My new favorite dad thing my dad did a few weeks ago also involves my mom, but it was so cute and I have to share. They came to visit me in DC in April and the first night I took them out to dinner. My parents have it in their head now that they are going to be come snowbirds and leave New Hampshire in the winters for Florida, which I’m trying to convince them not to do for several reasons (only half of which is my selfish dislike of Florida and not wanting to go there again). When I suggested that they look at North Carolina my mom responded, “No, we can’t do that. John [my dad], tell her why.” “We can’t move to North Carolina because of the way they’re treating gay people.”
I just loved it so much. I mean, there are a lot of flaws in their argument that Florida would be better and very liberal people like my parents moving to North Carolina would probably be a good thing for the state, but that was just the sweetest thing ever.
dakimel+49
Excuse me while I teleport over to wherever your parents are & give them a hug.
TheasyPeasy+27
Aren’t they so cute? They’re in New Hampshire and although my dad is very affectionate and kind, he’s not much of a hugger. He would, however, happily discuss politics. And not in an enraging way! And then you can play with his very spoiled dog, Crawford.
queenofbithynia+119
that is lovely. my closest dad-like acquaintance is my uncle, who is 87 and when I visited him and my aunt last week, was mad about NC’s bathroom discrimination business and wanted to yell about it. “I’ve seen women in the men’s room plenty of times and none of them ever did me any harm!” he yelled, in the Panera parking lot. He also wanted to quote every mildly amusing thing he had heard from watching Samantha Bee, whom he calls “The Daily Show.”
VioletandIrises+19
Ack, this is too cute!
TheasyPeasy+35
To be fair, Samantha Bee’s show is better than the current Daily Show and she probably should have just taken over.
And your uncle sounds amazing and lovely.
queenofbithynia+83
he had some momentary low-level fame decades ago for refusing to help kick a gay man out of the air force, back when he was a judge advocate what-you-call-it. nowadays he has some minor sexist lapses but is by and large the best old hard-line liberal you could hope to meet. he is mad about being old and gets extra mad when my aunt says things that imply they might be dead or enfeebled in thirty years, he thinks she has a defeatist attitude about it. but he did stop posting shirtless photos on facebook about three years ago. not cause his torso is in decline, just because he is under the impression facebook is passe and he got bored with it.
TheasyPeasy+37
Oh my god he got better. I love that he got bored with facebook because he’s totally right that it is passe (not that that has stopped me from using it).
As for the minor sexist lapses — I mean, I get it. I think the important thing there is that he learns from those lapses (which it sounds like he would) rather than hold onto them. My dad is the more liberal and feminist of my parents and his political views continue to evolve, but he’s still operating from a different generation and perceptions, so I don’t assume he’s going to be on the leading edge of feminism. But he’s always willing to learn and to understand.
decantate+3
I’d sure like to get to your level of forgiveness. I just go white-hot silent rage at those lapses still.
houblonchouffe+67
This edition of Dad Magazine is entirely, 100% my father, thank you
mbculver+12
DITTO. In fact, 24 years ago today, I graduated from college, and my dad wore light blue seersucker pants, dark red suspenders, a white shirt and white oxfords.
(Miss you, Dad. xo)
Girl Named Jack+61
Pretty sure we’re all bozos on this bus.
– this reference brought to you by Firesign Theater, the love of which was instilled in me by my dad
Swales+17
My dad, too, instilled in his children a healthy appreciation for Firesign Theater. To this day, we can’t ask anybody to pass the syrup at family meals without responding “That’s a good idea, but syrup won’t stop them.”
MissPippi+6
Oh man. I grew up listening to Firesign Theater quotes on a daily basis. Your dad and my dad would be great pals I think.
Theo_Winterwood+25
I was at lunch on Mother’s Day at a pizza place and somehow managed to find an excuse to say, “No anchovies? You must have the wrong number; I spell my name Danger!”
I don’t think my father has ever been more proud and the rest of my family more confused.
evieskye+5
I have that record! (Inherited from my dad. Of course)
typewriterandgramophone+5
My mom made that reference just this weekend!
StoatCat+119
Planning the Dream Vacation: Time- and Fuel-Saving Back-Road Routes to the Hottest Destinations
mariahnotmaria+17
Or if your my dad, the chilliest. He always insists on going north for summer vacations to escape the heat. We live in Ohio so there is usually no heat higher than 90 to escape from!
flying_ghoti+107
How Many States Is Too Many to Drive Through to Avoid That One Toll Bridge?*
* the answer is 51.
smiavs+14
I hesitated on up-voting you because your thumbs up count was at 51 when I saw it, but I did it anyway.
cleoreads+26
For my dad, this is also planning the 90 minute drive to my home. We moved in 12 years ago and the route options haven’t really changed, but my dad is always trying different routes and trying to get the rest of us to weigh in on the relative merits of different surface streets.
I am my father’s daughter, so for years I worried about choosing “good driving streets” and the most efficient route – and then I had a life changing revelation. I don’t really care if I’m on the fastest route, as long as it is a pleasant drive.
