty frequently for dating and social reasons. He knew about the other guy abroad but we don’t talk about him really and I haven’t told him about the break up yet. I think mainly it was because I wanted to process it on my own (I have told friends though) and without putting him in the awkward position of feeling like he should comfort me because I was sad about another man breaking up with me. Now I think I’ve had enough distance to talk about it, hopefully without so much time passing that it seems weird. I’m sure that conversation will go fine though.
In conclusion: just living life pretty much as normal and giving myself time and space to get to a point where talking to my former Scotsman won’t make me too sad. I’m very glad this happened now when I’m busy all the time and not last year, when I would have just been sitting home for 75% of the day with no distractions and nothing to cheer me up.
This sounds so healthy. I’m mean, I’m sorry that you’re going through a sad spot. But you both handled it so responsibility and with such sensitivity to the feelings of others. GOOD JOB YOU!
Keep being gentle with yourself. ((hugs))
Thanks! When I told him about my decision to not talk for a while, part of me hoped that he’d object to it. But he didn’t, because he’s a good guy who respects my decisions and doesn’t want to make things harder for me.
I’m sorry that it didn’t work you the way you’d hoped. Thank you for looking out for your own well-being and for understanding so well what helps you feel better. That is a fucking big deal.
Sending hugs / hand-squeezes / fist-bumps / whatever form of support and acknowledgement feels good right now.
This sounds like a big blow but like you’re handling it great. Treat yourself this weekend!
Toasts! I am missing OT mostly because it’s MrChouffe’s birthday and we’re going to LUNCH at a REAL RESTAURANT. Have fun and I shall report back.
Happy Birthday, MrChouffe!
Happy birthday to MrChouffe and I hope the real restaurant is lovely!
We ate at our favorite pub and it was lovely and we had beers and some of my officemates came along and it. is. finally. WARM OUT and ugh, I just wanna go hang out in the sunshine and drink beer and rosè with my husband, but alas, work.
Reading thread!
On a tip from a prior OT, I got the audio book of Rebecca and started listening to it this morning. I originally read it in high school, and I recall enjoying it, but wow! I am just loving the narration, and probably also have a new appreciation for the writing. So lush and evocative!
What are you all reading?
I just finished Cat’s Eye, which is the first Margaret Atwood I’ve read and is incredible. I picked it up without reading the back so it took me a while to realize that it is not, in fact, dystopian. I’m also clipping through a mountain of Terry Pratchett, almost done with The Truth.
I just bought my first Margaret Atwood read! I got Penelopiad for my 13 hour flight on Wednesday, so I hope it’s good. I feel like it’s a bit odd that I haven’t read any Atwood before, but it’s never too late to pick up a new author, right?
That’s how I felt. I’m going to read The Handmaid’s Tale next and am a bit worried it won’t be as good, even though everyone I know who has read it swears by it.
The thing about The Handmaid’s Tale is just that it’s…uncanny is really the best word for it. It was my first Atwood and i haven’t reread it in a few years but it remains my favorite.
I loooooooved The Penelopiad (but then, I’m inclined to like most things Atwood has written), and there was a theatrical version of it a few years back that was truly excellent and made me love it even more.
I remember enjoying that a lot but it was quite a quick read, you might need more for a 13 hour flight!
Also Pratchett-ing atm – currently re-reading Wyrd Sisters because I just really needed the witches in my life. I re(re re re)-read The Truth last month, though, and it’s still one of my faves. Monstrous Regiment just beats it, but it’s a close thing.
I love me some witches. Nanny Ogg is such a comfort.
Is The Truth the one about the printing press and tabloid journalism? I loved that so much and should reread.
Here for the Pratchett love. Just finished The Shepherd’s Crown. So many tears.
All the tears.
Yeah, that’s the one!
(Vaguely related note: I’m currently teaching English in Italy, and one of my students once asked me what I was reading when I was reading The Truth. I tried to explain, but I think I lost him at “dwarves invented the printing press”.)
Also stumping through a mountain of Terry Pratchett! I’m reading Men at Arms right now (the Watch books are my faaaaavorites). Aside from the Pratchett I’ve got Moore’s The Serpent of Venice (so far: meh), Kushiel’s Chosen (thank you, ten billion Toasties who recommended this series), and I’m about to start The Eyre Affair (thanks again, ten billion Toasties).
This is why I love my Kindle. It enables my simultaneous-book habits without giving me a hernia.
Mmy favorite Pratchett is sometimes Night Watch and other times Only You Can Save Mankind, a strange little book but I love it.
I am just over halfway through Middlemarch. I have been reading it for two months now. And I mean “reading” because the last two months were buying and selling a home and moving, so when I had downtime, I vegged in front of Netflix and played Cookie Jam on my phone instead of reading.
WILL I EVER FINISH THIS BOOK?
It took us about 3 months to read Middlemarch even without major life events, so — give it time! It was a long read for us but worth it.
But do you like it?? I feel like halfway through Middlemarch is a really interesting point to assess how you feel about the characters, especially.
I do. I am just having trouble sitting down and reading in more than very short chunks, which is unusual. But I kind of had a major life upheaval, so I should probably just chill out about it, I’ll get through it. And then it will be time for something short and breezy.
Middlemarch is the great missed shame of my English degrees (we read Daniel Deronda and in a later class I read The Lifted Veil, so I keep trying to rev up for it. That, and Anna Karenina.
So basically, go you!
Middlemarch took me two-three months, too, but it ended up being very satisfying nonetheless.
All right, y’all are making me feel much better.
I am not lying or exaggerating when I say that it took me 6 YEARS to get through Middlemarch—the first four chapters took 5.75 years. Once you get rolling with the super-dense sentence structure, it gets easier.
Wooo late to the party but I’m also reading Middlemarch! It’s going to take me months (I’m about 200 pages in right now). I really like it, I’ve just got a lot going on right now.
The Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom series on my Kindle. It’s delightful fluff, the kind of escapist fluff we all need every now and again.
The Black Count. I don’t even know how I happened across it, but it’s amazing. I’m hooked. (Real life story of Alexandre Dumas’s father. OMG.) Where is my prestige television miniseries of this? I want it now. http://www.amazon.com/Black-Count-Revolution-Betr…
i am 60% sure i saw that the rights have been sold for a movie and it should get made because it would be fantastic.
I got a LIBRARY CARD earlier this week and it was the first time I’ve used a local library almost since I started college (which is sad, but the university library generally had what I needed/wanted).
Immediately checked out Hild by Nicola Griffith which is beautiful so far, but also 500 pages long and not so great for the shallow part of me which enjoys updating my book count for the year.
I’m reading NK Jemisin’s i>The Shadowed Sun, which is fantastic. I’m a little mad at myself for waiting so long, and I’ll definitely be tracking down The Fifth Season ASAP. Even though I also want to wait until all the books are out so I don’t have to wait between books.
I just started The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms. I only got my library card a few weeks ago, and my local library is a mobile library temporarily so I was very pleasantly surprised they had it. They actually had 1 copy of each book in the trilogy, which is even more of a surprise.
I am struggling through a Spanish translation of Tales of the Alhambra because I plan to write the DELE exam this fall and want to brush up on my vocabulary. It’s challenging because I keep having to stop and look up words so there’s no flow to my reading and by the time I’m done with a sentence I forget what the previous one was 🙁
I am almost done with The Caped Crusade by Glen Weldon, and it is the best. I especially love that, as a PCHH addict, I can practically hear his voice while reading.
I also read The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, which I’d hoped to like more. It stayed on the abstract level for me, I admired it but never quite got into it.
Thank you for reminding me that I need to read The Caped Crusade! I’ve already recommended it to people based on my love for (a) PCHH, (b) Batman, and (c) scholarly discussions of nerd culture, so I should definitely pick up my own copy.
I was super close to getting that for MrChouffe’s birthday but the description of it involving “nerd culture” kind of threw me off. I will buy it for him next week. 🙂
I felt the same way about The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms. I really liked the set pieces, so to speak, but never felt truly invested in the characters and I thought the plot was pretty thin. I’ve been told NK Jemison’s other books would appeal to me more, though!
I’ll definitely have to give some of her other books a chance! And I might even finish the inheritance trilogy – it’s not like I didn’t enjoy reading the book at all, and I am a completist at heart.
How much interest would it have for someone who is only mildly, at best, interested in Batman, but loves PCHH, Glen Weldon, pop culture history, nerd culture history, and meta? Like, I’m not anti-Batman, but superheroes in general were never part of my nerd bag, so I only know the broadest details via osmosis and I already feel like I have to do homework to keep up with Marvel these days. . .
I think if you enjoy listening to Glen Weldon talk about comic books/superheroes, you’ll probably like this book: it is mostly about Batman, and only tangentially about nerd culture, but there’s very little knowledge required going in. I’m not a huge Bat-fan myself, but I really love reading about all the changes in the character and the reaction of the fans.
I just finished Dr. Mütter’s Marvels: A True Tale of Intrigue and Innovation at the Dawn of Modern Medicine and have been bugging everyone with Mütter facts since then. Do not remember much Intrigue, but I thought it was really great/interesting/horrifying by turns (descriptions of how and why a lot of women ended up with horrific burns in 18th c. American households).
I’m currently reading Running After Antelope for a book club and…thankfully it’s short? It’s a collection of essays by a frequent NPR contributor and it really seems like he’s trying to be Hunter S. Thompson for the NPR set. Some of the essays are okay (I think I remember one from This American Life), but overall: Not impressed.
Reading Have His Carcase for the second time! I’m working my way through the entire series after having skipped straight to the Harriet Vane books the first time (one of the many things I thank the Toast for).
But now I want all the LPW+HV. Has anyone read Thrones, Dominations, the one that Sayers abandoned and that was finished by Jill Paton Walsh? And if that one is okay, what about the books just by Jill Paton Walsh (Attenbury Emeralds, A Presumption of Death). Am I being greedy? Are they like Scarlett, the GwtW “sequel”?
It’s been a long time since I read it, but IIRC, I did not like Thrones, Dominations at all. But I am rarely satisfied with “sequels” or books finished by other authors, so maybe take that with a grain of salt.
There’s better fanfic out there, I thought. I felt the joins were quite clear in Thrones (although of course I may be wrong!) and although I’ve read the others except the very last one, I wasn’t fussed. I don’t think she has the characterisation down well enough, especially of Harriet, who just says everything either gravely or mildly and does nothing else.
I enjoyed the sequels, but am also VERY interested in any decent fanfic for them out there – what do you recommend
I mostly just keep an eye on AO3 and read anything new when it pops up! Custardpringle has done some good long stuff about Hilary Thorpe and Gherkins but not a lot of Peter or Harriet in them. I like them a lot but of course they are more ‘original characters’ since there isnt’ a lot about them in the books.
It’s mostly fairly short bits, ther isn’t a lot of long/casefic stuff, so I tend to just dip in and out of whatever grabs me from the description.
Thrones, Dominations is the best by a long way, but still lacking. I really disliked the other two – they felt very flat and the characters weren’t themselves at all. As Es_Petal says, there’s (much!) better fanfic out there. I’ve also seen a lot of people talk about how Jill Paton Walsh seems very uncomfortable with class stuff, and has a tendency to go down the We’re All Middle-Class Now route, which really doesn’t work well.
Thank you all, you’ve convinced me! I will treasure what little LPW+HV from Sayers we have (a chance to exercise the Buddhism my SO is always pushing on me?) and look to fanfic, not Jill Paton Walsh, for additional doses.
I’m currently reading We Two, which is about the relationship between Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. Apparently the first time they met he was chubby and pimply, badly-dressed, lacking in social graces, and basically a sullen teenage boy and Victoria was like, “…ugh, do I have to?” Fast forward fiveish years, they meet again, and Albert has seriously leveled up in looks and style and Victoria was like, “I want to climb that like a tree.” And they lived happily ever after (until he died and she spent the rest of her life in mourning).
I’m working my way through a natural history of the Grand Canyon. It’s lovely, but taking me a while, which is not usually my reading style. Reading it sort of forces you to go at river-pace as opposed to normal-life-pace.
I just finished Ancillary Justice and really enjoyed it. It took me a really long time to get into the narration (I kept getting confused by all the ‘I was over here talking to another one of me’ stuff) but I got used to it. Are the next two as good?
I thought the next two weren’t quite as good, but I still really enjoyed them. They’re much more straightforward.
I preferred the next two, with the last being my favorite. They are definitely more straightforward.
I’m just. . . having trouble getting into the story in Ancillary Justice, for some reason. I have a copy on my kindle that i keep coming back to when I’m waiting for my next library hold, but it never holds my interest enough once the other books are available. But the Toast readers mostly seem to really like it, so I haven’t given up yet. . . .
I had that problem when I read AJ as well. I think I liked the idea of the book more than the book itself. Still, it was definitely worth finishing.
I definitely had trouble getting into it too, but then I got really hooked maybe like 1/4 of the way in once some events started happening and it wasn’t all setup. But, if it’s not your thing, then it’s not your thing… I have certainly read plenty of other books that a lot of people liked that just weren’t for me! No shame in that.
I’ve only read the second one: I thought it was less thought-provoking and involving than the first, but I still very much enjoyed spending time in this strange world.
My biggest problem with the series was that I read them when they came out, which meant a year between each, and I didn’t re-read before the next one, so there was a lot of “wait, what happened in the last book? who is this?”
I also found that I kept taking the gendering at face value, so when a character was shown *not* to be female, it shook my brain a bit. Then I’d start reading them as female again.
I’m in the middle of A Little Life right now and HOLY SHIT WHAT. O_O
(for those who’ve read it, I’m in the middle of “The Axiom of Equality” and am really hoping that the title of the next section—”The Happy Years”—isn’t just Yanagihara being ironic or something. Not banking on it though.)
I just read Kushiel’s Dart. It wasn’t really like I was expecting at all. I mostly enjoyed it, but I think I’d have enjoyed it more if the prose had been a bit less purple and the foreshadowing had been a bit less frequent and heavy-handed. Am debating whether to read the next one.
I felt like the second one was a rehash of the first, but with less Joscelin and no Hyacinth. I have no plans to read the third.
Yeah, that does not sound appealing. Especially since the first one was so very long. I have definitely spent enough time with that particular story now.
I was similarly underwhelmed by the second… the third is MUCH better than the second (though it’s incredibly, nightmarishly dark at times). The first is still the best by far imo.
I stopped about a third of the way into the first one! The bit where she’s (IIRC) getting off on having splinters just took me right out of the moment and I could not get back into it.
I’ve been feeling the quick, shallow reads lately. Nothing tough, lots of young adult and murder mysteries. If anyone has any suggestions I’d love to hear them.
Also looking for recommendations in the shallow reads category! I’ve been reading the Harper Hall series by Anne McCaffrey because I somehow missed them when I was a kid?? And they’re the only thing I’ve been able to focus on right now.
This was me all last summer and Agatha Christie, tbh.
I was on a bigtime noir kick a few months ago and can highly recommend Vera Caspary’s Laura and Ira Levin’s A Kiss Before Dying. Dorothy Hughes’s In a Lonely Place is really really excellent. Cannot recommend enough.
A friend turned me on to Doctor Sleep (I hadn’t known there was a sequel to The Shining), so I read both of those–it was weird to reread a book I read at far too young an age and get things now that sailed over my head then. Current;y reading Chasing Vermeer and I really like it but five things came for work at once so I may have to bail without having properly decoded all the little messages hidden in it and try again later).
Ohhhh Doctor Sleep was so so good and so so creepy.
I was struck by how poignant it was, too. Between the hospice care and recovery from addiction I was wrung out from crying and kind of glad when the True Knot would pull into a KOA to raise hell.
I finally got Ancillary Mercy from the library and am devouring it. Man, I love Breq.
Recently finished Lovecraft Country by Matt Ruff – it’s a novel, but set up as a series of novellas about an extended family-friend group of nerdy black women and men (plus one kid) in 1950s Chicago who are drawn against their wills into this eldritch conspiracy (run, naturally, by white men). I’ve always enjoyed Ruff and I loved this book. Such smart, kick-ass characters.
I also finished Gathering of Shadows and all I have to say about that is MOAR LILA BARD.
I am also listening to the Rebecca audiobook!!! I’ve never read/listened to it before however, and I am very much enjoying it. I love the protagonist, but mostly I want to whisk her away and give her a hug and some money so she can do what she wants for a while.
I’m only about 4 hrs into it, but I have already figured out that the rhododendrons = bad.
Also Maxim is such an ass.
I finished my John Green binge with The Fault in Our Stars and I am really stunned by how good it was, especially since I was not much pleased with his earlier novels.
Last week someone recommended Jaclyn Moriarty so I started reading The Colours of Madeleine trilogy and WOW those are some good books! (I’m on the 2nd right now.) It is not very often that I read something which is surprises me, but these do, and I am looking forward to when our daughter is old enough for them.
I’m reading The Sellout by Paul Beatty. It is funny, but not as funny as people have said. While the plot is ridiculous, I am enjoying it and curious to see where it goes. Worth reading.
I’m almost done with Rough-Hewn by Dorothy Canfield Fisher, a 1920s novel recommended by Jo Walton that should probably be on people’s high school reading lists but isn’t because she was one of those bestselling novelists who disappeared twenty years later for no reason anyone can determine. It’s pretty great for what it is – a novel about how to live a satisfying life instead of an expected one – and I’ll be sad when it’s over. Anyone else got recommendations for undeservedly-forgotten women novelists?
If you aren’t familiar with Persephone Books, get you there! Dorothy Canfield Fisher’s The Homemaker was one of the first books I bought from them, based on my love of Understood Betsy.
http://www.persephonebooks.co.uk/
I’m reading “We Love You, Charlie Freeman” by Kaitlyn Greenidge – about sisters, and language, and race, and dubious science ? Maybe by next week I will have figured out how to make this book sound as amazing and unmissable as it is. It is so good”
yay! just got this in at the library and am excited to start it. Once I finish NeuroTribes, which is so fascinating and scary, and reveals how much more could have been included.
I am reading Thunderstruck by Erik Larson and it is so, so, so good. I haven’t yet been able to put all the story threads together and I’m about 2/3 through so I mean, that’s pretty impressive.
OMG, I loved Thunderstruck so much! I thought the two narrative threads were much more tightly connected, ultimately, than those in Devil in the White City (which was also really good).
I just started Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda at lunch today and I am really liking it so far. I have been having a hell of a time getting into anything lately, but this sucked me in right away.
I have just finished all the Josephine Tey books I have, not quite sure what to do next other than see if Amazon has any more!
Listening-wise I am in the throes of the fourth Rivers of London on the ipod, and the fourth Harry P on the laptop while at work. I have the second Silver Brumby waiting which I bought with this month’s audible credit and the first was so lovely, having not read it since I was small, that I am really looking forward to it.
I have been working my way through Tey recently! I enjoy them a lot, although the level of snobbery is painful sometimes.
Which ones do you have? I am always here to talk about Josephine Tey (and my persistent Brat Farrar crush, um. But also class politics and unpacking so much weirdness in Miss Pym Disposes and the discomfort of The Franchise Affair!)
All of them, it turns out – or all of them that amazon stock. 🙁 Singing sands, man in the queue, franchise affair, to love and be wise, a shilling for candles, Miss Pym, Brat and daughter of time.
I can get behind a Brat Farrar crush, as a horsey lady of long standing, there is nothing hotter than a man who knows how to sit on a horse!
I totally see the level of snobbery/class politics issue, but for me, I just get on with it with the golden age ladies and ignore it. There is so much good about them, I love the mysteries, I have a weakness for posh intelligent men, so it’s one of those things I can ‘whistle past’ as the storywonk people put it on their podcasts.
There’s a series of mysteries that feature Tey as a character by Nicola (I think) Upson. I read one and liked it a lot, and only afterward learned that she was an actual person.
I read about them last night when I was looking to see if there were any more Teys so I will get one!
Foucault’s Pendulum, Umberto Eco! I picked it up at a used book store on a whim one day last February, the day he died. I had no idea until the clerk asked if I was buying it in memoriam.
(This was in Berlin, btw. The bookstore had a small refrigerator behind the register and you could buy a beer and retreat to one of the store’s leather couches and read. Good job, Germany.)
The plot is all numerology and the Knights Templar and 1980s computing and memories of northern Italy in WWII and it’s sometimes hard to follow (UNDERSTATEMENT) but gosh I just love it. Deliciously-named Italian academics can passionately expound on occultism at me for as long as they want.
I haven’t read The Name of the Rose yet and I cannot wait.
That’s one of my favourite books. It took me about four tries to get past the first couple of chapters but I tried ‘just once more’ and it caught fire and now I adore it.
My new life goal: live in that book store.
Yeah, I loved it too…once I managed to finally get through it. I’ve gone back over it a few times since I don’t think I really knew what on earth was going on when I tackled it as a teenager.
Name of the Rose is fun as well, if you like murders and obscure theological debates from the Middle Ages. Also has a rather lengthy sex scene that was the basis of one of the most awkward moments of my life when watching the movie with my Baptist minister father.
I have just picked up Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier and I can’t recommend it enough. Especially for Toasties! Seriously. I’m feeling a lot of feels and learning so much about the (cis) female body. (I WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE, YA’ALL.)
I’m working my way through Mira Grant’s Parasitology triology. It’s really, really good.
I’m finishing up Outlander on audio. Phwar! It’s made the past several weeks bearable in Northern Virginia traffic. I feel like I am cheating on my grad school homework, which is an added bonus.
Oooh, I listened to the audiobook of Rebecca recently too, and I loved it! But the whole way through I was just like:
Currently trying to listen to SPQR, but it turns out I don’t necessarily have 18 hours of excitement about the history of the Roman Empire in me?
Are there any other idiots here who kept watching Sleepy Hollow after the terrible second season, only to be horribly betrayed by the third season finale? I can’t be the only one, can I? Please come complain with me (there will be spoilers obviously).
We can also talk about RuPaul’s Drag Race if you prefer, since it’s so great this season.
I did not keep watching [think I made it to halfway through season two] but MAN do I feel your rage.
Season two was so stupid and awful but season three had been a pretty big improvement and I was optimistic about its future. And then… the finale. It takes a lot for me to give up on a show that I once loved but if it gets renewed there’s no way in hell I’m watching.
I also made it about halfway through S2, picked it up again for the first few episodes of S3, and never got around to finishing it. And now I’m not going to, I don’t think. Which is a shame, because I loved S1 – I even ran a fandom tumblr, ffs! It makes me so sad to see how it’s declined.
Bob the Drag Queen is doing a show at a bar in my city tonight! I can’t wait for him to spill ALL the tea!
I am jelly! Hopefully he’ll bring the famous purse!
I like Bob so much! She really seems to enjoy the challenges– she strikes me as very earnest in a way I find endearing, even when she’s being competitive.
And I get why it’s unwise to let someone upstage you– to put more effort into a teammate’s look than your own. But as failure modes go, it’s pretty pro-social, and I admire that.
YES I have been hoping Toast people watched it so I could vent my UNBRIDLED RAGE here.
And the thing is, it doesn’t even make narrative sense. Why would the *time traveler* who has *no living family left* and who was *brought forward in time* specifically to partner as witness with Abbie be the one whose story isn’t done? Abbie had a life there! A father who had literally just said “I have so much to tell you.” A grieving sister. An FBI career. But nooooo, it’s more important that a “Founding Father” carry on, because modern Americans apparently aren’t as important as people who personally knew Washington? There isn’t even any sort of narrative excuse for creating the blatant racism and sexism in the dialogue they gave Abbie (not that there ever would be an excuse that made it okay, but I’m just still baffled at the illogic of it all).
Yeah, it was just so awful. I’m happy for Nicole Beharie because apparently she had been trying to get off the show for a while and she really deserves better, but there were so many other ways they could have written her out that didn’t completely diminish the importance of her character. Having Abbie sacrifice herself to save the world I could deal with I guess, if it weren’t for the whole “Lady Witnesses are actually Slayers, basically” thing wherein they are basically expendable sidekicks to the very important white man. Her telling Ichabod in the weird limbo dreamworld that Abigail Mills had done all she was supposed to do and that she was at peace with it made me want to set things on fire! Also it was extremely galling how they seem to have specifically introduced the idea that Ichabod had romantic feelings for her this season so that he could be extra sad about her death.
I hadn’t even thought of that particular awful possibility. I reacted to Ichabod’s developing of romantic feelings with “About dang time”–I didn’t even think about the implications.
I haven’t watched any Sleepy Hollow except for part of the first season, but I’ve been hearing about Abbie’s death on tumblr and I’m so here for all the complaining.
I am beyond frustrated that Derrick is still on the show. Ye gods and little fishes.
I watched this week clicking the heels of my (imaginary) ruby slippers and whisper-chanting “Send Britney home”.
That is how I learned it is possible to simultaneously be both too witches and not witches enough.
I’ll send the flying monkeys after her next week, if I’ve leveled up by then.
Derrick has been the most boring queen all season, IMO. I would love for Chi Chi to make it to top 3, because I looooove her. But I’m calling the top 3 as Bob, Thorgy, and Naomi.
I’m guessing Bob, Thorgy, and Kimchi. But you’re likelier right– Naomi is more Rue-like in some ways than anyone else who’s still on, and I think that matters.
Somehow I forgot about Kimchi? Even though I love love love her. Yeah, I think you’re right. I amend my original statement.
This may be wishful thinking but I predict Bob, Kim Chi and Chi Chi. I think Thorgy will be a Katya-esque painful elimination.
please, sweet baby jesus, let this happen.
The last episode ended with the best case scenario for the bottom two so I wasn’t too bummed that Derrick stayed. There’s no way she’s making it to the finals (and she only made it this far because they needed her to do Britney in Snatch Game) and I have been very underwhelmed by Robbie the entire season and was glad to see her go.
All bets are off next week though. At the end of the last episode my friend and I said at the exact same time “If Chi Chi is eliminated before Derrick, I will shit my pants.”
The thing is, that would require Chi-Chi to lose a lip sync to Brit-Brit. And that is completely impossible.
Unless it were a Britney lip sync. At which point I would full-on ragesob.
I haven’t picked it up since the mid-season break, but I am NOPE-ING ALL THE WAY OUT after being spoiled for the S3 finale.
I’m another one who ditched halfway through season 2. I have a friend who kept going and had been trying to talk me into coming back to it because I was the one who got him into it, but after reading about what happened there is zero chance that I’ll ever watch anything but season 1 again.
I don’t live in the US so only the first two seasons are available on my local Netflix, and I was *so* into it in the first season. Cheesy fun where only main character was a know-it-all white guy? TWO women of color who were both allowed to speak and have fully formed personalities without being “sassy” AND nice parts for Orlando Jones and John Cho? Sign me up! Then the second season was pretty unwatchable so I stopped a few episodes in but was willing to maybe possibly see it through until I heard about the season 3 finale.
Also, I really didn’t care for Katrina. She could’ve been this fascinating character, but instead she felt like the producers were just like “uh, can we put a pretty white girl in a corset in this scene so we don’t offend the menfolk with all these women with their business casual clothing and lives that don’t involve being a perma-damsel?”
I loved the first season so much and was so disappointed by the second that I decided to only bother with the third if I was hearing good things about it on Twitter or Tumblr. I never did.
And I still feel horribly betrayed by the finale.
I have most of the season DVR’d and not watched. . .I’m not feeling inspired. I also don’t care about spoilers in 98% of what I consume, so I will read anyway.
I gave up before the season began (I was going to watch but then I saw gifs of Betsy Ross’ corset and I noped out), but I’m still very angry about that.
Like so many others, I gave up on Sleepy Hollow at some point in season two. I heard what happened and I’m so glad I stopped watching. If you need something new to watch, The Mary Sue is recommending Wynonna Earp. Two leading ladies and queer feels, apparently? http://www.themarysue.com/wynonna-earp-heroine-we…
I’ve been watching the pile of Sleepies Hollow on our TiVo a chunk at a time. The last episode I watched was the third-season opener, I believe (time jump; Abbie’s a Fed now; the Horseman is ended in a boring, anticlimactic way?).
I was kinda like, “Meh, I’m not really into this anymore. Maybe if I watch a bunch at a time so the story moves quickly…”
But what I’m hearing from y’all is that my best move is to go “Yup, I finished Sleepy Hollow. Go ahead and delete the remainder and pretend they never existed.”
If that is correct, then I am rather relieved, actually! I mean, I usually hate spoilers, so clearly I opened up this thread looking for a reason to stop watching.
I have a few episodes left before the finale, but since I found out the ending, I just cannot bear to finish it. I loved it so much.
OMG THE ROMANOVS PIECE
This Open Thread, let us share podfic because podfic is GREAT. Here is a Marvel podfic that is also a Night Vale cross-over and also is ridiculously awesome and now it is canon in my mind. Sort of. At least, Jasper Sitwell-wise it is.
I am STUNNED at how civil and interesting the comments are!
YES I AM here for podfics. I’m also into the MCU and Nightvale, which you, dear, quite obviously know. Favourite readers, anybody? Apart from Reena Jenkins, that is.
BLACKGLASS. I love blackglass SO MUCH everything she reads is GOLD
Agreed! She’s amazing – I haven’t trawled through all her works yet, but she’s definitely on my list. picascribit is quite charming, too. Cellar Door is probably a household name, too? I hope so.
Toasts, I am having a very difficult time resisting the urge to overhaul my wardrobe RFN. I know that I shouldn’t because it would be very bad for my wallet. BUT UUUGGGH I WANT TO GET RID OF ALL THE SKIRTS I DON’T WEAR ANYMORE AND THEN BUY ALL THE MONKSTRAP SHOES.
(“RudyRed, weren’t you bitching about your wardrobe in a previous OT?” YES I WAS SHUT UP.)
Me too, following the “new job, new closet needed” logic. It would be a logistical nightmare but man, a Toast clothing swap could be fun.
Today I learned that those shoes are called Monkstrap Shoes!
Totally had to google it and they are AMAZING. OP, I don’t know your exact circumstances but I think you must find a way to get these!
MONKSTRAP SHOES.
I have been seeking out a pair that is in my price range and my size and lovely but so far have not found that. I still have hope, though. So much hope.
There’s a pair on clearance at Aldo, and I am so so so so tempted.
Oooh, now I am probably going to go on Aldo and also be very tempted.
TWOMONKSTRAP SHOES http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Peal-Co.®-Doubl…
Those are beautiful and I will now aspire to someday be a person who can buy shoes like that.
I think if you’ve been unhappy with your wardrobe to the point where you’ve brought it up in two OTs, it’s time to at least hit the thrift store. Take those unwanted and unworn skirts with you! Two birds, one stone!
I’m going to a clothing swap at the beginning of May, so I’m trying to hold out til then I guess. I think the anticipation is what’s driving me crazy. Maybe I should just pick out the clothing I know I’m going to bring and put it somewhere out of sight so I don’t have to look at it for the next half a month.
Hide them (but not so well you can’t find them for the swap)!
Can you do something like have a yard sale, or sell your skirts on ebay or something? That’s what I’m considering doing to justify a wardrobe overhaul.
I have been considering selling some of the handknits that I made and then wore, like, twice.
me too! i hate buying clothes, so i never do, so now i have like two pairs of jeans that sorta fit, and two pairs of jeans that are too big, and a bunch of ancient t-shirts with holes in. but the thought of going clothes shopping makes me feel sad and overwhelmed so it’s not gonna happen until it absolutely has to.
Same here. I have so many clothes that are years old and faded and baggy, and other things that just don’t fit that well or are unflattering (and I desperately need more than one pair of non-work trousers) but I just hate clothes shopping so much. Ugh.
Me too! I got rid of a ton of stuff I don’t wear in December when I thought I was going to move cross-country, and now I only own stuff I do wear but…not enough of it. But, I’m also losing weight and I don’t want to buy pants and things that will (hopefully) be too big in six months. So. *sulk*
Look, all I want is to win the lottery so I can buy all the dapper clothes, queer femme clothes, sex toys, and my dream house down the street that I just noticed yesterday is going up for sale. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
God, it’s almost as if being a reasonably decent person doesn’t entitle me to exorbitant wealth.
ARE YOU ME because yes to all of this.
Maybe? You seem pretty cool, so you might be me.
I’ve found that throwing everything you hate/know you won’t wear again into a trash bag and putting it out of sight is a good stop-gap measure. You’ll hate your wardrobe a lot less if you’re only looking at the few pieces you want to wear. I just did this and it felt great.
Hit the thrift stores and go wild for like, 20 bucks. I shop almost exclusively at them now and I have so much good stuff. I got a legit pair of new Ralph Lauren wool trousers for $12. It was my Marge Simpson Chanel dress moment.
ORPHAN BLACK IS BACK!
I’m sure there are toasties who watch, what did you think of the first episode???
It switched nights?? I didn’t realize! *goes to watch it NOW*
Soooo excited for Orphan Black. I have a new clone theory based on one line of dialogue. It’s probably bullshit misdirection but … ok, I have to share. I’ll put some spoiler spaces in case my random head canon counts as spoilers.
SPOILER
SPOILER
NO REALLY, LAST CHANCE
So…I got this weird feeling that maybe Beth jumping on the tracks turns out to not be Beth after all. Now that this MK is in the picture, and since the clones impersonate each other all the time, what if it was MK pretending to be Beth, and Beth has been in hiding as MK ever since?
(when MK said that thing about the only reason she was alive being because everyone thought she was dead, it felt like more than a throwaway line to me.)
I’m really hoping I’m not the only person who’s brain went there. Probably misdirection, but they do get really layered with the Cloneception.
My mind went there too, partially because NO ONE on this show ever stays dead. I actually hope that’s not the case. I like that the show seems to be regrouping, returning to its roots – the conspiracy stuff was spiraling out of control.
The conspiracy stuff does get bloated, but I tend to watch mostly for Tatiana Maslany acting against Tatiana Maslany or doing like, iterations of three characters at once, so the idea of her playing Beth playing MK and vice versa immediately jumped out at me.
I think that’s probably a reasonable idea! Personally I thought MK was very intriguing so I’m hoping we learn more about her.
Last season was so much of Sarah basically just reacting to what was happening to her, so I’m hoping that the clones get to be more proactive.
It’s not a throwaway line.
This is where I recommend going over to Comixology and checking out the Orphan Black series (especially the “Rachel” issue), then the Orphan Black: Helsinki series (all of it).
I definitely thought about that.
I SO enjoyed this new episode, except maybe not the part about Art…
I also thought this! Especially because why go so deep into Beth’s story now, just to establish MK? There was so little MK in the flashback that I think maybe she and Beth swapped lives and it was her on the train tracks. Only thing holding me back from believing this is there’s no way she could’ve grown those bangs out in time to have the hair Beth has in the pilot ep.
That gave me pause too but I feel like they could handwave it away easily enough. Like: MK wears an ugly wig for disguise just like her mask, or something.
*conspiracy hat*
what if Beth couldn’t see a way out and MK was dying of that clone disease Cosima and Katja and Jennifer Americanlady had?
oooh can definitely see it
BETH FEELS.
ART/BETH FEELS.
PROTECT “MK” (NOT HER REAL NAME) 2016.
Oh, for those who didn’t watch the “After the Black”, Maslany said that MK is based on Bjork 🙂
HI BETH HI I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS EPISODE FOR *SO* LONG
I’m loving the idea of going back to basics (in theory. we’ll see how it plays out) it was so simple while setting up so much! One of the better things about this (and maybe the tragedy of it being a prequel) is that because the mythology is so much simpler here there’s some breathing room for the character work and ~feelings? It was good TV, is what I’m saying.
little things I loved: Raj’s extended cameo, Cosima’s U-haul joke, Felix’s presence.
I’m so excited to see what comes next! Gah, I’ve missed this show.
People who hate change: How do you deal with change?
I’m moving away from my home state in three weeks, and I’m handling the logistics just fine, but my heart is a fire swamp. Big changes destabilize me in a serious way, even though I know it’s the right call.
So, any coping strategies would be welcome. (Current strategy is drinking a lot and lashing out at people I love. It’s going great.) Or, stories of moving away from everything you know and how it was the best decision you ever made.
I put everyone and everything from home out of my head. Its super not healthy and annoys my mother because I can’t listen to her moan about things happening at home at all, it just makes me feel sad and useless.
1. Magnesium, a HARDCORE ENFORCED bedtime routine, wine, binge-watching Kimmy Schmidt or Community or some other extremely happy show. 2. Intentionally taking the time every day or whenever I freak out to self-narrate the last time I went through a major life change AND SURVIVED. 3. Doing something nice for someone else, just to snap myself out of the endless feedback-loop of self-focus.
Magnesium? Please elaborate!
Magnesium and zinc, really. From my own reading/study/experience, so YMMV: most people are magnesium deficient (soil depletion among other problems). Many people are zinc deficient. Both are crucial to bodily processes related to stress management, and stress tends to eat through your intake of them really quickly. I find I sleep better and am calmer and better able to handle stress when supplementing with both — magnesium every day, zinc a couple times a week. I take Natural Calm (which is mag citrate) every night before I go to bed and (correlation-causation-placebo effect blah blah) since I started doing that I almost never have that racing-thoughts thing keeping me up.
Hot damn, this is great! Thank you for sharing.
yes, THANK YOU for this. adding magnesium to my “shit to buy” list right now.
I second this! I started taking magnesium because I felt really run down, and it did seem to help. Also, Vitamin D, but I live in a gloomy part of the world so YMMV
Seconding the Natural Calm magnesium supplement advice! I’m mildly autistic and have trouble with stress management and insomnia, so I’d have trouble relaxing enough to fall asleep and stay asleep.
Recently, I was going through a particularly bad bout of insomnia and my doctor/therapist recommended adding Natural Calm to my bedtime routine. Worked like a charm! I particularly recommend the raspberry lemonade flavor 🙂
ETA: I also recommend using the Bach Rescue Remedy spray during the day. Yes, it’s homeopathic and the effect I feel could be a placebo, but I have found that it does help me manage when my general anxiety starts to spike.
I’ve made big moves a couple times, and it is always going to suck at first. I really feel like whenever I’ve moved I’ve been in a state of low-level fight-or-flight anxiety for probably the first month, at least.
That said, one of the things I really enjoyed doing when I first moved to the town where I did my Ph.D. coursework was going on long walks. They helped to orient me to the new space, and just walking and listening to music (or not listening to music) is cathartic in its own way. I also tried my very best (against all of my instincts) to say yes to every invitation that I got for the first little while. Through this, I quickly got a sense for the people I wanted to spend more time with and the places I wanted to go, and then I could be a little more discerning.
I did also drink a lot, cried in public a few times, and make lots of homesick phone calls to friends and family. Looking back, though, I’m glad I did it — I proved to myself that I could move away from my home state, that I could adapt to and make friends in a new place, and that I could live independently.
Routine is so important. Change is always hard, but less so when you have built a routine that is portable.
Shower and personal hygiene, modifiable if only a sink is available. Coffee every morning before 9, even if I have to get it at a drive-through on my way somewhere. Tea every morning between 10:30 and noon, even if I have to start calculating my options at 10:30. Lunch every day between noon and 2, to include significant protein and any available produce. Find 20 minutes, minimum, for The-Toast.net. 15 minutes of cleaning. 15 minutes of organizing. Reach out to someone who makes me feel good. Have I been supportive to another human today? If not, reach out to someone I know is struggling lately.
Add a calming bedtime routine that is portable. At 8 I wash off my makeup and pursue the book and warm beverage I will need at bedtime.
And moving across my large country, to a completely different culture, was the best thing I ever did. It’s going to be hard, but you’re going to be OK. ::Toasthugs::
i do love routine, but i’ve never self-imposed a real one (with times!) like you laid out. i’ll try it, especially since i’ll be working from home in my new place.
How to deal: Internet friends, forcing yourself to go out and do things in the new town… Not even necessarily to meet people. Just to get out (I did a lot of hiking and went to a lot of small town festivals). Don’t find excuses for being bored. Even in the most “boring” places, there are things to do (draw, walk, photography, hang out at a bar or cafe, go to sports events, etc. And don’t be afraid to do any of those by yourself!)
Story: after college, I moved to a town of about 25k people (this was actually twice as big as my hometown), where I knew exactly no one, was hours from anyone I did know, and lived by myself. I also have trouble with big life changes and it took me a WHILE to adjust (didn’t help that I had a jerkish overseas Internet boyfriend for the first few months of that).
But it was the BEST decision. My job was awesome, my apartment was awesome. I ended up becoming friends with a guy who moved in next door and his circle of friends, and they are the GREATEST and the best friends I’ve ever had. I’ve since moved again (because of non-jerkish Internet boyfriend-turned-husband), but I still talk to and see my friends from that town a lot and I’m so glad I moved to that town where I didn’t know anyone!
I moved all the way across the country from my home state and my family about a year ago and it was the BEST decision! I also really, really hate change. I ended up bringing this old, sort of crappy corkboard I had from New York to California because when I started to take the old pictures and notes off of it I started to sob. I spent pretty much the whole year leading up to the decision and move in a state of self doubt and anxiety. But now I have a job that I absolutely love, an amazing boyfriend, a great apartment. . .and my happiness is in large part due to the luck of finding those things, but I also think making the hard decision to give up everything I knew catapulted me into a better mental state overall that led to good things happening, too.
In terms of coping strategies, anything that feels comfortable and familiar that can travel is really helpful. Like others have said, binge watching familiar TV shows, maintaining a familiar routine, etc.
I definitely did the drinking a lot method, to mixed success. I also recommend adopting a policy of saying yes to social invitations, all of them, even from people who aren’t your bag. I have a tendency to treat new places as temporary and avoid putting down roots/making new friends, but it helps to build a group even if the group itself is temporary.
Salt in the wound, I suppose, to say that I did this very thing in 2005 and ended up…. well, you know where I ended up.
Got out of college, aimless, very raw from a breakup followed by what I understand now was just my (typical) avoidance behaviors — more drink, less think; nameless one-night stands; angsty karaoke; ghosting on actual friends to pursue these hobbies.
And then I moved to the new place where I didn’t know anyone except the person who interviewed me for the job, and was welcomed with open arms. Embarked on the happiest/best years of my life basically from the day I arrived there.
So, you know, maybe that’s what will happen. It’s not unprecedented.
But in case that’s not what happens. My boss pulled me aside yesterday for an intense talk, and part of that talk was about change management from a business perspective. And what he said is that you just have to expect it’ll be shitty for some amount of time, like a reverse bell curve. And maybe that time is like, the first 12 hours I lived you-know-where, before people started plying me with booze and cigarettes and immediately made me feel absolutely necessary, or maybe it’ll be like my more recent move where I just about feel like I might finally be on the upswing, four years into my new life.
The boss says to try to anticipate the bad stuff now so that it doesn’t surprise you when it happens. Have a plan for the lowpoint. Maybe just decide today that you will be in Tulum in February next year so you don’t murder anyone during the dark days.
100% terrified that Current Place will be the highlight of my life too. and what am i doing as i say goodbye? i’m ruining it by being terrible.
but yes. i’m absolutely planning for the low points. it’s going to get really bad. it’ll also be good; i’m looking forward to making new friends and finding a new niche and making new bad choices. but looking down the barrel of the transition is so exhausting. i want it to be next year already.
oh yeah “drinking a lot and lashing out at people I love” is what I was going to suggest so
“oversharing with my twitter friends” is also working out great. it’s like a whole other level of shame and regret that i never knew i had access to!
OK but seriously if someone loves you and you lash out at them that only makes them love you more because your anguish is now something you have in common
Pleeeeeeease don’t ruin this for me
if this is an invitation to continue texting feelings at you whenever they strike me, i humbly accept.
Thank you for posting this. I finish grad school and basically my job in the next three weeks and I am also dying.
Solidarity? Good luck <3
oh noooo yes that sounds scary and terrible also. good luck to you too! i’ll probably be back in later OTs to continue whining. 😉
((solidarity hug and/or fist-bump))
I actually adore picking up and moving vast distances (because I enjoy novelty actually that much), but it is still a stressful process and a whole lot of change all at once.
Things that help: stay on top of your eating and sleeping. Things are much harder to deal with when your blood sugar is in the toilet. Figure out how you are going to reestablish your routines in your new place. For me that means getting my butt into the local judo dojo asap, as it gets me my exercise routine and a new community all in one go. Find something to explore in your new place (or on the way if you are road tripping).
If the planning part is all set and you’re just driving yourself nuts, go do something new or old in your current place that you can’t do in the new place! Staying home staring at boxes doesn’t tend to be the path towards calm and relaxation in my experience because they’re just a looming reminder that the change is already happening, which is totally the worst part of moving- the part where you can’t do anything yet but you’re going to be doing things soon.
It will be okay and the new place will be okay and once you unpack a little and go to the grocery store and start to do normal life things it will be better- you are just in the thick of the suck right now, and that part won’t last forever.
a looming reminder that the change is already happening, which is totally the worst part of moving- the part where you can’t do anything yet but you’re going to be doing things soon.
naaaaaiiiillled it.
(also the entire comment is helpful; thank you!)
“People who hate change: How do you deal with change?”
I call it “pretend money” and I give it all to the first homeless person I see because otherwise it’ll just keep clanging around in my pocket until the heat death of the universe. As for the other kind of change.. have you tried drinking a lot and lashing out at people you love? That’s what I do, and it works every time in making me want to do literally anything else! So yeah, I’ve got nothing.
When my husband and I moved from California to Atlanta for his PhD, we made the road trip part of the process. We both expected to feel a lot of anxiety because CA is our home state, we’re close to our families, we had never even visited Georgia. Having a week to gradually manage our feelings rather than a daylong airport hop made a difference. It was also our first real vacation as a couple after 10 years of time off = visit your/my family. We planned a not-too touristy itinerary, dipped our toes into AirBnB for the first time, spent a lot of time just walking through Albuquerque, the painted desert, his family’s ancestral tiny town in Texas, a really lovely railway town in Arkansas, Memphis.
If you’re making the transition solo, I recommend taking the time to enjoy the process if you can. Take a ton of pictures. Write snarky or sincere twitter/blog/FB posts about your journey. Allow it to happen gradually.
OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE I MISSED A PIECE LIKE THAT MUST GO READ IMMEDIATELY!!!
ALSO: my husband got his posting so now I know where we will be moving! Now I get to sell my house ASAP and buy a new one! And I get to quit my horrible job! This is how horrible my job is: my boss knows my dad has terminal cancer and said the following: “I know how you feel. My [90-year-old!]” mom has Alzheimers and I wonder if it’s worse to lose a parent suddenly or really drawn out. At least this way you get to say goodbye. But if not then you suffer less.” IT WAS HORRIBLE.
So whatever! I’m quitting soon! It’s going to be beautiful all weekend and I’m going to work in my yard and get ice cream!
Yay for ice cream and quitting stoopit bosses!
Where are you moving to? Somewhere you’ve always wanted, I hope!
It is not! It is an even smaller town that where I live now! But I am still really happy and excited about it all!
Yayyyyyyyyy! I hope you love your new location!
I am very happy for you that you will finally be leaving that place!
Does anyone want to talk about Friday Night Lights?
I started watching it because so many Toasties said it was their favourite TV. I was so skeptical AND NOW I AM BROKEN.
I have 3 episodes left of season 5. No spoilers please. I’m going to be a bit lost when this is over.
That show made me cry SO MANY times. I mean, when an episode ended and I wasn’t crying, it was kind of notable. I love Kyle Chandler so much, thank you for using that GIF.
Constantly crying. Its all so real and relatable, which I’m really surprised by because its set in a place I’ve never been and about a sport I haven’t got a clue about.
Poor Matt Saracen, why are all the adults in his life so irresponsible!
The scene with Tyra and her mom, and he mom telling her she deserves college and a big life… yeah that snuck up on me and then I was bawling crying.
And grandma Saracen, and how the Riggins boys are just trying to live on their own, and and and.
It took several good friends whose judgement I trust to tell me that it didn’t matter that I don’t like football. The show is hardly about it!
Tim Riggins. damn
Grandma Saracen; the situation around her annoys me. And maybe its because I have no sense of familial obligation; I am so angry at all of the adults around for leaving Matt in that situation, but Matt also annoys me because he doesn’t help himself, he sends his Dad back to Iraq and takes on care of his very sick grandma and that is not ok, he’s a child! I get that his Dad is happier as a soldier, but his Dad is also an asshole and should not have put him in that situation.
It’s a legitimate anger. His father is an asshole, and that poor boy.
Is it bad that I mostly feel bad for Matt Saracen because he has to deal with Julie Taylor?
You aren’t the only one! How did Julie Taylor have the best parents on the show and still turn out that way?
THE ETERNAL QUESTION!!
Julie’s character made more sense when she was a slightly bratty teen (because you could assume she would grow out of it), but then she continued to make bad, mean life choices and never learned anything. Dammit Julie.
Yeah, this is probably my favourite show EVER. There are still eps that I go back and watch when I need to Work Through Things (ike Season 4, Episode 5 for example).
Its so real. Too real at times. I’ve been telling everyone I know to go and watch it.
Although there is a lot of relationships between adults and 16 year old high school students. If you don’t look at too hard its ok because the actors are all the same age anyway, but then you think about it and no. nnnnooooo Julie. Don’t do it girl
I adore that show. I started watching while bored and unemployed and then blew through like 3 seasons in a week. If only I could convince my partner to watch it so I have an excuse for a rewatch…
Also I watched it after working with Liz Mikel, who plays Smash Williams’ mom, and she is just the greatest in person and on the show, and every time she came on screen I was happy.
She is amazing! I really love that they didn’t go straight to stereotypes for the POC characters and their families, and I really understand where Smash and his mom are coming from!
I’ve been reading this guys episode recaps all week http://markwatches.net/reviews/2013/06/mark-watch… he really articulates a lot of my feelings on the show. Although there are times when he talks about Julie and Tami and I can see that he doesn’t get the mother/daughter relationship. I so relate to their relationship, and so many times I’ve been screaming at Tami that Julie is her own person, you don’t own her! You don’t get to decide what she does with her body! I went through a lot of similar arguments with my mother, although our family was never as good at communicating as the Taylors.
When I started it I saw that it had 5 seasons, and since the first season had 22 episodes, I assumed they all did and was so happy and settled in for a few weeks of bingeing. But no, the rest of the seasons have 13 episodes and all of a sudden I was in the middle of season 4! I am not ready for this to end.
Oh my god, we loved Mama Smash. My husband and I felt like we needed someone like her in our lives.
I love her character! I have no memory of the context, but I remember being so happy when there was a scene with her and Connie Britton cause it was so much awesome mom-ness and woman-ness in one scene.
I love Friday Night Lights so much. I SOBBED through the last episode because I was so sad it was over.
LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. I want the Taylors to be my friends, because you know they’d be totally okay with a 40+ year-old woman curling up in a ball on their couch and sobbing even after they’d been dealing with fucked-up teenagers all day.
I feel like they would welcome you with open arms and Tami would give you a big warm hug. They took in Tim riggins and buddy garrity, they’d love to adopt toasties.
I’ve never really felt like I wanted a norm family or been sad that I didn’t have one (reliable parents might have been nice at times), but the Taylor’s are amazing parents and I kind of wonder how I would have turned out in a family like that.
And since Toasties are so much less annoying than Buddy Garrity, it’s a sure thing the Taylors would take us in if we so desired!
Oh, Kyle Chandler. Such a pretty coach.
I’ve seen that actor in one or two other things since, and sorry dude, you will always be Buddy to me.
I always, always want to talk about Friday Night Lights, the best TV show of all time (except for Seinfeld). Those characters are REAL PEOPLE and I miss the hell out them.
90% of my parenting choices are driven by Tami Taylor. The other 10% by my need for sleep.
A+ parenting! Tami Taylor is awesome, even when she falls down (you do not own your daughter’s body.) She’s still brilliant. I hope one day I have a marriage like the Taylor’s!
