From Humans of New York:
“What’s your greatest struggle right now?”
“Hitting a kick flip.”
“Getting my average past 90.”
“Getting some vagina.”
“Me too.”
Mind (“Getting my average past 90″). Body (“Hitting a kick flip”). Spirit (“Getting some vagina”). Unity and solidarity (“Me too”).
Dirtbags love kick flips and vaginas above all things. The fact that they are also maintaining A- averages is a testament to the capacity of the dirtbag spirit to surprise and delight. The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards glorious teenage dirtbags.
[Many thanks to Erin Browne for bringing this to our attention]
Tags: getting some, heroes, humans of new york, kickflips
i can’t love this harder
As a tangent, this comment got “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” stuck in my head.
And now all I want to see is a Dirtbag Passion Play.
The Gospel According to Dirtbags
dirtbag Jesus would please my formerly Methodist soul <3
There’s an entire BOOK on just this subject, called “Lamb”, I highly recommend it.
I’ve read it! It’s great!
Dirtbag Jesus teaching the little children how to flip off the Pharisees 4-EVA
EVERYONE READ LAMB (The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal) RIGHT NOW
BLESSED ARE THE DUMBFUCKS
That’s just Jesus Christ Superstar, though.
Jesus: and that’s not all I see
one of you here dining
one of my twelve chosen will leave to betray me
Judas: cut out the dramatics
you know very well who
Jesus: WHY DON’T YOU GO DO IT
Judas: you want me to do it?
Jesus: hurry they’re waiting
Judas: if you knew why I do it
Jesus: i don’t care why you do it
Judas: to think I admired you
for now I despise you
Jesus: you liar
you Judas
Judas: you wanted me to do it
what if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition
christ, you deserve it
Jesus: hurry you fool
hurry and go
save me your speeches
i don’t wanna know
go
I waited in line at an ice cream shop / high school Date Night Hub behind a teenage dirtbag and his girlfriend. He was wearing a hoodie w band patches, sagging cargo shorts and held a skateboard in one hand. He was casually telling her about his favorite bands. She was wearing Uggs and was DEEPLY fascinated.
PERFECT.
Please please tell us the bands, either on his shirt or that he was discussing.
God I wish I could remember! He was totally chill about it though.
I’m…surprised? impressed? incredulous? that they said “vagina” instead of “pussy.”
That was my first reaction too. These youths clearly belong to a superior class of teenage dirtbag.
look at how well-laundered and neat their clothes are, sheesh. I bet one or more of them irons his sweatshirts. some dirtbags.
now I’m imagining a dirtbag shaking out and crumpling up his lovingly ironed jeans. “Jeez, mom! there’s a crease! they’re jeans not some fucking suit!”
The dreaded jeans crease! Great image there.
These are definitely some kind of high achieving dirtbag. I mean, “getting my average past 90” is not a typical dirtbag goal!
Well, they DO all have A- averages 🙂
Mallory, I thought of you as soon as this HONY popped up in my Facebook feed. Mallory, in my mind you are becoming analogous to a Teenage Dirtbag. Mallory, your work here is done.
Mallory, I thought you wrote the quotes at first and I am so deeply delighted that they are from actual real-life teenage dirtbags.
I really hope “getting some vagina” catches on amongst the youths. The phrase I mean. THE PHRASE.
no vagina til you get that average above 90 and master at least one kickflip
…explains a lot about my dating history.
It is my sincerest wish that these dirtbags will one day stumble upon the Toast and find their very existence celebrated. They deserve it!
My spouse is a middle school teacher, and his work stories are pretty much 100% glorious teenage dirtbags. I’m not sure these dapper gentlemen fit this category any longer, but Mr. Birdy did teach some of them back when they were little 13 year old dirtbags – http://youtu.be/D7vNEl4Br0w
Those are some glorious suits.
Wow, so dapper!
My friend teaches middle school and maaaaaan does she have some great dirtbag stories. She’s a really cool and ~chill~ person so they all love her and she’s queen on those baby dirtbags. Last week one of them said he was bringing an e-cig to class and she could hit that if she wanted. Another one taught her to pick locks. Oh, I’m forgetting the best ones, but yeah. Middle school!
E-CIGS AND LOCK PICKING, I die
I’m beginning to suspect that the punchline of this series is going to be Mallory discovering that in fact she has been a dirtbag all along
This is so beautiful and pure
…explains a lot about my dating history.
Wow, so dapper!
My friend teaches middle school and maaaaaan does she have some great dirtbag stories. She's a really cool and ~chill~ person so they all love her and she's queen on those baby dirtbags. Last week one of them said he was bringing an e-cig to class and she could hit that if she wanted. Another one taught her to pick locks. Oh, I'm forgetting the best ones, but yeah. Middle school!
These are definitely some kind of high achieving dirtbag. I mean, "getting my average past 90" is not a typical dirtbag goal!
I realized recently that my best friend’s older sister was totally a teenage dirtbag! Check out this memory from a mutual friend:
“Having an image of C, pulling up to my house in the Civic, cigarette hanging out the window and rap blasting, while I ran out as quickly as possible because I said that C’s mom was driving (I wasn’t allowed to drive with teenagers). I remember getting caught (“Was that REALLY C’s mom?”).”
Don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone, right?