PaigePoo+10
In my family, the debate is always “Scenic Route or Toll Road?” – Toll road is faster, but costs $$ (“but we have an EZ Pass so it’s less expensive than if we had to use cash. Do you have an EZ Pass? Here, take my EZ Pass. You can return it to me the next time you visit!”). – Scenic route is longer and slower, but Scenic! Also, plenty of antique shops to stop at if we feel like it! But if there’s a race at the Speedway, we might get stuck in Speedway traffic, which will make it extra-longer and extra-slower, and the scenery will be less scenic.
tahoefabulous+9
I am driving to San Diego via 395 instead of I-5 this weekend due to my dad-inspired love of back roads.
logicbutton+36
If you’re my dad, you let them know by getting drunk at a family event and making loud jokes from the crowd in response to the emcee.
logicbutton+25
(This was especially jarring for me as he is normally the type of dad who believes that dads should be seen and not heard.)
decembrian+62
Saplings!
My dad has bought several young fruit trees every year since I was in middle school. He has long hoped to have a mini orchard in the backyard so he and my mom can stop buying their fruit at the grocery store. Since they live in the northeast, without fail, 2 out of 3 saplings die by the fall. But hope springs eternal (pun entirely intended)!
nopemobile+9
There are plenty of successful orchards in the northeast! Ones that I have seen, with my own two eyes. I am sure he will succeed eventually. (Unless he’s planting lemon trees or something, in which case, yikes.)
futeffla+15
My dad has not yet caught on to the majesty of saplings but he is currently obsessed with putting plants in the rockery. He loves that rockery.
Unreadaethel+28
My parents had to trim their apricot tree (quite severely, since it’s dying slowly), and dad’s currently using some of the wood to smoke a pork butt. He’s very excited.
theburnersmydestination+96
“Business That Are Ripping You Off”
If the answer isn’t “all of them” than it’s not a real dad article. Also applies to grandfathers, like my own dearly departed one, who would spend $3 in gas to drive back to the store where they had made a $.03 error.
Hadrosaur+25
My Grandad thinks climate change is a conspiracy invented by shops to charge you for plastic bags.
unleavings+17
My dad once read me the instructions on a shampoo bottle, ranted that nobody needed to use anything like that much shampoo to get their hair clean, and that you could save so much money by scrimping on toiletries. This was my pre-college budget talk.
Melissa+6
My dad gave the same speech, but in regards to laundry powder (‘they’ve been making the scoop bigger to get you to use more’)
dreamingintrees+8
It seems to be a thing that happens pretty much as soon as you become a dad. My partner has only been a dad for nine months and last week he went and fought a 17 cent overcharge
elsajeni+139
This week I went to a museum exhibit of Art Deco cars and motorcycles with my parents, and I’m not sure my dad has ever enjoyed anything as much in his life. He called all his dad friends to tell them how great it was while we were still looking at the first car.
chiaroscuromom+38
My dad (age 78) is really really looking forward to taking my son (age 16) to a motorcycle museum this weekend. I expect my dad will enjoy as much as your dad, and my son will find it tolerable.
elsajeni+73
(By the way, this was hilarious. I glance up and he’s on his cell phone — WHOA, I think, because my dad uses his cell phone about once a month. In fact I’m pretty sure he keeps it turned off most of the time. Has he gotten some kind of sudden urgent call from the office? Is his dad, who is in his 90s and in a nursing home, okay? I sidle closer and eavesdrop: “–would really enjoy this, Steve. I mean it’s just great. It only runs through the end of May, you gotta get over here.”)
tragicallyludicrous+22
This is the most adorable thing I’ve read.
adoptraya+40
I love this.
I am picturing that your Dad and his Dad Friends have an old-timey paper phone tree hung up next to their landlines for occasions just such as this.
Joni+10
you are an A+++ offspring.
ExpatCamelia+12
I dragged my parents on my honeymoon (long, involved story) to Jeju Island (“the Hawaii of Korea”), where there happens to be a classical car museum. It was spur-of-the-moment, but it ended up being by far the highlight of the trip for my dad, who took a million pictures of everything and insisted on making me pose with all the cars. And motorcycles. And engines. And then immediately uploaded them all to Facebook when he got home so he could brag to his friends.
angrypedestrian+44
My house recently obtained porch furniture, so I am excited to sit on said porch furniture, ranting about how they ARE all bozos.
the_lamia+138
This issue is very timely as my dad just last week built a small tree nursery for all the saplings he keeps acquiring. It started out as two that some friends of the family gave him for his birthday, and then a few more that my mother brought home from my grandparents’ house, but then he picked up even more at the local garden festival because “nobody else wanted them, how could I just LEAVE them there” so now he has a dozen baby trees in his little tree nursery that he checks on every day and sings Eric Clapton songs to
nopemobile+35
This is ADORABLE [row of heart eyes emoji]
adoptraya+37
I…I…I’m so happy picturing this that I am almost speechless. I’m just imagining you walking into the house and hearing a middle-aged man-caterwaul of “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYla…ya got me on my knees LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYla” coming from the backyard.
the_lamia+82
This I basically right. The day I discovered his tree lullabies was also the day he rescued a newborn fawn from sunburn while its mom was out foraging so I’m pretty sure he’s turning into a middle-aged forest sprite in his retirement
xTinsel+28
I don’t know what pleases me more- you father or my newfound knowledge that fawns suffer from sunburn.
houblonchouffe+26
OH MY GOD
StoatCat+42
Hubs likes likes to read Terry Pratchett and Warhammer 40K novels to our garden plants. He’s also partial to wearing paper-straw fedoras and wearing socks with his Teva sandals. People (especially his high-school students) sometimes tell him to his face that he’s a strange man, and he smiles, bows and says thank-you.