I love this show with the passion of a million suns. My husband and I started watching it on a whim, and were just hooked. We frequently speak in FNL’s quotes now, and the only CD we listen to in our car is the soundtrack. We’re actually trying to plan a trip to Austin in the fall.
I SOBBED when it was over. And in basically every episode.
I’ve seen Explosions in the Sky in concert, and the only reason I knew who they were was because of FNL.
I still have not watched season 5 because this way I can pretend it never ended, ha!
Actually, I recorded the episodes on my Tivo when they originally aired but was too busy to watch, and then life happened and my Tivo became obsolete and I couldn’t watch them. I know they’re on Netflix, but I kind of lost momentum. It’s a terrible excuse, but at the same time, I’m not lying, I can’t bear to watch the last season knowing it’s the last one.
I had to stop after I marathoned the first season shortly after it first came out because it was Just Too Much. That first season, especially for a Texan like me, was just about the most perfect television I’d ever seen. It was so *true* and the finale filled me with all sorts of feelings of loss and nostalgia for a world full of opportunity and for the Coach Taylor I wanted but never had. I was 26 at the time, so still quite young, but not young enough where the world felt open to me like it did as a wide-eyed homecoming princess riding on the back of a truck waving to people the day before the big game and it gave me so many feels.
Adding an extra layer of intensity was I didn’t grow up with TV and never really watched it as an adult so getting absorbed in a show was a new experience. Plus I lived in Austin so their grocery store was *my* grocery store (RIP, City Market on Ben White & S 1st) and their bbq joint was my bbq joint.
Maybe someday I’ll go back and finish the series, but honestly I don’t know if I can. It’s just so intense.
The first season is quite literally perfect. In every way. Every episode I was just blown away by how brilliant it was.
For me, season 2 took a bit of a nose dive. It’s still amazing compared to every other show out there, but I feel like the whole series never quite reached the high water mark set by season 1.
It resonates with me so much, even as a foreigner, I can’t imagine how weird but amazing it must be when you’re from there!
Its also an awesome example of how a show about middle America doesn’t have to be completely white or male!
Season 2 suffered so much from the writers’ strike. And it makes me laugh how two of the characters MURDERED someone, and it’s absolutely never mentioned again.
It is a truth universally acknowledged–even by the writers and producers–that the murder was a terrible plot and best forgotten by everyone as soon as possible.
I grew up in Oklahoma, and yeah they nail that part of the country in a way that I’ve rarely seen in any media without any condescension. I also wandered away a bit after season 1, although I checked in from time to time and watched the last few episodes. (I couldn’t handle the school splitting storyline as that’s happened a bunch where I grew up and boy did it bring back some bitter memories.)
I am well past due for a rewatch. This show means the world to me.
PSA: Last I checked, Jason Street’s actor was going to star in an FNL musical as Coach http://variety.com/2015/legit/news/friday-night-l…
the more you know
Is it ok to admit that I do not understand the Tim Riggins love? Like yes, he does some decent things, but he also does so many dumb things that he’s probably one of my least favorite characters. He treated Tyra like crap, especially with the way he dumped her; he hooked up with his best friend’s girlfriend when said best friend is still in the freaking hospital after getting paralyzed and takes way too long to admit how much he screwed that up; he’s constantly drunk (like Coach’s biggest failing imo, is that he never recognizes that Tim legitimately is an alcoholic and needs someone to be an adult in Tim’s life and step up and get him help for that); and a multitude of other things I forget. I don’t know, he just looks like he never showers and smells like vomit and stale beer.
Just popping in to say that Friday Night Lights is my favorite show of ALL TIME and my mom’s best friend is related to Connie Britton!!!!!! I have been to TWO holiday dinners where she was also present and can confirm that her hair is just as radiant in person.
Toastfriends, I am asking your advice. I am having gender problems and I feel like I should talk to a therapist about them, but I am nervous about just trying to find one out of the blue. I am afraid that I will end up talking to someone who will just try to tell me that I am delusional/messed-up/should be a girl all the time.
Are there any trans/nonbinary friends who have therapist-seeking advice? I kind of don’t have anyone else to ask.
Depending on where you live/what your insurance situation is you may be able to search local therapists by specialty. A lot of therapists have “gender/sexuality” as a specialty and that’s a pretty good indication. Some cities also have entire practices that specialize in LGBT issues (I found an awesome therapist who I discussed queer stuff with this way). See if you can find any LGBT resources specific to your area; they will likely have info on good local practices or at least someone there would be able to guide you.
I’m in the central Ohio area. Do you have any suggestions for how to look for such resources? I’ve just been sitting on this for too long, and I’m not even sure where to start.
Definitely recommend the Psychology Today database listed below. Also, I found this list of Central Ohio LGBT community organizations through Google: http://multiculturalcenter.osu.edu/posts/document…
I don’t have advice, but I do have commiseration because I’ve been struggling with the exact same thing. *fistbump*
I am not trans, but I know some LGBTI organisations have lists of trustworthy health professionals. Are there any places like that where you are that you could ask for recommendations?
I don’t know, honestly. I’m pretty badly introverted and do not even know where to look for such organizations. I’m in central Ohio, so I think there must be some, but I don’t know what they’re called or how to find them. Should I try like an internet search, or is that something that might have a physical address I could try to find on Google maps or something?
I know nothing, but I would ask is there some national support organization that either might have a database of good therapists in various places (or a database of bad therapists whom you should avoid)–or perhaps if you got in touch with a national organization they could maybe steeer you in the direction of something more local? And you could do it online so you could avoid the introvert terror of the cold phone call. How about the It Gets Better people?
mainly I am here to say, good luck, a random internet stranger wishes you the best.
I too don’t have advice, just commiseration and highfives and solidarity, I guess. GO YOU! You are not delusional and you are not messed up, you are very probably awesome.
Actually, maybe my advice is: Don’t be like me, I am a bad role model; actually talk to a therapist if your brain is telling you that it might be a good and worthwhile thing to do. (All of my life advice should be: Probably don’t do whatever I just did.)
Call and check in with a therapist before you have an appointment. Make a list of questions you have, like, “Do you have experience with trans patients?” “Of those trans patients, do you have experience with nonbinary patients?”
Maybe they don’t have experience and will still be a good therapist for you, but I think their response to those questions will give you a better idea of whether or not you’d be a good match.
This tool! https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms You can filter for people with expertise in/who are welcoming of LGBT clients and issues (huh, just checked and they also have a “transgender” filter on the specializations, so that is promising). It can be a pain in the butt to do this search process, but you are awesome for taking the plunge. And don’t be afraid to ditch a therapist who you don’t like after a couple or even many appointments.
YES! I was just going to recommend the Psych Today search tool. Seconded.
Oo! This looks like just the thing. Thanks for the good suggestion, I’ll totally give this a look.
Something to keep an eye out for is the unfortunate tendency for people specializing in trans health care to act as gatekeepers and demand that patients conform to a very specific binary narrative. Depending on where you live, there may be a community organization that keeps a list of therapists to avoid for this very reason.
I don’t have therapist-seeing advice per se, but I did a quick google for central Ohio LGBT resources and found this: https://www.stonewallcolumbus.org/trans-resource-…
I hope that helps.
Not sure how helpful this will be in central Ohio, but my Midwestern city has some really helpful facebook groups that function like a combination craigslist/open thread for LGBTQ people and topics. People in the one for my area share specifically-tailored therapist recommendations all the time (e.g., “I need someone who’s informed about non-binary issues, is good with anxiety, and takes payment on a sliding scale”). Maybe there’s an online Queer Exchange for your area, or someplace not too far away? Mine is labelled “[City Name] Queer Exchange”, so if you’re anywhere near a big-ish city, you could try looking for something like that.
If you don’t want this information associated with your facebook profile, it still might be helpful to look around for local trans/non-binary organizations to ask them for therapist recommendations. I googled a little, and it looks like these folks serve Ohio: https://www.stonewallcolumbus.org/
They also have a specific page of local(ish?) resources for trans people, including a healthcare provider search tool that seems like it’s specific to trans issues (although it’s not immediately clear to me how those providers are vetted): https://www.stonewallcolumbus.org/trans-resource-…
It looks like the Ohio State University also runs a transgender-focused clinic, and their flyer says they offer referrals to mental health services: https://internalmedicine.osu.edu/diversity/transc…
Even if they’re nowhere near your part of the state, I wonder if they might have referrals to therapists in other areas?
Also, I totally second awnutts’ suggestion to call prospective providers and ask if they have experience with non-binary patients. If they have relevant experience, they might point you towards other relevant resources. If they don’t, at least you’ll be able to tell something about how receptive they’ll be to learning by how they respond.
Sorry if this is an excessive amount of words, but I hope some of it’s helpful. My non-binary partner has recently been working on finding mental health care that fits their needs, and they were pretty exhausted and disheartened before they found a provider they liked. But things are so much better now that they have! You’re doing a great thing by looking for a therapist even though it can be overwhelming, and I hope you find someone you love talking to. 🙂
Edit: Oh, looks like moniquealexandra already recommended Stonewall. Sorry, I missed it!
Toasts, I am coping with dissertation-writing-finishing by getting way into perfumes. What nice things have you smelled recently?
Inspired by a long-ago Toast discussion I purchased a sample of Serge Lutens Jeux de Peau (side note: samples are THE BEST! So much enjoyment for less than the cost of experimenting with drugstore makeup!) and it smells like crunchy toast with jam, but sophisticated. So unexpected and good! I am still figuring out what I like, but I think it’s mostly 1) warm spicy things or, completely the opposite, 2) really flowery flowers, but like in a FRESH SPRINGTIME way. Given all of that it’s somewhat improbable that the thing I love MOST at the moment is Estee Lauder Bronze Goddess, which smells like sunscreen but FANCY.
Well as a dissertator perhaps you would enjoy a book about perfumes? This is perhaps the best book ever written, and it is about perfumes. Boy howdy is it.
Oh yes indeed. Did you know Luca Turin has a new blog? https://perfumesilove.wordpress.com At every word I want to be like NEVER STOP LUCA TURIN.
oh HELL yes
YES IT IS, THAT’S WHAT IT IS
I second this rec so strongly. I cried laughing multiple times.
I’ve been searching for a perfume that smells like freshly baked bread for years now, and the top notes of Jeux de Peau are the closest I’ve been able to get so far. I also like that it smells a bit like maple syrup towards the end.
I recently got a sample of Le Labo’s Thé Noir 29, which was sweeter than I’d expected – tea with candied rose petals? But also a really dry cedar undercurrent that I personally really like.
En Passant by Frederic Malle has a note of fresh bread to it, but also lilacs. It’s weird but neat.
Oh, cool! I love the smell of lilacs as well, so that sounds right up my alley.
Have you smelled L’Artisan’s Bois Farine? It smells like peanut butter toast. Less sweet than Jeux de Peau.
I have indeed! It unfortunately mostly just smelled powdery on me, with a faint nuttiness. I do really like Osmanthe Yunnan, Poivre Samarcande and Rose Ikebana by the same nose, though.
ROSE IKEBANA, yum. It is totally fancy dish soap on me, but I don’t mind– a fine stealth scent, close to the body. Also, I love how it riffs on the green aspect of rhubarb (which is the reason I can’t get behind rhubarb in dessert).
True story: I changed up my skincare routine a while back, and got VERY confused about where the Rose Ikebana smell was coming from every morning. I thought I’d spilled a sample somewhere, tidied up, and figured it would dissipate in time.
Then, when the scent continued to reappear every morning, I thought that maybe I was being haunted by a Ghost of Perfumes Past.
Then I put two and two together and realized I’d been using a rose-scented facial soap and a citrus-scented sunscreen.
I hear you on the “fancy dish soap”, is what I’m saying!
The syrup smell is fenugreek, if you’re ever looking to replicate that.
YES good call, I have a thing of fenugreek at home, will sniff it later!
Immortelle has a syrup vibe, too– if you have a natural foods store with a good bulk section, it might be in with the herbs.
Hi I love perfume and I especially love Serge Lutens Chergui (dusty warm iris tobacco spice), Fendi Theorema (criminally discontinued, you have to watch ebay auctions like a hawk, but it’s spicy sweet Constant Comment), vintage Shalimar (heaven), and Comme des Garcons original EdP (cloves cloves cloves honey honey honey). I am irredeemable.
Ugh, I want to smell Theorema so bad, as well as vintage Shalimar. But I shouldn’t complain,as I am wearing vintage Mitsouko right now and glorying in it.
I don’t know about *vintage* Shalimar, but my family friend’s signature sent for the past ~50 years is Shalimar and she had to stop wearing it because it smelled wrong the last few times she bought it. She recently found out the formulation sold in North America now is different than the one sold in Europe (specifically, some Shalimar is made in France and some is… not?) and the French one smells like actual Shalimar. So, you might want to check it out is what I’m saying
ps. This is my first post on the-toast.net!
I smelled L’Heure Bleu in a store the other day and nearly died of loveliness, but then I saw Tania Sanchez writing that she has NOTHING GOOD TO SAY about the reformulation, which makes me wonder what it must have been like when it was GOOD?
Theorema is lovely. My holy grail is Guerlain’s Iris Ganache (no idea why something with so many sweet notes smells so nice on me) but bottles on eBay are ~ $550 rn, and I can’t justify that…
If you can find it, Oscar de la Renta Something Blue is super flowery and I love it.
I’ve gotten really picky about perfumes lately (recently returned two, actually, thank you Sephora and your lax return policy). Most of the perfumes I think I’ll like based on the notes don’t actually smell that good to me, and most of the perfumes I do like in the bottle turn into something unpleasant on my skin.
My favourites right now are Giorgio Armani Si (EDP – I don’t like the EDT at all even though they should be very similar) and Elie Saab Le Parfum L’Eau Couture (although I would never have guessed I would love a perfume with such a prominent almond note, and I hate all the other scents in the Le Parfum line).
I have been collecting Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab for almost ten years now (j e s u s) and my go-to perfume is Ossa Arida, which is vanilla-y and frankincense-y and themed on a piece of music, so how can it go wrong? I tend to really like resinous ones, as well as rose.
I’ll also buy almost anything they’ve got with honey- my long-term favourite is Bilquis, which is roses, honey, apples, and almonds and a bunch of other stuff.
I’ve never really experimented with mainstream perfume, probably because my little cabinet has more perfume than I will ever be able to wear in my life. This stuff lasts for ages…
If you like BPALs then I’d strongly suggest checking out Alkemia on etsy. their perfume The Yellow Book is a semi gourmand (rum-musk-spice) to die for.
As both a fellow BPAL fan and a fellow honey fan, if you can get your hands on a sample, Peloponnesian by Strange Invisible Perfumes is AMAZING. It is also ridiculously expensive, so I am currently hoarding the dregs of my tiny sample vial
Do you have any tips for navigating BPAL’s site? I’ve wanted to buy things from there, but every time I’ve gone I’ve gotten overwhelmed by all of the choices and not bought anything.
I recommend checking out the “Beloved Favorites” section in the side bar as a good starting point. If you already know what kind of scents you like, you can enter various notes in the search bar and it will bring up all the perfumes that are tagged as including that note. If you think something sounds nice, but you are unsure about it, you can always check the BPAL Madness forum for reviews or buy a sample (Imp’s Ears) without having to commit to a full bottle unsniffed.
Thank you!
My personal technique is searching the site for notes I like and then searching around the BPAL forum to see reviews and comparisons. It’s been forever since I bought anything from there because of shipping costs to where I am so this may be harder now (?)
AHHH our tastes are so similar! My favorite warm spicy perfume FOREVER is Kenzo Jungle L’Elephant which I call “Sexy Campfire.” And I just got a new decant from Scentbird called Indigo by NEST — such a great blend of spice and dark fruit with a really clean, fresh, green floral. It dries down so beautifully too — it could be longer-wearing but I’m stingy with my application.
And I love fancy-sunscreen perfumes!?! The first day it’s over 80 here I am dousing myself in Body Shop Grapefruit + B&BW Endless Weekend to make me miss sunbathing less. I love sunbathing so much. Skin cancer, not a fan of though.
I just wrote down Elephant in my “to try” list yesterday!
Indigo is my “want to get laid” perfume go-to! I find it soooo sexy.
Have been deeply into I Hate Perfume for yearssss. Fire from Heaven was my gateway scent, but I especially love his seaside-inspired perfumes, like At the Beach 1966.
I adore In the Library. It’s been really interesting, actually, because my first bottle of it was a little sample that my partner had had at his house for years (it had been a gift, I think, but it wasn’t right for him). It smelled remarkably like warm, well-loved books with a bit of sweetness, and I adored it. He then later bought me a full-size bottle of it, and the new bottle smelled completely different, all wood and harshness. But over the past several months, the large bottle has started to mellow, and the scent is approaching that of the smaller bottle.
I don’t know if that’s typical of oil-based scents, but it’s been really cool to follow the progression!
It’s certainly typical of wood or resin-focused scents.
I liked In the Library, but my bottle leaked, and it was not going to survive The Move.
Interesting! I usually tend toward florals or gourmands, so this was my first wood/paper-based scent. That kind of makes me want to find other similar perfumes so I can follow their development over time.
Oh man, the description of Fire from Heaven sounds amazing. Do you have any experience with using the perfume oils vs the water perfumes? I used to have a bottle of Black March, but I found that the water perfume faded so quickly.
I only had a bottle of the water perfume, but I felt like it had a lot of staying power? I mean, it definitely faded throughout the course of a day but that was a plus for me because it’s such a strong and particular scent (literally every time I put it on my nose got confused because it was all: fire nearby?) If you have the funds, it seems like you could try samples either from there or The Perfumed Court to see if the staying power is to your liking!
I like the samples I have from Ineke’s Alphabetical Collection a lot, and it is A+ for coping with or celebrating academic deadlines. (Ordered online during a break on day four of five during quals; had perfume to wear to victory party a week-ish later.)
I have this jasmine-sandalwood perfume that I bought for cheap at a health food store. It smells amazing, both flowery and spicy. http://www.amazon.com/Pacifica-Waikiki-Pikake-Per…
Oooo have you tried any of the other Pacificas? I love the idea of grocery-store perfume.
I probably smelled them all before buying this one? But no, that’s the only one I own
I have Malibu Lemon Blossom and French Lilac (the latter of which is a bit too sweet.)
Anyone with great lilac-scented perfume ideas, come at me, sis.
Pacifica Tibetan Mountain Temple was what I wanted Lutens Five O’Clock Gingimbre to be, for about 10% of the cost. This is one random internet person’s opinion, but still. They’re worth sniffing, if you can.
RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS. I was intrigued by Five O’Clock Gingrmbrbm but couldn’t find it in sample form.
I am obsessed with Jo Malone Nectarine Blossom & Honey, which is floral in a not-too-floral way. I wear it all spring and summer. And in the winter I love spicy warm scents, too! What is your favorite?
We seem to have similar taste in perfumes, and I really love Lolita Lempicka — it’s a spicy floral with licorice/vanilla notes, and it comes in the prettiest little bottle. I got the bottle that I have on sale on zulily.
Seconding! LL is one of my favorites.
Warm spicy: Serge Lutens Muscs Koublai Khan is very hit or miss to most people; it’s a hit to me. (The best summary I can give is “banging the stable boy on a fur rug in front of the fireplace in autumn.”)
For really flowery flowers, the original Juicy Couture is a shockingly competent little tuberose.
I’ve been on a no-buy for nearly two years now, because broke, but I continue to enjoy shopping in my scent drawer.
My favorite bottled scents tend to be greens, with some chypres and dry woods, but there are some (less-smoky) incense fragrances that I love, too– Diptyque’s L’Eau Trois, L’Artisan’s Passage d’Enfer, Heeley Cardinal.
My favorite Lutens is Iris Silver Mist, but I am a glutton for iris in many forms. Eau d’Italie makes Sienne l’Hiver, which is iris, wet stone, and crushed olives, and I would wear it to a meeting with a potential housemate: if they find it off-putting, it’s a pretty good signal that we’re not compatibly weird.
I used to go sniffing in San Francisco twice a year with a friend– we’d start at Barney’s (which had the highest density of stuff we wanted to smell), wind our way down Maiden Lane, and finish up at Saks if we had any unsprayed skin yet. We took and compared notes all the while– we had overlapping but not identical tastes. Sometimes we had an agenda that involved purchasing. More often, it was more like, “I’ve dabbed this on from a sample vial but have no idea how it smells when sprayed onto my skin.” (Sometimes that matters– Lutens Chene smells very different to me dabbed from sprayed– and I’d rather not buy a thing till I’ve tried both application methods.)
I haven’t gone sniffing during my no-buy, and I miss it.
This is to say, I am here for all fragrance-related nerdery.
Experienced sniffer, how do you handle being approached by salespeople in department stores? Do you just…NOT die of social anxiety? Is there a script?
Iris is indeed wonderful.
So, not being alone helped.
Also helpful: approaching the entire event as something I was going in character, masquerading as an extrovert.
Also helpful: nerding out and taking notes. Sales associates who were into that would shift into nerd mode, and then interacting was fun. (“Whoa, ambrette smells like warm cozy hamster body on you! I’ve never smelled it doing that before. You have to get this [Delrae Mythique, if you’re curious], because you will never run into someone wearing the same thing.”) Sales associates who were not into talking about the awesomeness of mastic, or how criminal the reformulation of Chanel No. 19 was, glazed over, backed away slowly, and left us alone.
Honestly, the rise of perfume blogging has made going on sniffathons way more pleasant, in my experience. Salespeople are likelier to assume you’re writing about whatever you’re checking out, and thus likelier to take your cues about how much attention / space you’d like than they were 15 years ago.
WHO IS NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT MASTIC THO
MY PEOPLE
*falls backwards, Creed arms, into a sea of haterz*
Not at all recent, but I have always loved sandalwood. I really wish it were easier to find in candles and perfume. (disclaimer: I don’t wear that much perfume, so maybe you all have recs?)
A friend swears by Ava Luxe Royal Parvati. It’s rich, almost coconutty on my skin.
You might check out Basenotes. They have threads that are “tours,” if you will, of particular fragrance categories. When I was exploring vetiver some years back, I found their discussion of vetiver scents currently in production (no point in getting hooked on something discontinued!) to be super-helpful.
ooh, now there is a rabbit hole I will fall down post-haste. This whole thread is fascinating and enlightening. Well done, Toasts.
My little sister writes a blog (spordically updated, but very well written) on perfume. You might find it interesing:
http://essencesandreveries.blogspot.com/
Thank you for the link! Bookmarked.
First of all, can I just say again how much you Toasties are my people? It continues to amaze me that I am able to scroll down thousands of comments and see shared interests/opinions/nerdery in so many. I have opened threads simply to see if someone would respond by referring to a book or article I had free-associated, and have been proven right!
I also avoid work by reading about perfumes. I usually go home to the U.S. about twice a year, and order myself about 3-4 perfume samples to arrive at my aunt’s house before I get there. I always tell myself that I will pick a fragrance and purchase a full-sized bottle the next time around, but it hasn’t happened yet. And then while in India, I wear traditional roll-on perfume oil, around 300 rupees a pop, and easy to take anywhere. I revel in the novelty of slowly using up my samples. Occasionally the cat manages to destroy the glass vial before I do. Not sure if this cycle of obsession, delusion, and delay makes sense… but here we are.
This time, I am thinking of trying the Comme des Garcons Series 3 Incense series (they have essentially created 5 scents inspired by major world religions). Has anyone tried Jaisalmer, Avignon, Ouarzazate, or Zagorsk? I love spicy, woody, and rose notes.
Zagorsk is the one I was really excited about– pine is my friend, whereas I find straight-up smoky church incense like Avignon harder to wear. But it did a disappearing act on my skin. Like, not even two hours. I am disappoint.
If you like spicy and you like CdG, you might also investigate Harissa. Put some unscented lotion under it– if you’ve got any difficulty with eugenol / clove oil, it will sting otherwise. It’s polarizing, but I find it delicious– a rare savory, as opposed to sweet, spice bomb.
I just wanted to say how much I agree with your comment! This kind of thing is why I love The Toast. There’s always at least one other person who shares any of my interests and it’s like everything I love to read/talk about in one place.
Friends I have just finished writing a new play and it is…it’s okay, I think? There’s some strong bones in there and I guess it needs to be edited, but the more I think about how to edit it the more it ends up feeling like I’m just rewriting an old Caryl Churchill play.
(Which, obviously there are worse playwrights to copy, but still.)
I have been having existential dread ever since I had a falling out with the person that I usually trust to read my work. I have been at sea lately and I don’t like the feeling of it.
Snaps for Caryl Churchill!
Caryl Churchill is a true hero and I wish they would do her work more often in Philadelphia, where I live, instead of Sarah Kane all the time.
MY CONDOLENCES, especially given the imbalance in quantity – I hold my tongue regarding quality – by those ladies. (Also, programmers, a play by a lady does not automatically fill the void left by not doing another lady’s play, it’s 2016 now.).
So, come to New York next time there’s one on! Which does not happen nearly enough.
Giving or getting feedback on writing projects is such a bafflingly contentious project. I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week in connection with how my writing group seems to yell at each other a lot even though we’re pretty civil people normally.
yeah well I mean I am probably not such a hotshot writer by any stretch of the imagination, but when a person real close to you is like, “actually your writing isn’t that good and people have just been letting you get away with mediocre work, but you could maybe improve it if you went to therapy”, that’s not…a recipe for helpful criticism, I have found.
Ouch.
Why would anyone say that?
Wishing I had something wise or funny to say to mitigate how it feels just to hear this vicariously…
yeah and I am not one of the sorts of people with a plethora of friends to rely on, I basically have like, A friend and then hoops of iron &c and so I have just been reeling from this since November.
It’s a bad scene! But at least the bad feelings have impelled me to get some work done, if out of nothing other than spite, which is as good a reason as any I think.
Oh man, I need to cultivate my vengeance productivity, that would actually be Very Useful. Also tho, I am sorry about your bad friend.
thinking back on it, I am not sure that I haven’t done most of my best work out of spite!
Spite can be useful sometimes. I’m still looking for the perfect frame for this so I can hang it up by my desk.
thanks though
🙁 🙁 🙁
Yikes, that’s awful. I’m sorry. I would…definitely also dwell on that involuntarily for a really long time.
I’ve found the people on the Toast writing group to be really good at giving encouraging feedback that is also helpfully critical. It’s also congenial but professional. You should drop in sometime!
oh yeah I forgot I was signed up for that!!!!
Tell me more of this “Toast writing group” of which you speak.
It’s a group on Slack where we share and comment on short pieces of fiction we’ve been working on. I can invite you to join if you’re interested. It’s pretty low-key and everyone’s very friendly (I mean, we’re all Toasties, so). If you want you can just send me your email address and I’ll add you to the group ([email protected]).
haha, I forgot I was signed up AND how to go to there, oops.
It’s toasties.slack.com
Toasties! Unrelated to breakups, I’m an English teacher. What Toast articles would you recommend for use in classes? Good articles would be:
-Not very pop culture related and too America-centric
-Not super long
-Interesting to multiple genders
Any suggestions?
To clarify, are you teaching English Literature, or are you teaching English language to people for whom it’s not a native language?
English language to non-native speakers
Are the Jaya Catches Up articles too America/pop culture-y? It could be kind of neat to introduce non-native speakers to classic English language books.
Some of the personal essays might work. Perhaps ones about adoption or similar transnational issues? There’s been some about not speaking Spanish, about travel, there was a great one recently about someone’s grandmother. Then you could make all your students write about their own grandmothers.
It might lean in the direction of pop culture, but maybe there are some “Signs You’re In A _____” that focus on writers and genres that would be familiar to your students? Same deal could work with Mallory’s Children’s Stories Made Horrifying, like maybe some of the fairy tales that have an international presence.
I am submitting my albatross of a PhD thesis in a little under two weeks, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH. Send calming gifs, please!
Cat hugs! <3
Aaah the little nose wiggle!
YAY YOU! Here, have a gif of Sally Ride inspiring people to go into space!
this gif…makes me very worried
perhaps I am too literal
Wheeee!
Talk to me about maternity clothes. When did you start buying them? Did they last through the entire pregnancy, or did you have to buy more when you got bigger? What about bras?
I’m 13 weeks, and I was an F cup before I got pregnant. I think I need a new bra, but I don’t really want to go through buying one more than I have to.
This is one of those, different strokes for different folks kinds of issues. First baby, I was able to get away with leggings plus tunics (which were in fashion) for a LONG while. Then at around 7 months mark got a few maternity items. I was lucky and it is was summer AND I didn’t have to appear professional anywhere. I bought two maternity dresses for conferences.
Second baby, totally different scenario. Shape shifted so couldn’t wear ANYTHING by month 3. Had to do multple rounds of maternity clothes shopping (used and borrowed stuff as well)
Bras I would say are very variable. First pregnancy I went thru 3 different cycles of bra buying, which was RIDIC. Second pregnany bought a couple VERY good, unwired, stretchy nursing type bras which I wore throughout. Blanking on the name, but they were like a thick band, looked slightly medical BUT JESUS THEY WERE COMFORTABLE.
Sigh, so much bra buying. I’ll keep an eye out for bras that look stretchy and durable. Thanks.
I am glad about summer, because most of my dresses should last me a while. But also, I’m going to have to figure out the chub rub situation
Around 15 weeks or so? It depends a lot on your body shape and comfort level, ie your pants might still fit but not be comfortable for a long time.
In my experience they don’t tend to last through the whole pregnancy unless they’re *really* stretchy. The ones that look cute at 25 weeks look like doll clothes by 37 weeks.
I mean by 37 weeks you’re a hero if you get dressed at all imo.
15 weeks is what i was thinking, but I will be busy/out of town. So it’s either tomorrow or a month from now, and I guess it should probably be tomorrow that I at least start buying stuff
SORRY ABOUT YOUR BRA SITUATION. It only gets worse!
I mean, uh. I was an FF/G pre-pregnancy, and went up a cup size and then a band size by the end of the first trimester. Some of my bras were already roomy or stretchy, so I just used band extenders (highly recommend, btw!) for the ones that still fit okay, and bought a larger cheap bra on ebay and a couple slightly less cheap at Nordstrom Rack. Currently 25 weeks and waffling over buying another bra or just waiting to see how terrible things get in the third trimester.
Stupid boobs. But I’ll take a look at Nordstrom Rack this weekend and see what they have
Oh, I did buy a pair of maternity jeggings right at the end of my first trimester, when my favorite jeans still fit. I wasn’t sure how I felt about them at the time, but two weeks later NONE of my jeans would button comfortably, and now I wear the maternity jeggings all the time. Mostly I’ve been buying a piece of clothing at a time about a week or two before whatever it’s replacing stops fitting completely? My biggest problem has actually been finding t-shirts that fit, are comfy, and aren’t see-through. Thanks, women’s clothing manufacturers.
piecemeal seems reasonable. And I guess this is my excuse to try out jeggings. If not when I’m pregnant, then when?
I bought new sports bras right away, and then sometime in the mid-late second tri my boobs had another growth spurt and I really had to bite the bullet and buy new real bras. (I got 2 from Aerie as they are affordable and have extended/more sizing. I went from 34C to 36DD). I wore them through the end and after initial further size growth from breastfeeding, I am back to my pregnant bra size.
For clothes, I would say probably around 13-15 weeks? I wasn’t showing but was thicker around the waist, so I wore a pair of shorts and jeans with the elastic waistband, rather than full panel. Around 17 weeks I did my main shopping for shirts (just a bunch of tees/sweaters from Old Navy — the kind that are fitted with the rushing on sides — I don’t work out of the home so I went whole time with casual clothes), supplemented with 1 or 2 flowy non-mat tops I already had (those I grew out of fast). I wore the same shirts through the end of my pregnancy, but that really is going to be different for everyone (and if pregnancy were, say, 4-5 weeks longer at same growth rate I think I would have sized out.) They just got a little shorter but still fit well. I was all bump.
For pants I basically only wore BeMaternity full panel leggings from Target. Those I also never needed to size up in, I just slowly filled out the panel.THEY ARE AMAZING and I still wear them 2 months PP.
If it will be another month before you can shop, I’d get some things now just in case, plus you will be more comfortable. I started to show for real around 18 weeks and after that it went quick! (Growth is IME especially fast in the third tri).
Good luck and congrats!
Oh man, I gave up on sports bras immediately. Maybe I should look for a bigger one, though. If only to lounge around in on the weekends.
Thanks!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I made it through to eight months by wearing pants with a stretchy waistband, then had to move to maternity pants. It really depends on how your belly decides to distribute itself.
I heartily agree with the use of bra extenders and with bras with stretchy cups. If you have a bra store where you live, they might be able to help you find some. If not, you might try the Anita brand, which seems to have a good selection on Amazon.
The biggest maternity clothes problem for me has been low quality, since I have a professional job. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on clothes I may not wear again; almost none of the clothes from my first pregnancy still fit due to expanded ribcage. Wearing regular clothes in larger sizes just makes me look sloppy, mostly. So far the best balance of quality/value I have found is Loft.
I had to buy maternity clothes really early, like 12 weeks, I want to say. And then I definitely had to buy another round in the third trimester. Like, the jeans with the stretchy waistband are cool for a while, but then you really need pants that go up and over the whole stomach. I bought this dress in 3 colors and it lasted almost the whole way, amazingly – AND you can wear it post-pregnancy, too: http://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/womens-dresses/jers….
Thanks, I think I’m coming to terms with multiple shopping trips. I’m definitely a fan of finding one thing that fits and buying it in all the colors, though. Makes it all a bit easier.
Amazon. Find something that works and buy in every color!
I’m 15 weeks and by about 9 weeks my boobs had grown enough and hurt enough that I went out and bought new bras, which I’m not sorry about at all since they dramatically improved my comfort levels. (Also my old bras were on their last legs and very much in need of replacing anyways, and my high impact sports bras were unwearable) Two new bras and life is much better. I’m also already in maternity jeans because I can wear jeans to work. Mine are full panel but I have been scrunching the panel down for the time being. I am very comfy and would absolutely recommend buying enough to be comfy now if your budget can manage. Pregnancy has enough discomforts that I am a fan of solving the ones that have simple solutions.
Honestly, it all depends on the person and the pregnancy. Almost as soon as I was pregnant I had this issue with THINGS TOUCHING MY SKIN and it drove me nuts so I was buying a few pieces of regular clothing a size or two bigger than normal even though that stuff still fit but felt ungodly awful (this was rather smart because it meant I did have a few things to wear after I’d given birth). I bought a lot of maternity stuff on Zulily because I didn’t want to pay an arm and a leg for it. Some was great, some not so much but I never spent a ton so it evened itself out. Also, Maternity leggings are a thing of great beauty and comfort!
I also had a thing about underwires which, until being pregnant I swore by. I then proceeded to buy every single no wire bra from Target (and hated all of them. Why would they not put an underwire in but then have a huge pointy piece of plastic that continually jabs you under your arm????). I spent a lot of money on bras before I broke down shortly after my kid’s birth and purchased 4 nursing bras (2 in 2 different styles) from Motherhood. “It’s so expensive!” I kept telling myself. And yet once I had them, those were the bras I wore everyday for a year while I was nursing. It was worth it.
tl;dr It’s different for everyone, I would recommend buying as you go and if you intend on nursing, spend some bucks on super comfy nursing bras and you will be relatively happy for a fair length of time. GOOD LUCK!
I strongly recommend going somewhere that will actually fit you for bras. I struggled with bras, especially in my 3rd trimester and while breastfeeding, and tried finding stuff for myself that fit but it was a disaster. I finally went to a place that specialized in breastfeeding supplies and got fitted and it made such a difference. Big department stores will often provide bra fitting service, too.
For clothes in the early months, you can sometimes get away with a belly band that goes over your pants and helps hold them up even if they’re unbuttoned (or unzipped a little). For later months, I ended up getting a few pairs of black pants and just wore them over and over again. Target and Old Navy have good selections. I also liked Destination Maternity for slightly fancier (and slightly more expensive) stuff.
And get stuff you like because your body changes after pregnancy and you might be wearing some of that stuff even after the baby is here. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything…
O Toastfriends, I’m having career-related emotions today, and I feel safe sharing here. Feels in the reply!
It’s my last day at this job–and on this career path. I’m quitting not just the company (BioWare), but the industry (video games) and the entire tech sector (byyyyyyye). I’m moving across the continent on my own dime, back to my hometown, without a job or even a lead because I’m not sure what I want to do next except something in volunteering or community activism. The opposite of what I’ve been doing for the last 20 years, or so it feels like right now.
Am I making the right decision? I believe so. I’ve had a good run in games: worked on some of the best-known and most-loved franchises, met amaaaaazing people who are now dear friends, and helped make the cultural landscape a little bit better from my presence, especially as a female developer. I’m not getting any younger, and this industry so, so, so takes a toll. I want to do something else, and I’m ready for it.
Still. I’m scared and excited. I’m worried and relieved. I can’t wait to go, and I’m dreading all the logistics required to go. This will be my fourth career change–and much more than my fourth relocation because games make you move around so much, chasing jobs–but it’s still a lot to process, and I’m doing all the stuff by myself, and I’m tired and fumbling and hopeful and IDEK.
But! I’m glad I finally signed up for a commenting account. I love this website and this community. Toast is best. Thanks for being here, whether you knew it or not, while I was making the decision to quit and then actually doing it. And thanks for listening. <3
I have a friend in the games industry and he has moved something like 4 times in the last 7 years or so. On the plus side, he gives us reason to travel for visits!
This is an exciting time for you!
The moving is suuuuuuch bullshit and awful. I have an apartment full of patched-together IKEA furniture because why bother getting better stuff if you’re just gonna move and probably see it broken?
I’m trying to be excited, thank you!
I’m not sure what you did at BioWare, but I still want to thank you for being involved in some of my most favorite games ever. I also wish you the best in what you do next, whatever that may be!
ETA: I also want to ask you all the questions about whether Andromeda will be as problematic as it seems like it might be, but I won’t because self control is a thing I’m working on.
Thank you for your kind words! I was (oh god past tense) an editor: I worked with writers and designers to make all the writing better–from dialogue to creature names to codex entries to error messages and oh, so much more–and then get it off for voiceover recording and/or localization. The editing team being a central service, I got to work on all the games at the same time, which was exhausting but also awesome.
And, yeah, I can’t say anything about Andromeda, and I appreciate you knowing that! If only all fans did. 🙁
Having someone say THAT IS SO COOL about the life you’re leaving behind probably isn’t too helpful, but THAT IS SO COOL. The corollary to that is that you were successful in a really challenging industry, so I’m sure you’ll be great at whatever the next thing is. I’m looking to change industries (or move into a lateral one) right now too and it’s crazy hard to wrap your head around. Good luck! You’ll be fine!
Thanks! Good luck to you, too! (It does feel cool, even now, I have to admit. I have Star Wars credits, ffs.)
If you made the writing better, you are definitely my favorite person. The writing and humor in Bioware games is my favorite part. So thank you again.
You’re welcome, and thank you! I did my part, but it’s always the writers doing the hard work. I just help. 🙂
As others have said, thank you so much for helping to make awesome things at BioWare even better, and good luck with whatever comes next. 🙂 Urg, life changes are hard!
Good luck to you! And Toast hugs!
Huuuuugs, thank you.
Congratulations on making an important decision!
I’d also like to thank you for your previous work. BioWare is responsible for my absolute favorite game franchise ever, so thank you for bringing light and joy to my life!
Thank you! I’m glad we could shower you with light and joy and also probably tears and heartbreak amirite.
Mass Effect 3 made me weep real, genuine tears three separate times, so yes that too.
So many tears and just a couple rage quits (also in tears).
“Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”
*sobs quietly in the corner forever*
Awwwww yisssss gif hug
This is so exciting! I’m so proud of you for figuring out and taking steps to make such a big change in your life. It’s easy to become paralyzed by stuff like this. You can toootally do it and you will do great. I’m sure you have many exciting things that will happen to you coming up!!!
Thank you! That’s what I’m hoping for, too!
I want to run a TinyLetter concept by y’all– one where I’d be asking for your participation.
One thing I love about Open Thread is the recipe threads that get started– answers to questions like “what do I do with a lot of lentils” or “what are some protein-heavy recipes” or “what’s a good cake to bake,” to name a few recent ones. The answers are always great, whether they’re links or written-out recipes or just dish concepts. The problem is that I can never find these threads again after the fact– I try to copy and bookmark recipes as they’re posted, but that can be difficult if I’m at work or on my phone.
So I was thinking it would be fun to start a TinyLetter, where each week (or t time interval) I send out a culinary question that people can respond to through TinyLetter, and then the next week publish people’s responses (edited lightly for format and clarity) as well as another question to chew on, and so forth. So kind of the same as Open Thread, but then there would be easily accessible archives. Would you be interested in something like that? Suggestions, modifications? Or is it a bad idea? I’ve never done a TinyLetter before.
I would subscribe to that!
YES!! I still have half formed plans for a food blog that’s a little like that – I’d love to take part
I’ve never even heard of TinyLetter (I don’t think) but I like this!
Oooooooh! That’s a neat idea! I’ve never used TinyLetter, but I like the idea of having an easily searchable database of what the Toast collective thinks about different food things.
Yes please!
Sure!
That sounds great; I would absolutely do something like that.
Yes, I would love this!
That sounds like a good idea! Make certain to archive all newsletters in a public place though, so everybody can go dig through the recipes again.
I’m so pleased people are responding positively to this! Here’s the sign-up link– I’ve got a little test email written up to try out the reply feature and archiving on TinyLetter. http://tinyletter.com/spaghettidinner
I’m going on vacation next week, but if the test goes well, I’ll try to send out a first letter on May 2
Hooray! We’ve signed up. 🙂
I was just coming back to ask if you’d started it yet because it had been AN HOUR since I up voted your post, and I am so delighted.
And I just got the first letter! And I replied back, not because everyone and their mother needs my recipe, for FOR SCIENCE to make sure everything is running like a well-oiled machine.
Seems like replies are working! Thanks for testing, you rule. (And the point of this is that of course everyone and their mother would like to hear your recipe, so don’t feel shy about sharing after the testing phase concludes 🙂 )
I’d be really interested in this, I’m using TinyLetter to send things to a small group of friends and loving it.
This is a great idea!
I’m totally in!!
Happy Friday, Toasties! What music is giving you life right now?
I can’t stop listening to Dessa. I don’t even have words for her – it’s like a lot of my favorite music got put in a blender and it’s magical. Hip hop, EDM, piano ballads… Ahhhh. And she’s a very smart nerd with all kinds of references in her lyrics that are delightful.
Here’s “Fighting Fish” http://dessa.bandcamp.com/track/fighting-fish
“I didn’t come looking for love
I didn’t come to pick a fight
I come here every night to work
and you can grab an axe, man,
or you can step aside”
DESSA. <3
Dutch is probably still my favorite of hers.
I checked her out in the first place because I saw her lyric about the Chicago Manual of Style on Twitter. Made me very happy.
Dutch is my jam.
DESSA DESSA DESSA DESSA YES.
She gives me life all the time.
I think my favorite (hard choice to make…) would be…. hmmm…. Matches to Paper Dolls. Although I think the entire album (A Badly Broken Code) is literally perfect and the best album ever made.
Besides her, I’m spending my Friday getting pumped up on my Pandora station that I’ve titled Teenage Boy Music, which includes such musical gems as Papa Roach’s Last Resort.
Dessa is so, so great! I’ve definitely listened to Dixon’s Girl on a loop for hours. Multiple times.
I have finally surrendered to the siren song of Carly Rae Jepsen and bought E*MO*TION on iTunes. I’m enjoying it a lot, especially “Run Away With Me” and “Boy Problems.”
E*MO*TION. <heart eyes emoji> Just that opening sax is magical.
YES. I love “A Badly Broken Code” but haven’t bought any of her other albums. Which do you most recommend?
In my typical fashion, I’m still obsessing over a few songs from Parts of Speech and haven’t even managed to move on to the rest yet. Bought all 3 though and saved Doomtree to Spotify. Can’t wait to keep listening.
I’ll check that one out next, then. Thanks!
Seconding Parts of Speech! Castor, The Twin is remixes of tracks from A Badly Broken Code, some of which I like better than the originals; of the Doomtree albums, I think I like All Hands the best, but then again Doomtree has “The Wren,” so.
Desssssa. My queen.
She did Veteran with Doomtree and I swear that song’s been my main jam ever since I left the service.
Everything Rhiannon Giddens has ever sung is like my jam this week. In that if I were a toast sandwich she’d be glueing me together. She is just perfectttttt, especially with some fiddle or banjo chucked in.
THIS! Her voice is incredible and she seems like such a badass woman.
I got into Glass Animals which is good chill music. Does anyone know of other similar breathy, kinds of sexy sounding bands?
I don’t really listen to anything similar, but I recently got into Glass Animals, too! They’re just so soothing and interesting. I guess they remind me a liiiiiittle bit of The Shins, but that’s sort of a stretch.
(Edit: Re-listened to an actual Shins song. It’s a pretty big stretch.)
Dessaaaaaa! I’m making a vid to Dixon’s Girl this weekend (hoping to have it ready in time for the WisCon premieres show) and I’ve been listening to Doomtree nonstop for…about the past three months? (I saw her last summer and “Fighting Fish” live is…magical.)
Dessa <3 so much love for Dessa.
Not a particular artist, but I just discovered http://radiooooo.com/ and it’s FUN. I’m listening to the 1970s Cambodia station right now and it just played back to back covers of “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” and “It’s Too Late.” goooood stuff.
Dessa is everything. I love Parts of Speech, but A Badly Broken Code is still my favorite. I was going to start listing my favorites, but I was just listing everything on the album. Mineshaft II has helped me through breakups, Dutch is a personal anthem, The Bullpen is how I steel myself when work is hard (“check me out / now I got glass floors”), and on and on.
She’s also complete magic live, solo and with Doomtree.
I am seeing Dessa for free tonight and I am so excited!!!!!!
In a different genre but also with compelling lyrics, I recently became really fond of Julia Nunes. I think “Odd” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iIsTDGe1bs) and “Nothing’s That Great” (not a super-clear recording, and the song begins at about 0:20: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF11XH6P7gw) are especially cute, and “All the Same” is pretty (lovingly?) cutting to a certain kind of person.
FURIOUSLY COSIGN THE DESSA LOVE!! THAT WHOLE ALBUM IS GREAT. If you like DESSA you might like Lil Simz!
We moved last weekend! It was as painless as any move can be, and we’re all settled in with just a few tasks remaining like putting up artwork/framed photographs (like my kickass David Bowie paintings.
There are so many improvements over our previous apartment that I feel like an Ancien Régime aristocrat. You mean I don’t have to wash dishes by hand because there’s a brand-new dishwasher in the kitchen?* I can go outside without actually leaving home because I finally have a balcony? I can choose where to pee because there are two bathrooms in this place? Floor-to-ceiling windows with a view of Parliament Hill? What is this life of degenerate luxury I’m living now?? It’s so great that I am even reconciled to the sharp reduction in closet space which is jeopardizing my plan to acquire 13804 sundresses this summer.
(*I can’t lie to The Toast, I haven’t washed the dishes in many a moon because I always made my husband do it. But hey, now he doesn’t have to either!)
I don’t know if it’s post-move euphoria or the B12 supplements I started taking on my doctor’s orders but this has been a great week of actually sleeping through the night! and having more energy! and generally being in a better mood! My makeup is on point, I’m knocking back homemade fruit smoothies every day, even work has been less of a shitshow lately. Life is pretty sweet right now!
The only fly in my ointment is that I still haven’t heard back from the HR person at that job I (probably??) got turned down for. Said HR person emailed me last week to say I’m in “a pool of partially qualified candidates” because I don’t meet the language requirements, except I do and had sent her my language test results attesting to this back in January. I emailed her back the same day asking her to clarify and with another copy of my results. No reply. I emailed her a ~gentle reminder~ yesterday (didn’t actually use that term because I am not a monster). It’s one thing to be turned down for a job because other candidates are more qualified, but it’s extremely worrisome that this HR person doesn’t seem to be aware of what my qualifications are.
Omg where do you LIVE a PALACE???
Okay, well, other than the job sitch, may I just say:
wait what Parliament Hill? Are you in HAMPSTEAD? Or even HIGHGATE? Are you a PROPERTY WIZARD?
Happy Friday Toast! I wrote in a few weeks about asking for advice on how to broach the topic of future possible polyamory/flexible monogamy with my partner in advance of us getting engaged. You all gave wonderful advice for that and for my related issue of wanting to ask him to get a vasectomy. Well, I am a procrastinating procrastinator, so I only broached the ‘lesser’ of the two issues – the vasectomy – the other night. I was expecting that to be NBD, or for any negative reaction to be related to a specific issue with surgery and general, but he actually was pretty thrown by the idea. He wasn’t a dick about it of course (he is congenitally incapable of being a dick about anything, one of the reasons I want to marry him) but he said he really wasn’t sure if he could do it. I asked if that meant he actually *does* want to have kids, because if so,we’d need to Have a Talk (I don’t want kids). But he says it’s not that, it’s just a kind of instinctive negative response. He’s doing some research and promises to really think about it. He said ‘I’m disappointed in myself that my initial reaction is so conservative’ and definitely wants to examine his own assumptions.
Obviously I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to have a vasectomy – bodily autonomy! But I am concerned that he may not be on the same page as me in terms of ‘unconventional’ thinking. I wonder if he’s ok with the idea of polyamory in the abstract, but wouldn’t be able to deal with it in reality. I know the answer is just TALK TO HIM and I will, but I feel the need to run it by you wonderful people first!
(Responses may be delayed, but I’ll be keeping an eye on the thread and will respond to any Qs later!)
For reference: the original thread is here: http://the-toast.net/2016/02/26/cocktail-hour-ope…
About 13/14 comments down.
The fact that he’s willing to interrogate his knee-jerk reaction is a good sign! Good luck with your future conversations.
If you have any questions about the snip or the process, let me know! My husband had one like three years ago, and he talks about it all the freaking time. I can pass him any questions.
He sounds extremely thoughtful and the fact that he recognized his kneejerk response and is going to do research is a great sign!
I am about to take the first test for my A+ IT certification and I feel mildly nauseated.* Once I get this cert finished, I will be closer to getting a real IT job instead of a clerical job that expects free help desk.
Anyone else had fun taking certifications for their jorb field? The cramming is kinda brutal sometimes, no?
*it’s totally test nausea and not being six days out from having a hysteroscopy. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
oh man I started studying for A+ but dropped it after awhile. Now I have an Excel cert and I’m working on more! You are amazing for sticking with it! You can do it!
I’ve been studying using a book and I suspect I would have given up on the A+ too except I a) need it to get accepted into a great degree program and b) have literal years of experience mucking with hardware as a hobbyist. Now that I’ve done the first test, I’m probably going to throw together a Windows VM to play with so I have the config stuff straight… I mean it isn’t easy!
I hope your studying goes well, for whatever your next cert is. 😀
Let’s talk about the good things that are happening in our lives right now!
My week has been kinda meh and very stressful, but I’m trying to focus on things that make me happy (in no particular order):
1. Kimmy Schmidt season 2! TITUS <3
2. I found out I DO NOT have to take a very expensive English test! A short test that is free of charge will do.
3. I’m going out tonight! Unfortunately, the party we wanted to attend was cancelled due to fire regulations, but we’ll find something else, and I’m determined to have fun.
4. My friend, who just took her final exams this week, is hosting a dinner party tomorrow to celebrate! There will be asparagus.
5. I bought rhubarb today and will make one of my favourite cakes over the weekend.
What about you, Toasties?
Kimmy Schmidt and the fact that this monster project I’m working on is almost finished.
And that I won’t let anyone talk me out of wearing really dark lipstick to a party tonight.
Dark lipstick is the best! I’m always not-so-secretly excited when I’m going out without a significant other because I can wear my loveliest, darkest, comfiest lipsticks without having to feel bad about not kissing them. I recently bought some navy lipstick and it is my favorite makeup thing.
