76. We say, on the contrary, that the papal pardons are not able to remove the very least of venial sins, so far as its guilt is concerned.
no sin so wee and eensy it won’t droogle you down into hell, chums
77. It is said that even St. Peter, if he were now Pope, could not bestow greater graces; this is blasphemy against St. Peter and against the pope.
POPE vs. POPE vs. POPE
78. We say, on the contrary, that even the present pope, and any pope at all, has greater graces at his disposal; to wit, the Gospel, powers, gifts of healing, etc., as it is written in I. Corinthians xii.
Oh, you’ve got an indulgence? That’s fine, that’s fine…all I’ve got is a little something I like to call THE GOSPEL, EVER *HEARD OF IT*
79. To say that the cross, emblazoned with the papal arms, which is set up, is of equal worth with the Cross of Christ, is blasphemy.
QUIT DRAWING ON THE CROSS EVERYBODY
80. The bishops, curates and theologians who allow such talk to be spread among the people, will have an account to render.
BISHES, CURES, THEOLS, YOU’VE BEEN TALKING AN AWFUL LOT BUT DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY
81. This unbridled preaching of pardons makes it no easy matter, even for learned men, to rescue the reverence due to the pope from slander, or even from the shrewd questionings of the laity.
POPE I’M TRYING NOT TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU BUT YOU KEEP BUILDING SHIT-TALKING ROADS RIGHT OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO AVOID THEM
82. To wit: — “Why does not the pope empty purgatory, for the sake of holy love and of the dire need of the souls that are there, if he redeems an infinite number of souls for the sake of miserable money with which to build a Church? The former reasons would be most just; the latter is most trivial.”
IF YOU WANT TO CHEW GUM YOU BETTER BRING ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
83. Again: — “Why are mortuary and anniversary masses for the dead continued, and why does he not return or permit the withdrawal of the endowments founded on their behalf, since it is wrong to pray for the redeemed?”
WHERE
IS
MY
MONEY
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA BUILD AN ENDOWMENT WITH IT SO WHERE’S MY ENDOWMENT OR WHERE IS MY MONEY
84. Again: — “What is this new piety of God and the pope, that for money they allow a man who is impious and their enemy to buy out of purgatory the pious soul of a friend of God, and do not rather, because of that pious and beloved soul’s own need, free it for pure love’s sake?”
NO NEED TO GET TESTY I’M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS
85. Again: — “Why are the penitential canons long since in actual fact and through disuse abrogated and dead, now satisfied by the granting of indulgences, as though they were still alive and in force?”
I’M JUST CURIOUS IS ALL
86. Again: — “Why does not the pope, whose wealth is to-day greater than the riches of the richest, build just this one church of St. Peter with his own money, rather than with the money of poor believers?”
WHERE IS MY POPE CITY
87. Again: — “What is it that the pope remits, and what participation does he grant to those who, by perfect contrition, have a right to full remission and participation?”
I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NICER TO ASHLEIGH THAN YOU ARE TO ME BUT WE’VE ALL BEEN FRIENDS THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME AND ACTUALLY I WAS THE ONE WHO ORGANIZED YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY SO IF ANYONE HAS A RIGHT TO BE THE ONE YOU’RE NICEST TO IT’S ME
88. Again: — “What greater blessing could come to the Church than if the pope were to do a hundred times a day what he now does once, and bestow on every believer these remissions and participations?”
IF YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH GUM FOR THE WHOLE CLASS WHY NOT BRING ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE SCHOOL
89. “Since the pope, by his pardons, seeks the salvation of souls rather than money, why does he suspend the indulgences and pardons granted heretofore, since these have equal efficacy?”
IF YOU’RE DOING WHAT YOU LOVE WHY ARE YOU CHARING FOR IT
90. To repress these arguments and scruples of the laity by force alone, and not to resolve them by giving reasons, is to expose the Church and the pope to the ridicule of their enemies, and to make Christians unhappy.
WE ARE JUST ASKING QUESTIONS THERE’S NO REASON TO GET MAD
91. If, therefore, pardons were preached according to the spirit and mind of the pope, all these doubts would be readily resolved; nay, they would not exist.