We have no children; he is not yet somebody’s dad HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
FeuerroteZora+7
Some people have always been dads. Whether they are, or ever will be, fathers–that’s irrelevant to their dadness.
chai_party+14
Oh, wondrous! One time I was walking around my (very botanical) university campus, and I saw in the distance a youngish man who turned out to be an adjunct professor, carrying a box of plants in his arms: baby maple seedlings. Upon inquiry he said that he went around and dug them up before the groundskeepers could root them out and dispose of them; he said he had quite a nursery in his office. At the time I was working for a small weekly paper, and I thought ‘Local color!’ and tried to contact him later to interview for an article; he never wrote back; perhaps a figment of the Pacific Northwestern academic mythos.
GoatlessSon+210
Last winter my dad called me and told me that he read a cool new study that said that snow tires were at least 30% more effective if I took them out of my garage and put them on my car.
bird_internet+71
I’m pretty sure “they’re all bozos” is a direct quote from my grandpa, who after a long conversation agreed that he will at least vote in down-ballot races, and write in my name for president
hussified+35
I thought that was a picture of Joe Biden on the cover and I was SO EXCITED.
cowshark+5
Nah, Biden’s sexier.
hussified+6
Oh, no doubt. But at first glance I was like this:
Mingus_Thurber+35
We have the most Dad President and the most Dad Vice-President the world has ever, ever seen. The best part of the Obama years, for me, has been watching this young idealist President turn into the Uber-Dad.
I can’t wait to see it happen to Justin Trudeau.
Unreadaethel+8
Remember “that’s a buncha malarkey” from the VP debates?
ipomoea+24
Note to Jaya and Matt: for the final issue of Dad Magazine in June, please make it Biden and Obama.
bighairnoheart+97
Graduation Fashion for my dad last week meant wearing his ratty old A for Army hat. And using it to get better seats by intimidating an usher. And then dropping it behind a bleacher.
My graduation gift from said dad? Tires.
dakimel+19
+1000
BakesAndRuns+52
My dad visited this weekend. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and he lives in a suburban, more agricultural part of the state. Dad: I’m thirsty. Me: Ok, what do you want? Dad: A soda, but not like a coke or whatever. Something I can’t get at home. Me: Hm, ok…. (We try a few places, dad is disappointed, I am unclear as to what he expected) Me: How about here? (walks into fancy grocery store) Dad: (Observes case of coconut water, kombucha, drinking vinegars, etc) Never mind.
StoatCat+19
“Drinking vinegars?” This is a thing?
I live in South Bend, IN, and at any given moment we’re ~10 years behind the rest of the country when it comes to trends. Mishawaka is still totally jazzed about the Fresh Thyme market they just put in.
thatjillgirl+11
I did go to a vinegar bar in Seattle once where they sold a myriad of fancy flavored vinegars. I don’t think they were for just drinking straight (though that IS how we tasted them), more for pouring on your salad and such, but they DID tell us some fun drink recipes you could do with a few of them where you mixed a little in with your lemonade or tea or whatever. They had samples and it was actually pretty good!
nopemobile+32
Today my morning commute took me right through some flavor of Yale commencement ceremony (why would they hold this on a weekday morning???? I have so many questions); it was very much a congregation of Peak Dads trying to Out Dad each other and it was very great.
wondertwin2+10
Peak sport coat!
nopemobile+6
*nod* It was a very preppy pool of dads, from what I saw.
Kate+1
My dad is the #1 sport coat enthusiast in the world, and while helping my boyfriend pack for a wedding I suggested he go with a “nice sport coat and khakis”…am I a Dad?! Or did I just pick up on my dad’s Style Choices?
Riekeoka+48
Saplings! My dad is obsessed with interesting apple varieties. When he passes a tree that has particularly tasty or visually appealing apples he won’t rest until he has acquired some cuttings (same with old roses). His collections are sneakily taking over the yard like a slow-motion fruity Birnam wood.
Mingus_Thurber+17
The Boyfiend’s dad (my dad is not interested in anything remotely outdoorsy) forages for peaches, apples, asparagus, mushrooms. . .and will occasionally glean a huge sack or two of turnips from somebody’s plowed-over field.
He was thrilled to learn that he could set waypoints on his phone. He and his wife drove all over creation that weekend, setting waypoints wherever they saw wild asparagus growing.
Riekeoka+8
I love that! I’m actually the family forager, but my dad still waxes poetic over a meal of too-tiny-to-harvest potatoes he once collected from a previously harvested field.
Joni+16
+1000 for ‘slow-motion fruity Birnam wood’
dakimel+69
Last time I was in my dad’s car, he held up a pile of odd-sized papers in the console & asked Mom, “Did you tell Mel about this?”
Me (dutiful): “What’s that?”