Where did you get your navy lipstick? I have been looking for something like that and would love to know of one that’s good 😀
It’s the Sephora Collect Rouge Cream lipstick in Private Budoir. I found it when I tried the Kat von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Echo. The Kat von D one is also pretty, but it’s a matte liquid lipstick, and I found it a little more drying than I would have liked, and it didn’t last long enough for the discomfort to be worth it. The Sephora one is a lovely shiny color, and it’s super comfortable and relatively long-lasting for a cream lipstick. I wore it out for a night of drinks and dancing and just touched up the very inner edges of my lips once. Here’s an image of the two swatched side by side. It reads quite a bit darker on my lips, but that gives you a sense of how they compare.
Good luck on finishing the project. I also have one of those, but I try not to think about it too much :/
I am escaping to Michigan for the weekend with the GF and we will sleep until noon and then sit on an empty beach and then drink some wine and and then grill out and then watch Star Wars (she just this week watched the original Trilogy for the very first time, and we will be capping it off with The Force Awakens tomorrow) and I’m not sure if you can tell but I am PRETTY HYPED to be doing all of this.
Ooohh, that sounds great, have fun!!
Thanks!
OH, and I forgot – I’m going to speak at a round table next month!! So excited!
It is almost the weekend and I am going to curl up and read all night and watch all my favorite tv from the week. It will be lovely and cozy.
Someone in my area started an LGBT bookclub meetup a few weeks ago and our first meeting is on Monday! I’ve been waiting for this for WEEKS and I’m so excited.
Sounds like a solid weekend plan. And have fun on Monday, sounds cool!
I mentioned this in another comment, but I just got accepted into one of the two grad programs I applied to!
Other things:
1. In 3 weeks I’m going up to New York and seeing my 3 best friends in the whole world who are scattered around the country, but we are meeting there to see Captain America: Civil War and I’m SO EXCITED.
2. In four weeks I am renting a car (!) and driving out to my alma mater by myself (!!) to officiate at my friends’ wedding. They met through me so they wanted me to be the one to marry them. I can’t wait to share in their happiness and I also can’t wait to spend time in my college town, an idyllic lovely place with shockingly cheap drinks.
The first part of May is just going to be SO GREAT.
These are all great things! Congratulations on getting accepted!!
I LOVE RHUBARB and also your username
1. Kimmy Schmidt 5ever, so excited, although the Husb is so strongly opposed to marathoning which dampens my excitement somewhat.
2. My dad was visiting and had to leave early which is ITSELF a bummer, but it means we have the weekend to ourselves!
3. I finished my taxes on Tuesday and only had to pay 50 or so dollars? Which was better than in previous years.
4. It is 75 degrees out right now and sunny and I am in heaven.
Thank you <3
I wish it were sunny over here! Have a great weekend, with or without bingeing!
I am feeling good and that is SO AMAZING. Have fun tonight!
Thank you! And I’m glad you’re feeling good, I hope it stays this way!
It’s spring! I’m out of my winter funk! Coincidentally everyone wants to hang out and do fun stuff all at once and I know that if I say yes to everything I want to do I’ll regret it. Scheduled introvert time!
It’s so important to take care of oneself, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job.
1. Picked a grad school
2. Only thing left to do on my thesis is naming it
3. The sun has been out all week!
Awesome things in abundance!
Ahh! Those are great things!!
I would name it Herbert.
Wednesday night I finished a 100 page comic book script. It’s the third draft and the first one that is a real story with a beginning, middle and end. It is not particularly good, but it is by far the longest and most complete thing I have made. I sent it to my friend, who is an illustrator, to see what he thinks.
Chances of this being seen by anyone else are slim, but it gives me hope about the next thing I write.
That’s so cool, congratulations on finishing a project!!
Kimmy Schmidt is going to be my reward when I finish revising my dissertation on Monday or Tuesday next week. Which is my good news: I HAVE A FINISHED DRAFT. And my director LOVES IT. (I still have a ton of revisions to make but he is exceedingly pleased with the overall work.)
That is a major accomplishment, congratulations!
1. Bought a vacuum cleaner for the first time in my life and love it very much.
2. Started Statistics School at the weekend and could understand everything even though it was all in German. This gives me much hope and excitement for starting Actual University in October.
Wait, are you in Germany??
Also, vacuuming with a new vacuum cleaner is the best.
Yes, in Berlin, and my vacuum cleaner is a Miele so +5 Integration Points for me!
Could have guessed that by your username :). Just last week, swordsnspindles and I were talking about the lack of German Toasties/Toasties in Germany, but I assured her that there were others, and here you are.
Hello Berlin person! I am shamelessly shilling for my BFF: you should check out this exhibit happening this weekend and see if you are interested! http://www.digitalinberlin.de/lacuna-lab-activati…
If you might go, let me know so I can tell you my real name 🙂
(Can’t log in on phone but this is my IntenseDebate name also)
I have also had a meh couple of weeks, but –
1. It’s supposed to be seventy degrees and sunny all weekend, AT LAST spring!
2. The Room 3 is finally out for Android (and may have been out for a while, but I just finished it last night, so good, so creepy)
3. I have New Friend plans to watch Hannibal Season 3 and play Arkham Horror this weekend
4. Coworker brought in donuts for no reason today, local bakery donuts, and the cherry danish I had turned out to be STRAWBERRY instead, what a time to be alive
Spring for the win!
I just put the final details in place for my epic “reunion tour” in the states at the beginning of May. Seeing some of my dear friends graduate, then presenting at a conference in my field and reuniting with old profs, then off to visit my long distance boyfriend for a week! I’m trying not to think about the horrific amount of money I’m spending being hotels! airports! plans!
Yeah, best not to think about the money too much, it’ll only ruin your excitement… Have fun!!
I found out this week that I got into the PhD program I applied to and for which I had previously been waitlisted. It is FULLY FUNDED and at the same college I have been attending for my MA, so it means I won’t have to move OR take on any more student loans. It’s been almost a week and still hasn’t really sunk in. (And in the meantime, I have A LOT of things to finish, so I’m trying not to let myself get too distracted.)
Congratulations!!
DANG! That is excellent!!
Allergies have defined my week (boo hiss), so the things making me happy are weekend plans. If the weather’s nice tomorrow I’m gonna take my dog to the dog park bar and watch dogs play while drinking mimosas (yay!), then Saturday I’m going to see the Invitation with a Q&A with the director after (yay!).
I hope you had fun at the dog park bar today 🙂 (I didn’t even know these existed!)
1. My (new! and first since high school!) band wrote 2 new songs this week.
2. I finally had my appointment with a psychiatrist (after 4 months) and got a prescription for Wellbutrin XL, and got through my panic attack at the appointment because I’m scared of taking anti-depressants, and started taking them. Placebo effect is going well so far.
3. Jogged 25 minutes at a time on the treadmill and thought I could do more.
4. Had to take my cat back to the emergency vet after surgery 5 weeks ago, but he doesn’t need MORE surgery, so that is a relief.
5. I have a staycation next week.
Good luck with the ongoing medication, it’s such a hard decision, and I hope it’ll continue to do you good.
thank you! I hope so too.
I finished my drawing of Superman with a popsicle on Sunday, so I pull it out and stare at now whenever I need cheering up: http://theo-winterwood.tumblr.com/post/1426052943…
That is amazing, and I think you should definitely do the webcomic!!
I finished my drawing of Superman with a popsicle on Sunday, so I pull it out and stare at now whenever I need cheering up: http://theo-winterwood.tumblr.com/post/1426052943…
1. I passed my first A+ cert test with 75 more points than I needed.
2. There are all the ingredients for wonton noodle soup in my house.
3. There are four red bean buns that literally have my husband’s name on them at the Chinese grocer, to be picked up in the morning.
4. Bravely Second came out today!!
I have no idea what red bean buns are, but they do sound delicious. And congrats on scoring so high on that test!
I am taking my hound to the dog park this weekend because it is going to be sunny and gorgeous in Southwestern Ontario.
Relatedly, dog thread!
Here is an illustration of Copper’s Nose:Self ratio:
Dog thread! Copper looks like such a good fellow. We got DNA test results back this week for our wonderful fluffs (excellent Christmas present from The Husband) and the left dog is a pit bull/australian cattle dog/australian shepherd mix, which we expected, and the right dog is supposedly a beagle/chow/rottie which does not seem at all correct. We’re just going to assume her sample got switched. But fun nonetheless!
Here’s me kissing Ruby, the new puppy we adopted last Saturday!! She’s actually around a year old, very cuddly, already house trained, not very into being alone but we’re working on it, and very curious! We think she’s a lab/Jack Russell mix but she’s basically a lab-ish super mutt <3
(hopefully this image works, it’s from Twitter)
That is a VERY GOOD dog nose.
So adorable!!!
Copper has the best nose:self ratio!
I had Statistics School on Sunday, so my boyfriend took Minie to a work barbecue. She made friends with two other dogs and they teamed up to procure grilled meats:
Also, these people create bespoke performances for pets: http://www.performancesforpets.net
And next week, they are coming round to do one for Minie. Exciting!
A plus dog nose.
Delurking to show off my pup, Hoagy who turned 6 months at the end of March.
Shameless plug, he has his own instagram @HoagyBear
Happy 6-month birthday, Hoagy! My dog also has her own instagram and is now following Hoagy (@cartoonminie).
eeee International Toast Pups! Thanks for the follow. I’ve definitely become obsessed with the world of dog instagram accounts and adjacent marketing agreements. Hoagy had a (very) minor moment of internet celebrity when he got retweeted by @dog_rates on twitter.
what a sweetie!
So many great shelter pups this week that I present to you a collage so as to not overwhelm you all.
The bottom left girl is giving me some real troubles, in that she’s amazing and I love her so much. She’s quite an old lady, so the shelter is looking for an end of life foster to keep her comfy and happy which has led me down the (unreasonable) road of “well, maybe I could have a dog for a couple months. She has less energy demands, she would be better with my schedule! She needs me!”
Adopted 2 senior Shepard-chow mixes last year (they were almost 10) and I gotta say senior dogs are the best. {Of course you know best it that really is an unreasonable road to venture down.) But mine were a fit I could not have imagined. With the exception of our daily walk and the occasional rabbit chase in the yard, they essentially have the energy demands of very large, very fluffy felines. Lot’s of snoozing in the sun, demands for tum rubs, rinse lather and repeat.
Senior dogs are honestly something I never considered but I am increasingly thinking would be a great option in the future when I have slightly more stability, but alas even the decreased energy demand of a perky yet very old (she’s 14!) dog it probably wouldn’t be an entirely responsible choice.
Um, i want a dog that is literally 90% dog nose.
My pooches were slow to come for breakfast this morning. I realized I left on the counter last night a pound of my favorite manchego cheese. No wonder they weren’t hungry…
Here’s hoping there are no unpleasant surprises to greet me this evening.
That’s an A+ nose!
Ragnar can only try to keep up.
Ragnar has such beautiful brindles. How is he settling in?
Good generally, but really needs more training! We need obedience classes and lots of practice.
He’s loosening up more and more, acting less reserved and more like a energetic puppy! The puppy craziness is probably a good sign generally – he’s not so nervous anymore – but he’s rather big, and as a shelter dog doesn’t know his manners yet (like not jumping up on people). We’ve been practicing Sit and Stay with varying success. He’s also being less shy about things like barking at our neighbors’ dogs, so I think we’re going to need some obedience classes and socialization practice. He’s otherwise a big cuddlebug in the house.
Aw, he certainly looks like a first class cuddlebug. He’s very lucky to have you to show him the ropes.
That is a Good Dog.
Yay I always miss the first page except TODAY.
Toasties, what are you happy you have accomplished so far in 2016? Not to get all #inspirational, but I thought this could be a fun topic.
I’ve got myself an excellent therapist who is doing me the world of good, after years of just sort of being passive and avoiding. And I’ve started turning down assignments that pay awful rates (I’m self-employed).
Please share!
I am happy I accomplished two things: getting photographed for the Artists Seen project at the Burchfield Penney in Buffalo and getting an article published by The Toast. Good times.
Sold our one bedroom condo and bought a three bedroom townhome! Next step: filling those empty rooms.
I broke of contact with someone who is very lovely and charming, but ultimately a) Toxic and b) a reminder of a very bad time in my life. This feels like a huge accomplishment, although it really just involved making a choice and sending an email.
That is a huge accomplishment! Goodness, that’s an incredibly difficult decision to make and you did it!
*off …
sigh
I made what is my dream job for myself and will be transitioning into it fulll-time next year! This is a big deal for me, as I’ve spend the last three years or so transitioning from what I thought I would spend my life doing into something very different. It feels awesome.
I’m training for a half marathon! Race is May 1st and I’m feeling sturdy and strong.
Also, I wore a bikini for the first time in what feels like 100 years, stretch marks and allll. It felt good and is a big step in self acceptance/love for my post children self.
I published a piece of writing, which was my New Year’s resolution (it is here if you would like to look at it) and have started SINGING with the band I joined last year. We had a gig last month and have another one tomorrow!
This was a good thing to ask about today, as I am feeling pretty terrible about other things I haven’t done so well on. Thank you!
Congrats on your therapy!! It’s such a good feeling to make progress in that area – be proud!
The thing that I (and my partner) accomplished this year was that we made our shitty apartment into a place that we actually now kinda like! When we moved in we were really upset because it all seemed like a huge mistake. But slowly, surely, we’ve managed to make a lot of changes (despite our landlord) and now it’s not so terrible and there are even things about the place I’m thankful for! Plus, our dog arrives in two weeks so that totally helps 🙂
Hurray for finding an excellent therapist!
I think my biggest achievement this year was seeing Hamilton? And not absolutely crashing from fatigue while on vacation?
I’ve had a good year, so far, but my #1 best thing is that I’m in a new relationship. And I’m counting it as an accomplishment, rather than something that has just happened.
I am in a good place. I have a steady, well-paying job and an apartment I love and an amazing dog. My mental health issues are stable, and I have figured a lot of stuff out. So this relationship is an accomplishment because i’m good for them! We have good communication skills! I want to hang out with them, but also I am not neglecting my friends! I am drawing good boundaries!
Being healthy is so great, y’all. It’s so so great.
Therapy! I got a good therapist too, it’s the BEST. And I got engaged! And I got promoted! And I joined the Toasties in London group on FB. The last three in the past fortnight, weeee.
I joined the Toasties in London group too!
What a great thread, and congrats on finding a good therapist! That can be tough sometimes.
This year I’ve painted my house cheerful colors, committed to helping out with my friend’s cute online magazine, AND this week I successfully secured an interview for a (hopefully) better position with my current employer!
working consistently to get better at art! I have no real reason to, but I enjoy it and would like to be competent. I’ve put a completed picture on my tumblr every week since…february, maybe? Goal is to do that for the whole year – even if every single picture is shitty star wars fanart, I’ll still count it as a victory.
i found a new job in the career path I want to be in. I’m terrified to start in May, and note letting that terror get the best of me is also an accomplishment, imo.
I feel like the biggest thing I’ve accomplished this year is figuring out exactly what my problem is, digging out some of the toxic baggage I’ve been carrying around in my brain and starting to chip away at it. (Wow, mixed metaphors much? Picture an old steamer trunk carried in the bottom of a ship’s cargo hold, covered in crusted salt and barnacles and icky growths. I think there might be something interesting in there, but damned if I can get it open without a lot more work.)
Yay, everyone’s replies make me happy. And reinforce what a badass group of Toasties we have here. Vive le Toast and vive its commentariat!
I learned to drive stick shift confidently! I already knew how to drive stick shift with no confidence at the end of 2015, but now I can happily drive friends to their medical appointments and sisters to the grocery store.
1. I started a pole class! I’ve always wanted to, and 2016 seems to have become my year of doing things that scare me.
2. I got a new job/role within my company which will give me more responsibility, and I’ll be traveling in the fall! I was about to lose my mind doing the same thing all day every day, so this was timed Very Well.
So, a couple weeks ago I was asking about posting links to a Kickstarter I’m tangentially involved in – I thought the campaign was going live that week, but nope, it took a while. But it’s open now, so I’m going to post.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/stevensaus/n…
It’s a speculative fiction anthology I contributed to called No Shit, There I Was. Each of the stories starts with that line. There are a bunch of great authors, and if you’re into short sf/fantsy/horror/etc., I think you might enjoy it! We’re halfway funded already, so here’s hoping.
Passing that along to my local SF nerd community, thanks!
That looks really interesting!
Can I point out that Nicole’s author bio in the Grauniad says “Nicole Cliffe is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of The Toast, a humor website for queer librarians.”?
Seems legit.
ahhhh I almost spit out my food when I read that!
Hello, The Toast! I have just gotten a job for the summer! At a library! Also yesterday was my 21st birthday, and I’m going to see the Mountain Goats on Sunday!
Woo Mountain goats!
I went to see them on Wednesday! The show was great! If the one you’re going to is anything like mine, expect a really wide range of songs. I loved it. (JD actually had trouble one time because he was digging deep into the canon and he started geeking out about chords while trying to tune his guitar properly.) (Also, this was the first time I had heard “Foreign Object” live and apparently it has joined the Pantheon Of Mountain Goats Shout-Along Songs, which I had not realized, but about which I am quite happy.)
Congrats and happy birthday!! Enjoy the Mountain Goats, he puts on a great show.
Hey I know I’m really demanding but it’s been a bit stressy here so please be kind.
In the middle of all the dissertation stuff, I had a medical freakout – turns out it’s really okay, but…
I found A Lump and totally lost my shit, then had to wait days for a doctor’s appointment. I have a fibroadenoma! It’s fine! It’s called a breast mouse!! But that was a nasty few days. My mum had a lumpectomy last year, and my grannie had breast cancer (from which she completely recovered), and the scariest thing was it was in the EXACT SAME PLACE as my mum’s LCIS and my grannie’s tumor.
I’m fine, obviously, but I am stressed to death with uni and I just want to be wrapped in the warmth of a Toast embrace, please? Love xx
Toast hugs for you, lovely. Those are all completely legitimate reasons to be stressed out, and asking for Internet support is completely reasonable. Best of luck with your dissertation!
*internet hug* oof. Glad you are OK!
Internet hug!
Man, I almost lost my mind because of an abnormal pap smear once (turned out to be a false reading) so I don’t blame you for being stressed out!
So much love to you!! Glad it was nothing to worry about, and it is almost cute that it is called a breast mouse? Happy that all is ok!
I totally feel you there, I also had a freakout over a breast mouse. Fist bump of boob freakout solidarity.
Breast Mouse!!! That is appropriately cute for very relieving news.
[hugs] The two weeks between finding a lump and the all-clear were about the worst, anxiety-wise, that I’ve ever had.
“Breast mouse” is a term I’ve never heard. I’m perplexed but kind of charmed.
Big hugs, that’s scary stuff. I just had my first mammogram, and waiting for the letter to come was so anxiety-inducing I was on the ceiling even though I had no real reason to worry, just the superstition that looking for something is the surest way to find something. I want to thank you for introducing the term “breast mouse” into my life, because next time I get one I will put Cheez-Its in my bra.
Hugs, many hugs!!! So glad that you are alright, but I hope you get some time to decompress mentally. That’s scary to deal with no matter the outcome. (Also, “breast mouse”? Who names these things??)
Hugs! I had a fibroadenoma removed, god, nearly 20 years ago now (feels old). No trouble at all and I’ve been lump-free ever since.
Oh, the warmest of all embraces to you!
(Also, breast mouse is the most adorable term for something so anxiety-inducing)
ToastHugs to you!
And you are not demanding. There is nothing wrong with asking for things! You are having a lot go on right now.
Health scares are always stressful. 🙁 I am glad it turned out to be a false alarm (and I’m with everyone who finds “breast mouse” a bizarrely cute term).
Good to hear you are in the clear! That really is The Worst. Lumpy breasts (so far benign thank goodness) seem to run in my family – I have not had a scare yet but my mom, aunt and grandma all have. Pretty sure there’s nothing that makes a week go by slower.
Hugs for you! Glad to hear you are fine, and I hope the anxiety hangover drains away soon.
As for the dissertation: May you have clear thought, may you have clear expression, and may you write like a motherfucker.
Aaaaaaaa everyone is being so lovely!
And – that is the best advice I have ever been given. Thank you.
Delurking to say I found one too when I was in college! Had no idea breast lumps could be benign and everything on the internet was all “TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY IF YOU FIND A LUMP” so I was scared as heck too, so much so that I put off making a doctor’s appt for a few days because sometimes it’s easier to do nothing at all than to face something head on.
I’ve been getting mine ultrasounded periodically for the past few years, and i think it’s actually shrunk a bit. I didn’t even know until last month it was called a fibroadenoma, much less a “breast mouse”–all my doctors kept referring to it as the lump. Much love to you, good luck on your dissertation!!
If it makes you feel any better, there is a growing belief that it’s not even useful to think of low-grade carcinomas in situ *as* cancer or to remove them.
Hi Toast, it’s been a rough week.
I got myself into a terribly awkward situation. I have known a friend for a while, and our relationship started put as sexual and then evolved into friendship once it had to be long distance.
Anyways, there were a lot of dreams and hopes and uncertainties (still are), but we decided not to be exclusive (we’re both on board with this).
But! last week I told him that I love him for the fist time, and I had to do it over Skype. He said, “I think so, too.” And then it turned out that he had another woman in the apartment while he was skyping me! So I had to sit through his getting up, hearing a female voice saying “are you okay?!” in the background, and other fallout. And so we had a serious conversation about how he is still dealing with a bunch of problems that came forth in his last relationship and how he has not loved anyone for a while… all while being distracted by the sitcom ridiculousness of it all.
Even though no agreements or promises were violated, I still felt stupid and I’m just so sad about it!
Anyways. I need internet hugs, and maybe some advice.
Oh God. *internet hugs*
His behaviour can still be hurtful without explicitly violating any agreements or promises! Even if you guys aren’t/weren’t monogamous, it seems prudent for him to say “hey, can we schedule this Skype convo to sometime when I’m alone?” You don’t invite one girl over while Skyping another one, wtf.
Yeah, it was kind of awful – he’s never done that before, too, and it was a scheduled thing. Some things were weird – like, he was wearing headphones, but I thought all the weirdness came from my agitation, and so… Sigh.
All the internet hugs to you. I had something similar happen to me not long ago (casually seeing a guy, he showed up to a party where he knew I’d be with a date) and at first I was upset and angry with myself for being upset because we weren’t exclusive and I didn’t have the right to expect that, which all just made me more upset . . .
. . . and then I realized, it doesn’t matter! Just because we hadn’t talked about being exclusive doesn’t mean it’s okay to do something that hurtful and thoughtless! I think him doing this is a potential warning sign with regards to your future relationship- not because he’s seeing other people, but because he didn’t have enough consideration for your (or her!) feelings to realize that it wasn’t an okay thing to do. The next time you talk to him, I would make it clear that you don’t appreciate what he did, and see how he responds. Whether he’s defensive or apologetic will tell you a lot about who he is as a person, I think.
His behaviour can still be hurtful without explicitly violating any agreements or promises!
This. So much this. The fact that you couldn’t anticipate and ban every single uncool thing a person might do doesn’t magically make those things cool.
I’d be more surprised if you WEREN’T sad about that! That sounds so distressing. I don’t have good advice but lots of hugs.
Toast hugs for you. What a pain.
Oh no. I’m so sorry.
You aren’t stupid. You were acting reasonably based on what you understood to be the status of your relationship with him, while he was actively withholding information from you. That is on him, not you.
I’ve been in a reading frenzy lately. I somehow read a book for three hours straight yesterday without realizing it. I guess I needed the brain candy.
So, what lovely brain candy is everyone else indulging in? I’m going to watch The Force Awakens many times this weekend (I bought that movie and I rarely buy movies).
I’m reading a book called Jane Steele that’s about a girl whose life resembles that of Jane Eyre (orphan, sent off to a terrible boarding school, presumably will become governess to a French girl with a guardian who’s hiding a wife somewhere, etc.). But instead of shouldering her load of suffering, this Jane kills the people who are making her suffer. The tagline is “Reader, I murdered him.” I’m only about 50 pages in, but I’m enjoying it so far!
I have this book on hold at the library!
I recently stumbled across a comic book series called Rat Queens, and it is so good I’ve already read it all twice! In the space of maybe a month or less! Volume 3 came out this week and I cannot believe it has taken me more than 24 hours to get to a local comic book shop and give them all my money. Most of my money. Well ok a very reasonable portion of my money, which makes me a little sad because that means more money will not buy me more Rat Queens because it doesn’t exist yet.
It’s a D&D/ LoTR style fantasy setting, with Lovecraftian undertones, and is very adult-themed and sex positive in a way I appreciate and deeply enjoy. There’s drugs and violence and swearing and you wouldn’t know it from that description but it is positively charming.
Oh and all of the main characters are ladypersons and it’s mostly a story about friendship and it will warm your goddamn heart. 10 out of 10 would definitely recommend.
[/gush]
Rat Queens is the best! For the holidays, my SO got me a dice bag with the Rat Queens symbol on it.
If you want other ladyperson friendship comics, you should also check out Lumberjanes. The tone is much lighter (it’s target audience is probably tweens, so no cursing or bloody violence), but it’s similarly focused on a group of awesome lady-types being friends and adventuring.
(Sorry to derail a bit, but Rat Queens is one of my favorite comics. Had to squee!)
Oh man, I got the Force Awakens Blu Ray about a week ago, and I’ve been going through the special features this week after work. It’s so good! My personal favorite are the animatronics/prostetics ones.
I went to Emerald City Comic Con last weekend, so I’m in a comics mood, and I’ve been running through my backlog. As a recommendation, I finally got around to reading Beyond: The Queer Sci-Fi/Fantasy Anthology, which I’d backed on Kickstarter ages ago, but only finished on the flight back home. It’s delightful! It’s a bunch of short comics about queer people in sci-fi/fantasy settings, which range from an adorable story about gay dads rescuing their daughter from a well-meaning changeling to a meditation on trans-ness via alien genders.
Toastfriends, I was on a 5 1/2 hour conference call yesterday and my ear still sort of hurts, physically (I have a headset but the audio was borked so I was just on the phone for the whole time).
Surely that must be the reason why the lifeguard pulling me aside during my water aerobics class last night to say that I’d been going out the emergency exit and I shouldn’t do that anymore caused extreme embarrassment and led me to weep quietly on my walk home.
I am a together adult 99.9% of the time, I swear.
aww. Hugs friend, that’s so frustrating.
Thank you! I will be v. happy when this particular work project is over so I can have that portion of my brain and emotions back.
Ohhhh that sounds like it must have been an understanable mixup but I would have felt embarrassed too!
Thank you! The doors don’t have your typical red and white emergency exit only signs on them, or any signs! Instead there are placards to the side done up in the same color scheme as all other pool signage. I’d seen other non-staff use them and assumed too much!
I would almost certainly weep with embarrassment about that too. Hugs and sympathy.
(The swimming pool I used to go to had a fire exit/disabled access door right by the pool, and it drove me mad when people entered using it because it meant a) cold air flooding in and making me very cold while swimming and b) dirty outdoor shoes on the side of the pool, which is not supposed to happen. But a lifeguard telling people off about it DURING CLASS would still have been going way too far.)
Part of it (maybe?) is that I’m going to therapy now for the first time in a really long time so maybe I’m just extra sensitive. My therapist has this thing about how I’ve not really been supported as a person for basically my entire life, which is…true? (ugh) But I don’t really know what to do with that revelation so when things go a little awry and my emotional resources are already low everything just turns into this big ball of thinking that the only reason people talk to me is to tell me what I’ve done wrong (or notes from an unwelcome boner) and fears that this is just the way things are and will be for me barring something extremely unexpected happening.
I’ve hit the stage of pregnancy where I am genuinely excited about going to prenatal yoga. Yet another side effect no one warned me about! Anyway, uh, pregnancy thread, I guess, unless someone has already started one?
My second baby is due in three weeks. I am at the stage of freaking out, like, “The apartment is too cluttered! What are we going to eat when the baby comes! Do I really need to buy an infant bathtub?!?!” Last night my husband was walking around singing like he was in a musical or something and I was like, “Are you and I living the same life? When are we going to talk about the crib mattress?” I hate to be so focused on the mundane; I wish I was drawing birthing mazes and having rainbow pedicures with tiny meditation symbols on them like those pregnant chicks on the internet. I wish I had a spacious and perfectly decorated nursery with a gliding rocker and my baby’s name painted on the wall in gold letters (no name yet, in fact, and the baby is going in a corner of our bedroom). I wish I could be at home queening around in a handmade maternity robe with a glass of pomegranate juice instead of at work trying to get comfortable in a cheap office chair.
I think this is called the nesting stage but I am experiencing it more as the stage in which I wish I was bringing a child into a life of peace and beauty but instead I know I am bringing a child into ordinary life. Our family is very loving, which is the most important thing. I should not expect that adding an additional child is magically going to result in better housekeeping, less working, and more beams of sunshine.
That’s what I have to say about that.
Aww, I wish I could bring you a smoothie or something! I’m planning to do some serious apartment de-cluttering over the next couple months, and my neighbor suggested having friends/family sign up to bring food via something like Meal Train, which looks awesome. IDK if you did anything like that for the first kid, but it sounded like a really good way to schedule people dropping by to see the baby without getting overwhelmed.
I’m very into the mundane and don’t care at all about nursery decor, though. I have a whole spreadsheet of Things We Actually Need, color-coded by what still requires attention (the crib mattress is currently highlighted in yellow).
Also I feel you on the office furniture. I’m thinking of bringing in a cushion or something.
Thank you! Maybe I will go have a smoothie after work and do some art with my toddler today. That will give me some energy to tackle decluttering on the weekend.
Congratulations!
I’m at eight weeks and have been incredibly anxious and borderline depressed pretty much since the moment I found out (it’s my first pregnancy). I am planning to start prenatal yoga in a few weeks, so hoping that might help a bit. Mostly I am just scared by how much this is not what I expected being pregnant to feel like.
I feel like we need some of those “Expecation vs. Reality” graphics. Because SERIOUSLY. I’m the first of my local friends to get pregnant, also, so NO ONE WARNED ME.
I am still putting off prenatal yoga, but I am boxing at a women only boxing gym and it is exactly the workout I need right now, which is lovely. We are still in relatively early days but starting to think about classes and doulas and things. Also discovered this week that my husband really enjoys prenatal appointments and would like to come to all of them, even the boring ones- if only I could send him to the ones I don’t want to go to 😛
Still super jealous about your women only boxing gym!
My husband came to the fetal scan appointment but then complained about it being long and boring (which, to be fair, it was), even though it’s not like he was the one spending an hour covered in goop.
Mine wound up at my “pee in a cup, listen to the heartbeat” appointment this week due to various car related shenanigans and decided it was totally worth it and that he wants to come to all the other ones too. I guess it helps him to feel like he’s connected to what’s going on since he’s not really getting any other feedback this point besides the complaining 😛 I hate doctors appointments generally, so I guess this way at least one of us will enjoy them.
It’s entirely possible based on the amount of mood elevation I’m getting from the classes that if I didn’t have them I’d be losing my mind, so I’m super happy to have found them! I hope you have fun at yoga!
Happy Friday! Let’s talk meal plans and whatnot!
Here are some thoughts about how I organized my meals for the coming week! Milk is on sale here ($1.98/gallon down from $2.99/gallon), so I plan to make paneer, and I have enough stuff in the cupboard and freezer that I have two or three options depending on what we feel like that day. I also wanted to make a thing that calls for red peppers, and since the “family pack” of six peppers for like $5 is such a better value than individual peppers, I had to think of things to do with the rest of the peppers. I have some potatoes in the fridge, too, from the 5lb bag I got last week, so those are going in as side dishes to some things. I also wanted to try this dish and wanted some kind of protein-heavy side dish to go with it, so I’m thinking a lentil or split pea dish of some kind, again based around pantry staples.
With all that being said, here’s the plan:
Lunch batch: lentil and spinach calzones
Dinner at friend’s house (I’m bringing a side dish and beer though)
Pizza (have leftover sauce and cheese to use up) (one will have peppers and onions)
Those sweet potato pouches and some kind of lentil side
Paneer something with rice or a simple potato curry
Tofu with red peppers based off a sweet and sour fish recipe from the Ottolenghi cookbook Jerusalem, probably rye berries as a side.
Veggie lo mein with yuba (and peppers!)
Pasta cacio e pepe (this is a great one to have on standby because it uses non-spoiling stuff so can be shifted around during the week as needed)
Stuff I need: Romano cheese, veggies and herbs (peppers, cabbage, carrots, cilantro, chard, collards, sweet potatoes), another bag of boneless/skinless/tasteless chicken for my own protein-y lunches, sesame seeds and polenta, cheese, milk, lentils, noodles, foil, and toothpaste. Weekly grocery bill should come out around $55.
What are you guys planning? How are your grocery budgets? What do you have sitting around that you need to use up?
Do you have cacio e pepe tips? I’ve tried to make it a couple times and can’t get it quite right. All around, your meal plan looks so damn delicious!
This weekend, I’ll be doing a pumpkin pasta to use up some of the cans of pumpkin puree I over-eagerly bought in the fall, and perhaps a “warm potato salad” (name sounds bleh, recipe sounds great – taters, green beans, mustard, vinegar, salt+pep).
I use the Cooks Illustrated recipe, which I’ve copied below with some of my own notes and thoughts after making this pretty much weekly for like two years:
6ounces Pecorino Romano, 4 ounces finely grated (about 2 cups) and 2 ounces coarsely grated (about 1 cup) (note: honestly, the coarsely grated stuff is not really necessary IMO. We use about 2 cups of actual Pecorino for the sauce and then top with the cheap stuff out of a can and it tastes just as good and saves some $$.)
1 pound spaghetti
table salt
2 tablespoons heavy cream
2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 ½teaspoons finely ground black pepper (grind this in a spice grinder do not get carpal tunnel from this!!! Also, Wegmans brand tellichery peppercorns are WONDERS oh my god!)
Place finely grated Pecorino in medium bowl. Set colander in large bowl.
Bring 2 quarts (note: the low amount of water is crucial to the sauce — you want it STARCHY) water to boil in large Dutch oven. Add pasta and 1½ teaspoons salt; cook, stirring frequently, until al dente. Drain pasta into colander set in bowl, reserving cooking water. Pour 1½ cups cooking water into liquid measuring cup and discard remainder; return pasta to now-empty bowl. (note: ARE YOU SHITTING ME WITH THIS COOKS ILLUSTRATED, just take a pyrex cup and snag 2 cups of the cooking liquid before draining, why dirty another bowl, only to pour the stuff into a measuring cup!!!! jfc.)
Slowly whisk 1 cup reserved pasta cooking water into finely grated Pecorino until smooth. Whisk in cream, oil, and black pepper. Gradually pour cheese mixture over pasta, tossing to coat. Let pasta rest 1 to 2 minutes, tossing frequently (note: this is going to take forever, just keep tossing), adjusting consistency with remaining ½ cup reserved pasta water. Serve, passing coarsely grated Pecorino separately.
“Wegmans brand tellichery peppercorns are WONDERS”
I know I talk about Wegmans every week, but YOU ARE SO RIGHT. I have it at home and I cover everything with huge lashings of it.
I made this with some truffle Pecorino I filched off my mother and IT WAS GLORIOUS.
Thank you
add slightly runny eggs to this and it is the BEST
Hungry Harvest has been helping my budget a lot lately. It’s $16 for a lot of produce and a package of herbs. I am waiting on the email to let me know what’s coming! Always a fun Friday wait.
The springy weather has me craving greens with a mustardy or vinegary dressing…and fried fish tacos with mango-habanero slaw and pickled onions.
Philly/NJ Toasties: If you have a Whole Foods reward card, you can get $5 off yr $50 purchase this week!
I just started using mealime, and I’ve made two of the three meals I had it plan. I’m making the last one tonight, and then I tell it to make me a meal plan and grocery list for next week. Shopping on a Saturday means I can go to the farmer’s market, which in turn means I can have good hothouse tomatoes. 😀
The first meal was steak fajitas with guacamole. They were pretty good, but a little bland. Also I need to buy a different brand of tortillas in the future, because these ones broke where they were bent, even after I heated them. The second meal was pork lo mein made with whole wheat linguine. Because the fajitas were kind of bland, I doubled the spices for this, and I was much happier with it. Last is salmon with grapefruit avocado salsa and cilantro lime rice, which seems like kind of an odd combination but I’m willing to try it.
Other thoughts on mealime: It looks like they’ve changed their pricing so that there’s a free basic plan that you can use forever, but they still have a bunch of help pages saying that the free plan expires after two weeks, so that’s confusing; their meals tend to have moderate portions of protein and starch and huge piles of veggies, which takes a little getting used to, but I’m sure it’ll be fine once I’m used to it and obviously it’s disgustingly healthy; they do seem to be trend-followers on some nutritional topics, or at least I can’t think of any other reason why they would use coconut oil as their default cooking oil.
In terms of stuff I need to use up, it’s mostly stuff that can go in lunches, so I just have to get better at putting lunch together in the evening and then I will have no using-up-food problems.
I am always so impressed by your meal plans!
I am in the delightful position of having a lot of cured meats left over from when my parents visited last week (my hometown has the most wonderful butcher shops) and half a loaf of bread that’s not quite going stale, so my plan is sandwiches and salads for most of next week. (I do not mind eating the same thing every day most of the time, which I am tremendously grateful for.) That and a big batch of lentils should keep me going for a while.
I had some leftover salami from my local fancy butcher place and I added in to a chicken and mushroom…..thing that I plonked on top of pasta for lunch, and it was really good! So I would recommend adding some of the meats to the lentils maybe, especially ones that are starting to dry out a little?
Oooooh dried beef in lentils sounds delicious, brilliant idea.
This week:
Lunches: apple-cheese-celery salad; cucumber-onion-peanut salad with toasted quinoa; a half an avocado stuffed with black beans and salsa; any leftovers.
Leftover dill-onion-vinegar gigonde beans. Leftover potato-leek soup.
Baked tofu with stir-fried vegetables (bell pepper, green onion, ginger, celery, bok choy) and rice.
Dinner at a friend’s.
New Delhi style chana dal with rice, collard mallum (stir-fried / steamed with coconut, turmeric, and salt), and yogurt-dressed cucumber and tomato with a little chile.
Soup using noodles, the broth I made last week, and whatever veggies need rescuing, plus frozen peas.
Possibly beans and greens with fennel seed and thyme, using beans from the freezer and collards from the garden.
Possibly macaroni and cheese, using ingredients already on hand.
Cardamom soda bread for a friend’s memorial service.
Total for this week: just under $30.
Mmmm that all sounds great. Up here we are just now starting to see buds and tiny leaves on trees so hopefully soon the farmer’s markets will have some good stuff! I can’t wait for leafy greens and asparagus!
Not that you are likely to be running low on asparagus ideas, but I’d like to share my favorite thing to do with a pound of it:
Coat whole spears in olive oil. Sprinkle salt on them and toss them about in a baking pan. (I use the biggest of my loaf pans or the smallest of my square baking pans, and that’s about the right size.)
Bake at 500 F for 10-12 minutes, rotating the pan 180 degrees halfway through the cooking time.
Pull out. Let cool slightly. Spritz with lemon if you are so inclined and have one. Eat it with vigor.
If you have any left over, and this is a big if: cut into smaller pieces and dress it in a vinaigrette (I like mustard and Parmesan in mine, but Parm is a bit expensive for me at the moment), and let it marinate overnight. The next morning, toast bread. Poach or soft-boil an egg. Arrange the marinated asparagus atop the toast, then the egg on top of that. Pierce the egg so the yolk goes everywhere. Salt and pepper to taste.
I look forward to this breakfast all year.
HI! i am about to go the airport to fly to Seoul, where I will be for 5 days, and then on to Kyoto and Tokyo for 4 each! Toasts who’ve gone or live there, please give me all the recommendations!
Seoul is wonderful! Go to the Leeum Samsung museum and then go shopping at the little art shops in Ssamzigil. Eat all the delicious food!
I’m going to Seoul this summer so I’m really excited to see these replies. If you do/see/eat anything wonderful while you’re there you should post back! Have so much fun!!
Fushimi Inari shrine in Kyoto (climb to the top! It’ll take the whole afternoon but it’s so worth it), Uoshin restaurant in Tokyo (get the bone chips!).
Kimchee museum!!!!
Insadong, Myeongdong – Jyogesa Temple . Do *not* eat bandegi. Do eat kimchee mandu.
If you can find a Yamagishi Kazuo ramen restaurant in Tokyo, it will be the best ramen you ever have.
Good riddance to this rotten week, honestly. The guy I was seeing for a couple months (and who is an awesome dude) broke up with me because his mom is dying. Honestly, I would have done the same thing, and I think it’s the right thing for both of us, but it really sucks. I hadn’t felt that optimistic about a relationship in a long time.
And then on top of it, I got rejected for a job I thought I was going to get (and would have been a dream, honestly). I’ve been applying and interviewing for jobs for 5 years now, and I always end up as the runner-up, and it’s just so disheartening.
I just can’t catch a break.
Here’s a picture of my cat being a weirdo, for anyone who read through my pity party:
Lots and lots of hugs. That all sounds terrible. 5 years?! I can’t even imagine. I seriously admire you so much for keeping at it after all those disappointments and I hope something comes up soon <3
That sucks. Both of those things. Hugs, if you want them!
I wouldn’t wait for him, but maybe when things get less terrible for him, he might come back. It’s not you, you are awesome and there will be other dudes.
Your cat is silly and adorable and I love him already and if I didn’t have my cat being a weirdo, I’d want a cat like yours being a weirdo.
Yeah, I’m not waiting, just hopeful that we’ll get a second chance at things. I know he can’t even begin to think about that, and neither of us knows what’s going to happen in the next few months or in the next year.
He’s the best kitty.
That sounds like a rough week, good wishes from an Internet stranger. 🙂
I hope you have the opportunity to sit outside in the sun for a bit this weekend and laugh unrestraintedly.
Also having a crap week, and I hear you on jobs. Everyone’s all “oh it’s great that you’re getting interviews” but there’s no prize for second place, you know? I’m the person they call in because my resume is a little different from the others and they’re curious about me, but it feels like they never intend to hire me and just want to feel like they have a well-rounded pool of interviews.
I feel like job postings are picking up right now though so good luck to us.
Right? And I know my friends are trying to make me feel better with platitudes like that and “Something will turn up!” but I have literally no evidence that anything will turn up! I have been making a ton of effort with nothing to show for it.
I just have Louis CK in my head going “Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?”
The whole process is enraging and demoralizing. I’ve been unemployed long enough that I’m at the “just a job, any job, money money money” stage and that is even more depressing. My husband keeps bitching at me to lower my standards, which if I hadn’t done that long ago I’d have basically applied to maybe two jobs in the past 3 months.
Baby boomers, please all retire and give us your jobs.
I hate to say this, but my experience is that “oh, just wait, there’s going to be a huge wave of retirements and you will have your pick of All The Jobs” just means that there’s a huge wave of retirements and management says “Yay, now we don’t have to pay anyone to do that job, we’ll just dump it on some schlub who’s already on the books!”
Ha, you’re right, that’s exactly how it’s going to play out. Similarly enraging, when my mother in law (who has not worked outside the home in probably 20 years) gives us job advice circa 1983. Call the office! Your resume will get put on the top of the pile! Put in your dues!
DUES. There are no dues, there is just shit work and then you get laid off.
Argh, I am having A Day, thanks the hyphen toast for giving me a place to vent.
So I read this a while ago and I keep coming back to it. Am I the only one who thinks that’s kind of weird??
I mean …I’m not close with family at all so I’m a little biased…. but why would you end a romantic relationship due to a death?? Those just seem unrelated. And, especially as an adult, you kinda know your parents are due for death pretty soon, so… Idk I just don’t get it. You’re such a funny and interesting person, too! I don’t get it! I wouldn’t dump you over a death!
I appreciate you saying that! We hadn’t been dating very long (about 2 months) and he lives fairly far away from me even though we work in the same city. (He lives at home and has since his mom first got sick.) He described it as a selfish choice – he wants to be able to go home and spend time at home without feeling guilty if he had to change or cancel plans with a girlfriend. I think if we had been dating longer he would’ve tried harder to stay together, but this is the easiest for him. And honestly, I wouldn’t want to demand or expect time that his family deserves to have right now. We are still going to talk and stay friends, though.
Well I still think it’s freakin’ weird! In his place, I would just say “I’m gonna be out of touch for a couple weeks for obvious reasons” and that’s that!
I don’t know what it “means” or anything in terms of his behavior or persona in general. I just think he is kinda being weird, and I’m sorry for your loss, but who knows, maybe you dodged a bullet somehow. I feel like I should feel insensitive to say that, too, but I… do not.
The national girls’ HS basketball champions this year are Ribault High School from my hometown and it’s the first EVER national champion HS sports team in the city (as far as i know), and on Tuesday they had a little parade downtown in front of where I work and it was so cool and I was bawling with pride for those young women. They’re a very winning team and have done lots of state championships, but never national, and it’s so cool. I mean, when you hear of “there was a shooting at X high school today” Ribault is one of the top 3 schools you expect to be named, and it was almost shut down in 2011 because of poor performance (because the neighborhood is so impoverished).
Anyway, the parade had the ROTC and tiny marching band and cheerdancers and each of the basketball team got to ride on the back of her very own convertible Corvette to city hall, and two of their rival schools (also poor and Black) sent their marching bands and cheerleaders and ROTC drill teams and loads of kids from the nearby neighborhoods came out and saw these teenagers as role models and everything and gosh I still tear up thinking about how proud of them I am, and how proud they were of themselves, you know? and of the 4 graduating seniors on the team, two have also earned their AAs from the local community college through dual enrollment and !!!! these amazing kids. (I’m crying again.)
Followup with pictures because amazing! http://jacksonville.com/sports/high-schools/2016-…
and if you scroll down a bit, you’ll get photos and videos from the parade: https://twitter.com/search?q=ribaultbasket&sr…
I love this one from their twitter:
That is the most wonderful thing I’ve heard all week!
It’s sunny here and very nearly warm (64) and it’s supposed to be 79 on Monday!
Also, I took a second part time job on top of my 9-to-5, just working at a little hipster bakery on the weekends, and I’m really enjoying it so far.
But my big news is that I just got accepted into one of the Marriage and Family Therapy masters programs that I applied to! I applied to 2 and I’m still waiting to hear from the other, and then I need to do financial aid stuff, so an actual decision on What I Will Be Doing With My Life In The Fall is a ways off – but it’s good and exciting to have at least gotten one “yes”!
Congratulations!
RICK AND MORTY COMIC. I’m pretty sure this was not an intentional shout-out? But I still like it?
Toasties! I have lurked for months but today I awake and not working early enough to post in Open Thread and I am SO EXCITED.
I am fairly miserable as I came down with mono last week and so I’ve been in bed all week with crippling fatigue and the sore throat from hell. As a hype productive person, it’s been very difficult for me to not feel guilty/helpless, and I’ve definitely burst into tears more than once.
That being said, my question is: what are your favorite things to read/watch/listen to when you’re sick? Is there a special food or home remedy that you find helps? How do you prevent yourself from getting angry at your body or frustrated over how long it’s taking to get better?
I use sickness as an excuse to read fanfic. All the fanfic. Novel-length fanfic. 😀 Also to dive into childhood favorite books (in my case, the Harry Potter series, and also the entire Anne of Green Gables series: both work wonders). And if I feel guilty, then I tell self: “The universe is telling you to rest.”
Hang in there!
Check out the threat about Friday Night Lights above 🙂 That is a wonderful show!
Do you like cooking/baking? Can you find a recipe where you do a few simple things over a period of time, like baking bread? Then you have lovely home made food, and accomplish something too!
Watch: Brooklyn 99 (to cheer up), Black Books (if I want to wallow in my self-pity for a while). My feel-good movies are Jupiter Ascending and Heathers.
Read: Pratchett (witches or Night Watch), Howl’s Moving Castle, any fantasy that has lavish descriptions of food.
Listen: Quiet calming soundtrack stuff. Lots of violins.
Drink: Hot lemonade with honey and whiskey in it. (If you are having trouble getting food down because of a sore throat, crack an egg into a couple fingers of whiskey and chug.)
Eat: As much protein as you can manage, even if that means pureeing your beef soup.
I like to drink ginger ale when I’m sick. If my tummy isn’t all blurpy, I like to eat pudding. 🙂
I like to watch cozy mysteries like Midsomer Murders or Murder, She Wrote.
I cannot even describe the nonsense that is happening in my life right now so let’s just talk about something else. i tried to put this in a LR and it was duly deleted for being off-topic (which I understand) but OMG Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha’s Dirty River. Somebody please talk about this book with me. To be honest this is the only “queer” book I’ve read in the last couple of years that actually captures some of the lived experience of being queer in this century, complete with excessive amounts of tea-drinking, dancing in locations of questionable sanitation, and being eyeballed by queerer-than-thou types when you show up in the wrong clothes. Not to mention the long letter you write to your abusive family back home when you just can’t take their shit anymore. I just. I don’t know. I am so fucking emotional about this book.
I’m reading it right now! I’ll be interviewing her on my radio show about it. It’s earlier in the century, the early oughts, but Zoe Whittal’s Holding Still For As Long As Possible felt like my real queer life to me.
Wow that’s awesome! I would be nervous as hell to interview them but I’m sure it will be amazing too. Is there a link where we can hear the interview?
Thanks for sharing that title. Still reading but already in mourning for good print representations of actual queer life. I’ll check that out.
I went to see “the last five years” this past weekend (the theatre that did it, was incredible. UGH JASON ROBERTS BROWN YOUR MUSIC) and I thought of the Toastmind because behind us, there were a few women who got their friend a gift of Lin Manuel Miranda’s face on a blanket.
Secondly, this week I’ve been struggling to not play the “comparing myself to other people” game, and failing. It’s freaking me out- because I had been doing so well, and then suddenly (even though I’ve felt reasonably happy lately AND the weather is nice) out of the blue- BAM I’m feeling like I’m just not good enough anymore.
But mostly I wanted to tell you about the Lin Manuel Miranda Face Blanket.
I’ve seen that blanket and it is everything.
I politely request a link to see The Blanket Which Is Everything, too. Also, how weird must it be for Lin to know people are printing his face on blankets? His… FACE.
What a GREAT blanket. And I love The Last 5 Years, definitely one of my top 5 favorite shows!
If you ever figure out how to stop playing the “comparing myself to other people” game, let me know, ugh. Last week one of my patients asked how old I was, and when I said 25 she was like “wow, you’ve got a great career for being so young” and I FIRMLY disagree with this assessment because all my friends are ridiculously accomplished prodigy children.
Toasties, it’s been an awful week. Prayers and good thoughts would be deeply appreciated. I feel very overwhelmed by my final month of school, work, and an emotional situation that is related to neither of those things but is nonetheless very painful and disorienting for me. It’s three days until my next therapy session and I feel like I’m unraveling.
I’m knitting you back together with, uh, mauve silk. Or another material if you prefer.
Sending good thoughts! I hope you can get some down time to practice whatever kind of self-care grounds you and treat yourself kindly.
You got em. Grace and grit to get you to your session and through the end of your month.
both prayers and good thoughts sent your way!
What are the techniques your therapist has taught you for handling these feelings when you’re on your own? What can do you do help pass the time?
Prayers for fortitude for you. May you find internal resources (and external resources) you’d forgotten you had. And also– if you would find it helpful– I’d like to offer permission to do something less well than you would prefer. (I don’t know if you are like me on this count, but I always forget that’s possible.)
You will get through this. You have a 100% success rate of surviving difficult situations so far.