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THIS ALLLLL GO AWAY
92. Away, then, with all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, “Peace, peace,” and there is no peace!
GET OUTTA HERE YOU PEACE-CLUCKERS
93. Blessed be all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, “Cross, cross,” and there is no cross!
NO PEACE NO CROSS NO SERVICE
94. Christians are to be exhorted that they be diligent in following Christ, their Head, through penalties, deaths, and hell;
EVERYBODY GO TO HELL FOR JESUS
95. And thus be confident of entering into heaven rather through many tribulations, than through the assurance of peace.
SURELY EVERYONE WHO READS THIS WILL REALIZE I’M JUST INTERESTED IN REFORMING THE CHURCH NOT STARTING ANOTHER ONE THAT WILL LEAD TO CENTURIES OF RELIGIOUS CONFLICT
GET OUTTA HERE YOU PEACE-CLUCKERS
Again I say unto you, blessed be she who comes in the name of explicating the Ninety-Five Theses, for her work is good and it is marvelous in our eyes.
if you hit God’s mom you’re in trouble I don’t care how many popes you are is the most sensible theological statement of the 21st century.
“POPE I’M TRYING NOT TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU BUT YOU KEEP BUILDING SHIT-TALKING ROADS RIGHT OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO AVOID THEM”
Ah, thanks, Mallory, I needed the laugh.
This makes me feel like a Hamilton-style musical about the Reformation is a thing that I might need? I want a shit-talking Martin Luther in my life. I want a pope singing about indulgences in crystal-covered six inch cha-cha heels!
But shit-talking Martin Luther is just regular Martin Luther.
It could totally work. There are some fantastic quotes in the Martin Luther vs. the Catholic Church story.
Obligatory link to Luther Insult Generator
“The very devil himself would thank you for such an event, and no one but the miserable devil and his devilish scum would go there” so thanks!
Ooh, when I reloaded my browser today I got the the best insult ever from the generator: “It makes me tingle with pleasure from head to toe when I see that through me, poor wretched man that I am, God the Lord maddens and exasperates you hellish and worldly people, so that in your spite you will burst and tear yourselves to pieces – while I sit under the shade of faith and the Lord’s Prayer, laughing at you devils and your crew and you blubber and struggler in your great fury.” From Against Hanswurst, pg. 185 of Luther’s Works, Vol. 41
I feel Martin on this. People do keep building shit talking roads and I feel compelled to use them.
Just like Slut Road, if you build it, they will come.
yesssss was waiting for the conclusion of this.
“no sin so wee and eensy it won’t droogle you down into hell, chums” is my new tagline when people annoy me.
Oh man it’s like Theses 1-80 were awesome enough but then 81-93 is NON-STOP and then 94 and 95 is Martin catching his breath and looking around with his eyes shining and his chest heaving, waiting to drop the mic.
Yes! Shit got real at the end there.
My FAVORITE thing about this is that he’s all, “YO I DIDN’T SAY IT NOTICE THE QUOTATION MARKS LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER POPE BUT YOU GOT A PR PROB, I’LL SOLVE IT.”
I am a lifelong Lutheran and I’ve never actually read the 95 theses. Until Mallory. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing this into my life in this way. I feel more religious, somehow.
I do hope you do this with other religious writings in the future. It’s hard to follow Luther, but there are some other big personalities that need a Mallory review.
Ditto. I always sort of MEANT to read them, and tried when I was sixteen, but my attention just wandered, somehow. And as I was getting to the end I realized, “I’ve actually, finally read Luther’s 95 theses. Wow.”
“Look, your Popeness, it’s not like I want everybody to call you a dick, but you just keep being a dick. I want everyone to respect you on account of your Popishness, but you just aren’t letting them do that.”
I never realized it before, but from #81 on, Luther is just basically Sea Lioning the Pope.
NO PEACE NO CROSS NO SERVICE
EVERYBODY GO TO HELL FOR JESUS
sometoastie buy me some indulgences because I am dead of laughing and probably in hell for it.
Nah Pope Lizbet I think your rank exempts you from needing indulgences (??? Or possibly the exact opposite. Citation needed, was too busy revelling in Mallory to pay attention to the actual point of the exercise.)
I’m pretty sure Marty thought women calling themselves Pope were droogling right along to hell, but thanks!
If you wanna chew gum you better bring enough for the whole class + pope totally did not bring enough + no sin so wee and eensy it won’t droogle you down into hell = pope’s in trooouuuuuuble!
I’m all for Luthers’ sexy, passionate, power-to-the-people phase. He’s like a 16th century German Che. But his sooper antiSemitic, Muslim-bashing Grandpa days? Not so much.
does this verse in Corinthians really attribute healing magic to the Pope? so they’re not just claiming the occasional wizard can cure the ill, but anyone who ascends to the Papacy? so the Pope is literally just a dude who managed to be one of the few in our world ever to manage to take one level in a D&D Cleric class
did they have the 5e spell lists in Martin Luther times? this wiki’s telling me he should also be able to Create or Destroy Water which seems PRETTY HANDY IF YOU’RE THAT WORRIED ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE AND RISING SEA LEVELS FRANKY GET CASTIN
I love that you called Pope Francis I “Franky”
I will never not call him Franky