Dad: “It’s my old man and veteran discounts!”
Mom turned to explain that since moving to their new town, he’s been going around asking at the tractor supply store and the Short Stop Cafe and the feed store and so forth, figuring out which places will offer him a discount for being 70 and a former serviceman. He had to go over to the VA to get proof of that, since in the 45 years of civilian life post-army, he’d never needed it, but the man at the tractor store didn’t have old guy discounts, just vet ones.
He was also very excited that he’d won a raffle at the feed store for “a year’s supply of food” for his pick of animal types. Mom had to convince him to choose the dog food instead of the chicken food, since the dogs eat a lot more by volume than the chickens.
dakimel+69
(esp cause the chickens keep being eaten by bobcats & cougars. They just caught this one an hour ago & are relocating it to a cat preserve.)
nopemobile+21
Ahhhh that FACE. I want one. It might be sad that I don’t have any chickens to eat, though.
tragicallyludicrous+36
can’t really blame the bobcat, chickens ARE delicious
dakimel+17
True. Though I think they liked duck more, since all the ducks were eaten first, but it might have been an access issue, instead.
Mingus_Thurber+17
Ducks also fight back a lot less than chickens, in my experience.
pigeonsquid+24
I’m very sorry about the chickens but man is that bobcat (probably?) adorable!
walrathem+8
Bobkitten I think.
StoatCat+21
That bobcat’s all, “why would you leave those chickens out in that pen, they look so tantalizing?!”
bibliophibian+110
Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so poult
aquamarinaveen+23
oh my god
Armaniburger+4
fassbenderperfection.gif
dakimel+6
You’re perfect
Hadrosaur+15
“Businesses that are ripping you off” and “why they’re all bozos” is absolutely my Grandad.
cleoreads+47
I just heard that the oldest brick and mortar Sears store is closing (in Chicago) and it reminded me of my uncle’s peak dad comment.
I moved to Chicago the summer after I graduated college – my college roommate and I spent a weekend at my grandmother’s looking for apartments before we made the big move. She and I went through the want ads (this was in the dark ages before the web) and circled the ones we could afford and then my uncle, a life-long Chicagoan, went through and told us which ones we should look at. He also told us lots of stories about various locations, with multiple references to old family friends and weird family stories.
And this gem – “Oh, this one is in a good location. It’s by Sears! Do you like Sears?”
We did not rent that apartment, but I often think of my uncle when I drive past that Sears. And now it’s closing.
cleoreads+11
This is the same uncle who went through a (blessedly short) phase of introducing me as “the niece” – with his Chicago accent it sounded like “da niece” and then I’d have to explain, no my name isn’t Denise, it’s Cleo.
Laura+16
This month’s Cover Dad looks so much like my dad that I got a little freaked out! Whose dad is that? Is my dad leading a double life? Are you my long-lost sibling?
Pola_Negroni+7
It looks like Robert Duvall to me. Is your dad currently Robert Duvall?
Laura+10
Not as far as I know, but I haven’t seen him in a few weeks . . . O_o
tinypaperme+22
More important, have you ever seen your dad and Robert Duvall in the same place at the same time?
VaguelyDownward+53
Important question: will Dad Magazine live on elsewhere after the unfortunate demise of The Toast? Besides in the book and in our hearts, of course.
Mrs_Peel+17
“Time to start sourcing those snow tires”
I’m sorry, this is obviously Mom Magazine. (Okay, maybe that’s just my mom…)
Unreadaethel+56
My dad is looking at the available Amazon images for Dad Magazine: the Book, and suggests that “LOL” is not a good substitute for “groovy,” and wonders why Dad Magazine would offer such misleading advice.
I told him that’s how we know he’s really part of the target demographic.
Joni+25
no but my father-in-law WILL NOT SHUT UP about saplings
also generators. He has the hubs convinced that we need a generator. Even after we visited the in-laws and the power went out and we had to eat all the posicles real quick because, as it happens, their generator is still in the box.
Chloe+15
I want to share this video I saw the other day that feels like the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen: “How to get a hummingbird to sit on your finger”, by YouTube channel cookingfordads. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK4B0s9CGdQ
msmarymary+13
Oh, Businesses That Are Ripping You Off. I’m in the process of buying my first home, and my Dad keeps giving me advice on mortgage lenders and home inspectors directly AFTER I’ve signed a bunch of things agreeing to give all my money to someone. Oh, dads.
kayloulee+23
My parents have an avocado, citrus, and custard apple orchard, and my dad has very serious opinions about varieties. I convinced him to buy a new variety of orange tree (Cara Cara red navel) and every time we talk he gives me updates on it. He’s very pleased that it’s red all the way through, because his blood orange trees give patchy-colored fruit and he thinks the nursery cheated him on them.
walrathem+20
I’ve ripped out a bunch of my lawn and am waiting to get the landscaping finished and the Bermuda grass is taking advantage of the opportunity to take over again. So my dad has been bringing me herbicide* to spray. I showed him the blister I got from spraying and mentioned that I had to break it up into stages because my hands weren’t strong enough. Skip forward to today where I find a new gallon of weed killer on my front porch I got it set up and it wasn’t until I pulled the trigger for the first time that I realized he’d bought me a motorized one.