That horrifying moment when you realize that your therapist looks like a cross between Tobias Funke and Mr. Rosso from Freaks and Geeks.
Thought process: “Now, Middlemarch, you are probably exaggerating and engaging in transference, as is typical in the psychoanalytic process—- OK, NO, HE’S WEARING KEENS AND TALKING ABOUT HIS PET CATS, I AM -NOT IMAGINING- THIS RESEMBLANCE.”
If anyone wants to talk about Homestuck, I’m here for you.
Every time I read the name my mind immediately goes to Homestar instead? My contribution to this.
Oh, this guy?
That’s the one. I like to assume homestuck is him, only stuck in one place. If it is otherwise please don’t correct me.
That was the last sentence I ever expected to read on the hyphen toast dot com.
Not a reader, but have many friends/acquaintances that are, and most were v. pleased with the ending. Good on ya, Homestucks.
!!!
I don’t understand everything that happened, but I am satisfied. I figure there’ll be an upcoming text-heavy post from AH explaining exactly what Calliope did with the Green Sun, and like, what happened to all those ghosts, and whether Aradia and Vriska are still alive, and all that, but for now? I’m content with rainbow tadpoles flying through the clouds.
ALSO, I’m surprised at how moved I was for PM! Taking off that ring, finally unburdening herself of the power she never wanted, destroying the last pieces of the fucked-up world that killed all her friends, building a new and better world with the one friend she has left, and all of it conveyed without dialogue <3 <3 <3 So happy about PM.
I’m slightly furry for PM. Although not anymore, I guess. (Would it count as xeno now, though?!)
I really hope we get a follow-up! I don’t like open-ended endings. And Vriska and Terezi are two of my favorite characters, so I’m frustrated that they were two of the people left up in the air.
That said, that was a *gorgeous* ending. I need to go back and watch it again. I honestly teared up at Can Town. So many amazing things. I can’t believe it’s over. And I also realize that even if I’m not satisfied with an open ending, it’s partly because I would read about these characters forever.
Terezi is in Can Town! You can see her in the background during the montage of all the pairings participating in ambigously pleasant [but not concretely romantic, so who knoooooowws] activities! It seems like everybody who was on that platform definitely got a textbook happy ending. The folks elsewhere in paradox space? Harder to say.
I too have a soft spot for Vriska, and I hope she isn’t dead– but if she is, I think she would feel satisfied with having died such a cool death. Much cooler than the first go round.
OH GOOD. I definitely need to watch again, then. Yes, Vriska would definitely be satisfied going out in such a badass way.
I need to know if Dirk and Jake got back together, and I REALLY need confirmation of davekat. Other than that, I’m satisfied.
Stardew Valley! You guys, I am so into this game right now. It’s got just the perfect rhythm of planning-project-reward that is just bringing me so much more joy than my ongoing attempt to get into Fallout 4. I just started my second year have two chickens and a cow, an endless cycle of mayonnaise making, and more honey and sap and maple syrup than I know what to do with. I just filled my one missing Spring crop in the Community Center. So much fun! It’s been great to play with an Xbox controller while walking on the treadmill.
What video games have you been playing? Are you locked into the gentle rhythms of farm life like me?
Man, I was watching the McElroy bros playing SDV the other day, and it looked so relaxing. Getting and starting a new game might be a disaster for me, however, because in the last few weeks I have started and abandoned:
– Morrowind (replaying after 8 years; modded it back up and everything!)
– The Last of Us (on new PS4!)
– Asscreed IV (also on new PS4!)
– A new game of Mass Effect (why not?)
– A new game of Baldur’s Gate 2 (finally gonna finish it this time)
Anywho, here’s Morrowind not looking like shit:
I keep seeing videos of Stardew Valley, and it looks great, but I haven’t played it yet! I’m currently in the middle of a second playthrough of Fallout 4, trying to rp as a character with a bit more of a consistent personality than my previous one. I’m also having a terrible problem with my settlements being unhappy, and my settlers not saying what’s bothering them. (“The thing says you’re unhappy! Why are you unhappy! No, I don’t want to trade things!”) But it looks like there’s a bug that’s causing it…?
My game backlog has gotten ridiculous, and on top of that Dark Souls III and Bravely Second are out now, and I just don’t have time.
whatcha gotta do is make sure there’s a settler who’s manning a trading post or something. Then they’ll have the dialog option for Talk instead of just trade. (and shops add settlement happiness anyway so double bonus!)
Thanks! I’ll have to give that a try!
I’ve been watching ProJared play Stardew Valley on YouTube and oh my god, watching fall for Abby was/is SO CUTE and they just got MARRIED AWWWW
I like Abby too, but she, like everyone else, hates half the stuff I give her. I’m also a little concerned that she said “Thanks! How did you know I was hungry?” when I give her a topaz.
She apparently does that with all stones! She’s got a particular appetite for amethysts, I’ve heard. What the what.
Stardew Valley has EATEN MY LIFE this past week and I just want to let everyone know that even though it’s not officially available for Mac, installing Wine according to these instructions worked like a charm. You too can spend your nights chatting up villagers and fishing for garbage instead of sleeping.
I’ve been playing a lot of Minecraft with friends recently (I love the N7 skin so much) and I laughed a lot while watching Mr. Thuja play Farcry 3 Blood Dragon because it’s so ridiculous and over the top.
I’ve heard so much about stardew valley. I was ridiculously addicted to Harvest Moon back in the day, so I might have to try it out soon.
Stardew Valley is a perfect mix of Minecraft, Harvest Moon, and Animal Crossing with graphics and music that make me so nostalgic for Secret of Mana.
Sold!
uuuugh, I just watched the preview video on Steam and now I neeeeed it. But I also have real life things that need to get done. I think it’s going on the wishlist for right now because I have very poor willpower when it comes to doing things other than playing games that I love.
I have recently fallen down the Stardew Valley rabbit hole, and well, let’s just say I’m not getting a lot of real work done in my life right now. I feel like there’s so many little things to discover in that game that I’m constantly torn between trying to find them out on my own and looking them up online because I want to know immediately.
If I had half the enthusiasm for planning my days and getting stuff done in real life as I do in Stardew Valley, I would probably be much more successful at being an adult.
Haven’t been playing anything lately, still haven’t finished my FO4 play through. Might have to check that out.
My 15 year old son laughs at me non-stop, but I love love love paying Civilization Revolutions on PS3. As the Mongols. So I explore the continent, build up my villages, only fight in self-defense, and win the game by acquiring culture, or money sometimes. It is soft and squishy and warm and requires zero competence and is my eternal fallback when other parts of my life are overwhelming. It’s great.
Stardew Valley! I’m at the end of the first year and at the point where mining and fishing aren’t as annoying anymore. Something about the game is so relaxing even though I have a never-ending to do list. I also really like talking to all the villagers and giving them mayonnaise.
Toasts, I don’t know if I’m reading this wrong or being overly sensitive, which is adding to the Big Snit I am I in right now, but I want to tell everyone in the whole world that it’s not fucking personal if a fat person makes more money than you do.
I was at the bank yesterday and the person I was working with needed my salary info for a loan. It seemed like they were both shocked and offended when they saw my salary and…. Dammit, it’s not the first time this has happened.
I know this is kind of First World Problems, but…. It’s so depressing to me and just reflects back to me in the crudest way how deeply ingrained fat hate is/how people really, genuinely feel that they are better/should be treated better than fat folks. This attitude is partly why I am one of the only truly fat women in a professional (non-administrative) position at my company of *thousands* of employees.
I worked damn hard to get where I am and had to put up with a ton of bs like this over the course of my career and… Sometimes I get tired.
That would be seriously exhausting, and I’m sorry that kind of BS is part of your life (and the lives of millions of people, really) on a regular basis. Toast hugs if you’d like them.
Thanks packedsuitcase! I didn’t think anyone would comment on this and the kind words and understanding moved me to tears. Return hugs!
You are not wrong and you are not being overly sensitive. There is a whole thing around “fat people don’t deserve nice things” especially when it concerns fat women. It makes me (a fat person) extremely angry and tired and sometimes I catch myself thinking those same things (about myself) because it’s everywhere. It’s hard. It is straight-up unjust. I feel you.
I am so impressed by you for overcoming the bullshit to get to the place you’re at.
Thank you, renegadeoboe. And yes – the worst is when we internalize all that hate. So painful, but so good to know I’m not alone.
Not overly sensitive at ALL. I’m right there with you. There are days where just getting ready for the day and being in the world is a real fucking fight for me because I’m fat. Most days, I am absolutely excellent at not giving a rat’s ass what people think of me or my fat ass, but then I’ll look up…I don’t know, Beyonce’s sportswear line and of COURSE it’s only through size 14 because certainly no one of my hideous proportions would go to a gym. Or just really noticing *small* things, like a panel at Comic Con where the cast and creatives all come out on stage at the same time and one of the creatives is fat and the men are fucking falling over themselves to pull out a chair for the slender beautiful actress. It’s the small things that tend to get to me after a while. The small things that those men or whomever aren’t doing out of conscious aggression or rottenness, just that they don’t see a fat woman as a woman.
WELL THAT WAS A DOWNWARD SPIRAL RIGHT THERE Sorry, gang.
Ha ha! Totally understood. Yes, this stuff is so in the very air we breathe and there is so much counter-pressure against people ‘waking up’ to the damage they do unconsciously. (Counter pressure meaning all the diet talk/if only you’d try harder, etc…)
Yup, people can be extremely rude about money in ways that reveal their own prejudices about who is innately “worth” more as a human being. Someone who works with loans at a bank should at the very least not allow their biases to be expressed as unprofessional behavior (which that absolutely was), and it sucks that that particular person did so. You have every right to be tired of that bs, you’re not being overly sensitive, it’s not your imagination.
I hope the rest of your week gets better (and that you receive raise after raise until finally you’re making such fuck-you levels of money that it causes the heads of bigots to fully explode upon learning your salary).
Yes, money as determinant of your worth – I love how you articulated that! Dead on!
Sorry for the slow reply to your comment: long day aiming for my FU raise. 🙂
That is fucked up, and I hope you were able to feel morally superior to those not-fat assholes. I hope the thing you are buying with your loan is awesome and beautiful and full-figured.
That’s really funny because my new car actually is kind of the short, BBW version of a regular sedan. She is glorious and comfy!
That’s so shitty and not at all overstated. It’s completely ingrained in our society, and I feel like it’s one of those things worth rioting over.
I’m beginning to think only a riot will wake some folks up. Let’s do it!
Holy fuck. That’s…. I don’t even have words for how awful that is.
I’m beginning to learn about all the bullshit that fat people have to deal with in society (there were some “obvious” things I knew about, but – seriously? people begrudging the money someone makes because of their size?!), and there are all kinds of awful things that I just had never imagined.
Major kudos to you for overcoming so much, and I’m sorry humans are so awful.
Thank you, sabinabemani. It really is just ridiculous sometimes! But I’m so glad there are folks like you who really get it. 🙂
Fuck that motherfucker.
Is there any chance that you can move your business to another bank, or at least to another banker? And then tell the bank manager *why* you did so?
All my stuff is with this particular place right now, but when I go in tomorrow to sign I will ask for another banker and will tell them why. Little by little, I think speaking up can change these things! Thank you!
Toasties! I have been absent mostly, because GETTING WORK DONE AT NEW JOB. Which, after 4+ years of feeling stuck and unable to produce any meaningful research at my old postdoc lab, feels like the best thing in the world. I’m wrangling data and making plots and have gotten thanks from at least two product managers, which is at least one more thanks than I got from anyone in a decade of academia. My office is super-nerdy, full of really nice people, several fluffy dogs (and sometimes even a cat), and I saw a lady in the lunch line yesterday wearing a Garrus Vakarian tshirt.
Only bad part: the other new guy on my team (who is a decade younger than me) is a goddamn mansplainer. Like, I’ve rarely seen such a textbook example of mansplaining. Like: “You’ve done your SQL query wrong there.” “Where?” “Here. It should be A.” “That’s not how this code works or what it’s trying to do. Also, for god’s sake stop reading my SQL code over my shoulder.” I am considering buying these leggings as a subtle message:
Too subtle.
Given that we just had a meeting and I caught him repeating (as if brand new) an idea I’d laid out 5 min earlier, I’m gonna need a sweater and hat too.
Ban all (most?) men!
Those leggings are fantastic.
You inspired me to buy those leggings. Because yeah, fuck That Guy.
If I owned those leggings I would never wear anything else.
oh, wow. fuck that guy a lot. and buy the hell out of those leggings
Sounds to me like two can play this game! “Well, *actually* it’s like this for a different reason – if you’ve got a second, I can explain it to you.”
Toasts!
This has been A Week. Tuesday was certifiably terrible in many ways, but as I got home I got an email about the university’s student writing contest which I forgot I had entered. Shrug. Figure it’s got something to do with ‘sorry, no prize for you.’ WRONG.
I WON. I FREAKING WON. ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES. WITH A RESEARCH PAPER I WROTE THE NIGHT BEFORE IT WAS DUE.
I AM THE PROCRASTINATION QUEEN.
RECOGNIZE MY TERRIBLE AND AWESOME POWERS.
I’ll be sailing on into the award ceremony/my coronation like
THAT IS AMAZING.
Please enjoy your $1000 award as luxuriously as you can.
WOOHOO! *screams so loud for you* That’s amazing.
WHAT
That’s amazing. Congratulations!!!
I suspect and hope that you will take that as the best possible reason to procrastinate on EVERYTHING from now on. It must be your secret super power!
My mother asked which last minute paper it was that won. I had to tell her that all of my papers are last minute. I truly am the queen.
Congratulations!!
WOOHOO! Congratulations! That is awesome.
Also, you win at excellent deployment of Eleanor of Acquitaine gifs.
A+ gif selection.
Toasties!! I have a date for my breast reduction! April 29, which seems like too long and too soon! Any advice on how to prep my house/body/mind? I am going to make sure everything is neat and tidy on the home front, and make some easy freezer meals, and I’ve seen a therapist and am in a good place mentally, and have a super supportive partner and friend group. Neither my partner nor I have ever had surgery, so any suggestions (and well wishes!) warmly accepted.
I don’t have any suggestions but I have plenty of well wishes! I’m so happy for you and hope everything goes smoothly! I’m starting to put plans in motion for my own eventual reduction so I’m going to live vicariously through you for the moment.
Thank you so much! Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you as you embark on this!
Keep stuff counter level because you will be sore. Enjoy your temporary T-rex arms!
ahhh good point. My husband is A Tall, so everything is always up so hiiiigh
All of the well wishes in the world to you!
You are going to feel a lot more tired a lot longer than you think as the anesthesia works its way out of your body. Be very gentle with yourself and take as many naps as you need!
Tacking on to that: No one told me this before my one-and-only surgery (un-breast-related, but still): Waking up from anesthesia will make you weirdly emotional. It is bizarre.
Like, I cried for a few minutes because a) the amazing beautiful world I had been drug-dreaming about wasn’t real and I couldn’t live in it, and b) I didn’t know who or where anyone was.
So, um, there’s that. =/
Yay congrats! Here are some things that helped me after my surgery:
– wearing clothing to the hospital that buttoned up the front instead of going over my head
– having a ton of ice cream at home
– buying a huge thing of dry shampoo so that I didn’t have to shower as often in the week afterward
– having a lot of big pillows on the bed for sleep positioning help
Best of luck!!! Let us know how it goes!
I imagine I’ll have a looooooot of internet time 🙂
Tons of well wishes!
Beware that the pain killers might make you feel sick, so make sure you have a lot of bland foods/saltines. Juice is also helpful.
Know you are going to sleep a lot in the first couple of days- make a nest for yourself with some books, something to drink, your computer, clickers, extra blankets and pillows all in easy reach.
Rely on your support system to help you- bringing you stuff, making you food, keeping you company, rub your back if you are throwing up your dinner because of the pain meds, etc. Don’t let yourself resent the fact that you need help to do things that normally you can do all by yourself- you are in recovery.
Have a bunch of button up shirts to wear. It makes putting it on and off and dealing with the drains easier.
If you have concerns about anything during recovery, call your doctor. It is probably nothing and they will probably tell you it is nothing, but hearing it from a doctor lets you stop stressing.
Be excited about how awesome you are going to feel!
Thank you! I’m totally going to value village this weekend and buying some oversized button up shirts. I hadn’t even considered that my normal oversized sweatshirts wouldn’t work!
Also – question that I totally need to ask my doctor, but am asking you, in my pre surgery pack, there was no mention of prescription painkillers, and just a note that ibprofane could help with discomfort. Did they give you the good stuff to take home? I mean, I like motrin as much as the next girl, but this seems like it calls for something stronger?
I only had one button up shirt which wasn’t a work shirt, and I wore it for about four days straight- funny how a big breasted girl didn’t have a ton of button up shirts…
My doctor gave me a prescription for some of the good stuff (I don’t remember what) that I had filled the day before my surgery. Practices may vary. I would ask your doctor what their policy is on prescribing pain killers to see if that is something they will do for you if you are in a lot of pain after and decide that the motrin isn’t cutting it. I can’t imagine that they would not prescribe it if you think you need it though.
I will say that I only used it twice- half a pill each time. It made me feel nauseous, and my pain was minimal enough that I could manage with extra-strength tylenol after the first 20 hours or so (I probably could have managed the first 20 hours too, but if someone says that something will take away the pain, I’m not one to refuse it out of hand). My friend who got hers done the week before me used full pain killers for about a week though, so YMMV.
Truth on the button ups.
My doctor prescribed me hydrocodone or something at my pre-surgery visit, same with my husband when he went for his rotator cuff. I personally get along quite well with opiates, hubs doesn’t, so take a half of one at first if you aren’t sure.
Oh! And opiates constipate you! Grab some “stool softener,” rather than a laxative, to get you through.
Feel you. When a close friend of mine got (totally expectedly & joyously) engaged last year, I sobbed for 2 hours and swore I’d never tell her.
One thing I hadn’t expected was that the painkillers etc. made my mouth really, really dry, to the point where it was unpleasant to eat real food. So maybe stock up on liquid/soft foods just for the first day or two, so you can get around that. And as others have said, I slept a ton during the first couple days, and even when I wasn’t sleeping, I was pretty of out of it (like, I was fully aware of my surroundings & whatever, but microwaving food and telling Netflix “yes, I am still watching Bar Rescue, stop judging me” was about the extent of what I could accomplish).
Weiiiiiird. And good to know!
It may just have been a weird reaction of mine, but I didn’t have any other negative reactions to anything (well, except morphine a few days before – it was a fun couple of days). Plus it can be a bonus to have food (or “food”) that you can literally just pour into your face without moving.
Follow up! Anyone know of a good way I can watch American Netflix from Canada? I’m sensing a rewatch of The West Wing in my future
Hola. It’s a Chrome extension.
No specific advice, but my mom just got hers done about 4 months ago, and she’s super happy she did it. And kind of regrets not doing it sooner. She says she feels so much better, both her back hurting less and in a bunch of little things she just thought were normal, but are not way easier. Her surgery was really easy and recovery was not bad at all.
Good luck!
I don’t have any specific advice, but my two friends who both had it done were THRILLED afterwards and had zero regrets. (And recovered pretty quickly). So I hope things go smoothly for you!!
So last Sunday my best friend told me she’s pregnant. I’m super thrilled for her…but then that night I cried for about an hour in my apartment. We were single together, and then she met her current husband, whose great, but, well, it meant that we went from seeing each other or talking every day to seeing each other every couple of weeks because they moved to the suburbs. Now I’m excited, but also, like, jealous of this baby that’s going to get to hang out with my friend all of the time. And there’s a weird feeling of “How dare you abandon me to go live in the burbs without me?” Anyway, I’m trying to express all of my ambiguous feelings here so that I can be completely supportive IRL. Please tell me I’m not a terrible person.
You’re not terrible in any way! You can be happy for her and supportive while also acknowledging that this affects your life in a way you’re not thrilled about. I have the same feelings when baby announcements happen.
Thanks. I feel like this is an aspect of friendships that we don’t talk about that much and it’s very reassuring that I’m not the only person to have felt this way.
Been there! Still best friends with my best friend but the dynamic definitely changes and you have to adapt. Normal reaction- and it doesn’t make you a terrible person OR a terrible friend. (Hugs)
Thank you!
You’re not a terrible person! It’s a huge, scary change for you.
Thank you!
Not at all! A year and a half ago, my best friend (who never was into babies at all, while I have always been very clear about my baby fever) announced she was thinking about getting pregnant and worried about waiting too long and I had pretty much a total nervous breakdown. (I am not partnered, have never been in a relationship longer than three months, and so don’t have a baby on my immediate horizon no matter how much I want one.) I literally started therapy because I was so upset about my friend thinking about having a baby.
Now, guess what, she is 6 weeks away from popping one out. In addition my sister-in-law and OTHER best friend are both having babies this summer, along with about five other women I’m friends with but not as close to. And boy, am I glad I have been in therapy for a year and a half! It was such a huge relief when both best friends informed me about their pregnancy to only feel a little jealous and only cry a little bit.
That said, I’m still worried about what’s going to happen. It’s hard enough having them live far away and be busy with other stuff, now adding a baby makes me feel like I will not be part of their lives at all.
I am trying to work my way up to having talks with both of them about how I still want to be part of their lives, and it’s okay if they’re tired and cranky, they don’t have to put on a good face for me or go out to a bar, I will come over and hang out with them and the babies — because for me, the worst case scenario is losing those friends. I am also in the process of moving closer to the them (not quite suburbs, but suburbs adjacent) not entirely but a little bit so I don’t lose these two people who matter a lot to me and are going to have other stuff going on.
Not saying you should do that, but just: you’re not alone in feeling this way. At all! And I think it’s very helpful to get those feelings out (not directly to your friend) so you don’t bottle and feel more and more resentful.
Thank you! It’s honestly so helpful to know that other people feel or have felt this way.
Acknowledging the big change in your friend’s life and how it makes you feel does not make you a terrible person at all. Choosing when/where to appropriately express your ambiguous feelings means that you’re being thoughtful and considerate. You’re doing great!
I can relate, one of my dearest, longest held friends just shared that she is expecting- and while I’m happy for her- I also felt a bit “wait, what about meeeeeeee??!?” Which I didn’t need to tell her about. I think you’re doing well.
Thank you! I’m genuinely trying really hard.
If you’re a terrible person, I’m a terrible person. My bestie just told me she’s trying to conceive and I’m so so sad. I think we’re normal. And I think dumping feelings on the toast rather than on our friends is a great idea.
Hugs to you too.
You’re definitely not a terrible person! It is indeed weird and strange and a bit painful to watch close friends develop in a different direction, and totally natural to feel like this. Also, you can become the wacky almost-aunt of a wee human now, and thwart all your friend’s plans of raising it properly! Which is a good thing.
Wacky almost-aunt is indeed my goal. Thanks.
Feelings do not make people terrible people. It is a big change and a lot going on, and I think you are very wise to come vent here so you can be more supportive IRL.
Thanks – I’m really trying.
Not terrible! I’ve gone through this with at least two close friends, and it’s WEIRD. You’re happy for them and yet you wanted to do the whole kid thing AT SIMILAR TIMES, DAMN IT.
Thank you!
Coming from the person who is your friend in this situation – you are DEFINITELY not a bad person. I will eat my hat if she does not feel similarly! I am the first in my peer group to get married and have babies, and I know some friends have felt like I am leaving them behind, and in a lot of ways, I feel like they are leaving me behind. Like my baby and my husband and my house in the burbs is an anchor keeping me in one place while they go ever onwards and upwards.
Do not hesitate to feel the shit out of all of those feelings! Also do not hesitate to express them to your friend, with the caveat that it should probably be in a “I am afraid you will leave me behind so I am going to work triple hard on our friendship because it matters to me!” kind of way and not in a “these are my feelings please fix them for me” kind of way.
I think you’re awesome. Things will change but they will be great. Also, your friend is going to really need you! My bestie does not have kids or a husband and I LOVE THAT. She is my lifeline, my connection to my non-mom self, and when I am feeling crazy and overwhelmed she brings me back to center.
Thank you! All of this stuff is super important to hear.
I think the absolute best thing you can possibly do is exactly what you’re doing right now, which is being supportive to your friend but also honest with your feelings, including the uncomfortable ones. That level of self-honesty is incredibly brave. Women are so conditioned to not admit to jealousy that owning those feelings is a revolutionary act, as far as I’m concerned.
I can’t tell you what will happen with you and your friend, but I can tell you what happened to my best friend of 20 years. What started out as normal jealousy over the paths our lives took –the stuff that could’ve been hashed out over a couple of nights of bad TV and worse Chinese carryout– multiplied on itself in her own personal pressure chamber and eventually became something too big for either of us to handle. It breaks my heart because she –like you– is not a terrible person, but that unaddressed jealousy (factored in with my unwillingness to ask if she was dealing with some jealousy, because the only thing less ladylike than jealousy is entertaining the thought that your life is enviable to anyone, anywhere at any time) turned into uncontrollable resentment and bad behavior that ended what should’ve been a life long. It’s a heartbreaker and I don’t want that for you or for anyone.
I have found myself getting upset at the news that a distant (online-only) friend was pregnant, and have reduced myself to tears imagining my close friends or my sister having babies. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I don’t want to be a bad friend, but I clearly have some weird issues about it.
Not terrible, I have been in similar situations and totally recovered 🙂 In my case it just took time to get used to it, and a few therapy sessions. Which, therapy can be very helpful, if you haven’t already explored that option. For me, I am not in therapy regularly, so I just emailed my family practice doc and asked for a referral to a social worker-type person. I said something like, “I just have some life stuff I want to talk out.” I think I went three of four times, and it was great.
Finances Thread! Below the jump.
I don’t have my exact figures in front of me, guys. Work is killing me. But I do know that I’ve paid off more than SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS of debt since the beginning of the year, and I’m really, really happy about it, even though that is only a fraction of the total owed.
You! Are! Awesome!!!
Congratulations!
Congratulations!! That’s amazing!
Congrats!
I started using Mint this week. Hopefully I will finally get my life together and be more of a Real Adult.
I haven’t made any HUGE progress, but I’ve been staying on track. I upped my savings again, so I’ll be at $1000 for my emergency fund by December even if I do nothing different. And I’m still ending with a small surplus in my budget at the end of the month.
My biggest budget worry still is how much freaking money I spend on food. I easily top $400 between groceries and eating out, and that’s 90% just me. Is that too much? Is that normal? It feels like too much for one person… but I already skip meals or go days without eating sometimes to save money. Where does it all go!?
I also signed up for Credit Karma, and it’s kinda cool. Depressing, but it’s good to know just how bad it is so I can make it better… hopefully. I paid off an account in collections last month, and I’ll probably try to get the other small one this month, but there’s four student loans totaling $30,000 in collections (in addition to the more than $100,000 that I’m current on) and I don’t know what to do about them. I wish I made more money 🙁
I’ve found its really useful to break it into groceries vs. eating out. Maybe you’ll find its like $150 groceries, $250 eating out… and for me, I’ve found that every $40 I can “save” on eating out translates only to about $10 extra spent in groceries.
I’m no saint though! I spend $300 on groceries, $400 on eating out (for two people) so nearly the same as you!
Is that food cost for a month? I’m assuming it is. If so, it seems a little high but that depends on where you live. I do the cooking and meal planning for us, and for my spouse and I, our food bill is around $50 per week. That doesn’t count going out or like, picking up beer to drink while we play marathon games of Civ. Come join us in the meal planning thread though if you need ideas!
Edited to add: we pretty much never go out for dinner, but do go out for drinks and occasionally brunch. Those funds come from a separate “envelope” (we use Simple bank) for “entertainment.”
If a lot of that is eating out it’s a reasonable number, but it’s also one of the easiest to cut down if you’re trying to save! (Usually, there might be reasons I don’t know about that would make it impossible/ extremely difficult for you to cut down on eating out.)
When I was really watching our grocery budget, we spent $400 a month on groceries for a family of three, without couponing or any extreme measures. Add another $50 or so for two cheap meals out a month (Chipotle, pizza). A lot of it can be done with simple changes, although you do have to accept that you won’t get to eat all the foods you want to all of the time.
You could probably get some good feedback if you wanted to post a list of the kinds/ amounts of foods you eat in a typical week!
“You could probably get some good feedback if you wanted to post a list of the kinds/ amounts of foods you eat in a typical week!”
That’s a good idea! I’ll first confess that I don’t track or put much thought into exactly what and how much I eat.
I actually just got back from a shopping trip! I usually grocery shop once a week during my lunch break and buy things for breakfast and lunch at work, and maybe a few dinners and lunches at home. Today, I bought:
Veggie ‘chicken’ sandwiches (enough for 4)
-boca chicken patties
-head of romaine lettuce
-bbq sauce
-buns
Sides:
-fresh broccoli
-4 instant miso soup cups
Breakfast smoothies:
– one bag each frozen strawberries, blueberries, cherries
– four packs of yogurt
Misc:
-taco stuff since I have some tortillas and such I need to use at home (seasoning packet, refried beans, boca crumbles)
– orange juice
– pack of tofurkey deli slices
– two bolthouse farms veggie juices
-pack of earl grey tea
Total: $68.72
I also eat out twice a week minimum because that’s my time with my best friend and my boyfriend. I spend about $20 each time. I also will sometimes (2-3 times a month?) stop and get take out or something on days where I’m lazy or I don’t have much to cook at home. I also like booze. Yesterday I spent about $25 on a cheap box of white wine and a small bottle of gin. That should last me a few more days! LOL
A typical work day is tea/coffee and a smoothie for breakfast, sandwich, soup and veggies for lunch, afternoon tea, and whatever is in the house for dinner. One weekday a week I eat out with my friend for dinner. On the weekend, I eat whatever’s in my house, not much planning there admittedly, and eat out for dinner with my boyfriend Saturday.
I guess I should get better at planning dinners? That’s probably my weak spot.
So as a pretty decent meal planner and cook, the things that jumped out to me were the convenience foods. I keep a vegetarian kitchen primarily (my spouse doesn’t eat meat, I occasionally do but have genetic cholesterol issues so very little), and stuff like Boca crumbles and tofurkey deli slices really add up. Here’s just some thoughts on how to substitute, using pricing from my local Wegmans:
Boca chicken patties ($3.49): get a block of tofu ($1.99) and slice into thick slabs. Cover with boiling salted water and marinate for 15 minutes, then bake or pan-fry until crispy, and slather on BBQ sauce.
Boca crumbles for tacos ($2.99-$3.99): cook up some lentils, black beans, or pintos, (dried legumes run around $1.20-$1.75/lb and a lb makes around 6 cups cooked beans), or use canned ($0.79-$0.99 per can) and gussy them up. Or even grab a can of vegetarian refried beans ($1.29-$2.00 per can), or seasoned “chili beans” ($0.79-$1.29 per can).
Tofurkey deli slices ($2.49) — use some of the cooked lentils to make a nice sandwich spread using some add-ins like salsa, hot sauce, tahini, lemon juice, herbs, and spices. Or crumble some tofu with some mayo, mustard, and diced celery and onion for a take on egg or tuna salad (add in some Old Bay seasoning!).
Instant miso cups ($1.29-$3.79 each depending on brand) — this may be harder to reduce but maybe keep a tub of miso in the fridge at work and add in el cheapo ramen noodles and some veggies from home?
Anyway, those are my ideas! A lot of my tiny grocery budget is because I cook a ton of beans and lentils, usually from scratch. A slow cooker is great for this — set it up Sunday morning and you have beans for the week by the afternoon and you barely have to do anything!
Those are all really great ideas! I LOVE TOFU, but I mostly eat it as it’s own thing. I really should use it as a meat sub more often. Thanks 😉
I also keep a mainly veggie kitchen, and Ethyl’s comments are spot on. I’d add that buying bulk spices and keeping them can be cheaper than buying premade things like seasoning packs.
For burgers/tacos, here is a really versatile recipe for veggie filling! We sub out different veggies depending on what we have on hand. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/sl…
Planning dinners in advance has been a revelation in food costing. I sit down with my partner on Sundays and write out what we want for the week, and organize how to shop the cheapest and extend things. Like one red pepper can go for two back to back meals, etc, Good luck!
Everything I’m hearing is such great advice, and so obvious now that I look back and think about it! I grow my own herbs and veggies, but thinking back to last year, I hardly used them. I used to live on dry beans and rice when I was in college, but now I think I’ve got a bag of beans in the cupboard that are untouched and over a year old.
I think I’ve fallen into some bad habits around food because of my office job and my more comfortable income. Paying more attention to what I eat, and what I buy and planning meals is going to be a hard habit to reestablish, but I CAN DO IT!
April is one of the two months where I get 3 paychecks instead of the regular 2 (since I am paid every other Friday). My plans were to save 100% of the extra pay but I’m probably going to use about 2/5ths of it to buy flights for a long weekend getaway. Feeling guilty…
I have been doing not so great. 🙁 March was very rough for me.
– New tattoo was a big expense, but I planned for it and was expecting it.
– I brought my bike in for a much-needed tune-up, and that wound up costing WAY WAY MORE than I expected.
– A large annual expense (service subscription) snuck up on me. I forgot it gets deducted in March. :/
So my savings got pretty wiped out, and I even had to dip into the Fuck Off Fund and I feel really bad about that. Now that I’ve been paid I was able to replace what I took out of the FOF, but ugh. Ugh. Feel like a failure.
Don’t feel bad! It sounds like you are doing a great job at recovering wisely from setbacks!
I took a second part time job on top of my full time job and I’m hoping it will make life a little easier! I’m also planning to use my tax refund to pay off most of my credit card debt. I owe about $2300 right now and my refund is going to be ~$1500, and paying off $800 seems wayyy less scary.
Do any of you have input on buying a (used) car? To get into the nitty-gritty a little, my net income (after taxes) is about ~$1900 a month, ~$22800 a year. This new job, if I keep the same amount of hours, will only add maybe another $300 a month/$3600 a year to that. Does that seem like enough money to maybe get a car? I feel like it SHOULD be, but I also never seem to have any money. I’d need to cut wayyy back on a lot of frivolities like my coffee shop and brunch habits and that scares me.
My partner and I accidentally started thinking about buying a condo. We went to a bunch of neighborhood open houses over the weekend, just out of curiosity, and ended the day being like “wait…we could do this? could we do this?” And then three days later I got a job.
So maybe we’re working on that now? We don’t really know where to start, and we are in one of the most expensive markets in the country, but we’re pretty financially stable, especially now that I’m employed again. We’re thinking of putting the difference between my new paycheck and my unemployment payment straight into savings to see how much down payment we can accumulate. And I guess we should also talk to bank people about mortgages?
Hahahaha I do not know what I’m getting myself into.
Ohhhh, how scary and exciting all at once! Yes, yes, you should get pre-approved for a loan before you do any real shopping. They take a real close look at your finances and give you an amount they’d be willing to lend you in the event you do decide to buy something. Pre-approved is not like actually taking out the loan though; you can still back out if you change your mind!
Good luck! My spousal unit and I bought a condo in a semi-affordable part of an expensive market last summer. I recommend getting book(s) from the library on “how to buy a house.” The books helped in that I knew what was going on, but I still underestimated the emotional toll it would take to get it all done. There were bumps (e.g. our lender did some math wrong and noticed the day before closing blargh), and overall it has been a somewhat mixed bag, but we are happy that we have a kind of rent control.
What is the gif from?
Hi toasts! This week started off lousy but is getting better, and I can only hope that next week will be A+ excellent.
Virginia Ticket Update: the attorney received my payment, and wrote to the court claiming me, yay! Of course he is now suggesting STRONGLY that I do at least four hours of community service before the court date. Which I have no problem with doing – I am a lifetime Girl Scout, after all – but WHAT??
Friends have suggested arranging things with a women’s shelter, a food bank or an animal shelter, and I think these are all plausible somehow, but I’m just baffled that they would have such a requirement *before* the trial/court date/whatever the actual name is.
Thank you for all the support in the past few weeks! I typically end up on mobile and unable to locate my threads after I leave work on Fridays, and you guys have been a huge, huge help and thank you. <3333
I need advice: a few weeks ago, on a cold and rainy Saturday night, an older and possibly homeless woman came to my door asking for money, and I gave her some. I’m pretty sure she had tried my neighbors, and that I’m the only one who answered the door and gave her money. Since then, she’s come to my house maybe once a week at different times–on a weekday morning, a Saturday afternoon, and then finally at about 9:30 last night. I don’t know what her problems are, specifically–last night she said she was hungry, before she said she needed bus money to visit her sister in the hospital. She seems distraught, and not really coherent. Each time, I’ve given her a few dollars. I’m not comfortable with the situation–I live alone and I’m not comfortable with a stranger ringing my bell at odd hours asking for money, but I don’t think she’s dangerous, and she’s clearly not doing great and I have sympathy for whatever her plight is–but I don’t know what the right and humane thing to do is. What do you think? Social services in my area aren’t great. Some of my neighbors are crazy and racist (she’s black) and could call the police if they see her (we have a significant amount of crime in my neighborhood, and my more racist and hypervigilant neighbors call the cops on anyone who looks like s/he doesn’t belong).
Oh man, that’s a tough one. A woman I used to work with in a bookstore would give money to a very unstable guy because she said even though he lived in his van “he’s so good to his dogs” (this wasn’t true, I saw him out in the world not treating them well at all), and he would come in far too often looking for her. But this is your home! One possibility: make a list of resources that might be of use to her if there are any nearby and tell her, “Sorry, but see if these will help.” Even directions to a legit place to panhandle would be a start. I did that with a guy who followed me home once, though I had the discussion away from my home. He was hostile for a while after that but he gave me more space. Good luck.
Excellent advice. I have only one detail to add: Don’t assume literacy. Yes, give her something written down, but say it to her out loud, as well. She can ask a friend to help her with reading if she forgets, but at least she gets info right away, from your speaking .
“You know the block with the CVS and the doughnut shop? Across the street from the doughnut shop is an office with a green door. It’s not just a homeless shelter. They also help with other stuff. Here’s the address.”
[Brought to you by an adult literacy tutor.}
Yeah, you definitely need to set some strong boundaries. You might need to tell her gently, “I wish you the best of luck, and I made a list of places that might be able to help you. I’m not going to be able to give you any more money though. Please don’t ask me for money anymore.” I agree that giving her a list of resources is a good idea.
I work in an inner city mental health facility, and let me tell you, there are a lot of people out there who do not know when to stop. There are a lot of people who are genuinely in need but YOU cannot fix their problems. Some people need to be told kindly and clearly that you are not going to be trying to fix their problems. Giving money to a trusted organization (food pantry, women’s shelter, etc) that helps people in your neighborhood is a great way to do good without inviting people to take advantage of you.
In terms of resources, a “street sheet” is list of places for people to get free food, and most people are really grateful to have a copy; many disenfranchised people don’t have access to the internet to print them out. Also be prepared to give her a verbal resource in case reading isn’t her strong suite. Like, “The shelter on the corner of 96th and Laurel street might be able to help you if you are hungry.”
Thanks, all! You have been a huge help. Work has been slow this week, so I was able to spend some time this afternoon looking for resources. I have a list of homeless shelters and food pantries, and a recommendation for a shelter/soup kitchen that is open 24/7. So I’ll be prepared next time she comes.
That’s a tough one. Even if social services in your area aren’t great, are there other resources (like charities) that you could pass along to her? Is there something you can do to help besides giving her money, like giving her food, hiring her for random tasks you have, etc.? Maybe you can lay down some boundaries about when she can ring on your doorbell or where you can talk that is safer for both of you?
Update on partner/drinking conversation in reply.
So, earlier this week I tried to have a talk with him about it. I asked if he had checked in with himself about the drinking, he said yes. I asked if he thought it was excessive, he said no. Then I said I’d noticed it had gone up recently, and I was a little worried about it. He got up, left the room, and started doing dishes. When he came back after about ten minutes, I tried to continue the conversation. He rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, so we’re not done with this?”
Then we had a somewhat long, somewhat one-sided conversation where he basically said I was having an emotional rather than intellectual reaction because I have alcoholic family members, said while I would prefer he “pour his worries out of his mouth into me [that is, talk to me] rather than pour his worries from a bottle into his mouth” he was handling everything fine, and he thought that it was patronizing that I check up on him like this.
Am I being overly sensitive, or was that somewhat of an odd reaction? What do I do next?
That is a very odd (and frankly, rather worrisome) reaction. At best, he’s admitted that he uses alcohol as a coping mechanism, and the patronizing way that he responded to your concerns is not great.
Also, even if you are having an emotional reaction, that does not make it any less valid. Emotions are valuable; they tip us off to things in our lives that are important even if we don’t intellectually notice them right away.
I don’t have any real advice for this situation, but I want to affirm that you are not being overly sensitive and that he reacted very poorly to your entirely reasonable concern. I wish you lots of luck.
Thank you for the affirmation! I feel very out of my depth with all of this.
That was DEFINITELY an odd reaction. Especially the “emotional rather than intellectual” part. What’s wrong with having an emotional reaction to something?? Emotions are part of how intellect is expressed, and so he shouldn’t be discounting you in that way. I feel like he doesn’t care that you’re upset by his behavior, and that’s a problem. I don’t know if he’s normally talkative when you two are having a fight or not (my partner tends to clam up pretty quickly, but then he’ll come around), but this issue needs some real, actual discussion.
I guess my question from here is how do I have that real, actual discussion? I feel like the last conversation set the tone that I’m a nagging busybody, so now I’m afraid that if I bring it up again it’ll just be more of that.
Of note, the night after we had that conversation he drank, didn’t come to bed, and passed out on the couch. Since then he’s had maybe 3-4 drinks (nightly) in my presence, and then has many more after I go to bed. So the other part of this is, I’m going to look even more paranoid if my only evidence is “you’re emptying a bottle of liquor every three days”
It sucks but I think you’re just gonna have to sit down and bring it up again. It honestly sounds like he’s the patronizing one here, trying to dismiss your concerns, your emotions, and your feelings. If you are honest about what his drinking is doing to you and he insists on not changing his behavior, then I think it’ll be time for you to really consider whether he’s a good person for you to be with. I’m afraid that if you don’t hash this out and come to a solution, you’ll start to resent each other as time goes on.
Just affirming to say you are not doing anything wrong. I wish I had some advice for you. <3
I’m going to look even more paranoid if my only evidence is “you’re emptying a bottle of liquor every three days”
no, no, this is not paranoid, this is actually reasonable evidence. his reaction was weird, and for me the worst part is that he left the conversation and expected that action to end it.
the thing is, anyone is going to sound defensive the first few times they are confronted about drinking, because they’re not used to answering questions about it, and really don’t want to think of themselves as having a problem. i’ve definitely had times in my life where drinking was heavier than it should be, and while it’s an instinct to smooth everything over and say everything is fine, i’ve had the most productive conversations when i’m honest about it and willing to try to figure out what my problem is. it’s usually not alcohol in an of itself, but i’ve learned to see when my medication is not helping.
ultimately, this is about how you communicate and solve problems. if this isn’t working for you, then it’s worth discussing, but it’s also worth trying to frame it as a set of your needs that aren’t being met [rather than his behavior that needs to change]. while it would be great if he could see that consecutive nights of heavy drinking following a conversation about drinking [and maybe no other emotional triggers?] was problematic and want to change on his own, the bottom line is that it’s not the lifestyle choice you want in a partner. or, i don’t mean to put words in your mouth, but state things as you see them for yourself and what you want for yourself, and how this doesn’t really fit with that.
this is a very tough conversation, i wish you the best.
also, sage and juniper were 2 of my foster kitten’s names last year, and the only 2 names that the adopters kept. so your name reminds me of my kitten sisters.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Yes, that is a very odd reaction, and it puts you in a difficult place.
Discussions take two people, so you can’t have a discussion with him about it unless he is willing to engage with you and discuss. So I would definitely try again, but (as much as it is awful) I would also sit down with yourself and think about what you are going to do if he simply refuses to engage about this. Are you going to put up with it? And if so, for how long, and in what circumstances?
The thing is, if it is making you uncomfortable, nobody gets to have an Objective Opinion about whether or not you’re ‘paranoid’ or ‘allowed’ to be uncomfortable or whatever. And I for one would be REALLY uncomfortable with my partner drinking that much!!
1. That is classic abuse behavior–oh, you weren’t done? Well I don’t care. And anyway your reasoning is stupid, and you are less human because you are emotional. It makes you not count in every way.
2. A bottle of liqour every three days is definitely EVIDENCE. What more evidence does he need, liver failure? Sorry, but seriously that is a lot, and if he thinks its ok to drink his feelings (which it seems like he is, since he said as much and refused to discuss and belittled you for continuing), you aren’t going to be able to change his mind or fix him. Have another conversation if you need to for personal reasons, or to say you tried, or something. But from his response so far I would figure out what you need to do to cope if this continues.
This is a very good comment.
That was a super odd reaction; your instincts are right. Unfortunately, having not been in this situation, I can’t offer any advice other than to affirm that your partner’s relationship with alcohol sounds borked.
That’s a good way of putting it.
You’re not being overly sensitive, and his doesn’t strike me as a particularly odd reaction. When I was deep into my problem drinking, those kinds of tactics were favourites of mine. Disengaging from difficult conversations, deflecting or reflecting responsibility, dismissal of concerns as irrational or emotional, and outright dishonesty (I don’t believe he really checked in with himself). These are all extremely effective ways to take advantage of someone who is trying to be compassionate and understanding.
I am not your partner, and what has worked for me may not work for him, but I found it extremely helpful when my partner was honest with me and came out and said that my substance abuse was making me less attractive to her. Part of me already knew that to be true, so it didn’t particularly hurt to hear it, but I needed to be told that I couldn’t just take it for granted that my partner would stay interested in me regardless of what I said or did.
Nope. Nope nope nope. You’re not being overly sensitive or unreasonable, that’s a concerning reaction. I’m sorry I don’t really have advice but just wanted to affirm you’re not being unreasonable.
As others have said, it’s patronizing for him to dismiss your concerns as “too emotional” because you have experience with this exact thing – you might pick up on problematic behaviors sooner than people who don’t have a history with alcoholic family members, but anyone actually taking an “intellectual” approach will see how that could in fact be a good thing. If his response to you expressing genuine concern about his health and behavior is to cast you as the “nagging harpy,” he is definitely not acting like an adult.
I don’t have any advice, really, except to keep reminding yourself that you’re in the right on this, and to push back every time he tries to put this on you and make you out to be one who’s not “handling everything fine.”
It is not an odd reaction, for an alcoholic. It is a totally standard alcoholic reaction. It would be an odd reaction for someone who did not have a drinking problem.
This is what I was thinking. SageAndJuniper, maybe you could check out an Al-Anon meeting, to talk to some folks who’ve been there/done that? Other than that, I have no advice, only that this was an extremely manipulative reaction on the part of your bf, and that it does sound like there’s something going on with his drinking that he really, really doesn’t want to talk/think/deal about.
I think this merits contacting AA and asking for advice about how to talk more seriously with your partner. I don’t have firsthand experience, which is why I’d go with an organization that’s all about that.
He’s clearly in a defensive mode and not taking this seriously while also being dismissive of your concerns. My instinct is that you need to figure out a way to have a serious talk with him about what a drinking problem would look like and how far he is from it, and also why you’re feeling the way you do (it’s not because you have alcoholic family members! Or at least that experience has just given you the tools to recognize a similar problem happening in front of you).
If he’s a good partner, he needs to at least take your concerns (including your emotions) seriously and be willing to talk to you about how to get to a place where you’re comfortable living with him.
You are not being overly sensitive. His reaction was bog-standard…for an alcoholic who doesn’t want to confront his problems.
I can’t offer much helpful advice as I had to leave my alcoholic ex when he refused to stop drinking himself sick all the time and blamed me for it. But I hope you can settle on the solution that will keep you safe and happy.
I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. No, you are NOT paranoid/overly emotional – your feelings about this situation are valid. I’ve tried having this conversation with my mother, and lemme tell you, it’s not easy and it pretty much went down the same way you described. People generally don’t want to admit that they have a problem, especially when it can be tied to an addiction.
Like what everyone else is saying, I would sit down with him – preferably not at night when he has already started drinking – and bring it up again. Go ahead and mention the empty bottles. I think that’s solid evidence, rather than you just being “paranoid”. If you have alcoholic family members, then that’s not you being emotional – you are coming from a position as someone who recognizes habits and traits of alcoholics.
I would also start thinking about what you’re going to do if his drinking continues or gets worse. If he refuses to address the problem and fix it, or accept professional help (especially if you offer it to him freely), then you need to start thinking about yourself and what’s best for you in this situation.
Others have already reassured you you’re not being overly sensitive. So I just want to add that this is exactly how my abusive ex’s behavior started turning bad. It was when I was bringing up how his behavior was distressing me, and his reaction was to double down on it and try and convince me it was all in my head. It was a pretty constant downhill from there. It seemed like the guy I loved had completely disappeared, and because I knew his behavior was coming out of a place of hardship, I really tried to save him. Just, think about what you can and can’t deal with, and set limits for yourself early. It’s really easy to put up with things you SHOULDN’T, because you love the other person and want to help them.
Yeah, I checked back in on this thread because something about the “your reaction to my drinking is emotional [subtext: invalid] because you have alcoholic family members!” thing really bugged me.
1. If I heard that my drinking was reminding my partner of an alcoholic family member, my first reaction would be to take a hard look at myself. Not to double down on “I’M FINE, GO AWAY AND LET ME DRINK.”
2. There’s a weird, gaslighty non-logic to it. “Well, you have experience with this very thing and my behavior is bothering you, BUT I’ve decided in advance that my behavior is fine and will not hear a word against it. Therefore the person with the problem is actually you… I’ve got it! It’s your past experience with this that’s the problem! Not my drinking, which is TOTALLY FINE.” The conclusion has been decided in advance, so the facts have to be twisted to fit it.
The fact that his partner (who knows what alcoholism looks like) is concerned should be reason for him to be MORE concerned about his own drinking, not used as justification for it.
3. He’s using something personal to try to invalidate and dismiss your reaction. I would be pretty pissed off if someone I trusted with information about a family legacy of alcoholism then turned around and threw that information in my face to try to weasel out of looking at his own (nightly, excessive) drinking.
yes! exactly. Also, I can’t believe I didn’t include this: besides abusive ex who DEFINITELY had a drinking problem, my sweet, caring, excellent in every way partner also developed a drinking problem while we were dating/things came to a head. With him, I broached it as a topic of concern, and, since we were long distance, basically said “I don’t think it’s serious enough that you need to cut out drinking entirely, but I would like you to stop drinking around me.” His response was basically “Okay, I’ll reflect on that further, and sure, if drinking around you makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop!” 2 years later he was like “eeecstatic…I think….that I have a drinking problem.” and I was like “doy, I told you that a while ago.” So, two cases of telling boyfriends that they had drinking problems. Neither thought they did at the time, and both took a long time to accept that they were alcoholics, but the guy who I wish I could go back in time and NEVER HAVE MET treated me like a crazy person for feeling that way. The guy who I love and has turned out to be an incredible human being in all aspects of his life? Actually listened, and even when he didn’t immediately stop drinking, never did so in my presence again. Those are really, really important differences.
From where I sit, this reaction is not so much “odd” as contemptuous (the eye roll) and self-serving (not assuaging you but rather deflecting so that you’re the one with the problem). Not an okay way to treat someone.
Of course, I don’t know your partner, nor you. But I hope that this outsider’s view helps you maybe reframe the interaction. Is counseling or Al-Anon an option for you? Good luck to you!
Hello Toaster Strudels! I’m finishing up a week holiday with my family and heading back to reality soon. Feeling rejuvenated after a week of solid time with the kids and partner. I did not realize how much I needed this. Just wanted to say holla! Will be back to my regularly scheduled procrastinating on The Toast next week when I am back in my cube at work. Have a great weekend all!
