Socrates famously declared that “the only thing we can know is that we know nothing.” Descartes created four rules in order to avoid making specious claims to knowledge:
“I thought the following four [rules] would be enough, provided that I made a firm and constant resolution not to fail even once in the observance of them. The first was never to accept anything as true if I had not evident knowledge of its being so; that is, carefully to avoid precipitancy and prejudice, and to embrace in my judgment only what presented itself to my mind so clearly and distinctly that I had no occasion to doubt it.”
And yet our latest batch of Science-Men have taken the Space Pulpit hastily – suspiciously hastily — to assure us that the gleaming points of light popping up over the landscape of Mars are not, indeed cannot be alien bonfires:
Recent photos taken by NASA’s Mars rover might appear to show a gleaming alien bonfire burning in the distance—at least according to some Internet loonies—but that’s not exactly what’s happening.
The provocative, shiny smears of light appear in two images snapped by rover Curiosity’s navigation camera, one on April 2 and the other on April 3, provoking excitement among some in the UFO-spotting crowd.
The photos come courtesy of the camera’s right eye and show nearly vertical bright smudges emerging from a spot near the horizon. Photos of the same spot shot by the camera’s left eye, meanwhile, show no such things.
Rather than emanating from an underground Martian disco, the bright spots are probably caused by cosmic rays colliding with the rover’s camera or by glinting rocks reflecting the Martian sunlight, said NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s Justin Maki, lead imaging scientist for the Curiosity team.
He said that glimmers appearing in similar spots on two consecutive days are oddly coincidental.
Oddly coincidental! And yet he claims proof positive that these lights are not bonfires gathered together by moth-white, slithering hands in the dead of night; nor a swaying, shimmering figure that wobbles sickeningly against the horizon every night, when he refuses to travel to Mars to discover the truth for himself, despite the fact that the Moth-Skin pods leave on the Space Elevator at least once a fortnight.
Does it not seem logical that the villeins at NASA would seek to dull our curiosity by naming and dismissing the most probable cause for these Martian lights? Why, was it not merely forty years ago when men still refused to believe that the Moon existed? Were not women illegal until Saturday last? Have we not all heard the strange, dark, suckling sounds that come from Mercury on nights when the wind blows south-south-east? Glinting rocks forsooth. As for myself, I’ll not believe Mars is without bonfires until I see the land for myself, and can satisfy my own eyes. Lights flicker on and flicker off on the quiet darkling wastes of Mars, we may be sure of that. Where there are lights, there are shadows. Where there are shadows, there are eyes. Where there are eyes, there is hiding. Where there is hiding, there are secrets. Do not allow them to pacify you.
[Images via National Geographic]
Tags: mars, science, space, things that aren’t bonfires
I’ll need to see s’more proof.
Absence of evidence is, indeed, not evidence of absence. Not where Martians are concerned, nosiree.
Well, duh. Of course it’s not a Martian bonfire. It’s a Walmart.
they’re hiding their brains behind their eyes
If you zoom waaaay in, you can see that they’re actually perfect replicas of Curiosity’s childhood home back in Ohio. Oh look, there’s Curiosity’s parents and grandparents, coming out to greet it! (RUN, CURIOSITY. OR… TRUNDLE, OR WHATEVER YOU DO. TRUNDLE LIKE HELL.)
I would very much like to give this comment more than one “thumbs up”.
I dare you to read the last paragraph in Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s voice and not crack a smile.
Pfft, how do THEY know what Martian bonfires look like?
I’m more likely to jump to, ‘CURIOSITY IS A FRAUD AND IS OUT IN ARIZONA SOMEWHERE AND NOT ON MARS AT ALL’ than Martian bonfires.
like that’s clearly a bonfire
Speaking as one of those NASA villeins, I’m not sure whether to be delighted that one of my favorite websites is posting articles about my place of work, or disturbed that clearly the universe is yelling at me for taking an internet break during working hours.
Naw, it’s just that now you have direct proof that going to The Toast is working. Carry on!
Presumably bonfires lit using the timber of the rat boat?
Not bonfires.
Clearly warning beacons that the strange fleshy water-beasts of blueplanet have discovered them.
How are you feeling today?
like vomiting everywhere because I have a stomach bug. How are you?
Sorry to hear about your tummy. Are you somewhere you can lie down and sip chamomile tea? That’s how I’d like to think of you, snuggling with your favorite dog/cat/teddy bear and resting.
I have mint and licorice tea and the sofa. But the sofa is boring and I cannot concentrate on my book. Also, I feel grimy and want a bath,l but I think I forgot to turn the boiler on and it’s 20 to 10 now, so maybe a little late.
like vomiting everywhere because I have a stomach bug. How are you?
It’s Burning Man on Mars. Let’s never go there.
I have mint and licorice tea and the sofa. But the sofa is boring and I cannot concentrate on my book. Also, I feel grimy and want a bath,l but I think I forgot to turn the boiler on and it's 20 to 10 now, so maybe a little late.
“gleaming alien bonfire” – how Earthist of us! We’re on their damn planet, so, no, the bonfire isn’t “alien,” it’s “native” and we’re the intruders and if they have to burn a little bonfire now and then to light the way for the investigators who are trying to suss out what this invading thing – this ALIEN – is on their surface, why do we have to get so up in arms about it?
Those feudal French peasant-farmers at NASA. What do they know about outer space? Go back to your fields, you serfs!
+1 for the use of “villeins.”
Anybody wanna see a real Martian Bonfire should check this out:
https://www.facebook.com/martianbonfire/
-cheers!