*bermuda grass is literally the only thing I pull out the weed killer for. I haven’t had to deal with poison oak but that would be on the list as well. I even do blackberries by hand!
J_M+8
It’s so weird how a little bit of water is coming out of my eyes, maybe I got herbicide in them?
Happy spraying! Your dad rules.
cleo
This is the same uncle who went through a (blessedly short) phase of introducing me as "the niece" – with his Chicago accent it sounded like "da niece" and then I'd have to explain, no my name isn't Denise, it's Cleo.
Ellabee
This presidential election will be the first since my grandpa died. I am really sad that I won't get to hear him elaborate on "Decision 2016: Why they're ALL bozos!" because HOO BOY would he have had some things to say about the crop of presidential candidates.
Ellabee
My father-in-law is also obsessed with generators. And his instant-on hot water heater. Does your father-in-law have one of those yet?
fromthelandwithlove
Covered by a thin thin 35 millimeter shell, and inside they're delicious!
fromthelandwithlove
There's a colonial era drink called shrub that is basically vinegar mixed with fruit and water. It's pretty good.
Image via 
My new favorite dad thing my dad did a few weeks ago also involves my mom, but it was so cute and I have to share. They came to visit me in DC in April and the first night I took them out to dinner. My parents have it in their head now that they are going to be come snowbirds and leave New Hampshire in the winters for Florida, which I’m trying to convince them not to do for several reasons (only half of which is my selfish dislike of Florida and not wanting to go there again). When I suggested that they look at North Carolina my mom responded, “No, we can’t do that. John [my dad], tell her why.”
“We can’t move to North Carolina because of the way they’re treating gay people.”
I just loved it so much. I mean, there are a lot of flaws in their argument that Florida would be better and very liberal people like my parents moving to North Carolina would probably be a good thing for the state, but that was just the sweetest thing ever.
Excuse me while I teleport over to wherever your parents are & give them a hug.
Aren’t they so cute? They’re in New Hampshire and although my dad is very affectionate and kind, he’s not much of a hugger. He would, however, happily discuss politics. And not in an enraging way! And then you can play with his very spoiled dog, Crawford.
that is lovely. my closest dad-like acquaintance is my uncle, who is 87 and when I visited him and my aunt last week, was mad about NC’s bathroom discrimination business and wanted to yell about it. “I’ve seen women in the men’s room plenty of times and none of them ever did me any harm!” he yelled, in the Panera parking lot. He also wanted to quote every mildly amusing thing he had heard from watching Samantha Bee, whom he calls “The Daily Show.”
Ack, this is too cute!
To be fair, Samantha Bee’s show is better than the current Daily Show and she probably should have just taken over.
And your uncle sounds amazing and lovely.
he had some momentary low-level fame decades ago for refusing to help kick a gay man out of the air force, back when he was a judge advocate what-you-call-it. nowadays he has some minor sexist lapses but is by and large the best old hard-line liberal you could hope to meet. he is mad about being old and gets extra mad when my aunt says things that imply they might be dead or enfeebled in thirty years, he thinks she has a defeatist attitude about it. but he did stop posting shirtless photos on facebook about three years ago. not cause his torso is in decline, just because he is under the impression facebook is passe and he got bored with it.
Oh my god he got better. I love that he got bored with facebook because he’s totally right that it is passe (not that that has stopped me from using it).
As for the minor sexist lapses — I mean, I get it. I think the important thing there is that he learns from those lapses (which it sounds like he would) rather than hold onto them. My dad is the more liberal and feminist of my parents and his political views continue to evolve, but he’s still operating from a different generation and perceptions, so I don’t assume he’s going to be on the leading edge of feminism. But he’s always willing to learn and to understand.
I’d sure like to get to your level of forgiveness. I just go white-hot silent rage at those lapses still.
This edition of Dad Magazine is entirely, 100% my father, thank you
DITTO. In fact, 24 years ago today, I graduated from college, and my dad wore light blue seersucker pants, dark red suspenders, a white shirt and white oxfords.
(Miss you, Dad. xo)
Pretty sure we’re all bozos on this bus.
– this reference brought to you by Firesign Theater, the love of which was instilled in me by my dad
My dad, too, instilled in his children a healthy appreciation for Firesign Theater. To this day, we can’t ask anybody to pass the syrup at family meals without responding “That’s a good idea, but syrup won’t stop them.”
Oh man. I grew up listening to Firesign Theater quotes on a daily basis. Your dad and my dad would be great pals I think.
I was at lunch on Mother’s Day at a pizza place and somehow managed to find an excuse to say, “No anchovies? You must have the wrong number; I spell my name Danger!”
I don’t think my father has ever been more proud and the rest of my family more confused.
I have that record! (Inherited from my dad. Of course)
My mom made that reference just this weekend!
Planning the Dream Vacation: Time- and Fuel-Saving Back-Road Routes to the Hottest Destinations
Or if your my dad, the chilliest. He always insists on going north for summer vacations to escape the heat. We live in Ohio so there is usually no heat higher than 90 to escape from!
How Many States Is Too Many to Drive Through to Avoid That One Toll Bridge?*
* the answer is 51.
