Men In Western Art Who Are So Beautiful It Has Made Them Sleepy

by Mallory Ortberg · February 9, 2016

sleepy1

ah lads
I fear this is the end for your old pal Handsome Pete
I am undone by my own babeliness
and must rest
til either the end of the earth or of mine own great hotness comes

 

sleepy2

this is it for me
im a goner
don’t talk like that
it’s not your time
it’s not your time yet
who are you trying to kid
I’ve been gorgeous for years now
nothing to do now but lay down and give up the fight
tell everyone –
no
tell everyone how hot I was
you tell ’em
you tell ’em yourself, Hank
Hank?
Hank?

 

sleepy3

im so hot i dont think ill ever be able to stand up again ralphie
the hotness just melted right through my spine

 

sleepy4

oh no
im a fox

 

sleepy5

alas, my body, it’s so good

 

sleepy6

doc give it to me straight
am i too beautiful to walk again

 

sleepy7

oh my god
oh my god i look so good i have to sit down
just to rest for a minute
oh no
it’s even better than i thought

 

sleepy8

help me
im gorgeous

 

sleepy9

2 comely 2 lift my own head 

 

sleepy10

go away 
leave me alone
i’m sleepy and beautiful and you dont understand me
do you want us to wake you up later
i’ll wake up when i’m ugly
so never

[Images via here and here]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

70 Comments

    1. Unreadaethel +90

      It covers enough to draw attention to itself, but not enough to actually keep the viewer from getting an eyeful. So really, it’s like the “cover one breast, but leave your fingers open so we can see your nipple” ladies in a lot of paintings.

      1. tanaise +8

        Seriously, I was like, “But he didn’t even mention the random helpful leaf of ivy!” and scrolled right down to complain.

  5. builtahouse +139

    oh, to be so beautiful that an ivy vine reaches a single leaf WAAAYYY over to demurely attempt to shield one’s privates.

      1. aurorabirdialis +35

        Then it’s being extra-thoughtful. The itching will make him less beautiful and might keep him from death’s door.

  6. ZevNV +41

    Man, they don’t make them like they used to.

    Also, definitely stealing these lines the next time I don’t want to get out of bed.

    1. tanaise +26

      I generally use “bed so warm, world so cruel” myself, but ‘help I’m gorgeous’ has potential.

  9. Unreadaethel +92

    I love the detail of the dog licking “inadequate modesty ivy” guy’s calf.

    And Mr. 2 Comely has some carefully-groomed thatch above his clinging animal pelt, which is a bit of a change from the usual fare. Do I get my membership in the Official Toast Pube-Watching Club now?

    2. cowshark +13

      I’m still trying to decide if that dog is taste-testing for consuming him when he dies, or is planning to tap that ass. The dog is prolly trying to decide that as well.

    3. x934z +1

      Does Mr I’ll Wake When I’m Ugly have a hint of pube fluff, or is that an implausibly darker shadow?

  10. crystabrittany +37

    Why is it that all the naked hot sleepy boys are with other boys? I want to be with a naked hot sleepy boy!

    2. yda +29

      There’s a (fairly well supported) theory that artistic nudes were essentially rich people pornography in its day, so a plausible explanation is that whoever commissioned the paintings was of what one might call the Uranian persuasion, and preferred his hot naked sleepy boy pics unsullied by females.

    1. OiSunshine +7

      I don’t even use a mirror to shave. When I see myself in one I think “What is this misshapen creature?”

  16. Household_Opera +48

    Hyacinthus: so beautiful that even after he’d been fatally clobbered by a discus, his skin showed no visible wound anywhere. Not even a bruise.

    1. drashizu +15

      On another note, this photo collection got me to google the phrase “That dude Apollo killed” and subsequently discover the existence of a boxer by the name of Apollo Creed, who was apparently punched to death in the ring in Rocky IV. By a guy named Drago, no less.

    1. alder_tree +4

      okay but how did someone get that photo is that him in his actual bed

      Also I have no idea how old he is but I’m 36 and now I feel like a dirty old lady.

  18. TTmatryoshka +74

    The URL text for this is just too good: “lil buddies”

    Succinct. Perfect. 10/10, well done.

  19. green +83

    Some time ago I caroused with an actual human man whose body so much alluded to these figures that I couldn’t really exit my brain’s astonishment that he was made of neither alabaster nor paint. This post brings all that back, which makes me FEEL STUFF but also feel better about his fading away, because what else are such men for if not being so beautifully languid and disinterested they die/fall sleep/disappear.

    (That one of maybe Narcissus, with the failing privacy leaf – who is the painter?)

    This one of Adonis is also an excellent fit for the genre:

  20. mkpatter +38

    The third one looks more like he touched the forehead of his friend, found he was hot too, and was overcome by both of their collective hotness.

  21. aurorabirdialis +94

    “Oh no, I’m a fox”. We should all practice saying that most mournfully and then sadly collapsing onto our fainting couches.

    1. Fleurdamour +3

      I’d like for Mallory to team up with the Art History Nun Sister Wendy Beckett (with whom I am completely and hopelessly obsessed). The Louvre would never be the same.

  25. OiSunshine +26

    “who are you trying to kid
    I’ve been gorgeous for years now”

    It’s embarrassing how often I have to say this.

    Also “am i too beautiful to walk again” is brilliant.

  26. michneuffer +35

    “I’ll wake up when I’m ugly” is going to be my go-to line for when my fiance criticizes my two-to-four-hour weekend naps.

    1. OiSunshine +5

      I assume he’ll be in the doghouse if he doesn’t doubt the likehood of that ever happening.

  27. tinypaperme +10

    The smaller boy’s junk in the first picture looks less like junk and more like a weird little hand reaching out from his crotch.

  28. maryoftheassumptions +11

    First guy is so white, though. Literally the whitest ever. Like, his alabaster statue would be wrong because it would look like he got a tan.

    1. Chalice +3

      This is the best thing I have ever read in the comments. It makes it approximately 1 billion times funnier.

  30. Tarragoner +18

    I’ve had a few bouts with gorgeous men lately. And I’ve discovered that their studliness is no substitute for chemistry, and the wearing of deoderant. And also, they must not be stupid and vulgar.

    1. Ellen W. +31

      There’s a crazy hot guy who works in my office building and I was trying to find a way to meet cute until I saw him get into his truck *which was parked in a handicap space with neither a placard nor a plate*. He ceased to be hot at that very moment.

  31. frankie0darling +11

    #4’s salmon pick dickribbon has flown RIGHT OFF HIS DICK that’s how you know things are serious