“Toaster Strudels” is a delightful moniker and I am so pleased to have been granted it, thank you.
Chex Mix has been my lunch three days this week. How is that right or fair?
Sounds perfectly right and fair to me, unless someone is unfairly preventing you from a) seeking out moar Chex Mix and/or b) seeking out pho, or pizza margherita, or something else fantastic you’d like to be eating.
I love Chex Mix so the only problem I can see here is that there is NOT ENOUGH CHEX MIX or that you have had Chex Mix ONLY THREE DAYS.
I went to ECCC last weekend so I missed the OT. However, I had lots of fun, got to see so many awesome costumes, bought lots of books and art, and got a picture with Nathan Fillion!
I did 3 days of costumes, which was too much. However, day two was my Dragonage Inquisition beige pajamas with adorable nug slippers that my friend made. It was super comfy. She did Mass Effect PJs with reaper slippers. We were the most comfy people at the con I think.
*Sees nug slippers*
!!!!!!
*Notices other slippers and realizes they’re reapers*
!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1111!!!!!!!one!!!!!
My friend did such an amazing job making them. I’m tempted to tell her she should make more and sell them on etsy 🙂
She absolutely should. I would buy them all and have the coziest feet in the world.
I would buy a nug and a reaper and smash my feet together to have the Reaper eat the nug…or the nug eat the Reaper?? Anywho, would buy!
I’d definitely buy a pair!
We were there Sunday only (Saturday had sold out by the time we got tickets). Met Rose McIver from iZombie and saw Nathan Fillion from afar.
It was my first time at ECCC or any con, it was a lot of fun!
I tried to reply by email, but apparently that is broken, so here is what I was trying to say:
I was in a room with another Toastie and didn’t know it!I’m glad you had fun, ECCC is a pretty good first convention, although it’s so much bigger than when I first went 5 years ago.
If we both go next year, perhaps we should try and meet up.
Yeah! That’d be great. We are planning to go next year, and hopefully go on Saturday.
Replying to myself because I forgot the most exciting thing from the weekend. Dameon Clarke was there and in the best $20 purchase of my life, my phone ringtone is now Handsome Jack yelling at me by name and telling me to answer my phone. It is glorious.
…Holy shit.
Has anyone else seen Allegiant?
I really liked it, which I think might be an unpopular opinion. I liked that the plot changed so dramatically from the book (I really disliked the last book). It sounds like they’re still going to do the controversial thing in the last film, but maybe they’ll do it less badly. Some of the sci-fi elements (and the red radioactive landscape) were really silly, but I thought it was fun. (Also, Theo James’ eyebrows are great).
Yes! I really disliked the last book and thought about skipping the movie. This is great news.
(I, too, am so here for those brows)
Hello, my Toasties!
First full week at my new job is this week, and it’s lovely. The guys are fantastic (small construction company, I am the only woman), the work is probably going to get tedious but I have free reign to make things function as well as possible, so I get to plot about efficiency (my second-favourite thing to plot), and on slow days they yell at me to GTFO if I’m hanging around past about 4:15/4:30. I feel like I’m actually helping them, which is awesome.
Plus I started climbing more, which is really helping my body issues. Whether or not my body changes at all, being active clears my head and knowing I can do cool shit really helps my emotional state. I’m already climbing better than I was a few weeks ago, and that’s pretty dang cool.
Generally, life is good for no big reason, and I’m happy. Any small things making y’all happy? What good things are going on in your world?
Any Toasties who went to Wellesley and/or Columbia who have opinions on those schools and the various cultures surrounding both? (Might be deleted at a later point because my comments are fairly innocuous but I might be doxing myself so)
I went to Wellesley! What aspect of the culture are you curious about? The students, the profs, the town?
Overall, i had a really good time there, mostly because there are so many awesome women at that school! There are also some very elitist students, but they are not the norm. The vast majority of the profs are really awesome, supportive, and passionate about working at a women’s college.
It is definitely not a school for everyone, but if the idea of going to a women’s college sounds great to you, you’ll probably really like it 🙂
oh hi! I went to Wellesley!
I want to be tempered because while I had a fantastic, wonderful, amazing experience at Wellesley, I understand that it is not in fact an institution for everyone. However, Wellesley was where I became my best feminist self and I loved every second of it.
I realized I wanted to go to Wellesley when I attended spring open campus (I looked at Wesleyan and Bryn Mawr’s spring open campuses as well) and two things happened- I had a great hostess- she seemed like someone I could be genuinely friends with, and I felt similarly about most of the other prospective students I saw. Additionally, I attended an alumnae panel. I don’t remember who was speaking or what exactly was said but I remember getting the feeling that “wow, these alums feel CRAZY STRONGLY about Wellesley and they’re NOT EVEN THERE anymore. Maybe they’ll help me find a job after I graduate?”.
If you have more specific questions about Wellesley’s culture, I’d be more comfortable going into detail over email- peacenator at gmail dot com.
Best of luck in choosing!!
also a quick note- one big difference between the two schools independent of co-ed vs single sex, is that Wellesley is most definitely not in a city. It is accessible TO Boston, certainly, but it takes effort and planning to get to Boston (a 45min-1hr bus ride), so if city life is important to you I would keep that in mind. On the other hand, Wellesley’s campus is one of the most beautiful around and being able to walk around the lake in the spring/fall is a wonderful thing.
I went to Columbia and have opinions. Quality of education is top-notch, and I am a huge fan of the core curriculum. Going to school in NYC made me older and harder, earlier, than I probably needed to be. Good in some ways, for sure. But in other ways, I wish I had gone to a place with an actual college campus and campus life. I would have (might have) preserved my youth longer, if that makes sense.
What kind of cultural info do you want, specifically?
A good friend of mine had the same basic thoughts (I don’t think you are her, but who knows?) She visited me several times at my school, a state U in a town where the campus was pretty much the only thing, and was really stunned by the fact that my classmates actually spent time casually hanging out with one another, like by drinking cheap beer on someone’s porch, rather than by disappearing into the city to hit up clubs that she wasn’t cool enough to get into/ couldn’t afford to spend money at. Of course I have never been a Columbia student myself and I know that “midwestern college town” isn’t everyone’s cup of tea either, so what do I know.
Hey, I went to Columbia! That was more than ten years ago (ugggggh) and I know things have changed in the intervening decade, but fwiw I LOVED it. I may not be able to comment too much on the culture because I kind of ignored it in favor of working off campus, but the experience was A+ for me. Yes, there was a segment of the student population that seemed kind of shitty (privileged and unaware of its own privilege), but at the time the school didn’t have the kind of insular campus culture that makes it inescapable. Like I don’t remember there ever being any sort of campus-wide scandal, although maybe I just wasn’t paying attention. Also this was before almost all forms of social media.
Tl;dr Columbia was great, I am old.
I realize that was very nonspecific and possible not helpful, so what I experienced FOR THE MOST PART was a bunch of delightfully nerdy and passionate students who genuinely enjoyed being at a great university and in New York.
What up, I graduated from Columbia 3 years ago! My main piece of advice is don’t go there unless you’re really excited about the Core. I loved it, I can’t imagine my education without it, and I think it’s what sets Columbia apart from other rigorous schools, but it does take up a lot of time and energy, so you have to want it. As for the culture: I don’t think it’s true that people just disappear downtown and there’s no social life on campus. It’s definitely not super insular the way a school in a college town would be, but if you want campus community there, you can find it. And the city is amazing, Morningside Heights is great, and living on campus means you can experience it without a lot of the stress and inconvenience that you would get if, say, you moved there after graduation and weren’t a millionaire.
Happy to answer more specific questions if you have them! I was a humanities major, studied abroad, and worked part-time on campus, if any of that is relevant.
Hello everyone! Longtime lurker, but I’m still pretty new here.
A good thing that happened to me: I’ve been accepted into the grad program I wanted! I’m very excited, and nervous too, as I will be moving to Toronto, a far more daunting place than anywhere I’ve lived before. If anyone here is from Toronto… advice would be appreciated, haha.
I too a year off after getting my bachelors, and in a way it was a good choice, because now I am desperate to go back to school and get out of my retail job. I am grateful for having a job, but… I feel so stagnant. Recently I for a $0.25 wage increase, and only during the hours I’m performing my extra duties. I know I can’t expect much more in retail, but I’m kinda miffed because those duties I perform come at an extra $5 cost to the customer getting that service, and every time I do it I’m maybe getting 50 cents extra per customer at most? Kinda frustrated I won’t be getting the $5 charge, which sounds pathetic but means a lot to someone making just above minimum wage.
Sigh. I can’t wait until the day I never have to work retail again. I’m tired of having to pretend I’m not an introvert and be constantly chipper to customers who look at me like I’m a talking piece of furniture. At least I know that I’ll be going back to school really soon!
I’m also looking forward to making new friends at grad school… but worried that it’ll be a repeat of my undergrad where I struggled to make friends and connect to people. I don’t have many friends right now, and most days I hardly even interact with my roommates, who I’m really starting to doubt actually like me as a person anymore…
Hrm. How do you cope with loneliness, and how do you make friends?
Often the thing about grad school is that it will force you to talk to people and connect with them, even if it only starts out as asking a classmate a question about an assignment or something else related to classes. You might not end up besties with those folks, but at the very least the forced conditions can help establish some amount of camaraderie (even if it’s shared annoyance at that one prof who runs seminar like a game of “guess what answer I’m thinking of”). If they have a grad orientation, someone will undoubtedly suggest getting a drink afterward and tentative bonding will occur. (Speaking as a severe introvert and former grad student.)
I went to school in Toronto, and I kind of love the city, so I’m a bit biased here. My Toronto tips:
– bsbree is entirely right to suggest thinking of Toronto in neighbourhoods. Also, most of the big highrises are concentrated in a relatively small portion of the city, and most neighbourhoods are full of old houses or midrise buildings, especially in the parts that aren’t right on a major street. So in some ways it’s not nearly as daunting as you’d think once you’re in the middle of it. (I suspect this is pretty standard for big cities, but Toronto was my first big city, so I didn’t really realize it until I lived there).
– If you are going to U of T and living near campus, I highly recommend buying groceries in Kensington Market. Oxford Fruit is an excellent place to buy vegetables, and My Market Bakery has many delicious baked things. Plus they have pizza dough in the fridge at the back, near the cash register.
– If you need to get away from the city-ness of Toronto for an afternoon, try the Toronto Islands. The ferry is apparently $7.25 round trip now, and it’s a nice boat ride and then lots of wooded trails and also a big formal-ish garden if you prefer that. And there are beaches, though I never went swimming there. There’s not a lot of places to buy food, though, so I usually pick up some filled buns from a bakery in Chinatown first.
– The Lillian H. Smith branch of the Toronto Public Library has a much larger science fiction and fantasy section than you’d expect for the size of the building, or at least it used to. I suspect this may be because the TPL’s scifi & fantasy reference collection is housed in the same building. It is also near U of T.
I’m not good at the loneliness and friends thing. But if you’re going to U of T, they have roughly a billion student groups, and also the grad student union runs a pub, which I mostly ignored when I was there because I wasn’t a grad student but it seemed nice enough. If you’re going to Ryerson or another school, they probably also have roughly a billion student groups each.
Oh, I forgot to mention the labyrinth!
There is a nice labyrinth made from paving stones that is right smack dab in the middle of downtown, but it’s surrounded by trees and buildings that cut down on the noise a lot, and there is a fountain that helps cover the noise that gets through. If walking a labyrinth is a meditation-y thing that you enjoy or find helpful, then I recommend this one because it’s convenient and publicly accessible and has pretty nice surroundings. It does tend to have people walking across it or eating lunch by it at some times of day.
I had a bit of difficulty finding it the first time, because of the bit where it’s surrounded by buildings. It’s here on Google Maps.
Thank you so much, these are all really great suggestions! And I definitely need to check out that labyrinth.
Toronto is great! I am biased because I am a city person all the way but it is a city full of small, weird, charming bits and you will find a place for yourself, I am sure. Toronto Toasties are great, I see someone posted the link to the group already, so join that and we will be your friends!
Please ask if you need specific advice about where to live/how to find a place/how to get things done here, I love talking about Toronto. Craigslist and just walking around a neighbourhood are best for finding apartments/rooms in houses and viewit.ca has most of the managed apartment buildings. I have friends who did the grad residence thing at U of T (Grad House and Massey College) and liked it, if that’s more your style. The transit system is pretty good and pretty safe. Many of the museums have free/pwyc nights which is a nice way to get out and feel cultural without spending a lot of money.
Aww, thank you! This is really making me feel better.
I’ve applied for grad residence (I thought it might be best for my first year there at least), but if that doesn’t work out I’ll have to go apartment hunting. Thanks for the advice!
I join all the groups that are related to my interests. In Texas, I had my dance and running buddies, In wisconsin, I have my running, fencing, and sewing buddies. I’m a generally anxious person, so making sure I make every meeting I’m able to (sometimes shit happens though), and being as friendly as I can be. Some days are definitely worse than others (Last night was not great, because I was feeling anxious).
And grad school is different than undergrad. Your program will be smaller and filled with nerds that are interested in the same subject as you, which makes making friends a bit easier. Just focus on shared interests or concerns.
Ooooh, hi! I too moved to Toronto for grad school, in the 2013/14 academic year. I had some familiarity with the city (family in the area) but I was moving from Sydney, Australia, so yeah, it was a big leap nonetheless. My MA program was really small, and very intense, so very quickly we all became very close. Some of my classmates were roommates at Grad House and are still there, living together and doing their PhDs.
Toronto is very big, but it is very easy to navigate since everything is on a grid. If you get a TTC (public transit) student ID card, you can get a monthly discounted transit pass. Beware: transit passes are not monthly in that they are valid for 30 days; they are literally valid for one calendar month. Buy one at the end of each month for the next month coming, don’t be me, having to get loonies and toonies from the bank for bus money.
Also, definitely go to the Allan Gardens Conservatory at least once, maybe a few times. It’s a massive glass conservatory full of amazing plants, and it’s open year round, so in darkest February you can go and sit among rhododendrons or cacti or next to a turtle pond and be warm. It’s at the intersection of Carleton and Jarvis Sts, pretty close to U of T.
Ok, this is question about Microaggressions. I’m a white lady so microaggressions aren’t something I’m super experienced in.
But I feel like the women in our office don’t get listened to by Grandboss (Boss’s boss).
EDIT: holy crap that was a novel, see the reply for the whole thingy.
Background: Most of the women in his department are the Library staff, including my boss with the exception of two dudes: the catalogger and is pretty quiet but all right, and the instructional technologist who is also cool and I work with him frequently and we do some training together. But women mostly run the department, doing front line work, collection development, liaison work, training, special collections, whatever.
We are in the midst of moving part of the collection downstairs. Co-worker 1 and I have been working on planning for the 1000+sq feet that will be emptied by the move. Boss has said she’s tried to discuss this with Grandboss but he won’t listen to her and she’s obviously sick of being in the middle between us asking for answers and our Grandboss not answering questions or giving details.
So, she set up a meeting on Monday with the Librarian Staff and Grandboss. It was going to be Me, Co-worker 1, boss, and Grandboss. After the meeting, Co-worker 2 and I were talking and she suggested that I invite the Instructional Technologist, because Grandboss listens to him.
I started thinking, whenever anything that the female staff comes up with something, we always get the brush off or he get’s super aggressive about being right. He also, based on conversations with some of my buddies in tech, never comes in and yells at them and defers to their expertise. He comes in once or twice a semester to yell at the librarians. Last time it was about the WIFI going out and us waiting for the policy mandated 5 complaints before calling one of the IT guys, a policy that was put in place by the IT guys who would have to come in.
He won’t talk to any of the women in the office, when introducing us to people like the Provost, he’ll just talk right over us after we’ve said hello, even if the provost asks a direct question (Happened to me and Co-worker 3). He really only talks to the women in the office when we’ve offended in some way, but stops by Instructional technologist’s desk to chat about once a week. This is super awkward since he has to walk by the cubes of at least 3-4 women to do this.
He’ll also ignore us if we’re in a mutual conversation with a dude, and act like we hadn’t said anything.
The thing is, I’m not sure if this all counts as actual chilling behavior, because the rest of the department’s all right.
We just got an HR department in February (after existing for almost 160 years) and they’re dealing with the fact that the regulatory paperwork REQUIRED by the feds has been spotty at best. So I don’t want to be all like “Hi, HR Lady, you seem nice. I have a problem with my boss’s boss, but I understand if you’re more concerned that the feds will raid us over immigration paperwork.” (There’s also been talk of the staff chipping in and buying HR lady some alcohol and or spa days because damn that’s a shit job here).
Anyway, um, what should I do? Should I do anything? I mean, a lot of it can be just chalked up to being a rude asshole, but is it?
Isn’t being a rude asshole what microagressions are all about? [white lady here too, 100% Just Guessing]
Generally? I mean, there’s rude assholes then there’s rude assholes who are only rude to certain types of people?
I had a grandboss like that once. I was a technical writer in a room full of male engineers, and he would come in and greet each of the engineers by name, and not say hi to me. He had my boss tell me “Good job” on a project, rather than telling me himself – even though his desk was all of five feet away from mine. He was the fucking worst, and it’s definitely a thing.
That’s dumb.
What’s going though people’s mind when they do this? Like “if I don’t talk to them they can’t accuse me of sexually harassing them?”
I don’t even think it’s anything that overt. It’s more like… just, conditioning.
Here’s a probably-poorly-thought-out metaphor: Most of us have been around children sometimes, right? Like, not all the time, and we don’t hang out with them on a regular basis, but a percentage of the population are children and we are likely to encounter them.
And we all sort of know and generally accept that children are not as experienced in life as grown ups, and therefore haven’t developed the skills to be insightful or thoughtful or to meaningfully contribute to conversations that we would presume are over their heads, right? So when a child jumps into a conversation between adults, we tend to discount what they’re saying because we’ve already decided that it will not add value to the conversation. And maybe we don’t go out of our way to talk to children because their perspective and way of communicating is different from ours and that would be uncomfortable for us. What would an adult even say to a child? It’s not like we have common interests. It’s easy to be dismissive of things children say, because we already know that their ideas are not as fully formed and complex as an adult’s. And a child isn’t going to fight back against that dismissal, because children have almost no power in this world and in fact are taught not to take advantage of what little power they do have.
Thing is, children are humans. They may have a different perspective and think differently than we do, but that does not make them any less human, nor any less deserving of our respect and attention. Other children have no problem understanding and valuing them. Adults who have spent a lot of time with children and have made efforts to approach the world from a child’s perspective can understand and value them. Children have a lot to say and a lot of it is important, if we just took the time to listen. It’s not the children that are ignorant, it’s our perception and treatment of them.
Same thing, but men/women. It’s just kind of culturally taken for granted that women are not to be valued the same as men, and it would be pretty easy for a man to go through his life without challenging that assumption. Sounds like this guy has. It’s so ingrained he’s probably not even doing it on purpose, which is all the more infuriating.
So. That’s sad. And now I’m sad. And also sorry you are dealing with Very Real Super Microaggressive Grade-A Bullshit.
Don’t take the male co-worker in as gender translator, though, or Grandboss will start treating the male co-worker like the manager of the women. Meet Grandboss in person or do the thing in writing.
He already does.
And Dude-Worker was sick today so…
NYC Toastie with (access to a friend’s) car here! Bartender, I’m not sure if you were soliciting suggestions for day-trips, but I’m gonna give ’em to you!
I’m from the west coast originally, so I try to explore the cities around NYC as much as possible so I can better get to know the northeast. One of my favorite weekend trips is Beacon, NY. The DIA:Beacon museum is well-worth seeing, and their Main Street has cute and affordable gift shops, galleries, thrift stores and restaurants. Tarrytown/ Sleepy Hollow is a beautiful area. We used to visit Stone Barns (Dan Barber’s agricultural center) just to eat at their awesome café and wander around the farm, but they restricted access to members on the weekends. I think the public can still sign up for different programs and access it that way.
New Haven, CT is really nice. Fun to wander the Yale campus and visit their art gallery. It is also home to Pepe’s, which is, hand-down, my favorite pizza anywhere! The furthest north I’ve been is Hudson, NY – laidback, small town vibes, lots of (expensive) antique stores and a super cool music venue called Helsinski that has amazing bands come through. Melissa Auf der Maur from Hole/ Smashing Pumpkins lives there and has a big event space called Basilica that also gets fun events. I haven’t been to Basilica, but did see her walking down the street with her baby, as if she is just some normal human being and not a damn rock goddess.
Have fun exploring!
I second Beacon! I don’t have a car, but v easy to get to without one, and I also suggest hiking to the top of Beacon Mt if you’re into that kind of thing, the view from the fire tower is A M A Z I N G!
Also Storm King NY for the huge outdoor sculpture garden, and Lambertville NJ for the Golden Nugget Flea and cute antique stores that are all very affordable if you need furniture and knick knacks at not NYC prices!
Lambertville is right across the river from New Hope, PA too – they go hand and hand and they are equally fun, but New Hope is well known for being LGBT+ friendly and also has a strong pagan undertone?
Basically from what I’ve gathered it’s great for Toasties of all flavors.
New Hope is also wonderful!! I just am particularly enamored with that specific flea market and New Hope is ~slightly~ more expensive as well (more vintage oriented stores rather than like, thrift), but I really love New Hope, the vibe is great. The last time I went we parked our car in some dudes backyard who had a telephone booth with a life size doll propped up in it and various doll parts scattered around the parking area.
New Hope is great. It has an antique bird cage/Victorian mourning jewelry story where I got to see some Victorian pornography hidden in a ring. A+++
However, the exotic ice cream story is closed, which is the saddest thing.
thank you. never heard of it before!
thank you! sounds super!
Storm King! Yes!
Seconding Beacon – it’s gorgeous. An easy train ride, too!
There is a winery/distillery called Warwick Valley, about 45 min by car from NYC, and it is also a fun day trip. My friend has a friend who works there, and she hooks us up with free samples. They make Doc’s Draft cider, Brooklyn gin, Warwick gin, and some sort of meh wine. If you go in August/September, it is easily paired with the NY Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo Park!
Brilliant
Also if you like hiking or the out of doors or anything like that, check out Bear Mountain! It is lovely and that’s not just because I did my master’s thesis on the rocks there (if you’re curious about the composition, though, hit me up)
awesome! though not super into hiking in reality (amazingly so in theory)
THANK YOU!!
Dating thread? Continual source of horror in my life but apparently that doesn’t stop me from talking about it all the time lol
Inspired by the first person I’ve really clicked with in forever informing me yesterday that he’s gonna have to move to the other side of the world, possibly next week THANKS COOL LIFE BYE
I hear you. I was dating this great guy for a couple months, and it’s been a while since I liked someone so much, but his mom is dying, so we broke up because he wants to spend time with his family. It is totally understandable, but seriously, what the fuck, Universe?
yeah this is a work situation and a great opportunity for him so I get it, nevertheless the petulant child in me is going BUT I LIKE YOU, HOW DARE YOU LEAVE
Ugh dating is the worst. I just went on a series of dates with someone and thought things were going well, but just got informed that he wasn’t feeling it. So, back to wading through awful profiles on dating apps!
HERE FOR IT.
1. Dude I was seeing a bit at the end of last year who I really liked in spite of many clear signs of his unavailability (practical more than emotional but still) who kinda-sorta disappeared a couple months ago has resurfaced, hinting at a positive change in his circumstances but still being a bit infuriating. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow. Despite my better judgment and endless self-work, I’m pretty much already having a low-level panic attack about it. Why are feelings.
2. A newish friend invited me to her b-day last week without a heads up that she had clearly pimped me out to a dude there, who, while attractive, employed, and pleasant smelling, a. needs a green card b. recently had a child he’ll never know with a casual fling in another country c. told her he didn’t think I was interested bc I was “stiff”, but she should give me his number anyway. Because I’m DYING to call that guy.
Like I look at #1 and am like, why am I putting up with this BS, and then I look at #2 and I’m like, oh.
! I would be distancing myself from that friend…friend-pimping, NOT COOL.
The universe is fucking with all of us, that has to be it. I’ve been on several dates with a dude. Who I’m completely smitten with but who has kids and lives a non-trivial distance away. If we were to do a long-term relationship my life would be the complete opposite of what I’ve been planning and working towards. My brain says break it off before I get too attached, my heart/vagina says noooooooooo.
Continual source of horror in my life YEP!
Ugh. I’ve been on a million dates, and I hate them, and I hate everyone, and last week I promised myself and anyone who would listen that I was DONE online dating. DONE! but this girl just asked me out so…
ugh. here we go again.
Realized that I almost exclusively fuck/medium-term-attract extremely extroverted hot dudes* because they’re the only ones with the confidence to try, since my intimacy issues/general terror make me come off like a vicious ice queen. I’m also currently kind of a bad bitch professionally and artistically, which I think gives the impression I would be more aggressive/forward if I was interested, which is not remotely true.
I would like to date different kinds of babes with less extreme temperaments, but I’d have to take the wheel more and I seem just totally unable to do so. My current strategy (i.e. waiting around) is definitely not working for me, though.
*I basically don’t fuck or medium-term attract anyone so this is not as appealing a situation as it may sound
this is a touchy topic, but:
how do you help a significant other that is going through a divorce?
(to be clear, he is divorcing his wife. i am his girlfriend. we only started dating after they were no longer living together, but now they’re really getting into the process of it.)
So I’m poly, which means I’ve supported my partners when they break up with other partners. My biggest piece of advice: while your SO will probably want to vent about his frustrations, do not become the receiver of all his trash-talking and complaining about his soon-to-be-ex. It’s just fucking toxic, and all that negativity can damage your relationship with him. Some complaining is fine, sure, but be firm that he should find someone he’s not romantically involved in to take on the majority of his venting.
good advice. thank you!
Dated a person who came out as poly well into our relationship, so had a little experience with this.
It is okay to have boundaries– to be able to offer some things he needs, but not all the things. Like, if you can offer cuddles and favorite foods and distraction, but can’t help your beloved human with processing the particulars of his relationship with his wife, THAT IS OKAY– just say so.
thanks for this advice.
i’ve been struggling with how to let him know that it’s obviously okay to be sad and angry and upset about his relationship with his wife deteriorating, but that hearing about it too much makes me feel like garbage. like, i logically know that he’s going to have a strong emotional response to the situation, but the illogical part of me is just a klaxon wailing “HE’S NOT OVER HER”—even though he was the one that left.
I’ve been through the same thing your significant other has: I did the leaving, started dating a wonderful new somebody, then had to take care of the whole paperwork-and-heartbreak process.
My new dude was very solid in his boundaries with me where my ex was concerned. He had no problem saying “I know you’re going through a hard thing, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. Let’s do something distracting.” It was hard for me to accept sometimes, but I knew my feelings were my own to manage. Speaking of: remember his feelings are his own to manage. You can’t “make” him feel something, good or bad, and should not take on any responsibility for such. If you are starting to feel like garbage, then the topic should have changed ten minutes ago. He is having big emotions, but that doesn’t make yours less important.
The dude was also was talented at helping me see things from my ex’s perspective. A large part of that was that his wife had left him too; he was seeing my situation from the other side of the table, as it were. And I was heartbroken and angry and often felt like he was “taking my ex’s side,” but it did also have the effect of helping me be more compassionate and understanding toward my ex, especially in the long run. More than once I heard the phrase “Well, he’s heartbroken and not acting rationally. Try not to take it personally.”
As others have mentioned, no trash-talking was tolerated. I could vent if I wanted to about the things I was angry and upset and sad about, and he was willing to listen when he had the spoons – but as soon as I started talking trash it was time to change the subject, along with a healthy dose of “That’s mean and I don’t think you really think that about him.” He was able to recognize things like “Yeah, that was bad behavior and Ex didn’t treat you well,” but that never ever progressed to “therefore he’s a bad person and fuck him anyway.”
YMMV, of course, and I don’t know if any of this is a recommendation, per se. Just… yeah, it’s rough going, but strong boundaries and as much compassion as you can muster will go a long way. I wish you the very best through all of this and many many Toasthugs.
thank you so, so much for sharing this.
Ooof, that is SO hard.
It doesn’t matter how “ready” he is, he will go through a grieving process and it will be brutal. He’ll feel like a failure for letting his marriage fail. He’ll feel remorse. He’ll occasionally want to stop the divorce and try again.
None of this has anything to do with you. It doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship with him.
Brace yourself. This is going to be really hard. Prepare for some basic things in your relationship to change: your sex life may shift, your moods and reactions will be different (both his and yours).
As far as helping goes, give him space and time to grieve and deal with this. Exercise your patience muscles, and do a lot of self care. You won’t be able to help him if you aren’t okay yourself.
thank you for this. it’s really very helpful.
Sending many gentle thoughts your way. I went through this about five years ago. I did eventually have to put my foot down, in the sense that what he was doing clearly wasn’t working for him and I asked him if he’d be able to take a step back from something or at least try handling things in a different way, which is what I think he needed to hear. It was a difficult time, and still rears up when I least expect it.
thank you. i’m sorry you went through that, but i’m glad you put your foot down, and i hope i have the strength to as well, if i need. it’s so early days here, and i know there is a very very long road ahead.
It’s finally spring-y here! What has everyone been doing outside lately?? What are your outdoor plans this weekend??
I have so much stuff around the house I need to do- planting and cleaning gutters and clearing brush and cleaning the garage. But this weekend I have a bunch of fun stuff planned! Eating (and drinking) outdoors, exploring a state park with the new boy, finding a place to take some pretty pics of a quilt I just finished, and setting up my new hammock!
HAMMOCK???? I’m fuming with jealousy. Hammocks are the ultimate in relaxation technology!!!
I have stuff coming up this weekend which I’m very excited about – setting up the veggie garden and going shopping for dog supplies! Our dog arrives next weekend, so we have a lot to do, but we also want the garden done before he gets here so that we can devote all our time to him! It’s a lot to accomplish in a very short time period but the weather’s supposed to be nice so I can’t wait to get started.
cleaning & reorganizing the basement stuff into the garage so some foundation guys can come do seismic retrofitting so our house stays in one place during earthquakes. i know everyone is jealous of my fantastic-sounding weekend!
a hammock sounds dreamy!
I have been clearing out leaf litter and throwing down grass seed and this weekend it’s time for HARD CORE weeding. And window washing! Which actually always makes me feel great.
Boston toastfriends with pets, where do you board your dogs/who do you hire to dogsit them? I’m trying to find a place for my pup to go while I vacation in August and really would love some recommendations.
Hi Toasts, makeup question! Or, more precisely, a lipstick question. I have two red lipsticks that I LOVE that are the only reds I’ve found that work for my coloring: L’Oreal Colour Riche Penelope’s Red #320 (apparently it also used to go by Evangeline’s Red?) and MAC Lady Bug.
However, both these lipsticks are kind of sheer/creamy and I’d like to find dupes of them in formulas that last longer or have a more matte finish.
I know it’s kind of a long shot, but Toasties, you are my only hope!
Try Kat Von D’s liquid lipstick in Underage Red (terrible name, great colour). It’s pretty close to Lady Bug as I remember, and it’s matte and lasts a million and a half years.
oooh I’ll totally try that!
I have found that temptalia has a pretty good dupe section with photos you can view side by side.
I totally forgot about their dupe list – thanks!
I appreciate their consistency in swatch photos, so you really can say ‘nope that is more orange’ or ‘okay it’s darker but I can live with that.’ There are other dupe lists but I find this one is a good UX.
NYX’s matte lipstick is pretty rad, and they have a lot of reds. It’s really hard to judge what they’ll look like on your face though, so you might have to try a few to get the right one. Upside is they’re cheap!
I have a silly vain problem. I went to the dermatologist this morning to get a mole on the back of my neck checked out. I’ve had it since childhood but my mom pointed out when I was home for Christmas that she thinks it’s gotten bigger and darker. It’s fine, but the derm told me that if I want to remove it I can. And now I don’t know what to do! I don’t see it and I don’t think about it that often, but I do get self-conscious when I remember that it’s probably something other people notice when I wear my hair up (it’s pretty big). Is it silly to go through a procedure to remove something I can’t even see? Or to pay to have this done when 85% of the time I totally forget it’s there? But now that the concept’s been introduced I keep thinking about what it would be like to be mole-less…
(Also my asshole 3rd grade teacher called it a “wart” and told me to go have the school nurse look at it once for no apparent reason, and maybe that’s stuck with me more than I realized?)
eh, vanity gets such a bad rap. if you think you’d like to be mole-less, get it removed! if you decide you don’t mind, leave it be and get it checked every once in a while. it doesn’t have to be a morally fraught decision. you do you!
Possibly unhelpful, but just as a data point – my partner has had a few moles removed and he has very visible scarring. (It’s on his back, so not an issue.) This might not be the case for you – his were being investigated for possible cancer (not present), so they probably went deeper than they would with a purely cosmetic removal, but just to raise the possibility that there could potentially still be something that makes you feel self-conscious.
Yes, I asked about that and the doctor said I would have a scar but it would probably fade eventually. I actually already have a couple of chicken pox scars on my neck so the concept doesn’t really bother me, but it’s another thing I’m considering.
Another perspective: I got a few removed from back (one was covered because it was raised and right on my bra line, so often got pulled and would bleed… therefore “medical”, the other cost me $75) about 5 years ago, and the non-medical one GREW BACK bigger and badder than ever before. It’s so ugly. Maybe I should go again, actually
If yours grew back, please please please get it checked out by a doctor.
Of course I did the week that I noticed it came back. I also get them checked and measured once a year by my dermo. Many are huge and some are even growing, but that doesn’t mean they are medically necessary to remove. She says they are all fine
I’m firmly in the “pro mole removal” camp, because I was in your situation and mine turned out to be melanoma! So! I would say go for it – the scarring does indeed fade quickly (I’ve had several removed since the initial cancerous one) and this really is an issue to play it safe with.
I got rid of my massive neck mole when I was in the Air Force. Whack that sucker off. Go for it.
I get moles removed frequently. It’s a quick exam-room procedure. Cannot remember the price, so not a big one. No regrets for removed moles. Nagging worries about moles I ignore. So, “Off with their heads!” is my motto.
If it bothers you for *any reason* and you can afford to get rid of it, do so. There are very few irritating body parts one can be rid of in such a simple fashion as a mole. I have gotten rid of a few on my back that no one would ever really see, that were completely benign, but they bothered me when I would touch them while putting my bra on or scratching an itch. I feel nothing but joy that I rid myself of this completely trivial annoyance.
Mild scarring is the only possible negative outcome, and if your dermatologist has already cleared this mole for removal, I assume it does not have the kind of deep roots that would leave a larger mark or pit (if that is something you care about).
I think moles are beautiful, and if it isn’t dangerous, why get it removed? Would you rather have a scar than a mole? Let people notice your mole, who cares what they think about it. (OK, I’m not entirely objective, because my then best friend had an absolutely adorable little mole on her nose, had it removed, and now everytime I look at her, I notice the small scar on her otherwise flawless skin. It makes me so sad.)
Edit: oh, looks like I’m the only pro-mole here. FREEDOM FOR SUPPRESSED (benign) MOLES. *shakes fists*
I’m less anti-mole, more pro-scar
I’m pro-saving money!
Coincidentally, I am scheduled to have the Big Three moles on my neck and shoulders removed next Wednesday. I’ve had them since I was a kid and I have *hated* them since I was a kid. No one has especially remarked on them, I just don’t like them. One is at collar level, so gets irritated, but the other two are just there. No worries about them, and the doctor mentioned that one of them is likely to leave a ‘noticeable’ scar. I don’t even care. I want them gone, and if it means a scar, so be it.
So I’d say it is up to you. Do you want it gone? More than you would care about a scar? Then go for it. 🙂
Toasties, I just found out that my first boyfriend in a decade (second ever), who dumped me in January after three months (& after pursuing me for about twice that long??), not only started seeing someone else only a month later, but also managed to squeeze in another hookup attempt within days of our breakup. And I see him almost every day.
So. I don’t comment here as much as I’d like but a hug would be appreciated while blind fury battles with feelings of complete unloveability?
*hugs* What a monster. I’m sorry.
HUG FOR YOU.
Oh I have been there. If it makes you feel better in his case the girl he moved in with after a month (two months after dumping me because he “didn’t want to be in a relationship right now”) was a terrible drama filled relationship and all of hia friends hated her. The next relationship I had (six months later) is the one I am still in, seven years down the road.
I have actually made my peace with that dude (and he’s now happily married to a lovely woman) but I still feel a teeny bit of schadenfreude that my immediate relationship future was much smoother than his.
I am part of a performance group called “Naked Girls Reading” (it’s what it sounds like). Last Friday, I read “Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body” and it was THE MOST PERFECT, SUBLIME MOMENT OF MY LIFE. The audience loved it, I loved it, the horrified aliens pretended to love it, it was great.
this sounds AMAZING
IT WAS. I used a Marilyn Monroe-esque sex kitten voice… Except for when I couldn’t keep a straight face and just giggled through sentences.
PERFECTION! Way to use the Toast in the wild!
Working girl update.
I gave my how-to-write-an-email class, and people RAVED about it, and so I gave it again for all the managers and the cofounder, and THEY raved about it, so now I’m doing a class for every single department.
I won the monthly employee award thingy, which is, as all these things are, a popularity contest, but I appreciate it because it means I’m doing some big stuff but that I’m not giving myself some kind of off-putting reputation. It makes me happy that my peers recognize my work and want to reward me for it.
I was asked to look over the presentation that the cofounder and sales team lead are giving to our biggest major partner, a multi-million dollar company, and in fact to please be in charge all presentations anyone gives in public from now on.
I was asked to go to a conference in another state with the sales team lead and our best salesperson (both women, yay) and pitched a huge PR idea to the company, and they think it’s a great idea, and if I pull it off my job will officially be about 50% communications, 50% content creation, which is where I need it to be if I’m going to make a successful case for them making me Content Director at the 6-month mark in this job.
Three months, two weeks. I have ten weeks to continue to do good shit so they promote me.
Oh, and I made work buddies with my colleague who I’ve been working through a big project with! He is an awesome guy about my age, and we have a lot of fun working together, and we had this exchange on IM recently:
Me: *bitching about a thing that happened on social media* (incidentally I’ve adopted you as my work-buddy, I hope you don’t mind)
Him: dude! im so glad you said that
i was hoping we were work buddies but didnt want to be assuming!
Me: we are totes work buddies
Him: NICE!
I MADE A FRAND!
I don’t really post (usually because I can’t remember my IntenseDebate login info), but there’s a situation that is bugging me and I’m not sure if I am the problem.
Life has gotten really stressful in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been sick with The Cold That Never Ends (as has my entire office), things keep breaking in my apartment that will need costly repairs, it’s one of the busiest times of year for my job, and on top of that I’ve had a constant background anxiety hum because my mom has a (benign) growth in her brain that will need surgery later this year. I dropped out of the vacation I was supposed to take this past week because I needed the vacation time to be present for my mom’s surgery later this year.
My most high-maintenance friends are now giving me shit because I was straightforward with them that life is really busy and stressful and I don’t. have. time. to spend talking them through their problems right now (e.g. hours of my weekend parsing an email one of them got that they didn’t like, interpersonal issues with their roommates, etc.)
I’ve gotten a bunch of bullshit back along the lines of, “well you can’t be SO busy that you don’t even have time to take FIVE MINUTES to say HI” (yeah, sure, “five minutes” of listening to you bitch about your roommate for forty-five minutes; that seems plausible), and other insinuations that I’m not being truthful about how busy, stressed out, and physically ill I am.
I lost my shit on each of these people separately, as I felt my integrity was being attacked (on top of the rest of my life feeling like it’s slowly collapsing), by people who have the least reason of anyone to do so.
I guess my question is – am I the problem here, or are the people who send guilt-trippy “I would prefer that you just be HONEST and ADMIT that you DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME” messages being crap? I know how it feels from my side.
Pictures of narwhals or tiny hammerhead sharks also welcome.
Omg no, your friends are absolutely the ones being crap! They sound like they don’t have very good boundaries. You’re allowed to be too tired and ill to help them process things emotionally, and they’re being really rude and kind of emotionally manipulative about it.
Thanks for the perspective. I think I also feel guilty that I’m deliberately prioritizing certain things (work, fixing apartment including a literal hole in one wall, my mom) over others. Plus these friends HAVE been there for me in the past when I’ve had other issues. But then again, I’ve also been there for them (recently, even), and at no point do I recall signing a contract that I had to be an on-call Friendship Indentured Servant when my own life is this overwhelming.
It’s the combination of the assumptions about what I’m capable of (when I’m actually at my limit right now), the feeling of entitlement to whatever spare time I do have, AND the childish guilt-tripping when they don’t get their way that are getting to me.
The problem might be that there aren’t very good boundaries in your friendships or that the sudden change in boundaries is throwing off your friends.
Have your friends dealt with issues on the same scale? Were they able to keep up with helping you with smaller issues when/if they did?
You don’t have to feel guilty about your current priorities. With the disclaimer that I don’t want to make assumptions about your motives and you should analyse them yourself, it sounds like you’re in a very emotionally draining situation and that’s why you’re having a hard time being there for your friends.
If it comes up again, don’t (understandably) blow up at them. List the things you’re going through and explain that you’d like to be more supportive but that you’re not in the best mindset to give them attention and good advice. You’re already feeling guilty enough and they shouldn’t guilt-trip you.
Thanks for the time and thought that you put into your answer. I get what you’re saying in the last paragraph, but … I already did that. I listed the things that were happening and preemptively let them know I wouldn’t be around much for a couple of weeks. And got really snotty “just admit you don’t want to talk to me” answers back, with a heaping side helping of “well ~~I~~ don’t think of my friendships as things that I consciously choose to prioritize or not, ~~I’m~~ always there for whoever needs me” [not actually the case and not something I expect] from one friend.
Without going too much into detail, I don’t think that they have dealt with issues on this scale (and the snottiness about the scale of what I’m actually going through is a big part of this for me – each of these people separately characterized it as “a bunch of household chores”, which, no).
I don’t talk about most of my own issues with them most of the time because I already hear plenty about how hard their lives are, and don’t want to add to what they’re going through. I thought that perhaps if I explained what I WAS going through, they might understand and not take it personally that I don’t have free time right now. That did not work out.
So now the temptation to be snotty and dismissive back about the scale of their problems is what I’m actively trying to resist.
I guess I was looking for 1. validation that these are real problems and I’m not dumb or incompetent for not ALSO having time and energy for my friends, plus 2. perspective on whether they were being as manipulative and unfair as I thought they were. And I’m trying to do it in this space rather than in a stupid text fight about how no, the fear that my mom could die is not even remotely comparable to your roommate leaving shoes in the middle of the floor.
I do appreciate the perspective and will keep thinking about how I can set better boundaries in the future.
Wow, that whole thing is just NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPETOPUS.
Your friends are, frankly, being asshats. Which at this point it sounds like you already know. But just to reinforce: Ass. Hats. Hats for asses. An entire asshaberdashery.
I highly recommend that the next time someone trots out that (horrible and SUPER manipulative) “Just admit you don’t want to talk to me” …. Yeah, go ahead and admit it.
“Actually you’re right, I don’t want to talk to you. I have a lot going on and am not able to be the friend you so obviously need right now. I’ll let you know when that changes.” + hang up/walk away/close email window for a good long while. If that loses you a friend, then you have all the information you need about what kind of friend that was. (Spoiler: a shitty one.)
Tl;dr the correct response to “I’m having a really hard time right now” is NOT “yeah yeah ok cool and all but what about meeeeeeeee” UGH SERIOUSLY
Thanks for this. I think the problem is that I am VERY touchy about people questioning my honesty (or as possibly-ex-friend put it “calling out my bs”, to which I definitely had an “Excuse you?” reaction), and I don’t want to feed into the “I WAS RIGHT, NOBODY LIKES ME OR WANTS TO TALK TO ME AND I HAVE *MADE* THEM ADMIT IT TO ME BECAUSE I AM THE EMOTIONALLY HONEST AND TRUTHFUL ONE HERE” game. I was initially sorely tempted to go with “No, I didn’t want to talk to you at an already emotionally draining time, because YOU are often an emotional drain”, but I didn’t think it would serve anything.
I also have 40 unread messages from this person right now that I am deliberately not reading because 1. I don’t feel up to it, 2. I have been busy with work and calling my insurance, and 3. the chat program has read receipts.
EDIT: I also don’t know if your username is a reference to something, but it very accurately sums up my mood lately. “Yes! Rocketship! To the moon, away from people!”
It’s blowing my mind that they play that game. I don’t think I’m as touchy when friends wonder if I just don’t want to talk to them and even I would be pissed off about this. You’re not wrong at all.
Yeah, it also kind of blew my mind that ANYONE’S response to “hey I’m super busy, stressed out and sick, and here is why” would be to feel the need to “call me out on my bs”, let alone two separate people. So I did wonder if I was the problem somehow.
On the other hand, my other friends are responding to it fine and even being actively really helpful in a couple of cases, which suggests to me that I’m not.
That’s a normal response…….for manipulative, selfish assholes. The other friends you have are the ones to be spending your precious resources on. My prediction: after a week or two of low contact on these two rectal haberdashers, you will feel so much better and not even be able to put your finger on why.
RECTAL
HABERDASHERS
One apologized and is now on “light conversational topics and cute animal pictures” duty. The other I’m ignoring until I feel like reading 40 messages about how I’ve grievously wronged her by … having problems in my own life and being upfront about that, I guess? I’m quite a devious plotter, me.
Oh my. 40 messages? That’s over the course of like… years, right? Not days? Surely no one sends 40 messages without a response over the course of days. O_o
Goodness, keep on not reading them. Like, permanently. Fuckin’ A. Have you ever noticed how the ‘4’ in ’40’ looks an awful lot like a red flag??
Honestly, I don’t think it matters what you do or don’t do, this person is going to keep on playing the “I’M HONESTER THAN YOU” game no matter what. You don’t need that in your life now or ever. Easier said than done, I know, but…. FORTY. UNREAD. I CAN’T EVEN.
To be clear: My astonishment is not at the number of messages you have not responded to. My astonishment is at the number of messages that were sent after no response. Someone thought to themselves “Surely wingstroke will respond to THIS one” FORTY TIMES IN A ROW. It is astonishing. Do not respond. As the lovely Captain Awkward says, that will only teach them that they will get your attention on the 41st try. HEIGH HO NOPETOPUS, AWAY!!
(Glory be to Captain Awkward and the Nopetopus gif.)
Also, I appreciate the username aside. It is only a reference to my response when people learn my middle name – but ‘YesThat’sRightRocketship’ seemed too long, and ‘Rocketship’ is apparently already taken. If I could shuttle you to the moon on the power of my middle name, rest assured I absolutely would, you sound like you need it. I hear the moon is lovely this time of year.
And now we shall see if any of my friends are Toast commentariat and haven’t told me. 🙂
Nopetopus gif is pretty mesmerizing if you are sleep-deprived and stare at it for too long. I feel like the movements of all the legs are hypnotizing me into calm.
FORTY UNREAD MESSAGES WHAT NO ok you officially have my permission to put this person in time out Jesus.
I’m sorry if the validation didn’t come across in my comment! I absolutely agree that these are real problems you’re dealing with and it’s understandable why they’re your priorities.
The fact that they’re complaining directly in response to telling them about what’s going on (as opposed to spontaneously complaining) is unacceptable. They are being terrible and manipulative. I don’t think it would be out of line to remind them that your fear about your mother trumps a roommate being mildly inconvenient. They need to understand this if they care about being good friends.
YesRocketship picked exactly the right word to describe this situation: NOPETOPUS. I agree with everything they’ve said. My own approach would be a bit different since I’d say “I did want to talk to you and be friends, but maybe you’re right. I don’t need friends who question how much I’m struggling right now”. (I don’t know how harsh you want to be.)
No, it was a great comment and your questions were good ones! It reminded me that this is fundamentally a boundaries/expectations issue, and maybe not primarily a “somebody is unfairly questioning my honesty” issue, which is my own big thing. It allowed me to step back a little bit and think, “OK, this person is expressing their disappointment that their expectations are not being met because of my boundaries at this time, and they are doing it badly.”
I am going to take the weekend to cool off and try to get on top of all the Life Stuff, and will likely not respond to them at all until I’m in a better frame of mind.
Thank you again. Here are some narwhals who may or may not be about to fight a duel (the middle one is the ref, I assume).
How about a ridiculous Weebl and Bob video about narwhals? https://youtu.be/ykwqXuMPsoc
Wow, thank you! That was the first time I’ve laughed out loud in a few days.
(INVENTORS OF THE SHISH KEBAB)
Something that’s really helpful in situations like this is to think about what a person with good boundaries and empathy would say to you. Maybe even how you would react to one of your friends saying you are too busy and overwhelmed to talk.
A good friend with good boundaries would probably say “oh man, that sounds so stressful, let me know if I can help in any way, and let’s touch base next week!” Followed by a low key check in like “how’re you feeling this week, can I bring over a casserole and a bottle of wine or something?”
Also spending hours and hours analyzing a single email is nuts, don’t do that anymore. That’s a waste of your time and almost certainly not a good thing for the brain of your friend.
Yes, thank you for that last sentence, I’ve suspected that it might not be helpful as well. Lately (past few months) that particular friend has almost seemed to be spoiling for a fight, reading malicious intent into interactions that don’t actually seem particularly offensive to me. But nor do I want to make someone feel invalidated about the microaggressions they might be experiencing, etc.
The thing is, I am happy to spend SOME time talking about why my friend isn’t feeling good about an interaction they had, IF I HAVE THAT TIME AND ENERGY TO SPARE, and if that will help them come to terms with it in some way. Right now I really, really don’t have it in me, plus it doesn’t seem to help the overall problem of “friend looking for hurtful intent in every interaction with everyone” (ironically, now directed against me for saying I’m busy).
Yeah I have anxiety and panic attacks and all that and what I’ve learned in therapy, and what appears to be supported by the evidence, is that fixating on things won’t help. Reassurance seeking, overanalalyzjng, just keep you focused on the cause of the anxiety. Anxiety LOVES this and convinces you that the fixation is what will save you, but it’s not true.
Now, you’re not this friend’s therapist, so there’s a limited amount you can do, but I suggest starting with this Captain Awkward post, and maybe set some boundaries so that you can stay sane and maybe encourage your friend to get some help (your friend sounds like she really needs help, those are not normal behaviors or coping mechanisms): https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/28/question-14…
Hahahaha, I love Captain Awkward and have read all of the advice posts from the beginning (I think I’ve had it in my RSS feed aggregator for like… four or five years now?). That website has helped me a lot with getting treatment for my own depression and anxiety and with setting better boundaries with people in general. I donate whenever there’s a pledge drive.
This is a friendship of long standing and this behavior is relatively new. I’ve been concerned for a little while, but I figured there was some other temporary stressor and that my friend would eventually snap out of it. I think this friend would get a lot out of therapy and have gently tried to encourage exploring that in the past. I’m not sure that raising it again now would do any good, but once tempers have cooled and I have regained the wherewithal for that conversation, I will bring it up.
I was thinking you should fire that person as a friend, but if it’s a long standing friend with just new weird behavior, then it probably is some stressor in their life like you said. And it’s not about you, it’s something they have to deal with, so try to remind yourself that it’s not personal to you, it’s just them lashing out. And if they’ve been a good friend in the past, they’ll probably make their way back to being a good friend again once this stressor is dealt with. But take care of yourself and keep away if that’s the best way to keep calm. It sounds like you’re already doing a good job of that.
You are 100% not the problem here. I think that the best of all friends are the ones who accept when you are having a tough time and let you disappear for awhile if you need to.
Now, if you were never ever there for them, that might be an issue but that isn’t your situation. Maybe if you guys are super close you could have a conversation about it later, when you are feeling better- but if they respond this poorly than maybe you should reassess your closeness. It is possible that they are also super stressed and this is how they are acting out, and talking about it later when everyone has calmed might be good.
