what
im not smiling
what do you mean
i don’t know how i look
honestly im not even thinking about anything in particular
quit asking
why are you so obsessed with figuring out what im smiling about
or not smiling
i cant even tell
actually these outfits would look even more amazing wet
so no
we are not going to hurry up any
no dont take my picture
im not ready
dont doooo itttt
feeeeuuuuuggghhhhhhhh
just go
nobody cares where
go until you’re far away enough that none of us have to look at what you’re wearing
none of you are even wearing tit sashes
go to wherever what you’re wearing isn’t so embarrassing
flrrrmmm
mmmffff
just go ahead and kill me
at least then i wont have to get up
That third guy is sassy!
I saw this headline and my face broke into an ENORMOUS smile.
This post has been brought to you by Fainting Couches ‘R Us, now with 3 stores in the Portland metro area, and Dainty Johnny’s brand laudanum — for that mellow, all day high, make it Dainty Johnny’s.
The stores are in Lake Oswego, Cascade Station (by Ikea and the airport!), and Clackamas Town Center!
AHAHAHA, I am just really, really pleased that I actually live here now and recognize ALL of those places (and live one town over from Lake Oswego). Yay Portland Toasties!
In that penultimate painting, riddle me this:
1. A wan and bitchy man with a shirted arm draped over his sofa
or
2. A wan and bitchy goose wearing a suit, draped over a sofa, with a man’s head sprouting from its butt?
GDI, I can’t unsee that now.
It’s definitely 2. At least, I will never unsee 2.
I think maybe the monks had at it?
“What’s a guy wearing a shirt’s hand look like?”
“A swan’s neck and head with a button.”
Honesty it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to tell the difference between men and be-suited geese on any kind of reliable or consistent basis, so the head protruding from sphincter is a really helpful signifier.
But is it really a goose, or a gander? Seems to me no self-respecting goose would have a man’s head sprouting from anywhere.
“But is *this* the face of self-respect?” [That is, HONNK]
duck… duck…. goose!
drake, drake, gander! (Would that game be more or less dignified, I wonder?)
Like the joke about the man who walks into a bar with a frog on his head and the barkeep asks him how it happened and the frog says, “Well, it started as a bump on my rear end…”
Dad…?
Genuine laughter coming from behind this screen
I am so glad I’m not the only one who saw fowl in that picture.
Pretty sure most men are geese in people suits. It would explain so much!
I love the guys carrying the Ark of the Covenant through the Red Sea with the same attitude I see people hauling their dead-drunk friends home from the club at 2 in the morning.
Well supposedly it was miraculously weightless, so they were more bored than anything else.
you dont reeeeeeally need four of them then, do you
#8 is me today, with a side of fllrrrmmm
Love how Eve is so pissed at the angels. “I’ve been wearing clothes for exactly five minutes, you bitches. We are literally getting expelled from paradise over a fucking apple and you are choosing this moment to critique my fashion sense.”
It took way more than five minutes to get her skirt-thing to hang off one hip like that.
Is Eve one of those women who titter and say, “Oh, this old thing? I just threw this on!” while exuding the radiant glamor?
Turns out on top of everything else, Eve’s the mother of body dysmorphia. Thanks, Eve.)
go to wherever what you’re wearing isn’t so embarrassing
perfect command
Is flrrrm Leonard Bast in a false beard?
The last one though, it has it all.
Wan, shirtless, bitchy youth? check
Curiously coy, muscular assassin with a killer side part and a waistcoat with nothing under it? check
Armed people hiding behind curtains? double (triple?) check
I dont know if the third guy is hiding as such because he also seems to be being stabbed in the mouth.
I mean, I think last one could also be part of the Men In Western Art Who Are So Beautiful It Made Them Sleepy.
Burly Side-part muses, “should I help him? He’s gorgeous”
He looks like he’s weighing up the relative attractiveness of swordy beardy curtain-man and fey, swooning manboy
I just googled and found that the fey, swooning manboy is actually King Przemysl II of Poland. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.
Anyway, it seems that swordy beardy curtain-man was hotter (or at least more persuasively armed), because Przemysl did indeed bite the dust.