I hesitated on up-voting you because your thumbs up count was at 51 when I saw it, but I did it anyway.
For my dad, this is also planning the 90 minute drive to my home. We moved in 12 years ago and the route options haven’t really changed, but my dad is always trying different routes and trying to get the rest of us to weigh in on the relative merits of different surface streets.
I am my father’s daughter, so for years I worried about choosing “good driving streets” and the most efficient route – and then I had a life changing revelation. I don’t really care if I’m on the fastest route, as long as it is a pleasant drive.
In my family, the debate is always “Scenic Route or Toll Road?”
– Toll road is faster, but costs $$ (“but we have an EZ Pass so it’s less expensive than if we had to use cash. Do you have an EZ Pass? Here, take my EZ Pass. You can return it to me the next time you visit!”).
– Scenic route is longer and slower, but Scenic! Also, plenty of antique shops to stop at if we feel like it! But if there’s a race at the Speedway, we might get stuck in Speedway traffic, which will make it extra-longer and extra-slower, and the scenery will be less scenic.
I am driving to San Diego via 395 instead of I-5 this weekend due to my dad-inspired love of back roads.
If you’re my dad, you let them know by getting drunk at a family event and making loud jokes from the crowd in response to the emcee.
(This was especially jarring for me as he is normally the type of dad who believes that dads should be seen and not heard.)
Saplings!
My dad has bought several young fruit trees every year since I was in middle school. He has long hoped to have a mini orchard in the backyard so he and my mom can stop buying their fruit at the grocery store. Since they live in the northeast, without fail, 2 out of 3 saplings die by the fall. But hope springs eternal (pun entirely intended)!
There are plenty of successful orchards in the northeast! Ones that I have seen, with my own two eyes. I am sure he will succeed eventually. (Unless he’s planting lemon trees or something, in which case, yikes.)
My dad has not yet caught on to the majesty of saplings but he is currently obsessed with putting plants in the rockery. He loves that rockery.
My parents had to trim their apricot tree (quite severely, since it’s dying slowly), and dad’s currently using some of the wood to smoke a pork butt. He’s very excited.
“Business That Are Ripping You Off”
If the answer isn’t “all of them” than it’s not a real dad article. Also applies to grandfathers, like my own dearly departed one, who would spend $3 in gas to drive back to the store where they had made a $.03 error.
My Grandad thinks climate change is a conspiracy invented by shops to charge you for plastic bags.
My dad once read me the instructions on a shampoo bottle, ranted that nobody needed to use anything like that much shampoo to get their hair clean, and that you could save so much money by scrimping on toiletries. This was my pre-college budget talk.
My dad gave the same speech, but in regards to laundry powder (‘they’ve been making the scoop bigger to get you to use more’)
It seems to be a thing that happens pretty much as soon as you become a dad. My partner has only been a dad for nine months and last week he went and fought a 17 cent overcharge
This week I went to a museum exhibit of Art Deco cars and motorcycles with my parents, and I’m not sure my dad has ever enjoyed anything as much in his life. He called all his dad friends to tell them how great it was while we were still looking at the first car.
My dad (age 78) is really really looking forward to taking my son (age 16) to a motorcycle museum this weekend. I expect my dad will enjoy as much as your dad, and my son will find it tolerable.
(By the way, this was hilarious. I glance up and he’s on his cell phone — WHOA, I think, because my dad uses his cell phone about once a month. In fact I’m pretty sure he keeps it turned off most of the time. Has he gotten some kind of sudden urgent call from the office? Is his dad, who is in his 90s and in a nursing home, okay? I sidle closer and eavesdrop: “–would really enjoy this, Steve. I mean it’s just great. It only runs through the end of May, you gotta get over here.”)
This is the most adorable thing I’ve read.
I love this.
I am picturing that your Dad and his Dad Friends have an old-timey paper phone tree hung up next to their landlines for occasions just such as this.
you are an A+++ offspring.
I dragged my parents on my honeymoon (long, involved story) to Jeju Island (“the Hawaii of Korea”), where there happens to be a classical car museum. It was spur-of-the-moment, but it ended up being by far the highlight of the trip for my dad, who took a million pictures of everything and insisted on making me pose with all the cars. And motorcycles. And engines. And then immediately uploaded them all to Facebook when he got home so he could brag to his friends.
My house recently obtained porch furniture, so I am excited to sit on said porch furniture, ranting about how they ARE all bozos.
This issue is very timely as my dad just last week built a small tree nursery for all the saplings he keeps acquiring. It started out as two that some friends of the family gave him for his birthday, and then a few more that my mother brought home from my grandparents’ house, but then he picked up even more at the local garden festival because “nobody else wanted them, how could I just LEAVE them there” so now he has a dozen baby trees in his little tree nursery that he checks on every day and sings Eric Clapton songs to
This is ADORABLE [row of heart eyes emoji]
I…I…I’m so happy picturing this that I am almost speechless. I’m just imagining you walking into the house and hearing a middle-aged man-caterwaul of “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYla…ya got me on my knees LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYla” coming from the backyard.