Thank you. Yes, I am definitely reassessing right now.
I guess it feels to me like it’s one thing for someone to tell me they’re hurt that I haven’t had time lately, and quite another for them to accuse me of lying about being busy and stressed out and sick and do the whiny “just ADMIT you don’t want to talk to me” thing. My hackles go way up when I feel the other person is trying to manipulate me with accusations of dishonesty.
Plus the ENTIRE POINT of the preemptive “here’s why I’m busy and haven’t been/won’t be around much” message was so that they wouldn’t take it personally. This is just making it more likely that I’ll ghost on them for weeks in the future rather than deal with the self-centered nonsense.
Ugh somehow I missed that. That is totally unreasonable. Frankly I think you were being way nicer than you needed to be.
At this point I’m just Google Image Searching tiny hammerheads.
Tiny narwhal?
yeeeeesssss magnificent
This week I had a Firm Conversation with the guy I’ve been seeing about how 1) if he wants to continue seeing me, he needs to reply to my messages in a somewhat timely (i.e. not a week later) manner, and 2) for the forseeable future, I want a specific timeframe set up for when he’s going to call me (i.e. “I’m going to call you at three” rather than “I’m going to call you sometime next week” or “I’m going to call you sometime tomorrow”) because thus far, vague promises on his end always seem to end up falling through. And it WORKED. I feel like Supergirl.
As someone who can be disorganized and bad at communication (and usually is not solely due to the magic of Google Calendar), I think outlining your expectations super-clearly like this is actually very kind. The part of communication that trips me up is often all the ancillary stuff like “oh when exactly were you thinking of talking, 3 or 4?” or “oh crap I wrote this one thing right at the bottom of my to-do list and didn’t realize I still hadn’t done it yet, now it’s too late to call”.
With someone who says “Does 3 next Thursday work for you? Good. We’ll talk at 3.” I can put the appointment in Gcal, a reminder pops up on my phone, we talk, and I don’t feel stressed about having to PLAN to talk. If that makes sense.
It makes total sense! I am also prone to disorganization unless I can write everything down, and I know for a fact that he works well when he has specific Appointment Times (because meeting with people is actually his job) so this way he knows when to call me in a way that works for him, and I can keep my anxiety at bay by looking at the clock and going “oh cool, I’m not expecting a call until three” and go about my business without worrying about when/if I’ll hear from him.
Can Toasties continue the discussion (prompted earlier this week or last week by the Katie Heaney article) of figuring out sexuality a little later in life? My life till now has been very similar to Katie’s pre her realization of her sexuality. I’m pretty sure I’m straight, but maybe leaning towards ace? Or maybe just have a lot of anxiety that confuses things? (I’ve also been dealing with a lot of terrible male behavior in the past year, which makes it hard to want to date them.) But it seems like a lot of people believe they’re straight but aren’t thrilled about dating/sex/relationships with the opposite sex for years before realizing they’re not straight. My big fear is wasting years of my life doing it all wrong and not knowing something so essential to who I am.
I think the thing to remember is that really, there is no way to “do it all wrong.” I identified as straight into my late 20’s, and it was only when I was very close to 30 that I realized ace was a label that matched how I felt and that I wanted to adopt (so maybe not super late in life, but still I think what most people would call ‘later.’) The thing is, I always knew who I was – I knew certain things didn’t appeal to me, I knew how I felt. Sure, I struggled with the fact that my feelings didn’t seem to match up with what was considered “normal,” and feeling both broken and unwanted. I still struggle with how I identify sometimes, and worry that I am not being “ace enough” to call myself ace. But when I’m honest with myself, my struggles are not because I don’t know who I am or how I feel, but because I worry about being able to neatly check a box and fit one definition. So hopefully hearing that will be helpful to you, along with some encouragement that you’re not alone in struggling with these kinds of questions.
Thank you for this. I can identify so much.
Hey! I’m 29 and just started identifying as queer and am a big pile of confused about it. I agree with what lucyish said about fluidity– your sexuality can change throughout your life, and figuring it out slowly doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve wasted time. I mean, much time can be wasted in the wrong relationships regardless of what your sexuality is, right? Anyways, my boyfriend bought me this helpful book that I have not read yet but might be of interest to you:
http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understandi…
Would also be happy to share more about my personal path to queer identify as well, if you’d find it helpful.
Hi! Also late-in-life, most possibly ace here. I’m adamant that it’s no waste of years to figure things out (slowly and thorough instead of too-fast, and painful), but I know it’s not helpful when the culture we live in insists there are only one, possible two ways to Do Things Right.
Which is bullshit. You’re not doing anything wrong in being yourself, you can’t “Do Life Wrong”. You can only look at the decisions you make, and try to do the thing you’re most comfortable with.
This would be me! I basically put off thinking about the fact I was attracted to girls for YEARS so even though I knew about it, I wasn’t dealing with it. Well, now I’m dealing with it (at least, moreso than I was), but I’m not sure how much weight to give my feelings about it at any given time. I also end up thinking “What if I’d known…” which I can then usually talk out to “I didn’t know, and that’s okay, and now I do, and that’s awesome.”
I don’t really have anything helpful to say, I just wanted to offer you a fist bump of solidarity.
That is to say, despite having figured out the ace thing several years ago and being (mostly) comfortable with it, I’m still unclear as to whether I’m biromantic or aromantic or homoromantic or WHAT. I feel like an almost-30-year-old like myself should have this down pat by now! Spoiler: I don’t, and it’s frustrating and stressful. So, I feel ya.
I think I might be in the same boat as you. I think back on high school and I definitely remember being attracted to people, but right now it has been so long since I’ve actually been interested that I’m thinking ace might just be my default state and maybe earlier attraction was more due to hormonal puberty shenanigans than a reflection of how I am? For me, it has helped to stop thinking about as if finding the correct label will suddenly make everything clear/reveal an essential truth about myself. All I can really do is say that at this particular point in time, this is how I feel and this is what I am/am not interested in.
Honestly the ace thing can be super hard to feel sure about even when you are actually pretty sure? It’s really hard to know you don’t want something. I’ve IDed as Ace for about five years now and I still quite regularly catch myself doing self-interrogation over it. It goes something like “Um, remember how you really enjoyed the first thirty seconds of the video for Push Up by the Freestylers when you were thirteen? You were super aware of your crush’s body heat that one time you sat beside him? Not to mention how pretty you find all women. And just recently you spent like five minutes staring at that picture of a celebrity (trying to figure out why everyone was saying it was so hot when it was just a dude with holes in his shirt)? The evidence is clearly against you, you are a false pretend asexual who lied to everyone you love.”
Once I catch this train of thought I can derail it by asking myself “Have you ever actually looked at a person and thought you would like to have sex with them? Have you ever had a sexual fantasy that involved yourself?” and that the answer to both is no reassures me. But even if the answer to either or both questions was yes I could still be asexual, so although this method works to reassure me, it doesn’t actually make it a sure thing. You can only go by your own feelings and that’s not super helpful when you don’t know what they are.
The concept of greysexuality might be useful to you? And celibacy/not dating is an option no matter what your sexuality, so maybe try looking at it as a question of whether you would be happier staying single or trying to pursue a romantic relationship rather than a question of sexuality?
No matter what, living your life is not wasting your time. Just try to avoid doing things solely because you feel obligated and try to think about what you personally want. Your actual desires are more essential to who you really are than having a label, though like I’ve said, it can be pretty hard to know for sure what your actual desires are/n’t.
Bridesmaid duties: Help
This summer my friend J is getting married and I am one of 6 bridesmaids. We are planning a surprise stagette for her that currently involves $40 each for a limo, $60 to tickets to a strip show, $85 for a fixed-rate dinner, $? for drinks, $? for contributions to a split gift, $? for covering J’s portion of the evenings festivities. I’d estimate $300+
J is younger than me and for most of her friends, this is their first friend’s wedding… I remember being 25 and super excited for weddings, blowing the budget because it seemed like the biggest event ever. But now I’m 30 and going to 5 weddings this summer, and I feel like such a debbie downer for continually suggesting cheaper options. Like, $85/person? Surely a million nice places can be more like $25-30?
Plus, she’s a pretty chill friend and while she’ll be a good sport for anything, this hoopla doesn’t seem like her deal. I think she would be horrified to know that her party seems like a mandatory $300/person. Ahhhh what to do?
I’m commenting not so much for advice, but because I’m in the same position and will probably need some of this advice down the line. A friend a couple years younger than me is getting married, I’m one of 7 bridesmaids, and everyone is LOSING THEIR SHIT. I can see events coming down the pike where I may have to put my foot down. You are totally within your rights to assert what you’re comfortable spending (and also bring up what the norm is/what you’ve spent on this kind of thing in the past — they may not know what’s reasonable).
Man, I would nope right out of that whole situation. Maybe decide what your $ limit is, and only do one or two of the things on the list? Since you’re an old hag you can make up old person reasons why you need to arrive late/leave early. I have actually used needing to give my cat his medicine as a reason to leave a party at 9. Be creative!
This is assuming talking sense in the the rest of the girls or getting J involved isn’t an option. Another thing I keep in mind is, am I going to see the rest of these people much in the future? If not, who cares what they think of me, I’ll rain on that parade and say I can’t/won’t spend that much on something.
SAY SOMETHING. Got married last summer, would have a million billion times rather had more friends than fancy events.
But I would have HATED anything that involved a surprise, so there’s that.
If you think she would be horrified to learn about how much is being spent on her surprise party, TELL HER. Part of the reason I opted not to have a bridal party at all is because I don’t want to make my close friends feel obligated to shell out any more time and money than it takes to just show up at the wedding. If I were in your friend’s position, I would indeed be chill about it, but also feel really weird and guilty.
Also, there is no reason that you can’t throw a much more inexpensive surprise party! There’s only six of you, plus the bride, so you could always do some fun bonding activity that doesn’t involve a limo shuttling you to various locations.
How’s your relationship with the maid/matron of honor? Ideally, it’s totally acceptable to state your concerns and suggest alternatives, but I get that with some bridal parties that can blow up in your face. Still better to say something than over-extend yourself, and if it’s a party that will get upset with you over it, it’s frankly not a party I would want to hang out with all night…
In my experience the limo is only really worth it if the party is large and the drive is going to be a long one. Bringing store-bought drinks for the limo might cut down on the tab later. As would hiring smaller cars or just doing something like Uber? Or pare down the festivities/say you’ll join them at X stop? I have been in parties that did some or all of those things.
Say something! The other attendees could be feeling the same way, and if they are young and haven’t been to many events like this, have no idea that there’s another way!
I’m kind of enjoying being unemployed at the moment. The money worries haven’t set in and I have a lot of time to spend with my tuber.
But I feel like this is a big opportunity to decide what I want to do and get my life onto a track where I feel happy and fulfilled and, um, I have no idea how to really do that and turn my skills (writing! getting along with literally anyone!) and my interests (writing! coming up with ideas! fantasy!) into a career. So I’m adrift in a sea of possibility and trying to get some direction to a friendly shore before I die of dehydration because there’s water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
Does anyone have any recommendations for career guidance or… idk, literally anything that might be relevant?
set a hard schedule for every day and stick to it, I don’t know if it’s equally true for everyone but my time management goes to shit IMMEDIATELY if nobody’s paying me to get up in the morning
If you haven’t written professionally before (it’s pretty obvious what you want to spend this time doing!), it’s probably worthwhile to look into an arrangement where you can get a part-time job to sustain you, so you have a block of time you can dedicate to polishing the stuff that really interests you and develop that into a career but don’t need to write to keep the lights on. People work hard to make most paying ‘creative’ type work at the entry level as miserable as humanly possible, if you have the flexibility to pick and choose what you want to do it’s not a problem but if you’re leaning on it for your primary means of support it’s real easy to burn out and just lose whatever joy you found in it, permanently.
I am home alone right now and therefore will take this opportunity to watch my kdrama (“Fated to love you”) on the big TV since there is nobody around to say ARE YOU STILL WATCHING THIS SHIT
Tell me your favorite dramas! Preferably without amnesia plots!
Curious: do you watch your kdramas in English or in Korean? Where do you find these things, and should I try them, too?
Dramabeans.com is the best place to find out about kdramas and find suggestions. Think of it like a television without pity for kdramas. They’ve got a handy section called ‘ratings’ where they’ve got a rating and v. short explanation for said rating of every drama they’ve seen (well, ‘they’ being the two people who used to be the only writers for the site. They’ve got more now, but as far as I can tell they don’t add to the ratings section). They also have recaps for dramas which I highly recommend, since the writers are mostly (maybe all?) Korean-American which means they explain some of the cultural pieces that a non-Korean might not pick up on.
For watching the best places to watch (legally) are viki and soompi.kdrama.com. Dramafever also exists, but it’s pretty shit if you’re watching without a subscription (and I’ve even heard it is shit with a subscription). Netflix has some too but their selection is notably worse than these other sites.
Kdramas are, in general, NOT dubbed. Subs are pretty prolific on the internet though so shouldn’t be too hard to find them.
Oh, that was thorough, thank you very much! It’s a totally new field for me, but I love trying out new stuff, fiction-wise. Do you have a favourite, or a recommendation for total beginners?
Ha. Sorry. I was super into kdramas for a few years (although these years were not consecutive!) to the point where I didn’t watch anything else and I even strong-armed my sister into watching them as well! I don’t often get to pull that knowledge out in non-kdrama spaces so I sometimes go overboard.
My favourite is Misaeng. I recommended a few in a comment reply to bibliophibian below which I think would be good for a beginner, but I’ll rec a few different ones here as well.
Arang and the Magistrate – Historical drama featuring a romance between a ghost and a guy who can see ghosts. Pretty cute. Not my favourite ever, and the female lead loses some agency as time goes on, but if you’re looking for fluff this is good.
Coffee Prince – Either my second or third drama. Was HUGE in Korea when it came out, most people who watch kdramas have seen this. Essentially, a girl who is often confused for a boy (because of her mannerisms, dress) falls in love with a dude who thinks she’s a guy. She, for reasons, does not disabuse him of this notion and he falls in love with her thinking she’s male. Some iffy stuff regarding lgtb, gender identity, etc. but it’s still worth the watch I think.
Flower Boy Next Door, Flower Boy Ramyun Shop, Shut up Flower Boy Band – a series of dramas made by tvn where the central concept was: one or two main female characters, 5-8 main male characters played by very pretty dudes. Surprisingly, the shows all have a lot more depth than the undeniably mercurial motivations for making them would suggest. Flower Boy Band is the best, followed by Ramyun, followed by Next Door.
Goong – what if Korea still had a royal family a la the British royal family? And one average girl was chosen to live with them in preparation for marrying the crown prince? Very YA in terms of sensibilities so if that’s not your thing avoid it. Main guy is a jerk but reforms and whooo boy the kissing here is GOOD for a kdrama of that time.
The King 2 Hearts – also a what if korea had royalty still like the Brits! Also has very good kissing for a kdrama! I loooove this drama. The main character is a manchild prince who grows to become an actually great dude who respects the decisions his love interest makes (I mean, he grows personally in other ways, but this one is most important to me). One caveat: skip any and all scenes having to do with the villain until mid-way through the drama. They are bad, boring, and irrelevant to understanding the plot.
Liar Game – I actually haven’t seen this one, but it is a thriller that comes highly recommended so I’m putting it here.
Hey, don’t apologize, I asked for this. I literally asked for this, and I’m thankful and humbled that you’re taking all this time to educate a stranger on the internet! See, I love it when people are so passionate about their hobbies, that’s what makes me curious about things. A lot of the dramas you describe sound pretty intriguing, and I’ll definitely check them out (if I can find them online). A whole new world! So… thank you.
Glad I could help! A lot of places online will talk about kdramas as if they are ONLY the melos. Most people seem to be introduced via that genre though, so it makes a certain sense; as a person who does not enjoy melos and got into kdramas via other shows I like to counter-act that perception when I can! (it’s also pretty shitty to characterize an entire country’s television output by one, admittedly quite prolific, genre)
I will add that, as mentioned downthread a lot of kdramas (incl the ones up there) have some problematic elements, but I’m fairly certain that in a lot of cases they’re not really worse than western shows. I just notice the problem elements more because they’re different or manifest differently than western shows.
I watch on Viki, which has a ton of international programs in their original languages. Then they are subtitled by volunteers. So the quality of the subbing is super casual but it does work, and they even try to explain puns etc which wouldn’t otherwise translate. (I tried dramafever, which I believe has professional subbing, but the streaming was horrible for some reason.)
I don’t know if you should try them… they are silly but also fun. The first one I watched was “One more happy ending” and the first episode really pulled me in with the insanity. It’s basically a giant romantic comedy, and since it’s longer than a movie, they get a long time to build character and develop plot, but since it’s got an ending, you get a proper story arc.
Dramafever used to be good. It also used to be the only kdrama streaming service online. It got slowly worse over the years with ads etc and really jumped the shark once hulu bought it. I used to watch all my dramas there and now I avoid them like the plague.
Commenting to follow this thread; hoping for recs without murder or terminal illness plots!
What do you like? If you want time-travelling epic romance Queen In Hyun’s Man is fantastic. If you like Sci-Fi I’d recommend Joseon X-Files (aka Secret Investigation Record). Misaeng is my favourite kdrama ever and one of my top five tv-shows. I would recommend it regardless of what you like in a show. Retro teen romance? Answer Me 1997 (aka Reply 1997) is another great one (although I’d recommend reading the recaps on dramabeans so the numerous cultural references are made clear to you).
I’d also tentatively suggest Gaksital (aka Bridal Mask). I am tentative about this one because when it is good, it is GOOD. But when it stumbles, it falls hard. I can give more detailed explanation of its failings (essentially, its female lead is poorly written, acted, and her character ending is awful from a feminist perspective) if you think it sounds interesting. Think Zorro, except in Korea during the time period between WWI and WWII when Korea was occupied by Japan.
Shut Up Flower Boy Band.
Coffee Prince forever! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it and there’s obviously some problematic things in there (as with most KDramas), but I just love it so so much.
Currently I’m watching Secret Garden on Netflix and it is terrible and wonderful. The gender dynamics in it are so ridiculous but I still can’t stop watching and giggling.
I loved Fated to Love You until somewhere around Episode 12. I sort of lose it when dramas hit the Episode 12 hump where Everything Falls Apart And There’s No Way We Can Be Together Because Everything Is Awful.
But watching the two of them cope with their grief was a little too personal.
you are right about the grief; it was beyond. I think that’s why I stuck with it. I’ve never believed in any actor so much as those two.
I fell down a k-drama rabbit hole for a while and am currently on hiatus. My favourite BY FAR is ‘Warm and Cozy’ – beautiful setting (Jeju Island), the best worst Nasty Girl (Mok Ji-won is so fucking evil), and the most wonderful and normal-seeming leads and support characters. The stories wind together in a somewhat improbable fashion, but it still feels the most believable to me, and I flipping love the character of Lee Jung-joo and want to be her friend.
Ugh, my kid has pink eye, which, no big, totally fixable…BUT getting the eye drops into her eyes is torture! It’s like medicating a cat!
Ah, well. This too shall pass?
Wrap her in a towel so she can’t escape or scratch and do it?
I don’t know how to medicate children, but that’s what you do for cats….
You’ve probably found a good technique by now. I hope you escape getting pink eye yourself.
I vaguely remember my childcare days back in the 90s. I remember perfecting a technique for swiftly and gently pinning a child to the diaper changing table, her head closer to my dominant right hand.
One little wrist in three fingers of my left hand, leaving my forefinger and thumb free for the chin. Not gripping the chin, just keeping my digits rigid on either side of child’s chin to prevent head movement. Left forearm across child’s chest to keep her other arm down and out of the way. Right hand held dropper of medicine before picking up child to put her on table. My right pinky holds eyelid open while right forefinger and thumb squeeze out the drops.
One of my charges had to have eye drops 3 times every day while in my care. For weeks. Something congenital that would be fixed with surgery when he was older. I got the whole routine down to 20 seconds from laying baby on table to scooping baby from table for comforting on my shoulder. This can also be done on the floor, in a pinch. Good luck.
Thx, but my little gremlin is 7, and tall, so I must have some cooperation from her on this gig. The veterinary approach was the bomb when they were infants. Ah, memories.
Also, the meds sting a bit, so that totally helps.
You can put drops in her eyes when they are closed! Kid closes their eyes,you put a drop in the corner of their eye (side nearest their nose obvs) and when they open their eyes the drops run in! It’s life changingly magical. Not being able to see the drops nearing their eyes completely reduces the panicking. Only works for liquid drops, not ointment I guess, so maybe not for your current situation but perhaps useful to know for future!
Brilliant! Current strategy is a bummer.
The closed eye technique sounds great! Or would this work? I remember hating the suspense of looking up at the bottle and waiting for the drop to fall when my mom gave me eyedrops. Maybe your kid could even do it herself in the mirror?
This is inspired. Will try. Thx.
Who lives in a state that’s essentially the Titanic?
Where I live and go to school is giving me an abnormal amount of anxiety. Anxiety that I’m finally medicated for and feel so much better now, but is resurfacing due to Titanic State (Kansas).
There is no money. There is no money. There’s an unspoken hiring freeze on the school district, but like a ton of positions that need to be filled, but they won’t be able to know what they can afford to fill until like August. They’re also considering going four days a week and cutting kindergarten because NOBODY HAS ANY MONEY. THERE IS NO MONEY.
In addition I am a grad student going on my last year next semester, and our department just got hit with a freeze as well. So my thesis director who was going to be offered a full position no longer has that offer (and will probably leave then), in which case we will be another faculty member short. And the freeze means more GTAs can’t be hired so idk what’s gonna happen to the people they accepted for next year. Oh and two professors are being investigated for Title IX violations (sexual harassment), and if they are fired (which I’m gonna hope they both are, but realistically, maybe only one) then my program will most definitely sink into the abyss with me still in it. Oh and there’s no money to hire visiting faculty either. Sooooo
I’m considering trying to do my thesis in one semester so I can fly away as quick as possible. This whole thing makes me nervous and I’ve never seen any college or state in such bad shape. It’s deplorable and everyone is fleeing. But I’m stuck until I graduate. In a state the Koch brothers will probably buy and turn into a North Korea.
Okay, sorry for my fearful rant. It has been a stressful week.
Oh god, I’m so sorry. I just moved out of Kansas back in August and the iceberg that is Sam Brownback was part of the reason why. Between funding and concealed carry on campus, a bunch of my academic friends are looking for new jobs. I can’t really offer advice, just commiseration 🙁
I live in Illinois. We’ve been operating without a state budget for almost a year. Entire colleges are closing down because they have LITERALLY NO MONEY. Domestic violence shelters are closing. People with disabilities are getting kicked out of group homes. It’s awful.
Same, and my husband works for the state, which means no travel reimbursement since July, and the huuuuge promotion he was supposed to get in December didn’t happen because fuck you, that’s why. Rauner should have to go live under a bridge with all the people he’s fucking over with the service cuts. SO ANGRY.
Buy an 18-month calendar. Start marking off the days until you can flee.
Toasties, I am a science grad student and this month I’m volunteering in a high school classroom trying to get high schoolers excited about neuroscience. This week, we dissected cow eyes. As we were leaving, one quiet girl said (joking, but excited) “can we dissect human bodies next week?!?!” and after I said tragically that would have to wait until med school, she turned to her friend and said “we should sacrifice the straight boys.” TEENAGE MISANDRY.
My 16 year old niece is a teenage misandrist and I love it and encourage it every chance I get. She is darling. Teenage misandrists for the win!
DELICIOUS
Who wants to help fund this book? It looks amazing. (I have no connection to either it or the author.) https://unbound.co.uk/books/agrippina
Chicago loving Toasts, I am visiting your fair city for the first time this weekend, what are your favorite things to recommend?
We’re staying with my partner’s friends in their condo which is apparently “downtown” but I don’t have any more information than that.
It’s going to be beautiful for the first weekend. Take the water taxi to Chinatown and get brunch at Cai.
https://www.chicagowatertaxi.com
Water taxi sounds intriguing!
What do you and your partner like to do? What kind of bars, restaurants, etc do you usually like to frequent? Do you want to hang outside? Do you like walking/biking?
We like to be outside! Walking is my favorite but he is recovering from an injury which should probably limit our walking around to under five miles a day. 🙁
I also like museums and am generally a pretty easy to please traveler. I love food and will try most anything (except for hot dogs.)
I like to know what locals love about their areas- trying to see what makes each place unique.
This trip is a reunion of his med school friends- I’m the only “new” person out of the group of eight getting together for this weekend. I mostly want to have a list of things to suggest so I know I can have a contribution to the group. I tend towards shy and knowing I have a list of things to do will make me feel prepared with something to talk about.
The Chicago Architecture Foundation does great tours! Even the locals I know have loved them. The walking tours would have you on your feet for 1.5-2 hours but they also do bus and boat and even L tours! https://www.architecture.org/experience-caf/tours…
Thank you!
I don’t live in Chicago, but I’ve visited several times and HIGHLY recommend the boat tour mentioned. The river is the perfect vantage to really appreciate the architecture.
Boat tour is very fun. Do that one! Even if you don’t care much about architecture, you get to be on a boat!
Chicago Art Institute is probably the best museum. Go to that one. We have a ton of museums though. Our other museums are also great. But the ‘tute = #1.
I would fight you for the Field Museum as Best Chicago Museum, except a couple of months ago I spent an hour in the Renaissance galleries making up backstories for the people in the portraits with one of the docents, so I really can’t.
Seconding the boat tour recommendation, it is really fun.
Also love the Art Institute, it’s one of my favorite places.
Outside stuff:
Chicago Architecture Foundation boat tour! It’s gonna be sunny this weekend so hopefully they have these tours. They’re great.
Garfield Park Conservatory. It’s free!
Lincoln Park Conservatory/Zoo. Both free!
River walk downtown. Free and beautful!
606. Free walking! Elevated stuff! You can look into Rick Bayless’ home!
Walking around the loop! Free! Beautiful. CAF also does walking tours.
Museums:
Art Institute — totally worth it! Such a great museum.
Museum of Contemporary Art – also wonderful!
Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum, Museum of Science and Industry — all awesome. If you end up at the MSI you’re in historical Hyde Park and you should absolutely check it out. The japanese gardens behind the museum are beautiful, as are the views from Promontory Point.
Chicago is a very neighborhood driven city, and each neighborhood has it’s own vibe. Lincoln Park is beautiful and clean and has lots of white people. Lakeview is basically the same thing. Uptown is a bit more diverse, has great Ethiopian food, and the Green Mill is great for music. Andersonville is an adorable neighborhood with great shopping and food. Rogers Park is incredibly diverse and has amazing food. Logan Square (where I live!) has lots of great bars and restaurants, and is a heavily gentrified area that leans hipster but has beautiful walking. Wicker Park is a lot like Lakeview. Ukrainian Village is similar to Andersonville.
And what kind of food do you like?
All of the food. Pretty much. I’m def looking forward to trying Chicago style pizza, not so much with the hot dogs though.
The best deep dish would be at Lou Malnati’s. You could also get by with Gino’s East or Giordano’s.
Another great food place is Hopleaf. It has amazing frites, a wide array of beers, and this awesome sandwich called the CB&J. It’s at Clark & Foster, which is kind of far north in Andersonville, but that is also a fun neighborhood, which contains Women & Children First, our local feminist bookstore. And while you’re in that neighborhood you can catch the crazy Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind show, which is different every week and very fun. http://neofuturists.org/toomuchlight/
I don’t know who does a good one (though I think Johnnie’s is the iconic one) but somebody needs to recommend you a place for an Italian Beef Sandwich. They’re the true gem of Chicago Cuisine.
The Bad Apple (Lincoln Square) has the best burgers in town, possibly anywhere. I will fight anyone who says differently. They also have an insane number of beers on tap, which are crazy cheap.
Lucky you, the weather will actually be warm this weekend!
I really like going to the Lincoln Park Zoo when it’s warm out. It’s free admission, and it’s big enough that you can spend an entire afternoon there if you want.
Ask your friends about the 606. It’s an elevated mixed-use trail that just opened up on the Northwest side, and if I’m not mistaken they’re going to be doing some fun community events along it this weekend. Even if there aren’t events, the 606 is nice to walk or bike along, and there are lots of restaurants and bars in walking distance of its entrances/exits.
If pizza is your jam, Lou Malnati’s is a good choice for an introduction to Chicago-style.
The Field Museum, the Shedd Aquarium, and the Museum of Science and Industry are tons of fun, but admission can get pricey.
Thank you for this, your suggestions are so helpful!
We’re coming from the PNW and are def looking forward to nice weather! Although it’s supposed to be nice here in Portland this weekend too. And then it’ll start raining again after we get home. :-/
I will be saving your list, thank you!!
Ditto Amphora–on both the SO MANY MUSEUMS and also working in a museum.
Definitely hit up the lakefront. This weekend is supposed to be gorgeous, and renting a Divvy Bike and cruising down the lakefront path is an excellent use of your time.
BOAT ARCHITECTURE TOUR. I honestly grinned the entire time. Champagne + nerdy history = happy.
We snuck in ahead of someone’s reservation at Girl & the Goat by showing up at like 5:30 for dinner (their reservation was at 7 so we had plenty of time). So maybe try that just for giggles, or at another place that’s similarly always booked? Because it was the best meal of my life.
OMG was coming here to recommend Girl & the Goat!! I went in a group of three and we sat at the bar. Highly recommend, especially if you’re a small party, and it can be way easier to get in than trying to get a table. The food was amazing; the whole experience was fantastic.
I know everyone has said the Art Institute, and I agree, but make sure to go to the lower level and find the miniature rooms. They are really, really cool.
What do you do when someone is bad, but you can’t cut them out of your life?
I’m reaching my wits end with my mother, after years of not respecting my time, feelings, or body she truly overstepped the line in forwarding me a set of emails where her and one of her friend’s complain about me. Friend doesn’t have the full story, so it does seem like I’m being selfish. And this is just the most recent incidence in a decade-long pattern. I’m over it.
The catch is that if I cut out my mom I effectively cut out my dad (whatever, he’s never around anyways), but also lose access to my younger brother, who has special needs and doesn’t talk, drive, or use a computer. I adore spending time with him, but access to him is 100% controlled by my mom. She does frequently use him as a way of guilting me into doing what she wants, and I see him less than I’d like already out of an effort to avoid her. I’m sick of sucking up her bullshit, but don’t want to forfeit my relationship with the bro.
(While the “using him to guilt me” thing is so, so shitty- overall I truly believe that both of my parents are excellent caretakers for my brother and have been amazing at advocating for him and getting him the accommodations he needs to thrive. For better or worse, the shitty behavior seems to all be directed towards me.)
fwiw my tactic with my mom is to do my best to try to not care about what she tells me. So when she lectures me on what I should be doing with my life, body, etc, I try to tune it out. Now obviously this doesn’t always work and a number of hurtful things get through, but mostly I try to distance myself from caring about her opinion. I tell myself that just because she’s my family doesn’t mean I have to try and process anything she says, and in fact it’s better for our relationship if I appear to listen while attempting to go to my happy place while also telling myself that her opinion does not have to matter to me.
It’s not ideal but it makes our conversations easier. Otherwise I try to limit myself to interactions that I know have a better chance of being positive- like, if we’re both watching television that she likes, or if we’re talking about her history, or if we’re eating good food.
The thing that helps me is to accept that the interaction will most likely be bad in some way, and to stop comparing it to how it COULD be if the person CHOSE to behave better. Sometimes looking at things in a very cold, cost-benefit analysis way helps me a lot.
“I am choosing to subject myself to your bullshit, which will be bad but which I cannot change, so that I can get the thing I want: access to my brother.”
For me this often helps dial down my desire to DO SOMETHING about the other person’s shittiness to the point that it starts to seem like just another irritating reality of life. It’s not about me. It does affect me, but not so much that I’ll let it stop me from getting the thing I want. And I’m choosing to be in its presence and to let it affect me, and can remove myself when it gets to be too much.
N.B. I would only suggest this as a temporary and limited way of coping with this one situation. If there were a feasible way to have contact with your brother while also avoiding your mother, my advice would be different. But since the situation is as it is, from this outsider’s perspective it looks like the only thing you can feasibly change is how you cope with it.
Decline to discuss the crap–relentless repition here is your friend. Like “Friend So and So says you suck,” you respond with “Maybe she’s right” + topic switch or, my personal favorite, silence.
Post-visit, you will likely want to have a solid friend around to remind you that she is wrong about All The Things, to ward off that critical shit seeping into your brain.
I’m sorry she controls access to your brother.
this is so tough! first thing is boundaries. you don’t have to have a sit-down and go over them, but you might benefit from simply shutting things down as they happen. you get an email discussion about you forwarded from her? just reply that you’re not interested in discussing this further, and then no further replies to anything she says on it. if she won’t quit with the email, set up a smart folder and route her stuff there and don’t read it. if she tries to ask why you’re not responding, tell her you’ve been buried in work and haven’t had time for email.
something i had to train myself to do with people who seemed to be trying to bait me is just stop talking to them about anything personal. “what’s new” is not a question you have to answer with any personal details. i stopped talking about relationships, my job, my friends, whatever life decisions might be coming up, and limited it to pleasantries. it really gives them no info to pick apart and use against you. or if you have a pet, you can just start talking about your pet, anytime you need to.
you can start with those things, and see how it plays out. if she escalates, you may have to be more direct and say that x topic is not up for discussion and that you’ll have to leave if she persists. do whatever you can to cut off this bad behavior of hers before she gets a chance to enjoy it or hurts you. hopefully she will value the relationship enough to keep the peace.
Hey Toast, I got a job! Four months of unemployment will be ending next week.
It is slightly less money than I wanted, but a better job title and a lot of scheduling flexibility. I’m a little torn because they offered me the option of working 4 days a week for a certain salary or 5 days a week for a little more. My instinct is to choose 5 days, because it’s a pretty high-level position and it doesn’t feel part-time to me, but the difference in salary is…not really proportional to the number of additional days I’d be working. I’m considering just bringing that up and seeing what they can do about it.
I will also have a very long commute. Recommendations for e-readers and/or e-book subscription services? I read VERY FAST and will go through a lot of material in 2 hours a day. Are there subscription things that will send you a monthly box of books curated to your preferences, or something? (I cannot audiobook, unfortunately.)
Bookbub does daily ebooks for 1-2 dollars. A LOT of them are not what I am looking for, but I probably buy 1 a week.
Check your library! My town’s library has tons of new and classic ebooks at no extra cost to those with a library card.
Does your town have a used book store? I wonder if a curated book subscription would be a service that an independent new/used book store might offer. Or, alternately, whether the volume you would be interested in would make it worth their while to do for you only.
That’s so great, congrats!
I use my ipad mini as an e-reader and I’m happy with it. I had a nook before, which was great but it’s always kind of up in the air whether BN will continue supporting it…
Ebook subscription services have mostly died. I just re-upped with Scribd but it sucks now, so I probably won’t continue it past my 14 day trial period. Amazon Unlimited is the only real one left, and I haven’t looked to see what their availability is. It chaps my ass that there are no other options at the moment so spite might keep me from giving Amazon any more money than I already do.
The founders of Oyster got poached by Google, so I’m expecting Google Books to have some kind of subscription service in the future.
Right now I’m getting my ebooks from the library and it’s almost unbearable after using Oyster.
I have used many devices: Nook, Kobo, Kindle Fire, tablet. If you want e-ink, I think the Nook Simple Touch is the best, because I like having buttons/option to flip forward using either hand. The Fire is a good option because it’s hella cheap and you’d be able to play games n shit on your commute if that’s your jam. They all have drawbacks, it just depends on your top priorities.
If you have an iPad or iPhone, Longform has an app (free!), and I discovered by accident that it can provide offline access to MANY of the articles it features. (The New Yorker articles never work offline, but the rest of the publications I follow seem to do fine.) It will show you the publications you follow, the staff picks, as well as the most popular articles, and that can usually give you 30-60 minutes of reading material in a given day. Remember to load up the app in the evening or in the morning before you go so it can catch the latest articles.
Shameless brag: MY BOYFRIEND SURPRISED ME WITH HAMILTON TICKETS FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!! I’m seeing it in September!
Every time I remember I’m going, I scream internally.
Best. gift. ever.
A++++ Gift Giving
A++++ Choice in boyfriends
Happy birthday! Enjoy the show!
I got tickets from my SO for September too (as a Christmas and birthday present)! We’re going on the 14th to the matinee.
Well, I am six weeks out from my wedding and have hit the “what was I thinking, I don’t know how to plan things, why didn’t we just elope” portion of it. Like, I’ve hired most of my vendors and have my venue and everything but I just don’t really know how to put it all together. My wedding seemed like it was so far away for so long but now it is here and I am starting to panic a bit. How did you guys handle it? Were you all super organized?
I am in the same situation as you (although I’m farther away from mine) and I’m just like… I’ve got all the vendors and now I do… what, exactly? I have nothing useful to say, I just wanted to let you know you’re not the only one.
Much appreciated!
We felt the same way right around six weeks out, and we ended up hunkering down and writing an extremely detailed list of everything that had to get done, which we then broke out into a week-by-week schedule. That way each week we could focus only on the handful of tasks assigned to that week, and feel secure that the other things were accounted for. I think we also assigned a lot of the tasks to specific people (mostly me and Mr. Dacks, but probably some to parents or the wedding party) to minimize uncertainty a la “I thought you were taking care of that”.
Good luck! You can do it!
Thanks! I have been working off of spreadsheets and tracked down all of my various deposits this week, so I think a week by week to-do list is what I am going to work on tomorrow in addition to going to the garden center to get herbs to incorporate in my centerpieces. Apparently my fiance was having a very similar conversation with his work partner/groomsman and delegated some work to him as well, so that was reassuring.
I had a bunch of lists and spreadsheets, but if you have your venue and all your vendors, you’re probably fine. Just make sure you confirm details (timing, etc) with every vendor a couple weeks before the wedding. We almost had a catering disaster, since my catering contact was fired and left no record of our order, but I was able to sort everything out with the new catering manager and it was fine.
Thanks! I will definitely do that.
No advice or anything but yeah… solidarity on that one.
Eight weeks out from mine, and yeah, riiiiight there with you. The main stuff is all locked down and now it’s down to small decisions and logistics. I feel like I am much more detail-oriented than my partner is about this kind of stuff, but I am also HORRENDOUSLY busy and will be for at least another month.
So far, I have made a checklist for each general area of planning, with items to be ticked off. (For instance, under “DECORATIONS” it says “finalize color of table linens,” “make seating chart,” “buy candles and holders,” etc. etc.). Partly I am soothed because I have a concrete list of known tasks, and partly I am horrified because the list is SO LONG.
ALSO, I have a wedding etiquette question! What do you do when guests send in RSVPs indicating that they are planning to bring a plus-one that you did not give them? We are already at pretty much maximum capacity, guest-wise. How does one politely say “Nope, we’d love to have you, but you cannot bring [person I’ve never heard of]?” (We did make an effort to explicitly include all significant relationship partners that we knew of on the invitations.)
“Hi, thank you so much for sending back your reply card so quickly. I’m so excited you’ll be there. I noticed you indicated a plus one on your response. Unfortunately our venue has us limited so we can’t accommodate extra guests, but we would still love to see you there.” Then be prepared and gracious if she declines the invitation.
I am having the “why didn’t we just elope” hardcore also – we are about 8 weeks out and there has been much drama about showers. I don’t even WANT a shower.
It has taken me very off guard, because my partner and I have planned just about everything else to a T, but we don’t have very functional wedding parties to coordinate this stuff (like, his side is his two, middle-school age sisters, and my side is my adult but dysfunctional sister and a former college roommate who lives on the other side of the country). So ALL the extended family members have decided they want to throw showers, but they all want to do it their way for only their close family and us. I do not want to attend 6 showers. I do not want to attend any showers. Everyone is fighting about it and it makes me want to cry and run away.
Partner and I are both trying to graduate from grad school next month. He is also looking for a job – I already work full time and attend school nights. We *do not have time* for this shit!!!
/end rant, apologies slightly off topic but apparently I needed to get that out?
Oatmeal thread? I was just introduced to these overnight oats by a colleague and they have changed my life for the better.
ETA: Also PM JT came to my work today! It was a zoo, everyone was swooning. He is so good with a crowd. Here he is talking quantum computing.
I loooove oatmeal!!!! I like to use coconut milk and cherries in it, some times I’ll bake it…
Unfortunately I live in an oatmeal-challenged country, and usually have to go to UK import food shops to find the right oats for my porridge.
Steel cut oats changed my oatmeal life. I use this recipe which turns out perfect and amazing and delicious and orders of magnitude better than normal outs.
Nice! Toasting! A friend made me oatmeal from the Thug Kitchen book that had a toasting step, I gotta explore that.
The toasting is so important! It makes such a huge difference in the flavor. In grad school, that recipe was my breakfast every day. I’d make a full batch, then reheat a single portion in the mornings with a bit of extra milk and some dried fruit. As a bonus, heating the dried fruit in the milk meant that the fruit was plump and delicious instead of dried out and sad.
I’ve tried those overnight oats and they are amazing!!! I’m also obsessed with muesli right now because apparently I am an old lady.
I recently discovered savory oatmeal and it was a game-changer. I cook rolled oats in a little broth for extra flavor and add lots of grated parm or sharp cheddar, cracked black pepper, scallions, and a drippy fried egg. Heaven.
I am here for the oatmeal. Put peanut butter in it! Salt it! No sugar, ever (eew)! I also like to use less water than called for – I do not like soggy oats. This goes for rolled and steel cut.
I am a fan of rolled oats forever and ever, and steel cut oats are a wonderful thing that I don’t make enough. Normally I just add raisins/currants and a bit of milk, but when I’m feeling fancy I’ll make them like I did as a kid, which involves dumping in a bit of every “sweet” spice in the cabinet (cinnamon, cardamom, allspice, nutmeg, vanilla).
Instant oatmeal is basically wallpaper paste and I discovered yesterday morning that I bought instant oatmeal instead of rolled oats and now I have a huge container of the wrong kind. Ugh.
Toasties, I’d like some advice.
This week was ugh. I was grabbed by A Person I Do Not Enjoy in my research colloquium, who has been constantly patronising, sexist, homo- and transphobic to me and others since he randomly appeared in our class. My supervisor knows about this, and was in his own way quite supportive, when I went to see him about the grabbing, but… he’s got a slightly funny concept of tolerance, and expects us to get along in class even though some of us dislike each other, which I admit has been a source of strength in the past. He accepted my story right away, and told me that I was right, and that the person’s behaviour was unacceptable. This was good.
Still, I’m quite upset – I was feeling good about myself and academia coming back from the break, and I can already feel the disillusionment creeping back in now that I’m back on my home turf…
I don’t want to let this fuckwad drive me out of a class I mostly enjoy, but I also don’t want to listen to his hate every week, and I also don’t want to be groped again….
So any tips how to deal with grabby patronising sexists in a professional academic context?
There is definitely a difference between encouraging you to act professionally and listen to people with different opinions to you and tolerating sexism, homo- and transphobia and sexual harrassment.
I got no advice, but that’s a terrible situation to be in and your prof definitely needs to manage this situation, not just wave his hand in the name of ‘tolerance’
I am sorry you were treated this way. I got nothing, except my automatic response seems effective, not that I can control it. But you may borrow it with my blessing. Unexpected or unwelcome touch elicits a loud, “Hands off!” Same tone I use with my dogs.
That’s pretty close to what I did in the situation, actually…. I think I need to work on my tone a bit though.
“I HAVE RINGWORM”
In your position, I think I would go back to the supervisor and say, “I appreciate your live-and-let-live philosophy, Mr. Dude, and have benefited from it at points X, Y, and Z. But this situation does not fit into the parameters of live and let live. This is not just a person with slightly zany or obnoxious views whom we need to put up with in the spirit of academic camaraderie and diversity of opinion, this is a person who has physically invaded my space in an unacceptable and aggressive way. He has already violated the live-and-let-live terms of the group. The problem is not my discomfort, the problem is his behavior.”
And then because I’m too old and too witches to put up with crap, I’d probably firmly call him out on his behavior from this point unto infinity. People who are hateful and aggressive do not deserve deference or politeness. I don’t think you have to be rude in response, but cheerfully and relentlessly pointing out his condescension and sexist/homophobic/transphobic actions is a good place to start.
Good luck!
I love this response so much. I think I will not have found the iron clad balls I’d need to actually go back and say something like this, but next time I have the opportunity to call them out I will certainly do so. 🙂
Another tack, which doesn’t require you to go back to your supervisor in person or wait for another incident is to recap your conversation in an email to him. You can be grateful for his understanding, and force him to confront his decision to do nothing.
“Thank you very much for hearing out my concerns about [Grabby]. I really appreciate that you listened to my concerns and validated them. My understanding is that although you agree with me that it was unacceptable for him to put his hands on me, you think that his behaviour was not unacceptable enough to warrant any intervention on your part. If I have that wrong, please let me know.”
Or something like that.
Ooooh, this is gooooooooooood. +100
Yeah, this. Did your professor communicate that he would actually say something to the guy in question, or impose any consequences on him for his behavior? Because otherwise, agreeing with you that you were in the right kind of reads as a meaningless gesture intended to placate you without actually obligating the professor to do anything.
I wanted him to be aware of the issue, to be supportive, and to know that I will raise hell next time this kind of crap happens. I need him to be generally aware more than to take action. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love for grabby guy to disappear into a dark hole (or to poli sci where he came from, for that matter), but that’s not going to happen anyway, so I’m going to pick my battles. I could ask my professor to actually do something but I think it may be smarter to leave it at him acknowledging my situation, and to keep drawing his attention to hierarchal structures he tends to ignore in a well-meaning but misguided attempt to keep discussions “neutral”. I feel validated enough to be able to call grabby guy out next time (and crush balls where needed), and for now that’s enough.
If you’re in the U.S., this is a Title IX violation, and honestly I would go to your university’s Title IX compliance officer about it. Or at least discuss it with the prof from this angle.
He GRABBED you? No, not OK and I would say take this higher up.
Well, it was the kind of situation where it’s not really groping but still definitely inappropriate and maybe-probably cropping a feel without really being that conscious about it? It was a rather ugly demonstration of dominance, and I do think he knows exactly what he’s doing. And I realise I’m playing into perpetuations of some rather horrible cultural patterns, but consulting the office responsible for these things would be a beaurocratical nightmare, it would grow into an uncontrollable mess and I just don’t have the energy for that – my uni, sadly, does not have the sort of structures necessary for dealing with these things properly.
I actually just want my professor to keep an eye on the bloke and how he talks to women, and, if necessary, step in. He promised me that he would do so. I want this guy to know that I’m going to grab right back next time (and cause a scene), which I will point out/demonstrate to him at the next possible opportunity. Otherwise I’m kind of realising thatvI just want to move on?
That’s terrible.
I am generally all for the much-vaunted academic open-mindedness, but you can be tolerant of differing views and methods and still shut down blatant discrimination. It is not intolerance or closed-mindedness to say flat-out to someone that what they’ve just said is x-ist bullshit, and I believe it is doing a disservice to your fellow academics to pretend that those views are contain assumptions we should accept and respond to. I may be biased by teaching introductory academic argument to undergrads, but there is definitely a point where any attempt to turn that shit into a teaching moment or open discussion just legitimates it in the eyes of someone targeted by it. And that is not OK in my book.
It’s a shame that your supervisor is not being more active in squelching this behavior, but you should feel free to put him down bluntly and publicly the next time he does it. (I get that in the moment that might not feel like an option for a variety of reasons, though).
Due to the social constellations in my group, which range from an awesomly unapologetic marxist to extremely conservative catholics, with the definitive, largely male, majority on the side of the conservatives, this is a bit more complicated for me to stir things up. Also, the word for supervisor in my language directly translates to “doctor-father” or “doctor-mother” – the whole system is extremely paternalistic, beneath the whole professional level there’s another one that’s entirely consisting of emotional ties and semi-familial complicatedness. I’m not sure how that works in other academic systems, but here these groups are extremely delicate and very intricate social constructs that emulate larger families a bit too much. I’d need waaaay more than just grabby guy to go there and disturb things, especially since, in a way, I’m one of the very few odd lefty ducks in a very conservative class. I am definitely one of the people profiting most of the live-and-let-live-differences-are-fun policy.
I will need to be mindful and watch my back for the next few weeks. I think I can’t go there and confront the guy without making myself look petty and even smaller, making unnecessary fuzz over nothing, what’s the big deal anyway, ah women, all up in hysterics as usual.
I will definitely continue and increase calling out his behaviour, and, where possible, confront my professor when it’s destructive and not funny anymore.
Maybe if he touches you again, you could dig your fingernails into his hand really quickly, then say “Agh, you should never startle a woman like that!” Or just do the fingernails and don’t say anything.
Ehehe, I now wish I had longer finger nails. 😀
Is your supervisor going to have a word with this person? It’s part of his responsibility as a person in authority to ensure a safe work environment and make sure appropriate boundaries are honored.
Someone I care so so much about is having a much worse go of it mental health wise than I realized, and she doesn’t want to get better/different help. She’s been seeing a therapist who sounds like, blandly positive for her but not actually helpful. (She likes it while also acknowledging that she doesn’t get much out of it. The trigger/episode events haven’t gotten any better, in frequency or in her coping toolbox, in the year that she’s been in therapy.) I know the only thing is to be there and be whatever support she needs. Still, every time she gets in a mental tailspin, it wrecks me. Does there come a time when it’s ok to abandon the being supportive role and tell her, this is not working and I think you should do something else? She’ll probably be pissed if I say this, because she thinks she can power through solo. I don’t really care if she’s furious at me, I just want her to be ok.
That’s a really rough situation for you and your friend. I hope things get better soon.
Here’s my two cents: part of being supportive is compassionately telling your friend that her current approach to the problem is not working.
She may not like hearing it, and she may not take your advice, no matter how tactfully/ gently/ lightly it’s delivered. But sometimes we all need a Feelings-Reality check, or a reminder that things could be better than they currently are if we did things differently.
Toasties, I’m having a rough week of it. First my Evil Ex started attempting to message me again, then my uncle passed away very suddenly, and my immune system crumpled and I’m being battered by a cold-or-flu. I’m going to have to go to my mother’s remote country home to take care of her (she’s in shock) while the rest of her family goes out to state to handle the death proceedings. I’ve taken on the spiritual side of procedures (buying paper shirts and hell money etc etc) because no one else in my family can be relied on to do it correctly.
Your good wishes right now would be very appreciated. Also, if anyone knows a Chinese Buddhist temple in Seattle where I can pay the monks to chant some sutras on my uncle’s behalf, that would be amazingly helpful. All I’ve found so far is a Tibetan one.
Good wishes coming your way, lemonack. I’m so sorry all that has hit you at once– you must feel so beleaguered right now. 🙁
A+ taking care of mom and other things. It sucks to do, especially when you’re grieving as well. Does the temple have to be in Seattle? I know Chicago has quite a few Buddhist temples, I’m sure at least one of them would be the right flavor.
I will try googling the Chicago ones! Thank you for the tip.
And NYC for sure has Chinese Buddhist temples that might fit your needs if Chicago and Seattle don’t work out. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’re able to get the support you need while helping your family.
So many good wishes to you. That is a lot all happening at once, I hope you can find the time for some good self-care.
Hello, Toasties!
Update on breakup of LTR in the reply. (SOMEDAY THIS SAGA WILL BE DONE.)
Background: Bex and I met in fifth grade, became close friends in high school, started dating at our 10-year reunion, broke up after 11 1/2 years together, largely over him discovering that he was poly and my discovering that, despite my efforts, I couldn’t deal.
I went no-contact about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Bex broke no-contact twice this week.
