Every time President Fitzgerald Grant appears to be reading or signing a stack of important documents on Scandal, he is in fact working on the Washington Post’s junior crossword puzzle, which he completes religiously every day of the week except for Sundays, when they run Sudoku instead.
4AM. INTERIOR OVAL OFFICE. FITZ sits at his desk, a half-empty decanter of whiskey at his elbow, his right hand at his temple. FITZ picks up the phone.
FITZ [screaming, inexplicably]: OLIVIA ARE YOU AWAKE RIGHT NOW Y/N
INTERIOR. NIGHT. OLIVIA’S ROOM. OLIVIA sits up in bed and presses her hand against her forehead.
OLIVIA: Fitz? Is that you? What’s wrong?
FITZ: WHAT IS A THREE-LETTER WORD FOR CHICKEN
OLIVIA: What?
FITZ: IT’S FOR THE CROSSWORD
I DIDN’T GET TO FINISH IT THIS MORNING BECAUSE I HAD TO PRESIDENT
I HAD TO PRESIDENT ABOUT THE SUDANS
OLIVIA: I…’hen’?
FITZ: OH MY GOD
THAT’S TOTALLY IT
THAT TOTALLY FITS
OLIVIA THANK YOU
THE NEXT NIGHT. SAME SCENE.
FITZ: OLIVIA ARE YOU AWAKE
OLIVIA: I am now.
FITZ: OLIVIA HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE THIS WORD
[slowly, as if reading] S…U…D…O…K…U.
OLIVIA: Do you mean sudoku?
FITZ: YEAH, SUDOKEY
OLIVIA: No, it’s — it’s pronounced su-doh-ku.
FITZ: SUDKOW
OLIVIA: Sudoku.
FITZ: SUDKODS
OLIVIA: Sudoku.
FITZ: I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING CLOSER
SUKDOTS
OLIVIA: No, that’s still not quite it.
FITZ: OLIVIA YOU LISTEN TO ME
I AM THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT
AND THAT INCLUDES THE CROSSWORD
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS PHONE CALL
AND IF THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT’S PRONOUNCED SUNDIPS
THEN IT’S PRONOUNCED SNACKDEES
OLIVIA [as if to a child]: Okay, okay. You’re the president of crossword puzzles.
FITZ: AND SOKUDOS
OLIVIA: And…and sokudos.
FITZ: OLIVIA NOW THAT YOU’RE UP DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER
DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER FOR SEX
OLIVIA: I —
FITZ: HAHA OMG WAIT NO HANG ON
JUST KIDDING
I HAVEN’T FINISHED THE SODUKEY YET
THE NEXT NIGHT. SAME SCENE.
FITZ [stage whispering]: OLIVIA THAT LADY IS HERE AGAIN
OLIVIA [blearily]: What lady?
FITZ: THE MEAN LADY
THE MEAN LADY WHO LIVES IN MY ROOM
WITH THE MOUTH THAT POINTS AT THE FLOOR
OLIVIA: I don’t know who you’re talking about.
[O/S] MELLIE: Jesus Christ, Fitz.
OLIVIA: Do you mean Mellie?
FITZ: MMMMMMMMM IDK
OLIVIA: Is it your wife?
FITZ: I DON’T LIKE HER
MAKE HER GO AWAY
OLIVIA SHE TOOK MY CROSSWORD PUZZLE
There is the sound of a scuffle, then of breaking glass.
FITZ: MY DRINK
OH NO MY SHIRT CAME OFF
FITZ: OLIVIA WAKE UP
OLIVIA: Fitz, you can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep — calling me at four in the morning and taking me out of my own life. I have to be my own person.
FITZ: OLIVIA I NEED YOU
OLIVIA: You have to let me go.
FITZ: OLIVIA I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU
OLIVIA: Are you talking about us, or about the puzzle?
FITZ: I DON’T SEE WHY THEY HAVE TO BE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
OLIVIA: Oh, my God.
FITZ: NO IT’S JUST
OLIVIA GIVE ME A CHANCE
ALL THE ODD-NUMBERED ACROSS CLUES ARE PART OF A SERIES
THEY’RE BASED ON LIKE
IDIOMS
“A SUDDEN WIND, OFTEN”
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
THAT’S SO CRYPTIC
OLIVIA: Fitz, can we forget about the crossword for just —
FITZ: OLIVIA I HAVE TO GO
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND IS COMING ON
IT’S THE ONE WHERE THE PROFESSOR BUILDS A RADIO TOWER OUT OF COCONUTS
I THINK IT’S THE ONE WHERE THEY FINALLY GET OFF THE ISLAND