This I basically right. The day I discovered his tree lullabies was also the day he rescued a newborn fawn from sunburn while its mom was out foraging so I’m pretty sure he’s turning into a middle-aged forest sprite in his retirement
I don’t know what pleases me more- you father or my newfound knowledge that fawns suffer from sunburn.
OH MY GOD
Hubs likes likes to read Terry Pratchett and Warhammer 40K novels to our garden plants. He’s also partial to wearing paper-straw fedoras and wearing socks with his Teva sandals. People (especially his high-school students) sometimes tell him to his face that he’s a strange man, and he smiles, bows and says thank-you.
We have no children; he is not yet somebody’s dad HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.
Some people have always been dads. Whether they are, or ever will be, fathers–that’s irrelevant to their dadness.
Oh, wondrous!
One time I was walking around my (very botanical) university campus, and I saw in the distance a youngish man who turned out to be an adjunct professor, carrying a box of plants in his arms: baby maple seedlings. Upon inquiry he said that he went around and dug them up before the groundskeepers could root them out and dispose of them; he said he had quite a nursery in his office.
At the time I was working for a small weekly paper, and I thought ‘Local color!’ and tried to contact him later to interview for an article; he never wrote back; perhaps a figment of the Pacific Northwestern academic mythos.
Last winter my dad called me and told me that he read a cool new study that said that snow tires were at least 30% more effective if I took them out of my garage and put them on my car.
I’m pretty sure “they’re all bozos” is a direct quote from my grandpa, who after a long conversation agreed that he will at least vote in down-ballot races, and write in my name for president
I thought that was a picture of Joe Biden on the cover and I was SO EXCITED.
Nah, Biden’s sexier.
Oh, no doubt. But at first glance I was like this:
We have the most Dad President and the most Dad Vice-President the world has ever, ever seen. The best part of the Obama years, for me, has been watching this young idealist President turn into the Uber-Dad.
I can’t wait to see it happen to Justin Trudeau.
Remember “that’s a buncha malarkey” from the VP debates?
Note to Jaya and Matt: for the final issue of Dad Magazine in June, please make it Biden and Obama.
Graduation Fashion for my dad last week meant wearing his ratty old A for Army hat. And using it to get better seats by intimidating an usher. And then dropping it behind a bleacher.
My graduation gift from said dad? Tires.
+1000
My dad visited this weekend. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and he lives in a suburban, more agricultural part of the state.
Dad: I’m thirsty.
Me: Ok, what do you want?
Dad: A soda, but not like a coke or whatever. Something I can’t get at home.
Me: Hm, ok….
(We try a few places, dad is disappointed, I am unclear as to what he expected)
Me: How about here? (walks into fancy grocery store)
Dad: (Observes case of coconut water, kombucha, drinking vinegars, etc) Never mind.
“Drinking vinegars?” This is a thing?
I live in South Bend, IN, and at any given moment we’re ~10 years behind the rest of the country when it comes to trends. Mishawaka is still totally jazzed about the Fresh Thyme market they just put in.
I did go to a vinegar bar in Seattle once where they sold a myriad of fancy flavored vinegars. I don’t think they were for just drinking straight (though that IS how we tasted them), more for pouring on your salad and such, but they DID tell us some fun drink recipes you could do with a few of them where you mixed a little in with your lemonade or tea or whatever. They had samples and it was actually pretty good!
Today my morning commute took me right through some flavor of Yale commencement ceremony (why would they hold this on a weekday morning???? I have so many questions); it was very much a congregation of Peak Dads trying to Out Dad each other and it was very great.
Peak sport coat!
*nod* It was a very preppy pool of dads, from what I saw.
My dad is the #1 sport coat enthusiast in the world, and while helping my boyfriend pack for a wedding I suggested he go with a “nice sport coat and khakis”…am I a Dad?! Or did I just pick up on my dad’s Style Choices?
Saplings!
My dad is obsessed with interesting apple varieties. When he passes a tree that has particularly tasty or visually appealing apples he won’t rest until he has acquired some cuttings (same with old roses). His collections are sneakily taking over the yard like a slow-motion fruity Birnam wood.
The Boyfiend’s dad (my dad is not interested in anything remotely outdoorsy) forages for peaches, apples, asparagus, mushrooms. . .and will occasionally glean a huge sack or two of turnips from somebody’s plowed-over field.
He was thrilled to learn that he could set waypoints on his phone. He and his wife drove all over creation that weekend, setting waypoints wherever they saw wild asparagus growing.
I love that! I’m actually the family forager, but my dad still waxes poetic over a meal of too-tiny-to-harvest potatoes he once collected from a previously harvested field.
+1000 for ‘slow-motion fruity Birnam wood’
Last time I was in my dad’s car, he held up a pile of odd-sized papers in the console & asked Mom, “Did you tell Mel about this?”
Me (dutiful): “What’s that?”
Dad: “It’s my old man and veteran discounts!”
Mom turned to explain that since moving to their new town, he’s been going around asking at the tractor supply store and the Short Stop Cafe and the feed store and so forth, figuring out which places will offer him a discount for being 70 and a former serviceman. He had to go over to the VA to get proof of that, since in the 45 years of civilian life post-army, he’d never needed it, but the man at the tractor store didn’t have old guy discounts, just vet ones.