The first instance was probably unavoidable: He sent a collection of snail mail that had come in to my old address, from prior to my change-of-address forms being processed. It included a jury summons, which I genuinely would have regretted not getting.
Also, one of my housemates was home, and I asked, “Hey, would you mind opening this and giving me a basic description of what’s in it? Basically, I want to know whether this is forwarded mail or whether there’s personal stuff mixed in, so I can elect not to deal with the personal stuff.” And Housemate was cool with that.
The second breaking of no-contact– Bex emailed me re: lease paperwork. Yes, I *do* need my name off the lease. But this would have been a great opportunity to ask the landlady to call me and make arrangements. That solution took maybe five seconds for me to come up with.
So, I responded to the landlady and the property management company, rather than to Bex, and it’ll be sorted. If Bex wants reassurance that it’ll be sorted, he can get that from someone else.
Mostly, I was annoyed– I’ve gone out of my way not to bug him. No-contact was about encouraging my overactive attachment system to disengage, because I didn’t seem to be disengaging otherwise. Why did he think this was okay to do?
But I also had some apprehension and edginess: Will this ruin my day? Will this set me back? Everything I’ve read about no-contact suggests that it will.
Sadness and emotional exhaustion, too. I wanted him to support my establishing boundaries, I wanted him to care about my well-being and health enough to support my attempts at self-care, if he can’t care about me in any other way. And I’m really disappointed that he’s only willing to do that if it doesn’t inconvenience him.
I don’t want my well-being to hinge on the cooperation of someone I don’t trust to be cooperative.
UGH.
On the other hand, that’s not the only thing or biggest thing that happened this week. C, a friend from choir who’d been ill for the last couple of years, died last weekend. She was awesome, and I am going to miss our Friday visits ferociously. But also, she was really frustrated and in pain during her illness, and I’m relieved she’s not dealing with that anymore. I’m helping organize the memorial service, which feels intensely important right now.
Which is to say, there are other parts of life that I care about and want to attend to, and I don’t feel at all conflicted about attending to them, the way I did when I was trying desperately to save Already Dead Relationship. Life is slowly and painfully expanding outward.
I’m sorry about your friend, and I hope you’re able to have a memorial that honors her the way you want to.
What if you thought about no-contact like this: Despite his efforts to have contact with you, you’ve brought in others (housemate, landlady and property management company) to support as appropriate, you’re taking care of apartment business, and you HAVEN’T contacted him back. Which means that, despite his efforts (and the non-negligible attendant sadness and pain), you’re ALREADY establishing boundaries and figuring out reasonable ways to do self-care. Your ultimate well-being doesn’t require his cooperation, because you are already doing a good job of helping yourself. You’re already succeeding better than you realize right now.
Thank you! I like that framing. 🙂
You handled that all exactly right. I think a lot of times people try to test and manipulate boundaries they don’t like, and while I’m sure Bex thought to himself that these were totally valid reasons to violate your “no contact” rule, the fact remains that he did something manipulative and shitty. That’s not your fault and you dealt with it the best way possible. Now that your name is off the lease, is there any reason you can’t just block his email or filter it to a folder you never check or something?
No reason– and I just figured out how to do it.
Thank you! I have struggled with feeling that I don’t have *permission* to have boundaries, because history, and what you said helped.
Toasties, what do you do when you need a boost of self-confidence? I’m struggling with depression right now (I’m on the waiting list for a therapist, which is another debacle), and it’s taking a toll on my confidence and self-esteem. I’m able to do basic tasks (exercise, shower, try to eat healthy-ish) but I feel so down about myself, my appearance, my skills, everything. Give me your tricks!! Share your witchy spells!
I don’t have useful suggestions (hoping others do!) but just wanted to say that I’m 100% in the same place right now. I do think it helps a little to actively think of those little tasks as useful and productive and be generous to yourself. This morning I had a really hard time getting out of bed, and I ended up being a little late to class. However, the kind and generous read is that I was having a hard time, but I got up and did it. Even small things can be victories!
This was an older trick, but it got me through some rough days. I’d play a game of spider solitaire on easy, and then leave the “You won!” with the fireworks up all day. Whenever I needed a little boost, I’d flip over to it for a few seconds. I’m not sure if that’s still a thing with more recent Windows versions, but maybe there’s an online version?
My husband shared this gif with me when I was finishing my thesis, which I used for pretty much the same purposes:
A good haircut and blowout might help, if you can spare the cash.
Give yourself credit for doing basic tasks. If you feel shitty and still managed to accomplish X, that counts for something.
I have also been known to imagine Coach Taylor giving me a pep talk, because sometimes when I’m having trouble being generous with myself it is easier to imagine someone else doing it and go from there.
Instead of a to-do list, keep a list of everything you did today. Made breakfast! Worked out! Went to work! Called in sick to work and snuggled in comfy blankets for an hour! Literally everything goes on the Done List, as a tiny reminder that you can in fact do things – and as a bonus, sometimes when the Done List looks a little short it’s an extra kick to help you do one more thing before you go to bed. (Like washing dishes. I always feel extra-accomplished when washing dishes is the last thing on the list.)
Second this. Seeing everything you managed to do is sooo helpful for self-worth, even if it’s full of things like “got dressed” and “checked email.”
I find it helpful to do something to my hair and put on some makeup, which are not things I always do, esp in tandem. Then when I catch a flash of myself in a mirror, at least I don’t hate the way I look.
I have a dear friend who gets debilitating bouts of depression every now and again. We have a mutual friend who is a saint of infinite nurturing and patience who text her things like “I would like you to get out of bed, go over to the cabinet, get a can of soup, microwave it and eat it” at appropriate intervals. I don’t know if you have a friend who’s willing to be this hands-on supportive with the little stuff, but something about the instructions for getting the small things done really seems to help.
I seriously made a star chart, and gave myself credit for things like “found pants, left the house.”
These are a couple of things I tried that were suggested on a self esteem course I went on which I found helpful:
* Getting a nice notebook and keeping a log of positive things that you’ve done. It can literally be like “did the washing up, this shows I am motivated” or “saw [friend], they seemed happy to see me, this shows i am liked”, etc. You could also write down things that you like about yourself, or things that you’re proud to have achieved in your life. (YMMV, this can be really difficult at first if your self esteem is really bad).
* Rewarding yourself for achieving things, even if it’s just with a cookie or a cup of tea.
Seconding the positive list thing! I try to write down one positive thing a day (I use Journey, an app on my phone, because I almost always have my phone). Some days it’s really easy but some days it’s really, really hard to think of something good that happened, but it’s nice to disrupt the doom and gloom brain and focus on something good, no matter how small.
Red lipstick. (Or lately, navy lipstick, because it makes me feel all witchy and powerful.) Even if I feel like a terrible, garbage person, I know that my lipstick looks awesome. No matter how big the bags under my eyes get or how much my face breaks out from stress, red lipstick makes me feel like I look put-together and capable enough to face the world.
Even if you don’t have the energy to put on makeup, perfume can be a great mood booster!
Good week, all in all–I graduated from physical therapy (though it didn’t relieve my pain, still working on it), survived my first-ever full physical, and managed to get my hemoglobin levels all the way up to very very low from dangerously low, so that’s something. Now I’m overwhelmed by more work than I can handle for insufficient pay and the need to find more work for real moneys, and psyching myself up to make a cardiology appointment. It’s too adulting at once. WAY too adulting.
Toasts, I need a FEMINIST OUTRAGE HORDE. My cousin’s veterinary school sent her a link to an AVMA starting salary calculator. That calculator is really more of a flow chart, and on the flow chart there is a line for male and female. Males, go to the next step. Females, subtract $2406.
Sooooo they are essentially telling my cousin to expect less than her male peers.
You have to be an AVMA member to see it in their website it seems. Here is a pic.
https://imgur.com/a/l4yn6
What. the. actual. fuck.
RIGHT?!?!?
How can we bring down righteous fury?
Outrage! Ugh.
WAIT WHAT?! WHY WHY WOWWOOOWOWOWOW
. . . . WOW. OKAY THEN.
Well, THAT’S not okay.
A vet’s gender has ZERO impact on whether they are competent and compassionate or not.
WHAT EVEN IS THIS BULLSHIT? This is not cool. If someone can figure out where to complain, I’m in.
..anyone have friends in the media?
Edit: I actually have a writer friend this might be a good scoop for, if you want I can pass it along.
What the cock?
They showed us those numbers in a Powerpoint last year before we started clinics. I was the only person to raise my hand and ask if anyone was doing anything about the blatant, disgusting gender gap. And the response was that everyone in the class laughed at me.
Sigh.
Replying super late but bless you for speaking up, & fuck those braying jackasses
The desk of free books had a pile of Shirley Jacksons on it today. This is a good day. The universe just knew that I’ve been meaning to read Hangsaman. I’ve earned this.
*jealous pining intensifies*
“Desk of free books”. I want this!
Let me know if you want to talk about Hangsaman.
Hi Toasties! I haven’t posted here before, but you all are so wonderful and I need some help. My sister was just diagnosed with lymphoma. She’s finally home from the hospital, and we’re still waiting for the full diagnosis to make the actual treatment plan, but it’s definitely cancer and will definitely involve chemo. I am not super close with my family, especially my mother, and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I feel like I have a knot of emotions in my chest that I just cannot sort out. How do y’all deal with this kind of thing?
Hey there, I don’t really have any advice but I want to extend my thoughts to you and your family.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Most hospitals with cancer treatment centers of a decent size have support groups, not only for patients but also family. If you’re up for it, you may find something like that helpful. I wish you and your sister the best, and lots of internet hugs if you want them.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
My dad is dying of terminal cancer right now and the most helpful thing for me has been to talk with a professional counselor. If you are like me and under 30, most of my friends have not experienced death and illness of someone close to them and are spectacularly uncomfortable with it. Talking to someone professional (and in my case who lost a parent young) has been a breath of fresh air. There are usually hospital affiliated groups that you can start with!
Secondly: it’s okay to feel what you feel. For a long time I was angry at the world because other people’s petty problems and complaints didn’t stop when I was going through this enormous thing. I was (and to be fair still am) insanely jealous of people with normal families and that is OK and normal too. All of what you feel is OK.
I’m sorry.
This is the sort of thing I will be seeking pastoral counseling for, given that my parents, with whom I have complicated relationships, are aging, and given that my pastor already understands why my father and I are probably never going to be close. Outside a churchy context–
I’d second the individual counseling / therapy or support group recommendations. There are facilitated groups designed to help people process grief, and a good facilitator will recognize that you can be sad about someone’s pain and difficulty, while still needing to keep some distance from them for self-protective reasons. It’s okay to have mixed feelings, and it’s okay to require your support team to recognize that.
Hugs to you, if you would like them.
These things are hard for everyone, but there’s an extra layer of weirdness when you aren’t close to or have a great relationship with your family. My mom had a brief but intense battle (ugh I hate that word but can’t think of anything else) with cancer. We weren’t super close and mostly drove each other crazy.
My best advice is to feel what you feel. I was so, so, lucky to have a few friends who had gone through serious illnesses in their families that I could turn to when I had what felt like inappropriate feelings. They would say “oh yeah, I remember that, everyone feels that way at some time.” It doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s just a bad situation. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, feel free to PM me.
Ask repeatedly what your sister and the rest of the family need, and if they say “nothing,” bring food.
Also, take care of yourself. If you need help with anything, ask your friends for it. They will want to help you as much as you want to help your sister. It’s almost impossible to come up with concrete things for people to do, but try. Even if it’s for them to bring you food that you in turn bring to your family. I don’t know why but sometimes it seems insurmountable to keep yourself fed, at least it was for me and my dad. Totally cliche, but what are you going to do.
After a bad relationship and a long, constructive fallow period, I’ve been trying to date (five suitors in the past 2 months) and I’m not attracted to anybody. I’m afraid I only like people who are too far away to be realistic, because I’m withholding and cold and doomed.
Hello! Please accept this internet hug from a divorced person who hasn’t had a relationship last longer than 2 months in ~4 years because she is made of trust issues and defense mechanisms and therefore only attracted to people who are incapable of commitment (bonus: they never stick around long enough to find out I can be an emasculating harpy!).
Nah, you just haven’t met someone who rings your bells. That’s luck, not a personal flaw.
Great Romanov piece. I had no idea that Robert Massie was one of the first elite controllers!
Hand cream recs, please! I use the trader Joe’s aloe “scent less” heavy duty moisturizer and it is ehhhh. I also put Bigelow Rose salve around my fingertips/cuticles because they get those hard dead skin bits and it’s still not really working. Dry skin and I’m finally starting to show signs of ageing, hellllllp.
I switch off Neutrogena Norwegian Formula and the L’Occitaine shea butter cream. My hands are pretty soft despite the gross soap in the bathroom at work which dries them out like nobody’s business.
Those are exactly the next two I was going to try (though the latter is probably out of my budget).
The Neutrogena is great. I discovered that the reason a lot of moisturizers weren’t working for me is because I’m allergic to some things that are in almost everything (almond oil, tocopherol). Aveeno is also very good for an everyday handcream.
This is an A+ combo, would recommend.
The L’Occitaine is amazing and I swear by it.
I personally don’t like hand creams that are the consistency of vaseline like Aquaphor. If you’re like me and prefer creams, I highly recommend Nivea Smooth Indulgence hand cream. I have super dry skin and it works great.
Yeah, I’m looking for a cream I think. I’ll look for that one!
I like Nivea extended moisture and the body shop (they sell mini handcreams at the check out at Ulta!). I’m partial to the body shop because it has some scent but not enough for hives to come out and the tube is aesthetically pleasing.
If you don’t mind going sort of stupidly expensive, Kiehl’s Hand Salve is really, really amazing.
I wish! Sadly I’m usually a drugstore products gal.
Ahh yes, I remember the days when I was capable of spending only a reasonable amount of money on moisturizer. You are wise to stay there.
Well I’m almost 35 and I have dry skin so I probably NEED the big guns, it’s just not in the family budget for me to spend more than $10-15 on moisturizer.
You would have to order it online, but I swear by Haus of Gloi’s pumpkin butter. It is super moisturizing but absorbs pretty quickly and you can get a giant tub for in your price range.
My hands are never not dry, and Kiehl’s hand salve is the only thing that’s seemed to work on them so far. Though Neutrogena Norwegian Formula does help.
I am ride or die for Curel Itch Defense Lotion.
If you want to seriously Treat Yo Self in this department, Jurlique makes literally the best hand cream in the whole entire world. It is pure magic. It’s made by angels. It will turn your hands into delicate kitten paws. The citrus flavored one is my favorite.
My hands are really eczema prone, so my stuff might be more extreme than you need, but–
–Some of your dry skin problems might be due to hand soap with triclosan in it (it’s supposedly antibacterial, you’ll see it listed in the active ingredients). My office switched to soap with triclosan in it and it really messed my hands up.
–Cotton gloves or socks on your hands when you sleep to help keep in the moisture. You’ll also be able to glop on more hand cream without worrying about getting it on your sheets.
I’ve had dry hands my whole life; I’m always picking/peeling at those dead skin/hangnail things that develop along my nails right next to the skin, and it’s only recently occurred to me I could try to combat them.
lol. I just cut the dead skin off with nailclippers.
Eucerin! Scentless and so hydrating. I am a cuticle-ripper, too, and I do like to use some cuticle salve as well, before bed.. The burt’s bees one is pretty good.
I really love Lush’s Handy Gurugu! It does have fragrance, but it doesn’t bother my sensitive skin like other fragrances do, for some reason.
Udder balm (easily spotted in the store by the fact that it has cow-patterning on the jar/tube). If you don’t mind smelling like lanolin, it’s a lifesaver. I use it for when nothing else has worked, and my hands are actually cracking. Amazing.
Seconding the bag balm! Seriously I’m a lanolin addict and I use it for everything. Lips, hands, feet, sunburns, anything! And it’s so cheap for a giant tub!
Make-up Toasts: give me your suggestions for beauty blogs or make-up tutorial videos that don’t use ten million products. I’m trying to wear makeup more consistently and I’ve got skin and skincare products down but I have absolutely no idea how to purchase or use any other kind of makeup. Help?
I quite like xovain (especially the old posts by Alle) for tutorials and recommendations. I’ve worn makeup almost every day for quite a long time now, and I still find their basic posts really useful. The contributors have a wide spectrum of things they talk about, but many of the posts give good reviews of products plus examples of how to use them.
For specific artists, I like Lisa Eldridge. She definitely comes down on the editorial side of the editorial/Instagram beauty divide, which I like as a balance against the more Instagram YouTube stars. She uses high-end products most of the time, but I’ve been very successful in using her techniques plus drugstore makeup.
I was just going to recommend Lisa. Pixiwoo are also good for the basics. I’m bad at following instructions from YouTube, but watching those two helped me understand what order you put products on and things like that!
Thirding Lisa Eldridge. She sometimes includes drugstore alternatives.
Can I ask how you select which drugstore makeup to use in lieu of a high-end product? I’ve had horrible luck with it and I’m not sure if I’m just not experienced enough to be able to tell what’s good and what isn’t or if there is a method that I’m missing.
If there’s a particular high-end product you’re interested in, I would google that product’s name + “dupe.” That, and I’ve also had some luck just searching things like “best drugstore eyeliner” or whatever. If the name of a product/brand comes up frequently, I tend to file that away as something to try.
I read a lot of reviews (found through Google and xovain, mostly) before I buy pretty much anything totally new. I prefer reviews with pictures to anonymous internet comments so that I can see how it looks on a person and gauge how reasonable their conclusions seem. I’ve also had good luck posting on my Facebook feed about a certain thing I was looking for, asking for recommendations, and tagging a couple of people I knew cared a lot about makeup. Most people are pleased to share what they’ve found, both in terms of horror stories and success stories. I found my favorite everyday red lipstick on a thread here last year when someone asked for advice on drugstore red lipsticks.
Beyond that, look for a drugstore that has a great returns policy. CVS, for example, will let you return beauty products even after they’ve been opened and used lightly. That takes a lot of the pressure off, since you can’t swatch drugstore stuff before you buy it.
Alle Connell is a dream angel from heaven and xovain used to be great, I don’t know if it’s still good from personal experience but the reviews are awesome.
I also need make-up help! Have you/has anyone tried the Sephora makeover service? I’ve never worn make-up and I desperately need to start.
I had really good luck identifying the product categories I wanted and then doing a lot of research on makeupalley.com to find out what the most popular products where, making a shortlist and then trying them for myself.
This is the routine I settled on a few years ago and haven’t really deviated from:
Foundation: Nars tinted moisturizer
Blush: Nars Orgasm
Highlighter: Josie Marin
Eyelid primer: Laura Mercier
Eyeshadow: Urban Decay Naked Pallet
Brows: Tarte
Mascara: Whatever
I tend to think that it’s worth it to go Sephora instead of drug store because you can try and/or return anything (especially important for basics like foundation/tinted moisturizer). And in general the products tend to last longer and you have to use less. Many also come in travel-sized versions on the website so you can try something for a few months before making a bigger investment.
I actually use magazines as my product guide–Japanese fashion magazines list what’s on the models, so it’s easy for me to note down, “ok, I want the MAC Golden Hours eyeshadow palette.” They also have really easy to understand illustrated application tutorials!
I’m trying to wear makeup more consistently, too! I’m really into the look that I had for my wedding, which was essentially a really well-rested me with some color in my cheeks. So essentially what I did is I looked up some “five minute makeup” tutorials and adapted them to my own needs. This is the one I used (it’s from Cosmo, which, ugh, but it’s actually solid): link.
In order to really follow the tutorial I bought:
– some Tarte BB cream (the Amazonian Clay kind is really just tinted moisturizer and I can barely feel it on my face)
– L’Oreal blush recommended in the tutorial
– Ulta illuminating powder
– the brushes recommended in the tutorial (fan, crease, liner; I got the EcoTools brand that is sold at both Target and Ulta)
I had to look up wtf the apples of cheeks are so I could properly apply blush (this link helped me a ton), and I already had mascara, concealer, lipstick, and lipliner that I liked. I follow that tutorial pretty much every morning, leaving out whatever I don’t feel like doing, which is always the eyeliner part. It takes me about five minutes, and I’m always impressed by how well-rested I look. I can fit all of the makeup and tools that I use for that tutorial in one small makeup bag.
Question about Toast Post! I have my person and want to send something right away. But what are the guidelines? What do people send? Postcards, letters, actual stuff? Help!
I sent a card to mine earlier this week. Just a blank inside card with very random stuff written.
Wait, people have been assigned? Is that rolling out gradually, or have I been overlooked? I want to Toast post a Toastie, too!
I haven’t gotten my assignment either. I hope it’s a gradual roll-out and that we haven’t both been overlooked.
I got my match on the 4th, and the few times it has come up in LR threads, it sounds like there are several folks who hadn’t yet received matches.
It’s a slow roll, I got mine last night, other people got them last week. I’m sure you haven’t been missed!
I haven’t got my match yet, either! (I’m not sure if this = “Don’t worry!” or “Let’s worry together!”
It sounds like the Toast Post Masters are rolling it out slowly – thus, let’s don’t worry together!
Here on the “Let’s don’t worry together” train!
Is it a sleeper train? Is there a dining car? Let’s all congregate in the dining car.
Can we sing about snow in four-part harmony while we wait for our matches?
You don’t want me singing (about snow or otherwise), but I’m happy to buy a round of beverages while we await our matches!
I’m not certain how this train thing happened, but I’ll bring warm blankets and music and sweets.
I sent a postcard with a cheery hello earlier this week. Nothing much of substance on it (because: postcard.)
I got my matches a day or so ago, it’s definitely a slow roll-out. And I know I’m super late to the thread, but just wanted to say that last time I received mostly postcards, but a few small things – a welcome to night vale bumper sticker, and a pair of very delicate hoop wire earrings that I absolutely cherish! I’m planning on sending out cards with a very small trinket in each.
Outdoorsy/fitness-y Toasties! My running buddy and I are in a bit of a funk. We still enjoy being outside and we still enjoy each other’s company, but we’ve been cycling through “ugh, I can’t run this, it’s too hard, I can’t do it, I have to stop because I can’t do it” and “ugh, I’m moving around but not really enjoying moving around, even though this is a pretty park.” Do you have any suggestions on how to get our groove back? We really love running, and it’s hard and confusing and scary to not love it right now.
Period question: do we think 23/24-day cycles with 7 days of bleeding are “normal”? This has been my jam for the last 2.5 years, during which I’ve had a Paragard in. I was on hormonal birth control for a long time before that, so I didn’t really have a good baseline comparison. For a while I thought the short cycle/long bleed was an IUD side effect, but I’ve long stopped getting other Paragard symptoms (rivers of blood, cramps of doom, etc.) so I think it’s just what my periods are.
I think it’s within the normal range? But my period tracking app misses my period by three days every damn month and I feel like it’s trolling me.
How old are you? Does 7 days of “bleeding” include “rusty TP” days? It doesn’t sound ABNORMAL, honestly.
31. Yes, although if we’re being totally honest rusty TP can also push it into 8.
It just seems like a lot!
Mine was like that until I went on the pill – I got very bored of it and also of not knowing when it was coming as sometimes it was randomly quite late as well. I had forgotten the HORROR of it all when I became single and came off the pill, so after a couple of years I went back on it. Hoping to stay on it until the bitter end now!
That sounds fairly normal to me. Maybe try a different app?
That sounds like something my endocrinologist would refer to as “normal but not desirable.” If your cycle is regular, then my experience with not very good gyns suggests that as long as the numbers add up to something between 26 and 31, docs will not see a problem.
Oh, 23-24 is the sum, though. 17 days not bleeding/7 days bleeding. Sorry, that was not very clear!
Wait, are you me?
No, but maybe only in that I don’t have an endocrinologist?
This is exactly me, and I have Paragard too. I’ve always had shortish cycles, but more on the 25ish day side. But I can’t tell what’s Paragard and what’s just what my body does now. Bleh.
Yeah, I think mine were also slightly longer before Paragard? But I’m just not sure. I should probably just make a gynecologist appointment and ask her.
I’ve had a paraguard for five years now, and my cycle is 21/22 days which includes 5 days of bleeding. I never considered whether it was ‘normal’ or not – it’s certainly not desirable – but based on all the responses it seems within limits, anecdotally. Before the paraguard I was on hormonal BCP, so I have no idea what was normal for me before.
Toasties, I posted with much trepidation and angst some weeks ago about the grad school/dissertation grind and how it was getting me down, but I have a finished draft of my dissertation as of last night, and as of this morning it has my director’s approval to go out to my committee once I’ve made his suggested revisions. Also, I HAVE A COMMITTEE. ALSO A POSTDOC FELLOWSHIP. What is this life.
I’m celebrating with chips and guac and this evening there will be beer.
Also, I reported this news to my family, and my mother responded with understated happiness, my sisters with a rain of emojis and gifs, and my father with a Winston Churchill quote.
This is amazing Peak Dad behavior. Also congrats!
Truly it was glorious. My dad certainly has his Peak Dad moments.
Hi Toasts! Tech woes thread?
Right now All The Tech Things are going wrong at work, and while I know, intellectually, that this is a frustrating situation that will end eventually, my PMS brain is on a loop of “the fact that they have not solved these issues means that they haaaaate me, and that they don’t care about my work, and they don’t care about meeeeee, woe.” I am currently trying to get through this by having tabs open with different Calming Manatees; other suggestions welcome.
my computer is at the age where i should replace it, but i’d like to wait for a new release coming this summer. i’ve migrated files since 2 computers ago and would really like to just wipe everything and install fresh, but if anything goes wrong, i will be in tech hell fixing it. the compromise, as advised by IT husband is to upgrade 1 thing at a time, and try to eradicate memory hogs, then just do everything fresh on the new computer. i’m doing this, but still haven’t solved how s l o w l y it runs. so, woe is my tech, for about 3 more months.
Oh no — that sounds super annoying. Slow computers are so frustrating, even when you know there will eventually be faster things.
We ordered a new server from Lenovo to house a new database software (exciting!) but the server’s delivery has been delayed so many times that it’s now scheduled to arrive a month after they initially told me it would be here (annoying!) and we kiiiinda need it to be here because all the programs that the new software is supposed to replace, their licenses will expire on May 1st (terrifying!) I’m going to copy you and affix myself to a Calming Manatee.
So I’ve been doing a lot of the bookkeeping filing at work lately, and today, I get a stack of ancient paperwork that was found on a desk somewhere. It’s all in ex!boss’ handwriting, it’s procedurally terrible (no, that’s not how we keep track of customer orders, your chickenscratch is not an adequate bookkeeping system), and it’s making me incredibly angry. Because yet again, it’s a reminder of all of the ways he completely failed to do any of the things he was yelling at us for not doing, and now I get to spend 45 minutes of my day sorting out his 2-year old fuckups. Fuck you, ex!boss, for screwing up enough that we’re still untangling your paperwork fuckups. Asshole.
I came home from school to pick up my new computer (I have gone back to Dell! I love Dell!) and my dad decided to wait until we had dropped my sister off to tell me that he’d been having chest pains for two days and hadn’t called his doctor. I somehow did not panic or actually cry or throw up! I just asked him if he’d called his doctor and planned ways to escape the car in case he had a heart attack at the wheel. (He did call the doctor! He then failed to tell my mother that he was having chest pains and that was why she had to drop everything and drive him to the doctor! *I* had to tell my mother about all of this!!!)
Dad is fine for now, I guess. His chest is still bothering him but they let him go home. I have been having flashbacks to the one time when I was 9 and we thought he was having a heart attack and we had to sit in the hospital for hours. It was actually easier then, because I had no frame of reference for “uh oh dad is having chest pains DEATH IS IMMINENT PANIC PANIC” and just wanted to go back home and watch TV. Also because Dad was smart enough to tell my mother he was not feeling well instead of expecting me to tell her all this without actually directing me to tell her.
This is why I hate being the child who my parents have deemed “the responsible one,” because then I get stuck with things like this and have no ability to actually deal with them.
I’m so sorry that happened, it sounds unbelievably stressful. It also sounds like you handled it like a fucking champ. Parents, be adults! You are the adults, even when we are adults too!
What kills me is that he had been having chest pains for TWO DAYS. I came home Wednesday, so this means this whole shenanigan started TUESDAY and did not get addressed until THURSDAY. He did not inform my mother of this at any point in time at all!
He’s 64 years old with a family history of cardio problems! He swore up and down that he’d call the ambulance if he felt really bad, but that…did not help since I was still quietly having hysterics instead of doing my homework because “oh god what if Dad dies on the toilet, I can’t handle that, how will I keep the dog away from the bathroom and Dad and the ambulance people” thoughts.
I can only sympathize. My dad is in for his third heart procedure this month. And they still didn’t manage to get the stent in, and kept him in the hospital an extra day. In between he’s been waking up and taking multiple doses of nitroglycerin without telling my mom. WTF, dads?!
That is so scary. Being the responsible one is indeed tough. But good work keeping it together and making your dad get it checked out, and i’m glad he seems to be okay.
I think you handled this perfectly. Getting your Dad to the doctor and making sure the other adult in his home knows what’s going on with him were the two most important things to be done, and you did them both right away. That you did them while going “ohshitohshitohshitohshit” the whole time does not make them any less done.
I will also say that I’m kind of angry at your Dad on your behalf. He’s a full grown adult who is well aware of his family history and his own health history and capable of dialing a phone and communicating with the other adults in his life. That he’s putting this on you so that he doesn’t have to deal with any of it is not great. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with being in denial about his health issues and it being scary to face up to his own mortality, especially as he’s getting older. But I think it’s okay to be angry at him for this even while you’re worried about him.
Question of the day: did I somehow follow my ex boyfriend on the Quora account I made ages ago and then forgot about, and then he followed me back? Or did he follow me and does Quora instate an autofollow type deal? Should I just erase my profile and pretend none of this ever happened?
Yeah I think it’s like LinkedIn, where it will sneakily prompt you “do you want to follow everyone you’ve EVER EMAILED?” and some people click yes on that because they’re not thinking. This is what I assume when people I barely remember from college follow me on Quora even though I never use Quora, at least.
My ex’s mom added me on LinkedIn once, and I was like “huh, weird, I guess she’s not mad at me for dumping her baby boy anymore” (it was a weird relationship on all fronts) and I accepted and then she sent me an awkward email like “I’m SO SORRY, did NOT mean to add you” and I was like “oh, ok, well, hope you’re well!” and we’re still connections, the end.
hello toastfriends, long time no see — so I’ve had the weirdest 3 months of my life and everything is just — all over the place.
my father died at the end of February and it’s been — weird and terrible? he had ALS, so it’s not like we didn’t see it coming, but — it was less than a year between his diagnosis and his death and it’s really unfair. that’s a deeply inane thing to say, but there you go. anyway, every time dad-related things come up I have to tap out because I don’t — really know what to do, you know?
also, I had the shocking revelation the other day that you can find a man cute and stylish without wanting to have sex with him, which is something apparently everybody knew except me (which is stupid, because I find women cute all the time without immediately being like AND NOW I GOTTA BANG HER, but there you go) and it has been a REVELATION. I put all this time and effort into assuming that, because I think a dude is cute, I must also want to have sex with him, when it’s not at all the same way with women?? I might be a lesbian??? jfc how much energy have I wasted trying to straighten out?????
also, how do you start incorporating menswear into your wardrobe. help me. I am 27 and dress like I’m in college still. everything is difficult.
I’m so sorry about your dad. And I don’t think it’s inane at all to say it’s unfair. It is unfair and shitty, and I am sending you love over the internet tubes.
thank you
idk, it’s just — people die all the time, you know? and of course it’s not logical or fair, but then it happens to you and HOO BOY you have a whooooole new appreciation for the unfairness of life! so — that happened.
Totally… It’s “normal” but doesn’t feel anywhere close to normal when it happens.
I know how you feel–ever since my father died 13 years ago, I get irrationally infuriated by Father’s Day advertising. We never, ever paid any attention to Father’s Day, but still, every ad I see that says “your dad will love this!” arouses a response “HOW DARE YOU ASSUME WHAT MY DEAD FATHER WOULD LOVE IF HE WERE HERE HE WOULD HAVE HATED YOUR CRAPPY COMMERCIAL WHATNOT AND ANYWAY HAVE YOU EVEN GIVEN A MOMENT’S THOUGHT TO THAT PERHAPS SOME PEOPLE DON’T EVEN HAVE FATHERS???!!!” And I just have to step back and think, okay, irrational response, life is not fair, don’t let your head explode because of this stupid ad. But yeah, life is not fair, you will adapt to his being gone (because the only other option is for you yourself to die, and we don’t want that!), but you will still miss him.
yeah — idk, I see anything about Dad Stuff and my hackles go up like an angry dog. even good stuff! bad stuff!! stuff that isn’t about me or my dad at all!!!! it’s been — not ideal.
I will say that in my personal circumstance, getting all my tv through Netflix, ad-free Hulu, etc. and getting my newspaper on Kindle so I don’t see ads has done wonders for my blood pressure. The thing is, it happens, it’s going to keep happening, it will change over time but never really go away, so go with it. Don’t feel like you have to perform grief in any particular way. It won’t bring your dad back (though it will bring him to mind, which will eventually be a good thing), but it’s perfectly fine to be furious with the world for a while.
Hey there, I hope I’m not dragging down your post by focusing only on the first part, but I just wanted to say that I’m very sorry for your loss. ALS took one of my family members too, and I also felt like it was cruel and unfair and didn’t make any damn sense. Sending good thoughts to you.
On a more lighthearted note, I feel like shoes matter when it comes to menswear. I’m a cis het lady but I like to dress in a “borrowed this from my boyfriend” kind of way, and I felt like I was pulling it off once I had a pair of classic-looking loafers or oxfords that I felt confident in. Just my $0.02!
thanks — ALS is really awful? it’s really awful. I mean, I guess there’s no way to die that isn’t somehow uniquely awful, but for my particular parent and those particular circumstances, not being able to speak was awful.
heh, right now ngl I just wear Doc Martens with everything — I tell myself they’re gay enough to be ~fashionable, but I’m probably lying to myself. I looove oxfords tho, I really ought to get around to buying me some.
No I wear Doc Martens all the time too! I love my big shit-kicking boots. Then I bought my first pair of more tailored, “sleek” oxfords and was like whoaaa I feel snappy. Do what makes you feel good, friend.
…Althoughhh, Doc Martens also makes some pretty sharp-looking oxfords and lace-ups. Just sayin 😉
Thirding or fourthing menswear shoes. Consider classic masculine boot styles as well, whether motorcycle boots or riding boots are your taste. If you’re a smaller shoe size, boys sizes might work for you for less money than the grown up counterpart. Brooks Brothers? J Crew?
Adding that I am a sucker for tailored vests and have found solid options at both H&M and Banana Republic. I wear them over girlier dresses and with skirts, but they also make a basic jeans + fitted tee outfit look styled (in a good way).
1) I’m sorry about your dad. I hear what you’re saying about it being inane to say it’s unfair, but…ALS is really fucking unfair. It’s a sneaky evil disease.
2)I find different types of bodies aesthetically lovely, with a complete minus of groin feelings. So you sound totally normal to me.
3)Find a good tailor (usually at a dry cleaner or alterations shop. Alternatively, buy some menswear at thrift stores and play with it. Wear a natty vest around the house if it helps you feel like you’re “allowed” to wear what you what. Give yourself permission to play dress up.
(Sorry about your dad.)
I bought myself these shoes here as a present, and they make me feel dandy. You could maybe start by picking out shoes/a jacket/something else you can wear with a lot of outfits, and then picking out other pieces that go with that first thing? You might also set out with a general silhouette in mind (loose top/tight bottom, loose loose, whatever makes you feel good), and pick pieces according to that.
I highly recommend shoes like those regardless of menswear so I agree.
I’m really sorry about your father. That sounds like such a nightmare and it’s not inane to feel like it’s unfair.
I am dealing with similar revelations in my life now! I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I have no idea about that last question since I gave up on trying to look good in menswear. 🙁
a. I’m not sure why (although work plays pretty heavily into it) but this is a really ‘down’ week for me and I kind of want to just curl up and do nothing this w/e but I have already accepted invitations to do a couple of things with dear friends and I really must make an effort. I’m also feeling a bit perturbed about some relationship things but I will have to write it out for myself and bring it to a future OT to see if I’m being weird about stuff or if they’re valid concerns.
b. I had a really good discussion with my GP when I went for my Pap a few weeks ago, about any other cancer screenings I could do (since my birth mom had breast CA at age 40) as I am, not unreasonably, concerned about the sneakier ovarian and uterine kinds. I told her I knew there weren’t really any reliable tests but asked if there was anything we could do as a baseline, to check that I don’t (likely) have anything now, so in the future there’d be something to go on. So she gave me a req to have a CA125 test, which I’ve done and hopefully don’t hear anything about. Monday I go in to have a transvaginal ultrasound, to have a look ’round and make sure everything appears as it should right now. Since I would rather know than not know, neither of these is particularly stressing me out. Although drinking 4 glasses of water 2 hours before and then not being able to go to the bathroom until after the exam is…going to be a challenge.
c. Bf and I have been (sort-of jokingly? but not?) discussing writing a couple of books for tiny people and I think this could be a fun thing for us to do together, even if it only ends up being a self-published kind of thing.
WRITE THE BOOKS. Have a date night once a week where that is what you do. Get takeout and a bottle of wine and just bullshit around together.
<hugs> for the other crap things, hope they get better.
The full-bladder transvaginal ultrasound is not comfy, but it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Just pretend you’re in a Kafka story. Good luck.
Did you get to watch on a monitor? I don’t really have any idea what to expect. The only other procedure like this I’ve ever had was some kind of bladder-related test, can’t even remember what it was called.
Well, I have experienced that particular procedure three different times.
The first time was about a decade ago. It was done in a facility that specialized in those kinds of tests. I checked in and waited with a painfully full bladder until my turn was called. I was led to a changing room and given a hospital gown and a basket for my clothes and belongings.
The technician took me to a dark room with an exam table and the ultrasound machine and monitor. The tool that they use for the transvaginal ultrasound looked like a big dildo. There was a lot of lube involved! It (the lube/wand) was cold! The monitor was turned away from me, so I couldn’t see it, although the monitor light made the room look spooky. I don’t think the tech was allowed to tell me much, although I seem to remember her saying something generally reassuring about not seeing anything alarming.
We were spelunking for possible fibroids and/or ovarian cysts, mainly, so it was a pretty thorough examination. There was only one moment that was physically uncomfortable…she was trying to find one of my ovaries and had to sort of dig around for it. It wasn’t painful, exactly, but there was a brief, almost electric-feeling jolt, like getting hit in the funny bone. Then it was over and I got to pee before my next ultrasound of the day, which was, at least, less invasive. I did not get a conclusive opinion about the test until my next doctor’s appointment, but it turned out that my internal organs were looking great, which was good to hear. My doc was super enthused about my beautiful liver.
The second time I experienced the joy of the transvaginal ultrasound was last year in my gynecologist’s office. Once again, we were trying to rule out fibroids. There, I could see the monitor. I imagine that was because they work with more pregnant people who want to see their fetuses? The technician was nice enough to tell me which blobs on the screen were my uterus and ovaries. They didn’t look the way I expected from that angle. I don’t remember suffering as much with a full bladder that time, probably because I didn’t have to wait as long, and I timed my fluid intake a bit better. I also don’t remember any pain or discomfort from the actual procedure that time. My gyn let me know the same day that I was fibroid-free, hooray!
My third transvaginal ultrasound was in the same office, and it was just a quickie to make sure my IUD was placed properly. I can’t remember whether I could see the monitor that time, but it seems to me that it was turned away.
I hope that this helps you feel prepared! The worst parts for me were the full bladder and suppressing my juvenile sense of humor at the dildo-ness of it all.
Also, the person who performs the ultrasound probably won’t be able to tell you anything conclusive while they are doing it. Your doctor will likely look at the images afterwards and then let you know their findings. Don’t be nervous if you have to wait a bit to get the answers you’re looking for!
I’m trying to get a document in Greek with a smattering of English translated through the power of Google. I read Russian. There is juuuuuust enough similarity in the alphabets that it’s screwing me up and giving me a giant headache.
also I GOT MY FIRST BIG TATTOO and I love it and am enamored of it. 3.5 hours, and I need to go back for color, but it’s a giant beautiful botanical tattoo of Pacific Northwest plants and I am so pumped about it it’s absurd.
Also I’m trying to stretch my ears from 8g to 6g and holy shit??? the jump in size is HUGE. ABSURD. I’m going to give the tape method a go just because HOLY HELL, it got stuck in there and I could not get any further.
If anybody is still reading this — tell me abt yr body mods :3
Tattoos! I would love to see a picture of said tattoo if you’re open to sharing. I have two teensy little ones – the phrase “courage, dear heart” from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader on my shoulder, and a little mountain range with the phrase “rivers and roads” on my left ankle. I’m still figuring out the specifics of my MA-finishing tattoo for later this year – “nolite te bastardes carborundorum,” perhaps?
I have a tale of woe! I took out my vch in January for surgery and I took too long to put it back and now I don’t know what to do! Like, two weeks after surgery, when I could once again bend without pain, my spouse and I tried to get it back in but could only get it like halfway (it’s a curved barbell). I think I may have to just have it re-pierced but in the meantime it all looks and feels wrong and I’m being lazy because my piercing place is kind of a drive. Blah!
Oooh congratulations! I would love to see a pic, or read more detailed description, if you’re comfortable sharing. I got my first tattoo last summer. It’s a stylized honeysuckle of my own design, with a word hidden in there amongst the pistils and stamens that reminds me that I have agency and deserve nice things. I don’t regret it yet which is a good thing!
and a picture, if this works —
this is IMMEDIATELY post tattoo so it’s gooey and gross, but — madrona, red cedar, and rhododendron tattoo! does it count as a half-sleeve if it’s just part of my upper arm and not the whole thing?
o.O o.O o.O GORGEOUS
THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! And it’ll be even more beautiful when it’s colored! Congratulations!
GORGEOUS
OH MY GOD THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
I have no body mods because I am a) old; b) afraid of pain; and c) commitment-phobic, but I admire other people’s every chance I get.
(And no, I don’t stroke their tattoos or stick my fingers in their ears.)
I have two tattoos – a little black cat on my left hip, in memory of my dearly departed kitty, and a big ol’ crow on my forearm sewing red thread into my skin, as tribute to the artist Dessa.
I hope to get another tattoo on my shoulder/upper arm, of a loon, a badger, and a third animal yet to be decided (though probably a skunk tbh) that will represent the three states in which I’ve lived.
Eventually I will become a walking menagerie and this pleases me.
Ohhhh that tattoo is just amazing. Just. Wow. Yeah. Yes. Well done you. I mean, and your tattoo artist of course. Mmhmm. Yep. So good.
I also hear ya on the stretching woes. I went from whatever gauge Claire’s used in the late ’80s/early ’90s to a 0 over the course of… hm, maybe a year and a few months? Which, looking back, seems way too fast, probably. The 8g-6g jump is Not Fun, I do remember that. If I recall correctly, the rest is easier.
Until, apparently, you get to the jump between either 0g to 00g, or 00g to 7/16g? I can’t remember which, but I remember having a friend who told me that one of those two was also a bitch.
She also told me that if you stretch wrong/too fast your earlobes will look like cats’ assholes. I have both cats and improperly stretched ears. Can confirm.
So, go easy on yourself, I guess is the lesson here? Also, I have found that coconut oil makes an excellent lube for recalcitrant plugs and flares, once you’ve healed up.
I just re-stretched my right earlobe to 4g! My other earlobe was fucked up by an incompetent piercer, so it is scarred and healing. I’m also re-stretching my conch from 6g to 4g but that’s taking longer, damn cartilage. All my beauteous 4g jewelry is once again wearable!!
Hi Toasts!
In the hopes that someone will see this- I have an education question. Recently I have been floating the idea of becoming a science teacher (specifically a Biology teacher), not in any demonstrable way, but I’ve just been thinking about it as a potential career.
Does anyone have ideas or resources on how to explore this? I don’t want to jump into grad school for education or start job searching or anything because I’m not sure how effective I would be as a teacher and I think it’s irresponsible to just assume “i’m smart, I could teach!!”. Communicating Science is my top interest right there next to Empowering Women and especially Women of Color, so I see why it makes sense but I’ve never gravitated toward teaching partially because I always assumed I didn’t have the temperament for it- when I was a student I never participated in class discussions because I was too shy. Those kinds of kids don’t become teachers, right? Of course, a lot of things have changed since then and I’m actually in a forward-facing role now and turns out I have more extrovert tendencies than I ever thought.
I guess my question is, if you teach, how did you know you’d be good at it? Is there any way to test out the waters of teaching? If I have all these ideas on how I would try and make a science class interesting to students, is that horribly naive of me?
You could volunteer at a science museum/zoo. Most volunteer roles involve informal education for a few people at a time, but you might also lead tours for larger school groups. You could also apply to teach at a museum/zoo spring break/summer day camp, which would give you more of an idea of how working with a whole class would be.
If you currently work as a biologist, you could see if your workplace has any kind of community outreach lecture series you could present at, too.
You could also look for volunteer opportunities working with girls in science/robotics to combine your interests.
ahh thank you! I have volunteered at museums in other respects but never the front-end which seems silly now that I think of it. Will look into this.
(unfortunately I don’t work as a biologist- I’m just super nerdy about biology in general)
What kind of job do you have now? Could you ask to lead some kind of training or employee development project where you are now? This is what prompted my mom to go into teaching as a second career.
I’m in higher ed development, so while it’s not totally unheard of there aren’t a lot of opportunities to lead trainings unfortunately. It’s a good thing to keep in mind to look out for, though! Thanks!
I think Beckie’s volunteering and lecturing suggestions are really great! You could also look for (volunteer or paid) tutoring work — a lot of tutoring services focus on math and reading, since those tend to be what standardized tests are focused on, but you might be able to find one that has a broader focus, or that does “whatever kids bring in problems with.” And even if you only find opportunities in math/reading, even tutoring a subject you’re less interested in teaching could help you get a better sense of how you’d do interacting with students, explaining stuff in a way kids will follow, keeping their attention and handling a little bit of classroom management, etc.
Thank you for the suggesting and for voicing what was making me hesitate about trying tutoring. I think looking at the things I could get a better sense of through tutoring is important.
We have a local division of the United Way that’s just for teens–United Action for Youth. They have adults that lead study groups and do all kinds of things.
A friend who changed careers to become a teacher volunteered in a classroom beforehand. If you know any teachers, ask them if you could do that in their school!
I did not know that was a thing! I do know some teachers, maybe I’ll reach out to them.. thank you!
I don’t know if it’s doable everywhere, but she already knew the teacher whose classroom she volunteered in. Always worth a shot! Good luck!!
I have always really liked learning about things, and then explaining them and answering questions about them. I’m not really an extrovert, exactly, but I have always been pretty comfortable speaking in front of people. But I was a Hermione Granger-ish student for most of my life, too, so I think no one was very surprise that I was interested in teaching.
That said, I have quiet, shy friends who are thoughtful and gifted teachers as well, and really delight in the sharing of knowledge. I think if you’re energized by seeing that spark when people learn something, and willing to try lots of ways of approaching a concept, teaching could be a good fit. Tutoring is a great place to start, and getting in touch with local teachers to see if you can do in-class presentations about something of relevance to their students is also a great way to find out. Consider reading some pedagogy texts, too–bell hooks and Paulo Freire are great theorists of this stuff and have great things to say about teaching in a way that empowers students. If this stuff excites you rather than putting you to sleep, awesome.
this description is really helpful. I think I do like a lot of those things. The texts are a really great idea too- can never do too much reading!! Thank you!
My graduate school has a big science outreach program that runs a bunch of different programs, both for the public and for public schools in our area. Most of the volunteers they look for are grad students, but there are also non-students who work in the outreach program full time. Maybe see if any universities near you have any sort of outreach program you could help out in?
I also agree with the people who have suggested volunteering. I’ve donated to organizations in my area that seem like they’re focused on supporting kids/providing them opportunities to do fun and interesting things, not just improving standardized test performance.
That’s awesome that you do science outreach (I noticed your post about the cow eyes further up the thread)- how do you like it?
Volunteering is a good point too! I guess I thought I’d missed out on some things because I didn’t do them while I was still in undergrad but it’s likely that some organizations accept a wide range of people.
I really like it! It has confirmed my belief that I don’t want to be a full time teacher (I have so much respect for teachers, I have no idea how they do it), but it’s been a ton of fun. We basically teach 3-4 classes and try and do fun activities so that the kids see a) young scientists and b) think science is fun and interesting. I got into science because of my high school teachers (no one in my family has a scientific background), so it’s incredibly important to me to try and give that back a little bit. Also teachers are so often constrained by testing needs, and high school science can often be rote and dull, so it’s fun to have the freedom (and funds) to go in and just try to make really engaging lessons that are way more focused on the kids leaving and thinking “wow, that was cool” than trying to memorize a pathway or something.
Update on the cross-country move: I’m not somewhere sunny yet, but I’m moving somewhere sunny at the start of May! (Moving from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Salt Spring Island, BC, gonna work on a farm for room and board and start a professional art career on the side.)
My last day of work is in 3 days, and then I’m done my tech-support call centre job (which, to be fair, paid enough for me to save up, which is why I’m able to do this move without freaking out about money).
And I had a funny thought the other day; I’m the youngest of 3 daughters, travelling to a distant land to seek my fortune. Just so happens that it’s happening at 30 instead of 16, like it would have been in a fairy tale.
You are in for a treat! Salt Spring is like a little slice of paradise, especially coming from Winnipeg (I did the Winnipeg to BC move a few years ago).
oh my god, the gulf islands are so beautiful. Congrats on the move!
Is anyone else reading “All the Single Ladies” by Rebecca Traister and want to talk about it? If you’re not, you should, because it is very very good!
I was recommended this book and am waiting in line for it through my library!
Ooh, I read an excerpt from it on The Cut, and loved it. Thank you for reminding me– I’ll add it to my book queue.
Edited to add: Eep! There are 35 people in line ahead of me. Well, I can get in line anyway.
I just started it! I read her book about women in politics earlier this year and loved it. She is excellent.
Hi toasties! Longtime lurker, first time open-threader. I’m in the Philly area and I’ve been more frustrated than usual with the malarkey of the patriarchy. I’ve been using the warmth an awesomeness of this community for a long time to remind myself that there are lots of cool enlightened people out there, and I realized I’d really like to join in on the fun. Are there any good toastie meetups in the Philly area? Any suggestions for what to do when you’ve had it with the expectations of performing femininity? So happy to be here! <3
Greetings! Are you a member of the Philly Toast google group? It’s pretty quiet, but if you have any meetup ideas I’d certainly be interested! I’m terrible at thinking of things to do.
I’m not part of the group, actually! I’d love to be added, what’s the process for that? I’d love to throw some meet-up ideas into the mix, thanks 🙂
There’s probably a button where you can ask to be added, and one of the current members will confirm it? It’s been a while since I joined any google groups.
No suggestions, but: I would be 100% down for a Philly toast meetup. <3
Awesome! Should I post an idea in the group, then?
Go for it!
Fellow grad student anons, send help…
Hello all, I’m a PhD candidate in the humanities at Big School U, and as of today I have been rejected for every single thing I applied for this year. I am questioning all my life choices and looking for a nice hole in the wilderness somewhere to swallow me.
I get on one level that each of these applications is a totally different beast and that for a couple it genuinely means bupkis if I am not accepted, but it’s kind of hard to look at the whole round of them and not be discouraged. It’s comforting to see so many toasts in the OT today who are turning in dissertations, getting employment, and celebrating successes (congrats!). But did you ever seriously consider quitting or have a period where the degree just seemed like a pointless long shot? If so, what kept you going? Are there alt-ac careers you’ve considered?
