Erica Ruth Kelly's previous work for The Toast can be found here. Some American Idol drinking games are so socially irresponsible they require that players imbibe whenever they hear the word "dream" on the show. You know, as in “This has been my dream since I was a kid,” usually confessed by a 14 year-old who’s been led to believe that a glorified popularity contest is akin to working their asses off in the…

If the scrambly porn from my adolescence was any indication (remember that? Scrambly, pre-internet porn?) the sexy schoolgirl is a pretty popular trope. Having been a Catholic schoolgirl for 5 years, though, I’ve never really understood the fantasy. That might be because high school was not exactly the most sensual time for me. My 7th grade sex ed teacher was an old Irish woman who reeked of B.O. The Miracle of Life, a 1983

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