Previously in this series: If Stephen Colbert Were Your Dad If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you'd take a special, spiteful pleasure in apprehending any criminal who dressed in plaid. Because all day, every day, you'd be SURROUNDED by plaid. On laundry day, you'd look into the hamper and yell, "Jesus H. Christ, it looks like the Brawny Man vomited into this thing!" and Chris Pine would chuckle from…

This is Nichole Perkins' first essay for The Toast. Her previous work for The Butter can be found here.   My ringtone is the theme from the Lynda Carter-led Wonder Woman series. The journal I use for ideas and outlines features a comic version of the heroine looking prettily from the corners of her eyes. I have several sets of Wonder Woman underwear that I put on when I want good luck or good…