Given that pundits like to go on about character, and how we used to have it and now we don’t, I thought it might be interesting to go back and look at some of the Sunday-school songs Americans were using to help children grow in “character” when we were -- supposedly -- better at it. What, exactly, can we learn from these songs?

Mr. Freeze and the Velociraptor Rumble in Van Nuys, age 9 Some experiments with camera angles and lighting may have preceded it, but I believe this was my first production to have any sort of narrative. The narrative was this: Mr. Freeze fights a velociraptor, and the velociraptor wins. The action takes place in Van Nuys, CA, specifically in my parents’ house, more specifically on their living-room floor. Mr. Freeze and the velociraptor play themselves,…

1. One bottle of red wine can last two adults a week and a half. Somewhere around day seven, the cork will disappear; a mashed-up ball of foil jammed into the bottle neck will work just as well. 2. There is no amount of leftovers too small not to bring home in a doggie bag and prepare for lunch the next day. Two bites of salmon can be turned into nearly four tablespoons' worth of…