I’m seeing “damn, where is the heart again? Is it under the belly-button? I should’ve had that monk draw a map.”
Wait, that Eve looks just like Mallory.
Pretty sure the second last photo was how my face looked at work today… But this article brightened up my day!
“feeeeuuuuuggghhhhhhhh”
BEST CAPTION EVER
#1 looks like a young Stephen Fry.
The final one is a distant cousin to the lil buddies and I love it.
fllrrrmmm could equally apply to the man-with-ennui and the tiger skin.
I’ve finally found my people.
Those poor poor men on the balcony with nothing to do because they’re too rich and idle. It’s more than any mustachioed man is able to bear. And if someone drops a newspaper or an envelope on the ground, ugh, it will just have to live there forever.
If you zoom in on the giant version, the dog is looking at us like “These guys. Can you believe it?” But I love that they have those orange fumeuse smoking chairs (because lifting your cigar arm is too, too wearisome. So taxing on one’s physique.)
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/…
That dog is The Best.
Mallory! Does a series of Dogs Being Cynical in Western Art appeal?
Oh please yes!
I shall cast Hugh Laurie in the role of All Of These Men.
Can’t the first one be Richard E. Grant?
Ok, the guy in the first painting? His legs are disturbingly long. Follow them down from his rather shapely hips. Just when you think they’re about to end? There is yet more leg. (And then foot.)
Even though I know all the dudes in the feeeeuuuuuggghhhhhhhh painting would be insufferable, I still kinda wanna hang? I mean there are top hats, and at least I could pet that dog…
My headcanon is that there is another porch on the other side of the house where a similar number of women are having a rip-roaring party (also with top hats and dogs). But the house is so big that the men don’t even realize it’s going on.
Headcanon accepted!
Or it could just be on the other side of the ivy blind! And the men are too caught up in their own wealthy ennui that they can’t even distinguish the street sounds from the wives’ party sounds.
#3 looks like every asshole British comedian on every British panel show, ever
Ugh like Jonathan Ross. He’s ubiquitous and a complete prat.
#7 is Barrow from Downton Abbey. He needs some company on that couch.
That dog is The Best.
Mallory! Does a series of Dogs Being Cynical in Western Art appeal?
I’d be wan and bitchy if I had to drape myself over knobbly tree roots *and pretend to enjoy it* like dude the first.
I'd be wan and bitchy if I had to drape myself over knobbly tree roots *and pretend to enjoy it* like dude the first.
I just realized that the first one (Richard E. Grant, I insist) is totally curling his book in half on the ground. Dude! Take better care of your books! Though since it’s so soft and floppy, it might be his own sketchbook. But still, if so, have some self respect, artist. Don’t roll up your sketchbook on the dirt.
Oh, he’s Sir Brooke Boothby, a poet. Well ok, you can roll your poet book up on the dirt. Dirtbag poets. (Just kidding, he seems cool. Whoa, and apparently he bought Henry Fuseli’s The Nightmare! So he must have been cool!)
PS – Apparently he wrote something called “The Fudger Fudged” which was a satire on Thomas Moore. I have no idea what that means, apart from finding a memoire in which Thomas Moore mentions Fudges a lot and says of the satire “Never was there such wretched stuff.” I love late 18th / early 19th century gentlemen. (And now I really want some fudge.)
This is probably too late to mention it, but fudger is a British term for the homosexual boy things. So either he wrote hot guy on guy action erotica, OR he was a homophobic dude.
Oh wow, I didn’t know that. Do they still use that term, or is it more old and quaint? But I wonder if that’s a later meaning. If it was in the 18th /early 19th century, that would be far too scandalous to talk about lightly, I would think, and quite a grave and possibly libelous crime to accuse Thomas Moore of, though maybe writers didn’t care about truthiness vs libel. Especially dirtbag poets.
To me #1 has a real “draw me like one of your French girls” vibe. And the assassin in the last one looks like he’s carelessly eating a pie while thinking about where to stab his victim.
(I guess he’s just holding a handkerchief up to muffle his breathing?)
I think it’s his shoulder?