He was also very excited that he’d won a raffle at the feed store for “a year’s supply of food” for his pick of animal types. Mom had to convince him to choose the dog food instead of the chicken food, since the dogs eat a lot more by volume than the chickens.
(esp cause the chickens keep being eaten by bobcats & cougars. They just caught this one an hour ago & are relocating it to a cat preserve.)
Ahhhh that FACE. I want one. It might be sad that I don’t have any chickens to eat, though.
can’t really blame the bobcat, chickens ARE delicious
True. Though I think they liked duck more, since all the ducks were eaten first, but it might have been an access issue, instead.
Ducks also fight back a lot less than chickens, in my experience.
I’m very sorry about the chickens but man is that bobcat (probably?) adorable!
Bobkitten I think.
That bobcat’s all, “why would you leave those chickens out in that pen, they look so tantalizing?!”
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so poult
oh my god
fassbenderperfection.gif
You’re perfect
“Businesses that are ripping you off” and “why they’re all bozos” is absolutely my Grandad.
I just heard that the oldest brick and mortar Sears store is closing (in Chicago) and it reminded me of my uncle’s peak dad comment.
I moved to Chicago the summer after I graduated college – my college roommate and I spent a weekend at my grandmother’s looking for apartments before we made the big move. She and I went through the want ads (this was in the dark ages before the web) and circled the ones we could afford and then my uncle, a life-long Chicagoan, went through and told us which ones we should look at. He also told us lots of stories about various locations, with multiple references to old family friends and weird family stories.
And this gem – “Oh, this one is in a good location. It’s by Sears! Do you like Sears?”
We did not rent that apartment, but I often think of my uncle when I drive past that Sears. And now it’s closing.
This is the same uncle who went through a (blessedly short) phase of introducing me as “the niece” – with his Chicago accent it sounded like “da niece” and then I’d have to explain, no my name isn’t Denise, it’s Cleo.
This month’s Cover Dad looks so much like my dad that I got a little freaked out! Whose dad is that? Is my dad leading a double life? Are you my long-lost sibling?
It looks like Robert Duvall to me. Is your dad currently Robert Duvall?
Not as far as I know, but I haven’t seen him in a few weeks . . . O_o
More important, have you ever seen your dad and Robert Duvall in the same place at the same time?
Important question: will Dad Magazine live on elsewhere after the unfortunate demise of The Toast? Besides in the book and in our hearts, of course.
“Time to start sourcing those snow tires”
I’m sorry, this is obviously Mom Magazine. (Okay, maybe that’s just my mom…)
My dad is looking at the available Amazon images for Dad Magazine: the Book, and suggests that “LOL” is not a good substitute for “groovy,” and wonders why Dad Magazine would offer such misleading advice.
I told him that’s how we know he’s really part of the target demographic.
no but my father-in-law WILL NOT SHUT UP about saplings
also generators. He has the hubs convinced that we need a generator. Even after we visited the in-laws and the power went out and we had to eat all the posicles real quick because, as it happens, their generator is still in the box.
I want to share this video I saw the other day that feels like the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen: “How to get a hummingbird to sit on your finger”, by YouTube channel cookingfordads. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK4B0s9CGdQ
Oh, Businesses That Are Ripping You Off. I’m in the process of buying my first home, and my Dad keeps giving me advice on mortgage lenders and home inspectors directly AFTER I’ve signed a bunch of things agreeing to give all my money to someone. Oh, dads.
My parents have an avocado, citrus, and custard apple orchard, and my dad has very serious opinions about varieties. I convinced him to buy a new variety of orange tree (Cara Cara red navel) and every time we talk he gives me updates on it. He’s very pleased that it’s red all the way through, because his blood orange trees give patchy-colored fruit and he thinks the nursery cheated him on them.
I’ve ripped out a bunch of my lawn and am waiting to get the landscaping finished and the Bermuda grass is taking advantage of the opportunity to take over again. So my dad has been bringing me herbicide* to spray. I showed him the blister I got from spraying and mentioned that I had to break it up into stages because my hands weren’t strong enough. Skip forward to today where I find a new gallon of weed killer on my front porch I got it set up and it wasn’t until I pulled the trigger for the first time that I realized he’d bought me a motorized one.
*bermuda grass is literally the only thing I pull out the weed killer for. I haven’t had to deal with poison oak but that would be on the list as well. I even do blackberries by hand!
It’s so weird how a little bit of water is coming out of my eyes, maybe I got herbicide in them?
Happy spraying! Your dad rules.
This is the same uncle who went through a (blessedly short) phase of introducing me as "the niece" – with his Chicago accent it sounded like "da niece" and then I'd have to explain, no my name isn't Denise, it's Cleo.
This presidential election will be the first since my grandpa died. I am really sad that I won't get to hear him elaborate on "Decision 2016: Why they're ALL bozos!" because HOO BOY would he have had some things to say about the crop of presidential candidates.
My father-in-law is also obsessed with generators. And his instant-on hot water heater. Does your father-in-law have one of those yet?
Covered by a thin thin 35 millimeter shell, and inside they're delicious!
There's a colonial era drink called shrub that is basically vinegar mixed with fruit and water. It's pretty good.