I cleaned off my hard drive two years ago (so, seven years after I finished my Ph.D.). On it I found a folder titled “I Quit,” and when I went into it, I found a letter for literally every semester I was in grad school expressing my intention to leave the program. Only thing different among them was the date (and occasionally my willingness to express regret over that choice). So Hells Yes, I had at least once a semester where I thought about quitting. What kept me going was knowing that 1. I would enjoy my field a lot more when I got to do it outside of classes, and 2. I am a first-gen college student and I wanted to beat the odds that research shows are stacked against me. I won, but at the expense of time away from my extended family (time that continues to be away, as my efforts to find a job back home have been for nil) and at least two years of bad mental health. But I survived, and at least three of the best friends I’ve had in my life are people I would not have met without grad school, and at the end of the day no matter how many rejection letters I get I still have that damn degree on my wall to look at and be proud of.
I don’t know if that’s useful, though. 🙁
Thank you! The file of unsent letters sounds pretty familiar, and it helps to know other people have been in the same boat and don’t regret sticking with it.
I have actually been working remotely from my home town this year for family reasons, which has been great. I don’t think I would enjoy being here long term, but the freedom to be here this year has really helped. I guess I just go back and forth on to what extent any unhappiness is a function of the actual work/work environment and what is more pervasive problems that are ongoing, long-term things I’m working on. It seems dumb to quit this close to my defense, but I sometimes feel like finishing will be proof of my stubbornness more than anything else. :/ I do come from a long line of stubborn!
Hi there!
I know how you feel. I am also a PhD candidate in the humanities. Last year I applied for 11 grants, submitted 5 articles, and send numerous emails to academics in my field for suggestions. I had friends and colleagues look over my submission. I took suggestions and advise from successful academic friends.
Every single one was rejected. I was decimated over and over again by each rejection. My colleagues have had some successes and I am super happy for them, but somehow, my work and my project couldn’t find its niche. Everyone agrees its good work, it just doesn’t fit anywhere. I couldn’t see a future that wasn’t grueling. And that wasn’t the right choice for me.
I was so broken down I had to make a change. I have now “stopped the clock” and I am really happy about it. I took a crappy secretarial job to make ends meet and I’ve been applying for jobs in university administration. I LOVE having a job that doesn’t define me. When I finish my stupid spreadsheets, that’s it! My work doesn’t hang over me all the time, the guilt is gone! I know now that I am smart with or without a PhD.
I will likely go back and finish at some point– and I might not! I still read for my project, heck– I even wrote for a while last week! But the world is big! I feel less stupid and way more in control of my life now.
Talk to your friends, reach out to your colleagues. Ask for encouragement. You can have a future in academia if you are willing to fight for it. But give yourself permission to think about all the possibilities and put your sanity first!
Thank you. So much of my life has been defined by book smarts that it feels very risky to consider other options (I also had an unplanned hiatus between undergrad and grad school that had a lot of unrewarding office temping and other work that left me questioning my people skills). It’s increasingly clear that marketing in my field is as much about timeliness as anything. I’m gearing up for my end-of-year committee meeting and trying to formulate sincere questions about my fit for job openings, likelihood of finishing on time, and ways to better emphasize the value of my research. It just hits a lot of skills I’ve internalized as being things I’m “bad at” rather than things that, like the research, I’m supposed to be improving. As if I can learn how to adapt a chapter into an article but somehow am just terrible at interviews…ugh.
I’m glad you found a career path that makes you so happy. I hope your job search for uni admin positions goes well! 🙂
I never thought about quitting, exactly, but this year was hell on my mental health as I, too, applied for many many things and got rejection after rejection until finally getting a post-doc. I would say December-February was my dark night of the soul where I was trying to figure out alt-ac careers or the best kinds of cardboard boxes for former PhD candidates to live in. It sucks. It sucks so so so hard. I have several brilliant, gifted colleagues who have gotten nothing this year and all I know to say is, “Ugh. Boo. It sucks. I do still think you’re amazing.”
If you want to talk hard lessons learned from a year on the market, feel free to holler at me. There are some strategic bits of advice I’ve been kicking down the ladder to friends who are a year or two behind me so they can plan better.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this but I want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling terrible about graduate school. I, too, am a PhD candidate (in the social sciences) at a Big Fancy School and have been going through about 6 weeks of existential and financial crisis realizing what the near and long-term futures seem to promise in academia. I am sure that I need at least a year away from being a PhD candidate doing battle with an unwieldy dissertation and am considering walking away all together. If I’m reading your comments right, it sounds like you’re also having trouble deciding how many of the problems can be chalked up to specific circumstances that are likely to change for you (hopefully soon) and how many are endemic to an academic career in your chosen area. *questioning of life choices fist-bump of solidarity* But I don’t have any answers and would love to hear from any other Toasties who are in or have gone through similarly soul-testing circumstances while in graduate school.
That really sucks, and I am sorry that you’re hurting. What you are feeling is normal, and valid. Can you take a breather for a couple of days? Or do something that gives you a series of small victories (even little ones, like learning a new skill, or finishing a chapter of your dissertation)?
I hope you get some encouragement soon!
I had my annual performance review today and KILLED IT, which was an extremely pleasant surprise. So then I went and got a giant Slurpee and a slice of pizza and some garlic knots, and I’ve just consumed the food part of that and I’m sucking down the Slurpee and life is, at present, very, very good. If anyone needs a pep talk, I’m here for them.
It’s my birthday this weekend and it’s supposed to be like 75 and sunny and I’m going to eat a million types of PIE with friends and it’s going to be great. There’s also probs gonna be a hike and a trip to Sephora to get my bday treats.
Otherwise, life is in a big old upheaval (i’m questioning all my choices re: career and picking up and moving west like 9 months ago,leaving a life and friends behind. This shit is HARD, FRIENDS) , but I am turning 30 and THIS WEEKEND IS GONNA BE GREAT
I’m gonna eat pie in your honor! This requires me to find pie, but I am willing to make that sacrifice.
That is True Friendship, my dude! I appreciate it & wish we were on the same coast
How does one name a thesis?
I have zero creative juices flowing.
It’s about female mystics and witches. Basically I’m saying that the manner in which the Church constructed the identity of the witch during the witch hunts was by demonizing elements of female mysticism and exaggerating the fears that they already held about female mystics. Basically the Church got mad that women were into the idea that they could control their own spirituality, so they threw a tantrum and murdered thousands of women.
I have no idea what to call this thing. Any ideas or tips for coming up with titles?
Ladies be too witches for churches?
Sorry, I don’t actually have constructive advice for you, but it sounds like your thesis will be really interesting and also depressing.
Love it!
It is obviously depressing, but it hasn’t really made me sad. It’s just filled me with righteous anger- which is really good motivation when writing a thesis. I actually also feel like I’m doing as much as I can at this point to do anything about it. Like, I’m talking about it now and trying to make sure that people keep talking and thinking about it. Until time travel gets here, that’s all I can really do.
I mean my other idea was: All my ladies who independent, church is gonna burn ya
Wait, someone explain the “too witches” thing? I feel like I missed something…
I think it’s from one of the “things in western art history” posts, but I don’t remember which one.
Ahh, I figured as much. Thanks!
Wait, here, I found it.
Too Witches
Fearing, Scapegoating, and Killing Women
I like putting words in trios! Are there, like, three words that were used to describe witches and/or mystics that you can put in a title like “Adjective, Adjective, Adjective: descriptive subtitle explaining your topic”?
It Me: Witch Hunts and Church Demonization of Female Mysticism, (year1-year2)
I feel like the basic strategy is “Something catchy and clever and kinda modern”: actually descriptive. I mean the cheap shot is something like “Toil and Trouble: The Catholic Church, Mystics, and Female Agency in 1590” or whatever.
Alternately “Burn Them: The Catholic Church, Female Mystics, and the Witch Trials of 1590”
I’m also going to NYC this weekend and if there are any local NYC Toasties who would like to suggest things to do/eat/drink, please do!
And I agree, April has been a very grueling month work-wise and I’m going on vacation in the middle of all of it. SORRY COWORKERS I’M OUTTA HERE BYEEEEE.
It’s going to be gorgeous, so take in a park! Brooklyn Bridge park is lovely, or the Highline, or Ft. Tryon (the Cloisters!) you know, Central Park or Prospect.
Boston-area Toasties: any therapist recommendations in the Kendall Sq area? Preferably female, preferably taking BCBS Blue. Nothing serious, just needing a neutral, safe place to talk through mild family and relocation-related anxieties and depression.
I have a rec for someone in Harvard, if that’s an OK location?
Sure, though that is a more difficult location, requiring a 2-stop train ride. I am *hoping* for someone in the walk-to region.
But sightly less close with a recommendation beats “random non-close person from insurance company search feature.”
You can send me an email if you want, and we can talk a bit about it! my address is sonambulance [at] gmail.
Non profit development question!
I currently work in development at a private school and the job is easy and comfortable but I just don’t feel passionately about private education. Can anyone recommend another type of non-profit/charity with decent pay and benefits for development staff? I know it’s kind of a ridiculous question, but I’ve gotten so spoiled here and I just don’t know if I’ll be able to leave for a super stressful low-paying job. It seems nearly impossible to compare pay and benefits across sectors, since everything is so specific to the organization. Any thoughts/advice would be welcome! (Including a swift kick in the ass for being money-minded rather than cause-minded. I’m a jerk)
You’re not a jerk! The whole idea that working for a nonprofit should mean you lose all interest in your quality of life should kindly go die in a fire.
I work in development in social justice/community organizing. My job is stressful, but reasonably well paid, which is the case in some but not all of these types of organizations. I think as a general rule of thumb, the bigger and more well established the organization, the better they’re going to pay and the less stressful it will be. Like, if there is only one development person and it will be you, that job is going to be a lot. That’s been the case for me at my last two jobs and I personally love it, but it’s definitely not for everyone. Some types of orgs that come to mind and might interest you: Big charity organizations (cancer research, etc etc), Foundations (they give out the money, so have lots of it! And I think it’s pretty doable to transition from development to the Foundation side), policy organizations/think thanks. I hope that’s helpful!
Thank you!! This is super helpful and I will definitely do some research along those lines.
What about public universities/colleges? They often have development staff in a lot of different areas (alumni office, student services office, scholarship office, who knows what else). You won’t be making the big big bucks but it’s decent and usually has excellent benefits. I have more than 3 weeks of vacation time a year.
ETA: I just googled UVA (not my school, but still a public state school) for the sake of looking – http://giving.virginia.edu/careers/open-positions… LOTS of development jobs.
Thank you! I’m definitely interested in working at a college at some point, but I’m thinking it might be good to do something out of education for a little while. I know college and private school fundraising are different things, and I definitely feel more strongly about college education, but I’m thinking it might be good to see a little more of the nonprofit world for now (although 3 weeks of vacation sounds great!). I’ll definitely keep it in mind!
Agree with paddlepickle above about the large well-established organizations, so public higher ed may be for you (I work in private higher ed right now).
Also I don’t think it’s wrong of you to be money-minded. When thinking of a job you want, it is absolutely not greedy to want decent pay. Even in non-profits.
Also this is complete second hand info but I hear that hospital fundraising is not fun.
Thank you! I’ve heard similar things about hospitals, so I guess it would be wise to stay away from them. Who knows!
Toasties, I will be traveling to JAPAN next week, to see my sister! I haven’t seen her in person for ~2 years, and I miss her terribly. I am ridiculously excited for this, basically, and now my brain can get all hyped up because I finished a big planning-project. We’re going to be in the southern part of the country (in and around Nagasaki): any recommendations for must-see things to see/do? For context, little sis and I are both the type of people for whom “museuming” is a verb, and a valid life choice.
Samurai castles: can you get to Himeji and Osaka?
Ooh-thanks! I will check Himeji. I think we’re skipping Osaka, but we have 2 days in Kyoto 🙂
Anyone else have to psych themselves up to play certain parts of video games? I’ve been putting off playing Dragon Age Inquisition all week, because I know I’m going to need some time to sit down with a certain game event. What games give you the feels?
I had to psych myself up to play parts of Life is Strange after getting minor spoilers on the internet, and then I was on edge the entire time I played through the rest of it because I was so worried about all of the characters.
Despite having played all of Inquisition within the past year I have no idea what certain game event you’re talking about because I… totally forgot the entire plot. All I remember is running around giant maps and getting lost? Did I just completely forget the entire plot because I got lost so many times? So, anyway, I’m curious what event you’re talking about.
I’m about to play closing the rift/ attack on Haven. I know it’s not the most emotional moment in the story (Dorian’s confrontation with his father, Solas dumping you by a beautiful wyvern infested pool GDI), but I get REALLY INTENSE about saving all the villagers, and severe second-hand embarrassment when everyone starts singing.
Oh Maker, saving all the villagers. It’s so stressful. I just started the attack on Adamant/resulting shitshow earlier this week. I’d been putting that off and doing side quests for at least 2 weeks.
I knew the game Spec Ops: The Line would be emotionally draining going into it – that’s why I got it. It’s cleverly disguised as a generic modern military shooter a la COD, but it’s actually a retelling of Apocalypse Now and really a deconstruction/critique of the entire MMS genre.
I completed that game, but I didn’t win that game. It is impossible to win that game. That was the point.
I haven’t played it again since, but I think I’ve finally recovered enough (it’s only been what three years) to give it another go.
Yup, this is me. I bought the Trespasser DLC as soon as it came out, but had too many Solas feelings to bring myself to play it until a couple months later. Even now, when I think I might want finish off my other playthroughs with a non-Lavellan Inquisitor, I just think about the ending and get too sad.
For non-DAI games that gave me all the feels, I definitely had to set some time aside for the last episode of Life is Strange. The second to last episode had taken me by surprise with how emotional it made me so I definitely had to plan for a time where I could handle crying over fictional characters when I got to the last episode. I also bawled through significant portions of Mass Effect 3, but that was less of a “I need to psych myself up for this” situation and more of a “I have been totally blindsided by the death of a beloved character” situation.
I always put off getting to the sad part of Final Fantasy 7. I was kind of avoiding finishing Final Fantasy X this week because of the fates of certain characters, but it didn’t give me serious feels in the same way as FF7.
Pretty late to the thread, but may as well throw this out there. Does anyone have suggestions for when you’re living on your own and you just have unpleasant feelings that you need to get off your chest?
I’ve been living on my own for about three months after living with family and college roommates and I don’t really know what to do. I’ve lost contact with most of my old friends since moving to another state and I’m early enough in my new friendships that I’m only seeing people occasionally and don’t feel comfortable reaching out to them yet. I’ve always been able to talk to my mom, but since I moved to my own place she isn’t really available for the day to day stuff. Basically, since I stopped seeing people regularly I haven’t really had an outlet for bad days and minor long running frustrations and I’m a little worried that it’s all starting to build up as I internalize it. Advice?
My best friend and I have a weekly phone date (It’s scheduled in my calendar and everything) and I think that helps a lot. I get all that petty stuff of my chest, I giggle with her a bunch, and we say “i love you” before we hang up, which is a nice thing to hear from your best friend. 10/10 would recommend.
Do you have a lil’ furry bastard of some kind? I talk to my cat quite a lot. I also talk to myself, especially if I am psyching myself up for a conversation that I need to have with another human. I’ll pretend I am being interviewed before (about my motivations for having the conversation), after (for an evaluation of the conversation), and then practice the actual talking to other people part.
As a fellow solitary spinster who has recently moved, I know there are both pros and cons to living alone. You can completely make your own schedule, menu, and surroundings, and unconsciously occupy space. On the other hand, loneliness, and the ability to fall into unhealthy patterns with no one taking notice.
I second the other response, definitely make a concerted effort to stay in touch with your family and former roommates. The relationship will be a bit different now, more: “I’ve saved up some things over the course of the week to tell you! And, occasionally, I am irrationally upset that you don’t magically understand my whole lived existence!”, less stream-of-consciousness in-person bonding.
Late to this, and the recs above are excellent. Just wanted to add that I find journaling is helpful when I need to drain off extra feels (so to speak.) Just having to go to the trouble of articulating my feelings and seeing them on paper can make me feel better. And if you live alone, less chance of someone else reading it!
Thank you everyone who gave me so much support for my coloring book! I have 5 pages done right now and so so many ideas. I’m going to finish this and probably self-publish it on Amazon. The only thing stopping me from producing even faster (SO MANY IDEAS) is I somehow hurt my wrist a few weeks ago, from some combination of carrying a 5-year-old in an inconvenient way and painting for 4 hours without resting my hand at all and not realizing that I maybe should take breaks. :/ But I am very excited!
WHAT? WANT!
I did not catch the earlier discussion, obvs. But I just got into coloring books and YES YES YES. OMG TELL US WHEN IT’S READY, WE WANTS IT PRECIOUSSS.
But, uh, no pressure, of course.
😀 Thank you! I did 5 pages this weekend and my wrist is killing me. Basically it’s all hand-drawn by me in ink, and I got a lot of ideas from fellow Toasties for things they would like to color. It’s a book of things that I would like to color- spaces I want to inhabit (where I get to design furniture and art and stuff), pretty teacups I would love to sip from, dresses and jewelry I’d want to wear, etc. It’s massively indulgent and quite intricate and I don’t know exactly how I’m going to go about selling it, but will keep y’all apprised.
Here’s a link to potato-quality images of my pages so far: https://www.behance.net/gallery/35871761/Coloring…
Can we talk about Internet dating, specifically response rates? I just want to double check I’m not a hideous monster/commiserate with people who don’t get many responses. And also has anyone made changes to their profile that noticeably upped their response rate? I kind of think two of my big factors are unchangeable (being liberal I’m a conservative area and being 20 pounds overweight which is the too small for guys who like bigger girls and too big for guys who like smaller girls)
I had a fairly low response rate when I was on OKC but also got a lot of good messages, which seemed confusing and lead me to the conclusion that dudes can’t handle having someone else make the first move. When I mentioned it to my now partner he was like “umm… did you restrict your searches to only people who’ve been online in the last week?” That never even occurred to me.
So perhaps you, like me, were messaging ghost accounts from people who’ve dropped off the market.
I got a big uptick in messages from real humans when I set specific challenges like “I will 100% go on a date with you if you can guess my favorite pinball machine.” Or, “tell me your favorite whiskey so I can judge you.”
I have never once gotten a response when I messaged a dude (assuming that’s who you’re messaging since you say “guys”). Not once! And I’ve messaged probably like… 15? 20? I’ve been on lots of online dates, but only when the guy made the first move. So: it’s not you, you’re not a hideous monster, guys are just weird/stupid.
This was my experience too. I got lots of messages, but zero responses. The only dates I went on were with guys who messaged me first.
Have a face pic and a full body pic. When you say response rates, do you mean you initiated a conversation and got crickets, or that no one has initiated with you? Cause my experience was a small amount of messages*, but almost every guy I sent a message to responded, even if it was just to say hi. And I am very fat, and did not hide that in my profile.
*I only counted actual notes with content, not winks or pokes or gross stuff
That’s interesting. I think I was really unclear. I meant men didn’t really initiate and I keep hearing about how normally girls are so overwhelmed with the amount of messages men send. It started to make me feel really terrible about myself.
Really, don’t feel terrible about yourself! I’m going to guess that the problem has a lot more to do with your beliefs (which are correct, just unpopular among your peers) than your appearance. In your area, being liberal makes you a niche product. Given that many of the OKC values questions come back to politics, there are very few people that you’re going to have a high match score with, especially if it’s a smaller area. My experience is a lot of messages, but that has a lot to do with being in a giant metropolis and having the same politics and interests of everyone around me. Put me in Texas or even Florida, and I guarantee it would be crickets.
I don’t know if this helps, but internet dating really fucks with everyone’s head. It’s basically impossible to feel like it’s not a reflection on your worth. But it’s really not. It’s just a bunch of dumb randos, the same assholes you see in line at the bank whose opinion shouldn’t count for anything.
Nope! I’m the type of person who is likely deemed attractive in my area but I wrote a profile that was very much in my voice and I think that it served as a pretty effective filter. Occasionally I’d get messages from dudes who only looked at pictures but I think that the randos who even skimmed my profile generally took a hard left turn and left me alone.
So if you want more responses, maybe consider a softer profile? Or you can decide that this is a good thing and figure that having them opt out is a good thing in the end.
Y’all, I work at a financial institution, and this morning had to deal with a customer that was making me feel threatened. It was the only time in my almost two years of working there that I’ve been remotely close to calling the police.
And now, my only other female coworker told me that apparently, one of the male coworkers confided in her that he thought the situation would’ve gone better if I had been “nicer” to the person who was making me feel like I was in danger.
What the fuck. I am seething. WHAT THE FUCK.
What the everloving fuck. Workplace violence is a real fucking issue and they shouldn’t be minimizing what happened to you.
Thank you! For whatever it’s worth, that coworker is lateral to me, has absolutely no influence over me or my job whatsoever, and is in general your run-of-the-mill sexist asshole. STILL. He did JACK while this person was harassing me!! Where does he get the gumption!!!!
Depends on your definitions of “better” and “nicer.” Obviously he meant “easier for me to witness” if you had “not stood up for yourself and let the customer menace you.” Fuck that guy, right in the ear.
I mean. WUT.
To be perfectly honest, I think the situation would have gone much better if the customer had been nicer to you.
MAKE ROOM FOR THAT IN YOUR WORLDVIEW, HOMEBOY
Toasts, convince me that law school is a terrible idea, even if the idea of a career that a) still has some connection to the public interest and b) pays better than librarian (and c) has the potential to be much more intellectually challenging) sounds really appealing right now.
I mean, honestly, it is a pretty bad idea. Unless you get into a top 10 school, the job market for law school grads is nothing and nowhere and not expected to improve soon.
Truuuuuuuue. The last thing I need is another year and a half of underemployed job searching, now with bonus debt. *sigh*
(I’m 99% sure this is just me randomly flailing around looking for SOMETHING that’s wrong with my life because honestly I’m pretty happy right now and I’m not used to that and it’s weirding me out. That and I miss school.)
Yeah, tons of law grads are stuck in menial document review jobs. I hear it’s hell.
Yeah, any law job you get that contributes to the public good is not going to pay you jack. Be a happy librarian!
Going to law school was a great thing for me. I did go to a good one, which helped with employment out of school. I worked for a big ass firm for a few years and paid off my horrendous loans, and now I do public defender/death penalty work. I love it, it pays ok, and it’s pretty flexible. So it worked for me. (I also liked being in law school, but I get that many people don’t.)
I went to a law prom (okay, Barrister’s Ball) with one of my partners, a law student. When I said that I wasn’t involved in law at all, every single person told me how lucky I was and how miserable they were. I couldn’t ask about their hobbies, because law school ate all of their time, and so they had no hobbies. I couldn’t ask about future plans, because a good third of them didn’t know what they were doing after graduation, which was two months away. I couldn’t ask about classes, because they hated most of them. My partner is going to graduate with $250k+ in student loans. 0/10, would not recommend law school.
[Caveat: There are good reasons to go to be a lawyer, and I know many relatively happy lawyers. But you wanted to be convinced not to go.]
I went to law school in my late 20s and it was a great decision. I love my job for all the reasons you mention. BUT I got my first law degree outside the US so did not take on much debt and then got a grad degree from a very good school (also without debt) which has given me a lot of choices and freedom in my career. I would think very carefully before going to a lower ranked school.
Some law schools offer free tuition to their employees, librarians included. Also, law librarianship generally pays more and depending on where you work there are opportunities to serve the public interest.
I am in the law librarianship field and it pays well and is interesting, as well as making me feel like I am hopefully doing something useful.
I don’t have time to read because I really need to get ready for my game (third game! lost 12-0 last week, 12-2 last night, so we’re getting better!!)
I have to deal with interfering bitch mom and NOW. She’s totally escalating and you do NOT come down on the field before I have time for a post-game huddle to announce how they *should* have run their defense..(this is on top of being very high-demand and chewing me out for 30 minutes after the game last week at 10 pm, and chewing me out via text, and saying nasty things about me behind my back). Diplomacy is standing by but I need to take some deep breaths before I send out the “please allow the team to be a team and don’t come down on the field until the kids are dismissed, and remember the 24 hour rule about criticism, and don’t criticize the coaches in front of the kids, especially in front of your own kid! Sigh. This is where being the only coach who understands how to talk to other parents is tough, because I can’t really translate this well.
My dad had a second heart stent/balloon procedure, they couldnt’ place the stent, his heart enzymes went pretty high, but he says they are going down and they will let him come home tomorrow.
My little (I know, she’s 12) is doing her first solo and ensemble contest tomorrow. I might not be there (lacrosse). I always cry when they do their solos, I’m such a softie. I’m so proud,
High school kid has been fallingdown dizzy all day. I am trying not to panic because I had to pick him up at school because he was lying on the floor in his classroom due to dizziness. I am hoping it is just a weird migraine and he’ll feel better after a nap. That’s possible, right?
I started crying at my therapist because she really gets me and really she’s the first one since the shelter counselor who has actually been helpful. And they let her go, budget reasons, so I have to start all over AGAIN. But I also told her that I just couldn’t call CPS and she filed a report right then and there and helped me word it and I didn’t have to talk to anybody. So we’ll see what happens on the idiot sperm donor front. (The foot is doing ok, I am relieved about that).
School is tough but exciting, running up to huge pressure due to it being the end of the semester.
Now I have to go write that diplomatic email, memorize a few motivational quotes for the team, and build my lineup for the game in 2 hours. yikes!
Sending supportive thoughts your way. I hope you find another therapist as awesome– you deserve supportive local people in your corner!
update: they rocked!!!! This was the first time they went up against a travel team, and they only lost 10-0. But they worked so hard. And we had a good, strict ref, so they had to learn how to work hard and not get fouls. There was a tense moment when my one girl fainted on the field–this is the second time she’s fainted, first time in a game, its med related and she and I talked about what to do (the other team members too). She went down on one knee and I tried to call the ref and started running toward her and she just went down. Even knowing she’ll be ok it makes me want to cry when any of my team kids get hurt/have health issues.
My 12 year old kicked butt, too. At the team lineups before the game they saw her long hair and gave her dirty looks.
She had a wonderful poem to enter in the school contest, and apparently she decided it wasn’t good enough and today didn’t enter. I took the team to dairy queen and she wouldn’t order anything, and she just slumped on the bus and slumped into her room and said, “I just don’t know. I’m just so sad and I don’t know why”. I am worried, she’s not usually like this. She was upset when she came home from school and just laid on the couch, and upset at the game. I don’t know what’s up.
Just being 12 was a trial, if I recall correctly. Adolescence sucks.
Funny you mention prenatal yoga, as I got really excited about this, made an appointment, then bailed on it because I have yet another cold and just couldn’t handle it. I’m at 25 weeks and have been really good about exercising throughout but lately am not into it AT ALL. Part of it has to do with the fact that my gym is mostly big muscular dudes and I get a little self-conscious about my belly and general waddling.
Friends, My co-worker just accidentally used a slur while trying to give me a compliment, which led to me crying, which led to him apologizing, which led to me saying it’s ok (which it isn’t, but I don’t think he meant it and I don’t think it’ll happen again) and then leaving the room… it’s been a high stress week over here and I knew I was gonna end up crying at my desk at some point but this was unexpected. Not sure what to do when we interact in the future. any ideas? sorry to make you relive any similar experiences but if you have advice I’d appreciate it. my prediction is that I can forgive, but it’s pretty unlikely that I’ll forget.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to forget either, even if I forgave to smooth over the working relationship. All the hugs to you while you’re thinking this out.
That’s wretched. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that.
not much to say other than i’m on week 3 of whole30 and pretty happy with it. my main strategy has been to make big batches of things that i can alternate for any quick meal, and always have greens around so i can throw a salad together. i’m finally getting into this spiralizer i got from a friend, so i’ve made some sauces and we’ll see how this veggie noodle thing goes.
i’d say maybe the worst part of it has been looking through food blogs and finding recipes in food-blog-recipe-post-format, which is to tell a personal story having nothing to do with food, and then tack on a recipe. does this actually work to gain followers or did someone of note simply say it works at a blogging conference? for whatever reason, this week, i found a handful of paleo bloggers who are very upfront about being into jesus, which is a strange combo, since i don’t think the paleolithic era exists in the bible. does it? i admit, i didn’t read it.
tangentially related to diet: it was suggested that i take statin drugs because my cholesterol keeps going up, despite having a pretty healthy diet & lifestyle. i had the rare reaction of muscle pain and told my doctor and was given a 2nd drug to try. i decided to look up possible side effects and fell down a rabbit hole of what statin drugs do and why i might want to avoid them, and it’s left me feeling really weird. like, definitely uncomfortable about taking them and unsure about where to draw the line.
has anyone else experienced this, the feeling that you have been given evidence you probably should be on a drug but have pretty strong feelings about maybe not being on it? my original idea was to try for 2 weeks and see if i get the same muscle pain, which would definitely justify not pursuing them further. but partly i also feel like i’m going to sit on this bottle, not take them for a week, think it over, and maybe ultimately decide not to take them at all. i don’t know!
I was put on a statin and didn’t get muscle pain, per se, but got so goddamn weary I could hardly stand up. I started to realize that I was going out of my way to not walk. I could barely drag myself to dance classes (I am, in retrospect, amazed that I did keep going, and that is simply a testament to how much those classes mean to me emotionally, because physically they were a nightmare). So I told my doctor that if my choices are to take statins and be a vegetable or to be an active person with high-ish cholesterol, I’m going for the latter. And I have since had to make that statement to several other doctors. And I am going to continue making it. Don’t feel that you have to be a “good patient” at the cost of a drug’s side effects ruining your life. If it were a case of “you must take this drug or you are going to die very soon,” then you can balance out life versus quality of life, but this case seems pretty clear that the cost-benefit analysis comes down on “don’t take something that causes pain.”
thanks for saying all this! i should probably specify, it’s not just the pain–i read up on it and the pain is linked to a degenerative muscle problem that can result in loss of functionality and ultimately kidney disease. so considering that, i feel like it’s not the daily setback but the danger of creating a new problem while trying to solve this one. which is still relevant to the cost-benefit, with the cost potentially outweighing the benefit in this case.
i think i’m going to research all the things i can do to lower LDL and raise HDL and see how my doctor meets me at this challenge. i’d be ok with a high-ish number if i knew i’ve got high HDL and keep my triglycerides low [which they already are].
I am very reluctant to give medical advice (I’m a doctor of folklore, for crying out loud!)–but one thing we tried after the actual statin didn’t work was red rice yeast. I had the beginnings of an allergic reaction to it, so I didn’t pursue it, but you might ask your doctor about it as an alternative.
oh don’t worry, my mother-in-law already suggested that one, and i took it for awhile, but not with any regularity and have no evidence of what it did. i suppose i could try it again, along with all my other experiments.
i just talked to my dad, who was on statins for awhile and then decided to dump them in much the same attitude as mine, and his numbers are fine. turns out he’s better off blood-wise as a vegan than omnivore. but he didn’t have muscle pain, so in the course of this conversation, we decided that i should take a stronger stance against anything that puts me in the way of muscle degeneration or kidney disease. ugh!
This has been a WEEK for me. I was already planning to get married and move (into a house! that my fiancee and I will own!) within a month of each other, which was an overwhelming combo on its own. Now I am changing jobs in my department within that same month! It’s not a promotion on paper, but it’s a lot more responsibility. My brain is melting. (So much so that I think a good percentage of my thoughts the past few days have been to that effect… mybrainismeltingmybrainismelting etc.)
I just need to put all this on a lovely place on the internet because I still can’t tell many people about the job thing, and I would love any anecdata reassuring me that a trifecta of major life events can turn out just fine. The biggest thing keeping me going right now is that the wedding (and consequently the honeymoon) is the last change of the three. aaaah. Happy Friday!
Last summer, my partner and I bought a condo, moved several states over, I took my PhD qualifying exams the week after the move and promptly left for 6 weeks in another country to start research. Totally get the brain melting. It sucked and I cried. BUT I am fine! All the things went really well, and partner and I learned a lot about supporting one another.
Enjoy your wedding and honeymoon!
Thank you so much! You sound like an absolute champion. I know I’ll enjoy the hell out of my wedding and honeymoon, and will do my best to enjoy moving and job switching too. 🙂
Since I’m so late to this thread and I know it will be tucked away on the third page, I’m just gonna throw this out there:
I started taking magnesium because I heard it really helps with nighttime bruxism (teeth clenching and grinding) except I took it in the morning and OH GUESS WHAT? Magnesium is a really effective laxative. I have made too many bowel movements for one person in one day. I wish to go home now.
On the bright side, I got my Toast Post matches. I promise that I will not talk about my BMs in my letters, dear matches.
Does it help with your bruxism? I am trying to figure out how to lessen my intense bruxism after wearing through two nightguards.
I have yet to find out, I just started yesterday. Apparently one of the sources of bruxism is mineral deficiency, and I’ve read several posts from people saying that taking magnesium really helped. Keep in mind that this is also not based on a doctor’s visit but just my googling because I too am sick to death of wearing through nightguards. I buy the mold-your-own drugstore ones though and found that I wore through one faster when I did a poor job of fitting it, so I guess fit really does matter.
I’m willing to try anything at this point. Bruxism has worn down my teeth and gives me jaw pain and to think that I chew through plastic in my sleep really freaks me out. I will report back with the results of my magnesium citrate experiment!
I have read similar things about vitamin B5, but it is hard to find on its own so I take a multi-B supplement before bed. Not sure if it’s really helping, though.
Oh, nobody told you the side effect? that was mean. I take a lot of magnesium for my fibro and it’s never helped my bruxism. I still have to wear my nightguard all the time.
NGL, I’d probably laugh if one of my Toast Post matches talked about their BMs in their letter.
Ack so late to OT and I need y’all’s help!
I’m planning on getting married at the courthouse in NYC in about a month and have some questions about finding something to wear for me, a 5’2”, ~120 lbs, mid-30s half-Asian woman with a solid/athletic build that looks chubby in photos.
[long paragraph about body, face, and gender issues redacted]
I was thinking about setting up an appointment with a stylist at the Rent the Runway store in NYC. The dresses I have seen on the website seem pretty run of the mill and like something I can deal with for a day (like, the Diane von Furstenberg Zarita dress — or are their dresses too basic and run of the mill to be worth it?), and I hope that the stylist will know how to deal with my short-waistedness and thick middle. I feel like if things don’t work out there I can always wear my normal day-to-day clothes. My partner has stated that he just wants me to be comfortable and would be perfectly fine if we didn’t dress up, but he always looks sharp and I think he would like it if we did. What do you wise people think? Is there something I’m not thinking of? Have you had good/bad experiences with rent the runway? The most common complaint I saw on the website was unexpected unavailability of the chosen dress – I hope that going to the physical location will ameliorate this issue.
I’ve had some disappointing online and in-person shopping experiences and I just want to get this done with as few hassles as possible. Hlep!
I’ve used the dress rental service in my city twice now and had great experiences with them, so yes, I think it’s a great option! I found it so much less stressful than shopping because you just show up, tell them a bit about what you want to look like, and they’ll pull a selection of dresses for you to try on, most of which will look fabulous.
I’ve gotten dresses from Rent the Runway twice, and I’ve loved it!
I have no experience with rent-the-runway type things. But I will say it is probably worth it to be up front with the stylist. They will probably start with, “What are you interested in?” And you can tell them the experience (both shopping and wedding) you’re looking for more than clothing. Let them know what stresses you out about shopping and how glad you are to have a stylist to guide you through. Let them know what you love about your body and what you don’t like/fixate on in pictures you see of yourself.
And stylist worth your time will take this all into account. Don’t worry, the more they know about you the better they will be at finding the right outfit for you. Relax and remember that the stylist works for you, so if you don’t like something you aren’t offending them by saying so–you are helping them make a sale.
Congrats on the wedding and marriage! It sounds like your partner is a snazzy and great guy!
I’d absolutely recommend using Rent the Runway if you can go to the physical store. I went to the one in Georgetown, and the stylist was incredibly helpful. She recommended a dress I hadn’t looked twice at online, and it was absolutely stunning.
I’m almost your exact same size and shape *fist bump* so I feel those body issues. I had a good experience with Rent the Runway online shopping for a fancy Christmas party, and I think they’ll be able to help you out in-store for sure. And I don’t think their stuff is too run-of-the-mill at all!
Ugh, so late.
Atlanta Toasties!
Meetup next week at Sister Louisa’s Church of the Living Room and Ping Pong Emporium
Saturday April 23rd.
Also noted on Atlanta Toasties FB group.
I have missed the OT for the last severalmany weeks. Sigh. I took on a volunteer project that, because I am unemployed, I have treated like a full-time job and have been exceedingly productive, until I got knocked sideways by a sinus infection/bronchitis situation and everything got derailed for a week. I’m back on track, and will still make my deadline, but I used to get super flustered and anxious and into a massive brain fog where I literally cannot think straight when things don’t go to plan and I’m really pleased that I didn’t spiral into an anxiety puddle as I used to do.
It’s my first project of this nature in lo, many a year, and my first since my ADHD diagnosis and meds, and the experience is so different, stress-wise. Any Toasties currently suspicious that they actually live over here in neuro-atypical land, I hope you’re able to navigate the needlessly confusing and expensive psychiatric borders and make it over, because life is better and easier. Also, we have cake.
(I’m costume designing a community theater production of a children’s play, and even though I’m a one-person crew and the cast is 21 people, I’ve been managing just fine. My first show was over ten years ago, a 30-ish person cast high school production of a giant musical with a terribly uncommunicative director and no help with construction and I literally did not sleep for three weeks before it opened. I had a mentor when I first stumbled into theater production stuff when I was 20, but I’m pretty much all self-taught when it comes to the design aspect, since I dropped out of my theatre design program, as I dropped out of ALL of my college programs, because I did not have a handle on what the heck was going on with my brain, so I’ve been sort of faking my way through this latest venture. It seems to be working; I’ve got them all convinced I know what I’m doing!)
Also, I planted raspberry canes in my yard. And then my bulldozer of a borgi-dog decided they were the perfect place to try to start a wrestling match with the other dog, but I think they all survived okay. I want to have a lovely, witchy herb and vegetable and fruit garden, sort of wild and open, but still pretty to look at, but so far I can’t bring myself to put stuff where the most direct light is, because it’s currently lawn and I have super rocky soil and the work is going to be immense, and I’m paranoid that the neighbors will hate us because it’s going to be pretty ugly for a while. Plus, given my dogs’ wild abandon when it comes to crashing through the yard, I’m probably going to have to fence everything in if I want it to survive.
I have all sorts of scraps for compost filling up the freezer because I can’t even figure out where to build a compost bin. Making decisions is not my strong suit, and MrKat is very much just along for the ride on any and all things related to gardening and landscape, so he is literally no help in this department. And this town (and area) we live in in NJ is very environmentally unfriendly and hugely congested, so I haven’t found anything like municipal composting, and there aren’t a bunch of horse farms to get manure. Going to have to buy everything to build soil from like, Home Depot. I sort of miss the tiny village in dairy farm country where I grew up! I’m blathering. Just happy to be here before 6 PM!
Friends! I just sent in my form to volunteer at a cat shelter!!!!
Volunteering at a dog shelter has been the single greatest mental health decision I have made since starting grad school, maybe made ever. I hope the cats bring you so much joy.
Hi guys. My maternal grandma (my last remaining grandparent, gosh darnit!) died yesterday evening. She died in her sleep, totally peaceful and free of pain and anxiety, which, if you have to die (which you do) seems like a good way to do it. Still, I hurt for my mom, and I hurt for the woman my grandma was, who we lost to Parkinson’s and dementia years before she died, and whose spirit was stolen by depression for years before that.
My siblings and I are all pretty far-flung from our Louisiana hometown, where my grandma spent her last years – I’m in NYC, I have brothers in Nashville and East Texas, one of my sisters is backpacking through Europe – so we’re not having a memorial service until we can all gather in the same place. My grandma wanted to be cremated, so we’ll scatter her ashes in the mountains in early May.
Between now and then, I have a seven-day work thing to get through. I’ve decided to participate in the work thing as planned, and not to tell my boss or coworkers about what’s happened. Maybe this is a terrible idea, but I have a hard time with emotional scrutiny. I don’t want to spend this work thing and the subsequent weeks leading up to the memorial service on the receiving end of lots of kindness and sympathy and concern – as good and well-intentioned as these things are! I have a wonderful circle of close friends outside of work who can support me as I grieve. I just feel like sympathy and care from coworkers necessitates all kinds of emotional calibration from me – striking the right tone, making the right response. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I know I have to tell them eventually, but I’d rather tell them much closer to the date that I leave for the memorial.
Anyway, everything sucks and I want to get in bed and not get out for a week instead of going to this work thing, and I am definitely making plans to spend quality time with oreos and netflix, so if you have any funny youtube videos or really in-depth science podcasts, please share them with me.
Ugh, I am so sorry. *internet hugs* Am at work so can’t link to videos, but Eddie Izzard is my go-to when I need a funny video.
I’m so sorry, BobbieWickham.
I would like to offer some LED art with sheep and sheepdogs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw&f…
Do you like A Bit of Fry and Laurie? Three sketches I adore– one about linguistics (riffing on Saussure and Chomsky, among others), another about being lovely, and another about mystery. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij1pZvv9m0g https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH7y_J51IRs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__DrJI7mTHQ
Some updates on my ongoing job saga, for those who have been following and giving me such mental boosts. 🙂 In comments, for length, probably.
So, meeting with my dad who is the managing partner on Wednesday, and I am. . .uncertain of the results.
Plus side:
–he’s creating a new position and that person will be given most of the “info gathering” parts of my job, so for website content I only have to edit/write. (I tried pointing out a few times that I’ve developed a standard enough template that I don’t think you need “a writer” to actually put it together, but that fell on deaf ears.
–he agreed with me that there need to be some actual coherent, articulate decisions made about the what, how, and why people want from “marketing”
–he agreed to “un-cancel” the website move, since a considerable amount of time and energy involves dealing with our terrible providers.
–he seemed to vaguely agree with some level of my moving to part time work, although I have a feeling our ideas about that might be pretty different
Minus side:
–He immediately proposed a plan for my adding more classes while still in the tapering off process, which again will give me no time to write, deal with medical stuff, or breathe. And he is very insistent on me being able to give an answer based on 5 adjunct positions every semester, while I’m also looking at online jobs, some curriculum writing, possibly some classes at non-school institutions and I already am struggling to feel like I can lay the rules to protect myself and my time and my health
–he gave me a long lecture about how creative writing positions don’t care “so much” about the PhD but do care about publications, which I’ve literally told them about 20 times
–I’m apparently in total charge of interviewing and choosing the new website people, which includes, not necessarily as one company, the design, the SEO/analytics, which our current site is supposed to be providing but isn’t, and the actual hosting–but I haven’t been given even an approximate budget or any tech input, since my old boss is clearly washing her hands of this.
–incidentally, my new title is apparently going to be “Marketing Assistant” even though there is literally no one else in marketing. He is incredibly resistant to actually starting a marketing department (even one other person) because he wanted to train me to be Director of Marketing.
–my old boss HATES the person he’s moving into the new position that will cover some of my info-gathering work, and will probably throw a fit if she is ever allowed to make changes/edits on the website, and I really want that to be someone else’s job so I don’t feel so obligated to stay.
–he’s being very cagey about the money situation, but the shortest version seems to be he’s arranged the money in ways that I can’t touch it until he dies. He grudgingly suggested putting some of the automatic deposit he puts in one of the accounts into my account every month, which I guess is okay and I know I am very privileged, but it makes me feel a lot more beholden and accountable to him on my work plans/progress than I would if I were dealing in money that was already mine, even if that’s a minute distinction.
–moving the website probably means in the immediate future I’ll be working even more than I am now, when I really feel physically and mentally like crap all the time, and not be able to go down to even four days a week until late summer.
–he seems to think I should plan on indefinitely working at least 10-15 hours a week at Wolfram and Hart (see below), regardless of what else or however much else I manage to do, whereas I was hoping for an eventual break, or else to treat it like consultant work on a project by project basis.
General wibbles: now have to navigate ACA to buy health insurance, have to continue to deal with old boss, who my dad loves (and who accosted me the day before to ask if I’d spoken to my dad yet and added a grim “break a leg” and then accosted me in the bathroom immediately after demanding all kinds of details I didn’t want to give). On the plus side, possibly this will be an excuse to fire my current pain doctor and switch to someone else anyway?
Yes, this, minus the blacked out name, is the actual foyer of our part of the building.
It is late for this, but!
I wanted to thank the commenters who offered advice and reassurances for my Mexico trip. Boyfriend and I got back last Saturday. We had an amazing time, in retrospect we really had nothing to worry about! Roads were smooth and straight, everything was safe as could be, and we really just had the adventure of a lifetime. Thank you Toasties!
OK so this is a bit late but:
This week I have discovered that someone I used to work with *has just been convicted for attempted murder* and sentenced to eighteen years (which is… a lot. like, a lot, a lot, I’m pretty sure people who actually murder people don’t often get that much!). It was against his ex-partner and pretty much right after the court hearing (which he //followed her from// dear god) in which she got custody of the kids. So, I am a little freaked out by this, not least because – while I worked with him – I was this close to putting in a complaint against him for sexual harassment (I didn’t need to hear /every thought/ coming out of his brain on any woman walking by!), and now I’m glad I didn’t because god knows what he would have done, and then feeling slightly guilty for feeling that way because I probably should have reported him.
oh, wow, that’s rough. Did you know his wife? I can see how having a murderous co-worker can really unsettle a person.
Will she be ok now?
I met her a couple of times, but I don’t know her at all well (or, you know, I would have heard about it when it all happened). I don’t know how OK she’s going to be, but it sounds like she has a really supportive family close by, which can only help (and like she had the courage to GTFO in the first place, which must not have been easy)
Hi Toasts! In the past three weeks I have had a yeast infection, then a bladder infection, and now another yeast infection from the antibiotics for the bladder infection. WHYYYYYY…. my poor vahina.
Super late question, so I hope someone sees it. What do you do if you are doing your taxes at the last minute, and discover that, due to faulty withholding, you owe a little over a thousand dollars to the IRS? When you have basically no money at all?
Asking for a friend. I have no idea what to tell her. It is my understanding that extensions are just for filing, and that you need to pay what you owe by 4/16. Anyone?
Payment plans! She can pay in installments, and she can apply online. Here’s the IRS page.
Thanks
I have no experience with this, but the IRS does offer payment plans:
https://www.irs.gov/Individuals/Online-Payment-Ag…
I don’t know what the terms are, but it’s worth looking into.
Also, this year (federal, not 100% sure on state) taxes are due on the 18th due to a Washington DC holiday. So your friend probably has until then to contact the IRS about it, if the online stuff doesn’t work for her.
Thanks
Thank you! Have the info we need.
I’ve been having a terrible, no-good, very bad week, but my boyfriend just called and said he left Wegmans lobster mac and cheese and a Cosmopolitan magazine at my house. Toastfriends, I love this man so. He shall be spared when our librarian revolution comes. <3 <3 <3
What a great critique of “Nicholas and Alexandra,” @nicole_cliffe! I read “The Romanovs: The Final Chapter” by Massie for a class on Rasputin, and I think he is far less sentimental about the Tsar and Tsarina in it, which makes sense after almost thirty years to do more research on the subject. But honestly, everything about the Romanovs is tragic–I don’t know if *anyone* would have succeeded in that position at that time, but Nicholas and Alexandra were doomed from the beginning.
ps (Apparently, Rasputin actually prevented a number of pogroms from occurring–his Jewish secretary, Aron Simanovitch, asked Rasputin to act as an intercessor with the Tsar during antisemitic flare-ups.)
TOASTS WITH THE MOSTS!
My abstract was approved to present at the West Coast Symposium of AGLSP (Association of Graduate Liberal Studies Programs) this June in Vancouver!!!!!!!!
This will be my first academic conference, and my first presentation, and I am all butterflies and FUCK YEAH and Oh God I have nothing to wear and it’s WONDERFUL.
Any advice? (besides practicing practicing my presentation) Are any other Toasties going to be there?
ps (Is this what success feels like? Because so many things have just gone…right for me in grad school, compared to ten years of things going wrong just after I got my BA, and I just don’t know what to do with success?)
THAT IS THE BEST! Congrats!
Wear clothes you feel confident and comfortable in, and be awesome! Conferences can be tricky, but you’ll meet a lot of people in your field, this is exciting! You know that one person in the audience who will ask the meanest, or most stupid question ever, or ‘splain your presentation to yo? They will probably be there. Don’t let them make you feel insecure. You are the expert. Answer calmly. “yes. that is an interesting aspect as well.” is a good answer.
I hope you will meet all the smart people, and I hope you will get a lot of intelligent questions!
That is a great response, thank you! 🙂
I had my first two conferences in the last month as well, and it was the best, and I’m kind of still all up in the clouds about it sooooo :))))
Congrats on the presentation! Conferences can be so much fun! It’s great to see what other people are doing and to remind yourself that there’s so much more in your field than the relatively narrow things you do day-to-day. I try to pick at least one talk to go to that has a topic way outside what I do on a daily basis but still seems interesting.
Write yourself a script but then practice so much that it feels like you’re just having a conversation with someone about your work. Don’t be afraid to let your enthusiasm show; you did this work because you thought it would be cool and interesting and the conference people obviously agree, so be excited to tell others about it! If looking at the crowd is intimidating, look at the back of the room, over people’s heads. Pick a few different spots to keep glancing at, which will make it seem like you’re really engaging with the audience.
And yes, there will always be that one jerk who needs to make it clear that he (and it’s almost always a HE) is smarter than everyone else in the room. There will also likely be questions about your work that you haven’t thought of, or that you didn’t have time to address during your project. Don’t be intimidated by these, no one really expects you to have done everything; these are usually from people who are excited about your work and are thinking about ways to push it further along. Saying, “That’s a really great question,” makes the asker feel good and also buys you a little time to compose your answer. And it’s okay to say, “I hadn’t thought of that, but I’ll look into it,” or even, “I don’t know the answer to that.”
You’re going to do great and you’re going to have a ton of fun!
Thank you!!!
Yay! Congratulations!!!
Vancouver in June is gorgeous, so I would recommend bringing some walking shoes.
Absolutely! I used to live just south of Vancouver, in a Washington state border town, and I am looking forward to the Pacific Northwest in all her emerald glory!
TOASTS I am seeing Hamilton tomorrow!!!!!!
Toasts. I have seen Hamilton. I am so tired. I am so happy. I hugged Leslie.
!!!
pretty much, yeah
I got the job at the law firm where no one asked me misogynistic questions! AND am taking a month off in between gigs. Everything is wonderful!
So happy for you!
I wanted him to be aware of the issue, to be supportive, and to know that I will raise hell next time this kind of crap happens. I need him to be generally aware more than to take action. Don't get me wrong, I'd love for grabby guy to disappear into a dark hole (or to poli sci where he came from, for that matter), but that's not going to happen anyway, so I'm going to pick my battles. I could ask my professor to actually do something but I think it may be smarter to leave it at him acknowledging my situation, and to keep drawing his attention to hierarchal structures he tends to ignore in a well-meaning but misguided attempt to keep discussions "neutral". I feel validated enough to be able to call grabby guy out next time (and crush balls where needed), and for now that's enough.
Thanks! I'll have to give that a try!
We have an IT staff of 3FTE (4FTE at the time the yelling happened) for a college campus with about 3000 students, most of whom are residential. They, understandably, would like to see their families.
If there's a problem with the WiFi, one problem is a personal issue, two problems is still one person, 3 is worrying, 4 we send good wishes to the connections, and 5 is fire and they're the only ones who have the power to fix it.
He already does.
And Dude-Worker was sick today so…
Anyone know of good adult books or comics with female main characters and no romance? I tried to google books without romance and got nothing but YA
Is anyone still reading this?